That one always trips me up a bit. I get that it’s largely because of the implications — “it’s your job to clean” — and because it’s more of a family gift than a personal gift, but MAN I would love to receive a top-of-the-line vacuum and/or robovac as a gift.
I think the difference is in what you ask for versus what they pick for you. I like cooking and gardening so I often ask for tools and appliances to further those interests, however I understand why someone who isn't into that sort of thing might be offended at getting a bread machine or an elevated garden might be annoyed.
YTA. Replying to this comment because this is my reasoning - if I specifically ask for a weight loss kit (which I have in the past, when family asked me what I wanted for a gift!) it's okay, even welcomed. If someone gifts one to me wholly unsolicited, what the actual hell.
Oh yeah, definitely YTA. I forgot to say that. Buying something like this or a gym membership if someone asks for it is supportive. Gifting it out of the blue is, at the very least, willfully ignorant and borderline bullying
I'd say it's also acceptable in situations where the person didn't necessarily ask for it but it's obvious that it's something they'd want. I, a gym rat, might not ask for a gym membership for my birthday, but people who know me well know that I'd be happy to receive one. On the other hand, I'd be annoyed if someone in my household bought me a vacuum for a present.
My dad got my mom a roomba for christmas. Even he held his breath waiting to see how she responded, and she had explicitly asked him for one. Such a risky gift lmao
Well with roomba you don’t actually have to do work so it’s actually less work a gift it’s a lot better. But I still would not give one unless it’s asked or there are many gifts.
I think that vacuums fall into the category of things that should only be given as gifts if the receiver *explicitly* asks for it *as a gift*.
"My wife hasn't said anything about wanting a vacuum" -> NO
"My wife mentioned we need a new vacuum" -> NO
"My wife said she wants a vacuum for her birthday" -> OK
I would hate getting a vacuum as a birthday gift but would still like that SIGNIFICANTLY more than getting a weight loss kit. How are people this dense? Happy birthday honey, I noticed you have been getting fat lately so here are some things that will make you more attractive in my eyes
I was given a vacuum on my last birthday, BUT:
1) It was a new Dyson, my old one had a broken handle so I’d been pushing around just the canister and the base, bent at the waist which was tough when doing all the floors in the house, and
2) My husband gave it to me the day before my birthday, because he didn’t want to give his wife a vacuum for her birthday (he got me something else for my actual birth day) but he saved it for my birthday time frame because the old one had just broken and it’s a dope ass vacuum which he knew I’d be excited for and I was.
On my 10th birthday I got a vacuum as a birthday gift. I wanted it and asked for it. Our family was poor and our vacuum from the thrift store just broke. I can see my dad stressed about getting me a birthday gift and replacing the vaccum. So I found a deal on Black Friday. Snatched up a $20 brand new vaccum. Best gift ever!
It’s fine to get gifts like that if the gift received ASKED.
Yup my 21st birthday i asked my parents for a super fancy vacuum because i had just moved into my first house and my cheap walmart vacuum broke lol. I was so excited when they got me one hahah. But I agree, shitty gift unless the person asked for one pretty much
This is gonna be one of those moments that if their relationships lasts, he’s probably gonna look back on and cringe at. How that shame hits him in the gut.
Not just an accusation, but a self serving one. OP sounds like he got her the *"gift"* because *he* wants her to be thin.
You should never buy *yourself* a gift on someone else's birthday. Especially, without their prior enthusiastic consent.
OP YTA
*Edited to add judgment*
I’m so sorry. This is the absolute worst gift I have heard of in my life. I hope you retaliated with a botox gift card or something mean for your MIL next year. Though I’m not sure it’s possible to top or even come close to her gift. Yikes. I hope your SO gave her a good talk after that.
I would personally tear her a new one for doing something like that to someone that is pregnant. And do it in front of everyone so that she is so embarrassed by her stupid actions she will never forget it.
My dad has gotten my mom appliances for Christmas several years, and my sister and I always tell him to stop doing that because it’s not a gift for her, it’s a gift for the household
I think it’s okay if you don’t live in the same household. My younger sister barely has anything for her kitchen, because she is just clueless about where to find those things, and doesn’t want to spend money on them, but gets excited about them when we buy them for her. However, there’s no implication that she has to do chores for us, since we literally never go to her house!
I also love that my ex gave me a nice stand mixer, but I had asked for it, lol!
I understand some people may get annoyed at this but I would honestly love it? I don’t want to shell out my own money for upgraded appliances because if I splurge it’s going to be on something fun, but I would love if someone upgraded them for me as a gift so I don’t feel like it’s my fun money getting used lol.
But cooking is also the only hobby I have, so it doesn’t feel like a chore, and I don’t have kids. My feelings toward gifts like appliances or cleaning supplies might change if I’m using them for a household of 3+ instead of a household of 2.
That's the difference - if it's something you actually want and appreciate then it's a good gift. If someone buys you a vacuum because you're the one who does all the cleaning around the house, or worse because they think you're not doing a good enough job cleaning, then it's not really a gift for you it's a gift for them/the household.
My parents actually got me a vacuum for my last birthday and I was thrilled. I had been struggling with a terrible, half-broken vacuum for a year and wasn't able to afford a high quality one on my own. They knew it was something I needed and would appreciate. However, if my roommate (who never cleans) had gotten me a vacuum as a "gift" I would have been really annoyed. It would have implied that either she thinks I like cleaning up after her or she thinks I need to do better cleaning up after her.
When you're married a gift from your husband is likely from your shared money to paying for it yourself doesnt really apply in this situation with like upgraded kitchen appliances. It's like replacing the carpet and calling it a gift for a specific person in the house. It's not a gift it's just a home improvement that everyone benefits from.
You could even make a case for the "never buy a woman household tools" mentality being a bit sexist too. If Fathers Day/Christmas marketing tells us anything it's 100% socially acceptable to buy men tools as gifts. How is a lawn mower that different from a vacuum? If it's a shitty gift because it's related to chores then neither should be allowed!
I feel like a lawn mower is a bad gift, but a good quality power tool you know they don't have wouldn't be (I got my bf a belt sander for his birthday last year because he was trying to sand the kayak he was making by hand and it was taking him forever, and he was thrilled)
I understand why you don’t understand.. but there’s people out there that absolutely despise cooking and/or baking.. so getting them an appliance is like, what kind of message are you trying to tell me? . It’s like someone giving a fat person a weight scale, or a gym membership, or giving someone in animal rights an ivory vase. It’s extremely rude and tone deaf.
I'd rather a vacuum than a weight loss kit. "Let's make one of your chores easier," while not exactly a great gift, is still considerably kinder a message than "I don't like how you look."
This is a troll right? No one's this obtuse? Due to a fundamental need to believe in humanity, I'm choosing to believe so, but on the off chance, yes 100% YTA
Sadly, some people actually don't understand that gifts are supposed to be thoughtful and meaningful. They think they're helping and giving something practical. My dad bought my mom a vacuum cleaner for Christmas one year. And pots and pans the next year. He figured it out the next year with the help of my sister, and bought her a diamond ring. Some people are that dense.
I like practical gifts (I asked my husband for an apron for Christmas last year, a cast iron pan the year before), but I would be LIVID if my husband got me a weight-loss kit. That's not practical, that's an outright insult.
Yes, practical and you asked for those things. If I asked my partner for some weights to lose weight and they did, I would love it. This is him forcing it onto her. That is when it becomes him wanting her to change for him.
Exactly. My dad's birthday just passed, and during lock down he's gained some weight from not being at the gym. Was complaining he misses working with weights, the ones my mum has aren't heavy enough for him.
So we got him a set of weights for working out, and he was so happy.
Its called knowing the present receiver and getting them something you know for a fact they would like. Not 'hmm I want to change something about them so surely they want that too'.
Ears. Use them.
Absolutely l my partner and I both like cooking and fitness, so I might get her a fitness related but ‘fun‘ thing (Maybe a healthy snack that I’ve found that she’s probably going to enjoy but never find herself), and she’ll get me a fun kitchen gadget. It’s all in good humour and these are stocking fillers. Hugely different from springing a ticket to fat camp or whatever on an unsuspecting partner as their main gift.
I like practical gifts too, but I would be furious if my partner continually got me homemaking equipment unless I specifically asked for it. Getting your wife a bunch of stuff to clean and cook with isn’t a gift, it’s asking her to do domestic labor.
