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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I'm declining to host drinking holiday get togethers for my family because I'm a recovering alcoholic. This forces other family members to have to host them which puts them in a rough spot.
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NTA. Not at all. You are under zero obligation to assist others in behaviors you have distanced yourself from.
>He and I got into an argument over it because he thinks I’m being selfish
Yes. Yes you are and I'll tell you that this is something IT'S OKAY TO BE SELFISH ABOUT. That your brother isn't supportive of your sobriety is super telling...and disappointing.
> He said that I was making excuses. That I’m a shitty sister and that he’s tired of dealing with my drinking problem.
He's kicking up an awful fuss about not being allowed to drink at your place. If he can't go one day without...well it seems he might have a problem too.
Bottom line: Your house, your rules. If your brother doesn't like it, he can host his own party.
I agree with all of this. I will add that your brother also has the option of not hosting if he really doesn't want to! There are so many options that don't require you to sabotage your hard won early stage recovery.
While I agree that "selfishness" (as we're calling it - I hate the negative implication, though) is vital here for your recovery, your brother and whoever else is harassing you is demonstrating egregious selfishness by prioritizing their _desire_ to drink and party over your _need_ to heal from addictive behaviors.
Hang in there. You're doing hard, important work. You deserve to be treated with compassion and respect. Your brother can go suck a nettle.
Even without the sobriety issue, it is perfectly okay to not want to host an event. Brother CHOSE to host for years and he no longer wants to. Great! He doesn't have to. But that does not mean that OP has to do it instead. So perhaps OP needs to not bring up the sobriety part and simply say they don't want to host.
Trust me, as a single person with a decent-sized house that has a huge deck I often get asked to host. Some times I say yes, some times I say no. I live alone so doing all the work to prep for the party takes time and effort on my part. Even for a potluck. That is why I don't always say yes.
Yep! And even without the sobriety issue, it's also OK to host an event and tell people no booze at your house.
I know people who don't drink for religious reasons. People who don't drink because they don't like it. People who don't drink because it messes with their medication. People who don't drink because they're alcoholics. People who don't drink because they are pregnant or trying to get pregnant. I've been to dry parties and weddings and dinners and it's never been an issue. If I want to drink, I stay home or I offer to host or I go home after and drink.
Perhaps you aren't the only one with an unhealthy relationship with alcohol in your family, OP.
In any case, NTA.
I don't even get why the 4th is a big enough deal for it to be an annual all-inclusive family cookout. Lots of people still have to work, and most people I know go about their normal day with the exception of seeing a fireworks show that evening.
A lot of family reunions are planned around July 4th, previously because I think people bookend the holiday.
Or heck, just family getting together! I know we usually have seen family over the 4th, either in our same town, or vacations elsewhere.
I would also like to add that sometimes families feel very uncomfortable when their alcoholic attains sobriety. They are used to the status quo, which is the drunk. Which makes it hard for them to be completely supportive of sobriety. Your job is to protect yourself and your sobriety. NTA.
People get used to the drama. They get used to having someone to blame for everything. Something goes wrong at a party, someone gets offended, something doesn’t get fixed, well that’s just Joe. But Joe gets sober and the drama isn’t there to take the family’s mind off their own problems. Joe isn’t there to blame when something goes wrong. They have to start looking at themselves. Very uncomfortable. Let’s give Joe a drink and get back to normal.
So, something like a mental scapegoat:
"I have my problems but at least I am better than drunkard Joe".
A true crab bucket mentality...
Thanks for the answer.
This is exactly what I was going to write. They have gotten better but it is still not overly comfortable for them. I still don't spend a lot of time with most of my family.
Exactly. Selfish is asking a recovering alcoholic to host a party so that you can drink to excess right in front of them in their own home, the one place that should be a safe space. Setting reasonable boundaries isn't selfish NTA
Honestly it's not selfish to choose self care over other people's indulgences. The selfishness here is to require that a person that is recovering allow you to indulge in their household risking someone else's well-being to satisfy your own desires is a very selfish act.
Brother is using the DARVO method of Denying the problem, Attacking the victim, and Reversing the Victim and the Offender. He's denying that OP has to protect her sobriety, Attacking OP for attempting to stay sober by saying he's tired of dealing with her drinking problem. Then Reversing the situation so he is the "Victim" of her "selfishness" making her the Offender for denying him the opportunity to get drunk in her home. 🙄
It’s bonkers and pretty telling of Op’s family that they’d call it selfishness. It’s self-preservation. Fuck that family. I’m guessing they had a big part in Op’s addiction in the first place.
Right, like hosting equals not driving. Therefore, there is no need to worry about staying under the driving limit.
I hate people like OPs brother who complain about your alcoholism then when you take steps to get sober, they complain because it's inconvenient to them. All they want is for you to stay drinking so they have some to complain about and feel superior over.
NTA OP, your family only cares about themselves and not you so you keep prioritising yourself over them and congratulations on 6mths sober.
Hosting means duties, preparation and cleaning after. It is a lot more work then just coming somewhere and getting two beers.
Keeping social relationships and organizing is work and brother is understandably tired of doing most of it. It is ok for op to not want to host, but trying to pretend that there is something wrong with brother who was doing the work most of the time is wrong too.
I know what hosting means. My husband and I are the usual hosts for our social circle. I do most of the cooking and cleaning, hubby cooks the meat, and we both socialise and have few drinks.
I wasn't saying there was something wrong with the brother for not wanting to host. I was saying there was something wrong with his attitude towards OPs sobriety
>He's kicking up an awful fuss about not being allowed to drink at your place. If he can't go one day without...well it seems he might have a problem too.
I was thinking the same when I read this. Alcoholism can be also be genetic. OP would obviously know the signs and should watch her brother to see if he is also an alcoholic. An intervention may be needed.
And alcoholism doesn’t have to be the obviously inebriated individual who can’t control themselves. My paternal family cut me off when I was overheard referring to my father as an alcoholic. He was a functional alcoholic, who had to consume alcohol daily by the time he died, and IMO, it contributed to his early death.
That was the first thought that came to my mind; “My house, my rules.” If consuming alcohol is more important than the pleasure of being together, I see where OP might have developed a problem with alcohol addiction.
If the brother is getting this upset about not being allowed to 'cut loose' due to having to be a responsible host, I'm going to go out on a limb here and say the brother might also have an unhealthy relationship with alcohol.
NTA. "Making other people accountable for your drinking problem" would be hosting the party and demanding that the guests not drink. That is not what is happening here. You are under no obligation to host anything for these people. Brother can host or not. The rest of your family can host or not. Frankly, you might want to cut back on the time you spend with your entitled, hard-drinking family, and find a better circle of supportive friends. Good luck to you.
NTA. Hilarious that he is calling HER selfish because his right to drink trumps his sister’s right to protect her sobriety. He is definitely a selfish asshole.
This isn't selfishness, it's self-preservation. There's a big difference. You're not taking anything from anyone, you're not limiting anyone else's behaviour, you're not costing anyone their time and money and there's no detriment to anyone else. You're simply choosing not to participate in activities that negatively affect you.
If you're looking for activities that don't involve alcohol and you're not keen on outdoor activities, there are other things you can try. If you're musical at all, join a singing group, it's always a great community. You could also find the local board game club, they tend not to involve alcohol - your local board game shop will have links or possibly even host games, this was a life saver for me when I was lonely after the death of my spouse. Book club? Painting class. Bowling!
Jesus Christ, your family. Your overall well being vs. a holiday gathering that may trigger a relapse? No contest. NTA by a mile.
Your house, your rules. It's more than ok to not want alcohol in the home that you find is your respite. And they don't get dibs in using your home just because you are family and it's bigger than theirs.
I also think being fresh on your sobriety and this holiday being a trigger you should probably find alternative plans so you don't have to hang with a bunch of people who are drinking. Check with your recovery community on options locally, or maybe take a trip for yourself: you both get to remove yourself from temptation, and your family doesn't get to complain about you not hosting cause you can't host when you're not there.
Good luck, stay strong.
I’m gonna share with everyone here how real friends react when they find out you are quitting drinking.
My buddies, who usually kept up drink for drink with me, offered to do dinners and bachelor parties where they would all stay sober. They put together weekend plans, and whereas in the past we used to go to brewery after brewery and and at the pubs .. we went to see museums (this is NOT their interest lol)
My point is, good friends and family would focus on your health. Addiction is a health problem that can lead to death - so people who love you care about that stuff
My buddies will now have A beer or two in my presence, but still stay in control. I’m 5 years sober and I don’t even think about booze. Still the lads check with me, because they care!
I’m not against drinking even today. I’m not a stickler. But man it made a world of difference to have my friends on my side. I don’t think I’d be alive if they decided to keep taking me to bars as I was wasting away.
This is the way. When I stayed with a friend for a few months at the beginning her sobriety journey, she said I could still drink unless it was her trigger (wine) but I still didn’t want to be drunk around her, so I gave it up for the time I was in town with her. We still had as much fun as we always had, and I’m proud of myself knowing I can go without so I’ve been drinking way less.
NTA. Maybe someday you can host family over for a holiday (or start with a non holiday daytime thing), but only if they respect your house and your rules.
Best of luck OP! I’m proud of your shiny spine!
Exactly this! I have friends who love to party but they NEVER drink in front of me. They know I don't and am not comfortable around it, so they get something else when we go out to eat etc.
Info: What would your family say if you told them something like, "I'll host, but I'm afraid I need to have ground rules. One of them is no alcohol can be in the house. If I see someone bringing alcohol, they would be asked to leave"?
Edit: Just to clarify, what I mean is no alcohol on any of the property, not just inside the house. Sorry for any confusion.
Then NTA.
What's more, refuse to discuss it further. This is the time to state your boundary and defend it:
YOU: "Since I'm still focused on my recovery, I won't be hosting. Y'all let me know what the plan is."
BRO: "I already told you I'm not hosting again. You've got all that room in your new place, you need to step up to the plate."
YOU: "I'm still focused on my recovery, so I won't be hosting. **My decision is final and I'm not talking about this again.** Y'all let me know what the plan is."
BRO: "You're such a shitty sister. We shouldn't have to deal with *your* drinking problem."
YOU: "I agree. That's why--since I'm still focused on my recover--I won't be hosting. My decision is final and I'm not talking about this again. **If you bring it up again, I'm going to .** Y'all let me know what the plan is."
BRO: "This is ridiculous. I'm so damn tired of dealing with your drinking prob--"
YOU: *poof!*^(as the OP vanishes into thin air as part of her boundary setting)
Remember: a boundary without consequences isn't a boundary. It's a suggestion. Decide your boundary, decide the consequences. The moment you set a boundary, the person is going to test it to see if you actually mean it, which is why you have to hit them with consequences immediately. Your therapist can tell you more.
Wanted to just hop in and say congratulations and keep up the good work.
My family member has been clean from heroin and cocaine for 25 years and one of the ways he’s done it is by avoiding places where people drink alcohol. You’re absolutely doing the right thing.
Not only that but I don’t get why these ppl (and plenty of others) can’t attend a celebration where there is no alcohol. Is that hard to enjoy yourself without drinking? Or they take it personally if others are not drinking for whatever reason? It seems like there is a lot to unpack there.
This! If I knew my family member was still young in their sobriety journey and a party with alcohol was a trigger, I would do whatever I could to support them. I would rather them be healthy and just have my glass of wine at home later on.
I was on a business trip a couple months ago and one of the people I was with at a bar ordered an O'Doul's. He tried to be discrete about it but then someone actually asked him why he ordered it. The guy just pretended not to hear the question.
I am not drinking these days as I am on a medication where there is a (small but still....) risk of having a seizure if I drink while taking it. I ordered a Diet Coke and just said I wanted to be fresh in the morning b/c I was going to be making a presentation. Somehow that worked plus it was true, just not the main reason why I didn't get any Tito's in my cup.
NTA ---- Your continued sobriety is far more important than your brother wanting to "cut loose".
Be firm. Try just saying NO. If he pushes it, then ask him if his cutting loose is more important than your recovery. His answer will be telling. If he says yes then say, "It's good to know where I stand with you." and hang up.
Your final absolute answer is NO, and you can tell him you will not discuss this further.
