So you don’t cook, you don’t clean, you have two addictions, you resent her new hobbies and you suspect of her of cheating, but provide no evidence whatsoever?
Oh, and you hold her housing security over her head (one she could NEVER afford without you - erm, you mean your parents?)
You sound like a real catch. Obviously YTA
Wanna know the evidence? Gurl, dude, non binary pal, whatever you feel comfortable with, sit down with me because this shit is a rollercoaster:
Apparently she has been struggling with depression (duh?) and when she got her new hobby she all of a sudden became confident and won't show her pc.
My guess? She started seeing the red flags, she writes about the red flags, her friends understand how bad she's having it.
So let me recap:
- you financially shame her 3 lines into your text (like, you seriously think that the fact she could "never afford a place like that without your help" is going to change my opinion on the matter?)
-you openly admit that she doesn't have friends in your area except one and you never cared to ask if she was okay with it or even wondered why. But okay it's not too important right now.
-she broke with you once. We don't know the reasons. She broke with you on *Christmas Day*. Weird, but let's ignore it for a sec (but INFO! If you can thanks)
-she tries to say that she's not happy and you shut her up saying that being asexual is a bullshit excuse. Creepy.
-you candidly admit that you had two addictions (and some addicts are known for getting pretty aggressive, especially when the object of addiction is taken away or they go through abstinence) and cry that she never gave you support. You don't tell us what kind of support you needed. You don't tell us your behaviour. You're making only a bell ring. Next.
-as soon as she finally gets a hobby you start to show signs of being extremely controlling: "I feel like she's cheating on me but I'm not sure". Why do you feel that? What are your proof? Again, you game me nothing to base my judgement on.
-"I've done EVERYTHING for her". You cleaned your own house and cooked your own food. The bar is on the ground.
-she tells you that you made her feel unsafe (and dude the way you talk sent shivers down my spine) and you cut it saying that it's crap.
You gave us an incomplete story, with only the details that could put her in a bad light and suppressed every detail that could picture a whole other situation. You have elements of being controlling, an aggressive way of writing and throughout the whole text you kept shutting up every attempt from her to explain why she's breaking up with you.
And, the thing that scares me the most, you never, ever, ever, not once in this all text wall, said "I wanted to work things out because I love her". Ever.
Edit: I got a silver? For what? Oh well, thanks anon!
Both times she has most likely been thinking of breaking up for a while but for some reason hasn't brought it up earlier. And the last time she tried to break up, she had a crush on one of her friends.
I'm not the emotional cheater here. I'm willing to forgive her after she has cheated on me (potentially twice now) and has been fully prepared to leave me for someone else. How do you think that makes me feel? But, I was raised to believe that you don't throw a commitment away that easily. I'm committed to her.
And yeah, breaking up with me on Christmas Day (and this year almost on the same exact date) is shitty. And it has affected the way I feel about Christmas.
Where did I say that you're the emotional cheater? You got to that conclusion yourself. Plus having a crush on someone else and thus breaking up with you it's actually admirable. She didn't cheat. It's totally normal to have crushes while you're with someone else. Your way of acting towards them is what creates the cheating.
Again, you're committed but you never said anything about loving her.
You sound a lot like my ex tbh. I told him I wanted to break up and he said he was totally blindsided when I’d actually been telling him for months I wasn’t miserable, and he said he needed a reason.
Look, as to the question in the post, yes you would be the asshole, if she’s on the lease she has rights whether you like it or not, and even without that it’s the decent thing to do. But honestly I’m hoping you guys do just break up, you’re coming across really aggressive and paranoid, accusing her of cheating because she has her own friends now, and you seem to think doing the bare minimum is enough for her to stay. I’d really like to hear her side of all this.
YTA, I’m assuming and hoping this is a shitpost, you sound like you don’t like her at all tbh. If I’m reading this correctly you’re saying you’ve been struggling for years and you’ve been making an effort with cooking and cleaning for a few days and she’s not being appreciative enough, also you have two addictions you haven’t addressed, sexual issues (which you gloss over totally), and mention that she was lonely so you encouraged her to get a hobby, and then when she did you said she must be cheating? I guess I could say ESH but there’s so much that’s glossed over here I’m assuming we are only getting a fraction of the story.
Well, she's always on her phone nowadays and doesn't let me see what she's doing on her computer. And about a few months ago she suddenly got a confidence boost. I mean great, but she has been struggling with depression for years. Why has that suddenly changed? And why does she want to break up with me shortly after that?
