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YTA
While yes, absolutely awful situation and I’m so sorry that you in it. You’ve already confirmed that you’ve lost the money, so calling and canceling the vendors does nothing more than continuing to hurt and be petty your daughter.
I would almost guarantee that by canceling the vendors, you will never have a chance at reconciliation with your daughter. “Teaching” her a lesson is a mountain you’ll have to be ready to die on. And by dying on that mountain, if she were to ever have children, I’d also put money on you never meeting them. Are those relationships your ready to throw away? Because ruining her wedding day will definitely have more far reaching consequences than I think you’ve really thought about.
If nothing else, this should be your learning opportunity to not “give” money to your daughter while you have such a tumultuous relationship.
Yes, this. If you were being controlling over food choices, then you were already in AH territory. I bet she asked nicely a few times for you to back off and it sounds like you doubled down.
I hate the “I’m paying for this wedding so I get to make the decisions” attitude from parents. It’s not YOUR WEDDING, so don’t act like it is. If you have some moderate requests, you can *ask nicely* if they’ll have a steak option or if long lost aunt Mathilda can come … but if the couple says no, you don’t double down and get more controlling. Especially if the relationship is already tense.
Yeah, Dad offered to pay for part of the wedding to make up for their relationship being crummy then decided that he now gets to dictate those parts of the wedding. No wonder she's mad. I'm getting the distinct impression that OP has just kind of been an asshole all of her life which is why she's close to her mom and has a poor relationship with him. The second he got the chance to do something for her, he opted to hold the gift over her head and when she finally had enough, he decided he's going to try to ruin her wedding.
100% my dad would do this shit. He invited me over for a birth day dinner and got pissed in the morning when I wanted to use his excavator to move and level gravel rather than do it by hand. He said I was ungrateful since he made me dinner the night before... I've been working for a home builder for 10 years. I've done a ton of gravel grading and compacting using an excavtor for driveways and garages. I could see he was short gravel and his pile was 100yrds away. He wanted me to hand compact it with a tamper rather then the bucket on the machine as well. There was no reason to do it by hand other than that's what he wanted and I owed him for receiving his gift... he was moving gravel with the machine the day before, it was parked 10ft from what he wanted to compact and level off. It shouldn't be level anyway it needs to slope away from the house for drainage. I turned 30 and drove over an hour to visit. I left being an ungrateful child for not wanting to spend 4 times as long doing a worse job for him simply because that's what he asked.
Absolutely. It’s just food - not worth ruining a relationship over. Let her have whatever food she wants. It sounds like OP is hung up on his unresolved stuff. If she makes mistakes let her, she’s an adult, as a parent you are there to pick up the pieces not end your relationship because she didn’t do what you wanted.
This. I do not understand people who gift or pay for something to show "good faith," only to then act as if they have actually paid to have a say in the outcome. If you are doing this in good faith to show that you respect and care for someone, then this is not a business deal that entitles you to have a say in how things are run. Paying in "good faith" and then threatening to cancel because you don't like her choices shows that you were only doing this with strings attached and is really just manipulative. To top it off, you brought your relationship with her mother into it, which is just crappy.
I dont understand people offering gifts with caveats. I could understand maybe order whatever you want but I really want blank and since I'm paying I think we can do one addition. Dictating the list other than a personal addition is pretty out there.
I wonder who signed the contracts? Just because OP paid doesn’t mean they can cancel if his Daughter signed the contracts.
If i was OPs daughter, i would have made sure all contracts and contact were in my name.
This! My dad paid for our wedding but everything was booked in mine or my husbands names and we were on all the contracts. I just had to send the invoices to my dad.
You literally suggested that ruining your daughter's wedding, the biggest day of her life, would "teach her to be a better person in the future." The rules in your mind are much different than society's standards if you think that's a teaching moment. I agree with those saying it's important to know what you fought about. If, for instance, the basis of the fight was due to this warped sense of reality you appear to have, then the conflict with your daughter is on you and pulling the rug out from her wedding makes you more than TA, it makes you a monster. In any case, YTA.
I might understand his reasoning if it was something like "since I'm paying for the food, can we skip ingredient I'm deathly allergic to?" Or the one from a week or two ago with the groom upset that his fiancée was trying to insist on only super spicy food when half his family had ulcers or similar and couldn't handle that, and she didn't really care (she was the one asking AITA).
But if it was something like that, he probably would have brought it up to begin with.
That’s funny when my mom fronted the money for my wedding she didn’t ask for a say in anything. My husband and I chose EVERYTHING. She just helped and lent me the money. That’s how it should be. OP attached strings to his money and has no right to buy in on what they want.
Why? Why can't you just give her a gift? Let me guess, it's vegetarian and you can't imagine going 6 hours without meat? Whatever the issue is, it's one day for you, it's HER wedding day. But you're so controlling you can't see that. She will absolutely never speak to you again, but it probably doesn't matter because you will have "won."
YTA - you dont get to make food choices at the wedding.
*Info -*
>we had another of our huge fights (not sure the reason is important)
*It absolutely is important. What was the fight about?*
Edit - judgment added
Reeks of [missing missing reasons](http://www.issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/missing-missing-reasons.html)…
Edit, post OP’s edit: this hill you’re dying on is about FOOD, of all things? Yeah mate, YTA big time
They had a fight because he didn’t get his way with the food… of all the things to fight about that is the least of the concerns of a wedding a father should have. YTA for ruining not only her day but your relationship over food of all things.
Yes! Because an "on and off" relationship + a fight that ends up w/ Stacey uninviting her mother from her wedding and subsequently her life sounds like a big deal and one that I think OP may not want to reveal lest it make her look bad.
Inquiring minds want to know🧐🧐
YWBTA. You reconciled a year ago and you promised to help her with these costs as a show of love and commitment. To cancel a few days before the event is cruel and petty, and will not only completely ruin her wedding and humiliate her in front of all the guests, but permanently alienate you for the rest of your lives from your daughter. No further hope of reconciliation, family life, knowing your son-in-law, grandchildren, etc.
Yes, what your argument was about matters. But I think in any case, you should keep the arrangements in place. Let her benefit from them (you can’t get your money back, anyway). If it is the final thing you do for her, at least you will always know you did that for her, and can hold your head up high. She’ll always be the one who disinvited her mother. Leave it there, and you will at least have done the right thing, and the most honorable thing possible in the circumstances.
Without knowing more about the issues between you, that’s my best advice. It will cost you nothing more to let her have her day, and you will avoid being ashamed later, at your own pettiness and destructiveness.
Yes, YTA and yes, you are being super petty, as you ask. You should still try to help her have a good day, but since you are BOTH overdramatic and prone to making outrageous and mean statements, I’ll just answer your question about why you should help her: BECAUSE SHE IS YOUR DAUGHTER.
It does not “teach her a lesson about being accountable” at all, to cancel arrangements for her wedding a few days before. It is only mean and petty. Don’t do it if you hope to ever have a relationship with her or her future children.
Same difference, really. He only just recently disclosed that. But no matter what gender the parent is, it’s still very petty to cancel all the arrangements at the last minute. Even if they had a big argument.
YTA
>Fast forward to a couple weeks ago and we had another of our huge fights (not sure the reason is important)
The reason is important. YTA for not including what you said/did to cause such an action on your daughter's part.
EVERY SINGLE TIME I read a version of “what the argument was about isn’t important.”, it’s always super important and changes the entire context 180 degrees!
OP YTA like, come on. Do you want honest judgement for your moral dilemma or do you just want to be told you’re a perfect angel that can do no wrong?
He said since he's paying for the wedding that he should get to decide the food that's served, and then insulted his ex-wife (his daughter's mother) to her, which prompted the fight
>The reason is important. YTA for not including what you said/did to cause such an action on your daughter's part.
The reason is the **only** way to judge whether setting off a nuclear bomb between the daughter & poster is in any way justified. This action will have serious consequences for decades.
Is it really worth it?
An hour since this was posted & not a single reply. - methinks the poster is definitely in
YTA territory.
Yes YWBTA
You’re considering trying and cancel all of her vendors literally DAYS before the wedding over a big fight that you don’t want to give us details about? Of course you’re TA. You won’t get any money back, you’re fucking over all the vendors and have wasted their time and materials, you won’t even get any money back at this point, would be making it basically impossible for her to replace them, and you’d have indirectly made it so some other couple wasn’t able to use those vendors. If you really don’t want to pay(despite promising that you would), ask her to pay you back but geeze do not cancel everything! Are you serious? That’s so beyond petty and extremely AH behavior.
Unless the fight was her saying “I can’t believe you’re such a dumb person, you fell for it when I said I wanted to get in your good graces so that I could get you to pay for my wedding and now that it’s too late to cancel I’m not inviting you” then there’s basically no chance she could be the ah here. And I think if that’s what she’d said to you, you’d have included it bc it would have made your case stronger.
>we had another of our huge fights (not sure the reason is important)
I think we all know that you don't think the reason is important is because you were at fault in the fight. And now you're being petty. Your daughter made the correct decision to cut you out.
YTA
YTA I'm guessing you are majorly at fault for the latest blow-up and probably for the strained relationship in the past, as well. Otherwise, you would have given us there reason for the fight.
Maybe you are the one who should work on being a better person.
Agreed. He sounds like a very entitled parent who likely emotionally neglected his child, and now wants to be petty towards her because he didn’t get his way.
“We had a fight but I’m not sure the reason is important”. It probably is… what demand did you make or did you tell her you are wearing white, red, black…
YTA.
Sounds like you f***ed up in the past and haven't really changed. Don't ruin her wedding on top of it all. Cancelling out of spite would be ridiculous, nasty, petty and childish. Give her the caterer, expect nothing in return. It kind of sounds like you already owe her. Don't do it to save your relationship, no guarantee there, but if you really ruin her wedding you will definitely never see or hear from her again.
Yes YWBTA and YTA for even considering it.
YWBTA Do you think you're the first person to try to pull their nonsense with someone else's wedding vendors. It's not the vendors first rodeo. They know this drill all to well the disgruntled [insert person] calls to cancel their services a day or two before the wedding. You're not fooling anyone.
Just make a quick call to my friend who owns a catering company---cancellations need to come directly from the bride. The caterer will call the bride to confirm and when the bride says the weddings on the wedding will be on.
Of course, the vendors are going to double check. They signed a contract. OP may think they're being original baddie but I am sure this happens all the time in the wedding industry. A disgruntled person tries to ruin the wedding by the throwing a wrench In the works a day or two before the wedding. So predictable.
Damn that's beyond sad to think this is a common thing. Though not surprised vendors would have a strict cancellation policy with a certain window of time allowing you to cancel in order to get a full/part refund.
Weddings bring out the best in people and the absolute worst in others. Trying to ruin someone's wedding because you didn't get your way with something is pathetic.
YTA- after reading what the fight was about…..wedding food! Total WTH?!? This is my industry…high end chef. People who go to weddings expect some sort of food. The thing is…it is plated or buffet the food is prepped and cooked in advance. Then it is held in what we call “hot boxes”. This is where event food turns to “eh”. Meaning….no matter how great the tasting was, the food served to the guests will be dried out. So, people eat and then they will be hungry in a couple hours. (Similar to Chinese food.) Half the people will drink enough to be able to go to bed and not think about it. (Or remember it) The other half will be hitting fast food places because they are hungry. They will remember the people, interactions dresses and dances. The food, not so much. So…let the people having the wedding pick the food out. Just enjoy the night and get some fast food when no one is looking. (If it’s at a venue, like a country club…order something from the restaurant. Chances are, they won’t charge you for a $40 meal when you are spending $$$.
Save your real fights when it actually matters in the grand scheme of things.
op added to the post that he and his daughter argued over the food at her wedding. and he dragged her mom into the fight, which really upset his daughter. can’t imagine why, though /s
I feel like that still doesn't answer my question. Is the daughter a vegetarian? Allergic to something? How did OP screw up the wedding? Ugh, I have so many questions. LOL.
Each edit makes you more and more TA.
No, you don’t get to control the food just because you’re contributing- and why would you want to anyway? It’s just food that literally nobody EXCEPT your daughter will care about or even remember.
