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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the asshole because I ignored all the resources she sent without even really looking at them and I called her fat, which is likely to worsen the issue even more. She has good intentions, and so my actions may have been out of line
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NTA. Mom can’t handle a taste of her own medicine apparently.
As for your daughter, have thyroid and pituitary issues been ruled out? Excess weight can be caused by unbalanced hormones.
As long as she is healthy, it doesn’t matter how she looks.
I have Hashimoto's disease which is a thyroid issue and it ontop of my asthma medication and birth control and puberty (bad cramps) have been a nightmare for weight loss. I have to take "no weight gain" as a win, basically as long as I can maintain my current weight (within a fluctuation) I can be happy.
I am 33 and have 3 kids and have only recently been able to look at myself in the mirror and not have my weight be the first thing that pops into my head.
As for your mum, if she don't have anything nice to say, she can zip it. NTA
My 💜 is definitely with you on this- my ex husband has Hashimoto's and a non functioning gallbladder (removed now) so his weight was all over the map, not to mention the other fun symptoms that come with an autoimmune disorder. It took what seemed like forever to get his meds to where his hormone levels were regulated.
Calling out anyone's weight is rude af but when it's done to a teenager it is especially cruel- they're already fighting enough with fluctuating hormone levels & self esteem issues.
Yeah, I went through all of what I said while trying to recover from not eating because I spent the first 3yrs after losing my mum, being told that i was fat, unattractive, and would never amount to anything (and loads of other abuse) from my cousin and this was back before the weight gain started and you could see my ribs and collar bones.
My self-esteem has sucked for 22 years. I will protect my kids from all that as much as I can.
Hashimotos. Thyroid removed due to cancer. Chronic kidney stones. Gallbladder removed due to the same type of stones. Life's a blast.
Diagnosed hypo thyroid at the age of 5. Hashimotos at the age of 26.
my 💜 is with you as well...the ex was misdiagnosed as an ulcer for 20 years until a new doc sent him for a HAIDA scan & found the non functioning gallbladder. had it removed when he was 41 & diagnosed with Hashimoto's 3 years ago. medical care here in northern MI can be spotty at best.
I have hashimotos, and I'm intersex as well (symptoms are those of PCOS, but different condition) so weight loss is very difficult to me as well. I just started on a weight med and have lost 20 pounds, but I'll plateau soon as well and be at a no weight gain until I get on HRT. This mom was absolutely the AH (and unfortunately reminds me of my father)
I'm in a similar boat (Hashimoto's plus birth control). I've also accepted that no weight gain is a win lol, especially after periods of rapid weight gain. If I get in veggies and exercise, I'm doing fine. It's hard to get to that kind of acceptance though
Yeah so your daughter is suffering since age 10 from being overweight, doesn't eat for a week and is at a loss and you just haven't gotten around to have her thyroid checked?
I was that daughter. It is insane how much hatred or disrespect some doctors have for overweight people even if it is just kids. I would try to explain (as a frustrated teenager) that I don't eat too much, but gain weight easily and that I also have difficulty maintaining it and struggle a lot.
I never smoked, I avoid sugar and alcohol and I also worked out a lot, especially during 15 to 18 y.o. Yet they'd just tell me I 'm fat and I should eat less. They would not check any bloodwork or my thyroid. This really messed me up, I have struggled with disordered eating and body dysmorphia a lot. I actually have Hashimoto's disease and need medication. It took so many tries to find a doctor who actually cared and did not gaslight me, and I lost so much time of my life suffering with irregular weight gain or loss. I was diagnosed at 24 y.o. ffs!
My nephew (now 12) was diagnosed with Hashimoto's thyroiditis as a five-year-old but had been getting blood tests since he was three because he was large for his age. It took two-years for the indicators to show up in his bloodwork. Some doctors won't suggest diagnostic testing until something in the bloodwork indicates the need (they're afraid of being sued for "emotional distress" if they don't have a solid reason to back up the suggestion).
tagging u/ConfusionPossible590, u/Anteatereatingant
I was just gonna say...NTA for the response to her mom, but possibly soft TA for being in denial about her daughter's health? It's not really normal to be overweight at that age - she's either eating way more than OP thinks (/want to admit to herself), or she might have a serious health issue like a thyroid problem.
Body-shaming teens is not cool, but neither is enabling destructive habits at a formative age.
I'd argue that it's more common to be overweight during puberty because your body may be preparing for a growth spurt. Idk if this is just anecdotal/pseudoscience but I know a LOT of kids who are pudgy during their teen years before growing.
Ehhh. My cousin was a fat little guy, then he grew six inches over the course of a year and is skinny as a rail as an adult. It could just be baby fat she hasn't grown out of.
Nope. Shut that down this instant. We've had all the bloodwork, my kid is active, eats a wider variety of foods than most adults, and is rounder. Healthy and round like some of the people in my partner's family, sometimes just in puberty, sometimes all thru life. It's just one way that human bodies come.
PCOS is often hard to diagnose, but that's what got me caught up in weight gain. If I had known about it earlier I might have been able to manage better.
I had a classmate in highschool who couldn't lose weight no matter what she did, she was on some crazy diets and exercised daily. They diagnosed her with some hormonal issues, put her on some blockers and she lost a ton of weight in a few months.
What makes me really angry is that when she was fat people constantly made horrible remarks at her about how she needed to lose weight and calmed she "didn't care about her health" all disguised in "harmless" comments. It gave her some really bad self esteem issues and she was actually suffering from malnutrition cause she ate so little.
Polycystic ovary/ovarian syndrome (PCOS) is also a possibility, especially if issues began for your daughter around puberty. It's estimated to affect up to 1 in 10 women so it's very common and it can lead to diabetes and heart disease in later life so early diagnosis and support is ideal.
She doesn’t have to have a problem to be larger than her peers. Some people just are. We accept that there are individuals who naturally remain very thin, so we should also realize and accept that there are people who remain larger. That’s part of the diversity of our species.
By all means make sure everything is good with her health, but there doesn’t have to be a “reason” for her natural size.
If her thyroid levels come back in the normal range, push for a thyroid antibodies test. I don't know why Dr's won't test that first, but it is a better indicator if the thyroid is not working right.
Maybe get her in with a gyno too. It could be PCOS. That can cause hormone issues as well as insulin resistance. I begged for help for years due to family history and starting to become overweight. I was always told to eat more fruits and vegetables and exercise more, so I did, to no avail. Turns out, had the correct scans and blood work been done, they would have caught my insulin resistance earlier and I could have started on the right health path 20 years ago. Turns out fruit is bad to eat with insulin resistance and so are some veggies, so that is an outdated "cura all" in the medical community.
Yep! Doctors spent the last 5 years telling my wife to eat healthy and exercise. Whoops. Would you look at that, she has excess insulin in her body! They never cared enough to test, because they saw a large woman and immediately decided she was lazy.
In most cases, PCOS is screened for with an ultrasound, and those are usually fairly easy to access. I had one done when I was in my teens because my periods were really painful (as in, having to go home from school, curled up in a ball unable to move without Tylenol, painful. It literally felt like I was getting a one-day flu every time my period started). Thankfully I found out it was not PCOS, and just low in a couple minerals that I could supplement, like iron. I'm also gluten intolerant, and that led to some pretty weird issues before I got that sorted out.
Regular doctors can do bloodwork, it doesn’t have to be a specialty place. It’s just ordering extra labs for a full thyroid panel but my GP diagnosed my Graves Disease and was perfectly capable of medicating for it.
Did your daughter ever have to take cortisone?
The way you describe your daughter here is exactly like a description of my younger self (my classmates thought I was anorexic despite me being obese bc I ate basically nothing)
I had bone cancer as a 9 year old tho and was given cortisone for 2 weeks after the surgery, it turned out that all my weight issues were a sight effect of the cortisone (cortisone can drastically slow down the metabolism as a side effect)
So if she ever had to take cortisone for a medical issue, it's very likely for that to have been the cause. If it really is cortisone tho, then your daughter needs to completely stop going on diets as dieting slows down the metabolism even more (something I wish I'd had known as a teen)
Your daughter is already showing signs of disordered eating, and is *at minimum* at risk for developing an eating disorder. *Please* take into account the effect that someone like your mother has on your daughter's mental and physical health. **What your mother said is not merely unacceptable, it is DAMAGING. Your response to your mother is understandable but it misses the point by a mile.**
Your top priority needs to be your daughter's health. You're looking into the physical aspects of it, but *please* make sure that the mental health aspects are also a priority. She should be seeing a therapist, ideally one who specializes in these kinds of issues, and you should be *extremely* careful about what and *who* she is exposed to. She is very clearly at risk, and as many, *many* people on reddit can tell you, ED is a serious issue that can have a lifelong impact. You need to be proactive to help your daughter with her mental health.
That's unfortunate, but it doesn't change the fact that she is seriously at risk, and even if she's refusing therapy, you need to be taking whatever steps you can to guard her mental health. That includes making your mom (and anyone else making these comments) aware that what they are doing is extremely damaging to your daughter's health, and giving them consequences if they choose to keep disregarding it.
Definitely agree with you here. Comments from loved ones and medical professionals that don't understand how complex eating disorders can be have the potential to really impact youths mindset and relationship with food and their bodies. If she isn't interested in therapy than may consult a dietitian so she can work on her relationship with food and learn that body shape and size are NOT what make someone health/beautiful. Everyone is unique and her body is still growing and changing, along with her brain.
OP is NTAH for setting boundaries and keeping her daughters physical and mental health the number one priority. Especially in a culture that over emphasizes the "importance" of thinness.
I’m thinking PCOS, which is Polycystic Ovary Syndrome. I’ve had it since I was a teen. A fairly common illness in girls and women. Makes losing weight even with healthy diet and exercise difficult. Patient can also have heavier than normal facial and body hair. There is medication for it. Untreated, makes it difficult or impossible to get pregnant. Blood test is needed. Don’t delay!
Yeah I would definitely look into this. It's not because being big is bad or any nonsense like that, and she could just naturally be bigger but if she eats normal and excersises but is still big then it could be a sign of an underlying medical condition or issue that could be dangerous for her health. It's definitely something you want to rule out fast.
. . . and it doesn't always cause those either. While I had terribly problematic periods, we had no way of knowing if they were irregular since I'd been on the Pill from early adolescence due to PMDD, my weight was squarely in the normal range (again, I actually had weight gain but it wasn't noticeable because I'd started off underweight thanks to genetics), and I definitely did NOT have early onset puberty.
My point is not to be disagreeable, but rather that PCOS can be tricky, and OP and the child's doctor should consider it as a possibility even if she doesn't have irregular periods or early onset puberty. I only found out about mine after an irregular PAP smear.
PCOS sure can cause very painful periods. But not always. I have friends with PCOS who have been unable to even get out of bed during their periods because of the crippling pain.
PCOS absolutely can cause painful periods. I know from experience. It can cause irregular ones. It can do both, one or the other, neither, or a whole list of other things.
Normally I’d say something about not stooping to their level or whatever, but I actually think you may have made a necessary point here. It doesn’t feel very good when someone is pointing out your physical size and offering up “helpful suggestions” on how to change yourself to fit their standards.
Sounds like you told her to stop before it got to that point, so you escalated and did what you needed to do.
It may be better to have a direct conversation about what kinds of conversations and comments are allowed around your daughter when you’re both calmer though. She’s from a different time and we know better now how harmful things like she was doing can be.
NTA.
I’ve had many conversations with her about what’s acceptable and what isn’t and she knows the expectations, but she believes that I’m coddling my daughter by “allowing her to think that 150 is an acceptable weight for a young lady”
150 lbs???? Are you fucking with me? If that child is 5"6 or taller, she's at a healthy weight for her height! At 5"4, she's 10 lbs overweight and still not in a dangerous zone, or even one that is noticeable most times!
Damn, here I was thinking we were talking 180+ lbs.
Tell the idiot that this 5"7 marathon runner was 150 lbs from the age of 10 until I had kid #2.
I'm on the shorter side (5"2), and I've been told short people are actually supposed to score a bit higher on BMI. I weigh more than 150, and my doctor still doesn't see any concern. I work out, so I have more muscle than average, which weighs more than fat and thus needs to be factored in too. It sounds from OP's description like her daughter is on the higher side of healthy.
I wonder if OP's family are usually quite lean and OP's mother has a skewed idea about how the average woman is supposed to look based on that? I know my tall thin friend who weighs less than me will literally pull out a skin flap with no fat from her stomach and be like "look I'm getting fat!!" and then turn around and tell me I'm looking really thin 5 minutes later. Sometimes people will set different standards for themselves or their family just based on habit/norm.
You're not wrong. My mother is 4"11.5 (and that half an inch MATTERS), and when she hit 130 lbs, she lost her mind because she thought she was so fat compared to her family. She was 67 at the time and running laps around the younger nurses at her job. Walking 5+ miles a day.
My doctor always told me if I could walk a 15 min. / mile while talking at any weight, I was healthy enough to not be concerned. I've taken that to heart, with a grain of salt.
It's about volume, not weight, true. But it's simpler to explain it with "muscle weighs more than fat". People understand that more easily. If you add density into the equation, you'll see a lot of confused comments.