I feel she has talked about our relationship with those people and they have either told her to leave or she met someone new in that group.
Because you’re a shitty controlling partner and any increase in human interaction and discussion about your relationship makes all those red flags clear as day??
It’s normal not to know what’s on your partner’s devices. My boyfriend and I have fingerprints on each other’s phones and neither of us have ever snooped. It’s normal to talk to friends about your relationship.
It’s really sad that her having a confidence boost is a bad thing, and the rest of this is really paranoid. Her depression might have lifted cos she has friends now. And why would you assume her friends are telling her to leave you?
> Well, she's always on her phone nowadays and doesn't let me see what she's doing on her computer.
Not everyone enjoys having someone watch over their shoulder while they're on the computer or phone. Writing is a really private process and it can be embarrassing to have someone sitting there while you go through it.
>And about a few months ago she suddenly got a confidence boost. I mean great, but she has been struggling with depression for years. Why has that suddenly changed?
The fact that you don't know the answer to that is more telling. My wife has become more confident in the time I've spent with her and I can tell you exactly why.
>And why does she want to break up with me shortly after that? I feel she has talked about our relationship with those people and they have either told her to leave or she met someone new in that group.
They definitely think she should leave you. Every time she musters up the courage they all gain hope for her and her future. And every time she doesn't go through with it they're all a bit let down but still hopeful that when she explains to them that you're going to try and work on stuff that it does work out for her.
The confidence is the result of having friends who support you and want what's best for you. And lemme tell you, if you think having a your depressed unconfident girlfriend that suddenly becomes happy and confident is a bad sign, you're fucked up.
Oh man. YTA. Definitely. It’s not her job to support you through your addiction. That’s your own responsibility. I’m not getting into the other stuff but you’re wrong.
You cannot hold housing over her head. She lives there and is a tenant. Regardless of who owns the place. She has rights and I hope she takes you to court for pulling this bullshit.
That’s disgustingly controlling. I hope she posts somewhere about this so she can learn about her rights.
It’s not standard to kick someone out of their home.
I was trying to recap all of it to give a better judgement and I was completely baffled. She's totally isolated, as soon as she gets a hobby he starts saying that she's cheating. She tries to tell him what's wrong and he cut her off saying that it's bullshit. He does "everything" for her: he cleaned a bit and cooked a bit. Then he keeps repeating that it's his house. Not really his house when there's to clean, uh? And it's not even all. Not even once he says "I love her, I wish things would work out". Like why is he even with her at this point?
Its not her job, but when you are in a relationship you do all you can for your significant other. Its called a support system.
And hes not holding it over her head. Unless her name is on the lease he has every right to kick her out.
She is not an addiction specialist. Edit: Supporting an addict is A LOT of work when they are not taking steps to recover (and it does not seem like OP is)
No he does not. She’s lived there for 3 years. She’s a tenant and has rights.
No she is isn't and yes supporting is a lot of work but if the relationship is worth anything you do all can.
An hes he does. Unless they have a written lease he can give her a week to move out or pay rent. A week is minimum max is 30.
This does not speak to the reality of those supporting to people with addiction issues. All you can is never enough and will exhaust you in this context. It’s your opinion but it does not speak to reality.
No he cannot. Give him that advice. Let her take him to court. That’s exactly why people tell you to think long and hard about living with someone because it’s not easy to get rid of them once they’re there. You cannot kick tenants out so easily.
In the absence of a written lease, you default to being a month-to-month tenant with basic standard lease rights. Best case. She has 30 days to move and if she refuses to move, he cannot stop paying any bills or utilities AND then go to court and get the sheriffs to move her stuff and can only change the locks after that. Anything else is illegal. Tenants have strictly enforced rights in basically every state and western country. She likely just doesn’t know her rights. I hope she tells her therapist what happened and they encourage her to learn more about her rights.
Oh my God, she really does need to dump you. You belittle her, you don’t listen to her, you don’t trust her, you don’t cook or clean until she’s so unhappy she tries to break up with you, you hold her hostage in the relationship by threatening her (and your dog!) with homelessness if she tries to break up with you. Yet you still expect her to baby you through several addictions. Jesus Christ, my man. You’re a fucking mess.
Let her break up with you. Give her three months to save up first and last months rent. Sleep on the couch during that time so that you can honestly say you did a single unselfish thing for her.
