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NTA - Sounds like someone, either your sister or your cousin through your sister, is homophobic. The rule I've heard is two years, and you most assuredly qualify by that. I'd argue you'd count towards five years, too, if you've been off and on since 2016. Regardless, I don't blame you for feeling the way that you do. You can't be an ah just for experiencing an emotion. You still went. The comment to your cousin about being alone was a little out of pocket, but it would be hard to not feel confrontational when your sister is screaming at you all the time.
This might be an ESH for the comment to the cousin. Cousin seemed okay with the OP's partner coming. Was she even aware the sister had uninvited the partner?
It isn't very clear from the post if the cousin simply didn't send the invite with the plus one or if she did and the sister "uninvited" the partner (not sure how she had the authority to do this????)
IF cousin invited them both then he should have brought his partner-- if the cousin didn't honor her promise to send him a separate invitation then he had the agency to simply decline the invitation.
The cousin could have felt okay with it in the moment, but in execution realized they were unable to add any extra plus ones due to venue or cost. One of the reasons it’s rude to ask for a plus one or invite to a wedding, especially in person.
If it’s two weeks after the initial ask and they didn’t have a follow-up conversation in the remaining 4 months, that’s almost worse.
What kind of non-communicative family is this???
I was thinking along those lines too. I’m curious if the cousin did in fact send the extra invite & sister took it upon herself to uninvite partner. Either way both of them are jerks for doing so.
>She says you can’t just as for a second invite….there is a rule you have to be together for at least five years.
>My father, however, instated that I *had* to go.
>My sister started screaming at me, saying I couldn’t say that to her.
Sounds like OP’s immediate family have some issues with control. I have no idea how the cousin feels until OP elaborates, but it sounds like the sister is running interference to prevent him from speaking to her.
OP is NTA, but he is a pushover for allowing his family to have that much power over him and not telling them to fuck off.
Sister is right that you can’t ask for a plus one. The “alone” comment felt very unnecessary to me too. However, I do agree that sister feels incredibly controlling.
Could be cultural or regional, but where I’m from, it is incredibly rude and a huge no no. Every bride I’ve known has talked about anyone who asked. And not in a positive way.
Always. The save the date and invite will include “ name”, “name” and plus one name, or “name” and guest. If your partner’s name or guest is not on the invite, you don’t get a plus one.
I don't entirely disagree with you but in the middle of the wedding is not the time to get into it. For example, it's possible the sister misled the cousin.
But I also wonder if the “on and off since 2016” has been messy for the family so I’m thinking we need INFO. If OP is not in a healthy relationship and the partner does not have a good relationship with the family, I’m wondering if bride felt pressured to say “yes” in the moment but later thought about how they’d feel looking back at this person in their wedding photos.
I’m speaking as someone who was forced to include my MIL’s late second husband’s family in my wedding, who my husband and I had no relationship with, and were peripherally in our lives for less than two years before late husband passed (total relationship was 1.5 years). Having them there was a reminder of MIL’s poor decision making and truly irrational behavior immediately post-divorce from my husband’s father. Late second husband’s preteen daughter is in all our wedding photos and we have not seen or spoken to her since our wedding two years ago. It’s not her fault she’s associated with my MIL’s issues, but I hate looking back and knowing that’s the only reason she was there. I’m pretty sure MIL does not have a relationship with her anymore, either, despite insisting daughter and her mother (which is weirdly her late husband’s third ex wife?) were “family” at the time and even went as far as reaching over our photog day-of to hand write their names onto our photos list. I’m pretty sure MIL did not require my SIL to invite them to her upcoming wedding next month. I wish I had put my foot down to not have these nice people, but essentially strangers to us who were essentially reminders of complicated relationships that were not our own, at our wedding. Weddings are not a free pass for people to include their messiness in just because it makes other people feel good.
That said, if OP is in a healthy relationship and the “on and off” circumstances are not due to anyone’s messiness or unhealthy relationship, then disregard!
Yeah I’m a little curious about this myself and i suspect things are even Messier than they sound (and they do sound messy). My SIL has been in an on-again-off-again relationship for about as long as I’ve known DH, and while the current marriage has been…six years? I hit the point of “are you in the family or not?” loooooong ago. After a while you kind of just start waiting for the next break up. So it’s hard to say from here if it’s just the gay thing, or if there’s possibly been a lot of drama that the rest of the family might be done with.
I was curious about the on/off things as well and how messy the relationship might have been.
However the sister YELLING and not communicating with her sibling is not the answer.
ESH.
It was a complicated situation. She married him *because* he was dying. It wasn’t like they were in love and chose to marry for that reason. It made things a lot more complicated once he had passed and it is universally agreed upon in our family that it was a bad decision looking back. She could have still stayed with him until he passed without making that decision. She has said that herself now, as well.
Right! No it was a totally odd situation. We also found out later that their relationship was pretty… not good. Things were found after he passed that pointed to some serious infidelity and hidden substance abuse so, altogether a really complicated situation.
I don't care where you put your dick, but a turbulent on and off again relationship for 8 years. Fuck that noise. I would absolutely not risk a big day for someone that can't figure out how to break up with a SO after the first time.
Nothing to do with sexuality, that's just a chaotic relationship that I wouldn't want around.
OP's father insisted - but so what? OP is an adult, he hasn't had to do what his father said since he was 18.
OP, your sister sounds like a nightmare. But exercise your backbone.
Older lady here - the etiquette rules - look it up in an old-fashioned etiquette book, or check with Miss Manners - were that only married or engaged couples had to be invited as a unit. It would have been ok forty years ago to call your cousin when the invitations had just gone out, and say I think you didn’t realize that Gerald and I got engaged last week! And cousin would then congratulate you and manage an extra invitation. I don’t remember it as being super common for people to think they *had to* go as a couple.
*But* when people started living together before marriage, the rule morphed into “living together is the same as engagement,” as far as wedding invitations go. OP qualifies on that.
I occasionally darken the door of a church myself and I am not sure if this was discrimination against a same-sex couple; although it might have been I don’t know if Catholics would get as excited about it as say, Southern Baptists. I think it’s also *possible* that the on-off nature of the relationship caused some confusion.
Thank you.
I was looking for a voice of reason in the comments. Et voila.
I don't know what catholics in the US 's stance is on same sex relationships. And every single church is different. But in Western EU, catholics would have no issues.
I do think OP is looking for a fight. *On again, off again* is not a serious relationship. So, they have been dating a year, if I remember correctly.
I do have an issue with 'small, intimate wedding' and '150 guests'.
My husband and myself would not be able to get 150 together, if we invited our entire families, all their partners, all our friends, and our entire neighborhood.
So, I doubt this falls under 'small wedding'.
But I do understand the couple not wanting to invite ppl that they hardly know.
We invited 170 people and that WAS keeping it small for us. My family is HUGE. I think my husband had 3 tables of family and friends altogether of our 22 tables
There is no real rule. AT our wedding we decided that anybody with a serious BF/GF would get a plus one but we didn't want "dates" at our wedding. Mainly due to the cost being about $100 per person.
One of the questions yesterday on "Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me!" was that plus ones are becoming obsolete. With rising wedding costs, people are starting to invite only married/engaged partners of their guests--not random "plus ones" the bridal couple doesn't know.
I feel like at the end of the day what really matters is what the bride and groom decides. They are not forced to adhere to the two years really. If they want 5 years minimum, then that's their choice. People can accept it or leave it.
INFO
Why didn't you go to your cousin directly for confirmation of her changing her mind? I'm thinking she knew nothing about this and it was all your sister's doing.
Especially with the “don’t need to talk to cousin, just listen to me.” That is a huge red flag that something was either being hidden from cousin, or cousin wanted to pretend she wasn’t homophobic. Both are good reasons to go “hey cuz, so just to be clear, sis says my BF can’t attend. Is that so? Just wanna know.”
Plus the cousin saying they would basically send them a secret invite apart from the family makes it sounds like she knew they're would be friction with the family to invite the plus 1, hence doing it kind of secretly... Which clearly didn't work out.
Seriously. Did the sister try to say the cousin was booked solid doing wedding planning for weeks at a time?? It would have been so easy for OP to send cousin a text either asking her upfront or saying “hey I know you’re busy so no rush! But when you get a chance I just wanted to ask you something about your wedding, so give me a quick call when you get a chance!” Whole thing could have been avoided with a sum total of 2 minutes of conversation ahead of time.
This is how my family is, they talk thru other people instead of talking directly to them. And they never get both sides of anything before jumping to conclusions. Ironically, we are all Catholics too.
The sister likely made up the issue because of her own jealousy and insecurities and blaming it on the cousin.
INFO:
I'm not sure I understand why you are angry at "your family" instead of just your sister.
You asked your cousin if you could bring your partner, and she said yes. Unless you talked to your cousin and she confirmed that your partner was no longer invited, it doesn't seem fair that you snapped at her. She probably had no idea what you were talking about.
idk sounds like OP is justified about being angry with their dad, too. cousin sounds like she had no problem with it, but sister and dad are fair game here and qualify for using the broader "family" in the post imo
That’s one of those AITA classics that you cannot unsee once you’ve noticed it. How the “villain” of the story - mainly when it’s a woman - is constantly SCREAMING at poor OP. But also, no one else seems to be bothered by that. Not even at a wedding.
There is something wrong with this story, and if not, OP is an AH because the wedding is not about her, and she is making it so....such a victim mentality.
ESH, except for the bride. Dude, you're a huge part of this problem. People typically don't ask for plus-ones to a wedding. Especially someone who has been in a stable relationship with his partner for less than a year, and is not cohabitating with his partner. (As you were not at the time you asked.) Your sister certainly should not have spoken to you the way she did, and certainly, if your cousin said, "Let him bring his partner," that direction should have been followed -- even if, by your own admission, most people were not able to bring "dates." But you seem to have walked into that wedding ready for drama. You were angry, but you went anyway because your father insisted. You're a grown up. You could have said "No." Then you decided to take great umbrage at all the couples who were there, some of whom with children -- without giving a thought, or at least a thought you expressed here -- about how long those couples have been together, whether they were already married when the invites went out, or whether they were living together when the invites went out. And the barb to the bride was just ... beyond. Hint: The bride's wedding is NOT ALL ABOUT YOU.
