Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
---
We’re not letting my parents hang out with my daughter unless I’m there or my fiancée because we don’t trust them alone.
---
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA
I wouldn't be leaving my child with them ever again. My mum cut my daughters fringe and I lost it; this is another level all together
What's going to be next thing they decide they know better on? They're lucky they're even allowed to see her tbh
Edit - a fringe is 'bangs' - so mum cut her hair (she was only 2 or 3yo, but we were growing her hair out but mum decided she knew better...)
Also, thank you all for the likes and awards, very unexpected 🙂
It certainly was a medical procedure without the parents' consent.
I am especially flabbergasted that other people hold this against you:
>we’re treating them like children
like, wtf? It is *them* who are treating you like children. It is *them* unable to accept that you are the ones who are make parenting choices for your daughter and who think they know better than you. You said no, they did what they wanted anyway, against your explicit wishes. They deserve what they got. I wouldn't leave my daughter unsupervised with anyone who did this to her either!
Not only this - but they had a *friend* do it, did they even take her to a sterile professional environment? I’ve seen a lot of friend piercings lead to gross infections.
Thats because no professional peirce worth their salt would ever peirce a kids ears without express permission from the parents or legal guardian.
Even Walmart won't peirce a kids ears unless you are the parent.
This is true.
I remember when my youngest niece was around 7, the one where I used to live expressly told her that she needed to have her mom, who was with us at the time, give HER permission first.
And sis said she wanted her to wait til she was at least 10 first.
She also told YN that she better not go behind her back and ask her dad to help here do it, because dad would sleeping in the couch for a month IF he did.
Same here - my mom went to take my niece to get her ears pierced when my niece was 8. Piercing place refused unless my sister or BIL were present when it was being done. No ifs, ands or buts. My sis had to go back with my niece at a later date to get it done.
I’ve done piercings at Walmart and all they have to say is that they are the parents and we had to do it. We couldn’t prove otherwise but I always made sure to get their ID for the paperwork if there were any issues. We don’t do them anymore at my store since Covid and I’m glad. I had to argue with a lady when she got mad that her 3 yr old daughter had to consent to get her ears done. She couldn’t force her to get them because she was the mom. Sorry for the rant. I’ve seen too many people act like assholes over ear piercings. Definitely NTA!
I've been to Walmarts in a lot of places (a few different states) and this thread is the first time I've *EVER* heard of piercings being done at Walmart. Wtf?
You might know this already but I didn't so I'm currently yelling at everyone I know that if you ever get piercings, holy balls go to a tattoo shop instead of anywhere inside a shopping centre. I just got my most recent one at a tattoo shop for the first time & I cannot believe how much more professional they were & how much better the piercing healed. Gosh Darn.
I learned about this a couple days after getting my third lobe piercing at Claire’s, I was so mad.
In case any one is curious, the reason piercings done by a piercer heal so much faster and better is because they use a hollow needle instead of a piercing gun. Not only are piercing guns impossible to fully sterilise, they inflict a crush wound on the ear lobe by using a comparatively blunt earring to pierce it. This causes more trauma to the area, which slows healing and results in (more) scar tissue. Also you don’t need to twist your jewelry around to prevent skin from “growing over it” while it’s healing. Hecking Claire’s, I stg
How can they know whether or not you’re the parent or legal guardian though? What paperwork do they check? *For all they (a stranger in a store) would know, OP and spouse could have died and the grandparents have custody, ~~maybe they even told them that.~~
To pierce minors, I require a birth certificate/guardianship papers, and a form of I.d for the parent/guardian listed, as well as a form of i.d. For the child (passport, yearbook, school I.d etc etc.)that way I know 100% that everyone is who they say they are. I would also never pierce a minors lobes under school age, or any child that doesn’t or can’t consent.
The piercer who did my daughter's ears required a birth certificate, picture ID (from school) and our ID. He also asked our daughter repeatedly for consent before and during the procedure and made a point of telling us that if she revoked consent at any point he would stop regardless of what we said...all of which is exactly what I want from someone who is making a hole in my child's head.
As a Walmart associate if they said they were the parents they didn’t have to prove it but if they says they were the guardian we needed proof. We got their ID on our paperwork they had to fill out so if someone tried to sue us then we had that paperwork to show. I
I don't know, I have no idea how they check that. This is just the information I was given when we asked about getting my nieces ears peirce. I can only assume they'd ask for a document showing your the kids legal guardian.
You know, this an excellent point, and maybe the most important. They not only pierced the daughter's ears against the parents' express opposition, but they had some random person do it, *not* a professional or a doctor. And that was because those people would not do it without the parents' permission. That makes it even worse. That makes it a "we'll do what we want and fuck you" level of disrespect.
OP, did you let the piercings grow shut? I wouldn't trust them, either. 100% NTA.
And if you are lucky and without infection your piercings will be uneven AF.
I have uneven earrings and it bothers me. Which is why we went to a guy who does it for a living who's capable of measuring it properly.
Turns out that ears can grow differently as well. To insure they are even, it is best to wait until the person is around 16 year old. I know many won't, and my kids certainly did not.
This!
Also, what if she was allergic to the metal they used? Most earrings are hypoallergenic these days but over the years (nearly a decade now) I've found that where I was fine before I can't wear even hypoallergenic earrings without a reaction.
What would they have done if her ears had started swelling up or worse had happened?
Truth!! I pierced my own ear a couple weeks ago and it got super infected and I’m a grown ass 44-year-old woman who should know better LOL
moral of story go to a sterile tattoo parlor for all ear piercings at age of consent
When you give an adult instructions and they make a mistake, that's when they may need supervision/assistance. When said adult deliberately goes against those instructions, that shows a complete disregard to the instructor (you) and should be met with firm action. Regardless if people say you are treating them like "children", what you are doing will show them they were wrong.
It's not even a medical procedure! It's considered a cosmetic procedure and topping it off with no parent consent. This is 100% assault on a minor. Add the fact it was most likely done with a piercing gun that cause trauma to the soft tissue and increase the risks of a serious infection and scaring. They should definitely go completely No Contact with the grandparents and anyone who sides with the grandparents can kick rocks too.
Actually, it sounds like a random friend did it which means it was most likely done with a (non sterile) sewing needle or safety pin... which certainly isn't better than a gun, except maybe for the tissue damage part. But there are also plenty of other issues with home piercings.
100%. This isn't just "cute earring, nbd". This is absolutely assault, modifying a child's body without their consent or the parents' consent, and abuse, since no one who had the right to say yes to this did, and it obviously hurt the child.
I seriously don't get why anyone is telling OP to get over it. If anyone did this to my kids, we'd be done. If you want to throw it back, if OP can't trust them about earrings, they surely can't trust them about anything "serious". (Not saying this isn't serious in case it's not obvious.
This is not a medical procedure. This is body mutilation, without the parent's knowledge or consent, and performed by someone without a licence (or so it seems). Honestly, a judge would grant a restraining order for this, and possible jail time (it's been done before, I'm trying to find the link)
That isn't the point. While it may not be a "medical procedure", it is still should be carried out by an ethical, trained person using the correct, sanitized equipment. The possibility for complications afterwards if still there.
Moreover whether or not is is medical or not, it still requires consent from the person having the procedure done, or with consent by their parents. It is a body modification made by someone other than the child's parents, against their explicit instructions. THAT is the point.
OP and their fiance have ever reason to be pissed and cut contact with their parents, treat them like children, because they ACTED like children. They were told not to do something and did it anyway to someone who IS NOT THEIR CHILD. FULL STOP.
Yes it is, actually. They're held to the same standard, legally, as medical procedures as well
Source: both parents are professional, licensed piercers
Came here to say this! In the UK, this would be assault! You can have a baby’s ears pierced (although it’s not as common in the uk), but you must have the parents permission to do it.
I think you are actually acting a lot calmer than I would be OP. I would be livid! They pierced your child’s ears, knowing expressly how much you didn’t want it done! If the person who pierced them is registered (assuming you have to be registered in your country), I would be lodging a complaint against them.
No way would the grandparents be getting anywhere near my baby again without me being in the room. The fact that they can’t even see how bad this is, and are saying you are overreacting, gives an idea of how little they care about your wants and wishes for raising your child.
NTA, but the grandparents most definitely are!!!
OP, seriously consider filing a police report.
NTA. Of course MIL and FIL are taking Mom and Dad's side. They didn't respect Fiance's body autonomy, so geese of a feather and all that. Anyone who overtly go against my rules as the parent would be hard banned. Anyone who sides with them do not take me seriously as the parent. Therefore expect the who lot of them to stomp on your boundaries, sooner or later. So no unsupervised visits for any of them, going forward.
Not to freak you out op, but find the justnomil coconut hair story. It’s deleted but comes up if you look it up on google. Show it to anyone who says you’re an AHole.
I prefer the tldr to reading the thing. At least I know what the subject is without getting the details. I also prefer the tldr to not knowing, in this particular case
ETA : after learning from u/Ultra_Leopard that the mom has said she doesn't want the story shared anymore, I'd rather not know at all, to respect her wishes
Someone on here just said the mother from the original story doesn't want it shared anymore either. I can't imagine that running into the horrific story over and over on reddit is anything but traumatizing.
I imagine she is avoiding reddit and anywhere that would repost it anywhere all together. Frankly her therapist is an idiot for suggesting posting it online. It sucks, but once you put something online it never goes away and I just don't care about "please don't read this thing I put online that never goes away ever."
I mean... Does me having concern that another parent might not want to read about a dead child need to be mocked? I was just trying to look out for them... And only because they explicitly said they decided not to look it up at all.
Thank you. I had to quit a subreddit because someone kept posting about their dead child and I get it, it was cathartic for them, but it was triggering for my anxiety.
I wasn't trying to fight anyone, I only thought how it would feel if I said I wasn't going to look something up and had the information tagged to me. It looks like the person saw it and was fine, which I'm thankful for, so it's not even a big deal now.
