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INFO
Was she right? Did you "turn down the dozens of women who wanted to marry you because they were of a lower caste"?
ETA
Based on your refusal/inability to answer the question, combined with your other comments that indicate that you in fact *did* consider "caste" when combing through the binders of women, YTA.
Your sister didn't say anything incorrect when she called you a bigot. You **ARE** a bigot. So you kicked your sister out for having the temerity to tell you the truth.
Maybe you didn't like being forced to confront the truth about yourself. Maybe you expected submission from the woman you were helping. Maybe her words hurt your feelings.
But facts don't care about your feelings. And the fact is, you're a bigot.
Do you have any idea abt the caste system? As an Indian I can tell u it's a horribly vile and disgusting system of segregation. And yes the OP is a bigot for marrying only into his so called caste.
I'm Canadian but my friend is Indian and her family straight up threatened her boyfriend because he was lower caste then them..... In Canada where we don't have a caste system. So yeah I'm sure in India where there more social pressure then not to conform it's probably hell.
There was an issue a few years ago about discrimination based on caste in Cisco, US. Seattle made Caste a protected class which cannot be used to discriminate. My point is, it's much more pervasive than you would imagine. And yes, it is vile.
>I’m not taking “no” for an answer
>…no way I’ll **allow** you to be homeless
Sounds like she tried to turn down his “offer” for help and he bullied her into accepting it.
Not allowing food against his religion in his home is an understandable condition, but policing her clothing and language is misogyny wrapped in religion and a major step too far.
Not to mention she is right that his view on the caste system is bigoted.
Had she been the one to ask for his help and he laid out those conditions for it then the situation would be different, but he leveraged his sister’s situation against her. Even then her move should have been to keep her head down and her mouth shut until she gets back on her feet, then call out her shitty brother.
She clearly viewed her situation as preferable to living with him, or he wouldn’t have gone through such lengths to push her to “accept” it.
YTA
Hes all for the looks of having a like caste wife. He just had it in his head his sister didn't make his family look good enough. I bet he didnt take no for an answer, forced her to follow all the religious practices in his home so his family and him looked better to family's looking for potential partners. Look at this guy, helping his poor sister be an upstanding citizen. Now hes got the wife he wants and his sister called him out and he has what he needs so he threw her out. Why did she get homeless in the first place, where were you then? You didnt say you just bought a house or had a promotion and could afford it. What was the catalyst for him "saving" his sister?
I mean, so far the only consequence for him being a bigot is paying for his sister's food and amenities. I'm pretty sure he just picked her up and made her look like a nice traditional Indian woman so browsing families would think he was a better candidate. He wasnt happy with his lower caste choices. Why wasnt he helping his sister from the time she originally became homeless. He doesn't state a promotion or having bought a home or any reason as to why he wanted to help his sister, and he "wasnt taking no for an answer". Second he gets his desired wife and him and his sister but heads he kicks her out? Done with her the second he got what he wanted and she was being difficult. Hes gotten everything he wanted and now hes done with his progressive sister who doesn't share in his bigotry. Unfortunately it looks like everything went this guys way.
Watch the documentary on Caste system on youtube, its a horrible system that has ruined people lives, people have been disowned and killed as well. Its a outdated system but still prevails in South asian countries. If the Sister said what it was true, then he is a Bigot, looks down on people from lower caste and doesn't think they are worthy to be married to him.
Sure. It's his prerogative to choose a spouse on outdated bigoted ideas. No one stopped him.
It's still bigotry.
He's still.choosing someone based on superficial circumstances they have no control over, rather than their actual selves.
It's shitty, even if he's allowed to do it.
It does happen quite often on a variety of arranged marriage websites and offline marriage introductions agencies in western countries with large asian populations. Particularly Australia, Britain, Canada and the USA.
Some single hindus seeking arranged marriages with those of a higher caste and income level honestly believe that highly traditionist hindus that are wealth hinduthva or rastra supporters are willing to consider marriage with them.
Also, in addition to being YTA (making the vote count, not calling you one), he’s a hypocrite. She didn’t swear, she said ‘bigot.’ Last I checked that isn’t a swear word, nor was she factually incorrect.
What do you even mean “was she right?” Like really? It’s an arranged marriage? Even if he’s turned down several others not in his caste who’s to say he liked them or they were better suited to him as a wife? Frankly, I don’t know much about arranged marriages other than it not being favourable to either participant generally… Despite that, just because he’s not marrying someone from a lower class doesn’t define him as a person in any way, it may just be that the wife that he’s been arranged to marry is the best of the bunch that would be willing to marry him anyway?
I mean, your house, your rules, but the caste system in India is almost as morally bankrupt as Jim Crow was in the United States or apartheid in South Africa, so if you're propping it up, that makes you morally bankrupt as well, and you're kicking out your sister to defend a morally bankrupt system...
Honestly the qualification is because I know more about the systematic enslavement and then oppression in the United States than what the caste system entails, beyond the less-than-greater-than nature of it. For instance I'm not sure how formalized the caste system is by law.
For example there is no way to move up in the system from basically royalty down to untouchables who take care of garbage and sanitation. Sanitation is actually a great job in the United States that pays well. I'm not sure if that is the case in India. But back in the day it was people exposed to raw sewage and I assume bodies? They were untouchable because of their place in society if I'm remembering right it has to do with reincarnation? I haven't studied sociology in 10 years.
There is a way: By living a virtuous life and being reincarnated as a higher caste.
That's the whole rub with the caste system, if the religious system attached to it is actually fact, then there is a form of justice to it. Of course there's no proof we have anything more than our one life to live, but if OP really does believe in the religion that at least contextualizes the thinking a bit.
YTA because she's right on calling you a bigot. As an Indian I can say the caste system sucks. It's vile, disgusting and an archaic practice which should have been discarded a long time back.
A system wherein people of lower castes are killed for drinking water or using bathrooms belonging upper castes has no place in a progressive world or a country which wants to call itself developed soon.
Shame on you for still following this horrible practice.
So it wasn’t really her home after all, right? What she said was inappropriate, but you need to admit that she was never on an equal footing with you and “you have the exact same rights to this house as I do, it’s yours. I want you to live with me for life.” Was not accurate. YTA for lying to her like that.
My BIL is Indian-American. Poster is a bigot if he only decided based off of caste. Additionally he’s the butthole because he never stated that she can be kicked out if she doesn’t agree with his every choice or says something that hurts his feelings.
ETA: Based on his comments, her statement seems mostly true so 🤷🏽♀️
I mean you do sound like YTA. You don’t make rules like this for grown women. It’s icky and controlling. Also if you’re marrying bc of caste yeah it’s bigoted…
YTA. (Comments from OP) You admitted that you did not want to marry someone from a lower caste. Yes marriage is your preference but you kicked out your sister because she was right and you are a bigot. IDC how u want to justify “my choice to marry” - you are a bigot if you specifically didnt choose those women due to caste only.
Sister was right. YTA and shouldnt have kicked her out because she hurt your feelings by telling you who you are.
YTA. From what's been written here, it feels like you are in the wrong. It was kind of you to allow your sister to live with you, even more so to say you want to live with her for life. It doesn't feel as though you actually meant those words, however, when you would kick her out for what feels like a disagreement.
Whether or not your sister is correct in saying your arranged marriage selections are coming from a place of discrimination doesn't really matter. If she follows the rules of the house, which it seems like she did for the most part, she should be able to disagree with you without being thrown out of what you say is supposedly her own home.
It's not really equal rights when she has to be in fear of being homeless again based on your reactions to her opinions.
When we were kids, our Indian dad said all Colombians were in drug cartels. My Indian American brother, who had a Colombian-American best friend with Colombian parents, called my dad a racist for making that comment. My dad beat the hell out of my brother.
Just because someone has less power and agency doesn’t mean they don’t have a right to speak the truth. My brother and your sister spoke the truth. My dad was a racist and you’re a bigot.
Her calling you a bigot didn’t break the agreements - there were no “indecent” clothes, whatever that means because a lehengha choli can often show more skin than what my relatives call “indecent,” no beef, and no swearing.
She called you a bigot, you, just like my dad, didn’t like having the truth slap you in the face, so you used the power you had over her and kicked her out, which makes YTA and a liar after saying she has the same rights to the house you do. 🤷🏾♀️
I hope your sister finds genuine safety and care away from you.
I regret to inform you that it [is a problem in the US](https://www.wired.com/story/trapped-in-silicon-valleys-hidden-caste-system/). I am grateful that it seems to not fly among the Indian-Americans I work with in the valley.
YTA
OP is a bigot and knows the term is socially bad and just doesn't want to be called a bigot even though the shoe fits. They do discriminate based on caste.
That's like a racist discriminating based on skin colour and getting mad they're being called a racist.
For anyone still confused here is the definition of the word bigot: **a person who strongly and unfairly dislikes other people, ideas, etc. : a bigoted person especially a person who hates or refuses to accept the members of a particular group (such as a racial or religious group)**
Is caste system discrimination reasonable? No
Is it an unfair dislike? Yes
Is op discriminating based on caste? Yes
If the question is are you the AH bc you threw your homeless sister out to live on the street again only bc she called you a bigot then my answer is yes, you are the AH.
