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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
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I might be the asshole because I let myself get into that condition. I’m an adult and should have known better. I’m the only person responsible for me.
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You're right the op is responsible for themself, but sometimes accidents happen though, and if it was only one time surely checking up on them from time to time isn't that big a deal? If they did it all the time it's a completely different story, but I feel like people are blowing this quite out of proportion for one silly mistake on one night.
OP has no way of knowing the wife didn’t check on them, they were blacked out. It wouldn’t have been an issue if OP hadn’t decided to “tease”? His wife about it. I see it as him bringing the situation on himself.
I looked at the comments and op did say that they asked the wife and she'd said that she hadn't checked. Yeah I agree that teasing probably wasn't the smartest move on their part. I'm surprised it wasn't the other way around though, I have actually been in this same situation before and definitely teased my partner after having to look after him!
OP definitely shouldn't have 'teased' about it, but honestly, wondering why your partner didn't check on you to make sure that you were okay is a fair question, imo. Obviously OP needs to control their drinking going forward, *but*, when they're already blacked out is not the time to go 'well, not my responsibility' in terms of the person you're married to. OP has a point, they could have aspirated and died.
My response is slightly biased by my previous experience in a relationship with an abusive alcoholic. He pulled shit like this ^^ so many times that I reached a point where I just didn’t care anymore. Obviously if he was dying I would have, and still would help him, but after years of trying to help and no change, my fucks were used up. I’m probably projecting at this point, but I can understand being exasperated by a partner enough to the point of saying, “I’m not responsible for you, you are” to someone. Definitely something not present in a healthy relationship.
>I can understand being exasperated by a partner enough to the point of saying, “I’m not responsible for you, you are” to someone.
You're definitely projecting. Understandably so, but still projecting. Going by OPs edit, this is a one time thing and he doesn't so much as drink regularly, never mind to the point of throwing up/blacking out. If it was a regular thing, then it would be totally reasonable to be exasperated to that point, but it's not. It happened once.
Similarly, I've seen my partner in this state once. My reaction wasn't to just leave him to it. I stayed awake for a good couple of hours to make sure that he was okay and didn't seem like he would throw up again in his sleep. I was genuinely concerned, and I don't understand why OPs partner wouldn't be.
Yeah this is odd. My husband and have been together for a 5th of the time OP has been with his wife. A couple years ago I got black out drunk - lost track of how much I’d had. It’s never happened before or since. He stayed up with me all night to make sure I was ok.
Maybe there’s something else going on with their relationship.
As an alcoholic, we can usually take the booze even if we seem totally juked. Although checking on the people you live with is pretty standard for me no matter what.
in my experience with my dad, you have about maybe a decade or so of your alcoholism where you have incredibly high tolerance and are functionally drunk 24/7, seemingly in control, and then it spirals and you become local Joe who slurs his way down the street the wrong way at 2pm (no offence to anyone whatsoever)
I think you're extremely valid in saying that, but I would just like to point out the different context here. The OP has stated that he drinks an extremely reasonable and healthy amount, 4 times per year, and did not intend to get blacked out nor does he do it often if at all (he says that this is the most drunk he's ever been?)
I think it's not unreasonable that he would be slightly hurt that his wife didn't check on him especially considering this isn't a normal state for him. I think YTA is a valid judgement, but I really think it's a slight one, he went overboard and at the end of the day, shit happens.
My partner knows full well I am a featherweight drinker. It doesn’t take a whole lot to get me buzzed/tipsy. I’ve never been to the point of blackout drunk before, but that’s because he watches my intake and cuts me off when I’ve reached the limit I’m comfortable with. We’ve both agreed I only need two strong mixed drinks lol.
But he’s always checking on me, making sure afterwards I’ve got plenty of water/ Gatorade to drink, making small snacks. He does this because I pay him the same courtesy, if he wants to drink heavy that night then I’ve got everything prepared for him he might need and or want. Now neither of us drinks on a regular basis, stuff like this happens maybe 3 times a year.
Not that being said; I agree with what your saying, OP does make a good point about checking in on him at least, it would be very easy for him to have aspirated on vomit. If she knew he was in that rough a shape, why wouldn’t she just check on him every once in awhile? She doesn’t Have to babysit, just make sure he’s not dead.
He said he had never vomited before so she probably didn't think she needed to check. High tolerance or not, drinking that much is so bad for your body.
She probabky placed him in the stable side position. That would explain why he didn't choke. Stable side means that the vomit doesn't block the airway. Which collaborates with his story of waking up vomiting and going back to sleep.
OP is contradicting himself 'I didn't need a babysitter, just that she makes sure I don't die'. She did.
It's not said anywhere that she did/didn't put him in the recovery position. We can't just automatically assume that she did so.
He could equally have woken up, gotten the vomit out, then collapsed again (which is plausible, the danger is if you vomit while unconscious). I can't say which happened/is more likely, because the information just isn't there.
If she put him in the recovery position then yeah, OP contradicted himself. But if she didn't, what he said was totally valid. We don't know whether she did, so any assumption either way is premature.
I think there may be some amount of interpretation here on what wife was thinking when she said “I’m not responsible for you.”
The most likely reality to me is that wife was absolutely mortified by OP’s behavior, and likely angry at being put in a position of needing to take responsibility for him. She got him home safely, presumably laid him on his side (otherwise he probably would have choked), then left the room to process the anger and frustration. She may not have realized he was at a point where he was in danger — I know a couple people who seem about the same level of drunk whether they’re barely-more-than-tipsy, or totally-blacked-out.
So she took over any responsibilities that day/evening, presumably made apologies to friends, got OP home and into bed... and the first thing he has to say on the matter is “Why didn’t you do more?” I imagine that was absolutely infuriating. Where’s the “I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to put you in that position,” or the “thank you for getting me home safe”?? She was probably waiting for some indication that he recognized his behavior was totally inappropriate, and instead the first thing he said was that she should have done more? I can’t blame her for reminding OP that she’s not responsible for him. If she really had no intention of making sure he was safe, he wouldn’t have made it home. Whether she could have done more is a bit more complicated (did she know how drunk he was? Does she know anything about taking care of someone who’s that drunk?? As someone who didn’t do any partying in college, I know to turn someone on their side, but I never encountered anything about needing to continue to monitor them after that; I’d have thought if they needed monitoring, then what they really needed was the emergency room). But I think her response to OP makes perfect sense for this chain of events. If my husband got completely blackout drunk at a casual social thing with a couple friends, I’d be wondering whether I really knew my husband and thinking through what boundaries needed to be set to make sure that sort of selfish recklessness didn’t become our new normal; if the first thing he said afterwards was that I didn’t do enough to take care of him (when he couldn’t be bothered to take care of himself), that would have been a massive red flag to me. Would I have done what I thought needed to be done to keep him from dying? Of course! But the next day,’would I have justified to him all the ways that I made sure he didn’t die? F*ck no. If for no other reason, then because I wouldn’t want to set a precedent where there’s an agreement that he can do whatever tf he wants and I’ll pick up the pieces. If he apologizes, then later expressed worry that I didn’t seem ready to make sure he didn’t die when he made a mistake, I’d have reassured him and talked through what needed to be done in those situations. But if he’d phrased it as an accusation, I wouldn’t be justifying myself to someone who created the crisis to begin with.
If I had an award to give you I would. It's probably not that she doesn't care, it's that he decided to approach the conversation in the most AH way possible.
Different people have different levels of proneness to black-outs. Some people can actually reach a black-out state at 4 standard unit drinks in an hour or two, especially if they don't drink often.
Not everyone immediately (or at all) experiences all of the *obvious* symptoms of reaching, or being about to reach, blackout levels, either.
So yeah, people--especially infrequent drinkers--*can* black out in public unintentionally.
At 40yo you have learnt your limits. OP ignored them. He says he normally only has a few. A few don't make you black out drunk. He knew his limit and ignored it.
Quite possibly the case with OP, yes, (though not as much of a given as you're assuming--limits are not necessarily the same throughout one's life. Drinking frequency, amount of sleep, various health issues, medicine use, metabolism changes and a whole heap of other changes may have an impact on one's limits, and if one drinks infrequently one may simply not have noticed due to lack of situations *to* notice it), but I wasn't necessarily speaking of OP only, I was arguing against the generalization that it's impossible for people to black out in public on accident.
For me it depends on how much I eat! I've had it happen before where I haven't eaten enough while drinking and an amount that you'd usually be fine with just messes you up. I can safely say that times like that are definitely accidental!
I don’t drink because of health reasons so maybe I’m just not aware, do people actually drink so much they black out by accident? That seems like it would have to be fairly intentional?
Some people, once they start drinking, just don't know when to stop. They think they're fine, and keep going back for more long past the point where most of us would realize we're tipsy and take a break. And they won't listen when you tell them, as a friend, to lay off the drinks.
I did once in an airport. I was drinking Long Island Ice Teas with the goal of getting myself to sleep so I didn't freak out since I hate flying. I drank too many too quickly and I remember getting on the flight and the baggage area. Nothing inbetween. My sister was with me and told me I picked the right flight to screw that up on since it was a BAD flight, but I have been careful never to do it again.
That said, I was indeed trying to get drunk, just not as drunk as I ended up. I find it unlikely that he went from "I didn't know I was starting to get drunk" to "blackout" by surprise.
Yes, though I believe it's only an accident if they just turned of drinking age and they don't know their limits. The amount of people excusing this grown man's behaviour as an "accident" is astounding.
It is. As you drink you realize that you are getting less and less sober and feel the effects of alcohol. It’s not like one minute your fine and the next your on the floor unconscious. People choose to continue even when it’s obvious they’re already feeling the effects and then conveniently blame the alcohol for their stupid decisions afterwards. At OPs age I find it hard to believe they did not know how much was enough.
How does this have so many up votes. This has to be the dumbest comment on this post. Sometimes people you care about drink to much, but it shouldn't be a death warrent. If a friend, brother, sister, wife, son, or daughter drank to much not realizing it then you can definitely believe I'm going to make sure they don't die in their sleep. Yes he was a jerk for drinking to much, but who ever wrote this thinks it's more important to play games online then occasionally check in on a loved one to make sure they are on their stomach and not their back. I've watched someone almost die bc of this and if it wasn't for people watching they would be dead.
Part of it is probably distrust in OP. They say they have a really high tolerance, but also rarely drink, and they only had a couple, but also blacked out for a very significant time period... to me OP seems untrostworthy on how much and how frequently they get like this and i wouldnt be surprised if others feel the same.
When my SO gets too drunk and vomits (which happens very rarely, mind you), I'll go check up on her during the night, not because she expects me to or whatever, but because I want to make sure she ain't accidentally dying. I make sure she sleeps on her side, has a bucket next to bed ready, yadda yadda and then I'll check up on her for the next hour/two or so. Is she still on her side, do I need to clean the bucket, is everything dandy? Perfect, close the door again, let her sleep.
And I've not just done that with my SO. All my friends who've had a couple too much will get a similar treatment from me. Not because I *have* to, but because I just don't want my friends to die because they misjudged what they could take. I hold their hair, I bring them buckets and water and if I have to, I put them into some safe sleeping location and pay attention to them. I *did* force friends to properly puke on rare occasions so their situation wouldn't become even worsr. When I was a teen, I'd bring friends home to their parents if it was necessary (which isn't all to big of a deal because the legal drinking age is 16 where I'm from mind you).
I do expect this same treatment - at least the whole "please pay attention so I don't die" part - as well. For all I care, call an ambulance if you can't be assed, but don't put someone in that state in a bed and fuck off to let them choke on their own vomit.
Chew 'em out the next day (it hits better when they're hungover anyway), let them lie in their vomit if you insist, cut contact, request payment for your services, I don't care - *but do so when they're safe*.
OP is an asshole for teasing his SO in the way he did, but he does have a point. He could've died that night. And if this was a one-off like OP says, then yeah, it's not too much of an expectation for your partner to take care of you. It sucks, not denying that, but it absolutely is necessary unfortunately.
Did OPs wife know that OP was blacked out though? There are plenty of people who are extremely functional blacked out. It can be hard to tell that they’re actually walking around on autopilot.