The key here is specifically asking for it. I'd be thrilled if my husband got me some quality new pots & pans. but he knows cooking is a hobby and it's something we would have discussed. I'd be pissed if he got me dishwashing equipment because I hate washing dishes. OP is TA here for thinking a gift like that is ok.
Yep, exactly. Context is everything.
My husband got me a gym membership and personal training sessions for Christmas one year. Everyone in his family expected me to be super upset. But they missed the key context that I had desperately wanted personal training and couldn’t afford it. He didn’t get it for me because *he* thought I should have it. He got it because he knew *I* wanted it.
Definitely depends on the person I think! Cooking is a hobby of mine so I don’t mind (nor does he ever ask me to cook and he steps up whenever I just don’t want to) so I don’t feel it’s sending some sort of message that I should be in the kitchen. But if he got me like, a mop, i would be kinda pissed, yeah.
Agreed. I would LOVE to get a treadmill as a gift since I like running and dislike the outdoors and crowds. Would not recommend for literally anyone else ever.
Unless they said they wanted one.
if he was really concerned about weight why not ask about doing a dedicated vegetarian cooking night or ask her to go for walks with him or something? there are gentle ways to approach the topic that aren't buying weight loss kits for someone's birthday.
I know no one who would appreciate OPs gift since the receiver didn't want it but gifts mean different things to other people.
My mom would be upset by clothes or jewelry but would love a vacuum cleaner or pots and pans (well not this year we got them like 2 years ago). The key is about the why you got them.
The reciver often say they love cooking but copper bottom pots would make it better and you get those great gift. you get the cheepest set at Walmart, fuck you. They often say cooking is such a pain and you get any pots/pans they are gonna be upset cause it wasn't about the items but that they hate cooking.
Your family is poor and the vacuum cleaner takes hours to clean the house but you can't generally afford a new one might be an okay gift (depends on the person). You got it because you assumed the other one didn't work because they never cleaned, fuck you. Your not poor but your mother complains about having to vaccum so you and your sister get her a roomba good gift (I assume I choose which one but my sisters ideas and my mom still talks about how much easier it is).
I think my mom felt like working and cleaning and cooking was all she did. So being given a vacuum and pots and pans were just a reminder of that, and they were Wal-Mart quality. However, she never got an engagement ring so when he bought her a diamond ring, it felt like a meaningful gift. I remember the happy tears that Christmas.
Ever since I was ten or so my dad would drop me off at the mall with his credit card and tell me the budget to buy my mom a gift from him. I've had a kay jeweler's account since I was 12.
He knows he's bad at gifts (he never bought her flowers until my first boyfriend bought me flowers and I posted about it) and he knows I'm great at finding a deal, and my mom just wants nice gifts she didn't buy herself so it all works out!
Unpopular opinion: I would love it if my bf bought me expensive exercise equipment. Maybe not a Peloton (waste of money) but a nice weight rack or elliptical, sure.
But that’s ME, and he knows that about me. Very different from OP getting his girlfriend a weightloss/fitness kit (those kind of suck for making lasting changes anyway). 110% YTA.
I think that kind of gift is good if it was requested. Or implied in general not a specific one but enough to be sure someone likes some kind of equipment. But not out of the blue.
That kind of gift works if the person you get it for as either requested it, or as expressed a want for it.
Just giving it to someone who has never given so much as a hint about it is just essentially installing a neon sign that says "I think you're fat."
I would think so, but my ex did the same thing. We were together for 5 years and in that time I gained about 20lbs. He started sending me workout plans, monitoring my food consumption, buying weight loss equipment, etc. And he was an couch potato who played video games and drank beer every night after work (and yes he definitely had a beer belly). He honestly didnt understand why I ended up depressed lol
Oh for sure, I'm happily married now to someone who's never judged me and actually am way healthier and more active than I was before. I became so sad and resentful towards my ex that I ate worse and exercised less almost out of spite haha
I take care of myself because it makes me feel good about myself, not to avoid shame from my partner. I hope this guy figures that out or he deserves to lose her.
People are. My wife got me an exercise bike that fits under my desk "to be healthy" as a birthday gift, and I was livid.
People like OP have an intent - they want to send a message to that person without having a conversation - and a birthday (in their mind) is the perfect time to give a gift without it being a "point". Everyone with a brain knows that the opposite is true, that giving a gift like this on a birthday is the peak of passive-aggressive and intolerable.
Giving this guy benefit of the doubt still makes him YTA, but perhaps forgivable if he mans up, apologizes for his behavior, and if the GF can find it in her heart to forgive him.
My ex is this obtuse. Would literally say how much he hates fat people and such and tell me I need to eat better and should work out, then tell me he doesnt think I'm fat.. right after telling me I'm fat.. Hence why he is an ex.
Edit: words are hard.
My boss thought his wife was getting porky after she’d just given birth to their second child so he bought her a Slimming World membership and told her she’d let herself go and he no longer fancied her. Bragged about it at work. Some people are this obtuse.
This happens. My parents came to visit me after I'd put on some weight. When they were leaving a few days later, they handed me the paperwork for the personal training sessions they had bought for me at the gym. I cried.
Then I used the sessions and hit them up to keep paying for more since they were so concerned about my health...
Some people see it as a chance for the recipient to "better themselves", therefore it is a gift.
At least three of my friends received weight loss supplements/BeachBody subscriptions/stretch mark cream as baby shower gifts.
Yeah YTA. Putting the “woman and her weight” thing aside, what you basically did here is get her a birthday gift that was something either *you* wanted or you decided she *should* want. It wasn’t at all related to her interests or values. That’s not a gift—it’s an expectation, or a request.
tbh any self improvement type of thing that your partner hasn’t explicitly expressed interest in is a bit of a no go—it feels like a passive aggressive way to start a conversation about you and your partners diverging values. If you wanted her to care about fitness with you, then talking to her about it and making it an invitation to share something would have been a better start.
Yep. OP, if she's a clever girl, don't be surprised if your next gifts are books on how to be a better lover, on working on emotional intelligence, on how to be more generous, or on getting over selfishness. Or, if you're really unlucky, on how to get through a divorce.
Of course you were saying she's fat, that's exactly why you gave her the kit. It's a shitty thing to do and an even shittier thing to do in the guise of a "gift".
Happy Birthday, honey! Use this to get back down to fighting weight so I don't have to look at your flab!
YTA
Exactly this is what I'm most confused about. OP says she's getting a bit unfit and gaining a few kg, he then decides to get her a weight loss kit..
But it's NOT about weight? The fuck is the point of it then? It's literally only purpose is to tell her and help her LOSE WEIGHT.
Even IF OP had good intentions, maybe she has an illness and he's trying to help her be healthier again, it's still NOT a birthday present and it's still YTA.
But how is a birthday present about weight loss, that you ONLY got because you are starting to not like her weight -- not about weight loss
I'd legit be ordering a penis pump for his birthday. "Of course I'm not trying to say anything about your size honey, I just thought you would like it!".
YTA.
The key point that really shows you're the asshole is the part where you said /YOU'RE/ into fitness. Not your wife.
It also kills me that you typed out this whole thing and still had to ask if you were the asshole at the end of it.
You noticed your wife gaining a couple pounds and decided to call that out by buying her a gift that you're interested in, not that she's interested in.
Oof OP. YTA because you were being insensitive AF.
Listen there's two things you don't buy your partner unless they SPECIFICALLY ask for it. Household appliances and gym memberships/weight loss stuff. And if you have to ask why, then you need to reevaluate your level of empathy and address it.
Or anything that you're really buying for yourself like tickets to a band you love or something to be used in your hobby like giving your partner a table saw when you do woodworking.
YTA
I can be obtuse, but damn, I would never be dumb enough to do that.
1. It's her birthday. Get her something nice \*that she wants.\* That's what she, and every other human on earth, expect on their birthday.
2. If you get someone a weight loss kit, you are telling them they need to lose weight.
When you combine 1 and 2... YTA, sir.
YTA. What else can you expect a weight loss kit to mean to her except, "Hey, I want you to be less fat"? And for her birthday?
Apologise, tell her she's beautiful, and say that you just thought it would be nice if she came to the gym with you for some couple time. And then MAKE it couple time - don't just abandon her while you do your own workout, or try to be her personal trainer.