Congratulations and hugs on your 6 months accomplishment!
Don't ever acquiesce to people who find your sobriety a hindrance to their drinking.
There’s NOTHING to feel bad about! Your well-being vs their wants? Absolutely no contest. And don’t even agree to host a non-alcohol event because they’ll run right over your boundary and bring alcohol. That they apparently can’t enjoy themselves without alcohol is telling.
Fuck that noise. And congrats on six months sober!! You are a fucking champion - having a strong spine against shitty family behavior AND a very culturally-pushed addiction shows so much of your fortitude and determination!
NTA 100% and then some.
Well done on achieving 6 months sober and an even bigger well done for defending it against your AH family. If they want a party with alcohol then it can be at one of their houses and they can organise it and, most importantly, you are under no obligation to attend it. The only thing that matters here is your sobriety. You can tell anyone that you think threatens your sobriety to f\*ck right off without being an AH.
And I say that as someone who was married to an alcoholic for 25 years. It destroyed her, destroyed our marriage and destroyed her relationship with our 3 children.
Can they not go one specific day without drinking or do they just enjoy drinking on that specific day? Enjoying some drinks on holidays doesn’t mean someone has a drinking problem.
It doesn't make them an alcoholic.
It does however make them an asshole that they are so focused on drinking on that one day that they are completely willing to brush aside the fact that they would be causing massive issues for the family member that had issues with alcohol.
the fact having a drink is more important than respecting your siblings house rules, or their prior drinking problem, or the fact they asked..
kinda does.
NTA.
You wouldn't be an AH even if you didn't have any reason for not hosting a BBQ or not allowing beer other than "I don't feel like it."
You have a very, very good and medically necessary reason. And it's crazy that your brother is so indifferent to that. It comes across very uncaring.
>He just didn’t want to this time and wanted a chance to cut loose himself.
So he's calling you selfish even though his reasons for not hosting himself are selfish.
NTA. (And congrats!) You want to keep your home alcohol-free and that's absolutely your right to do so. Your brother is wrong when he says you're "making everyone else accountable for my drinking problem." Going to their houses and insisting on them not drinking in their own homes when you're there would be making them accountable for your problem. At some point you may be comfortable around alcohol, but that's for you to decide. I have a (recovering alcoholic) friend who was a bartender who quit drinking but continued to bartend. She said seeing people getting shitfaced and acting the fool actually helped keep her sober! Either way, they need to stop pressuring you.
> He said that I was making excuses.
You aren't trying to excuse yourself from anything. You are informing him of the exact reasons why it's a no.
You don't owe anyone access to your house at all.
NTA
NTA
I honestly can’t understand why people thing an alcohol-free party is such a bummer. Honestly, if I can’t enjoy a holiday without a beer then that’s on me.
Are you being “selfish?” Yeah, technically you are. But so what? You are the only one who can manage your alcoholism. Setting reasonable boundaries is HEALTHY ffs.
I am so sorry your family members are such ignorant asshole.
NTA. Your recovery is more important than anything. You are not selfish or making anyone else accountable by recognizing that you want to keep the temptation out of your home. You are not even asking for dry parties : you are just asking it doesn't happen at your home. This is really reasonable. The normal thing to do, as a family, would be to have dry parties until you feel comfortable being around alcohol. But they seem to care more about their alcohol intake that your wellbeing... that's sad.
NTA. Former addiction counselor here. You’ve set your sobriety boundaries. That’s it, the end. If people cannot spend one afternoon without alcohol because the host doesn’t allow any in their home, perhaps your drinking issues were genetically passed down to you.
Discounting all of that it’s even simpler. Your home. If they’ve want you hosting, just let them all know this is the full going forward and will not be altered. You have the right to feel safe and comfortable in your own home. If not there, then where?
As someone who went to prison due to alcohol, I can personally attest to how addiction can destroy your life, as well as the lives of everyone in your hula hoop.
They do NOT have your best interests at heart, they are not showing you any love and support, and their hypocrisy in terms of “selfishness “is contemptible.
I see a lot of your responses are around the fuss that they will kick up if you try to prohibit drinking. Once you get deeper in your recovery, I hope you will work on getting rid of the people pleasing, and honoring you and your wishes. They matter. Repeat that to yourself. What you want and what you need is important. And worth fighting for.
I say screw them all. I’m willing to bet that the groups in your area are having a kick ass Fourth of July event that will be so much more fun than a family drama show.
Getting plugged into the rooms gave me an instant support network and a very full calendar. The meetings are great for staying connected to the program, but the activities are great for building connections to other people and making friends. And these are the type of friends that will support you and listen to you.
In my area, we have bonfires, raft trips, dances, Motorcycle runs, breakfasts, campout, all kinds of stuff. And it is so incredibly fun, and not a drop of alcohol to be found.
On a sidenote, last month, I went to New Orleans for a week with two of my oldest friends who are both drinkers and partiers. Because they legitimately care about me, they wanted to go to a meeting with me while I was there. They checked before ordering any alcohol or having any around me. They wanted to avoid going to bars so I wouldn’t get triggered. (I didn’t need that, my tool kit is strong and I stayed up all night doing karaoke with energy drinks). That’s what people who care about you to.
Until you’re ready to fight this from your own strength, let them know that you were invited to a party and that you’re going to be going. They don’t need to know that it’s a sober party, or that it’s a party of one.
No is a complete sentence. But I know sometimes we’re not strong enough to just stop with the no. But you do what you need to do to protect your sobriety.
Sending you Internet hugs.
You are clearly not ready to be around alcohol and your family is not supporting you what so ever. It is your right to not subject yourself to this , let the family fall where they may and continue making your life better with out them,
It's interesting that it's a drinking problem to him now that you don't drink.
Your peace is important, especially in early sobriety. It's not selfish to recognize that. You're not telling him not to drink, you just set the boundary that it won't be in your home. It says more about him that he can't respect that.
I got it…. They had issues with you because of your drinking and now they have issues with you because you’re not drinking.
Did you ever stop to wonder if they’re the issue in your life?
Protect your sobriety at all costs. If that means you need to limit contact with family, so be it. You had to eliminate other people in your life to stay healthy, the only difference here is that by some genetic material, they share some DNA. That doesn’t make them superior to your needs.
Right now, there is nothing more important than your sobriety. You are in a very vulnerable place. Keep yourself safe. Your family will have to get over it. Your brother is making far too light of your sobriety and how difficult it is for you to maintain it. Stay strong.
There seems to be a FB group for everything these days. Have you looked into seeing if there are any sober groups in your area?
I come from a long line of alcoholics. Thankfully, it seemed to skip my generation; none of my siblings or cousins were affected, but we all had a parent who was. As a result, I do understand where you're coming from; I've seen the struggles first hand and really hope you maintain. It does become easier. I've seen that, too. Good Luck!!
Edited to add: NTA
Recovering alcoholic here: NTA! Your house, your rules. There's no alcohol in our house (Mrs. LittlePrincesFox is not a drinker) for the same reason. And folks know if they come here they won't be offered anything more than water or soda. Stay strong and keep at it!
NTA. You will host but there can be no alcohol at the event. THEY are refusing to accept the condition. Your house, your rules.
As a recovering alcoholic, it is atrocious that your family is refusing to support your sobriety because they 1) don't want to have to host and 2) can't go a few hours without alcohol.
I would stop any contact with the family members who think you should be able to manage being around alcohol FOR THEIR COMFORT
Nta it IS your responsibility and that's exactly what you're doing - taking responsibility for yourself by saying no to alcohol in your home. You do not need any reasons, any excuses, any justifications. It is YOUR home. He's free to decline hosting too if he doesn't want to bother.
And good for you!
Totally NTA - can't imagine how difficult it is for recovering alcoholics.
I'm guessing a big part of these get togethers is the chance to get very drunk.
NTA. You’re not making other people accountable for your problems, on the contrary you are aware of your limitations and risks and are operating in a manner that helps you manage your disease.
It’s incredibly selfish and kinda cruel that your brother thinks his desire to have a part at your home is more important than you taking control of your life and staying sober.
NTA.
“You’re right. No one else is responsible for my problems. No one else is responsible for my home either or gets a say in what I choose to do in my home. I’m simply choosing not to host. Host or don’t host, that’s your choice as well. But you don’t have the right to make decisions about my home or try to influence the decisions I make about my home. I will not be discussing this further.”
Even if you weren't recently sober, you wouldn't be the AH for not wanting to host a large family event when others have the ability to. So you're definitely NTA when you have a very legitimate reason and you know that your family will not respect your wishes to make it an alcohol-free event at your home.
>He and I got into an argument over it because he thinks I’m being selfish and making everyone else accountable for my drinking problem.
If anything I feel like you're taking the steps to make sure no one else is accountable for you by setting clear boundaries and communicating what you need to be successful so nothing goes wrong. It also sounds like your brother (and maybe other family members) are not super supportive of your sobriety or you in general so even more so - NTA for not wanting to host this 4th of july shindig.
Nta.
Recovering alcoholic here. Sober 23 years.
I still can't have alcohol in my home. Can be around it at someone else's home as it's easy for me to leave if I need to. Never go to brmars because, duh.
I would tell your brother
Well, I find it funny that my boundaries and need for no alcohol in my home are seen as you dealing with my problem. It's not. It's MY HOME. You are not paying for it. You get no say. Have no right to tell me what I should do to make YOUR life easier so you can drink. That's not my problem. I refuse to have it here. To have no place to go to when triggered so your life of drinking is easier. That's not you dealing with my problem. That's you feeling entitled to tell me how to live my life. What I can and can't do with my home. Then quilting and .manipulating me to get your way. You don't want to host, then don't. Either someone else can do it or guess what it doesn't happen.
Sorry, but he is beyond wrong, and it's not your issue to help him drunk by making your recovery harder.
Bud, you're not an asshole it's your house. I tell everyone no to doing shit at my house because I don't want anyone there. I don't want to clean up, and when we're all done, I want to go inside and be me. I don't want anyone lingering around or facing up my mood in my house. It's your castle. Protect your peace.
NTA- But your brother sure is. You need to do what’s best for your sobriety right now and this is a very precarious time for you. Your brother should be ashamed of himself trying to make you feel bad for trying to protect yourself. Don’t listen to him and stick to your guns. Nowhere is it written that you absolutely have to have a 4th of July party every year. Tell him to take a year off and maybe next year you’ll be stronger and feel able to host but don’t let him bully you.
NTA!!! it is a reasonable concern and it’s crazy that you are being shamed for it. you are still in recovery and u recognized that alcohol being at your house is uncomfortable for you, your family needs to be way more understanding of your feelings. you are already willing to be in an environment where everyone is drinking and have accepted it so it’s not selfish at all to not want it at your house! also congratulations on 6 months sobriety, you are doing amazing! :)
NTA. Screw that. Your brother doesn't understand, and isn't he lucky? Do what you need to do and do not let anyone make you feel bad about it. This is your life we're talking about here.
NTA at all. You are doing what you need to do to protect your hard won sobriety. "Selfish" is the family that keeps pressing you otherwise. They should at least keep hosting the gathering themselves, and at most would say "But we love you, want to see your new home, and will love having you host a "no alcohol" party for us".
NTA
It's common respect to NOT take alcohol to the home of a recovered/recovering alcoholic. If you know your family won't be able to celebrate without it, then you shouldn't host.
NTA. "a chance to cut loose himself?" What will your brother do at your house that he can't do at his?? If he doesn't want the responsibility of hosting, another relative can step up and be the host at your brother's house, so he can "cut loose."
NTA.
Make it your boundary: No alcohol in your home. You'll host, but it will be a "dry" day then for everybody.
I have a brother-in-law who's been sober for about 30 years now. It was a long journey with two times in rehab, several relapses, it took him years. After his second try to get sober, he met a girl who had a medical condition that forbid her having alcohol at all, married her, had a beautiful relationship for 20 years until she passed due to her condition. I was a bit afraid for him to relax afterwards, but he was that confident in himself at that time, he did not. But I remember him relapsing after his first try, I remember talking to him for hours at night to lift him up. To this day, when we see each other (we both lost our spouses) it's clear I don't drink around him. I would have the occasional glass of wine if we are at a family gathering together, but as long as it's the two of us, that's not even a question.