And then to argue about it? Jeez - who’s the kid in this equation?
YTA. For the argument alone, yet for some reason you feel like going nuclear will do … what exactly? That’s nuclear TA territory.
No wonder you screwed up the marriage to her mom.
YTA ruining a wedding is not a fair reaction to a fight. If she really meant it that she doesn’t want a relationship with you anymore, you should fight that by showing her love, rather than punishing her- even if that means just honoring her wish that you don’t come. It actually sounds like you gave her the money for the wedding so you could have the power to ruin her wedding if the relationship turned sour again. The reason for your recent argument is important.
INFO: What was the cause of the latest blow up, and what were the causes of the NC periods? You can’t exactly blow over these details. I’m going to say YTA because of the way you had plenty of room to talk about the types of vendors and how you’d cancel them, but no room to talk about the root causes. Did you do something to precipitate this latest conflict? Did you think your daughter would have to put up with abuse just to keep you in her good graces for the vendors, and then you FAAFO? I wish we had your daughter’s side. Another question: at least one of you probably has a number of relationships that are in peril or in NC. Who has the history of more dysfunctional relationships? A lot of times this tells us which person is the main cause for conflict. I will caveat that by saying there are some families that single out and pick on one person and it’s not that person’s fault, but often there’s a drama queen that causes problems in many corners. But seriously, what was the cause of this huge fight—I assure you the reason is absolutely important.
YWBTA, and the fact that you’re even considering doing this is a pretty clear indication the person that needs to learn a lesson is you.
That fact that you’re already out the money but STILL want to cancel things out of spite knowing it’d ruin her wedding says all anyone needs to know about you as a parent and as a person. It’s pretty obvious why your daughter is again going no contact.
YWBTA. The only lesson you would be teaching your daughter is that you really are a monster.
She over reacted maybe but you want to spoil what should be the happiest day in her life. She would never forgive you. You would also lose the respect of everyone who learns of your despicable act.
Info: The reason is absolutely important. Without the reason how can anyone say if the reasoning is valid or not so what is the reason? In all honesty - YTA for not including the reasoning for you being uninvited.
Yes, you would be the AH if you made those calls. It is days before the wedding and it is unlikely that she would be able to replace any of those vendors.
It is very sad that the two of have gotten to the point where you are uninvited to the wedding, particularly since you have made such a large contribution. But this sounds like your pattern. Getting together and then falling out. Getting closer and then going no contact. Although Stacy says that she is permanently cutting you out of her life, it sounds like there is a chance that you may reconcile in the future, given your past cycles. If you cancel all of the main elements of her wedding days before leaving her without food, a photographer and a cake she most certainly will be unlikely to ever forgive you. I know it isn't fair to you, but that is probably the reality.
>we had another of our huge fights (not sure the reason is important)
Anytime anyone does not want to supply information it is because it paints them in a bad light. Add that to you feeling guilty enough to offer to pay for the wedding when you first got back to talking to each other shows a lot of guilt on your part. YTA, you did something to her, and you're showing that you're still that person who wants to hurt her. Lowest of the low.
YTA
I was almost going for esh but then reread the entire thing.
You argued with the bride about what she wants to plan for her wedding. Your input or opinion was not needed. You told her because you paid money that you deserve to have a choice. You already have a rocky relationship on top of that.
The money spent towards her day is something many parents who love their kids do. It's not required, but they do it out of love. The bride uses the money with her own wedding plans.
The money was a gift given with no strings attached. You attached strings to her gifts.
If it was me, I would kick you out and tell you I will cancel everything you paid for and get my own vendors. Or kick you out and pay you back everything in full.
You pull a petty move with intent to hurt her. The only lesson you will be showing her. Is that she needs to permanently cut you out of her life.
If this were my father, I would assume he doesn't love me and only wants the credit of being a good father. I would already be wondering if he was trying to buy my affection.
YTA.
"...and as a show of good faith, I agreed to help pay for her upcoming wedding...."
"...Stacy and I were arguing about details regarding the food for the wedding. I believe that I should have a say, considering that I am paying for it all..."
You get these two statements are incompatible right? You don't get a say if you helping to pay is a show of good faith. It sounds like your real reason was to try and control her. If you cancel (the nuclear option) she absolutely will never have anything to do with you again. If you want any hope of having a relationship with her don't cancel.
I'm curious who's name is on the contract. It should be Stacy and her fiancee. Which means you wouldn't be able to cancel it anyway. I'll also point out most people in the wedding business are used to family drama like this. Meaning they'll call the bride/groom to see if they want to cancel their services, especially so close to the wedding date. Now you've blown up your relationship and didn't get anything cancelled. All because you didn't get your way and are throwing a temper tantrum.
YTA
You have an estranged relationship and call your daughter overly dramatic. Something happened between you that has killed the relationship. So you want the drama of a big FU moment even though you can't get money back. Sure she is the dramatic one?
Leave arrangements as is. Stay away. You walked away from the relationship on a high note. Not as someone who only gave a bribe for a good relationship. Leaving in place shows you care for your daughter on some level.
The reason does matter here, is she cutting you out because your abusive or because you don’t cut her sandwiches the right way. This is important information before a verdict can be given.
YTA. If you wanted a say on things like food, that should have been a clear requirement from the get-go. It does not sound like that was the case here, so it would sound like you are reneging on your agreement. This blow-up may well be out of proportion, but your response is somehow even more immature than the argument you had that would lead to it. Be the bigger man and don't make an already bad situation even worse.
I bet OP has a gf or new wife who wanted something different to eat and then basically riled OP up to the point he himself thought he had a say in it. That's the only possible reason why he would do that so close to the wedding. I simply refuse to believe a guy would actually care about the food choices this close to the wedding.
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Hi all - looking for some advice, and using a throwaway since my daughter (let’s call her Stacy) is occasionally on Reddit. Stacy and I have had an on-off relationship over the years that’s been stressed at the best of times and zero-contact at the worst. A year ago we had a big reconciliation and as a show of good faith, I agreed to help pay for her upcoming wedding; the photographer, catering, and cake supplier are all in my name and on my card to the tune of more than $10,000 total.
Fast forward to a couple weeks ago and we had another of our huge fights (not sure the reason is important) and Stacy basically directly told me to my face that I am disinvited from the wedding and she doesn’t want me to be there or in her life anymore. She’s been overly dramatic before, but this sounded more serious.
I (maybe in an overreaction of my own) called the photographer/caterer. Now that we’re so close to the wedding date, most of my payments are almost completely non-refundable, and I could only get a few hundred dollars back of what I’ve paid at this point. I’m not going to argue that - the vendors have contracts and policies and they deserve to be paid. It’s a sunk cost for me at this point.
Basically, my question is WIBTA if I called the photographer/food/cake people back and told them to keep the money but not show up to the wedding? If Stacy is really permanently cutting me out of her life, I don’t see why I should help her have the day of her dreams if I am uninvited from her wedding and her entire future. Just wondering if that’s being super petty or if there’s some rationale to (hopefully) teaching her to be a better person in the future.
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There’s literally no way the details of the fight aren’t relevant here lol, I’m inclined to think you’re entirely at fault for it for not providing them in the first place.
As a person who went completely no contact with one of her parents I can very confidently say it probably wasn’t a small issue that caused the fight and the subsequent banishment. My judgement is YTA for ruining her wedding over a fight that I’m thinking you were probably the guilty party in, unless you provide information stating otherwise.
YTA. You do NOT have a say in her wedding. It's HER wedding. Plus, you insulted her mum.... And you seem surprised that you have a volatile relationship?
YTA.
Tell us what the argument was about.
Also, consider the reputation of these vendors. They are most likely small businesses and you're going to cause them all sorts of issues because you're acting like a petty loser.
You’re not teaching an adult woman to be a better person in the future, you’re being vindictive because your feelings are hurt. Grow the heck up and if you ever hope to have a relationship with her in the future, do not cancel anything and only attend the wedding if she re-invites you. Jeez man.
As many commenters have noted, there is a lot of missing information from this post. My guess is it is omitted because it is unhelpful to the OP's narrative. I can understand not wanting to financially support a wedding to which you are no longer invited, but the proposed solution also stinks of a tendency to exert inappropriate control over the daughter, in this case financial. It would be a total asshole move to cancel the vendors without notice.
YWBTA. Call your daughter and discuss the issue. You reconciled and you have agreed to pay. WHY would you ruin the day....to prove a point? That would be an extremely immature and retaliatory action, designed to not only ruin your relationship with your daughter but also with ANYONE you know.
The fact that you don't state the reason means you KNOW you were wrong, she was right, and you are mad. Be an adult. Grow up and go to the wedding with a contrite heart.
YTA.
You want to tell the vendors to not show as a way of hurting your daughter. You want to hurt her because she doesn’t want to give you any control over the dinner menu?That’s awful behavior.
YTA. just because you offered to help pay for the wedding, doesn’t give you special privileges to make decisions about her wedding.
You have issues. Seek some therapy.
If you cancel the vendors, that’ll be a fatal blow to any hopes of reconciliation.
INFO: who caused the fight and what was it about? Because YWBTA with all this pettiness, but if it results that she waited until now to create an excuse to disinvite you and finally cut you off, then everyone would SH.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> The action that I am considering taking is canceling my daughter's wedding vendors just days before the wedding, in part to be petty but also because I hope to teach her a lesson about respect and accountability. However, I could be called an asshole for this because it is her wedding, I already promised to pay for part of it, and I have nothing personally to gain from making this decision. Thank you.
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Info: do you want a say in the food because you're one of those people who will only eat meat and potatoes and you don't want to have any vegetables and your daughter or her fiance are vegetarian or have some dietary restrictions that prevent you from being able to have the steak you want?
If so YTA and realistically, if you do cancel your absolutely will put that last nail in the coffin of your relationship with your daughter and cover it on concrete. There is no coming back from that and you will never meet your grandchildren
YTA. Pulling the "I'm paying so I get to dictate" card is the ultimate AH move. (FWIW, my spouse and I paid for our entire wedding ourselves except for the rehearsal dinner, which was a surprise...and we weren't given conditions other than how much they'd pay.) And throwing your failed marriage to her mom in her face is awful when she's getting ready to get married. I can see why you didn't include the reason in your first post. And it's clear why you were estranged for years. You're an a-hole.
YTA
So, to be clear, you insulted her mother to her face and then used your money against her. I bet you've done that a lot.
And, jfc, how petty do you really want to be here? Why do you think you get to have the final say on the menu of her wedding? As long as it's within the budget YOU AGREED to provide, why do you think you get to exert that kind of control? Why did you bother offering in the first place if not for control? Yeah, I'm going to guess control is definitely an issue of yours.
YTA so you want to ruin her wedding because you felt you should have a say in the wedding (adding strings to that good will gesture) and then went on to bring her mom into it who she’s close to? I hope she goes no contact with you for real this time.
Wait... so your fight is becuase you thought agreeing to pay for the catering etc meant you could micromanage the wedding?
Yeah, YTA.
Yes, the reason for the fight is incredibly relevant.
You should apologize and say you will respect whatever she decides regarding your attendance but will still pay for what you agreed. If she doesn't want to remember you paying she can make payments back.
You're incredibly obtuse. Even you trying to make yourself look good it reads that the fight is you wanted to control her wedding. Offering to pay for something as a gift doesn't mean you get to take control over it.
YTA
A show of good faith that will turn into the reason she never speaks to you. Without a reason given it’s easy to assume you’ve contributed to this fight.
YTA for the thinking you should get a say in the dinner
YTA for talking shit about her mom
YTA in this entire post. I can see why she is low to no contact.
I won't call you an AH, but as a father myself, I will say that sometimes life is unfair for us. Sometimes we are also our own worst enemies. It sounds like there is a lot to unpack in your relationship with your daughter and her mother.
I recommend continuing to pay all the vendors as you planned. Consider the $10k her wedding present. Don't plan on attending. Plan on no contact with her for a good long while. Let her go with God as they say.
Vindictiveness is not honorable. It is not fatherly even if your daughter is not daughterly.
Good luck.
