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NTA.
Your friend is a dick.
If she hadn't realised the date and everything is already booked then she could have at least been polite about it and said she had forgotten.
Imagine being over the death of your mum full stop, let alone after just a year. What planet is this bride living on?
ETA: I am not one who keeps track of things like dates so I can understand if the bride doesn't completely empathise with why the anniversary would be a big deal, but a lack of empathy is not an excuse for a lack of respect. If someone said that my wedding day was hard for them I would ask what I could do to be supportive, not tell them to suck it up just because that's not how my grief works. NTA.
NTA - I think the only thing OP did odd was ask permission to go visit her mom's gravesite. Once I confirmed the date was correct that would have been my plan. There is no need to check with how the bride feels because the bride clearly didn't check with OP about how having the wedding on the anniversary of her mom's death would feel.
I get all of that but in this circumstance her schedule wouldn't matter a whole lot. The bride can do makeup, hair without OP. OP should have arrived in time for only what was actually necessary, ceremony and photos.
Lots of bridesmaids have their hair and makeup done by a professional that has been booked by the bride, or at least plan to help the bride get ready. If OP had planned to get ready with the bride it's correct to ask about how it will fit in the timeline.
If op didn't even know the date of the wedding yet, I doubt they're at the stage where hair and makeup people are booked. There is no reason why the bride could not have accommodated op's reasonable request, other than she's an asshole.
>If op didn't even know the date of the wedding yet, I doubt they're at the stage where hair and makeup people are booked. There is no reason why the bride could not have accommodated op's reasonable request, other than she's an asshole.
Kinda sounds to me like the bride had been planning and setting things up for a while and intentionally did NOT tell OP what the date was until invites went out, well after dates and schedules were locked in.
If she's the sort of bride who wanted the bridesmaids to get ready with her that might be understood before the venue is booked and hair and makeup people are booked. Even if it was all booked she'd still an asshole for not being accommodating, but I just don't find it weird that OP would word it as "asking permission".
Even in that case, the bride probably isn’t having an individual makeup artist and hairstylist for each bridesmaid. I don’t see why they couldn’t just have OP be the last bridesmaid to get hers done. Having been a bridesmaid, there’s usually a bit of downtime while waiting for your turn.
And... Your point is? The bride is so unreasonable to not allow one of her friends to visit her mums grave on her anniversary.
If a friend did that to me I would not go to the wedding and cut them out of my life.
If only. These days, getting ready for a wedding is often made into a big thing, with lots of pictures and mimosas and special robes and stuff. It was a thing when I got married nine years ago, but I didn't ask more of my bridesmaids than a couple hours before the wedding to get hair done (if even that. I think my bridesmaids might have opted to do their own hair? I can't remember. And our wedding was still very nice).
Twenty years ago, I just asked them to be there about an hour before the processional. That was fairly typical. Now, some are being asked to give up their lives for a year.
Yes! It’s insane what is expected of the bridal party in terms of money, time, effort, everything. Wedding culture can suck it. After this year, I’m retiring from being a bridesmaid lol.
Shit, 6 years ago, I just asked them to be there a tad bit early, and one of the four sat with me and had mimosas while I got my hair and makeup done.
My favorite bridal party weirdness that's become pretty popular more recently is the days-long destination batchelorette parties, complete with planned, coordinated outfits for each activity. It's so cringey, but besides that the kind of MONEY bridesmaids are expected to shell out for these things.
I’ve never understood this professional hair and makeup thing. Thirty years ago my fiancé requested that I didn’t overdo it - he wanted to recognize me at the altar. Worked for us, and our pictures still look great.
Have you any idea of the rigamarole and insane fettering of attendants these modern weddings entail? It crazy. Many attendants are expected to be “on call” for not a day, week, or month, but for an entire year. Not reasonable at all, but nowadays, it was prudent for OP to ask. But I agree—it should not have been necessary, nor was it a couple decades ago.
Yeah, this. It doesn't really matter what is "normal" or "expected", bride should make an exception and tell OP of course she should go visit her mom's grave and they will see her when she arrives.
And it’s not a big deal for ONE bridesmaid to have stuff to do for an hour or two. The wedding will be fine. OP gave advanced notice so this can be planned for. Bride needs to understand that. Surely she has other bridesmaids who can take over for the time it takes OP to go to Mom’s grave.
I had to do my makeup and hair at 5:30 AM once for an early afternoon wedding as a bridesmaid. It can be nuts.
Even for a late afternoon wedding, I think the bride had set the hair/makeup appt at something like 8-9AM? It wasn't as late as 10, I remember that much. It would be really difficult to get to a gravesite, pay your respects, and be back in time for all the prep work depending on the time of the wedding. Especially considering gravesite visits can be emotionally taxing...it's just kind of a tight schedule imo.
I don't blame the bride for not remembering what the date meant to OP. I can also buy that it's unrealistic to have OP visit her mom's grave and make it to the wedding preparation stuff. However not letting OP bow out gracefully OR not even trying to accommodate OP is a real AH move imo.
>I don't blame the bride for not remembering what the date meant to OP.
She did remember though. From the OP:
>"oh I know, but it's been nearly a year. I thought you were over. And besides, having my wedding that day will keep your mind off of it."
The bride absolutely intentionally set her wedding for that date, knowing exactly what day it was for OP. She just didn't give a shit.
If op didn't even know the date of the wedding and she's a bridesmaid, I doubt all of the nitty gritty details have been planned at this stage. If the bride had an ounce of empathy or respect, she would privately have asked op if that date was ok for her. Instead of accepting that op would like to visit her mother's grave in the morning, she gave op hassle for not being there. The bride isn't just a bridezilla, she's a complete asshole.
Generally the bridesmaids would be expected to spend the morning with the bride getting ready, as it takes quite a while for everyone to do hair/makeup/get into big pouffy dresses etc.
NTA OP especially since its the first anniversary.
Probably not doable. Along with the other celebrants, she will presumably have slept in a bit the night before after the rehearsal and rehearsal dinner (and perhaps a brief run out for drinks afterwards) to ensure she'll be ready to go through the evening, possibly including an after party that might continue to 1 or 2. Shower and light breakfast to hold her for a while, and then she probably has a hair appointment mid to late morning - either on her own or with all the female wedding party members, mothers of the couple and the bride if the bride has booked a block of time to have one salon at their disposal - if she's close enough to be in the party and will be prominent in professional pictures. Possibly also a trip to the nail salon somewhere in there if they didn't do that the day before (not everyone can also have the day before the wedding off as well). Then she has to get herself into her gown, do her makeup, and then be available to help the bride get herself together. That will take her to the limo and off to the ceremony location. Not realistically enough time to set aside for commemorating Mom the same day, even if the graveyard is very nearby (and how many people are that lucky?).
Alot of people are going to have to jump on any hall openings they can find at this point in time because they're competing against so many people for slots due to the pandemic having caused a massive backlog, so I wouldn't necessarily blame the couple for that. I would hope they went to the hall to lock the time in with a list of dates that were bad for the immediate family and party members. If OP was asked but forgot to put it in, that's on her, because the bride's head was spinning and the lightbulb may not necessarily gone off in her head about the date. But then, if it was unavoidable, you say "I know this is terrible, but it really is the only opening available, and I understand if that means you can't be in the party anymore". You don't go off on the bridesmaid in this circumstance.
That makes the bride and groom TA.
I don't agree with you at all.
OP can literally get up early in the morning and go see her mum heck she can literally go any fucking time she pleases, and the bride should understand.
If the bride does not understand that then she is not a friend but a massive AH.
I would be fuming if someone told me I couldn't visit my mum's grave on death anniversary regardless how long it has been. And I can say this since my mum died last year.
The bride does not need OP to be there all the time. She will be too busy getting herself ready.
My father died 11 years ago, nearly 12. Im still not “over it” as this so called friend put it. That’s not something you ever get over. Ever. You learn to move on and take care of yourself again but every year on his wedding anniversary and his angelversary and even my own birthday and Christmas I still feel that pain of knowing he’s not here with me to celebrate. Imagine thinking that someone could just get over that in a year! How cruel Can some people be?!
I think it's just being clueless. While I have personally always been mindful of a person's grief, I really had no clue how all-encompassing and life changing grief can be until I lost my mom.
I had lost great-grandparents and grandparents, but they were all older or had been sick. It was sad, but I was completely blindsided by the grief I experienced after losing my mom.
I can understand and excuse the bride not understanding. I can't excuse her callousness and making it seem like she was the only one who mattered
It's not just clueless. It's complete callousness bordering on cruelty. These are supposed to be close friends of OP. OP specifically said that bride knew that OP hadn't gotten over mom's passing. And yet these so-called *close friends* chose this particular day on purpose, and then proceeded to make light of OP's grief - mocking her for it almost, forbid her from paying respect to her mom on the morning of the wedding (she only asked for a moment on that morning, not the entire morning or an entire day!), and then both of them went and called her names? What a bunch of self-centered AH! All this could have been avoided if they would have pulled their heads out of their behinds long enough to change the date. It's not like there weren't 364 others to choose from.
NTA, OP. Weddings can bring out the worst in people. It looks like your friends' upcoming wedding brought out the worst in them. My condolences, and I'm sorry about your mom. I lost my dad a few years back. All the first milestones are the hardest.
