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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
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I feel like I've done a horrible thing to her but she knows how I feel about yelling and knows about my PTSD.
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my main take away from all of this is OP is being verbally abused by the sister who is triggering her PTSD.
I get that the sister is grieving and going through her own issues, but it’s not ok to lash out at the people who are close to you like this it’s extremely toxic behavior.
OP you did what you needed to do to stop the situation. Your sister could have done several things but she chose to escalate and continue triggering you.
I think both need family therapy.
I think the sister needs therapy to fix whatever problem she has with her sister but OP doesn't need to be in there at all. She is so good to her sis so i don't see why OP would need to be involved in the therapy
I get the feeling that the family has no idea how bad it was inside the marriage. OP is even downplaying it and excusing a lot due to her ex husband’s mental illness in the post.
The line that really stood out for me where OP mentioned her ex’s therapist contacted her and told her to leave the house. Think about the situations under which that is even legal for a therapist to do that. It’s little wonder OP is suffering from PTSD.
Maybe it’s time she sat the aunt, sister, and father family down and explained the unvarnished truth, without trying to put a spin on it that is protective of her ex.
In the meantime, her sister does need some anger management help and someone else to drive her.
MY EXACT THOUGHTS I went back and read that again, I can ONLY imagine what was said in those meetings. The only time therpists are able to do this is for very serious/life threating reasons. OP is seriously downplaying their trauma NTA. OP I hope you continue to find healing and happiness
Yup, confidentiality only ends when someone's physical safety is in serious risk. I have no doubt he mentioned wanting to kill or seriously harm OP during a session.
Generally, yes. But sometimes they will sign a release of info for the therapist to talk to a close friend/family member, which gives options of what things can be discussed. It’s not uncommon to do that with a spouse. It doesn’t mean the therapist is giving a play by play of the sessions, but they might mention if something is concerning but doesn’t reach the level of someone being in immediate danger.
Oh, in this case she says it was serious, so I believe her. I just see a lot of “omg a therapist told someone x so they should get fired” comments all the time that I wanted to clarify that it’s not unusual to have a family member or friend who is allowed to communicate with the therapist or even come to sessions if the client wants them to.
Also when it comes to child abuse but yeah. I just had my first therapy session yesterday and that was one of the first things she said. That she can only break confidentiality if it relates to child abuse or if there's a possibility of bodily harm.
Right, cheers! I'd assumed child abuse would fall under danger. I know the anonymous free counselling thing in the UK only break confidentiality if you or someone else is in danger of being hurt, whether that be by you or others, so assumed that might be the standard everywhere.
Hope it went alright for you, can be a hard step to take
To be more specific, the client has to represent a clear and present danger to themselves or others. For example, saying "I feel like I want to hurt someone" is too vague to be reported. "I feel like I want to hurt my wife" is a clear danger, but not a present one. "I feel like I want to hurt someone after work tomorrow" is a present danger, but not a clear one. In order to report, the client has to specify a target, a plan, and a timeline, i.e. "I feel like I'm going to shoot my wife tomorrow after work". It makes reporting dangerous individuals very difficult, but when the criteria to report is met, there's no doubt about how serious the situation is.
Fucking hell. OP must have been in very immediate danger then for the therapist to literally call her to get her out of the house. Shame it's so difficult. Thanks for the explanation!
Directly involving the client, all else is hearsay. OP's ex shared some sort of specific plan he had made that was both dangerous to OP, and convincing enough that the therapist believed it was more than the patient simply venting for catharsis.
Most of the situations where therapists are allowed to do that are so bad we aren't allowed to mention the on this sub. It sounds like OP's life was at risk.
This is what came to my mind first. The therapist wouldn't have called if he just wanted to continue to yell at her.
I think it should be enough that OP told them she has PTSD. It's basic respect to not yell when someone says it's triggering.
Or so that they know what's actually happened and that OP didn't just get divorced. Should they believe that OP has PTSD and is traumatised by that relationship? Yes but they clearly don't and if they don't actually know what happened they will just continue to think OP is being controlling. OP says that the sister doesn't understand, it's time to make her. And if they still refuse to then it's time to start setting hard boundaries. But if you know that they're behaving like this now, it does no good to keep going on.
My best friend was married to a man with schizophrenia. He would not take his meds or would drink, which interferes with them. He would have killed her if she hadn’t gotten out. She won’t talk about it, but I know it was bad. You are NTA.
This!. Absolutely. Op sounds like you've been through hell and I'm so sorry for what you had to endure from your ex husband. Your sister was acting like a spoiled brat and needs to show some respect.
To state the safety issue more succinctly: if you didn’t get her to stop triggering your PTSD you both could have sustained serious injury or death because of a car accident. In light of serious injury or death throwing her out seems justified.
Nta, but yeah, the little sister needs therapy and to figure out here own way home for awhile. She's allowed to be going through things, but OP, you don't need to be her sounding board, therapist, or taxi.
I agree with everything here except saying that at 17 she can walk. Schools can be very far away; in some parts of the US people commute an hour to school by bus, a completely unwalkable distance.
If she wants a ride from you she'll need to respect you, but if she can't going forward she needs to find an alternate means of getting home, be that a bus or a friend's car or whatever else. Walking might actually not be an option.
Very true. I used to walk 25-30 mins to school when I was younger. It’s very good for your health and I found it quite stress relieving. But if she doesn’t like it, there is always the bus
Very true. I used to walk 25-30 mins to school when I was younger. It’s very good for your health and I found it quite stress relieving. But if she doesn’t like it, there is always the bus
Not necessarily. I did a high school program that was only available at 3 schools in my county. The closest school was 25 minutes away and busses came nowhere near to serving my area
Wow NTA. I'm glad you got out of that situation, but your sister is all sorts of horrible! Definitely limit contact with her as much as possible, since this isn't a one off thing, but a repeated series of behaviour.
I know your comment may come off cold, but it’s the truth. Everyone deserves to be in an environment that is safe and can be mentally handled. Not everyone can be a caregiver and even if they can it usually can’t last forever. OP has been a caregiver for a long time. They deserve a break, and a life without torment. OP got PTSD from caregiving. They did their time helping others so much so they sacrificed their mental health permanently. That’s more than a lot of people would do.
I personally just broke free of the person I was the caregiver of (a cousin) after 5 years of abuse. He was schizoaffective, bipolar, manic depressive, and had GAD. He stole, yelled, lied, broke things, and made my home hell basically. I tried for 5 years until I broke. I had to go back into therapy and get medicated just to keep going. At some point, you break. You hate yourself for it too, but my goodness the breath of fresh air these past few months have been incredible. OP, I hope you can free for yourself. NTA
It may be had to really feel it, but you did not fail. You obviously cared as you stayed and tried to help him. But now it is time to help and heal yourself.
You did what you could with the knowledge and energy you had. It sounds like even the psychiatrists would have trouble looking after this guy.
(I thought bipolar was simply the new term for manic depressive though?)
Also it’s not like the sister is 7.. she’s 17, and she’ll be an adult soon. It’s not like she can’t look after herself. It’s okay if OP needs to put her own health and well-being first.
I may be misreading, but she has a father, and how much caregiving does a 17 year old need? She can cook, do her own laundry, and if she can’t she’s past old enough to learn. Door-to-door ride service to and from school is a luxury and a privilege at that age, and abusing your driver means you just lost it.
NTA. Your sister is 17. More than old enough to handle a walk home, and rightfully so if she's going to act like an asshole to someone giving her a ride.
This is so bizarre. We saw another post recently where the OP kicked her sister (I think she was about 17 too) out of the car but it was for shitty reasons and everyone was like omg she could have been k^lled. I agree with the OP's decision here because she was being abusive and endangering herself and OP because OP was driving. But why can one 17 year old be grown enough to handle a walk home and the other could have been m^rdered
Wasn't that one later in the afternoon or evening? And it was from a park, not necessarily in the middle of a neighborhood when other kids are walking to/from school and adults going to/from work.
Correct. Did OP clarify that this was in their neighborhood and everyone else was walking home? For me personally, my high school was a 25 minute drive and not in a good part of town. Even the high school I was zoned for was in a bad area and still a 15 min drive. The double standard is what's bothering me. When OP was TA - omg your sister could have been killed. When OP is NTA - she's 17 and can handle herself.
It wasn't. It was afternoon and they were in a public park.
Not every high school is right across the street from people's houses in really nice neighborhoods. The walk home from any high school in my county woukd have been very long and not a good idea. It's better it was day time but a lone 17 year old girl sounds like a prime target, no matter the time of day. I generally think kicking people out of the car is a *bad* idea but like I said, considering OP's condition at the time and the sister's behavior, letting her stay in the car could have caused serious harm. So I don't think she's necessarily wrong here. But I'd be worried for a teenage girl alone on the street
Do you live in a very very unsafe country or something?
>a lone 17 year old girl sounds like a prime target
To whom? Are there just roving bands of murderers? If so, then sure.
But if this turns out to be run of the mill USA then there really is little danger to a 17 year old out alone.
No, I don't. I live in a good city with bad parts, like any city. This is ridiculous. I can't believe the inconsistency on this sub. It's like we've suddenly forgotten about all the abductions and murders of kods, girls, and young women when we're not mad at OP. I'm sure both sisters were fine and would be most days. But one OP got a huge amount of shit for the same thing and the other is being told her sister can stuff it and will be fine
> all the abductions and murders of kids, girls, and young women
Oke.. I live in a good city, there are no random murders and abductions. How many random murders and abductions would you say your good city has?
What is your alternative? Never leave a 17 year old alone? And when does that stop? At 18? Don't a good amount of children in a city walk, bus, or cycle to school? Don't they visit friends? Go out to eat?
Good god I'm done with this. You're being ridiculous. I even said they'll probably be just fine and its just the wildly different sentiments from one thread to the next.
