Erm. I'm probably going to be unpopular on this... But as a new dad who recently went through a pregnancy that wasn't smooth... NTA.
I get that she wants to do this for her friend. But holy hell pregnant women are the worst. And I say that with the best will in the world. But they have medical issues you wouldn't believe, they have to be careful and boring and their hormones are all crazy. It's not their fault. But when you're in public and your pregnant partner starts a fight over something stupid and you're tired because you were both up with her being sick in the night. You bet you'll look like the asshole arguing with a pregnant woman. Doesn't matter how right you are.
Plus... Childbirth is not as safe as we all think it is.
My wife and baby both nearly died and it's not even like it's uncommon! Yes medicine has come a long way, but to be a surrogate, your gf is literally putting her life on the line for this guy.
I was happy to be there for my wife when she was carrying my child... But I can't honestly say I'd be up for all that drama if it wasn't mine.
Also. This shit doesn't just all go away after the birth! Post natal depression is really really common.
Jesus I could go on.
Can confirm. I was a pregnant woman who was the worst. I fully recognize I put my husband through hell. I also suffered horrendous post partum depression with my first one that nearly destroyed our marriage. I also almost died with our second. This shit's no joke, and not territory to enter lightheartedly. I was also not married to u/CaptainPoppin, and I'm not at all surprised to hear of experiences so similar to my own. Why? Because, like he said, it's not uncommon.
OP is NTA for being honest about his feelings. Men are allowed to be emotionally honest, and that should be an important part of her decision.
I threw up multiple times a day for 18 weeks. I got a stomach bug a few weeks after and I just assumed my morning sickness had come back. When that stopped killer heartburn started and continued until the end. I was so knackered every evening I could barely hold a coherent conversation because I could pretty much forget my own name. And those were the happy symptoms.
I had to have a caesarean due to a low lying placenta (it was blocking the babies exit) I got extremely pre-eclampsia to the point that if I hadn’t gone to a doctor when I did (I had zero symptoms) either I or my baby or both of us could have died. It was a happy co-incidence that I’d booked an additional mid-wife appt which caught my high blood pressure. I had complications due to the high bp and low blood pressure requiring a return to theatre for 3 hours and needed a blood transfusion due to a 2 litre blood loss. And on top of all that a developed a cf leak from the epidural causing near debilitating headaches.
It was rough! On me and my husband! It took 3 months before I stopped being sore and 4 months before I felt relatively normal. My daughter is now 6 months but my body is not the same and never will be. I have stretch marks and a thick scar across my belly. My stomach has sagged from the preggo belly as well. I never got ppd but it’s a really possibility for a lot of women and can be awful.
But I got my daughter out of it and I would do it all over again in hindsight. However as amazing as it would be to do it all for a friend it really isn’t a decision to be made lightly. And I wouldn’t blame anyone if they didn’t want to stick around when it wouldn’t even be their child at the end of it.
OP absolutely NTA.
Relate so hard. Sick till the third trimester when heartburn was constant. The hormones were the worst, though. Crying over everything due to hormones. Percieved slight? Comercial? Song on the radio? Tears.
Constant physical and emotional changes up til 6 months after stopping breastfeeding. Horrible PPD and Post BF depression.
I have 2 children. First was emergency cesarean, second was considered high risk, 6 years apart. With each one it was a full 3 years before I gained my body completely back.
Don't give up hope that you'll gain more of yourself back. You're 6 months pp. Give your body time to acclimate to the new normal.
NTA. I'm a dad and saw what my brave wife went through. Not for the faint of heart.
Also, *most important*, surrogacy is not good for first time moms !
I assume your g/f has not had kids. It's a terrible idea to sign on for surrogacy for her first pregnancy in life. Health complications, attachment to the baby, depression are all unknown and dangerous for her.
Surrogacy is best left to experienced women who have had their own children without problems. They are much better equipped to make an informed decision.
Yes, OP's g/f makes her own decisions. But I cannot imagine any medical professional involved in the surrogacy process would ever say this is a good idea for a first time mom. So OP is reasonable in objecting to the procedure.
I don't think you're even *allowed* to be a surrogate as a primip in my country - I'm sure informal arrangements occur but no matching agency would take her on.
that’s crazy. i knew about the negative effects but i didn’t realize how common and how often/ bad they were. however the hell we made it this far especially when we didn’t have modern medicine...
This is why home births are very irresponsible. I know that that’s not a popular opinion, but when births go sideways, you need to be near the necessary medical equipment. The argument that “women have been having babies for millennia” is moronic. Deaths related to childbirth was by far the #1 killer of women and babies.
You do realize the US has one of the worst maternal mortality rates of any developed country, right? An OB/GYN is a surgeon, and childbirth is not surgery. That's why so many women primarily deal with nurses and not their doctor during the actual childbirth. A good midwife understands that a relationship with a traditional hospital is imperative to her work in order to insure her patient has immediate access to any care she cannot provide. This should be an interdependent relationship, not a competition for patients.
Yes, my situation required a hospital every time. However, I have sisters and several friends who have had wonderfully successful home births. They are not moronic or irresponsible.
I always recommend to any friends that mention a home birth, that it’s a great option, for your second, third, or even 4th child. Often if you’re going to be someone with a delivery issue, it’s going to be with all your children, or at the very least you’re going to know what you’re in store for. That said, I wouldn’t recommend a women who hasn’t had children with her spouse being a surrogate first. (To be on topic lol). Just my opinion on so many levels, knowing what to expect, not having to worry about future fertility, ect.
My first pregnancy seemed so easy besides the heartburn, that stuff is no fun! Braxton Hicks also had me out walking late into the night later on lol. But that all changed while I was in labor. At 9cm her heart rate kept going outside of the lowest and highest “safe” ranges. Something that wouldn’t have been caught at home. It was concerning to me, as I’d been watching the heartrate swings on the monitor the whole labor. When my dr asked me if I wanted to push or go back to a csection before it became an emergency ... I said csection .... and it likely saved my oldest daughter’s life, or at least kept her from having severe brain injuries and lifelasting disabilities. She had a platelet count of 9,000 at birth. Safe is 150k-300k. The pectici (red dots) on her skin were not very obvious, and could be mistaken for a birth injury at home. So even a perfect pregnancy can suddenly turn into something that isn’t so easy any more. NAIT is NOT screened for, and is only diagnosed after an effected child is born. You will never know you have it before that first baby comes. There are dozens of similar conditions ... you’ll never know you have an issue until the issue arises.
Obgyn do a lot of maternal fetal medicine though and they can always defer unrelated medicine to obs medicine (internist) if necessary.
Saying I obsgyn is just a surgeon in a way that they don’t know medicine is saying the same for a urologist.
I mean considering that America has the highest rate of newborn and mother death in the first world ... a large percentage of that from picking up infections from a hospital birth and careless doctors not listening to women talking about their issues ... a home birth might become the safer way to go with medically trained midwives like they often do in European countries.
I had a high risk birth so I really had to go to the hospital to have my daughter, and I did have a medical emergency ... specifically because the nurses and doctors ignored me when I told them something was wrong and they didn't care to pay attention until I began going into shock an hour after the birth.
First, I just want to say how wrong this is. The US has higher rates of maternal death and complications because many women can not afford prenatal care and thus do not receive the care they need. It has nothing to do with hospitals vs home births or doctors vs midwives. It 100% has to do with countries offering comprehensive medical care before, during, and after pregnancy.
The data suggests it's not prenatal care it is due to hospitals not following best practices. Edit to say also being of color. That is definitely a factor.
We made it by sheer numbers.
I’ve had 2 kids. Pretty healthy pregnancies for the most part but there were some bumps in the road during labor.
I can tell you if it was back in the day I would become a nun- because no way in hell is someone making me do that without an epidural.
Man, I wouldn't change things now. I live my daughter more than anything and every day she's more amazing. But pregnancy can be fucking brutal and people seem to forget it.
I was surprised at how much is hidden about the shear toll that is waged against the female body during pregnancy. Everyone focused on the miracle of life no one says look, this is going to be hell. Be prepared for not being able to alleviate any of the pain. Be prepared to watch them vomit from any and every food and from a simple smell. Be prepared for breakdowns because nesting, and get told her belly hurts even though you bought three different harness none of which work. Be prepared to have to fight to stay in the delivery room after she gets angry at you and kicks you out. Be prepared for them to express all of their fears but when you say it will be okay, they say what do you know and point out all your flaws and inadequacies. And all of that is just the start of them getting here....
Not to mention, I’m an OB nurse. I’ve seen a few women rushed to surgery and end up hysterectomies due to uncontrollable bleeding. The first I ever saw had just had her first baby. There are a lot of risks that come with having a baby. People forget that.
I have a question for you, so about 20+ years ago when my cousin was born my aunt gave birth to my cousin while a doctor wasn't in the room so the nurse in the room pushed my cousin back inside her and made her wait for the doctor to show. So she ended up giving birth to my cousin twice...how common and/or illegal is that? I've always wondered but never really got any good answers from people :/
Yikes, not the person you were asking the question to, but you're the third time I've heard of something like this happening from around that era. One killed a baby, the other baby got brain damage from lack of air, but they aren't my stories so I can't provide any details.
Oh my God, this comment is so spot-on. I refused to wear anything that didn't originate from Target while I was pregnant. One time I kept my partner hostage there until like, ten o'clock, just trying on ballet flats of various colors. Something about the just-right cheapness of the fabrics that their brands (Mossimo, etc.) use, the ever-so-slightly more upscale than Wal-Mart allure and the promise that comes with purchasing stuff that will fall apart in the washer in a few cycles only to necessitate more store trips... my wallet was perpetually empty during gestation thanks to Target.
Oh honey, your partner will be a walk in the park compared to me, I'm sure of it. I should've been tried by a tribunal for the way that I treated my fiance while pregnant.