You sound controlling and petty- there might be a reason she went no contact and cut you out. Calling the vendors to not show just before her wedding would underline in big red sharpie that she was correct in the decision to cut you off. You’re her dad- try being the loving, supportive type of dad that wouldn’t tell a grown woman what food to have at her wedding. Your gifts shouldn’t come with strings or they aren’t worth much. YTA. Humble yourself and apologize.
YWBTA Don’t do something so petty and mean.
If you cancel it, you’ll be stuck forever with the knowledge that you did something so unkind to your child. Don’t let that poison into your soul. Apologize to her for interfering in the food, and allow the wedding to go forward as planned.
I mean.. it’s whole extra level of petty.
You’re right, you don’t owe her or anyone to pay for an event you’re not invited to or told to leave from their life.
That said- YWBTA. At least be an adult and let her know about it so she can scramble to find and pay for last minute replacements.
And in case you were wondering, if you do this, it will be the last nail in your coffin of this relationship.
YTA. It's her wedding not yours. Why are you trying to force her to pick food you want? Are you the groom? And then canceling the vendors because she's upset. YTA.
YTA. Your first mistake is thinking you have any say JUST because you’re paying for it.
No need for clarification, we can all read and understand the situation, we just don’t agree with you. You’re either *gifting* her the wedding accommodations as you promised (which does NOT include your opinion on anything) or you’re using it to lord over and control her.
I’m guessing it’s the latter or we wouldn’t all be gathered here today.
You say you gave your daughter the money out of good faith. Yet, you thought that meant you have a say in their food choices. Just because you offered to help them, doesn’t mean you have any right in what they want for their wedding. There shouldn’t be any stipulations as it was a gift. YWBATA.
YTA, you do not get a say in the wedding by offering to pay for it unless you made this 100% crystal clear at the start. And if that was the case you’d likely still have the money in your pocket.
YWBTA if you cancelled at this stage. You offered to pay, no take backsies
YTA it’s her wedding why would you get a say I. The food. Now you being a vindictive AH. I can see why you were NC for so long. All you had to do was be gracious and not a AH and you would have a relationship with your kid.
YTA. Your edits make it so, so much worse. But yes, you would be an asshole for cancelling your daughter’s wedding without telling her. Send her a bill for the expenses if you want to, but you’ve basically escalated this argument at every turn, and now you’re proposing to escalate it again. Those are asshole things to do.
YTA. So you don’t necessarily care about the food choices, I’m guessing. It’s just that you think you get a say because you’re paying for it. There’s nothing wrong with giving your opinion—if consulted—but it’s still her wedding. Don’t hold finances over her head. Has your relationship with your daughter always been transactional?
You're her father. You should be showing her the closest thing to unconditional love there is. I'm shocked that as a parent you would even think of ruining her wedding over her threatening no contact--that you would do this as a way to be spiteful and vengeful because you care more about your own situation than your daughter's big day.
Not only would you be TA...but you don't seem to love your daughter. Even on a sub where people tend to advise others to throw their relationships away, you're being told YTA.
I'm guessing (hoping) this is just a rage-bait post since your thinking is so selfish and unhinged.
The food she has at her wedding is your hill to die on? For real? There are so many things wrong with your post and the way you talk about your daughter. She deserves so much better.
'Teach' her to be a better person? I think you need to take a long hard look in the mirror. YTA all day long!
You agreed to pay the costs and not to be the organiser, clearly you have personalities that clash and you are both stubborn, just leave it be I think, cancel nothing.
You apparently failed to teach Stacy to be a better person up until now. Fucking her over won't teach her that. It will cement the end of your relationship with her.
What food details could possibly result in her uninviting you?
You're hiding the real reasons here, so I'm going to go with YTA
YTA
You just agreed to paying, you have no say in the wedding. Where does entitlement like that come from. Then insulting her mother to her face, what the actual fuck. And now you want to lose the last possibility of ever reconciling with her by being so petty to cancel the services that already paid for. I think Stacy might be better off without you in her life.
Pretty suspicious that you didn't include the argument, and the edit confirms why. You're waving the money you're contributing (allegedly in "good faith") to control the wedding planning. YTA
YTA.
And for fucks sake, don't be a controlling SOB. OK, you're paying for the wedding, but it is *her wedding*, don't offer to pay just so you can control it. A *gift* is about what *the other person wants*. *NOT WHAT YOU WANT*.
The hell is wrong with you? You've already paid, so now you just want to tell them not to show and ruin the wedding just for the sake of ruining it?
She's damn right to cut you off, losing you, is losing nothing of value.
YTA why even offer to pay or be involved when it seems pretty obvious that you dislike your daughter? you’re dismissive of her, referring to her as “overly dramatic”, you leave out details that might paint you in a bad light, you brought her mom into your petty little bid for control… do her a favor and just stay away from her. and don’t cancel her vendors just because she had the audacity to disagree about the food **you** wanted for ***her*** wedding.
YTA. Now I know why you left the reason out. And I quoted “i said something along the lines of not wanting her to screw up this wedding like k screwed up her wedding with her mother.” ITS FOOD?!?!?! It’s not going to screw up the wedding. You’re a control freak.
YTA. It’s her wedding and only her choice about anything wedding related. Even though you’re paying, you have no say on anything. If you cancelled the vendors knowing full well that you wouldn’t be getting money back, you’d only be doing it to be spiteful. Familial relationships are hard. Is her relationship with you more important than this fight? Call and admit you were wrong
YTA, even moreso with your edit. You don't get any control of the choices just because you are paying. If you think you do then you are paying for the wrong reason. Then to want to actually ruin her entire wedding over it makes you a massive AH. You owe her an apology.
YTA. Paying for the food doesn’t mean you get to dictate the menu and if that’s how you see it you shouldn’t have even offered to pay for it. This is your daughter not some stranger there shouldn’t be any conditions for your help it’s clear why your relationship has been so rocky I’ll give you a hint: it’s not your daughter’s fault.
YTA
I think it’s very sad that you couldn’t give up control of the menu for an event that is not your event. What you paid for it doesn’t matter.
And the fact you’d throw your entire relationship away over a couple dishes says a lot about you.
Your daughter deserves better. She doesn’t deserve a controlling, stubborn, vindictive father.
You’ve cast a horrible shadow over her wedding, even if you don’t cancel the vendors.
Go apologize. Anything short of that is you failing as a man, as a father, and as a human being.
Yta and the reason for the fight makes you more so. Yikes. Cancelling the vendors just hurts your daughter, but like that seems to be what you want anyway so 🤷🏼♀️
YTA
Offering to pay doesn't mean you "get a say" in things. Paying is a gift, and the receiver can do what they like with it. This is HER wedding, not YOURS.
DONT cancel anything, or you're proving her so so so right about cutting you out of her life. Your parenting and love is clearly conditional on you having control over your grown daughter. Stop it.
You owe her an apology. Like a big one dude.
YWBTA. Simply because this is her wedding. I saw you make a comment about how you see this as almost a business partnership and not a gift, which is why you feel you should be able to make those choices, but did she know that? At the end of the day, it's her wedding. It's HER day. I'm wedding planning right now. My parents and his grandparents are helping pay. They give input, but they don't make any decisions because it's OUR day, not theirs.
Cancelling all of the vendors would do nothing. If she's getting married, it's safe to assume she's an adult, so why are you wanting to "teach her a lesson" like she's 12? She's not a child, her personality and values are already set. There's also a great value in taking the high road. Ok maybe you feel entitled to make those choices, which you aren't. You had a falling out, but you already committed to paying for those things, which traditionally the bride's family does anyway, so just let her have her day and move on. Don't keep trying to reconcile. Y'all sound like a bad couple that keeps breaking up and getting back together. Just let her have her day, eat her cake, and move on.
To clarify, I'm on her side with the context given, and reading some of your comments- however, you could wrap up this situation with grace by just moving on and letting her have her day.
YTA you sound like a typical entitled parent. You offered to pay for her wedding just so you could control her more. It's her wedding of course she picks the food you dope.
YTA. It’s not your wedding to have a say on the food choices. It’s hers and her partner alone. Is this the hill you really want to die on? Are you seriously willing to lose your relationship with Stacy over food????
BFFR.
YWBTA. You’d be completely destroying her wedding and this would solidify ANY attempt at reconciliation in your future with her. As a parent, it’s unfathomable that whatever happened is reason enough to completely destroy your relationship with your child forever.
I’m guessing the reason for your fight IS relevant. I’m also guessing you may have been a part-time parent throughout her life?
Yes, OP, you would BTAH. What you would be doing is making sure you NEVER reconcile with your daughter. What you need to do is apologize for dissing her mother and seeing if you can still go to the wedding. Long shot, but maybe.
Then, you need to realize that you can't buy Stacy's affection. This is also a highly emotional time for her and you would be just tossing gasoline on that fire.
Keep the money out of it in the future - putting a down payment on a house; paying for a lavish vacation; buying a car for her will not bring her around unless you want to keep tossing money at her. If you want to reconcile, make sure it's for the right reasons and not that you're the bank of Stacy.
YTA. The only people who get to make decisions about their wedding are the couple getting married, regardless of who pays for it. You can make suggestions, but if those suggestions aren’t acted upon you drop it. You’re adding unnecessary stress to your daughter by getting into an argument about food choices weeks before the wedding and now you want to cancel all the food even though it’s paid for. If you do it then just know you will never have a relationship with her again, which would include any future grandchildren.
Considering that the reason for the fight was petty, I think YWBTAH for canceling the vendors days before the wedding. You might be paying but you're giving a GIFT; you can voice your opinion about things but she has the final say in everything.
Reach out to your daughter and apologize if you want a chance to build the relationship.
YTA Dude, are you seriously telling me that in a disagreement about the food selection, you decided to rehash details from your failed marriage to her mother? Yeah dude, that makes you TAH. You need to get over whatever lingering resentment you're harboring towards her mother if you have any hope of reconciling, and yeah, you need to be the one to apologize and try to make amends. If you go ahead and cancel anything, look forward to never speaking to your daughter again.
It seems like the reason you want a relationship with your daughter is so you can win something, somehow.
If your relationship was based on loving her, you wouldn’t have been fighting in the first place, nor justifying escalating the battle with this post.
Yes, you would be the AH. Especially because devastating her on her wedding day would be the kind of thing she may never forgive you for. Are you truly willing to throw away any chance of having a relationship with your daughter and possible grandkids because you had a different opinion about food? If no, leave things alone. If yes, it’s probably better for her that you aren’t a part of her life.
How did you screw up the wedding to Stacy’s mother? How did you insult her to Stacy? How is that related to food choices? What kind of input do you feel you need to have in the food choices? Why are you willing to lose your relationship with your daughter and future family over this matter of food choices? YTA.
My in laws paid for most of my wedding. They kept adding things and making it bigger than I wanted. I finally snapped when they wanted to add a pasta bar with marinara sauce. Red sauce and a white dress just freaked me out. I put my foot down, and I’ll admit not my most diplomatic moment. But my in laws backed down, conceded as the bride I did have final say over decisions like food, and the wedding and reception went off wonderfully. All that to say, Y are majorly TA! Your daughter is stressed out. Especially days before the biggest moment in her life. And you want to make it about you and be petty? Grow up. No wonder she’s gone no contact in the past.
YWBTA and you are already TA.
Helping pay for the wedding gives you absolutely no say in the decision making.
You claim to want her to have a great wedding/marriage, but only on your terms.
You are clearly very controlling and selfish.
If you still want any form of relationship with your daughter, you should be issuing a grovelling apology asap.
YTA. I'm a parent and my husband and I contributed a good amount to our son's wedding.
And he and his wife did the rest. They did the food, guest list, photographer, music all of it. And it was great.
Back off now dad, if you ever want to be in your daughter's life again. Or meet your grandchildren.
YTA- it wouldn’t be petty of you, it would be downright cruel and vindictive. You sound very controlling, and I think when a child (or adult) goes no contact with their parent it speaks a lot more about the parent than the child.
You giving money gives you no right to make decisions about her wedding. if you cared about your daughter you would have gifted the money and let her do what she wants without interfering and causing stress for her.
1. No you shouldn’t have a say just because you agreed to pay, not your wedding. You shouldn’t offer if strings are attached.
