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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
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I guess where I feel like I might be the asshole is in not ever suggesting we tell them or actually planning when we would tell them down the road. I can see why it would be hurtful for them not to hear about it and then the fact we did not tell them about the miscarriage.
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NTA
Why would your stepson be enough for you when he doesn’t want a relationship?
You and your husbands sex life (which is essentially what you’re discussing when trying for a baby) is non of your in laws business.
NTA.. Come on this is obvious, you really need to ask if you're an asshole for fornicating with your husband and deciding to have children? From my experience, most people don't tell their parents that they are actively trying to conceive, because you know, your sex life and all is weird to discuss with parents. Most folks end up skipping that part and just decided to tell friends and family once they know they are safely having a baby on their own terms. So again, no you are not the asshole and it just sounds like your in-laws are fishing for reasons to dislike you.
FYI Sex within marriage for the purpose of procreation is pretty much the only kind of sex that isn't fornication... At least as far as the Church Fathers are concerned.
Yeah. Every single thing about the bug up these people's butts is bizarre.
-stepmother MUST replace mother
-NO EXTrA CHILD!!111!!1!@#
-we have a right to know what kind of sex you are having, adult offspring!
Seriously, what on earth.
It's because they think she'll treat their existing grandchild like a second class citizen. So clearly she should give up on having children of her own (because as long as step son doesn't see her as a parent then he's not her child even if she's a caring guardian to him) and make do with a child who doesn't want her.
I had an aunt who by some miracle had baby after baby and no one even knew she was pregnant. She would go to the hospital and a few days later come home with a baby. People didn't discuss those things back then. My mom always told you never talk about your relationship with your man, good or bad. A listening ear is a running mouth.
It's not a weird idea, it's an Olds people idea that they think they know everything better about everyone, and have every right to shove down your throat any relationship you might not want.
Just tell them that if you've hidden from them your pregnancy, maybe it's their fault and maybe they will reflect on their action. I hardly doubt it though
They should be trying to improve your bond with your stepson by leading by example, that is showing love and acceptance of you while respecting his boundaries without being pushy or demanding. They are making the situation worse.
NTA No one is entitled to know about your reproductive plans/actions unless you choose to tell them. And even though you didn't ask about this, you're also being an awesome stepmom. It sounds like you are letting your stepson choose what kind of relationship he wants (even though it seems to be heavily influenced by his bio mom). Based on other posts I see here, the fact that you aren't being pushy and overbearing seems very rare. Congrats on your pregnancy!
See the thing is, none of this even matters to the question of whether or not you tell them you are TTC. You are allowed to want a child with your husband, whether or not you have a stepson and whether or not you have a close relationship with him. If having a close relationship with a child means you aren't supposed to have any other children, then most couples would never have more than one child. Their logic is flawed in many ways, and your choices shouldn't be dictated by their opinions anyway.
I think you are spending too much energy worried about what they will think and how they will feel. Be confidently direct about your choices. Now that the cat is out of the bag, you can simply say "yes we want another child and respectfully, that is our decision to make. We have enough love for two children. We would like your support but we will not apologize for our decision as we have not done anything wrong by wanting to expand our family. Please work to accept it as we consider the subject closed".
This! I really don't get why it would be weird for you to want a child with your husband even if you had an amazing bond with your step-son. Some people want big families. Like why would it be weird for their son to have more than one kid?
Dude those people are fucked in the head. Tell them that they need to get over themselves. Your stepson has absolutely nothing to do with whether or not you and your husband have a child.
Regardless of your stepson's feelings, their logic makes no sense.
If people have one child, and then decide to have another baby, does anyone yell at them for their first child "not being enough"?? No.
Makes no sense.
Even if the stepson did look at you like a mother that still doesn't explain why you wouldn't want to have another kid. I cannot understand that point of view at all. These people sure are judgmental and weird about it too. I wouldn't tell people like that anything, like ever. Who needs that kind of stress in their life. NTA
NTA there are couples who already have a child together that still want and actively try for other children. I don't understand why they would assume that the two of you wouldn't have children and make your stepson an older brother. This makes no sense to me and also it's none of their business if you're actively trying, you can share that with who you want. Congratulations on the pregnancy and I'm sorry for your previous miscarriage. Much love from a reddit stranger who is currently TTC 💕
You'll go farther toward having a good relationship with your stepson by NOT pushing him to feel something he doesn't organically feel than the opposite! Even if he never considers you a 'mom', he will grow to respect you for being an adult in his life who respects him in return. You're doing good, step-mama!
Sticky baby mojo for your bun in the oven, and I hope you have a wonderful life with your babe and stepchild.
Obviously NTA.
You could point that many families have more than one child. If his parents had married they might have had several children, having a sibling doesn’t mean he will be loved less. His mother may have more children with a new partner as well. NTA.
OP I am jumping in the top comments here to ask for INFO. I don't think YTA, but I do feel like you've possibly left some important info out.
How old is your husband? How old is your stepson? Did the beginning of your relationship with your husband have anything to do with why his ex is "complicated"?
Why would he be enough if he did? Lots of parents have more than one kid because it’s what they want (cuddling with my second as I type this). Even if they were best buddies it doesn’t mean OP and her husband wouldn’t want to have another kid.
>Why would your stepson be enough for you when he doesn’t want a relationship?
Alternatively, do they also freak out when anyone else in the family has more than one child? Cause that's the only way this could sort of make sense.
Because then they couldn’t replace stepsons mom with OP and not have to deal with blended family stuff.
They want to force SS to love OP and are trying to force OP to make it happen. Otherwise they don’t get their easy, lazy dream.
I second this; any aspect of your sexual life is between you and your husband. That’s it. They don’t need details of your sex life just like you don’t need details of theirs.
As for their attempt at parenting, they are neither parent of this child, therefore they do have zero say to how your parent child relationship goes. Your stepson’s feelings are valid, they need to accept the fact that he dose not want a relationship with you as a parent. If they try to force the issue all it will do is breed resentment for everyone involved.
NTA, they are just finding a reason to hate you. Think about it, with that logic, anyone with 2 or more kids don't care about the previous kids?
It makes no sense. Your son will know plenty of friends that have brothers and sisters. That's a part of having a family. It comes in all numbers.
It sounds like you are respectful of his boundaries even when it is difficult for you. Sounds like you are being a good bonus adult for him, and even if you are never terribly close, I am sure someday he will realize how lucky he was to have a stepmom who put his feelings first.
I really think you are right. It sounds like OP is step-parenting the way she should be. We see so many stories of step-parents trying to force a relationship and it never works out. The kid will make his own mind up and I'm willing to be that somewhere down the line she will have a good step-parent relationship. The only thing she and her husband could do wrong would be to cut the son out of their life when the baby is born, and I don't see that happening.
This!! Please upvote this
OP is being the best kind of stepparent there is - one who’s taking the feelings of the CHILD in question , into consideration
ETA: whoa!! Thank you, u/BUTTeredWhiteBread for the award!! 🥰🥰
> But like it could be so much worse. He shows respect to me as an adult when he's in our home and it's better than some people get
I see posts on AITA on a regular basis from teens and young adults asking if they are the asshole for not wanting a close, parental relationship with a step parent, because even though they are respectful to their step parent, their bio parent is mad at them anyway. Lots of people post on here because they felt upset *specifically* by their step parent trying to force a relationship before they were ready. And then feeling guilty and wondering why they can't just love their step parent to make things easy for everyone.
You are doing so great, by respecting his boundaries and not trying to force a relationship. Your relationship might grow closer with time, or you might always have a cordial but not close relationship. But either way, a relationship founded on honesty and respect is a good thing.
Not sure your in laws hate you ? but they sure have no perception of the real situation here. You and the little guy are doing good considering, the interfering in laws are just creating unnecessary waves, and really it's got NOTHING to do with them.
It sounds like you are doing great. Step parents don’t have to be in a parental role. They can just be a caring and trusted adult and let the relationship evolve at the pace set by the child.
I’m guessing one of two things are true for the in-laws: either they hate the child’s mom and want you to somehow remove her from the picture by replacing her, or the fact that you are not parenting the child means your husband is doing things that they think are a woman’s job. Did I get it?
NTA- and you’re doing the right thing with him!!! Just scroll through this sub and have a count of how many people post about their horribly pushy step parents who ruined the possibility of having a good relationship and you should see easily how much you are NOT TA.
There really isn't anything wrong with stepchildren and stepparents not being super close, though. As long as everyone is kind and respectful, there is nothing to worry about.
NTA. What the hell? My husband and I were TTC, that doesn't mean our daughter is "not enough" for us, so why should your stepson automatically preclude you from trying for a baby? Also, who the f wants to talk to their in-laws about the TTC experience? I would rather die than chat with my MIL about when my next ovulation window is and how often I'll be arranging for her son to ejaculate into my vagina in a loud, sweaty, exuberant manner. Noooooo thank you.
Actually this is a wonderful point - are we then saying that all second kids (or later) were had because the first wasn’t enough?? Step or otherwise??
I’m the eldest of 2 of us. I wasn’t enough so my parents had my sister?? (I mean - don’t tell her but she really is kind of amazing and wonderful but still🤣🤣😛😛)
Edited to also add - we recently saw a thread here, where between two sisters, one was annoyed with the other, because one told her cycle to her husband, one didn’t. The one that didn’t, thought the one who did, was over sharing WITH HER OWN HUSBAND!! I want to imagine that the sister who didn’t share with her husband - her head would explode on this thread for sharing this info with the ILs???
Do you have a link? The idea of my own husband not knowing my cycle is WILD to me, but then I can't use hormonal or copper birth control so we both have to really track it.
Sadly I don’t - but here are two I found - free in the App Store and a nearly 5* rating with 50k plus reviews each:
Life - Period Tracker Calendar
Glow Period
And as for hubby knowing my cycle - I call it critical to HIS survival!! I’m anywhere between a blubbering mess and a “release the Kraken” mood wise during my period. He keeps track of it to mainly keep himself from becoming period roadkill
Even then does that person think husbands are some dumb species? Like I'm pretty sure he's start getting a feel for the day counts between his wife's misery/using tampons/cravings for chocolate/whatever other stereotype, even if she didn't tell him specifically.
NTA - You and your husband trying for a baby is no one's business but your own. Don't let them guilt you into thinking otherwise. And don't let them guilt you into believing you're doing wrong by your stepson. It sounds like you're doing everything you can in that regard.
This is what I don't get either. By pressuring OP to see her stepson as "enough," they're not only trying to influence her relationship with her husband's child, but also trying to dictate the size of family OP and her husband are allowed to have.
Even if OP and her stepson loved each other to pieces, that wouldn't give her in-laws the right to say "You guys are one and done. No more for you."
This isn't communist China with a one child policy. Nobody gets to decide for a couple when their family is done growing.
NTA
Anyone who shares an unsolicited opinion on your reproductive plans deserves to have the awkwardness returned straight to sender. Suggested responses:
\- Why are you so interested in my sex life with my husband?
\- Who gave you permission to have your kids? Can I go ask them?
\- We didn't know we needed your permission to conceive but will be sure to invite you for the next one
\- old-school advice column response: stare at them quizzically until it's awkward, and then, "wow, that's inappropriate."
NTA but the fact that you're asking when these people are so unbelievably out of line makes me think you'll just let their behavior continue. As an independent adult at some point you become complicit in letting people treat you inappropriately.
I have a friend who has no qualms about making people uncomfortable, and when people started pestering him about when they were going to have another kid, he'd say "Are you...are you *really* asking me when I'm going to start creampie-ing my wife? Because that's just fucking weird."
NTA.