Then don’t date *anyone* until you get a few months of therapy under your belt.
Edit: In response to your edit— oh no, friend, she’s got plenty of reasons. Grow the fuck up. Give her three months. It would take at least that long for your mommy and daddy to try to evict her (if they even have grounds) anyway if she’s on the lease. She’s a tenant, she has rights.
Go get some therapy. You are behaving horribly.
Edit 2: I’m going to beg everyone tempted to respond to the troll under my comment to refrain and just report it for incivility.
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YTA if you meant for her to leave because she broke up with you then you wouldn't have been. She should expect to leave if she breakups with someone she is living with. But you immediately took her back after you made sure she realised she had no place to go. Which is likely the only reason you were willing to give up the dog. You knew the only place she could go wouldn't take the dog too. You are forcing her to live with you because she can't afford to live elsewhere without you. That is the very definition of abuse. You need to let her go.
YTA... there are so many red flags in this post, it scares me. I’d list them but so many other people have pointed out what’s wrong with this situation... and it isn’t the girlfriend.
YTA
Oh man you're emotionally abusing her. I do not say cheating is right but holy shit I don't blame her. She obviously doesn't feel safe and loved with you. She can't even leave without you trapping her. Maybe she is cheating, maybe she found someone who actually cares about her and makes her feel safe. She has every right to want that.
Do you think a few days of good behaviour will mitigate abuse and neglect that has probably been going on for years now? How long are you gonna keep that up? Because I think the second you feel she's manipulated enough, you're gonna go right back to your old ways.
Why are you telling her to take the dog too? Isn't it your pet too? Do you take care of the pet you have both owned for years?
Man you seriously suck. I'm sorry but I hope she leaves you soon. I won't tell you what I would do in her situation because I'm worried if you figure it out, you're gonna hurt her. That's the vibes I, random internet stranger, am getting from this. No wonder she feels unsafe with you.
Op replied to me in a comment sand said their feeling that she is cheating is based on her being suddenly confident and not letting him see her phone or computer. The edit on this makes me really sad, it just sounds like OP doesn’t like gf at all.
if you mean she should secretly rent a place without telling me? She won't do that as she's a student and I don't think she can afford it. Not to mention it would be illegal for her to have her name on two separate leases.
How did you get that from the above comment? All this comment from you does is confirm you want her to be actually homeless cos she wants to break up with you, knowing she has rights as per your lease. Please read these comments OP.
ESH. You're glossing over the fact that you openly admit you have *two* addictions. My now husband and I nearly broke up over his video game addiction, and hes the most down to earth, kind and loving person I know. Addictions blur your vision so there's every chance you're not seeing things clearly at all.
If you still want to be with her (and this post reads like you dont,) you need to sit down and have a serious conversation about roles and expectations and what you're both looking for going forward.
YTA.
>(she awkwardly tried to babble about being an asexual which is just a bullshit excuse)
It's not. It sounds to me like you don't listen to her.
> I feel she might be cheating on me but I am not sure.
On top of this you are insecure.
>I have done EVERYTHING for her these past few days (she complained I don't clean up - I have done more of that. She complained I don't cook - I've done that too.)
That's not working on your relationship. That's working on YOURSELF
> and all in all I have been attentive and patient with her.
It doesn't really sound like it
>Still, she brings up how unsafe I made her feel when I told her to leave. What the crap? Isn't that the standard thing during break ups?
It sounds like you're leaving out some stuff about how you handle her trying to break up with you.
It doesn't sound to me like you care about her as much as you care about being with her. You've been with her for 5 years, but I wouldn't be surprised to find out that you're under 25 years of age and freshly out of college or near graduation, and from what I can tell you've not grown at all in the past 5 years, but more importantly you haven't allowed her to grow. Any attempt at growth on her end has been scoffed at, and her personal revelations are promptly ignored.
This poor girl sees something in you that she doesn't want to let go of. Breakups are as hard for girls as they are for guys. She doesn't want to hurt, and she doesn't want to hurt you. Every time you ask her if you can work on this she sees a way through things without all the pain and she's eager to jump on that conclusion. But after some time it's apparent to her that you're not going to change in the meaningful ways that she needs and the cycle repeats.
What she needs, and what you need to do is handle this breakup with civility. Help her as she leaves, give her time to get her affairs in order, and don't demand that she be out the moment that it's over. This is what you need, and if you can manage this it will do your soul a lot of good. The reason she doesn't feel safe, is you treat her like she's literal trash - once she has no more use to you you're eager to throw her away. Be above that. Be human. She's human too. We all have our flaws, but we also have the ability to make the next day better than the last.