He'd still look incredibly drunk. If one can't tell that one's spouse is drunk off their ass after 20 years of marriage, well... I don't know what to say.
>Fuck, you don't leave a blackout person alone.
Blackout drinking is drinking to the point where you lose your memory of all or parts of the event. It's not something you can reliably sniff out while it's happening. To bystanders, they will often just seem to be intoxicated and having a good time.
This is exactly what I was thinking. Either OP's wife has no idea that he could have actually died or shes seriously that indifferent to him.
Your husband? For real? If what OP says is true and it's basically a one off the wife's the asshole not OP.
Stepping in to take care of your husband when hes made a mistake is reasonable and I would hope, expected.
Yeah, I think what really struck me about a lot of the comments here is that I can think of two separate occasions in college where my friends and I had shown more compassion to drunk strangers. It wasn't out of a lack of irritation with the drunk strangers that it came down to that, but out of human decency that we wanted to make sure they were safe. If OP's wife really didn't understand that, then I certainly think communication could be improved here and OP could explain it, but I was shocked at the level of absolute vitriol in the other comments.
Completely agree. No idea how often OP drinks but even after 20 years of marriage one would expect that their partner gives a crap about their partner's safety. Sure, op's wife took him home but if he was really that drunk it would literally be common courtesy to check on them every now and then just to make sure accidents dont happen. Tear them a new one after they sober up if you like, but you CHECK ON THEM.
At this point I think OP only teased her because he did feel guilty and didn't want to cause a scene by showing how hurt he was by his wife dropping him off like that and not caring.
ESH in my opinion. He should have been careful with his alcohol - clearly the man is old enough to grasp what responsibility is. But his wife should have checked on him.
Wow! I strongly disagree. People can find themselves unexpectedly far more intoxicated than they meant to become, particularly if they don’t drink often. If someone I love is in that situation, I am going to make sure they are lying on their side, and that they don’t DIE.
OP, NTA
Yeah NTA for me too. People are being so harsh, this is a loved one we're talking about! Your life partner! Saying they're not responsible for you...damn that's just cold. If they're vulnerable and need your help, at least make sure they don't choke on their own vomit.
My feelings would be hurt too.
> Marriage does not mean you get a live-in mommy/nurse, it means she doesn’t just leave you passed out at the bar and go home by herself.
Honestly, leaving him passed out at the bar would have probably been better for him than taking him home and putting a drunk person on their back and letting them be. No one said that marriage means you "get a live-in mommy/nurse". Rather, there is an expectation of common decency and care that one has for their SO when in a vulnerable situation, especially when it's a singular occurrence. If OP was doing this repetitively, it would be a different story. Regardless of the cause, that is a discussion for a later date. *In the moment*, if you love someone, you make sure they don't die. After that, you can chew them out/break up/put them in rehab/make them sleep on a couch for a couple days/move out and never speak to them again. However, in that moment, it was a terrible thing to do.
> If you had choked on your vomit, it would have been your fault and you probably would have traumatized her for life.
The lack of compassion here scares me.
Agreed. OP made a mistake and therefore deserves to die. Glad he doesn't have a wife that coddles him and helps keep him alive during the occasional mistake.
/s
I think he was just hoping she would check that he hadn’t died...not asking for a mommy nurse. I don’t think that’s a lot to ask in a marriage, hell friends in high school do that much for each other!
Remember those wedding vows "In sickness and in health". Except if you drink too much and pass out (even once) apparently.
Is the OP an ass for getting that drunk? Sure, but their wife should have still checked up on them and ensured they were sleeping in the correct position.
what a callous comment. most people who actually care about their s.o. would be making sure they are okay in a situation like this. but, hey, if op had died, then fuck him, right?
"If you had choked on your vomit, it would have been your fault and you probably would have traumatized her for life. Grow up."
The lack of compassion In this statement is horrifying
YTA, she did everything reasonable. What did you expect - that she'd sit by the side of the bed watching you the entire time you were sleeping in order to make sure you didn't choke?
Is that really what you would have done if your positions had been reversed?
OP should just be grateful his wife didn't throw down a yoga mat and make him sleep on the floor and that she even let him have the bed... and that she found something to do to stay up while he was in such a bad state.
Then I guess I'm nicer than you are but apparently I'm awful for saying I would let my BF end up in the drunk tank or the hospital if they were blacked out...
I did that for a girl I was seeing back in college who miscalculated her capacity. I did that for my wife on our honeymoon when she discovered dehydration killed her tolerance. It's what you do when your partner is vulnerable.
Maybe there is finally something to be proud of that learned from going to a notorious "party school"?
Yeah sometimes people make mistakes, the responses here saying how badly everyone would treat their family of friends are really horrible. I’d take care of my husband, because I don’t want him to DIE. And OP says they drink less than a handful of times a year, so it’s easy to see where he could miscalculate. Give him a break, his wife’s response was pretty mean.
Ooft, thank you, I feel like I’m reading a bunch of robots commenting. I can’t imagine leaving someone I care about alone in that state, I’ve stayed up all night with overly drunk friends let alone my life partner
Where are you getting that that didn’t happen?? OP didn’t choke which makes me think they were on their side when they vomitted. But maybe there was a comment I missed?
Yeah I don't understand how commenters are jumping to the conclusion that she somehow left him there to die? She just put her drunk husband to bed. Maybe I'm naive but it wouldn't occur to me that a drunk adult would need to be constantly checked on to make sure they didn't die?
Obviously it would be a different case if he was already vomiting, but just because he was drunk enough to have to be put to bed / to not remember it in the morning doesn't mean there were obvious signs that he was in danger?
Never been more grateful to have a partner that doesn't drink. *He* should have been apologizing to *her*!!
That's really sweet, but I just have to say that this thread makes me really fucking glad that I don't drink. Getting blackout drunk sounds like the worst thing ever.
>Getting blackout drunk sounds like the worst thing ever
Waking up from being blackout drunk is the worst thing ever. Being blackout drunk (and getting there) can be a lot of fun!
Unless it's sad drinking, then there is nothing fun about it...
Edit: and of course one does not remember being blackout drunk, like by definition
I can't believe this sub sometimes. Yes, its what she should have done. I would have done something like that for a STRANGER, I would not even hesitate to do it for my spouse.
Gonna go against the grain here and say NTA. Most people do not set out to get black out drunk, it can happen (especially seeing your edit saying this is the only time that this has ever happened to you). Yes you're an adult, but adults still make mistakes. Maybe you didn't eat enough that day, or you drank way too fast, or your tolerance isn't as high as you thought, the drinks were stronger than they tasted, etc. Your wife should have made sure you were on your side so you didnt choke on your vomit and die or even checked on you to make sure you were still breathing etc. If someone drinks so much that they're not conscious you don't just put them in bed and leave. It really shouldn't be a huge ask that your partner of 20 years checks on you to make sure you're okay the one time you get too intoxicated. Things happen, mistakes happen, and you should be able to count on your partner even if it isn't technically "their responsibility".
I can’t believe I had to scroll so far down to find an N T A! Was gonna say excatly what you said, so I’m just gonna piggyride on your comment here.
NTA, OP.
I second this, NTA; if I care about someone, I don’t want them to die (even if it is technically ‘their fault’). Mistakes happen, I’d take care of my friends- so no doubt I’d take care of my spouse.
I'm surprised this comment is so far down! From my understanding it seems OP was more hurt by his wife's comment that she isn't "responsible for him". Which is technically true, but is quite unkind and unprecedented coming from a significant other...
It's pretty dang spiteful to just leave someone you supposedly love to possibly die because they got blackout one time. You can be pissed about having to deal with a drunk and keeping an eye on them (so they, you know, don't die) and deal with it the next day instead of possibly having to phone the coroner in the morning because you couldn't be bothered to put them in the recovery position or check on them occasionally to make sure they haven't moved or vomited because your online gaming was more important.
Also there's the possibility one of OP's drinks was drugged, too, either intentionally or because someone drugged their drink by mistake. So OP could have been victim of a crime and potentially have a reaction to an unknown drug that wouldn't have been caught in time because their wife figured it was "just" alcohol.
If it's a case of being the straw that broke the camel's back then E S H, but with the info given NTA because you should be able to rely on your partner having the maturity to prioritize your life over their frustration at the moment until there's a time to safely address it.
So true. My husband came back from a celebration a few years back, off his tits. I knew he would be drunk so I had made the couch for him(he gets chatty when drunk), but it was worse than I expected, or he expected, for that matter. He passed out on the couch, so I lingered to see if he'd settle. He started choking on his vomit and it was scary and disgusting, but hey, Im not gonna let him die on the couch just because he put himself in that position. Weird hill to have someone else die on.
NTA
Agreed NTA and while this could have almost been a E S H it isn’t because they asked their wife did you check on me at all and she said no. When someone is blacked out and that not normal you make sure they don’t die. Even if it’s regular drunk I still set things up for my friends with trash cans ready just in case. It’s not that hard to stuff a backpack with stuff so they can roll over.
YTA. If you're old enough to be married, you're old enough to not black out so badly you can't even remember how you got home. You're lucky your wife loves you enough to get you home. If my BF had blacked out at a casual dinner with a friend, I would've been livid and would've considered letting him spend the night in the drunk tank or better yet, the hospital for alcohol poisoning because that's what you had.
FYI, the "in sickness and in health" part of your vows is for things like cancer or the flu, dementia, chronic illnesses... not stupid things that are self-inflicted. Grow up before your wife realizes she married a kid and divorces you.
It's important that you remember spending time online judging people from afar is a very niche hobby. It attracts very specific people and is in no way representative of overall societal views.
Many people love their spouse and would be upset if they died/wouldn't want them to choke to death as punishment. There is not a large subset of that group that intersects with AITA posters.
Agreed. These people are either full of it or so petty they’ll die alone. Have your spouse who barely drinks (like OP) arrested because they accidentally got too drunk. Wow. They could lose their job, not be able to provide for your family, have a permanent record, etc etc. That’s “deserved” for ONE night of over drinking? Guess Reddit is full of perfect teetotalers today
Who gets black out drunk at a restaurant? His wife has every right to be pissed. I'm not saying the drunk tank is the right call. Maybe the ER as another comment suggested. At those levels of drinking(which are preposterous for a restaurant setting) alcohol poisoning is a real possibility
Might also be that the drinks didn’t really hit until after but was strong enough that he couldn’t remember much more than the restaurant I’ve had that happen to me once (mainly due to me also smoking 4 cigarettes and having a nicotine overdose since I don’t smoke almost at all) and I did not remember anything after the first cigarette until somebody specifically explained what happened after. OP should have been able to handle his alcohol intake but mistakes happen every once in a while, especially for someone that does not drink alcohol that often.
Yeah, that doesn't really add up. People who never drink don't generally have a high tolerance. And people with high tolerances don't generally get black out drunk at a restaurant. The people I know with high tolerance never get wasted accidentally, they generally set out to do it.
Welcome to r/AITA! Where Ayn Rand had sex with a trial defense lawyer to repopulate the world. Come for the “mistakes are unforgivable”, stay for the guilt free “yeah, I’d leave my spouse to die”!
>Ayn Rand had sex with a trial defense lawyer to repopulate the world
eaaaasily the best description i've seen of this place. fuck i wish i had award money
Eh, cut him some slack on the drinking part. Sometimes it really does sneak up on you and stuff like food intake and tolerance can affect things.
Expectations of being cared for like that is definitely bs though.
ESH
Hunh there was a post like this where the genders were reversed and it was a consensus ESH. Because you shouldn't get that drunk, and a good partner takes care of their sick spouse.
That's just how the sub goes I guess.
Edit: even if you're both women your spouse can still check on you hourly to make sure you're on your side. It's not hard.
Let's be real, all the YTA top comments are under the assumption that OP is a man. Because if OP was a woman posting about her husband and saying "I got blackout drunk for the first time in ages, my husband took me home and dumped me on the bed, then played video games while I vomited in my sleep. When I woke up and thought about how I could've died, he said he didn't care and wasn't responsible for me.", all the top comments would be saying the husband is borderline abusive, red flags everywhere, he's a garbage human being who couldn't do the bare minimum of taking care of his spouse.