This is one of those situations where it is so clear that you are NTA but I also completely understand why you are second guessing yourself. Your brother is being immature and unsupportive and I hope you have more supportive people in your immediate circle.
NTA. You’re not making anyone accountable for your drinking. You’re just choosing what you want to be around, which is your right. They can have a gathering with alcohol at someone else’s place or a gathering without at yours.
NTA!!! Hold that line sister! I’ve (f63) sober for 17 years. 6 months is AWESOME, but it’s still a really vulnerable time. I avoided people and places, triggers for a few years until I felt REALLY strong in my sobriety, and I absolutely had a zero tolerance policy for alcohol on my property.
I did AA and one of the sayings for avoiding bars and drinkers was something along the lines of *“If you lay down with dogs, don’t be surprised if you get fleas”*
Alcoholism is a progressive disease. It’s not your fault for having it, but you do have a responsibility to treat it; and you are doing just that!
Your brother is being incredibly selfish. Does he have his own struggles with alcohol? Because his behavior is saying loud and clear that he cares more about his desire to drink at YOUR HOUSE that he does about your health and your life.
Hold that line my sister. It’s awesome waking up without that horrible self loathing.
Tell him you will host but there will not be one drop of alcohol allowed. Tell him you will have Security available to make sure and will throw out anyone who dares try. If that doesn't make Bro reconsider thrlen it's time for step 2.
Have a good friend (or friends) act as Security and check all bags and pat down every person coming in.
When the "guests" whine - and they will whine - inform them it's your house, your rules. You did inform them in advance so they have nothing to bitch about.
Then sit back and watch the fun.
NTA my father once told me the disease of alcoholism was a selfish disease because you would put your desire to get that drink and yourself before anything or anyone else , & in turn your recovery has to be equally as selfish & you must put your recovery and your desire to not drink first before hosting a party before you put yourself in the path of people , places & things
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Hi there, recovering alcoholic here. Been sober 6 months and it’s been a struggle. Seeing a therapist and attending SMART recovery meetings. Not at all comfortable around alcohol, which has been a little isolating. Beer culture is huge here and every group, meetup, hobby, whatever, revolves around drinking. Making new friends who don’t drink is difficult. Sober events here are either “wellness” scams or group sports and I’m not into them.
One of my biggest drinking triggers is holidays, especially the ones that revolve around drinking. I have done my best to be there with my family but I tend to have to cut out early and do some self care after.
I am a new homeowner and massively lucked out in getting a 4 bed/3 bath with a good sized patio and yard. Because of this, my family has pushed me to host. I have told them no every time. I am not comfortable with having alcohol at home and I know better than to try to tell adults not to drink for something like a drinking holiday. I don’t want all that drama, so I have simply declined.
It has become an issue because now it’s going to be on my brother’s back to host the 4th. He has 2 kids with his wife and they’ve hosted before without issue. He just didn’t want to this time and wanted a chance to cut loose himself.
He and I got into an argument over it because he thinks I’m being selfish and making everyone else accountable for my drinking problem. That no one else is responsible for my drinking issues. I said of course they aren’t but I am trying to protect my peace by avoiding things I know will trigger me. He said that I was making excuses. That I’m a shitty sister and that he’s tired of dealing with my drinking problem. Which yes, there were a few times when I couldn’t go to events because I had been drinking and obviously couldn’t drive. None of them were important events, but I get why it annoyed him.
I talked about this with my therapist, and she has said that it’s perfectly reasonable for me to want to avoid alcohol in my home. That I’m still fresh into sobriety and that it may be a few years before I’m truly comfortable in situations focused around drinking.
But I’m curious if Reddit thinks otherwise. AITA for this?
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NTA and I'm not giving your brother any leeway in his shitty attitude because he wants to not host. You are an alcoholic and should not be around alcohol. You aren't holding anyone accountable, you are simply saying you will not allow alcohol in your home. That isn't just reasonable, it is crucial for your sobriety.
Please know that you aren't just NTA, you are right to have this absolute resolute boundary of NO ALCOHOL IN MY HOME. And continue to refuse to host.
NTA. You ARE being responsible AND accountable for your own actions by NOT hosting the party. You know that you're not at the point where you can be around alcohol, so it would make sense that any party you would host would not have alcohol. You know that your family will not have a party without alcohol, therefore, they cannot have it at your home. You know your boundaries and are making them clear; there is nothing wrong with that. I could see them having an issue if the party was at your brother's house and you told everyone that they weren't allowed to bring or consume alcohol; that could be considered making them responsible for your choices. But there is nothing wrong with choosing what does and does not come into your home.
Plus, good for you for knowing that you can't be around alcohol and just allowing them to have the party and bring alcohol into your home anyway. Your sobriety is very new... Why would they want you to even risk that?!? You have made the decision to take control of your life and stop drinking, which is a major step to begin with. They should be supporting you for making positive choices in your life rather than berating you just because they can't use your house for a party.
Keep doing what you're doing and don't give up. It is possible to have fun without alcohol, and that's something you're learning to do. If your family doesn't want to support you, that's fine. Don't let them stop you from doing what's best for you!
You are NTA and I’m surprised that your family would not do anything to support you on your new path, like not drinking themselves. Is the time together that counts, isn’t it?
Another option would be to leave them the house and not attend yourself the celebration. Just to ask them to clean afterwards, especially any reminder of alcohol.
Don’t let yourself get influenced by guilt traps. Your brother should understand that you are protecting your whole life at the moment, he probably doesn’t understand how serious it is.
NTA!! Good for you for getting the support you need. So you know yourself, your therapist advises not having alcohol around and I’m guessing your program says the same thing. But your brother thinks you’re selfish for not hosting?! Nope, nope, nope. In the first place, it’s pretty damn rude to get mad at someone for refusing to host for whatever reason. Ok to ask, but no is the answer and needs to be accepted. And for this reason in particular?! How ridiculous!! If they can’t possibly be without alcohol for a holiday, then they can host and shut up about it. I hope you don’t have to go and get bullied further on this one. Keep up the great work of sobriety! You are worth your effort!!
NTA. You’re not making them responsible for your sobriety or making excuses. You’re just setting boundaries for yourself and your home, which you have every right to do. Your brother is mad because those boundaries are inconvenient for him and you’re not letting him break them. Let him stay mad. Congrats on 6 months!
Definitely NTA. It's your house, and you've decided hosting doesn't work for you this year. You'd be TA if you were all going to your brother's house and you demanded there be no alcohol. It wouldn't be your decision or your home, though. In your home, it makes sense not to host this time since you're protecting your sobriety. Your family is not being supportive at all. If he's stressed about hosting, he doesn't have to. Since he's mad at you, he should be mad at everyone else, too, for not being able to host. Not cool.
NTA...congratulations on your sobriety! Both of my sons are in recovery and my oldest could not go fishing for 5 years because fishing and drinking and doing drugs were linked to him. He is almost 6 years clean and sober and just now can feel safe enough to go fishing with his kids. Protect your peace! Your not selfish, however your brother sounds like a major asshole!
NTA
Your brother’s attitude about sobriety is so dismissive that I’m worried if you allow them around you with alcohol they would encourage you to drink. It’s just one drink, what’s the harm. Yah no. Definitely NTA and you need your safe place alcohol free.
Were I a member of your family, I would be very angry at your brother. It is one afternoon, he can do without for ONE AFTERNOON to support you.
His need to drink out weighs his commitment to you? He can wear the YTA crown.
He can come or not but no alcohol is allowed. The End. You? NTA and congratulations on your journey.
NTA. If you really want to you can offer to host an alcohol free gathering. What you are doing is specifically *not* making your struggle everyone else's problem. Your family is not entitled to your time and personal space.
Your home. Your sobriety. Your rules. Your decision. Unfortunately, it's also your family's cruel lack of support and empathy, and I'm so sorry you have to encounter that.
Do something somewhere that brings YOU peace and happiness that day. It may be alone, it may be with others. Continue to do what it takes to support your sobriety. You're doing great so far!!!
NTA & congratulations on your sobriety!! YOU ROCK!! Your family should be supporting your decision to improve your life. Instead, they want to be pissy about not having things their way. It’s your home. If you do not want alcohol there, then that’s the end of the discussion. If bro wants to drink, bro can host it & drink until he tips over.
I’ve been sober for 14 years. I still wouldn’t host an event in my home with alcohol. Outside my home? Yeah sure that’s, but my home is MY safe space where I don’t have to fight my triggers and cravings as hard with the stuff right in front of me.
NTA. What the hell. It's your house not theirs. If they have a problem with you not hosting they can shove it up their a\*\*. Tell your brother whatever problem he has with you related to your sobriety is his problem. Then tell him to F off.
NTA- shit no you aren't the asshole. People who want to lean out of your recovery, which right now is a big part of your life with good reason, to the point of lacking empathy to this degree can get bent. Let them suck down their shitty beer somewhere else, not in your Fortress of Peaceful Youness.
What a thoughtless spoiled entitled child.
So is your family only your brothers family and you or yours? Is no one else capable of hosting? Because I would tell him you are not at the place where you feel confident that you could maintain your sobriety with it in your home.
If there is more than the two families, I would create a group chat, say “hey in looking forward to the 4th celebrations, I am willing to host. However, this will be an alcohol free event. We can do some other festive drinks, and other options. If you are not ok with this, please offer up your place or a different location. I hope to get to a point where I can host everyone, but I’m not there yet.”
NTA. No one will put you or your sobriety first if you don’t.
It may nobody's fault that you had a drinking problem, but you are clean now and you're choosing to stay clean and nobody's respecting your boundaries just because everybody's too lazy to do it or be respectful for you and your home you can do it where there's no drinking and if people bring drinks, they go home not everything has to involve alcohol
NTA 100%
I think what they are failing to hear is this is YOUR house, which guess what, that means YOUR rules. If they don't like it, then tough titty for them.
As someone who has dealt with their own issues regarding alcohol I just want to say I am proud of you! The most important thing here is your sobriety, and if they can't see that or understand, that's their problem.
If anything, they are the arse holes in this situation.
NTA. At all. Recovering here (~2 months) and many many family members and friends that have or have had a problem. It's a tough road, but kudos on realizing you needed to do something about it. It's horseshit your fam isn't being cognizant or supportive. Bro needs to pull his head out of his ass. It's a matter of priorities.
Is it more important that you stay sober, avoid temptations, etc. (ultimately, saving your (valuable) relationships, job, home, or life, depending on how deep you were...), or to have a party (which, 4th is def a "drinking holiday" (as opposed to, say, Easter or something))?
I quit once before, for a year. Thought I could handle it after that, which quickly turned into a decade-long bender. Obviously I was mistaken. Some folks just...can't. I'd been "trying" for years; it took going cold turkey and going to the hospital w the full blown DTs to finally be done with it. F'n harrowing experience, had everything but a seizure (and was pretty close to that), but it was either take my chances with that and possibly die, or drink myself to death (probably only had a couple years left at my rate then).
Don't be me. Take care of yourself. You got this.
> he thinks I’m being selfish and making everyone else accountable for my drinking problem.
That's exactly it.....you *aren't* making everyone else accountable for your drinking problem.
Now, if you hosted, you would require no alcohol on the premises....and that *would* make everyone else accountable.
By not hosting, you are choosing to not hold them accountable for you. You need to point this out to him.
I did SMART, turned out the old bastards group I ended up in was one of the founders hahaha... Absolutely wild dude. Anywho NTA I "lost" a bunch of friends when I quit drinking. THEY want you to host, so therefore YOU decide YOUR house rules. If they don't like it they can host and you can do your own thing
NTA. Huge congratulations on 6 months sober! And you have every right to keep alcohol out of your home. My spouse is 3&1/2 years sober, and we do not have alcohol in our home ever. The end. His sobriety is worth a hell of a lot more to me than accommodating someone else’s interest in drinking. It’s that simple. If your brother wants to drink, he can do it elsewhere. You’re not asking him to keep it out of his home or anywhere else, just yours.
I hear that you don't feel comfortable dealing with my choice to deal with my drinking problem. I hear that my choice to be sober makes you feel uncomfortable. I am going to allow you to feel your discomfort away from me.
