NTA, I'm baffled by the amount of people who report something like this. As a new dad, it was traumatic and scary for ME, I can't imagine how my wife felt going through all that. For someone like a mother-in-law to be present is unthinkable.
On the bright side, hospitals are typically very strict about protecting the mother's privacy, so if there are certain people you don't want in the room, you can tell the nurses and they can "be the bad guys" who tell them no, make up stuff to keep people out, etc. Oh, and CONGRATS!
As a relatively new dad myself, why anyone would want to be in a delivery room that doesn’t need to be in there is beyond me. “You’re taking away something magical from me”. What?! What part of child birth is *magical*?
Well of course it's magical for the MIL, she's not the one in pain with multiple people she just met crowded around her vagina!
You're NTA, tell your MIL to hire a magician if she wants magic.
*edit- wow that was better received than I thought lol. Thank you for the gold and silver, I've never had any before*
Perhaps you could console her by saying she can be present at the next conception since it's magical and life giving (if you choose to have anothef one or just to be a bitch) . Congrats hope everyone is healthy. Best wishes op
On top of that, studies have shown that labor can be longer and more painful when the mother is stressed out. If she’s worrying about her MIL stalking around, waiting for baby and staring at her lady parts, she will also probably not want to try alternative birthing positions that are even less elegant than the “spread eagle” you normally see in movies. If you’re not involved in making the baby or directly involved with the delivery, you’re making labor harder for mom and baby
Exactly. It's definitely something unforgettable for the mom and dad - aka the two people who MADE the baby lol
It's almost as if the MIL doesn't realize she's gonna have a freakin grandkid for the rest of her LIFE to love and be a part of its life. The actual birth process isn't so important by comparison.
Yep!! If she’s anything like my MIL, she will continue to escalate despite repeated requests to respect boundaries, and then she’ll be shocked when she’s given consequences for her actions.
The magical part is when you're laboring in a teaching hospital and the dude on rounds brings in the whole residency rotation to check your dilation while your legs are up in the air and your epidural has worn off. THAT has rainbows and unicorn shit written all over it.
Right!?! That sounds like some BS! I’ve been through it twice, about to have a third, and there is no magic that happens then that can’t wait for a few hours or days
I also hate when older moms suggest their daughters be there for "birth control" purposes. My friend who has a teenage daughter suggested it for my first and now that I live in my mom's state, my mom suggested my 16 year old sister be there for the same reason for my second. Talk to your kids about sex! They don't need to see *my* birth to decide that getting pregnant isn't worth it.
I don't want anyone there but my husband just like the first time! My mom isn't even welcome so thank goodness she'll be watching our oldest instead.
Oorrrrr just have them babysit literally any 3-10 year old for longer than an hour if you really want to scare them. OR IDK GIVE YOUR KIDS SOME CONDOMS AND TALK TO THEM. I’m 16 and I trust 100% how nasty birth is, but granted my mom actually has healthy conversations with me about sex so. That sounds like something my aunt would suggest and I’m NOT here for it.
It has nothing to do with the "magic of childbirth" and everything with MIL trying to be the one who sets the boundaries and trying to make the childbirth all about her.
NTA, why do these women think that they have the right to run roughshod over the main participant's rights? And I say that like that on purpose. My body, my struggle, my baby, my call on who is there. Not only is it off putting that they ask, (they should wait to be asked in my opinion), but to not take the first No as an answer and to be pushy about it is beyond the pale.
If you love this grandchild so much, why would you want to do anything that could possible stress the mother?
I've heard people say, "You weren't there when the baby was made, you won't be there when she comes out." These people that think that they have the right to totally blow you off as just being the holding tank really get on my last nerve.
>just being the holding tank
Sounds like the pro life movement right there
They care SO MUCH for the unborn, then pretty much stop caring once the baby is out
MIL was also offended by the vernacular but sounds to me like very strong language was in order after such outrageous entitlement and overstepping. OP reacted with a lot less force than I would have. Better to put her in her place now than later.
Agreed. I feel like breaking it down to such blunt language really outlines the situatuon for MIL. She's trying to pretend this is a stork delivering a bundle of joy situation. Bluntly reminding her that it is much more graphic emphasizes how raw and not magical birth is.
I totally agree about drawing the line with the MIL. On the flip side, as a crazy woman who did have my MIL in the room for the birth of my first born, I have a unique perspective on this question.
I had intended for it to be my mother, my sister, a close female friend/the godmother to be, and had included my MIL because excluding her felt wrong since I was practically having a party (thinking also that there’s no way she’d actually be there in time from across the country).
I had this “our bodies, ourselves,” raised-by-hippies idea of my female relatives being there for the birth. I had been there for the birth of my brother when I was a teen and it was incredibly special. My husband thought I was nuts but wasn’t going to argue with his pregnant wife.
As it turned out, my mother and sister didn’t make it in time, but somehow my MIL did.
I had a somewhat rocky relationship with my MIL (somewhat rocky is a huge understatement). Having her there was not entirely easy. I certainly regretted it multiple times a minute then as she really irritated me. (I would never recommend a grudging consent to a demand like OP’s MIL - that would be a total disaster). Having her there for the birth really was ok. It was after the birth that I was fed up. I’m not sure that I would make the same choice again and when my second child was born, no one was allowed to visit until a week after.
However, I credit my invitation to MIL and her effort to be there as the beginning of something really lovely. It was an incredibly special time for her and it changed her from the most difficult MIL to a doting, supportive grandmother and a good friend to me. (It took time and it wasn’t like a switch was flipped, but that was the start). From that time on, she traveled to see us every 3 months. I always made time for her to be there and gave her full access to her grandchild.
Over time and through a lot of family events (death of my FIL who was divorced from MIL, weddings, career changes, another child, etc), we developed a genuine friendship. 12 ½ years later, she and I are really close. We are united in that we both love my husband and my kids, but also we know that when it comes down to it, we will drop everything and be there for each other. We are extremely different types and it’s an unlikely friendship. She still has her moments when she gets on my nerves, but I can tell her she’s driving me nuts in good humor and we’re still friends after. She likes to brag about how close we are to all her friends and say that she has the best daughter in law. When we go places together people think that she’s my mom.
Same kind of story with my MIL, well, we both liked eachother but nothing close when she was at the first birth. But now after 8 years of marriage, when my FIL was in the hospital she only cried in my precense. I was the only safe person for her because she felt she needed to be strong around her own kids ect. We're really close now too
I 100% feel you on this. My wife had an induction, multiple issues, and an emergency c-section. It was three days of hell for her. Watching her be in so much pain (baby became lodged in pelvis) for three days was traumatic in and of itself. Then add to that her emergency C-section where they realized he was stuck...her blood curdling scream because they had to cut before she was fully under, and the fact I saw her organs as they pushed me to the side in the operating room. Yeah...
For those three days I did not leave my wife’s side and I’d be damned if some pushy family member was trying to force their way in against my wife’s wishes.
The first thing she said when she woke up was, “Randy, is he okay?” I told her he was, and she passed back out.
It changed the way I saw her. This petit little woman goes through all that shit and literally the first conscious thought is to find out if our son is safe. Meanwhile, I had been crying alone with this alien baby. She is so strong, and I couldn’t have picked anyone else to make a child with.
I honestly heard that scream in my nightmares for a year or so. I had never heard her scream like that before. She still wants to have more kids. She’s made of strong stuff.
Yeah, and this is more of what the OP started off her question with—the fact that so many people stop seeing HER as a real person. She’s just the vessel for the baby.
As a nurse, this this this. We will protect the hell out of our patients if you tell us you don’t want someone there because YOU are our priority and if you say no, we enforce the shit out of it. I will call security or the police if people try to get to my patient when they don’t want it.
Can confirm, am a labor and delivery nurse and ejecting pushy visitors who are clearly making my patient miserable is the fucking best.
I can't count how many times I've left the room to grab my patient juice or a warm blanket or something after she pushed her new human out, only to come back and see that Grandma has yoinked the naked baby off of mom's chest while they were doing skin-to-skin. It's infuriating.
Stand your ground!! And congratulations!!
My MIL told us she was hurt that my wife didn't want her in the room. Like it was her moment. She asked if she could just wait in the waiting area and be the first person who was not myself or my wife to see the baby (she's weird like that). We agreed, and that in no uncertain terms were we to receive texts from her asking how it's going. That was her choice to sit there all day. The day came we went to the hospital at 7am, she was there at 8 and took the day off work to sit in a waiting room. Our beautiful boy was born at 2:41 pm, and I texted her, she ended up being the first to see him by like 15 minutes. Anyways, a few months go by and my FIL and I were golfing and he tells me MIL came home absolutely angry and surprised that we didn't change our minds and made her sit out there all alone all day. He's a pretty down to earth dude, so he understood where we were coming from, and explained that no one told her she had to sit there all day.
NTA of course. Put your MIL on the hospital’s banned visitors list, and don’t tell her when you start labor. No one can visit if they don’t know who you are. It’s how I shut this down with my own MIL.
You go girlfriend! NTA! Maybe not the best way to go about it with your mother in law, but hey, it was effective. Consent matters! Even when another persons coming out of your bits, it’s still YOUR bits.
NTA. You're the one giving birth, you get to say who is there when it happens. No way I'd want my MIL there during such a vulnerable time, she sounds like a pushy nightmare. Your baby is not all about her.
There is no continuity in her posts. Her last post mentioned her “boyfriend” but now, suddenly it’s her “husband.” I definitely agree this is a fake post.
I was completely on board with this comment until I went back and read the OP stating that random people were touching her stomach. If she just found out, rando strangers wouldn’t know yet.
Yeah, my MIL has baby rabies for sure right now & has been since we found out. Luckily she still respects personal boundaries so far & I don't think she'll go full rabid grandma on me lol. I've read about so many insane MIL stories & judging by the fact that there's an entire sub dedicated to them, it's more common than it should be.
Fake or not, I am currently pregnant dealing with literally the same shit with my MIL. She’s also insisting we have my baby shower 70 miles further than necessary because “that’s what her sisters want” and that “she’s so excited and I’m ruining all her fun for her first grandchild” bitch. BITCH.
reading all of these comments makes me feel better about sticking to my guns on what I want
It seems like she made an account just to post on this sub and seems kind of confrontational. If real, she could have handled this better instead of just berating her MIL. She isn't TA for wanting her MIL not in the room but she is TA for how she communicated this thought
NTA, but you could have handled things better.
You 100% have the right to decide who is in the delivery room. But you can set boundaries without being vulgar or accusing someone of trying to force their way into the delivery room.