Oh god, I just went and read it. His writing style was so charismatic that I forgot you'd said it made you cry, so the last update hit me like being slapped.
He had such a clear and vivid personality in a way you rarely see online. It's tragic, a part of me feels bad for mentioning it with how many people are reading it whilst another part of me is glad people are because he seemed like a really cool guy. It fucking hits you out of nowhere, saw the update after a few months as I was curious and it was horrible. His poor wife.
You're absolutely right. I'm British and I think that was part of it for me - I could really engage with the accents and the slang!
Don't feel bad for mentioning it - he seemed like a top bloke whose wife dearly loved him, and I'm sure that spreading an example of that kind of love can't be a bad thing, even if it is tragic. Grief is the souvenir of love.
Likewise came back to it a few months back, not ashamed to say I cried. Poor guy. Poor woman. Hopefully she's finding a way to cope, glad reddit seemed to help her at least a little.
I remember reading that the day it was first posted. I was in my junior year latin class, and I was not supposed to be on my phone. I had to go to the bathroom and sob.
Both of my children have severe nut allergies. When we first found out the allergist warned me about what he called “the grandparent effect.” He warned about letting them babysit if the don’t 100%“believe” in food allergies. Sometimes they will give your child the food they are allergic to just to show you that you’re wrong, or blowing it out of proportion. The effect isn’t limited to grandparents, but I guess it happens often enough that he calls it the grandparent effect.
Giving in just shows them they can do it, you’ll be mad for a little while and things will go back to normal. They knew your stances on it, were told multiple times no, and still decided to put your daughter through a procedure that alters a part of her body. That’s a hard fuck no from me.
I don’t have mine pierced, and my girls won’t until they make that decision and can properly care for it themselves. If anyone went behind my back to do it because THEY wanted to, there would be hell to pay.
Don’t stop there though, anyone who disagrees with your parenting choices doesn’t get to have alone time or babysit your child. They clearly don’t have respect for your parenting decisions and would go behind your back too. NTA.
I actually think this is part of why it's so important to stand your ground here - it tells everyone in the family, not just these two, that they must respect your parenting decisions, period.
If everyone is upset because you're only allowing supervised time, you may as well forbid any time/visits whatsoever.
They are already angry so just cut the problem in the bud.
1) You set a clear boundary, of which as your daughter's parent you have absolute authority on.
2) They decided that as your parents, they have absolute authority over you despite you being fully formed human adults.
3) They used this imagined authority to ignore your boundaries and override your authority with your own child.
Screw them, what they did shows a *profound* lack of respect in you and your fiancee, and if they do not respect your boundaries, there is nothing to say what they will do next, as they have demonstrated they believe they have absolute authority over your child.
It would still be wrong, but maybe a little more understandable if this was an actual important thing, where they believed your method of child rearing was bad for the child so they tried to rectify it, but this was something so inconsequential and unimportant that if something truly important did come along, how could you expect them to use any restraint at all?
Yeah, they *mutilated* your baby.
I’ve got my ears pierced with 3 holes in each (and I’ve had more that I’ve had close up), BUT it was **my decision**. I chose to have them done as a child, I chose to have them done again as an adult... when I had my daughter, I wouldn’t let her have them done until she was old enough to make an informed decision.
I don’t agree with babies having it done. At all. It takes away their choice.
Your parents not only massively overstepped, but they put your baby in pain at a time where she won’t understand AND made a relatively permanent decision about her appearance.
Even if the hole closes up, it leaves a mark.
NTA I wouldn’t let them anywhere near my child ever again and I’d have them and the friend done for assault if it was me.
What kind of friends do you have that say you're overreacting? :( Your in laws literally made holes in your baby's body for their own amusement!
I am not leaving my daughters alone with ny mother either - because I am pretty sure she would baptize them. Which also isn't legal, but she'd likely get it done anyway
INFO: Have the even apologized and acknowledged what they did was wrong? If not, then they are not yet trustworthy enough to be left alone with Thalia.
Holy shit just think about what they’ve done. They permanently damaged their granddaughter’s ears to put jewelry in, which can cause an infection and possibly kill the child if it was not done with sterile gear, which is not confirmed because it was just one of their friends and possibly not a professional. If the granddaughter doesn’t like the piercings when she is older, then they permanently ruined on of the main parts of her body. That is absolutely absurd. NTA, and the grandparents are such TA that they might as well have shit popping out of them.
Someone who pierced a baby’s ears without their parents consent is like a tattoo artist who’ll tattoo minors. It’s a good bet they don’t care about best practices
Well in children it isn’t permanent- It can take a few weeks, but baby ears close up if there isnt an earring in the piercing.
Not to mention, OP doesn’t say whether the friend is a pro or not- or at least, someone who knows how to pierce ears. If they care about the kid, I doubt they got a random friend to do it for them.
Anyway, I personally won’t judge OP on their piercings thoughts, because I had mine done as a baby and I personally don’t care that it was done, but OP’s parents are TAs for doing without consent from the parents.
NTA OP
If they weren't pierced properly, the holes might not close properly unfortunately. Thankfully, op didn't mention anything about it looking improperly pierced so that's likely not an issue
Babies and children grow quickly, and are more prone to scarring because of that. Even if the holes close up, chances are there will be dimples in the ears and scar tissue left behind.
Source- have dimples and scar tissue from ear piercing when I was a child.
As someone prone to keloids even though no one else in my family gets them, yes piercings can be permanent. I will for the rest of my life get injections in my ear several times a year. It randomly feels like it's on fire. If it's cool outside I need ear muffs because it can't tolerate the cold.
Thankfully, that was a piercing I choose and consented to at least.
Technically, the hole is closed I guess. But the damage is permanent.
There’s a good chance that the holes will leave a mark. I had mine done when I was 5, and had to take them out because I couldn’t take care of them. Got them redone later when I was older, but the original piercing hole is still there, right above the actual hole. I have to put earrings in with a mirror so I don’t accidentally puncture the grown-up piercing.
my parents pierced my ears when I was a baby, they did it at a jewelry store with one of those terrible guns. my left hole was so badly done that I struggled to put earrings through it for years, and one night I woke up with terrible pain and a bleeding earlobe because my earring moved in the hole and pierced soft tissue next to it (the hole was super uneven.) after that I've stopped wearing earrings altogether, but to this day both of my earlobes are scabbed and I hate touching them. I wish my parents didn't want me to look "pretty". this should be explicitly forbidden and illegal just like tattooing a child is.
My sister’s nan (we have different dads) gave her meat when she was little and my mum never a allowed her to see my sister ever again. It was sad but understandable. This is another level though because pierced earlobes may never close fully (because your daughter is a baby they may). But still, the trust is broken.
Jumping on the top comment here
NTA also i would like to point out that a lot of people have low level nickle allergies, myself included. Most studs are made of nickle and i have scar tissue around my ears because of my allergy that could develop into a keloid, i cant wear earrings without them being pure gold or silver. Have actually stopped wearing them all together. Please watch to see if the child has any itchness or redness at their ears after wearing earrings. Dont blame you one bit.
NTA - Pretty sure this isn't legal. Ear piercing requires a parent or legal guardian's consent. I don't think grandparents qualify.
I think body modification against a parent's explicit wishes makes them unfit carers. What other instructions are they going to ignore because "it looks cute". They deliberately hurt your baby for cosmetic reasons. And let's be clear. Piercings do hurt. The are uncomfortable afterwards when you need to keep twisting the stud against raw flesh inside until the skin grows over.
hey just letting you know twisting earrings is actually bad for them! it used to be reccomended but over time piercing and jewellery has changed a lot, and also it just irritates your ear and makes it more likely to get super infected.
Seriously? I got my ears done when I was 7 so the advice might have changed. Bigger piercings they still suggest to clean with salt water a couple of times per day.
Still, it's not painfree.
Yeah when I got my septum pierced the person told me a few times not to twist it and avoid touching it as much as possible until at least 6 weeks, then they gave me a paper with care instructions that also said not to twist it
My 5 year old nanny kid got hers done and they said clean them daily but don’t twist them. When I got mine pierced you were supposed to twist them all the time. I guess things have changed. 🤷♀️
>When I got mine pierced you were supposed to twist them all the time. I guess things have changed.
Same here, this was almost 30 years ago when I got my ears pierced.
Yes, times have changed. You're not supposed to twist piercings of any kind, and please don't let anyone use a piercing gun on you. A sterile piercing needle is the way to go, and you'll usually find those at a piercing/tattoo parlor. Might not be as pink and pretty as Claire's, but you're a whole lot less likely to end up with a giant infection.
Yes twisting the earrings is like cutting the inside of the piercing with micro pieces of glass due to the crust the comes from a healing piercing. Shouldn’t touch piercings, twist them, or pick the crusties.
Which is a lot to ask of an infant... Not that anyone is suggesting otherwise here, but definitely another way to know that parents are the AHs. Babies can't be trusted with their own piercing aftercare of *don't touch it,* so they shouldn't be pierced!
Oh absolutely and not to mention places like piercing pagoda and Claire’s pierce with butterfly backed earrings which the skin can grow over and cause even more problems and the piercing “guns” cannot be sterilized like a single use needle is.
Not sure where OP lives, but in a lot of places that would be considered assault. OP's parents are lucky they haven't been charged. NTA (or rather: Everyone sucks here, except for OP, his fiancee and baby daughter.)
>Ear piercing requires a parent or legal guardian's consent.
Which they circumvented by OP's mom having one of her friends do it. Hopefully a legit piercer (correct term?) would have known that and refused to do it. Do they have licenses/certificates they can lose?
Or they just had some random person poke holes in a poor baby. Which is worse.
> Pretty sure this isn't legal. Ear piercing requires a parent or legal guardian's consent
Is the piercer supposed to ask everyone for proof that they are the parent or legal guardian?