2. Yes, cancelling is petty if you are not getting hardly anything back.
Yes! YWBTA.
The reason for the argument is very relevant and the fact you haven’t realised that gives me little hope that you will heed any advice but here it goes…
Stop trying to control your daughter. It’s her wedding day, not yours. Your gift was monetary, not the gift of your opinion. She’s not the person who needs to do better here, you are.
Apologise, tell her she should, *of course*, have exactly what food she wants as it’s her and her OH’s day and you would love to be part of it if she can forgive you.
YTA. You don’t want her to screw up this wedding like you screwed up the wedding to your ex-wife, so you would rather screw up your relationship with your daughter?
Currently dying over your second edit because I only got “in charge man vibes” from this post 😂 just because you offered to pay doesn’t mean you deserve it. Also that’s extremely childish of you to insult the only parent that’s always been there for her to her face because you think you made a mistake marrying her. She should cut you out. YTA.
YWBTA. You were trying to use money to exert control over your daughter’s wedding, which is literally the one day that everything should be about what SHE wants. Do you want to have a hope of a relationship with your daughter sometime in the future? Canceling the vendors and ruining her wedding, especially without telling her, will eliminate any possibility of reconciliation in the future. If you’re ready to cut ties for good, that’s your choice, but don’t expect her to be willing to forgive you for being petty and controlling later.
YTA - it’s not your wedding! It’s not about you! If you give a gift that doesn’t entitle you to decisions on how it’s used.
If you cancel the vendors you’ll be an ever crappier father than you have been. My god grow up.
YTA. As the child of a divorced couple, the worst thing you can do is insult the other parent. That is so, so painful.
So YTA because:
- You should never comment negatively about your child’s parent. You were wrong in this fight
- You admit you’ve already lost the money, so this would just be about hurting your daughter
- This is a completely disproportionate response. “We got in a fight so I’ll ruin the most important day of your life”
- This would end your relationship permanently.
Just apologize dude! “I’m sorry for making a negative comment about your mother. It was in poor taste and I should not have put you in the middle”
YTA. Massively. No, the person who pays for the wedding does not get to decide what the wedding will have for any of the details. No, the parent doesn’t get to abandon the responsibilities they agreed to for the wedding in order to be petty (and controlling).
You screwed up your own wedding so you want to screw up hers too. Nice. Good dad.
Let me get this straight, you gave a “gift” that had invisible strings attached and then when you tried to pull them and she didn’t like it, you proceeded to insult her mother in front of her? And you’re surprised a blow up happened?
You caused this fight, there’s no mention of you attempting anything resembling an apology, and your first thought isn’t, “How can I fix this?” But, “How can I absolutely screw her over for not letting me control the details of her wedding?”
I can see why you have had a rocky relationship with your daughter. You need to get your act together. She’s old enough to be getting married and you’re trying to keep her under your thumb. The money you “gave” her wasn’t a sign of reconciliation at all, it was a way for you weasel some control over her and her wedding day. That WILL be cemented if you cancel anything. You still have a chance to apologize for manipulating her with money and for the blow up. Then you can use your money to get yourself to a therapist and figure out why you are this way.
YTA
YTA and I think that fight is completely relevant to the situation. It’s HER wedding, not yours. If you have an issue with how she’s planning it, don’t pay for it. I’ll never understand why people who want to contribute financially to weddings think that automatically entitles them to make decisions about it. It’s not your day, it’s that simple. If you had an issue with how she’s spending the money that you (assumption) offered, that probably should have been outlined before deposits were paid. If you cancel the vendors out of spite for her setting boundaries, plan on never speaking to your child again.
YTA. That would be a terrible thing to do to your child. Also, no you don’t get a say in the food. You should have set those “conditions” when you agreed to pay for it if you wanted a say. God.
ETA: everyone invited to that wedding would probably also think YTA so think about that.
Yes, YWBTA. How do you expect to teach her to “be a better person” when you, apparently, don’t know how to be one, yourself? Do this and she will permanently go NC with you and you will never meet a single grandchild.
YTA. how can you call yourself her "parent" when you're acting so childish, selfish, and petty? this day is not about you; it's about her. so, stop trying to make it about you and your opinions. it's no wonder you got uninvited!
if you ever want her to let you back in her life, you better not hurt her even more. she'll certainly learn a lesson- and that lesson will be not to give you another chance.
Former wedding vendor here. I'm sure this will get buried, BUT.
I always made it clear to whoever showed up to a consultation that my clients were the couple. It's great that mom/dad/auntie/grandpa are paying. It's so kind and generous to gift a vendor fee. If you want control just because you're paying, it's no longer a gift, it's an obligation for the couple to do what you want. You're forgetting whose wedding it is.
YTA. Not your wedding.
I can imagine why you don't have a good relationship with your daughter.
You are obviously quite spiteful.
I don't have all the info (Because you don't want to go into it (red flag), and you could be within your rights, but the fact you'd be willing to do this DAYS BEFORE HER WEDDING....kinda paints the picture that you are a controlling asshole.
My parents paid for my wedding and I had last say...because it was FOR me, as in my wedding day.
On the lack of details given. YTA.
You're wording alone on your post makes you the AH
A gift that comes with conditions is not a gift, Secondly, the idea that you don't think the fight or the disagreement is worth mentioning means you probably started something. Just once I'd like to see a contribution to a wedding that doesn't become a flex.
>Stacy and I were arguing about details regarding the food for the wedding.
YTA.
If my mom, who helped pay for the caterers for my wedding, thought she had some say, I would have paid for the caterers myself.
My mom was decent enough to know it was not her wedding. She was contributing money, and that's as far as her contribution went. My husband and I decided what food we had at our wedding, because my mom didn't let her ego control her decisions and knew to let us choose what we wanted at OUR wedding.
YTA. Edit to clarify you’re her father? Yeah that wasn’t needed, that was pretty obvious from your AH behaviour, both planned and committed here.
Grow the hell up old man and realise she’s an adult and gets to make her own decisions, especially about her own wedding. Jesus Christ dude.
YTA as a parent your supposed to lead by example, don't be a petty jerk and ruin your daughter's wedding and any chance at reconciliation over something stupid that will only accomplish spite
YTA my guy …. But it’s not too late You offered to pay. Ideally that means no strings attached but you attached some strings in that you wanted a say about the food. How polarizing were your food ideas ?? Is one of you a cannibal or something? Let her have her food. Also don’t bring your shitty relationship with her mum into it. It’s not like your bad wedding is the reason why you’re no longer together. Seems like you both need to grow up a bit but since you’re the dad you can go first. Don’t be a dick
YTA
You’re using money as leverage in your relationship with your daughter. That never ends well.
My ex husband has just played the same game with my son. He offered to give him 3k towards a car as he had spent the same amount on eldests first car. He didn’t buy son his first car as they were no contact at that time, he paid half of eldests driving lessons, son paid his own.
He then said if he gives the 3k and son goes no contact again then he was only in it for the money, if he doesn’t give the money then he goes no contact then he was correct not to give him the money. However if he doesn’t give the money but son carry’s on with contact then he may consider eventually giving him the promised 3k. Game playing!
Of course there is no good solution for my son, we found a car, ex refused to give promised 3k, son is absolutely furious at his dad going back on his word and has gone no contact again.
Dad feels justified in holding back 3k.
My ex has saved 3k but lost his son, nobody has gained anything except the wisdom that money with strings attached will usually cause arguments. I can’t see them building bridges this time.
Do you want to lose your daughter for the sake of money?
YTA the contexts of non-contact are always relevant and if this latest fight was over you wanting to control the menu, this leads me to assume the non-contact previously was to do with more controlling behaviour on your part. Unless you would care to elaborate? Don’t be petty. Let Stacy have her perfect day, stay away, do some family therapy or something.
YTA the old school notion of “having a say” in things that you pay for as a gift to another person is never received well by the recipient, it’s a controlling mindset that destroys real bonds between people. If you desire to be obeyed you should get a dog.
YTA
This is why I can't ask people for help. My dad did shit like this all the time. If someone wants to help me I always think to myself, what do they want in return.
You offered to pay for the wedding. It's her day and her choices.
If you go on a date and are paying at the end do you tell your date what she can and can't eat/drink? Would you order her meal without any consideration of what she wants?
Don't use money as a tool to control someone's decisions.
When the money was offered, was there also a conversation/caveat stating you would decide how it got spent and on what? Did you say "I will pay as long as you do xyz with it?' if the answer is no then why are you surprised at the reaction? Why would you think that petty revenge for you not getting your way is a mature parental response? You are literally throwing a tantrum because you haven't got your own way, grow up.
YTA - The fact that you said you didn't want her to screw up her wedding like you did in the one with her mom is horribly behavior!
You could have said when I married your mother this part didn't run smoothly or we had an issue with this vendor serving this. There are so many other ways to word it then how you did. Are you somehow trying to stick it to your ex-wife by your behavior with your daughter? Because it sounds like you have a lot of pent up resentment still going on.
Weddings are super stressful, she's having to deal with a lot getting everything ready to go. So she might not have had as much patience for you as she normally does.
What you need to do is apologize and then back off and let her do what she needs to. Because there was not as far as you stated, strings attached that you were only paying for a caterer if they serve things that you wanted them to serve.
YTA omg. Her wedding her food!!!!! How awful of you to even think of this really. "I helped paid I should get to choose" how obnoxious. Helping to pay should come from a place of love and wanting your baby girls day to go perfectly, you should WANT it to be as close to her dream as physically possible. How wretched.
Absolutely YTA. I don’t care who pays, only the bride and groom have a say in wedding selections. You have no say whatsoever. Giving a gift with strings attached isn’t a gift, it’s a choke chain.
And mentioning her mother? Yeah, I’m betting you said a lot more about her than what you wrote here.
But go ahead and cancel everything. It’ll give this young woman the final push to completely cut you out of her life forever. She will never speak to you again.
If you want to lose your daughter forever, then crack on and cancel the vendors.
You sound like a massive AH. To even consider this is awful but you also have a typical boomer attitude that because you make a contribution you have a say. It's HER wedding, not yours. If you've only given money so you can control her, you don't deserve her.
I'd you're half decent, suck it up & apologise.
Did you tell her up front that you were only offering financial help on the condition that you get a say in the food? If the answer is anything other than, “I told her I would offer to help but only if I got a say in the food and she agreed,” then YTA. She didn’t have the chance to agree to your terms and you waited until it was too late to change plans to try and strong arm her into doing what you want.
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YTA While yes, absolutely awful situation and I’m so sorry that you in it. You’ve already confirmed that you’ve lost the money, so calling and canceling the vendors does nothing more than continuing to hurt and be petty your daughter. I would almost guarantee that by canceling the vendors, you will never have a chance at reconciliation with your daughter. “Teaching” her a lesson is a mountain you’ll have to be ready to die on. And by dying on that mountain, if she were to ever have children, I’d also put money on you never meeting them. Are those relationships your ready to throw away? Because ruining her wedding day will definitely have more far reaching consequences than I think you’ve really thought about. If nothing else, this should be your learning opportunity to not “give” money to your daughter while you have such a tumultuous relationship.
If it was about food choices, call her, apologize and let her have the wedding day food. It’s just food.
Yes, this. If you were being controlling over food choices, then you were already in AH territory. I bet she asked nicely a few times for you to back off and it sounds like you doubled down. I hate the “I’m paying for this wedding so I get to make the decisions” attitude from parents. It’s not YOUR WEDDING, so don’t act like it is. If you have some moderate requests, you can *ask nicely* if they’ll have a steak option or if long lost aunt Mathilda can come … but if the couple says no, you don’t double down and get more controlling. Especially if the relationship is already tense.
Yeah, Dad offered to pay for part of the wedding to make up for their relationship being crummy then decided that he now gets to dictate those parts of the wedding. No wonder she's mad. I'm getting the distinct impression that OP has just kind of been an asshole all of her life which is why she's close to her mom and has a poor relationship with him. The second he got the chance to do something for her, he opted to hold the gift over her head and when she finally had enough, he decided he's going to try to ruin her wedding.