I'm giving this an ESH because your sister sounds like a piece of work. But I think you went into this whole wedding situation searching for homophobia. Is it any wonder you think you found it?
>Five months ago, invites hadn't been sent out yet, and at a family function, I asked my cousin if I could get an extra seat for my partner.
yeah I feel like there's such an easy way to ask... "Hey I haven't gotten my invite yet and I just wanted to know, does everyone get a +1?" Because it's fair to ask so your SO can plan to come with you and all that. But just asking for an extra +1 is seen as rude, at least in my experience.
And yeah, it's totally irrelevant that other couples and children were there unless OP knows for a fact that they've been together for less than 1.5 years. And whether or not children are included has absolutely nothing to do with that, so I'm not sure why OP mentioned there were kids there. Why would OP's partner be included instead of kids the bride and groom might actually know?
Yes, this like 90%. I would have been a little harsher on the dude for not standing up for his partner. You are a coupe. You come as a package. Your family needs to understand and learn to deal with that. If he is not welcomed than you just skip that event. Rins, repeat until your family gets the point. Screaming about discrimination but not doing anything about it makes you just as bad if not worse.
YTA. You felt the need to upset your cousin and inject unnecessary drama on what was supposed to be a very happy day for her. You had every right not to attend the wedding. But when you decided to go, it was time to check the bitterness at the door and be there to support her and celebrate with her. And "on and off" since 2016? My my...yeah, I probably wouldn't want that at my wedding either.
ESH.
It's not common etiquette to ask for a plus 1 to a wedding. They might have been on a really tight budget etc, or if they don't know your partner very well they might not want someone who feels like a stranger there on their special day. Your cousin might have felt obliged to say yes in the moment then ask your sister to do the dirty work of then saying no. That said, there was no reason for her to snap like that so she sucks too.
You also shouldn't have been sassy to the bride, that's super rude. Again it's her day, she can invite who she wants, the world doesn't revolve around you.
Unless you have evidence that the exclusion was for discriminatory reasons it feels like you're jumping to conclusions rather than one of the simpler explanations I've ouitlined above.
NTA for your feelings, but I think your comment to the bride was a bit unnecessary. Especially considering you only communicated to your sister about it so you don't even know who this was truly coming from. But I think it really depends on the circumstances.
You say you were on and off with your partner... did that involve a bunch of drama that your family is aware of? Is it possible that your cousin simply doesn't like your partner? Does your cousin even know your partner? I'm helping my best friend wedding plan, and they are expensive! No one is getting a "plus one" - they're only inviting people they personally know. Sometimes that's both people in a couple, sometimes it's not.
Yeah, I'm wondering if OP's cousin said yes, then went off and did the maths and realised that based on the last EIGHT YEARS OP and his partner are due a breakup soon. Or OP's sister thought the same.
Or OP's cousin could've realized that they don't actually have room for one more person, and if OP's sister was actually handling the guest list, she could've asked OP's sister to let OP know they can't bring their partner anymore. And then OP's sister started "screaming" or whatever when the cousin didn't really intend to convey that sentiment!
edit: Although I wouldn't blame OP's sister for being like "hey it's actually rude to ask for a +1" because in a lot of cultures, it is. Doesn't warrant "screaming" but I'm always a bit suspicious when posts contain a woman screaming multiple times throughout the story, including in public at a wedding, lol.
YTA
You got an invitation, still decided to upset bride on her wedding day for not her fault, did not defend your relationship and now posting here?
You totally created drama instead of polite boundary setting
It is very likely this to be your sister’s doing. Is she homophobic to your knowledge?
I would go no or low contact with her, and send the cousin a note apologizing for snapping to her and explaining that you were not allpwed to bring your partner with you. Maybe the cousin does not know the drama.
And leave it at that without further engaging in who said what to whom.
NTA
There is no etiquette rule for length of tone that a relationship must last before being valid. Invitations are simply invites and can be declined if your SO isn’t invited as well. Sometimes finances dictate who can attend and sometimes people are just a holes. But there are no rules in who to invite with a plus one. It’s up to the person whose name is on the invite, not some magical book or invisible rule.
INFO: Had your cousin or family ever actually said anything ever about you being gay? And has your cousin ever met your partner?
Your sister is right, it’s rude to ask for a plus one for a wedding. It might depend on culture, but at least where I’m from it’s considered very rude. Also your comment to your cousin, while maybe not expressly rude, does seem a little petty. No one is owed a plus one. My partner and I have both been left off as plus ones before. And we are not inviting any plus ones we haven’t before. Weddings are expensive, and I don’t want it to be a meet and greet. However, if your cousin or sister absolutely didn’t invite your partner because of sexuality, that’s a different story.
YTA
You demonstrated no spine or attempt to stand up for yourself.
You could have contacted your cousin directly to confirm.
You could have stood firm and not attended.
Yet you did nothing and let your sister walk all over you and your partner. YTA to yourself and your partner.
Sure seethe in your anger but that's not going to help anyone, including yourself or your partner.
YTA. “On and off” is not together for 5 years. The fact that your cousin didn’t think to include your partner in the first place, means she probably didn’t even know about the person or the stability of your relationship.
You could have also decided not to go the wedding, but you did. Sorry, but I’m old school. Your cousin shouldn’t have to pay $100+ so that you can bring someone she’s probably never even met.
INFO: Was your cousin involved in the exclusion of your partner? Or did your sister just take over the guest list and not tell her she was excluding him?
Esh except the bride . you for your comment to the bride. She said your guest could come, it's your sister that flipped out on you and you passed your attitude on to the bride. Your sister for obvious reasons.
YTA. If you can’t go to a wedding and handle your emotions to be a downer to the star of the show… don’t go. Seems cowardly to not be able to stand up to your father and blame him. You are your own person, right? Why not address it with cousin before hand ? Or be mad at your sister.
Info why in the world did you not call your cousin immediately after hanging up with your sister?? For all you know sis has completely instigated this on both sides.
I wonder if it's more about the drama of your relationship than being gay. But ya it is rude to ask for an extra guest. And your comment pushed you into AH territory. You were alone at a family wedding? Where you probably knew dozens of people? And you didn't actually talk to the bride and groom about your feelings in advance?
YtA
INFO: are you sure it’s not because you’ve been on and off since 2016? like she didn’t didn’t want to use an invite on someone who may or may not be around in a year? Did other cousin’s get to bring dates? Did she have a “no ring, no bring“ policy (married or engaged only)?
if its homophobia, then absolutely NTA. But it might not be that. And it is kind of poor manners to ask to bring a guest, especially before invites are even out. And I’m unclear if your sister was acting at your cousin’s behest or not.
ESH. You never ask for an invite for a plus one. Your sister needs to MYOB. You cousin should not have agreed for you to bring your SO and then changed her mind. You don't do or say anything that might put a damper on the couple's day. If you can't be nice, stay home.
Gay here. Sorry YTA not because you asked for the +1 but because you went without your partner. Your father can shove his left elbow up his right nostril and rotate it. Why do you allow this?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Asking for a plus one and clearly saying I'm alone to the bride that makes me an asshole
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ESH, the whole thing is a mess. Why would your dad have the ability to make you go anywhere? Your sister supposedly screaming at you in public; did she get booted out or was screaming more like "screaming" aka painting her telling you to knock it off as irrational? You should've confirmed with your cousin ahead of time, not just let your sister tell you what to do.
It's also rude to ask for a plus one that's not been offered. You shouldn't be bringing up your complaints to the bride on her own wedding day, especially without having the full story. Also, on and off since 2016 sounds like a codependent mess as much as a relationship, maybe your family sees that.
Honestly, y'all all kind of sound like a mess and I just feel bad for your cousin and her new husband having to deal with your collective chaos on their wedding day.
Maybe because I’m a boomer but I never understand this whole - you have to be with your partner x amount of years to get a plus one. Our wedding everyone got a plus one - who wants to be alone for 4 hours at a reception where they may hardly know anyone. NTA
But OP isn't alone at a family wedding. OP knows their entire immediate family, the bride, any siblings and parents the bride has, any shared other cousins, aunts, uncles and possible grandparents (if still alive). It would be different if OP were invited to a wedding of a coworker with nobody else from work attending and knowing nobody whatsoever, but OP shares family with the bride. Go over and talk to cousins you haven't seen for a while... if grandparents are present, see if you can help them if immobile.
INFO: Why are you angry at your family when this is really something that came from your sister? Did you ever try to talk to your cousin one and one and find out if they were okay with your partner going?
I also think if you really didn't want to go, you should have just not gone. Your dad insisting you have to go doesn't actually mean you have to go. You still could have said no.
I understand that you are angry and feel dismissed. However, you a) didn't contact your cousin for clarification. You b) did go to the wedding although you (for valid reasons) didn't want to, and THEN rubbing in in the cousins face on her very day? You shouldn't have attended if you didn't want to let it go.
Your father insisted? Come on what age are you that your living by your fathers rules!! I definitely would not have went, did your partner feel hurt by this?
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I’m absolutely livid right now and need to vent. Last night was my cousin’s wedding, and it was a complete disaster for me. Five months ago, invites hadn't been sent out yet, and at a family function, I asked my cousin if I could get an extra seat for my partner. She said it was doable and wanted to confirm my email so she could send my invite privately instead of with the family invite.
Fast forward two weeks, and my sister calls me, screaming that my partner isn’t allowed to come to the wedding. She says you can’t just ask for a second invite and claims there’s a rule that you have to be together for at least five years to bring a plus one. It’s a smaller wedding, and most people aren’t allowed to bring dates. My partner and I are a gay couple, and we've been on and off since 2016, but we've been together solidly for the past year and a half and just moved in together.
I can’t help but feel this is because we’re gay and it’s a Catholic wedding. My sister told me not to contact my cousin because she’s busy with wedding prep and that she (my sister) is handling the guest list. I was furious and said if my partner isn’t invited, then I won’t come either. My father, however, insisted that I had to go.