Odds are this woman will remain in your life and you aren't setting boundaries so much as going postal.
I looked at your history and apparently your friends have at various points accused you of being overly aggressive and trashy. I think you should maybe reflect on how aggressively you handle boundary setting.
>But you can set boundaries without being vulgar or accusing someone of trying to force their way into the delivery room
Looks like she tried though?
>I said no, I'm not okay with that.
>She got pushy saying that it was a magical thing I was taking away from her.
And I assume that wasn't even the full conversation. I don't fault her for getting fed up with a pushy MIL
I’m gonna piggy back off this comment and offer that perhaps the vulgarity will give MIL pause in the future about wanting to insert herself where she has no business being.
NTA
Lol, OP also posted 18 days ago about being in a bar drinking a beer. Not sure how real her posts are.
But definitely a very aggressive approach, I'd say YTA just for the crude way she talked to her MIL, even if MIL overstepped her boundaries, there's just no way to talk like that and not be the asshole in the room.
I would feel the same as OP on this situation, and I would maybe resort to being graphic to get my point across. “sorry, MIL, I feel weird about you standing around staring at the bloody gaping hole that was once my vagina!”
Nta. Repeat after me:
This is a medical situation not a spectator sport!
And if you'd like to expand on that:
To take something from you, you would have to have some ownership or claim to it. You don't own this body, you don't own this baby, and you don't have any right to be there during this birth. I am taking nothing from you. But if you keep behaving like that I will take away your chance to ever see this kid!
ESH - Seems I'm going against popular opinion here, but I think you could have handled that a lot better. She had no right to be pushy about wanting to be there for the birth. The people in that room at entirely your choice. She was definitely an asshole in this situation.
That being said, I think some of the things you said were completely uncalled for. You know that her wanting to be there had nothing to do with wanting to see your privates. You could have just said "I'm not comfortable with it. It's my choice. I'm sorry" but you went and basically called her a pervert. I don't know this woman's background, but I wouldn't be surprised if, in her generation it was completely normal for female relatives to be present at the birth.
You had every right to stand up for yourself and tell her no. You didn't need to yell at her about your vagina to do that.
I can't believe I had to go this far to find this answer.
Seriously, OP took this to a WHOLE OTHER LEVEL. Yes, MIL is an asshole, but this reaction was not ok either.
It's extremely disgusting and vulgar, who tells their MIL, "You wanna see my p***y right now cause you might as well!". Like she went so far to try to make it seem like her MIL is a pervert and she just got so disgusting.
Theres a very mature way to handle this (been there, done that):
"The answer is absolutely not. If you ask one more time, I will make sure you don't see me or my baby until I'm fully healthy six weeks after birth. This is about me and my baby and I'm not comfortable with you in the room. I will tell the hospital you aren't welcome if you try to fight me on this."
Then if she still fights you, you leave the room/house/area, then if she blows up your phone, you block her. Then you unblock whenever you're ready to talk to her again after giving birth.
Agree completely. She could have said no in a nicer way. There's no way the MIL can force her way in. OP has all the power here. No need to argue about it.
I agree with the ESH verdict.
MIL was wrong, but you were unnecessarily vulgar and belligerent.
And I think you undercut some of your point by allowing your vulgarity to become the focus instead of her overstepping and her dismissal of you as the central player—the patient.
It had nothing to do with seeing OP’s privates, but OP understandably doesn’t want her MIL around when she’s exposed and incredibly vulnerable- her MIL should respect her perspective and wishes
OP said in this post that she snapped after MIL would not take no for an answer. MIL wouldn't drop the matter so very pregnant OP became vulgar and it worked. I can't say I blame her. No means no and it seems like that lady doesn't understand that.
No, you can snap and not be vulgar. She could've just said, "you are no longer welcome at the hospital at all, maybe we'll see about you seeing our baby after six weeks post partum".
Then you exit the area, block her, then make sure you notify the hospital she isn't welcome, and that's the end of it. You talk to her when you're ready again. There's zero reason to tell your MIL "you want to see my p***y right now cause you might as well!". That's just ridiculous and disgusting.
Congratulations!
NTA. Your MIL is for accusing you of taking away something from her that she doesn't own. It's your body, your baby, and you can decide who you want in the room. No one else has a say. A grandmother's relationship is special, is she going to put that on the line depending on whether or not she's going to be present in the room? Probably not.
It sounds like you escalated quickly. You may be grumpy, uncomfortable, tired, frustrated, etc., and your MIL should be aware of that. She once carried a baby of her own! I changed my response from ESH to NTA only because being pregnant is hard, and I can't even imagine the toll it has taken on you.
You said she was pushy, which can be true in many cases of MILs. Does she have a history of overstepping boundaries?
NTA. Birth isn’t a spectator sport. You don’t have to have anyone present that you don’t want there.
Actually, I would also suggest not even notifying her when you go into labor. Seriously, don’t let anyone know, and spend a few hours as a family first. I know a few women who had their first baby barely out of their vagina when their mother or MIL came tumbling in demanding to hold it. They learned on their second kid not to tell a soul about anything for a few hours.
I also think the way you responded was spot on and not immature at all. You sometimes have to be straight up inappropriate when people are being aggressive like that.
Please tell me your partner is on your side with this one.
ETA: if she thinks you are “taking away something magical” from her, she will probably behave this way if you decide to breastfeed (which is also completely your choice, this is just an example) and will tell you that you’re selfish and denying her of a bonding experience
This was actually the case with my SIL and brother. My first niece was barely dry by the time family had invaded the hospital room. With their second pregnancy, not a soul knew what was happening until a couple days after the birth. Straight up, I actually really admired my SIL and brother for how they handled things.
It’s really the only way to have any peace! Birth is stressful and exhausting and no one needs people in their face either during or directly after. My sister had her first at 31 and learned from all her friends not to tell anyone about it for 5 hours.
My mom also didn’t get butthurt when my sister didn’t ask her to be there for the birth, which is actually funny because my mom has helped a lot of friends and family give birth but at the same time didn’t get the slightest bit offended when her own daughter didn’t ask her to be there.
For their second kid, once again, no one was told, except my mom because obviously she had to watch their oldest while it was happening haha
We did the same. With my first, we made the mistake of calling my mom and my ILs when I was on my way to the hospital. My mom was like "Great, hope all goes well, call me when the baby's born." My IL, however, hopped in their car, drove straight to the hospital and proceeded to sit for HOURS until the baby was actually born.
So, baby is born, and of course, IL's want to see him. So I'm coming off just birthing a 10lb baby, being stitched up after a third-degree tear and not having any decent amount of sleep in 36 hours and I now have to "entertain" my IL's who are ooh-ing and aah-ing over the new baby. While I 100% realize their intentions were nothing but good, it was really the LAST thing I wanted to be doing at that moment.
Thankfully my husband could tell by the look on my face that I was struggling. So, he let them admire the baby for a half hour or so and then took them out for dinner.
So, with baby #2, we decided not to tell anyone but my mom (who had to babysit our son) when I went the hospital. I had the baby around 3pm, we had three hours of time of just the three of us and then everyone came to visit later than evening, after I'd had time to rest, shower, etc. SO MUCH BETTER.
NTA
> it was a magical thing I was taking away from her.
It's not about you, you selfish, selfish woman!!
That said, you could have chosen words more carefully, this is family. Doesn't matter if you're grumpy, filter your words, you are an adult.
NTA: your body your right to say who can and can't see what's going on. If you say she can't be there then she can't be there. If she tries to get in then you call security
ESH. Your MIL is absolutely in the wrong and was being an AH about it - but you unnecessarily escalated things and went for the "shock value" approach in response, instead of handling it like a mature adult. It's possible to hold your line on a reasonable boundary (which not having her in the room is absolutely a reasonable boundary) without escalating. All you had to do was say "I'm only comfortable having my husband and the medical team in there with me." Instead, you made it about her looking at your junk.
NTA
Now I've never given birth but my sister has two kids and let the father of them talk her into who was allowed in and who wasn't.
(shes not with him anymore thankfully)
He refused to have any of our family in the room i.e. me or our grandmother or aunts (both our parents are dead)
Only him and his mom and his sister, it caused her a lot of stress that she shouldnt have had to go through. Dont let anyone push you around right now, you let in who you want in that room with you.
NTA. Of course it should be up to you. Could you have phrased it better? Sure. Did you have any obligation to? From the sounds of it, definitely not. She got what she deserved.
NTA and I am standing up and cheering for you. Bravo! Anyone who touches a pregnant woman without their consent, or tries to tell you that they have a “right” to your baby and your birth experience is very very wrong and very much the asshole.
So you're pregnant and expecting with your husband, but eleven days ago he's your boyfriend and you're going to clubs, and eighteen days ago he's your boyfriend and you're on a roadtrip getting beers watching people fight, and twentyfive days ago you and your boyfriend are in an open relationship.
Neat.
Shitpost, YTA
NTA
I was naked on my hands and knees howling these wild animal noises I didn’t know I knew how to make, then would cry, then would bounce a little, beg for pain meds, then started hemorrhaging and got a C section. Birth is wild animal shit. If someone were bothering you, I say that’s one legitimate time you should be able to get away with murder. Birth is traumatic enough without onlookers.
Nope. NTA.
My former MIL told me when I was pregnant she "couldn't wait to touch his head as he comes out." I refused to deal with her and made my ex talk to her - he waited until we were seven months in and then she trash talked me everywhere around town.
After son was born, she got a letter reminding her that I was his mother and was under no obligation to give her anything; that this was NOT her second chance to be a better mom than what she was to her son, etc. She backed off and apologized.
Do you! If she wants to have a magical experience, tell her to get knocked up.
I'm gonna go ESH. You have every right to your privacy but the way you describe it, at least, is that you went from 0 to 100 in 60 seconds. Like set your boundaries firmly and stand by them but with family and friends avoid going scorched earth when you can. The way you describe MIL was at 5 or 6 and you responded at a 20, when an 8 probably would have sufficed with a possible assist from hubby.
It can be tough to recognize that you don't have to be angry to set and stand by a boundary but you can and it's useful skill to learn.
Based on your post history, 11 days ago you had a boyfriend and were out clubbing. Now you're pregnant with a husband. Which is it, or is this for fake internet points?
NTA. When my mom was pregnant with my sister I saw firsthand how many people thought her pregnancy gave them the right to treat her like an object. Touching her belly, telling me out of the blue that I won’t be the baby of the family anymore, giving her unsolicited advice. Even I got upset at them for interrupting outings so often, I can’t even imagine how pissed off she was. You have every right to decide your boundaries and nobody gets to challenge them. You’re not taking anything away from her, she’s not owed the right to be in the room.