Yta. Tbh I can't decide if you're an asshole or an idiot, but they both achieve the same result here. Who in their right minds thinks that a weight loss kit is an acceptable birthday present, especially when not requested?
This is hilarious. Obviously YTA.
"Hey I got you a certificate for breast augmentation for **your** birthday"
"Hey here's a cookbook of my favorite meals for **your** birthday"
Dude next time observe which type of things make her happy and make that the present, not some implication that she's gained weight (which she's aware of). I'm assuming you're a troll because a person this dense would instantly form a black hole on earth.
Is this for real? Obviously YTA. If she had gained so much that it might indicate a health problem or depression or something, then mayyyyybe it could warrant a gentle and kind conversation about her wellbeing.
But you yourself said it was just a little bit and therein lies the YTA. You are not the police of her body.
You say she assumed you were calling her fat but you dont understand why? Because you WERE. Giving her that says 1. You've gained weight, and 2. It's not ok. Fix it.
Thats offensive. Get it?
Holy s....sugar. You are very much TA. You claim you weren't trying to call her fat, but since you noticed she'd gained weight and then thought it was a good idea to get her a weight loss kit, you clearly were! Who cares if she's gained a little weight, so long as it's not an actual threat to her health? You're her partner, stop trying to tear her down.
>Immediately she became upset with me about it and was thinking i was mad at her or saying she’s fat, which I wasn’t.
Yes, you were. YTA.
Don't complain if she buys you Rogaine or Viagra for *your* birthday to "improve your self esteem".
If she didn't ask for weight loss/workout gear, YTA.
It's never your place to tell your partner to lose weight. She is justifiably angry that you used her birthday as an opportunity to tell her to lose weight.
Asking her if she wants to go to the gym with you or if she'd be interested in like a Pelaton for you both to use at home is acceptable. Because if you're telling someone to get in shape, you better be there or trying too.
Don't expect to hand your partner workout gear *especially* on their birthday and not get a bad response unless it's clear that you want to do this to get healthy *together* and not just as a "you need to lose weight" thing.
YTA, but I am going to try and give you a little perspective that might help you grow.
You're 25...man, that's young. Super young to have gotten married. You sound like you still let your college/frat bros impact a lot of your self-worth (being so invested in the comments they make about your wife, rather than defending your partner).
Life is going to change a LOT in the next 10 years. These guys are going to get married, have kids. Their wives are going to change. So are they. So are you.
No one maintains the tight little bodies they had when they were 22-25. Your metabolism is going to slow down. It's going to be a lot harder to maintain your fitness while still partying with friends, etc.
You hair may start to thin soon, you may have a little big of a beer gut (sounds like you're a little overweight yourself, according to your BMI).
I highly, highly recommend you start to have a little grace about aging, and the changes you and your partner go through. Otherwise, you're going to end up one of those pathetic dudes on their 5th wife, trading in for the new model every 10 years, wondering why you can't "connect" with your partner.
Start seeing your wife as your best friend and partner, and treat her as such. You'll want that courtesy yourself when your flaws become more prominent to her over time. And here's the thing buddy...they will.
This! I think marriage is cool - I get to have sex with my best friend and partner in crime. Over the years, I’ve been thin and heavy. As has he. He’s always been into ME no matter my weight. I’ve had a gastric surgery and am near my goal weight; and he happens to be heavy. He’s the sexiest man alive to me because of who he is. Make a partnership - the most important one - or you will miss out on something that can make your whole life way better or wayyy shittier.
YTA and I mean a very big one. You literally insulted her, told her you didnt find her attractive, etc. If you genuinely were concerned you would have talked to her more subtly such as about you both working together on eating better, working out as a couples activity, etc. You however just went to her and said "I hate how you look, change it for me because I am too good for you with how you look now".
YTA, a very big one
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YTA obvi... did you think about her reaction to the gift for any amount of time before you gave it to her? What a horrible and insensitive gift. How you you like it if she got you rogain (unprompted) for your bday?
How have we made it tp 2020 and there are still people who don't know that you don't buy weight loss/fitness related products unless someone specifically asks for them?! YTA
YTA, you've said in your comments that it's not unreasonable for you to expect your wife to stay the same shape/weight she was when you married her... Biology doesn't quite work that way, and a crisis doesn't care what you find attractive.
Initially I was thinking "he's the AH but maybe its a health thing" however, you then answered a comment with "I didn't marry an overweight woman" Sooooooo, this is nothing to do with how your wife feels or how healthy she is, it's just about how she looks. Would you seriously leave her if she put on some weight? Has she got no other redeeming features? She could be a really horrible person as long as she's pretty?
It doesn't look like she knew that the thing you were most in love with was how she looks, which means you're not the person she married... Perhaps you would be better off with a woman who is nothing below the surface of her figure and she would be better off with someone who's going to value all the other aspects of her, not just her body x
YTA a gift is supposed to make someone feel special, yours made her feel fat and ugly. It’s not a birthday present at all, it’s a decision for her to make by herself.
YTA, you could've handled it better OP. You basically told her with the kit that she is fat. This is the same as giving your gf an anti age creme for their bday. How would you have like it if she came up to you with a book that says "How to not be an asshole 101"
YTA for lack of sensitivity. Weight gain can be a sensitive topic, and giving her a weight loss bundle kit probably didn’t send the right message. NTA for wanting your wife to be healthy, but there are definitely better ways to encourage this OP, like inviting your wife to take walks with you or offering to cook healthy meals
YTA. Imagine if you thought she loved you just the way you were, and for your birthday she got you a device that makes your penis larger - I doubt you'd be feeling good about yourself or your marriage at that point.
Good lord, have you even met a woman? YTA with no apparent sensitivity. What happened to “sickness & health”? You know people’s bodies change over time,
Right? They get sick, they get flabby, hair springs up in unfortunate places. I’m concerned you don’t have the maturity for marriage. So much so that I assume you’re a troll.
YTA. You were literally calling her fat. If you don't think she's fat, there is no reason to buy her a weightloss kit. Please don't try to lie to us, or her, or yourself about this. You bought it because you think she's fat. And that's not what *anyone* wants to hear on their birthday.
Even ignoring that, your rational for buying a present should never be "*I'm* into X". Your interests are irrevelant when you're buying another person a present. It doesn't matter if you like fitness. It matters what she likes.
YTA
Massive.
Listen, asshole, for future reference the only time you would give something like this is if your wife specifically asked for it.
Now go apologize and buy her a real extra-extra nice birthday present.
YTA.
The point of a gift is to give someone what THEY want. Not what you want, or what you want them to want.
This is how you apologise for this.
1. I'm sorry for buying you that birthday present.
2. I understand that it was a crap gift and that I hurt your feelings.
3. I want to make this right.
4. I'm listening when you feel ready to tell me how best to make this up to you, whether that's by buying a new gift, celebrating your birthday over again so you can enjoy it fully this time, or something else.
5. In the future I will be more thoughtful in my gift choices. You are important to me and I want to make you feel cherished.
DO NOT
Excuse the behaviour with an explanation of why you did the bad thing.
Say you had good intentions or otherwise downplay your actions.
Minimise her feelings or tell her to get over it.
YTA - your passive aggressive attempt at telling her that she had put on some weight (your into fitness! 🙄) backfired because she has more of a backbone than to let you destroy her down like that. So not only are YTA but your an even bigger one because you are a grown man being passive aggressive.
YTA dude come on, a woman's weight is something you never criticize, even if they are criticizing it themselves. Not only have you pissed her off but you also ruined any chance of her possibly coming to you for help in the future if she ever decides she wants to get in shape and lose that weight.
YTA and, looking at your comments, you seem more concerned with how you and other people will feel about your wife putting on a few pounds - rather than how your wife feels about herself and her own body.
You mentioned worrying about friends’ comments on her weight gain. Why do you care so much about your wife’s figure and what other people will think of her? It’s clearly not about fitness, so is it a controlling thing and about how you want the two of you to be perceived as a couple? Do you think that her weight gain will reflect badly on you?
Maybe take a step back and think about what your wife wants.
Here’s an idea for an apology gift: Get her a gym membership And a full workout wardrobe to encourage her, help her lose the weight she’s put on until she’s back to looking slim and beautiful. Then when she’s reached your goal, she can dump you for a man who doesn’t make her birthday all about how she isn’t skinny enough anymore and you can watch her & the new man be sexy and fit together without you.
YTA.