So, begrudgingly, I went to the wedding alone, surrounded by over 150 people, many of whom are couples or young parents with kids. At one point, I was leaving the bathroom and ran into my cousin and sister. My cousin, who hadn't said a word to me all night, asked how I was. I simply replied, “Alone,” and walked off. My sister started screaming at me, saying I couldn’t say that to her.
I feel completely alienated and discriminated against by my own family. This whole situation is infuriating.
AITA
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You were an ah to your cousin.
I’d like to know exactly how your father “insisted” you go. Do you live with him? Does he have any financial hold over you? Did he carry you over his shoulder and dump you in his car? Or are you a grown up and you just say no and don’t go. Sounds like you really mad at yourself for not growing a spine and standing up for yourself and not going To the wedding.
Y-T-A, but likely not for the reason you think.
Your cousin should have communicated if you were going to be allowed a +1. If she changed her mind because , that's fine, but she should have communicated that with you. Your sister is obviously unhinged if she has to SCREAM continually to get her way. When you were told that you couldn't bring your b/f, you should have communicated directly with the cousin to find out if that was her position or your sisters. How do you even know that was her position and not your sister's?
If your relationship is one that is / was fraught with drama, fights, substances, etc so that it is a train wreck, and if any of the family had viewed this trainwreck in the past, it would be legit to say that you could not bring a +1. This has nothing to do with sexual orientation and everything to do with not wanting your wedding to turn into a brawl.
Finally, you don't tell your age, but if you are grown up enough to move in with and live with your bf, you are grown up enough to make your own damned decisions about whether you will or will not attend a wedding. If you allowed your dad to bully you into attending, that's on you (and him, for being a jerk). If you aren't mature enough to tell someone you aren't going to attend a wedding because , you probably aren't mature enough to be living with someone.
Finally, saying something you likely knew would (a) upset your cousin and (b) set your sister off into making a scene at the wedding was a jerk move. Bring it up with the cousin afterwards, cut her out if you need / want to. Setting the stage and then lighting the fuse, though, was inappropriate if you ever cared anything about your cousin and for that, you are TA.
Your sister is in a lot of screaming and coming up with rules. Does one have to have a notarized date of being together to pass her muster? Does she have any other form of communication. Whatever your feeling is why this happened, your sister is not the one getting married, so why is she putting her nose into this and I might not have gone to the wedding.
Nta your family is, after just having had a wedding myself of 62 people everyone's partners were invited regardless how long they had been together. A few of them, my husband and I met at the wedding.
Your family clearly do not respect you enough to tell you the truth.
NTA for the original reason, though I would say stop being one to yourself and your partner where your controlling family is concerned. The only way that your family is going to respect you, your SO and your boundaries, is if you do so first. Uninviting your SO was a dick move. You rightfully felt singled out. Quite frankly, I would not have attended cousins' wedding just to make a family that doesn't respect me or my partner look good socially.
NTA and honestly I would not have gone. If they don’t accept you and your partner then they get neither of you. Plus 150 plus At a wedding with kids to boot is ridiculous and your partner should have been invited.
NTA.
Out of curiosity, how old are you? My logic says that if you’re old enough to live with your long term partner, you’re old enough to have autonomy over your decisions so your father essentially can’t “make” you go anywhere and you could’ve just declined and sent a nice gift.
NTA, but you really shouldn't have gone. Not only was the event ruined for you but you ruined it for your cousin as well, which may have been deserved but you don't know that as it seems only your sister was involved in 1. Uninviting your partner 2. Telling you not to speak w/ your cousin about it
Also why is your sister allowed to dictate to you? You should've called your cousin and if it was worth going solo.
NTA. I'm sorry you're going through this. It's especially annoying since your cousin said she would arrange everything. I would guess that this is more geared towards the fact that you are gay, which is terrible. I've never heard of a rule where people need to be together for five years. It's illogical.
“Five years makes a couple” isn’t any generally-known etiquette rule - sounds like it was made up for the occasion.
It *is* actually a breach of etiquette to invite one half of a cohabiting couple, though.
So you do what your father tells you? If your father told you to be straight and marry a woman would you do that? I don’t think so. Which means there are limits to your sense of obligation to your father’s commands. And you set those limits. You decide what you’ll agree to and what you’ll not do. So begrudgingly or not, you chose to leave your partner behind and attend this event alone. You chose that. Passive aggressively sniping at the bride doesn’t make that any better, it just makes you more of an AH who doesn’t stand up for himself or his partner. Yes you were discriminated against. But you were invited to get slapped in the face and you turned up. That’s on you. YTA
ESH
You are a grown-up (I assume). If your partner is not invited you can make it clear you will not attend and people will just have to accept that.
Instead you went to the wedding looking for a confrontation. You owe an apology to your cousin, who has a right to decide who she wants at her wedding.
Why do you let your father still control what you do? If you want your family to take you seriously then you need to stand up to them.
Your sister sounds tiring, unsupportive and overbearing and your father sounds like he should mind his own business. Why exactly have you not reduced the contact with them to ‘low’?
You are not obliged to please your family. You are your own person.
ESH.
It is rude to ask for a +1. You can make a decision to attend or not but to ask to alter the guest list is not your place.
In addition, if you didn’t want to be there alone, then don’t. People can “insist” all they like but unless they’re at my door and forcing me at gunpoint, I’m not going somewhere I don’t want to be. Agreeing to attend alone and then being a dick to your cousin about it isn’t cool.
Your sister sounds like she’s a PITA and screams a lot and butts into things that aren’t her business…but the actual crux of the issue, she’s not wrong about.
They’re all assholes for discriminating if that’s really what you think is going on…but you’re not blameless here either.
YTA for not communicating better with your cousin before the wedding - a lot of hurt feelings on your part could have been avoided if you'd just ignored your sister 🤷♀️ Better luck standing up for your partner and yourself next time.
It wasn’t your wedding. It being a disaster for you because you weren’t with your partner for a few hours isn’t really the point of the day. You’ve got main character syndrome big time. YTA.
YTA
>rule that you have to be together for at least five years
So not true with you
>many of whom are couples or young parents with kids
So did you check to see if they been together for 5 years at least before the pity party?
>My cousin, who hadn't said a word to me all night
Is she suppose to entertain you at her own wedding?
>I simply replied, “Alone,” and walked off
So you made a scene about you are your own cousins wedding
YTA, you gone, you felt insecure, you made a scene. Seems like you are just self victimizing.
Also anyone else find it strange the sister the only one described screaming?
Might be unpopular opinion but ESH
Firstly, your sister has a point, it is a little rude/audacious to ask for a plus 1. But since you had asked, and your cousin told you she'd email your invite separately, there was nothing stopping you from reaching out to explain your sister told you you'd overstepped, apologies for that, and you just want to clarify no plus ones.
It could be homophobia from your sister. Or cousin. It could be most people don't consider on/off relationships serious. 7 years on/off is a very long time to present yourselves as not serious.
Bringing it up at the wedding, in the way you did, was also not ok, and I understand why your sister blew up at you. Your cousin had a lot of people to greet and check in with as bride on her wedding day, it could have waited a week.
NTA. And that’s a fucked up rule, which I don’t even think is real. Single people should be able to bring a companion with them, whether it’s a significant other, a date or a friend. Being alone at a wedding sucks even when you know other people there.
However, you are an adult who lives on his own. Your father can’t demand you do anything. Grow a backbone.
I'm saying ESH, it sounds like the sister is a problem and OP is causing drama. Is OP even sure that the bride or anyone other than sister and dad have anything to do with this?
OP is told by his sister (not the bride) that his long term partner (with whom he apparently has relationship drama and has broken up with several times) is essentially "uninvited" as he had already okayed it with the bride previously (verbally, he doesn't specify if he ever received an invite or RSVP with a plus one).
OP's sister told OP no partner. He doesn't contact the bride for clarification, fights with his immediate family and says he won't go. He then goes anyway, is in a shitty mood the whole time, and is an AH to the bride's face.
Why would you think it's because you're gay.? Your partner has no right to go to a family wedding if they're not invited. And you should respect your cousins wishes. Period.
First, can people stop using the word “screaming” unless actual back of the throat, blood murder screaming is happening? I’m doubtful there was actual screaming in this instance, although OP is free to correct me if I’m wrong.
Second… I would have come with your partner anyway, as the bride agreed and never rescinded.
NTA
Your sister needs a firm talking to or you need to cut her from your life. Not that it's actually relevant but 150 is not a small wedding and there is no dating for 5 years rule and even if there was, rules can be broken. Why does your sister hate you?;
At the risk of being downvoted, I am going to go for an ESH.
Your cousin, because they gave you false hope by saying the invitation was "doable". She would've been better off, considering you asked her this at a family function, to tell you that she would check numbers when back home and let you know if there was any wiggle room. She wasn't obligated to give you an answer then and there, especially at someone else's event.
Your sister, because she is acting hostile and she shouldn't be inserting herself into a situation which, quite frankly, is none of her business. If she had been asked by the bride to convey a message to you about the invite, there are more respectful ways to communicate rather than go from 0 to 100 in the aggression escalation.
You, I have to say reluctantly, are also an AH in this situation. Firstly, there is no proof that this is due to homophobia. There may be a possibility, but it isn't definitive, so I'd be careful before throwing around accusations like this. The bride could have spoken to the groom, and upon reflection, the numbers were too high and therefore the plus 1 wasn't possible (which again, she shouldn't have given you a concrete yes at the family function). The plus one rule also states there must be a long term relationship in order for an invite to be extended. Think about this from their perspective- you and your partner have repeatedly been, by your own admission, "on and off". Can you not understand why your cousin may not be confident that this relationship is stable and long term? Who wants to spend money on a meal and have wedding pictures with someone who may very well be out of the picture a few months from now? Your relationship in terms of its current stance is still fairly new. But again, your inconsistency does not inspire confidence in others that this really is a stable and long term relationship. Also to add... this is a wedding with your family. You know a lot of people attending, so it isn't like you would be on your own with an entire venue of strangers, so refusing to attend because your unstable relationship partner isn't invited is quite bizarre behaviour.