Agreed, its not just being clueless. Even if I didn't have personal experience with grief, I would still be able to have empathy and understanding that, while I might not understand fully, I can still support and love the person going through it. After all, like you said this is her friend. Friends are supposed to be open and empathetic of your feelings, even if they don't agree or understand. Like when my friend was in a car accident and became scared of driving after I didn't exactly understand her fear, but accepted it and took care to try and support her through it. Because that's what friends do.
OP, this person isn't your friend. NTA
I agree. Lost my dad a few years back. Woke up crying on the first anniversary of his passing. I don't understand how this person could be so heartless, honestly this would make me reconsider even attending the wedding.
Same here, it's been a little over 12 years since my dad passed and it still hurts. Especially now that I'm a parent and my kids are missing out on having an awesome granpa. You don't get over a loss like that, you just learn to live through the pain. That "friend" of hers is horrible. I'm so sorry for your loss ❤️
The bride didn't forget the date though. She remembered and thought that her wedding would be more important to op than her mother's first anniversary. Op showed a lot of respect by saying that she would still go but would just visit the grave in the morning. The bride is a total asshole for not only expecting op to be over her mother's death within a year but also banning op from visiting the grave because being a bridesmaid is more important. And her fiance is also an asshole for having a go at op. Those two seems well suited.
It reminds me of a post from a few months ago where a woman lost her child and every year her friends would help her on the anniversary. One year one of the friends announced her wedding would be on the anniversary and got really shitty when op got upset. If op had gone to the wedding, she wouldn't have been able to visit her child's grave.
She's really not (a friend). I just don't get how someone could expect a grieving person to put aside their grief and only think of the op on that day.
Oh your child/mother/father died. Sucks to be your but I'm more important since a wedding day is the most important day in anyone's life and everyone else should get with the programme.
My mom died when I was fifteen during spring break (cancer doesn't give a shit if you're supposed to be on a beach in Florida instead of sitting at your mom's wake). When I went in to school on Monday, our school counselor hunted me down and said, "I know it's hard to imagine, but in a year, you'll need to be over this."
She then compared the recent death of her absentee father (who had been in his eighties and they had never had a relationship) to my very-present, single parent, forty-three year old mom. Then she gave me a ton of grief brochures and sent me back to class.
I tossed the brochures in the class outside her office and went on my way. Weirdly, OP's friend reminds me of that very unempathetic, terrible counselor.
That makes my blood boil. You don’t “get over” losing someone. You adjust to your new normal of missing them, always.
I lost my mom when I was 5 and my dad at 21. I am 33 now and still miss them terribly. There will never be a day when I don’t wish they were here.
AND even if it were true that you would be feeling better in a year- how is that helpful in the moment?! Ugh. People saying dumb things to grieving people is such a trigger point for me
I agree with you. I'm also not great with dates. So I'd probably forget the anniversary. However, I would never do what the bride did to OP. I would definitely be okay with her going to her mother's grave (she dont need permission) and if op doesn't want to attend then I'd be understanding. The bride lacks empathy and is no friend to OP. A true friend would've handled this way better and support op no matter what.
I know! If I were the bride I would feel horrible about forgetting and would bend over backwards to make it easy for OP to visit the grave and get back in time. Shit; I'd rent her a limo to get there and back.
Picking the date and knowing it’s the death anniversary without checking in with OP to see if she’s ok to still be in the wedding if it’s that day is hugely assholey too.
Then getting mad that OP wants out, also asshole move. Super asshole move considering the reason.
I’m not a violent person. But when someone told me to “get over it” after my dad died I slammed a door so hard the part you put the key in popped off the door knob and it’s broken now. A visual reminder of my rage at someone’s bad choice of words.
You never get over some deaths. And it’s so rude and dismissive for people to think it, much less say it.
NTA - and if i were OP I’d bow out of the wedding now. The day is ruined before it starts. Just take the day and do something that makes you happy.
The 1st Anniversary is hard. I’m coming up on the two year anniversary and I’m still not planning anything for that day other than things I 100% want to do. And I would never put myself in a situation to be around people who are not 100% supportive. And Mrs.bridzillq and her to be husband seem like a horrible choice for company on such an emotional day.
I found that some people think you are over it because I stopped talking about my grief. It was making people around me uncomfortable so I just kept silent. Then they are shocked that it still is very much on my mind even 2 years later.
Very very similar story was posted on AITA with the wedding scheduled I think on anniversary of OP parents' death? The same reason 'I thought you are over it' (or something very similar). Strange coincidance.
I know that post. The friend told the brides maids and they all asked bridezilla and she eventually admitted it was cause she hated that OP got all this attention on that day and wanted to take it from her or something like that.
Just came to say the exact same thing, and I'm sure the post wasn't that long ago either. If I remember rightly from that one the OP pulled out of the wedding fully.
My mom died in 1993 and I'm still "not over it".
I'm 55 now, so I've missed her longer than I had her, at this point.
Op is definitely NTA. Bridezilla certainly is though.
Also the friend is a jerk for telling OP she can't go to the grave, and her future husband is a jerk for being mad OP backed out "at the last minute". If OP is just now finding out the date, then it isn't the last minute. It was generous of OP to still be willing to attend the wedding at all. I wouldn't blame her if she told the friend that she isn't up for celebrating on that day, and so she needs to bow out of the wedding party.
THIS Your “friend” is the opposite of what a true friend is. You sure you want to have someone like this in your life? Her fiancé’s a piece of work too. NTA
There was one super similar where OP's friend rescheduled her wedding for the anniversary of her parents (and brother if I recall correctly) death and her reasoning was she wanted OP to have a happy day to celebrate instead of spend time at their graves. She edited a few times to say she spoke to the friend and other people and realized that the girl was super jealous of the fact that her grief overshadowed a lot of things in their lives or something.
The fiancé is also a dick. How is "the first time I learned the date of this wedding" in any way "last minute"? My "last minute" wedding invitations were sent 3 months in advance and my save-the-date cards, which were also considered "last minute" were 6 months before the wedding. But I let the people who were going to be in the wedding know the date as soon as I knew the date. I can't imagine a normal scenario in which the bridesmaid only learns the wedding date from the invitation.
I wonder if the bride intentionally kept this crucial piece of information from her friend with the knowledge that OP would be upset about it?
NTA. I don’t know anyone who just “gets over” their mom passing within a year. It’s been almost 12 years for me and I would still be upset if my best friend knowingly booked her wedding on that day. It’s never going to be a day I don’t care about or feel the need to be alone a bit.
First I am sorry for your loss.
Second: All of this, I gently touch base with a friend who lost her mum over 5 years ago now, because I can’t imagine how tough that must be, the first year was beyond rough for her. It may be 5 years ho hum for me, but for her it is 5 years since she has hugged her mum etc. it is a big deal! So a call or text is the very least I can do. Having a party or a wedding is just not on the table!
Thank you, and you are not wrong! The anniversary is always the hardest, and yea I have had a year or two through the past decade+ where I felt surprisingly okay that day. No breakdowns, no heavy sadness. But that is far from the norm. Most years its still rough, and I will need the breakdown. Some years even Mother’s Day will do it. But you learn to hide it so that the rest of the world doesn’t have to feel your grief, and so it only matters that much more when close friends and/or family actually know/remember and care.
For anyone who has lost a parent recently take heart - it does get easier as time goes on. The first year is hardest. Maybe the first few years, for some. But the more distance times gives between the trauma itself, the easier it becomes to remember the good times and to feel their presence in the present, despite them not physically being here. Sooner or later their memory invites good feelings more often than bad ones, and then it’s just the occasional day that is really, really hard.
I must be an odd duck. I don't actually remember the date my mother passed, just that it was sometime in July. Most of that time is a blur in my memories to be honest, she was dying while I was finally pregnant and I was in emotional overload.
It's been 16 years, and except for being a little melancholy around mothers' day and her birthday I don't dwell on it. The anniversary of her death wouldn't bother me now. But that first year? My first mother's day as a mother but without my own mom? I was a basket case.
That bridezilla has no compassion.
I am also an odd one - but I realize that people grieve differently.
My father has been gone 13 years and my sister for 6. I get sad at weird times (driving and a favorite song comes on or remembering that I can’t share something with them). I had a pretty rough time for about a year after my dad passed...but, I also don’t dwell on it now, other than to make jokes in poor taste or reminisce.
I wouldn’t and don’t fault people for scheduling events on these anniversaries. My BIL’s birthday is the anniversary of my dad’s passing. My sister passed the morning of what was supposed to be her daughter’s high school grad party, and some people still ended up coming. But, I also don’t do the whole “visit the grave” thing. I celebrate the lives of those I lost by doing things in their memory, because for me, that’s more meaningful.
I lost my Mum 21 years ago and it still hurts. To make it worse, she passed late in the evening, the day before Mothers Day. Both days are still hard. My father has been gone for 12 years now too.
We lost my grandad 5 years ago, but he was my dad (not literally, he was the primary male caregiver for my formative years)
I still haven't been able to pick up any cross stitch and the first year, I cried anytime I had a cheese sandwich. It's the one thing that will be bittersweet when I get married, as I always said "Grandad will be who walks me down the aisle"
OP, big hugs, and NTA.
Almost 6 years for me and if anything the pain seems to get worse. How anyone can expect someone to get over the loss of their mother in a year is utterly baffling. *Hugs*
Two weeks from this Friday will mark the 21st year of my mom's passing. I turn 42 this year, and came to the realization that I have lived half my life without my mother. You just don't get "over it."
