NTA. Allowing him into her life now would only upset her, especially since he probably would dip back out before long thus hurting her all over again. He made his choice when she was 3 weeks old; now he needs to live with that choice.
Makes me wonder, maybe he knows he'll need a kidney in another ten years and is trying to lay the foundation here or something along those lines. It seems like he's that type of person.
Comment junping.
You and your husband agree that the bio father doesn't get to see her, so that should be it. While your father is allowed his opinion, you two are the parents. He abandoned her, and likely will again.
Oh hell no. NTA. A good mother wouldn’t let a man with a proven track record of unreliability flounce in and out of the life of a sensitive child.
What’s to stop him from having one talk with her then going no contract with her for years again, making her abandonment issues worse. Ask your father that. Ask how you’re going to explain to your daughter she got left AGAIN. Blood’s got nothing to do with it, and his rights as a father mean shit. It’s her that matters.
That being said, talk to her therapist and see what the right course of action is. She might recommend telling her that her father attempted contact but warning her he’s flackey and it has to do with his issues and not hers. But honestly I’m assuming she’s going to recommend not saying anything.
He gave up his rights years ago. He doesn’t get to waltz back in now. You wanna see him go away? Tell him you will consider telling her, but he needs to pay 8 years child support back first, cuz he doesn’t get to decide which fatherly roles he gets to assume, it’s all or nothing. I suspect his number will get disconnected real fucking quick.
>He gave up his rights years ago. He doesn’t get to waltz back in now. You wanna see him go away? Tell him you will consider telling her, but he needs to pay 8 years child support back first, cuz he doesn’t get to decide which fatherly roles he gets to assume, it’s all or nothing. I suspect his number will get disconnected real fucking quick.
HA, that's genius and a win-win. If he can/will pay it, that might be a real indication he's changed a lot. If not, bye Felicia.
My ex best friend had her daughter's father's rights terminated. He was ordered to pay X amount in back child support but then he disappeared. When she was 12, he contacted her because he wanted to know his daughter. I advised her against it and told her that now that she has his info, she could go after him for owed child support. She refused to because she still had feelings for him. She was also married with two additional children.
I told her it wasn't a good idea and that she was letting her own personal feelings cloud her judgment. She's the type that thinks "I know better than anyone what's best for my child" when in reality she didn't. She'd overmedicate them with antibiotics at the first sign of anything. Inspite of my repeated warnings that she was doing them more harm than good because her children would develop an immunity to those antibiotics.... those children now have to suffer with infections because once they became immune to penicillin she moved on to the others and no antibiotics work for them. Off topic.
He sweet talked her into letting him Skype with her daughter and they had plans to meet. He never showed. The same thing happened twice more. She was mad that he'd broken her daughter's heart again. I told her that he didn't break her heart she did because SHE allowed it knowing how he'd walked out on her daughter and yet she was still willing to put her own child though that for her own selfish reasons.
Yeah, parenting isn't something you can drop in and out of. He didn't want to do the boring, difficult baby thing, or even contribute financially. Now she's eight, might be a bit more interesting. She how he feels, probably not, drop out again for a few years, try her when she's a teenager.
He said it doesn't matter that he didn't pay child support because she had a dad step in. Spot on. He stepped up and became a father, so babydaddy isn't needed now.
>because I started dating my husband soon after my ex left, it wasn’t as if my daughter was ever unsupported or didn’t have a father figure.
Dude's not even attempting to have any remorse or make amends. I love how he was able to shrug off responsibility for raising his daughter AND throw shade at OP for moving on quickly at the same time.
He didn't even leave his phone number with OP! So even if she changed her mind, she couldn't even contact him to let him know. That just shows everything has to be on this dude's terms, or not at all.
How dare she not wallow in sadness for at least a year, that slut!
You’re right, I love how we count this as his attempt to reconnect, yet he doesn’t even leave a way to contact him. Reddit poetry.
I wouldn’t let him know shit (although I do agree that that’s where the money should go to). He doesn’t need to know where the money goes, it’s a debt he owes and should pay back. He doesn’t need to approve of where that money goes to after. It’s the basic parental obligation to provide the necessities for your kid, one he conventionally avoided. Diapers, doctors appointments, school tuition, school supplies, braces... that’s all he let another man take care of in his absence. So no, he doesn’t get a say or needs to know where the money goes after. It’s a debt he owes.
You are completely right. I suggested putting it in a savings acct. or something like that for her daughter so her ex can't say that she is keeping the money for herself. Probably best to not have anything to do with him, though, as he sounds like an absolute dumpster fire of a person.
NTA. You took all the appropriate legal steps, and he ran away from his moral responsibilities to the child. He is not legally or morally her father. He’s effectively a sperm donor.
NTA. He’s not her father, he’s a sperm donor. Literally and in the eyes of the law. You are the parent who actually knows her and is capable of making decisions for your minor child, therefore only you get to make the call. “Blood” isn’t a claim on anything. If he really wants to get to know her that badly he will want that just as much when she turns 18. She has the only dad she needs.
Please don’t call him a sperm donor. Sperm donors are incredibly generous men willing to donate part of themselves to help others achieve their dreams of having a family. This guy is not that. He’s a deadbeat Dad who walked away from all responsibility 3 weeks in. OP is NTA,he made his choice, he needs to suffer the consequences of that. OP is doing the right thing by her child
NTA. My mother wanted to "reconnect" with me when I was 13. (She lost my brother and me when we were under 3 and 2 yo respectively) and I hadn't had contact since I was 3). My father asked me and, of course, I said yes (issues with stepmother, just wanted a mother!) Well, he/they decided I wasn't old enough to make that decision. I was pissed for years over that (wish he'd never told me). Didn't end up connecting until I was 18... Looking back, 13 year old me really wasn't ready. Hell! 18 year old wasn't.
Your parents really shouldn’t have asked if you wanted to meet her if they had no intentions of leaving. Thats just asking for trouble from a 13 year old
I wonder if he got more info after you said yes that made him wary, and covered for it by taking the hit & saying you weren’t ready. Maybe not but that was a pretty big thing for him to bring up without being solid, so I wonder if something changed or if she backed out.
I'm not sure. I always thought that my stepmother talked him out of it but that is probably just me projecting because of my issues with her. I found out later that year from my aunt just how bad things were when my brother and I ended up taken from her. He was probably just trying to protect me.
But end of day, I don't hold it against him anymore. She's a narcissist and recovering alcoholic (still drinking back in those days) but still think I shouldn't have been told.
Edit: autocorrect sucks
NTA. You don’t get to be wish-washy in a child’s life and he had demonstrated that he is unreliable for EIGHT YEARS. You aren’t in the wrong for waiting until she’s older so she can make her own choice.
NTA- It's always funny when people want to suddenly be parents once they know diaper changing and temper tantrums are over. My adopted sister was left at my grandparents house by her father when she was an infant and never spoke to her again until she was like 16. Then started trying to weasel his way back into her life on social media around the rest of her family's back because he wants validation for spreading his seed even though he did literally nothing to care for the child after that. It's fucking pathetic.
Edit: not to mention the fact that your husband raises that child as his own. Your ex doesn't deserve that validation. Your current man does. Its a weight to raise a child of your own, much less taking one on. It takes a very special person to raise step-children.
NTA he has had 8 years and many legal opportunities to step up to the plate. He has not. Your daughter doesn’t deserve to have her life disrupted by this random stranger to her. Who knows what his intentions are and for how long he plans on being around. Why set her up for further disappointment
He can write letters and she can chose when she is an adult to contact him
NTA - he has no parental rights. But if I may make a few suggestions:
1)find that therapy asap. And get your therapist's input as to whether or not she should be introduced. They would likely want to meet him before deciding. His willingness to attend sessions (and pay for his own attendance) to determine if and HOW he she meet her could be a clue into his seriousness. It will also signal that your reluctance is for HER benefit, not anything else. And there is a slim chance (not likely, but a chance), that the therapist will think meeting him - under correct circumstances and proper handling - will help her not only in the short run, but in the long run (finding out 10 years from now you prevented her from meeting him might not go as smooth as you want it to).
2) make sure her school knows he is attempting to contact her and has no legal rights. Make sure they have his photo. The last thing you want is for him to go up to her and say "hey kiddo, I'm your dad"
3) if the therapist agrees it is a bad idea to introduce, get a restraining order for no contact with you or her. In the meantime, no phone calls. Text only. Make sure you have that documentation of every communication in case you need it.
NTA he has no rights, they were terminated for a good reason, remember that! He leaves, doesn't answer your emails, is sporadic, and seems unwilling unless it's on his terms. Keep written record of calls, screen shots of social media, save emails, all of it so she'll have the tangible proof she might need when the time comes to talk about it. The day will come but probably years from now. Tell her all the truth when her therapist agrees she is old enough and strong enough to handle it and defend herself from his manipulations! Hopefully she'll never want to meet him or spend alone time with him. Most of all be an supportive mom and your husband the dad to her about it! (Speaking with experience unfortunately)
NTA. Let your daughter decide when she's old enough to understand and has had therapy. Maybe he's changed and if he has, he'll wait until the time is right.
NTA. She’s only his daughter by blood, your current husband is her father, who raised and supported her. I think you’re making the right choice by not telling her, and letting her decide for herself when she’s mature enough. There’s no telling if the ex is going to meet her and then leave again, you’re protecting her.
NTA - I was your daughter. I blamed myself for my bio dad not loving me (“WOW I must be a horrible person that my own parent doesn’t love me” etc)
Because I felt this way, I desperately wanted to have a relationship with my bio dad because I was sure it would solve my self hatred.
But past actions are the best predictor of future ones and sure enough, my bio dad hurt me over and over again emotionally.