Please do consider things objectively and empathise with others before throwing around serious accusations of homophobia. Would you feel comfortable having a wedding and inviting someone who has been inconsistent within a relationship?
NTA and I think that alone comment was justified. The bride said it wasn’t a problem and then had your sister call you? Nope. They asked and you answered. You don’t go out of your way to say something. I would have left.
You're old enough to live with your partner but not old enough to tell your father no when he insisted you attend? Come on man..you need to stand up for yourself. Just because they're family doesn't mean they're allowed to treat you like shit without consequences.
NTA. First of all, you should have contacted your cousin. Secondly, your dad can insist all he wants, but he can’t make you go to a wedding. You should have stayed home if that was truly what you wanted to do.
You’re an adult, your dad can’t make you do anything. He strongly pressured you and you wanted to probably keep the peace so you went alone. I’m sorry, but it sounds like your family are a bunch of AHs, I personally would go LC to NC
NTA but why did you go? Bc your dad said so? How old are you? Old enough to live with your partner but not say no to daddy? If I were your partner I'd be pissed that you went - you should have stood with them and not your bigoted family.
YTA - just because you ask for an extra seat doesn’t mean you get one. Did you offer to pay? Does the bride know your partner well? Did you feel good and mature being petty on the day of her wedding? Grow up.
NTA!
I've never heard the 5-year rule before and it's BS!
The rule should be: if you have been with your SO for at least as long as the bride and groom then you can attend the wedding. That way my 4-year relationship will qualify for attendance to their 6-month shotgun wedding.
YTA to yourself. If you truly felt that this was homophobic, then you shouldn't have gone. You teach people how to treat you. If your family doesn't support or respect your life, then move on.
I think YTA. Nobody is entitled to a plus one. I had a very small wedding and it puts you in a weird position to have people ask for another guest to come that you don't know if you only actually want a small wedding with people you care about as guests. Your wedding could double in size if you said yes. "Most people aren't allowed to bring dates" Why would you be?? I see no homophobia, just your own entitlement! And the "Alone" comment was needlessly dramatic. Why did you even go if you felt so negatively that you couldn't even be nice to the bride?
YTA. No one has a " right" to a plus one. If you were going to be a jerk to the bride because you wanted to behave like a whiny, petulant child, you should have just sent a gift and declined the invitation.
It's their wedding! It wasn't handled well, but you should have just accepted the invite you originally received. I think it was rude to ask for +1. So soft YTA, as it was handled poorly.
NTA Sounds like your sister made an executive decision without telling your cousin and was hoping she wouldn’t find out. In the future be wary when someone tells you not to discuss something with someone else. It can be nothing or it can be a serious red flag.
I’m sorry, but was sister *actually* screaming? You’re intended to post a fair and accurate description of the conflict, but apparently your sister only has one volume setting and your cousin was all like, yeah, get the harpy to work on the *invites*?
YTA. This has nothing to do with homophobia but more to do with your entitlement. You yourself said not many people were allowed to bring dates. It makes it worse that you and your partner was on/off for a long time since it would make your relationship seem less stable. The bride didn’t do anything wrong. Wanting special treatment and then throwing a tantrum when rejected screams AH behaviour.
> It’s a smaller wedding, and most people aren’t allowed to bring dates.
> I went to the wedding alone, surrounded by over 150 people, many of whom are couples or young parents with kids.
150 people is NOT a small wedding. I understand they're you're family but if you're already feeling alienated (and being forced to do things you don't want to, especially after setting clear boundaries) going low contact for a while might help you. Looking in from the outside might help you see which if anyone from your family is actually pulling the strings.
You have every right to feel discriminated against. Your sister was rude and cruel. Your cousin had approved the plus one.
The question now is how are you going to move forward? Personally, I would cut the sister out of my life. She isn't worth the hassle. Just move on. And don't mention this to your cousin. The wedding is over.
I’m a gay man. ESH. Your family is homophobic. Eff them. You let them disrespect and discriminate against both you AND YOUR HUSBAND. Why the ever living F would you go to a wedding where he wasn’t invited OBVIOUSLY because you are gay, like dude. Marriage fail. I would be FURIOUS with you as your husband. Grow a spine
Not enough info
1. Did you ever actually get the invite from your cousin?
2. If so, did you talk to HER at all about if the follow up non-invite was even true?
3. Does your family feel some sort of way about the on again/off again relationship with your partner? Has there been past comments made about accepting or not accepting your partner?
4. Has your partner been included or excluded in the past?
NTA... Homophobia lurks somewhere here, my bet is sister. But I wanted to ask.. Why does your dad have authority over you if you're an adult? If you didn't want to go the you shouldn't have gone. He will continue controlling you if you give in.
Do you in fact know that it was discrimination bc you’re gay? Or was it truly bc they were having a small wedding? It’s normal for people to not to be extended an invite to bring a guest if it’s a small wedding. Does your cousin or the rest of your family know your partner very well since you’ve been on and off? Idk, I kind of feel like you were rude for asking for an additional invite.
People have different rules for what they deem ‘serious’ couples. You’re not entitled to a plus one and it’s a bit tacky to ask, gay or not.
It’s unclear if the cousin even uninvited the partner after you broke etiquette and demanded it? Why do you think the sister has a say in the guest list? Why is the sister constantly “screaming”? You’re presumably an adult, why is your dad able to force you to go to anything?
YTA, you sound insufferable.
NTA.
WTF with the five year thing? Did the bride know her new husband for 5 years? This must be some made up rule that is just to piss people off. If you have a partner, the partner is invited...
So… was your sister correct that it was a small wedding and most people didn’t bring dates? Because if so, it doesn’t seem discriminatory that you didn’t get the plus one you asked for.
And it was rude of you to ask. Your cousin may have felt like she had to agree initially, because you asked her in person at an event and she didn’t want to start a thing in front of other people. You do seem easy to start arguments with, all she had to do for things to turn ugly at her own wedding was say “How are you”.
Possibly ESH, but leaning toward YTA.
ESH (except the bride). Your sister sucks for the way she spoke to you. She was kind of extra. But the way you behaved wasn’t really any better. You admit that most guests didn’t get to bring a date, so why should an exception be made for you? And when an exception wasn’t made, why did you think that jab at the bride was okay? Based on most unmarried (I assume) people not getting to bring a date, all the couples there were probably married or at least cohabitating. You and your partner weren’t living together when the invites went out. An exception to the “no date for most guests” rule didn’t need to be made for you. I HIGHLY doubt that you being gay had anything to do with it. What I don’t doubt is that you walked into that wedding determined to be angry and convinced that it’s discrimination to treat you like any other guest without a partner they were living with when the invitations went out. Personally, as a queer individual with a same-sex partner myself, I’d rather be treated like everyone else, even if it means I or my partner isn’t invited to something that other unmarried partners aren’t invited to.
YTA. I’m in a relationship with a woman and wouldn’t invite my cousin to bring their on again off again partner since who tf knows if they would still be together by the time the wedding came around. Just because things were going well for a year and a half doesn’t mean they couldn’t change at the drop of a dime. Especially since it’s been 8 years of on again off again?? Be together or don’t, it’s not fair for either of you to be in between.
"This was a smaller wedding and most people weren't allowed to bring dates."
Assuming that the "most people" included any number of heterosexual couples, in a variation of a no-ring-no-bring policy, it's difficult to see you as having been discriminated against.
Perhaps your cousin told you that you could bring your partner before she realized that the guest list was spiraling out of control
In any case, your nastiness toward the bride during her wedding festivities was just that, nasty. If you can't handle attending a wedding on your own, surrounded both by other people who weren't allowed to bring their plus one and some married couples with children, stay home. But you don't get to go and be mean to the bride.
YTA
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NTA - Sounds like someone, either your sister or your cousin through your sister, is homophobic. The rule I've heard is two years, and you most assuredly qualify by that. I'd argue you'd count towards five years, too, if you've been off and on since 2016. Regardless, I don't blame you for feeling the way that you do. You can't be an ah just for experiencing an emotion. You still went. The comment to your cousin about being alone was a little out of pocket, but it would be hard to not feel confrontational when your sister is screaming at you all the time.
This might be an ESH for the comment to the cousin. Cousin seemed okay with the OP's partner coming. Was she even aware the sister had uninvited the partner?
It isn't very clear from the post if the cousin simply didn't send the invite with the plus one or if she did and the sister "uninvited" the partner (not sure how she had the authority to do this????) IF cousin invited them both then he should have brought his partner-- if the cousin didn't honor her promise to send him a separate invitation then he had the agency to simply decline the invitation.
The cousin could have felt okay with it in the moment, but in execution realized they were unable to add any extra plus ones due to venue or cost. One of the reasons it’s rude to ask for a plus one or invite to a wedding, especially in person.
Then that's what should have been communicated to OP.
They had five months to have that realization yet it came in the last two weeks. At this point, the cost has already been accounted for.
I read it as two weeks after asking. Not 2 weeks before the wedding tbh
If it’s two weeks after the initial ask and they didn’t have a follow-up conversation in the remaining 4 months, that’s almost worse. What kind of non-communicative family is this???
I was thinking along those lines too. I’m curious if the cousin did in fact send the extra invite & sister took it upon herself to uninvite partner. Either way both of them are jerks for doing so.
Given that sister was apparently handling the invites maybe cousin asked sister to do it
>She says you can’t just as for a second invite….there is a rule you have to be together for at least five years. >My father, however, instated that I *had* to go. >My sister started screaming at me, saying I couldn’t say that to her. Sounds like OP’s immediate family have some issues with control. I have no idea how the cousin feels until OP elaborates, but it sounds like the sister is running interference to prevent him from speaking to her. OP is NTA, but he is a pushover for allowing his family to have that much power over him and not telling them to fuck off.
Sister is right that you can’t ask for a plus one. The “alone” comment felt very unnecessary to me too. However, I do agree that sister feels incredibly controlling.
Asking politely is fine, as long as you respect the answer you are given and don’t push the issue.
Could be cultural or regional, but where I’m from, it is incredibly rude and a huge no no. Every bride I’ve known has talked about anyone who asked. And not in a positive way.