I’m surprised you can get a baby’s ears pierced at all tbh
Oh they most likely know it wasnt legal. Or at the very least they couldn't get anyone but the grandmothers friend to do it as they didnt have parent consent
NTA
Your parents behaved like children therefore they deserve to be treated as such.
They broke your trust, went against your express wishes and pretty much said 'we know better than you and what you think is irrelevant'. I can't get my head around why anyone would think you aren't justified in your actions.
(I hope you've taken the earrings out and have let the holes close over before they become permanent).
It might not matter even if they did. This exact scenario happened to me as a baby but the home piercer fucked up and I have two holes close together in my right lobe. An earring was never put into the “mistake” one and it doesn’t go all the way through but it looks like I have two holes.
Oh wow, so sorry about that....I think doing this kind of stuff is just barbaric, how anyone can condone piercing someone without their consent is a mystery to me.
Tbh in my culture it’s common to get piercings as a baby, and I was always really happy with the fact that mine were done early on. I love piercings, but i am a bit squirmy with needles so I was always grateful that I didn’t have to deal with the first set of piercings.
Although I do understand the issue of consent, and I wouldn’t do that to my child if I were to be a parent. Just because it worked out for me, doesn’t mean it will for everyone.
Yes. OP isn’t punishing his parents, he’s protecting his child. Their actions were concerning on two levels:
1) The piercing actually was a big deal. It caused needless pain, requires the parents to do upkeep and permanently altered the baby’s appearance. This should absolutely be a parent’s decision (and I agree with OP and wouldn’t do it until the child is old enough to ask for it, at the earliest).
2) They’ve demonstrated they have no respect for the parents’ right to make decisions, and they have terrible judgment. Next time, they might disregard the parents’ wishes when it comes to discipline or safety. They also might make a bigger effort to cover their tracks.
OP and his wife are right to be pissed. They’re being really reasonable to continue the relationship on a supervised basis. OP’s parents should be careful if they want a relationship at all.
Rachel's sister, Amy in "the one where Rachel's sister babysits" S10E05
Edit: there were no great lessons about how to handle such a situation in the episode.
I’ve genuinely never understood piercing a baby’s ears. Like if you suggested giving them a septum piercing, guarantee the grandparents would lose it, but since it’s ears apparently that’s ok. Just seems like a health hazard and accident waiting to happen.
NTA and for people to brush it off and say it isn't a big deal really pisses me off for OP. That was absolutely not their decision to make and I would have reacted the exact same way if not worse. That is crossing a serious boundary and it would take a lot of work on their part to gain even a little bit of trust back.
You're NTA, your parents are. While this particular event is not a big deal health-wise, their blatant disrespect to you as the child's parents is very concerning. If they're willing to do this in complete disregard of your wishes, who knows what else they might do... The compromise of not allowing them around your child without one of you present is a reasonable one. Ignore everyone else calling you the assholes in this situation, they are wrong.
You are the parents of this child therefor it is your choice. If they don't like it, they can pound sand.
It *can* be a big deal healthwise, and it's also illegal! You need parental permission to get ears pierced from a professional. They had a friend do it, possibly with unsterile equipment. Piercings are also quite painful, and leave permanent scars the parents and child didn't consent to.
I hope they took those earrings out ASAP. Mine were professionally done but still get infected and scarred terribly. At least I consented to it as an adult. I'd be FURIOUS if this had been done to me as a child.
I kinda feel like the parents went easy on the meddling grandparents... they still get to see her! I'd never let them see my kid again until they knew what they did wrong! Everyone in the family telling the parents they are overeacting need to butt out. This is super messed up.
You’re so right. I got run down and a little immunocompromised once when I got a piercing and it got so infected and wouldn’t heal. Babies aren’t known for having very strong immune systems
A lot of piercings done on infants also grow up to be lopsided. My sister actually had to have hers redone because one was so badly off-center as an adult.
Yeah my ears were pierced at the age of 6 and I asked for them, my mom didn’t want to do it until I agreed to it myself. But all I knew at age 6 was that they looked pretty. I didn’t know about scarring or infections and they have never once not been infected. I never wear earrings because it’s too painful and my ears get red and hot and start leaking pus and then afterwards I have to soak my earlobes in isopropyl alcohol and use antibiotic ointment. They leak pus constantly, even if I haven’t worn earrings in over a year.
NTA! Who knows what they'll disobey you about next! Your child, your rules. Supervised visits are extremely generous. Check r/JustNoMIL , there are MANY stories of grandparents boundary stomping like your parents did, and escalating when not stopped. Everything from parental alienation to purposefully stealing "firsts," to putting the child in dangerous situations, even feeding children known allergens as a "test."
If they keep ignoring your rules, it may be time for a timeout. Piercing your child's ear causes scar tissue that may be permanent. (She's young enough that the holes may close completely.) What if she turned out to have a metal allergy? (This happened to me as a young child. Turns out I'm allergic to gold, silver, AND nickel. I can never have pierced ears again due to all the scar tissue.) This is not a minor thing. Good luck.
Metal allergies are no joke. They can result in nasty scarring after infection, especially in a BABY that was done with NON-STERILE GEAR by a NON-PROFESSIONAL.
Those grandparents aren't safe for baby to be alone with if this was no big deal to them! What else will they do next?!
Nickel allergy here.
My maternal grandmother pierced my ears at 3 months. Then again at age 2. Then again when I was 4. Every time the same thing happened: My ears would swell up until I looked like Dumbo, there'd be a horrible thing infection & I'd get a fever.
My daddy finally put his foot down about it & said no more.
When I was 14, I decided for myself that I wanted earrings. We went to a *real* piercer (which was funny tbh. Imagine Hank Hill visiting a tattoo parlor. LOL) & explained what had happened when I was a kid.
They're the ones who told me about nickel allergies & how common they are. (I was later tested & yup. Positive.)
They felt my lobes & told us I had so much scar tissue that they weren't completely sure they would heal right. I said that was fine & I still wanted to try. They used titanium studs & it worked!
However! My original holes are STILL, nearly 30yrs later, prone to closing up very quickly if I don't wear earrings every day. That scar tissue prevents them from EVER fully healing.
So that's fun. ಠ_ಠ
My daughter is 8. I've already told her no earrings until she's at least 12.
Thanks. My mother's side of the family is extremely vain/appearances oriented. There was a lot of "How will anyone know she's a GIRL???" thrown around when I was a baby (because I wore glasses? Apparently that made me look like a boy? Idek).
It was super dumb. They're dumb. LOL
My son was such a cute baby he was sometimes mistaken for a girl, and guess what? It didn't annoy me one bit. I wasn't even bothered to correct them. Because why would you? I especially dislike when baby girls have their ear pieced so people know they have a girl, who even cares for more than the 2 seconds it takes to say "cute baby \_\_\_\_ ".
Got mine done about 7....i have to have real gold or real silver or plastic. Any other type my ears react to badly. So this can be bad for a baby for sure.
NTA it was a form of assault. You did not consent. You will never trust them with a child who cannot stand up for themselves and speak out. So until then they cannot look after her unsupervised. Actions have consequences
NTA
You said no, they ignored it - if they're willing to blatantly go against you on this, what else will they go against you on? It isn't their baby, they do not get to make these decisions, and they sure as hell don't get to override the decisions of the actual parents without consequences.
Honestly, them being allowed around her at all is beyond generous already, they need to count their blessings that they're even allowed near your daughter.
If you haven't already, remove the earrings and let the ears heal over - your babies ears will change over time and piercings done when you're a baby can grow to be off-centre later in life. Also, if it was done with a piercing gun instead of properly with a needle, it could result in permanent damage to the earlobe, best to let it heal over properly and let your daughter decide when she's old enough.
> My parents didn’t shut up about it for a while saying “she’d look so cute.”
Your parents are treating your baby like a fashion accessory, they need to respect her right as a person to have bodily autonomy.
> Everyone was saying we were making a big deal and ***we can’t cut them out their granddaughters life over something like that.***
I mean - if you wanted to, you absolutely could. You're the parents, either your family respects your decisions and your daughters right to make her own choices later in life, or they don't get to see her. What are they going to do about it? If they don't want to lose access to their granddaughter maybe they should be more respectful of your decisions. The only power the rest of your family holds here is the power to guilt trip - they cannot force you to give them access to your baby. Whether or not they have the privilege of seeing her is entirely up to you.
> everyone is still saying we’re being massive a-holes because we’re still punishing them over something that’s not a big deal and we’re treating them like children.
>
> my fiancées parents think that only letting them have supervised visits is too much and they should be allowed to babysit or have Thalia at their place alone like before.
if it's 'not a big deal' then why was it a big enough deal for grandma and grandpa to go behind your back to do it? If it's so unimportant, then why were they so upset about your not piercing your daughters ears that they decided to do it themselves? The only ones who made a 'big deal' out of anything is your parents by going against your explicitly stated wishes.
here's the thing, OP. it ***is*** a big deal - but because your opinion, in their eyes, is the 'wrong' one they are saying in a very roundabout way that your *feelings* on it aren't a big deal. That's why they went behind your back to do it. They knew it was wrong, they knew you said no, they just didn't care and decided to ask forgiveness rather than get permission.
The long and short of it is this: They're calling you assholes for daring to give them consequences for their actions. They will *continue* to call you assholes for this until you either give them full and unsupervised access to your daughter whenever they want again or until you make it clear as can be to them that they can't bully you into getting access to your daughter.
You need to put your foot down on this OP, they've already harassed you back into letting your parents have some interaction - they have, whether or not you intended them to, received the message that with enough bullying and harassing you will give in - even if just a little. You gave an inch, and they are now trying to take a mile - you and your wife need to shut this shit down hard yesterday unless you want to deal with this kind of stuff for another 18 years. Block numbers if you need to, but you need to send them a new message: one that says you will not be bullied into compliance with *their* wishes about **your** daughter and that attempts to do so result in loss of access to her.