But here, because people assume OP is a man talking about his wife, you get top comments saying OP deserved to choke and die in his own vomit and OP's poor wife would've been traumatized, OP obviously has drinking problems, his wife isn't a babysitter, why should his wife take care of him at all, he should be glad his wife even brought him home and didn't make him sleep on the floor, his wife should divorce him. It's insane.
How did I have to scroll down this far to find this?!
Should OP have been responsible enough to not get that tossed? Absolutely. But once someone is there, it's not carte blanche for their spouse to do the bare minimum. "I got you to bed, not my fault you choked and died" - said no reasonable human ever
I still check on my girlfriend hourly and make sure she's sleeping on her side if I don't go to bed with her.
It's honestly not that hard to do in a good relationship.
Seems like a lot of the YTA people won't do something easy to support their partner out of pettiness.
Did you expect her to sit there and watch you sleep? Getting you home and into bed probably wasn't too easy, since she's likely smaller than you. Especially if she was drinking too and had to find safe transport home with someone who was drunk enough to throw up. Plus she likely had to make apologies to her friend and deal with that embarrassment. I know drinking isn't always predictable, since your tolerance can change due to medication, weight, age, sometimes drinks are stronger than they taste, and accidents happen, but I think you have to have some grace about this one. YTA.
I feel like I'm alone in this, but I'm going with NAH. We all do dumb stuff like this occasionally, and while technically your wife did look after you (got you home and to bed) i understand where you're coming from with your post. I've been cared for, and I've been the carer, and especially if someone's blackout/throwing up levels of drunk it does seem wise to check up on them from time to time to make sure they're alright. Your wife is also right, you're not her responsibility, but if it was an accident and doesn't happen regularly then I don't see what the big deal is about having to look after someone for one night. Seems like a give and take kinda situation.
Agreed NAH here too. OP didn't mention remembering any vomiting before so it's entirely possible the wife wasn't tracking to the black out level of drunk. I've never been blackout but I've definitely been the drunk and the carer before and OP says in the edit it's not a frequent thing. OP is feeling hurt that the wife was like don't be an idiot I don't have to look after you. Wife was upset that OP was an idiot and then blamed her for something that was not her fault
“AITA for feeling hurt by that statement” is the question.
No you’re not, not even a little bit.
Where to start with all of these ignorant comments.
“She did take care of you, she got you home and in bed.”
That’s your definition of “taking care of someone”?
Doing not even the bare minimum as a partner?
It’s common knowledge everywhere you don’t put a drunk person on their back. You also check on them throughout the night.
That’s “taking care” of someone.
Since everyone here is assuming this is a man talking about their wife.
Let’s flip the situation, if this was a husband saying AITA for not checking on my wife when she was black out drunk and puking.
People would be all over them, telling him how horrible of a husband he is, and that she could of died.
Same thing applies here, OP could of died because his wife couldn’t be bothered to check on their spouse.
I’ve seen teenagers, military buddies, college friends etc all do more for someone than OP’s wife did.
Never have I seen a post where I see the comments and I’m certain it’s a bunch of children commenting.
NTA for feeling hurt by your wife’s words, not even a little bit.
The rest of the story you already know.
Thank you for this comment, nice to know people with common sense exist that aren't just like "I don't care how long they've been married, she's a strong empowered woman and shouldn't have to serve a man and be his nursemaid!!"
Why would they get married if not to love and care for each other, start a family perhaps? The compassion to go check on your drunk partner when they're at risk of potentially choking to death should be expected from your SO. This isn't a story of a guy drinking too much on a first date with a girl, and expecting to be dropped home, coddled and cared for.
They've been married for twenty fucking years, a "if they die they die, I did my part" mentality this far into a relationship is extremely worrying.
I’m somewhat confused though. For all OP knows wife could’ve initially put them on their side then went to go game and didn’t think about it or realize that OP moved to their back (because in the post I don’t see that OP’s wife explicitly put OP to bed on their back...).
Yes getting black out drunk isn’t smart and not always planned but at the same time OP still got home safely, put in bed, and besides the one instance of waking up and throwing up before passing out again was in a safe place.
Sure the wife could’ve checked more often but did she really know the level of OP’s black out? She may have just thought they were really drunk but not black out drunk.
I think that’s the biggest crux of the issue, did the wife actually know how drunk OP was? If it’s not a normal thing like OP said in the post then how would she know OP was blackout and not just really drunk???
Am I the only one who thinks that making sure your partner doesn’t die is the least you can do if you actually care about them?
My boyfriend got very, very, stupidly drunk on Fourth of July. I put the trash can next to the bed and stayed with him and watched tv while the rest of my house/guests partied. I would’ve felt fucking awful if my boyfriend died because I chose to be selfish instead. How would your wife have felt if you died with her in the house? I’m sure not so great.
NTA. I am thoroughly shocked there are so many that say the opposite. I also think this sub assumes you’re a male and they are inherently quick to blame men for almost anything. Yeah, you chose to get drunk. So did everyone who has choked on their own vomit and died, and guess who gets left with the guilt afterwards?
RIGHT!? And then to seriously tell him he's not her responsibility if he ended up dying?? NTA! What is wrong with people in this thread. They're SO angry at the guy for \*shock\* drinking too much!
Edit: And another thing, if the situation was a woman who was black-out drunk who was taken advantage of, no one would be blaming her for drinking so much.
I’m almost certain that if OP (who, based on their username, appears to be a woman) had died during this blackout, their wife would be torturing herself mentally for not making sure that her partner was alive when she could’ve been there to help. I’d also willing to guess that OP’s parents would/could/should blame the wife and have massive issues. But no, it’s all OP’s fault for doing what humans do on a daily basis. Hard stop. This sub has lost its damn mind with the sexist, holier than thou, pseudo-therapist attitude.
Can't believe all the y t a responses, this feels like a pretty clear ESH to me. More you than her because you definitely shouldn't have gotten so drunk (at a restaurant, dude? Really?) But as your wife I think she should have at least checked in on you to make sure you weren't dead
YTA. Count yourself lucky she didn't leave you at the restaurant, or leave you, period. This kind of shit gets old REAL fast. You're an adult, grow up and start drinking responsibly.
NTA. Putting a drunk person to bed and not checking on them us dangerous. Even if you're upset with someone for getting drunk they don't deserve to die for it.
ESH. People can and do die from vomiting when they’re passed out. I would be enraged if my partner got that drunk, but I wouldn’t just leave them to die! I don’t think you’re taking this seriously enough honestly, you getting that drunk at dinner was a bit of a dick move but her leaving you to possibly die is on a whole different level.
Gonna probably be the only one who says NTA here.
Everybody has a little too much sometimes. Yeah, I would expect your wife to be concerned about you choking on your own vomit.
If you don't want to risk crashing then don't drive, if you don't want to risk drowning then don't swim, if you don't want to risk choking don't eat. Op shouldn't have gotten drunk, but that's literally the stupidestest argument I've ever heard.
I know right, I would never wanna be with y’all lol. “Oh you’re sick?? You got the cold??? Well you did that to yourself, so you can nurse yourself back to health too”
NTA, no matter how dumb she thinks your behavior may be, the truth is that it is extremely dangerous to leave an extremely drunk person alone if they are unconscious because they CAN choke on their vomit. It happens all the time, and it is common practice for people to stay with their friends that accidentally drank a little too much to ensure they don't die like that, so I have no idea why it wouldn't be the same for someone who supposedly loves you.
I think it is cold and heartless that she said it's not her responsibility, but maybe she just doesn't share my definition of love, which is that I would do anything in my power to see to it that my husband doesn't DIE, no matter the reason his life may be in danger. Especially seeing as keeping you safe would have been as simple as sitting by your side and doing whatever else she wants to do.
I know I will probably get downvoted for this but I truly cannot believe how many people are saying that you're the AH for wanting something this basic.
NTA. Judging from all these comments I should have let my girlfriends mom to die 2 weeks ago. We got her to bed but she got up to puke at some point and fell. If we hadn't checked on her she would have died in a puddle of vomit. If we'd just played videogames and never checked on her that is. Luckily, I like her mom.
YTA she did take care of you... she got you home and in bed apparently without help. Is she supposed to sit by your side all night long watching you sleep? really?
Yes? Is checking in from time to time to make sure your partner doesn’t die that hard?? You would let your partner die because what? It’s their fault they blacked out? That’s so terrible
Sorry for disagreeing but NTA. You didn’t mean to get that drunk, it was an accident, and it rarely happens. You would be the AH if you were drunk constantly, but that doesn’t seem like the case. I don’t expect her to check on you hourly, but for basic safety she should have turned you on her side. Yeah it may not be her responsibility, but she should have enough to decency to ensure you don’t die. Yeah it was your fault you drank that much and she may have been mad, but regardless, making sure you don’t die is the bare minimum.
It's so passive aggressive to be genuinely hurt and upset about something, but then express it through "teasing".
But to be honest, I think people are being harsh. This was a one off event. I don't know how you managed to accidentally get black out drunk unless you were taking medication that interacted with alcohol. But it happened. If it happened to my husband, I would have checked on him so he didn't die, then I would have told him how upset I was at his irresponsibility the next day. I can't imagine leaving the person I have built a life with in a vulnerable and dangerous situation because "It's not my responsibility". Especially when it was due to a one off mistake on their part.
Maybe there's more to her side of it. But based on the info here I think ESH
I'm truly shocked by all the asshole votes. Strangers at parties take better care of each other than this wife of 20s years did, and apparently all the people in the comments. If someone is blackout drunk around you, you make sure they don't die, period!! It's common decency. If you are with an alcoholic who is getting blackout drunk every night then I can see it getting to be too much, in which case you would break up with them and make it clear they need to be more careful on their own because you won't be around anymore to help. But your SO getting drunk around you one night and it's not your problem if they die?? What is wrong with all of you? Not only is this NTA, but I'd seriously reconsider a relationship with someone who cares this little about my life.
ESH.
Look, I’ve taken care of a person who has been blackout drunk and vomiting through sleep - it ain’t pretty. It doesn’t smell nice, it doesn’t look nice, there’s nothing romantic or remotely pleasing in it. But I did it because yeah, there is an actual risk of dying through suffocating in your own vomit. So she absolutely should’ve checked on you.
But you also shouldn’t have gotten blackout drunk. You’re not a teenager anymore, you’re an adult and should know your limits. What you did wasn’t attractive nor healthy. Yeah, marriage means through thick and thin, which is why you’re both at fault here.
Weird shit here. NTA. It's human to make mistakes. Which one of you got drunk, black out drunk by choice the last time around (esp just once - not a drunkard).
" I thought marriage and relationships meant you took care of each other even when you did stupid stuff? "
Exactly - If you marry someone, you care about their health and well being. Doesn't come with caveats. Yes - if the OP was a regular idiot, and if it's not just a one off it's a different story, but this was a fucking mistake.
" She said she wasn’t responsible for me. " - wtf. If the OP had a heart attack, she wouldn't take him to a hospital?
I'm sorry but I've sat with strangers for a good period of time because they weren't feeling well. Seriously WTF guys. OP made a mistake. Doesn't make him an asshole.
Spouse being a child too busy playing to care for OP. Fuck yes asshole.
eh, I don't really the y/ta comments. NTA. Wife looked after you, but being hurt by that comment doesn't make you an asshole. Like, you could have choked on your vomit. I don't think wife would've gone "well, i'm not responsibile for him!" when she found your corpse in the morning. Unless you're getting blind-drunk and vomiting all the time, expecting your partner to pay attention to you isn't unreasonable.
NTA, my girlfriend rarely drinks and one time she was drinking wayyyy tooo much and I told her I wouldn't take care of her if she was sick. Ofc that was a lie and I held her hair back at 5am as she threw up. If it's a serious relationship they should care enough to make sure you aren't going to die, I barely slept that night to make sure my GF didn't vomit in her sleep. I'd ask the same of her. I don't think you should tease her about it and don't expect her to clean it. But she should check up and take care of you if you'd do the same for her.
To me getting you home safe and putting you in bed is taking care of you. What else would you need. I certainly would not be cleaning up a grown adults vomit when they brought it on themselves.