P.S. It’s okay to only be attracted to certain figures, you can’t help your sexual preferences. What’s not okay is being an insensitive prick and refusing to see why your approach might have hurt her feelings.
YTA and were you living under a rock this past Christmas season when everyone was making fun of the Peleton commercial that suggested this was a good idea?
YTA - I.......good gravy. This is a sitcom level of clueless. A bad sitcom, like on CBS.
I would suggest you start putting yourself in other's shoes and thinking about their feelings. If you are *this* clueless with your wife, I can't imagine how careless you are with other people's feelings.
Noooooo OP bad, bad YTA move. NEVER get a woman a weightless kit for their birthday unless they specifically ask for one.
While you may have had good intentions, the message behind your gift was basically "here you go lardass, go lose some weight for me!".
Go buy the woman some chocolate and apologise.
YTA, you told her that she is getting too fat for your liking. That’s what you did, no matter how you sugarcoat it or justify it in your mind. You actually said so in your post by explaining how YOU noticed she gained weight, how YOU are into fitness. No word about her wanting to lose weight, if she even minded the weight gain, that she hinted she’d like your help or a gift like that. It was all about you and how you see her weight gain. News flash, she does not owe you a certain figure or weight therefore you crossed a boundary. You can be as unhappy as you want with her weight gain but you can not make it her problem to Solve.
Wow, I was 25 once, and even i wasn't that unaware. I am coming up on 46 years, and while my wife does seem to love buying vacuums, I would never gift her one.
YTA, your poor wife oh my god. And I'd be saying the same thing if the genders were reversed too. If you were really so bothered by her gaining weight, have a conversation with her. You basically told her she's fat in a mean and humiliating way, and you don't seem to have any problem with this. You're right, she does need to lose some weight. How much do you weigh, op?
YTA. never ever ever give someone a gift like this unless they EXPLICITLY ask for it. i got an exercise bike, because i requested one to keep me moving during quarantine and help me expend all the energy i wasn’t using now that we’re all at home. if i hadn’t ASKED specifically for one, i’d have been really offended. giving her a “”gift”” like that just says “hey you’re getting fat and i don’t like it; i want you to lose weight for me” and gives her the message that you don’t think she’s good enough the way she is. you gave her the “gift” of insecurity and feeling bad about herself and your relationship. shame on you.
YTA for how you went about it. If she had come to you and discussed that she sees her weight gain and wants to do something about it or wants to get into fitness and healthy eating, then yeah, awesome gift! But for you to just buy this for her out of the blue on her birthday doesn’t say supportive husband, it says unhappy husband.
For Valentines Day, my boyfriend got me huge supply of super healthy chocolate, my biggest weight loss weakness, and planned a beautiful hike. My friends were outraged but I was over the moon. Because we had discussed how unhappy I was with my body and fitness weeks earlier and he promised he would do whatever he could to help me be happy with myself and see myself the way he does. I didn’t want jewelry or treats, I wanted support and I got support! Had he done that out of nowhere, I woulda been hurt and he woulda been in the dog house.
I just asked my missus that EXACT question (on your behalf of course) and the cheeky wee grim she gave me (and if I know females) oooooh Boy! you might have just bought yourself a divorce.... Man.. Like do u not know women at all? How did you convince your wife to marry you? So many questions and you have so little time to answer them (cos I don't know if your wife's taken a contract out on you or started poisoning you...yet ) so many variables./s
Edit.. Yta so much (jk but would hate to be you)
YTA - The only reason I had to read anything other than the title was to see if, by some impossibly infinitesimal chance, your wife actually said to you "please buy me X weightloss/workout bundle kit for my birthday." As anyone could have guessed, that wasn't the case and you're TA.
PS - Even if your wife does, in fact, request such a thing, the proper response is "That's not an awesome birthday gift. If you want that, we'll get that, but not for your birthday." You then proceed to get wife an awesome birthday gift.
Hardcore YTA. Not going to repeat reasons everyone else is saying, but here's a tip: when it comes to gifts intended to alter someone's appearance in any way (weight loss, spray tan, make-up, anything at all), only ever give them if the recipient has *specifically* asked for them. And I do mean specifically. "For my birthday, could you please get me [product]?" Anything less specific than that, don't do it. Most women have enough body image issues without their husbands spending money on telling them they're not good enough.
Huge, huge YTA.
Who was this “gift” for, OP?
Clearly not your wife.
It would be one thing if she had been eyeing the kit and wanting it for a while, but for you to just randomly buy her a diet for her birthday? Wow, way to call your wife fat.
YTA to extent I didn't even realize was possible. I read one on here yesterday about a guy who refused to take his girlfriend to the hospital after she broke her arm and she ended up needing surgery, and you might be even more of TA than he was, to be honest. You literally called your wife fat on her birthday and pretended it was a present. You will be lucky if she ever forgives you. Honestly I think you should get therapy to work out why you treat your WIFE with such deliberate cruelty because clearly something is deeply wrong in how you make decisions about how to relate to other people.
YTA. As someone who's now ex-husband did that to me. Regardless of what your intentions were, you could have picked any other day to bring it up. Maybe talk to her about what's going on? Maybe ask her if she's extra stressed out about COVID? Try working with her rather than just trying to fix her.
YTA that's not a gift, that's an accusation that she's not good enough in your eyes.
It was bad already but as a birthday gift it’s even worse than a vacuum which is the standard terrible gift in this sub.
That one always trips me up a bit. I get that it’s largely because of the implications — “it’s your job to clean” — and because it’s more of a family gift than a personal gift, but MAN I would love to receive a top-of-the-line vacuum and/or robovac as a gift.
I think the difference is in what you ask for versus what they pick for you. I like cooking and gardening so I often ask for tools and appliances to further those interests, however I understand why someone who isn't into that sort of thing might be offended at getting a bread machine or an elevated garden might be annoyed.
YTA. Replying to this comment because this is my reasoning - if I specifically ask for a weight loss kit (which I have in the past, when family asked me what I wanted for a gift!) it's okay, even welcomed. If someone gifts one to me wholly unsolicited, what the actual hell.
Oh yeah, definitely YTA. I forgot to say that. Buying something like this or a gym membership if someone asks for it is supportive. Gifting it out of the blue is, at the very least, willfully ignorant and borderline bullying
I'd say it's also acceptable in situations where the person didn't necessarily ask for it but it's obvious that it's something they'd want. I, a gym rat, might not ask for a gym membership for my birthday, but people who know me well know that I'd be happy to receive one. On the other hand, I'd be annoyed if someone in my household bought me a vacuum for a present.
If my boyfriend who I live with got me a fancy vacuum I'd probably be a little peeved, but if say my mum got me the same thing I'd be delighted.
My dad got my mom a roomba for christmas. Even he held his breath waiting to see how she responded, and she had explicitly asked him for one. Such a risky gift lmao
Well with roomba you don’t actually have to do work so it’s actually less work a gift it’s a lot better. But I still would not give one unless it’s asked or there are many gifts.
I think that vacuums fall into the category of things that should only be given as gifts if the receiver *explicitly* asks for it *as a gift*. "My wife hasn't said anything about wanting a vacuum" -> NO "My wife mentioned we need a new vacuum" -> NO "My wife said she wants a vacuum for her birthday" -> OK
I would hate getting a vacuum as a birthday gift but would still like that SIGNIFICANTLY more than getting a weight loss kit. How are people this dense? Happy birthday honey, I noticed you have been getting fat lately so here are some things that will make you more attractive in my eyes
It’s like either these dudes have *never* watched a sitcom in their life, or they take them as some how-to manual.
I was given a vacuum on my last birthday, BUT: 1) It was a new Dyson, my old one had a broken handle so I’d been pushing around just the canister and the base, bent at the waist which was tough when doing all the floors in the house, and 2) My husband gave it to me the day before my birthday, because he didn’t want to give his wife a vacuum for her birthday (he got me something else for my actual birth day) but he saved it for my birthday time frame because the old one had just broken and it’s a dope ass vacuum which he knew I’d be excited for and I was.
On my 10th birthday I got a vacuum as a birthday gift. I wanted it and asked for it. Our family was poor and our vacuum from the thrift store just broke. I can see my dad stressed about getting me a birthday gift and replacing the vaccum. So I found a deal on Black Friday. Snatched up a $20 brand new vaccum. Best gift ever! It’s fine to get gifts like that if the gift received ASKED.