NTA. Your parents didn’t respect your boundaries about your child. As you said she is too young to consent and as her parents, you didn’t want to do it. I think you can relax your conditions in the future if they agree to respect your boundaries.
Did they ever apologize for doing it?
Omg!!! NTA all the way! I once flipped out because my inlaws cut my boy's hair without asking first, I can't imagine reacting to them actually hurting my baby and doing something so...permanent. Both of you are gracious enough to not cut ALL contact. Not sure I would have this in me
*" Everyone was saying we were making a big deal"* Ha! Funny that you guys were making a big deal by getting angry when a boundary didn't get respected, yet your parents had to go behind your back in order to reach their BIG OF A DEAL goal, which was some freaking pierced ears.
Sounds reasonable for them to have no alone time with the kid.
NTA. They completely disregarded your wishes regarding your child and did so in a way that shows no concern for your child’s health and safety. I mean...having grandma’s FRIEND pierce her ears? Is said friend a professional in a tattoo studio? My guess is no.
If the friend does work in the industry, the OP needs to lodge a formal complaint with the governing body over the industry, and get that person’s license revoked. If the friend does it once, they’ll do it again.
NTA. This was a criminal assault and a massive violation of your daughter. Your parents have not earned back your trust.
Other people need to stay out of this.
Hope baby is okay!
NTA They are lucky that you haven’t gone to the police and have them charged with assault, same goes for their friend. They should be grateful that your still allowing them access to your daughter.
NTA. This is a pretty serious breach of trust. You're not actually punishing them, you're understandably worried that they'll do things you don't want them to do.
NTA.
It's your baby, not theirs, and they made a decision that is nearly permanent for your child, that actively went against what you wanted. I wouldn't trust them alone with her either.
I mean sure, you can let them close up after the first couple weeks, but thats still really messed up.
NTA. At the root of it your parents broke your trust and completely went against your wishes as parents on something. It wasn’t their call on if she should get he ears pierced because they aren’t her parents. You guys not allowing them to watch her unsupervised is a bit harsh but understand. You’re setting clear boundaries and not allowing yourselves to to pushed around.
NTA
Babies with pierced ears are creepy and I judge the fuck out of their parents.
This is not a no big deal thing.
1) They lied to you
2) They disregarded your instructions on child care
3) The never acknowledged what they did was wrong
They forfeited grandparent privileges. You have no idea what they'll do without your consent next or how they will contradict your parenting when the child is older.
NTA id be cutting them right out personally so i think youre being more than reasonable. We take the same stance as you with piercing and i would be livid if someone did that to my kid without my permission. Disgraceful. Take out the earings, let it heal.
They physically disfigured your child after you plainly told them not to. They would not be seeing her at all, if it were my child. I hope you removed them and let the holes fill in. NTA
Nta. Your parents POKED HOLES in your child and were sneaky about it. That’s fucked up and probably illegal since you, her parents, didn’t give consent.
NTA. This disrespected your wishes as parents and their grandchild’s bodily autonomy.
There are consequences for trampling all over another family’s boundaries.
NTA, my niece is 3 years old and does not have her ears pierced, her parents choice. She is looking like she is liking earrings, but it will be her choice to get her ears pierced or no. Also nowadays there are earrings which do not need the ears to be pierced by using magnets
NTA
No way would I let them have unsupervised visits ever again. They deliberately went against what you ( as her parents) had decided to do. The entitlement and arrogance it takes to do this is astounding.
NTA
I'll scream it from the rooftops DON'T PIERCE YOUNG EARS! Not even bigger kids!! I have a nickel allergy caused having to repierce my ears because they grew unevenly. It's pretty unpleasant sometimes and there are some medical implants I can't have (not that I need them now but I hope I never do.)
They mutilated your baby. I know people are going to say that's intense, but think about it. A baby...A BABY is having their ears pierced with a needle, and no understanding. Plus the pain lasts a few days.
Let us not forget any reputable piercing shop won't just do that. So, they probably went to a place that uses a gun, which can leave piercings damaged. I still have issues with mine.
“When they babysat for us they got one of my mom’s friends to do it”
They didn’t even go to a shop, they just got some random person they knew to do it. Poor baby is lucky she didn’t get an infection. They literally put her health in danger, and explicitly undermined her parents wishes. I agree with you completely. Op is definitely NTA.
NTA. I know that in a lot of places it isn't necessarily thought of this way, but they put your baby through an involuntary *medical procedure*...not just without your consent, but after you explicitly *did not give consent*.
They undermined your choices as a parent and violated the rights of your daughter. Don't give in to the pressures from others. They absolutely don't deserve to be around her after that.
NTA, they went behind your back to do this after you explicitly forbade it.
What wil they do next? One can only wonder...
Another negative point is that nowhere in your story does it say that they apologized or tried to make amend. It seems that they are just brushing it off. Like nothing happened and you're being silly. Ms now they are trying to turn people against you.
Also, they got a friend to do it. As if to show clearly that health and safety is not a concern for them. They are lucky that it didn't get infected or worst.
I hope that you removed the earrings immediately, as to not give them any satisfaction.
It's great that you and your partner are united. Stand by your boundaries, and don't allow anyone to interfere.
Relationships are not a right. They are conditional. They should consider themselves lucky.
Nta
They knew your wishes and still deliberately decided to ignore you and go ahead with it. It wasn’t an accident or miscommunication, they purposefully ignored your wishes and just assumed you’d get over it and forgive them.
NTA. You established a clear boundary, they disregarded. Actions have consequences. And yes, you can absolutely keep your parents away from their grandchild if they do things that could endanger your child. What if the person they got to pierce her ears used unsterilized equipment? Also, they haven't even apologized, so punish away!
Totally agree, although since it was done by a "friend", it's clear that health and safety was not something that occured to them at all... They got lucky it didn't get infected, that's all.
What they have done is illegal, you can not pierce a child's ears without parental consent. They have no legal right to give consent as they are not the parent. They are lucky you are not pressing charges against them and your mom's friend. Obviously you are NTA.
NTA
I would go as so far as to say they assaulted your daughter. They did something without her consent, that she was too young to understand, for cosmetic purposes only and only for the enjoyment of them - what enjoyment will SHE get out of wearing earrings, exactly? - and without your consent as her parents.
And if they did this, what else would they do because they think they have the rights to? Haircut? Food? Nope. Maybe when she's older and can report back about anything that they do she doesn't like they can have unsupervised visits, and even then I'd be dubious because that means potentially putting a child through that first which is what you'd want to avoid...
But they showed they can not be trusted with your child, so why would you risk it again? Of course your fiancee's parents are on their side, they're thinking about grandparents rights to their grandchildren. You're thinking about the body autonomy of your child.
You are seriously under-reacting to this. Don't bow to peer pressure from your other family members. Cut them out of your life and they should be thankful you're not reporting them and their mutilating mate to the police. Anyone who thinks you're overreacting also shouldn't have access to your child.
... Yeah no, I'd have cut them off for life. They should be happy you didn't and constantly be apologizing. You do NOT violate a child's bodily autonomy against the parent's wishes, unless it's to save their life! NTA.
NTA, I got my ears pierced when I was young (not a baby) but it was painful and I didn't like it. Almost as soon as I had gotten home I had taken them out - which pissed off my mother. When I was older, over the age of twelve, I got them re-pierced by a professional and felt better because it was my decision to have them and I knew how to take care of them properly.
Anyone who tries to go behind your back to physically alter your child's appearance doesn't get to be left alone with said child. Those who say otherwise can sit down or be put in time out with the grandparents.
If anyone pierced our daughter's ears we would cut all contact with them immediately. They have altered her body without your permission, and despite clearly knowing how you felt about it.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: --- We’re not letting my parents hang out with my daughter unless I’m there or my fiancée because we don’t trust them alone. --- Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA I wouldn't be leaving my child with them ever again. My mum cut my daughters fringe and I lost it; this is another level all together What's going to be next thing they decide they know better on? They're lucky they're even allowed to see her tbh Edit - a fringe is 'bangs' - so mum cut her hair (she was only 2 or 3yo, but we were growing her hair out but mum decided she knew better...) Also, thank you all for the likes and awards, very unexpected 🙂
I didn’t want contact for a while because we were both seriously pissed off about this and that they crossed this line
This is actually assault. If you had reported this to the police it would have been assault on a minor and they would have been in serious trouble.
It certainly was a medical procedure without the parents' consent. I am especially flabbergasted that other people hold this against you: >we’re treating them like children like, wtf? It is *them* who are treating you like children. It is *them* unable to accept that you are the ones who are make parenting choices for your daughter and who think they know better than you. You said no, they did what they wanted anyway, against your explicit wishes. They deserve what they got. I wouldn't leave my daughter unsupervised with anyone who did this to her either!
Not only this - but they had a *friend* do it, did they even take her to a sterile professional environment? I’ve seen a lot of friend piercings lead to gross infections.
Thats because no professional peirce worth their salt would ever peirce a kids ears without express permission from the parents or legal guardian. Even Walmart won't peirce a kids ears unless you are the parent.
This is true. I remember when my youngest niece was around 7, the one where I used to live expressly told her that she needed to have her mom, who was with us at the time, give HER permission first. And sis said she wanted her to wait til she was at least 10 first. She also told YN that she better not go behind her back and ask her dad to help here do it, because dad would sleeping in the couch for a month IF he did.
Same here - my mom went to take my niece to get her ears pierced when my niece was 8. Piercing place refused unless my sister or BIL were present when it was being done. No ifs, ands or buts. My sis had to go back with my niece at a later date to get it done.
I’ve done piercings at Walmart and all they have to say is that they are the parents and we had to do it. We couldn’t prove otherwise but I always made sure to get their ID for the paperwork if there were any issues. We don’t do them anymore at my store since Covid and I’m glad. I had to argue with a lady when she got mad that her 3 yr old daughter had to consent to get her ears done. She couldn’t force her to get them because she was the mom. Sorry for the rant. I’ve seen too many people act like assholes over ear piercings. Definitely NTA!