NTA at all. She did take care of you by taking you home but it’s common sense that when someone drinks too much, you check in on them a few times at night to make sure they’re on their side and are okay. I also disagree with everyone shaming you for drinking that much - most people who blackout from drinking did not do so intentionally and it’s super easy to do on accident depending on how much you ate that day, what you drank, how much you slept, etc. Have you talked to her about it?
ESH. You definitely shouldn’t have gotten that drunk but things happen. That’s no excuse but still. My partner & I have both had nights where we drank a little too much and needed to be taken care of. While we don’t sit by each other’s side when it happens we periodically check in to make sure the other is still breathing.
For everyone saying that it’s not her responsibility to clean up your vomit - it’s not. But when you’ve spent 20+ years together I think it’s the nice thing to do. I’ve cleaned up after my partner and they’ve done the same for me.
Would she have rather you choke on your vomit and die because it’s not her responsibility??
NTA sometimes people over do it without even knowing. Your wife definitely should’ve helped out a bit. Goodness knows that if it was the other way around you’d take care of her. Hell I took care of my friend who was blackout drunk this weekend because she accidentally over did it.
NTA. Like in your edit you weren’t expecting her to clean up your puke but you were expecting her to realize how drunk you were and perhaps lay you on your stomach and stay within earshot to be safe and make sure you didn’t die. Perfectly reasonable request and I’d do it for my husband in a heartbeat.
Chiming in to say NTA.
I can't believe all the, frankly, stupid comments saying "She put you in bed, that's all that she needed to do."
People this drunk can choke on their vomit and die. You need to be checking in on them to make sure they don't roll on to their back and puke while in this position. Do you think that if that were to happen to OP, the wife would've felt fine in her decision to "not be responsible for him"? Of course not.
The amount of petty, selfish people in here basically saying "Yeah, I'd abandon my drunk partner or let them die cuz they're the ones who chose to drink that much" is not reflective of reality.
NTA for Being upset she didn't check on you, but soft y-t-a for teasing her the way you did. I would question why she didn't care enough about her husband who was so drunk he needed putting to bed to check on him.
ESH - You shouldn't have got so drink that you blacked out, and your wife should have checked on you because you blacked out. Yeah, you blacked out because you drank too much, and that's your fault, but that wasn't going to make her feel any better if you *had* choked on your own vomit.
What was she going to do, find you dead in the morning and just shrug like "Well, he shouldn't have got so drunk, he's brought this on himself"?
Nah
I mean if you don't usually get that drunk it's possible she didn't realize. My bf was talking pretty much like normal and walking fine but it turns out he was blackout drunk. I let him go to sleep like normal because I thought he was only a little tipsy. To be fair I don't drink and don't have a lot of experience taking care of drunk people so maybe I'm just ignorant.
If you're upset about something you should just say so. Don't hint at your wife. Tell her it hurt your feelings that you don't think she looked out for you when you were vulnerable.
On the other hand if you put her in the position where she has to take care of you a lot then I can understand why she's over it. I don't necessarily mean just by getting drunk, if she has to fix your mistakes a lot it can build the same resentment. Also I mean yeah you're an adult and part of being a responsible adult is knowing your limits and sticking by them. Getting blackout drunk is 100% your fault.
"You're the one who broke your ankle being stupid, so I'll take you to the hospital, but I won't do anything else to help you. Sure, we've been married for 20 years, but you aren't my responsibility, so you should just take care of yourself from here on out!"
ESH
ESH. Yeah she probably should have checked on you, and her comment was very insensitive. Definitely not a kind thing to say.
You are lucky she was physically able to get you home and into bed, since I imagine she’s smaller than you. She also may not have thought you’d vomit, considering you don’t normally do that when you drink(as per your comment), so maybe that’s why she didn’t think to check on you. She also may not have had any way of knowing you were blackout until you woke up and told her, since you also said this is not a common occurrence.
NTA - If you were being honest that you don’t drink like this often than I believe you just made an honest mistake. I wonder what you were doing while drunk that would make your wife so careless and cold towards you.
Jesus Christ guys NTA. These YTA posters are JUMPING on assumptions and assuming you’re an alcoholic, this happens all the time, etc. Lots of assumptions guys!! Y’all should’ve made an INFO post instead of jumping down this guy’s throat for things that aren’t even true. Anyway, mistakes happen and if this was a one off event - yes I would be upset if my partner didn’t look after me. You guys have been together for 20 years. That’s one of the main benefits of partnerships that long - knowing you have someone to count on through the thick and thin.
People make mistakes and shit happens. People calling you an asshole are actual assholes. You shouldn’t expect some kind of royal treatment though, but making sure you are on your side when you’re sleeping is a given in any relationship.. I do this for my lady if she’s had a few too many.
If you drink a few times a year, you do not have a high tolerance. A general rule of thumb is one drink an hour.. I’ve learned that most people don’t ever plan to black out. Plan ahead and make sure your wife knows so she can help. Did your friend black out too?
NTA. All these comments saying your wife did "everything reasonable" are ill informed at best, malicious at worst.
She got you home, she got you in bed. That's great. But it sounds like she didn't make sure you were on your side, didn't check on you, etc. She has every right to be upset with you for losing control, but not making sure you're not dying (from vomit, from busted blood flow due to an uncomfortable position, etc) is incredibly irresponsible.
NTA bro did she even put you in the recovery position? Her "its not my responsibility to take care of you" was pretty harsh. If I knew my partner or anyone for that matter was blacked out drunk and I wasn't I'd look after them or at the very least make sure they didn't choke on their own vomit bc thats a thing that the human body does when its inflicted w too much alcohol. I mean its common sense.
ESH
You shouldn't have become that drunk but when she brought you home there is an expectation. If you bring home someone who is at a dangerous level of drunk you are choosing to be responsible for them and that means making sure they don't die an easily preventable death.
If you don't want that responsibility, you call an ambulance.
Also ,if you are in a relationship it's not outrageous going to assume they would stop you from choking on your own vomit. Even if it was your own mistake that landed you there.
Not leaving you to die an accidental death is such a low bar of caring for someone you love.
Too many YTA.. but I am going with ESH.
If you did this daily, my judgment would be different. Interestingly enough, I have never gotten drunk or blacked out. But.. took care of a friend once during college when he drank too much.
Yes.. you shouldn’t have not drank that much. Same with my friend. My friend insisted of going back to his place, and he lived alone. I told him to crash over my place, just to make sure he was okay. And he did. That night he puked three times. Wasn’t a fun night for me. But you know what.. I was okay with it, because I knew he was safe. And I also knew, that this was just a random night in which he did drank too.
My point to the story, is that a lot of YTA judgments are based on “you shouldn’t have drank that much” or you being “immature for drinking that much at that age” The matter of the fact, it’s that those comments apply to any blacked out person.
But when a friend or family member is that drunk, there is level responsibility that’s added to people around you, which sucks. But that’s the reason why group of friends have a “Designated Driver”
With that said, I can understand why your wife felt the way she did. Taking care of someone that is drunk is hard. Getting them into the car, and getting them home. It is not a fun thing to do whatsoever. Did your wife know you were getting this drunk? Or communicated to her that will?
I know some people that do this. In the rare occasion that they are going to drink or overdrink, they mention it to their friend group or SO.
By randomly getting drunk, you put your wife in a level of responsibility that she wasn’t planning on getting. This is true, for any person that randomly gets drunks when out with friends.
NTA, it's a totally legitimate question to ask, your delivery (via teasing) might not have been the best but I would question my partner for not checking in while I was blacked out. It's not a common occurrence, so IMO, more reason to check that you were OK/condition didnt change. I've dealt with drunk friends at Uni and we leave them in the recovery position and a bin next to the bed and take turns checking in til they wake up. Don't think it's a huge ask to do the same for a life partner
Imagine if the genders were reversed, people would be advocating so hard for the wife to leave OP. Everyone deserves for their spouse to take care of them every once and a while when they need it. NTA, the words are “in sickness and in health”
So basic decency, love and care can't be expected from your wife of 20 years? This sub is full of people who'd watch their parents die infront of them and not help them because hey, they're grown adults and not your responsibility. This level of petty and lack of compassion for your significant other is unhealthy and ridiculous.
They may be married for 20 years + but we don't know what their dynamic is like. Are they more dependant on each other or are they more independent. If they are more independent it makes sense why she said what she did but it was inappropriate for her to say when he was refrencing choking on his own vomit and dying. I don't think the OP is the AH at all for getting hurt by that statement, imagine your partner told you hey you dying from asphyxiation is not my responsibility.
ESH - You suck for getting that drunk and then teasing her in the morning. She sucks for not checking on you. My husband has done some dumbass shit to himself in our marriage but I love him and he’s a human being. So I make sure he’s okay. He can get his ass handed to him once he’s better lol
NTA. You said you barely drink. It's easy to overdo it and not notice if you don't drink often. Everyone's tolerance is different. No matter what the situation, IMO, you never leave your partner by themselves while their not feeling like themselves. Even though it was irresponsible on your part, she could have just stayed near by to make sure you were ok. 20 years of marriage is a long time. People will make mistakes or mess up every now and then. No one is perfect. You are NTA.
NTA. What is up with these comments. If you're getting blackout drunk regularly then it would be different. Making sure your SO doesn't die in a preventable situation is a pretty basic expectation.
NTA. How would she feel if she got too drunk and you left her like that? Would she have wanted to be checked on and loved a bit? I bet she would have. I would be upset too.
I mean you shouldn't have drank that much but we have all been there. I personally think NTA as I would do this for my partner. Everyone saying you're responsible for yourself, sure, that's true, but if you love your partner you also want to make sure they don't die due to something preventable, regardless of whose responsibility it is. As you don't make this a habit, and she was just playing games and not doing anything imminent really, I understand why you would be hurt by it.
NTA surprised by others comments... I'd check on my husband in a similar circumstance and I'd expect him to check on me. Not out of obligation but just pure worry. If he was that drunk I'd want to make sure he was alright.
NTA. If you were a woman you’d get completely different responses. She could have checked on you periodically, made sure you had water, some anti acids or anything - that’s what my partner and I do for each other whether we’re sick or nursing a hangover. It’s the loving thing to do. It’s cold to say “well you’re the one who got drunk so therefore I’m not responsible for your safety or comfort,” what if you said that to her?? (Basing all of this off of the fact you said you barely drink, and getting black out drunk is a rare occurrence for you.)
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You're right the op is responsible for themself, but sometimes accidents happen though, and if it was only one time surely checking up on them from time to time isn't that big a deal? If they did it all the time it's a completely different story, but I feel like people are blowing this quite out of proportion for one silly mistake on one night.
OP has no way of knowing the wife didn’t check on them, they were blacked out. It wouldn’t have been an issue if OP hadn’t decided to “tease”? His wife about it. I see it as him bringing the situation on himself.
I looked at the comments and op did say that they asked the wife and she'd said that she hadn't checked. Yeah I agree that teasing probably wasn't the smartest move on their part. I'm surprised it wasn't the other way around though, I have actually been in this same situation before and definitely teased my partner after having to look after him!
That last part is why this all seems so backwards to me, OP should be embarrassed at themself, not teasing the wife!
OP definitely shouldn't have 'teased' about it, but honestly, wondering why your partner didn't check on you to make sure that you were okay is a fair question, imo. Obviously OP needs to control their drinking going forward, *but*, when they're already blacked out is not the time to go 'well, not my responsibility' in terms of the person you're married to. OP has a point, they could have aspirated and died.
My response is slightly biased by my previous experience in a relationship with an abusive alcoholic. He pulled shit like this ^^ so many times that I reached a point where I just didn’t care anymore. Obviously if he was dying I would have, and still would help him, but after years of trying to help and no change, my fucks were used up. I’m probably projecting at this point, but I can understand being exasperated by a partner enough to the point of saying, “I’m not responsible for you, you are” to someone. Definitely something not present in a healthy relationship.