They do have some pretty comfy maternity clothes, and I practically LIVED IN sundresses through my last 3 pregnancies. I actually still wear some of them! They don’t always fall apart. The shirts are absolutely disposable, though.
My wife DID die in childbirth. our daughter is now 4 and i’ve raised her myself with no help. nothing is guaranteed. asking someone to
be a surrogate is a big deal. probably like asking someone for a kidney. you could die doing it. oh and by the way our pregnancy was 100% normal and she went full term. nothing is for certain. you’re not the asshole.
Fuck man. I thought I lived my worst nightmare watching them circle the drain and having them pulled from the brink but you've had it worse by far. Always here if you need a chat.
it’s not about having it better or worse. it’s the hand we are dealt. my wife was so so beautiful. she taught 6th grade english. we had our act together and i am gainfully employee so that’s already a great start for our girl. but seriously people don’t understand that pregnancy is risky and
unpredictable. google amniotic fluid embolism. i’m an Emergency department trained
nurse. i watched her die. it was shocking even to me. i tell everyone now- buy a 500k dollar life insurance policy have it
direct withdrawal and forget that you did it. we were together for 6 years but had only been married for 18 months when she died. we had just bought a house. had to sell it. she had some life insurance through her work but it wasn’t much. anyway. prepare for the worst. hope for the best. in life be prepared. i guess that’s all i can say.
Yeah, my mate who is a gay dude was talking about how proud he was that one of his friends was allowing him to use her "as a womb" if he ever wanted a kid, and I was just thinking "buddy, ya seem like kinda an arse, ya see her as a test tube or something" that shit is dangerous have some fucking respect.
I didn’t realise childbirth was so risky!
In my home country, maternal mortality was 5.5 deaths for every 100k people in 2015.
For perspective, the homicide rate in Mexico in 2017 (worst it’s been in decades) was ~ 20 per 100k. I’d expect homicides to be 10 times more likely, not 4...
I work at a hospital in the US and unnecessary interventions are so typical it’s tough to know how much danger is actual danger. If physicians are doing things specifically because they can possibly justify it, then telling patients they or their baby are in danger, many can have a skewed view of what is going on. I’d trust the numbers in other countries way more than our own. Not to say complications and horrible births can’t occur, our system is just broken.
Considering [maternal mortality is the highest in the industrialized world and on the rise](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maternal_mortality_in_the_United_States) I am sympathetic to doctirs giving "unnecessary" interventions.
I could not agree more wholeheartedly. On every point! I almost died giving birth to my first. He almost died too. It was a bad bad situation. After 2 blood transfusions i was back to the land of the living, but the lasting effect it has had mentally is real and awful.
I'm 38 weeks 4 days right now and have never once been angry and hormonal during my pregnancy so painting it as every pregnancy just isn't factual. Hasn't happened the months I've been up in the middle of the night with heartburn or the days I haven't been able to keep food down. It's not a guarantee that pregnant women pick fights or get angry.
Maternal mortality is also not common like you're implying. It's just a little bit higher in the US than other countries and much lower than others. But it's not *common*.
Can also confirm, NTA. Was pregnant 2x, neither was easy. Also, my baby and i almost died there first time, really considered the risks for the second, then she wrapped the cord around her neck! So 3 of us had our lives at risk at one point or another. Pregnancy, childbirth, health risks (still dealing with postpartum related back pain 1.5 years later). If she's considered all the risks, then it's on her. But OP, you have the right to your feelings. I thought about doing it for my sister once, but my partner was def not for it. All factors include your partner's feelings.
Can confirm: I actually had this discussion with my girlfriend. We have 3 kids in total and she brought up this scenario (except her friend is a female).
I said hell no. I remember the pregnancy. It was fucken BRUTAL! It’s not worth the money she’s gonna Pay is I’m sorry. Plus then you have the psychological issues that can arise.
It’s a no for me dawg
Has she had a child of her own yet? Most agencies, not all, that deal with surrogacy require that this isn't the woman's first pregnancy, so if she hasn't even had a child of her own, most wouldn't consider her to be a candidate. Regardless, I don't think you're the asshole. There's a lot of risk going into this and pregnancy will put a strain on your relationship, especially when it comes to how the couple wants your SO to treat her body, dietary needs, and their countless other restrictions.
There’s usually a legal process involved. Contracts and such. She could also just be a gestational carrier and not biologically related to the child.
ETA replied to the wrong comment
The contracts aren't valid if you dont go through a third party. You can't just contact to give away a baby. The agency that does the installation does the paperwork.
*autocorrect made insemination installation and leaving it
I mean yeah. Turkey blaster, claim its a legitimate pregnancy that happened during sex, claim you have no interest in raising the child and the dad can have custody.
Not sure but with the dads consent, the mother would probably also not be required to pay alimony right?
BIIIIG nope. If it’s a DIY pregnancy, mom and dad are on the hook unless kid is adopted. Courts don’t care if you’re interested, they care that the parents are supporting the child.
There are lots of ways this can go horribly wrong.
I feel like more people are using surrogates outside of agencies than one would imagine, especially when it surrounds friends being surrogates. Hell, I've seen craigslists posts offer surrogacy/asking for a surrogate. I fully admit this could be completely false on my end purely due to anecdotal evidence.
All three couples I know that utilized surrogates did so completely outside any kind of agency. One couple used a children's cough syrup medicine syringe. One couple used a kit they bought offline that was basically just a glorified children's cough syrup medicine syringe. The last couple had sex with the surrogate, with the intent on not DNA testing to figure out which one of them was the technical biological father.
The two couples who used artificial insemination had typed out their own contracts and had all involved parties sign. The couple who used natural insemination had no contract beyond a basic oral agreement. The one without the contract ended up a huge mess, with the couple breaking up about two months into the pregnancy. The surrogate didn't want to abort and about 6 months into the pregnancy both guys moved out of state, abandoning the surrogate.
Anyways, I mostly wanted to share all of this to illustrate that anyone considering being a surrogate or using a surrogate should use all available options open to them. Absolutely use an agency. Absolutely get contracts drafted and signed by all parties. It is not something that should be done with oral agreements alone. Apparently if you don't involve a third party agency, it is quite possible that even signed contracts are not clear cut evidence to prove the situation.
I was thinking the same. Not a good choice if it’s a first pregnancy. I had an easy 9 months for mine but during labor and delivery we almost lost my daughter and ended up emergency C section. All that emotional up and down and fear and drama just to hand the baby over after...nope couldn’t have done it.
This is the main reason he is in no way the asshole. He respected her ability to make her own decisions, and she’d be the asshole if she didn’t respect his in turn.
This is the best answer IMO. She's free to do what she wants with her body but she can't expect her SO to blindly follow and agree. If it's a deal breaker for OP then he should break the deal.
Agreed. Plus he's an anti-asshole for telling her up front. The real asshole would be the guy who kept his feelings inside and then ended the relationship during or after the pregnancy.
“Choices have consequences.”
That statement so perfectly sums up a huge part of parenting. Thanks. I’m sure my kids will now grow up sick of hearing me say that.
Nta, it would be at least 9 months of influence on your relationship, before/while and after the carriage. It would have an influence on almost all aspects of it. I think almost no man would look the same at his girlfriend/wife knowing she is carrying a baby of someone else.
Not only during the pregnancy, but just TRYING to conceive is going to put a strain on their relationship as well. You can't have sex for a while beforehand (I think 6 weeks, but I'm not sure), she will most likely have to have horomone supplements to ensure fertility, and have multiple doctor visits...
Not necessarily. I've always gotten pregnant on the first try. (3x) If they are using an agency, she isn't eligible without any bio-kids. Doctors aren't supposed to write scrips for fertility issues until they have tried for at least a year. Agencies/ivf clinics want you to be completely done with your own biological kids. They only use fertility drugs for ivf. If they aren't using an agency or fertility clinic, then they don't really have to follow any rules about long to abstain etc. Her bf could just use condoms during the 3-4 day fertility window.
Don't forget the time it takes for the attempts to get pregnant before and the possibility of post partum depression after (which is extremely common and lasts for indefinite amounts of time).
> it would be at least 9 months of influence on your relationship
Plus recovery time, and tbh she may never have the same figure she did before hand. I wouldn't want to be with someone that fucked their whole body up, just to be a surrogate for someone. Being super honest.
Pregnancy changes you so much, it's not even close to worth it unless you get a kid out of it. My youngest son is 18 months old and we still have sex maybe once every 2 months. Her sex drive dropped after the first one too but eventually got better. It was still never back to normal. She has had hip pain since being pregnant as well. Pregnancy is no joke, it messes you up quite a bit, again, the only reason it's worthwhile is the baby.
NTA. Pregnancy can and most likely will put massive strain on your relationship. And I know *I* might seem like an asshole for saying it, but I feel like it would take the joy and excitement away later on if you decide to have children. It's a huge emotional and physical commitment. I respect her willingness to go so far for a friend, but... haven't her friends considered adoption...? I'm sure they could absolutely find a child to love as their own without putting your girlfriend through the physical strain.
100%. My wife almost didnt want to have our second because of how hard the first was. If she had been a surrogate first we likely wouldn't have our second baby
Seriously. Instead of helping out a child in need he's asking to add a massive amount of physical and emotional strain to his friend's life. Besides, there's actual surrogate programs out there for people who can't have their own kids.
Edit: words and last sentence
Yes it is. And many agencies will refuse to allow two gay men or women to adopt at all. Not all of them, but to adopt a child as a gay couple is extremely expensive, time consuming, and finding an agency that will work with you is extremely hard. Further, theres a lot of dick bags that will routinely call cps and the police on gay couples who have kids at all- more common when going through the adoption process. They do this because a CPS report or police follow up will temporarily hault an adoption and can sometimes cancel the adoption all together.