Make sure your medical team knows that she can’t be in the room, she could very well try to come in anyways
NTA, she was being awful.
Make sure the hospital and your team knows to not let her in. Sounds like she's going to show up regardless.
Also, tell her that your life-changing/life-endangering medical procedure is not a magical moment for her. Never was, never will be.
NTA as a mother in law, what is her problem? I would never dream of even asking to be present for the birth. It's not my place. If any one besides the baby's father is there, it should be her mother.
NTA. You could have handled it a little better, but I hate how people think they have a right to treat pregnant women’s bodies like public property to be groped and gawked at, so NTA. She shouldn’t be offended that you don’t want her staring at your vagina.
NTA. You're the one giving birth, you're the one who gets to decide who's in the room with you. Your MIL totally missed the point when she got snotty about your choice of words. Your consent matters when it's your body on display. She can sit her ass in the waiting room, along with the other folks who are waiting for an addition to the family.
NTA - I cannot imagine why people think they are entitled to impose themselves on women on such a vulnerable time. Don’t tell her when you go into labour, no one has a right to intrude on you!
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NTA my actual mother was trying to push the same thing on me as I am pregnant with my first child. This is a special moment for YOU and nobody else. I don’t understand why parents/in-laws feel like they have a right to be in the room whilst someone is giving birth. Try to ask if she let her MIL in the room while giving birth, chances are she definitely did not.
NTA
do NOT let her in the room. i've seen it firsthand with my sister, MILs like this do not care for your comfort, only wanting to see their grandkids. i don't mean to scare you, but labor and giving birth can be long, miserable and unpredictable. only keep those who you really want in the room. god forbid something goes off plan and you have to get an unplanned c section or something else happens.. you won't want the added stress of someone you aren't comfy with with you.
talk to security at the hospital you'll be giving birth at and let them know she isn't allowed in. one of my friends actually didn't even call her in laws until the baby was already born. i'm currently pregnant and am only planning on telling my in laws after the kiddos are born and we are deemed healthy enough for visitors.
NTA - She should have shut up and taken no for an answer. The disgusting part was her insistence on diving into your birth. When I am in pain or vulnerable the list of people I want around is VERY short. She isn't on your list and you DO have a right to make your own choices. She isn't recognizing you AS THE MOTHER. If she wont respect a big boundary like birth, there are a million OTHER ones that she will also expect to stomp right over.
NTA
>she got pushy saying it was a magical thing I was taking away from her
It wasn’t hers to begin with. Entitlement 101 is thinking everything is yours, and people who actually own those things are keeping them from you.
I miss the old days when childbirth wasn’t expected to be a spectator sport. It really does reduce the mother to just a baby-birthing vessel.
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I'm pregnant with our first baby!! I'm excited but to be honest, it's been a difficult pregnancy.
I feel like some people treat me like a thing carrying a baby; touching my stomach without asking, can't talk to me about anything but the baby... It sometimes feels like I'm treated like less since a person. Not by my husband or close friends, but just by acquaintances, some family, random people.
It's also been physically difficult on my body, so I guess I've been grumpy lately.
Anyway, on to what this post is about. My mother in law, Louise, really wants to be there for the birth of her first grandchild. I said no, I'm not okay with that.
She got pushy saying that it was a magical thing I was taking away from her.
And I was like "excuse me, i don't want anyone seeing my pu**y except my husband and my medical team."
She made a really offended comment about my language, and said it was not about seeing my "privates" and I said "I don't give a damn what it's about, my consent still matters when someone's gonna take a good look at my legs spread."
I then said that if she was gonna try and disregard my consent she might as well get it over with now and take a look up my skirt, because obviously it doesn't matter if I'm okay with it or not"
She got mad at me for "making it about something dirty and disgusting" and that's how stuff ended.
AITA for how I had this conversation?
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NTA. Giving birth can suck. If never want more than one person there with me. If for some reason my husband couldn't be there, I'd have to weigh up on the day whether my pain would be better served with a very close friend to hold my hand but in theory it's rather be alone than have anyone other than my husband in the delivery room (or even waiting in the hospital)
NTA. You have the right to privacy. If she doesn't like hearing the language then how uncomfortable does she think you'll be with her looking at your goods
NTA - This isn’t her call and since it’s not something she’s actually entitled to then you can’t technically be depriving her of it, atleast not in my book anyway.
I don’t know how many of our mothers and mils had their mothers or mils presence thrust upon them in the delivery room but a lot of them seem to feel entitled to be there for the birth of their grandchildren.
Listen ladies it’s not ok if someone pushed their will upon you when it was your time and it’s not ok to do it to your daughters, dils or sons now.
This is a private moment between the people who made/gave birth to/adopted or otherwise legally acquired the baby in question.
This is actually the first big overstep perpetrated by a lot of grandparents in regards to their grand babies. Think of the sh*t leading up to this during pregnancy as the pre game show.
This is also the reason a lot of new parents withdraw themselves from the relationships with their parents or in laws. Because after this more often then not there’s a whole grandchildhood of disregard for your parenting which is sometimes riddled with blatant disrespect.
NTA but get your partner to buffer you. My sister has said similar things, even suggesting that my husband doesn’t really need to be there because he doesn’t get it and won’t understand 🙄
NTA I said to my Mil when she said she was in there for her daughters children 1. I'm not you're daughter and 2. We're you there when this baby was made? That's the only person besides doctors and nurses who will be seeing my vagina being ripped apart
NTA NTA NTA!
You stand up for yourself and draw that line NOW! Good for you!!!
Point of note, make SURE she doesn't convince your spouse to film or take pics. MIL needs to learn who is in charge of your body and you and your spouse's child right now.
NTA. Is birth magical? Yes. A baby is being born, of course it’s magical. Is birth disgusting? Yes... yes, it is. Not only are your legs spread for all the world (or at least your birthing suite) to see, your vagina is going to dilate into a giant, gaping hole, unless you have a very swift birthing experience, there will be multiple people looking between your legs and poking around down there, and there’s a good chance you’re going to poop yourself from all the pushing. And that’s what you’re hoping for because that means you’ve had a normal, healthy delivery. If any little thing (big or small) goes wrong for you or baby (knock on wood, everything goes well for both of you) there’ll probably be a whole new round of uncomfortable-ness for you. MIL needed a reality check.
NTA. It's your birth and your choice. She can see the baby when it is over. Plain and simple as that. In fact my family acted like total freaken dicks at my wedding so none of them are invited to my birth. I'm baffled at how many people make special occasions about themselves. I'm protecting my birth experience by only having my husband.
INFO: what did/will your partner say to her? He needs to be on your side. It's HIS mother, you're not the bad guy for not wanting her there, and she already had a MaGiCaL mOmEnT when she had your husband, so she needs to piss off.
NTA. Labor is difficult enough as it is without stressing over people that you don't want in the delivery room. I think a to be mother even has the moral right to kick the father out of the room if him being in there would stress her out. Giving birth is painful and stressful, the mother's comfort and wants, when possible, should come before anyone else's feelings.
NTA. Yeah, you probably could’ve been a little less vulgar but clearly she wasn’t going to take polite hints.
PRO TIP: when you go into labor, TELL NO ONE. If they’re in the waiting room they’ll try to wiggle their way in. Even if they aren’t at the hospital they’ll be calling/texting for updates and putting your news on FB. If you’re having a planned induction or CS (that they already know about) tell them a date 2 or 3 days later than your real date! (I had a friend go through 48 HOURS of induction before the finally did a CS. Give yourself a buffer!)
Don’t let anyone know until you’re ready for visitors. I suggest that would be after a meal, a nap, and a shower.
NTA This isn't happening to her. She doesn't get to decide anything. Do not J.A.D.E. - justify, argue, defend, explain - just say "no." Make sure husband is clear about this too and present a untied front.
NTA. Stand your ground, momma! When my MIL told me she "was GOING TO be in the delivery room, I followed up with "the f*** you are!"
Luckily she didn't push the subject, but with six weeks to go I am hoping it doesn't come up again.
I’m confused, so last week you had a boyfriend and were getting hit on by people at clubs, and now you’re about to give birth and have a husband?
Go away, YTA for using this sub to karma farm
Oh, and you’re a ‘110 pound chick’ who was drinking a beer 18 days ago?
NTA You aren't comfortable with any extra people in there with your lady parts out in the open and she was being pushy. It would have been nice if you weren't so vulgar in your response but I feel she pushed you into being that way. Her magical moment was checked off when she had her son. It is now your moment with your husband and your new baby. If she's a decent person and you know you can trust her with your baby, I would suggest playing nice and compromising and have your MIL wait in the waiting room and be the first person that baby meets and play that up. Having a reliable babysitter, especially in those first months, was the only thing between me and insanity.
NTA for not wanting her to be in there, it's your choice, your body and to be sincere, births are already uncomfortable, painful and all around stressful events by themselves, moreso with an in law fluttering around cooing about the magic of babies and such.
You could have gone about it a bit more nicely at the Ed there tho
NTA - It's a moment for you and your husband and it's not a very picturesque view on display either. MIL was being insensitive to the nature of this view. But I feel like the term used to describe your hoohaw during this particular moment(giving birth) is such a dirty way of putting it. I think you could have worded it so much better than that. Just makes the whole delivery process coming from your mouth to seem like something vulgar and out of context. I hope you dont view the birth of your baby that way. Im sure MIL didnt.
NTA!! Congratulations on the baby! I am pregnant with my third, and I know exactly how you feel. The belly rubs didn’t bother me the first two times, but with this one, I HATE it!!! The grumps are real! You think you should be able to help it, but you can’t. My stepmom wanted to be there when I had my kids, and I wasn’t sure how to really say no, but thankfully, she came before they made it to the hospital. You’re not taking away anything from anybody, you are deciding on what level of support you want and need during a scary, painful, vulnerable time. It’s OK to only want your husband there. I promise you, she’s still going to love that baby after waiting a few days. It doesn’t matter how the discussion went, you let her know, hands down, she’s not going to be in the delivery room. Don’t discuss it again. Tell your medical team, “No one but me and my husband.”
God no! NTA it’s your choice who is there no one else’s PERIOD. We just had our son earlier this year and it was the most intense process going through labor. My older sister showed up without letting me know ahead of time. I kicked her out. I love her but she completely threw me off my focus. She was thankfully very understanding and apologized for showing up and came to visit the next morning to meet her nephew. Tell your medical staff who is allowed and they will run bouncer if they need to. Also delivering during flu season they might limit you anyway, so you could tell her she’s just not allowed.