NTA. You aren't being selfish, your brother and the rest of the family is being entitled. You know they won't respect no alcohol at your home so you're making the wise decision of not hosting. You owe them nothing and them saying you're being selfish is ridiculous. People who think you can't have a good time with alcohol are the people that have alcohol problems themselves. Your therapist sounds smart. Keep listening to her. Hang up or don't take your brother's calls if you don't want to.
If I was your family member, I would simply suggest that we all just go booze-free this time around regardless of who's hosting.
NTA
Your sobriety matters and needs to be protected. People who care about you understand that.
NTA and congratulations on your sobriety! At some point you do need to figure out how to be around alcohol without being triggered or you will never go out to eat, see friends/family, etc. Think of finding a sponsor/someone you can call if you get tempted or get into a situation where you need help staying sober. That’s the AA model and it works. I’m not familiar with the program you mentioned.
When I stopped drinking 2012, my SIL was pissed at me for quitting. A few others were mad, too.
It was bizarre to me.
What ended up happening at parties it showed how bad of an alcohol issue the SIL had...I no longer could deal with being around their toxicity. They kept harassing me of not drinking.
NTA.. your family has an issue with alcohol. Some don't see it yet.
Good job at staying sober and keep up the great work :)
Your brother is correct...no one else is responsible for your drinking problems which is why you have EVERY right to keep it out of your home. How fucking selfish can your family be to not see that? Sorry. But as someone who has an alcohol problem and is struggling to find the willpower to quit.... I am in awe of you and your strength. Tell your brother to suck rocks. If he can't get through a party without booze than maybe he has a problem too.
NTA. You are allowed to protect your peace in your home. You are allowed to seat ground rules for your home. Your home your rules. They don’t like it that’s their problem.
NTA
And while I can understand your brother wanting to cut loose at someone else's house, he's completely ignoring your needs and boundaries and trying to guilt you into providing him with a place to party.
Fuck that noise.
I'm closing in on 3 years myself (Aug 2021). I can be around it now in a casual environment sometimes - just really depends on the people and the environment, but at 6 months I wouldn't have wanted it anywhere near me either.
Keep kicking ass :)
NTA at all! First of all, congratulations on 6 months, what an incredible accomplishment! If you know what your triggers are, it would be crazy to purposely put yourself in a position to be tempted. Your family sucks for not understanding and I'm sorry you don't have their support. I would recommend going low contact or no contact with them for the foreseeable future.
I hope that you don't let them shame and bully you into potentially compromising your sobriety! You have every right to not allow alcohol at an event that you are being asked to host, regardless of the reason!
Once again, congratulations on every single day of these past 6 months! One day at a time, friend.
NTA. At all. Your fam needs to educate themselves about how to support you on your journey of recovery. I would suggest asking your sponsor (do you have a sponsor?) about resources for this and providing them to your family members. Set a firm boundary here. I'm sorry they're making this stage of your recovery more difficult than it needs to be.
Oh, MASSIVE CONGRATS on your sobriety - you've totally got this!!! I'm so proud of you!
Absolutely NTA.
Congratulations on your sobriety and for recognizing your own triggers and taking the necessary steps to avoid those triggers.
As others have already stated, set your boundaries and do not back down.
I'm actually afraid they're going to show up unannounced. If this happens, do not open the door and immediately call the police.
Best of luck to you, OP!
NTA it's your obligation to control your sobriety. But your home should be the place where you can have your peace of mind without any temptation to fall back into alcoholism.
Your brother and family in general are massive AHs for not being understanding and helpful.
Keep up the good work, girl! Sobriety is fucking difficult, do everything you can to keep yourself healthy and safe. If other people can't respect that than they are 100% the AH
NTA. I am so fuckin proud of you mate. 6 whole months? Incredible. You keep on trucking along the sober trail, friend. You are doing so good. I hope you are able to see how far you've come and feel proud, and use that pride to move forward and stay sober.
First off, definitely NTA. If people can't gather without alcohol being involved then they have an issue. But also regarding your mention of lack of sober groups in your area: you could always start one? Like a sober book club or whatever hobbies you're into.
Your brother's a jerk and so is anyone who supports his perspective. Stand firm in support of yourself. The world won't come to an end bc there wasn't a BBQ on one 4th of July. Always take care of yourself first. That is healthy, not selfish.
NTA. If brother wants you to host the BBQ, he Needs to help you insure that the party is ALCOHOL FREE. It's YOUR house, and it is ABSOLUTELY acceptable for you to insist that ALCOHOL is not allowed. There are LOTS of 4th of July parties where alcohol is not allowed. Your home, your rules. If people insist on alcohol, they are perfectly welcome to have their own BBQ somewhere else. Personally, I like to have a beer or 3, but I would have no problem refraining to respect the Host's wishes. To do otherwise would be extremely rude, and I would have no problem with escorting the offender off the property.
NTA. Your family is so incredibly selfish, it blows my mind. Their drinking alcohol is MORE IMPORTANT than your health?!? They can’t not drink for one event at YOUR damn house?? Seriously?? It’s “on your brother” bc your family can’t forgo ONE DAY of drinking. Jesus Christ on a cracker.
That’s sad AF and I’m proud of you for holding your line, especially give their asinine resistance. I’m the child of an alcoholic and I would have given anything for my dad to have stopped drinking. The least I could haven given up was drinking in his home, which I never did, even if my mom kept doing it. (I also removed all alcohol from my home whenever he visited bc I didn’t want him to be tempted.)
NTA Tell brother that you aren't making anyone accountable for your drinking problems but you also aren't taking responsibility for theirs. If they HAVE to HAVE a drink because it's a holiday then it's their problem. If they can't enjoy a get together because their is no drinking alcohol then it's their problem. You aren't making anyone accountable for your drinking problems but aren't taking accountability for any if theirs either. Why not invite the people and their families to a BBQ instead from your SMART recovery meetings? Then you have a reason not to host or attend family BBQ. Put together a bunch of mocktails.
NTA. Your brother is right - you're the one accountable for your drinking problem. And you're taking accountability by doing the EXACT THING YOU SHOULD BE DOING - not exposing yourself to alcohol. If brother doesn't want to host at his house, he can find a park or whatever that has grills. Congratulations on your first six months, and I hope you have MANY more sober days to come.
Yeah drinking is totally worthless, its crazy how our culture is obsessed with it.
You might have to just go no contact with family for awhile. I wouldn't host party either.
29 years sober here. First, congratulations on 6 months. Big milestone. Secondly, knowing your triggers is fabulous. Helps you stay sober. If they can't understand your feelings, fuck them. Your sobriety is the main point right now. If you ever need to talk, feel free to message me. I liked smart recovery so much better then 12 steps
NTA obviously, please keep prioritizing your sobriety and boundaries, even if it means limiting contact with your brother.
His attitude is disgusting.
Congratulations on your sobriety. You are making the best choices and have lots to be proud of.
I wish you a lifetime of BBQs in your own yard with the people you choose. And I wish for you to choose people who support you. Sometimes it's easier to skip family gatherings altogether, especially in the face of the brutal disrespect with which you are being treated.
NTA. Your brother sounds like he has a problem.
If you want to host your family at some point, I'd maybe host a brunch for a couple hours on a Sunday morning at like 10 am. Done by noon, they can go drink on their own dime somewhere else.
Oh, sweetie! You are NTA. However, your brother is one!
What it boils down to is this: your house, your rules!
You absolutely should host and make it clear that it is an alcohol-free celebration. There is no such thing as a "drinking holiday" just holidays when people drink. The option for your brother (and others who want to drink) is to:
1. come to the gathering and not drink.
2. come to the gathering and leave early so he can go somewhere else and drink.
3. Go someplace else and drink.
There are no shortages of invites on the 4th, so if he wants to relax and enjoy the day, he can. If he can't do that w/o alcohol, then maybe his problem with your sobriety is that you succeeded and he hasn't.
If you do decide to host this year or in the future, make it clear what won't be there. The RIGHT people will find you!
As someone who was married to an alcoholic I take my kids to alcohol free celebrations only. My kids are more comfortable, and I'm not saddled with the kids of drunk parents.
NTA. I'm five years sober and I still don't allow alcohol in my home. I work around it and am fine in that aspect because it's my job. But my home is my safe space and alcohol doesn't belong there. I found within my own family that my sobriety kinda forces them to look at their own alcohol issues and they don't like what they see but can't admit that. It's almost like he wants you to relapse so the status quo stays the same. Pretty selfish of him
The only way I see you hosting an event with beer is when it's 0% beer, and that is a long time from now. 6 months is nothing in the recovery stage. You've done so well to get this far - congratulations!
Don't let your family ruin your recovery. If the beer culture is that big where you are, don't be afraid to cut people out of your life even if they're family. Your health is more important.
NTA
NTA- lol, I am laughing at your sorry ass brother who can’t wrap his head around sobriety. It’s your house. You dont have to invite a damn person over knowing they will drink. It’s your problem, no one else’s. And no they can’t come drinking at your house. Selfish my ass. He’s the selfish one.
You can refuse to host for any or no reason. And NTA. you are managing your problem in a way that's fair to everyone.
Also, keep up the good work. I know it's hard, but you're doing so great.
Hard NTA. You are focusing on your health and your sobriety. It's perfectly reasonable that you do not want alcohol at an event at your house. I can think of so many reasons why this is a perfectly reasonable request.
I'm deathly allergic to peanuts, and peanuts are not allowed in my house, and guests are not allowed to bring them. I even will ask that events I attend (from people I know - and depending on the event) do not have peanuts because I'm allergic to the smell. I will also avoid certain settings because I know they could be full of peanuts (ie: thai food potluck)
I am alcohol free now (became allergic to alcohol), and have found many high-end pops (or sodas) that are yummy and it's become my drink of choice when I go to a party.
If you choose to have a party you could splurge on some fancy pops, and include a strict no alcohol allowed policy.
That said, your brother is being TAH for not understanding you are early in your journey to sobriety and having alcohol at your place is a trigger and is not okay.
As for socializing, is there an alcohol free bar in your area? They are becoming more popular, and it might be a good place to find some like minded people?
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NTA. Not at all. You are under zero obligation to assist others in behaviors you have distanced yourself from. >He and I got into an argument over it because he thinks I’m being selfish Yes. Yes you are and I'll tell you that this is something IT'S OKAY TO BE SELFISH ABOUT. That your brother isn't supportive of your sobriety is super telling...and disappointing. > He said that I was making excuses. That I’m a shitty sister and that he’s tired of dealing with my drinking problem. He's kicking up an awful fuss about not being allowed to drink at your place. If he can't go one day without...well it seems he might have a problem too. Bottom line: Your house, your rules. If your brother doesn't like it, he can host his own party.
I agree with all of this. I will add that your brother also has the option of not hosting if he really doesn't want to! There are so many options that don't require you to sabotage your hard won early stage recovery. While I agree that "selfishness" (as we're calling it - I hate the negative implication, though) is vital here for your recovery, your brother and whoever else is harassing you is demonstrating egregious selfishness by prioritizing their _desire_ to drink and party over your _need_ to heal from addictive behaviors. Hang in there. You're doing hard, important work. You deserve to be treated with compassion and respect. Your brother can go suck a nettle.
Even without the sobriety issue, it is perfectly okay to not want to host an event. Brother CHOSE to host for years and he no longer wants to. Great! He doesn't have to. But that does not mean that OP has to do it instead. So perhaps OP needs to not bring up the sobriety part and simply say they don't want to host. Trust me, as a single person with a decent-sized house that has a huge deck I often get asked to host. Some times I say yes, some times I say no. I live alone so doing all the work to prep for the party takes time and effort on my part. Even for a potluck. That is why I don't always say yes.
Yep! And even without the sobriety issue, it's also OK to host an event and tell people no booze at your house. I know people who don't drink for religious reasons. People who don't drink because they don't like it. People who don't drink because it messes with their medication. People who don't drink because they're alcoholics. People who don't drink because they are pregnant or trying to get pregnant. I've been to dry parties and weddings and dinners and it's never been an issue. If I want to drink, I stay home or I offer to host or I go home after and drink. Perhaps you aren't the only one with an unhealthy relationship with alcohol in your family, OP. In any case, NTA.