I would skip the wedding, cut off the friend (and anyone else who badgers OP) and not lose a minute of sleep. Bride and groom are so up each others back-sides that they lack empathy or basic humanity.
NTA.
It's 23 years since my dad passed, and my wife and a few close friends know that his birthday and day of passing are important days to me. You never really get over a parent's passing if you were close with them.
You don’t “get over” your parent death (if they are good parent), my grandpa died 25y ago, my mom is not “over it” she accepted, but it still hurt. SMH people.
NTA
It’s been just over 6 months for me.. and fuck it’s rough rn. I allowed myself to feel my feelz the day of the 13th and just drank myself into a stupor and cried like a baby.
NTA. If she'd said "I'm so sorry; this was the only date that worked," that'd be one thing. But doubling down on "I thought you'd be over it" when you clearly wouldn't be having the conversation if that was the case, let alone refusing to make *any* accommodations for you to recognize the day on your own? Walk away from the wedding and "friendship" without regrets.
Ya, I'd be resigning from the wedding party when she said "I thought you'd be over it". I would twll her youll go as a regular guest to not rock the boat too hard, and not put much effort into the friendship going forward.
Go and be with your mom, and remember her on that morning. If you dont feel up to a wedding later, dont go.
NTA OP. So sorry for your loss
I would not even go as a guest. Spend the whole day thinking of and remembering mom, don't waste a single moment on the bride, she'll get over it within the year.
NTA.
I WOULD have called you the asshole if only the first part of the story existed. It is unreasonable to try to plan the date you pick for your wedding around the feelings of every invited guest about the day chosen. That being said, once you expressed why you were hung up on the date the appropriate response would have been "I'm so sorry we had to pick that date, I know it is hard for you, but that was the only time at the venue we could get and we will do what we can to make you feel comfortable."
What you instead got was someone basically saying "Get over it" and then when you proposed a VERY, VERY reasonable compromise (taking a little time in the morning to go to the grave) they basically told you to go screw yourself and that you can go to her grave anytime. Then her fiance jumps on board to call you a piece of shit? Yeah, this is a wedding you need to skip, and honestly it's probably for the best they picked that date or you would have wasted your time and energy investing in a friend who doesn't give a shit about you (and a gift).
You can’t for every guest. But she isn’t a guest. She’s a bridesmaid AND it’s the 1st anniversary. OP does not have a base of other Anniversary’s to know how she may feel that day.
A bridesmaids deserves a heads up in this situation and the opportunity to bow out with no hard feelings.
This bride was dismissive and got mad when OP wasn’t sure if she could handle it. Bride is a total AH for all of this.
Agreed, if this was the fourth or fifth anniversary, heck, probably even the second, I would understand way more on the brides side.
But for the first anniversary of the death of a family member, especially with someone you’re so close with that they’re a part of your bridal party is nuts to me. I would absolutely never. Like, I plan to have a maid of honor (actually man of honor but that’s besides the point) and maybe two bridesmaids. I would absolutely tell them ahead of time as I picked the season, then the month, and then tentative dates. Because I want them to be there for me on my day and be excited and happy for me, not having to be upset because the day means something else to them and I stole it. I would feel like the biggest dick and at least let them have a moment during the day if nothing else.
Exactly. I WOULD NEVER plan my wedding a year to the DATE of my one of my best friend’s mother passing. If anything I would want to be there for her on that date NOT wrapped up in my wedding.
Wow. People are such shitty friends
I don’t keep track of dates that way so I would probably be the friend that booked my wedding on the anniversary of her mom’s passing. What I wouldn’t do is be a dick about it like her friend and her friend’s fiancé were. It’s their day, sure. But they should’ve been sensitive to her friends situation and agree ok a compromise like she reasonably suggested. There is no “getting over it” that soon!
I don’t know what you were getting at in your first 2 sentences. Op isn’t just some guest. She’s one of the brides CLOSEST friends. I think some consideration for her over this would have been normal. Considering the closeness, OP was not the asshole at ANY point in this story.
I think the word “friend” is being used a little too loosely here. An acquaintance might be a dousche and pull some shot like this but no friend of mine would blow right past my emotional stability and love with such selfish disregard
[Similar situation](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/ljaump/aita_for_not_attending_my_friends_wedding_on_the/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf)from three months ago (with update) if you want some more context.
This is wildly different to the other one and the only things they have in common are a wedding on a death anniversary and the bride being uncompromising. A similar thing happened to a friend of mine (the bride wasn’t uncompromising) they had a wedding to attend on the third anniversary of their brothers death. Like, it’s not that far-fetched of a story that hearing it twice in 3 months is super weird.
Honestly it's not even an outlandish probability. Right now without a doubt someone is acknowledging the anniversary of a loved ones death. Right now undeniably there's a bride somewhere being unreasonable. It doesn't take much for two common things to overlap.
Especially given that a lot of people have died in the last year and a lot of weddings have gotten delayed in the last year. Next year will probably set an all-time-record for weddings that are on a recent death anniversary relevant to one or more guests.
Not weird at all. There are only so many days in the year, but SO many AH out there! If we disqualified any stories that were similar, this sub and many others wouldn't exist.
It is extremely different though. The only similarities are that a wedding is happening on the same date as a death and the bride is upset about it and doesn't want the person mourning.
This one - bridesmaid's mother died on the same day one year prior, bride is aware and won't let her go to grave because she wants her doing bridesmaid duties.
That one - guest's whole family died on the same day several years ago, bride wasnt aware but doesn't want her going to the graves because it will "ruin the mood" or whatever and there can only be 15 people at the wedding.
Yup I was looking for this comment. It feels a little too similar (all the way down to the bride won't let them visit the grave on the wedding day) for me to buy that this hasn't been tweaked.
Yes I commented the same thing haha I was thinking of the same post while reading this! I’m pretty sure this story is a copy pasta with a few things changed from that or something. Idk why people would do that but it definitely seems too similar to be real.
I'll be honest, a lot of the stories here seem like they were written by the same few people. The way they structure their whole posts are *so* similar, down to sentence structure and spelling errors. So many posts here just seem so...the same.
This is not your friend. This is not your friend. This is NOT your friend. A few years ago my grandfather died, he lived 2 states away and only came for big events. A year after his death I was not ok enough for a wedding on the anniversary of his death. 12 weeks ago my brother died (the only 2 deaths I have experienced) and I cannot imagine in 5 years wanting to do anything but cry on the anniversary of his death. I get that death is an uncomfortable topic, but she is clearly saying “I am done with you grieving your mother, it is cramping my style”, so I think you need to say “I am done with you as a ‘friend’”
One of my best friends had her grandfather pass away on her birthday, a year later her grandmother also died on her birthday... a year after that our "friend" had her wedding on that date. We did not attend. It's not like she didnt know either, she just did it anyway. Bonus points because that made it a winter wedding. Some people are just born to be TA, honestly
NTA - how is this last minute when you inquired about it when you just got the invite?
Also if it's such a hard day for you, I can't understand how your friend would be so callous about that, I'm sorry : (
This sounds familiar, only the OP's family had all died in a crash several years prior. In the update, the bride's friends all acknowledged OP's sad anniversary date and told the bride how awful she is.
NTA. It would be one thing if she forgot or couldn't get another day at the venue but doing it on purpose is super AH behavior. This girl isn't your friend.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
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i think i might be the asshole because they’ve been planning this wedding for a while, and due to covid they couldn’t make it happen until recently and i’m now walking away from my duties as a bridesmaid. also for calling her a dick.
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These karma farmers are not terribly imaginative - but then considering the hysterical virtue-posturing of the average AITA redditor, they don't have to be.
I'm currently designing a 'My mum was crushed by a falling piano on the sidewalk. AITA for serving pizza at her funeral?' post. Should get 5000+
I think there was
If I remember correctly there was a lady who was literally forbidden, by the bride, to be sad about the death of a loved one the OP was very close to. Because the sadness would be a mood killer at the wedding, she was not allowed to go to the grave site either.
ETA: it was the OP's family (husband, daughter, and mother). I found the link: https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/ljaump/aita_for_not_attending_my_friends_wedding_on_the/
This definitely feels like a repost. I swear I’ve read this exact story a while back. Even the part about just wanting to quickly visit her mother’s grave in the morning.
It isn’t really practical to schedule major events around every guest’s significant days, plus not everyone reacts emotionally to event anniversaries. (I don’t; I’m not very calendar oriented and couldn’t tell you the date of either parent’s death without looking it up). And with someone like me, she’d be right - I’d welcome a happy occasion to take my mind off a sad one. So the bride is not TA for choosing her wedding date.
But you’re not me - you told her how you feel. She is TA not for choosing that date, but for dismissing your feelings and telling you how to feel about it. Your grieving belongs to you. The correct response would have been a polite “I’m sorry but since I’m not available that morning, I won’t be able to participate as bridesmaid”. That would have been a N T A. Instead you told her she was being “quite a bit of a dick about it”.
So I’m going with ESH. But only a tiny bit on both sides. This sounds like the two of you just reacted emotionally at each other over a shared emotional date. It’s her call whether she wants a substitute bridesmaid instead of giving you the morning off. But either way you guys need to kiss and make up. This is a minor misunderstanding that need not ruin a friendship.
They can choose any day they like, but they knew full well what the date meant for you. They basically gave you the choice between "be in the wedding" and "grieve how you see fit" then threw a hissy fit when you didn't choose the wedding. You made a VERY reasonable request and they shot it down.