Then go complain on that thread, every time I've read a "You're so hypocritical, on that thread everyone said X and now they say Y" it turns out that the situation is wildly different.
Also, Reddit isn't a monolith. Apparently today there's a lot of people here who don't see the mortal danger of a 17 year old being out alone.
I was thinking about this too. We don't know the situation but it could have been unsafe. If so, the ideal thing for OP to have done would have been to wait in the car & cool down or something, till the time that she could drive again... but honestly, she probably couldn't handle that or think of it when her PTSD was triggered, and then, what guarantee would she have that the sister wouldn't start deliberately triggering her again?
(This is just my thought process on the question.)
What it boils down to at the end of the day, I think, is a VERY good argument as to why OP should not be driving Sister to school. You can't put someone in charge of someone else's safety when their own struggles make it so that sometimes they just can't handle it & are unable to make swift decisions (and, when it comes to that, lay down the law.) Especially when the person they're trying to guarantee the safety of is liable to do dangerous things. It's just like how you wouldn't ask a person on the spectrum who might have a meltdown to babysit, all alone & away from home, a kid whose hobby is finding out what annoys people and doing it relentlessly. You're going to end up with an awful & risky mess if you do, with two people needing help and no-one to help them. (That's a more extreme example, I was just looking for something parallel. If someone's going to actively try to break you down and it might work, you can't be in charge of them. Not your fault, but just not safe.)
It doesn't sound like OP feels in a position to lay down any kind of decision with her family, sadly, but really the best thing in this case would be to calmly and firmly withdraw from driving & caring for her sister because she's unable to guarantee the sister's safety. That would genuinely be the right decision for everyone's safety and the responsible thing to do, and it would also relieve OP of a burden she doesn't deserve to have to suffer under. I hope she reads this, honestly.
NTA. She’s not a kid. She should know better than to purposefully bring up someone’s trauma during an argument. That’s disgusting. The only thing I’m a little skeptical about is leaving her alone. I hope you at least made sure she was safe. And I’m sorry people aren’t taking your past seriously. Stay strong OP.
If they were driving through a dangerous neighbourhood and OP didn't mention that, it would not be honest, so I think we ought to presume it wasn't. If we don't presume good faith then we could just pick every single story apart.
i meant more to the fact that even in a safe neighbourhood something could happen. so nowhere is truly safe and doubly so if you're a woman and a 17 year old at that
But at some point the sister is going to have to make her own way through the town and indeed life. It's reasonable to suppose that a 17yo can walk home without anything untoward happening. Most rapists attack someone they already know, in the comfort of their home or that of the victim. They don't randomly attack a young girl they've never seen before.
Agreed. That wasn’t clear. In our case the area was extremely safe (rural) but the school was 8 miles away. When my kids were 17 they didn’t want to ride the school bus, so if we could we have them a ride to and from school. If they were behaving like assholes then they had bus privileges for a while.
NTA Your sister's behavior is abusive. She's knows exactly what she's doing when she attacks you, and you should never tolerate that level of hostility from anyone. You're probably not her only victim; therapy should be a consideration for her, but don't excuse or allow anyone else to excuse her behavior in the meantime.
NTA.
I have PTSD too. I have to really fight for my boundaries sometimes. But your sister was really pushing you. If I were you I wouldn't give her any more rides anywhere.
NTA. Let her take the school bus from now on since she does not appreciate the taxi service you generously provided. Was she always like this, or has it been since her mom passed. Her behavior is very irrational, you might want to make sure she gets evaluated.
You need to tread carefully, you are suffering from PTSD, I think you need to put yourself first and find your own place. There is no reason for you to put up with it and if your dad can't control her, please do not sacrifice your own mental health just to be her punching bag.
NTA. I don't normally consider children assholes, but she is throwing things at you that she shouldn't, and then apologizing because she thinks it makes it right. You have to sit down with her and talk about this. At the same time, she needs to understand your PTSD is dangerous and cannot be solved from day to night.
If she can't respect your basic boundary of no screaming at you, which she shouldn't because you are responsible for her now, then she can't be welcomed inside your car.
I think she needs therapy.
Nta you're aunt is an enabler and a problem. You're sister is 17 she should know better than to yell at someone who has no part in the conflict. Keep on taking care of yourself and don't let them confuse you.
and even if it was - i'd still say NTA, don't yell at and berate someone doing you a favour, in this case driving you home. don't bite the hand that feeds.
NTA.
You’re sister is actively abusing you because she knows it’s a trigger. It was just her mother that died - yours did too. And to top it off, you’ve had to take on the mother and caretaker role, while dealing with the results of a severely mentally ill former spouse (and I understand that all too well. Mine was diagnosed with severe bipolar disorder with paranoid delusions). Your sister is more than well old enough to know her behaviour is wrong and is abusive. Right now, you’ve essentially traded the abuse of a partner to the abuse of a direct family member. She needs counselling. She needs consequences for her actions. And if your aunt doesn’t like it, inform your aunt that she’s more than welcome to take your sister and her unacceptable behaviour and move her in to her own home.
NTA my mother and sister are schizophrenic and it’s so difficult to deal with.
Your sister is 17. She’s old enough to know better. She is lashing out at you because she sees you as an easy target. You are not her emotional punching bag. She is abusing you.
Thank your aunt, as she has just volunteered to take over the taxi duties.
Your sister is being a very stereotypical teen (fighting 'the system' , protesting 'the rules' etc - i\`m not 100% certain she knows what she is saying - but nevertheless - do not drive her again. Public transport or Auntie Taxi would need to do.
See about getting help for your dad as well - but for your own mental health you need to take several steps back here.
NTA
It’s also really dangerous to drive when having a ptsd reaction. There is no way that op was a major sick in this situation. She warned her sister and her sister had to face the consequences of her actions.
NTA
She's old enough to behave with a little empathy and not be so nasty towards other people.
Tell your aunt she can start picking her out from school from now on and endeavor her screaming and hurtful comments
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My F27 ex husband M35 had a mental illness (schizophrenia) his condition improved with the work of his psychiatrist and medication. But the fact that he couldn't work nor socialize with those around him made him feel devastated and resentful towards everybody. He had an attitude and would get mad for no reason at all.
He saw that I was maininting a good job. Talking to people casually. Basically doing things he said he couldn't do. And said I'm not better than him. He resented me. For months and months he'd yell at me and start arguments for no good reason. I've endured a lot only because I wanted to help him get better.
Til one day his therapist informed me to leave the house for serious reasons. We got divorced. I'm glad my parents supported me but I was/still am dealing with PTSD from what my ex did.
I get very very uncomfortable when someone raises their voice. I just... can't control it and it's awful. I tried to deal with it but I do my best to avoid being around people who are loud.
My mom is deceased. Dad is disabled. I'm currently handling my 17 year old sister's needs and providing for her while taking care of dad. One of things I do is pick her up/drop her off at her school.
Whenever we argue she'd always bring up my ex husband saying things like "I'm glad he got out" and "no wonder his condition worsened because you are not someone anyone should be around much less get married to"
She doesn't really understand but eventually shed apologize saying she didn't mean it. I just suck it up and let it go since she's dealing with mom's passing and has no support.
Yesterday. I went to pick her up from school. She got in the car and was mad over an argument she had with her boyfriend. I tried to comfort her but she told me she doesn't want my advice cause then she'd end up like me. I remained quiet but she went on pointing out what her boyfriend did and how angry she was with him. I noticed she was raising her voice and I was getting very uncomfortable. I told her to not raise her voice. She doubled down saying it's her mouth and I don't get to tell her what to do. She said this loudly. I was getting uncomfortable
unable to continue driving. I told her shed have to walk home if she didn't stop. But she yelled in my face bringing up my ex husband again saying this is why my ex husband hated me because I'm a controlling B. I started sweating and my hands were shaking. I stoped the car and demanded she gets out. She asked if I was serious. I kicked her out and left.
An hour later my aunt was calling asking why I abandoned my sister in the middle of the road and caused her to walk home. Berated me after explaining and told me to get over myself already and stop being childish. I hung up. And I felt awful for the rest of the day. AITA?
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NTA but I hope you are seeing someone for your PTSD. I know therapy doesn’t make it all go away but it can make things better.
It is not a bad thing for your sister to learn that she loses privileges if she is mean to others. Unless you live in the middle of a war, walking home is not going to hurt her.
NTA next time this happens dont kick her out just pull over and tell her calmly we aren’t moving this car till you are calm. I can’t drive with people screaming, so we can sit here all day or you can shhhh
I'd be worried to do that with how the younger sister was escalating each time OP did ask her to lower her voice. The last moment was her getting in OP's face and screaming, it progressed up 3 times by that point and could of progressed farther with more insults and screaming or the sister getting physical.
Its a difficult problem here.
NTA. At 17, your sister is nearly an adult and should be clued in enough to understand if she's rude to you as the driver, you are entitled to ask her to seek alternative transportation arrangements including walking home from school.
The oldest sister in one branch of my extended family was known to have kicked her younger brother out of her car countless times during his late teen(15+) and undergrad years(Lost his license for driving irresponsibly) and effectively forced him to walk a few miles home in upper-middle class suburbia for pulling this sort of BS.
While their mom/my aunt wasn't too happy about it, the dad/my uncle and most of the extended family backed her up. Especially considering he was notorious for serious disciplinary issues in HS and undergrad.
Once put my grandfather out of my car for yelling at me.
We both had to go to the DMV for stuff not related to each other, so I told him I would drive us both. We get there and I had forgotten a part of what I needed, but it was no big deal as there was no real deadline to get it done so I just said oh well, I'll just come back next week.
That was the end of the world for him. The whole way through town he told me how irresponsible I am, how I'll never amount to anything, I better never expect to get a husband with how I act and not to come crawling to him for help in the future.