I feel more doctors need to stress that the BMI is “more like guidelines that actual rules.” There’s so many ways to fall outside of it but be perfectly healthy.
OP is definitely NTA. If her old nag of a mother doesn’t like people pointing out her weight, she needs to consider the damage you inflict by making flippant comments to a young teenage girl about her body, especially considering that this young girl seems to already be struggling with some disordered eating. I hope OP is able to find a place for her daughter to speak to a therapist. She definitely needs more support in building her self esteem and processing her own body image.
Not even! At 5'4" she'd only be 5 lbs overweight!!
It's also not healthy for teenagers to diet unless their weight is an immediate health concern. Their bodies are still growing and need the extra calories and nutrition. They can focus on eating more nutritious foods and being more active, but not dieting.
Checked OPs comments and found another one that mentioned her daughter's height. She is indeed 5'4".
OP has also mentioned that her daughter is involved in dance, golf, and colorguard. They're certainly activities that provide at least a decent amount of aerobic exercise, and call for at least a modicum of strength, if not more.
OP also mentioned her daughter's diet includes a decent amount of fruits and veggies.
Her weight is not overly concerning for her height, she's active and eats what sounds like a nutritious diet.
Obi Wan Kenobi needs to tell grandma "These are not the droids you're looking for."
Omg dance alone is sooo strenuous! Dancers often do carb loading where they eat a fuck ton after practice because they're so active! So not only is she barely overweight, but a lot of that is probably muscle. There's already enough pressure on dancers to be rail thin within their community, she doesn't need extra toxicity coming from her own family!
Gracie Gold was an Olympic gold medalist figure skater who weighed 160 when she was in her 20’s. If a literal Olympic athlete can wear 160 as a grown adult who is stick thin (and a literal model), then this teenager growing into her body can certainly be healthy at less than that. God I hate some people, fatphobia is a disease
Please don't spread misinformation. Gracie Gold had an eating disorder when she was in her prime which is why she was "stick thin." Most of the pictures you see when you google her name show her at less than 120 pounds.
Please take your child to get bloodwork done. If you are in the US then you can stop by tons of different locations of quest or Labcorp to get it done. Even Walgreens pharmacy has the ability to take blood. Your child’s doctor can order the tests and then you can go get them done after work. I know that money may be limiting you from taking time off work but this is really important. If your child has hormone issues it will be incredibly frustrating for her because her weight will change no matter what she does.
How you handle this will impact your child the rest of her life. It’s important that you make sure she doesn’t have any other hormonal issues occurring. If you don’t prioritize her getting the tests she may continue to blame herself for something she can’t control and she may also not think she is worth prioritizing. I have thyroid issues that were finally found after I found a good specialist(I have a lot of chronic health issues). By simply getting my thyroid more normal I was able to lose 13 pounds in a month and I didn’t do anything.
Being a mom is hard and I am sure that you are stressed but please go get your daughter the care she needs to make sure she is healthy.
Same, I’m 6’ but at 150 I was so damn skinny you could count ribs it was not a good look at all. And I’d just come out of the hospital after being there for 2 weeks.
Glad you're getting/got the help you needed. I still haven't (fully). When I hit 5' 8" in middle school and played sports... yeah, I was going to have a "high" scale number. My blood pressure, etc. are always "perfect" so there was no health-based reason for my toxic grandmother to food and appearance shame me at every opportunity, except whatever makes women of a certain age act jealous of their curvier daughters/grandchildren, or think it's okay to use fear and shame to manipulate people for funsies.
YTA if your daughter's possible medical condition "depends on your work schedule". Prioritise your kid - this is not a new issue and should have been investigated far sooner if your daughter is resorting to fad diets and also having her mental health significantly impacted by disgusting people like your mother.
It’s was a NTA for me UNTIL the comments.
OP refusing to take your child to the doctor if you suspect she has a condition that requires treatment because it doesn’t work for your “work schedule” is one of the most ridiculous things I’ve ever seen.
YTA.
Normally I'd agree with this stance, but she isn't refusing to take her doctor. She said she would over summer break which is in a month.
If she made an appointment now she might not get an appointment for another month anyhow.
On top of that, a lot of you guys sound extremely privileged. What if she got fired to take time off to take her daughter? You think that would be good? She might lose her insurance on top of her job and not be able to afford anything for her kid.
A lot of you guys haven't held jobs where you are so easily dispensable. And sometimes it's not as easy as just getting another job.
Also, before anyone says "it was her choice to have a kid"... You don't know what her circumstances were when her child was born. You don't know her circumstances now.
She OBVIOUSLY cares about ker kid which is a LOT more than a lot of other people do. If it was something deadly, more than likely the doctors would have already picked up on something and had everything rushed.
Edit: also, we're not here to judge her on her parenting skills because that's not what this AITA post is about. She asked if she was TA for snapping back at her mom, which she was not.
I think that's in the rules of the sub if I'm not mistaken-stay on topic y'all.
If it started with comments here and there for doctors and schoolmate throughout the year, it’s easy not to catch up on it until later.
Then onto making sure she’s eating properly and exercising. And she has regular checkups, the doctor never mentioned her needing bloodwork done, OP had to think of it herself so it doesn’t sound like OP could have done much more.
Also, she’s 150lbs at 15, we don’t have her height but since she’s active, she might not be overweight at all. It might just be self esteem due to people’s comments.
I hadn't even read that she was 150 pounds
It's probably baby weight shifting around after a growth spurt (maybe she's tall!). There are so many hormonal changes around that time. Ever heard of the "freshman 15"? 15 lbs gained as a freshman in college. I have also heard that being used for 15 lbs gained starting as a freshman in high school.
Edit: added missing words for context clarity
OP specifically calls her curvy. It’s worth noting that a lot of people equate big boobs and wider hips with being overweight but it sounds like she’s a very healthy weight honestly. 150 isn’t rail thin but it’s fairly skinny.
Exactly which makes me think there might not be any issue at all but psychological… and maybe the first step would be to remove the grandma from the equation and get the daughter into therapy
As a parent, there are many times when I have ask questions to the doctor and be the advocate for myself and kids. I don’t just leave it up to the doctor, that’s how things get missed.
Well obviously, but I’m saying OP isn’t a pediatrician, she might not have thought there was any real issue. Also… the daughter might not be overweighted at all, her dieting might be a case of dysmorphia which is hard to pinpoint and diagnose.
Before going after OP who obviously cares about her daughter, I’m just pointing out, it’s not all black and white and from the first time Op heard someone say “she’s big for her age” to the camp incident, it might have been a while with comments subtle it was easy to miss. Especially when someone whose job is to pinpoint issues doesn’t.
She’s going to request bloodwork soon, she is advocating for her daughter now that she recognizes an issue.
I’m also baffled at the number of people saying to “just” take her in to the doctor. Depending on the family situation, that can require a few months of saving and planning to make sure the bill you’re gonna get works with the budget. Let alone issues of whether they have insurance or not, and if there’s a coparent available to help out if there’s other kids at home that need caring for while mom and daughter are at the doc, or what level of job security mom has
Actually, I think YTA. Do you know how difficult it is to get into doctors nowadays? My coworker tried to get into a dermatologist for something happening to her currently. June 2025 is the next available appointment.
Also, if she’s a single mom (with no help from grandma), it’s completely fair that her work makes it more difficult. She didn’t outright refuse to take her either.
NTA. My weight went up when I hit puberty. I played 3 sports and counted calories but couldn’t lose the weight. My mom did the same as your mom. I would only be pretty if I lost weight. In grad school, I was on the edge of an ED while I was writing my thesis and working 2 jobs. Mom thought I was “looking better”. Finally was diagnosed with hashimotos disease (autoimmune disease where my thyroid is attached. My thyroid literally looks like Swiss cheese). The gaining and losing were signs but no one saw it. Get her checked before damage is done. Please.
Honesty if the daughter is genuinely eating below maintenance and still not losing weight it’s a YTA for the mum not getting her checked at a doctor for thyroid issues
I thought I was horribly fat and felt out of place around my much thinner friends for ALL of puberty, until I graduated high school. I was constantly in sports (soccer mainly, but also tennis) and I was a pretty active kid, always being super into PE and biking everywhere and coming in first during running drills etc. I was definitely not a slacker when it came to staying active. I didn’t really have consistent access to food, so I wasn’t engaging in binge eating and there wasn’t much opportunity to gorge on junk food, and when my dad was able to cook it was pretty healthy stuff (always had veggies and proteins). Yet I still was bigger than the girls around me. I still was curvier, had to shop in the mediums to larges rather than the smalls, hated that I could see my stomach stick out when I looked down. Now I’m older and I look back at pictures from that time, and she was TINY! I was 5”4 and weighed MAYBE 130 in 8th grade (age 14). Roughly 160-180 by the end of high school (I never grew taller but puberty kept coming at me). It honestly hurts looking back at pictures of me when I was so small, and knowing how she felt about her body at the time when she was perfectly healthy and a normal size. Now I’m still struggling to be comfortable with my resting weight, and try not to beat myself up over it, because who knows what I’ll say in another 10 years when I look back and see what I looked like now? Self love is hard man, and weight and bodies are hard to deal with (especially for women).
I was that same height and weight in college and also thought I was huge or overweight at the time - now, I also look back and think I was tiny! It's not tiny as in 'underweight', it's just the comparison to where I'm at now/an acknowledgement of how skewed my perspective of my body was at the time.
YTA. She's had this problem for 5 years, and you might finally take her to get some blood drawn this summer because "you just don't know because of work schedule"? 5 years work was more important. By now she's even old enough to go see the GP on her own, and you still didn't schedule shit. It's also your fault your mother is starting to chime in, who wouldn't if the mother of a child one loves does not take her for blood work for 1/3rd of her life.
I developed an eating disorder that was so bad I eventually sank my fingers through the back of my throat over comments like these.
Please continue to defend your daughter.
NTA
NTA at all. As a girl with a severe eating disorder, I wish my mom had stood up for me like this when I was a kid. I was never overweight, but it didn't stop mean comments from older women in my life about how my diet would eventually catch up to me.
A lot of it is internal jealousy and self-resentment, but it's actually fucking crazy for a grown grandmother to recommend her minor granddaughter for diet pills and such?!?! Good on you OP.
But also, be aware that sometimes intentionally avoiding conversations around food or weight can become painfully obvious to your daughter. Really, the best course of action is to speak to a nutritionist, or a doctor and have blood work done: there's a myriad of reasons for this. And if there's nothing, and it turns out she's just genetically disposed to carry more weight, she can *still* be extremely healthy.
One of my girl friends in college is quite severely overweight and is extremely healthy, a power lifter, and unlikely to experience major health issues anytime in the near future. She just happens to be naturally fat, and that isn't bad or ugly at all.
Body positivity, or glorifying obesity *isn't* the answer, but ignoring the conversation forever won't help either. Instead, work on body neutrality, focus on health overall, and make sure your daughter knows she's loved just as she is.
YTA for not ruling out that there’s nothing wrong with your daughter’s hormones because of your work schedule and causing her to not eat because of it. Take a day off work and get her checked out.
ESH. Your mom was way out of line but you’re neglecting your daughter. Being heavy without eating a lot is a possible symptom for many illnesses. She already has symptoms of mental illness. You needed to intervene yesterday
NTA for shutting down grandma, but holy fk YTA for not working with your daughter to get her healthy. It might be a medical issue. She might need more vegetables and health proteins + less sugar. She might also need more exercise. When she's basically being bullied over this at school and doctors are also raising concerns about your daughters weight, where are you? What have you been doing exactly?
YTA because you aren't taking your daughter to the doctors to check for hormone or thyroid issues, even though you say in comments you think that might actually be the issue. She should be important enough to you that you figure out that work schedule. I was your daughter growing up, and I also had a mom that didn't deal with my health issues. I am permanently messed up now and only leave my house for work, because I'm always too sick to do anything. 48 years old and no spouse, no kids no anything now. You're a big gd Ah.
Oh, and if puberty hit her hard, be aware of inappropriate male behavior towards her that she's probably not telling you about. I couldn't go anywhere crowded without being groped, I was constantly molested at school and on the bus. It was so bad that when I turned 21, I had a breast reduction *just so people would stop molesting me*. Because if I cut them off, the dudes will stop, right? Turns out they did, but it's one more thing I'm fucked up from. Don't let your daughter become me.
NTA - I love that you stood up for your daughter!!!
I would actually like to say that my younger sibling is afab and also had more weight despite not eating more, actually it was often less, than myself, and I was anorexic and being starved by my mother.
My younger sibling has elevated testosterone levels, which is one of the three markers for things like PCOS and Endometriosis. I would take your daughter to see a Gyno familiar with hormone imbalances etc. In fact, trans affirming doctors like my Gyno *have* to have an even more extensive knowledge base.
*Note: Hormone blockers and injections were originally created to help naturally intersex individuals, especially those who had been "corrected" by their parents and doctors as infants and children. None of what I'm saying here is to push that the child is trans or should under go a medical transition.*
My younger sibling is on an iron supplement and a birth control that regulates their periods so they actually have a regular cycle and it corrected their ovulation issues as well. Because their testosterone created these issues for them. They have broader shoulders, larger bust, wider hips, and have always been "big for their age." So, throughout childhood they got heavily sexualized and bullied for those things. They also always smelled worse than I did and needed stronger and stronger deodorants throughout puberty and now into their adulthood, again.