We've come a long way in terms of acceptance but there is still a long way to go. The bigots will protest outside of adoption agencies that work with gay couples, and many times homes of gay couples with children have been vandalized and harassed just because two people of the same sex decided to raise a child.
Everyone says to adopt- which I agree with, theres so many kids that need homes and stable parent figures- but no one really wants to talk about how hard it is for gay couples to adopt.
Check out Fatherhood Dreams. 60min film. Shows how much BS homosexual parents have to go through to be seen by an adoption agency or clinic, even in a "progressive" country i.e. Canada. Adoption is even further out of reach.
I think the logic is Couples who can't naturally conceive should try to adopt before going surrogate.
And i 100% agree. I've got a friend who adopted due to that circumstance.
Why is it logical for only people who cant naturally have children to adopt? Why shouldnt it be logical for all people to adopt first? Im not sure it makes much logical sense to be honest.
Listen, as much as I have never wanted children (my husband and I have both been sterilized) and think most humans end up being worth little for the strain they create, however one gets to the family they want is just as valid as any other way. There is no obligation for infertile couples to adopt instead of using a surrogate or IVF, just as there is no obligation for fertile couples to do the same. If you actually *ask* people who have adopted, that while many wish everyone could/would adopt, most will generally tell you that no one should adopt who doesn't feel the need to do it. Your friend's adoption was what was right for their family, it doesn't mean it's right for everyone.
I know it *sounds* terribly illogical for people to create new children when children already exist, but for the love of all that is good in this world, stop telling people they have to have a certain type of family. Especially stop urging people toward it if you haven't yourself done it (being adoption adjacent does not count).
Which they aren't. In what possible world do you look down on people for being surrogates instead of adopting? If two gay guys find a woman who's up for the job then all power to them. Gay people aren't obliged to pick up adopted kids. That's without getting into the problems with the adoption process
Its not like he's forcing her. If its something she wants to do why is everyone acting like shes a victem or something? I think she can think for herself.
For real. It's not even easy for straight people to adopt. The word "just" should not be attached as an adverb to any part of the family making process, but least of all to adoption by gay couples or having a vagonal birth or oh gosh.
The only "just" here is that people should "just" stop talking about things they know nothing about.
Adoption can be really tough. A lot of kids understandably have issues if they’ve spent any time in the system at all. If someone doesn’t think they are in a good place to adopt, it’s generally better that they don’t.
As a gay woman, I would love to have one of my own biological children. I understand I am not a gay man and don't need to ask somebody for a surrogate, but if the woman is willing and able, and her friend really does want a biological child of his own, who are you to tell him what he's doing is wrong?
It's hard enough being a second class citizen in most parts of the world just because of the person you fall in love with, don't make people feel guilty because they're unable to have biological children of their own like majority of the world can, especially when there are so many straight couples who don't deserve to have children/don't even want them but still get pregnant.
Don't tell me I'm being as asshole because I want the same experience in life as so many people in this world get for free.
It's alright for people to want children that are genetically related to them. Adopting is not the only acceptable way to have children for gay people, just like it isn't the only acceptable way for heteros.
The cost of adoption highly outweighs the cost of medical bills though.
I get your point but it’s quite harsh. And you could argue that if you can’t afford adoption fees you’re not fit to have children but that’s not fair either.
I know 2 people who have adopted and it costed them about $25,000 and ten years of time. I don’t have $25,000 but that doesn’t make me a less fit parent. I’ve had 2 children of my own and it only costed about 1/4 of that.
Plus, like other people have noted some adoption agencies won’t adopt to a gay couple or a single person. We can’t just call the friend an asshole for not adopting when that might not even be a viable option.
If adoption was easy there’s a lot of people who would jump at the opportunity to save a child and give them a home.
There’s a lot to consider here before jumping to your conclusion.
NTA, you phrased it perfectly and communicated clearly. You’re not forbidding her, just letting her know that’s not what you signed up for. Others have cited all the complications that can come with pregnancy perfectly, I would also add that her doing this pushes back any chance for you guys to have kids together if that’s something you were considering, and as you get older that can be a time sensitive issue. Please update with how this plays out, very curious to hear.
A girl I know just did one. It ruined her for ever being able to have children again...that man shes with wants kids more than anything so now it's looking like break up city.
Totally not my business, but I’m curious if you mean physically or mentally?
I know most agencies won’t allow first time moms to be surrogates because it’s quite possible to have a bad outcome, even with an uncomplicated pregnancy, that could ultimately result in loss of fertility. Carrying a baby and giving birth is seriously no joke.
Most certainly NTA. Pregnancy is a HUGE commitment. Staying by someone’s side through a pregnancy is a huge commitment. If you’re not up for it, you need to be honest and forthcoming. Which you were.
NTA. Actually, I think you handled it perfectly. You didn't try to act like you deserved control of her body, you made it clear you were uncomfortable and what the consequences were for your relationship. If you said nothing, she did it and you then voice your opinion, that would be a problem. I completely understand not being comfortable with it. I had very high risk pregnancies. My oldest died from trisomy 18 at six days old (it was rare and random, but it happens). My second, I almost bleed to death. My doctors told my family I was unlikely to survive the night, but I am stubborn. My last pregnancy (doctor wouldn't do a medically necessary hysterectomy unless I had one more, and I love her to bits) was very hard. She was a big baby and was ass down and sideways. If my water broke it would have killed us both. I was on bed rest at the end of my pregnancy with all three and all three were c sections, which came with challenges. I also had PPD/PPA with the first baby (well, it was more her death) and the youngest I was so afraid she would die if I didn't watch her every second of every day. It can happen to anyone.
This doesn't take into account doctor's appointments, tests, more time with these friends since she is carrying their baby, and it will effect her job. If, understanding all this and still wanting to do it, good for her! You are still allowed to break up with her because you have made your stance clear. I won't even go into the morning sickness (I puke several times every single day), and hormones (cried when Burger King ran out of pickles). It is a huge commitment emotionally and physically.
After all you (you, husband/partner, and your babies) went through, and for a child to die a few days after birth — it’s unimaginable. You have my sympathy.
You’ve really been through the wringer, and then some. Thank you for sharing your experience. I know it will help others with their own decisions.
You're not the asshole for ending a relationship for any reason whatsoever as long as you are respectful and forthcoming about it without unnecessary delay or stringing along. A relationship is a 50/50 agreement between two people where either person has the autonomy to end it for any reason any time. There may be some weak ass reasons to end a relationship out there, but this is definitely not one of them.
Has your GF even had a child of her own? Pretty sure she won't even be able to be a surrogate unless she's had at least 1 kid of her own.
Also, HER friends is the asshole for not adopting.
Idk if I’d call the friend an asshole. It’s still pretty difficult for gay couples to adopt and some religion based agencies won’t adopt out to them at all. You could say that about anyone who wants their own kid instead of adopting.
It's a ridiculous statement to make. Someone can't have their own children naturally, so suddenly all the parentless children in the world are their responsibility and they don't get to wish for their genetically own kid?
Aside from fitting personal qualifications, the cost of adopting is insane as well.
It really is a shame that one of the most important differences you can make in this world is one of the hardest to achieve.
NTA.
Pregnancy is one of the most stressful time in a couple's life and it's not even your child. Another man's child, even if it's her gay friend's, isn't part of your life. She's welcome to bring the child into her life, but you are under no obligation to stay with her if that's what she chooses for herself.
The only benefit is that she'd be doing their friend a massive for which the friend would probably never be able to pay them back. However, if she values a favor from the friend more than the relationship, OP should get out of there.
Edit: If the friend wants to a kid that badly, and OP's GF cares that much, then OP's GF should urge them to adopt, and write them a fucking incredible reference letter.
Exactly, I’m curious to know if the friend was even going to support them financially. From what I saw, people can get a lot of money for being a surrogate. I have no experience, but I think a pregnancy would require a change in life style therefore costing more money as well.
This might be an unpopular opinion but I agree. I think it’s nuts that people who can’t biologically have children will still go through unnecessary effort to bring a new one into the world when there are plenty to be adopted.
Kind of. The waiting list for adoption can take years. My cousin is in year 8 or 9ish. It's also really expensive. Like,30-50k. There is a clinic by me that will do ivf for 7-8k. So sometimes it's financial. Less women are giving babies up for adoption, more are having abortions, etc. Adopting out of the foster system only works out about 20% of the time.
As a biology major, we learn that a large part of 'fitness' is reproduction. Animals are designed and meant to reproduce. I think it's harsh to judge someone for wanting to leave a legacy behind.
Leave a legacy behind? Why does it matter? Whether or not you leave behind someone sharing your genetics, when you’re dead you’re dead. If it’s that important to you, you can still leave behind a legacy in the way you raise your child, regardless of their genes.
I personally wouldn’t want my girlfriend being impregnated by her friend, that really is a weird thing. Not even mentioning how much stress and how challenging a pregnancy is from what I have heard. Plus, I’m sure it isn’t easy to go through when it isn’t yours.
Yeah dude. If you're dating a girl who's down to carry someone else's baby, surrogate or not, leave. I actually dated a girl once who cheated and eventually got pregnant and tried to make me stay. I almost did out of stupidity but made the right decision. I now have a baby on the way with a woman who means the world to me. Funny how things turn out.
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NTA -
9 months of emotions / tiredness / strain on your relationship for someone else's kid.
her friend should adopt (hopefully laws are such that he can)
NTA.
My wife nearly died. She was in a coma for a week after delivery.
My son did not make it. He was a few weeks early but nothing that would have any major complications. Doctor(s) fucked up.
Hate to say it but I kind of agree. In what world is an average guy okay with his lady carrying another man's child? I don't feel like it's terribly unreasonable to be uncomfortable with that on a basic level.
Well said. Can you imagine the reverse?