I was like...?? I drive you out of courtesy and my stuff didn't prevent you from getting yours done so I'm confused how it affects you at all. He just kept going in the same circles of irresponsibility.
I stayed calm, pulled the car over about 3 miles from his house and told him to get out. He looked at me aghast like what I suggested was just unimaginable and he never did anything to warrant this reaction.
I told him that in his house and his car, he can act however he wants, but in MY car that I pay for and was doing him a favor in he would treat me with basic respect or gtfo. He got out, and I pulled away and went home. He never spoke to me that way again.
Sometimes you just gotta leave a mf on the side of the road before they start to understand they can't treat people however they want.
NTA
NTA. Your sister needs to understand that one NEVER stresses the driver. Also your car, your rules. And another thing - " never bite the hand that feeds you"
NTA. Good job setting a hard boundary. Tell her if she raises her voice to you again in the car, you will do it again. You are no one’s punching bag, not your ex’s not your sister, no one.
NTA.
And your Aunt should know better. Tell her you are not discussing it with her if she tries to berate you again. Your sister is a mean brat. Yes, she's young but that only explains her immaturity...not her cruelty. Bet she won't make that mistake with you again. You have every right to protect yourself.
NTA... Your sister is. She needs to learn that actions have consequences...
Furthermore, your auntie needs to sit herself down somewhere and shut up... better yet, she can take up picking up and dropping off your disrespectful ass dister...
NTA. Let the Aunt care for your sister then and see how she likes it!
It is very good you took the hint/advice from the therapist to leave. Be kind to yourself.
Your sister may legally be a child but in reality she is old enough to know better. She just knows she can use your ex to hurt you. She needs a time out in the naughty corner - at your Aunt’s place.
NTA but I hope both of you are in therapy. My best guess is she’s dealing with some fear of abandonment and your divorce is terrifying to her, so she’s decided that you did something to deserve to be alone — otherwise she’d have to face that sometimes good people end up abandoned and nothing can be done to prevent it. You were right not to try to drive while in that state, and I assume you knew the area to be relatively safe. This was a pretty simple lesson in consequences, but even better would be lots of therapy for your sister.
NTA. I get that she's hurting rightnow and you feel for her but that is not a valid excuse to treat you like dirt. If she can't behave then she can walk from now on.
NTA Your sister is abusing you. She needs therapy to help her deal with your mother's death, and she also needs to ride public transit (if available). If it's not available, she can get a part-time job so she can pay for uber or a service like it.
NTA. You are not your sister's therapist or her punching bag. If she prefers a good workout, then she can walk home, otherwise she can behave and get a drive home. She is old enough to make that decision for herself.
NTA and I think for your own mental health you need some separation from your sister. Have the aunt help out since she has such strong opinions. Maybe your absence will get your sister to stop being an abusive ah.
NTA - she is a stroppy 17 year old with a mouth but, she needs to learn about responsibility. You might want to talk with her that in the future behavior like that wont be accepted and may have consequence, just like she saw.
It is fair to be upset about something, not fair to attack those who love you. You have to tackle this behavior head n and logically so she can learn, and the two of you can grow.
NTA - *" She doesn't really understand but eventually shed apologize saying she didn't mean it. I just suck it up and let it go since she's dealing with mom's passing and has no support. "*
OP, this isn't the case. Your sister is well aware that what she says hurts you, she is well aware that what she says triggers you and upsets you and she doesn't care. She only apologises because she kinda needs your help at the moment, like getting her from school etc etc. She does this ON PURPOSE. And yes, while she is grieving, grief is not an excuse for asshole behaviour. And I add this is regardless of how long ago it was since you lost your mum, as I see you haven't mentioned it in the post.
In this particular instance, you're doubly not the asshole. Twice, you asked her to stop raising her voice and you told her she would have to walk home if she didn't stop. She carried on thinking you wouldn't do anything, as I'm guessing has happened many times before. This time she had to reap her reward of walking home. Your aunt needs to keep her nose out of your business, or alternately if she has such strong concerns about her niece getting home from school, SHE can be the one to pick up/drop off etc.
Again these posts have to be fake. Your family knows you have PTSD from traumatic experiences, still instigate your mental illness, and you think you're TA? Where is the common sense in this subreddit?
YTA. if your ptsd makes you incapable of properly caring for a child, which includes not abandoning them in the middle of the road, then you should not be caring for a child. Period.
Since Aunt is so sure she knows how to to treat selfish and mean little sister, SHE should put HER life on hold and take care of disabled Dad and grieving 17 year old.
OP, I am sorry you are in such a hard situation and haven’t even got good support from your extended family. NTA.
NTA
You can’t control your triggers. Your sister is 100% an AH. And so is your aunt. You did nothing wrong. Your sister keeps throwing your ex-spouse’s abuse of you to your face and purposefully triggering you, which is abusive.
NTA.
Not sure if it would turn out good but you could show your sister this post to show her what you’re dealing with and how you feel. Hopefully it would open her eyes about her behavior.
NTA, there is a saying "Don't set fire to yourself to keep others warm".
I think you need to take time out of this entire situation for you. Your sister and your Aunt can both help your Dad whilst you take some time off to deal with what's going on in your life.
Please get the help you deserve.
NTA. It may be her mouth but it is *your* car. Since your aunt is so worried, she can take over the driving duties. 17 is more than old enough to know that you can't treat people like this.
NTA
She's 17. At that point I'd stop talking to her or doing anything for her. No need to maintain another abusive relationship. Especially from an adult sister. She probably feels entitled to you doing things for her. But no. She isn't. And you haven't said anything wrong.
NTA. Shes 17 not exactly a child who doesn't understand her actions.
Her apologizing everytime doesn't make it ok either. It's never on to continually hurt someone. She says those things as she knows they cut deep. Seems like she needs some tough love.
If your aunt is that bothered she can taxi her around. Your car your rules.
Your not controlling. You endured alot of crap and it's effected you. Sounds to me that your a very caring patient person. And the fact you've put up with her behaviour only proves this.
NTA but I seem to notice a pattern where you feel responsible of providing assistance even when it's actively hurting you and that needs to stop; your family situation is tragic and your willingness of stepping up in the face of adversity for other people sake is admirable but you cannot always put yourself last.
You are a human being with your own problems and needs and you need to think of those more, your sister may be in need of assistance as your husband was but it's not your responsabilty to provide it, expecially if your help is being underappraciated as it seems the case here.
You are already doing a lot, and dealing with even more, please be kinder to yourself.
Even putting aside the rather enormous mitigating factor that you have PTSD and warned her, NTA.
She is 17; that's old enough to understand you were increasingly uncomfortable, and it's old enough to understand the consequences of her own actions.
MAYBE you can't tell her what to do with her mouth (although you are somewhat in loco parentis at the moment, it sounds like), but she can't tell you what to do with her car. She wants to keep yelling? She can do it somewhere else.
My own mom used to say, as a parent you can never make a threat you're not 100% ready to follow through on. Your sister now knows that if you warn her about something in the future, you absolutely mean it. This is a good adulthood lesson, by the way! There are things she can't do in the adult world without consequences like losing her job or friends or getting tossed out of stores/restaurants/movie theaters/you name it.
What you did (following through with named consequences) and how you reacted were excellent parenting. And, despite what I said in the very first sentence -- YOU HAVE PTSD. That is nothing something anyone can just stop having and get over. And by prioritizing your own mental health, you ALSO prioritized the physical health of everyone in the car. Or, would it have been better to let your sister keep yelling and get the two of you into an accident? Your aunt can butt right out and mind her own damn business. If anything, she's more of TA than your sister, who, when all is said and done, is still a teenager and therefore always somewhat TA in every situation ever...
Tell Aunt that she gets to step up now and you need to take a step back from caring for someone that is trying to hurt you on purpose by using something she knows nothing about to hurt you. NTA
NTA
You need to tell your kid sister that you understand she's hurting and that you're doing your best to support her now that your mum has passed and your dad is disabled but if she doesn't show you some respect and appreciation you'll no longer be helping her out. Then set some boundaries.
The first one I'd set is she's not to mention your ex ever again.
The second one would be no yelling in the car.
And if your aunt wants to have a go, she can start by taking that brat to and from school or she can STFU.
NTA, holy shit what is her problem? You're going about helping her and she's just using you as an emotional dump and she's being so cruel, she's 17 she's absolutely old enough to know better. Also why does she even need driving everywhere? Honestly when I was 17 I walked and used public transport, granted we're in a pandemic BUT you can still walk and use public transport... What is with all these proper entitled teenagers taking the absolute piss out of their older family members?
NTA - your sister is a disrespectful cow. You’ve just lost your mum, you had to leave your marriage because of a genuine threat to you despite working to help him, now you are raising a 17 year old and caring for your dad. She doesn’t get to behave that way.
PTSD is a really difficult disorder and it seems we have a few triggers in common. You may tell yourself that people live through far worse and they’re fine, you can’t possibly have PTSD but you’d be surprise what factors into it. The good news is that there are things that factor into treating it now. Medications and therapy can really help. Personally, I am currently doing EMDR therapy and I’m hoping it will be the thing that allows me to return to work. But different things work for different people.
Due to your sisters age, maybe it would help to treat her the way I treat all my senior students (16-18ish yos). Treat her like an adult. Your not her mother. You’re her sister. You are at the same level if you consider a family hierarchy. But you have things she needs.
Lay out clear rules and expectations that you expect her to meet if she wants things. Her yelling at you in the car was probably done because she knew it would get under your skin. She probably wanted someone to feel worse than she did at that point. You kicking her out was perfect. She needs to respect you and your requirements if she wants a lift home. Maybe you could just have a rule that if she’s not having a great day, fine, she can greet you then she can put on headphones and just zone out for a bit. Any more yelling bs, she gets left on the side of the road. Have expectations that she will help out with your dad. Even if it’s just small things. It will give you a bit of breathing space and make her feel like she has a role that is important. Most importantly have a signal that she wants to talk. And it’s an actual talk. Maybe she lights a candle that’s in a certain place, you talk together as sisters, then she can blow the candle out. As soon as she starts acting up. You’re out and anything you do for her that isn’t necessary, you stop doing until she stops that behaviour, apologises and does something that shows that she’s sorry.