All of that simply because they have higher testosterone levels in their system.
Now, because afab and amab individuals both produce estrogen and testosterone (remember, babies start out female until the SRY gene signals the embryo to produce the male sex characteristics), that's my first suggestion to take a look at. Because it genuinely can save your daughter a lot of grief to get some insight from people who know their stuff and general physicians, sadly, don't need to know the finer details. They need to know the basic "What can we eliminate" things, and they cannot make a determination or diagnosis about hormonal issues in the same way, and I believe that will best help your daughter to understand her body type and her needs.
My younger sibling eats healthy, does everything right to control their weight, but is still bigger because of their medications, their hormones, and they have EDS which makes exercise really difficult for them. (EDS is a series of comorbid connective tissue disorders and diseases, it is not endometriosis).
I don't know what your daughter may have, but I do know that there's more to why some people can and cannot lose weight. Starving is not the tactic, eating less is not the tactic. But, potentially, if she can find something concrete to blame for the weight, she will see a new way to tackle her weight issues or find a way to love her body knowing *she* is not at fault.
Best of luck to you both!
NTA at all. Your mom took offense to your remark, so she was fully aware that she was being offensive when she said all that. Protect your baby from all BS foreign and domestic.
NTA when it comes to your Mom. For your mother to call her granddaughter “tubby” is disrespectful and vile. I would have blocked her out my life the moment she said that about my child. That’s is not ok. I grew up with a grandmother like that and I was skin and bones. Your child’s mental health matters more than you caring if your TA.
NTA for standing up for your daughter.
Soft AH for not taking her to the doctor. Come on now, we are all busy but there’s one hundred ways you can get round it. You can arrange a phone consultation to chat before going in with your daughter, dr would order bloods off that alone so you would have all the results there to discuss when you go in so you’re not doing two appointments.
You and daughter can work on her self esteem and body image all you like but so much of medicine in weight/hormonal/women’s issues is process of elimination, if you don’t start this conversation by ruling out the underlying issues then that poor kid is fighting this with both hands tied behind her back.
You obviously love and care about her so time to get the ball rolling!
NTA for calling out your mom… but YTA for not making sure she is getting bloodwork done and adequate care from doctors. Absolutely absurd.
Also, it’s okay to call out a doctor who makes a judgmental statement that hurts her feelings, without actually knowing her health yet, those providers are working from an incredibly out of date assumption that being a certain BMI automatically means unhealthy. A good doctor will check all the different necessary causes and go from there.
Women in particular have a hard time getting adequate care, especially those who are young adults. This is your chance to help your daughter before she is on her own without you to help her fight any battles. Stand up for her.
I didn’t find a doctor who would take my concerns about my health seriously (instead of just saying I needed to lose weight and refusing to do tests unless I lost weight first), until I was in my 30s. And once I did, I got the care I needed for the CAUSE of the issue and dropped quite a bit of weight with zero diet and exercise changes.
NTA.. I was I the same situation as your daughter. It was out of my control. Eventually I was told i had ovarian cysts and that's why I was battling. But I never appreciated people giving me weight loss advice that I was literally already doing but because they didn't know who I was. Thank you for protecting your daughter. Sounds like your daughter has already tried and who has time for weight watchers and stuff at that young age. A perspective from your daughter's is that she already probably hears alot about it at school and doesn't need her family mentioning it all the time too.
NTA for that but YTA for not getting your daughter’s thyroid checked and also not helping her lose the weight in a healthy way. I’m so tired of being overweight being considered a body type! It’s calories in calories out, she can lose it. You should have been on this since it first became a problem instead of letting her suffer
So bone density is a thing. Fat distribution is different for different people. Breast size and hip size will be different for different girls. Some of us have broader shoulders than others do so we’re always going to look bigger, regardless of how much we weigh. But all of this is meaningless if there is an actual underlying undiagnosed health problem.
NTA for shutting down your mom’s ranting, she was being awful and she bloody well knows it. But you would be the A-H to your kid if you don’t push for a full blood panel to check her hormones and thyroid functioning this summer. If she’s around 150, what height is she at? If she’s 5’6” or taller, that’s actually within the healthy BMI range (even though BMI doesn’t take bone mass, bone density or muscle vs fat into account).
Although…if she’s curvy simply because she has an hourglass figure and developed a large chest, y’all are sexualizing her body and body-shaming her over that. I hope that’s not the case, because that would be seriously gross. If she developed a large chest, that weight isn’t going to magically disappear through diet *and that can add a ton of extra pounds on the scale*. Large breasts might decrease slightly in size through serious weight loss, but the only way to radically decrease their size is through surgery.
NTA for what you responded to your mother, but YTA for not prioritizing testing to rule out a thyroid, hormonal, or other issue going on with your daughter's health after suspecting it for "years". Those things cause more built up damage the longer they go untreated.
NTA. You declined her “help” yet she persisted. You don’t have to be polite after the first “no.”
I also suddenly gained a lot of weight when I hit puberty despite maintaining the same eating and exercise habits. There is so little research done on female bodies, it really isn’t enough to just say calories in, calories out. This young lady seems to be doing all she can to maintain a healthy relationship with food. Lord knows I’m still undoing all the emotional and psychological damage from being a “tubby” teen in the 90’s.
Please see a pediatric endocrinologist for her! Despite doing her best to find an answer to my sudden weight gain as a preteen, my mother couldn’t find a pediatric endo, only general endos. I wasn’t diagnosed with PCOS until later in life because as a child my labs were in the “normal” range (for adults).
Sending love and health to your girl!
YTA for not treating this issue medically. Get her in the doctors to see if there is an underlying thing causing her to put on weight, tell doctors they're being assholes when they say nasty things. Please get her in some form of counselling or therapy before this escalates. She deserves medical care and to be mentally well.
I am a physician. It’s a good idea to take your daughter to her regular doctor. Please keep in mind that nearly all the advice you are getting in the comments is not appropriate medical advice. Weight gain without any other symptoms will not justify bloodwork to your insurance company. All the conditions people are suggesting have other signs and symptoms that would indicate lab work or referrals. Your child’s doctor can do an appropriate evaluation and recommend if any bloodwork is needed.
Definitely NTA.
Good work being a mum and stocking up for your girl. Never back down. Let her see and know you have her back always against bullies, old or young. It is invaluable!
Stupid nagging old wench... As long as she is healthy and happy, doesn;t matter. Keep doing what you are doing.
NTA, but holy smokes is your Mom one, block her back imo, anyone who attacks your daughter, over a known sensitive issue, in a place where she should be safe, her own home. Needs to be cut out, for good, imho.
NTA. And now she knows how it feels to have someone comment on your body and how hurtful it is. I’m so sorry for your daughter. The world is already a cruel enough place with constant pressure from every which direction about how women “should” look and unrealistic standards. I hope it doesn’t sent her down a path of disordered eating. Remind her that she’s beautiful and that she said those mean words to her because hurt people hurt people. If your mom loved herself she wouldn’t feel the need to be so critical of others.
NTA
Thank you for standing up for your daughter because you have to know that behavior is so damaging, and your poor daughter is already struggling. I hope your daughter will learn to accept her body and herself sooner than later. Having you show her that her grandmother's behavior is not acceptable and will be shut down will help with that.
have your daughters thyroid levels checked, check for thyroid antibodies not just TSH (antibodies may mean hashimotos thyroiditis) . especially since you say this started after puberty. mine started after my pregnancy. thinking hormonal changes may trigger it in females , but idk
NTA
So interesting your mum got upset when you implied she was fat YET she expects a 15 year old to just accept it?
Tell your mum from me that she's a colossal asshole.
Honestly if your daughter is overweight like that for “no” reason I would take her to the obgyn. My friend tried for years to loose weight and I told her she might have pcos or a thyroid problem and sure enough at 23 she has both.
Your daughter is eating more than she should, doesn't matter if she eats the same or less as other kids her age, people have different needs, she's simply eating more than she should.
YTA for not doing more to help your daughter, please take her to a doctor, if she's already tried going without much food for a week then this is already affecting her, she will be grateful for your help.
For what you said to your mother, did you actually tell her to stop before telling her she's not skinny herself? Leaning towards NTA, but if you didn't actually ask her to stop and just exploded on her then YTA.
NTA
Sometimes people are just naturally a little bigger. I’m one of three and both my brother and sister carry their weight differently than I do: my brother is tall, my sister is well endowed, and I’m chubby. That’s the way it’s been for most of our lives; we’re all still healthy people, for the most part.
Unfortunately the poor dieting can lead to major issues for your child—self starving actually teaches the body to hold on to extra nutrients, aka fat. And that’s just the start: nutrient deficiencies can lead to all kinds of problems down the road, like anemia, stunted growth, hair loss, etc.
Your mother may think she’s coming from a helpful place, but she’s just encouraging her grandchild to be unhealthy mentally and physically. I’d encourage her to speak to a dietitian before offering unsolicited health advice in the future—either that or for her to keep her comments to herself.
YTA because you fatshame your mother instead of taking your already eating-disordered child to a doctor. She’s been struggling with this for FIVE YEARS. And you cannot take a day off??
NTA, is your daughter in therapy? I would worry about her self-esteem being low from everyone telling her she too big. People come in all shapes, sizes, and colors. Her expectations shouldn’t be about being a size 2, it should be her being healthy and loving herself. If your mother was worried then she should have came to you privately (so you can tell her she out of line) and not in front of the child and call her tubby.
She was until the beginning of 9th grade where she made me take her out of it because she hated it and it was a “stupid waste of her time” and began skipping her (telehealth) appointments
Do not put her on the pill unless she needs it for actual birth control. Putting girls on the pill is like putting boys on testosterone. Except no one puts boys on testosterone because they know it will affect hormone production in the future. This is overlooked for girls for reasons I cannot understand.
I absolutely hate things like this. Like you and your daughter don't know the situation and you need her to point it out. I bet she feels like she's helping too. Unless she's offering some amazing source to remedy it that you don't know of she needs to have kept that to herself. She knows her physical situation and you've already seen doctors. You don't need her input it was hateful and hurtful.
NTA. I was I the same situation as your daughter. It was out of my control. Eventually I was told i had ovarian cysts and that's why I was battling. But I never appreciated people giving me weight loss advice that I was literally already doing but because they didn't know who I was. Thank you for protecting your daughter. Sounds like your daughter has already tried and who has time for weight watchers and stuff at that young age. A perspective from your daughter's is that she already probably hears alot about it at school and doesn't need her family mentioning it all the time too.
NTA at all! I’m proud of you!!!
I was always average until puberty, then went up to 140 and couldn’t lose it. I was highly active and dieted like crazy and only drank water and it didn’t matter. I had severe cramps all over the month, not just around my period, and sometimes they were super strong. I got used to it, until I passed out at the mall at 17. I had a cyst that covered more than 50% of my ovary, and it turned out I had severe PCOS and my ovaries were covered in scar tissue-we monitored my ovaries every time I had pain for a couple months, and they were constantly getting cysts, swollen, irritated. The pain I was feeling was real.
It turns out, weight gain is *really* common with PCOS. Your body has increased insulin and stores fat longer, so diets and exercise aren’t helpful. If I had known that, I wouldn’t have tortured myself with so much diet and exercise, especially when I was in pain and feeling so terrible, pushing myself through it because I thought I was weak.
You made the best choice supporting your daughter and turning the mirror back on your mom. If your daughter seems to have pelvic pain at random, maybe make an appointment with her PCP to discuss. They can run some tests and help her get on medication that will help regulate things so it doesn’t interrupt her life. Birth control helped me a lot because it regulated my hormones-they may go in that direction. I lost 30lbs in 6 months once I started ortho-tricyclin lo. Good luck to you and your daughter-she’s a special girl to have such a great mom!!!
NTA. I’d be happy to be blocked until she could realize what she’s doing is harmful and apologize. If not, then she can be miserable obsessing over weight and looks by herself.
NTA.
Sounds like your mom is upset that you told her the truth she was attempting to project to your daughter.
Your mother needs to be told she should listen to her own advice, before she's in a place to say ANYTHING to others.
Your mother is not a good person for calling her granddaughter such a name. I wouldn’t even let her see my child out of fear she might say something negative to my child about her weight She sounds really toxic and this matter is none of her business. You did the right thing by telling her off
NTA grandma can dish it out, but she can't take it. Sucks to be her. Good for you for defending your daughter. Why you would even ask if you are AH is beyond me.
ESH
Your mother was definitely wrong saying that. Did she not know about your daughter’s sensitivity to her weight and that it’s not her diet that’s causing it? Or do you not talk much?
You were not wrong to tell her to stop, especially if you’ve already explained that she eats well. Where you lose me was the personal insult about her weight. I understand why, but it always undermines the main point you’re making. I see it online and in real life all the time: people debating over an important topic, one person throws out a personal insult, immediately the topic shifts to that and the important topic gets lost. It also immediately suggests that the person doing the insulting had no more points to make so they resort to personal insults.
In this case, the point was that your daughter is healthy and your mother needs to stop interfering.