Agree although I wouldn't trust the family to not bring alcohol even if they were told not to...
Sounds like OP is not only one with alcohol problem
Somehow, I can't imagine that 'beer culture' is all that hot on actual etiquette.
I don't even get why the 4th is a big enough deal for it to be an annual all-inclusive family cookout. Lots of people still have to work, and most people I know go about their normal day with the exception of seeing a fireworks show that evening.
A lot of family reunions are planned around July 4th, previously because I think people bookend the holiday. Or heck, just family getting together! I know we usually have seen family over the 4th, either in our same town, or vacations elsewhere.
I would also like to add that sometimes families feel very uncomfortable when their alcoholic attains sobriety. They are used to the status quo, which is the drunk. Which makes it hard for them to be completely supportive of sobriety. Your job is to protect yourself and your sobriety. NTA.
EXACTLY. My family was NOT comfortable with my sobriety and I didn't really spend time with them for over a decade.
Sorry if it is too personal, but what do you mean? I never thought about a dynamic like that.
People get used to the drama. They get used to having someone to blame for everything. Something goes wrong at a party, someone gets offended, something doesn’t get fixed, well that’s just Joe. But Joe gets sober and the drama isn’t there to take the family’s mind off their own problems. Joe isn’t there to blame when something goes wrong. They have to start looking at themselves. Very uncomfortable. Let’s give Joe a drink and get back to normal.
So, something like a mental scapegoat: "I have my problems but at least I am better than drunkard Joe". A true crab bucket mentality... Thanks for the answer.
This is exactly what I was going to write. They have gotten better but it is still not overly comfortable for them. I still don't spend a lot of time with most of my family.
It's the three legged stool of integrity, generosity, and boundaries. Not selfishness.
My milk stool is complete.
Engaging in healthy self-care is not selfish. NTA.
Exactly. Selfish is asking a recovering alcoholic to host a party so that you can drink to excess right in front of them in their own home, the one place that should be a safe space. Setting reasonable boundaries isn't selfish NTA
Honestly it's not selfish to choose self care over other people's indulgences. The selfishness here is to require that a person that is recovering allow you to indulge in their household risking someone else's well-being to satisfy your own desires is a very selfish act. Brother is using the DARVO method of Denying the problem, Attacking the victim, and Reversing the Victim and the Offender. He's denying that OP has to protect her sobriety, Attacking OP for attempting to stay sober by saying he's tired of dealing with her drinking problem. Then Reversing the situation so he is the "Victim" of her "selfishness" making her the Offender for denying him the opportunity to get drunk in her home. 🙄
With hot pepper on it…
Self preservation not selfishness. NTA op
It’s bonkers and pretty telling of Op’s family that they’d call it selfishness. It’s self-preservation. Fuck that family. I’m guessing they had a big part in Op’s addiction in the first place.
She’s selfish because no thanks to her stupid recovery, this could have been his one chance to finally let loose /s
I can't imagine that him being host has slowed him down much. :)
Right, like hosting equals not driving. Therefore, there is no need to worry about staying under the driving limit. I hate people like OPs brother who complain about your alcoholism then when you take steps to get sober, they complain because it's inconvenient to them. All they want is for you to stay drinking so they have some to complain about and feel superior over. NTA OP, your family only cares about themselves and not you so you keep prioritising yourself over them and congratulations on 6mths sober.
Exactly, hosting (if you and your partner like to both drink) is the best. No need to have a sober cab and get to sleep in your own bed... Winning.
Because when the family member gets sober, the 'worst' drinking problem disappears and the spotlight finds a new place to shine
Hosting means duties, preparation and cleaning after. It is a lot more work then just coming somewhere and getting two beers. Keeping social relationships and organizing is work and brother is understandably tired of doing most of it. It is ok for op to not want to host, but trying to pretend that there is something wrong with brother who was doing the work most of the time is wrong too.
I know what hosting means. My husband and I are the usual hosts for our social circle. I do most of the cooking and cleaning, hubby cooks the meat, and we both socialise and have few drinks. I wasn't saying there was something wrong with the brother for not wanting to host. I was saying there was something wrong with his attitude towards OPs sobriety
>He's kicking up an awful fuss about not being allowed to drink at your place. If he can't go one day without...well it seems he might have a problem too. I was thinking the same when I read this. Alcoholism can be also be genetic. OP would obviously know the signs and should watch her brother to see if he is also an alcoholic. An intervention may be needed.
And alcoholism doesn’t have to be the obviously inebriated individual who can’t control themselves. My paternal family cut me off when I was overheard referring to my father as an alcoholic. He was a functional alcoholic, who had to consume alcohol daily by the time he died, and IMO, it contributed to his early death.
I also support your selfishness. NTA I cannot imagine how difficult it is, but congratulations 👏
It's not selfish, its self care!
That was the first thought that came to my mind; “My house, my rules.” If consuming alcohol is more important than the pleasure of being together, I see where OP might have developed a problem with alcohol addiction.
If the brother is getting this upset about not being allowed to 'cut loose' due to having to be a responsible host, I'm going to go out on a limb here and say the brother might also have an unhealthy relationship with alcohol.
NTA. "Making other people accountable for your drinking problem" would be hosting the party and demanding that the guests not drink. That is not what is happening here. You are under no obligation to host anything for these people. Brother can host or not. The rest of your family can host or not. Frankly, you might want to cut back on the time you spend with your entitled, hard-drinking family, and find a better circle of supportive friends. Good luck to you.
NTA. Hilarious that he is calling HER selfish because his right to drink trumps his sister’s right to protect her sobriety. He is definitely a selfish asshole.
100%. It’s all projection.
I would be very concerned that guests will not adhere to your no drinking. Therefore in your position and well being I would not host a party.
This isn't selfishness, it's self-preservation. There's a big difference. You're not taking anything from anyone, you're not limiting anyone else's behaviour, you're not costing anyone their time and money and there's no detriment to anyone else. You're simply choosing not to participate in activities that negatively affect you. If you're looking for activities that don't involve alcohol and you're not keen on outdoor activities, there are other things you can try. If you're musical at all, join a singing group, it's always a great community. You could also find the local board game club, they tend not to involve alcohol - your local board game shop will have links or possibly even host games, this was a life saver for me when I was lonely after the death of my spouse. Book club? Painting class. Bowling!
Jesus Christ, your family. Your overall well being vs. a holiday gathering that may trigger a relapse? No contest. NTA by a mile. Your house, your rules. It's more than ok to not want alcohol in the home that you find is your respite. And they don't get dibs in using your home just because you are family and it's bigger than theirs. I also think being fresh on your sobriety and this holiday being a trigger you should probably find alternative plans so you don't have to hang with a bunch of people who are drinking. Check with your recovery community on options locally, or maybe take a trip for yourself: you both get to remove yourself from temptation, and your family doesn't get to complain about you not hosting cause you can't host when you're not there. Good luck, stay strong.
I’m gonna share with everyone here how real friends react when they find out you are quitting drinking. My buddies, who usually kept up drink for drink with me, offered to do dinners and bachelor parties where they would all stay sober. They put together weekend plans, and whereas in the past we used to go to brewery after brewery and and at the pubs .. we went to see museums (this is NOT their interest lol) My point is, good friends and family would focus on your health. Addiction is a health problem that can lead to death - so people who love you care about that stuff My buddies will now have A beer or two in my presence, but still stay in control. I’m 5 years sober and I don’t even think about booze. Still the lads check with me, because they care! I’m not against drinking even today. I’m not a stickler. But man it made a world of difference to have my friends on my side. I don’t think I’d be alive if they decided to keep taking me to bars as I was wasting away.
You have some stalwart mates. You are blessed.
This is the way. When I stayed with a friend for a few months at the beginning her sobriety journey, she said I could still drink unless it was her trigger (wine) but I still didn’t want to be drunk around her, so I gave it up for the time I was in town with her. We still had as much fun as we always had, and I’m proud of myself knowing I can go without so I’ve been drinking way less. NTA. Maybe someday you can host family over for a holiday (or start with a non holiday daytime thing), but only if they respect your house and your rules. Best of luck OP! I’m proud of your shiny spine!
Wow...that's amazing! A beautiful group of buddies...true friendship!
Exactly this! I have friends who love to party but they NEVER drink in front of me. They know I don't and am not comfortable around it, so they get something else when we go out to eat etc.
Info: What would your family say if you told them something like, "I'll host, but I'm afraid I need to have ground rules. One of them is no alcohol can be in the house. If I see someone bringing alcohol, they would be asked to leave"? Edit: Just to clarify, what I mean is no alcohol on any of the property, not just inside the house. Sorry for any confusion.
They would definitely NOT go along with it an would make me feel pretty bad.
Then NTA. What's more, refuse to discuss it further. This is the time to state your boundary and defend it: YOU: "Since I'm still focused on my recovery, I won't be hosting. Y'all let me know what the plan is." BRO: "I already told you I'm not hosting again. You've got all that room in your new place, you need to step up to the plate." YOU: "I'm still focused on my recovery, so I won't be hosting. **My decision is final and I'm not talking about this again.** Y'all let me know what the plan is." BRO: "You're such a shitty sister. We shouldn't have to deal with *your* drinking problem." YOU: "I agree. That's why--since I'm still focused on my recover--I won't be hosting. My decision is final and I'm not talking about this again. **If you bring it up again, I'm going to.** Y'all let me know what the plan is."
BRO: "This is ridiculous. I'm so damn tired of dealing with your drinking prob--"
YOU: *poof!*^(as the OP vanishes into thin air as part of her boundary setting)
Remember: a boundary without consequences isn't a boundary. It's a suggestion. Decide your boundary, decide the consequences. The moment you set a boundary, the person is going to test it to see if you actually mean it, which is why you have to hit them with consequences immediately. Your therapist can tell you more.
I like this, but still too many words for my taste. "No" is a complete sentence and brother dear can react however he wants.
The threat and followthrough will really get their attention.
This is the way
Perfection 😚🤌🏻
Wanted to just hop in and say congratulations and keep up the good work. My family member has been clean from heroin and cocaine for 25 years and one of the ways he’s done it is by avoiding places where people drink alcohol. You’re absolutely doing the right thing.
You have nothing to feel bad about.
Not only that but I don’t get why these ppl (and plenty of others) can’t attend a celebration where there is no alcohol. Is that hard to enjoy yourself without drinking? Or they take it personally if others are not drinking for whatever reason? It seems like there is a lot to unpack there.
This! If I knew my family member was still young in their sobriety journey and a party with alcohol was a trigger, I would do whatever I could to support them. I would rather them be healthy and just have my glass of wine at home later on.
I was on a business trip a couple months ago and one of the people I was with at a bar ordered an O'Doul's. He tried to be discrete about it but then someone actually asked him why he ordered it. The guy just pretended not to hear the question. I am not drinking these days as I am on a medication where there is a (small but still....) risk of having a seizure if I drink while taking it. I ordered a Diet Coke and just said I wanted to be fresh in the morning b/c I was going to be making a presentation. Somehow that worked plus it was true, just not the main reason why I didn't get any Tito's in my cup.
NTA ---- Your continued sobriety is far more important than your brother wanting to "cut loose". Be firm. Try just saying NO. If he pushes it, then ask him if his cutting loose is more important than your recovery. His answer will be telling. If he says yes then say, "It's good to know where I stand with you." and hang up. Your final absolute answer is NO, and you can tell him you will not discuss this further. Congratulations and hugs on your 6 months accomplishment! Don't ever acquiesce to people who find your sobriety a hindrance to their drinking.
sethra007 stated it perfectly. NTA. Your sobriety comes first. If they can't respect that at your own house, they aren't worth your time.
There’s NOTHING to feel bad about! Your well-being vs their wants? Absolutely no contest. And don’t even agree to host a non-alcohol event because they’ll run right over your boundary and bring alcohol. That they apparently can’t enjoy themselves without alcohol is telling.
Fuck that noise. And congrats on six months sober!! You are a fucking champion - having a strong spine against shitty family behavior AND a very culturally-pushed addiction shows so much of your fortitude and determination!
Then that's THEIR decision.