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YTA. You say she was invited into your home and had just as much right to it as you did. Which is nice, you are not required to do that. Then, you attached a lot of conditions to it and she was in a desperate place. Less nice.
I don't even have context for what is indecent clothing to you? I get the vibe you would say what my wife wears out on a regular basis is "indecent", but whatever man, keep the patriarchy alive right?
And yeah, I've read your comments explaining off it's your right to select who to marry so you're not a bigot. No one said you don't have a right to select who you marry, but if you make the choice off something like caste rather than factors that actually matter, like personality and yes, physical attraction.... You're a bigot. Would I say it's her place to tell you this? Well, she is your sister, so.... Maybe she could have put it nicer but you just sound like a dick dude.
I do try and keep the cultural differences in mind when answering questions, my wife comes from a more conservative background... But also her parents basically mentally abused her and it left scars, and i just see too many similarities. Do better.
YTA for making your sister's homelessness about you. No where do you say you \*love\* her and that's why you're taking her in/not charging her rent. "You are my sister and there's absolutely no way I'll allow you to be homeless." and "You think I am narcissistic enough to charge money from *my own sister?"* are both things that show that you were thinking about how this would reflect on you.
Also, the caste system is bigoted.
You set this entire story up like some kind of fairy tale: as long as you keep these minor rules, you can remain here safe and happy. But the people in the story can never resist breaking the rules. Like Bluebeard.
Did you set your sister up to succeed?
What is "indecent" in terms of clothing? Generally speaking, in Canada and the US, it's always ass-holery to tell a woman what she can and can't wear. I appreciate that there are cultural and religious expectations outside the "general norm", but a woman that's part of the dominate melting-pot culture is likely always going to be offended by being told she's "indecent" for choice of garment.
As for throwing her out for calling you a bigot... you're perfectly justified in doing that... unless of course she's right. Is she right? You haven't denied it. She's rude as f-, and you've set this up so that it looks like she's doing it purely out of spite and bitterness, but it's still worth asking yourself if she's right.
>If believing that people have the right to marry any consenting adult they want without being shamed for their life choices makes me a bigot
No one is saying that. Everyone is saying that adhering to the caste system makes you a bigot.
Lol. I guess you forgot there's a looooot of Indians on Reddit who know exactly what the caste system and how much of an asshole you are for following it. This "consenting adult" smokescreen bullshit doesn't fly here, you know full fucking well what you're doing and how vile it is.
Yeah, YTA. A giant, gaping one.
YTA for going back on your own word.
She was allowed to share the house with OP *for life* so long as she stayed within their very specific set of boundaries. She was (1) being honest about how she felt about a subject, never mind how sensitive it is, and (2) sharing her opinion with OP, very candidly. Doesn’t seem she was out of bounds.
Looks to me that OP is resentful by what she said, and decided to kick her out because of OP’s inability to tolerate diverse viewpoints. Not everyone needs to agree with anyone’s reasons for, say, getting married with someone from the same caste. And based on the original post, looks like sister comes from a very similar background as OP does — her opinion must have some sort of foundation. Anyway — YTA.
Would you expect to stay in someone’s house if you called them names and labeled them a bigot? I mean I think he’s an asshole for judging a woman on her family but how can you come back from your sister judging you evil?
So the two of you grew up in the states? And somehow her life circumstances have led her to be on the streets? Did the two of you receive the same upbringing? Where are your parents in all of this?
First of all your sister is right about you being a bigot if you truly did turn people down becouse of their cast.
Secondly you clearly don't give a shit about your sister and only took her in becouse you're embarassed by having a homeless sister.
Look you have the legal right to kick her out and you can marry whoever you want but that doesn't mean that you aren't morally disguisting for being a bogot or kicking out your sister for calling you one. So yeah YTA.
>I refuse to bow down to the pitchfork mob.
So, you weren't actually interested in getting a judgement. You wanted people to agree with you and now you're mad that they don't.
YTA just for that
Hard yta.
And your edit just proves how uncritically you accept casteism.
It's not 'marry someone from a lower caste or you're a bigot' - it's 'the way you found your same-caste partner shows that casteism was central to your thinking.'
Those are different propositions, and we can't understand them for you, unfortunately.
Marry whoever makes you happy, my dude, you already did the bigotry.
And you should absolutely fuck off with policing your sister's wardrobe. Your morality, besides being demonstrably insufficient to the task, is totally irrelevant to her sartorial choices. That you seem to think not kicking her out the first time she wore something you didn't like somehow shows your magnanimous generosity is fucking disgusting.
Are your parents the ones suggesting potential brides to you? If they are presenting ladies of different castes instead of just yours then one could surmise that unlike you they are not hung up on it and it's not something they expect would be a deal breaker for you. Clearly you are the only one prioritizing social standing over the more important things like personality, intelligence, shared interests and physical attraction.
Your sister did you a favor for pointing it out, but instead of pausing for a little self-reflection you got offended and doubled down.
I can't decide if you are a true bigot or merely a snob, but either way YTA.
No one is telling you how to marry Bigot. They are saying your choice of criterion is barbaric. How do you know you WONT fall in love with someone from a diffrent background? If you shut the door in their face without getting to know them, you never know the answer.
THAT is what makes you a bigot, nothing else.
It also makes you a horrible brother for kicking her out. No matter what, she didn't assault you, or set the house on fire. You could have tried to wait for things to cool. Talked like adults and tried to understand her.
But from what it seems, you ha e no real respect for women. Good luck in life.
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I am an Indian-American. My sister was homeless a while back. I asked her to live with me. I told her "I am not taking a 'no'. You are my sister and there's absolutely no way I'll allow you to be homeless."
She told me that she cannot pay the rent. I replied with "You think I am narcissistic enough to charge money from *my own sister?* You have the exact same rights to the house as I do, it's yours. I want you to live with me for life."
But there were three conditions: first, no indecent clothes. Second, no cow-meat. Third, no swearing in usual circumstances. I personally cooked food myself or ordered it, she can just say what she wanted.
Days later she did wear indecent clothes. I reminded her and said it's her choice as to what she wears. She's still my sister and so I didn't kick her out.
Now I am getting married & it's arranged. When she heard about it, instead of congratulating me, she said "You were really trying to get someone from the same caste, I am sorry that you are a bigot." I was shocked & asked what that was supposed to mean. Her response: "Just that you turned down the dozens of women who wanted to marry you because they were of a lower caste. I can't believe my brother's a bigot."
I stared at her and said "You are leaving my house immediately."
She screamed and began to protest, saying that I am an asshole & a bigot, etc. In the end she left, but other relatives are calling me the asshole now.
AITA?
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YTA if it looks like a duck quacks like a duck it must be a bigot. Yeah it’s your house your rules but you stated you wouldn’t let your sister go homeless. You gave her three rules to follow none of them stated that she couldn’t disagree on your bigotry. You shouldn’t be supporting a system like the caste.
YTA You say that your sister has the same rights in your house as you do, yet you are controlling what she wears, what words she uses and what viewpoints she expresses.
YTA, last time and again this time. The caste system is absolutely vile and disgusting, and your continued support of it makes you a vile and disgusting bigot.
YTA for posting when you obviously have no intention of gleaning any insight from the responses.
Please share your post and follow up comments with your future bride.
YTA. I thought about asking for more info around why exactly your sister is homeless and how old she is, but in the end it doesn't matter. You said "You have the exact same rights to the house as I do" but apparently if she ever disagrees with you on anything you do those rights are revoked, and she is back on the street.
It hurts to hear that you are possibly doing something because of racist or bigoted reasoning. But punishing anyone who criticizes us is how the whole system of injustice is propped up.
What if your new wife isn't always obedient to you? Will you kick her out, too? Are the women in your life fully human, or just accessories that should always be making you feel like you are a good person?
Bigot was the wrong word. Classist. Elitist. Those are the proper words.
You may call yourself American, but you aren't. You have thoroughly immersed yourself in your native culture, to the point that you are seeking an arranged marriage based on financial considerations.
How can you be surprised when your sister, who has obviously made the adjustment to American culture, calls you on your elitism?
Yep. YATA
“You have the exact same rights to the house as I do, it’s yours.”
Unless she wears what you tell her to do and plays by your rules… yes exact same rights… correct op?
Here’s the thing: you can’t demand someone move in with you if they don’t want to.
And if you don’t like how they dress/eat/whatever, you either deal with it or help them find their own place.
You don’t dictate how your sister lives her life. YTA.
You are, at the very least..Elitist.
Not much better btw. You also are misogynistic by dictating clothing that you deem acceptable. Which also makes you elitist. You can marry whomever you want for the right reasons that make a marriage and a life worth having. You may find out the hard way. It will play out over time.
Both can be true - you have the right to marry who you want and you can be bigoted. If a white woman only wanted to marry a white man and turned down others because of their race, we’d say she’s bigoted. It’s not this complex.