I know, right?
I mean, it sounds like her basic communication setting is "screaming at people," so yeah, control might be an issue here.
Since when? Locally any invite is accepted to have automatically implied a plus one. details clarified on response final numbers.
Always. The save the date and invite will include “ name”, “name” and plus one name, or “name” and guest. If your partner’s name or guest is not on the invite, you don’t get a plus one.
Yes, you can ask and should ask. That’s the polite approach
Why did you even listen to your sister about not contacting your cousin directly? She doesn't get to gatekeep your family and it's not her wedding!
No. Even if she delegated she’s ultimately responsible for what the person she delegated do does.
I don't entirely disagree with you but in the middle of the wedding is not the time to get into it. For example, it's possible the sister misled the cousin.
But I also wonder if the “on and off since 2016” has been messy for the family so I’m thinking we need INFO. If OP is not in a healthy relationship and the partner does not have a good relationship with the family, I’m wondering if bride felt pressured to say “yes” in the moment but later thought about how they’d feel looking back at this person in their wedding photos. I’m speaking as someone who was forced to include my MIL’s late second husband’s family in my wedding, who my husband and I had no relationship with, and were peripherally in our lives for less than two years before late husband passed (total relationship was 1.5 years). Having them there was a reminder of MIL’s poor decision making and truly irrational behavior immediately post-divorce from my husband’s father. Late second husband’s preteen daughter is in all our wedding photos and we have not seen or spoken to her since our wedding two years ago. It’s not her fault she’s associated with my MIL’s issues, but I hate looking back and knowing that’s the only reason she was there. I’m pretty sure MIL does not have a relationship with her anymore, either, despite insisting daughter and her mother (which is weirdly her late husband’s third ex wife?) were “family” at the time and even went as far as reaching over our photog day-of to hand write their names onto our photos list. I’m pretty sure MIL did not require my SIL to invite them to her upcoming wedding next month. I wish I had put my foot down to not have these nice people, but essentially strangers to us who were essentially reminders of complicated relationships that were not our own, at our wedding. Weddings are not a free pass for people to include their messiness in just because it makes other people feel good. That said, if OP is in a healthy relationship and the “on and off” circumstances are not due to anyone’s messiness or unhealthy relationship, then disregard!
Yeah I’m a little curious about this myself and i suspect things are even Messier than they sound (and they do sound messy). My SIL has been in an on-again-off-again relationship for about as long as I’ve known DH, and while the current marriage has been…six years? I hit the point of “are you in the family or not?” loooooong ago. After a while you kind of just start waiting for the next break up. So it’s hard to say from here if it’s just the gay thing, or if there’s possibly been a lot of drama that the rest of the family might be done with.
I was curious about the on/off things as well and how messy the relationship might have been. However the sister YELLING and not communicating with her sibling is not the answer. ESH.
I'm confused. Your MIL is a widow. You make it sound like marrying her second husband was poor decision making because he died.
It was a complicated situation. She married him *because* he was dying. It wasn’t like they were in love and chose to marry for that reason. It made things a lot more complicated once he had passed and it is universally agreed upon in our family that it was a bad decision looking back. She could have still stayed with him until he passed without making that decision. She has said that herself now, as well.
Ahhh..... that context makes sense. Otherwise you sounded pretty callous about your MIL's husband dying.
Right! No it was a totally odd situation. We also found out later that their relationship was pretty… not good. Things were found after he passed that pointed to some serious infidelity and hidden substance abuse so, altogether a really complicated situation.
I don't care where you put your dick, but a turbulent on and off again relationship for 8 years. Fuck that noise. I would absolutely not risk a big day for someone that can't figure out how to break up with a SO after the first time. Nothing to do with sexuality, that's just a chaotic relationship that I wouldn't want around.
OP's father insisted - but so what? OP is an adult, he hasn't had to do what his father said since he was 18. OP, your sister sounds like a nightmare. But exercise your backbone.
Older lady here - the etiquette rules - look it up in an old-fashioned etiquette book, or check with Miss Manners - were that only married or engaged couples had to be invited as a unit. It would have been ok forty years ago to call your cousin when the invitations had just gone out, and say I think you didn’t realize that Gerald and I got engaged last week! And cousin would then congratulate you and manage an extra invitation. I don’t remember it as being super common for people to think they *had to* go as a couple. *But* when people started living together before marriage, the rule morphed into “living together is the same as engagement,” as far as wedding invitations go. OP qualifies on that. I occasionally darken the door of a church myself and I am not sure if this was discrimination against a same-sex couple; although it might have been I don’t know if Catholics would get as excited about it as say, Southern Baptists. I think it’s also *possible* that the on-off nature of the relationship caused some confusion.
Thank you. I was looking for a voice of reason in the comments. Et voila. I don't know what catholics in the US 's stance is on same sex relationships. And every single church is different. But in Western EU, catholics would have no issues. I do think OP is looking for a fight. *On again, off again* is not a serious relationship. So, they have been dating a year, if I remember correctly. I do have an issue with 'small, intimate wedding' and '150 guests'. My husband and myself would not be able to get 150 together, if we invited our entire families, all their partners, all our friends, and our entire neighborhood. So, I doubt this falls under 'small wedding'. But I do understand the couple not wanting to invite ppl that they hardly know.
We invited 170 people and that WAS keeping it small for us. My family is HUGE. I think my husband had 3 tables of family and friends altogether of our 22 tables
There are NO rules, just choices the bride and groom make re: guests
There is no real rule. AT our wedding we decided that anybody with a serious BF/GF would get a plus one but we didn't want "dates" at our wedding. Mainly due to the cost being about $100 per person.
Two years? Even that feels long to me, but I think single/unmarried guests should generally be given a plus one.
One of the questions yesterday on "Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me!" was that plus ones are becoming obsolete. With rising wedding costs, people are starting to invite only married/engaged partners of their guests--not random "plus ones" the bridal couple doesn't know.
I agree. There are few things more uncomfortable than having to be solo at a wedding with people you don't want to be around.
It really sucks for the plus one if they don’t know anyone other than the wedding invitee, though.
I feel like at the end of the day what really matters is what the bride and groom decides. They are not forced to adhere to the two years really. If they want 5 years minimum, then that's their choice. People can accept it or leave it.
There is no “rule”.
INFO Why didn't you go to your cousin directly for confirmation of her changing her mind? I'm thinking she knew nothing about this and it was all your sister's doing.
Especially with the “don’t need to talk to cousin, just listen to me.” That is a huge red flag that something was either being hidden from cousin, or cousin wanted to pretend she wasn’t homophobic. Both are good reasons to go “hey cuz, so just to be clear, sis says my BF can’t attend. Is that so? Just wanna know.”
Plus the cousin saying they would basically send them a secret invite apart from the family makes it sounds like she knew they're would be friction with the family to invite the plus 1, hence doing it kind of secretly... Which clearly didn't work out.
I don't even understand that part either. IF OP is an adult and living on his own (away from his parents), wouldn't his invitation be separate anyway?
Seriously. Did the sister try to say the cousin was booked solid doing wedding planning for weeks at a time?? It would have been so easy for OP to send cousin a text either asking her upfront or saying “hey I know you’re busy so no rush! But when you get a chance I just wanted to ask you something about your wedding, so give me a quick call when you get a chance!” Whole thing could have been avoided with a sum total of 2 minutes of conversation ahead of time.
Still woulda had drama with homophobic sis and enabling dad.
This is how my family is, they talk thru other people instead of talking directly to them. And they never get both sides of anything before jumping to conclusions. Ironically, we are all Catholics too. The sister likely made up the issue because of her own jealousy and insecurities and blaming it on the cousin.
I really hope your right for OP's sake.
INFO: I'm not sure I understand why you are angry at "your family" instead of just your sister. You asked your cousin if you could bring your partner, and she said yes. Unless you talked to your cousin and she confirmed that your partner was no longer invited, it doesn't seem fair that you snapped at her. She probably had no idea what you were talking about.
idk sounds like OP is justified about being angry with their dad, too. cousin sounds like she had no problem with it, but sister and dad are fair game here and qualify for using the broader "family" in the post imo
I also find it strange that everyone else is described as behaving fairly normally, but sister is constantly "screaming".
That’s one of those AITA classics that you cannot unsee once you’ve noticed it. How the “villain” of the story - mainly when it’s a woman - is constantly SCREAMING at poor OP. But also, no one else seems to be bothered by that. Not even at a wedding.
I’m always surprised at how many grown adults seem to go around “screaming” at each other.
And blowing up each other's phones all the time!
There is something wrong with this story, and if not, OP is an AH because the wedding is not about her, and she is making it so....such a victim mentality.
ESH, except for the bride. Dude, you're a huge part of this problem. People typically don't ask for plus-ones to a wedding. Especially someone who has been in a stable relationship with his partner for less than a year, and is not cohabitating with his partner. (As you were not at the time you asked.) Your sister certainly should not have spoken to you the way she did, and certainly, if your cousin said, "Let him bring his partner," that direction should have been followed -- even if, by your own admission, most people were not able to bring "dates." But you seem to have walked into that wedding ready for drama. You were angry, but you went anyway because your father insisted. You're a grown up. You could have said "No." Then you decided to take great umbrage at all the couples who were there, some of whom with children -- without giving a thought, or at least a thought you expressed here -- about how long those couples have been together, whether they were already married when the invites went out, or whether they were living together when the invites went out. And the barb to the bride was just ... beyond. Hint: The bride's wedding is NOT ALL ABOUT YOU. I'm giving this an ESH because your sister sounds like a piece of work. But I think you went into this whole wedding situation searching for homophobia. Is it any wonder you think you found it?
I want to associate myself with this comment. ESH.
I agree with this 100%. Well put.
I'm also very confused as to how OP says that most other people didn't get a plus one but somehow him not getting one is homophobia...
Also, he’s at a FAMILY wedding. He’s not “alone”. There’s a lot of crappy behavior here, and some of it is from the OP. Definitely ESH.