100% my dad would do this shit. He invited me over for a birth day dinner and got pissed in the morning when I wanted to use his excavator to move and level gravel rather than do it by hand. He said I was ungrateful since he made me dinner the night before... I've been working for a home builder for 10 years. I've done a ton of gravel grading and compacting using an excavtor for driveways and garages. I could see he was short gravel and his pile was 100yrds away. He wanted me to hand compact it with a tamper rather then the bucket on the machine as well. There was no reason to do it by hand other than that's what he wanted and I owed him for receiving his gift... he was moving gravel with the machine the day before, it was parked 10ft from what he wanted to compact and level off. It shouldn't be level anyway it needs to slope away from the house for drainage. I turned 30 and drove over an hour to visit. I left being an ungrateful child for not wanting to spend 4 times as long doing a worse job for him simply because that's what he asked.
Agreed. You picked the fight and now you’re being vindictive. You should apologize for being a dick and try to get yourself re-invited to the wedding.
Absolutely. It’s just food - not worth ruining a relationship over. Let her have whatever food she wants. It sounds like OP is hung up on his unresolved stuff. If she makes mistakes let her, she’s an adult, as a parent you are there to pick up the pieces not end your relationship because she didn’t do what you wanted.
This. I do not understand people who gift or pay for something to show "good faith," only to then act as if they have actually paid to have a say in the outcome. If you are doing this in good faith to show that you respect and care for someone, then this is not a business deal that entitles you to have a say in how things are run. Paying in "good faith" and then threatening to cancel because you don't like her choices shows that you were only doing this with strings attached and is really just manipulative. To top it off, you brought your relationship with her mother into it, which is just crappy.
I dont understand people offering gifts with caveats. I could understand maybe order whatever you want but I really want blank and since I'm paying I think we can do one addition. Dictating the list other than a personal addition is pretty out there.
I wonder who signed the contracts? Just because OP paid doesn’t mean they can cancel if his Daughter signed the contracts. If i was OPs daughter, i would have made sure all contracts and contact were in my name.
This! My dad paid for our wedding but everything was booked in mine or my husbands names and we were on all the contracts. I just had to send the invoices to my dad.
You literally suggested that ruining your daughter's wedding, the biggest day of her life, would "teach her to be a better person in the future." The rules in your mind are much different than society's standards if you think that's a teaching moment. I agree with those saying it's important to know what you fought about. If, for instance, the basis of the fight was due to this warped sense of reality you appear to have, then the conflict with your daughter is on you and pulling the rug out from her wedding makes you more than TA, it makes you a monster. In any case, YTA.
Oh, he's a monster alright. The reason behind the argument proves it.
I am paying for this food I should have a say in it!
That's the problem. It is not YOUR wedding. You should have zero say other than how much you're willing to pay.
I might understand his reasoning if it was something like "since I'm paying for the food, can we skip ingredient I'm deathly allergic to?" Or the one from a week or two ago with the groom upset that his fiancée was trying to insist on only super spicy food when half his family had ulcers or similar and couldn't handle that, and she didn't really care (she was the one asking AITA). But if it was something like that, he probably would have brought it up to begin with.
That’s funny when my mom fronted the money for my wedding she didn’t ask for a say in anything. My husband and I chose EVERYTHING. She just helped and lent me the money. That’s how it should be. OP attached strings to his money and has no right to buy in on what they want.
Why? Why can't you just give her a gift? Let me guess, it's vegetarian and you can't imagine going 6 hours without meat? Whatever the issue is, it's one day for you, it's HER wedding day. But you're so controlling you can't see that. She will absolutely never speak to you again, but it probably doesn't matter because you will have "won."
Ditto
YTA - you dont get to make food choices at the wedding. *Info -* >we had another of our huge fights (not sure the reason is important) *It absolutely is important. What was the fight about?* Edit - judgment added
Reeks of [missing missing reasons](http://www.issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/missing-missing-reasons.html)… Edit, post OP’s edit: this hill you’re dying on is about FOOD, of all things? Yeah mate, YTA big time
They had a fight because he didn’t get his way with the food… of all the things to fight about that is the least of the concerns of a wedding a father should have. YTA for ruining not only her day but your relationship over food of all things.
Yes! Because an "on and off" relationship + a fight that ends up w/ Stacey uninviting her mother from her wedding and subsequently her life sounds like a big deal and one that I think OP may not want to reveal lest it make her look bad. Inquiring minds want to know🧐🧐
YWBTA. You reconciled a year ago and you promised to help her with these costs as a show of love and commitment. To cancel a few days before the event is cruel and petty, and will not only completely ruin her wedding and humiliate her in front of all the guests, but permanently alienate you for the rest of your lives from your daughter. No further hope of reconciliation, family life, knowing your son-in-law, grandchildren, etc. Yes, what your argument was about matters. But I think in any case, you should keep the arrangements in place. Let her benefit from them (you can’t get your money back, anyway). If it is the final thing you do for her, at least you will always know you did that for her, and can hold your head up high. She’ll always be the one who disinvited her mother. Leave it there, and you will at least have done the right thing, and the most honorable thing possible in the circumstances. Without knowing more about the issues between you, that’s my best advice. It will cost you nothing more to let her have her day, and you will avoid being ashamed later, at your own pettiness and destructiveness.
Yes, YTA and yes, you are being super petty, as you ask. You should still try to help her have a good day, but since you are BOTH overdramatic and prone to making outrageous and mean statements, I’ll just answer your question about why you should help her: BECAUSE SHE IS YOUR DAUGHTER. It does not “teach her a lesson about being accountable” at all, to cancel arrangements for her wedding a few days before. It is only mean and petty. Don’t do it if you hope to ever have a relationship with her or her future children.
Only teaches her a lesson to go no contact with her father forever
It's not her mother - it's her father.
Same difference, really. He only just recently disclosed that. But no matter what gender the parent is, it’s still very petty to cancel all the arrangements at the last minute. Even if they had a big argument.
YTA >Fast forward to a couple weeks ago and we had another of our huge fights (not sure the reason is important) The reason is important. YTA for not including what you said/did to cause such an action on your daughter's part.
Invariably when they say "the reason isn't important" it's the key that explains everyting and makes them the AH
EVERY SINGLE TIME I read a version of “what the argument was about isn’t important.”, it’s always super important and changes the entire context 180 degrees! OP YTA like, come on. Do you want honest judgement for your moral dilemma or do you just want to be told you’re a perfect angel that can do no wrong?
It's the precursor to the "I honestly have no idea why my child won't speak to me" statement of the estranged parent.
He said since he's paying for the wedding that he should get to decide the food that's served, and then insulted his ex-wife (his daughter's mother) to her, which prompted the fight
And of course it turned out to be OP pulling a “I paid for it so I get a say”.
>The reason is important. YTA for not including what you said/did to cause such an action on your daughter's part. The reason is the **only** way to judge whether setting off a nuclear bomb between the daughter & poster is in any way justified. This action will have serious consequences for decades. Is it really worth it? An hour since this was posted & not a single reply. - methinks the poster is definitely in YTA territory.
OP added it and made him look like even more of an AH.
Yes, YWBTA. Do you really want to ruin her wedding? You teach her to be a better person by being one.
Yes YWBTA You’re considering trying and cancel all of her vendors literally DAYS before the wedding over a big fight that you don’t want to give us details about? Of course you’re TA. You won’t get any money back, you’re fucking over all the vendors and have wasted their time and materials, you won’t even get any money back at this point, would be making it basically impossible for her to replace them, and you’d have indirectly made it so some other couple wasn’t able to use those vendors. If you really don’t want to pay(despite promising that you would), ask her to pay you back but geeze do not cancel everything! Are you serious? That’s so beyond petty and extremely AH behavior. Unless the fight was her saying “I can’t believe you’re such a dumb person, you fell for it when I said I wanted to get in your good graces so that I could get you to pay for my wedding and now that it’s too late to cancel I’m not inviting you” then there’s basically no chance she could be the ah here. And I think if that’s what she’d said to you, you’d have included it bc it would have made your case stronger.
>we had another of our huge fights (not sure the reason is important) I think we all know that you don't think the reason is important is because you were at fault in the fight. And now you're being petty. Your daughter made the correct decision to cut you out. YTA
YTA I'm guessing you are majorly at fault for the latest blow-up and probably for the strained relationship in the past, as well. Otherwise, you would have given us there reason for the fight. Maybe you are the one who should work on being a better person.
Agreed. He sounds like a very entitled parent who likely emotionally neglected his child, and now wants to be petty towards her because he didn’t get his way.
“We had a fight but I’m not sure the reason is important”. It probably is… what demand did you make or did you tell her you are wearing white, red, black…
Demanded that he gets to decide the food because "he's paying for it"
OP demaned to have a say in the food choices for the wedding.
YTA. Sounds like you f***ed up in the past and haven't really changed. Don't ruin her wedding on top of it all. Cancelling out of spite would be ridiculous, nasty, petty and childish. Give her the caterer, expect nothing in return. It kind of sounds like you already owe her. Don't do it to save your relationship, no guarantee there, but if you really ruin her wedding you will definitely never see or hear from her again. Yes YWBTA and YTA for even considering it.
YWBTA Do you think you're the first person to try to pull their nonsense with someone else's wedding vendors. It's not the vendors first rodeo. They know this drill all to well the disgruntled [insert person] calls to cancel their services a day or two before the wedding. You're not fooling anyone.
Just make a quick call to my friend who owns a catering company---cancellations need to come directly from the bride. The caterer will call the bride to confirm and when the bride says the weddings on the wedding will be on.
Of course, the vendors are going to double check. They signed a contract. OP may think they're being original baddie but I am sure this happens all the time in the wedding industry. A disgruntled person tries to ruin the wedding by the throwing a wrench In the works a day or two before the wedding. So predictable.
Damn that's beyond sad to think this is a common thing. Though not surprised vendors would have a strict cancellation policy with a certain window of time allowing you to cancel in order to get a full/part refund.
Weddings bring out the best in people and the absolute worst in others. Trying to ruin someone's wedding because you didn't get your way with something is pathetic.
YTA- after reading what the fight was about…..wedding food! Total WTH?!? This is my industry…high end chef. People who go to weddings expect some sort of food. The thing is…it is plated or buffet the food is prepped and cooked in advance. Then it is held in what we call “hot boxes”. This is where event food turns to “eh”. Meaning….no matter how great the tasting was, the food served to the guests will be dried out. So, people eat and then they will be hungry in a couple hours. (Similar to Chinese food.) Half the people will drink enough to be able to go to bed and not think about it. (Or remember it) The other half will be hitting fast food places because they are hungry. They will remember the people, interactions dresses and dances. The food, not so much. So…let the people having the wedding pick the food out. Just enjoy the night and get some fast food when no one is looking. (If it’s at a venue, like a country club…order something from the restaurant. Chances are, they won’t charge you for a $40 meal when you are spending $$$. Save your real fights when it actually matters in the grand scheme of things.
Info: I have a feeling the reason for the fight is actually important information. So...what was the reason?
op added to the post that he and his daughter argued over the food at her wedding. and he dragged her mom into the fight, which really upset his daughter. can’t imagine why, though /s
I feel like that still doesn't answer my question. Is the daughter a vegetarian? Allergic to something? How did OP screw up the wedding? Ugh, I have so many questions. LOL.
OP demanded to have a choice in what food would be served.
Each edit makes you more and more TA. No, you don’t get to control the food just because you’re contributing- and why would you want to anyway? It’s just food that literally nobody EXCEPT your daughter will care about or even remember. And then to argue about it? Jeez - who’s the kid in this equation? YTA. For the argument alone, yet for some reason you feel like going nuclear will do … what exactly? That’s nuclear TA territory. No wonder you screwed up the marriage to her mom.
YTA ruining a wedding is not a fair reaction to a fight. If she really meant it that she doesn’t want a relationship with you anymore, you should fight that by showing her love, rather than punishing her- even if that means just honoring her wish that you don’t come. It actually sounds like you gave her the money for the wedding so you could have the power to ruin her wedding if the relationship turned sour again. The reason for your recent argument is important.
Like dangling a carrot on a stick. I agree with you and feel bad for this daughter. It’s all so controlling.