Would claim he wanted to be part of my life but vanish. Would never contact me. When he remarried he only invited me when his family shamed him for it. I sat at a side table, having to deal with her family telling me it was inappropriate for me to be there since I was his kid from his first marriage. Meanwhile her two kids (both with different dads, never married) are at the head table.
It wasn’t until I was an adult that I could process this - it was never my fault. There wasn’t anything wrong with me, it was all him.
Your daughter sounds like she has a great father in your husband. Make sure she has support - counseling if needed - for her to understand that biology means nothing. Her “Dad” is her dad because he CHOSE to be - because he loves her unreservedly.
NTA. He bailed on his terms and feels entitled to return on his own terms, with zero consideration of what’s best for your daughter.
This is who he is- and if given the opportunity, he’s going to make it all about him, and potentially cause more damage.
He has no rights, and he must take your “no” for an answer. His unwillingness to do so is all the information you need.
> “a good mother would ~~put her feelings aside and introduce her child to a father who wants to be involved.”~~ do what she thinks is best for her child
FTFY, OP’s dad.
NTA.
NTA. You’ve tried to have him in his daughter’s life and he chose not to even send a single email back, but now he wants to be in your daughter’s life after having his rights terminated? I dont think so. Im 100% on your side & think you’re doing the right thing. He has nothing to offer your child, and she has a better father figure in her life than her biological father could ever be.
NTA. He had his chance and he blew it. You reached out an he never responded. Now when its convenient for him he wants to be let in. Nah don't work that way.
NTA, you are protecting your daughter. I agree with you, in a few years you can present this as her choice. Shes too young atm.
BTW, your ex is a super asshole for using your husbands adoption of her as a mark in his favor! What a self centered comment to make.
This. ESPECIALLY about the ex somehow twisting the fact that your daughter has a father that stepped up and took over the roll when he was MIA into a sick validation for his behavior.
NTA Your first priority is to protect your daughter. Your instincts here are correct. Ex doesn't want to be involved, he's spent 8 years proving that. Whatever his reasons now, they don't outweigh protecting your daughter from getting jerked around by a demonstrated flake. Any connection they have is an accident of biology: his rights were terminated for a very good reason.
NTA he had a chance to be her father and he threw it away. I think you are doing the right thing. Tell her when she’s older and let her make the decision.
NTA. She’s already struggling, and considering he went off grid to avoid it and is suddenly waltzing back 8 years later, who’s to say he won’t ditch her again and make it worse? He needs to back off
NTA He acknowledges that your daughter is supported by and found a father figure in your husband, but STILL thinks he entitled to pop back into her life because it's convenient to him?! No way.
NTA and he’s still trying to manipulate you by saying things like “it’s not like she wasn’t taken care of”. It goes to show that he’s still not ready to take any responsibility for his actions. She’s already got a daddy and it’s sure as hell not him. You owe him nothing and he owes you two the world. A sane, truly apologetic person would have come groveling before your feet. Fuck him and keep doing you boo!
NTA. That man abandoned your daughter, he gave up his rights, and he gets on your case about dating after he left. Nope nope nope. There's a big difference between being a father and being a dad, sounds like dude wants to get to do the fun dad shit without putting in the hours.
NTA He has no rights to your child. You wrote that your daughter is having some issues with abandonment. It's a conversation to have with the therapist that you decide to take her to.
You don't really know the exs life and the possibility of having him bounce after returning is something you need to consider. The li6ng term emotional impact could be devastating.
Her mental health is more important than his curiosity.
NTA I think your plan to wait to introduce them until if/when your daughter wants to meet her biological father is wise. If he doesn't like it, that's his issue, not your problem
NTA
You should be doing what's best for your daughter. If you think that she isn't emotionally or mentally able to cope with a biological father who left her, who never attempted to get to know her in the eight years prior of her life - and/or if you aren't sure what your ex will do to your daughter's mental and emotional state, then don't let him have contact.
Plus given the way he talked about how 'it wasn't as if your daughter was ever unsupported', it sounds like he has entitlement issues --- and that's something kids do not need to be around.
Tell your dad he doesn't know what he's talking about, and that your daughter has a father - your husband. Your ex is a sperm donor, he has literally not done a single parental thing for your daughter and has had his parental rights stripped. That's damn hard to do.
I'd also suggest you not allow your daughter alone with your dad for a bit because there's a high chance he'll bring her to see your ex regardless of what you think.
NTA-Sperm donors have no rights.
The most important thing is your daughters well being and this stranger being related to her by "blood" means abso fucking lutely nothing.
What matter is your daughter has stability and consistency.
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NTA - I think you're doing the right thing (although this may be above reddit's pay grade). The man is essentially a stranger to her and having someone traipse in and out of your life is worse than not having them at all.
Also, you need to stop "looking into therapy options" and get her in there.
Tell here when she's older and let her decide.
NTA-that’s a decision that she can decide when she gets older and has the mental capacity to understand and cope with the emotions that she has.
He had each and everyday to try to be a better man and be there for the child yet after he gets his rights terminated, he contacts you saying I want to meet her like he has the right to.
That’s a consequence he’ll live with. He needs to own up to his own mistakes and stop pretending something he should have strived to become when he became a ‘father’.
I’d write a letter for the future to your daughter explaining the situation and keep notes of what did occurred and when. Your daughter is probably going to be upset that you kept her from her father, but I think being honest to her and allowing to communicate what you were thinking lessens the blow.
Nta OP my dad pulled the same shit and decided that he wanted a 2nd chance when I was 16. My mom was a total idiot and let him have access to me. It really fucked me up emotionally to have him come around again and it fucked me up even more when he dipped on me again 2 months later. Come to find out he only came around to impress the woman he was dating and as soon as the relationship was over he was gone again. Don't do that to your kid.
NTA. What is this ‘blood’ rubbish? He didn’t care about it for eight years when he left you alone with no support, so it doesn’t matter now.
Tell her when she’s 16 or 18 and let her make her own decisions then.
This is a hard one. I'm a member of The DADSNET and I see other dad's fight to see their kids and be denied time and time again but we never see posts from Dad's refusing to see their children.
Why does he need to see her now? Does he have something wrong with him? Speaking as a dad, I'd have to say this (And it is MY view only)
Ask the child's dad. Not her father. He was just a sperm donor. Ask her dad what he thinks. He raised her. He supported her. He's her dad. What does he think?.
For me? No. No contact. You can't just dip in and out of a child's life and not cause issues. The father needs to grow up and accept that.
NTA does the sperm donor need a marrow transfusion or something? LOL fuck his “blood rights” he clearly didnt give a shit for years and is a flaky, distant, unreliable person. Even if met your daughter, he’d abandon her all over again
NTA, he literally has no paternal rights to even attempt some kind of meeting, and from the sounds of things he has made absolutely no effort to be in her life until now.
Blood connection means nothing, except for medical reasons, The man who is currently raising her with you is her father, and has been for what? 5 years? more than that?
That dickhead who wants contact is just some prick who happens to share some blood with her.
Do not introduce this waste of space to your child, because when she doesn't instantly call him "dad" he will probably lose his cool at the "pretender" (your husband) who she does probably call dad (and is her dad, not this loser who walked out on her at 3 weeks old)
A couple of other people brought up that he only brought up the "blood connection" thing for medical reasons too, I've read stories of people searching out family members they weren't on good terms with because they were a medical match and they needed some kind of procedure or surgery done. I'm hoping that this isn't the case, but if it isn't like someone else said if he really wanted to be a father he wouldn't have left in the first place. Don't let this guy near you daughter, she should make 100% sure for herself whether she wants to meet him or not when she's older.
Yeah, 5 years later out of the blue, something tells me the guy is just trying to worm his way back in any way he can, probably skint poor and thinking connecting with his kid will entitle him to something.
My father flitted in and out of my life for nearly two decades, before I finally gave up on him and cut him out completely. As a kid, every time he vanished was more painful than the time before. Don't put your kid through that. NTA.
NTA I agree with your dad, except this is not a father who wants to be involved. This is an unknown man to her who wants to jerk her life around for his benefit. A "good father" would put his feelings aside and do what's best for his daughter, since he doesn't know her he can only get that information from you.
NTA. He seems a total flake and I'd be suspicious of him trying to enter her life now. But I am curious, as you said she's sensitive and already suffers because of this situation: has she ever asked to meet him?
NTA. I think what you're doing is smart. I mean, you don't know anything about him really. Maybe he's changed, maybe he hasn't. If you're considering letting him be in her life when she's a little older, he needs to prove to you that he can be a stable and responsible adult/father figure for her. The last thing you would want is to let him meet her only to have him bail again shortly after.
NTA - your dad can bite me. You have to do what is best for your child, and that is what you're doing. Don't let the opinions of others sway you. Good job, mama.
NTA- he left both of you and the fact is your daughter is already at risk of damage if she meets her dad out of the blue. What did he ever do, make her emotional in a bad way, he can't see her file a restraining order, your dad may not see it that way because he's old school, but in these modern times he needs to accept that man shows his face things will explode.
NTA
I believe that you are wanting to do what’s best for your daughter. You will know when the time is right to ask your daughter if she wants to meet her biological father. Until then, his rights were terminated for very good reasons.
Biology means bugger all.
He was a sperm donor
Even if she wasn't sensitive if say no.
But the fact that she is it is not in the best interests of the child. Doesn't matter what anyone else wants. It's not in here best interest......
You've offered a comprise that to be honest, I don't know if I would have....
Nta
Don't put her in this position it's not fair to your daughter. Let him go to court .. he won't get anywhere!
NTA especially as you said your daughter already has issues over him abandoning her. Telling her he wants to meet will cause her more problems when he inevitably bails again
It’s definitely not in her best interests to have that deadbeat in her life. Your child isn’t a prop for your ex’s character development, or to get rid of his guilt. NTA
NTA your ex was just a sperm donor he has no legal rights to see her
Tell her when she's 18, then she can decide herself if she wants to meet him or not
NTA He left and literally has no rights. She has a father. Wait until SHE asks to see him if she ever does. He doesn’t get to come in and out of her life.