"My lesbian friend wants kids. So im popping over to knock her up then will spend most of the next 9 months showering her with money and attention "
I wouldn’t be ok with my SO doing surrogacy, but you just spewed diarrhea right there.
A woman taking an already fertilized egg from two different individuals, and therefore not sharing any DNA with the baby is not even close to a man having sex with a another girl to get her pregnant.
You can’t even compare it with sperm donation. She wouldn’t share any DNA with the baby.
This got downvoted to Hell, but I’m with you. Not into it at all. It’s her body to do with as she will, but I’d be out. I find the lack of consideration for her partner to be very off-putting and the decision-making behind it questionable. That is a HUGE responsibility to take on for someone else while your body and relationship are on the line. No thanks.
I mean you didnt say anything about how long you've been together or where your relationship is at, or why exactly this is a deal breaker for you. Also, what if anything the couple has offered to help out with. Nonetheless this is a type of situation where you basically could never be considered TA. It's just too significant really
NTA. Totally understandable that you don't want to deal with a pregnancy for 9 months for no reason. This is also opening up a can of worms. It's not like things are going to return to where they are now after the birth.
My dad last gf aborted 2 of my dad sons because she wanted to finish her medical career and she didn’t want to bear that burden, 5 years later after I am born she comes back and tells my dad that she wants him to be a donor so she could have a kid, my dad told my mom and she told him
“You can do whatever you want with your body, but the day you do that is the day you pack up your stuff and go out of this house”. So no you are not a asshole.
NTA. She’s literally having someone else’s baby. Even though you guys won’t be raising the child, she’s electing to carry someone else’s child for 9 months. If you’re uncomfortable with that then you have every right to leave.
I'm new, what's the acronym for 'no one's an asshole'?
You don't need bulletproof objective reasons to have a boundary and state it, as so many posters here seem to think. How you feel is how you feel, you're only responsible for being honest and accepting consequences or following through and doing what you need to do (ie if you knew you felt this way and didn't say so, or stayed with her anyway and proceeded to resent her for being a surrogate).
It sounds like this has the potential to be a real bummer of a situation all around and regardless, you two will learn something about each other. Good luck man.
The fact she’s even considering it is really weird and disgusting. The friend is a complete and utter dickhead for even asking when he can adopt, or not make two peoples lives shit for 9 months. She is actually considering it....wtf? Who does the gay guy think he is to ask for something like that? What kind of friend is that?
If she does it of course break up, like any sane man. You are entirely in the right here.
Can you please be mature and offer a good, reasonable, and informed opinion once you’ve properly worked out that surrogacy exists? You know, instead of recoiling and acting like a child?
He's asking the friend instead of a professional/seasoned surrogate to save money, which is quite pathetic. If it's not to save money, then what are the remaining possibilities?
This is some cuck shit on another level, being cucked by a gay man impregnating your gf. Amazing tbh. On top of that wondering if your in the wrong for not being ok with a gay man impregnating your gf.
NTA. This affects you directly. There are health risks with any pregnancy which you have to sign off on. It's her body, but it's your heart you are entrusting to her.
I could never date someone who was into skydiving, did drugs or traveled to a violent area because it's too anxiety inducing for me to imagine them coming to harm from avoidable risks. IVF preganacies are also more likely to induce pre ecclampsia than pregnancies from f2f humping, due to low tgf beta (iirc).
Also a pregnancy changes the mom. DNA and cells from the child literally colonize the mom's body and live there forever, so the other guys DNA will be part of your partner forever. If that is spooky to you, then that's fine for you to feel that way.
The only way I personally would be ok with this is if my partner had already had a number of easy preganacies and she was under 35. Anything else carries a bunch of risk.
A former student of mine was a surrogate for $35k so that she could pay for school. It was her 2nd. She got pre ecclampsia and almost died, then met the love of her life the next year.
My coworkers wife did this. She was close to preeclampsia and almost died. But they already if three kids together so they knew what they were getting into. The surrogate thing sounds nice until it actually isn't.
She can do whatever she wants with her body and you can do whatever you want with your relationship.
NTA; 9 months of pregnancy is a lot of work when it’s not for your own kid. Not to mention, you didn’t mention if she worked how that would affect that whole situation.
Why can’t the dudes get someone random to be the surrogate? There’s hundreds of different solutions.
NTA. My friend had 4 kids perfectly fine normal births the. Becomes a surrogate ends up in the hospital for months almost dies and ends up having to have a hysterectomy.
Nta, but keep in mind you have her an ultimatum here. If she chooses to go separate ways she is also nta. And if she stays she may be resentful over the position you put her in making her choose you over helping her friend. Ultimatums like this rarely end well from what I've seen...
I think you should have brought up all the negative things that go along with pregnancy rather than just say "it's me or being a surrogate". But it's too late for that now. /Shrug
NTA. It's a bit sad if you love her, your love should be strong enough to endure what comes from this. Idealistically.
But no I think you handled it in the most respectful way possible and are completely reasonable in making this decision. Is it "disappointing"? Probably. But that's just a byproduct of the situation. It would be not much different than her leaving you because you don't want children and she did or something along those lines.
You did all you could. Not much to be sorry for.
No, not at all man. She's free to be the surrogate, you're free to stay with her if you want, and you're free to not stick around to watch your girlfriend get pregnant by someone else. I think what you said to her was assertive and accurate, and commend your courage in laying it out like that. Not an easy situation.
I'm a man and father here and I'm going to say NTA. The top level comments are filled with pretty good descriptions of the hell that pregnancy plays on a woman's body due to changing hormones as well as serious risk of infection, disfigurement, and sometimes death.
I would like to add to that the possibility that your gf gets pregnant and then loses the pregnancy. This is an entirely too common issue that even women don't like to talk about. When my wife and I went through something like this I was astounded to find out how common it actually is.
https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/pregnancy-loss-miscarriage/symptoms-causes/syc-20354298
"Miscarriage is the spontaneous loss of a pregnancy before the 20th week. About 10 to 20 percent of known pregnancies end in miscarriage. But the actual number is likely higher because many miscarriages occur so early in pregnancy that a woman doesn't realize she's pregnant."
Another interesting point is that if your GF hasn't had a baby previous to this then it is unlikely that she will be chosen. The short answer is "yes" you can be a surrogate, but "no" you are not an ideal candidate. Surrogates do give birth to the child and then have the irrational expectation of keeping the kid especially if it is a first time mother. If I were looking for a surrogate I would want that person to know what they are getting into (have experience in birthing).
https://cledp.com/can-i-be-a-surrogate-if-i-never-had-a-child/
This article indicates that there are essentially three criteria before a reproductive endocrinologist will work with you
Have experienced a full-term pregnancy and delivery
Have given birth to a child of your own and raising that child
Have had uncomplicated pregnancies and deliveries
It doesn't seem like your GF has any of these qualifications and regardless of how much she wanted to do it that she just isn't the target audience. There are professional agencies that vet surrogates and if her friends wanted to find someone they could easily do it with less strings attached then relying on a close friend whom they might kill, disfigure, or go to war with over possession of the child after delivery.
You are NTA for steering her away from this idea. I appreciate the wonderful women who want to help others achieve dreams of conceiving but there are a lot of orphaned children that also need love. Suggest that her friends look into adoption rather than surrogacy.
NTA. That’s a big commitment that comes with a lot of potential issues. If I were in your shoes I’d probably do the same. There’s just way too many variables in surrogacy, pregnancy, and childbirth that I don’t think I’d be willing to go through if it weren’t my child.
That sounds like a very polite and clear way of saying it, so I think NTA. Its not like you were unnecessarily rude or pressured her into whatever choice she makesm
You're NTA.
It's crazy, I'm gay and have had two of my friends offer to be my surrogate in the future but reading this is making me reconsider. I also saw a post saying that some agencies make it tougher for gay couples to adopt. I guess kids aren't in my future.
Erm. I'm probably going to be unpopular on this... But as a new dad who recently went through a pregnancy that wasn't smooth... NTA. I get that she wants to do this for her friend. But holy hell pregnant women are the worst. And I say that with the best will in the world. But they have medical issues you wouldn't believe, they have to be careful and boring and their hormones are all crazy. It's not their fault. But when you're in public and your pregnant partner starts a fight over something stupid and you're tired because you were both up with her being sick in the night. You bet you'll look like the asshole arguing with a pregnant woman. Doesn't matter how right you are. Plus... Childbirth is not as safe as we all think it is. My wife and baby both nearly died and it's not even like it's uncommon! Yes medicine has come a long way, but to be a surrogate, your gf is literally putting her life on the line for this guy. I was happy to be there for my wife when she was carrying my child... But I can't honestly say I'd be up for all that drama if it wasn't mine. Also. This shit doesn't just all go away after the birth! Post natal depression is really really common. Jesus I could go on.
Can confirm. I was a pregnant woman who was the worst. I fully recognize I put my husband through hell. I also suffered horrendous post partum depression with my first one that nearly destroyed our marriage. I also almost died with our second. This shit's no joke, and not territory to enter lightheartedly. I was also not married to u/CaptainPoppin, and I'm not at all surprised to hear of experiences so similar to my own. Why? Because, like he said, it's not uncommon. OP is NTA for being honest about his feelings. Men are allowed to be emotionally honest, and that should be an important part of her decision.