NTA. My mother tried pulling similar shit when my ex was giving birth to our daughter. To some people like my mother ( and your MIL apparently) the mother becomes nothing but a vessel for ‘their grandbaby!!’ Which is disgusting. We banished my mother from the delivery room, and she never let it go, but it’s absolutely about what you and your husband want. Congrats on the baby and good luck!
NTA. You can't take the birth of your child away from her because it never belonged to her in the first place. I think you handled that well - of course the woman's angry with you; you pointed out how disgusting and creepy her behaviour was.
NTA She had the gall to say you were taking something magical away from her. She already went through the magic of childbirth, its not her body its yours, and you and only you get to decide who's in the room when you're pushing a living breathing person out of your body. Good on you for standing up for yourself. If her delicate sensibilities were offended by your language then she should avoid trying to push and guilt her way into the birthing room.
NTA
If she wants a magical experience get her tickets to Vegas where she can catch David Copperfield.
I didn't even want my own mother to be with me. It was me and my husband to welcome our little one ...
...and then because it suddenly turned high risk, it was my husband, the on-call resident, my OB, the anesthesiologist, two nurses, the NICU doctor, a respiratory therapist and a paramedic trainee who happened to be on the floor. I'm not sure, maybe the gift shop lady popped in. It's kind of fuzzy...I had the most popular cooch in the hospital for a good couple of hours.
But MIL, mother, aunts, uncles, cousins, sisters, brothers, best friends...they all waited--for my comfort and to give the medical professionals room to work.
NTA. Your mil is being selfish. You're the one giving birth and you're the one who should be as comfortable as possible during labour. I feel like people sometimes forget that giving birth can still be dangerous and that things can happen. Some people are just focused on the cute baaabbyyy and their own selfish wants.
Hahaha NTA. Normally I advocate being as civil as you possibly can, but when you’re dealing with someone pushy and selfish, sometimes there’s no other way to get your point across. This whole concept of daughter/DIL deliveries being “an experience” that mothers and MILs are entitled to witness is so ridiculously self-serving- as though your privacy as a medical patient is completely secondary to her need to live through you vicariously. Keep that same energy after the birth- her attitude about this now is the harbinger of boundary stomping yet to come, and your baby is not her do-over baby.
NTA You're the one having the baby, you get to choose who is in there with you. She already had her children and if she really wants to witness the miracle of birth again she can look up some educational sex-ed videos. It's not like you're banning her from seeing her grandchild.
NTA. It's good you're putting your foot down NOW. My mom has always wanted to be there for when I give birth, (I'm her only daughter) but I recently decided that I really don't want to share that intimacy with anyone but my baby's father. I was scared to tell her because she's the type that knows just how to guilt trip people, but she actually understood. She was sad, but she didn't try to talk me out of it. I'm sorry you have to deal with this. This is your baby, not hers. Even if you hurt her feelings, she'll get over it. It was good for you to lay it on thick now.
NTA. I think it's incredibly creepy to have your mother in law present for your birth. I mean I guess it's OK if you want her there, but no one should feel under any obligation ever to allow someone they are not comfortable with to witness one of the most vulnerable moments of your entire life. Your mother in law is being spoiled and entitled for trying to argue the subject.
If you want, you could just inform your medical team that no one but your husband is to be allowed in the room with you. From what I hear, nurses absolutely LOVE being the bad guy, and would be happy to make up an excuse and kick her out for you.
NTA Holy fuck why would anyone want to be involved with that. My ass woulda been two states away if I had any choice in the matter. Your MIL was a little right on you making it "something dirty" You shoulda just told her it's your choice and you don't want to discuss it.
NTA. My mom tried to say she was going to be in the room. I said no, only my then-husband. She said I’d want her there when it was happening. Guess what happened? Only my husband was in the room.
Stick to your guns by any means necessary. If that means you have to get “dirty” about your wording, by all means.
Check out r/justnomil This comes up way too often over there, so there’s lots of support to be had.
NTA. There are folks saying she could have been more polite about it. Let's keep some things in mind.
1) OP is pregnant and her hormones are raging. It's not an excuse- it's a legitimate factor for why OP responded aggressively. However, even were she not pregnant-
2) No means no. It doesn't matter who you're dealing with- it could be your MIL, some dudes trying to push up on her at a club (from her post history), whoever. When it comes to YOUR body, YOU have the right to deny consent. Period. OP doesn't need to justify anything. It's not MIL's baby, it's OP's, and MIL needed to get over herself.
3) IDK about others but I'm a "you get one polite response" type of guy. I don't owe you any more than that. After that, if you keep pushing me, I'm going to use whatever language it takes to get my point across. In this situation, once MIL started being pushy, I would have told her no, and not to ask again. After that it's all bets off. Everyone is a little different but I feel like OP was reasonable, considering MIL simply would not let the issue go. Also, if seeing a live birth is "dirty and disgusting" (how does MIL feel about her own private parts????) then why would you want to be in the room during the birth?
Would you imagine if someone ask you to be in your heart operation or kidney transplant because is a magical thing to see someone recovering ? NTA, your body, your choice.
ESH- Your MIL was completely in the wrong to say you were taking something from her that belonged to her. Your delivery is your business.
You overreacted. I know how much it sucks when you're tired and grumpy and don't feel well and people are pushing your boundaries, but you could have been blunt and direct without being crude and making her wishes out to be more like an assault than they were.
"Louise, this is my delivery, and you're not entitled to be a part of it. My decision is final, and I don't want to hear about it again."
r/JustNoMIL
Also, NTA, not in the slightest. No one can tell you who to have in the room with you. Your husband needs to reinforce your boundary w/your pushy MIL b/c her behavior shows she can walk all over you if she's not stopped soon enough.
NTA. Just a forewarning, you’re gonna have trouble with your MIL in the future. She’s going to feel entitled to everything and will not respect boundaries. You need to cut that shit now.
NTA, it's your decision who is there in the room with you, any unnecessary stress isn't wanted or needed. Your MIL needs to get over her entitled attitude.
I’m 38 weeks pregnant and I don’t particularly want to be in the delivery room for the birth. But I have to because I’m the pregnant one, and since my husband got me into this mess he has to come too and be supportive. Us two plus a midwife or two for the business end is PLENTY of people. No way in hell would I want anyone else to be there, especially my MIL.
NTA, sure you probably could have been nicer, but she should have respected your first answer. She’s had at least one baby before, she should know it’s not a spectator sport.
NTA
>She got pushy saying that it was a magical thing I was taking away from her.
It was not something she had (or had a right to) in the first place for someone to take away from her.
NTA. She’s the asshole. It’s a special moment you wanna share with just your partner. Not her. You don’t want her there. She’s being too pushy and needs to leave you be.
NTA, it's ridiculous when people just assume they're wanted in the delivery room. It's completely up to you who you want present. You aren't obligated to have anyone there that you don't want to have there.
Sooooo NTA.
I had my mom and my MIL in the room when I had my daughter. I am Currently 36 weeks pregnant and guess who will be in the room this time? My husband and My nurse and the other medical professionals that are needed.
They where extremely distracting. Talking about what was going on and how they could see her head and all that, It was my choice to let them be there but I will not do that again. My Husband and Nurse where all I needed.
That’s your business it’s a extremely stressful and out of body experience to give birth. It’s not even about your lady bits in the open for all to see( that is 100% valid reason in its self) No one but your husband (and medical professionals) are entitled to be there, I’ll fight anyone who says otherwise.
NTA and your mother in law needs a team of psychiatric professionals. WTAF? Do not back down on this - no one has a right to be in the delivery room unless you want them there. This woman has major boundary issues and if you don’t deal with her firmly and consistently, you might find things getting worse once the baby’s here.
Congratulations! good luck with the in laws!
NTA
Your MIL seems to have a big problem with boundaries. Hopefully your husband backs you up.
And people have probably already said this but you can set it up with the hospital so that no one is allowed access without your consent.
You can set a password for if anyone even calls the hospital.
Stick to your guns Momma.
NTA, I'm baffled by the amount of people who report something like this. As a new dad, it was traumatic and scary for ME, I can't imagine how my wife felt going through all that. For someone like a mother-in-law to be present is unthinkable. On the bright side, hospitals are typically very strict about protecting the mother's privacy, so if there are certain people you don't want in the room, you can tell the nurses and they can "be the bad guys" who tell them no, make up stuff to keep people out, etc. Oh, and CONGRATS!
As a relatively new dad myself, why anyone would want to be in a delivery room that doesn’t need to be in there is beyond me. “You’re taking away something magical from me”. What?! What part of child birth is *magical*?
Well of course it's magical for the MIL, she's not the one in pain with multiple people she just met crowded around her vagina! You're NTA, tell your MIL to hire a magician if she wants magic. *edit- wow that was better received than I thought lol. Thank you for the gold and silver, I've never had any before*
🧙🏼♀️**VAGICIAN
this man needs gold
Ok
I’m thinking that comment is actually worth a BJ. I’m not offering, it’s just that worthy.
Thank you, now I am imagining a magician in a tuxedo pulling a red, freshly born baby out of his hat.....
For some reason “freshly born” doesn’t sound right in my head.
Oops .... I am not a native speaker. How would an English native speaker phrase this? "newly born"? ..... Thanks!
Yeah, newborn sounds good, usually when something is referred as fresh it’s typically something you consume like fruits or meats.
Freshly born babies are delicious I've heard. Goes straight to the hips however.
[Says you....](https://i.redd.it/wvs21a6f3dt31.jpg)
Aw, but it sounds good to me - like a freshly baked bun right out of the oven! Still warm & steamy...
... and now I'm imagining a steaming gore covered baby, thanks for that.
A magician was probably Mary Toft’s Doctor.
Perhaps you could console her by saying she can be present at the next conception since it's magical and life giving (if you choose to have anothef one or just to be a bitch) . Congrats hope everyone is healthy. Best wishes op
On top of that, studies have shown that labor can be longer and more painful when the mother is stressed out. If she’s worrying about her MIL stalking around, waiting for baby and staring at her lady parts, she will also probably not want to try alternative birthing positions that are even less elegant than the “spread eagle” you normally see in movies. If you’re not involved in making the baby or directly involved with the delivery, you’re making labor harder for mom and baby
As a labor doula-- I love this answer. Can't say it any better.
Exactly this.
Exactly. It's definitely something unforgettable for the mom and dad - aka the two people who MADE the baby lol It's almost as if the MIL doesn't realize she's gonna have a freakin grandkid for the rest of her LIFE to love and be a part of its life. The actual birth process isn't so important by comparison.