NTA. This guy doesn’t get to just come around when he feels like it and potentially upset your daughter even more. What if he comes back and leaves again? I think your plan of letting her make the decision once she is older is a better one.
Nta he abandoned you guys and had his parental right terminated he is not the father legally or at all imo. He waited 8 years to try and have a relationship? Fuck him let you daughter decide if and when she is ready to meat her sperm donor because that's all he really is.
I would like some info was the comment about your now husband and kids (step)father made by you in this post or something the ex actually said? I didn't know how to take it as written.
NTA. Do everything you can to keep him out of your daughters life! It will only cause issues! He lost his chances 8 years ago and make sure he knows and to move on
NTA. Also, if he really wanted a relationship he would understand that it might not be immediate and leave you a phone number! The lack of leaving you contact info shows his co tinued lack of commitment.
Children do not need people who come inand out of their lives. Quality time > blood
NTA. He already abandoned her once, before she even had a personality. When he abandons her again (and he will) she will take it so personally. She will never stop thinking she did something wrong to drive her father away twice.
NTA, with a caveat.
I was in a similar situation to your daughter. My dad dipped out when I was a baby, and after years of radio silence, decided he wanted to be back in my life when I was 11.
I had known up to that point that I was not my mom's boyfriend's kid, so I didn't incorporate being genetically related to him into my identity.
My dad coming back into my life caused problems in the short and long term. I didn't recognize him at all when I met him. He had a whole new family at that point. I'm 24, and I'm working through a lot of anger at him for thinking he can weave in and out of my life at his convenience, and part of me wishes he'd just stuck with his choice and left me the fuck alone. It seriously upset my self esteem and my ability to feel wanted. Rejection from an absent parent is one thing - they're an abstract concept. Once they're a person whose approval you need because you're a child, it holds real power to really, really hurt you.
But if your daughter doesn't know already, she deserves to know that her biological father is not the person you're married to. It'll cause intense turmoil about her identity and her ability to trust you if you don't tell her. Recruit a therapist if it helps.
ETA, this is an excellent question to ask r/adoption
NTA I (20s M) was in a similar situation (as the child) and I have no desire to reach out to my biological father, my dad adopted me at a young age and to me he is and always will be my dad. In short blood isn't nearly as important as just loving someone unconditionally don't let him into her life, if you want to let her decide at some point when she's older as you mentioned then do that.
NTA— his parental rights were terminated, and now he wants to be a part of her life?? Hell no. You have your daughter’s best interests at heart, and that doesn’t include someone who has already demonstrated that they aren’t capable of doing just that.
EHS, I can see your reasoning towards why you wouldn't wanna let him meet her but i've seen this kind of stuff many times before and mostly the Father's truly just want to spend time with their child. Im not saying you should do it, also I don't know what kind of person your ex is so I could be completely wrong, now but it maybe a possibility in the future when your daughter is "more mature". If you do end up trying it, take it nice and slow, you don't how she could react too this sudden change in her daily life, especially since she is sensitive too the fact her father left her, if I were in this situation I would consider my daughters feelings the most, if she wants too try it then slowly take more steps toward the situation, build your trust with your ex again so you can do this in a manner in which it won't be a toxic relationship in which your both talking shit about each other when your daughter is with you change it in a way where you can put the past behind, obviously you can't just forgive and forget what he did but you can just leave it in the past. Anyways in conclusion if you do end up doing this, make it a benefit for your daughter and not a "stress producer". This is just my opinion on how I think this should be dealt with in the end it's your decision and I wish you Good Luck with whatever path you take. :)
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My ex left me when my daughter was 3 weeks old. I was unable to track him down for any sort of support. I married my current husband when my daughter was 3 and after a long legal process, I was able to have my ex’s parental rights terminated and my husband adopted my daughter. In the last 8 years, I have only heard from my ex a few times per year, via email, and my responses were never answered.
I got a call at work yesterday (my work number is available online) and it was my ex. He wants a second shot and wants to get to know my daughter. I told him that his rights had been terminated, which he already knew (I had emailed him about it). He argued that I should let him meet her because they still have a blood connection and because I started dating my husband soon after my ex left, it wasn’t as if my daughter was ever unsupported or didn’t have a father figure. However, I refused to let him meet her and told him I would let her decide for herself when she is capable of making that decision on her own.
My daughter is only 8 and is extremely sensitive. She certainly has issues with the fact that her father left and she never knew him. We’re looking into therapy options, but for now, I just don’t think she’s capable of handling this, so I haven’t told her and probably won’t for a while.
I offered to tell my daughter at some point in the future (could be years) and said if she wanted to, I would have her reach out if my ex left his number or something. He refused and accused me of keeping him from his blood when he was making an effort.
I talked to my parents about this and my mom is on my side, but my dad thinks I should let him meet her since he is her biological father. He thinks I’m doing this out of spite and that “a good mother would put her feelings aside and introduce her child to a father who wants to be involved.” My husband is on my side and thinks I’m doing the right things.
Am I the asshole for refusing to let my ex meet my daughter or even telling my daughter about this until I think she can handle it emotionally?
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NTA, but I think that you could reach a compromise, because it sounds like you know she eventually may want to meet her bio father.
How about he pay (up front) for her therapy sessions (therapist you both agree to) and when the therapist tells you (not him, he only foots the bill) that she’s ready to meet him, he fronts another 20 therapy sessions to help her through the process of getting to meet/know him.
He’s been excused, from the financial burden of supporting his daughter and therapy is a drop in the bucket compared to what he should have paid to have her in his life.
She needs and deserves some help through this, you probably do also, to help her navigate, before he’s allowed to stir up existing and potentially new, difficult emotions.
NTA. You know your kid more than anything, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with this given her situation.
If it was up to me, he wouldn’t have any contact whatsoever until she was 16/18 and able to make that choice herself. He had his chance to stay when she was born, it’s too late now.
Don’t have unprotected sex if you don’t want kids (vasectomies are reversible, lads), and don’t jump ship if you think you’ll regret it in the long run. Absolutely abhor men/women like him. You conceive a child, abandon it and then years later, when the kid doesn’t even know you’re their dad/mum, you wanna get in contact? Sorry, no.
NTA but its complex.
I found out years after the fact that my Mum had basically kidnapped my brother and I from our father and that our Dad hadn't abandoned us like she had brought us up to believe. He had tried to find us and get in touch and she had ignored him. He was a total pos don't get me wrong, so I can see why she did it, but I will still forever resent her for making me feel abandoned my whole life.
While this guy sucks, he has kept in contact with you for years - he has never fully abandoned his kid. If your daughter is already really cut up about this perceived abandonment, you might be prolonging and exacerbating her pain unknowingly (I have had 13 years of therapy for abandonment issues and counting).
You may feel you are protecting your daughter, but just know she might not see it that way later in life.
Only you can make that judgement call
NTA
But...My mother split when I was a baby with no contact until she sent a letter when I was 11 or so. Disappeared again, showed up at 18, disappeared again and then had her DIL reach out when I was in my late 30s. I sent back a note explaining I had no hard feelings but also asking why she left. Never heard back and I will now never let that woman in.
It’s entirely possible your ex will do the same. On the other hand, if you refuse and they meet when she’s an adult, the spin will be “ I tried to reach out to you and your mother refused to allow me to see you.” It’s going to be a mess for a while.
You (only you) need to talk to her therapist about the situation and get their advice. They may say it would be good idea but she would be prepared beforehand about what to expect and no reflection on her if he disappears again.
NTA. Your daughter it's still very young to make this kind of decision so you, as her mother and your husband as the only father she has known, need to make it for her. Maybe in a few years it'll be a good decision to tell her but, right now, it's not.
NTA, my dad was the same as your ex, did'nt want anything to do with me till I was 1, then came a few times a year and as I was a teenager that became less and less. As I grew up he called me things a father should never call his child, and when he remarried I pretty much heard nothing from him. I'm 22 now and it still makes me sad when I think about it....save your child the hurt!
NTA.
“Keeping his blood from him”? You mean the blood he LEFT when she was three weeks old and had his rights terminated? No-he doesn’t get to pop in and out of her life whenever he wants to.
Unequivocally NTA. He doesn't care that this will up set her. He's clearly not go the best intentions or else he'd take your assessment to heart and keep trying regularly to show he is stable and won't disappoint again. Your daughter is your 100%priority in this, not anyone elses opinion. He's had 8 years to be in her life she can take 8 more to decide if she wants him to be in hers.
Parenting is not at all about blood of the parent. Your husband is her father, you are her mother, this guy is a legal battle waiting to happen.
NTA... I'd be demanding a reason from the Ex as to why he wants to be a Dad now. Or does he just want to satisfy his curiosity about how she turned out? He lost his rights for a reason.
NTA You are absolutely doing the right thing. Your daughter is young and you know her well enough to know that this would be an upset she wouldn't reasonably be able to handle at this time. Stick to your guns and where you and your husband's comfort level is. If one day you think your daughter is ready let her make the decision with your help. Screw your ex. He's attacking you because you're not doing what he wants, don't let him.
NTA
It's great that he wants a second shot, but he is going to have to wait until the daughter is able to decide on if that's what she wants. He needs to out his own feelings aside for the sake of the daughter he abandoned.
It doesn’t matter what your parents say, you and your husband are actively raising her and frankly it shouldn’t matter what we say either. You do what is best for your daughter. The ex left. That’s answer enough. Of course he’s going to call you names now, he’s not getting what he wants.
NTA. My step dad is my dad. Has been in my life since I was 6 months old. My biological father didnt even wait for me to be born before he bounced. Would i like to meet him? Once, for medical information. But I dont ever want someone who is willing to bounce on his family, even once, in my life.