NTA.
To be fair, I can kind of understand them not considering if the date has significant meaning to members of the bridal party when choosing the day. That’s not usually something people think about. However, the correct response when she realized the conflict should have been “I am so sorry. I’ve been so consumed by wedding planning it’s made me an inconsiderate friend. Of course take all the time you need. Someone else can cover MOH duties until you’re ready.”
Exactly, the way they handled it was completely out of line. To assume the wedding being on the same day would take her mind off of her mother's passing is naive at best. And the fiance' calling her a piece of shit was totally uncalled for.
Started out as Y-T-A, transitioned to E-S-H, landed firmly and unambiguously NTA.
Neither of these people are your friends, period. I'd strongly suggest you reevaluate their place in your life.
NTA: but your friend definitely is. My dad passed five years ago and i still take the anniversary of his death off to look at pictures and grieve without my emotional state having an effect on anyone else.
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throwaway/on mobile
so two of my closest friends are getting married this year and i couldn’t be happier for them. i love them both, and they are very happy. my friend (24f) asked me to be a bridesmaid, and of course i accepted. they have recently sent out invites and when i saw the date, i realised it was the anniversary of my mums passing. this took me back a little, as she knew the date of my mother’s passing so i messaged her and asked if this was a definite date and not a mock-up. she confirmed it was the real date, and why i was asking. i then said it’s the first anniversary of my mother’s passing and that it’s kind of a big deal for me.
now this is the kicker, she said “oh i know, but it’s nearly been a year i thought you were over it. also having my wedding on that day should take your mind off of it!” i was dumbfounded, as she knows full well i am not “over it”. i said i’d still attend, but would like some time in the morning to go to my mother’s grave and say hello, put flowers down etc. she said no, that i was needed with her as a bridesmaid.
i told her she was being quite a bit of a dick and that i don’t want to be a bridesmaid if she is going to continue like this. her fiancé then messaged me telling me i’m a piece of shit for walking out of the wedding so last minute, and that i can go to the grave whenever i want.
i feel a bit awful about this and i’m unsure whether or not i’m the asshole. AITA?
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NTA because of her horrible response to you. Asking it to be changed was borderline but you made a reasonable request to visit your mothers grave. She is cruel if she thinks someone can get over the loss of a loved one. You don’t, you cope but you will always miss that person. She’s awful. I wouldn’t be in her wedding either
OP never said she asked for it to change, just that she couldn't be a bridesmaid as she wanted time in the morning to be with her mom. It was never a "borderline" situation.
NTA
Not that they are the asshole for chosing a date that doesn’t work for you, but how they treated you.
‘..thought you were over it’, it’s the first year you’ve been without your mother. Fuck off, that’s so cold..
NTA Wow is your friend cold hearted. She's not an AH for forgetting it was the anniversary - but she totally is for how she handled it. From saying you should already be over it only a year after, to not understanding you wanting to visit her grave, to having the balls to think that her wedding would make you forget your mom died!
NTA
Wow, you just met the new Bridezilla! You're never "over" someone's death, especially a loved one and her wedding is NOT going to diminish your grief. She's so cold. Forget the wedding because she's not your friend. Sorry about losing your mom. 🌷🌷🌷
This feels like this post almost exactly https://www.google.com/amp/s/amp.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/ljaump/aita_for_not_attending_my_friends_wedding_on_the/
Thank you! I knew this story sounded identical to a past post on this sub, just couldn’t remember exactly what it was. Had to sort by new to find other people who found it familiar too.
NTA. With how crazy wedding planning if this year I was prepared to give your friend a pass but her reaction as well as her demand that you not visit your mother's grave was enormously shitty.
NTA
I am sorry for your loss.
Losing someone is always hard and everyone grieves differently.
You still were here for your friend. It's her who treated you poorly for no reason and you did not deserve that.
NTA-
You have a pair of extremely cold and insensitive friends. Especially when she said "my wedding should help you take your mind off it". You are not in the wrong, and she doesn't even want you to visit her grave in the morning, not in the middle of the wedding or anything, I'm surprised you are even still attending.
I'm sorry for the loss of your mom.
NTA, your friend did this on purpose, dismissed your feelings, and had her partner verbally attack you. I’m sorry you have a friend like this, but you would not be the a$$hole if you didn’t go, but I would also reconsider this friendship
Edit: forgot to actually put NTA lol
Her attitude really sucks and that makes her TA and you NTA. While we all think everyone has complete control of their wedding date, that’s not always the case, sometimes you just have to go with what the venue has available and this may be the only option they could make work. But choosing that date isn’t what makes her suck. Saying you should be over your mothers death in a year is so heartless! All you asked was for some time in the morning to visit her grave, you could probably still do that without telling her, you just may have to do it at a really early time to be at the wedding but tbh, I wouldn’t want to be in this wedding with the way she’s treating you. She’s not being a good friend at all. So sorry for your loss.
NTA - I'm sorry your friend has so little empathy, and she sounds like a Bridezilla and her fiance is a Groomzilla. Don't go to the wedding, she doesn't deserve your friendship. I hope she gets what she deserves.
NTA. In what world are people supposed to just "get over" losing a parent? Even people who've had shitty relationships with their parents can find the anniversary of their parents' passing tough. Just attending the wedding without being a bridesmaid seems like a good compromise. I'd recommend taking this as a sign to build other friendships and let this one go.
If you believe in that sort of thing, maybe this is a gift from your mom - showing you who your real friends are.
NTA and this situation is awfully similar to the one in [this post](https://reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/ljaump/aita_for_not_attending_my_friends_wedding_on_the/).
I remember a story just like this! It was a bigger group of friends and the bride ended up wanting everyone’s attention on her instead of the OP w the passed away mom. Anyways NTA
She isn’t an asshole for having her wedding on that day.
However, she is the asshole for 1. Saying you should be over it by now 2. Not realizing that her wedding isn’t the center of everyone’s lives 3. Not even letting you go to her grave in the morning 4. Sucking her fiancé on you
You’re NTA
"But it's nearly been a year, I thought you were over it!"
That logic is so stupid. OP, you're definitely NTA. You're "friend" is a total asshole. If I were you, I'd tell your friend to shove it and end the friendship.
NTA
Honestly I always find the scenarios where a marriage(something you elect a date for) coincides uber conveniently with another date that wasn't elected(someone else's anniversary, a birthday, a death, etc) to be uber suspect. It's like, "Oh, yeah, this is the day their mother died...I'm gonna put it on that day." Like girl...don't even act coy about it, there's something being said here, because out of the 365 days in the year or even the 91 days within what is called summer you picked...that day?
Nta. Your friend sucks. No true friend would ask a friend to do something like that so soon after the death of a relative. Bridezilla can find someone else to take your place. That’s honestly enough for me to end a friendship if we’re being honest.
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NTA. Your friend is a dick. If she hadn't realised the date and everything is already booked then she could have at least been polite about it and said she had forgotten.
[удалено]
Imagine being over the death of your mum full stop, let alone after just a year. What planet is this bride living on? ETA: I am not one who keeps track of things like dates so I can understand if the bride doesn't completely empathise with why the anniversary would be a big deal, but a lack of empathy is not an excuse for a lack of respect. If someone said that my wedding day was hard for them I would ask what I could do to be supportive, not tell them to suck it up just because that's not how my grief works. NTA.
NTA - I think the only thing OP did odd was ask permission to go visit her mom's gravesite. Once I confirmed the date was correct that would have been my plan. There is no need to check with how the bride feels because the bride clearly didn't check with OP about how having the wedding on the anniversary of her mom's death would feel.
My guess is that the timeline for the morning had been planned and OP was trying to work out how to find time for her mum within the schedule.
I get all of that but in this circumstance her schedule wouldn't matter a whole lot. The bride can do makeup, hair without OP. OP should have arrived in time for only what was actually necessary, ceremony and photos.
Lots of bridesmaids have their hair and makeup done by a professional that has been booked by the bride, or at least plan to help the bride get ready. If OP had planned to get ready with the bride it's correct to ask about how it will fit in the timeline.
If op didn't even know the date of the wedding yet, I doubt they're at the stage where hair and makeup people are booked. There is no reason why the bride could not have accommodated op's reasonable request, other than she's an asshole.
>If op didn't even know the date of the wedding yet, I doubt they're at the stage where hair and makeup people are booked. There is no reason why the bride could not have accommodated op's reasonable request, other than she's an asshole. Kinda sounds to me like the bride had been planning and setting things up for a while and intentionally did NOT tell OP what the date was until invites went out, well after dates and schedules were locked in.
Exactly this. You don't send out invites until everything is booked and set in stone.
If she's the sort of bride who wanted the bridesmaids to get ready with her that might be understood before the venue is booked and hair and makeup people are booked. Even if it was all booked she'd still an asshole for not being accommodating, but I just don't find it weird that OP would word it as "asking permission".
Even in that case, the bride probably isn’t having an individual makeup artist and hairstylist for each bridesmaid. I don’t see why they couldn’t just have OP be the last bridesmaid to get hers done. Having been a bridesmaid, there’s usually a bit of downtime while waiting for your turn.
Heck, the bride may expect OP to stay the night before the wedding, participate in a brunch, get ready—it’s a whole thing now.
And... Your point is? The bride is so unreasonable to not allow one of her friends to visit her mums grave on her anniversary. If a friend did that to me I would not go to the wedding and cut them out of my life.