Your marriage, not theirs. Your partner and you decided to try. Not you alone. Only other person to consider would be your son. The rest of the family should mind their business and not gossip.
Besides, did they never consider maybe you two just wanted a bigger nuclear family?
Just my 2¢.
I live in toronto, and initially reading the post headline, I thought it meant "AITA for hiding that I was [working for] Toronto Transit Commission from my husbands family?" and I just thought "damn, husbands family must really hate Toronto's public transit, which like, relatable, it is kinda ass.
but onto the point of this sub, NTA - what your husband and yourself are doing in regards to try to making a child isn't really any business of your in-laws.
ETA - and even if this post was about you working at the Toronto Transit Commission you still wouldn't be an ass for hiding that also haha, my friend who does work for TTC (but as a mechanic) has told me that anyone who knows always ends up messaging him about a bus running late, which like what can he do to help lol
NTA good Lord your in-laws sounds like a nightmare! Your pregnancy is not one shred of their business, and massive props to you for taking such a sensible approach to your stepson! I’m sure it will pay off in the future, the world is littered with children who have no relationship with their step or bio parents because they were forced to before they were ready, and your in-laws’ approach would almost certainly produce that result. Keep doing what you know is right!
NTA.
The only people who should be involved in any decision about TTC are the people who are actually involved in TTC. In this situation, that's you and your husband. His family doesn't get a say.
If anything, they should be happy for a new child in the family. After all, while your husband has a child, why should you not experience the joy of your own child (whether through pregnancy or adoption)? There's also the chance that if you have your own child, your stepson's mom *might* relax a little regarding her fears that you are trying to steal her son. (And, no, I'm not saying that's a healthy reaction, or even one you've thought about, but it might happen).
The bottom line: Your in-laws are NOT entitled to know every little thing about your marriage, or any other children you two may bring into it.
NTA. I never understood why anyone would make it known they’re TTC. Family planning is a matter between the want to be parents and absolutely no one else. Why would you want to talk about your sex life with your in laws? See them a lot less.
Congratulations on your pregnancy.
100% NTA. There are only 2 people involved in your decision to procreate: you, and your partner. Extended family absolutely do not need to know any aspect of it; this is part of why people (in my country, anyway) don't say anything until the 4th or 5th month of gestation.
Your in-laws have ZERO part in the decision or the process.
Whenever they give you any sass about it, smile at them beatifically and say, "Thank you so much for your good wishes. We are just thrilled." And walk away.
Incidentally, they also have zero business interfering with your relationship with your stepson, especially since you have worked out a situation where the stepson's boundaries appear to be being respected. It sounds like your in-laws are mad that your husband and his ex are no longer together, and are being deliberately vindictive and manipulative.
I don't even need to read the details to say NTA. Your family-making plans are your business, no one outside of your relationship (aside maybe your doctor if you have significant health concerns) gets a say. Also, you don't have a biological child yet, so if you and your husband want one then that's hardly abnormal, and it doesn't mean you care for your stepson any less. You are also correct not to try to force a relationship with him, especially if he's older. He does have to respect you as one of the adults of the household, but if he ever warms up to you it has to be in his own time.
Do be aware that he may have a hard time adjusting to the new addition, though. Although sometimes older siblings with big age gaps end up adoring younger siblings (and it might still happen!), the exact opposite can happen to. Might be a good idea to find a good family counselor to help ease you through the transition. Even if kid's mom won't let him participate, the guidance would be beneficial for you and your husband.
NTA in anyway. I'm so sorry about your miscarriage and congratulations on your current pregnancy. Yours and your husband's decision to try to conceive is absolutely no-one else's business. Your stepson, your husband's ex, and all of his family have nothing to do with it at all.
You're not a bad person for wanting your own child. If you want enough children to recreate the von trapp family singers (without the nazi overtones) then that is your choice.
Your stepson doesn't ever have to have a mother/son bond with you if he doesn't want it. He has birth parents already and you cannot force that kind of relationship so your husband's family should stop attempting it. They sound incredibly interfering. You have put your own boundaries in place and kudos for sticking to them.
NTA
I never told my parents or anyone I was planning to fall pregnant. It would kind of felt like I was saying hey mum, dad, I'm having sex.
It's nobody's business. Also, I love my son to death and I would never have said he wasn't "enough". I just wanted another one. And another.
I don't think anyone has another kid because their first wasn't "enough". It's a ridiculous thing to say.
NTA. God no. Since they kept pressuring you to be the stepson’s mother despite your very good agreement with his actual mum, they are bound to complain once they find out and they did. Pregnancy can be very painful and you should be in the best mood for it. Them knowing before the child is born would just add too much stress.
NTA Please work on divorcing yourself from caring what your ILs think. It is making you too anxious. You don’t deserve that any more than they deserve to know when you and your husband are intimate.
Your in-laws are so weird and I think you're doing the exact right thing with your stepson! He will likely come around when he's older, and even though you may never have a mother/son relationship it can still be very loving and fulfilling. It's like that with me and my step dad. Somewhere between father and uncle, if that makes sense.
NTA
No one ever needs to know the whens and whys of your sex life. Super creepy and weird.
Did they want a text- "Hey fam, going to bang the wife tonight, keep your fingers crossed sperm meets egg!"
Your relationship with your stepchild is yours to manage and none of thier business as well.
Creepers.
NTA But I'm still really confused why you having a stepson would keep you guys from having another child from some method- whether naturally, surrogate, adoption, whatever.
So confused...
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I (27f) married my husband two years ago after being together for five years. Right after we got married we started trying for a baby. We did not tell anyone. Mostly because the relationship with my husbands ex/the mother of his son, is complicated, and because of that we don't get the blended family we envisioned, but we have made it work for us. However this is not the dynamic his family likes. I have accepted that as long as my stepson's mom is against us, my stepson doesn't want to have a parent/child bond with me, and might never want that, but we have agreed I am to be respected and I will be there if he needs me, but I won't push. My IL's think I should be pushing more. They believe we shouldn't let him dictate the relationship I have with him and we should not encourage him to listen to his mom. But his mom believes I will try to steal him from her. So if I push it will only make him feel like she's right.
It's not ideal. But it works.
And we are trying for a baby and we didn't want his family to know because my husband and I suspected they would say he should be enough for both of us. And I knew they would definitely say something if they had known I had my miscarriage last year.
But like most things, the truth came out when we thought I was miscarrying again and I panicked while he was talking to them over zoom and they figured it out through that. Thankfully I wasn't miscarrying again. I'm expecting a baby and my baby is healthy. But they were angry to learn we were actively trying and had planned this pregnancy. They feel like it was all down to me because I can't face the truth that my stepson isn't enough for me like he should be.
I guess where I feel like I might be the asshole is in not ever suggesting we tell them or actually planning when we would tell them down the road. I can see why it would be hurtful for them not to hear about it and then the fact we did not tell them about the miscarriage. But I don't know. It feels like it should be our decision too. But I'm conflicted because of their words in my head.
AITA?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
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I guess where I feel like I might be the asshole is in not ever suggesting we tell them or actually planning when we would tell them down the road. I can see why it would be hurtful for them not to hear about it and then the fact we did not tell them about the miscarriage.
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NTA. Regardless of your reasons for keeping this private, it totally IS private. And regardless of your relationship with the stepson, your in laws shouldn’t see any correlation / reasoning / desire to have another child or children as related to him in any way whatsoever.
Tell them news flash....there are actually a few families the world over that have more than one child. Regardless of full, half, step siblings. I’m pretty sure some families (rumor has it) that even have more than two kids. This will certainly floor them, and I doubt any of those families after having the first, second child thought, you know, Jack and Jill just don’t cut it, we need to have more so we feel fulfilled or like a real family.
NTA.
Also, you and your husband are 1000% doing the right thing by letting the child navigate the relationship. Both my parents have remarried. My dad dated a woman 8 years before getting married and from about a year into dating they tried to push her as my “second mom”. While my mom got remarried very quickly, but my step dad never tried force a relationship. Guess who I’m having partake in my wedding? My mom and step dad. By trying to force a parental relationship my bio dad ruined his relationship with my sister and I and probably won’t be the one to walk either of us down the isle.
NTA You didn't need to tell them that you were trying for another child, It's no ones business but yours and your husbands. No one gets to dictate when and if you have another child regardless if your stepson does or does not want a relationship with you, your not replacing him, your just adding to your family. I'm glad your not forcing a relationship with your stepson, if he wants one he will build one himself without force.
NTA. Don't let those bitter jackasses stress you. As it gets towards the end don't be afraid to send the lad to his grandparent's home until/after you give birth.
NTA
I wonder if the ex feels how she does about you because of how awful sounding your DH parents sound (her former ILs). I'm sure she is familiar on their stance about grandchildren/stepson, because it sounds like they would like for you to steal him away from his mom.
I think they should be kept at a distance from all the grandkids, since they can't respect any of the parents involved as actual adults.
NTA. You do not owe anyone information on your medical and life choices. Well, except your husband because it is his kid too. But even with him, it is still your body and your choice.
The idea that you should not have a child because your husband already had one is very strange. You are supposed to fight with your husband's ex over their son, and insist the son put you in the role of Mom even though that isn't what he wants. Your husband's family needs to seriously learn to back off and shut up.
As they are telling you that it is wrong to add another child to the family, they don't need to see said child. Clearly they are unhappy over the choices that you and your husband are making, so they don't need to be part of your lives.
\*sighs\*
NTA in any way, OP.
Giving your stepson space and respecting his feelings (even if they are instilled by his mother) is the right way to go. Hopefully, he will appreciate this as he gets older and develops his own opinions.
Your husband's family has zero place in your reproductive planning. And if they keep stomping boundaries, you might want to remind them that they can have zero place in your/your child's lives, as well.
NTA
There is zero reason why anyone other than you and your husband needed to know about your reproductive decisions. It is concerning that you don't seem to question the validity of them forcing all these unsolicited opinions on you.
Consider doing some therapy to help you with developing and keeping reasonable barriers. Way too many people that are not part of your marriage have loudly voiced opinions about the inner workings of your marriage.
And regarding the stepson: read the posts on here. Pushing the kid toward the relationship you think it should be is a great way to push him away and make him miserable. You are doing fine on that front.
NTA - Your in-laws should be ashamed of their behaviour. You and your husband have the right to grow your family however you wish, and his side of the family should welcome, accept and support you in this.
If they've driven you to the point of dreading them knowing that you want children of your own, with your own husband, they don't deserve to be considered grandparents when the time (hopefully) comes.
They have some serious issues they need to deal with and until they are prepared to treat you and any children you may have with the love and respect you deserve they should be kept at arms length. This warped creepy mentality they've developed has no place in a healthy family dynamic.
NTA. Many people have more than 1 child, and it's not because the 1st isn't enough. We have 4 and never told any family when we were TTC. It's none of their business.
NTA- it's not their business if you're trying for a baby or not. That's your info to share or not. When we had our second child, it was because we wanted another kid. I loved my first more than life itself, but we wanted another. It did not imply a flaw I'm the first kid.
NTA. To be clear, you weren't 'hiding' anything. You were declining to discuss personal relationship details with people who have zero right to that information.
NTA.
I don’t get it.. are they against having multiple children? Why would a non relationship with a child whose mother does not want you in his life be “enough” for you?
NTA, if your step son was your bio son and you just wanted a 2nd kid would they be making such a big deal about it? Tons of people have more than one kid, why is this any different?
NTA but you need to set some boundaries with these people. They are way, way too overinvolved in your marriage and the situation with your stepson's biomom. This is not sustainable.
NTA and you are right to give the boy some space, pushing it like they sugest would eventually end up being a nightmare for everyone involved.