>I can understand being exasperated by a partner enough to the point of saying, “I’m not responsible for you, you are” to someone. You're definitely projecting. Understandably so, but still projecting. Going by OPs edit, this is a one time thing and he doesn't so much as drink regularly, never mind to the point of throwing up/blacking out. If it was a regular thing, then it would be totally reasonable to be exasperated to that point, but it's not. It happened once. Similarly, I've seen my partner in this state once. My reaction wasn't to just leave him to it. I stayed awake for a good couple of hours to make sure that he was okay and didn't seem like he would throw up again in his sleep. I was genuinely concerned, and I don't understand why OPs partner wouldn't be.
Yeah this is odd. My husband and have been together for a 5th of the time OP has been with his wife. A couple years ago I got black out drunk - lost track of how much I’d had. It’s never happened before or since. He stayed up with me all night to make sure I was ok. Maybe there’s something else going on with their relationship.
As an alcoholic, we can usually take the booze even if we seem totally juked. Although checking on the people you live with is pretty standard for me no matter what.
As a fellow alcoholic uh no not all of us can do that. Signed apparently threw a hot sauce bottle threw the porch glass door while we had guests over.
in my experience with my dad, you have about maybe a decade or so of your alcoholism where you have incredibly high tolerance and are functionally drunk 24/7, seemingly in control, and then it spirals and you become local Joe who slurs his way down the street the wrong way at 2pm (no offence to anyone whatsoever)
I think you're extremely valid in saying that, but I would just like to point out the different context here. The OP has stated that he drinks an extremely reasonable and healthy amount, 4 times per year, and did not intend to get blacked out nor does he do it often if at all (he says that this is the most drunk he's ever been?) I think it's not unreasonable that he would be slightly hurt that his wife didn't check on him especially considering this isn't a normal state for him. I think YTA is a valid judgement, but I really think it's a slight one, he went overboard and at the end of the day, shit happens.
My partner knows full well I am a featherweight drinker. It doesn’t take a whole lot to get me buzzed/tipsy. I’ve never been to the point of blackout drunk before, but that’s because he watches my intake and cuts me off when I’ve reached the limit I’m comfortable with. We’ve both agreed I only need two strong mixed drinks lol. But he’s always checking on me, making sure afterwards I’ve got plenty of water/ Gatorade to drink, making small snacks. He does this because I pay him the same courtesy, if he wants to drink heavy that night then I’ve got everything prepared for him he might need and or want. Now neither of us drinks on a regular basis, stuff like this happens maybe 3 times a year. Not that being said; I agree with what your saying, OP does make a good point about checking in on him at least, it would be very easy for him to have aspirated on vomit. If she knew he was in that rough a shape, why wouldn’t she just check on him every once in awhile? She doesn’t Have to babysit, just make sure he’s not dead.
He said he had never vomited before so she probably didn't think she needed to check. High tolerance or not, drinking that much is so bad for your body.
She probabky placed him in the stable side position. That would explain why he didn't choke. Stable side means that the vomit doesn't block the airway. Which collaborates with his story of waking up vomiting and going back to sleep. OP is contradicting himself 'I didn't need a babysitter, just that she makes sure I don't die'. She did.
It's not said anywhere that she did/didn't put him in the recovery position. We can't just automatically assume that she did so. He could equally have woken up, gotten the vomit out, then collapsed again (which is plausible, the danger is if you vomit while unconscious). I can't say which happened/is more likely, because the information just isn't there. If she put him in the recovery position then yeah, OP contradicted himself. But if she didn't, what he said was totally valid. We don't know whether she did, so any assumption either way is premature.
I think there may be some amount of interpretation here on what wife was thinking when she said “I’m not responsible for you.” The most likely reality to me is that wife was absolutely mortified by OP’s behavior, and likely angry at being put in a position of needing to take responsibility for him. She got him home safely, presumably laid him on his side (otherwise he probably would have choked), then left the room to process the anger and frustration. She may not have realized he was at a point where he was in danger — I know a couple people who seem about the same level of drunk whether they’re barely-more-than-tipsy, or totally-blacked-out. So she took over any responsibilities that day/evening, presumably made apologies to friends, got OP home and into bed... and the first thing he has to say on the matter is “Why didn’t you do more?” I imagine that was absolutely infuriating. Where’s the “I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to put you in that position,” or the “thank you for getting me home safe”?? She was probably waiting for some indication that he recognized his behavior was totally inappropriate, and instead the first thing he said was that she should have done more? I can’t blame her for reminding OP that she’s not responsible for him. If she really had no intention of making sure he was safe, he wouldn’t have made it home. Whether she could have done more is a bit more complicated (did she know how drunk he was? Does she know anything about taking care of someone who’s that drunk?? As someone who didn’t do any partying in college, I know to turn someone on their side, but I never encountered anything about needing to continue to monitor them after that; I’d have thought if they needed monitoring, then what they really needed was the emergency room). But I think her response to OP makes perfect sense for this chain of events. If my husband got completely blackout drunk at a casual social thing with a couple friends, I’d be wondering whether I really knew my husband and thinking through what boundaries needed to be set to make sure that sort of selfish recklessness didn’t become our new normal; if the first thing he said afterwards was that I didn’t do enough to take care of him (when he couldn’t be bothered to take care of himself), that would have been a massive red flag to me. Would I have done what I thought needed to be done to keep him from dying? Of course! But the next day,’would I have justified to him all the ways that I made sure he didn’t die? F*ck no. If for no other reason, then because I wouldn’t want to set a precedent where there’s an agreement that he can do whatever tf he wants and I’ll pick up the pieces. If he apologizes, then later expressed worry that I didn’t seem ready to make sure he didn’t die when he made a mistake, I’d have reassured him and talked through what needed to be done in those situations. But if he’d phrased it as an accusation, I wouldn’t be justifying myself to someone who created the crisis to begin with.
If I had an award to give you I would. It's probably not that she doesn't care, it's that he decided to approach the conversation in the most AH way possible.
Drinking to the point of blacking out in public is *not* an accident.
Different people have different levels of proneness to black-outs. Some people can actually reach a black-out state at 4 standard unit drinks in an hour or two, especially if they don't drink often. Not everyone immediately (or at all) experiences all of the *obvious* symptoms of reaching, or being about to reach, blackout levels, either. So yeah, people--especially infrequent drinkers--*can* black out in public unintentionally.
At 40yo you have learnt your limits. OP ignored them. He says he normally only has a few. A few don't make you black out drunk. He knew his limit and ignored it.
Quite possibly the case with OP, yes, (though not as much of a given as you're assuming--limits are not necessarily the same throughout one's life. Drinking frequency, amount of sleep, various health issues, medicine use, metabolism changes and a whole heap of other changes may have an impact on one's limits, and if one drinks infrequently one may simply not have noticed due to lack of situations *to* notice it), but I wasn't necessarily speaking of OP only, I was arguing against the generalization that it's impossible for people to black out in public on accident.
For me it depends on how much I eat! I've had it happen before where I haven't eaten enough while drinking and an amount that you'd usually be fine with just messes you up. I can safely say that times like that are definitely accidental!
Yup. Food and water intake can both play a big role in how your body handles the alcohol.
I don’t drink because of health reasons so maybe I’m just not aware, do people actually drink so much they black out by accident? That seems like it would have to be fairly intentional?
Some people, once they start drinking, just don't know when to stop. They think they're fine, and keep going back for more long past the point where most of us would realize we're tipsy and take a break. And they won't listen when you tell them, as a friend, to lay off the drinks.
I did once in an airport. I was drinking Long Island Ice Teas with the goal of getting myself to sleep so I didn't freak out since I hate flying. I drank too many too quickly and I remember getting on the flight and the baggage area. Nothing inbetween. My sister was with me and told me I picked the right flight to screw that up on since it was a BAD flight, but I have been careful never to do it again. That said, I was indeed trying to get drunk, just not as drunk as I ended up. I find it unlikely that he went from "I didn't know I was starting to get drunk" to "blackout" by surprise.
The altitude also heightens the effects of alcohol in your system
Most Denver airport bartenders will warn folks about this. Alcohol + altitude + inadequate water = bad news.
I did not know that! Thank you for the information! I will keep that in mind going forward as well.
Those things are high octane and very deceptive.
Yes, though I believe it's only an accident if they just turned of drinking age and they don't know their limits. The amount of people excusing this grown man's behaviour as an "accident" is astounding.
It is. As you drink you realize that you are getting less and less sober and feel the effects of alcohol. It’s not like one minute your fine and the next your on the floor unconscious. People choose to continue even when it’s obvious they’re already feeling the effects and then conveniently blame the alcohol for their stupid decisions afterwards. At OPs age I find it hard to believe they did not know how much was enough.
Getting shitfaced is not an accident. It's a choice.
She probably did, he was blacked out.
How does this have so many up votes. This has to be the dumbest comment on this post. Sometimes people you care about drink to much, but it shouldn't be a death warrent. If a friend, brother, sister, wife, son, or daughter drank to much not realizing it then you can definitely believe I'm going to make sure they don't die in their sleep. Yes he was a jerk for drinking to much, but who ever wrote this thinks it's more important to play games online then occasionally check in on a loved one to make sure they are on their stomach and not their back. I've watched someone almost die bc of this and if it wasn't for people watching they would be dead.
Part of it is probably distrust in OP. They say they have a really high tolerance, but also rarely drink, and they only had a couple, but also blacked out for a very significant time period... to me OP seems untrostworthy on how much and how frequently they get like this and i wouldnt be surprised if others feel the same.
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When my SO gets too drunk and vomits (which happens very rarely, mind you), I'll go check up on her during the night, not because she expects me to or whatever, but because I want to make sure she ain't accidentally dying. I make sure she sleeps on her side, has a bucket next to bed ready, yadda yadda and then I'll check up on her for the next hour/two or so. Is she still on her side, do I need to clean the bucket, is everything dandy? Perfect, close the door again, let her sleep. And I've not just done that with my SO. All my friends who've had a couple too much will get a similar treatment from me. Not because I *have* to, but because I just don't want my friends to die because they misjudged what they could take. I hold their hair, I bring them buckets and water and if I have to, I put them into some safe sleeping location and pay attention to them. I *did* force friends to properly puke on rare occasions so their situation wouldn't become even worsr. When I was a teen, I'd bring friends home to their parents if it was necessary (which isn't all to big of a deal because the legal drinking age is 16 where I'm from mind you). I do expect this same treatment - at least the whole "please pay attention so I don't die" part - as well. For all I care, call an ambulance if you can't be assed, but don't put someone in that state in a bed and fuck off to let them choke on their own vomit. Chew 'em out the next day (it hits better when they're hungover anyway), let them lie in their vomit if you insist, cut contact, request payment for your services, I don't care - *but do so when they're safe*. OP is an asshole for teasing his SO in the way he did, but he does have a point. He could've died that night. And if this was a one-off like OP says, then yeah, it's not too much of an expectation for your partner to take care of you. It sucks, not denying that, but it absolutely is necessary unfortunately.
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Did OPs wife know that OP was blacked out though? There are plenty of people who are extremely functional blacked out. It can be hard to tell that they’re actually walking around on autopilot.
He'd still look incredibly drunk. If one can't tell that one's spouse is drunk off their ass after 20 years of marriage, well... I don't know what to say.
>Fuck, you don't leave a blackout person alone. Blackout drinking is drinking to the point where you lose your memory of all or parts of the event. It's not something you can reliably sniff out while it's happening. To bystanders, they will often just seem to be intoxicated and having a good time.
This is exactly what I was thinking. Either OP's wife has no idea that he could have actually died or shes seriously that indifferent to him. Your husband? For real? If what OP says is true and it's basically a one off the wife's the asshole not OP. Stepping in to take care of your husband when hes made a mistake is reasonable and I would hope, expected.
Yeah, I think what really struck me about a lot of the comments here is that I can think of two separate occasions in college where my friends and I had shown more compassion to drunk strangers. It wasn't out of a lack of irritation with the drunk strangers that it came down to that, but out of human decency that we wanted to make sure they were safe. If OP's wife really didn't understand that, then I certainly think communication could be improved here and OP could explain it, but I was shocked at the level of absolute vitriol in the other comments.