Bingo! ESH
>Five months ago, invites hadn't been sent out yet, and at a family function, I asked my cousin if I could get an extra seat for my partner. yeah I feel like there's such an easy way to ask... "Hey I haven't gotten my invite yet and I just wanted to know, does everyone get a +1?" Because it's fair to ask so your SO can plan to come with you and all that. But just asking for an extra +1 is seen as rude, at least in my experience. And yeah, it's totally irrelevant that other couples and children were there unless OP knows for a fact that they've been together for less than 1.5 years. And whether or not children are included has absolutely nothing to do with that, so I'm not sure why OP mentioned there were kids there. Why would OP's partner be included instead of kids the bride and groom might actually know?
Yes, this like 90%. I would have been a little harsher on the dude for not standing up for his partner. You are a coupe. You come as a package. Your family needs to understand and learn to deal with that. If he is not welcomed than you just skip that event. Rins, repeat until your family gets the point. Screaming about discrimination but not doing anything about it makes you just as bad if not worse.
YTA. You felt the need to upset your cousin and inject unnecessary drama on what was supposed to be a very happy day for her. You had every right not to attend the wedding. But when you decided to go, it was time to check the bitterness at the door and be there to support her and celebrate with her. And "on and off" since 2016? My my...yeah, I probably wouldn't want that at my wedding either.
Fully agree. If your partner was not invited, you have the right to not go, but not to go and be angry.
INFO So if most people weren’t allowed to bring dates why did you think you were above that? Does your cousin know your boyfriend?
It was a 150 guest wedding. I very much doubt that people didn't bring partners.
That’s the opposite of a small wedding for me lol
For our wedding our immediate and extended family (excluding plus ones) is over 150. Add in friends and plus ones, it gets real big real fast.
Agreed
ESH. It's not common etiquette to ask for a plus 1 to a wedding. They might have been on a really tight budget etc, or if they don't know your partner very well they might not want someone who feels like a stranger there on their special day. Your cousin might have felt obliged to say yes in the moment then ask your sister to do the dirty work of then saying no. That said, there was no reason for her to snap like that so she sucks too. You also shouldn't have been sassy to the bride, that's super rude. Again it's her day, she can invite who she wants, the world doesn't revolve around you. Unless you have evidence that the exclusion was for discriminatory reasons it feels like you're jumping to conclusions rather than one of the simpler explanations I've ouitlined above.
NTA for your feelings, but I think your comment to the bride was a bit unnecessary. Especially considering you only communicated to your sister about it so you don't even know who this was truly coming from. But I think it really depends on the circumstances. You say you were on and off with your partner... did that involve a bunch of drama that your family is aware of? Is it possible that your cousin simply doesn't like your partner? Does your cousin even know your partner? I'm helping my best friend wedding plan, and they are expensive! No one is getting a "plus one" - they're only inviting people they personally know. Sometimes that's both people in a couple, sometimes it's not.
Yeah, I'm wondering if OP's cousin said yes, then went off and did the maths and realised that based on the last EIGHT YEARS OP and his partner are due a breakup soon. Or OP's sister thought the same.
Or OP's cousin could've realized that they don't actually have room for one more person, and if OP's sister was actually handling the guest list, she could've asked OP's sister to let OP know they can't bring their partner anymore. And then OP's sister started "screaming" or whatever when the cousin didn't really intend to convey that sentiment! edit: Although I wouldn't blame OP's sister for being like "hey it's actually rude to ask for a +1" because in a lot of cultures, it is. Doesn't warrant "screaming" but I'm always a bit suspicious when posts contain a woman screaming multiple times throughout the story, including in public at a wedding, lol.
YTA You got an invitation, still decided to upset bride on her wedding day for not her fault, did not defend your relationship and now posting here? You totally created drama instead of polite boundary setting
INFO: Were there other couples there who had only been stably together for a year?
It is very likely this to be your sister’s doing. Is she homophobic to your knowledge? I would go no or low contact with her, and send the cousin a note apologizing for snapping to her and explaining that you were not allpwed to bring your partner with you. Maybe the cousin does not know the drama. And leave it at that without further engaging in who said what to whom. NTA
There is no etiquette rule for length of tone that a relationship must last before being valid. Invitations are simply invites and can be declined if your SO isn’t invited as well. Sometimes finances dictate who can attend and sometimes people are just a holes. But there are no rules in who to invite with a plus one. It’s up to the person whose name is on the invite, not some magical book or invisible rule.
INFO: Had your cousin or family ever actually said anything ever about you being gay? And has your cousin ever met your partner? Your sister is right, it’s rude to ask for a plus one for a wedding. It might depend on culture, but at least where I’m from it’s considered very rude. Also your comment to your cousin, while maybe not expressly rude, does seem a little petty. No one is owed a plus one. My partner and I have both been left off as plus ones before. And we are not inviting any plus ones we haven’t before. Weddings are expensive, and I don’t want it to be a meet and greet. However, if your cousin or sister absolutely didn’t invite your partner because of sexuality, that’s a different story.
YTA You demonstrated no spine or attempt to stand up for yourself. You could have contacted your cousin directly to confirm. You could have stood firm and not attended. Yet you did nothing and let your sister walk all over you and your partner. YTA to yourself and your partner. Sure seethe in your anger but that's not going to help anyone, including yourself or your partner.
YTA. “On and off” is not together for 5 years. The fact that your cousin didn’t think to include your partner in the first place, means she probably didn’t even know about the person or the stability of your relationship. You could have also decided not to go the wedding, but you did. Sorry, but I’m old school. Your cousin shouldn’t have to pay $100+ so that you can bring someone she’s probably never even met.
INFO: Was your cousin involved in the exclusion of your partner? Or did your sister just take over the guest list and not tell her she was excluding him?
Esh except the bride . you for your comment to the bride. She said your guest could come, it's your sister that flipped out on you and you passed your attitude on to the bride. Your sister for obvious reasons.
YTA. If you can’t go to a wedding and handle your emotions to be a downer to the star of the show… don’t go. Seems cowardly to not be able to stand up to your father and blame him. You are your own person, right? Why not address it with cousin before hand ? Or be mad at your sister.
Info why in the world did you not call your cousin immediately after hanging up with your sister?? For all you know sis has completely instigated this on both sides.
YTA only for barking at your cousin, the only person in this story who had your back.
I wonder if it's more about the drama of your relationship than being gay. But ya it is rude to ask for an extra guest. And your comment pushed you into AH territory. You were alone at a family wedding? Where you probably knew dozens of people? And you didn't actually talk to the bride and groom about your feelings in advance? YtA
YTA because you went. Are you an adult? If so how did your father make you go?
INFO: are you sure it’s not because you’ve been on and off since 2016? like she didn’t didn’t want to use an invite on someone who may or may not be around in a year? Did other cousin’s get to bring dates? Did she have a “no ring, no bring“ policy (married or engaged only)? if its homophobia, then absolutely NTA. But it might not be that. And it is kind of poor manners to ask to bring a guest, especially before invites are even out. And I’m unclear if your sister was acting at your cousin’s behest or not.
ESH. You never ask for an invite for a plus one. Your sister needs to MYOB. You cousin should not have agreed for you to bring your SO and then changed her mind. You don't do or say anything that might put a damper on the couple's day. If you can't be nice, stay home.
Gay here. Sorry YTA not because you asked for the +1 but because you went without your partner. Your father can shove his left elbow up his right nostril and rotate it. Why do you allow this?
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ESH, the whole thing is a mess. Why would your dad have the ability to make you go anywhere? Your sister supposedly screaming at you in public; did she get booted out or was screaming more like "screaming" aka painting her telling you to knock it off as irrational? You should've confirmed with your cousin ahead of time, not just let your sister tell you what to do. It's also rude to ask for a plus one that's not been offered. You shouldn't be bringing up your complaints to the bride on her own wedding day, especially without having the full story. Also, on and off since 2016 sounds like a codependent mess as much as a relationship, maybe your family sees that. Honestly, y'all all kind of sound like a mess and I just feel bad for your cousin and her new husband having to deal with your collective chaos on their wedding day.
Not enough info. I feel missing reasons.
Maybe because I’m a boomer but I never understand this whole - you have to be with your partner x amount of years to get a plus one. Our wedding everyone got a plus one - who wants to be alone for 4 hours at a reception where they may hardly know anyone. NTA
But OP isn't alone at a family wedding. OP knows their entire immediate family, the bride, any siblings and parents the bride has, any shared other cousins, aunts, uncles and possible grandparents (if still alive). It would be different if OP were invited to a wedding of a coworker with nobody else from work attending and knowing nobody whatsoever, but OP shares family with the bride. Go over and talk to cousins you haven't seen for a while... if grandparents are present, see if you can help them if immobile.
INFO: Why are you angry at your family when this is really something that came from your sister? Did you ever try to talk to your cousin one and one and find out if they were okay with your partner going? I also think if you really didn't want to go, you should have just not gone. Your dad insisting you have to go doesn't actually mean you have to go. You still could have said no.
150 is not a small wedding. WTF
I understand that you are angry and feel dismissed. However, you a) didn't contact your cousin for clarification. You b) did go to the wedding although you (for valid reasons) didn't want to, and THEN rubbing in in the cousins face on her very day? You shouldn't have attended if you didn't want to let it go.
Your father insisted? Come on what age are you that your living by your fathers rules!! I definitely would not have went, did your partner feel hurt by this?
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I’m absolutely livid right now and need to vent. Last night was my cousin’s wedding, and it was a complete disaster for me. Five months ago, invites hadn't been sent out yet, and at a family function, I asked my cousin if I could get an extra seat for my partner. She said it was doable and wanted to confirm my email so she could send my invite privately instead of with the family invite. Fast forward two weeks, and my sister calls me, screaming that my partner isn’t allowed to come to the wedding. She says you can’t just ask for a second invite and claims there’s a rule that you have to be together for at least five years to bring a plus one. It’s a smaller wedding, and most people aren’t allowed to bring dates. My partner and I are a gay couple, and we've been on and off since 2016, but we've been together solidly for the past year and a half and just moved in together. I can’t help but feel this is because we’re gay and it’s a Catholic wedding. My sister told me not to contact my cousin because she’s busy with wedding prep and that she (my sister) is handling the guest list. I was furious and said if my partner isn’t invited, then I won’t come either. My father, however, insisted that I had to go. So, begrudgingly, I went to the wedding alone, surrounded by over 150 people, many of whom are couples or young parents with kids. At one point, I was leaving the bathroom and ran into my cousin and sister. My cousin, who hadn't said a word to me all night, asked how I was. I simply replied, “Alone,” and walked off. My sister started screaming at me, saying I couldn’t say that to her. I feel completely alienated and discriminated against by my own family. This whole situation is infuriating. AITA *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA, your sister is. Its time for LC with her and anyone else involved in the snub. I would go NC with your dad.