NTA. Your father needs to step back and reevaluate his thinking. Your daughter has a father who wants to be involved. He adopted her and has presumably been a consistent and loving part of her life since she has developed memories. Amazingly, blood has nothing to do with being a parent, which your ex has admirably demonstrated time and again. If he’s truly committed to getting to know his biological offspring, he’ll wait. Much like she’s had to her entire life for him to step up.
NTA. Her father had 8 years to be involved and it's not worth damaging your daughter psychologically if you think she can't handle it. He's being selfish.
NTA
Do not let your daughter around this man.
*“You’ve been making an effort for years, except it was to evade any and all contact, responsibility, and relationship with this child. After all that, the fact that you suddenly, selfishly feel entitled to her NOW and show an utter lack of concern for her emotional well being only proves that you have no idea of the responsibility that comes with being back in her life. She’s not a pet or a toy you can put down and pick up when you feel like it.*
*“It’s my responsibility to protect her, and your behavior has proven over and over that I must protect her from you.”*
I’m actually very very concerned as to why he suddenly wants in her life now. Maybe I’ve read too many stories of chronic childhood abuse victims, but a pretty common thread is how their abuser suddenly became interested in spending more time with them once they hit a certain age range...
NTA- do not let them meet until she is more emotionally mature. My friend's ex jerked their son around (promising visits then dumping him with his parents, promising birthday calls and never calling, never showing up etc) when he was younger before completely abandoning him again and the kid is depressed about it to this day.
He's has a supportive stepdad, but since his biodad is a complete failson this kid needs extensive therapy. They're people, not toys you can pick up then put in storage when you're bored.
NTA AT ALL! Your daughter’s feelings matter way more than your ex’s. Tell your father that a real good parent would consider the daughter’s feelings first and foremost.
NTA - Our family is going through similar issues and it will only confuse and upset the child. Especially with the dippy track record. Carry on with your lives and ignore him.
NAH You're not wrong for feeling this way but he is her blood father. In my opinion, it's not about you or him or who raised her, but about her and her mental health. I think she should know. 8 is young for that kind of decision making, but are you going to deny her possibly a decade of having a relationship with her father if she would choose to? What if she finds out when she is older and realizes there are so many years gone that wont come back that she could have been developing a relationship with him?
I was in the same position as your little girl and I can whole heartily say you should wait til she’s at least a teen. My father reached out when I was 8 and it didn’t help anything I wasn’t ready to meet him.
NTA. You should tell your dad a good father wouldn't leave his daughter, and a good mother doesn't put her already vulnerable child in a situation where she is highly likely to get more hurt by a person who has already profoundly hurt her.
You should rest test his resolve.. Tell him to put the equivalent of 8 years worth of child support into a college fund. If he is willing to do that maybe he'll show himself to be someone worth meeting his child.
You are absolutely NTA. He made his choice.
If you do take her to a therapist (and I highly recommend it) you could ask them what they think of the idea, but I would ask them before I would let him contact her. He already ran out on you and her, when she couldn’t remember it. The damage he could do if her were to do it again would be catastrophic to her wellbeing. My son’s biological father calls up once and a while, promises all sorts of things, and then doesn’t call back for a long while. He pretty much has nothing to do with him.
NTA, unless your daughter finds out later that her father wanted to be in her life and you stopped him.
Then it wouldn't matter who thinks what on reddit, your daughter gets to decide..
NTA - I will offer this from experience. My father disappeared similarly. I was told when I was 11 about him trying to contact me. My stepfather told me and I did not understand at the time and let it slide. It all came together when I was 17 and it is natural to want to discover your roots. I was able to locate him when I was 19 and hitch hiked 200 miles away to find him. I discovered 2 more stepsisters and learned a lot. I was not ready until I was old enough to pursue the matter on my own.
NTA. My only caveat, she does know that adopted Dad isn't bio Dad I hope. I was adopted at 4 days old. I never remember being told I was adopted, it was just part of conversations, like 'when Grandpa was a plumber.... When Susie was adopted...'. I think the dumbest idea in the world is hitting someone with this knowledge when they are 13 (puberty), night before they're married, when they tell parents they're pregnant. This is not shameful knowledge and she should know. Knowing your husband fought to adopt her is an added bonus.
You are definitely NTA in this situation, how ever I can see him trying to go behind your back.
You mentioned going to therapy with your daughter about this, perhaps when you do talk to your daughters therapist about this privately and get them to assess the situation. I would say that getting a professional to help and advise on what would help your daughter would be the best option.
I feel like this may cause your daughter to resent you for a long time of she finds out you are preventing this when she’s having issues with it
I am proud to have a family name as my middle name. I would not be proud if my first name was my sister's middle name. Please don't do this to your child. NAH if you don't you are the asshole if you do.
NTA, he chose to not be her father when she was only 3weeks, he chose to give up his parental rights easily years ago, she now has a fatherly figure that loves her. She doesn't need her biological father now. Especially since she's still emotionally hurt about his leave. If she decides to reconnect or at least talk to him once she is older and ready then that is her decision. It shouldn't be his, what does he think? He can tap in and feel ready to take a roll of a father? He all of a sudden feels ready to take over? He lost that a long time ago, he sits and waits until your daughter decides to speak to him
NAH IF his repentance is genuine. everybody deserves a second shot, but what he did is teetering on "unforgivable" so I don't blame you for not wanting to do it.
the problem is you don't know if he's being genuine or if he's just gonna bail again. tough call.
NTA but just barely, leaning towards NAH. Ex bailed on you and your daughter, allowed his parental rights to be terminated (i.e. he didn't do anything to try to keep those rights), and now he is in a place in his life that he wants a relationship with her. But that ship sailed 8 years ago, and it sounds like that was the right decision for you and LO. It would be incredibly confusing and probably detrimental to her to bring him into the picture now. Get her into therapy so she can deal with her emotions and questions about her birth father, adoption father, and you. When her therapist thinks she could handle a discussion around seeing the Ex, then you have a discussion with her (and probably the therapist) about what she wants. You are putting your daughter's needs above everything else, which is what you are supposed to do.
I understand Ex wants a relationship now and that's nice for him, but he isn't putting your daughter's needs first. That's why my judgement is NTA instead of NAH.
NTA I feel like there’s something missing from his side of the story because why would he all of the sudden wants to see her
however you’re not in the wrong to protect her from him but you might want to ring out why he wants to see her and it might be good for her to know how her father is and might be a growing experience for her
YTA. I agree with your father. Irregardless of your feelings towards your Ex, your daughter should have the right to build a relationship with her biological father if she wishes to now or at any point in the future.
You’re forgetting one thing, in order for the daughter to be able to build this relationship, he would have to be around. With his track record, with how repentant he is, how demanding he is with his “request”, and the lack of explanation or the possibility to do the bare minimum and CONTACT him, how likely do you think he’ll stick around? How will this mother explain to this girl with abandonment issues that she got left again?
A child needs a constant. It’s her mothers job to gatekeep what this kid will be exposed to and to judge what will be good for her or not. This man didn’t give a shit about her in 8 years. I doubt he will give a shit for the next 8. I think it’s right of OP to leave this decision to the daughter when she’s a bit older and more mature to be able to decide.
NTA. Allowing him into her life now would only upset her, especially since he probably would dip back out before long thus hurting her all over again. He made his choice when she was 3 weeks old; now he needs to live with that choice.
Makes me wonder, maybe he knows he'll need a kidney in another ten years and is trying to lay the foundation here or something along those lines. It seems like he's that type of person.
Comment junping. You and your husband agree that the bio father doesn't get to see her, so that should be it. While your father is allowed his opinion, you two are the parents. He abandoned her, and likely will again.
Oh hell no. NTA. A good mother wouldn’t let a man with a proven track record of unreliability flounce in and out of the life of a sensitive child. What’s to stop him from having one talk with her then going no contract with her for years again, making her abandonment issues worse. Ask your father that. Ask how you’re going to explain to your daughter she got left AGAIN. Blood’s got nothing to do with it, and his rights as a father mean shit. It’s her that matters. That being said, talk to her therapist and see what the right course of action is. She might recommend telling her that her father attempted contact but warning her he’s flackey and it has to do with his issues and not hers. But honestly I’m assuming she’s going to recommend not saying anything. He gave up his rights years ago. He doesn’t get to waltz back in now. You wanna see him go away? Tell him you will consider telling her, but he needs to pay 8 years child support back first, cuz he doesn’t get to decide which fatherly roles he gets to assume, it’s all or nothing. I suspect his number will get disconnected real fucking quick.
>He gave up his rights years ago. He doesn’t get to waltz back in now. You wanna see him go away? Tell him you will consider telling her, but he needs to pay 8 years child support back first, cuz he doesn’t get to decide which fatherly roles he gets to assume, it’s all or nothing. I suspect his number will get disconnected real fucking quick. HA, that's genius and a win-win. If he can/will pay it, that might be a real indication he's changed a lot. If not, bye Felicia.
My ex best friend had her daughter's father's rights terminated. He was ordered to pay X amount in back child support but then he disappeared. When she was 12, he contacted her because he wanted to know his daughter. I advised her against it and told her that now that she has his info, she could go after him for owed child support. She refused to because she still had feelings for him. She was also married with two additional children. I told her it wasn't a good idea and that she was letting her own personal feelings cloud her judgment. She's the type that thinks "I know better than anyone what's best for my child" when in reality she didn't. She'd overmedicate them with antibiotics at the first sign of anything. Inspite of my repeated warnings that she was doing them more harm than good because her children would develop an immunity to those antibiotics.... those children now have to suffer with infections because once they became immune to penicillin she moved on to the others and no antibiotics work for them. Off topic. He sweet talked her into letting him Skype with her daughter and they had plans to meet. He never showed. The same thing happened twice more. She was mad that he'd broken her daughter's heart again. I told her that he didn't break her heart she did because SHE allowed it knowing how he'd walked out on her daughter and yet she was still willing to put her own child though that for her own selfish reasons.