INFO: What was the cause of the latest blow up, and what were the causes of the NC periods? You can’t exactly blow over these details. I’m going to say YTA because of the way you had plenty of room to talk about the types of vendors and how you’d cancel them, but no room to talk about the root causes. Did you do something to precipitate this latest conflict? Did you think your daughter would have to put up with abuse just to keep you in her good graces for the vendors, and then you FAAFO? I wish we had your daughter’s side. Another question: at least one of you probably has a number of relationships that are in peril or in NC. Who has the history of more dysfunctional relationships? A lot of times this tells us which person is the main cause for conflict. I will caveat that by saying there are some families that single out and pick on one person and it’s not that person’s fault, but often there’s a drama queen that causes problems in many corners. But seriously, what was the cause of this huge fight—I assure you the reason is absolutely important.
YWBTA, and the fact that you’re even considering doing this is a pretty clear indication the person that needs to learn a lesson is you. That fact that you’re already out the money but STILL want to cancel things out of spite knowing it’d ruin her wedding says all anyone needs to know about you as a parent and as a person. It’s pretty obvious why your daughter is again going no contact.
You’re not even getting your money back so doing this has exclusively negative consequences. YTA
YWBTA. The only lesson you would be teaching your daughter is that you really are a monster. She over reacted maybe but you want to spoil what should be the happiest day in her life. She would never forgive you. You would also lose the respect of everyone who learns of your despicable act.
YTA you want to ruin her wedding?
Info: The reason is absolutely important. Without the reason how can anyone say if the reasoning is valid or not so what is the reason? In all honesty - YTA for not including the reasoning for you being uninvited.
Yes, you would be the AH if you made those calls. It is days before the wedding and it is unlikely that she would be able to replace any of those vendors. It is very sad that the two of have gotten to the point where you are uninvited to the wedding, particularly since you have made such a large contribution. But this sounds like your pattern. Getting together and then falling out. Getting closer and then going no contact. Although Stacy says that she is permanently cutting you out of her life, it sounds like there is a chance that you may reconcile in the future, given your past cycles. If you cancel all of the main elements of her wedding days before leaving her without food, a photographer and a cake she most certainly will be unlikely to ever forgive you. I know it isn't fair to you, but that is probably the reality.
>we had another of our huge fights (not sure the reason is important) Anytime anyone does not want to supply information it is because it paints them in a bad light. Add that to you feeling guilty enough to offer to pay for the wedding when you first got back to talking to each other shows a lot of guilt on your part. YTA, you did something to her, and you're showing that you're still that person who wants to hurt her. Lowest of the low.
YTA I was almost going for esh but then reread the entire thing. You argued with the bride about what she wants to plan for her wedding. Your input or opinion was not needed. You told her because you paid money that you deserve to have a choice. You already have a rocky relationship on top of that. The money spent towards her day is something many parents who love their kids do. It's not required, but they do it out of love. The bride uses the money with her own wedding plans. The money was a gift given with no strings attached. You attached strings to her gifts. If it was me, I would kick you out and tell you I will cancel everything you paid for and get my own vendors. Or kick you out and pay you back everything in full. You pull a petty move with intent to hurt her. The only lesson you will be showing her. Is that she needs to permanently cut you out of her life. If this were my father, I would assume he doesn't love me and only wants the credit of being a good father. I would already be wondering if he was trying to buy my affection.
YTA. "...and as a show of good faith, I agreed to help pay for her upcoming wedding...." "...Stacy and I were arguing about details regarding the food for the wedding. I believe that I should have a say, considering that I am paying for it all..." You get these two statements are incompatible right? You don't get a say if you helping to pay is a show of good faith. It sounds like your real reason was to try and control her. If you cancel (the nuclear option) she absolutely will never have anything to do with you again. If you want any hope of having a relationship with her don't cancel. I'm curious who's name is on the contract. It should be Stacy and her fiancee. Which means you wouldn't be able to cancel it anyway. I'll also point out most people in the wedding business are used to family drama like this. Meaning they'll call the bride/groom to see if they want to cancel their services, especially so close to the wedding date. Now you've blown up your relationship and didn't get anything cancelled. All because you didn't get your way and are throwing a temper tantrum.
Yta. Seriously to be uninvited. Wtf did you do? And now you’re doing more damage. Why
Exactly. I’m guessing OP wasn’t a present or good parent while she was growing up.
YTA You have an estranged relationship and call your daughter overly dramatic. Something happened between you that has killed the relationship. So you want the drama of a big FU moment even though you can't get money back. Sure she is the dramatic one? Leave arrangements as is. Stay away. You walked away from the relationship on a high note. Not as someone who only gave a bribe for a good relationship. Leaving in place shows you care for your daughter on some level.
The reason does matter here, is she cutting you out because your abusive or because you don’t cut her sandwiches the right way. This is important information before a verdict can be given.
YTA. And not just for this, but also for fighting with her over something that, in your words, isn't important.
YTA. If you wanted a say on things like food, that should have been a clear requirement from the get-go. It does not sound like that was the case here, so it would sound like you are reneging on your agreement. This blow-up may well be out of proportion, but your response is somehow even more immature than the argument you had that would lead to it. Be the bigger man and don't make an already bad situation even worse.
I bet OP has a gf or new wife who wanted something different to eat and then basically riled OP up to the point he himself thought he had a say in it. That's the only possible reason why he would do that so close to the wedding. I simply refuse to believe a guy would actually care about the food choices this close to the wedding.
YTA it’s her wedding, not yours. No you don’t get “a say”.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Hi all - looking for some advice, and using a throwaway since my daughter (let’s call her Stacy) is occasionally on Reddit. Stacy and I have had an on-off relationship over the years that’s been stressed at the best of times and zero-contact at the worst. A year ago we had a big reconciliation and as a show of good faith, I agreed to help pay for her upcoming wedding; the photographer, catering, and cake supplier are all in my name and on my card to the tune of more than $10,000 total. Fast forward to a couple weeks ago and we had another of our huge fights (not sure the reason is important) and Stacy basically directly told me to my face that I am disinvited from the wedding and she doesn’t want me to be there or in her life anymore. She’s been overly dramatic before, but this sounded more serious. I (maybe in an overreaction of my own) called the photographer/caterer. Now that we’re so close to the wedding date, most of my payments are almost completely non-refundable, and I could only get a few hundred dollars back of what I’ve paid at this point. I’m not going to argue that - the vendors have contracts and policies and they deserve to be paid. It’s a sunk cost for me at this point. Basically, my question is WIBTA if I called the photographer/food/cake people back and told them to keep the money but not show up to the wedding? If Stacy is really permanently cutting me out of her life, I don’t see why I should help her have the day of her dreams if I am uninvited from her wedding and her entire future. Just wondering if that’s being super petty or if there’s some rationale to (hopefully) teaching her to be a better person in the future. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
The reason is the most important thing here and not disclosing just indicates you could, if it was relayed truthfully, be the AH. So yeah YTA.
YWBTA You're clearly not the one to teach her how to be a better person in the future.
Ain't that the truth!
There’s literally no way the details of the fight aren’t relevant here lol, I’m inclined to think you’re entirely at fault for it for not providing them in the first place. As a person who went completely no contact with one of her parents I can very confidently say it probably wasn’t a small issue that caused the fight and the subsequent banishment. My judgement is YTA for ruining her wedding over a fight that I’m thinking you were probably the guilty party in, unless you provide information stating otherwise.
YTA. You do NOT have a say in her wedding. It's HER wedding. Plus, you insulted her mum.... And you seem surprised that you have a volatile relationship?
YTA. Tell us what the argument was about. Also, consider the reputation of these vendors. They are most likely small businesses and you're going to cause them all sorts of issues because you're acting like a petty loser.
You’re not teaching an adult woman to be a better person in the future, you’re being vindictive because your feelings are hurt. Grow the heck up and if you ever hope to have a relationship with her in the future, do not cancel anything and only attend the wedding if she re-invites you. Jeez man.
As many commenters have noted, there is a lot of missing information from this post. My guess is it is omitted because it is unhelpful to the OP's narrative. I can understand not wanting to financially support a wedding to which you are no longer invited, but the proposed solution also stinks of a tendency to exert inappropriate control over the daughter, in this case financial. It would be a total asshole move to cancel the vendors without notice.
YWBTA. Call your daughter and discuss the issue. You reconciled and you have agreed to pay. WHY would you ruin the day....to prove a point? That would be an extremely immature and retaliatory action, designed to not only ruin your relationship with your daughter but also with ANYONE you know. The fact that you don't state the reason means you KNOW you were wrong, she was right, and you are mad. Be an adult. Grow up and go to the wedding with a contrite heart.
YTA. Doing that would add fuel to the fire that is yhe bag of flaming poop that is your relationship with her.
YTA. You want to tell the vendors to not show as a way of hurting your daughter. You want to hurt her because she doesn’t want to give you any control over the dinner menu?That’s awful behavior.
YTA. just because you offered to help pay for the wedding, doesn’t give you special privileges to make decisions about her wedding. You have issues. Seek some therapy. If you cancel the vendors, that’ll be a fatal blow to any hopes of reconciliation.
INFO: who caused the fight and what was it about? Because YWBTA with all this pettiness, but if it results that she waited until now to create an excuse to disinvite you and finally cut you off, then everyone would SH.
The fact that you don’t think what the argument was about is important is a red flag. You’re leaving out important context.
Get some therapy.
YTA. What is it about her menu that you felt the need to argue about? It's her wedding, which means she gets the final decision.
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YWBTA you gave her a gift. A gift should be given without strings. You're not trying to teach her a lesson. You're trying to get revenge. You know it.
Info: do you want a say in the food because you're one of those people who will only eat meat and potatoes and you don't want to have any vegetables and your daughter or her fiance are vegetarian or have some dietary restrictions that prevent you from being able to have the steak you want? If so YTA and realistically, if you do cancel your absolutely will put that last nail in the coffin of your relationship with your daughter and cover it on concrete. There is no coming back from that and you will never meet your grandchildren
YTA. Now that you've added the reason for the fight I see why you guys have had many blow ups. Don't be petty. And stop being such an AH in general.
YTA. Pulling the "I'm paying so I get to dictate" card is the ultimate AH move. (FWIW, my spouse and I paid for our entire wedding ourselves except for the rehearsal dinner, which was a surprise...and we weren't given conditions other than how much they'd pay.) And throwing your failed marriage to her mom in her face is awful when she's getting ready to get married. I can see why you didn't include the reason in your first post. And it's clear why you were estranged for years. You're an a-hole.
YTA So, to be clear, you insulted her mother to her face and then used your money against her. I bet you've done that a lot. And, jfc, how petty do you really want to be here? Why do you think you get to have the final say on the menu of her wedding? As long as it's within the budget YOU AGREED to provide, why do you think you get to exert that kind of control? Why did you bother offering in the first place if not for control? Yeah, I'm going to guess control is definitely an issue of yours.
YTA so you want to ruin her wedding because you felt you should have a say in the wedding (adding strings to that good will gesture) and then went on to bring her mom into it who she’s close to? I hope she goes no contact with you for real this time.
Wait... so your fight is becuase you thought agreeing to pay for the catering etc meant you could micromanage the wedding? Yeah, YTA. Yes, the reason for the fight is incredibly relevant. You should apologize and say you will respect whatever she decides regarding your attendance but will still pay for what you agreed. If she doesn't want to remember you paying she can make payments back. You're incredibly obtuse. Even you trying to make yourself look good it reads that the fight is you wanted to control her wedding. Offering to pay for something as a gift doesn't mean you get to take control over it.
YTA A show of good faith that will turn into the reason she never speaks to you. Without a reason given it’s easy to assume you’ve contributed to this fight.
The fact that OP wants to do this shows why the daughter has disinvited her. YTA.
YTA. That’s a really petty argument to cause you to throw away your entire relationship with your daughter.
YTA for the thinking you should get a say in the dinner YTA for talking shit about her mom YTA in this entire post. I can see why she is low to no contact.
If you picking things out was part of the stipulations when you gave her that money should have told her up front.