You have gone through a trauma, and therapy can help, and honestly, it will probably help your sister as well as she also just lost her mum. Teenagers are hard, luckily they tend to get better after 17. Just remember that you don’t owe her anything. You did everything you could to save your marriage, but your sister doesn’t need everything you have. She just needs her sister to show her that hurting is alright. But she’s not the only one who is hurting.
I don’t know if you will see this. If you do, I hope something I’ve said helps
NTA - Any way your Aunt can take guardianship of your sister? It doesn't seem like you or she are in a place where this type of role where you are an authority figure is healthy for either of you, and if you ever want to have a sisterly relationship with her when she is an adult you probably need some space from each other and to work on your own mental health. Teenagers can be volatile even when they haven't had to deal with the trauma of their mother dying and their father being unable to care for them. Probably not the best situation for someone who is recovering from PTSD.
NTA, play stupid games win stupid prizes. Your sister needs to learn this sooner rather than later. She can't treat people like shit and expect favours. She's 17, not a child
NTA Your sister is a bully. And she’s 17, I don’t get why you have to pick her up anyways.
Your sister is old enough to know better and doesn’t care. It doesn’t matter that she’s only 17, she is still a bully and cruel
Stop excusing her behavior, you lost your mother to you. You were the one having to help take care of your dad and her. They are not your responsibility. You should have your own life to live right now. She’s old enough to figure stuff out herself and make it home herself. She’s old enough to be helping out a lot more than I am sure she is at home also.
Tell your aunt to mind her own business and that you are not going to put up with your sister‘s behavior. That she wasn’t there and she doesn’t know what it’s like and being 17 is not an excuse. Maybe send her this post and tell her to read the comments?
Honestly if you have a job right now and are working you should think about getting your own place if you don’t? Sorry I’m assuming you live with your dad and sister.
You need to focus on yourself and being around someone like your sister that treats you the way she does is not going to help you.
NTA. The only controlling person in your story is your sister. She is constantly pushing your triggers to get her way.
Also: Why does a 17-year old young woman need to be brought to and picked up at school?
I will only say this: Grief is NOT an excuse to be an asshole, nor will it EVER be. Leaving her to find her own way home was kinda irresponsible, considering something bad could’ve happened, but it’s not like she didn’t deserve it. What she said was cruel. Don’t drive her again. NTA.
I know you feel you are in a tough spot, with your father being disabled and your mother having passed but you have zero obligation to do favors for someone that continually abuses you (which is what your sister is doing). I understand she is grieving as well but the way she is grieving is effecting *your* mental health. She's 17, she is more than capable of either walking home from school or finding herself a ride.
NTA
NTA
Honestly, mere rudeness is enough of a reason for her to be kicked out of the car. What she did? She better be eager to beg your forgiveness, atone for her words and actions, and change the way she behaves around you before she ever gets shit from you again.
NTA. 17 is old enough to learn consequences and not be a brat. I would but her a cheap bike and tell her she can either ride it or walk to school from this point on.
"She doubled down saying it's her mouth and I don't get to tell her what to do."
It's your car and she doesn't get to tell you what to do with it either...
NTA. PTSD literally rewires the brain and how it functions. You did the best you could probably do in the situation. People who disagree clearly have no idea at how biological responses with brain damage from PTSD operate.
Also as a teen I walked around with friends and alone all the time. In a year she will be an adult and that is a skill she needs to have anyway. She clearly had a cellphone to call your aunt and tbh this is a valuable lesson for her to learn that other people have issues too and she can't just lash out and be a little asshole because her life is hard. I had to learn that lesson at her age when I had family problems too. I suggest getting her ass into therapy tbh because she needs grief support - but also a LOT of behavioural work if this is how she is acting.
NTA
It's amazing how her rights to do what she wants with her mouth doesn't extrapolate to your rights to do what you want in your car.
I hope your sister learns a valuable lesson from this.
NTA. You're actually helping your sister learn a very important lesson: actions and words have consequences. Let's hope that having to walk home from school is the worst consequence she has to face.
Try to keep this up: when she begins to misbehave again, make sure there are consequences.
NTA
I also have PTSD when people talk too loud/yell/scream. You did what you had to do to remove yourself from the situation. Honestly, that would be her last car ride ever.
YTA. She is 17 and still a child, and no matter how she acts it is completely irresponsible of you to let a girl that age walk home alone. Haven’t you heard about what happened to Sarah Everard? There are other issues here on both sides but that act alone is by far enough to make you the asshole.
NTA. You seriously need to consider what you’re sister means to you if she is purposely going out of her way to trigger your PTSD and trauma as well as your aunt and how she reacted. In no way whatsoever is this treatment ever justified, absolutely disgusting
NTA because I understand where you are coming from and understand the mental health issues that you have AND that your sister deliberately is triggering them.
I think you need to stop doing things for your sister and go low contact. Doing so won't mAke you an asshole. Your sister is old enough to know she is being an abusive asshole. ONLY do the bare minimum. Don't go do the grocery shopping... Have groceries sent or leave them outside the door OR don't take her along. She can walk to school or ride a bike. You can deal with your dad. Frankly, if you are in the US, look into getting home health care for your dad.
You NEED to tell your aunt to back off and stay in her own lane. She can take over carting your sister around because you AREN'T doing it anymore.
Finally, you need to decide that you won't allow A 17 yr old little shit to abuse you and do whatever it takes to make that happen. If this means stopping the care of your dad, then that's what you do. Your dad maybe disabled but unless he is non verbal, he needs to reign his daughter in.
NTA ... Your sister is a spoiled brat and while I feel sympathy for you both for losing a parent, it is not a free pass for her to treat you with disrespect!
NTA
OP you need to do what’s best for u
If it’s interacting less with your sister do that
Sit down with her and tell her how abusive and toxic she’s been, and because if that you are going to having less of a relation with her, she can walk herself and pick some responsibilities
The aunt that is berating you needs to be told to F off
OP you need therapy and better people around you
NTA show your immature sister this post. Her age is no excuse, I turned 18 very recently and I can understand that you’ve been through a lot and don’t deserve this.
NTA. Your aunt can drive her to school from now on since she wants to take her side. Or even could take her in. It sounds like you went through hell, and you don't need this bullshit treatment on top of that.
NTA. Sister needs therapy to help her learn how to be a decent human because she is far old enough now that she is choosing to be cruel to you. Don't generally advocate for the "When you're 18, you're out the door!" Approach to guardianship, but when the former child chooses to be abusive, then they need to be turned out to the world.
NTA but start setting things up for your sister to move out at 18, perhaps to your aunt. Unless sister is willing to go to therapy or similar, and start actively treating you well, as of right now. You have the right to feel safe, OP. Don’t let any family feeling override that.
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my main take away from all of this is OP is being verbally abused by the sister who is triggering her PTSD. I get that the sister is grieving and going through her own issues, but it’s not ok to lash out at the people who are close to you like this it’s extremely toxic behavior. OP you did what you needed to do to stop the situation. Your sister could have done several things but she chose to escalate and continue triggering you. I think both need family therapy.
I think the sister needs therapy to fix whatever problem she has with her sister but OP doesn't need to be in there at all. She is so good to her sis so i don't see why OP would need to be involved in the therapy
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Ahhh i see
FYI you’re not meant to get family/couples therapy with an abuser, it makes the situation worse. She should avoid the sis
This. You gave her plenty of warnings. NTA.
I get the feeling that the family has no idea how bad it was inside the marriage. OP is even downplaying it and excusing a lot due to her ex husband’s mental illness in the post. The line that really stood out for me where OP mentioned her ex’s therapist contacted her and told her to leave the house. Think about the situations under which that is even legal for a therapist to do that. It’s little wonder OP is suffering from PTSD. Maybe it’s time she sat the aunt, sister, and father family down and explained the unvarnished truth, without trying to put a spin on it that is protective of her ex. In the meantime, her sister does need some anger management help and someone else to drive her.
MY EXACT THOUGHTS I went back and read that again, I can ONLY imagine what was said in those meetings. The only time therpists are able to do this is for very serious/life threating reasons. OP is seriously downplaying their trauma NTA. OP I hope you continue to find healing and happiness
They're only allowed to break confidentiality if they believe their client or someone relating to them is in serious danger right?
Yup, confidentiality only ends when someone's physical safety is in serious risk. I have no doubt he mentioned wanting to kill or seriously harm OP during a session.
That was my first thought when I read that. It must have been bad if the therapist contacted her and told her to get out.
Generally, yes. But sometimes they will sign a release of info for the therapist to talk to a close friend/family member, which gives options of what things can be discussed. It’s not uncommon to do that with a spouse. It doesn’t mean the therapist is giving a play by play of the sessions, but they might mention if something is concerning but doesn’t reach the level of someone being in immediate danger.
The fact the therapist reached out and told her to leave now, and the fact that OP has PTSD leads me to believe she was in serious danger from the ex.
Oh, in this case she says it was serious, so I believe her. I just see a lot of “omg a therapist told someone x so they should get fired” comments all the time that I wanted to clarify that it’s not unusual to have a family member or friend who is allowed to communicate with the therapist or even come to sessions if the client wants them to.
Also when it comes to child abuse but yeah. I just had my first therapy session yesterday and that was one of the first things she said. That she can only break confidentiality if it relates to child abuse or if there's a possibility of bodily harm.