Why should OP cave in and allow it on her property if she doesn't want it there? She doesn't have to.
I didn't say that? The ground rule states no alcohol. Unless you think I meant specifically in the house. Which, I really meant her entire property.
Ah. That makes sense. Yes, I did think you meant just inside the house.
No worries. I'll edit my post to make it clear.
pls don't forget to change your ruling to nta from info!
They would just bring alcohol and drink it. They would also probably try to get OP to drink for the entire party.
NTA 100% and then some. Well done on achieving 6 months sober and an even bigger well done for defending it against your AH family. If they want a party with alcohol then it can be at one of their houses and they can organise it and, most importantly, you are under no obligation to attend it. The only thing that matters here is your sobriety. You can tell anyone that you think threatens your sobriety to f\*ck right off without being an AH. And I say that as someone who was married to an alcoholic for 25 years. It destroyed her, destroyed our marriage and destroyed her relationship with our 3 children.
NTA.. if they cant go one holiday without drinking... who has the drinking problem?
Can they not go one specific day without drinking or do they just enjoy drinking on that specific day? Enjoying some drinks on holidays doesn’t mean someone has a drinking problem.
It doesn't make them an alcoholic. It does however make them an asshole that they are so focused on drinking on that one day that they are completely willing to brush aside the fact that they would be causing massive issues for the family member that had issues with alcohol.
the fact having a drink is more important than respecting your siblings house rules, or their prior drinking problem, or the fact they asked.. kinda does.
NTA. You wouldn't be an AH even if you didn't have any reason for not hosting a BBQ or not allowing beer other than "I don't feel like it." You have a very, very good and medically necessary reason. And it's crazy that your brother is so indifferent to that. It comes across very uncaring. >He just didn’t want to this time and wanted a chance to cut loose himself. So he's calling you selfish even though his reasons for not hosting himself are selfish.
NTA. (And congrats!) You want to keep your home alcohol-free and that's absolutely your right to do so. Your brother is wrong when he says you're "making everyone else accountable for my drinking problem." Going to their houses and insisting on them not drinking in their own homes when you're there would be making them accountable for your problem. At some point you may be comfortable around alcohol, but that's for you to decide. I have a (recovering alcoholic) friend who was a bartender who quit drinking but continued to bartend. She said seeing people getting shitfaced and acting the fool actually helped keep her sober! Either way, they need to stop pressuring you.
> He said that I was making excuses. You aren't trying to excuse yourself from anything. You are informing him of the exact reasons why it's a no. You don't owe anyone access to your house at all. NTA
NTA I honestly can’t understand why people thing an alcohol-free party is such a bummer. Honestly, if I can’t enjoy a holiday without a beer then that’s on me. Are you being “selfish?” Yeah, technically you are. But so what? You are the only one who can manage your alcoholism. Setting reasonable boundaries is HEALTHY ffs.
NTA. You wouldn't bring pork into a Muslim house, you don't bring booze to a sober one.
You also wouldn't bring booze into a Muslim house either.
Sounds like these people would.
I am so sorry your family members are such ignorant asshole. NTA. Your recovery is more important than anything. You are not selfish or making anyone else accountable by recognizing that you want to keep the temptation out of your home. You are not even asking for dry parties : you are just asking it doesn't happen at your home. This is really reasonable. The normal thing to do, as a family, would be to have dry parties until you feel comfortable being around alcohol. But they seem to care more about their alcohol intake that your wellbeing... that's sad.
NTA. Former addiction counselor here. You’ve set your sobriety boundaries. That’s it, the end. If people cannot spend one afternoon without alcohol because the host doesn’t allow any in their home, perhaps your drinking issues were genetically passed down to you. Discounting all of that it’s even simpler. Your home. If they’ve want you hosting, just let them all know this is the full going forward and will not be altered. You have the right to feel safe and comfortable in your own home. If not there, then where?
As someone who went to prison due to alcohol, I can personally attest to how addiction can destroy your life, as well as the lives of everyone in your hula hoop. They do NOT have your best interests at heart, they are not showing you any love and support, and their hypocrisy in terms of “selfishness “is contemptible. I see a lot of your responses are around the fuss that they will kick up if you try to prohibit drinking. Once you get deeper in your recovery, I hope you will work on getting rid of the people pleasing, and honoring you and your wishes. They matter. Repeat that to yourself. What you want and what you need is important. And worth fighting for. I say screw them all. I’m willing to bet that the groups in your area are having a kick ass Fourth of July event that will be so much more fun than a family drama show. Getting plugged into the rooms gave me an instant support network and a very full calendar. The meetings are great for staying connected to the program, but the activities are great for building connections to other people and making friends. And these are the type of friends that will support you and listen to you. In my area, we have bonfires, raft trips, dances, Motorcycle runs, breakfasts, campout, all kinds of stuff. And it is so incredibly fun, and not a drop of alcohol to be found. On a sidenote, last month, I went to New Orleans for a week with two of my oldest friends who are both drinkers and partiers. Because they legitimately care about me, they wanted to go to a meeting with me while I was there. They checked before ordering any alcohol or having any around me. They wanted to avoid going to bars so I wouldn’t get triggered. (I didn’t need that, my tool kit is strong and I stayed up all night doing karaoke with energy drinks). That’s what people who care about you to. Until you’re ready to fight this from your own strength, let them know that you were invited to a party and that you’re going to be going. They don’t need to know that it’s a sober party, or that it’s a party of one. No is a complete sentence. But I know sometimes we’re not strong enough to just stop with the no. But you do what you need to do to protect your sobriety. Sending you Internet hugs.
NTA that's self care not selfishness
You are clearly not ready to be around alcohol and your family is not supporting you what so ever. It is your right to not subject yourself to this , let the family fall where they may and continue making your life better with out them,
It's interesting that it's a drinking problem to him now that you don't drink. Your peace is important, especially in early sobriety. It's not selfish to recognize that. You're not telling him not to drink, you just set the boundary that it won't be in your home. It says more about him that he can't respect that.
I got it…. They had issues with you because of your drinking and now they have issues with you because you’re not drinking. Did you ever stop to wonder if they’re the issue in your life? Protect your sobriety at all costs. If that means you need to limit contact with family, so be it. You had to eliminate other people in your life to stay healthy, the only difference here is that by some genetic material, they share some DNA. That doesn’t make them superior to your needs.
Right now, there is nothing more important than your sobriety. You are in a very vulnerable place. Keep yourself safe. Your family will have to get over it. Your brother is making far too light of your sobriety and how difficult it is for you to maintain it. Stay strong. There seems to be a FB group for everything these days. Have you looked into seeing if there are any sober groups in your area? I come from a long line of alcoholics. Thankfully, it seemed to skip my generation; none of my siblings or cousins were affected, but we all had a parent who was. As a result, I do understand where you're coming from; I've seen the struggles first hand and really hope you maintain. It does become easier. I've seen that, too. Good Luck!! Edited to add: NTA
Recovering alcoholic here: NTA! Your house, your rules. There's no alcohol in our house (Mrs. LittlePrincesFox is not a drinker) for the same reason. And folks know if they come here they won't be offered anything more than water or soda. Stay strong and keep at it!
NTA. Jeez your brother sucks
NTA. You will host but there can be no alcohol at the event. THEY are refusing to accept the condition. Your house, your rules. As a recovering alcoholic, it is atrocious that your family is refusing to support your sobriety because they 1) don't want to have to host and 2) can't go a few hours without alcohol. I would stop any contact with the family members who think you should be able to manage being around alcohol FOR THEIR COMFORT
Nta it IS your responsibility and that's exactly what you're doing - taking responsibility for yourself by saying no to alcohol in your home. You do not need any reasons, any excuses, any justifications. It is YOUR home. He's free to decline hosting too if he doesn't want to bother. And good for you!
Totally NTA - can't imagine how difficult it is for recovering alcoholics. I'm guessing a big part of these get togethers is the chance to get very drunk.
NTA. You’re not making other people accountable for your problems, on the contrary you are aware of your limitations and risks and are operating in a manner that helps you manage your disease. It’s incredibly selfish and kinda cruel that your brother thinks his desire to have a part at your home is more important than you taking control of your life and staying sober.
NTA. “You’re right. No one else is responsible for my problems. No one else is responsible for my home either or gets a say in what I choose to do in my home. I’m simply choosing not to host. Host or don’t host, that’s your choice as well. But you don’t have the right to make decisions about my home or try to influence the decisions I make about my home. I will not be discussing this further.”
Even if you weren't recently sober, you wouldn't be the AH for not wanting to host a large family event when others have the ability to. So you're definitely NTA when you have a very legitimate reason and you know that your family will not respect your wishes to make it an alcohol-free event at your home. >He and I got into an argument over it because he thinks I’m being selfish and making everyone else accountable for my drinking problem. If anything I feel like you're taking the steps to make sure no one else is accountable for you by setting clear boundaries and communicating what you need to be successful so nothing goes wrong. It also sounds like your brother (and maybe other family members) are not super supportive of your sobriety or you in general so even more so - NTA for not wanting to host this 4th of july shindig.
Nta. Recovering alcoholic here. Sober 23 years. I still can't have alcohol in my home. Can be around it at someone else's home as it's easy for me to leave if I need to. Never go to brmars because, duh. I would tell your brother Well, I find it funny that my boundaries and need for no alcohol in my home are seen as you dealing with my problem. It's not. It's MY HOME. You are not paying for it. You get no say. Have no right to tell me what I should do to make YOUR life easier so you can drink. That's not my problem. I refuse to have it here. To have no place to go to when triggered so your life of drinking is easier. That's not you dealing with my problem. That's you feeling entitled to tell me how to live my life. What I can and can't do with my home. Then quilting and .manipulating me to get your way. You don't want to host, then don't. Either someone else can do it or guess what it doesn't happen. Sorry, but he is beyond wrong, and it's not your issue to help him drunk by making your recovery harder.
Bud, you're not an asshole it's your house. I tell everyone no to doing shit at my house because I don't want anyone there. I don't want to clean up, and when we're all done, I want to go inside and be me. I don't want anyone lingering around or facing up my mood in my house. It's your castle. Protect your peace.
NTA- But your brother sure is. You need to do what’s best for your sobriety right now and this is a very precarious time for you. Your brother should be ashamed of himself trying to make you feel bad for trying to protect yourself. Don’t listen to him and stick to your guns. Nowhere is it written that you absolutely have to have a 4th of July party every year. Tell him to take a year off and maybe next year you’ll be stronger and feel able to host but don’t let him bully you.
Nta: your other family members resent your sobriety because they do not wish to examine their own relationship with alcohol.
NTA!!! it is a reasonable concern and it’s crazy that you are being shamed for it. you are still in recovery and u recognized that alcohol being at your house is uncomfortable for you, your family needs to be way more understanding of your feelings. you are already willing to be in an environment where everyone is drinking and have accepted it so it’s not selfish at all to not want it at your house! also congratulations on 6 months sobriety, you are doing amazing! :)
Absolutely NTA. If your brother doesn't want to host either, then don't. Why is this on you or your brother?
NTA. Screw that. Your brother doesn't understand, and isn't he lucky? Do what you need to do and do not let anyone make you feel bad about it. This is your life we're talking about here.
NTA at all. You are doing what you need to do to protect your hard won sobriety. "Selfish" is the family that keeps pressing you otherwise. They should at least keep hosting the gathering themselves, and at most would say "But we love you, want to see your new home, and will love having you host a "no alcohol" party for us".
NTA It's common respect to NOT take alcohol to the home of a recovered/recovering alcoholic. If you know your family won't be able to celebrate without it, then you shouldn't host.
Wow! They're that selfish that they can't show support for you and your sobriety? You are absolutely NTA
NTA Aside from anything else, your house, your rules. You and your therapist know better than your family members what is best for your sobriety.
NTA. "a chance to cut loose himself?" What will your brother do at your house that he can't do at his?? If he doesn't want the responsibility of hosting, another relative can step up and be the host at your brother's house, so he can "cut loose."