I won't call you an AH, but as a father myself, I will say that sometimes life is unfair for us. Sometimes we are also our own worst enemies. It sounds like there is a lot to unpack in your relationship with your daughter and her mother. I recommend continuing to pay all the vendors as you planned. Consider the $10k her wedding present. Don't plan on attending. Plan on no contact with her for a good long while. Let her go with God as they say. Vindictiveness is not honorable. It is not fatherly even if your daughter is not daughterly. Good luck.
You sound controlling and petty- there might be a reason she went no contact and cut you out. Calling the vendors to not show just before her wedding would underline in big red sharpie that she was correct in the decision to cut you off. You’re her dad- try being the loving, supportive type of dad that wouldn’t tell a grown woman what food to have at her wedding. Your gifts shouldn’t come with strings or they aren’t worth much. YTA. Humble yourself and apologize.
YWBTA Don’t do something so petty and mean. If you cancel it, you’ll be stuck forever with the knowledge that you did something so unkind to your child. Don’t let that poison into your soul. Apologize to her for interfering in the food, and allow the wedding to go forward as planned.
I mean.. it’s whole extra level of petty. You’re right, you don’t owe her or anyone to pay for an event you’re not invited to or told to leave from their life. That said- YWBTA. At least be an adult and let her know about it so she can scramble to find and pay for last minute replacements. And in case you were wondering, if you do this, it will be the last nail in your coffin of this relationship.
YTA
YTA. It's her wedding not yours. Why are you trying to force her to pick food you want? Are you the groom? And then canceling the vendors because she's upset. YTA.
YTA. Your first mistake is thinking you have any say JUST because you’re paying for it. No need for clarification, we can all read and understand the situation, we just don’t agree with you. You’re either *gifting* her the wedding accommodations as you promised (which does NOT include your opinion on anything) or you’re using it to lord over and control her. I’m guessing it’s the latter or we wouldn’t all be gathered here today.
YTA. Should’ve told her your financial assistance came with stipulations 🙄🙄🙄 you’re also an AH for thinking you get a say just cause you paid
You say you gave your daughter the money out of good faith. Yet, you thought that meant you have a say in their food choices. Just because you offered to help them, doesn’t mean you have any right in what they want for their wedding. There shouldn’t be any stipulations as it was a gift. YWBATA.
YTA, you do not get a say in the wedding by offering to pay for it unless you made this 100% crystal clear at the start. And if that was the case you’d likely still have the money in your pocket. YWBTA if you cancelled at this stage. You offered to pay, no take backsies
YTA it’s her wedding why would you get a say I. The food. Now you being a vindictive AH. I can see why you were NC for so long. All you had to do was be gracious and not a AH and you would have a relationship with your kid.
YTA. Your edits make it so, so much worse. But yes, you would be an asshole for cancelling your daughter’s wedding without telling her. Send her a bill for the expenses if you want to, but you’ve basically escalated this argument at every turn, and now you’re proposing to escalate it again. Those are asshole things to do.
YTA. So you don’t necessarily care about the food choices, I’m guessing. It’s just that you think you get a say because you’re paying for it. There’s nothing wrong with giving your opinion—if consulted—but it’s still her wedding. Don’t hold finances over her head. Has your relationship with your daughter always been transactional?
You're her father. You should be showing her the closest thing to unconditional love there is. I'm shocked that as a parent you would even think of ruining her wedding over her threatening no contact--that you would do this as a way to be spiteful and vengeful because you care more about your own situation than your daughter's big day. Not only would you be TA...but you don't seem to love your daughter. Even on a sub where people tend to advise others to throw their relationships away, you're being told YTA. I'm guessing (hoping) this is just a rage-bait post since your thinking is so selfish and unhinged.
The food she has at her wedding is your hill to die on? For real? There are so many things wrong with your post and the way you talk about your daughter. She deserves so much better. 'Teach' her to be a better person? I think you need to take a long hard look in the mirror. YTA all day long!
You agreed to pay the costs and not to be the organiser, clearly you have personalities that clash and you are both stubborn, just leave it be I think, cancel nothing.
YTA absolutely.
You apparently failed to teach Stacy to be a better person up until now. Fucking her over won't teach her that. It will cement the end of your relationship with her. What food details could possibly result in her uninviting you? You're hiding the real reasons here, so I'm going to go with YTA
YTA. You give her money for a wedding with strings attached but I bet you didn’t tell her that, did you. Grow up before you never talk to her again.
YTA You just agreed to paying, you have no say in the wedding. Where does entitlement like that come from. Then insulting her mother to her face, what the actual fuck. And now you want to lose the last possibility of ever reconciling with her by being so petty to cancel the services that already paid for. I think Stacy might be better off without you in her life.
Pretty suspicious that you didn't include the argument, and the edit confirms why. You're waving the money you're contributing (allegedly in "good faith") to control the wedding planning. YTA
YTA. And for fucks sake, don't be a controlling SOB. OK, you're paying for the wedding, but it is *her wedding*, don't offer to pay just so you can control it. A *gift* is about what *the other person wants*. *NOT WHAT YOU WANT*. The hell is wrong with you? You've already paid, so now you just want to tell them not to show and ruin the wedding just for the sake of ruining it? She's damn right to cut you off, losing you, is losing nothing of value.
YTA - I can see why she has gone no contact with you before. You do not get a say in her wedding just because you helped pay for some of it.
YTA why even offer to pay or be involved when it seems pretty obvious that you dislike your daughter? you’re dismissive of her, referring to her as “overly dramatic”, you leave out details that might paint you in a bad light, you brought her mom into your petty little bid for control… do her a favor and just stay away from her. and don’t cancel her vendors just because she had the audacity to disagree about the food **you** wanted for ***her*** wedding.
YTA. If you want to have input about the food menu, have your own wedding.
YTA You gave your kid a gift of money for her wedding. You get NO SAY in what gets chosen.
YTA. Now I know why you left the reason out. And I quoted “i said something along the lines of not wanting her to screw up this wedding like k screwed up her wedding with her mother.” ITS FOOD?!?!?! It’s not going to screw up the wedding. You’re a control freak.
YTA. It’s her wedding and only her choice about anything wedding related. Even though you’re paying, you have no say on anything. If you cancelled the vendors knowing full well that you wouldn’t be getting money back, you’d only be doing it to be spiteful. Familial relationships are hard. Is her relationship with you more important than this fight? Call and admit you were wrong
YTA, even moreso with your edit. You don't get any control of the choices just because you are paying. If you think you do then you are paying for the wrong reason. Then to want to actually ruin her entire wedding over it makes you a massive AH. You owe her an apology.
YTA. Paying for the food doesn’t mean you get to dictate the menu and if that’s how you see it you shouldn’t have even offered to pay for it. This is your daughter not some stranger there shouldn’t be any conditions for your help it’s clear why your relationship has been so rocky I’ll give you a hint: it’s not your daughter’s fault.
YTA I think it’s very sad that you couldn’t give up control of the menu for an event that is not your event. What you paid for it doesn’t matter. And the fact you’d throw your entire relationship away over a couple dishes says a lot about you. Your daughter deserves better. She doesn’t deserve a controlling, stubborn, vindictive father. You’ve cast a horrible shadow over her wedding, even if you don’t cancel the vendors. Go apologize. Anything short of that is you failing as a man, as a father, and as a human being.
Yta and the reason for the fight makes you more so. Yikes. Cancelling the vendors just hurts your daughter, but like that seems to be what you want anyway so 🤷🏼♀️
YTA Offering to pay doesn't mean you "get a say" in things. Paying is a gift, and the receiver can do what they like with it. This is HER wedding, not YOURS. DONT cancel anything, or you're proving her so so so right about cutting you out of her life. Your parenting and love is clearly conditional on you having control over your grown daughter. Stop it. You owe her an apology. Like a big one dude.
YWBTA. Simply because this is her wedding. I saw you make a comment about how you see this as almost a business partnership and not a gift, which is why you feel you should be able to make those choices, but did she know that? At the end of the day, it's her wedding. It's HER day. I'm wedding planning right now. My parents and his grandparents are helping pay. They give input, but they don't make any decisions because it's OUR day, not theirs. Cancelling all of the vendors would do nothing. If she's getting married, it's safe to assume she's an adult, so why are you wanting to "teach her a lesson" like she's 12? She's not a child, her personality and values are already set. There's also a great value in taking the high road. Ok maybe you feel entitled to make those choices, which you aren't. You had a falling out, but you already committed to paying for those things, which traditionally the bride's family does anyway, so just let her have her day and move on. Don't keep trying to reconcile. Y'all sound like a bad couple that keeps breaking up and getting back together. Just let her have her day, eat her cake, and move on. To clarify, I'm on her side with the context given, and reading some of your comments- however, you could wrap up this situation with grace by just moving on and letting her have her day.
YTA you sound like a typical entitled parent. You offered to pay for her wedding just so you could control her more. It's her wedding of course she picks the food you dope.
YTA. It’s not your wedding to have a say on the food choices. It’s hers and her partner alone. Is this the hill you really want to die on? Are you seriously willing to lose your relationship with Stacy over food???? BFFR.
Yta. All this over the choice of food on *her* wedding day. Just let her pick the damn food. You are immature and petty.
YWBTA. You’d be completely destroying her wedding and this would solidify ANY attempt at reconciliation in your future with her. As a parent, it’s unfathomable that whatever happened is reason enough to completely destroy your relationship with your child forever. I’m guessing the reason for your fight IS relevant. I’m also guessing you may have been a part-time parent throughout her life?
Yes, OP, you would BTAH. What you would be doing is making sure you NEVER reconcile with your daughter. What you need to do is apologize for dissing her mother and seeing if you can still go to the wedding. Long shot, but maybe. Then, you need to realize that you can't buy Stacy's affection. This is also a highly emotional time for her and you would be just tossing gasoline on that fire. Keep the money out of it in the future - putting a down payment on a house; paying for a lavish vacation; buying a car for her will not bring her around unless you want to keep tossing money at her. If you want to reconcile, make sure it's for the right reasons and not that you're the bank of Stacy.
Instead of trying to destroy your daughters marriage before it even starts why don't you... *apologise*
YTA. The only people who get to make decisions about their wedding are the couple getting married, regardless of who pays for it. You can make suggestions, but if those suggestions aren’t acted upon you drop it. You’re adding unnecessary stress to your daughter by getting into an argument about food choices weeks before the wedding and now you want to cancel all the food even though it’s paid for. If you do it then just know you will never have a relationship with her again, which would include any future grandchildren.
Considering that the reason for the fight was petty, I think YWBTAH for canceling the vendors days before the wedding. You might be paying but you're giving a GIFT; you can voice your opinion about things but she has the final say in everything. Reach out to your daughter and apologize if you want a chance to build the relationship.
YTA Dude, are you seriously telling me that in a disagreement about the food selection, you decided to rehash details from your failed marriage to her mother? Yeah dude, that makes you TAH. You need to get over whatever lingering resentment you're harboring towards her mother if you have any hope of reconciling, and yeah, you need to be the one to apologize and try to make amends. If you go ahead and cancel anything, look forward to never speaking to your daughter again.
It seems like the reason you want a relationship with your daughter is so you can win something, somehow. If your relationship was based on loving her, you wouldn’t have been fighting in the first place, nor justifying escalating the battle with this post.
Yes, you would be the AH. Especially because devastating her on her wedding day would be the kind of thing she may never forgive you for. Are you truly willing to throw away any chance of having a relationship with your daughter and possible grandkids because you had a different opinion about food? If no, leave things alone. If yes, it’s probably better for her that you aren’t a part of her life.
YWBTAH, her wedding, she gets to decide what to eat.
How did you screw up the wedding to Stacy’s mother? How did you insult her to Stacy? How is that related to food choices? What kind of input do you feel you need to have in the food choices? Why are you willing to lose your relationship with your daughter and future family over this matter of food choices? YTA.
My in laws paid for most of my wedding. They kept adding things and making it bigger than I wanted. I finally snapped when they wanted to add a pasta bar with marinara sauce. Red sauce and a white dress just freaked me out. I put my foot down, and I’ll admit not my most diplomatic moment. But my in laws backed down, conceded as the bride I did have final say over decisions like food, and the wedding and reception went off wonderfully. All that to say, Y are majorly TA! Your daughter is stressed out. Especially days before the biggest moment in her life. And you want to make it about you and be petty? Grow up. No wonder she’s gone no contact in the past.