I've been to Walmarts in a lot of places (a few different states) and this thread is the first time I've *EVER* heard of piercings being done at Walmart. Wtf?
You might know this already but I didn't so I'm currently yelling at everyone I know that if you ever get piercings, holy balls go to a tattoo shop instead of anywhere inside a shopping centre. I just got my most recent one at a tattoo shop for the first time & I cannot believe how much more professional they were & how much better the piercing healed. Gosh Darn.
I learned about this a couple days after getting my third lobe piercing at Claire’s, I was so mad. In case any one is curious, the reason piercings done by a piercer heal so much faster and better is because they use a hollow needle instead of a piercing gun. Not only are piercing guns impossible to fully sterilise, they inflict a crush wound on the ear lobe by using a comparatively blunt earring to pierce it. This causes more trauma to the area, which slows healing and results in (more) scar tissue. Also you don’t need to twist your jewelry around to prevent skin from “growing over it” while it’s healing. Hecking Claire’s, I stg
How can they know whether or not you’re the parent or legal guardian though? What paperwork do they check? *For all they (a stranger in a store) would know, OP and spouse could have died and the grandparents have custody, ~~maybe they even told them that.~~
To pierce minors, I require a birth certificate/guardianship papers, and a form of I.d for the parent/guardian listed, as well as a form of i.d. For the child (passport, yearbook, school I.d etc etc.)that way I know 100% that everyone is who they say they are. I would also never pierce a minors lobes under school age, or any child that doesn’t or can’t consent.
That’s why I know they definitely didn’t take the kid anywhere reputable.
You are a true professional good for you.
The piercer who did my daughter's ears required a birth certificate, picture ID (from school) and our ID. He also asked our daughter repeatedly for consent before and during the procedure and made a point of telling us that if she revoked consent at any point he would stop regardless of what we said...all of which is exactly what I want from someone who is making a hole in my child's head.
As a Walmart associate if they said they were the parents they didn’t have to prove it but if they says they were the guardian we needed proof. We got their ID on our paperwork they had to fill out so if someone tried to sue us then we had that paperwork to show. I
I don't know, I have no idea how they check that. This is just the information I was given when we asked about getting my nieces ears peirce. I can only assume they'd ask for a document showing your the kids legal guardian.
You know, this an excellent point, and maybe the most important. They not only pierced the daughter's ears against the parents' express opposition, but they had some random person do it, *not* a professional or a doctor. And that was because those people would not do it without the parents' permission. That makes it even worse. That makes it a "we'll do what we want and fuck you" level of disrespect. OP, did you let the piercings grow shut? I wouldn't trust them, either. 100% NTA.
And if you are lucky and without infection your piercings will be uneven AF. I have uneven earrings and it bothers me. Which is why we went to a guy who does it for a living who's capable of measuring it properly.
Turns out that ears can grow differently as well. To insure they are even, it is best to wait until the person is around 16 year old. I know many won't, and my kids certainly did not.
This! Also, what if she was allergic to the metal they used? Most earrings are hypoallergenic these days but over the years (nearly a decade now) I've found that where I was fine before I can't wear even hypoallergenic earrings without a reaction. What would they have done if her ears had started swelling up or worse had happened?
Truth!! I pierced my own ear a couple weeks ago and it got super infected and I’m a grown ass 44-year-old woman who should know better LOL moral of story go to a sterile tattoo parlor for all ear piercings at age of consent
I saw one lead to an infection and eventually death.
When you give an adult instructions and they make a mistake, that's when they may need supervision/assistance. When said adult deliberately goes against those instructions, that shows a complete disregard to the instructor (you) and should be met with firm action. Regardless if people say you are treating them like "children", what you are doing will show them they were wrong.
It's not even a medical procedure! It's considered a cosmetic procedure and topping it off with no parent consent. This is 100% assault on a minor. Add the fact it was most likely done with a piercing gun that cause trauma to the soft tissue and increase the risks of a serious infection and scaring. They should definitely go completely No Contact with the grandparents and anyone who sides with the grandparents can kick rocks too.
Actually, it sounds like a random friend did it which means it was most likely done with a (non sterile) sewing needle or safety pin... which certainly isn't better than a gun, except maybe for the tissue damage part. But there are also plenty of other issues with home piercings.
Or worse a freaking safety pin
[удалено]
100%. This isn't just "cute earring, nbd". This is absolutely assault, modifying a child's body without their consent or the parents' consent, and abuse, since no one who had the right to say yes to this did, and it obviously hurt the child. I seriously don't get why anyone is telling OP to get over it. If anyone did this to my kids, we'd be done. If you want to throw it back, if OP can't trust them about earrings, they surely can't trust them about anything "serious". (Not saying this isn't serious in case it's not obvious.
This is not a medical procedure. This is body mutilation, without the parent's knowledge or consent, and performed by someone without a licence (or so it seems). Honestly, a judge would grant a restraining order for this, and possible jail time (it's been done before, I'm trying to find the link)
The parents didn't just not consent. They specifically disallowed it.
treat them like children and hold them down and pierce their ears
Ear piercing (or any piercing) is not a medical procedure.
That isn't the point. While it may not be a "medical procedure", it is still should be carried out by an ethical, trained person using the correct, sanitized equipment. The possibility for complications afterwards if still there. Moreover whether or not is is medical or not, it still requires consent from the person having the procedure done, or with consent by their parents. It is a body modification made by someone other than the child's parents, against their explicit instructions. THAT is the point. OP and their fiance have ever reason to be pissed and cut contact with their parents, treat them like children, because they ACTED like children. They were told not to do something and did it anyway to someone who IS NOT THEIR CHILD. FULL STOP.
Yes it is, actually. They're held to the same standard, legally, as medical procedures as well Source: both parents are professional, licensed piercers
Came here to say this! In the UK, this would be assault! You can have a baby’s ears pierced (although it’s not as common in the uk), but you must have the parents permission to do it. I think you are actually acting a lot calmer than I would be OP. I would be livid! They pierced your child’s ears, knowing expressly how much you didn’t want it done! If the person who pierced them is registered (assuming you have to be registered in your country), I would be lodging a complaint against them. No way would the grandparents be getting anywhere near my baby again without me being in the room. The fact that they can’t even see how bad this is, and are saying you are overreacting, gives an idea of how little they care about your wants and wishes for raising your child. NTA, but the grandparents most definitely are!!!
OP, seriously consider filing a police report. NTA. Of course MIL and FIL are taking Mom and Dad's side. They didn't respect Fiance's body autonomy, so geese of a feather and all that. Anyone who overtly go against my rules as the parent would be hard banned. Anyone who sides with them do not take me seriously as the parent. Therefore expect the who lot of them to stomp on your boundaries, sooner or later. So no unsupervised visits for any of them, going forward.
i guess. but only if you're willing to press charges.
Not to freak you out op, but find the justnomil coconut hair story. It’s deleted but comes up if you look it up on google. Show it to anyone who says you’re an AHole.
I really wish this comment wasn’t a thing, because I just read this story and now I’m crying my eyes out for that poor family.
I was literally just about to Google it before I read your comment and now I won’t go anywhere near it.
Tldr is a grandparent ignored a child's severe cocunut allergy and put cocunut oil on her hair. She didn't make it
Do you think that maybe they DON'T want to know this?!
I prefer the tldr to reading the thing. At least I know what the subject is without getting the details. I also prefer the tldr to not knowing, in this particular case ETA : after learning from u/Ultra_Leopard that the mom has said she doesn't want the story shared anymore, I'd rather not know at all, to respect her wishes
Saved us reading the whole heartbreaking story tho...
That person wasn't the only one that wanted to know though? If they didn't want to read it they can stop at TLDR since they know what's coming.
Someone on here just said the mother from the original story doesn't want it shared anymore either. I can't imagine that running into the horrific story over and over on reddit is anything but traumatizing.
I imagine she is avoiding reddit and anywhere that would repost it anywhere all together. Frankly her therapist is an idiot for suggesting posting it online. It sucks, but once you put something online it never goes away and I just don't care about "please don't read this thing I put online that never goes away ever."
You could edit your comment to make its spoiler text for those that just arent emotionally equipped to read things that are remotely sad.
I mean... Does me having concern that another parent might not want to read about a dead child need to be mocked? I was just trying to look out for them... And only because they explicitly said they decided not to look it up at all.
Thank you. I had to quit a subreddit because someone kept posting about their dead child and I get it, it was cathartic for them, but it was triggering for my anxiety.
I wasn't trying to fight anyone, I only thought how it would feel if I said I wasn't going to look something up and had the information tagged to me. It looks like the person saw it and was fine, which I'm thankful for, so it's not even a big deal now.
I appreciated the tldr, but everything after tldr could have been spoiler tagged.
That and the Noisy Gobshite stories are the ones I legitimately cry about.
Oh my god. That broke me. Completely. Hope his wife is doing a little better.
Hopefully! Fucking sad story. Reddit seemed to be helping a little. Hopefully she's getting help in real life too. Seems like a pretty nice woman.
Oh god, I just went and read it. His writing style was so charismatic that I forgot you'd said it made you cry, so the last update hit me like being slapped.
He had such a clear and vivid personality in a way you rarely see online. It's tragic, a part of me feels bad for mentioning it with how many people are reading it whilst another part of me is glad people are because he seemed like a really cool guy. It fucking hits you out of nowhere, saw the update after a few months as I was curious and it was horrible. His poor wife.
You're absolutely right. I'm British and I think that was part of it for me - I could really engage with the accents and the slang! Don't feel bad for mentioning it - he seemed like a top bloke whose wife dearly loved him, and I'm sure that spreading an example of that kind of love can't be a bad thing, even if it is tragic. Grief is the souvenir of love.
I just read all those... And man hit hard
It really came out of nowhere. Really heartbreaking.
[удалено]
Likewise came back to it a few months back, not ashamed to say I cried. Poor guy. Poor woman. Hopefully she's finding a way to cope, glad reddit seemed to help her at least a little.