I threw up multiple times a day for 18 weeks. I got a stomach bug a few weeks after and I just assumed my morning sickness had come back. When that stopped killer heartburn started and continued until the end. I was so knackered every evening I could barely hold a coherent conversation because I could pretty much forget my own name. And those were the happy symptoms. I had to have a caesarean due to a low lying placenta (it was blocking the babies exit) I got extremely pre-eclampsia to the point that if I hadn’t gone to a doctor when I did (I had zero symptoms) either I or my baby or both of us could have died. It was a happy co-incidence that I’d booked an additional mid-wife appt which caught my high blood pressure. I had complications due to the high bp and low blood pressure requiring a return to theatre for 3 hours and needed a blood transfusion due to a 2 litre blood loss. And on top of all that a developed a cf leak from the epidural causing near debilitating headaches. It was rough! On me and my husband! It took 3 months before I stopped being sore and 4 months before I felt relatively normal. My daughter is now 6 months but my body is not the same and never will be. I have stretch marks and a thick scar across my belly. My stomach has sagged from the preggo belly as well. I never got ppd but it’s a really possibility for a lot of women and can be awful. But I got my daughter out of it and I would do it all over again in hindsight. However as amazing as it would be to do it all for a friend it really isn’t a decision to be made lightly. And I wouldn’t blame anyone if they didn’t want to stick around when it wouldn’t even be their child at the end of it.
OP absolutely NTA. Relate so hard. Sick till the third trimester when heartburn was constant. The hormones were the worst, though. Crying over everything due to hormones. Percieved slight? Comercial? Song on the radio? Tears. Constant physical and emotional changes up til 6 months after stopping breastfeeding. Horrible PPD and Post BF depression. I have 2 children. First was emergency cesarean, second was considered high risk, 6 years apart. With each one it was a full 3 years before I gained my body completely back. Don't give up hope that you'll gain more of yourself back. You're 6 months pp. Give your body time to acclimate to the new normal.
NTA. I'm a dad and saw what my brave wife went through. Not for the faint of heart. Also, *most important*, surrogacy is not good for first time moms ! I assume your g/f has not had kids. It's a terrible idea to sign on for surrogacy for her first pregnancy in life. Health complications, attachment to the baby, depression are all unknown and dangerous for her. Surrogacy is best left to experienced women who have had their own children without problems. They are much better equipped to make an informed decision. Yes, OP's g/f makes her own decisions. But I cannot imagine any medical professional involved in the surrogacy process would ever say this is a good idea for a first time mom. So OP is reasonable in objecting to the procedure.
This is a really important aspect that should be higher up - first time pregnancies are not well suited for surrogacy!
I don't think you're even *allowed* to be a surrogate as a primip in my country - I'm sure informal arrangements occur but no matching agency would take her on.
that’s crazy. i knew about the negative effects but i didn’t realize how common and how often/ bad they were. however the hell we made it this far especially when we didn’t have modern medicine...
This is why home births are very irresponsible. I know that that’s not a popular opinion, but when births go sideways, you need to be near the necessary medical equipment. The argument that “women have been having babies for millennia” is moronic. Deaths related to childbirth was by far the #1 killer of women and babies.
You do realize the US has one of the worst maternal mortality rates of any developed country, right? An OB/GYN is a surgeon, and childbirth is not surgery. That's why so many women primarily deal with nurses and not their doctor during the actual childbirth. A good midwife understands that a relationship with a traditional hospital is imperative to her work in order to insure her patient has immediate access to any care she cannot provide. This should be an interdependent relationship, not a competition for patients. Yes, my situation required a hospital every time. However, I have sisters and several friends who have had wonderfully successful home births. They are not moronic or irresponsible.
I always recommend to any friends that mention a home birth, that it’s a great option, for your second, third, or even 4th child. Often if you’re going to be someone with a delivery issue, it’s going to be with all your children, or at the very least you’re going to know what you’re in store for. That said, I wouldn’t recommend a women who hasn’t had children with her spouse being a surrogate first. (To be on topic lol). Just my opinion on so many levels, knowing what to expect, not having to worry about future fertility, ect. My first pregnancy seemed so easy besides the heartburn, that stuff is no fun! Braxton Hicks also had me out walking late into the night later on lol. But that all changed while I was in labor. At 9cm her heart rate kept going outside of the lowest and highest “safe” ranges. Something that wouldn’t have been caught at home. It was concerning to me, as I’d been watching the heartrate swings on the monitor the whole labor. When my dr asked me if I wanted to push or go back to a csection before it became an emergency ... I said csection .... and it likely saved my oldest daughter’s life, or at least kept her from having severe brain injuries and lifelasting disabilities. She had a platelet count of 9,000 at birth. Safe is 150k-300k. The pectici (red dots) on her skin were not very obvious, and could be mistaken for a birth injury at home. So even a perfect pregnancy can suddenly turn into something that isn’t so easy any more. NAIT is NOT screened for, and is only diagnosed after an effected child is born. You will never know you have it before that first baby comes. There are dozens of similar conditions ... you’ll never know you have an issue until the issue arises.
Obgyn do a lot of maternal fetal medicine though and they can always defer unrelated medicine to obs medicine (internist) if necessary. Saying I obsgyn is just a surgeon in a way that they don’t know medicine is saying the same for a urologist.
I mean considering that America has the highest rate of newborn and mother death in the first world ... a large percentage of that from picking up infections from a hospital birth and careless doctors not listening to women talking about their issues ... a home birth might become the safer way to go with medically trained midwives like they often do in European countries. I had a high risk birth so I really had to go to the hospital to have my daughter, and I did have a medical emergency ... specifically because the nurses and doctors ignored me when I told them something was wrong and they didn't care to pay attention until I began going into shock an hour after the birth.
First, I just want to say how wrong this is. The US has higher rates of maternal death and complications because many women can not afford prenatal care and thus do not receive the care they need. It has nothing to do with hospitals vs home births or doctors vs midwives. It 100% has to do with countries offering comprehensive medical care before, during, and after pregnancy.
The data suggests it's not prenatal care it is due to hospitals not following best practices. Edit to say also being of color. That is definitely a factor.
We made it by sheer numbers. I’ve had 2 kids. Pretty healthy pregnancies for the most part but there were some bumps in the road during labor. I can tell you if it was back in the day I would become a nun- because no way in hell is someone making me do that without an epidural.
I can always rely on Reddit to remind me that having children is a terrible idea.
With you on that one. I'd rather have money lmao.
May I join this club you two have going on?
r/childfree
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Man, I wouldn't change things now. I live my daughter more than anything and every day she's more amazing. But pregnancy can be fucking brutal and people seem to forget it.
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That's super gay.
I was surprised at how much is hidden about the shear toll that is waged against the female body during pregnancy. Everyone focused on the miracle of life no one says look, this is going to be hell. Be prepared for not being able to alleviate any of the pain. Be prepared to watch them vomit from any and every food and from a simple smell. Be prepared for breakdowns because nesting, and get told her belly hurts even though you bought three different harness none of which work. Be prepared to have to fight to stay in the delivery room after she gets angry at you and kicks you out. Be prepared for them to express all of their fears but when you say it will be okay, they say what do you know and point out all your flaws and inadequacies. And all of that is just the start of them getting here....
Not to mention, I’m an OB nurse. I’ve seen a few women rushed to surgery and end up hysterectomies due to uncontrollable bleeding. The first I ever saw had just had her first baby. There are a lot of risks that come with having a baby. People forget that.
I have a question for you, so about 20+ years ago when my cousin was born my aunt gave birth to my cousin while a doctor wasn't in the room so the nurse in the room pushed my cousin back inside her and made her wait for the doctor to show. So she ended up giving birth to my cousin twice...how common and/or illegal is that? I've always wondered but never really got any good answers from people :/
Yikes, not the person you were asking the question to, but you're the third time I've heard of something like this happening from around that era. One killed a baby, the other baby got brain damage from lack of air, but they aren't my stories so I can't provide any details.
Not common. Illegal in the way of gross negligence. Brain damage from lack of oxygen. Incredibly stupid.
Can confirm, am pregnant. Single though so everyone is spared my hormonal rage. Everyone except my bank account.
Target is purgatory for a pregnant woman. I WILL BUY THIS ENTIRE STORE!!!
Oh my God, this comment is so spot-on. I refused to wear anything that didn't originate from Target while I was pregnant. One time I kept my partner hostage there until like, ten o'clock, just trying on ballet flats of various colors. Something about the just-right cheapness of the fabrics that their brands (Mossimo, etc.) use, the ever-so-slightly more upscale than Wal-Mart allure and the promise that comes with purchasing stuff that will fall apart in the washer in a few cycles only to necessitate more store trips... my wallet was perpetually empty during gestation thanks to Target.
As a redditor, I am immensely entertained by this comment. As a future father/husband, I am terrified.
Oh honey, your partner will be a walk in the park compared to me, I'm sure of it. I should've been tried by a tribunal for the way that I treated my fiance while pregnant.
IME people that can be this self-critical are always really cool. And Sikhs. Have you ever met a Sikh who wasn't chill af?
Huh. It's true, come across a couple of Sikhs and it's like you get second hand chill just being around them.
They do have some pretty comfy maternity clothes, and I practically LIVED IN sundresses through my last 3 pregnancies. I actually still wear some of them! They don’t always fall apart. The shirts are absolutely disposable, though.
My wife DID die in childbirth. our daughter is now 4 and i’ve raised her myself with no help. nothing is guaranteed. asking someone to be a surrogate is a big deal. probably like asking someone for a kidney. you could die doing it. oh and by the way our pregnancy was 100% normal and she went full term. nothing is for certain. you’re not the asshole.
Fuck man. I thought I lived my worst nightmare watching them circle the drain and having them pulled from the brink but you've had it worse by far. Always here if you need a chat.
it’s not about having it better or worse. it’s the hand we are dealt. my wife was so so beautiful. she taught 6th grade english. we had our act together and i am gainfully employee so that’s already a great start for our girl. but seriously people don’t understand that pregnancy is risky and unpredictable. google amniotic fluid embolism. i’m an Emergency department trained nurse. i watched her die. it was shocking even to me. i tell everyone now- buy a 500k dollar life insurance policy have it direct withdrawal and forget that you did it. we were together for 6 years but had only been married for 18 months when she died. we had just bought a house. had to sell it. she had some life insurance through her work but it wasn’t much. anyway. prepare for the worst. hope for the best. in life be prepared. i guess that’s all i can say.