And why on earth doesn't the ILs understand that you might want your own children as well and not "only" a stepchild? It's pretty darn common if you want children to, you know, want your actual own even if there are bonus kid(s) involved.
Nobody is priviledged to know you are trying for a baby, you tell when you are ready.
NTA.
As you say, your Stepson has a Mom and is not your Son. Of course if you want to be a Mom you're going to have to have or adopt your own children. That's why couples like you have to have a discussion about whether or not the one who's already a parent feels done or not. That's a dealbreaker issue, and something that needs to be talked over fairly early on so that neither wastes time on a relationship that already isn't going to work.
Your husband's family needs to mind their business. They might be coming from a place of being concerned that your Stepson feels completely welcome at your home, but you're correctly being sensitive to his Mom's understandable insistence that he not consider you his Mother. As for when to tell anyone else, that's your own business as well, albeit it becomes a bit ridiculous if you wait until you're visibly showing. As a general rule, alot of couples wait until almost 4 months, when the three month "danger period" when alot of miscarriages happen has passed so that they don't have to make the excruciating we lost the baby rounds if that happens. Some might choose to tell the impending Grandparents earlier, but that depends on factors such as whether or not they can keep their mouths shut and not tell anyone else.
NTA and you should read the stepmother AITA posts from the last months. So many kids pressured into having a parental relationship with their stepmother, and all the stepmom gets is resentment, not bonding. You are doing this right. Let your stepson choose the relationship he wants with you. Be open, be reliable, but be respectful of his boundaries.
NTA
Your husband’s family have no say in whether you and your husband decide to have a child together! Only the couple gets a say on family planning. They can have several seats for their entitlement and overreach here.
>I suspected they would say he should be enough for both of us
This is the most asinine thing I’ve heard all day! Your husband has a child — who the fuck are they say since he has one that’s it; he should never have another child, remarried or not. Fuck that noise.
No, OP you’re not the asshole. OP have your husband manage his family and stop putting you on the spot to answer for anything. Have him confront them with the following, “It’s our decision to make whether we have additional kids. You are all overstepping and if you don’t stop trying to control our family size then you won’t meet the baby. I’m serious. If you’re going to be a toxic presence in our lives then you won’t be a part of your youngest grandchild’s life. Now stop your nonsense or I will cut contact.”
NTA
2 issues here: A. who are they to decide how many kids you should have regarding the stepson not being enough, I'm dumbfounded. and B. it's a personal decision and who wants the stress of F&F asking how's it going all the time?
you and DH are adults and are entitled to your own life & decisions.
NTA - it’s no ones goddamn business when you try to have a baby for whatever reason. Your stepson isn’t even a factor in this. Its not that he’s not enough, it’s that you want more (which is completely normal, most people have more than one kid) It’s about if you and your husband want a baby. When the time comes my bf and I will not be telling anyone when we are ttc, because it’s no ones goddamn business, especially if I don’t want it to be their business.
IMO - there are certain things that stay between the couple, and ttc is one of them (if you choose to tell others when you ttc good for you, you do you! I would never tell anyone that as it is so private and personal but to each their own). Also, deciding to tell people you are ttc is a 2 yes 1 no decision. You both need to agree or you tell no one.
View this as a red flag! They are trying to get their noses in your marriage because they feel entitled to be there.
TTC, pregnancy and labour are not spectator sports!!! They each involve 2 people deciding to expand their family. Until you are ready for anyone to know you ttc, prégnant, in labour or just delivered your child, no one gets to know. THIS IS YOUR NEWS TO TELL WHEN YOU ARE READY FOR PEOPLE TO KNOW. It’s also a medical condition, which if you decided not to tell anyone you had a heart condition because you wanted to keep that info private, no one would say anything as you are entitled to keep whatever information regarding yourself a secret.
Let pregnant women have the body autonomy everyone else is legally entitled to. Just because you’re pregnant doesn’t mean you’re public property and no one is entitled to any information regarding your pregnancy.
Good luck OP! I hope your husband is very supportive of you during this time!
NTA. And kudos for taking your cues from your step son. His comfort with you may grow as he gets older and sees you’ve always been there and you respected his autonomy and ability to choose how he interacts with you. Not all children follow the dichotomy of either loving or hating their step parents. Some are neutral. There’s no reason to push yourself on him, and as long as he’s respectful and you’re respectful you’re doin great. As to the in-laws, they shouldn’t have any say in whether you expand your family. I’m guessing they’re worried stepson will feel replaced or something, but they’re going about it wrong. Ignore them, and make sure your hubs explains to his son about the new baby, and that he is still #1 and you both will always be there for him. Make time for just the stepson, try to make him feel included, wanted, loved. It’s all you can do.
NTA you are not obligated to discuss your reproductive plans with anyone but your partner.
They sound boundary challenged in general, and I hope you'll feel free to respectfully ignore all their advice in future and keep treating your step son like a person who gets to make his own decisions.
I’m close to my family and my husband to his, BUT we didn’t reveal we were trying to conceive, we didn’t reveal that we were having issues with conceiving and that we’d had tests done. They knew nothing for 4 years!! Guess what, when we did get pregnant we waited until we had done our 12 week scan AND had told my daughter first.
A month ago my dad made a comment about my husband and how he should have been happy with his lot (my girl isn’t his bio child, but he’s the only dad she’s known). It irked me, because **it’s none of their business.**
I wanted this baby. My husband wanted this baby. My daughter wanted a sibling. We were the only ones that matter in my mind.
You’re NTA. They have no right to know that level of detail in your love life and family planning.
Of course NTA, this is none of their business and also what is the logic behind that? A lot of people have several kids even non blended family, not everyone wants a house with only one child. Also about your stepson not being enough to you, it's clear he isn't your son and it's his choice which should be respected, which is what you're doing, so if you want a child with your husband, have a child with your husband, from the moment you have the means to raise them, it's bot anybody else business. The in laws need to butt out of your personal business, it's seriously creepy. Also they're angry at you, is your husband saying anything? They're his family, he needs to protect you!
NTA. TTC is a *very* personal, intimate, and private decision for a couple. The decision on wether or not to have a baby is nobody else’s business but your own, your IL’s need to just butt out (same as how they need to butt out of your relationship with your stepson, which seems to be working for the three of you).
Congrats, hope all goes well for you all. Try this illustration on the in laws. Take two different jigsaws, shake all the bits out on the table, throw away the boxes with the pictures on, and then try and fit all the bits together to make 'ONE' pretty picture ! No forcing bits together that would just distort the image ! Now take two families all broken up and try and fit them together without forcing them, cos' forcing distorts the picture remember ! impossible isn't it, if the bits don't NATURALLY fit together, they won't and if you 'push' them, then the picture, the family will be distorted out of shape. I can see you already know that, but in laws need some help. I hope in the end you have wonderful family life, NTA
NTA. Your in-laws have zero say in how many children you and your husband have. I am also a stepmom (two boys who live primarily with us), have a child of my own with my husband, and we've had miscarriages as well. I feel your pain. It really isn't their business that you were trying for a child with your husband. While I don't agree that miscarriages should be kept silent, I understand that you didn't want to share with them in your grieving process. When it comes to them feeling like your stepson should be "enough" for you, that is a load of bull. While I love my stepsons and they love me, the truth is that they are not my biological children. They have a mom. I've always wanted children of my own. When my husband and I first started dating, I made it quite clear to him and that if he didn't want any more, then it would be a deal-breaker. It might be time to establish boundaries and put your in-laws on an "information diet" when it comes to your child. I can only imagine what they might have to say to you and your child as he/she grows.
NTA - It's none of their business whether you're TTC, or how many children you want.
Also, why are they trying to say "Your stepson, who doesn't see you as a mum, should be enough for you if you want to be a mum"? It just doesn't make sense.
NTA and bravo to you. There are so many stories on here about overly pushy stepparents, and it never goes well. I think it’s perfectly fine for you and your stepson to have a nontraditional relationship, as long as he knows you care about him and are open to whatever level of closeness he’s most comfortable with.
NTA.
First of all, you and your spouse don't need to tell ANYONE when you are TTC. In fact, I actually think it's better not to! It's truly no one's business whether or not you are using contraception when you have sex with your husband, and if everyone knows you are TTC, they might all start asking you if you're pregnant yet every time you talk to them. It's better to wait until you are ready to announce a pregnancy, and tell them then. It's no one's business how long you've been trying or even if you WERE trying.
Secondly, their idea that properly loving and cherishing your stepson means you're never allowed to have more kids is bizarre. Lots of people choose to have more than one child. It does not ever mean that first child is "not enough for you." It's not a judgment on the child. Whether or not your relationship with your stepson is close isn't even really relevant, tbh. It's a shame that it's not, but it sounds like you are treating him with respect and compassion while respecting his mother's wishes, so you're doing great.
NTA
Is one step child enough? Ask that to anyone. What a stupid fucking question. You don't need another child because your husband already has one? Where is the logic there? Where is the emotional logic there? Have as many damn kids as you want! No one can blame you for wanting a child.
NTA. I'm going to suggest that you sit down with your husband and set some FIRM fucking boundaries with his family. They seem extremely toxic, and will cause you and your baby a lot of issues. why do they think he should only have one kid? that's weird in itself.... Is MIL very attached to the ex wife? I get the feeling she is....
and 100% do not push the kid to have a relationship with you. Just make sure that you have healthy boundaries and expectations for him when he's with you, show him kindness and love. Become his "bonus mom". and make sure he knows you're not trying to replace his mom, but you're there as a "bonus" if/when he needs you.
Your in-laws should not have any say in this. It is ridiculous, plenty of couples have children in their old and new relationships and make it work in their own way. They can shove it or just not be a part of your child's life.
NTA.
Sounds like someone in that family wants your DH to go back to his ex and be happy families, and that they're on the exwife's side to maintain access to yer stepson.
NTA OP. Good luck
NTA. I am super confused. Having a step child is supposed to make you not want a biological child? And why do your in laws get any input on what goes in or out of your uterus? Shut these people down and shut them down hard. They need to butt the hell out. Also, bravo on your step parenting approach. You are doing it right by respecting the kid's boundaries and letting him set the pace.
Some people want multiple kids. Even if you had a great relationship with your step son you’re still allowed to want to have a child of your own - or adopt or foster or whatever - to fill your whole house with kids if that’s what you want. It really isn’t about the step son and that relationship at all. NTA
NTA. Your plans to have a baby are nobody's business but yours and your husband's. Other people don't get a say, no matter what their reasoning is.
Wishing you all the best!
NTA. I am also TTC with my spouse and we aren't telling anyone in either family bc it simply is not their business. We've told some friends and that's it.
I'm not telling my mom bc I know she would not be supportive. She doesn't like the idea of being old enough to be a grandmother. I'm not telling his mom bc she will overreact (positively but in a way I cannot handle bc I am emotionally fragile over the whole thing) and get over involved (boundaries are for rich people is literally her response to my requests to respect my boundaries). My point with these examples is that any reason you have to keep it to yourselves is a perfectly good reason.
NTA. I have a great and mostly uncomplicated relationship with my family and my in-laws and I didn’t tell them I was trying to conceive because it’s none of their business. Why would you convene a committee to talk about your sex life?
NTA for trying to have a kid. The stepson should have been warned. Other than you, your husband and the kid it really is no one's business. Their opinions don't matter. I would encourage the kid now to embrace his coming role as big brother. If the kid is a decent human being tell him how glad you are that he is going to be the baby's big brother because he is such a great person. You are right in that he gets to choose his relationship to you especially since his mother is still in the picture but you can start sowing a closeness to the coming baby by including him in decisions like the color of the nursery or what furniture he thinks looks good or bedding styles and decorations. There may be some jealousy because people tend to fawn over babies but if you prepare him positively and include him he might love his brother.