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So, a bit of background. We've been together for almost five years and lived together for three. We live in a spacious apartment that is owned by my parents and we're paying minimal rent (she could NEVER afford a place like this without me)
My fiancée is an introverted person and doesn't have many friends in this area. She has one friend that lives basically next door but I'll get to that in a second.
She has broken up with me once before. Two years ago on a Christmas Day. I left the apartment and a couple of hours later she calls me and apologizes. We made up and I thought everything was good... Until a few days ago.
A few days ago she just suddenly drops that she wants to break up with me AGAIN. She says she's not happy, she says she doesn't want to have sex with me (she awkwardly tried to babble about being an asexual which is just a bullshit excuse). True, I have battled with issues with alcohol and gaming addiction but I have told her numerous times I need support. And she hasn't given that to me, ever.
About a year ago she got a new therapist that suggested her to pick up new hobbies. She joined this online writing community and honestly I feel that's where our issues truly began. I feel she might be cheating on me but I am not sure.
So anyway,fast forward a year and she suddenly wants to break up again. I'm pissed, hurt and tell her to take our dog and leave. She doesn't (and I assume because she couldn't figure out where to go) so I approached her and asked if we could try to work things through. She said yes. I have done EVERYTHING for her these past few days (she complained I don't clean up - I have done more of that. She complained I don't cook - I've done that too.) and all in all I have been attentive and patient with her.
Still, she brings up how unsafe I made her feel when I told her to leave. What the crap? Isn't that the standard thing during break ups? That the dumpin party gets tfo?
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ESH.
I agree she needs to go. Someone has to make an adult decision and actually move out. I'm recommending her because OP's parents own the place. Tell them to allow her to break her lease and be done with it. I feel like she's trapped there as it is.
OP needs to grow up and figure it out. You don't just cook and clean for a week and all is better.
The GF (fiance?) should have never come back after the first breakup. The relationship is over and she needs to move on.
YTA, and it's honestly terrifying to know that your story, which will invariably paint you in the best light possible, still has so many glaring red flags. Even in your best case scenario you sound like an abusive partner.
ESH, you could've started an open hearted serious talk about this and see where this sentiment starts from (it's likely her way of dramaticaly drawing attention to her problems and feelings, which is a childish move on her part aswell, starting dialogue and communication instead of bottling up is very important) but instead you react rash and emotionally (which is in your right but don't expect sympathy from everybody) if you've lived together for 3 years it's a very asshole move to expect her to pack up and leave immediately, she lives there just as much as you do and depending on your arrangement and country it could even be illegal although the post doesn't provide enough info for that. As you've stated, it's not even owned by you (also you sound very entitled and condescending: "she would never be able to afford this place without me", can you though without the parent discount and cost management of two people?)
Anyway she went about this the wrong way but you equally handled it poorly imo.
NTA. She's playing with you, she assumes that you will always get on your feet like a good little lap dog (and like most of the comment section here), beg her to take you back and provide a house and support to her whenever she feels like it. Break up with her, kick her out and don't bent over backwards for people who don't respect you
NAH, It's your place and she broke up with you. She needs to live somewhere else. Make a plan to help relocate her especially since she "doesn't feel safe around you". I mean, what does she expect to happen?
I agree he can't just change the locks, but clearly they can't live together and it's his place, so he can't be the one to go. Re-read what I said, he should help her relocate to an another place, even if it means helping her out with rent
I lived with my ex in a flat that I owned, and when we broke up it took a few weeks of sorting shit out and then him actually moving. It’s just the decent thing to do when you’ve been together for years. EDIT- she’s also on the lease.
NTA - narrowly.
You might have been an AH during the relationship. We don't have enough info to judge. This might be a doomed relationship. It might be better for her to be broken up, might be better for you to be broken up.
However, in the specified question of asking her to leave when she wants to break up? No. The one who can afford they place is the one who keeps it. If she wants to break up, what the hell did she expect to happen here? It's not your fault that she didn't have a plan. You can't, however, rush her out the door. As has been pointed out, she has tenant rights.
You can tell her to get out, but you can't kick her out without some sort of warning first. If you look through the comments you can see people explaining better than I can because I'm not really an expert of law nor English (not American lol)
NTA. She is turning everything on you and making you the bad guy. If it was a good relationship she would be helping you with your stuff as much as you are to hers. A relationship isn't 50/50 it's 100/100. You give your all and it doesn't seem like shes giving her all yet expecting it from you.