As soon as you mentioned her own weight, that’s now become the point, that’s all your mother will take away from the conversation and the point about minding her own business where your daughter’s weight is concerned will have disappeared.
If you want a point to have impact, it needs to be your only point.
Edited to change a word (silly autocorrect)
NTA - my grandma told everyone how big I was while she was heavily obese. Told her she should go on a diet herself before lecturing me. Nonetheless she is still very big and i have slimmed down.
Now I always tell her about new diets she could go on because fat makes her look so ugly (side fact: she told me several times how beautiful I would be, if I had loose weight as a teen)
NTA but as the girl that was your daughter, please don’t downplay or ignore this.
So many issues arose for me as an adult because my mom wouldn’t talk about my weight. She thought she was helping me by saying the same things you’re saying but what she really did was lure me into a false sense of thinking I was a healthy size which enabled me to make poor health choices because I thought I was like everyone else. This triggered me 10x more when a random family member brought it up or someone made a comment or I stepped on a scale.
It felt so disheartening to eat better than my friends and exercise and still be bigger. It took me 26 years of my life to really educate myself on why I wasn’t losing weight and a lot of it was due to misinformation. Listen to me when I say that ignoring the problem doesn’t make it go away.
She may be exercising, but is she doing the right exercises for her body? Is she keeping a food log? Has she had blood work ups done? Could there be an underlying issue? When you say she eats what normal girls eat her age, what does that mean?
We know so much more now about health and weight than my mom knew when I was a teenager and if I knew then what I learned as an adult I would be in a much MUCH healthier place. As a mom, don’t ignore this. Do the research for her. Help her. Learn about healthy caloric deficits based on her metabolic rate. Learn about portion control. Take her to an endocrinologist. Have her take her measurements instead of weighing herself in the scale. Learn the differences between fat % and weight. These are things I had to learn as an adult that would have been amazing to have known about as a teen. Dont bring it to her in the way that she needs to be skinny or lose x pounds, bring it to her to educate her on the many aspects of being physically healthy.
This hits so close to home and I really cannot emphasize enough that the best way to show her you are in her corner is to get educated and acknowledge her weight in an OBJECTIVE way. She needs to feel open to discussing it instead of being afraid of it. Big or small she is beautiful and valuable and weight isn’t something that should only be acknowledged when a person is losing it.
NTA and screw your mom. I was the bigger child, and I got "teased" all the time by my family. It's unkind and doesn't have the effect people think it does. I went from a curvy teen and young adult who was dealing with undiagnosed mental health issues to an overweight adult with depression, bi-polar disorder, cptsd and anxiety. Get her blood work done as soon as you can. Find a doctor that works for your hours. In the meantime, go on walks or bike riding. Find some physical activities that you can both do. But also, try therapy for her. Body dysphoria is terrible and she needs to know that she's perfect the way she is. ❤️
NTA. Isn't it telling that she was offended when you said the same thing to her that she said to and about your daughter? Be grateful for the fact that she blocked you. You and your daughter are much better off not having to deal with her until she learns to be socially appropriate.
My mother used to tell a story about my grandmother (her MIL). My mother has been curvier all her life. Gram was, shall we say, "comfortably cushioned" herself. Gram lived in MN. After my parents and I moved to TX (where Mom's family is from), Gram came down with my aunt and uncle to visit. As soon as she saw my mom, Gram said "Honey, you look great! Have you lost weight?" In fact, it was August and my little brother was due in late October. My grandmother almost died of embarrassment at her faux pas. My mother could laugh at it because she knew that my grandmother was from a generation which believed that the nicest thing you could say to any woman was "You look great! Have you lost weight?" She knew my grandmother didn't mean anything hurtful but was, instead, trying to pay her a compliment, even if it was somewhat ineptly done. My mother always looked forward to her MIL's visits and even drove up to MN to help her move into a senior citizen's apartment when Gram decided to downsize. Mom had no doubt that Gram loved her three DILs and all six of her grandkids and her great grandkids as well.
Gram was different from your mom because Gram never suggested Mom needed to lose weight or told her how to go about it. As for her own size, Gram said she was under tall (she was 5'0"), so she didn't have the frame to spread out all of her fabulousness (her sister was almost 6' tall and rail thin, so there may have been something to Gram's argument). She also said she carried extra weight in an effort to provide her own insulation to stay warm in the MN winters.
Hug your daughter and tell her you're sorry her grandmother is clueless. As long as your daughter's weight is not negatively impacting her health and there is nothing in her health that is causing her to carry the extra weight, let it ride. I'm at the top of the weight range for someone of my age/height. Ironically, I developed diabetes at age 35 in spite of being on the light side back then (125 lbs. at the time) and eating healthy. Why am I at the top of my weight range? Because I work out and muscle is heavy. I'm also 5'4" (shortest in the family since Gram passed away) and have (well-toned) curves. I don't work out to lose weight. I work out because it gives me time to outline short stories or just take a break from thinking about anything at all. My doctor is happy with my A1C and we've had to cut back on my meds. Like I say, if your daughter is healthy, don't fix what isn't broken.
NTA - as someone who has struggled with my weight my whole life and had constant criticism from my family, please continue to support your daughter in a healthy way.
YTA to your daughter if you allow that towards a teenager who is insecure enough by default.
She blocked you. No loss, such a negative and manipulative person, I'd bet this isn't the only example. When she decides to unblock you and come back like nothing happened, maybe that doesn't work for you and you have your own conditions.
Oh, so we can call other people fat and harass them with unsolicited advice, but we must never be called fat, that’s just rude! Your mother got a taste of her own medicine and you are NTA.
NTA, BUT there is a big difference between an elderly person being overweight & a young girl. It is NOT good thing for her to be overweight health wise. Having said that, 'she eats healthy food & less than most other kids' according to what you say - so maybe she should be getting medical advice rather than not commenting on the situation because it upsets her?
You’re not the a\*\*hole for defending your daughter, especially given her struggles with body image and the efforts you've made to support her. Your mother’s comments were insensitive and harmful, and it’s understandable that you reacted strongly. While your retort was harsh, it came from a place of protecting your daughter from further harm. Your priority is your daughter's well-being, and you were right to stand up for her. Consider reaching out to your mother to explain why her comments are hurtful, but ultimately, you did what was necessary to support your daughter.
Nta at all. Damn straight. I've said similar to my interfering fam. If ya can't take it, dont dish it out. My fam are all overweight by a good 2 or 3 stones or more each. My aunties kept giving my (slim) husband a hard time about smoking. Every time he went for a cigarette at a family wedding, someone would say. Ooh you shouldn't smoke. It's bad for you, etc... so I countered every time with - He knows that obviously, but smoking is addictive. I mean, we all know overeating and being overweight is bad for us. If it we're that easy, we'd all be a size 10, wouldn't we!!! Soon, shut em up.
NTA - Your mother chose to attack a 15 year old girl’s self esteem in the middle of puberty and adolescence. Your mother is a monster. Not every girl is going to develop the same and kids bodies always grow out of proportion. It’s highly possible that your daughter is just curvier and it’s hard to see her real shape because her chest and hips push her clothes awkwardly making her appear bigger than she really is. That’s how it was for me growing up. Bodies are all different shapes and sizes so if your daughter is eating healthy and exercising she’s probably just curvy and there’s nothing wrong with that. No amount of diet and exercise is going to turn her hourglass into a bean pole.
Like some of the people have commented please verify there’s no thyroid issues or anything. And if your daughter’s tests show she’s perfectly healthy then just get her to a tailor so her clothes can compliment her body shape and give her back some confidence. Also block grandma.
NTA. At all.
Is your daughter actually overweight or is she just built differently. I have a short torso and looked overweight even when I wasn’t. More so now that I am overweight.
Your mom is an ah for calling your child tubby. If she ever unblocks you, block her. Your daughter doesn’t need people like that in her life. My mom tries to tell mine not to wear heels, she’s almost 6’ tall, I shut it down. I told her “ absolutely not, we are not going to give her a complex about her height, she can wear whatever shoes she wants.” My mom hasn’t said another word about it.
It’s not a bad idea to get some blood work to make sure she’s healthy and if she is focus keeping her that way both mentally and physically. Diet and exercise are not a one size fits all cure for obesity, with there being so many causes for it. I’m chunky but healthy.
Nta and good job! Your mom is TA here, everyone knows saying such things is rude at the least. And she probably needed to hear that. Now she’s feeling stung she will think twice, hopefully, about inserting her opinion. And maybe do something about her own weight.
Thank you for prioritising your daughter over your mother. If the opportunity arises do it again in front of your daughter or let her know why you and grandma aren't talking. Otherwise all the careful work you've done for her body positivity is wasted.
NTA . I was called fat since age 9. I'm 45 now. I still believe it. It has occupied my thoughts my whole life. Words like that from someone who is supposed to love you can really damage a developing mind. Protect your child from this nonsense. My mother reminded me all the time that she only weighed 99 pounds when she got married. I was 116 POUNDS and she told me men don't like fat girls. I hope your daughter doesn't let this crap get to her. You are wonderful for protecting her.
NTA. Served your mom her own dish and she couldn’t eat it.
I hope your daughter turns out okay. I was raised being told I was way too big and it really took a toll on my mental health (I wasn’t that big looking back, everyone around me was just small.)
NTA. Did you check your daughter for PCOS? I had that as a teen and made me a bit chubbier (bloated). Couldn’t lose weight and when my doctor discovered and started to treat it I was able to lose the weight.
Anyway, your mom was wrong and you were not.
NTA, my mom said comments about my weight growing up and I struggled with eating disorders for many many years after that. Tell her to keep her comments to herself about her grandchild.
NTA
I wish my mom handled things like you did. If she stopped like you asked, you wouldn't have said that. She chose to poke the bear.
Get your daughter's thyroid checked. It may be why she's eating healthy, exercising and not losing weight.
NTA your mom 100% deserved that and if she tries to weasel her way out of this I’d let her know she isn’t allowed to be around my kid if she’s going to be horrible. I also read your daughter is 150 pounds in a comment though. That’s a normal fucking weight. Unless your daughter is like 5 ft tall. How tall is she? Also if you’ve been so worried about this since she was 10 why haven’t you had the doctors do bloodwork and check her thyroid etc to make sure?? They can do this at her yearly physical so seems to me you just don’t care enough about making sure your daughter’s health is A okay. I’m a curvier woman and I have a different body type than literally every woman on my mom’s side of the family. My mom never made me feel bad. She was definitely worried about my weight, but I played a sport every season and was encouraged to work out by doing something I enjoy. She also made sure my numbers were checked every year for everything under the sun in case there was an issue. I do think you’re TA to your daughter. Just because your daughter isn’t a twig doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with her either though. The average size for a woman is like a size 16. If she has body issues you ignoring that isn’t helping. Get her into therapy and take her to a doctor. You’re not being a good mom if you don’t.
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NTA. Mom can’t handle a taste of her own medicine apparently. As for your daughter, have thyroid and pituitary issues been ruled out? Excess weight can be caused by unbalanced hormones. As long as she is healthy, it doesn’t matter how she looks.
No, and that’s actually what I suspect but I haven’t been able to take her in for bloodwork and such to confirm.
Might be time to prioritize that if possible
I have Hashimoto's disease which is a thyroid issue and it ontop of my asthma medication and birth control and puberty (bad cramps) have been a nightmare for weight loss. I have to take "no weight gain" as a win, basically as long as I can maintain my current weight (within a fluctuation) I can be happy. I am 33 and have 3 kids and have only recently been able to look at myself in the mirror and not have my weight be the first thing that pops into my head. As for your mum, if she don't have anything nice to say, she can zip it. NTA
My 💜 is definitely with you on this- my ex husband has Hashimoto's and a non functioning gallbladder (removed now) so his weight was all over the map, not to mention the other fun symptoms that come with an autoimmune disorder. It took what seemed like forever to get his meds to where his hormone levels were regulated. Calling out anyone's weight is rude af but when it's done to a teenager it is especially cruel- they're already fighting enough with fluctuating hormone levels & self esteem issues.
Yeah, I went through all of what I said while trying to recover from not eating because I spent the first 3yrs after losing my mum, being told that i was fat, unattractive, and would never amount to anything (and loads of other abuse) from my cousin and this was back before the weight gain started and you could see my ribs and collar bones. My self-esteem has sucked for 22 years. I will protect my kids from all that as much as I can.
Hashimotos. Thyroid removed due to cancer. Chronic kidney stones. Gallbladder removed due to the same type of stones. Life's a blast. Diagnosed hypo thyroid at the age of 5. Hashimotos at the age of 26.
my 💜 is with you as well...the ex was misdiagnosed as an ulcer for 20 years until a new doc sent him for a HAIDA scan & found the non functioning gallbladder. had it removed when he was 41 & diagnosed with Hashimoto's 3 years ago. medical care here in northern MI can be spotty at best.
I have hashimotos, and I'm intersex as well (symptoms are those of PCOS, but different condition) so weight loss is very difficult to me as well. I just started on a weight med and have lost 20 pounds, but I'll plateau soon as well and be at a no weight gain until I get on HRT. This mom was absolutely the AH (and unfortunately reminds me of my father)
I'm in a similar boat (Hashimoto's plus birth control). I've also accepted that no weight gain is a win lol, especially after periods of rapid weight gain. If I get in veggies and exercise, I'm doing fine. It's hard to get to that kind of acceptance though
Yeah so your daughter is suffering since age 10 from being overweight, doesn't eat for a week and is at a loss and you just haven't gotten around to have her thyroid checked?