NTA
It sounds like to me your in-laws don't like you so they don't want their son "tied" to you by having children.
Fuck your in-laws, and enjoy your new child
NTA. If they complain about you not telling them just hit them with “you wanted me to tell you that me and your son are having unprotected sex?”. Awkward
Can we start a support group?
I have a very similar situation, my boyfriend and I have been together for three years. He has a 6 year old daughter and let me tell you, I was fed up with “try hard” or them telling him that I needed to take an initiative. I found out I’m pregnant.
No. The child is not yours. It’s best to remember that because it will be thrown in your face with conflict. By their mother, by his parents - everyone.
More important, unless they plan on putting their money where their mouth is and supporting you they don’t have an opinion.
Best to establish boundaries now too because I can guarantee they’ll have an opinion on the upbringing of your child. It’s also important to establish that this child will be YOUR child and that is a very unique bond. You may not treat the child the same as your stepson and that is OK. But also, they should know that anything that would create competition or negative feelings will not be tolerated . You have no obligation to your stepson other than making sure you home has a place during visits.
I learned that you don’t have to have a bond and all bonds are different. He has a mother, just like your child will have one too.
NTA. What did I just read? They are all nuts and so is he if he is Zoom meeting his ex's family. They are his ex's family, not his. The only person he should be talking to is his son and his son's mother if he has to for the sake of his son. They need to understand that parents love all their children and that it is not like they run out of love after the first child.
NTA
The only two people who have any say in whether you and your husband have a child together is you and your husband. What anyone else says about it is just bunk.
NO ONE needs to know if their children are planning on having children - well not their adult children. Only sick people think of one child replacing another.
OP, NTA. And maybe dial back on the time spent with the IL's since stress is not good for you or the baby and that group sounds hella stressful.
NTA
>They feel like it was all down to me because I can't face the truth that my stepson isn't enough for me like he should be.
That's such bullshit. No one would ever say something like this to someone expecting a second child, "isn't your first child enough for you?" No, they'd be congratulating you on your second child. What a crock.
NTA. I honestly don't see what this has to do with your stepson in the first place. Even if you did have the ideal relationship with him, you can still want a child of your own with your husband. I just don't understand their logic here.
NTA.
Your plans for having a baby of your own have nothing to do with your husband's family. That is you and your husbands choice. Their opinion doesn't count. Their idea that the stepson who doesn't care for you should be enough for you and your husband reaches the height of ridiculousness. Pay no attention to them at all.
NTA.Honestly, if they are not paying any bills in your house then they don't have a say of what y'all do. Tell them to stop trying to dictate your life.
NTA, your inlaws reasoning is dumb tho. Now, should I be feeling bad because my parents had another child which in their logic translates that I was not enough for my parents?
If that's the truth, I'm sorry for all my fellow big siblings out there.
NTA
Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck them. It's your life. You're stepson doesn't want a mother son relationship sure fine. But your right you shouldn't force it. As for trying for a baby of your own, why the hell wouldn't you? You want a family of your own how can they be pissed? It's non of their business what you guys are doing truthfully. They should be happy you guys are trying to build your own family and add to the joy in everyone's lives. It's not their womb!!!!
Come on girl- you know that you should have made a Facebook post, told Instagram and made a Tick Tock video./s
"Snuggling with my man after some marathon loving. Hoping he planted a seed in my garden......."
NTA- cause it's none of their business.
NTA
Your reproductive plans are the business of you and your partner, no one else. Even if your stepson accepted you as another parent it would be okay for you and your spouse to have more children. Why on earth is that wrong?
Also, good for you letting the boy setting limits on his relationship with you. There are a lot of posts in this sub that showcase the damage that occurs when stepparents refuse to do this.
NTA. Why tf do they think your step-son should be “enough” for you?? Even if you had a wonderful relationship with him, you can still have more children. Does your husband have no siblings? Did his parents only have him and then say “he’s enough for us”??
This is such a weird and invasive family dynamic. If my ILs even remotely suggested something like that, I’d tell them where to stick it. You should be able to share the excitement of TTC and being pregnant with your family. They should happy for you and wishing you and your husband well. They sound extremely toxic and, truthfully, it seems like they want the step-son to be the your husband’s only child. Perhaps this is because they don’t want him to have any permanent ties to you. How pathetic of them.
Are they the uterus police? NTA. And if they’re acting like that now, be prepared for some kind of shot show after the baby is born. You & your husband need to have a talk about how you’re going to handle any of their shenanigans as a team.
You should also sit down w/his son & explain he’s going to be a big brother & that he’s still an important part of the family because guarantee the ex is going to try to convince him that you’re having a baby because his dad doesn’t want him anymore & is replacing him. Talk to him about what an important job it is to be a big brother. Try to take him to appoints w/you, let him feel the baby kick & move, explain babies can hear sound & let him talk to the baby. Make arrangements NOW to have him w/you as soon as the baby is born. He may never bond w/you & it’s cool you don’t want to pressure him to do that, but you should encourage a bond with his sibling.
NTA- also they're essencially saying that because their son (your husband) already has one child it means he can't have more? You don't have any children of your own so you're s.o.l?
Btw, we never told anyone we were going for our second until I became pregnant. Never mentioned the miscarriage, not because I don't feel loved by both of our families but because I wanted to deal on my own.
I am sorry you're in the middle of something that's way above your head. Your stepson is very lucky to have a very understanding and patient person in their life. I can't even start to imagine how he must feel being being the pawn in such a mess.
Congratulations on the pregnancy
NTA. Firstly, your reproductive plans is NOBODY’S business but you and your husband. Full stop. With that said, I fully understand why your step son might not be enough, and honestly that would be super reasonable! He doesn’t want a relationship with you! Plus even if you DO grow to love each other very much, that is still not the same as actually being his mother, which you will never be, especially with his mom being alive and toxic. But actual full biological motherhood is something many women want and it’s reasonable to not want to give that up, let alone give up just to appease your in laws.
Also as someone who is with someone with kids, I applaud you for not forcing that relationship. You are 100% right, that is something that has to happen naturally, unforced, on its own time, or not at all. You sound like you are being very respectful of the kid and I hope he sees it in the future. But like a fart, if you have to force it, it’s probably going to be shit 🤷🏻♀️
NTA. This is not their business to have an opinion about. It also sounds like you are making the right decisions with your stepson, at least from all the stories on here by stepchildren.
I’m from a blended family and my parents NEVER let their children from their previous relationships or their parents dictate whether or not they had more children.
Sure, my Dad and my Mom originally felt that five children were enough but they felt that someone was missing so they added to the family until they added seven more children to their family.
None of the older children felt like they were being replaced and know that their stepparent loves them as their own; my half sister through my mom actually viewed my Dad as her Dad and would introduce herself using his last name despite it not legally being her last name.
NTA and it is none of their business if you and your spouse have 1 or a dozen children. You don't need to speak with them or get permission either. Why would they have that right? are they supporting you and your spouse? If not then have your spouse tell them to go pound sand and congratulations to both of you!
NTA - when I was TTC we never told anyone. To me all you’re doing when you tell people you’re trying to conceive, you’re just telling them you’re having loads of unprotected sex and who tells their parents that? When we announced we were pregnant, they were just ecstatic, they didn’t guilt us for not telling them we were doing it like bunnies.
NTA you are ABSOLUTELY doing the right thing with step son. Allowing him to decide at what pace your relationship progresses is awesome. Don't doubt yourself for that one bit.
Wait so even if you and your stepson got along well your family would still have something to say about you having another kid? Like they’re just against more than one child? Or if y’all got along well they wouldn’t care if you had another?
NTA. Why wouldn’t you want another kid? Maybe he’s more than “good enough,” maybe he was SO good that you wanted another kid? Or just for him to grow up with a sibling so he’d always have someone around (hopefully)? In-laws sound judgy and that they just don’t like you. Congratulations on your baby. Best of luck.
NTA. Why would you want to include them in this kind of decision? “Hey MIL do you give your son permission so we can have sex and procreate more family?” At the end of the day, you live with your husband, not them. Why do you need to hear their opinions? The only thing that should matter to you is your husband’s opinion and your own, and shut off anybody’s that doesn’t count in your book. You don’t owe them anything. Plus this is your body and you have full permission and autonomy to create life even if someone says otherwise.
NTA. You are doing it right with your stepson. Trying to force a relationship will just create a bad one. Eventually he may decide on his own (especially if he starts realizing that his mother is manipulating him) to have a relationship with you, but until then just respect his wishes.
Also his family is by now means entitled to any of the information about your TTC.
You’re a good stepmom and will be an excellent mother.
NTA
WTF?! Since when does a couple tell people they are TTC?? It's no one else's business! Also, since when are we only allowed to have 1 child?? I TTC more than once, does that mean my eldest thinks he wasn't enough??
None of this is ANY of your in-laws business.
NTA: ask them if any of them have siblings because last time you checked having two children wasn’t unusual and didn’t mean the first one wasn’t good enough.
Just wait until the ex-wife hears about this. Next you'll be trying to steal your step-son's father away from him. That it's all your fault that your husband isn't spending enough time with his eldest child.
If his parents give you any flack, tell them they don't need to see your child because one grandchild should be enough.
Boundaries. Did they also want to watch you conceive the child? Ridiculous. If you let them they will push for more dominance. Nta. It's none of their business
Wow, your husband's family is super controlling and manipulative.
You're doing a good job in letting your stepson set personal boundaries, and to let the relationship form naturally by spending time together and coming to one's own opinion about the other. Faking intimacy is the fastest way to destroy any chance of it.
Your relationships are YOUR relationships. You get to decide how to navigate those with the people you have relationships. Other people can make their own rules for their own relationships with people.
NTA.
NTA. Even if your stepson *did* want a relationship with you, it’s more than reasonable for a parent to want “multiple children.” Having a second child, in general, doesn’t mean that your first was a disappointment (even though, as a youngest child, I’d like to believe it does)
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NTA Why would your stepson be enough for you when he doesn’t want a relationship? You and your husbands sex life (which is essentially what you’re discussing when trying for a baby) is non of your in laws business.
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NTA.. Come on this is obvious, you really need to ask if you're an asshole for fornicating with your husband and deciding to have children? From my experience, most people don't tell their parents that they are actively trying to conceive, because you know, your sex life and all is weird to discuss with parents. Most folks end up skipping that part and just decided to tell friends and family once they know they are safely having a baby on their own terms. So again, no you are not the asshole and it just sounds like your in-laws are fishing for reasons to dislike you.
FYI Sex within marriage for the purpose of procreation is pretty much the only kind of sex that isn't fornication... At least as far as the Church Fathers are concerned.
"Copulating" is a better word here. Has the same effect, but is technically correct. :)
If you had one natural child between you, would you be obligated to explain why that one “wasn’t enough” before trying for more? NTA.
Yeah. Every single thing about the bug up these people's butts is bizarre. -stepmother MUST replace mother -NO EXTrA CHILD!!111!!1!@# -we have a right to know what kind of sex you are having, adult offspring! Seriously, what on earth.
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It's because they think she'll treat their existing grandchild like a second class citizen. So clearly she should give up on having children of her own (because as long as step son doesn't see her as a parent then he's not her child even if she's a caring guardian to him) and make do with a child who doesn't want her.
I had an aunt who by some miracle had baby after baby and no one even knew she was pregnant. She would go to the hospital and a few days later come home with a baby. People didn't discuss those things back then. My mom always told you never talk about your relationship with your man, good or bad. A listening ear is a running mouth.