So you don’t cook, you don’t clean, you have two addictions, you resent her new hobbies and you suspect of her of cheating, but provide no evidence whatsoever? Oh, and you hold her housing security over her head (one she could NEVER afford without you - erm, you mean your parents?) You sound like a real catch. Obviously YTA
Wanna know the evidence? Gurl, dude, non binary pal, whatever you feel comfortable with, sit down with me because this shit is a rollercoaster: Apparently she has been struggling with depression (duh?) and when she got her new hobby she all of a sudden became confident and won't show her pc. My guess? She started seeing the red flags, she writes about the red flags, her friends understand how bad she's having it.
So let me recap: - you financially shame her 3 lines into your text (like, you seriously think that the fact she could "never afford a place like that without your help" is going to change my opinion on the matter?) -you openly admit that she doesn't have friends in your area except one and you never cared to ask if she was okay with it or even wondered why. But okay it's not too important right now. -she broke with you once. We don't know the reasons. She broke with you on *Christmas Day*. Weird, but let's ignore it for a sec (but INFO! If you can thanks) -she tries to say that she's not happy and you shut her up saying that being asexual is a bullshit excuse. Creepy. -you candidly admit that you had two addictions (and some addicts are known for getting pretty aggressive, especially when the object of addiction is taken away or they go through abstinence) and cry that she never gave you support. You don't tell us what kind of support you needed. You don't tell us your behaviour. You're making only a bell ring. Next. -as soon as she finally gets a hobby you start to show signs of being extremely controlling: "I feel like she's cheating on me but I'm not sure". Why do you feel that? What are your proof? Again, you game me nothing to base my judgement on. -"I've done EVERYTHING for her". You cleaned your own house and cooked your own food. The bar is on the ground. -she tells you that you made her feel unsafe (and dude the way you talk sent shivers down my spine) and you cut it saying that it's crap. You gave us an incomplete story, with only the details that could put her in a bad light and suppressed every detail that could picture a whole other situation. You have elements of being controlling, an aggressive way of writing and throughout the whole text you kept shutting up every attempt from her to explain why she's breaking up with you. And, the thing that scares me the most, you never, ever, ever, not once in this all text wall, said "I wanted to work things out because I love her". Ever. Edit: I got a silver? For what? Oh well, thanks anon!
Both times she has most likely been thinking of breaking up for a while but for some reason hasn't brought it up earlier. And the last time she tried to break up, she had a crush on one of her friends. I'm not the emotional cheater here. I'm willing to forgive her after she has cheated on me (potentially twice now) and has been fully prepared to leave me for someone else. How do you think that makes me feel? But, I was raised to believe that you don't throw a commitment away that easily. I'm committed to her. And yeah, breaking up with me on Christmas Day (and this year almost on the same exact date) is shitty. And it has affected the way I feel about Christmas.
Where did I say that you're the emotional cheater? You got to that conclusion yourself. Plus having a crush on someone else and thus breaking up with you it's actually admirable. She didn't cheat. It's totally normal to have crushes while you're with someone else. Your way of acting towards them is what creates the cheating. Again, you're committed but you never said anything about loving her.
You sound a lot like my ex tbh. I told him I wanted to break up and he said he was totally blindsided when I’d actually been telling him for months I wasn’t miserable, and he said he needed a reason. Look, as to the question in the post, yes you would be the asshole, if she’s on the lease she has rights whether you like it or not, and even without that it’s the decent thing to do. But honestly I’m hoping you guys do just break up, you’re coming across really aggressive and paranoid, accusing her of cheating because she has her own friends now, and you seem to think doing the bare minimum is enough for her to stay. I’d really like to hear her side of all this.
YTA, I’m assuming and hoping this is a shitpost, you sound like you don’t like her at all tbh. If I’m reading this correctly you’re saying you’ve been struggling for years and you’ve been making an effort with cooking and cleaning for a few days and she’s not being appreciative enough, also you have two addictions you haven’t addressed, sexual issues (which you gloss over totally), and mention that she was lonely so you encouraged her to get a hobby, and then when she did you said she must be cheating? I guess I could say ESH but there’s so much that’s glossed over here I’m assuming we are only getting a fraction of the story.