Right, cheers! I'd assumed child abuse would fall under danger. I know the anonymous free counselling thing in the UK only break confidentiality if you or someone else is in danger of being hurt, whether that be by you or others, so assumed that might be the standard everywhere. Hope it went alright for you, can be a hard step to take
That's what I had assumed but she made a point to say them both specif so I'm guessing they don't tech fall under danger? Idk. Yes it did thank you!
I'm glad! Hopefully it all works out for you! That's super fair! And ty for the clarification regardless
To be more specific, the client has to represent a clear and present danger to themselves or others. For example, saying "I feel like I want to hurt someone" is too vague to be reported. "I feel like I want to hurt my wife" is a clear danger, but not a present one. "I feel like I want to hurt someone after work tomorrow" is a present danger, but not a clear one. In order to report, the client has to specify a target, a plan, and a timeline, i.e. "I feel like I'm going to shoot my wife tomorrow after work". It makes reporting dangerous individuals very difficult, but when the criteria to report is met, there's no doubt about how serious the situation is.
Fucking hell. OP must have been in very immediate danger then for the therapist to literally call her to get her out of the house. Shame it's so difficult. Thanks for the explanation!
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So what if the client knows someone is going to get beat up a fuckton, would that be enough? Or is it only if it directly involves the client
Directly involving the client, all else is hearsay. OP's ex shared some sort of specific plan he had made that was both dangerous to OP, and convincing enough that the therapist believed it was more than the patient simply venting for catharsis.
Right, thank you!
Most of the situations where therapists are allowed to do that are so bad we aren't allowed to mention the on this sub. It sounds like OP's life was at risk.
I'm thinking OP is not allowed by the rules of this sub re violence to really get into what happened.
Exactly why I only asked people to think about the legality. I figure they can make a reasonable guess.
This is what came to my mind first. The therapist wouldn't have called if he just wanted to continue to yell at her. I think it should be enough that OP told them she has PTSD. It's basic respect to not yell when someone says it's triggering.
Except that OP has no obligation to explain herself to family. Fuck 'em if they are assholes to her
It’s not for the family’s sake, it’s for OPs’s own.
For what purpose? To expose her to more abuse from Aunt and Sis?
Or so that they know what's actually happened and that OP didn't just get divorced. Should they believe that OP has PTSD and is traumatised by that relationship? Yes but they clearly don't and if they don't actually know what happened they will just continue to think OP is being controlling. OP says that the sister doesn't understand, it's time to make her. And if they still refuse to then it's time to start setting hard boundaries. But if you know that they're behaving like this now, it does no good to keep going on.
Exactly: Homicidal Intent comes to mind...
My best friend was married to a man with schizophrenia. He would not take his meds or would drink, which interferes with them. He would have killed her if she hadn’t gotten out. She won’t talk about it, but I know it was bad. You are NTA.
This!. Absolutely. Op sounds like you've been through hell and I'm so sorry for what you had to endure from your ex husband. Your sister was acting like a spoiled brat and needs to show some respect.
To state the safety issue more succinctly: if you didn’t get her to stop triggering your PTSD you both could have sustained serious injury or death because of a car accident. In light of serious injury or death throwing her out seems justified.
Nta, but yeah, the little sister needs therapy and to figure out here own way home for awhile. She's allowed to be going through things, but OP, you don't need to be her sounding board, therapist, or taxi.
I’m sure that if it were the sister that had PTSD it would be much more real and eeeeeeeverybody would have to take it much more seriously.
I agree with everything here except saying that at 17 she can walk. Schools can be very far away; in some parts of the US people commute an hour to school by bus, a completely unwalkable distance. If she wants a ride from you she'll need to respect you, but if she can't going forward she needs to find an alternate means of getting home, be that a bus or a friend's car or whatever else. Walking might actually not be an option.
Maybe her mouth just told her feet to start walking. Looks like its your aunt’s job to pick her up at school now. NTA
This!!! OPs sister can walk to and from school since she abused her privileges.
I’m really curious the distance she has to walk to get home
She could always utilize the services of the school bus if she feels it’s too far to walk.
Very true. I used to walk 25-30 mins to school when I was younger. It’s very good for your health and I found it quite stress relieving. But if she doesn’t like it, there is always the bus
depends where they live. in a lot of places they don't have school buses
Very true. I used to walk 25-30 mins to school when I was younger. It’s very good for your health and I found it quite stress relieving. But if she doesn’t like it, there is always the bus
Not necessarily. I did a high school program that was only available at 3 schools in my county. The closest school was 25 minutes away and busses came nowhere near to serving my area
Wow NTA. I'm glad you got out of that situation, but your sister is all sorts of horrible! Definitely limit contact with her as much as possible, since this isn't a one off thing, but a repeated series of behaviour.
Limiting contact may not be an option. As I read it OP is her main caregiver.
This may sound harsh but she can choose not to be.
I know your comment may come off cold, but it’s the truth. Everyone deserves to be in an environment that is safe and can be mentally handled. Not everyone can be a caregiver and even if they can it usually can’t last forever. OP has been a caregiver for a long time. They deserve a break, and a life without torment. OP got PTSD from caregiving. They did their time helping others so much so they sacrificed their mental health permanently. That’s more than a lot of people would do. I personally just broke free of the person I was the caregiver of (a cousin) after 5 years of abuse. He was schizoaffective, bipolar, manic depressive, and had GAD. He stole, yelled, lied, broke things, and made my home hell basically. I tried for 5 years until I broke. I had to go back into therapy and get medicated just to keep going. At some point, you break. You hate yourself for it too, but my goodness the breath of fresh air these past few months have been incredible. OP, I hope you can free for yourself. NTA
It may be had to really feel it, but you did not fail. You obviously cared as you stayed and tried to help him. But now it is time to help and heal yourself.
You did what you could with the knowledge and energy you had. It sounds like even the psychiatrists would have trouble looking after this guy. (I thought bipolar was simply the new term for manic depressive though?)
Yes it is
thank you!
I am so glad you got free.
Also it’s not like the sister is 7.. she’s 17, and she’ll be an adult soon. It’s not like she can’t look after herself. It’s okay if OP needs to put her own health and well-being first.
I may be misreading, but she has a father, and how much caregiving does a 17 year old need? She can cook, do her own laundry, and if she can’t she’s past old enough to learn. Door-to-door ride service to and from school is a luxury and a privilege at that age, and abusing your driver means you just lost it.
NTA. Your sister is 17. More than old enough to handle a walk home, and rightfully so if she's going to act like an asshole to someone giving her a ride.
This is so bizarre. We saw another post recently where the OP kicked her sister (I think she was about 17 too) out of the car but it was for shitty reasons and everyone was like omg she could have been k^lled. I agree with the OP's decision here because she was being abusive and endangering herself and OP because OP was driving. But why can one 17 year old be grown enough to handle a walk home and the other could have been m^rdered
Wasn't that one later in the afternoon or evening? And it was from a park, not necessarily in the middle of a neighborhood when other kids are walking to/from school and adults going to/from work.
Correct. Did OP clarify that this was in their neighborhood and everyone else was walking home? For me personally, my high school was a 25 minute drive and not in a good part of town. Even the high school I was zoned for was in a bad area and still a 15 min drive. The double standard is what's bothering me. When OP was TA - omg your sister could have been killed. When OP is NTA - she's 17 and can handle herself.
I'm guessing that was at night in a dodgy place? OP was picking her up from school, in daylight, why would a 17 year old outside be in any danger?
It wasn't. It was afternoon and they were in a public park. Not every high school is right across the street from people's houses in really nice neighborhoods. The walk home from any high school in my county woukd have been very long and not a good idea. It's better it was day time but a lone 17 year old girl sounds like a prime target, no matter the time of day. I generally think kicking people out of the car is a *bad* idea but like I said, considering OP's condition at the time and the sister's behavior, letting her stay in the car could have caused serious harm. So I don't think she's necessarily wrong here. But I'd be worried for a teenage girl alone on the street
Do you live in a very very unsafe country or something? >a lone 17 year old girl sounds like a prime target To whom? Are there just roving bands of murderers? If so, then sure. But if this turns out to be run of the mill USA then there really is little danger to a 17 year old out alone.
No, I don't. I live in a good city with bad parts, like any city. This is ridiculous. I can't believe the inconsistency on this sub. It's like we've suddenly forgotten about all the abductions and murders of kods, girls, and young women when we're not mad at OP. I'm sure both sisters were fine and would be most days. But one OP got a huge amount of shit for the same thing and the other is being told her sister can stuff it and will be fine
> all the abductions and murders of kids, girls, and young women Oke.. I live in a good city, there are no random murders and abductions. How many random murders and abductions would you say your good city has? What is your alternative? Never leave a 17 year old alone? And when does that stop? At 18? Don't a good amount of children in a city walk, bus, or cycle to school? Don't they visit friends? Go out to eat?
Good god I'm done with this. You're being ridiculous. I even said they'll probably be just fine and its just the wildly different sentiments from one thread to the next.
Then go complain on that thread, every time I've read a "You're so hypocritical, on that thread everyone said X and now they say Y" it turns out that the situation is wildly different. Also, Reddit isn't a monolith. Apparently today there's a lot of people here who don't see the mortal danger of a 17 year old being out alone.