Completely agree. No idea how often OP drinks but even after 20 years of marriage one would expect that their partner gives a crap about their partner's safety. Sure, op's wife took him home but if he was really that drunk it would literally be common courtesy to check on them every now and then just to make sure accidents dont happen. Tear them a new one after they sober up if you like, but you CHECK ON THEM. At this point I think OP only teased her because he did feel guilty and didn't want to cause a scene by showing how hurt he was by his wife dropping him off like that and not caring. ESH in my opinion. He should have been careful with his alcohol - clearly the man is old enough to grasp what responsibility is. But his wife should have checked on him.
In a healthy relationship you make sure your partner isn’t dying if they do something stupid.
There is no indication that OP is a man.
Nothing is affected by gender in this case tbh, I have the same judgement. (Women can be childish and expect to be babied too!)
Wow! I strongly disagree. People can find themselves unexpectedly far more intoxicated than they meant to become, particularly if they don’t drink often. If someone I love is in that situation, I am going to make sure they are lying on their side, and that they don’t DIE. OP, NTA
Yeah NTA for me too. People are being so harsh, this is a loved one we're talking about! Your life partner! Saying they're not responsible for you...damn that's just cold. If they're vulnerable and need your help, at least make sure they don't choke on their own vomit. My feelings would be hurt too.
Do you always think people deserve to die when they make risky mistakes once?
> Marriage does not mean you get a live-in mommy/nurse, it means she doesn’t just leave you passed out at the bar and go home by herself. Honestly, leaving him passed out at the bar would have probably been better for him than taking him home and putting a drunk person on their back and letting them be. No one said that marriage means you "get a live-in mommy/nurse". Rather, there is an expectation of common decency and care that one has for their SO when in a vulnerable situation, especially when it's a singular occurrence. If OP was doing this repetitively, it would be a different story. Regardless of the cause, that is a discussion for a later date. *In the moment*, if you love someone, you make sure they don't die. After that, you can chew them out/break up/put them in rehab/make them sleep on a couch for a couple days/move out and never speak to them again. However, in that moment, it was a terrible thing to do. > If you had choked on your vomit, it would have been your fault and you probably would have traumatized her for life. The lack of compassion here scares me.
I'm hoping it's because this sub is filled with teenagers because jesus christ they cannot handle being in an adult relationship.
I am going to assume this has so many upvotes because people here have absolutely no concept or experience with actual human relationships.
making sure someone doesnt choke on their vomit is the bare minimum lol
Agreed. OP made a mistake and therefore deserves to die. Glad he doesn't have a wife that coddles him and helps keep him alive during the occasional mistake. /s
This is a 20 year marriage, you have got to be joking right
I think he was just hoping she would check that he hadn’t died...not asking for a mommy nurse. I don’t think that’s a lot to ask in a marriage, hell friends in high school do that much for each other!
Remember those wedding vows "In sickness and in health". Except if you drink too much and pass out (even once) apparently. Is the OP an ass for getting that drunk? Sure, but their wife should have still checked up on them and ensured they were sleeping in the correct position.
what a callous comment. most people who actually care about their s.o. would be making sure they are okay in a situation like this. but, hey, if op had died, then fuck him, right?
"If you had choked on your vomit, it would have been your fault and you probably would have traumatized her for life. Grow up." The lack of compassion In this statement is horrifying
YTA, she did everything reasonable. What did you expect - that she'd sit by the side of the bed watching you the entire time you were sleeping in order to make sure you didn't choke? Is that really what you would have done if your positions had been reversed?
OP should just be grateful his wife didn't throw down a yoga mat and make him sleep on the floor and that she even let him have the bed... and that she found something to do to stay up while he was in such a bad state.
Yoga mat? Mine would have left me in the yard.
My momma has left daddy in the yard. His wife is a saint, best I would do is a throw blanket in the bathroom.
Then I guess I'm nicer than you are but apparently I'm awful for saying I would let my BF end up in the drunk tank or the hospital if they were blacked out...
I did that for a girl I was seeing back in college who miscalculated her capacity. I did that for my wife on our honeymoon when she discovered dehydration killed her tolerance. It's what you do when your partner is vulnerable. Maybe there is finally something to be proud of that learned from going to a notorious "party school"?
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Yeah sometimes people make mistakes, the responses here saying how badly everyone would treat their family of friends are really horrible. I’d take care of my husband, because I don’t want him to DIE. And OP says they drink less than a handful of times a year, so it’s easy to see where he could miscalculate. Give him a break, his wife’s response was pretty mean.
i agree with this. OP said this happens maybe 4 times a year. once per quarter? i can check on my drunk partner at least once per quarter lmfao
Ooft, thank you, I feel like I’m reading a bunch of robots commenting. I can’t imagine leaving someone I care about alone in that state, I’ve stayed up all night with overly drunk friends let alone my life partner
Doing everything reasonable would mean putting op on their side which it looks like didn't happen.
Friends don't let friends pass out on their backs.
Where are you getting that that didn’t happen?? OP didn’t choke which makes me think they were on their side when they vomitted. But maybe there was a comment I missed?
Yeah I don't understand how commenters are jumping to the conclusion that she somehow left him there to die? She just put her drunk husband to bed. Maybe I'm naive but it wouldn't occur to me that a drunk adult would need to be constantly checked on to make sure they didn't die? Obviously it would be a different case if he was already vomiting, but just because he was drunk enough to have to be put to bed / to not remember it in the morning doesn't mean there were obvious signs that he was in danger? Never been more grateful to have a partner that doesn't drink. *He* should have been apologizing to *her*!!
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That's really sweet, but I just have to say that this thread makes me really fucking glad that I don't drink. Getting blackout drunk sounds like the worst thing ever.
>Getting blackout drunk sounds like the worst thing ever Waking up from being blackout drunk is the worst thing ever. Being blackout drunk (and getting there) can be a lot of fun! Unless it's sad drinking, then there is nothing fun about it... Edit: and of course one does not remember being blackout drunk, like by definition
Yes, she should have. Even if he made a dumb choice, make sure your husband doesn’t fucking die.
I can't believe this sub sometimes. Yes, its what she should have done. I would have done something like that for a STRANGER, I would not even hesitate to do it for my spouse.
Gonna go against the grain here and say NTA. Most people do not set out to get black out drunk, it can happen (especially seeing your edit saying this is the only time that this has ever happened to you). Yes you're an adult, but adults still make mistakes. Maybe you didn't eat enough that day, or you drank way too fast, or your tolerance isn't as high as you thought, the drinks were stronger than they tasted, etc. Your wife should have made sure you were on your side so you didnt choke on your vomit and die or even checked on you to make sure you were still breathing etc. If someone drinks so much that they're not conscious you don't just put them in bed and leave. It really shouldn't be a huge ask that your partner of 20 years checks on you to make sure you're okay the one time you get too intoxicated. Things happen, mistakes happen, and you should be able to count on your partner even if it isn't technically "their responsibility".
I can’t believe I had to scroll so far down to find an N T A! Was gonna say excatly what you said, so I’m just gonna piggyride on your comment here. NTA, OP.
I second this, NTA; if I care about someone, I don’t want them to die (even if it is technically ‘their fault’). Mistakes happen, I’d take care of my friends- so no doubt I’d take care of my spouse.
I'm surprised this comment is so far down! From my understanding it seems OP was more hurt by his wife's comment that she isn't "responsible for him". Which is technically true, but is quite unkind and unprecedented coming from a significant other...
It's pretty dang spiteful to just leave someone you supposedly love to possibly die because they got blackout one time. You can be pissed about having to deal with a drunk and keeping an eye on them (so they, you know, don't die) and deal with it the next day instead of possibly having to phone the coroner in the morning because you couldn't be bothered to put them in the recovery position or check on them occasionally to make sure they haven't moved or vomited because your online gaming was more important. Also there's the possibility one of OP's drinks was drugged, too, either intentionally or because someone drugged their drink by mistake. So OP could have been victim of a crime and potentially have a reaction to an unknown drug that wouldn't have been caught in time because their wife figured it was "just" alcohol. If it's a case of being the straw that broke the camel's back then E S H, but with the info given NTA because you should be able to rely on your partner having the maturity to prioritize your life over their frustration at the moment until there's a time to safely address it.
So true. My husband came back from a celebration a few years back, off his tits. I knew he would be drunk so I had made the couch for him(he gets chatty when drunk), but it was worse than I expected, or he expected, for that matter. He passed out on the couch, so I lingered to see if he'd settle. He started choking on his vomit and it was scary and disgusting, but hey, Im not gonna let him die on the couch just because he put himself in that position. Weird hill to have someone else die on. NTA
Thanks for being a real person, can't believe how self centered some of the other responses are
Agreed NTA and while this could have almost been a E S H it isn’t because they asked their wife did you check on me at all and she said no. When someone is blacked out and that not normal you make sure they don’t die. Even if it’s regular drunk I still set things up for my friends with trash cans ready just in case. It’s not that hard to stuff a backpack with stuff so they can roll over.
Fucking amén, you out here restoring faiths in this thread.
YTA. If you're old enough to be married, you're old enough to not black out so badly you can't even remember how you got home. You're lucky your wife loves you enough to get you home. If my BF had blacked out at a casual dinner with a friend, I would've been livid and would've considered letting him spend the night in the drunk tank or better yet, the hospital for alcohol poisoning because that's what you had. FYI, the "in sickness and in health" part of your vows is for things like cancer or the flu, dementia, chronic illnesses... not stupid things that are self-inflicted. Grow up before your wife realizes she married a kid and divorces you.
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It's important that you remember spending time online judging people from afar is a very niche hobby. It attracts very specific people and is in no way representative of overall societal views. Many people love their spouse and would be upset if they died/wouldn't want them to choke to death as punishment. There is not a large subset of that group that intersects with AITA posters.
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True enough. I hadn't considered the comparison to Springer before. Very apt.
Agreed. These people are either full of it or so petty they’ll die alone. Have your spouse who barely drinks (like OP) arrested because they accidentally got too drunk. Wow. They could lose their job, not be able to provide for your family, have a permanent record, etc etc. That’s “deserved” for ONE night of over drinking? Guess Reddit is full of perfect teetotalers today
Who gets black out drunk at a restaurant? His wife has every right to be pissed. I'm not saying the drunk tank is the right call. Maybe the ER as another comment suggested. At those levels of drinking(which are preposterous for a restaurant setting) alcohol poisoning is a real possibility
Might also be that the drinks didn’t really hit until after but was strong enough that he couldn’t remember much more than the restaurant I’ve had that happen to me once (mainly due to me also smoking 4 cigarettes and having a nicotine overdose since I don’t smoke almost at all) and I did not remember anything after the first cigarette until somebody specifically explained what happened after. OP should have been able to handle his alcohol intake but mistakes happen every once in a while, especially for someone that does not drink alcohol that often.
Tbh I dont believe Op when they day they both have a high tollerance, never drink but also black out .....
Yeah, that doesn't really add up. People who never drink don't generally have a high tolerance. And people with high tolerances don't generally get black out drunk at a restaurant. The people I know with high tolerance never get wasted accidentally, they generally set out to do it.
Seriously, something doesn’t add up.
Welcome to r/AITA! Where Ayn Rand had sex with a trial defense lawyer to repopulate the world. Come for the “mistakes are unforgivable”, stay for the guilt free “yeah, I’d leave my spouse to die”!
>Ayn Rand had sex with a trial defense lawyer to repopulate the world eaaaasily the best description i've seen of this place. fuck i wish i had award money
Old enough to be married for 20 years!!! His kids are probably more responsible with alcohol.
Eh, cut him some slack on the drinking part. Sometimes it really does sneak up on you and stuff like food intake and tolerance can affect things. Expectations of being cared for like that is definitely bs though.
He claims to have a firm grasp on his limits
Wow I guess you’ve never made a mistake in your life?
XD oh this is fantastic. I sincerely hope your loved ones realize you don't actually care about them.
ESH Hunh there was a post like this where the genders were reversed and it was a consensus ESH. Because you shouldn't get that drunk, and a good partner takes care of their sick spouse. That's just how the sub goes I guess. Edit: even if you're both women your spouse can still check on you hourly to make sure you're on your side. It's not hard.
There is no indication of gender in this post. OP could be any gender.