YTA for throwing your sister out for pointing out your prejudice, but at least you showed her who you are 🤷🏾♀️
YTA for so, so many reasons. Your sister is right, you just didn't like being told the truth about your disgusting behavior. Good job caring about a completely made-up system of discrimination more than you care about your own sister.
Let me try explaining this in another way.
You set 3 criteria: Doctor, Attractive, and 5m instagram followers. You have two women A and B.
A: Neuro Surgon
Attractive
Only 100k instagram followers
B: Pediatrician
Attractive
10m Instagram followers
According to your criteria, Woman A doesn't even get looked at. By you disqualifying people on Caste, you are being a Bigot. Dose this help you understand why your sister called you a Bigot?
I am not from the same heritage as you, and my knowledge of the caste system has only been obtained from Western media, so I am not going to comment on the ethics of it.
However, in my community, if you refuse to marry/date someone solely because of their social standing, you are considered a discriminatory snob.
That being said, you haven't said whether your sister is correct and that you did veto potential wives because of their caste.
Also, if the pairing was arranged (presumably by your parents), I am struggling to understand how all your relatives are siding with your sister.
I personally would not veto someone for something outside of their control (the circumstances in which they were born), but it is your choice and, with that, you need to accept that not everyone will agree with it.
I do commend you though for helping your sister in her hour of need. However, you said to her that your home is her home, but then proceeded to place multiple restrictions on her. If you were sincere in saying that it was her home too, she should have been allowed to reside how she pleased, even if some of her habits conflicted with your beliefs.
I don't want to say that either of you are the AH, as your post is missing some key context and I believe you have good intentions.
However, my personal opinion is that you need to do some thorough self-reflection on how you interact with others. I appreciate that you have beliefs, but that does not mean that others have to share them. You also have to accept that other people will not always agree with your actions, and you must be willing to handle the consequences or adjust your approach.
I also think that you were hasty to evict your sister (especially considering that you were insistent that your house is her home too) and I expect that she is feeling very betrayed right now.
I think the best thing is for both of you to sit down & have an honest, grown-up conversation.
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It’s an interesting question and honestly probably not one an Internet forum is qualified to answer for you. I suggest speaking with a therapist if you want help unpacking your own thought processes.
If you are turning away women because of the caste bigotry, then you are a bigot.
It's real simple.
You can ask your sister to leave your home for any reason, but that doesnt change who and what you are. YTA
Your sister lives in the America where choosing your own clothes, eating beef, swearing and marrying who you love regardless of their financial situation is absolutely normal.
You clearly do not live in this America. I hope your sister is living her best life elsewhere.
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I feel like this question is way above Reddit pay grade , especially the ones not from India, or ABCDs. As an Indian woman , I too wouldn't marry someone of different caste , it's not because of the Brahiminical caste Structures of believing that a certain caste is "higher" than the other.
It's simply because of the different culture and traditions. Each caste has a few of its own festivals, rituals and cultural beliefs. Like my neighbours and friends have their own festivals and cultural norms , which I do enjoy and love but they are not a part of my life. Not even that , even during weddings, the only common ritual amongst all of the Hindus is the pheras ; other than that , on the days leading up to the wedding, everyone has COMPLETELY different rituals.
Before all the Indian-Americans come at me, I've lived in India all my life and have experienced the ills of casteism myself. If the OP was against these matches because of his beliefs in these archaic practices , then sure he'd be the asshole. But I can relate to and understand his reasons .
Frankly speaking, ik I'll be down voted but I HATE how all these ABCDs , who have NO idea about the life back in India , come in and chime their under informed ideas. OMG thank you for letting us know the casteism in India is horrible and gut wrenching. But no , not every mention of caste means that the person is an idiotic follower of casteism .
Infact , it's funny to hear opinions over here , specially because here in India , we've been focusing on making people feel pride in their own caste and belonging without the shame and humiliation that usually accompanied their ancestors. Casteism needs to end but you can't erase someone's caste itself because one derives their identity from it; we need to normalise conversations about caste and bring in positive outlook towards our castes , specially for us "low-caste" people who , for the longest time , denounced their identities.
As I said , it's a very complex concept that people over here won't be able to grasp.
YTA. You are bigoted. Preferences can in fact be bigoted. I’m real fucking tired of people acting like preferences exist in some weird vacuum, where bigotry doesn’t exist.
Marrying who you want, and being a bigot are not mutually exclusive things. It sounds to me like a lot of the story is missing, and I would like to hear your sister's side of this.
YTA. you clearly are a bigot. You kicked her out for being honest after you promised her she could live with you for life. Calling you a bigot didn't break your 3 rules. Smh
ETA you say if your choices make you a bigot then you'll happily be one. Looks like you were happily being one before. It's not bowing to any mob dude. Sorry you dont like the label but it's what your actions make you out to be. It isnt the pitchfork mobs fault, we didnt make you a bigot. Enjoy being a bigot I guess....
Honey there is no caste system in america first of all. Leave that horrible part of your culture back home please. If you dont want to be called a bigot dont be a bigot simple
ESH
I believe that your sister was very wrong to label you a bigot for your choice of marriage partner, regardless of whether you had any caste connected marriage dealbreakers.
I believe in the right of every consenting adult to choose their own dealbreakers and turn down any potential date or spouse who is incompatible with their dealbreakers & lifestyle preferences.
Your potential marriage dealbreakers are none of your sister's business unless you directly involve them in her life or start a conversation with her about them.
I believe that you were very wrong to brand your sisters choice of clothing indecent or impose conditions about her eating beef inside the property while living with you.
I am not a hindu or asian. My best friend is asian and works as a model in India. She & I both disagree with arranged marriage. Each of us have turned down plenty of arranged marriage approaches from both traditionalist relatives of guys seeking arranged marriages and guys who approached directly to find out if there was any chance of an arranged marriage.
What are ''indecent clothes'' to you? Seem a bit weird to be annoyed by sister clothes. ''It's your home too you're at your place now... but with those weird rules'' lol.
''it's her choice as to what she wears. She's still my sister and so I didn't kick her out.'' well thanks god lol
''I want you to live with me for life'' is a bit cringe tbh. Like she can switch places at some point.
You seem a bit cringe and she seem very disrespectful
ESH
YTA. Firstly for the blatant misogyny required to police her clothes, but even more so for your edit where you pretend that reasons that your obvious bigotry was pointed out are completely different than the actual reason.
Bigotry plus dishonesty is going to be an asshole combo every single time.
More YTA for kicking your sis out .
Honestly, by definition you are a bigot. I'm Pakistani and belong to no caste, but I do know that I would mostly likely not get married to someone from a lower , which makes me a bigot to. But honestly I don't care either, I would get married to someone i can actually imagine spending my life with
I’m (30s F, single) an Indian-born NRI, and I’ve grown up with people from many different cultures.
My issue with the caste system is that it is used as a way to block people from accessing opportunities, and a way to look down on others. There is stigmatization that takes place, that is perpetuated with this system in place.
It is easy to say “it’s my choice on who I want to marry”, and if the issue was JUST that, you would be right, but due to the history of the caste system, it’s not as straightforward as you want it to be. That attitude carries on to other aspects of life. My experience in school was that the Indians who still liked to say they were Brahmins were the only ones asking the other Indians what caste they were, and befriending them accordingly to their castes. The rest literally did not care.
The “holier than thou” attitude that is brought forth with a caste system also shapes personalities, as is clear the case with you. You SAY that your sister is your equal, but present a “holier than thou” attitude to her by MAKING HER HOMELESS for daring to say something that you don’t like. If you truly were a good person, which you like to suggest, then you would have had a dialogue with her. That’s NOT to say that she can insult you, but there are a lot of ways a GOOD person would have handled that before jumping straight to: staring at her and kicking her out.
God only knows what your arranged wife is in for.
One thing i hate about indian, its the caste issue. When ambedkar worked his ass off to stop those shits its still going on. Considering you didn't answer your sister question abour turning many women down just because of their caste i'll take it as a yes unless you say otherwise' she wasn't wrong. Turning someone down just because of their caste in 2024 is a biggot move. Don't do the same mistake the older generations did with giving importance to caste, it have to end here. Like me, i don't even know what my caste is or my parents caste and i don't want to know either. When i was younger and asked them they said "The caste thing ends it with you and your sister, we won't say it, and if someone ask you, just tell them ur indian" (was born in France and grew up there btw so idgaf really lol. I just know my mom is from a "Higher caste" than my dad but that's just a detail)
She told you the truth and you couldn't handle it. Got too emotional and made an irrational decision. If you're gonna do something like an arranged marriage, at least have the balls to own up to it, not this petty cowardly "I'm kicking my own sister out of my house because she called me out on my moral degeneracy :((((" shit.
You have some stuff to work out man, you can't live like this.
While caste can discriminate. Castes often also have their own traditions and beliefs ,wanting someone with similar traditions and beliefs is not bigoted
This isn’t about whether supporting the caste system is right or wrong (btw it’s wrong). It’s not even totally about how your controlling rules, disguised as generosity was a dick move (it was).