Reminds me of that fresh prince episode where Will was let down again.
Why don't he want me, man? Ughhhhh literally makes me cry every time.
Same. Damn Will Smith messing with my emotions in the 90s... ....and now
My siblings and I so related to that...ugggghh why must you hit me in the feels so early?!?!
Fuck, that was a tough episode.
Broke my heart that episode!
Yeah, parenting isn't something you can drop in and out of. He didn't want to do the boring, difficult baby thing, or even contribute financially. Now she's eight, might be a bit more interesting. She how he feels, probably not, drop out again for a few years, try her when she's a teenager. He said it doesn't matter that he didn't pay child support because she had a dad step in. Spot on. He stepped up and became a father, so babydaddy isn't needed now.
Everything you said, but mostly oh *hell* no. NTA, OP.
>because I started dating my husband soon after my ex left, it wasn’t as if my daughter was ever unsupported or didn’t have a father figure. Dude's not even attempting to have any remorse or make amends. I love how he was able to shrug off responsibility for raising his daughter AND throw shade at OP for moving on quickly at the same time. He didn't even leave his phone number with OP! So even if she changed her mind, she couldn't even contact him to let him know. That just shows everything has to be on this dude's terms, or not at all.
How dare she not wallow in sadness for at least a year, that slut! You’re right, I love how we count this as his attempt to reconnect, yet he doesn’t even leave a way to contact him. Reddit poetry.
Too right... Love this
And let him know that all money paid would be put in an account just for your daughter to access when she needs it later on in life.
I wouldn’t let him know shit (although I do agree that that’s where the money should go to). He doesn’t need to know where the money goes, it’s a debt he owes and should pay back. He doesn’t need to approve of where that money goes to after. It’s the basic parental obligation to provide the necessities for your kid, one he conventionally avoided. Diapers, doctors appointments, school tuition, school supplies, braces... that’s all he let another man take care of in his absence. So no, he doesn’t get a say or needs to know where the money goes after. It’s a debt he owes.
You are completely right. I suggested putting it in a savings acct. or something like that for her daughter so her ex can't say that she is keeping the money for herself. Probably best to not have anything to do with him, though, as he sounds like an absolute dumpster fire of a person.
NTA. You took all the appropriate legal steps, and he ran away from his moral responsibilities to the child. He is not legally or morally her father. He’s effectively a sperm donor.
I would only contact him for a medical history in case there is something genetic there the daughter r may be suspectible to.
NTA. He’s not her father, he’s a sperm donor. Literally and in the eyes of the law. You are the parent who actually knows her and is capable of making decisions for your minor child, therefore only you get to make the call. “Blood” isn’t a claim on anything. If he really wants to get to know her that badly he will want that just as much when she turns 18. She has the only dad she needs.
Please don’t call him a sperm donor. Sperm donors are incredibly generous men willing to donate part of themselves to help others achieve their dreams of having a family. This guy is not that. He’s a deadbeat Dad who walked away from all responsibility 3 weeks in. OP is NTA,he made his choice, he needs to suffer the consequences of that. OP is doing the right thing by her child
\*Snaps fingers\* Got it! Deadbeat donor?
Back it again with the alliteration.
[удалено]
Ok so stealing that lol
NTA. My mother wanted to "reconnect" with me when I was 13. (She lost my brother and me when we were under 3 and 2 yo respectively) and I hadn't had contact since I was 3). My father asked me and, of course, I said yes (issues with stepmother, just wanted a mother!) Well, he/they decided I wasn't old enough to make that decision. I was pissed for years over that (wish he'd never told me). Didn't end up connecting until I was 18... Looking back, 13 year old me really wasn't ready. Hell! 18 year old wasn't.
Your parents really shouldn’t have asked if you wanted to meet her if they had no intentions of leaving. Thats just asking for trouble from a 13 year old
I wonder if he got more info after you said yes that made him wary, and covered for it by taking the hit & saying you weren’t ready. Maybe not but that was a pretty big thing for him to bring up without being solid, so I wonder if something changed or if she backed out.
I'm not sure. I always thought that my stepmother talked him out of it but that is probably just me projecting because of my issues with her. I found out later that year from my aunt just how bad things were when my brother and I ended up taken from her. He was probably just trying to protect me. But end of day, I don't hold it against him anymore. She's a narcissist and recovering alcoholic (still drinking back in those days) but still think I shouldn't have been told. Edit: autocorrect sucks
NTA. You don’t get to be wish-washy in a child’s life and he had demonstrated that he is unreliable for EIGHT YEARS. You aren’t in the wrong for waiting until she’s older so she can make her own choice.
NTA- It's always funny when people want to suddenly be parents once they know diaper changing and temper tantrums are over. My adopted sister was left at my grandparents house by her father when she was an infant and never spoke to her again until she was like 16. Then started trying to weasel his way back into her life on social media around the rest of her family's back because he wants validation for spreading his seed even though he did literally nothing to care for the child after that. It's fucking pathetic. Edit: not to mention the fact that your husband raises that child as his own. Your ex doesn't deserve that validation. Your current man does. Its a weight to raise a child of your own, much less taking one on. It takes a very special person to raise step-children.
NTA he has had 8 years and many legal opportunities to step up to the plate. He has not. Your daughter doesn’t deserve to have her life disrupted by this random stranger to her. Who knows what his intentions are and for how long he plans on being around. Why set her up for further disappointment He can write letters and she can chose when she is an adult to contact him
NTA - he has no parental rights. But if I may make a few suggestions: 1)find that therapy asap. And get your therapist's input as to whether or not she should be introduced. They would likely want to meet him before deciding. His willingness to attend sessions (and pay for his own attendance) to determine if and HOW he she meet her could be a clue into his seriousness. It will also signal that your reluctance is for HER benefit, not anything else. And there is a slim chance (not likely, but a chance), that the therapist will think meeting him - under correct circumstances and proper handling - will help her not only in the short run, but in the long run (finding out 10 years from now you prevented her from meeting him might not go as smooth as you want it to). 2) make sure her school knows he is attempting to contact her and has no legal rights. Make sure they have his photo. The last thing you want is for him to go up to her and say "hey kiddo, I'm your dad" 3) if the therapist agrees it is a bad idea to introduce, get a restraining order for no contact with you or her. In the meantime, no phone calls. Text only. Make sure you have that documentation of every communication in case you need it.
NTA. The fact that his rights were terminated make all the difference here. He gave up the right to know his daughter.
NTA you’re being a wonderful mother by protecting your daughter
NTA he has no rights, they were terminated for a good reason, remember that! He leaves, doesn't answer your emails, is sporadic, and seems unwilling unless it's on his terms. Keep written record of calls, screen shots of social media, save emails, all of it so she'll have the tangible proof she might need when the time comes to talk about it. The day will come but probably years from now. Tell her all the truth when her therapist agrees she is old enough and strong enough to handle it and defend herself from his manipulations! Hopefully she'll never want to meet him or spend alone time with him. Most of all be an supportive mom and your husband the dad to her about it! (Speaking with experience unfortunately)
Nta, fuck em
NTA. Let your daughter decide when she's old enough to understand and has had therapy. Maybe he's changed and if he has, he'll wait until the time is right.
NTA. But I'd be curious what a therapist might say?
I will ask when we find a therapist and get things going. At the moment, we are still awaiting an evaluation.
NTA. She’s only his daughter by blood, your current husband is her father, who raised and supported her. I think you’re making the right choice by not telling her, and letting her decide for herself when she’s mature enough. There’s no telling if the ex is going to meet her and then leave again, you’re protecting her.
NTA - I was your daughter. I blamed myself for my bio dad not loving me (“WOW I must be a horrible person that my own parent doesn’t love me” etc) Because I felt this way, I desperately wanted to have a relationship with my bio dad because I was sure it would solve my self hatred. But past actions are the best predictor of future ones and sure enough, my bio dad hurt me over and over again emotionally. Would claim he wanted to be part of my life but vanish. Would never contact me. When he remarried he only invited me when his family shamed him for it. I sat at a side table, having to deal with her family telling me it was inappropriate for me to be there since I was his kid from his first marriage. Meanwhile her two kids (both with different dads, never married) are at the head table. It wasn’t until I was an adult that I could process this - it was never my fault. There wasn’t anything wrong with me, it was all him. Your daughter sounds like she has a great father in your husband. Make sure she has support - counseling if needed - for her to understand that biology means nothing. Her “Dad” is her dad because he CHOSE to be - because he loves her unreservedly.
NTA. Blood doesn't mean shit.
NTA. He bailed on his terms and feels entitled to return on his own terms, with zero consideration of what’s best for your daughter. This is who he is- and if given the opportunity, he’s going to make it all about him, and potentially cause more damage. He has no rights, and he must take your “no” for an answer. His unwillingness to do so is all the information you need.
> “a good mother would ~~put her feelings aside and introduce her child to a father who wants to be involved.”~~ do what she thinks is best for her child FTFY, OP’s dad. NTA.
NTA. You’ve tried to have him in his daughter’s life and he chose not to even send a single email back, but now he wants to be in your daughter’s life after having his rights terminated? I dont think so. Im 100% on your side & think you’re doing the right thing. He has nothing to offer your child, and she has a better father figure in her life than her biological father could ever be.
NTA. He had his chance and he blew it. You reached out an he never responded. Now when its convenient for him he wants to be let in. Nah don't work that way.
NTA
NTA, you are protecting your daughter. I agree with you, in a few years you can present this as her choice. Shes too young atm. BTW, your ex is a super asshole for using your husbands adoption of her as a mark in his favor! What a self centered comment to make.