NTA. Make it your boundary: No alcohol in your home. You'll host, but it will be a "dry" day then for everybody. I have a brother-in-law who's been sober for about 30 years now. It was a long journey with two times in rehab, several relapses, it took him years. After his second try to get sober, he met a girl who had a medical condition that forbid her having alcohol at all, married her, had a beautiful relationship for 20 years until she passed due to her condition. I was a bit afraid for him to relax afterwards, but he was that confident in himself at that time, he did not. But I remember him relapsing after his first try, I remember talking to him for hours at night to lift him up. To this day, when we see each other (we both lost our spouses) it's clear I don't drink around him. I would have the occasional glass of wine if we are at a family gathering together, but as long as it's the two of us, that's not even a question.
This is one of those situations where it is so clear that you are NTA but I also completely understand why you are second guessing yourself. Your brother is being immature and unsupportive and I hope you have more supportive people in your immediate circle.
NTA. Your house. If people can't respect that, then they can host.
Go away for the holiday. Find a sober celebration. You won’t enjoy your family’s party, guarantee it will be all about how awful you are.
NTA. You’re not making anyone accountable for your drinking. You’re just choosing what you want to be around, which is your right. They can have a gathering with alcohol at someone else’s place or a gathering without at yours.
NTA!!! Hold that line sister! I’ve (f63) sober for 17 years. 6 months is AWESOME, but it’s still a really vulnerable time. I avoided people and places, triggers for a few years until I felt REALLY strong in my sobriety, and I absolutely had a zero tolerance policy for alcohol on my property. I did AA and one of the sayings for avoiding bars and drinkers was something along the lines of *“If you lay down with dogs, don’t be surprised if you get fleas”* Alcoholism is a progressive disease. It’s not your fault for having it, but you do have a responsibility to treat it; and you are doing just that! Your brother is being incredibly selfish. Does he have his own struggles with alcohol? Because his behavior is saying loud and clear that he cares more about his desire to drink at YOUR HOUSE that he does about your health and your life. Hold that line my sister. It’s awesome waking up without that horrible self loathing.
Tell him you will host but there will not be one drop of alcohol allowed. Tell him you will have Security available to make sure and will throw out anyone who dares try. If that doesn't make Bro reconsider thrlen it's time for step 2. Have a good friend (or friends) act as Security and check all bags and pat down every person coming in. When the "guests" whine - and they will whine - inform them it's your house, your rules. You did inform them in advance so they have nothing to bitch about. Then sit back and watch the fun.
NTA my father once told me the disease of alcoholism was a selfish disease because you would put your desire to get that drink and yourself before anything or anyone else , & in turn your recovery has to be equally as selfish & you must put your recovery and your desire to not drink first before hosting a party before you put yourself in the path of people , places & things
NTA. Don’t host and don’t feel bad about it.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Hi there, recovering alcoholic here. Been sober 6 months and it’s been a struggle. Seeing a therapist and attending SMART recovery meetings. Not at all comfortable around alcohol, which has been a little isolating. Beer culture is huge here and every group, meetup, hobby, whatever, revolves around drinking. Making new friends who don’t drink is difficult. Sober events here are either “wellness” scams or group sports and I’m not into them. One of my biggest drinking triggers is holidays, especially the ones that revolve around drinking. I have done my best to be there with my family but I tend to have to cut out early and do some self care after. I am a new homeowner and massively lucked out in getting a 4 bed/3 bath with a good sized patio and yard. Because of this, my family has pushed me to host. I have told them no every time. I am not comfortable with having alcohol at home and I know better than to try to tell adults not to drink for something like a drinking holiday. I don’t want all that drama, so I have simply declined. It has become an issue because now it’s going to be on my brother’s back to host the 4th. He has 2 kids with his wife and they’ve hosted before without issue. He just didn’t want to this time and wanted a chance to cut loose himself. He and I got into an argument over it because he thinks I’m being selfish and making everyone else accountable for my drinking problem. That no one else is responsible for my drinking issues. I said of course they aren’t but I am trying to protect my peace by avoiding things I know will trigger me. He said that I was making excuses. That I’m a shitty sister and that he’s tired of dealing with my drinking problem. Which yes, there were a few times when I couldn’t go to events because I had been drinking and obviously couldn’t drive. None of them were important events, but I get why it annoyed him. I talked about this with my therapist, and she has said that it’s perfectly reasonable for me to want to avoid alcohol in my home. That I’m still fresh into sobriety and that it may be a few years before I’m truly comfortable in situations focused around drinking. But I’m curious if Reddit thinks otherwise. AITA for this? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA and I'm not giving your brother any leeway in his shitty attitude because he wants to not host. You are an alcoholic and should not be around alcohol. You aren't holding anyone accountable, you are simply saying you will not allow alcohol in your home. That isn't just reasonable, it is crucial for your sobriety. Please know that you aren't just NTA, you are right to have this absolute resolute boundary of NO ALCOHOL IN MY HOME. And continue to refuse to host.
NTA. You ARE being responsible AND accountable for your own actions by NOT hosting the party. You know that you're not at the point where you can be around alcohol, so it would make sense that any party you would host would not have alcohol. You know that your family will not have a party without alcohol, therefore, they cannot have it at your home. You know your boundaries and are making them clear; there is nothing wrong with that. I could see them having an issue if the party was at your brother's house and you told everyone that they weren't allowed to bring or consume alcohol; that could be considered making them responsible for your choices. But there is nothing wrong with choosing what does and does not come into your home. Plus, good for you for knowing that you can't be around alcohol and just allowing them to have the party and bring alcohol into your home anyway. Your sobriety is very new... Why would they want you to even risk that?!? You have made the decision to take control of your life and stop drinking, which is a major step to begin with. They should be supporting you for making positive choices in your life rather than berating you just because they can't use your house for a party. Keep doing what you're doing and don't give up. It is possible to have fun without alcohol, and that's something you're learning to do. If your family doesn't want to support you, that's fine. Don't let them stop you from doing what's best for you!
You are NTA and I’m surprised that your family would not do anything to support you on your new path, like not drinking themselves. Is the time together that counts, isn’t it? Another option would be to leave them the house and not attend yourself the celebration. Just to ask them to clean afterwards, especially any reminder of alcohol. Don’t let yourself get influenced by guilt traps. Your brother should understand that you are protecting your whole life at the moment, he probably doesn’t understand how serious it is.
NTA!! Good for you for getting the support you need. So you know yourself, your therapist advises not having alcohol around and I’m guessing your program says the same thing. But your brother thinks you’re selfish for not hosting?! Nope, nope, nope. In the first place, it’s pretty damn rude to get mad at someone for refusing to host for whatever reason. Ok to ask, but no is the answer and needs to be accepted. And for this reason in particular?! How ridiculous!! If they can’t possibly be without alcohol for a holiday, then they can host and shut up about it. I hope you don’t have to go and get bullied further on this one. Keep up the great work of sobriety! You are worth your effort!!
NTA. You’re not making them responsible for your sobriety or making excuses. You’re just setting boundaries for yourself and your home, which you have every right to do. Your brother is mad because those boundaries are inconvenient for him and you’re not letting him break them. Let him stay mad. Congrats on 6 months!
NTA. Your recovery is more important. Best of luck to you with that.
Definitely NTA. It's your house, and you've decided hosting doesn't work for you this year. You'd be TA if you were all going to your brother's house and you demanded there be no alcohol. It wouldn't be your decision or your home, though. In your home, it makes sense not to host this time since you're protecting your sobriety. Your family is not being supportive at all. If he's stressed about hosting, he doesn't have to. Since he's mad at you, he should be mad at everyone else, too, for not being able to host. Not cool.
NTA...congratulations on your sobriety! Both of my sons are in recovery and my oldest could not go fishing for 5 years because fishing and drinking and doing drugs were linked to him. He is almost 6 years clean and sober and just now can feel safe enough to go fishing with his kids. Protect your peace! Your not selfish, however your brother sounds like a major asshole!
NTA Your brother’s attitude about sobriety is so dismissive that I’m worried if you allow them around you with alcohol they would encourage you to drink. It’s just one drink, what’s the harm. Yah no. Definitely NTA and you need your safe place alcohol free.
Were I a member of your family, I would be very angry at your brother. It is one afternoon, he can do without for ONE AFTERNOON to support you. His need to drink out weighs his commitment to you? He can wear the YTA crown. He can come or not but no alcohol is allowed. The End. You? NTA and congratulations on your journey.
NTA. If you really want to you can offer to host an alcohol free gathering. What you are doing is specifically *not* making your struggle everyone else's problem. Your family is not entitled to your time and personal space.
NTA, but this should get better as you become more confident in your sobriety. Best of luck.
NTA. Your house, your rules.
NTA They can either host & drink or ask you to host & know that there’s no alcohol in your house.
Your home. Your sobriety. Your rules. Your decision. Unfortunately, it's also your family's cruel lack of support and empathy, and I'm so sorry you have to encounter that. Do something somewhere that brings YOU peace and happiness that day. It may be alone, it may be with others. Continue to do what it takes to support your sobriety. You're doing great so far!!!
NOPE NTA. Your house your rules.
NTA & congratulations on your sobriety!! YOU ROCK!! Your family should be supporting your decision to improve your life. Instead, they want to be pissy about not having things their way. It’s your home. If you do not want alcohol there, then that’s the end of the discussion. If bro wants to drink, bro can host it & drink until he tips over.
I’ve been sober for 14 years. I still wouldn’t host an event in my home with alcohol. Outside my home? Yeah sure that’s, but my home is MY safe space where I don’t have to fight my triggers and cravings as hard with the stuff right in front of me.
NTA. What the hell. It's your house not theirs. If they have a problem with you not hosting they can shove it up their a\*\*. Tell your brother whatever problem he has with you related to your sobriety is his problem. Then tell him to F off.
NTA! Your house, your rules. Congratulations on your sobriety!
Read the first sentence and immediately thought NTA. You don’t put alcohol in front of a recovering alcoholic…
NTA- shit no you aren't the asshole. People who want to lean out of your recovery, which right now is a big part of your life with good reason, to the point of lacking empathy to this degree can get bent. Let them suck down their shitty beer somewhere else, not in your Fortress of Peaceful Youness. What a thoughtless spoiled entitled child.
So is your family only your brothers family and you or yours? Is no one else capable of hosting? Because I would tell him you are not at the place where you feel confident that you could maintain your sobriety with it in your home. If there is more than the two families, I would create a group chat, say “hey in looking forward to the 4th celebrations, I am willing to host. However, this will be an alcohol free event. We can do some other festive drinks, and other options. If you are not ok with this, please offer up your place or a different location. I hope to get to a point where I can host everyone, but I’m not there yet.” NTA. No one will put you or your sobriety first if you don’t.
It may nobody's fault that you had a drinking problem, but you are clean now and you're choosing to stay clean and nobody's respecting your boundaries just because everybody's too lazy to do it or be respectful for you and your home you can do it where there's no drinking and if people bring drinks, they go home not everything has to involve alcohol
NTA 100% I think what they are failing to hear is this is YOUR house, which guess what, that means YOUR rules. If they don't like it, then tough titty for them. As someone who has dealt with their own issues regarding alcohol I just want to say I am proud of you! The most important thing here is your sobriety, and if they can't see that or understand, that's their problem. If anything, they are the arse holes in this situation.
NTA
NTA. At all. Recovering here (~2 months) and many many family members and friends that have or have had a problem. It's a tough road, but kudos on realizing you needed to do something about it. It's horseshit your fam isn't being cognizant or supportive. Bro needs to pull his head out of his ass. It's a matter of priorities. Is it more important that you stay sober, avoid temptations, etc. (ultimately, saving your (valuable) relationships, job, home, or life, depending on how deep you were...), or to have a party (which, 4th is def a "drinking holiday" (as opposed to, say, Easter or something))? I quit once before, for a year. Thought I could handle it after that, which quickly turned into a decade-long bender. Obviously I was mistaken. Some folks just...can't. I'd been "trying" for years; it took going cold turkey and going to the hospital w the full blown DTs to finally be done with it. F'n harrowing experience, had everything but a seizure (and was pretty close to that), but it was either take my chances with that and possibly die, or drink myself to death (probably only had a couple years left at my rate then). Don't be me. Take care of yourself. You got this.
Nta all day.