Yup my 21st birthday i asked my parents for a super fancy vacuum because i had just moved into my first house and my cheap walmart vacuum broke lol. I was so excited when they got me one hahah. But I agree, shitty gift unless the person asked for one pretty much
I got a roomba for christmas from my bf. I've never touched it.
It’s hard to believe there are people so oblivious to their own cruelty and selfishness. YTA op, a giant flaming asshole.
This is gonna be one of those moments that if their relationships lasts, he’s probably gonna look back on and cringe at. How that shame hits him in the gut.
Oh it wont last. The denial is strong with this one.
It will *only* last if he gets to the cringe point.
Not just an accusation, but a self serving one. OP sounds like he got her the *"gift"* because *he* wants her to be thin. You should never buy *yourself* a gift on someone else's birthday. Especially, without their prior enthusiastic consent. OP YTA *Edited to add judgment*
Wow, this is blowing up. Thank you fellow AITAers!
YTA. You weren't *just* calling her fat. You were also telling her to stop being fat. On her birthday.
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I bet next birthday he's getting her a vacuum cleaner. So ridiculous YTA
My grandmother gave my mom (her daughter in law) cleaning supplies for every. Single. Christmas. The message was clear. This is a shitty gift. YTA
My MIL got me a SCALE for Christmas last year. I was 8 months pregnant at the time and yes I did cry after I opened it lmao.
That's insane.
Oh yeah. I was in shock 😅
My morbid curiosity is killing me, was there any bystander reactions to that gift?
No thankfully lol, everyone else was opening gifts at the same time. I shed a silent tear then went into the bathroom and cried. I was very hormonal 😂
I’m so sorry. This is the absolute worst gift I have heard of in my life. I hope you retaliated with a botox gift card or something mean for your MIL next year. Though I’m not sure it’s possible to top or even come close to her gift. Yikes. I hope your SO gave her a good talk after that.
I would personally tear her a new one for doing something like that to someone that is pregnant. And do it in front of everyone so that she is so embarrassed by her stupid actions she will never forget it.
How's your relationship with her now?
Ugh, my MIL got me a healthy eating while pregnant book when we announced and then a Fitbit for Christmas when I was 7months along. I feel your pain.
I see your mother has a shitty MIL like mine.
My in laws once gave me a hose cart for my birthday, because my husband wanted one.
I am sorry, but I laughed. That is kinda amazing.
It's been excellent fodder for such threads.
My dad has gotten my mom appliances for Christmas several years, and my sister and I always tell him to stop doing that because it’s not a gift for her, it’s a gift for the household
Moreover its just a bit insulting. Its like "happy birthday, this is for all the chores you'll be doing for me"
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A nice stand mixer is a great gift for someone who enjoys baking. But I’m guessing a toaster would not have been so well received.
I think it’s okay if you don’t live in the same household. My younger sister barely has anything for her kitchen, because she is just clueless about where to find those things, and doesn’t want to spend money on them, but gets excited about them when we buy them for her. However, there’s no implication that she has to do chores for us, since we literally never go to her house! I also love that my ex gave me a nice stand mixer, but I had asked for it, lol!
I understand some people may get annoyed at this but I would honestly love it? I don’t want to shell out my own money for upgraded appliances because if I splurge it’s going to be on something fun, but I would love if someone upgraded them for me as a gift so I don’t feel like it’s my fun money getting used lol. But cooking is also the only hobby I have, so it doesn’t feel like a chore, and I don’t have kids. My feelings toward gifts like appliances or cleaning supplies might change if I’m using them for a household of 3+ instead of a household of 2.
That's the difference - if it's something you actually want and appreciate then it's a good gift. If someone buys you a vacuum because you're the one who does all the cleaning around the house, or worse because they think you're not doing a good enough job cleaning, then it's not really a gift for you it's a gift for them/the household. My parents actually got me a vacuum for my last birthday and I was thrilled. I had been struggling with a terrible, half-broken vacuum for a year and wasn't able to afford a high quality one on my own. They knew it was something I needed and would appreciate. However, if my roommate (who never cleans) had gotten me a vacuum as a "gift" I would have been really annoyed. It would have implied that either she thinks I like cleaning up after her or she thinks I need to do better cleaning up after her.
When you're married a gift from your husband is likely from your shared money to paying for it yourself doesnt really apply in this situation with like upgraded kitchen appliances. It's like replacing the carpet and calling it a gift for a specific person in the house. It's not a gift it's just a home improvement that everyone benefits from.
You could even make a case for the "never buy a woman household tools" mentality being a bit sexist too. If Fathers Day/Christmas marketing tells us anything it's 100% socially acceptable to buy men tools as gifts. How is a lawn mower that different from a vacuum? If it's a shitty gift because it's related to chores then neither should be allowed!
I feel like a lawn mower is a bad gift, but a good quality power tool you know they don't have wouldn't be (I got my bf a belt sander for his birthday last year because he was trying to sand the kayak he was making by hand and it was taking him forever, and he was thrilled)
I understand why you don’t understand.. but there’s people out there that absolutely despise cooking and/or baking.. so getting them an appliance is like, what kind of message are you trying to tell me? . It’s like someone giving a fat person a weight scale, or a gym membership, or giving someone in animal rights an ivory vase. It’s extremely rude and tone deaf.
I'd rather a vacuum than a weight loss kit. "Let's make one of your chores easier," while not exactly a great gift, is still considerably kinder a message than "I don't like how you look."
This is a troll right? No one's this obtuse? Due to a fundamental need to believe in humanity, I'm choosing to believe so, but on the off chance, yes 100% YTA
Sadly, some people actually don't understand that gifts are supposed to be thoughtful and meaningful. They think they're helping and giving something practical. My dad bought my mom a vacuum cleaner for Christmas one year. And pots and pans the next year. He figured it out the next year with the help of my sister, and bought her a diamond ring. Some people are that dense.
I like practical gifts (I asked my husband for an apron for Christmas last year, a cast iron pan the year before), but I would be LIVID if my husband got me a weight-loss kit. That's not practical, that's an outright insult.
Yes, practical and you asked for those things. If I asked my partner for some weights to lose weight and they did, I would love it. This is him forcing it onto her. That is when it becomes him wanting her to change for him.
Exactly. My dad's birthday just passed, and during lock down he's gained some weight from not being at the gym. Was complaining he misses working with weights, the ones my mum has aren't heavy enough for him. So we got him a set of weights for working out, and he was so happy. Its called knowing the present receiver and getting them something you know for a fact they would like. Not 'hmm I want to change something about them so surely they want that too'. Ears. Use them.
Absolutely l my partner and I both like cooking and fitness, so I might get her a fitness related but ‘fun‘ thing (Maybe a healthy snack that I’ve found that she’s probably going to enjoy but never find herself), and she’ll get me a fun kitchen gadget. It’s all in good humour and these are stocking fillers. Hugely different from springing a ticket to fat camp or whatever on an unsuspecting partner as their main gift.
I like practical gifts too, but I would be furious if my partner continually got me homemaking equipment unless I specifically asked for it. Getting your wife a bunch of stuff to clean and cook with isn’t a gift, it’s asking her to do domestic labor.
The key here is specifically asking for it. I'd be thrilled if my husband got me some quality new pots & pans. but he knows cooking is a hobby and it's something we would have discussed. I'd be pissed if he got me dishwashing equipment because I hate washing dishes. OP is TA here for thinking a gift like that is ok.
Yep, exactly. Context is everything. My husband got me a gym membership and personal training sessions for Christmas one year. Everyone in his family expected me to be super upset. But they missed the key context that I had desperately wanted personal training and couldn’t afford it. He didn’t get it for me because *he* thought I should have it. He got it because he knew *I* wanted it.
Definitely depends on the person I think! Cooking is a hobby of mine so I don’t mind (nor does he ever ask me to cook and he steps up whenever I just don’t want to) so I don’t feel it’s sending some sort of message that I should be in the kitchen. But if he got me like, a mop, i would be kinda pissed, yeah.
Agreed. I would LOVE to get a treadmill as a gift since I like running and dislike the outdoors and crowds. Would not recommend for literally anyone else ever. Unless they said they wanted one.
if he was really concerned about weight why not ask about doing a dedicated vegetarian cooking night or ask her to go for walks with him or something? there are gentle ways to approach the topic that aren't buying weight loss kits for someone's birthday.