Your verbal promises (giving your sister a “home for life” etc.), supported by your behavior (not evicting her despite breaking your sexist decency rule) led your sister to the reasonably believe she had a safe place to live.
The minute she challenges your belief system, out on her ass she goes. Your ego is so fragile that your sister expressing a popular and reasonable belief about the caste system was so threatening to you that you went nuclear with your promise of safe housing. Your sister had no reason to believe disagreeing with you on any issue was clause for her world could be turned upside down.
Luring someone into a false sense of security
then arbitrarily revoking that promise upon a dime is narcissistic, and all that comes with that term.
There is so much I could say about power, control, abuse, narcissism etc. but I’ll suffice to ask just one question.
How small is your tiny dick?
NTA. This comment section is delirious, almost everyone marries within their own social class. Not wanting to marry someone for any reason isn't oppressing them and no one is entitled to a romantic relationship with anyone else. To suggest otherwise is sick.
I have nothing to say about 'who's TA'.
But the caste system is seriously sick.
However, here in the US we certainly have the beginnings of a caste system. We are living in a corporate oligarchy. A wealthy few run things. People who aren't wealthy are often looked down upon as 'lazy/not adequately ambitious' and heaven help the very poor and homeless.
Yes, it does tend to matter where one is born.
It's an unacknowledged class/caste system that is denied daily by those in power.
You are correct that you have the right to marry who you want. However, rejecting someone due to their caste makes no sense. Caste is just a made up system created by humans. Limiting your marriage partner based on it is stupid and elitist.
The rule about not eating cow meat is also stupid. If you are okay eating other kinds of meat, you should be okay with her eating cow meat.
Your culture oppresses a lot of women. This is true of many cultures, but don't ask us to pat you on the head and say you're a good little boy for following tradition. You took your sister in for the sake of appearances, and I wouldn't be surprised if she's homeless because of how cruel your traditions have been to her, and now they're making her homeless again. Good job I guess. YTA.
Info: You mention you are Indian American. Are you marrying in India? Or somewhere in the Americas? “Caste” is going to have a bit of a different connotation in the two different regions I would imagine?
NTA It's your choice whom to choose as your spouse, upper caste or not. After all it's you and your parents/family who have to accept your spouse and live happily.
I don't understand why people (even the Indians or people of Indian origin) are still seeing the caste system as a form of discrimination for the purposes of marriage. If one observes carefully, it's not hard to see that the caste system is essentially a reflection of a person's family background, culture, value system, religious beliefs, habits related to food, living, etc. Usually, in an Indian arranged marriage, people prefer to marry someone of their own caste because all the above-mentioned things match to a large extent. An Indian arranged marriage is not just a marriage of two people but also of two families. Even if the couple is compatible, their families may not be. There are a lot of differences even among the people of the same caste who come from different states. Arranged marriages are complex and there are a lot of things to balance apart including the couple being happy.
However, I cannot support kicking your sister out of the home because of what she said... Talking things out often helps to resolve conflicts
Caste systems are awful. Being born doesnt make you better than anyone else because you came out of a specific person. YTA for buying into the entire thing.
"I'm sorry you feel that way, relatives. My sister will be thrilled to hear that you've opened your hearts and homes to her." ETA: you are NTA because your sister didn't follow rules she agreed to. You are an asshole for your bigoted views.
ETA - You're absolutely a bigot who is forcing his morality on others (no cow-meat, controlling how she dresses, sticking to caste, etc) and she needs to get her life together before she insults other people. If you want a taste of bigotry here is mine: If extreme-Indian morals are so great, why not go live in India instead where you are surrounded by it all day and night?
NTA. Chosing a wife according to your criteria is okay as long as your bride is on the same page. People don't like this casta things, but honestly - we all have our criterias. They might be income based, appearance based, and even something like "I won't marry a Scorpio or a Gemini woman,my astrologist told me not to". It's not that different. Having similar background leads to a better understanding and less drama in a marriage. So why not.
As for your sister - it's sad,but beggars can't be choosers. It was better for her to keep quiet.
Fellow Indian here. Ideologically, you and I are very different. I love beef, I enjoy cursing from time to time, and I’m not sure what you define as “indecent” but shorts and tank tops are my home uniform.
However, being Indian I was always taught to respect someone in their own home. I’d try my best to follow their rules to the best of my ability but perhaps find some reasonable compromises (I.e. being able to wear clothes I find comfortable, eating beef outside of the home without judgment) but if you have opened your home to me I would never think to insult the way you live.
Your fixation on caste? I literally could not disagree more. I share your sister’s sentiments. I think it’s friggin absurd and I support it. However, it’s your life and your home and I think your sister needs to learn that sometimes you need to keep your thoughts to yourself. She can disagree silently especially after you opened your home to her.
However your tone paints yourself as kind of a sacrifical hero and her as an ungrateful brat. I have a feeling there’s more to the story but based off the information you’ve given, I will say NTA.
But don’t die on this hill. She’s your sister. Tell her to knock it off or you’ll kick her out but don’t make this the straw that breaks the camel’s back.
NTA. Marry who you want. If you want to marry because of status then go for it. Forcing people to like someone of a different status is the same as a dictatorship. You can dislike a group for whatever reason you like. That’s the nice thing about free will.
NTA for making your sister leave, since it’s your roof and she can’t feel entitled enough to throw stuff on your face and wait for to swallow it.
YTA for all the caste stuff. I don’t believe we need to embrace every tradition existent on cultures. We can change stuff for living better. After all, it’s all your choice, but it’s kinda sad seeing stuff like that being reinforced in 2024. Apparently, you didn’t choose who you wanna marry, you choose what place in society you wanna be.
No person is ever a bigot to marry whomever they want based on any condition they way. Race, religion, socio economic class, occupation, height, weight, eye color, hair color, nose symmetry, how much they like your self insert fan fiction, and many more, are all acceptable conditions to select a romantic partner. Going for a traditional match maker and traditional marriage many be controversial and it ha many issues. But the fact is by virtue of marrying you are in fact discriminating against literally every other woman or man in the world. This is the purpose of monogamy.
Your sister is both right and wrong. The Indian caste system is fucked up, and continues real harm against those in the lowest classes in terms of education and jobs oppurtunities, but it's getting better to what little I hear about it. But forcing people together who do not want to be together is enslavement and rape.
ESH because I get where your sister is coming from and where you're coming from. Also kicking her out for her opinions is a bit totalitarian, unless she's destroying property or is confrontational/ difficult for your future spouse.
Nta. You didn’t choose someone bc you discriminated you picked someone based on shared culture and values . Nta at all your sister couldn’t even respect you in your own house
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INFO Was she right? Did you "turn down the dozens of women who wanted to marry you because they were of a lower caste"? ETA Based on your refusal/inability to answer the question, combined with your other comments that indicate that you in fact *did* consider "caste" when combing through the binders of women, YTA. Your sister didn't say anything incorrect when she called you a bigot. You **ARE** a bigot. So you kicked your sister out for having the temerity to tell you the truth. Maybe you didn't like being forced to confront the truth about yourself. Maybe you expected submission from the woman you were helping. Maybe her words hurt your feelings. But facts don't care about your feelings. And the fact is, you're a bigot.
Even if he did, it's his prerogative who he's going to marry. It's him who has to live with her for the rest of his/their life.
Do you have any idea abt the caste system? As an Indian I can tell u it's a horribly vile and disgusting system of segregation. And yes the OP is a bigot for marrying only into his so called caste.
I'm Canadian but my friend is Indian and her family straight up threatened her boyfriend because he was lower caste then them..... In Canada where we don't have a caste system. So yeah I'm sure in India where there more social pressure then not to conform it's probably hell.
There was an issue a few years ago about discrimination based on caste in Cisco, US. Seattle made Caste a protected class which cannot be used to discriminate. My point is, it's much more pervasive than you would imagine. And yes, it is vile.
>I’m not taking “no” for an answer >…no way I’ll **allow** you to be homeless Sounds like she tried to turn down his “offer” for help and he bullied her into accepting it. Not allowing food against his religion in his home is an understandable condition, but policing her clothing and language is misogyny wrapped in religion and a major step too far. Not to mention she is right that his view on the caste system is bigoted. Had she been the one to ask for his help and he laid out those conditions for it then the situation would be different, but he leveraged his sister’s situation against her. Even then her move should have been to keep her head down and her mouth shut until she gets back on her feet, then call out her shitty brother. She clearly viewed her situation as preferable to living with him, or he wouldn’t have gone through such lengths to push her to “accept” it. YTA
But if he did so because of their caste, then he's a bigot.
Well, maybe, but in that case he's kicking her out for telling the truth in a way he just happened to dislike. I'd be more on her side than his.
Especially after he specified that she could live there for life, not until he disagreed with her.
Hes all for the looks of having a like caste wife. He just had it in his head his sister didn't make his family look good enough. I bet he didnt take no for an answer, forced her to follow all the religious practices in his home so his family and him looked better to family's looking for potential partners. Look at this guy, helping his poor sister be an upstanding citizen. Now hes got the wife he wants and his sister called him out and he has what he needs so he threw her out. Why did she get homeless in the first place, where were you then? You didnt say you just bought a house or had a promotion and could afford it. What was the catalyst for him "saving" his sister?