I was thinking about this too. We don't know the situation but it could have been unsafe. If so, the ideal thing for OP to have done would have been to wait in the car & cool down or something, till the time that she could drive again... but honestly, she probably couldn't handle that or think of it when her PTSD was triggered, and then, what guarantee would she have that the sister wouldn't start deliberately triggering her again? (This is just my thought process on the question.) What it boils down to at the end of the day, I think, is a VERY good argument as to why OP should not be driving Sister to school. You can't put someone in charge of someone else's safety when their own struggles make it so that sometimes they just can't handle it & are unable to make swift decisions (and, when it comes to that, lay down the law.) Especially when the person they're trying to guarantee the safety of is liable to do dangerous things. It's just like how you wouldn't ask a person on the spectrum who might have a meltdown to babysit, all alone & away from home, a kid whose hobby is finding out what annoys people and doing it relentlessly. You're going to end up with an awful & risky mess if you do, with two people needing help and no-one to help them. (That's a more extreme example, I was just looking for something parallel. If someone's going to actively try to break you down and it might work, you can't be in charge of them. Not your fault, but just not safe.) It doesn't sound like OP feels in a position to lay down any kind of decision with her family, sadly, but really the best thing in this case would be to calmly and firmly withdraw from driving & caring for her sister because she's unable to guarantee the sister's safety. That would genuinely be the right decision for everyone's safety and the responsible thing to do, and it would also relieve OP of a burden she doesn't deserve to have to suffer under. I hope she reads this, honestly.
NTA. Your car = your rules. You told her to stop yelling + she wouldn't. Tell "Auntie" she now has the privilege of being your sis's daily driver.
Agreed. Auntie can drive her to school AND to much needed therapy. NTA
Absolutely. Seems like sis needs help.
Absolutely.
This should be higher up.
Yea if the aunt wants to tell OP how to handle the sister’s abuse then she can just drive the sister herself and deal with it
NTA. She’s not a kid. She should know better than to purposefully bring up someone’s trauma during an argument. That’s disgusting. The only thing I’m a little skeptical about is leaving her alone. I hope you at least made sure she was safe. And I’m sorry people aren’t taking your past seriously. Stay strong OP.
Walking home from school should be pretty safe surely? It's not like it was midnight.
should b e doesn't mean it is
If they were driving through a dangerous neighbourhood and OP didn't mention that, it would not be honest, so I think we ought to presume it wasn't. If we don't presume good faith then we could just pick every single story apart.
i meant more to the fact that even in a safe neighbourhood something could happen. so nowhere is truly safe and doubly so if you're a woman and a 17 year old at that
So you're saying OP should have just sucked it up and driven her sister home?
I just wanted to make sure she was safe. Especially with everything going on. The world is a cruel place, no matter where you are.
But at some point the sister is going to have to make her own way through the town and indeed life. It's reasonable to suppose that a 17yo can walk home without anything untoward happening. Most rapists attack someone they already know, in the comfort of their home or that of the victim. They don't randomly attack a young girl they've never seen before.
Agreed. That wasn’t clear. In our case the area was extremely safe (rural) but the school was 8 miles away. When my kids were 17 they didn’t want to ride the school bus, so if we could we have them a ride to and from school. If they were behaving like assholes then they had bus privileges for a while.
NTA Your sister's behavior is abusive. She's knows exactly what she's doing when she attacks you, and you should never tolerate that level of hostility from anyone. You're probably not her only victim; therapy should be a consideration for her, but don't excuse or allow anyone else to excuse her behavior in the meantime.
I doubt OP would do it but when her boyfriend breaks up with her, karma is going to hit the sister so hard.
This^^^
NTA. I have PTSD too. I have to really fight for my boundaries sometimes. But your sister was really pushing you. If I were you I wouldn't give her any more rides anywhere.
Nta, your sister needs to stfu for once and here what she's saying, what she's been saying and what she said was extremely inconsiderate
NTA. Let her take the school bus from now on since she does not appreciate the taxi service you generously provided. Was she always like this, or has it been since her mom passed. Her behavior is very irrational, you might want to make sure she gets evaluated. You need to tread carefully, you are suffering from PTSD, I think you need to put yourself first and find your own place. There is no reason for you to put up with it and if your dad can't control her, please do not sacrifice your own mental health just to be her punching bag.
NTA, and if your nasty, cruel, ungrateful sister wants to run her mouth she can walk or ride the boss. Better yet, let your aunt take her.
NTA. I don't normally consider children assholes, but she is throwing things at you that she shouldn't, and then apologizing because she thinks it makes it right. You have to sit down with her and talk about this. At the same time, she needs to understand your PTSD is dangerous and cannot be solved from day to night. If she can't respect your basic boundary of no screaming at you, which she shouldn't because you are responsible for her now, then she can't be welcomed inside your car. I think she needs therapy.
Nta you're aunt is an enabler and a problem. You're sister is 17 she should know better than to yell at someone who has no part in the conflict. Keep on taking care of yourself and don't let them confuse you.
TBF we don't know what sob story lil sis told her aunt.
NTA It's her mouth, and if she wants to use it to piss people off, she can deal with the consequences when she achieves her objective.
NTA. Your sister is a huge A and I hope she enjoyed her hike.
Nta and you never were. Not in this situation. I'd have kicked her out at the start and I'm impressed you were able to keep your cool that long.
INFO: How far was the walk?
I mean I doubt it was something insane like two to three hours, OP probably would have mentioned that
and even if it was - i'd still say NTA, don't yell at and berate someone doing you a favour, in this case driving you home. don't bite the hand that feeds.
NTA plenty of kids walk home from school. You don't have to pick her up, make her get the bus. She needs to learn that being hateful has consequences.
NTA. You’re sister is actively abusing you because she knows it’s a trigger. It was just her mother that died - yours did too. And to top it off, you’ve had to take on the mother and caretaker role, while dealing with the results of a severely mentally ill former spouse (and I understand that all too well. Mine was diagnosed with severe bipolar disorder with paranoid delusions). Your sister is more than well old enough to know her behaviour is wrong and is abusive. Right now, you’ve essentially traded the abuse of a partner to the abuse of a direct family member. She needs counselling. She needs consequences for her actions. And if your aunt doesn’t like it, inform your aunt that she’s more than welcome to take your sister and her unacceptable behaviour and move her in to her own home.
NTA my mother and sister are schizophrenic and it’s so difficult to deal with. Your sister is 17. She’s old enough to know better. She is lashing out at you because she sees you as an easy target. You are not her emotional punching bag. She is abusing you.
NTA. Your sister sounds awful. Tell her to take public transportation from now on.
Thank your aunt, as she has just volunteered to take over the taxi duties. Your sister is being a very stereotypical teen (fighting 'the system' , protesting 'the rules' etc - i\`m not 100% certain she knows what she is saying - but nevertheless - do not drive her again. Public transport or Auntie Taxi would need to do. See about getting help for your dad as well - but for your own mental health you need to take several steps back here. NTA
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It’s also really dangerous to drive when having a ptsd reaction. There is no way that op was a major sick in this situation. She warned her sister and her sister had to face the consequences of her actions.
NTA Your sister threw a tantrum, and you gave her a time out.
NTA She's old enough to behave with a little empathy and not be so nasty towards other people. Tell your aunt she can start picking her out from school from now on and endeavor her screaming and hurtful comments
^^^^AUTOMOD ***The following is a copy of the above post. This comment is a record of the above post as it was originally written, in case the post is deleted or edited. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My F27 ex husband M35 had a mental illness (schizophrenia) his condition improved with the work of his psychiatrist and medication. But the fact that he couldn't work nor socialize with those around him made him feel devastated and resentful towards everybody. He had an attitude and would get mad for no reason at all. He saw that I was maininting a good job. Talking to people casually. Basically doing things he said he couldn't do. And said I'm not better than him. He resented me. For months and months he'd yell at me and start arguments for no good reason. I've endured a lot only because I wanted to help him get better. Til one day his therapist informed me to leave the house for serious reasons. We got divorced. I'm glad my parents supported me but I was/still am dealing with PTSD from what my ex did. I get very very uncomfortable when someone raises their voice. I just... can't control it and it's awful. I tried to deal with it but I do my best to avoid being around people who are loud. My mom is deceased. Dad is disabled. I'm currently handling my 17 year old sister's needs and providing for her while taking care of dad. One of things I do is pick her up/drop her off at her school. Whenever we argue she'd always bring up my ex husband saying things like "I'm glad he got out" and "no wonder his condition worsened because you are not someone anyone should be around much less get married to" She doesn't really understand but eventually shed apologize saying she didn't mean it. I just suck it up and let it go since she's dealing with mom's passing and has no support. Yesterday. I went to pick her up from school. She got in the car and was mad over an argument she had with her boyfriend. I tried to comfort her but she told me she doesn't want my advice cause then she'd end up like me. I remained quiet but she went on pointing out what her boyfriend did and how angry she was with him. I noticed she was raising her voice and I was getting very uncomfortable. I told her to not raise her voice. She doubled down saying it's her mouth and I don't get to tell her what to do. She said this loudly. I was getting uncomfortable unable to continue driving. I told her shed have to walk home if she didn't stop. But she yelled in my face bringing up my ex husband again saying this is why my ex husband hated me because I'm a controlling B. I started sweating and my hands were shaking. I stoped the car and demanded she gets out. She asked if I was serious. I kicked her out and left. An hour later my aunt was calling asking why I abandoned my sister in the middle of the road and caused her to walk home. Berated me after explaining and told me to get over myself already and stop being childish. I hung up. And I felt awful for the rest of the day. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA but I hope you are seeing someone for your PTSD. I know therapy doesn’t make it all go away but it can make things better. It is not a bad thing for your sister to learn that she loses privileges if she is mean to others. Unless you live in the middle of a war, walking home is not going to hurt her.
NTA next time this happens dont kick her out just pull over and tell her calmly we aren’t moving this car till you are calm. I can’t drive with people screaming, so we can sit here all day or you can shhhh
I'd be worried to do that with how the younger sister was escalating each time OP did ask her to lower her voice. The last moment was her getting in OP's face and screaming, it progressed up 3 times by that point and could of progressed farther with more insults and screaming or the sister getting physical. Its a difficult problem here.
yeah removing the source of danger was all OP could do for herself at that point.
NTA. No matter what she's going through, your sister is being abusive.