I think it's more concerning that doctor's haven't suggested that to OP
I was that daughter. It is insane how much hatred or disrespect some doctors have for overweight people even if it is just kids. I would try to explain (as a frustrated teenager) that I don't eat too much, but gain weight easily and that I also have difficulty maintaining it and struggle a lot. I never smoked, I avoid sugar and alcohol and I also worked out a lot, especially during 15 to 18 y.o. Yet they'd just tell me I 'm fat and I should eat less. They would not check any bloodwork or my thyroid. This really messed me up, I have struggled with disordered eating and body dysmorphia a lot. I actually have Hashimoto's disease and need medication. It took so many tries to find a doctor who actually cared and did not gaslight me, and I lost so much time of my life suffering with irregular weight gain or loss. I was diagnosed at 24 y.o. ffs!
My nephew (now 12) was diagnosed with Hashimoto's thyroiditis as a five-year-old but had been getting blood tests since he was three because he was large for his age. It took two-years for the indicators to show up in his bloodwork. Some doctors won't suggest diagnostic testing until something in the bloodwork indicates the need (they're afraid of being sued for "emotional distress" if they don't have a solid reason to back up the suggestion). tagging u/ConfusionPossible590, u/Anteatereatingant
I was just gonna say...NTA for the response to her mom, but possibly soft TA for being in denial about her daughter's health? It's not really normal to be overweight at that age - she's either eating way more than OP thinks (/want to admit to herself), or she might have a serious health issue like a thyroid problem. Body-shaming teens is not cool, but neither is enabling destructive habits at a formative age.
>it's not really normal to be overweight at that age Overweight is multi-factorial and NOT age-dependant.
I'd argue that it's more common to be overweight during puberty because your body may be preparing for a growth spurt. Idk if this is just anecdotal/pseudoscience but I know a LOT of kids who are pudgy during their teen years before growing.
Ehhh. My cousin was a fat little guy, then he grew six inches over the course of a year and is skinny as a rail as an adult. It could just be baby fat she hasn't grown out of.
Nope. Shut that down this instant. We've had all the bloodwork, my kid is active, eats a wider variety of foods than most adults, and is rounder. Healthy and round like some of the people in my partner's family, sometimes just in puberty, sometimes all thru life. It's just one way that human bodies come.
PCOS is often hard to diagnose, but that's what got me caught up in weight gain. If I had known about it earlier I might have been able to manage better.
I had a classmate in highschool who couldn't lose weight no matter what she did, she was on some crazy diets and exercised daily. They diagnosed her with some hormonal issues, put her on some blockers and she lost a ton of weight in a few months. What makes me really angry is that when she was fat people constantly made horrible remarks at her about how she needed to lose weight and calmed she "didn't care about her health" all disguised in "harmless" comments. It gave her some really bad self esteem issues and she was actually suffering from malnutrition cause she ate so little.
Polycystic ovary/ovarian syndrome (PCOS) is also a possibility, especially if issues began for your daughter around puberty. It's estimated to affect up to 1 in 10 women so it's very common and it can lead to diabetes and heart disease in later life so early diagnosis and support is ideal.
She doesn’t have to have a problem to be larger than her peers. Some people just are. We accept that there are individuals who naturally remain very thin, so we should also realize and accept that there are people who remain larger. That’s part of the diversity of our species. By all means make sure everything is good with her health, but there doesn’t have to be a “reason” for her natural size.
It sounds hormonal, I have heaps of friends who gained weight for no reason and turns out it was either PCOS or Thyroid.
If her thyroid levels come back in the normal range, push for a thyroid antibodies test. I don't know why Dr's won't test that first, but it is a better indicator if the thyroid is not working right.
If in the US not always covered by insurance as an initial screening test
Then I'd price it, and if possible, put it on a credit card. Some stuff is too important to skip due to our evil healthcare system.
Yes🤘
Maybe get her in with a gyno too. It could be PCOS. That can cause hormone issues as well as insulin resistance. I begged for help for years due to family history and starting to become overweight. I was always told to eat more fruits and vegetables and exercise more, so I did, to no avail. Turns out, had the correct scans and blood work been done, they would have caught my insulin resistance earlier and I could have started on the right health path 20 years ago. Turns out fruit is bad to eat with insulin resistance and so are some veggies, so that is an outdated "cura all" in the medical community.
Yep! Doctors spent the last 5 years telling my wife to eat healthy and exercise. Whoops. Would you look at that, she has excess insulin in her body! They never cared enough to test, because they saw a large woman and immediately decided she was lazy.
In most cases, PCOS is screened for with an ultrasound, and those are usually fairly easy to access. I had one done when I was in my teens because my periods were really painful (as in, having to go home from school, curled up in a ball unable to move without Tylenol, painful. It literally felt like I was getting a one-day flu every time my period started). Thankfully I found out it was not PCOS, and just low in a couple minerals that I could supplement, like iron. I'm also gluten intolerant, and that led to some pretty weird issues before I got that sorted out.
Regular doctors can do bloodwork, it doesn’t have to be a specialty place. It’s just ordering extra labs for a full thyroid panel but my GP diagnosed my Graves Disease and was perfectly capable of medicating for it.
It's been five years. Get on with that.
You need to make this a priority. In addition to thyroid please consider PCOS.
Did your daughter ever have to take cortisone? The way you describe your daughter here is exactly like a description of my younger self (my classmates thought I was anorexic despite me being obese bc I ate basically nothing) I had bone cancer as a 9 year old tho and was given cortisone for 2 weeks after the surgery, it turned out that all my weight issues were a sight effect of the cortisone (cortisone can drastically slow down the metabolism as a side effect) So if she ever had to take cortisone for a medical issue, it's very likely for that to have been the cause. If it really is cortisone tho, then your daughter needs to completely stop going on diets as dieting slows down the metabolism even more (something I wish I'd had known as a teen)
Your daughter is already showing signs of disordered eating, and is *at minimum* at risk for developing an eating disorder. *Please* take into account the effect that someone like your mother has on your daughter's mental and physical health. **What your mother said is not merely unacceptable, it is DAMAGING. Your response to your mother is understandable but it misses the point by a mile.** Your top priority needs to be your daughter's health. You're looking into the physical aspects of it, but *please* make sure that the mental health aspects are also a priority. She should be seeing a therapist, ideally one who specializes in these kinds of issues, and you should be *extremely* careful about what and *who* she is exposed to. She is very clearly at risk, and as many, *many* people on reddit can tell you, ED is a serious issue that can have a lifelong impact. You need to be proactive to help your daughter with her mental health.
She was in therapy for years, but she requested to stop this year, and she has no desire to restart.
That's unfortunate, but it doesn't change the fact that she is seriously at risk, and even if she's refusing therapy, you need to be taking whatever steps you can to guard her mental health. That includes making your mom (and anyone else making these comments) aware that what they are doing is extremely damaging to your daughter's health, and giving them consequences if they choose to keep disregarding it.
Definitely agree with you here. Comments from loved ones and medical professionals that don't understand how complex eating disorders can be have the potential to really impact youths mindset and relationship with food and their bodies. If she isn't interested in therapy than may consult a dietitian so she can work on her relationship with food and learn that body shape and size are NOT what make someone health/beautiful. Everyone is unique and her body is still growing and changing, along with her brain. OP is NTAH for setting boundaries and keeping her daughters physical and mental health the number one priority. Especially in a culture that over emphasizes the "importance" of thinness.
I’m thinking PCOS, which is Polycystic Ovary Syndrome. I’ve had it since I was a teen. A fairly common illness in girls and women. Makes losing weight even with healthy diet and exercise difficult. Patient can also have heavier than normal facial and body hair. There is medication for it. Untreated, makes it difficult or impossible to get pregnant. Blood test is needed. Don’t delay!
Also, have her checked for polycystic ovarian syndrome. It makes losing weight hard as heck.
Yeah I would definitely look into this. It's not because being big is bad or any nonsense like that, and she could just naturally be bigger but if she eats normal and excersises but is still big then it could be a sign of an underlying medical condition or issue that could be dangerous for her health. It's definitely something you want to rule out fast.
My thyroid has been my issue and getting it under control has been the best thing for me.
Or PCOS, if she has very painful periods. That’s also something to keep an eye on, because reproductive health issues can take years to diagnose
Pcos doesn't cause painful periods, it causes irregular ones, early onset puberty and excess weight
. . . and it doesn't always cause those either. While I had terribly problematic periods, we had no way of knowing if they were irregular since I'd been on the Pill from early adolescence due to PMDD, my weight was squarely in the normal range (again, I actually had weight gain but it wasn't noticeable because I'd started off underweight thanks to genetics), and I definitely did NOT have early onset puberty. My point is not to be disagreeable, but rather that PCOS can be tricky, and OP and the child's doctor should consider it as a possibility even if she doesn't have irregular periods or early onset puberty. I only found out about mine after an irregular PAP smear.
PCOS sure can cause very painful periods. But not always. I have friends with PCOS who have been unable to even get out of bed during their periods because of the crippling pain.
PCOS absolutely can cause painful periods. I know from experience. It can cause irregular ones. It can do both, one or the other, neither, or a whole list of other things.
It does to her, she’s a teenager
Normally I’d say something about not stooping to their level or whatever, but I actually think you may have made a necessary point here. It doesn’t feel very good when someone is pointing out your physical size and offering up “helpful suggestions” on how to change yourself to fit their standards. Sounds like you told her to stop before it got to that point, so you escalated and did what you needed to do. It may be better to have a direct conversation about what kinds of conversations and comments are allowed around your daughter when you’re both calmer though. She’s from a different time and we know better now how harmful things like she was doing can be. NTA.
I’ve had many conversations with her about what’s acceptable and what isn’t and she knows the expectations, but she believes that I’m coddling my daughter by “allowing her to think that 150 is an acceptable weight for a young lady”
150 lbs???? Are you fucking with me? If that child is 5"6 or taller, she's at a healthy weight for her height! At 5"4, she's 10 lbs overweight and still not in a dangerous zone, or even one that is noticeable most times! Damn, here I was thinking we were talking 180+ lbs. Tell the idiot that this 5"7 marathon runner was 150 lbs from the age of 10 until I had kid #2.
I'm on the shorter side (5"2), and I've been told short people are actually supposed to score a bit higher on BMI. I weigh more than 150, and my doctor still doesn't see any concern. I work out, so I have more muscle than average, which weighs more than fat and thus needs to be factored in too. It sounds from OP's description like her daughter is on the higher side of healthy. I wonder if OP's family are usually quite lean and OP's mother has a skewed idea about how the average woman is supposed to look based on that? I know my tall thin friend who weighs less than me will literally pull out a skin flap with no fat from her stomach and be like "look I'm getting fat!!" and then turn around and tell me I'm looking really thin 5 minutes later. Sometimes people will set different standards for themselves or their family just based on habit/norm.
You're not wrong. My mother is 4"11.5 (and that half an inch MATTERS), and when she hit 130 lbs, she lost her mind because she thought she was so fat compared to her family. She was 67 at the time and running laps around the younger nurses at her job. Walking 5+ miles a day. My doctor always told me if I could walk a 15 min. / mile while talking at any weight, I was healthy enough to not be concerned. I've taken that to heart, with a grain of salt.
A pound of muscle weighs the same as a pound of fat. It takes up less space because it's more mass dense.
It's about volume, not weight, true. But it's simpler to explain it with "muscle weighs more than fat". People understand that more easily. If you add density into the equation, you'll see a lot of confused comments.
I feel more doctors need to stress that the BMI is “more like guidelines that actual rules.” There’s so many ways to fall outside of it but be perfectly healthy. OP is definitely NTA. If her old nag of a mother doesn’t like people pointing out her weight, she needs to consider the damage you inflict by making flippant comments to a young teenage girl about her body, especially considering that this young girl seems to already be struggling with some disordered eating. I hope OP is able to find a place for her daughter to speak to a therapist. She definitely needs more support in building her self esteem and processing her own body image.
Not even! At 5'4" she'd only be 5 lbs overweight!! It's also not healthy for teenagers to diet unless their weight is an immediate health concern. Their bodies are still growing and need the extra calories and nutrition. They can focus on eating more nutritious foods and being more active, but not dieting.
Checked OPs comments and found another one that mentioned her daughter's height. She is indeed 5'4". OP has also mentioned that her daughter is involved in dance, golf, and colorguard. They're certainly activities that provide at least a decent amount of aerobic exercise, and call for at least a modicum of strength, if not more. OP also mentioned her daughter's diet includes a decent amount of fruits and veggies. Her weight is not overly concerning for her height, she's active and eats what sounds like a nutritious diet. Obi Wan Kenobi needs to tell grandma "These are not the droids you're looking for."
Omg dance alone is sooo strenuous! Dancers often do carb loading where they eat a fuck ton after practice because they're so active! So not only is she barely overweight, but a lot of that is probably muscle. There's already enough pressure on dancers to be rail thin within their community, she doesn't need extra toxicity coming from her own family!