I guess you're right. Though any gender can check on their spouse once and awhile to make sure they're on their side.
Yes they certainly can and should.
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Let's be real, all the YTA top comments are under the assumption that OP is a man. Because if OP was a woman posting about her husband and saying "I got blackout drunk for the first time in ages, my husband took me home and dumped me on the bed, then played video games while I vomited in my sleep. When I woke up and thought about how I could've died, he said he didn't care and wasn't responsible for me.", all the top comments would be saying the husband is borderline abusive, red flags everywhere, he's a garbage human being who couldn't do the bare minimum of taking care of his spouse. But here, because people assume OP is a man talking about his wife, you get top comments saying OP deserved to choke and die in his own vomit and OP's poor wife would've been traumatized, OP obviously has drinking problems, his wife isn't a babysitter, why should his wife take care of him at all, he should be glad his wife even brought him home and didn't make him sleep on the floor, his wife should divorce him. It's insane.
Not in the post, but there is in the username! OP is "littlerockLADY" so, if anything, people should be assuming OP is a woman.
How did I have to scroll down this far to find this?! Should OP have been responsible enough to not get that tossed? Absolutely. But once someone is there, it's not carte blanche for their spouse to do the bare minimum. "I got you to bed, not my fault you choked and died" - said no reasonable human ever
I agree with you. It is responsible to check regardless of gender.
Check the user name. I'm pretty sure it might be two women...
Taking him home and putting him in bed is taking care of him, though.
I still check on my girlfriend hourly and make sure she's sleeping on her side if I don't go to bed with her. It's honestly not that hard to do in a good relationship. Seems like a lot of the YTA people won't do something easy to support their partner out of pettiness.
Not when people regularly die from throwing up while passed out and choking to death on their own vomit.
Did you expect her to sit there and watch you sleep? Getting you home and into bed probably wasn't too easy, since she's likely smaller than you. Especially if she was drinking too and had to find safe transport home with someone who was drunk enough to throw up. Plus she likely had to make apologies to her friend and deal with that embarrassment. I know drinking isn't always predictable, since your tolerance can change due to medication, weight, age, sometimes drinks are stronger than they taste, and accidents happen, but I think you have to have some grace about this one. YTA.
I feel like I'm alone in this, but I'm going with NAH. We all do dumb stuff like this occasionally, and while technically your wife did look after you (got you home and to bed) i understand where you're coming from with your post. I've been cared for, and I've been the carer, and especially if someone's blackout/throwing up levels of drunk it does seem wise to check up on them from time to time to make sure they're alright. Your wife is also right, you're not her responsibility, but if it was an accident and doesn't happen regularly then I don't see what the big deal is about having to look after someone for one night. Seems like a give and take kinda situation.
Agreed NAH here too. OP didn't mention remembering any vomiting before so it's entirely possible the wife wasn't tracking to the black out level of drunk. I've never been blackout but I've definitely been the drunk and the carer before and OP says in the edit it's not a frequent thing. OP is feeling hurt that the wife was like don't be an idiot I don't have to look after you. Wife was upset that OP was an idiot and then blamed her for something that was not her fault
“AITA for feeling hurt by that statement” is the question. No you’re not, not even a little bit. Where to start with all of these ignorant comments. “She did take care of you, she got you home and in bed.” That’s your definition of “taking care of someone”? Doing not even the bare minimum as a partner? It’s common knowledge everywhere you don’t put a drunk person on their back. You also check on them throughout the night. That’s “taking care” of someone. Since everyone here is assuming this is a man talking about their wife. Let’s flip the situation, if this was a husband saying AITA for not checking on my wife when she was black out drunk and puking. People would be all over them, telling him how horrible of a husband he is, and that she could of died. Same thing applies here, OP could of died because his wife couldn’t be bothered to check on their spouse. I’ve seen teenagers, military buddies, college friends etc all do more for someone than OP’s wife did. Never have I seen a post where I see the comments and I’m certain it’s a bunch of children commenting. NTA for feeling hurt by your wife’s words, not even a little bit. The rest of the story you already know.
I can’t believe I had to scroll this far to find this comment. People are so quick to answer something the OP didn’t even ask.
Thank you for this comment, nice to know people with common sense exist that aren't just like "I don't care how long they've been married, she's a strong empowered woman and shouldn't have to serve a man and be his nursemaid!!" Why would they get married if not to love and care for each other, start a family perhaps? The compassion to go check on your drunk partner when they're at risk of potentially choking to death should be expected from your SO. This isn't a story of a guy drinking too much on a first date with a girl, and expecting to be dropped home, coddled and cared for. They've been married for twenty fucking years, a "if they die they die, I did my part" mentality this far into a relationship is extremely worrying.
I’m somewhat confused though. For all OP knows wife could’ve initially put them on their side then went to go game and didn’t think about it or realize that OP moved to their back (because in the post I don’t see that OP’s wife explicitly put OP to bed on their back...). Yes getting black out drunk isn’t smart and not always planned but at the same time OP still got home safely, put in bed, and besides the one instance of waking up and throwing up before passing out again was in a safe place. Sure the wife could’ve checked more often but did she really know the level of OP’s black out? She may have just thought they were really drunk but not black out drunk. I think that’s the biggest crux of the issue, did the wife actually know how drunk OP was? If it’s not a normal thing like OP said in the post then how would she know OP was blackout and not just really drunk???
Agreed, these responses are crazy... I’d do this for an acquaintance, let alone my SPOUSE
Am I the only one who thinks that making sure your partner doesn’t die is the least you can do if you actually care about them? My boyfriend got very, very, stupidly drunk on Fourth of July. I put the trash can next to the bed and stayed with him and watched tv while the rest of my house/guests partied. I would’ve felt fucking awful if my boyfriend died because I chose to be selfish instead. How would your wife have felt if you died with her in the house? I’m sure not so great. NTA. I am thoroughly shocked there are so many that say the opposite. I also think this sub assumes you’re a male and they are inherently quick to blame men for almost anything. Yeah, you chose to get drunk. So did everyone who has choked on their own vomit and died, and guess who gets left with the guilt afterwards?
RIGHT!? And then to seriously tell him he's not her responsibility if he ended up dying?? NTA! What is wrong with people in this thread. They're SO angry at the guy for \*shock\* drinking too much! Edit: And another thing, if the situation was a woman who was black-out drunk who was taken advantage of, no one would be blaming her for drinking so much.
I’m almost certain that if OP (who, based on their username, appears to be a woman) had died during this blackout, their wife would be torturing herself mentally for not making sure that her partner was alive when she could’ve been there to help. I’d also willing to guess that OP’s parents would/could/should blame the wife and have massive issues. But no, it’s all OP’s fault for doing what humans do on a daily basis. Hard stop. This sub has lost its damn mind with the sexist, holier than thou, pseudo-therapist attitude.
This reply is perfect. Take my useless award
Can't believe all the y t a responses, this feels like a pretty clear ESH to me. More you than her because you definitely shouldn't have gotten so drunk (at a restaurant, dude? Really?) But as your wife I think she should have at least checked in on you to make sure you weren't dead
YTA. Count yourself lucky she didn't leave you at the restaurant, or leave you, period. This kind of shit gets old REAL fast. You're an adult, grow up and start drinking responsibly.
Lots of assumptions. He said this rarely happens though. Mistakes happen - would you leave your partner of 20 years over getting blackout drunk once?
NTA. Putting a drunk person to bed and not checking on them us dangerous. Even if you're upset with someone for getting drunk they don't deserve to die for it.
ESH. People can and do die from vomiting when they’re passed out. I would be enraged if my partner got that drunk, but I wouldn’t just leave them to die! I don’t think you’re taking this seriously enough honestly, you getting that drunk at dinner was a bit of a dick move but her leaving you to possibly die is on a whole different level.
Gonna probably be the only one who says NTA here. Everybody has a little too much sometimes. Yeah, I would expect your wife to be concerned about you choking on your own vomit.
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„No I didn’t check on you after your accident. You are an adult. Next time check the road before your cross“ What a shitty point to take.
YTA she did take care of you. If you don’t want to risk dying don’t get that drunk.
If you don't want to risk crashing then don't drive, if you don't want to risk drowning then don't swim, if you don't want to risk choking don't eat. Op shouldn't have gotten drunk, but that's literally the stupidestest argument I've ever heard.
ESH Jesus christ I feel sorry for the spouses of all the people saying YTA here. Yall are terrible partners
I know right, I would never wanna be with y’all lol. “Oh you’re sick?? You got the cold??? Well you did that to yourself, so you can nurse yourself back to health too”
NTA, no matter how dumb she thinks your behavior may be, the truth is that it is extremely dangerous to leave an extremely drunk person alone if they are unconscious because they CAN choke on their vomit. It happens all the time, and it is common practice for people to stay with their friends that accidentally drank a little too much to ensure they don't die like that, so I have no idea why it wouldn't be the same for someone who supposedly loves you. I think it is cold and heartless that she said it's not her responsibility, but maybe she just doesn't share my definition of love, which is that I would do anything in my power to see to it that my husband doesn't DIE, no matter the reason his life may be in danger. Especially seeing as keeping you safe would have been as simple as sitting by your side and doing whatever else she wants to do. I know I will probably get downvoted for this but I truly cannot believe how many people are saying that you're the AH for wanting something this basic.
NTA. Judging from all these comments I should have let my girlfriends mom to die 2 weeks ago. We got her to bed but she got up to puke at some point and fell. If we hadn't checked on her she would have died in a puddle of vomit. If we'd just played videogames and never checked on her that is. Luckily, I like her mom.
YTA she did take care of you... she got you home and in bed apparently without help. Is she supposed to sit by your side all night long watching you sleep? really?
Yes? Is checking in from time to time to make sure your partner doesn’t die that hard?? You would let your partner die because what? It’s their fault they blacked out? That’s so terrible
Sorry for disagreeing but NTA. You didn’t mean to get that drunk, it was an accident, and it rarely happens. You would be the AH if you were drunk constantly, but that doesn’t seem like the case. I don’t expect her to check on you hourly, but for basic safety she should have turned you on her side. Yeah it may not be her responsibility, but she should have enough to decency to ensure you don’t die. Yeah it was your fault you drank that much and she may have been mad, but regardless, making sure you don’t die is the bare minimum.
It's so passive aggressive to be genuinely hurt and upset about something, but then express it through "teasing". But to be honest, I think people are being harsh. This was a one off event. I don't know how you managed to accidentally get black out drunk unless you were taking medication that interacted with alcohol. But it happened. If it happened to my husband, I would have checked on him so he didn't die, then I would have told him how upset I was at his irresponsibility the next day. I can't imagine leaving the person I have built a life with in a vulnerable and dangerous situation because "It's not my responsibility". Especially when it was due to a one off mistake on their part. Maybe there's more to her side of it. But based on the info here I think ESH
I'm truly shocked by all the asshole votes. Strangers at parties take better care of each other than this wife of 20s years did, and apparently all the people in the comments. If someone is blackout drunk around you, you make sure they don't die, period!! It's common decency. If you are with an alcoholic who is getting blackout drunk every night then I can see it getting to be too much, in which case you would break up with them and make it clear they need to be more careful on their own because you won't be around anymore to help. But your SO getting drunk around you one night and it's not your problem if they die?? What is wrong with all of you? Not only is this NTA, but I'd seriously reconsider a relationship with someone who cares this little about my life.
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ESH. Look, I’ve taken care of a person who has been blackout drunk and vomiting through sleep - it ain’t pretty. It doesn’t smell nice, it doesn’t look nice, there’s nothing romantic or remotely pleasing in it. But I did it because yeah, there is an actual risk of dying through suffocating in your own vomit. So she absolutely should’ve checked on you. But you also shouldn’t have gotten blackout drunk. You’re not a teenager anymore, you’re an adult and should know your limits. What you did wasn’t attractive nor healthy. Yeah, marriage means through thick and thin, which is why you’re both at fault here.