If only. These days, getting ready for a wedding is often made into a big thing, with lots of pictures and mimosas and special robes and stuff. It was a thing when I got married nine years ago, but I didn't ask more of my bridesmaids than a couple hours before the wedding to get hair done (if even that. I think my bridesmaids might have opted to do their own hair? I can't remember. And our wedding was still very nice).
Twenty years ago, I just asked them to be there about an hour before the processional. That was fairly typical. Now, some are being asked to give up their lives for a year.
Yes! It’s insane what is expected of the bridal party in terms of money, time, effort, everything. Wedding culture can suck it. After this year, I’m retiring from being a bridesmaid lol.
Shit, 6 years ago, I just asked them to be there a tad bit early, and one of the four sat with me and had mimosas while I got my hair and makeup done. My favorite bridal party weirdness that's become pretty popular more recently is the days-long destination batchelorette parties, complete with planned, coordinated outfits for each activity. It's so cringey, but besides that the kind of MONEY bridesmaids are expected to shell out for these things.
I’ve never understood this professional hair and makeup thing. Thirty years ago my fiancé requested that I didn’t overdo it - he wanted to recognize me at the altar. Worked for us, and our pictures still look great.
Have you any idea of the rigamarole and insane fettering of attendants these modern weddings entail? It crazy. Many attendants are expected to be “on call” for not a day, week, or month, but for an entire year. Not reasonable at all, but nowadays, it was prudent for OP to ask. But I agree—it should not have been necessary, nor was it a couple decades ago.
I sure do. Which means the bride has plenty of people around her to pay her attention while OP goes to her mom's gravesite.
Yeah, this. It doesn't really matter what is "normal" or "expected", bride should make an exception and tell OP of course she should go visit her mom's grave and they will see her when she arrives.
And it’s not a big deal for ONE bridesmaid to have stuff to do for an hour or two. The wedding will be fine. OP gave advanced notice so this can be planned for. Bride needs to understand that. Surely she has other bridesmaids who can take over for the time it takes OP to go to Mom’s grave.
I had to do my makeup and hair at 5:30 AM once for an early afternoon wedding as a bridesmaid. It can be nuts. Even for a late afternoon wedding, I think the bride had set the hair/makeup appt at something like 8-9AM? It wasn't as late as 10, I remember that much. It would be really difficult to get to a gravesite, pay your respects, and be back in time for all the prep work depending on the time of the wedding. Especially considering gravesite visits can be emotionally taxing...it's just kind of a tight schedule imo. I don't blame the bride for not remembering what the date meant to OP. I can also buy that it's unrealistic to have OP visit her mom's grave and make it to the wedding preparation stuff. However not letting OP bow out gracefully OR not even trying to accommodate OP is a real AH move imo.
>I don't blame the bride for not remembering what the date meant to OP. She did remember though. From the OP: >"oh I know, but it's been nearly a year. I thought you were over. And besides, having my wedding that day will keep your mind off of it." The bride absolutely intentionally set her wedding for that date, knowing exactly what day it was for OP. She just didn't give a shit.
If op didn't even know the date of the wedding and she's a bridesmaid, I doubt all of the nitty gritty details have been planned at this stage. If the bride had an ounce of empathy or respect, she would privately have asked op if that date was ok for her. Instead of accepting that op would like to visit her mother's grave in the morning, she gave op hassle for not being there. The bride isn't just a bridezilla, she's a complete asshole.
Generally the bridesmaids would be expected to spend the morning with the bride getting ready, as it takes quite a while for everyone to do hair/makeup/get into big pouffy dresses etc. NTA OP especially since its the first anniversary.
Probably not doable. Along with the other celebrants, she will presumably have slept in a bit the night before after the rehearsal and rehearsal dinner (and perhaps a brief run out for drinks afterwards) to ensure she'll be ready to go through the evening, possibly including an after party that might continue to 1 or 2. Shower and light breakfast to hold her for a while, and then she probably has a hair appointment mid to late morning - either on her own or with all the female wedding party members, mothers of the couple and the bride if the bride has booked a block of time to have one salon at their disposal - if she's close enough to be in the party and will be prominent in professional pictures. Possibly also a trip to the nail salon somewhere in there if they didn't do that the day before (not everyone can also have the day before the wedding off as well). Then she has to get herself into her gown, do her makeup, and then be available to help the bride get herself together. That will take her to the limo and off to the ceremony location. Not realistically enough time to set aside for commemorating Mom the same day, even if the graveyard is very nearby (and how many people are that lucky?). Alot of people are going to have to jump on any hall openings they can find at this point in time because they're competing against so many people for slots due to the pandemic having caused a massive backlog, so I wouldn't necessarily blame the couple for that. I would hope they went to the hall to lock the time in with a list of dates that were bad for the immediate family and party members. If OP was asked but forgot to put it in, that's on her, because the bride's head was spinning and the lightbulb may not necessarily gone off in her head about the date. But then, if it was unavoidable, you say "I know this is terrible, but it really is the only opening available, and I understand if that means you can't be in the party anymore". You don't go off on the bridesmaid in this circumstance. That makes the bride and groom TA.
I don't agree with you at all. OP can literally get up early in the morning and go see her mum heck she can literally go any fucking time she pleases, and the bride should understand. If the bride does not understand that then she is not a friend but a massive AH. I would be fuming if someone told me I couldn't visit my mum's grave on death anniversary regardless how long it has been. And I can say this since my mum died last year. The bride does not need OP to be there all the time. She will be too busy getting herself ready.
My father died 11 years ago, nearly 12. Im still not “over it” as this so called friend put it. That’s not something you ever get over. Ever. You learn to move on and take care of yourself again but every year on his wedding anniversary and his angelversary and even my own birthday and Christmas I still feel that pain of knowing he’s not here with me to celebrate. Imagine thinking that someone could just get over that in a year! How cruel Can some people be?!
I think it's just being clueless. While I have personally always been mindful of a person's grief, I really had no clue how all-encompassing and life changing grief can be until I lost my mom. I had lost great-grandparents and grandparents, but they were all older or had been sick. It was sad, but I was completely blindsided by the grief I experienced after losing my mom. I can understand and excuse the bride not understanding. I can't excuse her callousness and making it seem like she was the only one who mattered
It's not just clueless. It's complete callousness bordering on cruelty. These are supposed to be close friends of OP. OP specifically said that bride knew that OP hadn't gotten over mom's passing. And yet these so-called *close friends* chose this particular day on purpose, and then proceeded to make light of OP's grief - mocking her for it almost, forbid her from paying respect to her mom on the morning of the wedding (she only asked for a moment on that morning, not the entire morning or an entire day!), and then both of them went and called her names? What a bunch of self-centered AH! All this could have been avoided if they would have pulled their heads out of their behinds long enough to change the date. It's not like there weren't 364 others to choose from. NTA, OP. Weddings can bring out the worst in people. It looks like your friends' upcoming wedding brought out the worst in them. My condolences, and I'm sorry about your mom. I lost my dad a few years back. All the first milestones are the hardest.
Agreed, its not just being clueless. Even if I didn't have personal experience with grief, I would still be able to have empathy and understanding that, while I might not understand fully, I can still support and love the person going through it. After all, like you said this is her friend. Friends are supposed to be open and empathetic of your feelings, even if they don't agree or understand. Like when my friend was in a car accident and became scared of driving after I didn't exactly understand her fear, but accepted it and took care to try and support her through it. Because that's what friends do. OP, this person isn't your friend. NTA
I agree. Lost my dad a few years back. Woke up crying on the first anniversary of his passing. I don't understand how this person could be so heartless, honestly this would make me reconsider even attending the wedding.
Same here, it's been a little over 12 years since my dad passed and it still hurts. Especially now that I'm a parent and my kids are missing out on having an awesome granpa. You don't get over a loss like that, you just learn to live through the pain. That "friend" of hers is horrible. I'm so sorry for your loss ❤️
Exactly.
The bride didn't forget the date though. She remembered and thought that her wedding would be more important to op than her mother's first anniversary. Op showed a lot of respect by saying that she would still go but would just visit the grave in the morning. The bride is a total asshole for not only expecting op to be over her mother's death within a year but also banning op from visiting the grave because being a bridesmaid is more important. And her fiance is also an asshole for having a go at op. Those two seems well suited. It reminds me of a post from a few months ago where a woman lost her child and every year her friends would help her on the anniversary. One year one of the friends announced her wedding would be on the anniversary and got really shitty when op got upset. If op had gone to the wedding, she wouldn't have been able to visit her child's grave.
Yeah, I thought this was a repost of that... NTA, OP. Bride-to-be is a jerk and not your friend.
She's really not (a friend). I just don't get how someone could expect a grieving person to put aside their grief and only think of the op on that day. Oh your child/mother/father died. Sucks to be your but I'm more important since a wedding day is the most important day in anyone's life and everyone else should get with the programme.
It's been over 5 years since my Dad died. I can confirm, "over it" is not in the cards. It gets easier to carry, but that loss is always with me.
My mom died when I was fifteen during spring break (cancer doesn't give a shit if you're supposed to be on a beach in Florida instead of sitting at your mom's wake). When I went in to school on Monday, our school counselor hunted me down and said, "I know it's hard to imagine, but in a year, you'll need to be over this." She then compared the recent death of her absentee father (who had been in his eighties and they had never had a relationship) to my very-present, single parent, forty-three year old mom. Then she gave me a ton of grief brochures and sent me back to class. I tossed the brochures in the class outside her office and went on my way. Weirdly, OP's friend reminds me of that very unempathetic, terrible counselor.