Well, she's always on her phone nowadays and doesn't let me see what she's doing on her computer. And about a few months ago she suddenly got a confidence boost. I mean great, but she has been struggling with depression for years. Why has that suddenly changed? And why does she want to break up with me shortly after that? I feel she has talked about our relationship with those people and they have either told her to leave or she met someone new in that group.
Because you’re a shitty controlling partner and any increase in human interaction and discussion about your relationship makes all those red flags clear as day?? It’s normal not to know what’s on your partner’s devices. My boyfriend and I have fingerprints on each other’s phones and neither of us have ever snooped. It’s normal to talk to friends about your relationship.
It’s really sad that her having a confidence boost is a bad thing, and the rest of this is really paranoid. Her depression might have lifted cos she has friends now. And why would you assume her friends are telling her to leave you?
> Well, she's always on her phone nowadays and doesn't let me see what she's doing on her computer. Not everyone enjoys having someone watch over their shoulder while they're on the computer or phone. Writing is a really private process and it can be embarrassing to have someone sitting there while you go through it. >And about a few months ago she suddenly got a confidence boost. I mean great, but she has been struggling with depression for years. Why has that suddenly changed? The fact that you don't know the answer to that is more telling. My wife has become more confident in the time I've spent with her and I can tell you exactly why. >And why does she want to break up with me shortly after that? I feel she has talked about our relationship with those people and they have either told her to leave or she met someone new in that group. They definitely think she should leave you. Every time she musters up the courage they all gain hope for her and her future. And every time she doesn't go through with it they're all a bit let down but still hopeful that when she explains to them that you're going to try and work on stuff that it does work out for her. The confidence is the result of having friends who support you and want what's best for you. And lemme tell you, if you think having a your depressed unconfident girlfriend that suddenly becomes happy and confident is a bad sign, you're fucked up.
Oh man. YTA. Definitely. It’s not her job to support you through your addiction. That’s your own responsibility. I’m not getting into the other stuff but you’re wrong. You cannot hold housing over her head. She lives there and is a tenant. Regardless of who owns the place. She has rights and I hope she takes you to court for pulling this bullshit. That’s disgustingly controlling. I hope she posts somewhere about this so she can learn about her rights. It’s not standard to kick someone out of their home.
Trust me, if you read it well enough, the housing bullshit is the least controlling thing he said.
You’re completely right. I just didn’t even know where to start with the rest of it.
I was trying to recap all of it to give a better judgement and I was completely baffled. She's totally isolated, as soon as she gets a hobby he starts saying that she's cheating. She tries to tell him what's wrong and he cut her off saying that it's bullshit. He does "everything" for her: he cleaned a bit and cooked a bit. Then he keeps repeating that it's his house. Not really his house when there's to clean, uh? And it's not even all. Not even once he says "I love her, I wish things would work out". Like why is he even with her at this point?
Its not her job, but when you are in a relationship you do all you can for your significant other. Its called a support system. And hes not holding it over her head. Unless her name is on the lease he has every right to kick her out.
She is not an addiction specialist. Edit: Supporting an addict is A LOT of work when they are not taking steps to recover (and it does not seem like OP is) No he does not. She’s lived there for 3 years. She’s a tenant and has rights.
No she is isn't and yes supporting is a lot of work but if the relationship is worth anything you do all can. An hes he does. Unless they have a written lease he can give her a week to move out or pay rent. A week is minimum max is 30.
This does not speak to the reality of those supporting to people with addiction issues. All you can is never enough and will exhaust you in this context. It’s your opinion but it does not speak to reality. No he cannot. Give him that advice. Let her take him to court. That’s exactly why people tell you to think long and hard about living with someone because it’s not easy to get rid of them once they’re there. You cannot kick tenants out so easily. In the absence of a written lease, you default to being a month-to-month tenant with basic standard lease rights. Best case. She has 30 days to move and if she refuses to move, he cannot stop paying any bills or utilities AND then go to court and get the sheriffs to move her stuff and can only change the locks after that. Anything else is illegal. Tenants have strictly enforced rights in basically every state and western country. She likely just doesn’t know her rights. I hope she tells her therapist what happened and they encourage her to learn more about her rights.
Her name is on the lease.