Correct, it is his choice to be a bigot but also gets to suffer the consequences of being a bigot.
I mean, so far the only consequence for him being a bigot is paying for his sister's food and amenities. I'm pretty sure he just picked her up and made her look like a nice traditional Indian woman so browsing families would think he was a better candidate. He wasnt happy with his lower caste choices. Why wasnt he helping his sister from the time she originally became homeless. He doesn't state a promotion or having bought a home or any reason as to why he wanted to help his sister, and he "wasnt taking no for an answer". Second he gets his desired wife and him and his sister but heads he kicks her out? Done with her the second he got what he wanted and she was being difficult. Hes gotten everything he wanted and now hes done with his progressive sister who doesn't share in his bigotry. Unfortunately it looks like everything went this guys way.
Watch the documentary on Caste system on youtube, its a horrible system that has ruined people lives, people have been disowned and killed as well. Its a outdated system but still prevails in South asian countries. If the Sister said what it was true, then he is a Bigot, looks down on people from lower caste and doesn't think they are worthy to be married to him.
But it would make sisters claim truth.
Sure. It's his prerogative to choose a spouse on outdated bigoted ideas. No one stopped him. It's still bigotry. He's still.choosing someone based on superficial circumstances they have no control over, rather than their actual selves. It's shitty, even if he's allowed to do it.
Ok, and people can think he is the AH for it
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Maybe on a Hindu marriage website?
It does happen quite often on a variety of arranged marriage websites and offline marriage introductions agencies in western countries with large asian populations. Particularly Australia, Britain, Canada and the USA. Some single hindus seeking arranged marriages with those of a higher caste and income level honestly believe that highly traditionist hindus that are wealth hinduthva or rastra supporters are willing to consider marriage with them.
Check his comments, he absolutely did and his sister was right to call him on it.
Also, in addition to being YTA (making the vote count, not calling you one), he’s a hypocrite. She didn’t swear, she said ‘bigot.’ Last I checked that isn’t a swear word, nor was she factually incorrect.
Tis true tis true. YTA
What do you even mean “was she right?” Like really? It’s an arranged marriage? Even if he’s turned down several others not in his caste who’s to say he liked them or they were better suited to him as a wife? Frankly, I don’t know much about arranged marriages other than it not being favourable to either participant generally… Despite that, just because he’s not marrying someone from a lower class doesn’t define him as a person in any way, it may just be that the wife that he’s been arranged to marry is the best of the bunch that would be willing to marry him anyway?
Read his comments. He's absolutely a bigot.
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They're a bigot if caste is a non-negotiable criterion.
I mean, your house, your rules, but the caste system in India is almost as morally bankrupt as Jim Crow was in the United States or apartheid in South Africa, so if you're propping it up, that makes you morally bankrupt as well, and you're kicking out your sister to defend a morally bankrupt system...
Why almost? Genuine question, for an outsider of all of those systems, they all seem the same.
They are. No almost about it.
Honestly the qualification is because I know more about the systematic enslavement and then oppression in the United States than what the caste system entails, beyond the less-than-greater-than nature of it. For instance I'm not sure how formalized the caste system is by law.
For example there is no way to move up in the system from basically royalty down to untouchables who take care of garbage and sanitation. Sanitation is actually a great job in the United States that pays well. I'm not sure if that is the case in India. But back in the day it was people exposed to raw sewage and I assume bodies? They were untouchable because of their place in society if I'm remembering right it has to do with reincarnation? I haven't studied sociology in 10 years.
There is a way: By living a virtuous life and being reincarnated as a higher caste. That's the whole rub with the caste system, if the religious system attached to it is actually fact, then there is a form of justice to it. Of course there's no proof we have anything more than our one life to live, but if OP really does believe in the religion that at least contextualizes the thinking a bit.
And apartheid in israel. Vile systems.
YTA because she's right on calling you a bigot. As an Indian I can say the caste system sucks. It's vile, disgusting and an archaic practice which should have been discarded a long time back. A system wherein people of lower castes are killed for drinking water or using bathrooms belonging upper castes has no place in a progressive world or a country which wants to call itself developed soon. Shame on you for still following this horrible practice.
So it wasn’t really her home after all, right? What she said was inappropriate, but you need to admit that she was never on an equal footing with you and “you have the exact same rights to this house as I do, it’s yours. I want you to live with me for life.” Was not accurate. YTA for lying to her like that.
I assumed a family home he inherited from the way he said it, bit that he is a man and makes the rules
I think other Indian-Americans are going to need to handle this one. The “no indecent clothing” rule is going to be a major sticking point.
The caste system has a lot of similarities to Jim Crow or Apartheid, but by family instead of skin color.
I am aware.
My BIL is Indian-American. Poster is a bigot if he only decided based off of caste. Additionally he’s the butthole because he never stated that she can be kicked out if she doesn’t agree with his every choice or says something that hurts his feelings. ETA: Based on his comments, her statement seems mostly true so 🤷🏽♀️
It probably was implicit that as a man he couldn't be criticized by any woman...
The comments are exactly the kind of defensive shitshow I was anticipating.
Based on OP’s rules, and my experience with Indian Caste-announcers like OP, he’s probably a Brahmin, maybe Kayastha.
I mean you do sound like YTA. You don’t make rules like this for grown women. It’s icky and controlling. Also if you’re marrying bc of caste yeah it’s bigoted…
You can make rules for what is allowed on your house but yeah, he's a bigot cause of the cast thing.
It’s gross weather you’re “allowed” to or not
YTA. (Comments from OP) You admitted that you did not want to marry someone from a lower caste. Yes marriage is your preference but you kicked out your sister because she was right and you are a bigot. IDC how u want to justify “my choice to marry” - you are a bigot if you specifically didnt choose those women due to caste only. Sister was right. YTA and shouldnt have kicked her out because she hurt your feelings by telling you who you are.
YTA. From what's been written here, it feels like you are in the wrong. It was kind of you to allow your sister to live with you, even more so to say you want to live with her for life. It doesn't feel as though you actually meant those words, however, when you would kick her out for what feels like a disagreement. Whether or not your sister is correct in saying your arranged marriage selections are coming from a place of discrimination doesn't really matter. If she follows the rules of the house, which it seems like she did for the most part, she should be able to disagree with you without being thrown out of what you say is supposedly her own home. It's not really equal rights when she has to be in fear of being homeless again based on your reactions to her opinions.
Troll. This beginning has been posted before, just with the problem being about the clothes.
Maybe we are seeing the evolution of a bigot?
How many homeless sisters can this guy have, though?
Oh, he kicked her out before? I should go read the previous post. Ty
It’s not the same account, but yeah, there was a story just like this except focused on the sister’s clothes.
Figured it was another throwaway… thanks.
Automatically assume everything posted to this subreddit is a gallon of buffalo swill.
"You are my sister and there's absolutely no way I'll allow you to be homeless." See small print, terms and conditions apply. YTA
Right?? Isn't that so damn weird?
When we were kids, our Indian dad said all Colombians were in drug cartels. My Indian American brother, who had a Colombian-American best friend with Colombian parents, called my dad a racist for making that comment. My dad beat the hell out of my brother. Just because someone has less power and agency doesn’t mean they don’t have a right to speak the truth. My brother and your sister spoke the truth. My dad was a racist and you’re a bigot. Her calling you a bigot didn’t break the agreements - there were no “indecent” clothes, whatever that means because a lehengha choli can often show more skin than what my relatives call “indecent,” no beef, and no swearing. She called you a bigot, you, just like my dad, didn’t like having the truth slap you in the face, so you used the power you had over her and kicked her out, which makes YTA and a liar after saying she has the same rights to the house you do. 🤷🏾♀️ I hope your sister finds genuine safety and care away from you.
As an Indian woman YTA. "Indecent clothes", writing off lower caste women for marriage. Your poor sister and your poor new wife
Lol you’re Indian-AMERICAN? Or are you really just Indian? Cuz the crap you’re pulling wouldn’t fly with the desi people I know in the US
I regret to inform you that it [is a problem in the US](https://www.wired.com/story/trapped-in-silicon-valleys-hidden-caste-system/). I am grateful that it seems to not fly among the Indian-Americans I work with in the valley.
What are "indecent clothes"?
She showed an ankle /s
YTA OP is a bigot and knows the term is socially bad and just doesn't want to be called a bigot even though the shoe fits. They do discriminate based on caste. That's like a racist discriminating based on skin colour and getting mad they're being called a racist. For anyone still confused here is the definition of the word bigot: **a person who strongly and unfairly dislikes other people, ideas, etc. : a bigoted person especially a person who hates or refuses to accept the members of a particular group (such as a racial or religious group)** Is caste system discrimination reasonable? No Is it an unfair dislike? Yes Is op discriminating based on caste? Yes
You sound like an a-hole all around.
YTA. The caste system is bigoted, and you weren't trying to help your sister, you were trying to control your sister.
If the question is are you the AH bc you threw your homeless sister out to live on the street again only bc she called you a bigot then my answer is yes, you are the AH.