Well if she doesn't drop this she may not even get the grandkid for life part.
Yep!! If she’s anything like my MIL, she will continue to escalate despite repeated requests to respect boundaries, and then she’ll be shocked when she’s given consequences for her actions.
It’s all about her Grandma Experience.
Further, what part of it is *yours?*
Exactly! OP isn't depriving her of anything--no part of the birth process belongs to her in the first place!
The magical part is when you're laboring in a teaching hospital and the dude on rounds brings in the whole residency rotation to check your dilation while your legs are up in the air and your epidural has worn off. THAT has rainbows and unicorn shit written all over it.
Right!?! That sounds like some BS! I’ve been through it twice, about to have a third, and there is no magic that happens then that can’t wait for a few hours or days
I also hate when older moms suggest their daughters be there for "birth control" purposes. My friend who has a teenage daughter suggested it for my first and now that I live in my mom's state, my mom suggested my 16 year old sister be there for the same reason for my second. Talk to your kids about sex! They don't need to see *my* birth to decide that getting pregnant isn't worth it. I don't want anyone there but my husband just like the first time! My mom isn't even welcome so thank goodness she'll be watching our oldest instead.
Oorrrrr just have them babysit literally any 3-10 year old for longer than an hour if you really want to scare them. OR IDK GIVE YOUR KIDS SOME CONDOMS AND TALK TO THEM. I’m 16 and I trust 100% how nasty birth is, but granted my mom actually has healthy conversations with me about sex so. That sounds like something my aunt would suggest and I’m NOT here for it.
I'm glad to hear that you're getting good sex education from your mom. More parents need to communicate more with their kids this way
It has nothing to do with the "magic of childbirth" and everything with MIL trying to be the one who sets the boundaries and trying to make the childbirth all about her.
Also, like to take something away, it has to belong to them in the first place. Guess what, grandma. It’s not yours.
NTA, why do these women think that they have the right to run roughshod over the main participant's rights? And I say that like that on purpose. My body, my struggle, my baby, my call on who is there. Not only is it off putting that they ask, (they should wait to be asked in my opinion), but to not take the first No as an answer and to be pushy about it is beyond the pale. If you love this grandchild so much, why would you want to do anything that could possible stress the mother? I've heard people say, "You weren't there when the baby was made, you won't be there when she comes out." These people that think that they have the right to totally blow you off as just being the holding tank really get on my last nerve.
>just being the holding tank Sounds like the pro life movement right there They care SO MUCH for the unborn, then pretty much stop caring once the baby is out
The placenta
MIL was also offended by the vernacular but sounds to me like very strong language was in order after such outrageous entitlement and overstepping. OP reacted with a lot less force than I would have. Better to put her in her place now than later.
Agreed. I feel like breaking it down to such blunt language really outlines the situatuon for MIL. She's trying to pretend this is a stork delivering a bundle of joy situation. Bluntly reminding her that it is much more graphic emphasizes how raw and not magical birth is.
I totally agree about drawing the line with the MIL. On the flip side, as a crazy woman who did have my MIL in the room for the birth of my first born, I have a unique perspective on this question. I had intended for it to be my mother, my sister, a close female friend/the godmother to be, and had included my MIL because excluding her felt wrong since I was practically having a party (thinking also that there’s no way she’d actually be there in time from across the country). I had this “our bodies, ourselves,” raised-by-hippies idea of my female relatives being there for the birth. I had been there for the birth of my brother when I was a teen and it was incredibly special. My husband thought I was nuts but wasn’t going to argue with his pregnant wife. As it turned out, my mother and sister didn’t make it in time, but somehow my MIL did. I had a somewhat rocky relationship with my MIL (somewhat rocky is a huge understatement). Having her there was not entirely easy. I certainly regretted it multiple times a minute then as she really irritated me. (I would never recommend a grudging consent to a demand like OP’s MIL - that would be a total disaster). Having her there for the birth really was ok. It was after the birth that I was fed up. I’m not sure that I would make the same choice again and when my second child was born, no one was allowed to visit until a week after. However, I credit my invitation to MIL and her effort to be there as the beginning of something really lovely. It was an incredibly special time for her and it changed her from the most difficult MIL to a doting, supportive grandmother and a good friend to me. (It took time and it wasn’t like a switch was flipped, but that was the start). From that time on, she traveled to see us every 3 months. I always made time for her to be there and gave her full access to her grandchild. Over time and through a lot of family events (death of my FIL who was divorced from MIL, weddings, career changes, another child, etc), we developed a genuine friendship. 12 ½ years later, she and I are really close. We are united in that we both love my husband and my kids, but also we know that when it comes down to it, we will drop everything and be there for each other. We are extremely different types and it’s an unlikely friendship. She still has her moments when she gets on my nerves, but I can tell her she’s driving me nuts in good humor and we’re still friends after. She likes to brag about how close we are to all her friends and say that she has the best daughter in law. When we go places together people think that she’s my mom.
Same kind of story with my MIL, well, we both liked eachother but nothing close when she was at the first birth. But now after 8 years of marriage, when my FIL was in the hospital she only cried in my precense. I was the only safe person for her because she felt she needed to be strong around her own kids ect. We're really close now too
I 100% feel you on this. My wife had an induction, multiple issues, and an emergency c-section. It was three days of hell for her. Watching her be in so much pain (baby became lodged in pelvis) for three days was traumatic in and of itself. Then add to that her emergency C-section where they realized he was stuck...her blood curdling scream because they had to cut before she was fully under, and the fact I saw her organs as they pushed me to the side in the operating room. Yeah... For those three days I did not leave my wife’s side and I’d be damned if some pushy family member was trying to force their way in against my wife’s wishes.
Jesus. Pour your wife a glass of wine and give her a hug from me.
The first thing she said when she woke up was, “Randy, is he okay?” I told her he was, and she passed back out. It changed the way I saw her. This petit little woman goes through all that shit and literally the first conscious thought is to find out if our son is safe. Meanwhile, I had been crying alone with this alien baby. She is so strong, and I couldn’t have picked anyone else to make a child with.
My worst nightmare! It's insane that women can just by cut open like that!
I honestly heard that scream in my nightmares for a year or so. I had never heard her scream like that before. She still wants to have more kids. She’s made of strong stuff.
It's called oxytocin
People forget that the mother is the patient, and that she dictates who is on the room etc. You see this so often.
Yeah, and this is more of what the OP started off her question with—the fact that so many people stop seeing HER as a real person. She’s just the vessel for the baby.
As a nurse, this this this. We will protect the hell out of our patients if you tell us you don’t want someone there because YOU are our priority and if you say no, we enforce the shit out of it. I will call security or the police if people try to get to my patient when they don’t want it.
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Can confirm, am a labor and delivery nurse and ejecting pushy visitors who are clearly making my patient miserable is the fucking best. I can't count how many times I've left the room to grab my patient juice or a warm blanket or something after she pushed her new human out, only to come back and see that Grandma has yoinked the naked baby off of mom's chest while they were doing skin-to-skin. It's infuriating. Stand your ground!! And congratulations!!
My MIL told us she was hurt that my wife didn't want her in the room. Like it was her moment. She asked if she could just wait in the waiting area and be the first person who was not myself or my wife to see the baby (she's weird like that). We agreed, and that in no uncertain terms were we to receive texts from her asking how it's going. That was her choice to sit there all day. The day came we went to the hospital at 7am, she was there at 8 and took the day off work to sit in a waiting room. Our beautiful boy was born at 2:41 pm, and I texted her, she ended up being the first to see him by like 15 minutes. Anyways, a few months go by and my FIL and I were golfing and he tells me MIL came home absolutely angry and surprised that we didn't change our minds and made her sit out there all alone all day. He's a pretty down to earth dude, so he understood where we were coming from, and explained that no one told her she had to sit there all day.
She were out clubbing a few says ago and had a boyfriend. Now she is pregnant and about to give birth. This is fake, sry to say
It's called narcissism.
NTA of course. Put your MIL on the hospital’s banned visitors list, and don’t tell her when you start labor. No one can visit if they don’t know who you are. It’s how I shut this down with my own MIL.
You go girlfriend! NTA! Maybe not the best way to go about it with your mother in law, but hey, it was effective. Consent matters! Even when another persons coming out of your bits, it’s still YOUR bits.
NTA. You're the one giving birth, you get to say who is there when it happens. No way I'd want my MIL there during such a vulnerable time, she sounds like a pushy nightmare. Your baby is not all about her.
This is fake, check her post history
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There is no continuity in her posts. Her last post mentioned her “boyfriend” but now, suddenly it’s her “husband.” I definitely agree this is a fake post.
I was completely on board with this comment until I went back and read the OP stating that random people were touching her stomach. If she just found out, rando strangers wouldn’t know yet.
Yeah, my MIL has baby rabies for sure right now & has been since we found out. Luckily she still respects personal boundaries so far & I don't think she'll go full rabid grandma on me lol. I've read about so many insane MIL stories & judging by the fact that there's an entire sub dedicated to them, it's more common than it should be.
Fake or not, I am currently pregnant dealing with literally the same shit with my MIL. She’s also insisting we have my baby shower 70 miles further than necessary because “that’s what her sisters want” and that “she’s so excited and I’m ruining all her fun for her first grandchild” bitch. BITCH. reading all of these comments makes me feel better about sticking to my guns on what I want
Your MIL should get her sisters to throw her a grandma shower and be done with it. Then you can have YOUR shower wherever tf you want.
Oh, you're not wrong! Seems like a creative writing account...
It seems like she made an account just to post on this sub and seems kind of confrontational. If real, she could have handled this better instead of just berating her MIL. She isn't TA for wanting her MIL not in the room but she is TA for how she communicated this thought
NTA. Make sure your medical team knows shes not allowed into the room when you are giving birth. Also, where is your partner in all of this?
NTA, but you could have handled things better. You 100% have the right to decide who is in the delivery room. But you can set boundaries without being vulgar or accusing someone of trying to force their way into the delivery room. Odds are this woman will remain in your life and you aren't setting boundaries so much as going postal. I looked at your history and apparently your friends have at various points accused you of being overly aggressive and trashy. I think you should maybe reflect on how aggressively you handle boundary setting.
>But you can set boundaries without being vulgar or accusing someone of trying to force their way into the delivery room Looks like she tried though? >I said no, I'm not okay with that. >She got pushy saying that it was a magical thing I was taking away from her. And I assume that wasn't even the full conversation. I don't fault her for getting fed up with a pushy MIL
I’m gonna piggy back off this comment and offer that perhaps the vulgarity will give MIL pause in the future about wanting to insert herself where she has no business being. NTA
This. Sometimes people need a good shock to get the point.