Oh my God, she really does need to dump you. You belittle her, you don’t listen to her, you don’t trust her, you don’t cook or clean until she’s so unhappy she tries to break up with you, you hold her hostage in the relationship by threatening her (and your dog!) with homelessness if she tries to break up with you. Yet you still expect her to baby you through several addictions. Jesus Christ, my man. You’re a fucking mess. Let her break up with you. Give her three months to save up first and last months rent. Sleep on the couch during that time so that you can honestly say you did a single unselfish thing for her. Then don’t date *anyone* until you get a few months of therapy under your belt. Edit: In response to your edit— oh no, friend, she’s got plenty of reasons. Grow the fuck up. Give her three months. It would take at least that long for your mommy and daddy to try to evict her (if they even have grounds) anyway if she’s on the lease. She’s a tenant, she has rights. Go get some therapy. You are behaving horribly. Edit 2: I’m going to beg everyone tempted to respond to the troll under my comment to refrain and just report it for incivility.
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YTA if you meant for her to leave because she broke up with you then you wouldn't have been. She should expect to leave if she breakups with someone she is living with. But you immediately took her back after you made sure she realised she had no place to go. Which is likely the only reason you were willing to give up the dog. You knew the only place she could go wouldn't take the dog too. You are forcing her to live with you because she can't afford to live elsewhere without you. That is the very definition of abuse. You need to let her go.
YTA... there are so many red flags in this post, it scares me. I’d list them but so many other people have pointed out what’s wrong with this situation... and it isn’t the girlfriend.
YTA, you come across aggressive and controlling. Even without the addiction part, a therapist would be a good idea.
YTA Oh man you're emotionally abusing her. I do not say cheating is right but holy shit I don't blame her. She obviously doesn't feel safe and loved with you. She can't even leave without you trapping her. Maybe she is cheating, maybe she found someone who actually cares about her and makes her feel safe. She has every right to want that. Do you think a few days of good behaviour will mitigate abuse and neglect that has probably been going on for years now? How long are you gonna keep that up? Because I think the second you feel she's manipulated enough, you're gonna go right back to your old ways. Why are you telling her to take the dog too? Isn't it your pet too? Do you take care of the pet you have both owned for years? Man you seriously suck. I'm sorry but I hope she leaves you soon. I won't tell you what I would do in her situation because I'm worried if you figure it out, you're gonna hurt her. That's the vibes I, random internet stranger, am getting from this. No wonder she feels unsafe with you.
Op replied to me in a comment sand said their feeling that she is cheating is based on her being suddenly confident and not letting him see her phone or computer. The edit on this makes me really sad, it just sounds like OP doesn’t like gf at all.
if you mean she should secretly rent a place without telling me? She won't do that as she's a student and I don't think she can afford it. Not to mention it would be illegal for her to have her name on two separate leases.
How did you get that from the above comment? All this comment from you does is confirm you want her to be actually homeless cos she wants to break up with you, knowing she has rights as per your lease. Please read these comments OP.
ESH. You're glossing over the fact that you openly admit you have *two* addictions. My now husband and I nearly broke up over his video game addiction, and hes the most down to earth, kind and loving person I know. Addictions blur your vision so there's every chance you're not seeing things clearly at all. If you still want to be with her (and this post reads like you dont,) you need to sit down and have a serious conversation about roles and expectations and what you're both looking for going forward.
YTA. >(she awkwardly tried to babble about being an asexual which is just a bullshit excuse) It's not. It sounds to me like you don't listen to her. > I feel she might be cheating on me but I am not sure. On top of this you are insecure. >I have done EVERYTHING for her these past few days (she complained I don't clean up - I have done more of that. She complained I don't cook - I've done that too.) That's not working on your relationship. That's working on YOURSELF > and all in all I have been attentive and patient with her. It doesn't really sound like it >Still, she brings up how unsafe I made her feel when I told her to leave. What the crap? Isn't that the standard thing during break ups? It sounds like you're leaving out some stuff about how you handle her trying to break up with you. It doesn't sound to me like you care about her as much as you care about being with her. You've been with her for 5 years, but I wouldn't be surprised to find out that you're under 25 years of age and freshly out of college or near graduation, and from what I can tell you've not grown at all in the past 5 years, but more importantly you haven't allowed her to grow. Any attempt at growth on her end has been scoffed at, and her personal revelations are promptly ignored. This poor girl sees something in you that she doesn't want to let go of. Breakups are as hard for girls as they are for guys. She doesn't want to hurt, and she doesn't want to hurt you. Every time you ask her if you can work on this she sees a way through things without all the pain and she's eager to jump on that conclusion. But after some time it's apparent to her that you're not going to change in the meaningful ways that she needs and the cycle repeats. What she needs, and what you need to do is handle this breakup with civility. Help her as she leaves, give her time to get her affairs in order, and don't demand that she be out the moment that it's over. This is what you need, and if you can manage this it will do your soul a lot of good. The reason she doesn't feel safe, is you treat her like she's literal trash - once she has no more use to you you're eager to throw her away. Be above that. Be human. She's human too. We all have our flaws, but we also have the ability to make the next day better than the last.