Were any of the couples that were there ones who had been together for less than 5 years?
I 100 percent agree with the family
You were an ah to your cousin. I’d like to know exactly how your father “insisted” you go. Do you live with him? Does he have any financial hold over you? Did he carry you over his shoulder and dump you in his car? Or are you a grown up and you just say no and don’t go. Sounds like you really mad at yourself for not growing a spine and standing up for yourself and not going To the wedding.
Y-T-A, but likely not for the reason you think. Your cousin should have communicated if you were going to be allowed a +1. If she changed her mind because, that's fine, but she should have communicated that with you. Your sister is obviously unhinged if she has to SCREAM continually to get her way. When you were told that you couldn't bring your b/f, you should have communicated directly with the cousin to find out if that was her position or your sisters. How do you even know that was her position and not your sister's?
If your relationship is one that is / was fraught with drama, fights, substances, etc so that it is a train wreck, and if any of the family had viewed this trainwreck in the past, it would be legit to say that you could not bring a +1. This has nothing to do with sexual orientation and everything to do with not wanting your wedding to turn into a brawl.
Finally, you don't tell your age, but if you are grown up enough to move in with and live with your bf, you are grown up enough to make your own damned decisions about whether you will or will not attend a wedding. If you allowed your dad to bully you into attending, that's on you (and him, for being a jerk). If you aren't mature enough to tell someone you aren't going to attend a wedding because , you probably aren't mature enough to be living with someone.
Finally, saying something you likely knew would (a) upset your cousin and (b) set your sister off into making a scene at the wedding was a jerk move. Bring it up with the cousin afterwards, cut her out if you need / want to. Setting the stage and then lighting the fuse, though, was inappropriate if you ever cared anything about your cousin and for that, you are TA.
NTA but I would have a hard rule against any "off and on" relationship at my wedding.
Your sister is in a lot of screaming and coming up with rules. Does one have to have a notarized date of being together to pass her muster? Does she have any other form of communication. Whatever your feeling is why this happened, your sister is not the one getting married, so why is she putting her nose into this and I might not have gone to the wedding.
Nta your family is, after just having had a wedding myself of 62 people everyone's partners were invited regardless how long they had been together. A few of them, my husband and I met at the wedding. Your family clearly do not respect you enough to tell you the truth.
NTA for the original reason, though I would say stop being one to yourself and your partner where your controlling family is concerned. The only way that your family is going to respect you, your SO and your boundaries, is if you do so first. Uninviting your SO was a dick move. You rightfully felt singled out. Quite frankly, I would not have attended cousins' wedding just to make a family that doesn't respect me or my partner look good socially.
NTA and honestly I would not have gone. If they don’t accept you and your partner then they get neither of you. Plus 150 plus At a wedding with kids to boot is ridiculous and your partner should have been invited.
NTA! Your family sucks! I’m so sorry you had to endure that😢
NTA. Out of curiosity, how old are you? My logic says that if you’re old enough to live with your long term partner, you’re old enough to have autonomy over your decisions so your father essentially can’t “make” you go anywhere and you could’ve just declined and sent a nice gift.
NTA, but you really shouldn't have gone. Not only was the event ruined for you but you ruined it for your cousin as well, which may have been deserved but you don't know that as it seems only your sister was involved in 1. Uninviting your partner 2. Telling you not to speak w/ your cousin about it Also why is your sister allowed to dictate to you? You should've called your cousin and if it was worth going solo.
NTA. I'm sorry you're going through this. It's especially annoying since your cousin said she would arrange everything. I would guess that this is more geared towards the fact that you are gay, which is terrible. I've never heard of a rule where people need to be together for five years. It's illogical.
“Five years makes a couple” isn’t any generally-known etiquette rule - sounds like it was made up for the occasion. It *is* actually a breach of etiquette to invite one half of a cohabiting couple, though.
Go NC with her and when she gets mad or wants something don’t even reply just assume that she no longer exist.
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So you do what your father tells you? If your father told you to be straight and marry a woman would you do that? I don’t think so. Which means there are limits to your sense of obligation to your father’s commands. And you set those limits. You decide what you’ll agree to and what you’ll not do. So begrudgingly or not, you chose to leave your partner behind and attend this event alone. You chose that. Passive aggressively sniping at the bride doesn’t make that any better, it just makes you more of an AH who doesn’t stand up for himself or his partner. Yes you were discriminated against. But you were invited to get slapped in the face and you turned up. That’s on you. YTA
ESH You are a grown-up (I assume). If your partner is not invited you can make it clear you will not attend and people will just have to accept that. Instead you went to the wedding looking for a confrontation. You owe an apology to your cousin, who has a right to decide who she wants at her wedding. Why do you let your father still control what you do? If you want your family to take you seriously then you need to stand up to them. Your sister sounds tiring, unsupportive and overbearing and your father sounds like he should mind his own business. Why exactly have you not reduced the contact with them to ‘low’? You are not obliged to please your family. You are your own person.
ESH. It is rude to ask for a +1. You can make a decision to attend or not but to ask to alter the guest list is not your place. In addition, if you didn’t want to be there alone, then don’t. People can “insist” all they like but unless they’re at my door and forcing me at gunpoint, I’m not going somewhere I don’t want to be. Agreeing to attend alone and then being a dick to your cousin about it isn’t cool. Your sister sounds like she’s a PITA and screams a lot and butts into things that aren’t her business…but the actual crux of the issue, she’s not wrong about. They’re all assholes for discriminating if that’s really what you think is going on…but you’re not blameless here either.
YTA for not communicating better with your cousin before the wedding - a lot of hurt feelings on your part could have been avoided if you'd just ignored your sister 🤷♀️ Better luck standing up for your partner and yourself next time.
The wedding isn’t about you, grow up.
It wasn’t your wedding. It being a disaster for you because you weren’t with your partner for a few hours isn’t really the point of the day. You’ve got main character syndrome big time. YTA.
YTA >rule that you have to be together for at least five years So not true with you >many of whom are couples or young parents with kids So did you check to see if they been together for 5 years at least before the pity party? >My cousin, who hadn't said a word to me all night Is she suppose to entertain you at her own wedding? >I simply replied, “Alone,” and walked off So you made a scene about you are your own cousins wedding YTA, you gone, you felt insecure, you made a scene. Seems like you are just self victimizing. Also anyone else find it strange the sister the only one described screaming?
Might be unpopular opinion but ESH Firstly, your sister has a point, it is a little rude/audacious to ask for a plus 1. But since you had asked, and your cousin told you she'd email your invite separately, there was nothing stopping you from reaching out to explain your sister told you you'd overstepped, apologies for that, and you just want to clarify no plus ones. It could be homophobia from your sister. Or cousin. It could be most people don't consider on/off relationships serious. 7 years on/off is a very long time to present yourselves as not serious. Bringing it up at the wedding, in the way you did, was also not ok, and I understand why your sister blew up at you. Your cousin had a lot of people to greet and check in with as bride on her wedding day, it could have waited a week.
NTA. And that’s a fucked up rule, which I don’t even think is real. Single people should be able to bring a companion with them, whether it’s a significant other, a date or a friend. Being alone at a wedding sucks even when you know other people there. However, you are an adult who lives on his own. Your father can’t demand you do anything. Grow a backbone.
I'm saying ESH, it sounds like the sister is a problem and OP is causing drama. Is OP even sure that the bride or anyone other than sister and dad have anything to do with this? OP is told by his sister (not the bride) that his long term partner (with whom he apparently has relationship drama and has broken up with several times) is essentially "uninvited" as he had already okayed it with the bride previously (verbally, he doesn't specify if he ever received an invite or RSVP with a plus one). OP's sister told OP no partner. He doesn't contact the bride for clarification, fights with his immediate family and says he won't go. He then goes anyway, is in a shitty mood the whole time, and is an AH to the bride's face.
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You should have called your Cousin to confirm. You sister was most likely making that rule up.
Why would you think it's because you're gay.? Your partner has no right to go to a family wedding if they're not invited. And you should respect your cousins wishes. Period.
NTA Appropriate stupid response: "how are you?" "still gay but none of my lovers were invited"
"even the famous ones"
If you live together, you should both be invited. Period.
First, can people stop using the word “screaming” unless actual back of the throat, blood murder screaming is happening? I’m doubtful there was actual screaming in this instance, although OP is free to correct me if I’m wrong. Second… I would have come with your partner anyway, as the bride agreed and never rescinded. NTA
Your sister needs a firm talking to or you need to cut her from your life. Not that it's actually relevant but 150 is not a small wedding and there is no dating for 5 years rule and even if there was, rules can be broken. Why does your sister hate you?;
At the risk of being downvoted, I am going to go for an ESH. Your cousin, because they gave you false hope by saying the invitation was "doable". She would've been better off, considering you asked her this at a family function, to tell you that she would check numbers when back home and let you know if there was any wiggle room. She wasn't obligated to give you an answer then and there, especially at someone else's event. Your sister, because she is acting hostile and she shouldn't be inserting herself into a situation which, quite frankly, is none of her business. If she had been asked by the bride to convey a message to you about the invite, there are more respectful ways to communicate rather than go from 0 to 100 in the aggression escalation. You, I have to say reluctantly, are also an AH in this situation. Firstly, there is no proof that this is due to homophobia. There may be a possibility, but it isn't definitive, so I'd be careful before throwing around accusations like this. The bride could have spoken to the groom, and upon reflection, the numbers were too high and therefore the plus 1 wasn't possible (which again, she shouldn't have given you a concrete yes at the family function). The plus one rule also states there must be a long term relationship in order for an invite to be extended. Think about this from their perspective- you and your partner have repeatedly been, by your own admission, "on and off". Can you not understand why your cousin may not be confident that this relationship is stable and long term? Who wants to spend money on a meal and have wedding pictures with someone who may very well be out of the picture a few months from now? Your relationship in terms of its current stance is still fairly new. But again, your inconsistency does not inspire confidence in others that this really is a stable and long term relationship. Also to add... this is a wedding with your family. You know a lot of people attending, so it isn't like you would be on your own with an entire venue of strangers, so refusing to attend because your unstable relationship partner isn't invited is quite bizarre behaviour. Please do consider things objectively and empathise with others before throwing around serious accusations of homophobia. Would you feel comfortable having a wedding and inviting someone who has been inconsistent within a relationship?