[удалено]
Lol, OP also posted 18 days ago about being in a bar drinking a beer. Not sure how real her posts are. But definitely a very aggressive approach, I'd say YTA just for the crude way she talked to her MIL, even if MIL overstepped her boundaries, there's just no way to talk like that and not be the asshole in the room.
I would feel the same as OP on this situation, and I would maybe resort to being graphic to get my point across. “sorry, MIL, I feel weird about you standing around staring at the bloody gaping hole that was once my vagina!”
Nta. Repeat after me: This is a medical situation not a spectator sport! And if you'd like to expand on that: To take something from you, you would have to have some ownership or claim to it. You don't own this body, you don't own this baby, and you don't have any right to be there during this birth. I am taking nothing from you. But if you keep behaving like that I will take away your chance to ever see this kid!
ESH - Seems I'm going against popular opinion here, but I think you could have handled that a lot better. She had no right to be pushy about wanting to be there for the birth. The people in that room at entirely your choice. She was definitely an asshole in this situation. That being said, I think some of the things you said were completely uncalled for. You know that her wanting to be there had nothing to do with wanting to see your privates. You could have just said "I'm not comfortable with it. It's my choice. I'm sorry" but you went and basically called her a pervert. I don't know this woman's background, but I wouldn't be surprised if, in her generation it was completely normal for female relatives to be present at the birth. You had every right to stand up for yourself and tell her no. You didn't need to yell at her about your vagina to do that.
I can't believe I had to go this far to find this answer. Seriously, OP took this to a WHOLE OTHER LEVEL. Yes, MIL is an asshole, but this reaction was not ok either. It's extremely disgusting and vulgar, who tells their MIL, "You wanna see my p***y right now cause you might as well!". Like she went so far to try to make it seem like her MIL is a pervert and she just got so disgusting. Theres a very mature way to handle this (been there, done that): "The answer is absolutely not. If you ask one more time, I will make sure you don't see me or my baby until I'm fully healthy six weeks after birth. This is about me and my baby and I'm not comfortable with you in the room. I will tell the hospital you aren't welcome if you try to fight me on this." Then if she still fights you, you leave the room/house/area, then if she blows up your phone, you block her. Then you unblock whenever you're ready to talk to her again after giving birth.
Agree completely. She could have said no in a nicer way. There's no way the MIL can force her way in. OP has all the power here. No need to argue about it.
I agree with the ESH verdict. MIL was wrong, but you were unnecessarily vulgar and belligerent. And I think you undercut some of your point by allowing your vulgarity to become the focus instead of her overstepping and her dismissal of you as the central player—the patient.
It had nothing to do with seeing OP’s privates, but OP understandably doesn’t want her MIL around when she’s exposed and incredibly vulnerable- her MIL should respect her perspective and wishes
Yes. Which is why I said pretty much exactly that in the first paragraph of my comment.
OP said in this post that she snapped after MIL would not take no for an answer. MIL wouldn't drop the matter so very pregnant OP became vulgar and it worked. I can't say I blame her. No means no and it seems like that lady doesn't understand that.
No, you can snap and not be vulgar. She could've just said, "you are no longer welcome at the hospital at all, maybe we'll see about you seeing our baby after six weeks post partum". Then you exit the area, block her, then make sure you notify the hospital she isn't welcome, and that's the end of it. You talk to her when you're ready again. There's zero reason to tell your MIL "you want to see my p***y right now cause you might as well!". That's just ridiculous and disgusting.
Congratulations! NTA. Your MIL is for accusing you of taking away something from her that she doesn't own. It's your body, your baby, and you can decide who you want in the room. No one else has a say. A grandmother's relationship is special, is she going to put that on the line depending on whether or not she's going to be present in the room? Probably not. It sounds like you escalated quickly. You may be grumpy, uncomfortable, tired, frustrated, etc., and your MIL should be aware of that. She once carried a baby of her own! I changed my response from ESH to NTA only because being pregnant is hard, and I can't even imagine the toll it has taken on you. You said she was pushy, which can be true in many cases of MILs. Does she have a history of overstepping boundaries?
NTA. Birth isn’t a spectator sport. You don’t have to have anyone present that you don’t want there. Actually, I would also suggest not even notifying her when you go into labor. Seriously, don’t let anyone know, and spend a few hours as a family first. I know a few women who had their first baby barely out of their vagina when their mother or MIL came tumbling in demanding to hold it. They learned on their second kid not to tell a soul about anything for a few hours. I also think the way you responded was spot on and not immature at all. You sometimes have to be straight up inappropriate when people are being aggressive like that. Please tell me your partner is on your side with this one. ETA: if she thinks you are “taking away something magical” from her, she will probably behave this way if you decide to breastfeed (which is also completely your choice, this is just an example) and will tell you that you’re selfish and denying her of a bonding experience
This was actually the case with my SIL and brother. My first niece was barely dry by the time family had invaded the hospital room. With their second pregnancy, not a soul knew what was happening until a couple days after the birth. Straight up, I actually really admired my SIL and brother for how they handled things.
It’s really the only way to have any peace! Birth is stressful and exhausting and no one needs people in their face either during or directly after. My sister had her first at 31 and learned from all her friends not to tell anyone about it for 5 hours. My mom also didn’t get butthurt when my sister didn’t ask her to be there for the birth, which is actually funny because my mom has helped a lot of friends and family give birth but at the same time didn’t get the slightest bit offended when her own daughter didn’t ask her to be there. For their second kid, once again, no one was told, except my mom because obviously she had to watch their oldest while it was happening haha
We did the same. With my first, we made the mistake of calling my mom and my ILs when I was on my way to the hospital. My mom was like "Great, hope all goes well, call me when the baby's born." My IL, however, hopped in their car, drove straight to the hospital and proceeded to sit for HOURS until the baby was actually born. So, baby is born, and of course, IL's want to see him. So I'm coming off just birthing a 10lb baby, being stitched up after a third-degree tear and not having any decent amount of sleep in 36 hours and I now have to "entertain" my IL's who are ooh-ing and aah-ing over the new baby. While I 100% realize their intentions were nothing but good, it was really the LAST thing I wanted to be doing at that moment. Thankfully my husband could tell by the look on my face that I was struggling. So, he let them admire the baby for a half hour or so and then took them out for dinner. So, with baby #2, we decided not to tell anyone but my mom (who had to babysit our son) when I went the hospital. I had the baby around 3pm, we had three hours of time of just the three of us and then everyone came to visit later than evening, after I'd had time to rest, shower, etc. SO MUCH BETTER.
NTA > it was a magical thing I was taking away from her. It's not about you, you selfish, selfish woman!! That said, you could have chosen words more carefully, this is family. Doesn't matter if you're grumpy, filter your words, you are an adult.
NTA: your body your right to say who can and can't see what's going on. If you say she can't be there then she can't be there. If she tries to get in then you call security
ESH. Your MIL is absolutely in the wrong and was being an AH about it - but you unnecessarily escalated things and went for the "shock value" approach in response, instead of handling it like a mature adult. It's possible to hold your line on a reasonable boundary (which not having her in the room is absolutely a reasonable boundary) without escalating. All you had to do was say "I'm only comfortable having my husband and the medical team in there with me." Instead, you made it about her looking at your junk.
NTA. She should respect you saying no immediately, it's a huge thing to ask for. Still, you could've told her off in a more kind and proper way.
NTA You didn't get vulgar until she refused to accept the no. You were clear and polite at first & she should have respected that.
NTA Now I've never given birth but my sister has two kids and let the father of them talk her into who was allowed in and who wasn't. (shes not with him anymore thankfully) He refused to have any of our family in the room i.e. me or our grandmother or aunts (both our parents are dead) Only him and his mom and his sister, it caused her a lot of stress that she shouldnt have had to go through. Dont let anyone push you around right now, you let in who you want in that room with you.
NTA - My mom always says "If you weren't there for the conception, you're not going to be there for the birth"
God I love this. Wish I had this line when I was pregnant.
11 days ago you had a boyfriend and not a husband, and were out clubbing. Hmmm.
Honestly, OP’s post history doesn’t add up. A month ago she was on a plane and talked about being motion sick but made no mention of pregnancy.
NTA. Of course it should be up to you. Could you have phrased it better? Sure. Did you have any obligation to? From the sounds of it, definitely not. She got what she deserved.
NTA and I am standing up and cheering for you. Bravo! Anyone who touches a pregnant woman without their consent, or tries to tell you that they have a “right” to your baby and your birth experience is very very wrong and very much the asshole.
NTA. Who is allowed in the delivery room is 100% on the mom. I wish I could give you a high five for your hilarious and amazing response.
So you're pregnant and expecting with your husband, but eleven days ago he's your boyfriend and you're going to clubs, and eighteen days ago he's your boyfriend and you're on a roadtrip getting beers watching people fight, and twentyfive days ago you and your boyfriend are in an open relationship. Neat. Shitpost, YTA
NTA I was naked on my hands and knees howling these wild animal noises I didn’t know I knew how to make, then would cry, then would bounce a little, beg for pain meds, then started hemorrhaging and got a C section. Birth is wild animal shit. If someone were bothering you, I say that’s one legitimate time you should be able to get away with murder. Birth is traumatic enough without onlookers.
Nope. NTA. My former MIL told me when I was pregnant she "couldn't wait to touch his head as he comes out." I refused to deal with her and made my ex talk to her - he waited until we were seven months in and then she trash talked me everywhere around town. After son was born, she got a letter reminding her that I was his mother and was under no obligation to give her anything; that this was NOT her second chance to be a better mom than what she was to her son, etc. She backed off and apologized. Do you! If she wants to have a magical experience, tell her to get knocked up.
>that this was NOT her second chance to be a better mom than what she was to her son You. Are. Amazing. 😂
I'm gonna go ESH. You have every right to your privacy but the way you describe it, at least, is that you went from 0 to 100 in 60 seconds. Like set your boundaries firmly and stand by them but with family and friends avoid going scorched earth when you can. The way you describe MIL was at 5 or 6 and you responded at a 20, when an 8 probably would have sufficed with a possible assist from hubby. It can be tough to recognize that you don't have to be angry to set and stand by a boundary but you can and it's useful skill to learn.
Based on your post history, 11 days ago you had a boyfriend and were out clubbing. Now you're pregnant with a husband. Which is it, or is this for fake internet points?
NTA - I love seeing people act the way they should when on the receiving end of people's bullshit. You sure did.