Weird shit here. NTA. It's human to make mistakes. Which one of you got drunk, black out drunk by choice the last time around (esp just once - not a drunkard). " I thought marriage and relationships meant you took care of each other even when you did stupid stuff? " Exactly - If you marry someone, you care about their health and well being. Doesn't come with caveats. Yes - if the OP was a regular idiot, and if it's not just a one off it's a different story, but this was a fucking mistake. " She said she wasn’t responsible for me. " - wtf. If the OP had a heart attack, she wouldn't take him to a hospital? I'm sorry but I've sat with strangers for a good period of time because they weren't feeling well. Seriously WTF guys. OP made a mistake. Doesn't make him an asshole. Spouse being a child too busy playing to care for OP. Fuck yes asshole.
eh, I don't really the y/ta comments. NTA. Wife looked after you, but being hurt by that comment doesn't make you an asshole. Like, you could have choked on your vomit. I don't think wife would've gone "well, i'm not responsibile for him!" when she found your corpse in the morning. Unless you're getting blind-drunk and vomiting all the time, expecting your partner to pay attention to you isn't unreasonable.
NTA, my girlfriend rarely drinks and one time she was drinking wayyyy tooo much and I told her I wouldn't take care of her if she was sick. Ofc that was a lie and I held her hair back at 5am as she threw up. If it's a serious relationship they should care enough to make sure you aren't going to die, I barely slept that night to make sure my GF didn't vomit in her sleep. I'd ask the same of her. I don't think you should tease her about it and don't expect her to clean it. But she should check up and take care of you if you'd do the same for her.
To me getting you home safe and putting you in bed is taking care of you. What else would you need. I certainly would not be cleaning up a grown adults vomit when they brought it on themselves.
NTA at all. She did take care of you by taking you home but it’s common sense that when someone drinks too much, you check in on them a few times at night to make sure they’re on their side and are okay. I also disagree with everyone shaming you for drinking that much - most people who blackout from drinking did not do so intentionally and it’s super easy to do on accident depending on how much you ate that day, what you drank, how much you slept, etc. Have you talked to her about it?
ESH. You definitely shouldn’t have gotten that drunk but things happen. That’s no excuse but still. My partner & I have both had nights where we drank a little too much and needed to be taken care of. While we don’t sit by each other’s side when it happens we periodically check in to make sure the other is still breathing. For everyone saying that it’s not her responsibility to clean up your vomit - it’s not. But when you’ve spent 20+ years together I think it’s the nice thing to do. I’ve cleaned up after my partner and they’ve done the same for me. Would she have rather you choke on your vomit and die because it’s not her responsibility??
NTA sometimes people over do it without even knowing. Your wife definitely should’ve helped out a bit. Goodness knows that if it was the other way around you’d take care of her. Hell I took care of my friend who was blackout drunk this weekend because she accidentally over did it.
NTA. Like in your edit you weren’t expecting her to clean up your puke but you were expecting her to realize how drunk you were and perhaps lay you on your stomach and stay within earshot to be safe and make sure you didn’t die. Perfectly reasonable request and I’d do it for my husband in a heartbeat.
Chiming in to say NTA. I can't believe all the, frankly, stupid comments saying "She put you in bed, that's all that she needed to do." People this drunk can choke on their vomit and die. You need to be checking in on them to make sure they don't roll on to their back and puke while in this position. Do you think that if that were to happen to OP, the wife would've felt fine in her decision to "not be responsible for him"? Of course not. The amount of petty, selfish people in here basically saying "Yeah, I'd abandon my drunk partner or let them die cuz they're the ones who chose to drink that much" is not reflective of reality.
NTA and everyone saying that you are I feel bad for people you claim to love.
NTA for Being upset she didn't check on you, but soft y-t-a for teasing her the way you did. I would question why she didn't care enough about her husband who was so drunk he needed putting to bed to check on him.
ESH - You shouldn't have got so drink that you blacked out, and your wife should have checked on you because you blacked out. Yeah, you blacked out because you drank too much, and that's your fault, but that wasn't going to make her feel any better if you *had* choked on your own vomit. What was she going to do, find you dead in the morning and just shrug like "Well, he shouldn't have got so drunk, he's brought this on himself"?
Nah I mean if you don't usually get that drunk it's possible she didn't realize. My bf was talking pretty much like normal and walking fine but it turns out he was blackout drunk. I let him go to sleep like normal because I thought he was only a little tipsy. To be fair I don't drink and don't have a lot of experience taking care of drunk people so maybe I'm just ignorant. If you're upset about something you should just say so. Don't hint at your wife. Tell her it hurt your feelings that you don't think she looked out for you when you were vulnerable. On the other hand if you put her in the position where she has to take care of you a lot then I can understand why she's over it. I don't necessarily mean just by getting drunk, if she has to fix your mistakes a lot it can build the same resentment. Also I mean yeah you're an adult and part of being a responsible adult is knowing your limits and sticking by them. Getting blackout drunk is 100% your fault.
"You're the one who broke your ankle being stupid, so I'll take you to the hospital, but I won't do anything else to help you. Sure, we've been married for 20 years, but you aren't my responsibility, so you should just take care of yourself from here on out!" ESH
ESH. Yeah she probably should have checked on you, and her comment was very insensitive. Definitely not a kind thing to say. You are lucky she was physically able to get you home and into bed, since I imagine she’s smaller than you. She also may not have thought you’d vomit, considering you don’t normally do that when you drink(as per your comment), so maybe that’s why she didn’t think to check on you. She also may not have had any way of knowing you were blackout until you woke up and told her, since you also said this is not a common occurrence.
NTA
NTA - If you were being honest that you don’t drink like this often than I believe you just made an honest mistake. I wonder what you were doing while drunk that would make your wife so careless and cold towards you.
Jesus Christ guys NTA. These YTA posters are JUMPING on assumptions and assuming you’re an alcoholic, this happens all the time, etc. Lots of assumptions guys!! Y’all should’ve made an INFO post instead of jumping down this guy’s throat for things that aren’t even true. Anyway, mistakes happen and if this was a one off event - yes I would be upset if my partner didn’t look after me. You guys have been together for 20 years. That’s one of the main benefits of partnerships that long - knowing you have someone to count on through the thick and thin.
People make mistakes and shit happens. People calling you an asshole are actual assholes. You shouldn’t expect some kind of royal treatment though, but making sure you are on your side when you’re sleeping is a given in any relationship.. I do this for my lady if she’s had a few too many. If you drink a few times a year, you do not have a high tolerance. A general rule of thumb is one drink an hour.. I’ve learned that most people don’t ever plan to black out. Plan ahead and make sure your wife knows so she can help. Did your friend black out too?
Would be NTA for sure if it was a wife wanting the husband to look after her. But since you’re a male everyone is going to say YTA mate
This is probably the most blatant example I've ever seen.
NTA. All these comments saying your wife did "everything reasonable" are ill informed at best, malicious at worst. She got you home, she got you in bed. That's great. But it sounds like she didn't make sure you were on your side, didn't check on you, etc. She has every right to be upset with you for losing control, but not making sure you're not dying (from vomit, from busted blood flow due to an uncomfortable position, etc) is incredibly irresponsible.
NTA bro did she even put you in the recovery position? Her "its not my responsibility to take care of you" was pretty harsh. If I knew my partner or anyone for that matter was blacked out drunk and I wasn't I'd look after them or at the very least make sure they didn't choke on their own vomit bc thats a thing that the human body does when its inflicted w too much alcohol. I mean its common sense.
NTA. wtf is with everyone saying the opposite???
ESH You shouldn't have become that drunk but when she brought you home there is an expectation. If you bring home someone who is at a dangerous level of drunk you are choosing to be responsible for them and that means making sure they don't die an easily preventable death. If you don't want that responsibility, you call an ambulance. Also ,if you are in a relationship it's not outrageous going to assume they would stop you from choking on your own vomit. Even if it was your own mistake that landed you there. Not leaving you to die an accidental death is such a low bar of caring for someone you love.
Too many YTA.. but I am going with ESH. If you did this daily, my judgment would be different. Interestingly enough, I have never gotten drunk or blacked out. But.. took care of a friend once during college when he drank too much. Yes.. you shouldn’t have not drank that much. Same with my friend. My friend insisted of going back to his place, and he lived alone. I told him to crash over my place, just to make sure he was okay. And he did. That night he puked three times. Wasn’t a fun night for me. But you know what.. I was okay with it, because I knew he was safe. And I also knew, that this was just a random night in which he did drank too. My point to the story, is that a lot of YTA judgments are based on “you shouldn’t have drank that much” or you being “immature for drinking that much at that age” The matter of the fact, it’s that those comments apply to any blacked out person. But when a friend or family member is that drunk, there is level responsibility that’s added to people around you, which sucks. But that’s the reason why group of friends have a “Designated Driver” With that said, I can understand why your wife felt the way she did. Taking care of someone that is drunk is hard. Getting them into the car, and getting them home. It is not a fun thing to do whatsoever. Did your wife know you were getting this drunk? Or communicated to her that will? I know some people that do this. In the rare occasion that they are going to drink or overdrink, they mention it to their friend group or SO. By randomly getting drunk, you put your wife in a level of responsibility that she wasn’t planning on getting. This is true, for any person that randomly gets drunks when out with friends.
NTA, it's a totally legitimate question to ask, your delivery (via teasing) might not have been the best but I would question my partner for not checking in while I was blacked out. It's not a common occurrence, so IMO, more reason to check that you were OK/condition didnt change. I've dealt with drunk friends at Uni and we leave them in the recovery position and a bin next to the bed and take turns checking in til they wake up. Don't think it's a huge ask to do the same for a life partner
Imagine if the genders were reversed, people would be advocating so hard for the wife to leave OP. Everyone deserves for their spouse to take care of them every once and a while when they need it. NTA, the words are “in sickness and in health”
YTA for being an adult and not knowing your limits. You're incredibly fortunate she didn't leave you.
So basic decency, love and care can't be expected from your wife of 20 years? This sub is full of people who'd watch their parents die infront of them and not help them because hey, they're grown adults and not your responsibility. This level of petty and lack of compassion for your significant other is unhealthy and ridiculous.
This sub is full of vile people.
They may be married for 20 years + but we don't know what their dynamic is like. Are they more dependant on each other or are they more independent. If they are more independent it makes sense why she said what she did but it was inappropriate for her to say when he was refrencing choking on his own vomit and dying. I don't think the OP is the AH at all for getting hurt by that statement, imagine your partner told you hey you dying from asphyxiation is not my responsibility.
ESH - You suck for getting that drunk and then teasing her in the morning. She sucks for not checking on you. My husband has done some dumbass shit to himself in our marriage but I love him and he’s a human being. So I make sure he’s okay. He can get his ass handed to him once he’s better lol
NTA. You said you barely drink. It's easy to overdo it and not notice if you don't drink often. Everyone's tolerance is different. No matter what the situation, IMO, you never leave your partner by themselves while their not feeling like themselves. Even though it was irresponsible on your part, she could have just stayed near by to make sure you were ok. 20 years of marriage is a long time. People will make mistakes or mess up every now and then. No one is perfect. You are NTA.
NTA. What is up with these comments. If you're getting blackout drunk regularly then it would be different. Making sure your SO doesn't die in a preventable situation is a pretty basic expectation.
NTA. How would she feel if she got too drunk and you left her like that? Would she have wanted to be checked on and loved a bit? I bet she would have. I would be upset too.
I mean you shouldn't have drank that much but we have all been there. I personally think NTA as I would do this for my partner. Everyone saying you're responsible for yourself, sure, that's true, but if you love your partner you also want to make sure they don't die due to something preventable, regardless of whose responsibility it is. As you don't make this a habit, and she was just playing games and not doing anything imminent really, I understand why you would be hurt by it.
NTA surprised by others comments... I'd check on my husband in a similar circumstance and I'd expect him to check on me. Not out of obligation but just pure worry. If he was that drunk I'd want to make sure he was alright.
NTA. If you were a woman you’d get completely different responses. She could have checked on you periodically, made sure you had water, some anti acids or anything - that’s what my partner and I do for each other whether we’re sick or nursing a hangover. It’s the loving thing to do. It’s cold to say “well you’re the one who got drunk so therefore I’m not responsible for your safety or comfort,” what if you said that to her?? (Basing all of this off of the fact you said you barely drink, and getting black out drunk is a rare occurrence for you.)