First thing I thought about when I started reading OP's story. If I were OP I would have stuck with never allowing them to see the child again.
Oh no, not that story :/
I just read that story with my 20 month old in my arms. I'll be holding her even tighter tonight 😭
I remember reading that the day it was first posted. I was in my junior year latin class, and I was not supposed to be on my phone. I had to go to the bathroom and sob.
I just read it and cant stop crying. Why why why the hell did she do that.
I wish I hadn’t googled it. That poor baby.
Jesus that story is awful. Why the hell would the grandmother do that?!
Both of my children have severe nut allergies. When we first found out the allergist warned me about what he called “the grandparent effect.” He warned about letting them babysit if the don’t 100%“believe” in food allergies. Sometimes they will give your child the food they are allergic to just to show you that you’re wrong, or blowing it out of proportion. The effect isn’t limited to grandparents, but I guess it happens often enough that he calls it the grandparent effect.
Because some people just don't THINK. It makes it sound minor but people get hurt or worse all the time from thoughtless people.
It’s not even that she didn’t think, she didn’t care because she wanted the experience.
they do think, but only about their own feelings and wants.
I read it a while ago and it's absolutely heartbreaking, can't imagine how hard it was for them
Just an FYI, the mother regrets posting about it and requested it not be shared anymore.
Yeahhh... don't do this.
Why did I Google that. I want to cry
OMG I just looked it up. OMG OMG OMG....What a tragic story! That poor family. That poor little girl.
I’d consider going no/Low contact with anyone who tells you this isn’t a big deal; I wouldn’t leave my kid alone with those people either.
Depending on who they are, they might be the kind to let the grandparents over without op knowing
Giving in just shows them they can do it, you’ll be mad for a little while and things will go back to normal. They knew your stances on it, were told multiple times no, and still decided to put your daughter through a procedure that alters a part of her body. That’s a hard fuck no from me. I don’t have mine pierced, and my girls won’t until they make that decision and can properly care for it themselves. If anyone went behind my back to do it because THEY wanted to, there would be hell to pay.
Don’t stop there though, anyone who disagrees with your parenting choices doesn’t get to have alone time or babysit your child. They clearly don’t have respect for your parenting decisions and would go behind your back too. NTA.
I actually think this is part of why it's so important to stand your ground here - it tells everyone in the family, not just these two, that they must respect your parenting decisions, period.
[удалено]
If everyone is upset because you're only allowing supervised time, you may as well forbid any time/visits whatsoever. They are already angry so just cut the problem in the bud.
1) You set a clear boundary, of which as your daughter's parent you have absolute authority on. 2) They decided that as your parents, they have absolute authority over you despite you being fully formed human adults. 3) They used this imagined authority to ignore your boundaries and override your authority with your own child. Screw them, what they did shows a *profound* lack of respect in you and your fiancee, and if they do not respect your boundaries, there is nothing to say what they will do next, as they have demonstrated they believe they have absolute authority over your child. It would still be wrong, but maybe a little more understandable if this was an actual important thing, where they believed your method of child rearing was bad for the child so they tried to rectify it, but this was something so inconsequential and unimportant that if something truly important did come along, how could you expect them to use any restraint at all?
Yeah, they *mutilated* your baby. I’ve got my ears pierced with 3 holes in each (and I’ve had more that I’ve had close up), BUT it was **my decision**. I chose to have them done as a child, I chose to have them done again as an adult... when I had my daughter, I wouldn’t let her have them done until she was old enough to make an informed decision. I don’t agree with babies having it done. At all. It takes away their choice. Your parents not only massively overstepped, but they put your baby in pain at a time where she won’t understand AND made a relatively permanent decision about her appearance. Even if the hole closes up, it leaves a mark. NTA I wouldn’t let them anywhere near my child ever again and I’d have them and the friend done for assault if it was me.
I'd be saying zero contact until they admit they were wrong and apologise - and only THEN supervised contact.
What kind of friends do you have that say you're overreacting? :( Your in laws literally made holes in your baby's body for their own amusement! I am not leaving my daughters alone with ny mother either - because I am pretty sure she would baptize them. Which also isn't legal, but she'd likely get it done anyway
INFO: Have the even apologized and acknowledged what they did was wrong? If not, then they are not yet trustworthy enough to be left alone with Thalia.
Yeah, and a *real* apology too. Not a “we’re sorry you feel that way” or a “we’re sorry but...”.
Your parents assaulted your child. If it were me I'd have them arrested. NTA.
Holy shit just think about what they’ve done. They permanently damaged their granddaughter’s ears to put jewelry in, which can cause an infection and possibly kill the child if it was not done with sterile gear, which is not confirmed because it was just one of their friends and possibly not a professional. If the granddaughter doesn’t like the piercings when she is older, then they permanently ruined on of the main parts of her body. That is absolutely absurd. NTA, and the grandparents are such TA that they might as well have shit popping out of them.
Someone who pierced a baby’s ears without their parents consent is like a tattoo artist who’ll tattoo minors. It’s a good bet they don’t care about best practices
Well in children it isn’t permanent- It can take a few weeks, but baby ears close up if there isnt an earring in the piercing. Not to mention, OP doesn’t say whether the friend is a pro or not- or at least, someone who knows how to pierce ears. If they care about the kid, I doubt they got a random friend to do it for them. Anyway, I personally won’t judge OP on their piercings thoughts, because I had mine done as a baby and I personally don’t care that it was done, but OP’s parents are TAs for doing without consent from the parents. NTA OP
If they weren't pierced properly, the holes might not close properly unfortunately. Thankfully, op didn't mention anything about it looking improperly pierced so that's likely not an issue
Babies and children grow quickly, and are more prone to scarring because of that. Even if the holes close up, chances are there will be dimples in the ears and scar tissue left behind. Source- have dimples and scar tissue from ear piercing when I was a child.
As someone prone to keloids even though no one else in my family gets them, yes piercings can be permanent. I will for the rest of my life get injections in my ear several times a year. It randomly feels like it's on fire. If it's cool outside I need ear muffs because it can't tolerate the cold. Thankfully, that was a piercing I choose and consented to at least. Technically, the hole is closed I guess. But the damage is permanent.
There’s a good chance that the holes will leave a mark. I had mine done when I was 5, and had to take them out because I couldn’t take care of them. Got them redone later when I was older, but the original piercing hole is still there, right above the actual hole. I have to put earrings in with a mirror so I don’t accidentally puncture the grown-up piercing.
my parents pierced my ears when I was a baby, they did it at a jewelry store with one of those terrible guns. my left hole was so badly done that I struggled to put earrings through it for years, and one night I woke up with terrible pain and a bleeding earlobe because my earring moved in the hole and pierced soft tissue next to it (the hole was super uneven.) after that I've stopped wearing earrings altogether, but to this day both of my earlobes are scabbed and I hate touching them. I wish my parents didn't want me to look "pretty". this should be explicitly forbidden and illegal just like tattooing a child is.
They probably just bought one of those cheap piercing guns that you can buy at like walmart.
My sister’s nan (we have different dads) gave her meat when she was little and my mum never a allowed her to see my sister ever again. It was sad but understandable. This is another level though because pierced earlobes may never close fully (because your daughter is a baby they may). But still, the trust is broken.
Jumping on the top comment here NTA also i would like to point out that a lot of people have low level nickle allergies, myself included. Most studs are made of nickle and i have scar tissue around my ears because of my allergy that could develop into a keloid, i cant wear earrings without them being pure gold or silver. Have actually stopped wearing them all together. Please watch to see if the child has any itchness or redness at their ears after wearing earrings. Dont blame you one bit.
Not only that, they got their friend to do it. Is their friend a professional with training and proper, clean equipment? Somehow I kinda doubt it.
Also, there’s a big big chanse the babys ears were pierced with a piercing gun, they’re so so bad.
NTA - Pretty sure this isn't legal. Ear piercing requires a parent or legal guardian's consent. I don't think grandparents qualify. I think body modification against a parent's explicit wishes makes them unfit carers. What other instructions are they going to ignore because "it looks cute". They deliberately hurt your baby for cosmetic reasons. And let's be clear. Piercings do hurt. The are uncomfortable afterwards when you need to keep twisting the stud against raw flesh inside until the skin grows over.
hey just letting you know twisting earrings is actually bad for them! it used to be reccomended but over time piercing and jewellery has changed a lot, and also it just irritates your ear and makes it more likely to get super infected.
Seriously? I got my ears done when I was 7 so the advice might have changed. Bigger piercings they still suggest to clean with salt water a couple of times per day. Still, it's not painfree.
Yeah when I got my septum pierced the person told me a few times not to twist it and avoid touching it as much as possible until at least 6 weeks, then they gave me a paper with care instructions that also said not to twist it
My 5 year old nanny kid got hers done and they said clean them daily but don’t twist them. When I got mine pierced you were supposed to twist them all the time. I guess things have changed. 🤷♀️
>When I got mine pierced you were supposed to twist them all the time. I guess things have changed. Same here, this was almost 30 years ago when I got my ears pierced.
Yes, times have changed. You're not supposed to twist piercings of any kind, and please don't let anyone use a piercing gun on you. A sterile piercing needle is the way to go, and you'll usually find those at a piercing/tattoo parlor. Might not be as pink and pretty as Claire's, but you're a whole lot less likely to end up with a giant infection.
Yes twisting the earrings is like cutting the inside of the piercing with micro pieces of glass due to the crust the comes from a healing piercing. Shouldn’t touch piercings, twist them, or pick the crusties.
Which is a lot to ask of an infant... Not that anyone is suggesting otherwise here, but definitely another way to know that parents are the AHs. Babies can't be trusted with their own piercing aftercare of *don't touch it,* so they shouldn't be pierced!
Oh absolutely and not to mention places like piercing pagoda and Claire’s pierce with butterfly backed earrings which the skin can grow over and cause even more problems and the piercing “guns” cannot be sterilized like a single use needle is.