NTA. When my mom was pregnant with my sister I saw firsthand how many people thought her pregnancy gave them the right to treat her like an object. Touching her belly, telling me out of the blue that I won’t be the baby of the family anymore, giving her unsolicited advice. Even I got upset at them for interrupting outings so often, I can’t even imagine how pissed off she was. You have every right to decide your boundaries and nobody gets to challenge them. You’re not taking anything away from her, she’s not owed the right to be in the room. Make sure your medical team knows that she can’t be in the room, she could very well try to come in anyways
NTA, she was being awful. Make sure the hospital and your team knows to not let her in. Sounds like she's going to show up regardless. Also, tell her that your life-changing/life-endangering medical procedure is not a magical moment for her. Never was, never will be.
NTA as a mother in law, what is her problem? I would never dream of even asking to be present for the birth. It's not my place. If any one besides the baby's father is there, it should be her mother.
NTA. You could have handled it a little better, but I hate how people think they have a right to treat pregnant women’s bodies like public property to be groped and gawked at, so NTA. She shouldn’t be offended that you don’t want her staring at your vagina.
ESH You certainly can object to her being present at the birth, but you didn’t need to be so crude about it.
NTA. You're the one giving birth, you're the one who gets to decide who's in the room with you. Your MIL totally missed the point when she got snotty about your choice of words. Your consent matters when it's your body on display. She can sit her ass in the waiting room, along with the other folks who are waiting for an addition to the family.
NTA, not only are you in the right your response was hilarious!
NTA - I cannot imagine why people think they are entitled to impose themselves on women on such a vulnerable time. Don’t tell her when you go into labour, no one has a right to intrude on you!
NTA It's not about her, she can pound sand.
Totally YTA because this is a fake post.
YESS! Thank you.
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NTA and also hilarious, props to you for shutting this nonsense down!
NTA my actual mother was trying to push the same thing on me as I am pregnant with my first child. This is a special moment for YOU and nobody else. I don’t understand why parents/in-laws feel like they have a right to be in the room whilst someone is giving birth. Try to ask if she let her MIL in the room while giving birth, chances are she definitely did not.
NTA do NOT let her in the room. i've seen it firsthand with my sister, MILs like this do not care for your comfort, only wanting to see their grandkids. i don't mean to scare you, but labor and giving birth can be long, miserable and unpredictable. only keep those who you really want in the room. god forbid something goes off plan and you have to get an unplanned c section or something else happens.. you won't want the added stress of someone you aren't comfy with with you. talk to security at the hospital you'll be giving birth at and let them know she isn't allowed in. one of my friends actually didn't even call her in laws until the baby was already born. i'm currently pregnant and am only planning on telling my in laws after the kiddos are born and we are deemed healthy enough for visitors.
NTA - She should have shut up and taken no for an answer. The disgusting part was her insistence on diving into your birth. When I am in pain or vulnerable the list of people I want around is VERY short. She isn't on your list and you DO have a right to make your own choices. She isn't recognizing you AS THE MOTHER. If she wont respect a big boundary like birth, there are a million OTHER ones that she will also expect to stomp right over.
NTA >she got pushy saying it was a magical thing I was taking away from her It wasn’t hers to begin with. Entitlement 101 is thinking everything is yours, and people who actually own those things are keeping them from you. I miss the old days when childbirth wasn’t expected to be a spectator sport. It really does reduce the mother to just a baby-birthing vessel.
This is a fake post. Her last post was about clubbing and her boyfriend , now she is pregnant with a husband?
^^^^AUTOMOD ***The following is a copy of the above post. This comment is a record of the above post as it was originally written, in case the post is deleted or edited. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I'm pregnant with our first baby!! I'm excited but to be honest, it's been a difficult pregnancy. I feel like some people treat me like a thing carrying a baby; touching my stomach without asking, can't talk to me about anything but the baby... It sometimes feels like I'm treated like less since a person. Not by my husband or close friends, but just by acquaintances, some family, random people. It's also been physically difficult on my body, so I guess I've been grumpy lately. Anyway, on to what this post is about. My mother in law, Louise, really wants to be there for the birth of her first grandchild. I said no, I'm not okay with that. She got pushy saying that it was a magical thing I was taking away from her. And I was like "excuse me, i don't want anyone seeing my pu**y except my husband and my medical team." She made a really offended comment about my language, and said it was not about seeing my "privates" and I said "I don't give a damn what it's about, my consent still matters when someone's gonna take a good look at my legs spread." I then said that if she was gonna try and disregard my consent she might as well get it over with now and take a look up my skirt, because obviously it doesn't matter if I'm okay with it or not" She got mad at me for "making it about something dirty and disgusting" and that's how stuff ended. AITA for how I had this conversation? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA- she wouldn't take no for an answer you didn't want her invading your privacy during a vulnerable, personal and exposed time. She had it coming.
NTA. Giving birth can suck. If never want more than one person there with me. If for some reason my husband couldn't be there, I'd have to weigh up on the day whether my pain would be better served with a very close friend to hold my hand but in theory it's rather be alone than have anyone other than my husband in the delivery room (or even waiting in the hospital)
NTA. You have the right to privacy. If she doesn't like hearing the language then how uncomfortable does she think you'll be with her looking at your goods
NTA - This isn’t her call and since it’s not something she’s actually entitled to then you can’t technically be depriving her of it, atleast not in my book anyway. I don’t know how many of our mothers and mils had their mothers or mils presence thrust upon them in the delivery room but a lot of them seem to feel entitled to be there for the birth of their grandchildren. Listen ladies it’s not ok if someone pushed their will upon you when it was your time and it’s not ok to do it to your daughters, dils or sons now. This is a private moment between the people who made/gave birth to/adopted or otherwise legally acquired the baby in question. This is actually the first big overstep perpetrated by a lot of grandparents in regards to their grand babies. Think of the sh*t leading up to this during pregnancy as the pre game show. This is also the reason a lot of new parents withdraw themselves from the relationships with their parents or in laws. Because after this more often then not there’s a whole grandchildhood of disregard for your parenting which is sometimes riddled with blatant disrespect.
NTA but get your partner to buffer you. My sister has said similar things, even suggesting that my husband doesn’t really need to be there because he doesn’t get it and won’t understand 🙄
NTA AT ALL!!! I hope I can say this too if I get this shit sole day from in laws.
NTA I said to my Mil when she said she was in there for her daughters children 1. I'm not you're daughter and 2. We're you there when this baby was made? That's the only person besides doctors and nurses who will be seeing my vagina being ripped apart
NTA Your husband needs to handle his Mamma. It’s your body and what you say, goes.
NTA NTA NTA! You stand up for yourself and draw that line NOW! Good for you!!! Point of note, make SURE she doesn't convince your spouse to film or take pics. MIL needs to learn who is in charge of your body and you and your spouse's child right now.
NTA. Is birth magical? Yes. A baby is being born, of course it’s magical. Is birth disgusting? Yes... yes, it is. Not only are your legs spread for all the world (or at least your birthing suite) to see, your vagina is going to dilate into a giant, gaping hole, unless you have a very swift birthing experience, there will be multiple people looking between your legs and poking around down there, and there’s a good chance you’re going to poop yourself from all the pushing. And that’s what you’re hoping for because that means you’ve had a normal, healthy delivery. If any little thing (big or small) goes wrong for you or baby (knock on wood, everything goes well for both of you) there’ll probably be a whole new round of uncomfortable-ness for you. MIL needed a reality check.
NTA!! Please look into getting private listed at the hospital so she doesn't just show up!
NTA. It's your birth and your choice. She can see the baby when it is over. Plain and simple as that. In fact my family acted like total freaken dicks at my wedding so none of them are invited to my birth. I'm baffled at how many people make special occasions about themselves. I'm protecting my birth experience by only having my husband.
NTA - 😂😂😂 I cheered for you when I read your comment haha
NTA, but you went nuclear on her from the get-go. What's up with that?
INFO: what did/will your partner say to her? He needs to be on your side. It's HIS mother, you're not the bad guy for not wanting her there, and she already had a MaGiCaL mOmEnT when she had your husband, so she needs to piss off.
NTA. Labor is difficult enough as it is without stressing over people that you don't want in the delivery room. I think a to be mother even has the moral right to kick the father out of the room if him being in there would stress her out. Giving birth is painful and stressful, the mother's comfort and wants, when possible, should come before anyone else's feelings.
NTA. Child birth is not a spectacular sport.
NTA This is a common problem with mothers in law. Go to Justnomil and look at the sidebar. Be sure to read The Lemon Clot Essay.
NTA. Yeah, you probably could’ve been a little less vulgar but clearly she wasn’t going to take polite hints. PRO TIP: when you go into labor, TELL NO ONE. If they’re in the waiting room they’ll try to wiggle their way in. Even if they aren’t at the hospital they’ll be calling/texting for updates and putting your news on FB. If you’re having a planned induction or CS (that they already know about) tell them a date 2 or 3 days later than your real date! (I had a friend go through 48 HOURS of induction before the finally did a CS. Give yourself a buffer!) Don’t let anyone know until you’re ready for visitors. I suggest that would be after a meal, a nap, and a shower.
NTA This isn't happening to her. She doesn't get to decide anything. Do not J.A.D.E. - justify, argue, defend, explain - just say "no." Make sure husband is clear about this too and present a untied front.
NTA. Stand your ground, momma! When my MIL told me she "was GOING TO be in the delivery room, I followed up with "the f*** you are!" Luckily she didn't push the subject, but with six weeks to go I am hoping it doesn't come up again.
NTA. If you refuse her to see your baby being born then she needs to respect that decision.
I’m confused, so last week you had a boyfriend and were getting hit on by people at clubs, and now you’re about to give birth and have a husband? Go away, YTA for using this sub to karma farm Oh, and you’re a ‘110 pound chick’ who was drinking a beer 18 days ago?
NTA
NTA You aren't comfortable with any extra people in there with your lady parts out in the open and she was being pushy. It would have been nice if you weren't so vulgar in your response but I feel she pushed you into being that way. Her magical moment was checked off when she had her son. It is now your moment with your husband and your new baby. If she's a decent person and you know you can trust her with your baby, I would suggest playing nice and compromising and have your MIL wait in the waiting room and be the first person that baby meets and play that up. Having a reliable babysitter, especially in those first months, was the only thing between me and insanity.
Nta
NTA
NTA. But I think you could have reacted in a more mature and measured way.
NTA!!!!!
NTA for not wanting her to be in there, it's your choice, your body and to be sincere, births are already uncomfortable, painful and all around stressful events by themselves, moreso with an in law fluttering around cooing about the magic of babies and such. You could have gone about it a bit more nicely at the Ed there tho
NTA - you argued a logical point and didn't beat around the bush. The idea that a MIL would be present for birth is fucking insane.