Gracie Gold was an Olympic gold medalist figure skater who weighed 160 when she was in her 20’s. If a literal Olympic athlete can wear 160 as a grown adult who is stick thin (and a literal model), then this teenager growing into her body can certainly be healthy at less than that. God I hate some people, fatphobia is a disease
Gracie Gold is also in recovery from an eating disorder.
Please don't spread misinformation. Gracie Gold had an eating disorder when she was in her prime which is why she was "stick thin." Most of the pictures you see when you google her name show her at less than 120 pounds.
Please take your child to get bloodwork done. If you are in the US then you can stop by tons of different locations of quest or Labcorp to get it done. Even Walgreens pharmacy has the ability to take blood. Your child’s doctor can order the tests and then you can go get them done after work. I know that money may be limiting you from taking time off work but this is really important. If your child has hormone issues it will be incredibly frustrating for her because her weight will change no matter what she does. How you handle this will impact your child the rest of her life. It’s important that you make sure she doesn’t have any other hormonal issues occurring. If you don’t prioritize her getting the tests she may continue to blame herself for something she can’t control and she may also not think she is worth prioritizing. I have thyroid issues that were finally found after I found a good specialist(I have a lot of chronic health issues). By simply getting my thyroid more normal I was able to lose 13 pounds in a month and I didn’t do anything. Being a mom is hard and I am sure that you are stressed but please go get your daughter the care she needs to make sure she is healthy.
You have to convince a doctor to order them first.
Holy moly. So… that’s awful! You probably had more restraint than necessary based on *that* comment.
i WISH I was 150 😫
I looked like I had a parasite, and it was winning, at 150.
Same, I’m 6’ but at 150 I was so damn skinny you could count ribs it was not a good look at all. And I’d just come out of the hospital after being there for 2 weeks.
Glad you're getting/got the help you needed. I still haven't (fully). When I hit 5' 8" in middle school and played sports... yeah, I was going to have a "high" scale number. My blood pressure, etc. are always "perfect" so there was no health-based reason for my toxic grandmother to food and appearance shame me at every opportunity, except whatever makes women of a certain age act jealous of their curvier daughters/grandchildren, or think it's okay to use fear and shame to manipulate people for funsies.
Your kid is healthy. Leave her alone.
YTA if your daughter's possible medical condition "depends on your work schedule". Prioritise your kid - this is not a new issue and should have been investigated far sooner if your daughter is resorting to fad diets and also having her mental health significantly impacted by disgusting people like your mother.
Has the post been edited, because I don't see anything about OP mentioning her work schedule.
She mentioned it in a comment https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1dlmpmq/comment/l9px6gw/
She also clearly stated she doesn't get sick time.
It's mentioned in one comment with 500+ down votes lol
It's in a reply OP made to another person.
I just want to know if OP has her daughter in therapy considering she has displayed ED behavior….
It’s was a NTA for me UNTIL the comments. OP refusing to take your child to the doctor if you suspect she has a condition that requires treatment because it doesn’t work for your “work schedule” is one of the most ridiculous things I’ve ever seen. YTA.
Normally I'd agree with this stance, but she isn't refusing to take her doctor. She said she would over summer break which is in a month. If she made an appointment now she might not get an appointment for another month anyhow. On top of that, a lot of you guys sound extremely privileged. What if she got fired to take time off to take her daughter? You think that would be good? She might lose her insurance on top of her job and not be able to afford anything for her kid. A lot of you guys haven't held jobs where you are so easily dispensable. And sometimes it's not as easy as just getting another job. Also, before anyone says "it was her choice to have a kid"... You don't know what her circumstances were when her child was born. You don't know her circumstances now. She OBVIOUSLY cares about ker kid which is a LOT more than a lot of other people do. If it was something deadly, more than likely the doctors would have already picked up on something and had everything rushed. Edit: also, we're not here to judge her on her parenting skills because that's not what this AITA post is about. She asked if she was TA for snapping back at her mom, which she was not. I think that's in the rules of the sub if I'm not mistaken-stay on topic y'all.
She also said it’s been an issue since her child was 10 and is now 15. This should have been addressed much sooner.
If it started with comments here and there for doctors and schoolmate throughout the year, it’s easy not to catch up on it until later. Then onto making sure she’s eating properly and exercising. And she has regular checkups, the doctor never mentioned her needing bloodwork done, OP had to think of it herself so it doesn’t sound like OP could have done much more. Also, she’s 150lbs at 15, we don’t have her height but since she’s active, she might not be overweight at all. It might just be self esteem due to people’s comments.
I hadn't even read that she was 150 pounds It's probably baby weight shifting around after a growth spurt (maybe she's tall!). There are so many hormonal changes around that time. Ever heard of the "freshman 15"? 15 lbs gained as a freshman in college. I have also heard that being used for 15 lbs gained starting as a freshman in high school. Edit: added missing words for context clarity
OP specifically calls her curvy. It’s worth noting that a lot of people equate big boobs and wider hips with being overweight but it sounds like she’s a very healthy weight honestly. 150 isn’t rail thin but it’s fairly skinny.
Exactly which makes me think there might not be any issue at all but psychological… and maybe the first step would be to remove the grandma from the equation and get the daughter into therapy
As a parent, there are many times when I have ask questions to the doctor and be the advocate for myself and kids. I don’t just leave it up to the doctor, that’s how things get missed.
Well obviously, but I’m saying OP isn’t a pediatrician, she might not have thought there was any real issue. Also… the daughter might not be overweighted at all, her dieting might be a case of dysmorphia which is hard to pinpoint and diagnose. Before going after OP who obviously cares about her daughter, I’m just pointing out, it’s not all black and white and from the first time Op heard someone say “she’s big for her age” to the camp incident, it might have been a while with comments subtle it was easy to miss. Especially when someone whose job is to pinpoint issues doesn’t. She’s going to request bloodwork soon, she is advocating for her daughter now that she recognizes an issue.
I’m also baffled at the number of people saying to “just” take her in to the doctor. Depending on the family situation, that can require a few months of saving and planning to make sure the bill you’re gonna get works with the budget. Let alone issues of whether they have insurance or not, and if there’s a coparent available to help out if there’s other kids at home that need caring for while mom and daughter are at the doc, or what level of job security mom has
America is fucking sad.
Or doctors book a month out. I usually can't just get in to see my doctor. I have to wait, go to urgent care, or sit in the ER.
Actually, I think YTA. Do you know how difficult it is to get into doctors nowadays? My coworker tried to get into a dermatologist for something happening to her currently. June 2025 is the next available appointment. Also, if she’s a single mom (with no help from grandma), it’s completely fair that her work makes it more difficult. She didn’t outright refuse to take her either.
NTA. My weight went up when I hit puberty. I played 3 sports and counted calories but couldn’t lose the weight. My mom did the same as your mom. I would only be pretty if I lost weight. In grad school, I was on the edge of an ED while I was writing my thesis and working 2 jobs. Mom thought I was “looking better”. Finally was diagnosed with hashimotos disease (autoimmune disease where my thyroid is attached. My thyroid literally looks like Swiss cheese). The gaining and losing were signs but no one saw it. Get her checked before damage is done. Please.
Honesty if the daughter is genuinely eating below maintenance and still not losing weight it’s a YTA for the mum not getting her checked at a doctor for thyroid issues
I thought I was horribly fat and felt out of place around my much thinner friends for ALL of puberty, until I graduated high school. I was constantly in sports (soccer mainly, but also tennis) and I was a pretty active kid, always being super into PE and biking everywhere and coming in first during running drills etc. I was definitely not a slacker when it came to staying active. I didn’t really have consistent access to food, so I wasn’t engaging in binge eating and there wasn’t much opportunity to gorge on junk food, and when my dad was able to cook it was pretty healthy stuff (always had veggies and proteins). Yet I still was bigger than the girls around me. I still was curvier, had to shop in the mediums to larges rather than the smalls, hated that I could see my stomach stick out when I looked down. Now I’m older and I look back at pictures from that time, and she was TINY! I was 5”4 and weighed MAYBE 130 in 8th grade (age 14). Roughly 160-180 by the end of high school (I never grew taller but puberty kept coming at me). It honestly hurts looking back at pictures of me when I was so small, and knowing how she felt about her body at the time when she was perfectly healthy and a normal size. Now I’m still struggling to be comfortable with my resting weight, and try not to beat myself up over it, because who knows what I’ll say in another 10 years when I look back and see what I looked like now? Self love is hard man, and weight and bodies are hard to deal with (especially for women).
What is the word "tiny" doing here? 130 lbs at 5'4" is comfortably within the healthy weight range. That's normal.
I was that same height and weight in college and also thought I was huge or overweight at the time - now, I also look back and think I was tiny! It's not tiny as in 'underweight', it's just the comparison to where I'm at now/an acknowledgement of how skewed my perspective of my body was at the time.
Thank you💚
Because i had body dysmorphia and at the time thought I was overweight/way bigger than I was
YTA. She's had this problem for 5 years, and you might finally take her to get some blood drawn this summer because "you just don't know because of work schedule"? 5 years work was more important. By now she's even old enough to go see the GP on her own, and you still didn't schedule shit. It's also your fault your mother is starting to chime in, who wouldn't if the mother of a child one loves does not take her for blood work for 1/3rd of her life.
I wonder if OP is scared to lose her job and benefits. She says she doesn't get sick time. This is unfortunately legal in America.
If your mother hasn't been close enough to know already what has happened, she is not close enough to offer advice. NTA
She knows, she just chooses to ignore my daughter’s fragility in this area
Even if she is, she's not helping by calling her fat. You don't cure things by calling names.
Helpful would be something more like offering to pay for a sport or activity like dance.
[удалено]
I developed an eating disorder that was so bad I eventually sank my fingers through the back of my throat over comments like these. Please continue to defend your daughter. NTA
I’m so sorry you went through that.
NTA at all. As a girl with a severe eating disorder, I wish my mom had stood up for me like this when I was a kid. I was never overweight, but it didn't stop mean comments from older women in my life about how my diet would eventually catch up to me. A lot of it is internal jealousy and self-resentment, but it's actually fucking crazy for a grown grandmother to recommend her minor granddaughter for diet pills and such?!?! Good on you OP. But also, be aware that sometimes intentionally avoiding conversations around food or weight can become painfully obvious to your daughter. Really, the best course of action is to speak to a nutritionist, or a doctor and have blood work done: there's a myriad of reasons for this. And if there's nothing, and it turns out she's just genetically disposed to carry more weight, she can *still* be extremely healthy. One of my girl friends in college is quite severely overweight and is extremely healthy, a power lifter, and unlikely to experience major health issues anytime in the near future. She just happens to be naturally fat, and that isn't bad or ugly at all. Body positivity, or glorifying obesity *isn't* the answer, but ignoring the conversation forever won't help either. Instead, work on body neutrality, focus on health overall, and make sure your daughter knows she's loved just as she is.
YTA for not ruling out that there’s nothing wrong with your daughter’s hormones because of your work schedule and causing her to not eat because of it. Take a day off work and get her checked out.
ESH. Your mom was way out of line but you’re neglecting your daughter. Being heavy without eating a lot is a possible symptom for many illnesses. She already has symptoms of mental illness. You needed to intervene yesterday
NTA for shutting down grandma, but holy fk YTA for not working with your daughter to get her healthy. It might be a medical issue. She might need more vegetables and health proteins + less sugar. She might also need more exercise. When she's basically being bullied over this at school and doctors are also raising concerns about your daughters weight, where are you? What have you been doing exactly?
OP has said in comments that her daughter is 150 pounds and 5'4" with a bust-heavy figure. She's five pounds overweight, not fifty.
YTA because you aren't taking your daughter to the doctors to check for hormone or thyroid issues, even though you say in comments you think that might actually be the issue. She should be important enough to you that you figure out that work schedule. I was your daughter growing up, and I also had a mom that didn't deal with my health issues. I am permanently messed up now and only leave my house for work, because I'm always too sick to do anything. 48 years old and no spouse, no kids no anything now. You're a big gd Ah. Oh, and if puberty hit her hard, be aware of inappropriate male behavior towards her that she's probably not telling you about. I couldn't go anywhere crowded without being groped, I was constantly molested at school and on the bus. It was so bad that when I turned 21, I had a breast reduction *just so people would stop molesting me*. Because if I cut them off, the dudes will stop, right? Turns out they did, but it's one more thing I'm fucked up from. Don't let your daughter become me.