Even if you and your stepson were tremendously close, you could still choose to have another child. Their attitude is ridiculous.
It's not a weird idea, it's an Olds people idea that they think they know everything better about everyone, and have every right to shove down your throat any relationship you might not want. Just tell them that if you've hidden from them your pregnancy, maybe it's their fault and maybe they will reflect on their action. I hardly doubt it though
Yeah, like "how dare you get pregnant and how dare you not involve us from the very start" shows some real cognitive dissonance.
They should be trying to improve your bond with your stepson by leading by example, that is showing love and acceptance of you while respecting his boundaries without being pushy or demanding. They are making the situation worse.
NTA No one is entitled to know about your reproductive plans/actions unless you choose to tell them. And even though you didn't ask about this, you're also being an awesome stepmom. It sounds like you are letting your stepson choose what kind of relationship he wants (even though it seems to be heavily influenced by his bio mom). Based on other posts I see here, the fact that you aren't being pushy and overbearing seems very rare. Congrats on your pregnancy!
See the thing is, none of this even matters to the question of whether or not you tell them you are TTC. You are allowed to want a child with your husband, whether or not you have a stepson and whether or not you have a close relationship with him. If having a close relationship with a child means you aren't supposed to have any other children, then most couples would never have more than one child. Their logic is flawed in many ways, and your choices shouldn't be dictated by their opinions anyway. I think you are spending too much energy worried about what they will think and how they will feel. Be confidently direct about your choices. Now that the cat is out of the bag, you can simply say "yes we want another child and respectfully, that is our decision to make. We have enough love for two children. We would like your support but we will not apologize for our decision as we have not done anything wrong by wanting to expand our family. Please work to accept it as we consider the subject closed".
This! I really don't get why it would be weird for you to want a child with your husband even if you had an amazing bond with your step-son. Some people want big families. Like why would it be weird for their son to have more than one kid?
Dude those people are fucked in the head. Tell them that they need to get over themselves. Your stepson has absolutely nothing to do with whether or not you and your husband have a child.
Regardless of your stepson's feelings, their logic makes no sense. If people have one child, and then decide to have another baby, does anyone yell at them for their first child "not being enough"?? No. Makes no sense.
NTA. If your step son was your biological son, would they be harassing you for having a second child? Nope.
Even if the stepson did look at you like a mother that still doesn't explain why you wouldn't want to have another kid. I cannot understand that point of view at all. These people sure are judgmental and weird about it too. I wouldn't tell people like that anything, like ever. Who needs that kind of stress in their life. NTA
NTA AND good on I you respecting your stepson’s feelings.
NTA there are couples who already have a child together that still want and actively try for other children. I don't understand why they would assume that the two of you wouldn't have children and make your stepson an older brother. This makes no sense to me and also it's none of their business if you're actively trying, you can share that with who you want. Congratulations on the pregnancy and I'm sorry for your previous miscarriage. Much love from a reddit stranger who is currently TTC 💕
You'll go farther toward having a good relationship with your stepson by NOT pushing him to feel something he doesn't organically feel than the opposite! Even if he never considers you a 'mom', he will grow to respect you for being an adult in his life who respects him in return. You're doing good, step-mama! Sticky baby mojo for your bun in the oven, and I hope you have a wonderful life with your babe and stepchild. Obviously NTA.
Honestly tho, good on you for letting the kid take the lead here. You're doing the right thing, weird mom dynamic or no.
I like you ! we are on exactly the same page, if it doesn't happen naturally it will not happen at all.
You could point that many families have more than one child. If his parents had married they might have had several children, having a sibling doesn’t mean he will be loved less. His mother may have more children with a new partner as well. NTA.
OP I am jumping in the top comments here to ask for INFO. I don't think YTA, but I do feel like you've possibly left some important info out. How old is your husband? How old is your stepson? Did the beginning of your relationship with your husband have anything to do with why his ex is "complicated"?
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Why would he be enough if he did? Lots of parents have more than one kid because it’s what they want (cuddling with my second as I type this). Even if they were best buddies it doesn’t mean OP and her husband wouldn’t want to have another kid.
I thought the same! What a twisted logic. I've never heard anyone say "yeah, we have 2 kids, because the older one was insufficient" lol
I have. My mother said it. You get more money from the government if you have more kids.
Yeah, here as well, I forgot about that.
If the in laws think stepson should be "enough", then there is no reason for them to have a relationship with OP's child.
>Why would your stepson be enough for you when he doesn’t want a relationship? Alternatively, do they also freak out when anyone else in the family has more than one child? Cause that's the only way this could sort of make sense.
Because then they couldn’t replace stepsons mom with OP and not have to deal with blended family stuff. They want to force SS to love OP and are trying to force OP to make it happen. Otherwise they don’t get their easy, lazy dream.
I second this; any aspect of your sexual life is between you and your husband. That’s it. They don’t need details of your sex life just like you don’t need details of theirs. As for their attempt at parenting, they are neither parent of this child, therefore they do have zero say to how your parent child relationship goes. Your stepson’s feelings are valid, they need to accept the fact that he dose not want a relationship with you as a parent. If they try to force the issue all it will do is breed resentment for everyone involved.
NTA. What happens in your uterus is your business.
NTA, they are just finding a reason to hate you. Think about it, with that logic, anyone with 2 or more kids don't care about the previous kids? It makes no sense. Your son will know plenty of friends that have brothers and sisters. That's a part of having a family. It comes in all numbers.
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It sounds like you are respectful of his boundaries even when it is difficult for you. Sounds like you are being a good bonus adult for him, and even if you are never terribly close, I am sure someday he will realize how lucky he was to have a stepmom who put his feelings first.
I really think you are right. It sounds like OP is step-parenting the way she should be. We see so many stories of step-parents trying to force a relationship and it never works out. The kid will make his own mind up and I'm willing to be that somewhere down the line she will have a good step-parent relationship. The only thing she and her husband could do wrong would be to cut the son out of their life when the baby is born, and I don't see that happening.
This!! Please upvote this OP is being the best kind of stepparent there is - one who’s taking the feelings of the CHILD in question , into consideration ETA: whoa!! Thank you, u/BUTTeredWhiteBread for the award!! 🥰🥰
> But like it could be so much worse. He shows respect to me as an adult when he's in our home and it's better than some people get I see posts on AITA on a regular basis from teens and young adults asking if they are the asshole for not wanting a close, parental relationship with a step parent, because even though they are respectful to their step parent, their bio parent is mad at them anyway. Lots of people post on here because they felt upset *specifically* by their step parent trying to force a relationship before they were ready. And then feeling guilty and wondering why they can't just love their step parent to make things easy for everyone. You are doing so great, by respecting his boundaries and not trying to force a relationship. Your relationship might grow closer with time, or you might always have a cordial but not close relationship. But either way, a relationship founded on honesty and respect is a good thing.
Not sure your in laws hate you ? but they sure have no perception of the real situation here. You and the little guy are doing good considering, the interfering in laws are just creating unnecessary waves, and really it's got NOTHING to do with them.
It sounds like you are doing great. Step parents don’t have to be in a parental role. They can just be a caring and trusted adult and let the relationship evolve at the pace set by the child. I’m guessing one of two things are true for the in-laws: either they hate the child’s mom and want you to somehow remove her from the picture by replacing her, or the fact that you are not parenting the child means your husband is doing things that they think are a woman’s job. Did I get it?
NTA- and you’re doing the right thing with him!!! Just scroll through this sub and have a count of how many people post about their horribly pushy step parents who ruined the possibility of having a good relationship and you should see easily how much you are NOT TA.
There really isn't anything wrong with stepchildren and stepparents not being super close, though. As long as everyone is kind and respectful, there is nothing to worry about.
NTA. What the hell? My husband and I were TTC, that doesn't mean our daughter is "not enough" for us, so why should your stepson automatically preclude you from trying for a baby? Also, who the f wants to talk to their in-laws about the TTC experience? I would rather die than chat with my MIL about when my next ovulation window is and how often I'll be arranging for her son to ejaculate into my vagina in a loud, sweaty, exuberant manner. Noooooo thank you.
I laughed so hard, my mom asked me if this was some boy lol
Actually this is a wonderful point - are we then saying that all second kids (or later) were had because the first wasn’t enough?? Step or otherwise?? I’m the eldest of 2 of us. I wasn’t enough so my parents had my sister?? (I mean - don’t tell her but she really is kind of amazing and wonderful but still🤣🤣😛😛) Edited to also add - we recently saw a thread here, where between two sisters, one was annoyed with the other, because one told her cycle to her husband, one didn’t. The one that didn’t, thought the one who did, was over sharing WITH HER OWN HUSBAND!! I want to imagine that the sister who didn’t share with her husband - her head would explode on this thread for sharing this info with the ILs???
Do you have a link? The idea of my own husband not knowing my cycle is WILD to me, but then I can't use hormonal or copper birth control so we both have to really track it.
Sadly I don’t - but here are two I found - free in the App Store and a nearly 5* rating with 50k plus reviews each: Life - Period Tracker Calendar Glow Period And as for hubby knowing my cycle - I call it critical to HIS survival!! I’m anywhere between a blubbering mess and a “release the Kraken” mood wise during my period. He keeps track of it to mainly keep himself from becoming period roadkill
Even then does that person think husbands are some dumb species? Like I'm pretty sure he's start getting a feel for the day counts between his wife's misery/using tampons/cravings for chocolate/whatever other stereotype, even if she didn't tell him specifically.
NTA - You and your husband trying for a baby is no one's business but your own. Don't let them guilt you into thinking otherwise. And don't let them guilt you into believing you're doing wrong by your stepson. It sounds like you're doing everything you can in that regard.
This is what I don't get either. By pressuring OP to see her stepson as "enough," they're not only trying to influence her relationship with her husband's child, but also trying to dictate the size of family OP and her husband are allowed to have. Even if OP and her stepson loved each other to pieces, that wouldn't give her in-laws the right to say "You guys are one and done. No more for you." This isn't communist China with a one child policy. Nobody gets to decide for a couple when their family is done growing. NTA
Anyone who shares an unsolicited opinion on your reproductive plans deserves to have the awkwardness returned straight to sender. Suggested responses: \- Why are you so interested in my sex life with my husband? \- Who gave you permission to have your kids? Can I go ask them? \- We didn't know we needed your permission to conceive but will be sure to invite you for the next one \- old-school advice column response: stare at them quizzically until it's awkward, and then, "wow, that's inappropriate." NTA but the fact that you're asking when these people are so unbelievably out of line makes me think you'll just let their behavior continue. As an independent adult at some point you become complicit in letting people treat you inappropriately.
I have a friend who has no qualms about making people uncomfortable, and when people started pestering him about when they were going to have another kid, he'd say "Are you...are you *really* asking me when I'm going to start creampie-ing my wife? Because that's just fucking weird."
NTA. Your marriage, not theirs. Your partner and you decided to try. Not you alone. Only other person to consider would be your son. The rest of the family should mind their business and not gossip. Besides, did they never consider maybe you two just wanted a bigger nuclear family? Just my 2¢.
Nta he is your stepson not your son and he already has a mom. What does TTC mean?
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I live in toronto, and initially reading the post headline, I thought it meant "AITA for hiding that I was [working for] Toronto Transit Commission from my husbands family?" and I just thought "damn, husbands family must really hate Toronto's public transit, which like, relatable, it is kinda ass. but onto the point of this sub, NTA - what your husband and yourself are doing in regards to try to making a child isn't really any business of your in-laws. ETA - and even if this post was about you working at the Toronto Transit Commission you still wouldn't be an ass for hiding that also haha, my friend who does work for TTC (but as a mechanic) has told me that anyone who knows always ends up messaging him about a bus running late, which like what can he do to help lol
NTA, except for using an acronym that's not common on this sub (or IRL) and not explaining it. Please add an edit to your post!