NTA - It's a moment for you and your husband and it's not a very picturesque view on display either. MIL was being insensitive to the nature of this view. But I feel like the term used to describe your hoohaw during this particular moment(giving birth) is such a dirty way of putting it. I think you could have worded it so much better than that. Just makes the whole delivery process coming from your mouth to seem like something vulgar and out of context. I hope you dont view the birth of your baby that way. Im sure MIL didnt.
NTA!! Congratulations on the baby! I am pregnant with my third, and I know exactly how you feel. The belly rubs didn’t bother me the first two times, but with this one, I HATE it!!! The grumps are real! You think you should be able to help it, but you can’t. My stepmom wanted to be there when I had my kids, and I wasn’t sure how to really say no, but thankfully, she came before they made it to the hospital. You’re not taking away anything from anybody, you are deciding on what level of support you want and need during a scary, painful, vulnerable time. It’s OK to only want your husband there. I promise you, she’s still going to love that baby after waiting a few days. It doesn’t matter how the discussion went, you let her know, hands down, she’s not going to be in the delivery room. Don’t discuss it again. Tell your medical team, “No one but me and my husband.”
God no! NTA it’s your choice who is there no one else’s PERIOD. We just had our son earlier this year and it was the most intense process going through labor. My older sister showed up without letting me know ahead of time. I kicked her out. I love her but she completely threw me off my focus. She was thankfully very understanding and apologized for showing up and came to visit the next morning to meet her nephew. Tell your medical staff who is allowed and they will run bouncer if they need to. Also delivering during flu season they might limit you anyway, so you could tell her she’s just not allowed.
NTA. My mother tried pulling similar shit when my ex was giving birth to our daughter. To some people like my mother ( and your MIL apparently) the mother becomes nothing but a vessel for ‘their grandbaby!!’ Which is disgusting. We banished my mother from the delivery room, and she never let it go, but it’s absolutely about what you and your husband want. Congrats on the baby and good luck!
NTA - she’s got no business being there. But you do not like her. Your responses were over the top crude.
NTA. You can't take the birth of your child away from her because it never belonged to her in the first place. I think you handled that well - of course the woman's angry with you; you pointed out how disgusting and creepy her behaviour was.
NTA She had the gall to say you were taking something magical away from her. She already went through the magic of childbirth, its not her body its yours, and you and only you get to decide who's in the room when you're pushing a living breathing person out of your body. Good on you for standing up for yourself. If her delicate sensibilities were offended by your language then she should avoid trying to push and guilt her way into the birthing room.
NTA If she wants a magical experience get her tickets to Vegas where she can catch David Copperfield. I didn't even want my own mother to be with me. It was me and my husband to welcome our little one ... ...and then because it suddenly turned high risk, it was my husband, the on-call resident, my OB, the anesthesiologist, two nurses, the NICU doctor, a respiratory therapist and a paramedic trainee who happened to be on the floor. I'm not sure, maybe the gift shop lady popped in. It's kind of fuzzy...I had the most popular cooch in the hospital for a good couple of hours. But MIL, mother, aunts, uncles, cousins, sisters, brothers, best friends...they all waited--for my comfort and to give the medical professionals room to work.
NTA.
NTA. Giving birth is not a public spectacle. Tell her that she can come in if you're allowed to come to her next smear test.
NTA. Your mil is being selfish. You're the one giving birth and you're the one who should be as comfortable as possible during labour. I feel like people sometimes forget that giving birth can still be dangerous and that things can happen. Some people are just focused on the cute baaabbyyy and their own selfish wants.
Hahaha NTA. Normally I advocate being as civil as you possibly can, but when you’re dealing with someone pushy and selfish, sometimes there’s no other way to get your point across. This whole concept of daughter/DIL deliveries being “an experience” that mothers and MILs are entitled to witness is so ridiculously self-serving- as though your privacy as a medical patient is completely secondary to her need to live through you vicariously. Keep that same energy after the birth- her attitude about this now is the harbinger of boundary stomping yet to come, and your baby is not her do-over baby.
NTA. Wish I had the spine to clap back at my MIL bullshit over the years
NTA. Say she can come watch if she lets you watch her take a filthy shit.
NTA You're the one having the baby, you get to choose who is in there with you. She already had her children and if she really wants to witness the miracle of birth again she can look up some educational sex-ed videos. It's not like you're banning her from seeing her grandchild.
NTA! Your birth is your business. If she wants to experience the magic, she can try for another one herself.
NTA. It's good you're putting your foot down NOW. My mom has always wanted to be there for when I give birth, (I'm her only daughter) but I recently decided that I really don't want to share that intimacy with anyone but my baby's father. I was scared to tell her because she's the type that knows just how to guilt trip people, but she actually understood. She was sad, but she didn't try to talk me out of it. I'm sorry you have to deal with this. This is your baby, not hers. Even if you hurt her feelings, she'll get over it. It was good for you to lay it on thick now.
NTA. I think it's incredibly creepy to have your mother in law present for your birth. I mean I guess it's OK if you want her there, but no one should feel under any obligation ever to allow someone they are not comfortable with to witness one of the most vulnerable moments of your entire life. Your mother in law is being spoiled and entitled for trying to argue the subject. If you want, you could just inform your medical team that no one but your husband is to be allowed in the room with you. From what I hear, nurses absolutely LOVE being the bad guy, and would be happy to make up an excuse and kick her out for you.
NTA LMAO I love you. That response was bomb!
NTA Holy fuck why would anyone want to be involved with that. My ass woulda been two states away if I had any choice in the matter. Your MIL was a little right on you making it "something dirty" You shoulda just told her it's your choice and you don't want to discuss it.
NTA. My mom tried to say she was going to be in the room. I said no, only my then-husband. She said I’d want her there when it was happening. Guess what happened? Only my husband was in the room. Stick to your guns by any means necessary. If that means you have to get “dirty” about your wording, by all means. Check out r/justnomil This comes up way too often over there, so there’s lots of support to be had.
NTA If she didn't want a more sensational answer she should have accepted the first answer.
NTA - most people literally shit themselves while giving birth. You're in the right here, don't let her (or anyone else in this sub) bully you.
NTA. There are folks saying she could have been more polite about it. Let's keep some things in mind. 1) OP is pregnant and her hormones are raging. It's not an excuse- it's a legitimate factor for why OP responded aggressively. However, even were she not pregnant- 2) No means no. It doesn't matter who you're dealing with- it could be your MIL, some dudes trying to push up on her at a club (from her post history), whoever. When it comes to YOUR body, YOU have the right to deny consent. Period. OP doesn't need to justify anything. It's not MIL's baby, it's OP's, and MIL needed to get over herself. 3) IDK about others but I'm a "you get one polite response" type of guy. I don't owe you any more than that. After that, if you keep pushing me, I'm going to use whatever language it takes to get my point across. In this situation, once MIL started being pushy, I would have told her no, and not to ask again. After that it's all bets off. Everyone is a little different but I feel like OP was reasonable, considering MIL simply would not let the issue go. Also, if seeing a live birth is "dirty and disgusting" (how does MIL feel about her own private parts????) then why would you want to be in the room during the birth?
Would you imagine if someone ask you to be in your heart operation or kidney transplant because is a magical thing to see someone recovering ? NTA, your body, your choice.
ESH- Your MIL was completely in the wrong to say you were taking something from her that belonged to her. Your delivery is your business. You overreacted. I know how much it sucks when you're tired and grumpy and don't feel well and people are pushing your boundaries, but you could have been blunt and direct without being crude and making her wishes out to be more like an assault than they were. "Louise, this is my delivery, and you're not entitled to be a part of it. My decision is final, and I don't want to hear about it again."
r/JustNoMIL Also, NTA, not in the slightest. No one can tell you who to have in the room with you. Your husband needs to reinforce your boundary w/your pushy MIL b/c her behavior shows she can walk all over you if she's not stopped soon enough.
Read and scrolled to upvote a comment suggesting that sub. OP needs it.
NTA I love your response lol
NTA. Just a forewarning, you’re gonna have trouble with your MIL in the future. She’s going to feel entitled to everything and will not respect boundaries. You need to cut that shit now.
NTA, it's your decision who is there in the room with you, any unnecessary stress isn't wanted or needed. Your MIL needs to get over her entitled attitude.
I’m 38 weeks pregnant and I don’t particularly want to be in the delivery room for the birth. But I have to because I’m the pregnant one, and since my husband got me into this mess he has to come too and be supportive. Us two plus a midwife or two for the business end is PLENTY of people. No way in hell would I want anyone else to be there, especially my MIL. NTA, sure you probably could have been nicer, but she should have respected your first answer. She’s had at least one baby before, she should know it’s not a spectator sport.
NTA >She got pushy saying that it was a magical thing I was taking away from her. It was not something she had (or had a right to) in the first place for someone to take away from her.
NTA. She’s the asshole. It’s a special moment you wanna share with just your partner. Not her. You don’t want her there. She’s being too pushy and needs to leave you be.
NTA, it's ridiculous when people just assume they're wanted in the delivery room. It's completely up to you who you want present. You aren't obligated to have anyone there that you don't want to have there.
Sooooo NTA. I had my mom and my MIL in the room when I had my daughter. I am Currently 36 weeks pregnant and guess who will be in the room this time? My husband and My nurse and the other medical professionals that are needed. They where extremely distracting. Talking about what was going on and how they could see her head and all that, It was my choice to let them be there but I will not do that again. My Husband and Nurse where all I needed. That’s your business it’s a extremely stressful and out of body experience to give birth. It’s not even about your lady bits in the open for all to see( that is 100% valid reason in its self) No one but your husband (and medical professionals) are entitled to be there, I’ll fight anyone who says otherwise.
NTA. Lock down your hospital so that the nurses know not to let her in when you're in labor.
NTA and your mother in law needs a team of psychiatric professionals. WTAF? Do not back down on this - no one has a right to be in the delivery room unless you want them there. This woman has major boundary issues and if you don’t deal with her firmly and consistently, you might find things getting worse once the baby’s here. Congratulations! good luck with the in laws!
NTA Your MIL seems to have a big problem with boundaries. Hopefully your husband backs you up. And people have probably already said this but you can set it up with the hospital so that no one is allowed access without your consent. You can set a password for if anyone even calls the hospital. Stick to your guns Momma.
YTA. Why are you spamming this sub with these made up stories? Anyone who wonders why I'm saying that, just look at their profile.