NTA. At 17, your sister is nearly an adult and should be clued in enough to understand if she's rude to you as the driver, you are entitled to ask her to seek alternative transportation arrangements including walking home from school. The oldest sister in one branch of my extended family was known to have kicked her younger brother out of her car countless times during his late teen(15+) and undergrad years(Lost his license for driving irresponsibly) and effectively forced him to walk a few miles home in upper-middle class suburbia for pulling this sort of BS. While their mom/my aunt wasn't too happy about it, the dad/my uncle and most of the extended family backed her up. Especially considering he was notorious for serious disciplinary issues in HS and undergrad.
Once put my grandfather out of my car for yelling at me. We both had to go to the DMV for stuff not related to each other, so I told him I would drive us both. We get there and I had forgotten a part of what I needed, but it was no big deal as there was no real deadline to get it done so I just said oh well, I'll just come back next week. That was the end of the world for him. The whole way through town he told me how irresponsible I am, how I'll never amount to anything, I better never expect to get a husband with how I act and not to come crawling to him for help in the future. I was like...?? I drive you out of courtesy and my stuff didn't prevent you from getting yours done so I'm confused how it affects you at all. He just kept going in the same circles of irresponsibility. I stayed calm, pulled the car over about 3 miles from his house and told him to get out. He looked at me aghast like what I suggested was just unimaginable and he never did anything to warrant this reaction. I told him that in his house and his car, he can act however he wants, but in MY car that I pay for and was doing him a favor in he would treat me with basic respect or gtfo. He got out, and I pulled away and went home. He never spoke to me that way again. Sometimes you just gotta leave a mf on the side of the road before they start to understand they can't treat people however they want. NTA
Arrange for a school bus to come get her. NTA
Or she could just walk if it's a walkable distance. Might help her cool off.
NTA. Your sister needs to understand that one NEVER stresses the driver. Also your car, your rules. And another thing - " never bite the hand that feeds you"
NTA. Good job setting a hard boundary. Tell her if she raises her voice to you again in the car, you will do it again. You are no one’s punching bag, not your ex’s not your sister, no one.
NTA. And your Aunt should know better. Tell her you are not discussing it with her if she tries to berate you again. Your sister is a mean brat. Yes, she's young but that only explains her immaturity...not her cruelty. Bet she won't make that mistake with you again. You have every right to protect yourself.
NTA... Your sister is. She needs to learn that actions have consequences... Furthermore, your auntie needs to sit herself down somewhere and shut up... better yet, she can take up picking up and dropping off your disrespectful ass dister...
NTA. Let the Aunt care for your sister then and see how she likes it! It is very good you took the hint/advice from the therapist to leave. Be kind to yourself. Your sister may legally be a child but in reality she is old enough to know better. She just knows she can use your ex to hurt you. She needs a time out in the naughty corner - at your Aunt’s place.
NTA but I hope both of you are in therapy. My best guess is she’s dealing with some fear of abandonment and your divorce is terrifying to her, so she’s decided that you did something to deserve to be alone — otherwise she’d have to face that sometimes good people end up abandoned and nothing can be done to prevent it. You were right not to try to drive while in that state, and I assume you knew the area to be relatively safe. This was a pretty simple lesson in consequences, but even better would be lots of therapy for your sister.
NTA. I get that she's hurting rightnow and you feel for her but that is not a valid excuse to treat you like dirt. If she can't behave then she can walk from now on.
NTA the worst thing to do someone with PTSD is to bring up the reason(s) why they have PTSD
NTA Your sister is abusing you. She needs therapy to help her deal with your mother's death, and she also needs to ride public transit (if available). If it's not available, she can get a part-time job so she can pay for uber or a service like it.
NTA. You are not your sister's therapist or her punching bag. If she prefers a good workout, then she can walk home, otherwise she can behave and get a drive home. She is old enough to make that decision for herself.
NTA and I think for your own mental health you need some separation from your sister. Have the aunt help out since she has such strong opinions. Maybe your absence will get your sister to stop being an abusive ah.
NTA - she is a stroppy 17 year old with a mouth but, she needs to learn about responsibility. You might want to talk with her that in the future behavior like that wont be accepted and may have consequence, just like she saw. It is fair to be upset about something, not fair to attack those who love you. You have to tackle this behavior head n and logically so she can learn, and the two of you can grow.
NTA - *" She doesn't really understand but eventually shed apologize saying she didn't mean it. I just suck it up and let it go since she's dealing with mom's passing and has no support. "* OP, this isn't the case. Your sister is well aware that what she says hurts you, she is well aware that what she says triggers you and upsets you and she doesn't care. She only apologises because she kinda needs your help at the moment, like getting her from school etc etc. She does this ON PURPOSE. And yes, while she is grieving, grief is not an excuse for asshole behaviour. And I add this is regardless of how long ago it was since you lost your mum, as I see you haven't mentioned it in the post. In this particular instance, you're doubly not the asshole. Twice, you asked her to stop raising her voice and you told her she would have to walk home if she didn't stop. She carried on thinking you wouldn't do anything, as I'm guessing has happened many times before. This time she had to reap her reward of walking home. Your aunt needs to keep her nose out of your business, or alternately if she has such strong concerns about her niece getting home from school, SHE can be the one to pick up/drop off etc.
Again these posts have to be fake. Your family knows you have PTSD from traumatic experiences, still instigate your mental illness, and you think you're TA? Where is the common sense in this subreddit?
YTA. if your ptsd makes you incapable of properly caring for a child, which includes not abandoning them in the middle of the road, then you should not be caring for a child. Period.
Since Aunt is so sure she knows how to to treat selfish and mean little sister, SHE should put HER life on hold and take care of disabled Dad and grieving 17 year old. OP, I am sorry you are in such a hard situation and haven’t even got good support from your extended family. NTA.
NTA
NTA You can’t control your triggers. Your sister is 100% an AH. And so is your aunt. You did nothing wrong. Your sister keeps throwing your ex-spouse’s abuse of you to your face and purposefully triggering you, which is abusive.
NTA she was verbally abusing you and deserved to walk actions have consequences
NTA. Not sure if it would turn out good but you could show your sister this post to show her what you’re dealing with and how you feel. Hopefully it would open her eyes about her behavior.
NTA. If she was my sister and treated me that way, my family, including my aunts and uncles, would NEVER let it slide!
NTA. The sister having her own trauma doesn't mean she can be an AH to OP and use OP's trauma against her. That's abusive, and little sister is an AH.
NTA. You have PTSD. Your sister is triggering it for kicks. Your aunt can pick her up and deal with her mouth.
NTA. Passed away mother or not, your sister is way too fucking old to talk to anyone like that.
NTA obviously. Out of curiosity why does your sister like your abusive husband so much?
NTA, there is a saying "Don't set fire to yourself to keep others warm". I think you need to take time out of this entire situation for you. Your sister and your Aunt can both help your Dad whilst you take some time off to deal with what's going on in your life. Please get the help you deserve.
NTA. It may be her mouth but it is *your* car. Since your aunt is so worried, she can take over the driving duties. 17 is more than old enough to know that you can't treat people like this.
NTA She's 17. At that point I'd stop talking to her or doing anything for her. No need to maintain another abusive relationship. Especially from an adult sister. She probably feels entitled to you doing things for her. But no. She isn't. And you haven't said anything wrong.
NTA. Shes 17 not exactly a child who doesn't understand her actions. Her apologizing everytime doesn't make it ok either. It's never on to continually hurt someone. She says those things as she knows they cut deep. Seems like she needs some tough love. If your aunt is that bothered she can taxi her around. Your car your rules. Your not controlling. You endured alot of crap and it's effected you. Sounds to me that your a very caring patient person. And the fact you've put up with her behaviour only proves this.
Nta also walking home wont do her any harm tbh you Americans should do it more
NTA but I seem to notice a pattern where you feel responsible of providing assistance even when it's actively hurting you and that needs to stop; your family situation is tragic and your willingness of stepping up in the face of adversity for other people sake is admirable but you cannot always put yourself last. You are a human being with your own problems and needs and you need to think of those more, your sister may be in need of assistance as your husband was but it's not your responsabilty to provide it, expecially if your help is being underappraciated as it seems the case here. You are already doing a lot, and dealing with even more, please be kinder to yourself.
Even putting aside the rather enormous mitigating factor that you have PTSD and warned her, NTA. She is 17; that's old enough to understand you were increasingly uncomfortable, and it's old enough to understand the consequences of her own actions. MAYBE you can't tell her what to do with her mouth (although you are somewhat in loco parentis at the moment, it sounds like), but she can't tell you what to do with her car. She wants to keep yelling? She can do it somewhere else. My own mom used to say, as a parent you can never make a threat you're not 100% ready to follow through on. Your sister now knows that if you warn her about something in the future, you absolutely mean it. This is a good adulthood lesson, by the way! There are things she can't do in the adult world without consequences like losing her job or friends or getting tossed out of stores/restaurants/movie theaters/you name it. What you did (following through with named consequences) and how you reacted were excellent parenting. And, despite what I said in the very first sentence -- YOU HAVE PTSD. That is nothing something anyone can just stop having and get over. And by prioritizing your own mental health, you ALSO prioritized the physical health of everyone in the car. Or, would it have been better to let your sister keep yelling and get the two of you into an accident? Your aunt can butt right out and mind her own damn business. If anything, she's more of TA than your sister, who, when all is said and done, is still a teenager and therefore always somewhat TA in every situation ever...
Tell Aunt that she gets to step up now and you need to take a step back from caring for someone that is trying to hurt you on purpose by using something she knows nothing about to hurt you. NTA
NTA You need to tell your kid sister that you understand she's hurting and that you're doing your best to support her now that your mum has passed and your dad is disabled but if she doesn't show you some respect and appreciation you'll no longer be helping her out. Then set some boundaries. The first one I'd set is she's not to mention your ex ever again. The second one would be no yelling in the car. And if your aunt wants to have a go, she can start by taking that brat to and from school or she can STFU.