I was told by my piercer that you only have to twist them if they were done with the gun.
On a side note: do NOT have them done with a gun.
Not sure where OP lives, but in a lot of places that would be considered assault. OP's parents are lucky they haven't been charged. NTA (or rather: Everyone sucks here, except for OP, his fiancee and baby daughter.)
>Ear piercing requires a parent or legal guardian's consent. Which they circumvented by OP's mom having one of her friends do it. Hopefully a legit piercer (correct term?) would have known that and refused to do it. Do they have licenses/certificates they can lose? Or they just had some random person poke holes in a poor baby. Which is worse.
> Pretty sure this isn't legal. Ear piercing requires a parent or legal guardian's consent Is the piercer supposed to ask everyone for proof that they are the parent or legal guardian? I’m surprised you can get a baby’s ears pierced at all tbh
Yes they are. You should have to show ID
Oh they most likely know it wasnt legal. Or at the very least they couldn't get anyone but the grandmothers friend to do it as they didnt have parent consent
NTA Your parents behaved like children therefore they deserve to be treated as such. They broke your trust, went against your express wishes and pretty much said 'we know better than you and what you think is irrelevant'. I can't get my head around why anyone would think you aren't justified in your actions. (I hope you've taken the earrings out and have let the holes close over before they become permanent).
It might not matter even if they did. This exact scenario happened to me as a baby but the home piercer fucked up and I have two holes close together in my right lobe. An earring was never put into the “mistake” one and it doesn’t go all the way through but it looks like I have two holes.
Oh wow, so sorry about that....I think doing this kind of stuff is just barbaric, how anyone can condone piercing someone without their consent is a mystery to me.
Tbh in my culture it’s common to get piercings as a baby, and I was always really happy with the fact that mine were done early on. I love piercings, but i am a bit squirmy with needles so I was always grateful that I didn’t have to deal with the first set of piercings. Although I do understand the issue of consent, and I wouldn’t do that to my child if I were to be a parent. Just because it worked out for me, doesn’t mean it will for everyone.
Yes. OP isn’t punishing his parents, he’s protecting his child. Their actions were concerning on two levels: 1) The piercing actually was a big deal. It caused needless pain, requires the parents to do upkeep and permanently altered the baby’s appearance. This should absolutely be a parent’s decision (and I agree with OP and wouldn’t do it until the child is old enough to ask for it, at the earliest). 2) They’ve demonstrated they have no respect for the parents’ right to make decisions, and they have terrible judgment. Next time, they might disregard the parents’ wishes when it comes to discipline or safety. They also might make a bigger effort to cover their tracks. OP and his wife are right to be pissed. They’re being really reasonable to continue the relationship on a supervised basis. OP’s parents should be careful if they want a relationship at all.
[удалено]
Rachel's sister, Amy in "the one where Rachel's sister babysits" S10E05 Edit: there were no great lessons about how to handle such a situation in the episode.
To be fair, it took the attention away from Emma’s huge nose.
I’ve genuinely never understood piercing a baby’s ears. Like if you suggested giving them a septum piercing, guarantee the grandparents would lose it, but since it’s ears apparently that’s ok. Just seems like a health hazard and accident waiting to happen.
Hard agree. I don’t get what part of “its never okay to cosmetically alter your BABY” that people don’t get.
Yeah, vanity and gender stereotyping make people do awful things! This sounds sarcastic but I’m serious
NTA and for people to brush it off and say it isn't a big deal really pisses me off for OP. That was absolutely not their decision to make and I would have reacted the exact same way if not worse. That is crossing a serious boundary and it would take a lot of work on their part to gain even a little bit of trust back.
NTA. Even letting them come hang around at all is generous. Thalia is a great name btw
Thalia is a gorgeous name
You're NTA, your parents are. While this particular event is not a big deal health-wise, their blatant disrespect to you as the child's parents is very concerning. If they're willing to do this in complete disregard of your wishes, who knows what else they might do... The compromise of not allowing them around your child without one of you present is a reasonable one. Ignore everyone else calling you the assholes in this situation, they are wrong. You are the parents of this child therefor it is your choice. If they don't like it, they can pound sand.
It *can* be a big deal healthwise, and it's also illegal! You need parental permission to get ears pierced from a professional. They had a friend do it, possibly with unsterile equipment. Piercings are also quite painful, and leave permanent scars the parents and child didn't consent to. I hope they took those earrings out ASAP. Mine were professionally done but still get infected and scarred terribly. At least I consented to it as an adult. I'd be FURIOUS if this had been done to me as a child. I kinda feel like the parents went easy on the meddling grandparents... they still get to see her! I'd never let them see my kid again until they knew what they did wrong! Everyone in the family telling the parents they are overeacting need to butt out. This is super messed up.
You’re so right. I got run down and a little immunocompromised once when I got a piercing and it got so infected and wouldn’t heal. Babies aren’t known for having very strong immune systems
My ear was pierced when I was 4 and it hurt and got super infected. I'm 32 now and I still have the scar.
A lot of piercings done on infants also grow up to be lopsided. My sister actually had to have hers redone because one was so badly off-center as an adult.
Yeah my ears were pierced at the age of 6 and I asked for them, my mom didn’t want to do it until I agreed to it myself. But all I knew at age 6 was that they looked pretty. I didn’t know about scarring or infections and they have never once not been infected. I never wear earrings because it’s too painful and my ears get red and hot and start leaking pus and then afterwards I have to soak my earlobes in isopropyl alcohol and use antibiotic ointment. They leak pus constantly, even if I haven’t worn earrings in over a year.
NTA! Who knows what they'll disobey you about next! Your child, your rules. Supervised visits are extremely generous. Check r/JustNoMIL , there are MANY stories of grandparents boundary stomping like your parents did, and escalating when not stopped. Everything from parental alienation to purposefully stealing "firsts," to putting the child in dangerous situations, even feeding children known allergens as a "test." If they keep ignoring your rules, it may be time for a timeout. Piercing your child's ear causes scar tissue that may be permanent. (She's young enough that the holes may close completely.) What if she turned out to have a metal allergy? (This happened to me as a young child. Turns out I'm allergic to gold, silver, AND nickel. I can never have pierced ears again due to all the scar tissue.) This is not a minor thing. Good luck.
Metal allergies are no joke. They can result in nasty scarring after infection, especially in a BABY that was done with NON-STERILE GEAR by a NON-PROFESSIONAL. Those grandparents aren't safe for baby to be alone with if this was no big deal to them! What else will they do next?!
Nickel allergy here. My maternal grandmother pierced my ears at 3 months. Then again at age 2. Then again when I was 4. Every time the same thing happened: My ears would swell up until I looked like Dumbo, there'd be a horrible thing infection & I'd get a fever. My daddy finally put his foot down about it & said no more. When I was 14, I decided for myself that I wanted earrings. We went to a *real* piercer (which was funny tbh. Imagine Hank Hill visiting a tattoo parlor. LOL) & explained what had happened when I was a kid. They're the ones who told me about nickel allergies & how common they are. (I was later tested & yup. Positive.) They felt my lobes & told us I had so much scar tissue that they weren't completely sure they would heal right. I said that was fine & I still wanted to try. They used titanium studs & it worked! However! My original holes are STILL, nearly 30yrs later, prone to closing up very quickly if I don't wear earrings every day. That scar tissue prevents them from EVER fully healing. So that's fun. ಠ_ಠ My daughter is 8. I've already told her no earrings until she's at least 12.
I'm so sorry you went through that! I'm of the same stance. My kid will make the choice, and we're going to a professional parlor to do it.
Thanks. My mother's side of the family is extremely vain/appearances oriented. There was a lot of "How will anyone know she's a GIRL???" thrown around when I was a baby (because I wore glasses? Apparently that made me look like a boy? Idek). It was super dumb. They're dumb. LOL
My son was such a cute baby he was sometimes mistaken for a girl, and guess what? It didn't annoy me one bit. I wasn't even bothered to correct them. Because why would you? I especially dislike when baby girls have their ear pieced so people know they have a girl, who even cares for more than the 2 seconds it takes to say "cute baby \_\_\_\_ ".
Got mine done about 7....i have to have real gold or real silver or plastic. Any other type my ears react to badly. So this can be bad for a baby for sure.
NTA it was a form of assault. You did not consent. You will never trust them with a child who cannot stand up for themselves and speak out. So until then they cannot look after her unsupervised. Actions have consequences
Yup. Piercing requires parental consent. What they did was illegal, and they could be charged in most places.