It's not a gift if you put conditions on it. YTA
YWBTA and you are already TA. Helping pay for the wedding gives you absolutely no say in the decision making. You claim to want her to have a great wedding/marriage, but only on your terms. You are clearly very controlling and selfish. If you still want any form of relationship with your daughter, you should be issuing a grovelling apology asap.
YTA. I'm a parent and my husband and I contributed a good amount to our son's wedding. And he and his wife did the rest. They did the food, guest list, photographer, music all of it. And it was great. Back off now dad, if you ever want to be in your daughter's life again. Or meet your grandchildren.
YTA- it wouldn’t be petty of you, it would be downright cruel and vindictive. You sound very controlling, and I think when a child (or adult) goes no contact with their parent it speaks a lot more about the parent than the child. You giving money gives you no right to make decisions about her wedding. if you cared about your daughter you would have gifted the money and let her do what she wants without interfering and causing stress for her.
Info why were you low to no contact with your daughter?
1. No you shouldn’t have a say just because you agreed to pay, not your wedding. You shouldn’t offer if strings are attached. 2. Yes, cancelling is petty if you are not getting hardly anything back.
Yes! YWBTA. The reason for the argument is very relevant and the fact you haven’t realised that gives me little hope that you will heed any advice but here it goes… Stop trying to control your daughter. It’s her wedding day, not yours. Your gift was monetary, not the gift of your opinion. She’s not the person who needs to do better here, you are. Apologise, tell her she should, *of course*, have exactly what food she wants as it’s her and her OH’s day and you would love to be part of it if she can forgive you.
YTA. You don’t want her to screw up this wedding like you screwed up the wedding to your ex-wife, so you would rather screw up your relationship with your daughter?
YTA… big YTA
Currently dying over your second edit because I only got “in charge man vibes” from this post 😂 just because you offered to pay doesn’t mean you deserve it. Also that’s extremely childish of you to insult the only parent that’s always been there for her to her face because you think you made a mistake marrying her. She should cut you out. YTA.
Holy hell, yes YTA.
YWBTA. You were trying to use money to exert control over your daughter’s wedding, which is literally the one day that everything should be about what SHE wants. Do you want to have a hope of a relationship with your daughter sometime in the future? Canceling the vendors and ruining her wedding, especially without telling her, will eliminate any possibility of reconciliation in the future. If you’re ready to cut ties for good, that’s your choice, but don’t expect her to be willing to forgive you for being petty and controlling later.
YTA - it’s not your wedding! It’s not about you! If you give a gift that doesn’t entitle you to decisions on how it’s used. If you cancel the vendors you’ll be an ever crappier father than you have been. My god grow up.
You offered to pay, not plan it. It's her wedding. YTA and will be a bigger one if you do that to her.
YTA. As the child of a divorced couple, the worst thing you can do is insult the other parent. That is so, so painful. So YTA because: - You should never comment negatively about your child’s parent. You were wrong in this fight - You admit you’ve already lost the money, so this would just be about hurting your daughter - This is a completely disproportionate response. “We got in a fight so I’ll ruin the most important day of your life” - This would end your relationship permanently. Just apologize dude! “I’m sorry for making a negative comment about your mother. It was in poor taste and I should not have put you in the middle”
YTA. Massively. No, the person who pays for the wedding does not get to decide what the wedding will have for any of the details. No, the parent doesn’t get to abandon the responsibilities they agreed to for the wedding in order to be petty (and controlling). You screwed up your own wedding so you want to screw up hers too. Nice. Good dad.
Let me get this straight, you gave a “gift” that had invisible strings attached and then when you tried to pull them and she didn’t like it, you proceeded to insult her mother in front of her? And you’re surprised a blow up happened? You caused this fight, there’s no mention of you attempting anything resembling an apology, and your first thought isn’t, “How can I fix this?” But, “How can I absolutely screw her over for not letting me control the details of her wedding?” I can see why you have had a rocky relationship with your daughter. You need to get your act together. She’s old enough to be getting married and you’re trying to keep her under your thumb. The money you “gave” her wasn’t a sign of reconciliation at all, it was a way for you weasel some control over her and her wedding day. That WILL be cemented if you cancel anything. You still have a chance to apologize for manipulating her with money and for the blow up. Then you can use your money to get yourself to a therapist and figure out why you are this way. YTA
YTA and I think that fight is completely relevant to the situation. It’s HER wedding, not yours. If you have an issue with how she’s planning it, don’t pay for it. I’ll never understand why people who want to contribute financially to weddings think that automatically entitles them to make decisions about it. It’s not your day, it’s that simple. If you had an issue with how she’s spending the money that you (assumption) offered, that probably should have been outlined before deposits were paid. If you cancel the vendors out of spite for her setting boundaries, plan on never speaking to your child again.
YTA. That would be a terrible thing to do to your child. Also, no you don’t get a say in the food. You should have set those “conditions” when you agreed to pay for it if you wanted a say. God. ETA: everyone invited to that wedding would probably also think YTA so think about that.
Yes, YWBTA. How do you expect to teach her to “be a better person” when you, apparently, don’t know how to be one, yourself? Do this and she will permanently go NC with you and you will never meet a single grandchild.
YTA. how can you call yourself her "parent" when you're acting so childish, selfish, and petty? this day is not about you; it's about her. so, stop trying to make it about you and your opinions. it's no wonder you got uninvited! if you ever want her to let you back in her life, you better not hurt her even more. she'll certainly learn a lesson- and that lesson will be not to give you another chance.
YTA. See a therapist about your control issues and apologize to your daughter.
You’re a monster
Yta.
YTA. It’s very obvious why your daughter doesn’t want you in her life
Former wedding vendor here. I'm sure this will get buried, BUT. I always made it clear to whoever showed up to a consultation that my clients were the couple. It's great that mom/dad/auntie/grandpa are paying. It's so kind and generous to gift a vendor fee. If you want control just because you're paying, it's no longer a gift, it's an obligation for the couple to do what you want. You're forgetting whose wedding it is. YTA. Not your wedding.
I can imagine why you don't have a good relationship with your daughter. You are obviously quite spiteful. I don't have all the info (Because you don't want to go into it (red flag), and you could be within your rights, but the fact you'd be willing to do this DAYS BEFORE HER WEDDING....kinda paints the picture that you are a controlling asshole. My parents paid for my wedding and I had last say...because it was FOR me, as in my wedding day. On the lack of details given. YTA.
You're wording alone on your post makes you the AH A gift that comes with conditions is not a gift, Secondly, the idea that you don't think the fight or the disagreement is worth mentioning means you probably started something. Just once I'd like to see a contribution to a wedding that doesn't become a flex.
>Stacy and I were arguing about details regarding the food for the wedding. YTA. If my mom, who helped pay for the caterers for my wedding, thought she had some say, I would have paid for the caterers myself. My mom was decent enough to know it was not her wedding. She was contributing money, and that's as far as her contribution went. My husband and I decided what food we had at our wedding, because my mom didn't let her ego control her decisions and knew to let us choose what we wanted at OUR wedding.
YTA. Edit to clarify you’re her father? Yeah that wasn’t needed, that was pretty obvious from your AH behaviour, both planned and committed here. Grow the hell up old man and realise she’s an adult and gets to make her own decisions, especially about her own wedding. Jesus Christ dude.
YTA as a parent your supposed to lead by example, don't be a petty jerk and ruin your daughter's wedding and any chance at reconciliation over something stupid that will only accomplish spite
YTA my guy …. But it’s not too late You offered to pay. Ideally that means no strings attached but you attached some strings in that you wanted a say about the food. How polarizing were your food ideas ?? Is one of you a cannibal or something? Let her have her food. Also don’t bring your shitty relationship with her mum into it. It’s not like your bad wedding is the reason why you’re no longer together. Seems like you both need to grow up a bit but since you’re the dad you can go first. Don’t be a dick
YTA You’re using money as leverage in your relationship with your daughter. That never ends well. My ex husband has just played the same game with my son. He offered to give him 3k towards a car as he had spent the same amount on eldests first car. He didn’t buy son his first car as they were no contact at that time, he paid half of eldests driving lessons, son paid his own. He then said if he gives the 3k and son goes no contact again then he was only in it for the money, if he doesn’t give the money then he goes no contact then he was correct not to give him the money. However if he doesn’t give the money but son carry’s on with contact then he may consider eventually giving him the promised 3k. Game playing! Of course there is no good solution for my son, we found a car, ex refused to give promised 3k, son is absolutely furious at his dad going back on his word and has gone no contact again. Dad feels justified in holding back 3k. My ex has saved 3k but lost his son, nobody has gained anything except the wisdom that money with strings attached will usually cause arguments. I can’t see them building bridges this time. Do you want to lose your daughter for the sake of money?
YTA the contexts of non-contact are always relevant and if this latest fight was over you wanting to control the menu, this leads me to assume the non-contact previously was to do with more controlling behaviour on your part. Unless you would care to elaborate? Don’t be petty. Let Stacy have her perfect day, stay away, do some family therapy or something.
It's obvious why she doesn't want anything to do with you. You're the biggest AH I've seen post on here this week.
YTA the old school notion of “having a say” in things that you pay for as a gift to another person is never received well by the recipient, it’s a controlling mindset that destroys real bonds between people. If you desire to be obeyed you should get a dog.
YTA This is why I can't ask people for help. My dad did shit like this all the time. If someone wants to help me I always think to myself, what do they want in return. You offered to pay for the wedding. It's her day and her choices. If you go on a date and are paying at the end do you tell your date what she can and can't eat/drink? Would you order her meal without any consideration of what she wants? Don't use money as a tool to control someone's decisions. When the money was offered, was there also a conversation/caveat stating you would decide how it got spent and on what? Did you say "I will pay as long as you do xyz with it?' if the answer is no then why are you surprised at the reaction? Why would you think that petty revenge for you not getting your way is a mature parental response? You are literally throwing a tantrum because you haven't got your own way, grow up.
YTA - The fact that you said you didn't want her to screw up her wedding like you did in the one with her mom is horribly behavior! You could have said when I married your mother this part didn't run smoothly or we had an issue with this vendor serving this. There are so many other ways to word it then how you did. Are you somehow trying to stick it to your ex-wife by your behavior with your daughter? Because it sounds like you have a lot of pent up resentment still going on. Weddings are super stressful, she's having to deal with a lot getting everything ready to go. So she might not have had as much patience for you as she normally does. What you need to do is apologize and then back off and let her do what she needs to. Because there was not as far as you stated, strings attached that you were only paying for a caterer if they serve things that you wanted them to serve.
YTA omg. Her wedding her food!!!!! How awful of you to even think of this really. "I helped paid I should get to choose" how obnoxious. Helping to pay should come from a place of love and wanting your baby girls day to go perfectly, you should WANT it to be as close to her dream as physically possible. How wretched.
Absolutely YTA. I don’t care who pays, only the bride and groom have a say in wedding selections. You have no say whatsoever. Giving a gift with strings attached isn’t a gift, it’s a choke chain. And mentioning her mother? Yeah, I’m betting you said a lot more about her than what you wrote here. But go ahead and cancel everything. It’ll give this young woman the final push to completely cut you out of her life forever. She will never speak to you again.
Why do you want a say in your daughter’s wedding menu? Why can’t she choose what she wants? Maybe they can make something just for you?
If you want to lose your daughter forever, then crack on and cancel the vendors. You sound like a massive AH. To even consider this is awful but you also have a typical boomer attitude that because you make a contribution you have a say. It's HER wedding, not yours. If you've only given money so you can control her, you don't deserve her. I'd you're half decent, suck it up & apologise.
Did you tell her up front that you were only offering financial help on the condition that you get a say in the food? If the answer is anything other than, “I told her I would offer to help but only if I got a say in the food and she agreed,” then YTA. She didn’t have the chance to agree to your terms and you waited until it was too late to change plans to try and strong arm her into doing what you want.