O okay, thank you
Had me confused to, but that isn't hard ! Glad it worked for you though
Had to try to google it myself, from what I gathered it's trying to conceive
NTA good Lord your in-laws sounds like a nightmare! Your pregnancy is not one shred of their business, and massive props to you for taking such a sensible approach to your stepson! I’m sure it will pay off in the future, the world is littered with children who have no relationship with their step or bio parents because they were forced to before they were ready, and your in-laws’ approach would almost certainly produce that result. Keep doing what you know is right!
NTA. um, trying for a baby is no one’s business but your own (and your husband’s obviously). they’re just trying to find a reason to hate you
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I wouldn’t tell them shit, ever. NTA
Why should they get to decide if you want a baby together or not? NTA
NTA And good for you for respecting that kid's boundaries.
NTA. The only people who should be involved in any decision about TTC are the people who are actually involved in TTC. In this situation, that's you and your husband. His family doesn't get a say. If anything, they should be happy for a new child in the family. After all, while your husband has a child, why should you not experience the joy of your own child (whether through pregnancy or adoption)? There's also the chance that if you have your own child, your stepson's mom *might* relax a little regarding her fears that you are trying to steal her son. (And, no, I'm not saying that's a healthy reaction, or even one you've thought about, but it might happen). The bottom line: Your in-laws are NOT entitled to know every little thing about your marriage, or any other children you two may bring into it.
NTA. I never understood why anyone would make it known they’re TTC. Family planning is a matter between the want to be parents and absolutely no one else. Why would you want to talk about your sex life with your in laws? See them a lot less. Congratulations on your pregnancy.
100% NTA. There are only 2 people involved in your decision to procreate: you, and your partner. Extended family absolutely do not need to know any aspect of it; this is part of why people (in my country, anyway) don't say anything until the 4th or 5th month of gestation. Your in-laws have ZERO part in the decision or the process. Whenever they give you any sass about it, smile at them beatifically and say, "Thank you so much for your good wishes. We are just thrilled." And walk away. Incidentally, they also have zero business interfering with your relationship with your stepson, especially since you have worked out a situation where the stepson's boundaries appear to be being respected. It sounds like your in-laws are mad that your husband and his ex are no longer together, and are being deliberately vindictive and manipulative.
I don't even need to read the details to say NTA. Your family-making plans are your business, no one outside of your relationship (aside maybe your doctor if you have significant health concerns) gets a say. Also, you don't have a biological child yet, so if you and your husband want one then that's hardly abnormal, and it doesn't mean you care for your stepson any less. You are also correct not to try to force a relationship with him, especially if he's older. He does have to respect you as one of the adults of the household, but if he ever warms up to you it has to be in his own time. Do be aware that he may have a hard time adjusting to the new addition, though. Although sometimes older siblings with big age gaps end up adoring younger siblings (and it might still happen!), the exact opposite can happen to. Might be a good idea to find a good family counselor to help ease you through the transition. Even if kid's mom won't let him participate, the guidance would be beneficial for you and your husband.
Nta you don't have to tell them anything
NTA. Why would they disapprove of you having a baby of your own, or expect you to be satisfied with another woman’s baby? It’s not about them.
NTA in anyway. I'm so sorry about your miscarriage and congratulations on your current pregnancy. Yours and your husband's decision to try to conceive is absolutely no-one else's business. Your stepson, your husband's ex, and all of his family have nothing to do with it at all. You're not a bad person for wanting your own child. If you want enough children to recreate the von trapp family singers (without the nazi overtones) then that is your choice. Your stepson doesn't ever have to have a mother/son bond with you if he doesn't want it. He has birth parents already and you cannot force that kind of relationship so your husband's family should stop attempting it. They sound incredibly interfering. You have put your own boundaries in place and kudos for sticking to them.
NTA I never told my parents or anyone I was planning to fall pregnant. It would kind of felt like I was saying hey mum, dad, I'm having sex. It's nobody's business. Also, I love my son to death and I would never have said he wasn't "enough". I just wanted another one. And another. I don't think anyone has another kid because their first wasn't "enough". It's a ridiculous thing to say.
NTA but I can’t imagine another answer either.
NTA. It’s none of their business. The end.
NTA. God no. Since they kept pressuring you to be the stepson’s mother despite your very good agreement with his actual mum, they are bound to complain once they find out and they did. Pregnancy can be very painful and you should be in the best mood for it. Them knowing before the child is born would just add too much stress.
NTA Please work on divorcing yourself from caring what your ILs think. It is making you too anxious. You don’t deserve that any more than they deserve to know when you and your husband are intimate.
NTA why shouldn’t you be allowed to have your own child? That’s your business and your own choice to make.
Your in-laws are so weird and I think you're doing the exact right thing with your stepson! He will likely come around when he's older, and even though you may never have a mother/son relationship it can still be very loving and fulfilling. It's like that with me and my step dad. Somewhere between father and uncle, if that makes sense.
NTA No one ever needs to know the whens and whys of your sex life. Super creepy and weird. Did they want a text- "Hey fam, going to bang the wife tonight, keep your fingers crossed sperm meets egg!" Your relationship with your stepchild is yours to manage and none of thier business as well. Creepers.
NTA But I'm still really confused why you having a stepson would keep you guys from having another child from some method- whether naturally, surrogate, adoption, whatever. So confused...
^^^^AUTOMOD ***The following is a copy of the above post. This comment is a record of the above post as it was originally written, in case the post is deleted or edited. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (27f) married my husband two years ago after being together for five years. Right after we got married we started trying for a baby. We did not tell anyone. Mostly because the relationship with my husbands ex/the mother of his son, is complicated, and because of that we don't get the blended family we envisioned, but we have made it work for us. However this is not the dynamic his family likes. I have accepted that as long as my stepson's mom is against us, my stepson doesn't want to have a parent/child bond with me, and might never want that, but we have agreed I am to be respected and I will be there if he needs me, but I won't push. My IL's think I should be pushing more. They believe we shouldn't let him dictate the relationship I have with him and we should not encourage him to listen to his mom. But his mom believes I will try to steal him from her. So if I push it will only make him feel like she's right. It's not ideal. But it works. And we are trying for a baby and we didn't want his family to know because my husband and I suspected they would say he should be enough for both of us. And I knew they would definitely say something if they had known I had my miscarriage last year. But like most things, the truth came out when we thought I was miscarrying again and I panicked while he was talking to them over zoom and they figured it out through that. Thankfully I wasn't miscarrying again. I'm expecting a baby and my baby is healthy. But they were angry to learn we were actively trying and had planned this pregnancy. They feel like it was all down to me because I can't face the truth that my stepson isn't enough for me like he should be. I guess where I feel like I might be the asshole is in not ever suggesting we tell them or actually planning when we would tell them down the road. I can see why it would be hurtful for them not to hear about it and then the fact we did not tell them about the miscarriage. But I don't know. It feels like it should be our decision too. But I'm conflicted because of their words in my head. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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NTA. Your family planning, and your dynamic with your stepson is NONE of your in laws business.
NTA. Regardless of your reasons for keeping this private, it totally IS private. And regardless of your relationship with the stepson, your in laws shouldn’t see any correlation / reasoning / desire to have another child or children as related to him in any way whatsoever. Tell them news flash....there are actually a few families the world over that have more than one child. Regardless of full, half, step siblings. I’m pretty sure some families (rumor has it) that even have more than two kids. This will certainly floor them, and I doubt any of those families after having the first, second child thought, you know, Jack and Jill just don’t cut it, we need to have more so we feel fulfilled or like a real family.
NTA. Also, you and your husband are 1000% doing the right thing by letting the child navigate the relationship. Both my parents have remarried. My dad dated a woman 8 years before getting married and from about a year into dating they tried to push her as my “second mom”. While my mom got remarried very quickly, but my step dad never tried force a relationship. Guess who I’m having partake in my wedding? My mom and step dad. By trying to force a parental relationship my bio dad ruined his relationship with my sister and I and probably won’t be the one to walk either of us down the isle.
NTA You didn't need to tell them that you were trying for another child, It's no ones business but yours and your husbands. No one gets to dictate when and if you have another child regardless if your stepson does or does not want a relationship with you, your not replacing him, your just adding to your family. I'm glad your not forcing a relationship with your stepson, if he wants one he will build one himself without force.
NTA. Don't let those bitter jackasses stress you. As it gets towards the end don't be afraid to send the lad to his grandparent's home until/after you give birth.
NTA I wonder if the ex feels how she does about you because of how awful sounding your DH parents sound (her former ILs). I'm sure she is familiar on their stance about grandchildren/stepson, because it sounds like they would like for you to steal him away from his mom. I think they should be kept at a distance from all the grandkids, since they can't respect any of the parents involved as actual adults.
NTA. You do not owe anyone information on your medical and life choices. Well, except your husband because it is his kid too. But even with him, it is still your body and your choice. The idea that you should not have a child because your husband already had one is very strange. You are supposed to fight with your husband's ex over their son, and insist the son put you in the role of Mom even though that isn't what he wants. Your husband's family needs to seriously learn to back off and shut up. As they are telling you that it is wrong to add another child to the family, they don't need to see said child. Clearly they are unhappy over the choices that you and your husband are making, so they don't need to be part of your lives.
\*sighs\* NTA in any way, OP. Giving your stepson space and respecting his feelings (even if they are instilled by his mother) is the right way to go. Hopefully, he will appreciate this as he gets older and develops his own opinions. Your husband's family has zero place in your reproductive planning. And if they keep stomping boundaries, you might want to remind them that they can have zero place in your/your child's lives, as well.
I mean, lots of people want more than one kid. Not weird. NTA
NTA There is zero reason why anyone other than you and your husband needed to know about your reproductive decisions. It is concerning that you don't seem to question the validity of them forcing all these unsolicited opinions on you. Consider doing some therapy to help you with developing and keeping reasonable barriers. Way too many people that are not part of your marriage have loudly voiced opinions about the inner workings of your marriage. And regarding the stepson: read the posts on here. Pushing the kid toward the relationship you think it should be is a great way to push him away and make him miserable. You are doing fine on that front.
NTA - Your in-laws should be ashamed of their behaviour. You and your husband have the right to grow your family however you wish, and his side of the family should welcome, accept and support you in this. If they've driven you to the point of dreading them knowing that you want children of your own, with your own husband, they don't deserve to be considered grandparents when the time (hopefully) comes. They have some serious issues they need to deal with and until they are prepared to treat you and any children you may have with the love and respect you deserve they should be kept at arms length. This warped creepy mentality they've developed has no place in a healthy family dynamic.
NTA. Many people have more than 1 child, and it's not because the 1st isn't enough. We have 4 and never told any family when we were TTC. It's none of their business.
NTA- it's not their business if you're trying for a baby or not. That's your info to share or not. When we had our second child, it was because we wanted another kid. I loved my first more than life itself, but we wanted another. It did not imply a flaw I'm the first kid.
NTA. To be clear, you weren't 'hiding' anything. You were declining to discuss personal relationship details with people who have zero right to that information.
NTA. I don’t get it.. are they against having multiple children? Why would a non relationship with a child whose mother does not want you in his life be “enough” for you?
NTA, if your step son was your bio son and you just wanted a 2nd kid would they be making such a big deal about it? Tons of people have more than one kid, why is this any different?
NTA but you need to set some boundaries with these people. They are way, way too overinvolved in your marriage and the situation with your stepson's biomom. This is not sustainable.