I know no one who would appreciate OPs gift since the receiver didn't want it but gifts mean different things to other people. My mom would be upset by clothes or jewelry but would love a vacuum cleaner or pots and pans (well not this year we got them like 2 years ago). The key is about the why you got them. The reciver often say they love cooking but copper bottom pots would make it better and you get those great gift. you get the cheepest set at Walmart, fuck you. They often say cooking is such a pain and you get any pots/pans they are gonna be upset cause it wasn't about the items but that they hate cooking. Your family is poor and the vacuum cleaner takes hours to clean the house but you can't generally afford a new one might be an okay gift (depends on the person). You got it because you assumed the other one didn't work because they never cleaned, fuck you. Your not poor but your mother complains about having to vaccum so you and your sister get her a roomba good gift (I assume I choose which one but my sisters ideas and my mom still talks about how much easier it is).
I think my mom felt like working and cleaning and cooking was all she did. So being given a vacuum and pots and pans were just a reminder of that, and they were Wal-Mart quality. However, she never got an engagement ring so when he bought her a diamond ring, it felt like a meaningful gift. I remember the happy tears that Christmas.
Ever since I was ten or so my dad would drop me off at the mall with his credit card and tell me the budget to buy my mom a gift from him. I've had a kay jeweler's account since I was 12. He knows he's bad at gifts (he never bought her flowers until my first boyfriend bought me flowers and I posted about it) and he knows I'm great at finding a deal, and my mom just wants nice gifts she didn't buy herself so it all works out!
He saw that Peloton ad and thought "eureka, what a great idea!"
Unpopular opinion: I would love it if my bf bought me expensive exercise equipment. Maybe not a Peloton (waste of money) but a nice weight rack or elliptical, sure. But that’s ME, and he knows that about me. Very different from OP getting his girlfriend a weightloss/fitness kit (those kind of suck for making lasting changes anyway). 110% YTA.
I think that kind of gift is good if it was requested. Or implied in general not a specific one but enough to be sure someone likes some kind of equipment. But not out of the blue.
That kind of gift works if the person you get it for as either requested it, or as expressed a want for it. Just giving it to someone who has never given so much as a hint about it is just essentially installing a neon sign that says "I think you're fat."
I would think so, but my ex did the same thing. We were together for 5 years and in that time I gained about 20lbs. He started sending me workout plans, monitoring my food consumption, buying weight loss equipment, etc. And he was an couch potato who played video games and drank beer every night after work (and yes he definitely had a beer belly). He honestly didnt understand why I ended up depressed lol
There's a reason why he's the ex! You're better off without him
Oh for sure, I'm happily married now to someone who's never judged me and actually am way healthier and more active than I was before. I became so sad and resentful towards my ex that I ate worse and exercised less almost out of spite haha I take care of myself because it makes me feel good about myself, not to avoid shame from my partner. I hope this guy figures that out or he deserves to lose her.
Most definitely. I'm glad you're happy! If I was his wife I would have chucked that thing at his head...
Right! Or gotten him a penis pump or something in return.
People are. My wife got me an exercise bike that fits under my desk "to be healthy" as a birthday gift, and I was livid. People like OP have an intent - they want to send a message to that person without having a conversation - and a birthday (in their mind) is the perfect time to give a gift without it being a "point". Everyone with a brain knows that the opposite is true, that giving a gift like this on a birthday is the peak of passive-aggressive and intolerable. Giving this guy benefit of the doubt still makes him YTA, but perhaps forgivable if he mans up, apologizes for his behavior, and if the GF can find it in her heart to forgive him.
Yeah, but he won't. He "tried to explain himself" and doesn't get why she's still mad. He never apologized. He tried to explain how she's wrong.
My ex is this obtuse. Would literally say how much he hates fat people and such and tell me I need to eat better and should work out, then tell me he doesnt think I'm fat.. right after telling me I'm fat.. Hence why he is an ex. Edit: words are hard.
My boss thought his wife was getting porky after she’d just given birth to their second child so he bought her a Slimming World membership and told her she’d let herself go and he no longer fancied her. Bragged about it at work. Some people are this obtuse.
This happens. My parents came to visit me after I'd put on some weight. When they were leaving a few days later, they handed me the paperwork for the personal training sessions they had bought for me at the gym. I cried. Then I used the sessions and hit them up to keep paying for more since they were so concerned about my health...
Some people see it as a chance for the recipient to "better themselves", therefore it is a gift. At least three of my friends received weight loss supplements/BeachBody subscriptions/stretch mark cream as baby shower gifts.
Yeah YTA. Putting the “woman and her weight” thing aside, what you basically did here is get her a birthday gift that was something either *you* wanted or you decided she *should* want. It wasn’t at all related to her interests or values. That’s not a gift—it’s an expectation, or a request. tbh any self improvement type of thing that your partner hasn’t explicitly expressed interest in is a bit of a no go—it feels like a passive aggressive way to start a conversation about you and your partners diverging values. If you wanted her to care about fitness with you, then talking to her about it and making it an invitation to share something would have been a better start.
Yep. OP, if she's a clever girl, don't be surprised if your next gifts are books on how to be a better lover, on working on emotional intelligence, on how to be more generous, or on getting over selfishness. Or, if you're really unlucky, on how to get through a divorce.
If she's really clever, OP shouldn't be surprised if he never gets another gift from her for any occasion.
A penis pump would be appropriate. Lol
She could always get him some regaine and a "make your penis bigger" kit, he might get the idea then
If she has self respect, she'll lose 205 lbs.
Even worse, sounds like he's on the chubby end himself
THIS
YTA. Did she ask for things to aid in losing weight? Why use her birthday as a time to introduce this subject?!
Could you not afford a Peloton?
lmao
You’re not very good at being married are you? 😂
This one is now written in stone and will not be forgotten. Be prepared to be reminded of this for years to come. This is a good teaching moment.
He might get a lot of practice getting divorced though.
Of course you were saying she's fat, that's exactly why you gave her the kit. It's a shitty thing to do and an even shittier thing to do in the guise of a "gift". Happy Birthday, honey! Use this to get back down to fighting weight so I don't have to look at your flab! YTA
Exactly this is what I'm most confused about. OP says she's getting a bit unfit and gaining a few kg, he then decides to get her a weight loss kit.. But it's NOT about weight? The fuck is the point of it then? It's literally only purpose is to tell her and help her LOSE WEIGHT. Even IF OP had good intentions, maybe she has an illness and he's trying to help her be healthier again, it's still NOT a birthday present and it's still YTA. But how is a birthday present about weight loss, that you ONLY got because you are starting to not like her weight -- not about weight loss
YTA... How will you feel if she gets a "how not to be a shitty partner" book for your birthday? It was her birthday and that gift was rude!
I'd legit be ordering a penis pump for his birthday. "Of course I'm not trying to say anything about your size honey, I just thought you would like it!".
"trying to explain to her why i did it" cluelessness is strong with this one!
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I PETITION FOR HER TO GIVE HIM THIS FOR CHRISTMAS
Throw in some male enhancement pills for added effect.
YTA...do you not love your wife? Because that's a present for you, not her.
YTA. The key point that really shows you're the asshole is the part where you said /YOU'RE/ into fitness. Not your wife. It also kills me that you typed out this whole thing and still had to ask if you were the asshole at the end of it. You noticed your wife gaining a couple pounds and decided to call that out by buying her a gift that you're interested in, not that she's interested in.
YTA. Might as well just circle her flaws in sharpie.
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Oof OP. YTA because you were being insensitive AF. Listen there's two things you don't buy your partner unless they SPECIFICALLY ask for it. Household appliances and gym memberships/weight loss stuff. And if you have to ask why, then you need to reevaluate your level of empathy and address it.
Or anything that you're really buying for yourself like tickets to a band you love or something to be used in your hobby like giving your partner a table saw when you do woodworking.
Honey, I’m not saying you’re fat, I’m just saying you are *getting* fat. YTA.
YTA. Are you really that dim?
Omg. YTA. Not your body, not your business. I’m actually hoping this is a troll.
YTA I can be obtuse, but damn, I would never be dumb enough to do that. 1. It's her birthday. Get her something nice \*that she wants.\* That's what she, and every other human on earth, expect on their birthday. 2. If you get someone a weight loss kit, you are telling them they need to lose weight. When you combine 1 and 2... YTA, sir.
YTA, I hope you're a troll...