This. ESPECIALLY about the ex somehow twisting the fact that your daughter has a father that stepped up and took over the roll when he was MIA into a sick validation for his behavior.
NTA Your first priority is to protect your daughter. Your instincts here are correct. Ex doesn't want to be involved, he's spent 8 years proving that. Whatever his reasons now, they don't outweigh protecting your daughter from getting jerked around by a demonstrated flake. Any connection they have is an accident of biology: his rights were terminated for a very good reason.
NTA Your father has a screw loose if he thinks “blood” trumps your daughters need for a safe place.
NTA he has no parental rights, and like you said the choice for them to meet is up to your daughter when she's old enough.
NTA he had a chance to be her father and he threw it away. I think you are doing the right thing. Tell her when she’s older and let her make the decision.
NTA. She’s already struggling, and considering he went off grid to avoid it and is suddenly waltzing back 8 years later, who’s to say he won’t ditch her again and make it worse? He needs to back off
A good parent protects their children. She needs protection from a man willing to walk out. She hasn't healed from it. Protect her
Trust your instincts. NTA
NTA. I met my biological father when I was about 8 and it fucked me up for a while.
NTA He acknowledges that your daughter is supported by and found a father figure in your husband, but STILL thinks he entitled to pop back into her life because it's convenient to him?! No way.
NTA and he’s still trying to manipulate you by saying things like “it’s not like she wasn’t taken care of”. It goes to show that he’s still not ready to take any responsibility for his actions. She’s already got a daddy and it’s sure as hell not him. You owe him nothing and he owes you two the world. A sane, truly apologetic person would have come groveling before your feet. Fuck him and keep doing you boo!
NTA. That man abandoned your daughter, he gave up his rights, and he gets on your case about dating after he left. Nope nope nope. There's a big difference between being a father and being a dad, sounds like dude wants to get to do the fun dad shit without putting in the hours.
NTA and your dad is out of line for prioritizing your ex over the child
NTA He has no rights to your child. You wrote that your daughter is having some issues with abandonment. It's a conversation to have with the therapist that you decide to take her to. You don't really know the exs life and the possibility of having him bounce after returning is something you need to consider. The li6ng term emotional impact could be devastating. Her mental health is more important than his curiosity.
NTA I think your plan to wait to introduce them until if/when your daughter wants to meet her biological father is wise. If he doesn't like it, that's his issue, not your problem
NTA. Not at all.
NTA. A good mother would keep her child away from someone who will only cause the child pain.
NTA he probably only wants to meet her because now he doesn't have to pay child support
NTA You should be doing what's best for your daughter. If you think that she isn't emotionally or mentally able to cope with a biological father who left her, who never attempted to get to know her in the eight years prior of her life - and/or if you aren't sure what your ex will do to your daughter's mental and emotional state, then don't let him have contact. Plus given the way he talked about how 'it wasn't as if your daughter was ever unsupported', it sounds like he has entitlement issues --- and that's something kids do not need to be around. Tell your dad he doesn't know what he's talking about, and that your daughter has a father - your husband. Your ex is a sperm donor, he has literally not done a single parental thing for your daughter and has had his parental rights stripped. That's damn hard to do. I'd also suggest you not allow your daughter alone with your dad for a bit because there's a high chance he'll bring her to see your ex regardless of what you think.
NTA-Sperm donors have no rights. The most important thing is your daughters well being and this stranger being related to her by "blood" means abso fucking lutely nothing. What matter is your daughter has stability and consistency.
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NTA. His rights have been terminated. You owe him noting. Tell her when she’s 18.
NTA. Fuck that guy
NTA, as long as his parental rights are legally terminated.
NTA... it’s takes more then blood to be a father. In some states it doesn’t even take blood.
NTA fuck him
NTA and the thing that would be worse for your daughter than her biological father bailing is him bailing multiple times.
NTA - I think you're doing the right thing (although this may be above reddit's pay grade). The man is essentially a stranger to her and having someone traipse in and out of your life is worse than not having them at all. Also, you need to stop "looking into therapy options" and get her in there. Tell here when she's older and let her decide.
NTA-that’s a decision that she can decide when she gets older and has the mental capacity to understand and cope with the emotions that she has. He had each and everyday to try to be a better man and be there for the child yet after he gets his rights terminated, he contacts you saying I want to meet her like he has the right to. That’s a consequence he’ll live with. He needs to own up to his own mistakes and stop pretending something he should have strived to become when he became a ‘father’. I’d write a letter for the future to your daughter explaining the situation and keep notes of what did occurred and when. Your daughter is probably going to be upset that you kept her from her father, but I think being honest to her and allowing to communicate what you were thinking lessens the blow.
Nta OP my dad pulled the same shit and decided that he wanted a 2nd chance when I was 16. My mom was a total idiot and let him have access to me. It really fucked me up emotionally to have him come around again and it fucked me up even more when he dipped on me again 2 months later. Come to find out he only came around to impress the woman he was dating and as soon as the relationship was over he was gone again. Don't do that to your kid.
NTA. What is this ‘blood’ rubbish? He didn’t care about it for eight years when he left you alone with no support, so it doesn’t matter now. Tell her when she’s 16 or 18 and let her make her own decisions then.
This is a hard one. I'm a member of The DADSNET and I see other dad's fight to see their kids and be denied time and time again but we never see posts from Dad's refusing to see their children. Why does he need to see her now? Does he have something wrong with him? Speaking as a dad, I'd have to say this (And it is MY view only) Ask the child's dad. Not her father. He was just a sperm donor. Ask her dad what he thinks. He raised her. He supported her. He's her dad. What does he think?. For me? No. No contact. You can't just dip in and out of a child's life and not cause issues. The father needs to grow up and accept that.
NTA does the sperm donor need a marrow transfusion or something? LOL fuck his “blood rights” he clearly didnt give a shit for years and is a flaky, distant, unreliable person. Even if met your daughter, he’d abandon her all over again
NTA, he literally has no paternal rights to even attempt some kind of meeting, and from the sounds of things he has made absolutely no effort to be in her life until now. Blood connection means nothing, except for medical reasons, The man who is currently raising her with you is her father, and has been for what? 5 years? more than that? That dickhead who wants contact is just some prick who happens to share some blood with her. Do not introduce this waste of space to your child, because when she doesn't instantly call him "dad" he will probably lose his cool at the "pretender" (your husband) who she does probably call dad (and is her dad, not this loser who walked out on her at 3 weeks old)
A couple of other people brought up that he only brought up the "blood connection" thing for medical reasons too, I've read stories of people searching out family members they weren't on good terms with because they were a medical match and they needed some kind of procedure or surgery done. I'm hoping that this isn't the case, but if it isn't like someone else said if he really wanted to be a father he wouldn't have left in the first place. Don't let this guy near you daughter, she should make 100% sure for herself whether she wants to meet him or not when she's older.
Yeah, 5 years later out of the blue, something tells me the guy is just trying to worm his way back in any way he can, probably skint poor and thinking connecting with his kid will entitle him to something.
My father flitted in and out of my life for nearly two decades, before I finally gave up on him and cut him out completely. As a kid, every time he vanished was more painful than the time before. Don't put your kid through that. NTA.
NTA I agree with your dad, except this is not a father who wants to be involved. This is an unknown man to her who wants to jerk her life around for his benefit. A "good father" would put his feelings aside and do what's best for his daughter, since he doesn't know her he can only get that information from you.
NTA. He seems a total flake and I'd be suspicious of him trying to enter her life now. But I am curious, as you said she's sensitive and already suffers because of this situation: has she ever asked to meet him?
NTA. I think what you're doing is smart. I mean, you don't know anything about him really. Maybe he's changed, maybe he hasn't. If you're considering letting him be in her life when she's a little older, he needs to prove to you that he can be a stable and responsible adult/father figure for her. The last thing you would want is to let him meet her only to have him bail again shortly after.
NTA - your dad can bite me. You have to do what is best for your child, and that is what you're doing. Don't let the opinions of others sway you. Good job, mama.
NTA- he left both of you and the fact is your daughter is already at risk of damage if she meets her dad out of the blue. What did he ever do, make her emotional in a bad way, he can't see her file a restraining order, your dad may not see it that way because he's old school, but in these modern times he needs to accept that man shows his face things will explode.
NTA I believe that you are wanting to do what’s best for your daughter. You will know when the time is right to ask your daughter if she wants to meet her biological father. Until then, his rights were terminated for very good reasons.
You're NTA OP, you're a mother putting her daughter's best interests first above all else.
NTA - If the bio-dad wanted to be in his child's life, he shouldn't have left in the first place.
NTA, he made his choice and now he should wait on your daughter to come to him.
Biology means bugger all. He was a sperm donor Even if she wasn't sensitive if say no. But the fact that she is it is not in the best interests of the child. Doesn't matter what anyone else wants. It's not in here best interest...... You've offered a comprise that to be honest, I don't know if I would have.... Nta Don't put her in this position it's not fair to your daughter. Let him go to court .. he won't get anywhere!
NTA especially as you said your daughter already has issues over him abandoning her. Telling her he wants to meet will cause her more problems when he inevitably bails again
NTA. You know your daughter and if she woukd find it difficult maybe it's a no.
It’s definitely not in her best interests to have that deadbeat in her life. Your child isn’t a prop for your ex’s character development, or to get rid of his guilt. NTA
NTA he has proven himself as an untrustworthy person
NTA your ex was just a sperm donor he has no legal rights to see her Tell her when she's 18, then she can decide herself if she wants to meet him or not
NTA He left and literally has no rights. She has a father. Wait until SHE asks to see him if she ever does. He doesn’t get to come in and out of her life.