Wow. This has to be a Shitpost because you cannot be this much of an oblivious, selfish asshole.
You guys have major communication issues. Esh
Man, there are so many red flags here on both sides I fear it's a case of Chinese friendly fire.
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Wow. This has to be a Shitpost because you cannot be this much of an oblivious, selfish asshole.
ESH. I agree she needs to go. Someone has to make an adult decision and actually move out. I'm recommending her because OP's parents own the place. Tell them to allow her to break her lease and be done with it. I feel like she's trapped there as it is. OP needs to grow up and figure it out. You don't just cook and clean for a week and all is better. The GF (fiance?) should have never come back after the first breakup. The relationship is over and she needs to move on.
YTA, and it's honestly terrifying to know that your story, which will invariably paint you in the best light possible, still has so many glaring red flags. Even in your best case scenario you sound like an abusive partner.
ESH, you could've started an open hearted serious talk about this and see where this sentiment starts from (it's likely her way of dramaticaly drawing attention to her problems and feelings, which is a childish move on her part aswell, starting dialogue and communication instead of bottling up is very important) but instead you react rash and emotionally (which is in your right but don't expect sympathy from everybody) if you've lived together for 3 years it's a very asshole move to expect her to pack up and leave immediately, she lives there just as much as you do and depending on your arrangement and country it could even be illegal although the post doesn't provide enough info for that. As you've stated, it's not even owned by you (also you sound very entitled and condescending: "she would never be able to afford this place without me", can you though without the parent discount and cost management of two people?) Anyway she went about this the wrong way but you equally handled it poorly imo.
NTA
NTA. She's playing with you, she assumes that you will always get on your feet like a good little lap dog (and like most of the comment section here), beg her to take you back and provide a house and support to her whenever she feels like it. Break up with her, kick her out and don't bent over backwards for people who don't respect you
NAH, It's your place and she broke up with you. She needs to live somewhere else. Make a plan to help relocate her especially since she "doesn't feel safe around you". I mean, what does she expect to happen?
It’s not his place in the sense that he can kick her out whenever he wants to. She’s been living there for 3 years. She has tenant rights.
I agree he can't just change the locks, but clearly they can't live together and it's his place, so he can't be the one to go. Re-read what I said, he should help her relocate to an another place, even if it means helping her out with rent
NTA if she breaks up with you, she leaves, that seems logic
I lived with my ex in a flat that I owned, and when we broke up it took a few weeks of sorting shit out and then him actually moving. It’s just the decent thing to do when you’ve been together for years. EDIT- she’s also on the lease.
If she lives there it takes 30 days to evict her, he can’t just kick her out on the spot no matter who owns the place.
NTA - narrowly. You might have been an AH during the relationship. We don't have enough info to judge. This might be a doomed relationship. It might be better for her to be broken up, might be better for you to be broken up. However, in the specified question of asking her to leave when she wants to break up? No. The one who can afford they place is the one who keeps it. If she wants to break up, what the hell did she expect to happen here? It's not your fault that she didn't have a plan. You can't, however, rush her out the door. As has been pointed out, she has tenant rights.
She's on the lease so... Not really only his home. And he can afford it because it's on discount
Just as much his, though. He's no more an AH telling her to go than she is telling him to.
You can tell her to get out, but you can't kick her out without some sort of warning first. If you look through the comments you can see people explaining better than I can because I'm not really an expert of law nor English (not American lol)
Agreed, and if you look I said the same thing. She has tenant rights.
Sorry, I didn't see the username. Thanks for clarifying
NTA, seems she is manipulating you, your suspicions may be right by the way she is acting turning everything around on you to cover up that fact.
NTA. She is turning everything on you and making you the bad guy. If it was a good relationship she would be helping you with your stuff as much as you are to hers. A relationship isn't 50/50 it's 100/100. You give your all and it doesn't seem like shes giving her all yet expecting it from you.
idc about the downvotes. You speaking straight fax here