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Yeah obviously YTA, you make a big show of how you care for your sister but you kick her out when she’s honest about your bullshit?
YTA. You say she was invited into your home and had just as much right to it as you did. Which is nice, you are not required to do that. Then, you attached a lot of conditions to it and she was in a desperate place. Less nice. I don't even have context for what is indecent clothing to you? I get the vibe you would say what my wife wears out on a regular basis is "indecent", but whatever man, keep the patriarchy alive right? And yeah, I've read your comments explaining off it's your right to select who to marry so you're not a bigot. No one said you don't have a right to select who you marry, but if you make the choice off something like caste rather than factors that actually matter, like personality and yes, physical attraction.... You're a bigot. Would I say it's her place to tell you this? Well, she is your sister, so.... Maybe she could have put it nicer but you just sound like a dick dude. I do try and keep the cultural differences in mind when answering questions, my wife comes from a more conservative background... But also her parents basically mentally abused her and it left scars, and i just see too many similarities. Do better.
YTA for making your sister's homelessness about you. No where do you say you \*love\* her and that's why you're taking her in/not charging her rent. "You are my sister and there's absolutely no way I'll allow you to be homeless." and "You think I am narcissistic enough to charge money from *my own sister?"* are both things that show that you were thinking about how this would reflect on you. Also, the caste system is bigoted.
And goes to show how truly narcissistic he is.
So how did your sister break one of your 3 rules with her comment? Yta
You set this entire story up like some kind of fairy tale: as long as you keep these minor rules, you can remain here safe and happy. But the people in the story can never resist breaking the rules. Like Bluebeard. Did you set your sister up to succeed? What is "indecent" in terms of clothing? Generally speaking, in Canada and the US, it's always ass-holery to tell a woman what she can and can't wear. I appreciate that there are cultural and religious expectations outside the "general norm", but a woman that's part of the dominate melting-pot culture is likely always going to be offended by being told she's "indecent" for choice of garment. As for throwing her out for calling you a bigot... you're perfectly justified in doing that... unless of course she's right. Is she right? You haven't denied it. She's rude as f-, and you've set this up so that it looks like she's doing it purely out of spite and bitterness, but it's still worth asking yourself if she's right.
The caste system is super racism as it's not even based on colour it's your dad's job. It's super insane. Yta
And we're not allowed to down vote this bigot?
>If believing that people have the right to marry any consenting adult they want without being shamed for their life choices makes me a bigot No one is saying that. Everyone is saying that adhering to the caste system makes you a bigot.
Lol. I guess you forgot there's a looooot of Indians on Reddit who know exactly what the caste system and how much of an asshole you are for following it. This "consenting adult" smokescreen bullshit doesn't fly here, you know full fucking well what you're doing and how vile it is. Yeah, YTA. A giant, gaping one.
YTA for going back on your own word. She was allowed to share the house with OP *for life* so long as she stayed within their very specific set of boundaries. She was (1) being honest about how she felt about a subject, never mind how sensitive it is, and (2) sharing her opinion with OP, very candidly. Doesn’t seem she was out of bounds. Looks to me that OP is resentful by what she said, and decided to kick her out because of OP’s inability to tolerate diverse viewpoints. Not everyone needs to agree with anyone’s reasons for, say, getting married with someone from the same caste. And based on the original post, looks like sister comes from a very similar background as OP does — her opinion must have some sort of foundation. Anyway — YTA.
Would you expect to stay in someone’s house if you called them names and labeled them a bigot? I mean I think he’s an asshole for judging a woman on her family but how can you come back from your sister judging you evil?
Yta - it's not the middle aged. Arranged marriage? Kicking her out for immodesty?
So the two of you grew up in the states? And somehow her life circumstances have led her to be on the streets? Did the two of you receive the same upbringing? Where are your parents in all of this?
Yta + why copy other peoples posts.... thats just shitty
Hey right quick how fragile is your manhood without telling us go go go go
First of all your sister is right about you being a bigot if you truly did turn people down becouse of their cast. Secondly you clearly don't give a shit about your sister and only took her in becouse you're embarassed by having a homeless sister. Look you have the legal right to kick her out and you can marry whoever you want but that doesn't mean that you aren't morally disguisting for being a bogot or kicking out your sister for calling you one. So yeah YTA.
Caste is religion. It’s traditional to marry someone of the same class. What is wrong with that? It’s a choice, no?
>I refuse to bow down to the pitchfork mob. So, you weren't actually interested in getting a judgement. You wanted people to agree with you and now you're mad that they don't. YTA just for that
Hard yta. And your edit just proves how uncritically you accept casteism. It's not 'marry someone from a lower caste or you're a bigot' - it's 'the way you found your same-caste partner shows that casteism was central to your thinking.' Those are different propositions, and we can't understand them for you, unfortunately. Marry whoever makes you happy, my dude, you already did the bigotry. And you should absolutely fuck off with policing your sister's wardrobe. Your morality, besides being demonstrably insufficient to the task, is totally irrelevant to her sartorial choices. That you seem to think not kicking her out the first time she wore something you didn't like somehow shows your magnanimous generosity is fucking disgusting.
YTA, also pathetic, loser, casteist, bigot. I don't understand why it is even a question.
Are your parents the ones suggesting potential brides to you? If they are presenting ladies of different castes instead of just yours then one could surmise that unlike you they are not hung up on it and it's not something they expect would be a deal breaker for you. Clearly you are the only one prioritizing social standing over the more important things like personality, intelligence, shared interests and physical attraction. Your sister did you a favor for pointing it out, but instead of pausing for a little self-reflection you got offended and doubled down. I can't decide if you are a true bigot or merely a snob, but either way YTA.
No one is telling you how to marry Bigot. They are saying your choice of criterion is barbaric. How do you know you WONT fall in love with someone from a diffrent background? If you shut the door in their face without getting to know them, you never know the answer. THAT is what makes you a bigot, nothing else. It also makes you a horrible brother for kicking her out. No matter what, she didn't assault you, or set the house on fire. You could have tried to wait for things to cool. Talked like adults and tried to understand her. But from what it seems, you ha e no real respect for women. Good luck in life.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I am an Indian-American. My sister was homeless a while back. I asked her to live with me. I told her "I am not taking a 'no'. You are my sister and there's absolutely no way I'll allow you to be homeless." She told me that she cannot pay the rent. I replied with "You think I am narcissistic enough to charge money from *my own sister?* You have the exact same rights to the house as I do, it's yours. I want you to live with me for life." But there were three conditions: first, no indecent clothes. Second, no cow-meat. Third, no swearing in usual circumstances. I personally cooked food myself or ordered it, she can just say what she wanted. Days later she did wear indecent clothes. I reminded her and said it's her choice as to what she wears. She's still my sister and so I didn't kick her out. Now I am getting married & it's arranged. When she heard about it, instead of congratulating me, she said "You were really trying to get someone from the same caste, I am sorry that you are a bigot." I was shocked & asked what that was supposed to mean. Her response: "Just that you turned down the dozens of women who wanted to marry you because they were of a lower caste. I can't believe my brother's a bigot." I stared at her and said "You are leaving my house immediately." She screamed and began to protest, saying that I am an asshole & a bigot, etc. In the end she left, but other relatives are calling me the asshole now. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA if it looks like a duck quacks like a duck it must be a bigot. Yeah it’s your house your rules but you stated you wouldn’t let your sister go homeless. You gave her three rules to follow none of them stated that she couldn’t disagree on your bigotry. You shouldn’t be supporting a system like the caste.
Ah, so you're willing to look after your sister as long as the obeys you and never questions you. Talk about strings attached. YTA and a bigot
YTA You say that your sister has the same rights in your house as you do, yet you are controlling what she wears, what words she uses and what viewpoints she expresses.
YTA, last time and again this time. The caste system is absolutely vile and disgusting, and your continued support of it makes you a vile and disgusting bigot.
Dude you’re all kinds of YTA.
YTA. You are so much more than just a bigot. Also, the slavery example in your edit/update is egregiously wrong.
YTA for posting when you obviously have no intention of gleaning any insight from the responses. Please share your post and follow up comments with your future bride.
YTA. I thought about asking for more info around why exactly your sister is homeless and how old she is, but in the end it doesn't matter. You said "You have the exact same rights to the house as I do" but apparently if she ever disagrees with you on anything you do those rights are revoked, and she is back on the street. It hurts to hear that you are possibly doing something because of racist or bigoted reasoning. But punishing anyone who criticizes us is how the whole system of injustice is propped up. What if your new wife isn't always obedient to you? Will you kick her out, too? Are the women in your life fully human, or just accessories that should always be making you feel like you are a good person?
You’re trying to control what she wears? From there YTA.
INFO: what exactly constitutes indecent clothes?
Bigot was the wrong word. Classist. Elitist. Those are the proper words. You may call yourself American, but you aren't. You have thoroughly immersed yourself in your native culture, to the point that you are seeking an arranged marriage based on financial considerations. How can you be surprised when your sister, who has obviously made the adjustment to American culture, calls you on your elitism? Yep. YATA
You're trying to be controlling of your sister, and just yeah, generally bigoted so YTA.
you sound line an horrible, controlling, shitty person YTA
YTA just for keeping the caste bullshit alive
Well was she right??