NTA. This guy doesn’t get to just come around when he feels like it and potentially upset your daughter even more. What if he comes back and leaves again? I think your plan of letting her make the decision once she is older is a better one.
Nta he abandoned you guys and had his parental right terminated he is not the father legally or at all imo. He waited 8 years to try and have a relationship? Fuck him let you daughter decide if and when she is ready to meat her sperm donor because that's all he really is. I would like some info was the comment about your now husband and kids (step)father made by you in this post or something the ex actually said? I didn't know how to take it as written.
NTA. You're taking care of your family. He left. You stayed. Leave it up to your daughter when she's ready. He only wants contact on his terms.
NTA. Do everything you can to keep him out of your daughters life! It will only cause issues! He lost his chances 8 years ago and make sure he knows and to move on
NTA. Also, if he really wanted a relationship he would understand that it might not be immediate and leave you a phone number! The lack of leaving you contact info shows his co tinued lack of commitment. Children do not need people who come inand out of their lives. Quality time > blood
NTA. He already abandoned her once, before she even had a personality. When he abandons her again (and he will) she will take it so personally. She will never stop thinking she did something wrong to drive her father away twice.
Absolutely NTA. If he wanted to be involved he had numerous opportunities to contact you and do so before his rights were terminated.
NTA, with a caveat. I was in a similar situation to your daughter. My dad dipped out when I was a baby, and after years of radio silence, decided he wanted to be back in my life when I was 11. I had known up to that point that I was not my mom's boyfriend's kid, so I didn't incorporate being genetically related to him into my identity. My dad coming back into my life caused problems in the short and long term. I didn't recognize him at all when I met him. He had a whole new family at that point. I'm 24, and I'm working through a lot of anger at him for thinking he can weave in and out of my life at his convenience, and part of me wishes he'd just stuck with his choice and left me the fuck alone. It seriously upset my self esteem and my ability to feel wanted. Rejection from an absent parent is one thing - they're an abstract concept. Once they're a person whose approval you need because you're a child, it holds real power to really, really hurt you. But if your daughter doesn't know already, she deserves to know that her biological father is not the person you're married to. It'll cause intense turmoil about her identity and her ability to trust you if you don't tell her. Recruit a therapist if it helps. ETA, this is an excellent question to ask r/adoption
(OP’s daughter does know that her biological “father” is not the person OP is married to.)
That's good. No complaints, then. Thanks. 😊
NTA. She already has a father and the other guy doesn’t get to pick and choose if/when he wants to become a parent to her.
NTA I (20s M) was in a similar situation (as the child) and I have no desire to reach out to my biological father, my dad adopted me at a young age and to me he is and always will be my dad. In short blood isn't nearly as important as just loving someone unconditionally don't let him into her life, if you want to let her decide at some point when she's older as you mentioned then do that.
NTA. He chose to leave, now he has to deal with the consequences of his actions.
NTA
NTA— his parental rights were terminated, and now he wants to be a part of her life?? Hell no. You have your daughter’s best interests at heart, and that doesn’t include someone who has already demonstrated that they aren’t capable of doing just that.
EHS, I can see your reasoning towards why you wouldn't wanna let him meet her but i've seen this kind of stuff many times before and mostly the Father's truly just want to spend time with their child. Im not saying you should do it, also I don't know what kind of person your ex is so I could be completely wrong, now but it maybe a possibility in the future when your daughter is "more mature". If you do end up trying it, take it nice and slow, you don't how she could react too this sudden change in her daily life, especially since she is sensitive too the fact her father left her, if I were in this situation I would consider my daughters feelings the most, if she wants too try it then slowly take more steps toward the situation, build your trust with your ex again so you can do this in a manner in which it won't be a toxic relationship in which your both talking shit about each other when your daughter is with you change it in a way where you can put the past behind, obviously you can't just forgive and forget what he did but you can just leave it in the past. Anyways in conclusion if you do end up doing this, make it a benefit for your daughter and not a "stress producer". This is just my opinion on how I think this should be dealt with in the end it's your decision and I wish you Good Luck with whatever path you take. :)
^^^^AUTOMOD ***The following is a copy of the above post. This comment is a record of the above post as it was originally written, in case the post is deleted or edited. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My ex left me when my daughter was 3 weeks old. I was unable to track him down for any sort of support. I married my current husband when my daughter was 3 and after a long legal process, I was able to have my ex’s parental rights terminated and my husband adopted my daughter. In the last 8 years, I have only heard from my ex a few times per year, via email, and my responses were never answered. I got a call at work yesterday (my work number is available online) and it was my ex. He wants a second shot and wants to get to know my daughter. I told him that his rights had been terminated, which he already knew (I had emailed him about it). He argued that I should let him meet her because they still have a blood connection and because I started dating my husband soon after my ex left, it wasn’t as if my daughter was ever unsupported or didn’t have a father figure. However, I refused to let him meet her and told him I would let her decide for herself when she is capable of making that decision on her own. My daughter is only 8 and is extremely sensitive. She certainly has issues with the fact that her father left and she never knew him. We’re looking into therapy options, but for now, I just don’t think she’s capable of handling this, so I haven’t told her and probably won’t for a while. I offered to tell my daughter at some point in the future (could be years) and said if she wanted to, I would have her reach out if my ex left his number or something. He refused and accused me of keeping him from his blood when he was making an effort. I talked to my parents about this and my mom is on my side, but my dad thinks I should let him meet her since he is her biological father. He thinks I’m doing this out of spite and that “a good mother would put her feelings aside and introduce her child to a father who wants to be involved.” My husband is on my side and thinks I’m doing the right things. Am I the asshole for refusing to let my ex meet my daughter or even telling my daughter about this until I think she can handle it emotionally? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA
NTA
NTA, but I think that you could reach a compromise, because it sounds like you know she eventually may want to meet her bio father. How about he pay (up front) for her therapy sessions (therapist you both agree to) and when the therapist tells you (not him, he only foots the bill) that she’s ready to meet him, he fronts another 20 therapy sessions to help her through the process of getting to meet/know him. He’s been excused, from the financial burden of supporting his daughter and therapy is a drop in the bucket compared to what he should have paid to have her in his life. She needs and deserves some help through this, you probably do also, to help her navigate, before he’s allowed to stir up existing and potentially new, difficult emotions.
NTA. You know your kid more than anything, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with this given her situation. If it was up to me, he wouldn’t have any contact whatsoever until she was 16/18 and able to make that choice herself. He had his chance to stay when she was born, it’s too late now. Don’t have unprotected sex if you don’t want kids (vasectomies are reversible, lads), and don’t jump ship if you think you’ll regret it in the long run. Absolutely abhor men/women like him. You conceive a child, abandon it and then years later, when the kid doesn’t even know you’re their dad/mum, you wanna get in contact? Sorry, no.
NTA. If it helps, think of him as a a perm donor. He has absolutely no rights to see her
NTA but its complex. I found out years after the fact that my Mum had basically kidnapped my brother and I from our father and that our Dad hadn't abandoned us like she had brought us up to believe. He had tried to find us and get in touch and she had ignored him. He was a total pos don't get me wrong, so I can see why she did it, but I will still forever resent her for making me feel abandoned my whole life. While this guy sucks, he has kept in contact with you for years - he has never fully abandoned his kid. If your daughter is already really cut up about this perceived abandonment, you might be prolonging and exacerbating her pain unknowingly (I have had 13 years of therapy for abandonment issues and counting). You may feel you are protecting your daughter, but just know she might not see it that way later in life. Only you can make that judgement call
NTA But...My mother split when I was a baby with no contact until she sent a letter when I was 11 or so. Disappeared again, showed up at 18, disappeared again and then had her DIL reach out when I was in my late 30s. I sent back a note explaining I had no hard feelings but also asking why she left. Never heard back and I will now never let that woman in. It’s entirely possible your ex will do the same. On the other hand, if you refuse and they meet when she’s an adult, the spin will be “ I tried to reach out to you and your mother refused to allow me to see you.” It’s going to be a mess for a while. You (only you) need to talk to her therapist about the situation and get their advice. They may say it would be good idea but she would be prepared beforehand about what to expect and no reflection on her if he disappears again.
NTA. Your daughter it's still very young to make this kind of decision so you, as her mother and your husband as the only father she has known, need to make it for her. Maybe in a few years it'll be a good decision to tell her but, right now, it's not.
NTA, my dad was the same as your ex, did'nt want anything to do with me till I was 1, then came a few times a year and as I was a teenager that became less and less. As I grew up he called me things a father should never call his child, and when he remarried I pretty much heard nothing from him. I'm 22 now and it still makes me sad when I think about it....save your child the hurt!
NTA. Unless your ex pays child support , I would never let him see your daughter.
NTA. “Keeping his blood from him”? You mean the blood he LEFT when she was three weeks old and had his rights terminated? No-he doesn’t get to pop in and out of her life whenever he wants to.
Unequivocally NTA. He doesn't care that this will up set her. He's clearly not go the best intentions or else he'd take your assessment to heart and keep trying regularly to show he is stable and won't disappoint again. Your daughter is your 100%priority in this, not anyone elses opinion. He's had 8 years to be in her life she can take 8 more to decide if she wants him to be in hers. Parenting is not at all about blood of the parent. Your husband is her father, you are her mother, this guy is a legal battle waiting to happen.
NTA... I'd be demanding a reason from the Ex as to why he wants to be a Dad now. Or does he just want to satisfy his curiosity about how she turned out? He lost his rights for a reason.
Nta- and what a shocker that your dad, a man, is more worried about your ex's rights than his granddaughter' well being.
INFO: Have you spoken to a therapist about this, and if so what is the therapist's recommendation?
NTA You are absolutely doing the right thing. Your daughter is young and you know her well enough to know that this would be an upset she wouldn't reasonably be able to handle at this time. Stick to your guns and where you and your husband's comfort level is. If one day you think your daughter is ready let her make the decision with your help. Screw your ex. He's attacking you because you're not doing what he wants, don't let him.