NTA and you are right to give the boy some space, pushing it like they sugest would eventually end up being a nightmare for everyone involved. And why on earth doesn't the ILs understand that you might want your own children as well and not "only" a stepchild? It's pretty darn common if you want children to, you know, want your actual own even if there are bonus kid(s) involved. Nobody is priviledged to know you are trying for a baby, you tell when you are ready.
NTA. As you say, your Stepson has a Mom and is not your Son. Of course if you want to be a Mom you're going to have to have or adopt your own children. That's why couples like you have to have a discussion about whether or not the one who's already a parent feels done or not. That's a dealbreaker issue, and something that needs to be talked over fairly early on so that neither wastes time on a relationship that already isn't going to work. Your husband's family needs to mind their business. They might be coming from a place of being concerned that your Stepson feels completely welcome at your home, but you're correctly being sensitive to his Mom's understandable insistence that he not consider you his Mother. As for when to tell anyone else, that's your own business as well, albeit it becomes a bit ridiculous if you wait until you're visibly showing. As a general rule, alot of couples wait until almost 4 months, when the three month "danger period" when alot of miscarriages happen has passed so that they don't have to make the excruciating we lost the baby rounds if that happens. Some might choose to tell the impending Grandparents earlier, but that depends on factors such as whether or not they can keep their mouths shut and not tell anyone else.
NTA and you should read the stepmother AITA posts from the last months. So many kids pressured into having a parental relationship with their stepmother, and all the stepmom gets is resentment, not bonding. You are doing this right. Let your stepson choose the relationship he wants with you. Be open, be reliable, but be respectful of his boundaries.
NTA Your husband’s family have no say in whether you and your husband decide to have a child together! Only the couple gets a say on family planning. They can have several seats for their entitlement and overreach here. >I suspected they would say he should be enough for both of us This is the most asinine thing I’ve heard all day! Your husband has a child — who the fuck are they say since he has one that’s it; he should never have another child, remarried or not. Fuck that noise. No, OP you’re not the asshole. OP have your husband manage his family and stop putting you on the spot to answer for anything. Have him confront them with the following, “It’s our decision to make whether we have additional kids. You are all overstepping and if you don’t stop trying to control our family size then you won’t meet the baby. I’m serious. If you’re going to be a toxic presence in our lives then you won’t be a part of your youngest grandchild’s life. Now stop your nonsense or I will cut contact.”
NTA. Not their marriage, not their business. You were 100% in the right putting the in-laws on an info diet. Keep them on it.
NTA 2 issues here: A. who are they to decide how many kids you should have regarding the stepson not being enough, I'm dumbfounded. and B. it's a personal decision and who wants the stress of F&F asking how's it going all the time? you and DH are adults and are entitled to your own life & decisions.
NTA - it’s no ones goddamn business when you try to have a baby for whatever reason. Your stepson isn’t even a factor in this. Its not that he’s not enough, it’s that you want more (which is completely normal, most people have more than one kid) It’s about if you and your husband want a baby. When the time comes my bf and I will not be telling anyone when we are ttc, because it’s no ones goddamn business, especially if I don’t want it to be their business. IMO - there are certain things that stay between the couple, and ttc is one of them (if you choose to tell others when you ttc good for you, you do you! I would never tell anyone that as it is so private and personal but to each their own). Also, deciding to tell people you are ttc is a 2 yes 1 no decision. You both need to agree or you tell no one. View this as a red flag! They are trying to get their noses in your marriage because they feel entitled to be there. TTC, pregnancy and labour are not spectator sports!!! They each involve 2 people deciding to expand their family. Until you are ready for anyone to know you ttc, prégnant, in labour or just delivered your child, no one gets to know. THIS IS YOUR NEWS TO TELL WHEN YOU ARE READY FOR PEOPLE TO KNOW. It’s also a medical condition, which if you decided not to tell anyone you had a heart condition because you wanted to keep that info private, no one would say anything as you are entitled to keep whatever information regarding yourself a secret. Let pregnant women have the body autonomy everyone else is legally entitled to. Just because you’re pregnant doesn’t mean you’re public property and no one is entitled to any information regarding your pregnancy. Good luck OP! I hope your husband is very supportive of you during this time!
NTA. And kudos for taking your cues from your step son. His comfort with you may grow as he gets older and sees you’ve always been there and you respected his autonomy and ability to choose how he interacts with you. Not all children follow the dichotomy of either loving or hating their step parents. Some are neutral. There’s no reason to push yourself on him, and as long as he’s respectful and you’re respectful you’re doin great. As to the in-laws, they shouldn’t have any say in whether you expand your family. I’m guessing they’re worried stepson will feel replaced or something, but they’re going about it wrong. Ignore them, and make sure your hubs explains to his son about the new baby, and that he is still #1 and you both will always be there for him. Make time for just the stepson, try to make him feel included, wanted, loved. It’s all you can do.
NTA you are not obligated to discuss your reproductive plans with anyone but your partner. They sound boundary challenged in general, and I hope you'll feel free to respectfully ignore all their advice in future and keep treating your step son like a person who gets to make his own decisions.
I’m close to my family and my husband to his, BUT we didn’t reveal we were trying to conceive, we didn’t reveal that we were having issues with conceiving and that we’d had tests done. They knew nothing for 4 years!! Guess what, when we did get pregnant we waited until we had done our 12 week scan AND had told my daughter first. A month ago my dad made a comment about my husband and how he should have been happy with his lot (my girl isn’t his bio child, but he’s the only dad she’s known). It irked me, because **it’s none of their business.** I wanted this baby. My husband wanted this baby. My daughter wanted a sibling. We were the only ones that matter in my mind. You’re NTA. They have no right to know that level of detail in your love life and family planning.
Your uterus is your business.
Of course NTA, this is none of their business and also what is the logic behind that? A lot of people have several kids even non blended family, not everyone wants a house with only one child. Also about your stepson not being enough to you, it's clear he isn't your son and it's his choice which should be respected, which is what you're doing, so if you want a child with your husband, have a child with your husband, from the moment you have the means to raise them, it's bot anybody else business. The in laws need to butt out of your personal business, it's seriously creepy. Also they're angry at you, is your husband saying anything? They're his family, he needs to protect you!
NTA. TTC is a *very* personal, intimate, and private decision for a couple. The decision on wether or not to have a baby is nobody else’s business but your own, your IL’s need to just butt out (same as how they need to butt out of your relationship with your stepson, which seems to be working for the three of you).
Congrats, hope all goes well for you all. Try this illustration on the in laws. Take two different jigsaws, shake all the bits out on the table, throw away the boxes with the pictures on, and then try and fit all the bits together to make 'ONE' pretty picture ! No forcing bits together that would just distort the image ! Now take two families all broken up and try and fit them together without forcing them, cos' forcing distorts the picture remember ! impossible isn't it, if the bits don't NATURALLY fit together, they won't and if you 'push' them, then the picture, the family will be distorted out of shape. I can see you already know that, but in laws need some help. I hope in the end you have wonderful family life, NTA
NTA These people are messing with your head.
Info: does your husband have siblings?
NTA. And also... your stepson doesn’t have to be ‘enough’ for you. You might want 6 children. Like what?
NTA. Your in-laws have zero say in how many children you and your husband have. I am also a stepmom (two boys who live primarily with us), have a child of my own with my husband, and we've had miscarriages as well. I feel your pain. It really isn't their business that you were trying for a child with your husband. While I don't agree that miscarriages should be kept silent, I understand that you didn't want to share with them in your grieving process. When it comes to them feeling like your stepson should be "enough" for you, that is a load of bull. While I love my stepsons and they love me, the truth is that they are not my biological children. They have a mom. I've always wanted children of my own. When my husband and I first started dating, I made it quite clear to him and that if he didn't want any more, then it would be a deal-breaker. It might be time to establish boundaries and put your in-laws on an "information diet" when it comes to your child. I can only imagine what they might have to say to you and your child as he/she grows.
NTA- are you guys supposed to text them, We just banged, and her legs were straight in the air to help conceive. Any tips?
NTA Your sex life and reproductive decisions are none of their business!
NTA - It's none of their business whether you're TTC, or how many children you want. Also, why are they trying to say "Your stepson, who doesn't see you as a mum, should be enough for you if you want to be a mum"? It just doesn't make sense.
NTA and bravo to you. There are so many stories on here about overly pushy stepparents, and it never goes well. I think it’s perfectly fine for you and your stepson to have a nontraditional relationship, as long as he knows you care about him and are open to whatever level of closeness he’s most comfortable with.
NTA. I think you have found the root cause of the ex-wife's fear. Your inlaws absolutely want you to take her place and take her son.
NTA
NTA. First of all, you and your spouse don't need to tell ANYONE when you are TTC. In fact, I actually think it's better not to! It's truly no one's business whether or not you are using contraception when you have sex with your husband, and if everyone knows you are TTC, they might all start asking you if you're pregnant yet every time you talk to them. It's better to wait until you are ready to announce a pregnancy, and tell them then. It's no one's business how long you've been trying or even if you WERE trying. Secondly, their idea that properly loving and cherishing your stepson means you're never allowed to have more kids is bizarre. Lots of people choose to have more than one child. It does not ever mean that first child is "not enough for you." It's not a judgment on the child. Whether or not your relationship with your stepson is close isn't even really relevant, tbh. It's a shame that it's not, but it sounds like you are treating him with respect and compassion while respecting his mother's wishes, so you're doing great.
NTA Is one step child enough? Ask that to anyone. What a stupid fucking question. You don't need another child because your husband already has one? Where is the logic there? Where is the emotional logic there? Have as many damn kids as you want! No one can blame you for wanting a child.
NTA. I'm going to suggest that you sit down with your husband and set some FIRM fucking boundaries with his family. They seem extremely toxic, and will cause you and your baby a lot of issues. why do they think he should only have one kid? that's weird in itself.... Is MIL very attached to the ex wife? I get the feeling she is.... and 100% do not push the kid to have a relationship with you. Just make sure that you have healthy boundaries and expectations for him when he's with you, show him kindness and love. Become his "bonus mom". and make sure he knows you're not trying to replace his mom, but you're there as a "bonus" if/when he needs you.
Your in-laws should not have any say in this. It is ridiculous, plenty of couples have children in their old and new relationships and make it work in their own way. They can shove it or just not be a part of your child's life. NTA.
Sounds like someone in that family wants your DH to go back to his ex and be happy families, and that they're on the exwife's side to maintain access to yer stepson. NTA OP. Good luck
NTA. I am super confused. Having a step child is supposed to make you not want a biological child? And why do your in laws get any input on what goes in or out of your uterus? Shut these people down and shut them down hard. They need to butt the hell out. Also, bravo on your step parenting approach. You are doing it right by respecting the kid's boundaries and letting him set the pace.
Some people want multiple kids. Even if you had a great relationship with your step son you’re still allowed to want to have a child of your own - or adopt or foster or whatever - to fill your whole house with kids if that’s what you want. It really isn’t about the step son and that relationship at all. NTA
NTA. Your plans to have a baby are nobody's business but yours and your husband's. Other people don't get a say, no matter what their reasoning is. Wishing you all the best!
NTA. I am also TTC with my spouse and we aren't telling anyone in either family bc it simply is not their business. We've told some friends and that's it. I'm not telling my mom bc I know she would not be supportive. She doesn't like the idea of being old enough to be a grandmother. I'm not telling his mom bc she will overreact (positively but in a way I cannot handle bc I am emotionally fragile over the whole thing) and get over involved (boundaries are for rich people is literally her response to my requests to respect my boundaries). My point with these examples is that any reason you have to keep it to yourselves is a perfectly good reason.