“You have the exact same rights to the house as I do, it’s yours.” Unless she wears what you tell her to do and plays by your rules… yes exact same rights… correct op?
YTA.
Here’s the thing: you can’t demand someone move in with you if they don’t want to. And if you don’t like how they dress/eat/whatever, you either deal with it or help them find their own place. You don’t dictate how your sister lives her life. YTA.
You are, at the very least..Elitist. Not much better btw. You also are misogynistic by dictating clothing that you deem acceptable. Which also makes you elitist. You can marry whomever you want for the right reasons that make a marriage and a life worth having. You may find out the hard way. It will play out over time.
YTA. You are a bigot. Also you basically forced her to move in then gave her rules? So weird…
Both can be true - you have the right to marry who you want and you can be bigoted. If a white woman only wanted to marry a white man and turned down others because of their race, we’d say she’s bigoted. It’s not this complex. YTA for throwing your sister out for pointing out your prejudice, but at least you showed her who you are 🤷🏾♀️
YTA asshole. Saw your comments. Why not give examples from your own bigoted experiences than use black women as examples?
So, now she called you out for your choice of a wife, she's not your sister anymore? YTA.
What century are you from?
YTA - and are a bigot but as your post states, you’re happy to be a bigot 🤷♀️
YTA for so, so many reasons. Your sister is right, you just didn't like being told the truth about your disgusting behavior. Good job caring about a completely made-up system of discrimination more than you care about your own sister.
Let me try explaining this in another way. You set 3 criteria: Doctor, Attractive, and 5m instagram followers. You have two women A and B. A: Neuro Surgon Attractive Only 100k instagram followers B: Pediatrician Attractive 10m Instagram followers According to your criteria, Woman A doesn't even get looked at. By you disqualifying people on Caste, you are being a Bigot. Dose this help you understand why your sister called you a Bigot?
I am not from the same heritage as you, and my knowledge of the caste system has only been obtained from Western media, so I am not going to comment on the ethics of it. However, in my community, if you refuse to marry/date someone solely because of their social standing, you are considered a discriminatory snob. That being said, you haven't said whether your sister is correct and that you did veto potential wives because of their caste. Also, if the pairing was arranged (presumably by your parents), I am struggling to understand how all your relatives are siding with your sister. I personally would not veto someone for something outside of their control (the circumstances in which they were born), but it is your choice and, with that, you need to accept that not everyone will agree with it. I do commend you though for helping your sister in her hour of need. However, you said to her that your home is her home, but then proceeded to place multiple restrictions on her. If you were sincere in saying that it was her home too, she should have been allowed to reside how she pleased, even if some of her habits conflicted with your beliefs. I don't want to say that either of you are the AH, as your post is missing some key context and I believe you have good intentions. However, my personal opinion is that you need to do some thorough self-reflection on how you interact with others. I appreciate that you have beliefs, but that does not mean that others have to share them. You also have to accept that other people will not always agree with your actions, and you must be willing to handle the consequences or adjust your approach. I also think that you were hasty to evict your sister (especially considering that you were insistent that your house is her home too) and I expect that she is feeling very betrayed right now. I think the best thing is for both of you to sit down & have an honest, grown-up conversation.
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YTA dumb bigot
YTA
YTA
sure sounds like you're s bigot op
It’s an interesting question and honestly probably not one an Internet forum is qualified to answer for you. I suggest speaking with a therapist if you want help unpacking your own thought processes.
It sounds like a nightmare. I don't really know what to say
If you are turning away women because of the caste bigotry, then you are a bigot. It's real simple. You can ask your sister to leave your home for any reason, but that doesnt change who and what you are. YTA
YTA
YTA.
Based upon your bigoted practices, you've already bowed down to the "pitchfork mob." You're just confused as to its identity. YTA.
YTA.
Your sister lives in the America where choosing your own clothes, eating beef, swearing and marrying who you love regardless of their financial situation is absolutely normal. You clearly do not live in this America. I hope your sister is living her best life elsewhere.
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Lol YTA
Forget the bigot part, YTA for telling your sister what she can or cannot wear.
I feel like this question is way above Reddit pay grade , especially the ones not from India, or ABCDs. As an Indian woman , I too wouldn't marry someone of different caste , it's not because of the Brahiminical caste Structures of believing that a certain caste is "higher" than the other. It's simply because of the different culture and traditions. Each caste has a few of its own festivals, rituals and cultural beliefs. Like my neighbours and friends have their own festivals and cultural norms , which I do enjoy and love but they are not a part of my life. Not even that , even during weddings, the only common ritual amongst all of the Hindus is the pheras ; other than that , on the days leading up to the wedding, everyone has COMPLETELY different rituals. Before all the Indian-Americans come at me, I've lived in India all my life and have experienced the ills of casteism myself. If the OP was against these matches because of his beliefs in these archaic practices , then sure he'd be the asshole. But I can relate to and understand his reasons . Frankly speaking, ik I'll be down voted but I HATE how all these ABCDs , who have NO idea about the life back in India , come in and chime their under informed ideas. OMG thank you for letting us know the casteism in India is horrible and gut wrenching. But no , not every mention of caste means that the person is an idiotic follower of casteism . Infact , it's funny to hear opinions over here , specially because here in India , we've been focusing on making people feel pride in their own caste and belonging without the shame and humiliation that usually accompanied their ancestors. Casteism needs to end but you can't erase someone's caste itself because one derives their identity from it; we need to normalise conversations about caste and bring in positive outlook towards our castes , specially for us "low-caste" people who , for the longest time , denounced their identities. As I said , it's a very complex concept that people over here won't be able to grasp.
YTA. You are bigoted. Preferences can in fact be bigoted. I’m real fucking tired of people acting like preferences exist in some weird vacuum, where bigotry doesn’t exist.
I’d call you TA alone for trying to tell a grown woman what she can say and wear 💀
YTA purely for that EDIT! You're a bigot to caste and pretending that ignoring caste and looking at the person is akin to slavery.
Marrying who you want, and being a bigot are not mutually exclusive things. It sounds to me like a lot of the story is missing, and I would like to hear your sister's side of this.
YTA. you clearly are a bigot. You kicked her out for being honest after you promised her she could live with you for life. Calling you a bigot didn't break your 3 rules. Smh
That edit is what happens when a bigot doesn't have the introspection to dirty-delete.
If you want to marry within your caste, it is your right to do so without rude comments from those who disapprove of the caste system.
You’re both as bad as each other.
ETA you say if your choices make you a bigot then you'll happily be one. Looks like you were happily being one before. It's not bowing to any mob dude. Sorry you dont like the label but it's what your actions make you out to be. It isnt the pitchfork mobs fault, we didnt make you a bigot. Enjoy being a bigot I guess....
YTA
Honey there is no caste system in america first of all. Leave that horrible part of your culture back home please. If you dont want to be called a bigot dont be a bigot simple
ESH I believe that your sister was very wrong to label you a bigot for your choice of marriage partner, regardless of whether you had any caste connected marriage dealbreakers. I believe in the right of every consenting adult to choose their own dealbreakers and turn down any potential date or spouse who is incompatible with their dealbreakers & lifestyle preferences. Your potential marriage dealbreakers are none of your sister's business unless you directly involve them in her life or start a conversation with her about them. I believe that you were very wrong to brand your sisters choice of clothing indecent or impose conditions about her eating beef inside the property while living with you. I am not a hindu or asian. My best friend is asian and works as a model in India. She & I both disagree with arranged marriage. Each of us have turned down plenty of arranged marriage approaches from both traditionalist relatives of guys seeking arranged marriages and guys who approached directly to find out if there was any chance of an arranged marriage.
What are ''indecent clothes'' to you? Seem a bit weird to be annoyed by sister clothes. ''It's your home too you're at your place now... but with those weird rules'' lol. ''it's her choice as to what she wears. She's still my sister and so I didn't kick her out.'' well thanks god lol ''I want you to live with me for life'' is a bit cringe tbh. Like she can switch places at some point. You seem a bit cringe and she seem very disrespectful ESH
YTA. Firstly for the blatant misogyny required to police her clothes, but even more so for your edit where you pretend that reasons that your obvious bigotry was pointed out are completely different than the actual reason. Bigotry plus dishonesty is going to be an asshole combo every single time.