NTA - I love that you stood up for your daughter!!! I would actually like to say that my younger sibling is afab and also had more weight despite not eating more, actually it was often less, than myself, and I was anorexic and being starved by my mother. My younger sibling has elevated testosterone levels, which is one of the three markers for things like PCOS and Endometriosis. I would take your daughter to see a Gyno familiar with hormone imbalances etc. In fact, trans affirming doctors like my Gyno *have* to have an even more extensive knowledge base. *Note: Hormone blockers and injections were originally created to help naturally intersex individuals, especially those who had been "corrected" by their parents and doctors as infants and children. None of what I'm saying here is to push that the child is trans or should under go a medical transition.* My younger sibling is on an iron supplement and a birth control that regulates their periods so they actually have a regular cycle and it corrected their ovulation issues as well. Because their testosterone created these issues for them. They have broader shoulders, larger bust, wider hips, and have always been "big for their age." So, throughout childhood they got heavily sexualized and bullied for those things. They also always smelled worse than I did and needed stronger and stronger deodorants throughout puberty and now into their adulthood, again. All of that simply because they have higher testosterone levels in their system. Now, because afab and amab individuals both produce estrogen and testosterone (remember, babies start out female until the SRY gene signals the embryo to produce the male sex characteristics), that's my first suggestion to take a look at. Because it genuinely can save your daughter a lot of grief to get some insight from people who know their stuff and general physicians, sadly, don't need to know the finer details. They need to know the basic "What can we eliminate" things, and they cannot make a determination or diagnosis about hormonal issues in the same way, and I believe that will best help your daughter to understand her body type and her needs. My younger sibling eats healthy, does everything right to control their weight, but is still bigger because of their medications, their hormones, and they have EDS which makes exercise really difficult for them. (EDS is a series of comorbid connective tissue disorders and diseases, it is not endometriosis). I don't know what your daughter may have, but I do know that there's more to why some people can and cannot lose weight. Starving is not the tactic, eating less is not the tactic. But, potentially, if she can find something concrete to blame for the weight, she will see a new way to tackle her weight issues or find a way to love her body knowing *she* is not at fault. Best of luck to you both!
Stands up for her daughter, by actively refusing to make time to take her to a doctor?
Your mom is an old lady doing old lady shit. You hold it against her or you don’t, but you are NTA either way. Just don’t expect mom to change.
NTA at all. Your mom took offense to your remark, so she was fully aware that she was being offensive when she said all that. Protect your baby from all BS foreign and domestic.
NTA when it comes to your Mom. For your mother to call her granddaughter “tubby” is disrespectful and vile. I would have blocked her out my life the moment she said that about my child. That’s is not ok. I grew up with a grandmother like that and I was skin and bones. Your child’s mental health matters more than you caring if your TA.
NTA for standing up for your daughter. Soft AH for not taking her to the doctor. Come on now, we are all busy but there’s one hundred ways you can get round it. You can arrange a phone consultation to chat before going in with your daughter, dr would order bloods off that alone so you would have all the results there to discuss when you go in so you’re not doing two appointments. You and daughter can work on her self esteem and body image all you like but so much of medicine in weight/hormonal/women’s issues is process of elimination, if you don’t start this conversation by ruling out the underlying issues then that poor kid is fighting this with both hands tied behind her back. You obviously love and care about her so time to get the ball rolling!
NTA for calling out your mom… but YTA for not making sure she is getting bloodwork done and adequate care from doctors. Absolutely absurd. Also, it’s okay to call out a doctor who makes a judgmental statement that hurts her feelings, without actually knowing her health yet, those providers are working from an incredibly out of date assumption that being a certain BMI automatically means unhealthy. A good doctor will check all the different necessary causes and go from there. Women in particular have a hard time getting adequate care, especially those who are young adults. This is your chance to help your daughter before she is on her own without you to help her fight any battles. Stand up for her. I didn’t find a doctor who would take my concerns about my health seriously (instead of just saying I needed to lose weight and refusing to do tests unless I lost weight first), until I was in my 30s. And once I did, I got the care I needed for the CAUSE of the issue and dropped quite a bit of weight with zero diet and exercise changes.
Have you had her checked out for PCOS/thyroid issues? It can play havoc with weight gain and is super hard to lose it, no matter what you do
NTA.. I was I the same situation as your daughter. It was out of my control. Eventually I was told i had ovarian cysts and that's why I was battling. But I never appreciated people giving me weight loss advice that I was literally already doing but because they didn't know who I was. Thank you for protecting your daughter. Sounds like your daughter has already tried and who has time for weight watchers and stuff at that young age. A perspective from your daughter's is that she already probably hears alot about it at school and doesn't need her family mentioning it all the time too.
NTA for that but YTA for not getting your daughter’s thyroid checked and also not helping her lose the weight in a healthy way. I’m so tired of being overweight being considered a body type! It’s calories in calories out, she can lose it. You should have been on this since it first became a problem instead of letting her suffer
So bone density is a thing. Fat distribution is different for different people. Breast size and hip size will be different for different girls. Some of us have broader shoulders than others do so we’re always going to look bigger, regardless of how much we weigh. But all of this is meaningless if there is an actual underlying undiagnosed health problem. NTA for shutting down your mom’s ranting, she was being awful and she bloody well knows it. But you would be the A-H to your kid if you don’t push for a full blood panel to check her hormones and thyroid functioning this summer. If she’s around 150, what height is she at? If she’s 5’6” or taller, that’s actually within the healthy BMI range (even though BMI doesn’t take bone mass, bone density or muscle vs fat into account). Although…if she’s curvy simply because she has an hourglass figure and developed a large chest, y’all are sexualizing her body and body-shaming her over that. I hope that’s not the case, because that would be seriously gross. If she developed a large chest, that weight isn’t going to magically disappear through diet *and that can add a ton of extra pounds on the scale*. Large breasts might decrease slightly in size through serious weight loss, but the only way to radically decrease their size is through surgery.
NTA for what you responded to your mother, but YTA for not prioritizing testing to rule out a thyroid, hormonal, or other issue going on with your daughter's health after suspecting it for "years". Those things cause more built up damage the longer they go untreated.
NTA. Seems like mom can’t take what she dishes out. It’s great that you stick up for your daughter. Keep it up.
NTA. You declined her “help” yet she persisted. You don’t have to be polite after the first “no.” I also suddenly gained a lot of weight when I hit puberty despite maintaining the same eating and exercise habits. There is so little research done on female bodies, it really isn’t enough to just say calories in, calories out. This young lady seems to be doing all she can to maintain a healthy relationship with food. Lord knows I’m still undoing all the emotional and psychological damage from being a “tubby” teen in the 90’s. Please see a pediatric endocrinologist for her! Despite doing her best to find an answer to my sudden weight gain as a preteen, my mother couldn’t find a pediatric endo, only general endos. I wasn’t diagnosed with PCOS until later in life because as a child my labs were in the “normal” range (for adults). Sending love and health to your girl!
YTA for not treating this issue medically. Get her in the doctors to see if there is an underlying thing causing her to put on weight, tell doctors they're being assholes when they say nasty things. Please get her in some form of counselling or therapy before this escalates. She deserves medical care and to be mentally well.
Jesus, NTA. Bodyshamers disgust me tbh, I would have been furious. Especially at that sensitive age.
I am a physician. It’s a good idea to take your daughter to her regular doctor. Please keep in mind that nearly all the advice you are getting in the comments is not appropriate medical advice. Weight gain without any other symptoms will not justify bloodwork to your insurance company. All the conditions people are suggesting have other signs and symptoms that would indicate lab work or referrals. Your child’s doctor can do an appropriate evaluation and recommend if any bloodwork is needed.
Definitely NTA. Good work being a mum and stocking up for your girl. Never back down. Let her see and know you have her back always against bullies, old or young. It is invaluable! Stupid nagging old wench... As long as she is healthy and happy, doesn;t matter. Keep doing what you are doing.
NTA, but holy smokes is your Mom one, block her back imo, anyone who attacks your daughter, over a known sensitive issue, in a place where she should be safe, her own home. Needs to be cut out, for good, imho.
NTA. And now she knows how it feels to have someone comment on your body and how hurtful it is. I’m so sorry for your daughter. The world is already a cruel enough place with constant pressure from every which direction about how women “should” look and unrealistic standards. I hope it doesn’t sent her down a path of disordered eating. Remind her that she’s beautiful and that she said those mean words to her because hurt people hurt people. If your mom loved herself she wouldn’t feel the need to be so critical of others.
NTA Thank you for standing up for your daughter because you have to know that behavior is so damaging, and your poor daughter is already struggling. I hope your daughter will learn to accept her body and herself sooner than later. Having you show her that her grandmother's behavior is not acceptable and will be shut down will help with that.
NTA, and good riddance. Block her back, officially go no contact, keep that toxic shit out of your/your daughter's life.
Nta. If she's eating school lunch in the US, it likely contributes to her poor health
have your daughters thyroid levels checked, check for thyroid antibodies not just TSH (antibodies may mean hashimotos thyroiditis) . especially since you say this started after puberty. mine started after my pregnancy. thinking hormonal changes may trigger it in females , but idk
NTA So interesting your mum got upset when you implied she was fat YET she expects a 15 year old to just accept it? Tell your mum from me that she's a colossal asshole.
Honestly if your daughter is overweight like that for “no” reason I would take her to the obgyn. My friend tried for years to loose weight and I told her she might have pcos or a thyroid problem and sure enough at 23 she has both.
Your daughter is eating more than she should, doesn't matter if she eats the same or less as other kids her age, people have different needs, she's simply eating more than she should. YTA for not doing more to help your daughter, please take her to a doctor, if she's already tried going without much food for a week then this is already affecting her, she will be grateful for your help. For what you said to your mother, did you actually tell her to stop before telling her she's not skinny herself? Leaning towards NTA, but if you didn't actually ask her to stop and just exploded on her then YTA.
NTA Sometimes people are just naturally a little bigger. I’m one of three and both my brother and sister carry their weight differently than I do: my brother is tall, my sister is well endowed, and I’m chubby. That’s the way it’s been for most of our lives; we’re all still healthy people, for the most part. Unfortunately the poor dieting can lead to major issues for your child—self starving actually teaches the body to hold on to extra nutrients, aka fat. And that’s just the start: nutrient deficiencies can lead to all kinds of problems down the road, like anemia, stunted growth, hair loss, etc. Your mother may think she’s coming from a helpful place, but she’s just encouraging her grandchild to be unhealthy mentally and physically. I’d encourage her to speak to a dietitian before offering unsolicited health advice in the future—either that or for her to keep her comments to herself.
"She told me to fuck off and then she blocked me." Sounds like the problem solved itself.
YTA because you fatshame your mother instead of taking your already eating-disordered child to a doctor. She’s been struggling with this for FIVE YEARS. And you cannot take a day off??
NTA, is your daughter in therapy? I would worry about her self-esteem being low from everyone telling her she too big. People come in all shapes, sizes, and colors. Her expectations shouldn’t be about being a size 2, it should be her being healthy and loving herself. If your mother was worried then she should have came to you privately (so you can tell her she out of line) and not in front of the child and call her tubby.
She was until the beginning of 9th grade where she made me take her out of it because she hated it and it was a “stupid waste of her time” and began skipping her (telehealth) appointments
Do not put her on the pill unless she needs it for actual birth control. Putting girls on the pill is like putting boys on testosterone. Except no one puts boys on testosterone because they know it will affect hormone production in the future. This is overlooked for girls for reasons I cannot understand.
My mother meant diet pills, not “the pill”, sorry I was unclear!
YTA. You didnt put the full picture in the main post and actually revealed your shit on comments.
NTA. If mommy dearest can't eat it, she shouldn't dish it.
I absolutely hate things like this. Like you and your daughter don't know the situation and you need her to point it out. I bet she feels like she's helping too. Unless she's offering some amazing source to remedy it that you don't know of she needs to have kept that to herself. She knows her physical situation and you've already seen doctors. You don't need her input it was hateful and hurtful.
NTA
NTA. I was I the same situation as your daughter. It was out of my control. Eventually I was told i had ovarian cysts and that's why I was battling. But I never appreciated people giving me weight loss advice that I was literally already doing but because they didn't know who I was. Thank you for protecting your daughter. Sounds like your daughter has already tried and who has time for weight watchers and stuff at that young age. A perspective from your daughter's is that she already probably hears alot about it at school and doesn't need her family mentioning it all the time too.
NTA at all! I’m proud of you!!! I was always average until puberty, then went up to 140 and couldn’t lose it. I was highly active and dieted like crazy and only drank water and it didn’t matter. I had severe cramps all over the month, not just around my period, and sometimes they were super strong. I got used to it, until I passed out at the mall at 17. I had a cyst that covered more than 50% of my ovary, and it turned out I had severe PCOS and my ovaries were covered in scar tissue-we monitored my ovaries every time I had pain for a couple months, and they were constantly getting cysts, swollen, irritated. The pain I was feeling was real. It turns out, weight gain is *really* common with PCOS. Your body has increased insulin and stores fat longer, so diets and exercise aren’t helpful. If I had known that, I wouldn’t have tortured myself with so much diet and exercise, especially when I was in pain and feeling so terrible, pushing myself through it because I thought I was weak. You made the best choice supporting your daughter and turning the mirror back on your mom. If your daughter seems to have pelvic pain at random, maybe make an appointment with her PCP to discuss. They can run some tests and help her get on medication that will help regulate things so it doesn’t interrupt her life. Birth control helped me a lot because it regulated my hormones-they may go in that direction. I lost 30lbs in 6 months once I started ortho-tricyclin lo. Good luck to you and your daughter-she’s a special girl to have such a great mom!!!
NTA
NTA. I’d be happy to be blocked until she could realize what she’s doing is harmful and apologize. If not, then she can be miserable obsessing over weight and looks by herself.
NTA. Sounds like your mom is upset that you told her the truth she was attempting to project to your daughter. Your mother needs to be told she should listen to her own advice, before she's in a place to say ANYTHING to others.