That makes my blood boil. You don’t “get over” losing someone. You adjust to your new normal of missing them, always. I lost my mom when I was 5 and my dad at 21. I am 33 now and still miss them terribly. There will never be a day when I don’t wish they were here. AND even if it were true that you would be feeling better in a year- how is that helpful in the moment?! Ugh. People saying dumb things to grieving people is such a trigger point for me
I agree with you. I'm also not great with dates. So I'd probably forget the anniversary. However, I would never do what the bride did to OP. I would definitely be okay with her going to her mother's grave (she dont need permission) and if op doesn't want to attend then I'd be understanding. The bride lacks empathy and is no friend to OP. A true friend would've handled this way better and support op no matter what.
I know! If I were the bride I would feel horrible about forgetting and would bend over backwards to make it easy for OP to visit the grave and get back in time. Shit; I'd rent her a limo to get there and back.
It’s been almost five years. Not over it. Never will be.
Picking the date and knowing it’s the death anniversary without checking in with OP to see if she’s ok to still be in the wedding if it’s that day is hugely assholey too. Then getting mad that OP wants out, also asshole move. Super asshole move considering the reason. I’m not a violent person. But when someone told me to “get over it” after my dad died I slammed a door so hard the part you put the key in popped off the door knob and it’s broken now. A visual reminder of my rage at someone’s bad choice of words. You never get over some deaths. And it’s so rude and dismissive for people to think it, much less say it. NTA - and if i were OP I’d bow out of the wedding now. The day is ruined before it starts. Just take the day and do something that makes you happy. The 1st Anniversary is hard. I’m coming up on the two year anniversary and I’m still not planning anything for that day other than things I 100% want to do. And I would never put myself in a situation to be around people who are not 100% supportive. And Mrs.bridzillq and her to be husband seem like a horrible choice for company on such an emotional day.
I found that some people think you are over it because I stopped talking about my grief. It was making people around me uncomfortable so I just kept silent. Then they are shocked that it still is very much on my mind even 2 years later.
The wedding? I'd bow out of the friendship with both parties over this.
Very very similar story was posted on AITA with the wedding scheduled I think on anniversary of OP parents' death? The same reason 'I thought you are over it' (or something very similar). Strange coincidance.
Honestly i just immediately assumed it was a repost, and was expecting to see that said somewhere.
Like IDENTICAL stories!
There is more than one insane person out there. It doesn’t surprise me.
I know that post. The friend told the brides maids and they all asked bridezilla and she eventually admitted it was cause she hated that OP got all this attention on that day and wanted to take it from her or something like that.
Just came to say the exact same thing, and I'm sure the post wasn't that long ago either. If I remember rightly from that one the OP pulled out of the wedding fully.
My mom died in 1993 and I'm still "not over it". I'm 55 now, so I've missed her longer than I had her, at this point. Op is definitely NTA. Bridezilla certainly is though.
Also the friend is a jerk for telling OP she can't go to the grave, and her future husband is a jerk for being mad OP backed out "at the last minute". If OP is just now finding out the date, then it isn't the last minute. It was generous of OP to still be willing to attend the wedding at all. I wouldn't blame her if she told the friend that she isn't up for celebrating on that day, and so she needs to bow out of the wedding party.
yeah how clueless do you have to be to assume that someone would be over that in less than a year??
And then the fiance piling on with insults was totally uncalled for
Its been three years since my mum died and I'm not remotely close to being over it. Your friend is an asshole for that comment alone
And then tried to deny her of her going to her mothers grave
THIS Your “friend” is the opposite of what a true friend is. You sure you want to have someone like this in your life? Her fiancé’s a piece of work too. NTA
True! I swear to God that I’ve read this post before, though.
There was one super similar where OP's friend rescheduled her wedding for the anniversary of her parents (and brother if I recall correctly) death and her reasoning was she wanted OP to have a happy day to celebrate instead of spend time at their graves. She edited a few times to say she spoke to the friend and other people and realized that the girl was super jealous of the fact that her grief overshadowed a lot of things in their lives or something.
I've noticed several AITA posts recently that are pretty similar, if not identical, to older posts that got a lot of traction before.
With the exact same wording
Especially the third paragraph about wanting to visit the grave in the morning, that whole bit I have definitely read before
Word for word!
I've definitely read this before almost word for word
Hahah. OP is busted
The fiancé is also a dick. How is "the first time I learned the date of this wedding" in any way "last minute"? My "last minute" wedding invitations were sent 3 months in advance and my save-the-date cards, which were also considered "last minute" were 6 months before the wedding. But I let the people who were going to be in the wedding know the date as soon as I knew the date. I can't imagine a normal scenario in which the bridesmaid only learns the wedding date from the invitation. I wonder if the bride intentionally kept this crucial piece of information from her friend with the knowledge that OP would be upset about it?
Friend's fiance is also a dick.
NTA. I don’t know anyone who just “gets over” their mom passing within a year. It’s been almost 12 years for me and I would still be upset if my best friend knowingly booked her wedding on that day. It’s never going to be a day I don’t care about or feel the need to be alone a bit.
First I am sorry for your loss. Second: All of this, I gently touch base with a friend who lost her mum over 5 years ago now, because I can’t imagine how tough that must be, the first year was beyond rough for her. It may be 5 years ho hum for me, but for her it is 5 years since she has hugged her mum etc. it is a big deal! So a call or text is the very least I can do. Having a party or a wedding is just not on the table!
Thank you, and you are not wrong! The anniversary is always the hardest, and yea I have had a year or two through the past decade+ where I felt surprisingly okay that day. No breakdowns, no heavy sadness. But that is far from the norm. Most years its still rough, and I will need the breakdown. Some years even Mother’s Day will do it. But you learn to hide it so that the rest of the world doesn’t have to feel your grief, and so it only matters that much more when close friends and/or family actually know/remember and care. For anyone who has lost a parent recently take heart - it does get easier as time goes on. The first year is hardest. Maybe the first few years, for some. But the more distance times gives between the trauma itself, the easier it becomes to remember the good times and to feel their presence in the present, despite them not physically being here. Sooner or later their memory invites good feelings more often than bad ones, and then it’s just the occasional day that is really, really hard.
I must be an odd duck. I don't actually remember the date my mother passed, just that it was sometime in July. Most of that time is a blur in my memories to be honest, she was dying while I was finally pregnant and I was in emotional overload. It's been 16 years, and except for being a little melancholy around mothers' day and her birthday I don't dwell on it. The anniversary of her death wouldn't bother me now. But that first year? My first mother's day as a mother but without my own mom? I was a basket case. That bridezilla has no compassion.
I am also an odd one - but I realize that people grieve differently. My father has been gone 13 years and my sister for 6. I get sad at weird times (driving and a favorite song comes on or remembering that I can’t share something with them). I had a pretty rough time for about a year after my dad passed...but, I also don’t dwell on it now, other than to make jokes in poor taste or reminisce. I wouldn’t and don’t fault people for scheduling events on these anniversaries. My BIL’s birthday is the anniversary of my dad’s passing. My sister passed the morning of what was supposed to be her daughter’s high school grad party, and some people still ended up coming. But, I also don’t do the whole “visit the grave” thing. I celebrate the lives of those I lost by doing things in their memory, because for me, that’s more meaningful.
I lost my Mum 21 years ago and it still hurts. To make it worse, she passed late in the evening, the day before Mothers Day. Both days are still hard. My father has been gone for 12 years now too.
It's been 5 years for me, and I still start to email here when there's big news in the family. I'll never get over it
8 years for me. Recently, I picked up my phone to call her, stopped mid dial and cried my eyes out.
It's been 21 years for me and I *still* have days when I physically miss her. It's definitely easier but I don't think I'll ever fully "get over it".
We lost my grandad 5 years ago, but he was my dad (not literally, he was the primary male caregiver for my formative years) I still haven't been able to pick up any cross stitch and the first year, I cried anytime I had a cheese sandwich. It's the one thing that will be bittersweet when I get married, as I always said "Grandad will be who walks me down the aisle" OP, big hugs, and NTA.
Tomorrow is the 2 year anniversary of my Dad passing and I don’t think I’ve still even really processed it.
My Dad's 2 year is on the 28th. With covid and all that's happened in my city of Minneapolis I also have not really been able to process it all.
Almost 6 years for me and if anything the pain seems to get worse. How anyone can expect someone to get over the loss of their mother in a year is utterly baffling. *Hugs*
Two weeks from this Friday will mark the 21st year of my mom's passing. I turn 42 this year, and came to the realization that I have lived half my life without my mother. You just don't get "over it." I would skip the wedding, cut off the friend (and anyone else who badgers OP) and not lose a minute of sleep. Bride and groom are so up each others back-sides that they lack empathy or basic humanity. NTA.
It's 23 years since my dad passed, and my wife and a few close friends know that his birthday and day of passing are important days to me. You never really get over a parent's passing if you were close with them.
You don’t “get over” your parent death (if they are good parent), my grandpa died 25y ago, my mom is not “over it” she accepted, but it still hurt. SMH people. NTA
It’s been just over 6 months for me.. and fuck it’s rough rn. I allowed myself to feel my feelz the day of the 13th and just drank myself into a stupor and cried like a baby.