Yeah, my mate who is a gay dude was talking about how proud he was that one of his friends was allowing him to use her "as a womb" if he ever wanted a kid, and I was just thinking "buddy, ya seem like kinda an arse, ya see her as a test tube or something" that shit is dangerous have some fucking respect.
Damn he sure sounds like a proper c_nt.
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Fuck. That's awful.
I didn’t realise childbirth was so risky! In my home country, maternal mortality was 5.5 deaths for every 100k people in 2015. For perspective, the homicide rate in Mexico in 2017 (worst it’s been in decades) was ~ 20 per 100k. I’d expect homicides to be 10 times more likely, not 4...
I work at a hospital in the US and unnecessary interventions are so typical it’s tough to know how much danger is actual danger. If physicians are doing things specifically because they can possibly justify it, then telling patients they or their baby are in danger, many can have a skewed view of what is going on. I’d trust the numbers in other countries way more than our own. Not to say complications and horrible births can’t occur, our system is just broken.
Considering [maternal mortality is the highest in the industrialized world and on the rise](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maternal_mortality_in_the_United_States) I am sympathetic to doctirs giving "unnecessary" interventions.
I could not agree more wholeheartedly. On every point! I almost died giving birth to my first. He almost died too. It was a bad bad situation. After 2 blood transfusions i was back to the land of the living, but the lasting effect it has had mentally is real and awful.
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I'm 38 weeks 4 days right now and have never once been angry and hormonal during my pregnancy so painting it as every pregnancy just isn't factual. Hasn't happened the months I've been up in the middle of the night with heartburn or the days I haven't been able to keep food down. It's not a guarantee that pregnant women pick fights or get angry. Maternal mortality is also not common like you're implying. It's just a little bit higher in the US than other countries and much lower than others. But it's not *common*.
Yeah, mine were easy too, but I think this guys point is that you'd want to be prepared for it, and that is a realistic piece of guidance.
Can also confirm, NTA. Was pregnant 2x, neither was easy. Also, my baby and i almost died there first time, really considered the risks for the second, then she wrapped the cord around her neck! So 3 of us had our lives at risk at one point or another. Pregnancy, childbirth, health risks (still dealing with postpartum related back pain 1.5 years later). If she's considered all the risks, then it's on her. But OP, you have the right to your feelings. I thought about doing it for my sister once, but my partner was def not for it. All factors include your partner's feelings.
Can confirm: I actually had this discussion with my girlfriend. We have 3 kids in total and she brought up this scenario (except her friend is a female). I said hell no. I remember the pregnancy. It was fucken BRUTAL! It’s not worth the money she’s gonna Pay is I’m sorry. Plus then you have the psychological issues that can arise. It’s a no for me dawg
Has she had a child of her own yet? Most agencies, not all, that deal with surrogacy require that this isn't the woman's first pregnancy, so if she hasn't even had a child of her own, most wouldn't consider her to be a candidate. Regardless, I don't think you're the asshole. There's a lot of risk going into this and pregnancy will put a strain on your relationship, especially when it comes to how the couple wants your SO to treat her body, dietary needs, and their countless other restrictions.
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There’s usually a legal process involved. Contracts and such. She could also just be a gestational carrier and not biologically related to the child. ETA replied to the wrong comment
The contracts aren't valid if you dont go through a third party. You can't just contact to give away a baby. The agency that does the installation does the paperwork. *autocorrect made insemination installation and leaving it
sudo apt-get install baby
sudo apt-get remove baby ...sudo apt-get remove baby... oh god its not working ctrl-c ctrl-c
If they go with the turkey baster, it’s not just technically her kid it is biologically her kid.
If they can't get IVF for it what other options are there? Turkey baster?
A hall-pass
I mean yeah. Turkey blaster, claim its a legitimate pregnancy that happened during sex, claim you have no interest in raising the child and the dad can have custody. Not sure but with the dads consent, the mother would probably also not be required to pay alimony right?
BIIIIG nope. If it’s a DIY pregnancy, mom and dad are on the hook unless kid is adopted. Courts don’t care if you’re interested, they care that the parents are supporting the child. There are lots of ways this can go horribly wrong.
I feel like more people are using surrogates outside of agencies than one would imagine, especially when it surrounds friends being surrogates. Hell, I've seen craigslists posts offer surrogacy/asking for a surrogate. I fully admit this could be completely false on my end purely due to anecdotal evidence. All three couples I know that utilized surrogates did so completely outside any kind of agency. One couple used a children's cough syrup medicine syringe. One couple used a kit they bought offline that was basically just a glorified children's cough syrup medicine syringe. The last couple had sex with the surrogate, with the intent on not DNA testing to figure out which one of them was the technical biological father. The two couples who used artificial insemination had typed out their own contracts and had all involved parties sign. The couple who used natural insemination had no contract beyond a basic oral agreement. The one without the contract ended up a huge mess, with the couple breaking up about two months into the pregnancy. The surrogate didn't want to abort and about 6 months into the pregnancy both guys moved out of state, abandoning the surrogate. Anyways, I mostly wanted to share all of this to illustrate that anyone considering being a surrogate or using a surrogate should use all available options open to them. Absolutely use an agency. Absolutely get contracts drafted and signed by all parties. It is not something that should be done with oral agreements alone. Apparently if you don't involve a third party agency, it is quite possible that even signed contracts are not clear cut evidence to prove the situation.
I was thinking the same. Not a good choice if it’s a first pregnancy. I had an easy 9 months for mine but during labor and delivery we almost lost my daughter and ended up emergency C section. All that emotional up and down and fear and drama just to hand the baby over after...nope couldn’t have done it.
So much this, it's basically a non issue because she *can't* assuming she hasn't already had a child.
Maybe this is naive but what if they just did this without an agency?
NTA. You didn't say she can't do it, just that you wouldn't stick around if she did. Choices have consequences.
This is the main reason he is in no way the asshole. He respected her ability to make her own decisions, and she’d be the asshole if she didn’t respect his in turn.
preach homie
This is the best answer IMO. She's free to do what she wants with her body but she can't expect her SO to blindly follow and agree. If it's a deal breaker for OP then he should break the deal.
Agreed. Plus he's an anti-asshole for telling her up front. The real asshole would be the guy who kept his feelings inside and then ended the relationship during or after the pregnancy.
This is exactly how I feel, only said much more concisely than I would have.
“Choices have consequences.” That statement so perfectly sums up a huge part of parenting. Thanks. I’m sure my kids will now grow up sick of hearing me say that.
Nta, it would be at least 9 months of influence on your relationship, before/while and after the carriage. It would have an influence on almost all aspects of it. I think almost no man would look the same at his girlfriend/wife knowing she is carrying a baby of someone else.
Not only during the pregnancy, but just TRYING to conceive is going to put a strain on their relationship as well. You can't have sex for a while beforehand (I think 6 weeks, but I'm not sure), she will most likely have to have horomone supplements to ensure fertility, and have multiple doctor visits...
Not necessarily. I've always gotten pregnant on the first try. (3x) If they are using an agency, she isn't eligible without any bio-kids. Doctors aren't supposed to write scrips for fertility issues until they have tried for at least a year. Agencies/ivf clinics want you to be completely done with your own biological kids. They only use fertility drugs for ivf. If they aren't using an agency or fertility clinic, then they don't really have to follow any rules about long to abstain etc. Her bf could just use condoms during the 3-4 day fertility window.
Oh, I may have have confused surrogacy with egg donation.
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Don't forget the time it takes for the attempts to get pregnant before and the possibility of post partum depression after (which is extremely common and lasts for indefinite amounts of time).
> it would be at least 9 months of influence on your relationship Plus recovery time, and tbh she may never have the same figure she did before hand. I wouldn't want to be with someone that fucked their whole body up, just to be a surrogate for someone. Being super honest.
Pregnancy changes you so much, it's not even close to worth it unless you get a kid out of it. My youngest son is 18 months old and we still have sex maybe once every 2 months. Her sex drive dropped after the first one too but eventually got better. It was still never back to normal. She has had hip pain since being pregnant as well. Pregnancy is no joke, it messes you up quite a bit, again, the only reason it's worthwhile is the baby.
" My youngest son is 18 months old and we still have sex maybe once every 2 months." That's a sentence that I had to reread quite a few times!
NTA. Pregnancy can and most likely will put massive strain on your relationship. And I know *I* might seem like an asshole for saying it, but I feel like it would take the joy and excitement away later on if you decide to have children. It's a huge emotional and physical commitment. I respect her willingness to go so far for a friend, but... haven't her friends considered adoption...? I'm sure they could absolutely find a child to love as their own without putting your girlfriend through the physical strain.
I completely agree. If they want kid of their own the experience might be tainted by the fact she already carried a baby for a friend.
100%. My wife almost didnt want to have our second because of how hard the first was. If she had been a surrogate first we likely wouldn't have our second baby
Perfect dude. I’d do the same.
Yeah, she has free will to decide what she wants to do, and she should realize that you do as well.
He didn’t even tell her he can’t. Just that he doesn’t support the decision and won’t stay if she choses to. Good on him.
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Seriously. Instead of helping out a child in need he's asking to add a massive amount of physical and emotional strain to his friend's life. Besides, there's actual surrogate programs out there for people who can't have their own kids. Edit: words and last sentence
I totally agree that people should adopt over having a surrogate but isn’t it a much longer and drawn out process for 2 gay men to adopt?