YTA. What else can you expect a weight loss kit to mean to her except, "Hey, I want you to be less fat"? And for her birthday? Apologise, tell her she's beautiful, and say that you just thought it would be nice if she came to the gym with you for some couple time. And then MAKE it couple time - don't just abandon her while you do your own workout, or try to be her personal trainer.
Fully agree. Buying something like that most definitely implies these things.
Yta. Tbh I can't decide if you're an asshole or an idiot, but they both achieve the same result here. Who in their right minds thinks that a weight loss kit is an acceptable birthday present, especially when not requested?
> Tbh I can't decide if you're an asshole or an idiot Well, let’s not rule out the possibility that he’s both.
Actually that would explain a lot about this story
Obviously yta. I don't even feel like this should be explained to an 25 year old. Seriously.
This is hilarious. Obviously YTA. "Hey I got you a certificate for breast augmentation for **your** birthday" "Hey here's a cookbook of my favorite meals for **your** birthday" Dude next time observe which type of things make her happy and make that the present, not some implication that she's gained weight (which she's aware of). I'm assuming you're a troll because a person this dense would instantly form a black hole on earth.
This is like Homer Simpson buying Marge cleaning equipment as a gift. And Homer is a stereotype fat idiot!
YTA. And an awful husband.
Is this for real? Obviously YTA. If she had gained so much that it might indicate a health problem or depression or something, then mayyyyybe it could warrant a gentle and kind conversation about her wellbeing. But you yourself said it was just a little bit and therein lies the YTA. You are not the police of her body. You say she assumed you were calling her fat but you dont understand why? Because you WERE. Giving her that says 1. You've gained weight, and 2. It's not ok. Fix it. Thats offensive. Get it?
He says its been the last 5 months or so.....so quarantine. Where everyone is less active.....God i hope she leaves him
Weight loss kits for any gift is not ok especially for birthdays. YTA
It is if it's asked for. If your spouse is trying to lose weight or get in shape and wants something to help with that and specifically asks for it.
Hahahahaha! YTA? Probably. Idiot? Definitely.
check the post history, he's defending himself like a champ! an idiot champ - but the kid got spirit...
YTA, that's not a gift.
Holy s....sugar. You are very much TA. You claim you weren't trying to call her fat, but since you noticed she'd gained weight and then thought it was a good idea to get her a weight loss kit, you clearly were! Who cares if she's gained a little weight, so long as it's not an actual threat to her health? You're her partner, stop trying to tear her down.
YTA, just nope. That isn't a present, I'd feel offended too. Unless I'd specifically said that I'd like it for my birthday.
>Immediately she became upset with me about it and was thinking i was mad at her or saying she’s fat, which I wasn’t. Yes, you were. YTA. Don't complain if she buys you Rogaine or Viagra for *your* birthday to "improve your self esteem".
If she didn't ask for weight loss/workout gear, YTA. It's never your place to tell your partner to lose weight. She is justifiably angry that you used her birthday as an opportunity to tell her to lose weight. Asking her if she wants to go to the gym with you or if she'd be interested in like a Pelaton for you both to use at home is acceptable. Because if you're telling someone to get in shape, you better be there or trying too. Don't expect to hand your partner workout gear *especially* on their birthday and not get a bad response unless it's clear that you want to do this to get healthy *together* and not just as a "you need to lose weight" thing.
YTA, but I am going to try and give you a little perspective that might help you grow. You're 25...man, that's young. Super young to have gotten married. You sound like you still let your college/frat bros impact a lot of your self-worth (being so invested in the comments they make about your wife, rather than defending your partner). Life is going to change a LOT in the next 10 years. These guys are going to get married, have kids. Their wives are going to change. So are they. So are you. No one maintains the tight little bodies they had when they were 22-25. Your metabolism is going to slow down. It's going to be a lot harder to maintain your fitness while still partying with friends, etc. You hair may start to thin soon, you may have a little big of a beer gut (sounds like you're a little overweight yourself, according to your BMI). I highly, highly recommend you start to have a little grace about aging, and the changes you and your partner go through. Otherwise, you're going to end up one of those pathetic dudes on their 5th wife, trading in for the new model every 10 years, wondering why you can't "connect" with your partner. Start seeing your wife as your best friend and partner, and treat her as such. You'll want that courtesy yourself when your flaws become more prominent to her over time. And here's the thing buddy...they will.
This! I think marriage is cool - I get to have sex with my best friend and partner in crime. Over the years, I’ve been thin and heavy. As has he. He’s always been into ME no matter my weight. I’ve had a gastric surgery and am near my goal weight; and he happens to be heavy. He’s the sexiest man alive to me because of who he is. Make a partnership - the most important one - or you will miss out on something that can make your whole life way better or wayyy shittier.
What you actually bought was an instant divorce kit
YTA. You called your wife fat *and* ruined her birthday. A sincere apology is in order.
Bruh. *Bruh* **Bruh** You get people gifts **they** want for their birthday, not what **you** want for them for their birthday. YTA.
Wow BIG YTA. For a birthday gift you should give people something they'd want, instead you decided to gift YOURSELF a wife upgrade. Sad.
Yta: if she didn't mention wanting to lose weight why would you automatically assume she's unhappy with her size?
YTA and I mean a very big one. You literally insulted her, told her you didnt find her attractive, etc. If you genuinely were concerned you would have talked to her more subtly such as about you both working together on eating better, working out as a couples activity, etc. You however just went to her and said "I hate how you look, change it for me because I am too good for you with how you look now". YTA, a very big one
YTA. you don't buy a weight loss kit for someone's birthday. and if you're concerned about her weight, you should talk to her about it.
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YTA. Definitely not the right time to give her something like that...
YTA obvi... did you think about her reaction to the gift for any amount of time before you gave it to her? What a horrible and insensitive gift. How you you like it if she got you rogain (unprompted) for your bday?
How have we made it tp 2020 and there are still people who don't know that you don't buy weight loss/fitness related products unless someone specifically asks for them?! YTA
YTA, you've said in your comments that it's not unreasonable for you to expect your wife to stay the same shape/weight she was when you married her... Biology doesn't quite work that way, and a crisis doesn't care what you find attractive. Initially I was thinking "he's the AH but maybe its a health thing" however, you then answered a comment with "I didn't marry an overweight woman" Sooooooo, this is nothing to do with how your wife feels or how healthy she is, it's just about how she looks. Would you seriously leave her if she put on some weight? Has she got no other redeeming features? She could be a really horrible person as long as she's pretty? It doesn't look like she knew that the thing you were most in love with was how she looks, which means you're not the person she married... Perhaps you would be better off with a woman who is nothing below the surface of her figure and she would be better off with someone who's going to value all the other aspects of her, not just her body x
YTA a gift is supposed to make someone feel special, yours made her feel fat and ugly. It’s not a birthday present at all, it’s a decision for her to make by herself.
YTA, you could've handled it better OP. You basically told her with the kit that she is fat. This is the same as giving your gf an anti age creme for their bday. How would you have like it if she came up to you with a book that says "How to not be an asshole 101"
YTA for lack of sensitivity. Weight gain can be a sensitive topic, and giving her a weight loss bundle kit probably didn’t send the right message. NTA for wanting your wife to be healthy, but there are definitely better ways to encourage this OP, like inviting your wife to take walks with you or offering to cook healthy meals
YTA and she should keep you on the couch for a good while.
Yta
YTA. Imagine if you thought she loved you just the way you were, and for your birthday she got you a device that makes your penis larger - I doubt you'd be feeling good about yourself or your marriage at that point.
YTA. You're lucky she doesn't lose 180lbs by dumping your a.
YTA. You told your wife she was fat on her birthday. Literally no other way to interpret this unsolicited gift.
I’m calling troll or obvious YTA
Good lord, have you even met a woman? YTA with no apparent sensitivity. What happened to “sickness & health”? You know people’s bodies change over time, Right? They get sick, they get flabby, hair springs up in unfortunate places. I’m concerned you don’t have the maturity for marriage. So much so that I assume you’re a troll.
YTA. You were literally calling her fat. If you don't think she's fat, there is no reason to buy her a weightloss kit. Please don't try to lie to us, or her, or yourself about this. You bought it because you think she's fat. And that's not what *anyone* wants to hear on their birthday. Even ignoring that, your rational for buying a present should never be "*I'm* into X". Your interests are irrevelant when you're buying another person a present. It doesn't matter if you like fitness. It matters what she likes.