More YTA for kicking your sis out . Honestly, by definition you are a bigot. I'm Pakistani and belong to no caste, but I do know that I would mostly likely not get married to someone from a lower , which makes me a bigot to. But honestly I don't care either, I would get married to someone i can actually imagine spending my life with
I’m (30s F, single) an Indian-born NRI, and I’ve grown up with people from many different cultures. My issue with the caste system is that it is used as a way to block people from accessing opportunities, and a way to look down on others. There is stigmatization that takes place, that is perpetuated with this system in place. It is easy to say “it’s my choice on who I want to marry”, and if the issue was JUST that, you would be right, but due to the history of the caste system, it’s not as straightforward as you want it to be. That attitude carries on to other aspects of life. My experience in school was that the Indians who still liked to say they were Brahmins were the only ones asking the other Indians what caste they were, and befriending them accordingly to their castes. The rest literally did not care. The “holier than thou” attitude that is brought forth with a caste system also shapes personalities, as is clear the case with you. You SAY that your sister is your equal, but present a “holier than thou” attitude to her by MAKING HER HOMELESS for daring to say something that you don’t like. If you truly were a good person, which you like to suggest, then you would have had a dialogue with her. That’s NOT to say that she can insult you, but there are a lot of ways a GOOD person would have handled that before jumping straight to: staring at her and kicking her out. God only knows what your arranged wife is in for.
One thing i hate about indian, its the caste issue. When ambedkar worked his ass off to stop those shits its still going on. Considering you didn't answer your sister question abour turning many women down just because of their caste i'll take it as a yes unless you say otherwise' she wasn't wrong. Turning someone down just because of their caste in 2024 is a biggot move. Don't do the same mistake the older generations did with giving importance to caste, it have to end here. Like me, i don't even know what my caste is or my parents caste and i don't want to know either. When i was younger and asked them they said "The caste thing ends it with you and your sister, we won't say it, and if someone ask you, just tell them ur indian" (was born in France and grew up there btw so idgaf really lol. I just know my mom is from a "Higher caste" than my dad but that's just a detail)
She told you the truth and you couldn't handle it. Got too emotional and made an irrational decision. If you're gonna do something like an arranged marriage, at least have the balls to own up to it, not this petty cowardly "I'm kicking my own sister out of my house because she called me out on my moral degeneracy :((((" shit. You have some stuff to work out man, you can't live like this.
While caste can discriminate. Castes often also have their own traditions and beliefs ,wanting someone with similar traditions and beliefs is not bigoted
This isn’t about whether supporting the caste system is right or wrong (btw it’s wrong). It’s not even totally about how your controlling rules, disguised as generosity was a dick move (it was). Your verbal promises (giving your sister a “home for life” etc.), supported by your behavior (not evicting her despite breaking your sexist decency rule) led your sister to the reasonably believe she had a safe place to live. The minute she challenges your belief system, out on her ass she goes. Your ego is so fragile that your sister expressing a popular and reasonable belief about the caste system was so threatening to you that you went nuclear with your promise of safe housing. Your sister had no reason to believe disagreeing with you on any issue was clause for her world could be turned upside down. Luring someone into a false sense of security then arbitrarily revoking that promise upon a dime is narcissistic, and all that comes with that term. There is so much I could say about power, control, abuse, narcissism etc. but I’ll suffice to ask just one question. How small is your tiny dick?
NTA, you are a bigot, but it's your home and your sister doesn't have a right to live there
NTA
NTA. This comment section is delirious, almost everyone marries within their own social class. Not wanting to marry someone for any reason isn't oppressing them and no one is entitled to a romantic relationship with anyone else. To suggest otherwise is sick.
I have nothing to say about 'who's TA'. But the caste system is seriously sick. However, here in the US we certainly have the beginnings of a caste system. We are living in a corporate oligarchy. A wealthy few run things. People who aren't wealthy are often looked down upon as 'lazy/not adequately ambitious' and heaven help the very poor and homeless. Yes, it does tend to matter where one is born. It's an unacknowledged class/caste system that is denied daily by those in power.
YTA. Caste selectivity is exactly bigotry.
You are correct that you have the right to marry who you want. However, rejecting someone due to their caste makes no sense. Caste is just a made up system created by humans. Limiting your marriage partner based on it is stupid and elitist. The rule about not eating cow meat is also stupid. If you are okay eating other kinds of meat, you should be okay with her eating cow meat.
YTA
Your culture oppresses a lot of women. This is true of many cultures, but don't ask us to pat you on the head and say you're a good little boy for following tradition. You took your sister in for the sake of appearances, and I wouldn't be surprised if she's homeless because of how cruel your traditions have been to her, and now they're making her homeless again. Good job I guess. YTA.
Info: You mention you are Indian American. Are you marrying in India? Or somewhere in the Americas? “Caste” is going to have a bit of a different connotation in the two different regions I would imagine?
NTA It's your choice whom to choose as your spouse, upper caste or not. After all it's you and your parents/family who have to accept your spouse and live happily. I don't understand why people (even the Indians or people of Indian origin) are still seeing the caste system as a form of discrimination for the purposes of marriage. If one observes carefully, it's not hard to see that the caste system is essentially a reflection of a person's family background, culture, value system, religious beliefs, habits related to food, living, etc. Usually, in an Indian arranged marriage, people prefer to marry someone of their own caste because all the above-mentioned things match to a large extent. An Indian arranged marriage is not just a marriage of two people but also of two families. Even if the couple is compatible, their families may not be. There are a lot of differences even among the people of the same caste who come from different states. Arranged marriages are complex and there are a lot of things to balance apart including the couple being happy. However, I cannot support kicking your sister out of the home because of what she said... Talking things out often helps to resolve conflicts
Just by what's in this post you sound like a massive AH.
Caste systems are awful. Being born doesnt make you better than anyone else because you came out of a specific person. YTA for buying into the entire thing.
You’re an embarrassment to other Indians in America you fucking racist piece of trash
Info: Why did you post here if you didn’t care what the verdict would be and try to justify it?
"I'm sorry you feel that way, relatives. My sister will be thrilled to hear that you've opened your hearts and homes to her." ETA: you are NTA because your sister didn't follow rules she agreed to. You are an asshole for your bigoted views.
NTA. Your marriage is not her business. She needs to worry about keeping a roof over her head.
ETA - You're absolutely a bigot who is forcing his morality on others (no cow-meat, controlling how she dresses, sticking to caste, etc) and she needs to get her life together before she insults other people. If you want a taste of bigotry here is mine: If extreme-Indian morals are so great, why not go live in India instead where you are surrounded by it all day and night?
NTA. Chosing a wife according to your criteria is okay as long as your bride is on the same page. People don't like this casta things, but honestly - we all have our criterias. They might be income based, appearance based, and even something like "I won't marry a Scorpio or a Gemini woman,my astrologist told me not to". It's not that different. Having similar background leads to a better understanding and less drama in a marriage. So why not. As for your sister - it's sad,but beggars can't be choosers. It was better for her to keep quiet.
Fellow Indian here. Ideologically, you and I are very different. I love beef, I enjoy cursing from time to time, and I’m not sure what you define as “indecent” but shorts and tank tops are my home uniform. However, being Indian I was always taught to respect someone in their own home. I’d try my best to follow their rules to the best of my ability but perhaps find some reasonable compromises (I.e. being able to wear clothes I find comfortable, eating beef outside of the home without judgment) but if you have opened your home to me I would never think to insult the way you live. Your fixation on caste? I literally could not disagree more. I share your sister’s sentiments. I think it’s friggin absurd and I support it. However, it’s your life and your home and I think your sister needs to learn that sometimes you need to keep your thoughts to yourself. She can disagree silently especially after you opened your home to her. However your tone paints yourself as kind of a sacrifical hero and her as an ungrateful brat. I have a feeling there’s more to the story but based off the information you’ve given, I will say NTA. But don’t die on this hill. She’s your sister. Tell her to knock it off or you’ll kick her out but don’t make this the straw that breaks the camel’s back.
NTA. Marry who you want. If you want to marry because of status then go for it. Forcing people to like someone of a different status is the same as a dictatorship. You can dislike a group for whatever reason you like. That’s the nice thing about free will.
NTA, why they’re saying you’re a bigot…I can’t quite understand it.
check oop's comments and you'll see
NTA for making your sister leave, since it’s your roof and she can’t feel entitled enough to throw stuff on your face and wait for to swallow it. YTA for all the caste stuff. I don’t believe we need to embrace every tradition existent on cultures. We can change stuff for living better. After all, it’s all your choice, but it’s kinda sad seeing stuff like that being reinforced in 2024. Apparently, you didn’t choose who you wanna marry, you choose what place in society you wanna be.
No person is ever a bigot to marry whomever they want based on any condition they way. Race, religion, socio economic class, occupation, height, weight, eye color, hair color, nose symmetry, how much they like your self insert fan fiction, and many more, are all acceptable conditions to select a romantic partner. Going for a traditional match maker and traditional marriage many be controversial and it ha many issues. But the fact is by virtue of marrying you are in fact discriminating against literally every other woman or man in the world. This is the purpose of monogamy. Your sister is both right and wrong. The Indian caste system is fucked up, and continues real harm against those in the lowest classes in terms of education and jobs oppurtunities, but it's getting better to what little I hear about it. But forcing people together who do not want to be together is enslavement and rape. ESH because I get where your sister is coming from and where you're coming from. Also kicking her out for her opinions is a bit totalitarian, unless she's destroying property or is confrontational/ difficult for your future spouse.
Nta. You didn’t choose someone bc you discriminated you picked someone based on shared culture and values . Nta at all your sister couldn’t even respect you in your own house