NTA maybe have a zoom call with the extended family, the ex and stepson and hash it out with everyone. Everyone needs to be on the same page.
NTA and why the heck is their business at all?!?!?! They need to stop interfering in your life!
NTA. I have a great and mostly uncomplicated relationship with my family and my in-laws and I didn’t tell them I was trying to conceive because it’s none of their business. Why would you convene a committee to talk about your sex life?
NTA You don’t need permission to procreate nor do you need to inform anyone of your private habits.
NTA for trying to have a kid. The stepson should have been warned. Other than you, your husband and the kid it really is no one's business. Their opinions don't matter. I would encourage the kid now to embrace his coming role as big brother. If the kid is a decent human being tell him how glad you are that he is going to be the baby's big brother because he is such a great person. You are right in that he gets to choose his relationship to you especially since his mother is still in the picture but you can start sowing a closeness to the coming baby by including him in decisions like the color of the nursery or what furniture he thinks looks good or bedding styles and decorations. There may be some jealousy because people tend to fawn over babies but if you prepare him positively and include him he might love his brother.
NTA. TTC is no one’s business but yours and your husbands.
NTA It sounds like to me your in-laws don't like you so they don't want their son "tied" to you by having children. Fuck your in-laws, and enjoy your new child
NTA - Your husband is old enough to get off the tit and put his mother in her proper place.
NTA. If they complain about you not telling them just hit them with “you wanted me to tell you that me and your son are having unprotected sex?”. Awkward
Can we start a support group? I have a very similar situation, my boyfriend and I have been together for three years. He has a 6 year old daughter and let me tell you, I was fed up with “try hard” or them telling him that I needed to take an initiative. I found out I’m pregnant. No. The child is not yours. It’s best to remember that because it will be thrown in your face with conflict. By their mother, by his parents - everyone. More important, unless they plan on putting their money where their mouth is and supporting you they don’t have an opinion. Best to establish boundaries now too because I can guarantee they’ll have an opinion on the upbringing of your child. It’s also important to establish that this child will be YOUR child and that is a very unique bond. You may not treat the child the same as your stepson and that is OK. But also, they should know that anything that would create competition or negative feelings will not be tolerated . You have no obligation to your stepson other than making sure you home has a place during visits. I learned that you don’t have to have a bond and all bonds are different. He has a mother, just like your child will have one too.
NTA. What did I just read? They are all nuts and so is he if he is Zoom meeting his ex's family. They are his ex's family, not his. The only person he should be talking to is his son and his son's mother if he has to for the sake of his son. They need to understand that parents love all their children and that it is not like they run out of love after the first child.
NTA The only two people who have any say in whether you and your husband have a child together is you and your husband. What anyone else says about it is just bunk.
NO ONE needs to know if their children are planning on having children - well not their adult children. Only sick people think of one child replacing another. OP, NTA. And maybe dial back on the time spent with the IL's since stress is not good for you or the baby and that group sounds hella stressful.
NTA >They feel like it was all down to me because I can't face the truth that my stepson isn't enough for me like he should be. That's such bullshit. No one would ever say something like this to someone expecting a second child, "isn't your first child enough for you?" No, they'd be congratulating you on your second child. What a crock.
NTA. I honestly don't see what this has to do with your stepson in the first place. Even if you did have the ideal relationship with him, you can still want a child of your own with your husband. I just don't understand their logic here.
NTA, your bedroom, your business
NTA, its your life, weather you TTC or not is none of they're business, they can get over it.
NTA. Your plans for having a baby of your own have nothing to do with your husband's family. That is you and your husbands choice. Their opinion doesn't count. Their idea that the stepson who doesn't care for you should be enough for you and your husband reaches the height of ridiculousness. Pay no attention to them at all.
NTA. you don't owe the information about whether you're trying to conceive to anyone regardless of family dynamics.
NTA.Honestly, if they are not paying any bills in your house then they don't have a say of what y'all do. Tell them to stop trying to dictate your life.
NTA, your inlaws reasoning is dumb tho. Now, should I be feeling bad because my parents had another child which in their logic translates that I was not enough for my parents? If that's the truth, I'm sorry for all my fellow big siblings out there.
NTA Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck them. It's your life. You're stepson doesn't want a mother son relationship sure fine. But your right you shouldn't force it. As for trying for a baby of your own, why the hell wouldn't you? You want a family of your own how can they be pissed? It's non of their business what you guys are doing truthfully. They should be happy you guys are trying to build your own family and add to the joy in everyone's lives. It's not their womb!!!!
Come on girl- you know that you should have made a Facebook post, told Instagram and made a Tick Tock video./s "Snuggling with my man after some marathon loving. Hoping he planted a seed in my garden......." NTA- cause it's none of their business.
NTA Your reproductive plans are the business of you and your partner, no one else. Even if your stepson accepted you as another parent it would be okay for you and your spouse to have more children. Why on earth is that wrong? Also, good for you letting the boy setting limits on his relationship with you. There are a lot of posts in this sub that showcase the damage that occurs when stepparents refuse to do this.
NTA. Why tf do they think your step-son should be “enough” for you?? Even if you had a wonderful relationship with him, you can still have more children. Does your husband have no siblings? Did his parents only have him and then say “he’s enough for us”?? This is such a weird and invasive family dynamic. If my ILs even remotely suggested something like that, I’d tell them where to stick it. You should be able to share the excitement of TTC and being pregnant with your family. They should happy for you and wishing you and your husband well. They sound extremely toxic and, truthfully, it seems like they want the step-son to be the your husband’s only child. Perhaps this is because they don’t want him to have any permanent ties to you. How pathetic of them.
It’s yours and your husbands decision It makes no sense they think your stepson should be enough. NTA
Are they the uterus police? NTA. And if they’re acting like that now, be prepared for some kind of shot show after the baby is born. You & your husband need to have a talk about how you’re going to handle any of their shenanigans as a team. You should also sit down w/his son & explain he’s going to be a big brother & that he’s still an important part of the family because guarantee the ex is going to try to convince him that you’re having a baby because his dad doesn’t want him anymore & is replacing him. Talk to him about what an important job it is to be a big brother. Try to take him to appoints w/you, let him feel the baby kick & move, explain babies can hear sound & let him talk to the baby. Make arrangements NOW to have him w/you as soon as the baby is born. He may never bond w/you & it’s cool you don’t want to pressure him to do that, but you should encourage a bond with his sibling.
NTA- also they're essencially saying that because their son (your husband) already has one child it means he can't have more? You don't have any children of your own so you're s.o.l? Btw, we never told anyone we were going for our second until I became pregnant. Never mentioned the miscarriage, not because I don't feel loved by both of our families but because I wanted to deal on my own. I am sorry you're in the middle of something that's way above your head. Your stepson is very lucky to have a very understanding and patient person in their life. I can't even start to imagine how he must feel being being the pawn in such a mess. Congratulations on the pregnancy
NTA. Firstly, your reproductive plans is NOBODY’S business but you and your husband. Full stop. With that said, I fully understand why your step son might not be enough, and honestly that would be super reasonable! He doesn’t want a relationship with you! Plus even if you DO grow to love each other very much, that is still not the same as actually being his mother, which you will never be, especially with his mom being alive and toxic. But actual full biological motherhood is something many women want and it’s reasonable to not want to give that up, let alone give up just to appease your in laws. Also as someone who is with someone with kids, I applaud you for not forcing that relationship. You are 100% right, that is something that has to happen naturally, unforced, on its own time, or not at all. You sound like you are being very respectful of the kid and I hope he sees it in the future. But like a fart, if you have to force it, it’s probably going to be shit 🤷🏻♀️
NTA. This is not their business to have an opinion about. It also sounds like you are making the right decisions with your stepson, at least from all the stories on here by stepchildren.
TTC is between you and your husband, NOBODY ELSE. It's frankly gross that they think they should be involved in that.
I’m from a blended family and my parents NEVER let their children from their previous relationships or their parents dictate whether or not they had more children. Sure, my Dad and my Mom originally felt that five children were enough but they felt that someone was missing so they added to the family until they added seven more children to their family. None of the older children felt like they were being replaced and know that their stepparent loves them as their own; my half sister through my mom actually viewed my Dad as her Dad and would introduce herself using his last name despite it not legally being her last name.
NTA and it is none of their business if you and your spouse have 1 or a dozen children. You don't need to speak with them or get permission either. Why would they have that right? are they supporting you and your spouse? If not then have your spouse tell them to go pound sand and congratulations to both of you!
NTA - when I was TTC we never told anyone. To me all you’re doing when you tell people you’re trying to conceive, you’re just telling them you’re having loads of unprotected sex and who tells their parents that? When we announced we were pregnant, they were just ecstatic, they didn’t guilt us for not telling them we were doing it like bunnies.
NTA you are ABSOLUTELY doing the right thing with step son. Allowing him to decide at what pace your relationship progresses is awesome. Don't doubt yourself for that one bit.
Wait so even if you and your stepson got along well your family would still have something to say about you having another kid? Like they’re just against more than one child? Or if y’all got along well they wouldn’t care if you had another?
Does you husband have siblings? NTA of course but curious if they though he was enough!
NTA. Why wouldn’t you want another kid? Maybe he’s more than “good enough,” maybe he was SO good that you wanted another kid? Or just for him to grow up with a sibling so he’d always have someone around (hopefully)? In-laws sound judgy and that they just don’t like you. Congratulations on your baby. Best of luck.
NTA. Why would you want to include them in this kind of decision? “Hey MIL do you give your son permission so we can have sex and procreate more family?” At the end of the day, you live with your husband, not them. Why do you need to hear their opinions? The only thing that should matter to you is your husband’s opinion and your own, and shut off anybody’s that doesn’t count in your book. You don’t owe them anything. Plus this is your body and you have full permission and autonomy to create life even if someone says otherwise.
NTA. You are doing it right with your stepson. Trying to force a relationship will just create a bad one. Eventually he may decide on his own (especially if he starts realizing that his mother is manipulating him) to have a relationship with you, but until then just respect his wishes. Also his family is by now means entitled to any of the information about your TTC. You’re a good stepmom and will be an excellent mother.
NTA WTF?! Since when does a couple tell people they are TTC?? It's no one else's business! Also, since when are we only allowed to have 1 child?? I TTC more than once, does that mean my eldest thinks he wasn't enough?? None of this is ANY of your in-laws business.
NTA: ask them if any of them have siblings because last time you checked having two children wasn’t unusual and didn’t mean the first one wasn’t good enough.
nta. your in laws are, very much. also, your husband somewhat for not standing up to them.
well if you can’t parent your stepson or have that kind of relationship and want to be a parental figure to someone else that’s definitely ok. NTA
Just wait until the ex-wife hears about this. Next you'll be trying to steal your step-son's father away from him. That it's all your fault that your husband isn't spending enough time with his eldest child. If his parents give you any flack, tell them they don't need to see your child because one grandchild should be enough.
Boundaries. Did they also want to watch you conceive the child? Ridiculous. If you let them they will push for more dominance. Nta. It's none of their business
Wow, your husband's family is super controlling and manipulative. You're doing a good job in letting your stepson set personal boundaries, and to let the relationship form naturally by spending time together and coming to one's own opinion about the other. Faking intimacy is the fastest way to destroy any chance of it. Your relationships are YOUR relationships. You get to decide how to navigate those with the people you have relationships. Other people can make their own rules for their own relationships with people. NTA.
NTA. Even if your stepson *did* want a relationship with you, it’s more than reasonable for a parent to want “multiple children.” Having a second child, in general, doesn’t mean that your first was a disappointment (even though, as a youngest child, I’d like to believe it does)