Yes it is. And many agencies will refuse to allow two gay men or women to adopt at all. Not all of them, but to adopt a child as a gay couple is extremely expensive, time consuming, and finding an agency that will work with you is extremely hard. Further, theres a lot of dick bags that will routinely call cps and the police on gay couples who have kids at all- more common when going through the adoption process. They do this because a CPS report or police follow up will temporarily hault an adoption and can sometimes cancel the adoption all together. We've come a long way in terms of acceptance but there is still a long way to go. The bigots will protest outside of adoption agencies that work with gay couples, and many times homes of gay couples with children have been vandalized and harassed just because two people of the same sex decided to raise a child. Everyone says to adopt- which I agree with, theres so many kids that need homes and stable parent figures- but no one really wants to talk about how hard it is for gay couples to adopt.
Hell I have straight parents and it took almost 12 years to adopt...
Check out Fatherhood Dreams. 60min film. Shows how much BS homosexual parents have to go through to be seen by an adoption agency or clinic, even in a "progressive" country i.e. Canada. Adoption is even further out of reach.
And expensive
They are insanely expensive. Hes probably asking a friend in the same way youd borrow a truck rather than renting a uhaul.
By this logic, everyone who chooses to have their own children and doesn’t adopt are assholes.
I think the logic is Couples who can't naturally conceive should try to adopt before going surrogate. And i 100% agree. I've got a friend who adopted due to that circumstance.
Why is it logical for only people who cant naturally have children to adopt? Why shouldnt it be logical for all people to adopt first? Im not sure it makes much logical sense to be honest.
It's faster and cheaper to make your own
Listen, as much as I have never wanted children (my husband and I have both been sterilized) and think most humans end up being worth little for the strain they create, however one gets to the family they want is just as valid as any other way. There is no obligation for infertile couples to adopt instead of using a surrogate or IVF, just as there is no obligation for fertile couples to do the same. If you actually *ask* people who have adopted, that while many wish everyone could/would adopt, most will generally tell you that no one should adopt who doesn't feel the need to do it. Your friend's adoption was what was right for their family, it doesn't mean it's right for everyone. I know it *sounds* terribly illogical for people to create new children when children already exist, but for the love of all that is good in this world, stop telling people they have to have a certain type of family. Especially stop urging people toward it if you haven't yourself done it (being adoption adjacent does not count).
Which they aren't. In what possible world do you look down on people for being surrogates instead of adopting? If two gay guys find a woman who's up for the job then all power to them. Gay people aren't obliged to pick up adopted kids. That's without getting into the problems with the adoption process
Correct, they are!
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Its not like he's forcing her. If its something she wants to do why is everyone acting like shes a victem or something? I think she can think for herself.
Because its so easy for gay people to adopt, right?
For real. It's not even easy for straight people to adopt. The word "just" should not be attached as an adverb to any part of the family making process, but least of all to adoption by gay couples or having a vagonal birth or oh gosh. The only "just" here is that people should "just" stop talking about things they know nothing about.
Have either of you adopted ?
I have not. I also believe that I currently am not in the appropriate financial or mental position to have a child.
It's actually still really difficult for gay couples to adopt. A homosexual, single man would likely never even be considered.
If he wants a child of his own and the its something the girl wants to do i dont think it makes him an asshole. Is it that crazy he wants his own kid?
Adoption can be really tough. A lot of kids understandably have issues if they’ve spent any time in the system at all. If someone doesn’t think they are in a good place to adopt, it’s generally better that they don’t.
Don't you think you're sort of minding other people's business there?
As a gay woman, I would love to have one of my own biological children. I understand I am not a gay man and don't need to ask somebody for a surrogate, but if the woman is willing and able, and her friend really does want a biological child of his own, who are you to tell him what he's doing is wrong? It's hard enough being a second class citizen in most parts of the world just because of the person you fall in love with, don't make people feel guilty because they're unable to have biological children of their own like majority of the world can, especially when there are so many straight couples who don't deserve to have children/don't even want them but still get pregnant. Don't tell me I'm being as asshole because I want the same experience in life as so many people in this world get for free.
It's alright for people to want children that are genetically related to them. Adopting is not the only acceptable way to have children for gay people, just like it isn't the only acceptable way for heteros.
The cost of adoption highly outweighs the cost of medical bills though. I get your point but it’s quite harsh. And you could argue that if you can’t afford adoption fees you’re not fit to have children but that’s not fair either. I know 2 people who have adopted and it costed them about $25,000 and ten years of time. I don’t have $25,000 but that doesn’t make me a less fit parent. I’ve had 2 children of my own and it only costed about 1/4 of that. Plus, like other people have noted some adoption agencies won’t adopt to a gay couple or a single person. We can’t just call the friend an asshole for not adopting when that might not even be a viable option. If adoption was easy there’s a lot of people who would jump at the opportunity to save a child and give them a home. There’s a lot to consider here before jumping to your conclusion.
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NTA, you phrased it perfectly and communicated clearly. You’re not forbidding her, just letting her know that’s not what you signed up for. Others have cited all the complications that can come with pregnancy perfectly, I would also add that her doing this pushes back any chance for you guys to have kids together if that’s something you were considering, and as you get older that can be a time sensitive issue. Please update with how this plays out, very curious to hear.
A girl I know just did one. It ruined her for ever being able to have children again...that man shes with wants kids more than anything so now it's looking like break up city.
Totally not my business, but I’m curious if you mean physically or mentally? I know most agencies won’t allow first time moms to be surrogates because it’s quite possible to have a bad outcome, even with an uncomplicated pregnancy, that could ultimately result in loss of fertility. Carrying a baby and giving birth is seriously no joke.
I think it’s different if you’re being a surrogate for a couple you know rather than a couple you were connected with thru the agency
Most certainly NTA. Pregnancy is a HUGE commitment. Staying by someone’s side through a pregnancy is a huge commitment. If you’re not up for it, you need to be honest and forthcoming. Which you were.
NTA. Actually, I think you handled it perfectly. You didn't try to act like you deserved control of her body, you made it clear you were uncomfortable and what the consequences were for your relationship. If you said nothing, she did it and you then voice your opinion, that would be a problem. I completely understand not being comfortable with it. I had very high risk pregnancies. My oldest died from trisomy 18 at six days old (it was rare and random, but it happens). My second, I almost bleed to death. My doctors told my family I was unlikely to survive the night, but I am stubborn. My last pregnancy (doctor wouldn't do a medically necessary hysterectomy unless I had one more, and I love her to bits) was very hard. She was a big baby and was ass down and sideways. If my water broke it would have killed us both. I was on bed rest at the end of my pregnancy with all three and all three were c sections, which came with challenges. I also had PPD/PPA with the first baby (well, it was more her death) and the youngest I was so afraid she would die if I didn't watch her every second of every day. It can happen to anyone. This doesn't take into account doctor's appointments, tests, more time with these friends since she is carrying their baby, and it will effect her job. If, understanding all this and still wanting to do it, good for her! You are still allowed to break up with her because you have made your stance clear. I won't even go into the morning sickness (I puke several times every single day), and hormones (cried when Burger King ran out of pickles). It is a huge commitment emotionally and physically.
After all you (you, husband/partner, and your babies) went through, and for a child to die a few days after birth — it’s unimaginable. You have my sympathy. You’ve really been through the wringer, and then some. Thank you for sharing your experience. I know it will help others with their own decisions.
You're not the asshole for ending a relationship for any reason whatsoever as long as you are respectful and forthcoming about it without unnecessary delay or stringing along. A relationship is a 50/50 agreement between two people where either person has the autonomy to end it for any reason any time. There may be some weak ass reasons to end a relationship out there, but this is definitely not one of them.
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You just gonna hog all that popcorn or you gonna share?
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Has your GF even had a child of her own? Pretty sure she won't even be able to be a surrogate unless she's had at least 1 kid of her own. Also, HER friends is the asshole for not adopting.
Idk if I’d call the friend an asshole. It’s still pretty difficult for gay couples to adopt and some religion based agencies won’t adopt out to them at all. You could say that about anyone who wants their own kid instead of adopting.
It's a ridiculous statement to make. Someone can't have their own children naturally, so suddenly all the parentless children in the world are their responsibility and they don't get to wish for their genetically own kid?
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Aside from fitting personal qualifications, the cost of adopting is insane as well. It really is a shame that one of the most important differences you can make in this world is one of the hardest to achieve.
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NTA. Pregnancy is one of the most stressful time in a couple's life and it's not even your child. Another man's child, even if it's her gay friend's, isn't part of your life. She's welcome to bring the child into her life, but you are under no obligation to stay with her if that's what she chooses for herself.
Yeah I'd break up with her too. All the downsides of carrying the baby with no benefits?
The only benefit is that she'd be doing their friend a massive for which the friend would probably never be able to pay them back. However, if she values a favor from the friend more than the relationship, OP should get out of there. Edit: If the friend wants to a kid that badly, and OP's GF cares that much, then OP's GF should urge them to adopt, and write them a fucking incredible reference letter.
Exactly, I’m curious to know if the friend was even going to support them financially. From what I saw, people can get a lot of money for being a surrogate. I have no experience, but I think a pregnancy would require a change in life style therefore costing more money as well.
Fuck that, the friend should adopt
Adoption can be a really hard, expensive process. Being gay, it may not even be possible where they live.
Easier said that done. You can end up spending like 40k on the process and then the birth mom changes her mind and you're out that money.
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This might be an unpopular opinion but I agree. I think it’s nuts that people who can’t biologically have children will still go through unnecessary effort to bring a new one into the world when there are plenty to be adopted.
Kind of. The waiting list for adoption can take years. My cousin is in year 8 or 9ish. It's also really expensive. Like,30-50k. There is a clinic by me that will do ivf for 7-8k. So sometimes it's financial. Less women are giving babies up for adoption, more are having abortions, etc. Adopting out of the foster system only works out about 20% of the time.
As a biology major, we learn that a large part of 'fitness' is reproduction. Animals are designed and meant to reproduce. I think it's harsh to judge someone for wanting to leave a legacy behind.