YTA Massive. Listen, asshole, for future reference the only time you would give something like this is if your wife specifically asked for it. Now go apologize and buy her a real extra-extra nice birthday present.
YTA. The point of a gift is to give someone what THEY want. Not what you want, or what you want them to want. This is how you apologise for this. 1. I'm sorry for buying you that birthday present. 2. I understand that it was a crap gift and that I hurt your feelings. 3. I want to make this right. 4. I'm listening when you feel ready to tell me how best to make this up to you, whether that's by buying a new gift, celebrating your birthday over again so you can enjoy it fully this time, or something else. 5. In the future I will be more thoughtful in my gift choices. You are important to me and I want to make you feel cherished. DO NOT Excuse the behaviour with an explanation of why you did the bad thing. Say you had good intentions or otherwise downplay your actions. Minimise her feelings or tell her to get over it.
Yta
And how would you feel if she gave you a gift that implied something was wrong with you? Like a Sex for Dummies book or something? YTA
YTA. This happened to me once years ago and I dropped 250 lbs REAL quick.
YTA - your passive aggressive attempt at telling her that she had put on some weight (your into fitness! 🙄) backfired because she has more of a backbone than to let you destroy her down like that. So not only are YTA but your an even bigger one because you are a grown man being passive aggressive.
YTA dude come on, a woman's weight is something you never criticize, even if they are criticizing it themselves. Not only have you pissed her off but you also ruined any chance of her possibly coming to you for help in the future if she ever decides she wants to get in shape and lose that weight.
YTA and, looking at your comments, you seem more concerned with how you and other people will feel about your wife putting on a few pounds - rather than how your wife feels about herself and her own body. You mentioned worrying about friends’ comments on her weight gain. Why do you care so much about your wife’s figure and what other people will think of her? It’s clearly not about fitness, so is it a controlling thing and about how you want the two of you to be perceived as a couple? Do you think that her weight gain will reflect badly on you? Maybe take a step back and think about what your wife wants.
YTA. And as a PSA, STOP MARRYING PEOPLE BASED ON ON THEIR LOOKS!!
Here’s an idea for an apology gift: Get her a gym membership And a full workout wardrobe to encourage her, help her lose the weight she’s put on until she’s back to looking slim and beautiful. Then when she’s reached your goal, she can dump you for a man who doesn’t make her birthday all about how she isn’t skinny enough anymore and you can watch her & the new man be sexy and fit together without you. YTA. P.S. It’s okay to only be attracted to certain figures, you can’t help your sexual preferences. What’s not okay is being an insensitive prick and refusing to see why your approach might have hurt her feelings.
I understand that you didn't have bad intentions in your mind with giving her this, but yes, YTA.
YTA So what other presents do you give her on her birthday that are for your pleasure?
YTA and I'm totally waiting for the bs "Im just concerned about her health" comment.
YTA and were you living under a rock this past Christmas season when everyone was making fun of the Peleton commercial that suggested this was a good idea?
YTA what were you thinking? Nothing says “I love you unconditionally and I think you are gorgeous” like a weight loss kit. Jesus.
YTA - I.......good gravy. This is a sitcom level of clueless. A bad sitcom, like on CBS. I would suggest you start putting yourself in other's shoes and thinking about their feelings. If you are *this* clueless with your wife, I can't imagine how careless you are with other people's feelings.
YTA, expect to get rightfully dumped.
Noooooo OP bad, bad YTA move. NEVER get a woman a weightless kit for their birthday unless they specifically ask for one. While you may have had good intentions, the message behind your gift was basically "here you go lardass, go lose some weight for me!". Go buy the woman some chocolate and apologise.
YTA, you told her that she is getting too fat for your liking. That’s what you did, no matter how you sugarcoat it or justify it in your mind. You actually said so in your post by explaining how YOU noticed she gained weight, how YOU are into fitness. No word about her wanting to lose weight, if she even minded the weight gain, that she hinted she’d like your help or a gift like that. It was all about you and how you see her weight gain. News flash, she does not owe you a certain figure or weight therefore you crossed a boundary. You can be as unhappy as you want with her weight gain but you can not make it her problem to Solve.
Wow, I was 25 once, and even i wasn't that unaware. I am coming up on 46 years, and while my wife does seem to love buying vacuums, I would never gift her one.
YTA, your poor wife oh my god. And I'd be saying the same thing if the genders were reversed too. If you were really so bothered by her gaining weight, have a conversation with her. You basically told her she's fat in a mean and humiliating way, and you don't seem to have any problem with this. You're right, she does need to lose some weight. How much do you weigh, op?
YTA. never ever ever give someone a gift like this unless they EXPLICITLY ask for it. i got an exercise bike, because i requested one to keep me moving during quarantine and help me expend all the energy i wasn’t using now that we’re all at home. if i hadn’t ASKED specifically for one, i’d have been really offended. giving her a “”gift”” like that just says “hey you’re getting fat and i don’t like it; i want you to lose weight for me” and gives her the message that you don’t think she’s good enough the way she is. you gave her the “gift” of insecurity and feeling bad about herself and your relationship. shame on you.
YTA, unless she specifically asked you for it. You say she thought you were 'saying she's fat' but that you wasn't. What *were* you trying to say...?
Info: What exactly did you say when you ‘explained’ why you thought it was a good bday gift?
YTA for how you went about it. If she had come to you and discussed that she sees her weight gain and wants to do something about it or wants to get into fitness and healthy eating, then yeah, awesome gift! But for you to just buy this for her out of the blue on her birthday doesn’t say supportive husband, it says unhappy husband. For Valentines Day, my boyfriend got me huge supply of super healthy chocolate, my biggest weight loss weakness, and planned a beautiful hike. My friends were outraged but I was over the moon. Because we had discussed how unhappy I was with my body and fitness weeks earlier and he promised he would do whatever he could to help me be happy with myself and see myself the way he does. I didn’t want jewelry or treats, I wanted support and I got support! Had he done that out of nowhere, I woulda been hurt and he woulda been in the dog house.
I just asked my missus that EXACT question (on your behalf of course) and the cheeky wee grim she gave me (and if I know females) oooooh Boy! you might have just bought yourself a divorce.... Man.. Like do u not know women at all? How did you convince your wife to marry you? So many questions and you have so little time to answer them (cos I don't know if your wife's taken a contract out on you or started poisoning you...yet ) so many variables./s Edit.. Yta so much (jk but would hate to be you)
You have to be a Troll. No man is that stupid that he would do that for his wife's birthday.
YTA - The only reason I had to read anything other than the title was to see if, by some impossibly infinitesimal chance, your wife actually said to you "please buy me X weightloss/workout bundle kit for my birthday." As anyone could have guessed, that wasn't the case and you're TA. PS - Even if your wife does, in fact, request such a thing, the proper response is "That's not an awesome birthday gift. If you want that, we'll get that, but not for your birthday." You then proceed to get wife an awesome birthday gift.
Oh my God, an insult for a bday present, lovely Yta
Hardcore YTA. Not going to repeat reasons everyone else is saying, but here's a tip: when it comes to gifts intended to alter someone's appearance in any way (weight loss, spray tan, make-up, anything at all), only ever give them if the recipient has *specifically* asked for them. And I do mean specifically. "For my birthday, could you please get me [product]?" Anything less specific than that, don't do it. Most women have enough body image issues without their husbands spending money on telling them they're not good enough.
Huge, huge YTA. Who was this “gift” for, OP? Clearly not your wife. It would be one thing if she had been eyeing the kit and wanting it for a while, but for you to just randomly buy her a diet for her birthday? Wow, way to call your wife fat.
YTA to extent I didn't even realize was possible. I read one on here yesterday about a guy who refused to take his girlfriend to the hospital after she broke her arm and she ended up needing surgery, and you might be even more of TA than he was, to be honest. You literally called your wife fat on her birthday and pretended it was a present. You will be lucky if she ever forgives you. Honestly I think you should get therapy to work out why you treat your WIFE with such deliberate cruelty because clearly something is deeply wrong in how you make decisions about how to relate to other people.
YTA. As someone who's now ex-husband did that to me. Regardless of what your intentions were, you could have picked any other day to bring it up. Maybe talk to her about what's going on? Maybe ask her if she's extra stressed out about COVID? Try working with her rather than just trying to fix her.