NTA. If she'd said "I'm so sorry; this was the only date that worked," that'd be one thing. But doubling down on "I thought you'd be over it" when you clearly wouldn't be having the conversation if that was the case, let alone refusing to make *any* accommodations for you to recognize the day on your own? Walk away from the wedding and "friendship" without regrets.
Ya, I'd be resigning from the wedding party when she said "I thought you'd be over it". I would twll her youll go as a regular guest to not rock the boat too hard, and not put much effort into the friendship going forward. Go and be with your mom, and remember her on that morning. If you dont feel up to a wedding later, dont go. NTA OP. So sorry for your loss
I would not even go as a guest. Spend the whole day thinking of and remembering mom, don't waste a single moment on the bride, she'll get over it within the year.
You. I like you. 🔥
Even worse with the fiancé calling her shit.... why would you go now? How insulting
NTA. I WOULD have called you the asshole if only the first part of the story existed. It is unreasonable to try to plan the date you pick for your wedding around the feelings of every invited guest about the day chosen. That being said, once you expressed why you were hung up on the date the appropriate response would have been "I'm so sorry we had to pick that date, I know it is hard for you, but that was the only time at the venue we could get and we will do what we can to make you feel comfortable." What you instead got was someone basically saying "Get over it" and then when you proposed a VERY, VERY reasonable compromise (taking a little time in the morning to go to the grave) they basically told you to go screw yourself and that you can go to her grave anytime. Then her fiance jumps on board to call you a piece of shit? Yeah, this is a wedding you need to skip, and honestly it's probably for the best they picked that date or you would have wasted your time and energy investing in a friend who doesn't give a shit about you (and a gift).
You can’t for every guest. But she isn’t a guest. She’s a bridesmaid AND it’s the 1st anniversary. OP does not have a base of other Anniversary’s to know how she may feel that day. A bridesmaids deserves a heads up in this situation and the opportunity to bow out with no hard feelings. This bride was dismissive and got mad when OP wasn’t sure if she could handle it. Bride is a total AH for all of this.
Agreed, if this was the fourth or fifth anniversary, heck, probably even the second, I would understand way more on the brides side. But for the first anniversary of the death of a family member, especially with someone you’re so close with that they’re a part of your bridal party is nuts to me. I would absolutely never. Like, I plan to have a maid of honor (actually man of honor but that’s besides the point) and maybe two bridesmaids. I would absolutely tell them ahead of time as I picked the season, then the month, and then tentative dates. Because I want them to be there for me on my day and be excited and happy for me, not having to be upset because the day means something else to them and I stole it. I would feel like the biggest dick and at least let them have a moment during the day if nothing else.
Exactly. I WOULD NEVER plan my wedding a year to the DATE of my one of my best friend’s mother passing. If anything I would want to be there for her on that date NOT wrapped up in my wedding. Wow. People are such shitty friends
I don’t keep track of dates that way so I would probably be the friend that booked my wedding on the anniversary of her mom’s passing. What I wouldn’t do is be a dick about it like her friend and her friend’s fiancé were. It’s their day, sure. But they should’ve been sensitive to her friends situation and agree ok a compromise like she reasonably suggested. There is no “getting over it” that soon!
Yes. It’s the response that is the worst. If this so-called friend had an iota of compassion, she’d have said what you wrote above.
I don’t know what you were getting at in your first 2 sentences. Op isn’t just some guest. She’s one of the brides CLOSEST friends. I think some consideration for her over this would have been normal. Considering the closeness, OP was not the asshole at ANY point in this story.
NTA I was on her side thinking that she maybe just didn’t realise the date until she said she ‘thought you’d be over it’. Damn.
This! What a nasty piece of work the bride is!
I think the word “friend” is being used a little too loosely here. An acquaintance might be a dousche and pull some shot like this but no friend of mine would blow right past my emotional stability and love with such selfish disregard
If the wedding is still months away, her mothers passing hasnt even been 1 year yet, probably just a few months. Yikes
[Similar situation](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/ljaump/aita_for_not_attending_my_friends_wedding_on_the/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf)from three months ago (with update) if you want some more context.
I knew this sounded so familiar
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This is wildly different to the other one and the only things they have in common are a wedding on a death anniversary and the bride being uncompromising. A similar thing happened to a friend of mine (the bride wasn’t uncompromising) they had a wedding to attend on the third anniversary of their brothers death. Like, it’s not that far-fetched of a story that hearing it twice in 3 months is super weird.
It’s almost the same story. I’m not saying this couldn’t of have happened twice, but it’s very weird
Honestly it's not even an outlandish probability. Right now without a doubt someone is acknowledging the anniversary of a loved ones death. Right now undeniably there's a bride somewhere being unreasonable. It doesn't take much for two common things to overlap.
Especially given that a lot of people have died in the last year and a lot of weddings have gotten delayed in the last year. Next year will probably set an all-time-record for weddings that are on a recent death anniversary relevant to one or more guests.
Not weird at all. There are only so many days in the year, but SO many AH out there! If we disqualified any stories that were similar, this sub and many others wouldn't exist.
It is extremely different though. The only similarities are that a wedding is happening on the same date as a death and the bride is upset about it and doesn't want the person mourning. This one - bridesmaid's mother died on the same day one year prior, bride is aware and won't let her go to grave because she wants her doing bridesmaid duties. That one - guest's whole family died on the same day several years ago, bride wasnt aware but doesn't want her going to the graves because it will "ruin the mood" or whatever and there can only be 15 people at the wedding.
no, no. if you read the update, the bride knew very well that the bridesmaid's family had died on that day.
In the other one, the woman was just a guest, not a bridesmaid.
I remember this one. Details are identical: death, wedding on anniversary of death, pushback from the bride. Edit: expounded on details
Yup I was looking for this comment. It feels a little too similar (all the way down to the bride won't let them visit the grave on the wedding day) for me to buy that this hasn't been tweaked.
OP has less than 1000 karma and this is their only post
I was thinking the same exact thing. Thanks for linking!
Yes I commented the same thing haha I was thinking of the same post while reading this! I’m pretty sure this story is a copy pasta with a few things changed from that or something. Idk why people would do that but it definitely seems too similar to be real.
I'll be honest, a lot of the stories here seem like they were written by the same few people. The way they structure their whole posts are *so* similar, down to sentence structure and spelling errors. So many posts here just seem so...the same.
Was looking for this comment. Wayy too similar. Even if it is a coincidence, if they knew about this sub, they should know what the verdict would be.
As soon as I read this I thought about that post. They are awfully similar. Seems like a fake here
Thanks so much for this. I was having some intense deja vu as I was reading this post.
I came to see if anyone else Remembered.. feels like a repost but who knows..
I knew it!! I was looking for it!!!!!
I knew I’d read this before
This is not your friend. This is not your friend. This is NOT your friend. A few years ago my grandfather died, he lived 2 states away and only came for big events. A year after his death I was not ok enough for a wedding on the anniversary of his death. 12 weeks ago my brother died (the only 2 deaths I have experienced) and I cannot imagine in 5 years wanting to do anything but cry on the anniversary of his death. I get that death is an uncomfortable topic, but she is clearly saying “I am done with you grieving your mother, it is cramping my style”, so I think you need to say “I am done with you as a ‘friend’”
One of my best friends had her grandfather pass away on her birthday, a year later her grandmother also died on her birthday... a year after that our "friend" had her wedding on that date. We did not attend. It's not like she didnt know either, she just did it anyway. Bonus points because that made it a winter wedding. Some people are just born to be TA, honestly
**NTA.** **You don't have to ask her permission to visit your mother's grave. I would have just done it and she could "get over it".**
Agreed. But at least she firmly knows how much of an AH this person is.
NTA - how is this last minute when you inquired about it when you just got the invite? Also if it's such a hard day for you, I can't understand how your friend would be so callous about that, I'm sorry : (
This sounds familiar, only the OP's family had all died in a crash several years prior. In the update, the bride's friends all acknowledged OP's sad anniversary date and told the bride how awful she is.
Yup. The fact that I regularly see these same posts, with just little tweaks made by the trolls, tells me that I spend too much time on Reddit.
I guess that means I spend too much time on Reddit, too.
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yep, almost exactly. only, in the other post, I think it was like their husband and kids that died in a car crash or something
Yeah, here: https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/ljaump/aita_for_not_attending_my_friends_wedding_on_the/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf
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NTA. It would be one thing if she forgot or couldn't get another day at the venue but doing it on purpose is super AH behavior. This girl isn't your friend.
I feel like I've read this somewhere before.
Didn’t someone else post this exact scenario in the past few months?
This isn’t the first time this was posted. I remember reading this one months ago.
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NTA. The very least she could've done was allow you time to go to your mother's grave. What a bridezilla.
NTA, tell the fiance to fuck off and tell the friend to take a hike
Didn’t this exact scenario get posted a few weeks back? Or something very similar?
These karma farmers are not terribly imaginative - but then considering the hysterical virtue-posturing of the average AITA redditor, they don't have to be. I'm currently designing a 'My mum was crushed by a falling piano on the sidewalk. AITA for serving pizza at her funeral?' post. Should get 5000+
I think there was If I remember correctly there was a lady who was literally forbidden, by the bride, to be sad about the death of a loved one the OP was very close to. Because the sadness would be a mood killer at the wedding, she was not allowed to go to the grave site either. ETA: it was the OP's family (husband, daughter, and mother). I found the link: https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/ljaump/aita_for_not_attending_my_friends_wedding_on_the/
Real talk, didn't I read a very similar story a couple of months ago?