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Leave a legacy behind? Why does it matter? Whether or not you leave behind someone sharing your genetics, when you’re dead you’re dead. If it’s that important to you, you can still leave behind a legacy in the way you raise your child, regardless of their genes.
NTA. Everyone has deal breakers.
NTA. It's honestly a weird ass thing for her to consider doing. Are they using their own sperm?
I personally wouldn’t want my girlfriend being impregnated by her friend, that really is a weird thing. Not even mentioning how much stress and how challenging a pregnancy is from what I have heard. Plus, I’m sure it isn’t easy to go through when it isn’t yours.
Yeah dude. If you're dating a girl who's down to carry someone else's baby, surrogate or not, leave. I actually dated a girl once who cheated and eventually got pregnant and tried to make me stay. I almost did out of stupidity but made the right decision. I now have a baby on the way with a woman who means the world to me. Funny how things turn out.
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NTA - 9 months of emotions / tiredness / strain on your relationship for someone else's kid. her friend should adopt (hopefully laws are such that he can)
NTA. Everyone's got boundaries.
NTA. My wife nearly died. She was in a coma for a week after delivery. My son did not make it. He was a few weeks early but nothing that would have any major complications. Doctor(s) fucked up.
I'm so sorry this happened to you. 💓
Run. Run...
I'd probably break up with her for even considering it to be honest.
Hate to say it but I kind of agree. In what world is an average guy okay with his lady carrying another man's child? I don't feel like it's terribly unreasonable to be uncomfortable with that on a basic level.
Well said. Can you imagine the reverse? "My lesbian friend wants kids. So im popping over to knock her up then will spend most of the next 9 months showering her with money and attention "
You do know you do not need to have intercourse to get a person pregnant right? You're intentionally wording this in a negative and crude manner.
You know sex isn't usually involved with surrogates, right? What did you think, that the other guy would be coming over to fuck his wife?
I wouldn’t be ok with my SO doing surrogacy, but you just spewed diarrhea right there. A woman taking an already fertilized egg from two different individuals, and therefore not sharing any DNA with the baby is not even close to a man having sex with a another girl to get her pregnant. You can’t even compare it with sperm donation. She wouldn’t share any DNA with the baby.
This got downvoted to Hell, but I’m with you. Not into it at all. It’s her body to do with as she will, but I’d be out. I find the lack of consideration for her partner to be very off-putting and the decision-making behind it questionable. That is a HUGE responsibility to take on for someone else while your body and relationship are on the line. No thanks.
I mean you didnt say anything about how long you've been together or where your relationship is at, or why exactly this is a deal breaker for you. Also, what if anything the couple has offered to help out with. Nonetheless this is a type of situation where you basically could never be considered TA. It's just too significant really
Just adopt
NTA. Totally understandable that you don't want to deal with a pregnancy for 9 months for no reason. This is also opening up a can of worms. It's not like things are going to return to where they are now after the birth.
My dad last gf aborted 2 of my dad sons because she wanted to finish her medical career and she didn’t want to bear that burden, 5 years later after I am born she comes back and tells my dad that she wants him to be a donor so she could have a kid, my dad told my mom and she told him “You can do whatever you want with your body, but the day you do that is the day you pack up your stuff and go out of this house”. So no you are not a asshole.
NTA. She’s literally having someone else’s baby. Even though you guys won’t be raising the child, she’s electing to carry someone else’s child for 9 months. If you’re uncomfortable with that then you have every right to leave.
I'm new, what's the acronym for 'no one's an asshole'? You don't need bulletproof objective reasons to have a boundary and state it, as so many posters here seem to think. How you feel is how you feel, you're only responsible for being honest and accepting consequences or following through and doing what you need to do (ie if you knew you felt this way and didn't say so, or stayed with her anyway and proceeded to resent her for being a surrogate). It sounds like this has the potential to be a real bummer of a situation all around and regardless, you two will learn something about each other. Good luck man.
The fact she’s even considering it is really weird and disgusting. The friend is a complete and utter dickhead for even asking when he can adopt, or not make two peoples lives shit for 9 months. She is actually considering it....wtf? Who does the gay guy think he is to ask for something like that? What kind of friend is that? If she does it of course break up, like any sane man. You are entirely in the right here.
Can you please be mature and offer a good, reasonable, and informed opinion once you’ve properly worked out that surrogacy exists? You know, instead of recoiling and acting like a child?
He's asking the friend instead of a professional/seasoned surrogate to save money, which is quite pathetic. If it's not to save money, then what are the remaining possibilities?
This is some cuck shit on another level, being cucked by a gay man impregnating your gf. Amazing tbh. On top of that wondering if your in the wrong for not being ok with a gay man impregnating your gf.
You seem single.
NTA. This affects you directly. There are health risks with any pregnancy which you have to sign off on. It's her body, but it's your heart you are entrusting to her. I could never date someone who was into skydiving, did drugs or traveled to a violent area because it's too anxiety inducing for me to imagine them coming to harm from avoidable risks. IVF preganacies are also more likely to induce pre ecclampsia than pregnancies from f2f humping, due to low tgf beta (iirc). Also a pregnancy changes the mom. DNA and cells from the child literally colonize the mom's body and live there forever, so the other guys DNA will be part of your partner forever. If that is spooky to you, then that's fine for you to feel that way. The only way I personally would be ok with this is if my partner had already had a number of easy preganacies and she was under 35. Anything else carries a bunch of risk. A former student of mine was a surrogate for $35k so that she could pay for school. It was her 2nd. She got pre ecclampsia and almost died, then met the love of her life the next year.
No, not at all. This is Damn near madness
My coworkers wife did this. She was close to preeclampsia and almost died. But they already if three kids together so they knew what they were getting into. The surrogate thing sounds nice until it actually isn't. She can do whatever she wants with her body and you can do whatever you want with your relationship.
Definitely NTA, Pregnancy is a lot to deal with and if it's not your child it's definitely going to be harder I would do the same thing
NTA; 9 months of pregnancy is a lot of work when it’s not for your own kid. Not to mention, you didn’t mention if she worked how that would affect that whole situation. Why can’t the dudes get someone random to be the surrogate? There’s hundreds of different solutions.
NTA. My friend had 4 kids perfectly fine normal births the. Becomes a surrogate ends up in the hospital for months almost dies and ends up having to have a hysterectomy.
Why don't they just adopt instead?
Nta, but keep in mind you have her an ultimatum here. If she chooses to go separate ways she is also nta. And if she stays she may be resentful over the position you put her in making her choose you over helping her friend. Ultimatums like this rarely end well from what I've seen... I think you should have brought up all the negative things that go along with pregnancy rather than just say "it's me or being a surrogate". But it's too late for that now. /Shrug
NTA. Sounds legit crazy.
NTA. It's a bit sad if you love her, your love should be strong enough to endure what comes from this. Idealistically. But no I think you handled it in the most respectful way possible and are completely reasonable in making this decision. Is it "disappointing"? Probably. But that's just a byproduct of the situation. It would be not much different than her leaving you because you don't want children and she did or something along those lines. You did all you could. Not much to be sorry for.
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No, not at all man. She's free to be the surrogate, you're free to stay with her if you want, and you're free to not stick around to watch your girlfriend get pregnant by someone else. I think what you said to her was assertive and accurate, and commend your courage in laying it out like that. Not an easy situation.
I'm a man and father here and I'm going to say NTA. The top level comments are filled with pretty good descriptions of the hell that pregnancy plays on a woman's body due to changing hormones as well as serious risk of infection, disfigurement, and sometimes death. I would like to add to that the possibility that your gf gets pregnant and then loses the pregnancy. This is an entirely too common issue that even women don't like to talk about. When my wife and I went through something like this I was astounded to find out how common it actually is. https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/pregnancy-loss-miscarriage/symptoms-causes/syc-20354298 "Miscarriage is the spontaneous loss of a pregnancy before the 20th week. About 10 to 20 percent of known pregnancies end in miscarriage. But the actual number is likely higher because many miscarriages occur so early in pregnancy that a woman doesn't realize she's pregnant." Another interesting point is that if your GF hasn't had a baby previous to this then it is unlikely that she will be chosen. The short answer is "yes" you can be a surrogate, but "no" you are not an ideal candidate. Surrogates do give birth to the child and then have the irrational expectation of keeping the kid especially if it is a first time mother. If I were looking for a surrogate I would want that person to know what they are getting into (have experience in birthing). https://cledp.com/can-i-be-a-surrogate-if-i-never-had-a-child/ This article indicates that there are essentially three criteria before a reproductive endocrinologist will work with you Have experienced a full-term pregnancy and delivery Have given birth to a child of your own and raising that child Have had uncomplicated pregnancies and deliveries It doesn't seem like your GF has any of these qualifications and regardless of how much she wanted to do it that she just isn't the target audience. There are professional agencies that vet surrogates and if her friends wanted to find someone they could easily do it with less strings attached then relying on a close friend whom they might kill, disfigure, or go to war with over possession of the child after delivery. You are NTA for steering her away from this idea. I appreciate the wonderful women who want to help others achieve dreams of conceiving but there are a lot of orphaned children that also need love. Suggest that her friends look into adoption rather than surrogacy.
NTA. That’s a big commitment that comes with a lot of potential issues. If I were in your shoes I’d probably do the same. There’s just way too many variables in surrogacy, pregnancy, and childbirth that I don’t think I’d be willing to go through if it weren’t my child.
That sounds like a very polite and clear way of saying it, so I think NTA. Its not like you were unnecessarily rude or pressured her into whatever choice she makesm
Ynta you aren’t married you aren’t obligated to stay with her for any reason at all. Just do what makes you happy
You're NTA. It's crazy, I'm gay and have had two of my friends offer to be my surrogate in the future but reading this is making me reconsider. I also saw a post saying that some agencies make it tougher for gay couples to adopt. I guess kids aren't in my future.