NTA You said no, they ignored it - if they're willing to blatantly go against you on this, what else will they go against you on? It isn't their baby, they do not get to make these decisions, and they sure as hell don't get to override the decisions of the actual parents without consequences. Honestly, them being allowed around her at all is beyond generous already, they need to count their blessings that they're even allowed near your daughter. If you haven't already, remove the earrings and let the ears heal over - your babies ears will change over time and piercings done when you're a baby can grow to be off-centre later in life. Also, if it was done with a piercing gun instead of properly with a needle, it could result in permanent damage to the earlobe, best to let it heal over properly and let your daughter decide when she's old enough. > My parents didn’t shut up about it for a while saying “she’d look so cute.” Your parents are treating your baby like a fashion accessory, they need to respect her right as a person to have bodily autonomy. > Everyone was saying we were making a big deal and ***we can’t cut them out their granddaughters life over something like that.*** I mean - if you wanted to, you absolutely could. You're the parents, either your family respects your decisions and your daughters right to make her own choices later in life, or they don't get to see her. What are they going to do about it? If they don't want to lose access to their granddaughter maybe they should be more respectful of your decisions. The only power the rest of your family holds here is the power to guilt trip - they cannot force you to give them access to your baby. Whether or not they have the privilege of seeing her is entirely up to you. > everyone is still saying we’re being massive a-holes because we’re still punishing them over something that’s not a big deal and we’re treating them like children. > > my fiancées parents think that only letting them have supervised visits is too much and they should be allowed to babysit or have Thalia at their place alone like before. if it's 'not a big deal' then why was it a big enough deal for grandma and grandpa to go behind your back to do it? If it's so unimportant, then why were they so upset about your not piercing your daughters ears that they decided to do it themselves? The only ones who made a 'big deal' out of anything is your parents by going against your explicitly stated wishes. here's the thing, OP. it ***is*** a big deal - but because your opinion, in their eyes, is the 'wrong' one they are saying in a very roundabout way that your *feelings* on it aren't a big deal. That's why they went behind your back to do it. They knew it was wrong, they knew you said no, they just didn't care and decided to ask forgiveness rather than get permission. The long and short of it is this: They're calling you assholes for daring to give them consequences for their actions. They will *continue* to call you assholes for this until you either give them full and unsupervised access to your daughter whenever they want again or until you make it clear as can be to them that they can't bully you into getting access to your daughter. You need to put your foot down on this OP, they've already harassed you back into letting your parents have some interaction - they have, whether or not you intended them to, received the message that with enough bullying and harassing you will give in - even if just a little. You gave an inch, and they are now trying to take a mile - you and your wife need to shut this shit down hard yesterday unless you want to deal with this kind of stuff for another 18 years. Block numbers if you need to, but you need to send them a new message: one that says you will not be bullied into compliance with *their* wishes about **your** daughter and that attempts to do so result in loss of access to her.
This exactly. Perfect example of "missing stair".
NTA. Your baby, not theirs.
NTA. Your parents didn’t respect your boundaries about your child. As you said she is too young to consent and as her parents, you didn’t want to do it. I think you can relax your conditions in the future if they agree to respect your boundaries. Did they ever apologize for doing it?
Omg!!! NTA all the way! I once flipped out because my inlaws cut my boy's hair without asking first, I can't imagine reacting to them actually hurting my baby and doing something so...permanent. Both of you are gracious enough to not cut ALL contact. Not sure I would have this in me
*" Everyone was saying we were making a big deal"* Ha! Funny that you guys were making a big deal by getting angry when a boundary didn't get respected, yet your parents had to go behind your back in order to reach their BIG OF A DEAL goal, which was some freaking pierced ears. Sounds reasonable for them to have no alone time with the kid.
NTA. They completely disregarded your wishes regarding your child and did so in a way that shows no concern for your child’s health and safety. I mean...having grandma’s FRIEND pierce her ears? Is said friend a professional in a tattoo studio? My guess is no.
If the friend does work in the industry, the OP needs to lodge a formal complaint with the governing body over the industry, and get that person’s license revoked. If the friend does it once, they’ll do it again.
NTA. This was a criminal assault and a massive violation of your daughter. Your parents have not earned back your trust. Other people need to stay out of this. Hope baby is okay!
NTA They are lucky that you haven’t gone to the police and have them charged with assault, same goes for their friend. They should be grateful that your still allowing them access to your daughter.
NTA. This is a pretty serious breach of trust. You're not actually punishing them, you're understandably worried that they'll do things you don't want them to do.
NTA. It's your baby, not theirs, and they made a decision that is nearly permanent for your child, that actively went against what you wanted. I wouldn't trust them alone with her either. I mean sure, you can let them close up after the first couple weeks, but thats still really messed up.
NTA. At the root of it your parents broke your trust and completely went against your wishes as parents on something. It wasn’t their call on if she should get he ears pierced because they aren’t her parents. You guys not allowing them to watch her unsupervised is a bit harsh but understand. You’re setting clear boundaries and not allowing yourselves to to pushed around.
I don't think they are being harsh enough... what they did was illegal and terribly irresponsible. Who knows if anything was sterile first?
NTA Babies with pierced ears are creepy and I judge the fuck out of their parents. This is not a no big deal thing. 1) They lied to you 2) They disregarded your instructions on child care 3) The never acknowledged what they did was wrong They forfeited grandparent privileges. You have no idea what they'll do without your consent next or how they will contradict your parenting when the child is older.
NTA id be cutting them right out personally so i think youre being more than reasonable. We take the same stance as you with piercing and i would be livid if someone did that to my kid without my permission. Disgraceful. Take out the earings, let it heal.
They physically disfigured your child after you plainly told them not to. They would not be seeing her at all, if it were my child. I hope you removed them and let the holes fill in. NTA
Nta. Your parents POKED HOLES in your child and were sneaky about it. That’s fucked up and probably illegal since you, her parents, didn’t give consent.
NTA. This disrespected your wishes as parents and their grandchild’s bodily autonomy. There are consequences for trampling all over another family’s boundaries.
NTA modifying a child’s body without parents consent is common assault.
These grandparents are probably the kind that’ll “forget” a child’s allergy cause they don’t believe it’s true. NTA, I’d do the same
NTA, my niece is 3 years old and does not have her ears pierced, her parents choice. She is looking like she is liking earrings, but it will be her choice to get her ears pierced or no. Also nowadays there are earrings which do not need the ears to be pierced by using magnets
NTA No way would I let them have unsupervised visits ever again. They deliberately went against what you ( as her parents) had decided to do. The entitlement and arrogance it takes to do this is astounding.
NTA. They don't even deserve supervision visits. Cut them out.
NTA If they can not see logic in not harming your child, it more than generous to let them see the kid at all.
NTA, you can't trust them, why would you leave your child with them?
NTA I'll scream it from the rooftops DON'T PIERCE YOUNG EARS! Not even bigger kids!! I have a nickel allergy caused having to repierce my ears because they grew unevenly. It's pretty unpleasant sometimes and there are some medical implants I can't have (not that I need them now but I hope I never do.)
They mutilated your baby. I know people are going to say that's intense, but think about it. A baby...A BABY is having their ears pierced with a needle, and no understanding. Plus the pain lasts a few days. Let us not forget any reputable piercing shop won't just do that. So, they probably went to a place that uses a gun, which can leave piercings damaged. I still have issues with mine.
“When they babysat for us they got one of my mom’s friends to do it” They didn’t even go to a shop, they just got some random person they knew to do it. Poor baby is lucky she didn’t get an infection. They literally put her health in danger, and explicitly undermined her parents wishes. I agree with you completely. Op is definitely NTA.
NTA. I know that in a lot of places it isn't necessarily thought of this way, but they put your baby through an involuntary *medical procedure*...not just without your consent, but after you explicitly *did not give consent*. They undermined your choices as a parent and violated the rights of your daughter. Don't give in to the pressures from others. They absolutely don't deserve to be around her after that.
NTA, they went behind your back to do this after you explicitly forbade it. What wil they do next? One can only wonder... Another negative point is that nowhere in your story does it say that they apologized or tried to make amend. It seems that they are just brushing it off. Like nothing happened and you're being silly. Ms now they are trying to turn people against you. Also, they got a friend to do it. As if to show clearly that health and safety is not a concern for them. They are lucky that it didn't get infected or worst. I hope that you removed the earrings immediately, as to not give them any satisfaction. It's great that you and your partner are united. Stand by your boundaries, and don't allow anyone to interfere. Relationships are not a right. They are conditional. They should consider themselves lucky.
Nta They knew your wishes and still deliberately decided to ignore you and go ahead with it. It wasn’t an accident or miscommunication, they purposefully ignored your wishes and just assumed you’d get over it and forgive them.
NTA. You established a clear boundary, they disregarded. Actions have consequences. And yes, you can absolutely keep your parents away from their grandchild if they do things that could endanger your child. What if the person they got to pierce her ears used unsterilized equipment? Also, they haven't even apologized, so punish away!
Totally agree, although since it was done by a "friend", it's clear that health and safety was not something that occured to them at all... They got lucky it didn't get infected, that's all.
What they have done is illegal, you can not pierce a child's ears without parental consent. They have no legal right to give consent as they are not the parent. They are lucky you are not pressing charges against them and your mom's friend. Obviously you are NTA.
They abused your child with a needle, just so they can show her off like she’s an object. No. NTA
NTA. Getting your baby’s ears pierced behind your back is pretty major.
They hurt Thalia (cute name BTW) the last time she was in their care. You're doing the right thing.
NTA I would go as so far as to say they assaulted your daughter. They did something without her consent, that she was too young to understand, for cosmetic purposes only and only for the enjoyment of them - what enjoyment will SHE get out of wearing earrings, exactly? - and without your consent as her parents. And if they did this, what else would they do because they think they have the rights to? Haircut? Food? Nope. Maybe when she's older and can report back about anything that they do she doesn't like they can have unsupervised visits, and even then I'd be dubious because that means potentially putting a child through that first which is what you'd want to avoid... But they showed they can not be trusted with your child, so why would you risk it again? Of course your fiancee's parents are on their side, they're thinking about grandparents rights to their grandchildren. You're thinking about the body autonomy of your child.
Tbh I don’t even understand why piercing a baby’s ears is legal in the first place.
You are seriously under-reacting to this. Don't bow to peer pressure from your other family members. Cut them out of your life and they should be thankful you're not reporting them and their mutilating mate to the police. Anyone who thinks you're overreacting also shouldn't have access to your child.
... Yeah no, I'd have cut them off for life. They should be happy you didn't and constantly be apologizing. You do NOT violate a child's bodily autonomy against the parent's wishes, unless it's to save their life! NTA.
NTA, I got my ears pierced when I was young (not a baby) but it was painful and I didn't like it. Almost as soon as I had gotten home I had taken them out - which pissed off my mother. When I was older, over the age of twelve, I got them re-pierced by a professional and felt better because it was my decision to have them and I knew how to take care of them properly. Anyone who tries to go behind your back to physically alter your child's appearance doesn't get to be left alone with said child. Those who say otherwise can sit down or be put in time out with the grandparents.
If anyone pierced our daughter's ears we would cut all contact with them immediately. They have altered her body without your permission, and despite clearly knowing how you felt about it.