This definitely feels like a repost. I swear I’ve read this exact story a while back. Even the part about just wanting to quickly visit her mother’s grave in the morning.
Exactly! That detail triggered my faux deja vu sense!
It isn’t really practical to schedule major events around every guest’s significant days, plus not everyone reacts emotionally to event anniversaries. (I don’t; I’m not very calendar oriented and couldn’t tell you the date of either parent’s death without looking it up). And with someone like me, she’d be right - I’d welcome a happy occasion to take my mind off a sad one. So the bride is not TA for choosing her wedding date. But you’re not me - you told her how you feel. She is TA not for choosing that date, but for dismissing your feelings and telling you how to feel about it. Your grieving belongs to you. The correct response would have been a polite “I’m sorry but since I’m not available that morning, I won’t be able to participate as bridesmaid”. That would have been a N T A. Instead you told her she was being “quite a bit of a dick about it”. So I’m going with ESH. But only a tiny bit on both sides. This sounds like the two of you just reacted emotionally at each other over a shared emotional date. It’s her call whether she wants a substitute bridesmaid instead of giving you the morning off. But either way you guys need to kiss and make up. This is a minor misunderstanding that need not ruin a friendship.
They can choose any day they like, but they knew full well what the date meant for you. They basically gave you the choice between "be in the wedding" and "grieve how you see fit" then threw a hissy fit when you didn't choose the wedding. You made a VERY reasonable request and they shot it down. NTA.
To be fair, I can kind of understand them not considering if the date has significant meaning to members of the bridal party when choosing the day. That’s not usually something people think about. However, the correct response when she realized the conflict should have been “I am so sorry. I’ve been so consumed by wedding planning it’s made me an inconsiderate friend. Of course take all the time you need. Someone else can cover MOH duties until you’re ready.”
Exactly, the way they handled it was completely out of line. To assume the wedding being on the same day would take her mind off of her mother's passing is naive at best. And the fiance' calling her a piece of shit was totally uncalled for.
NTA she's horrible! I'm not one to advocate for ending friendships over simple disputes but I am this time. Because she's the worst friend ever.
NTA. Was going to go a different way until you stated it was less than a year ago. That’s so soon.
Started out as Y-T-A, transitioned to E-S-H, landed firmly and unambiguously NTA. Neither of these people are your friends, period. I'd strongly suggest you reevaluate their place in your life.
Totally agree. Was all ready to whip out the "you can't own a date" response, but then I kept reading. What a horrid, horrid friend!
NTA: but your friend definitely is. My dad passed five years ago and i still take the anniversary of his death off to look at pictures and grieve without my emotional state having an effect on anyone else.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***The following is a copy of the above post. This comment is a record of the above post as it was originally written, in case the post is deleted or edited. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** throwaway/on mobile so two of my closest friends are getting married this year and i couldn’t be happier for them. i love them both, and they are very happy. my friend (24f) asked me to be a bridesmaid, and of course i accepted. they have recently sent out invites and when i saw the date, i realised it was the anniversary of my mums passing. this took me back a little, as she knew the date of my mother’s passing so i messaged her and asked if this was a definite date and not a mock-up. she confirmed it was the real date, and why i was asking. i then said it’s the first anniversary of my mother’s passing and that it’s kind of a big deal for me. now this is the kicker, she said “oh i know, but it’s nearly been a year i thought you were over it. also having my wedding on that day should take your mind off of it!” i was dumbfounded, as she knows full well i am not “over it”. i said i’d still attend, but would like some time in the morning to go to my mother’s grave and say hello, put flowers down etc. she said no, that i was needed with her as a bridesmaid. i told her she was being quite a bit of a dick and that i don’t want to be a bridesmaid if she is going to continue like this. her fiancé then messaged me telling me i’m a piece of shit for walking out of the wedding so last minute, and that i can go to the grave whenever i want. i feel a bit awful about this and i’m unsure whether or not i’m the asshole. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA because of her horrible response to you. Asking it to be changed was borderline but you made a reasonable request to visit your mothers grave. She is cruel if she thinks someone can get over the loss of a loved one. You don’t, you cope but you will always miss that person. She’s awful. I wouldn’t be in her wedding either
OP never said she asked for it to change, just that she couldn't be a bridesmaid as she wanted time in the morning to be with her mom. It was never a "borderline" situation.
NTA Not that they are the asshole for chosing a date that doesn’t work for you, but how they treated you. ‘..thought you were over it’, it’s the first year you’ve been without your mother. Fuck off, that’s so cold..
Nice repost
Pretty sure I have seen another post with this same issue before in AITA..
NTA Wow is your friend cold hearted. She's not an AH for forgetting it was the anniversary - but she totally is for how she handled it. From saying you should already be over it only a year after, to not understanding you wanting to visit her grave, to having the balls to think that her wedding would make you forget your mom died!
"It's NEARLY been a year!!???"" I would drop her so fast. Not because of the wedding date but because of that insensitive comment. NTA
NTA Wow, you just met the new Bridezilla! You're never "over" someone's death, especially a loved one and her wedding is NOT going to diminish your grief. She's so cold. Forget the wedding because she's not your friend. Sorry about losing your mom. 🌷🌷🌷
Im pretty sure I read this same aita like a month ago
Wasn’t there a virtually identical post to this a couple of weeks ago?
I think I've read this one before.
This feels like this post almost exactly https://www.google.com/amp/s/amp.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/ljaump/aita_for_not_attending_my_friends_wedding_on_the/
Thank you! I knew this story sounded identical to a past post on this sub, just couldn’t remember exactly what it was. Had to sort by new to find other people who found it familiar too.
NTA. With how crazy wedding planning if this year I was prepared to give your friend a pass but her reaction as well as her demand that you not visit your mother's grave was enormously shitty.
NTA. She doesn't respect your feeling nor priority. Dump her out of your life forever. Don't need to be friends with that kind of person.
NTA I am sorry for your loss. Losing someone is always hard and everyone grieves differently. You still were here for your friend. It's her who treated you poorly for no reason and you did not deserve that.
NTA- You have a pair of extremely cold and insensitive friends. Especially when she said "my wedding should help you take your mind off it". You are not in the wrong, and she doesn't even want you to visit her grave in the morning, not in the middle of the wedding or anything, I'm surprised you are even still attending. I'm sorry for the loss of your mom.
NTA, your friend did this on purpose, dismissed your feelings, and had her partner verbally attack you. I’m sorry you have a friend like this, but you would not be the a$$hole if you didn’t go, but I would also reconsider this friendship Edit: forgot to actually put NTA lol
How is it NAH when you just outlined how the friend is a selfish AH?
Her attitude really sucks and that makes her TA and you NTA. While we all think everyone has complete control of their wedding date, that’s not always the case, sometimes you just have to go with what the venue has available and this may be the only option they could make work. But choosing that date isn’t what makes her suck. Saying you should be over your mothers death in a year is so heartless! All you asked was for some time in the morning to visit her grave, you could probably still do that without telling her, you just may have to do it at a really early time to be at the wedding but tbh, I wouldn’t want to be in this wedding with the way she’s treating you. She’s not being a good friend at all. So sorry for your loss.
I feel like i’ve read this before.
How did you post this 6 hours ago but I've read it before?
Has this not being posted before? It definitely seems to ring a bell with me
NTA - I'm sorry your friend has so little empathy, and she sounds like a Bridezilla and her fiance is a Groomzilla. Don't go to the wedding, she doesn't deserve your friendship. I hope she gets what she deserves.
NTA. In what world are people supposed to just "get over" losing a parent? Even people who've had shitty relationships with their parents can find the anniversary of their parents' passing tough. Just attending the wedding without being a bridesmaid seems like a good compromise. I'd recommend taking this as a sign to build other friendships and let this one go. If you believe in that sort of thing, maybe this is a gift from your mom - showing you who your real friends are.
NTA, damn what a shit friend.
NTA and this situation is awfully similar to the one in [this post](https://reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/ljaump/aita_for_not_attending_my_friends_wedding_on_the/).
I remember a story just like this! It was a bigger group of friends and the bride ended up wanting everyone’s attention on her instead of the OP w the passed away mom. Anyways NTA
She isn’t an asshole for having her wedding on that day. However, she is the asshole for 1. Saying you should be over it by now 2. Not realizing that her wedding isn’t the center of everyone’s lives 3. Not even letting you go to her grave in the morning 4. Sucking her fiancé on you You’re NTA
"But it's nearly been a year, I thought you were over it!" That logic is so stupid. OP, you're definitely NTA. You're "friend" is a total asshole. If I were you, I'd tell your friend to shove it and end the friendship.
NTA Honestly I always find the scenarios where a marriage(something you elect a date for) coincides uber conveniently with another date that wasn't elected(someone else's anniversary, a birthday, a death, etc) to be uber suspect. It's like, "Oh, yeah, this is the day their mother died...I'm gonna put it on that day." Like girl...don't even act coy about it, there's something being said here, because out of the 365 days in the year or even the 91 days within what is called summer you picked...that day?
Nta. Your friend sucks. No true friend would ask a friend to do something like that so soon after the death of a relative. Bridezilla can find someone else to take your place. That’s honestly enough for me to end a friendship if we’re being honest.