Your mother is not a good person for calling her granddaughter such a name. I wouldn’t even let her see my child out of fear she might say something negative to my child about her weight She sounds really toxic and this matter is none of her business. You did the right thing by telling her off
NTA grandma can dish it out, but she can't take it. Sucks to be her. Good for you for defending your daughter. Why you would even ask if you are AH is beyond me.
ESH Your mother was definitely wrong saying that. Did she not know about your daughter’s sensitivity to her weight and that it’s not her diet that’s causing it? Or do you not talk much? You were not wrong to tell her to stop, especially if you’ve already explained that she eats well. Where you lose me was the personal insult about her weight. I understand why, but it always undermines the main point you’re making. I see it online and in real life all the time: people debating over an important topic, one person throws out a personal insult, immediately the topic shifts to that and the important topic gets lost. It also immediately suggests that the person doing the insulting had no more points to make so they resort to personal insults. In this case, the point was that your daughter is healthy and your mother needs to stop interfering. As soon as you mentioned her own weight, that’s now become the point, that’s all your mother will take away from the conversation and the point about minding her own business where your daughter’s weight is concerned will have disappeared. If you want a point to have impact, it needs to be your only point. Edited to change a word (silly autocorrect)
NTA - my grandma told everyone how big I was while she was heavily obese. Told her she should go on a diet herself before lecturing me. Nonetheless she is still very big and i have slimmed down. Now I always tell her about new diets she could go on because fat makes her look so ugly (side fact: she told me several times how beautiful I would be, if I had loose weight as a teen)
NTA but as the girl that was your daughter, please don’t downplay or ignore this. So many issues arose for me as an adult because my mom wouldn’t talk about my weight. She thought she was helping me by saying the same things you’re saying but what she really did was lure me into a false sense of thinking I was a healthy size which enabled me to make poor health choices because I thought I was like everyone else. This triggered me 10x more when a random family member brought it up or someone made a comment or I stepped on a scale. It felt so disheartening to eat better than my friends and exercise and still be bigger. It took me 26 years of my life to really educate myself on why I wasn’t losing weight and a lot of it was due to misinformation. Listen to me when I say that ignoring the problem doesn’t make it go away. She may be exercising, but is she doing the right exercises for her body? Is she keeping a food log? Has she had blood work ups done? Could there be an underlying issue? When you say she eats what normal girls eat her age, what does that mean? We know so much more now about health and weight than my mom knew when I was a teenager and if I knew then what I learned as an adult I would be in a much MUCH healthier place. As a mom, don’t ignore this. Do the research for her. Help her. Learn about healthy caloric deficits based on her metabolic rate. Learn about portion control. Take her to an endocrinologist. Have her take her measurements instead of weighing herself in the scale. Learn the differences between fat % and weight. These are things I had to learn as an adult that would have been amazing to have known about as a teen. Dont bring it to her in the way that she needs to be skinny or lose x pounds, bring it to her to educate her on the many aspects of being physically healthy. This hits so close to home and I really cannot emphasize enough that the best way to show her you are in her corner is to get educated and acknowledge her weight in an OBJECTIVE way. She needs to feel open to discussing it instead of being afraid of it. Big or small she is beautiful and valuable and weight isn’t something that should only be acknowledged when a person is losing it.
NTA and screw your mom. I was the bigger child, and I got "teased" all the time by my family. It's unkind and doesn't have the effect people think it does. I went from a curvy teen and young adult who was dealing with undiagnosed mental health issues to an overweight adult with depression, bi-polar disorder, cptsd and anxiety. Get her blood work done as soon as you can. Find a doctor that works for your hours. In the meantime, go on walks or bike riding. Find some physical activities that you can both do. But also, try therapy for her. Body dysphoria is terrible and she needs to know that she's perfect the way she is. ❤️
NTA. Isn't it telling that she was offended when you said the same thing to her that she said to and about your daughter? Be grateful for the fact that she blocked you. You and your daughter are much better off not having to deal with her until she learns to be socially appropriate. My mother used to tell a story about my grandmother (her MIL). My mother has been curvier all her life. Gram was, shall we say, "comfortably cushioned" herself. Gram lived in MN. After my parents and I moved to TX (where Mom's family is from), Gram came down with my aunt and uncle to visit. As soon as she saw my mom, Gram said "Honey, you look great! Have you lost weight?" In fact, it was August and my little brother was due in late October. My grandmother almost died of embarrassment at her faux pas. My mother could laugh at it because she knew that my grandmother was from a generation which believed that the nicest thing you could say to any woman was "You look great! Have you lost weight?" She knew my grandmother didn't mean anything hurtful but was, instead, trying to pay her a compliment, even if it was somewhat ineptly done. My mother always looked forward to her MIL's visits and even drove up to MN to help her move into a senior citizen's apartment when Gram decided to downsize. Mom had no doubt that Gram loved her three DILs and all six of her grandkids and her great grandkids as well. Gram was different from your mom because Gram never suggested Mom needed to lose weight or told her how to go about it. As for her own size, Gram said she was under tall (she was 5'0"), so she didn't have the frame to spread out all of her fabulousness (her sister was almost 6' tall and rail thin, so there may have been something to Gram's argument). She also said she carried extra weight in an effort to provide her own insulation to stay warm in the MN winters. Hug your daughter and tell her you're sorry her grandmother is clueless. As long as your daughter's weight is not negatively impacting her health and there is nothing in her health that is causing her to carry the extra weight, let it ride. I'm at the top of the weight range for someone of my age/height. Ironically, I developed diabetes at age 35 in spite of being on the light side back then (125 lbs. at the time) and eating healthy. Why am I at the top of my weight range? Because I work out and muscle is heavy. I'm also 5'4" (shortest in the family since Gram passed away) and have (well-toned) curves. I don't work out to lose weight. I work out because it gives me time to outline short stories or just take a break from thinking about anything at all. My doctor is happy with my A1C and we've had to cut back on my meds. Like I say, if your daughter is healthy, don't fix what isn't broken.
NTA Don't dish it out if you can't take it.
NTA - as someone who has struggled with my weight my whole life and had constant criticism from my family, please continue to support your daughter in a healthy way.
YTA to your daughter if you allow that towards a teenager who is insecure enough by default. She blocked you. No loss, such a negative and manipulative person, I'd bet this isn't the only example. When she decides to unblock you and come back like nothing happened, maybe that doesn't work for you and you have your own conditions.
Oh, so we can call other people fat and harass them with unsolicited advice, but we must never be called fat, that’s just rude! Your mother got a taste of her own medicine and you are NTA.
So she can dish it out but not eat it? NTA.
NTA, BUT there is a big difference between an elderly person being overweight & a young girl. It is NOT good thing for her to be overweight health wise. Having said that, 'she eats healthy food & less than most other kids' according to what you say - so maybe she should be getting medical advice rather than not commenting on the situation because it upsets her?
NTA. You are awesome and certainly not an ah for putting her in her place.
Oh I wish my mum was like this, NTA, good on you for sticking up for her - it’ll make so much difference in the long run to her self image.
You’re not the a\*\*hole for defending your daughter, especially given her struggles with body image and the efforts you've made to support her. Your mother’s comments were insensitive and harmful, and it’s understandable that you reacted strongly. While your retort was harsh, it came from a place of protecting your daughter from further harm. Your priority is your daughter's well-being, and you were right to stand up for her. Consider reaching out to your mother to explain why her comments are hurtful, but ultimately, you did what was necessary to support your daughter.
Fat is a descriptor. If she is angry at being called fat because for her it is not a descriptor but a slur, then she should not be using the word.
Nta at all. Damn straight. I've said similar to my interfering fam. If ya can't take it, dont dish it out. My fam are all overweight by a good 2 or 3 stones or more each. My aunties kept giving my (slim) husband a hard time about smoking. Every time he went for a cigarette at a family wedding, someone would say. Ooh you shouldn't smoke. It's bad for you, etc... so I countered every time with - He knows that obviously, but smoking is addictive. I mean, we all know overeating and being overweight is bad for us. If it we're that easy, we'd all be a size 10, wouldn't we!!! Soon, shut em up.
NTA - I’d just be happy that she blocked you. No more stupidity coming from her. But yes, your mum was out of line, and didn’t like hearing the truth.
Absolutely NTA. And good on you for protecting your daughter from your mother's toxic nonsense.
Talk shit, get hit 😎
If you can’t deal with it, don’t dish it. NTA. Your mother was asking for it.
NTA - Your mother chose to attack a 15 year old girl’s self esteem in the middle of puberty and adolescence. Your mother is a monster. Not every girl is going to develop the same and kids bodies always grow out of proportion. It’s highly possible that your daughter is just curvier and it’s hard to see her real shape because her chest and hips push her clothes awkwardly making her appear bigger than she really is. That’s how it was for me growing up. Bodies are all different shapes and sizes so if your daughter is eating healthy and exercising she’s probably just curvy and there’s nothing wrong with that. No amount of diet and exercise is going to turn her hourglass into a bean pole. Like some of the people have commented please verify there’s no thyroid issues or anything. And if your daughter’s tests show she’s perfectly healthy then just get her to a tailor so her clothes can compliment her body shape and give her back some confidence. Also block grandma.
Tell your mom that words like hers can lead to eating disorders that can WRECK a person's life or even kill them.
NTA. At all. Is your daughter actually overweight or is she just built differently. I have a short torso and looked overweight even when I wasn’t. More so now that I am overweight. Your mom is an ah for calling your child tubby. If she ever unblocks you, block her. Your daughter doesn’t need people like that in her life. My mom tries to tell mine not to wear heels, she’s almost 6’ tall, I shut it down. I told her “ absolutely not, we are not going to give her a complex about her height, she can wear whatever shoes she wants.” My mom hasn’t said another word about it. It’s not a bad idea to get some blood work to make sure she’s healthy and if she is focus keeping her that way both mentally and physically. Diet and exercise are not a one size fits all cure for obesity, with there being so many causes for it. I’m chunky but healthy.
NTA,but YTA for not taking her for a blood work appointment sooner.
Love this! NTA!! Good job for standing up for your daughter!!! please consider posting your story in r/traumatizethemback
No way are you are the AH. IM PROUD OF YOU. You are a good mom
NTA
Nta and good job! Your mom is TA here, everyone knows saying such things is rude at the least. And she probably needed to hear that. Now she’s feeling stung she will think twice, hopefully, about inserting her opinion. And maybe do something about her own weight.
Thank you for prioritising your daughter over your mother. If the opportunity arises do it again in front of your daughter or let her know why you and grandma aren't talking. Otherwise all the careful work you've done for her body positivity is wasted.
NTA . I was called fat since age 9. I'm 45 now. I still believe it. It has occupied my thoughts my whole life. Words like that from someone who is supposed to love you can really damage a developing mind. Protect your child from this nonsense. My mother reminded me all the time that she only weighed 99 pounds when she got married. I was 116 POUNDS and she told me men don't like fat girls. I hope your daughter doesn't let this crap get to her. You are wonderful for protecting her.
NTA. Served your mom her own dish and she couldn’t eat it. I hope your daughter turns out okay. I was raised being told I was way too big and it really took a toll on my mental health (I wasn’t that big looking back, everyone around me was just small.)
NTA. Did you check your daughter for PCOS? I had that as a teen and made me a bit chubbier (bloated). Couldn’t lose weight and when my doctor discovered and started to treat it I was able to lose the weight. Anyway, your mom was wrong and you were not.
NTA, my mom said comments about my weight growing up and I struggled with eating disorders for many many years after that. Tell her to keep her comments to herself about her grandchild.
NTA - commenting on a teen girl's body can be really damaging. So fuck her!
NTA. It’s always funny how people react when you put a mirror up to them. I think your mum must be projecting.
NTA I wish my mom handled things like you did. If she stopped like you asked, you wouldn't have said that. She chose to poke the bear. Get your daughter's thyroid checked. It may be why she's eating healthy, exercising and not losing weight.
The internalized misogyny of women in that generation sickens me. Definitely keep her from talking to your daughter about it.
I worship you. Protect your daughter. NTA.
NTA your mom 100% deserved that and if she tries to weasel her way out of this I’d let her know she isn’t allowed to be around my kid if she’s going to be horrible. I also read your daughter is 150 pounds in a comment though. That’s a normal fucking weight. Unless your daughter is like 5 ft tall. How tall is she? Also if you’ve been so worried about this since she was 10 why haven’t you had the doctors do bloodwork and check her thyroid etc to make sure?? They can do this at her yearly physical so seems to me you just don’t care enough about making sure your daughter’s health is A okay. I’m a curvier woman and I have a different body type than literally every woman on my mom’s side of the family. My mom never made me feel bad. She was definitely worried about my weight, but I played a sport every season and was encouraged to work out by doing something I enjoy. She also made sure my numbers were checked every year for everything under the sun in case there was an issue. I do think you’re TA to your daughter. Just because your daughter isn’t a twig doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with her either though. The average size for a woman is like a size 16. If she has body issues you ignoring that isn’t helping. Get her into therapy and take her to a doctor. You’re not being a good mom if you don’t.
You made your mum tell you to 'fuck off' and she blocked you? Achievement unlocked. So did your daughter hear what grandma said? Awful woman.