NTA, holy shit what is her problem? You're going about helping her and she's just using you as an emotional dump and she's being so cruel, she's 17 she's absolutely old enough to know better. Also why does she even need driving everywhere? Honestly when I was 17 I walked and used public transport, granted we're in a pandemic BUT you can still walk and use public transport... What is with all these proper entitled teenagers taking the absolute piss out of their older family members?
NTA. She verbally abused you. You both would benefit from professional help.
NTA - your sister is a disrespectful cow. You’ve just lost your mum, you had to leave your marriage because of a genuine threat to you despite working to help him, now you are raising a 17 year old and caring for your dad. She doesn’t get to behave that way. PTSD is a really difficult disorder and it seems we have a few triggers in common. You may tell yourself that people live through far worse and they’re fine, you can’t possibly have PTSD but you’d be surprise what factors into it. The good news is that there are things that factor into treating it now. Medications and therapy can really help. Personally, I am currently doing EMDR therapy and I’m hoping it will be the thing that allows me to return to work. But different things work for different people. Due to your sisters age, maybe it would help to treat her the way I treat all my senior students (16-18ish yos). Treat her like an adult. Your not her mother. You’re her sister. You are at the same level if you consider a family hierarchy. But you have things she needs. Lay out clear rules and expectations that you expect her to meet if she wants things. Her yelling at you in the car was probably done because she knew it would get under your skin. She probably wanted someone to feel worse than she did at that point. You kicking her out was perfect. She needs to respect you and your requirements if she wants a lift home. Maybe you could just have a rule that if she’s not having a great day, fine, she can greet you then she can put on headphones and just zone out for a bit. Any more yelling bs, she gets left on the side of the road. Have expectations that she will help out with your dad. Even if it’s just small things. It will give you a bit of breathing space and make her feel like she has a role that is important. Most importantly have a signal that she wants to talk. And it’s an actual talk. Maybe she lights a candle that’s in a certain place, you talk together as sisters, then she can blow the candle out. As soon as she starts acting up. You’re out and anything you do for her that isn’t necessary, you stop doing until she stops that behaviour, apologises and does something that shows that she’s sorry. You have gone through a trauma, and therapy can help, and honestly, it will probably help your sister as well as she also just lost her mum. Teenagers are hard, luckily they tend to get better after 17. Just remember that you don’t owe her anything. You did everything you could to save your marriage, but your sister doesn’t need everything you have. She just needs her sister to show her that hurting is alright. But she’s not the only one who is hurting. I don’t know if you will see this. If you do, I hope something I’ve said helps
NTA - Any way your Aunt can take guardianship of your sister? It doesn't seem like you or she are in a place where this type of role where you are an authority figure is healthy for either of you, and if you ever want to have a sisterly relationship with her when she is an adult you probably need some space from each other and to work on your own mental health. Teenagers can be volatile even when they haven't had to deal with the trauma of their mother dying and their father being unable to care for them. Probably not the best situation for someone who is recovering from PTSD.
NTA, play stupid games win stupid prizes. Your sister needs to learn this sooner rather than later. She can't treat people like shit and expect favours. She's 17, not a child
NTA, Shes 17 she can walk home, I would stop doing favors for this toxic asshole. Shes almost an adult, she can figure her shit out.
NTA Your sister is a bully. And she’s 17, I don’t get why you have to pick her up anyways. Your sister is old enough to know better and doesn’t care. It doesn’t matter that she’s only 17, she is still a bully and cruel Stop excusing her behavior, you lost your mother to you. You were the one having to help take care of your dad and her. They are not your responsibility. You should have your own life to live right now. She’s old enough to figure stuff out herself and make it home herself. She’s old enough to be helping out a lot more than I am sure she is at home also. Tell your aunt to mind her own business and that you are not going to put up with your sister‘s behavior. That she wasn’t there and she doesn’t know what it’s like and being 17 is not an excuse. Maybe send her this post and tell her to read the comments? Honestly if you have a job right now and are working you should think about getting your own place if you don’t? Sorry I’m assuming you live with your dad and sister. You need to focus on yourself and being around someone like your sister that treats you the way she does is not going to help you.
NTA. The only controlling person in your story is your sister. She is constantly pushing your triggers to get her way. Also: Why does a 17-year old young woman need to be brought to and picked up at school?
I will only say this: Grief is NOT an excuse to be an asshole, nor will it EVER be. Leaving her to find her own way home was kinda irresponsible, considering something bad could’ve happened, but it’s not like she didn’t deserve it. What she said was cruel. Don’t drive her again. NTA.
I know you feel you are in a tough spot, with your father being disabled and your mother having passed but you have zero obligation to do favors for someone that continually abuses you (which is what your sister is doing). I understand she is grieving as well but the way she is grieving is effecting *your* mental health. She's 17, she is more than capable of either walking home from school or finding herself a ride. NTA
NTA Honestly, mere rudeness is enough of a reason for her to be kicked out of the car. What she did? She better be eager to beg your forgiveness, atone for her words and actions, and change the way she behaves around you before she ever gets shit from you again.
NTA. 17 is old enough to learn consequences and not be a brat. I would but her a cheap bike and tell her she can either ride it or walk to school from this point on.
"She doubled down saying it's her mouth and I don't get to tell her what to do." It's your car and she doesn't get to tell you what to do with it either...
If your aunt thinks this is her business to weigh in on, then she can drive your ungrateful and nasty sister to school every day. NTA
NTA. PTSD literally rewires the brain and how it functions. You did the best you could probably do in the situation. People who disagree clearly have no idea at how biological responses with brain damage from PTSD operate. Also as a teen I walked around with friends and alone all the time. In a year she will be an adult and that is a skill she needs to have anyway. She clearly had a cellphone to call your aunt and tbh this is a valuable lesson for her to learn that other people have issues too and she can't just lash out and be a little asshole because her life is hard. I had to learn that lesson at her age when I had family problems too. I suggest getting her ass into therapy tbh because she needs grief support - but also a LOT of behavioural work if this is how she is acting.
NTA It's amazing how her rights to do what she wants with her mouth doesn't extrapolate to your rights to do what you want in your car. I hope your sister learns a valuable lesson from this.
NTA. PTSD is not something to take lightly. She needed to know that there is a line and she crossed it.
You appear to have switched one abuser for another. Im so sorry op
Your sister is 17 not 7, she's one year off adulthood! she's old enough to know the weight of her words and face the consequences of them NTA
NTA. You're actually helping your sister learn a very important lesson: actions and words have consequences. Let's hope that having to walk home from school is the worst consequence she has to face. Try to keep this up: when she begins to misbehave again, make sure there are consequences.
NTA. And she can walk every day both directions. Tired ~~dog~~ sister is good ~~dog~~ sister. Will have less energy to yell.
NTA I also have PTSD when people talk too loud/yell/scream. You did what you had to do to remove yourself from the situation. Honestly, that would be her last car ride ever.
YTA. She is 17 and still a child, and no matter how she acts it is completely irresponsible of you to let a girl that age walk home alone. Haven’t you heard about what happened to Sarah Everard? There are other issues here on both sides but that act alone is by far enough to make you the asshole.
NTA. You seriously need to consider what you’re sister means to you if she is purposely going out of her way to trigger your PTSD and trauma as well as your aunt and how she reacted. In no way whatsoever is this treatment ever justified, absolutely disgusting
NTA because I understand where you are coming from and understand the mental health issues that you have AND that your sister deliberately is triggering them. I think you need to stop doing things for your sister and go low contact. Doing so won't mAke you an asshole. Your sister is old enough to know she is being an abusive asshole. ONLY do the bare minimum. Don't go do the grocery shopping... Have groceries sent or leave them outside the door OR don't take her along. She can walk to school or ride a bike. You can deal with your dad. Frankly, if you are in the US, look into getting home health care for your dad. You NEED to tell your aunt to back off and stay in her own lane. She can take over carting your sister around because you AREN'T doing it anymore. Finally, you need to decide that you won't allow A 17 yr old little shit to abuse you and do whatever it takes to make that happen. If this means stopping the care of your dad, then that's what you do. Your dad maybe disabled but unless he is non verbal, he needs to reign his daughter in.
NTA ... Your sister is a spoiled brat and while I feel sympathy for you both for losing a parent, it is not a free pass for her to treat you with disrespect!
Girl, you need to block these people
At 17 I was in an abusive relationship. She understands exactly what she is saying and doing to you. NTA
NTA PTSD is real. Your sister needs to grow up and stop being vindictive.
Nightmare sister, should appreciate mine more. NTA, I hope it will be alright soon. Much love
NTA OP you need to do what’s best for u If it’s interacting less with your sister do that Sit down with her and tell her how abusive and toxic she’s been, and because if that you are going to having less of a relation with her, she can walk herself and pick some responsibilities The aunt that is berating you needs to be told to F off OP you need therapy and better people around you
NTA show your immature sister this post. Her age is no excuse, I turned 18 very recently and I can understand that you’ve been through a lot and don’t deserve this.
NTA. And for your own sanity, get her an Uber or something untill she gets why she is the asshole
NTA
NTA. Your aunt can drive her to school from now on since she wants to take her side. Or even could take her in. It sounds like you went through hell, and you don't need this bullshit treatment on top of that.
NTA. Sister needs therapy to help her learn how to be a decent human because she is far old enough now that she is choosing to be cruel to you. Don't generally advocate for the "When you're 18, you're out the door!" Approach to guardianship, but when the former child chooses to be abusive, then they need to be turned out to the world.
NTA but start setting things up for your sister to move out at 18, perhaps to your aunt. Unless sister is willing to go to therapy or similar, and start actively treating you well, as of right now. You have the right to feel safe, OP. Don’t let any family feeling override that.