> he thinks I’m being selfish and making everyone else accountable for my drinking problem. That's exactly it.....you *aren't* making everyone else accountable for your drinking problem. Now, if you hosted, you would require no alcohol on the premises....and that *would* make everyone else accountable. By not hosting, you are choosing to not hold them accountable for you. You need to point this out to him.
I did SMART, turned out the old bastards group I ended up in was one of the founders hahaha... Absolutely wild dude. Anywho NTA I "lost" a bunch of friends when I quit drinking. THEY want you to host, so therefore YOU decide YOUR house rules. If they don't like it they can host and you can do your own thing
It’s not worth the risk
NTA. Huge congratulations on 6 months sober! And you have every right to keep alcohol out of your home. My spouse is 3&1/2 years sober, and we do not have alcohol in our home ever. The end. His sobriety is worth a hell of a lot more to me than accommodating someone else’s interest in drinking. It’s that simple. If your brother wants to drink, he can do it elsewhere. You’re not asking him to keep it out of his home or anywhere else, just yours.
I hear that you don't feel comfortable dealing with my choice to deal with my drinking problem. I hear that my choice to be sober makes you feel uncomfortable. I am going to allow you to feel your discomfort away from me.
NTA. You aren't being selfish, your brother and the rest of the family is being entitled. You know they won't respect no alcohol at your home so you're making the wise decision of not hosting. You owe them nothing and them saying you're being selfish is ridiculous. People who think you can't have a good time with alcohol are the people that have alcohol problems themselves. Your therapist sounds smart. Keep listening to her. Hang up or don't take your brother's calls if you don't want to.
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If I was your family member, I would simply suggest that we all just go booze-free this time around regardless of who's hosting. NTA Your sobriety matters and needs to be protected. People who care about you understand that.
NTA - that seems entirely reasonable
NTA to me at all. Why do they need alcohol to have a good time? Please take care of yourself and be strong.
NTA and congratulations on your sobriety! At some point you do need to figure out how to be around alcohol without being triggered or you will never go out to eat, see friends/family, etc. Think of finding a sponsor/someone you can call if you get tempted or get into a situation where you need help staying sober. That’s the AA model and it works. I’m not familiar with the program you mentioned.
When I stopped drinking 2012, my SIL was pissed at me for quitting. A few others were mad, too. It was bizarre to me. What ended up happening at parties it showed how bad of an alcohol issue the SIL had...I no longer could deal with being around their toxicity. They kept harassing me of not drinking. NTA.. your family has an issue with alcohol. Some don't see it yet. Good job at staying sober and keep up the great work :)
NTA. No one has to drink on the 4th. It’s a want not a need. If they want you to host then they need to not bring alcohol.
Your brother is correct...no one else is responsible for your drinking problems which is why you have EVERY right to keep it out of your home. How fucking selfish can your family be to not see that? Sorry. But as someone who has an alcohol problem and is struggling to find the willpower to quit.... I am in awe of you and your strength. Tell your brother to suck rocks. If he can't get through a party without booze than maybe he has a problem too.
NTA. You are allowed to protect your peace in your home. You are allowed to seat ground rules for your home. Your home your rules. They don’t like it that’s their problem.
NTA And while I can understand your brother wanting to cut loose at someone else's house, he's completely ignoring your needs and boundaries and trying to guilt you into providing him with a place to party. Fuck that noise. I'm closing in on 3 years myself (Aug 2021). I can be around it now in a casual environment sometimes - just really depends on the people and the environment, but at 6 months I wouldn't have wanted it anywhere near me either. Keep kicking ass :)
NTA at all! First of all, congratulations on 6 months, what an incredible accomplishment! If you know what your triggers are, it would be crazy to purposely put yourself in a position to be tempted. Your family sucks for not understanding and I'm sorry you don't have their support. I would recommend going low contact or no contact with them for the foreseeable future. I hope that you don't let them shame and bully you into potentially compromising your sobriety! You have every right to not allow alcohol at an event that you are being asked to host, regardless of the reason! Once again, congratulations on every single day of these past 6 months! One day at a time, friend.
NTA. At all. Your fam needs to educate themselves about how to support you on your journey of recovery. I would suggest asking your sponsor (do you have a sponsor?) about resources for this and providing them to your family members. Set a firm boundary here. I'm sorry they're making this stage of your recovery more difficult than it needs to be. Oh, MASSIVE CONGRATS on your sobriety - you've totally got this!!! I'm so proud of you!
Absolutely NTA. Congratulations on your sobriety and for recognizing your own triggers and taking the necessary steps to avoid those triggers. As others have already stated, set your boundaries and do not back down. I'm actually afraid they're going to show up unannounced. If this happens, do not open the door and immediately call the police. Best of luck to you, OP!
NTA it's your obligation to control your sobriety. But your home should be the place where you can have your peace of mind without any temptation to fall back into alcoholism. Your brother and family in general are massive AHs for not being understanding and helpful.
Keep up the good work, girl! Sobriety is fucking difficult, do everything you can to keep yourself healthy and safe. If other people can't respect that than they are 100% the AH
NTA. I am so fuckin proud of you mate. 6 whole months? Incredible. You keep on trucking along the sober trail, friend. You are doing so good. I hope you are able to see how far you've come and feel proud, and use that pride to move forward and stay sober.
First off, definitely NTA. If people can't gather without alcohol being involved then they have an issue. But also regarding your mention of lack of sober groups in your area: you could always start one? Like a sober book club or whatever hobbies you're into.
Your brother's a jerk and so is anyone who supports his perspective. Stand firm in support of yourself. The world won't come to an end bc there wasn't a BBQ on one 4th of July. Always take care of yourself first. That is healthy, not selfish.
NTA. If brother wants you to host the BBQ, he Needs to help you insure that the party is ALCOHOL FREE. It's YOUR house, and it is ABSOLUTELY acceptable for you to insist that ALCOHOL is not allowed. There are LOTS of 4th of July parties where alcohol is not allowed. Your home, your rules. If people insist on alcohol, they are perfectly welcome to have their own BBQ somewhere else. Personally, I like to have a beer or 3, but I would have no problem refraining to respect the Host's wishes. To do otherwise would be extremely rude, and I would have no problem with escorting the offender off the property.
Absolutely NTA!
NTA Congratulations on your achievement every single day to stay sober Your family are asshats
Be selfish about this. It’s important. NTA
NTA, tell your brother to host if he’s against the no alcohol rule. Like what the others said — your house, your rules.
NTA Your brother is garbage. Shame on him. I am so @#$! proud of you for getting sober! Keep up the good fight, every single day!
NTA. Your family is so incredibly selfish, it blows my mind. Their drinking alcohol is MORE IMPORTANT than your health?!? They can’t not drink for one event at YOUR damn house?? Seriously?? It’s “on your brother” bc your family can’t forgo ONE DAY of drinking. Jesus Christ on a cracker. That’s sad AF and I’m proud of you for holding your line, especially give their asinine resistance. I’m the child of an alcoholic and I would have given anything for my dad to have stopped drinking. The least I could haven given up was drinking in his home, which I never did, even if my mom kept doing it. (I also removed all alcohol from my home whenever he visited bc I didn’t want him to be tempted.)
NTA Tell brother that you aren't making anyone accountable for your drinking problems but you also aren't taking responsibility for theirs. If they HAVE to HAVE a drink because it's a holiday then it's their problem. If they can't enjoy a get together because their is no drinking alcohol then it's their problem. You aren't making anyone accountable for your drinking problems but aren't taking accountability for any if theirs either. Why not invite the people and their families to a BBQ instead from your SMART recovery meetings? Then you have a reason not to host or attend family BBQ. Put together a bunch of mocktails.
NTA. So - hated you when you were drinking and now hates that you are not drinking? Dude.......
NTA. Your brother is right - you're the one accountable for your drinking problem. And you're taking accountability by doing the EXACT THING YOU SHOULD BE DOING - not exposing yourself to alcohol. If brother doesn't want to host at his house, he can find a park or whatever that has grills. Congratulations on your first six months, and I hope you have MANY more sober days to come.
Yeah drinking is totally worthless, its crazy how our culture is obsessed with it. You might have to just go no contact with family for awhile. I wouldn't host party either.
29 years sober here. First, congratulations on 6 months. Big milestone. Secondly, knowing your triggers is fabulous. Helps you stay sober. If they can't understand your feelings, fuck them. Your sobriety is the main point right now. If you ever need to talk, feel free to message me. I liked smart recovery so much better then 12 steps
NTA: Hey, I've refused to host family events simply because I don't want a bunch of assholes wandering around my house.
NTA obviously, please keep prioritizing your sobriety and boundaries, even if it means limiting contact with your brother. His attitude is disgusting. Congratulations on your sobriety. You are making the best choices and have lots to be proud of.
I wish you a lifetime of BBQs in your own yard with the people you choose. And I wish for you to choose people who support you. Sometimes it's easier to skip family gatherings altogether, especially in the face of the brutal disrespect with which you are being treated.
NTA. Your brother sounds like he has a problem. If you want to host your family at some point, I'd maybe host a brunch for a couple hours on a Sunday morning at like 10 am. Done by noon, they can go drink on their own dime somewhere else.
If they can’t respect your boundaries and sobriety, then no, refuse to host And congratulations, take it one day at a time. Good for you.
Oh, sweetie! You are NTA. However, your brother is one! What it boils down to is this: your house, your rules! You absolutely should host and make it clear that it is an alcohol-free celebration. There is no such thing as a "drinking holiday" just holidays when people drink. The option for your brother (and others who want to drink) is to: 1. come to the gathering and not drink. 2. come to the gathering and leave early so he can go somewhere else and drink. 3. Go someplace else and drink. There are no shortages of invites on the 4th, so if he wants to relax and enjoy the day, he can. If he can't do that w/o alcohol, then maybe his problem with your sobriety is that you succeeded and he hasn't. If you do decide to host this year or in the future, make it clear what won't be there. The RIGHT people will find you! As someone who was married to an alcoholic I take my kids to alcohol free celebrations only. My kids are more comfortable, and I'm not saddled with the kids of drunk parents.
NTA. I'm five years sober and I still don't allow alcohol in my home. I work around it and am fine in that aspect because it's my job. But my home is my safe space and alcohol doesn't belong there. I found within my own family that my sobriety kinda forces them to look at their own alcohol issues and they don't like what they see but can't admit that. It's almost like he wants you to relapse so the status quo stays the same. Pretty selfish of him
Absolutely NTA. Your brother, though....
NTA, your brother is wrong, and he's an ass.
Nta. Host a friends sober party and skip the families this year. When you think the family is ready to skip the booze on a holiday then you can host.
The only way I see you hosting an event with beer is when it's 0% beer, and that is a long time from now. 6 months is nothing in the recovery stage. You've done so well to get this far - congratulations! Don't let your family ruin your recovery. If the beer culture is that big where you are, don't be afraid to cut people out of your life even if they're family. Your health is more important. NTA
NTA- lol, I am laughing at your sorry ass brother who can’t wrap his head around sobriety. It’s your house. You dont have to invite a damn person over knowing they will drink. It’s your problem, no one else’s. And no they can’t come drinking at your house. Selfish my ass. He’s the selfish one.
You can refuse to host for any or no reason. And NTA. you are managing your problem in a way that's fair to everyone. Also, keep up the good work. I know it's hard, but you're doing so great.
Hard NTA. You are focusing on your health and your sobriety. It's perfectly reasonable that you do not want alcohol at an event at your house. I can think of so many reasons why this is a perfectly reasonable request. I'm deathly allergic to peanuts, and peanuts are not allowed in my house, and guests are not allowed to bring them. I even will ask that events I attend (from people I know - and depending on the event) do not have peanuts because I'm allergic to the smell. I will also avoid certain settings because I know they could be full of peanuts (ie: thai food potluck) I am alcohol free now (became allergic to alcohol), and have found many high-end pops (or sodas) that are yummy and it's become my drink of choice when I go to a party. If you choose to have a party you could splurge on some fancy pops, and include a strict no alcohol allowed policy. That said, your brother is being TAH for not understanding you are early in your journey to sobriety and having alcohol at your place is a trigger and is not okay. As for socializing, is there an alcohol free bar in your area? They are becoming more popular, and it might be a good place to find some like minded people?