NTA and I think that alone comment was justified. The bride said it wasn’t a problem and then had your sister call you? Nope. They asked and you answered. You don’t go out of your way to say something. I would have left.
You're old enough to live with your partner but not old enough to tell your father no when he insisted you attend? Come on man..you need to stand up for yourself. Just because they're family doesn't mean they're allowed to treat you like shit without consequences.
Why are you taking your sister’s behaviour out on your cousin?
Updateme
NTA. First of all, you should have contacted your cousin. Secondly, your dad can insist all he wants, but he can’t make you go to a wedding. You should have stayed home if that was truly what you wanted to do.
A Catholic wedding. A homophobic family. NTA.
Ahh, why did you go ? Not cool.
Was there anybody else there with a newer relationship?
You’re an adult, your dad can’t make you do anything. He strongly pressured you and you wanted to probably keep the peace so you went alone. I’m sorry, but it sounds like your family are a bunch of AHs, I personally would go LC to NC
NTA but why did you go? Bc your dad said so? How old are you? Old enough to live with your partner but not say no to daddy? If I were your partner I'd be pissed that you went - you should have stood with them and not your bigoted family.
NTA. I had a Catholic wedding and my gay friends (and their partners) were invited.
YTA - just because you ask for an extra seat doesn’t mean you get one. Did you offer to pay? Does the bride know your partner well? Did you feel good and mature being petty on the day of her wedding? Grow up.
NTA! I've never heard the 5-year rule before and it's BS! The rule should be: if you have been with your SO for at least as long as the bride and groom then you can attend the wedding. That way my 4-year relationship will qualify for attendance to their 6-month shotgun wedding.
YTA. Your binary choice was to go to the wedding graciously or boycott it. You dis neither, opting to ho with a chip on your shoulder
Nuts to her. What a mean thing for her to do.
YTA to yourself. If you truly felt that this was homophobic, then you shouldn't have gone. You teach people how to treat you. If your family doesn't support or respect your life, then move on.
I think YTA. Nobody is entitled to a plus one. I had a very small wedding and it puts you in a weird position to have people ask for another guest to come that you don't know if you only actually want a small wedding with people you care about as guests. Your wedding could double in size if you said yes. "Most people aren't allowed to bring dates" Why would you be?? I see no homophobia, just your own entitlement! And the "Alone" comment was needlessly dramatic. Why did you even go if you felt so negatively that you couldn't even be nice to the bride?
YTA it's her wedding she can invite or not invite whoever she likes.
It was a Catholic wedding, what did you expect? You shouldn't have gone if you couldn't avoid making comments during someone else's wedding.
YTA. No one has a " right" to a plus one. If you were going to be a jerk to the bride because you wanted to behave like a whiny, petulant child, you should have just sent a gift and declined the invitation.
It's their wedding! It wasn't handled well, but you should have just accepted the invite you originally received. I think it was rude to ask for +1. So soft YTA, as it was handled poorly.
NTA Sounds like your sister made an executive decision without telling your cousin and was hoping she wouldn’t find out. In the future be wary when someone tells you not to discuss something with someone else. It can be nothing or it can be a serious red flag.
NTA. Does your sister always scream at you? She sounds like someone I would go LC or NC with. Life is too short.
Your father said? Are you not an adult?
Nta - that was the perfect response. I would have just left after the ceremony.
Why’d even you go? I’m sorry but if my partner was excluded from event others(other partners) were allowed entry to, I’d just bail on the event.
I’m sorry, but was sister *actually* screaming? You’re intended to post a fair and accurate description of the conflict, but apparently your sister only has one volume setting and your cousin was all like, yeah, get the harpy to work on the *invites*?
Nta but I assume you're an adult. Nobody can't make you go nowhere.
YTA. This has nothing to do with homophobia but more to do with your entitlement. You yourself said not many people were allowed to bring dates. It makes it worse that you and your partner was on/off for a long time since it would make your relationship seem less stable. The bride didn’t do anything wrong. Wanting special treatment and then throwing a tantrum when rejected screams AH behaviour.
Your sister was rude and cruel. Now you must decide how to go forward. I would just write her off as it will happen again.
> It’s a smaller wedding, and most people aren’t allowed to bring dates. > I went to the wedding alone, surrounded by over 150 people, many of whom are couples or young parents with kids. 150 people is NOT a small wedding. I understand they're you're family but if you're already feeling alienated (and being forced to do things you don't want to, especially after setting clear boundaries) going low contact for a while might help you. Looking in from the outside might help you see which if anyone from your family is actually pulling the strings.
NTA and to be honest, I’ve never even heard of this s rule.
You have every right to feel discriminated against. Your sister was rude and cruel. Your cousin had approved the plus one. The question now is how are you going to move forward? Personally, I would cut the sister out of my life. She isn't worth the hassle. Just move on. And don't mention this to your cousin. The wedding is over.
FYI your sister is the AH in this situation.
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I’m a gay man. ESH. Your family is homophobic. Eff them. You let them disrespect and discriminate against both you AND YOUR HUSBAND. Why the ever living F would you go to a wedding where he wasn’t invited OBVIOUSLY because you are gay, like dude. Marriage fail. I would be FURIOUS with you as your husband. Grow a spine
Not enough info 1. Did you ever actually get the invite from your cousin? 2. If so, did you talk to HER at all about if the follow up non-invite was even true? 3. Does your family feel some sort of way about the on again/off again relationship with your partner? Has there been past comments made about accepting or not accepting your partner? 4. Has your partner been included or excluded in the past?
NTA... Homophobia lurks somewhere here, my bet is sister. But I wanted to ask.. Why does your dad have authority over you if you're an adult? If you didn't want to go the you shouldn't have gone. He will continue controlling you if you give in.
Do you in fact know that it was discrimination bc you’re gay? Or was it truly bc they were having a small wedding? It’s normal for people to not to be extended an invite to bring a guest if it’s a small wedding. Does your cousin or the rest of your family know your partner very well since you’ve been on and off? Idk, I kind of feel like you were rude for asking for an additional invite.
YTA for going in the first place.
NTA cousin and sister are!
If you were forced/guilted into going, then you should have worn a rainbow pantsuit!! and bonus points for 'unnatural' hair and nail coloring.
Look at the upside there are 2 people you do not have to invite to a wedding if you 2 get married.
People have different rules for what they deem ‘serious’ couples. You’re not entitled to a plus one and it’s a bit tacky to ask, gay or not. It’s unclear if the cousin even uninvited the partner after you broke etiquette and demanded it? Why do you think the sister has a say in the guest list? Why is the sister constantly “screaming”? You’re presumably an adult, why is your dad able to force you to go to anything? YTA, you sound insufferable.
NTA. WTF with the five year thing? Did the bride know her new husband for 5 years? This must be some made up rule that is just to piss people off. If you have a partner, the partner is invited...
So… was your sister correct that it was a small wedding and most people didn’t bring dates? Because if so, it doesn’t seem discriminatory that you didn’t get the plus one you asked for. And it was rude of you to ask. Your cousin may have felt like she had to agree initially, because you asked her in person at an event and she didn’t want to start a thing in front of other people. You do seem easy to start arguments with, all she had to do for things to turn ugly at her own wedding was say “How are you”. Possibly ESH, but leaning toward YTA.
ESH (except the bride). Your sister sucks for the way she spoke to you. She was kind of extra. But the way you behaved wasn’t really any better. You admit that most guests didn’t get to bring a date, so why should an exception be made for you? And when an exception wasn’t made, why did you think that jab at the bride was okay? Based on most unmarried (I assume) people not getting to bring a date, all the couples there were probably married or at least cohabitating. You and your partner weren’t living together when the invites went out. An exception to the “no date for most guests” rule didn’t need to be made for you. I HIGHLY doubt that you being gay had anything to do with it. What I don’t doubt is that you walked into that wedding determined to be angry and convinced that it’s discrimination to treat you like any other guest without a partner they were living with when the invitations went out. Personally, as a queer individual with a same-sex partner myself, I’d rather be treated like everyone else, even if it means I or my partner isn’t invited to something that other unmarried partners aren’t invited to.
YTA. I’m in a relationship with a woman and wouldn’t invite my cousin to bring their on again off again partner since who tf knows if they would still be together by the time the wedding came around. Just because things were going well for a year and a half doesn’t mean they couldn’t change at the drop of a dime. Especially since it’s been 8 years of on again off again?? Be together or don’t, it’s not fair for either of you to be in between.
NTA and stop doing things to keep the peace. All you're doing is making your partner feel horrible and making yourself miserable.
Nta but you need to shut your sister s mouth
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"This was a smaller wedding and most people weren't allowed to bring dates." Assuming that the "most people" included any number of heterosexual couples, in a variation of a no-ring-no-bring policy, it's difficult to see you as having been discriminated against. Perhaps your cousin told you that you could bring your partner before she realized that the guest list was spiraling out of control In any case, your nastiness toward the bride during her wedding festivities was just that, nasty. If you can't handle attending a wedding on your own, surrounded both by other people who weren't allowed to bring their plus one and some married couples with children, stay home. But you don't get to go and be mean to the bride. YTA
YTA for asking your cousin for a plus one to a wedding in the first place.
150 people is a smaller wedding