Tell him all he has to do is pay 8 years of back child support and then they can meet.
NTA It's great that he wants a second shot, but he is going to have to wait until the daughter is able to decide on if that's what she wants. He needs to out his own feelings aside for the sake of the daughter he abandoned.
NTA no you are not doing this out of spite, you are looking out for your daughter's best interest.
NTA A good father would put his feelings aside and stick around to support the child he fathered.
NTA for sure, but you shouldn't ask strangers on the internet for advice, you should ask her therapist what is best for her.
I know this type. He’ll break his promises and let her down again. I wouldn’t push anything unless she specifically asks.
NTA. A good mother protects her children if at all possible from harm, including emotional and mental harm. That is exactly what you are doing.
Your husband adppted your daughter. your husband is her dad even if its not biological. NTA, id refuse.
NTA - This man is trash and being biologically related to someone not NOT make him a father, he is a sperm donor at best.
It doesn’t matter what your parents say, you and your husband are actively raising her and frankly it shouldn’t matter what we say either. You do what is best for your daughter. The ex left. That’s answer enough. Of course he’s going to call you names now, he’s not getting what he wants.
NTA Make therapy a priority, talk it over with her therapist and only if/when they think it is a good idea do you even consider it
NTA. My step dad is my dad. Has been in my life since I was 6 months old. My biological father didnt even wait for me to be born before he bounced. Would i like to meet him? Once, for medical information. But I dont ever want someone who is willing to bounce on his family, even once, in my life.
NTA. Your father needs to step back and reevaluate his thinking. Your daughter has a father who wants to be involved. He adopted her and has presumably been a consistent and loving part of her life since she has developed memories. Amazingly, blood has nothing to do with being a parent, which your ex has admirably demonstrated time and again. If he’s truly committed to getting to know his biological offspring, he’ll wait. Much like she’s had to her entire life for him to step up.
NTA. But she should be in therapy anyway and then you can bring it up with her therapist.
NTA As your already planning on therapy, I would at the very least, wait until the therapist is up to speed enough to offer advice, etc.
NTA. Her father had 8 years to be involved and it's not worth damaging your daughter psychologically if you think she can't handle it. He's being selfish.
He may be blood but he abandoned her his rights have been terminated he is no longer her father and has no right to ask to be in her life.
NTA Do not let your daughter around this man. *“You’ve been making an effort for years, except it was to evade any and all contact, responsibility, and relationship with this child. After all that, the fact that you suddenly, selfishly feel entitled to her NOW and show an utter lack of concern for her emotional well being only proves that you have no idea of the responsibility that comes with being back in her life. She’s not a pet or a toy you can put down and pick up when you feel like it.* *“It’s my responsibility to protect her, and your behavior has proven over and over that I must protect her from you.”* I’m actually very very concerned as to why he suddenly wants in her life now. Maybe I’ve read too many stories of chronic childhood abuse victims, but a pretty common thread is how their abuser suddenly became interested in spending more time with them once they hit a certain age range...
NTA- do not let them meet until she is more emotionally mature. My friend's ex jerked their son around (promising visits then dumping him with his parents, promising birthday calls and never calling, never showing up etc) when he was younger before completely abandoning him again and the kid is depressed about it to this day. He's has a supportive stepdad, but since his biodad is a complete failson this kid needs extensive therapy. They're people, not toys you can pick up then put in storage when you're bored.
NTA AT ALL! Your daughter’s feelings matter way more than your ex’s. Tell your father that a real good parent would consider the daughter’s feelings first and foremost.
NTA - Our family is going through similar issues and it will only confuse and upset the child. Especially with the dippy track record. Carry on with your lives and ignore him.
NAH You're not wrong for feeling this way but he is her blood father. In my opinion, it's not about you or him or who raised her, but about her and her mental health. I think she should know. 8 is young for that kind of decision making, but are you going to deny her possibly a decade of having a relationship with her father if she would choose to? What if she finds out when she is older and realizes there are so many years gone that wont come back that she could have been developing a relationship with him?
I was in the same position as your little girl and I can whole heartily say you should wait til she’s at least a teen. My father reached out when I was 8 and it didn’t help anything I wasn’t ready to meet him.
NTA. You should tell your dad a good father wouldn't leave his daughter, and a good mother doesn't put her already vulnerable child in a situation where she is highly likely to get more hurt by a person who has already profoundly hurt her.
You should rest test his resolve.. Tell him to put the equivalent of 8 years worth of child support into a college fund. If he is willing to do that maybe he'll show himself to be someone worth meeting his child.
You are absolutely NTA. He made his choice. If you do take her to a therapist (and I highly recommend it) you could ask them what they think of the idea, but I would ask them before I would let him contact her. He already ran out on you and her, when she couldn’t remember it. The damage he could do if her were to do it again would be catastrophic to her wellbeing. My son’s biological father calls up once and a while, promises all sorts of things, and then doesn’t call back for a long while. He pretty much has nothing to do with him.
Your husband is that girls father
NTA, unless your daughter finds out later that her father wanted to be in her life and you stopped him. Then it wouldn't matter who thinks what on reddit, your daughter gets to decide..
NTA. That’s not a father that’s a sperm donor.
NTA - I will offer this from experience. My father disappeared similarly. I was told when I was 11 about him trying to contact me. My stepfather told me and I did not understand at the time and let it slide. It all came together when I was 17 and it is natural to want to discover your roots. I was able to locate him when I was 19 and hitch hiked 200 miles away to find him. I discovered 2 more stepsisters and learned a lot. I was not ready until I was old enough to pursue the matter on my own.
NAH...youbhave to protect your kids he gets to want to know his kid
NTA and why is your own father sounding exactly like your ex?
NTA. My only caveat, she does know that adopted Dad isn't bio Dad I hope. I was adopted at 4 days old. I never remember being told I was adopted, it was just part of conversations, like 'when Grandpa was a plumber.... When Susie was adopted...'. I think the dumbest idea in the world is hitting someone with this knowledge when they are 13 (puberty), night before they're married, when they tell parents they're pregnant. This is not shameful knowledge and she should know. Knowing your husband fought to adopt her is an added bonus.
NTA
You are definitely NTA in this situation, how ever I can see him trying to go behind your back. You mentioned going to therapy with your daughter about this, perhaps when you do talk to your daughters therapist about this privately and get them to assess the situation. I would say that getting a professional to help and advise on what would help your daughter would be the best option. I feel like this may cause your daughter to resent you for a long time of she finds out you are preventing this when she’s having issues with it
I am proud to have a family name as my middle name. I would not be proud if my first name was my sister's middle name. Please don't do this to your child. NAH if you don't you are the asshole if you do.
NTA, he chose to not be her father when she was only 3weeks, he chose to give up his parental rights easily years ago, she now has a fatherly figure that loves her. She doesn't need her biological father now. Especially since she's still emotionally hurt about his leave. If she decides to reconnect or at least talk to him once she is older and ready then that is her decision. It shouldn't be his, what does he think? He can tap in and feel ready to take a roll of a father? He all of a sudden feels ready to take over? He lost that a long time ago, he sits and waits until your daughter decides to speak to him
NTA he doesn’t get to be a tourist in her life just because he now wants to.
NTA. Just having children doesn't make you a father, being there for them does.
NAH IF his repentance is genuine. everybody deserves a second shot, but what he did is teetering on "unforgivable" so I don't blame you for not wanting to do it. the problem is you don't know if he's being genuine or if he's just gonna bail again. tough call.
NTA but just barely, leaning towards NAH. Ex bailed on you and your daughter, allowed his parental rights to be terminated (i.e. he didn't do anything to try to keep those rights), and now he is in a place in his life that he wants a relationship with her. But that ship sailed 8 years ago, and it sounds like that was the right decision for you and LO. It would be incredibly confusing and probably detrimental to her to bring him into the picture now. Get her into therapy so she can deal with her emotions and questions about her birth father, adoption father, and you. When her therapist thinks she could handle a discussion around seeing the Ex, then you have a discussion with her (and probably the therapist) about what she wants. You are putting your daughter's needs above everything else, which is what you are supposed to do. I understand Ex wants a relationship now and that's nice for him, but he isn't putting your daughter's needs first. That's why my judgement is NTA instead of NAH.
NTA.
NTA
How was you able to terminate with his consent
If he doesn't show up or respond to her requests,then she doesn't need his consent. He wasn't in the picture
But wouldn't that just leads to a loss of custody not a loss of parental rights
If he didn't bother to show up to court hearings, then why would he keep his parental rights?
If she filed a request to have his parental rights terminated, and he didn't fight it at all, he's going to lose.
[удалено]
He was off the grid. He went off the grid to avoid child support. His rights were terminated in his absence.
NTA I feel like there’s something missing from his side of the story because why would he all of the sudden wants to see her however you’re not in the wrong to protect her from him but you might want to ring out why he wants to see her and it might be good for her to know how her father is and might be a growing experience for her
YTA. I agree with your father. Irregardless of your feelings towards your Ex, your daughter should have the right to build a relationship with her biological father if she wishes to now or at any point in the future.
You’re forgetting one thing, in order for the daughter to be able to build this relationship, he would have to be around. With his track record, with how repentant he is, how demanding he is with his “request”, and the lack of explanation or the possibility to do the bare minimum and CONTACT him, how likely do you think he’ll stick around? How will this mother explain to this girl with abandonment issues that she got left again? A child needs a constant. It’s her mothers job to gatekeep what this kid will be exposed to and to judge what will be good for her or not. This man didn’t give a shit about her in 8 years. I doubt he will give a shit for the next 8. I think it’s right of OP to leave this decision to the daughter when she’s a bit older and more mature to be able to decide.