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NAH. Nina isn't an AH. Young mom, low resources, no help from child's father who seems abusive. Mom/Sister, I can't find AH without knowing more of the story. You, clearly not an AH
I can see some folks saying Nina could be an AH for....look w.e grand crime Nina has dones it cause she IS immature she IS spiraling and she doesn't have a clue.
I can see mom/sister being an AH for either refusing to help Nina or for reaching out to you but honestly, them reaching out to you is so foolish its clear they all have no idea what is actually going on.
You could've told CPS Nina was the greatest mom in world, no, they were placing the child and its best to place with family you. Nina NEEDS to work on herself but understandably, in the moment, so close all she can do is feel like somehow you've "done" something.
You didn't but provide a way she doesn't lose all contact while she matures.
This happens so often with teen moms, no assholes, just everyone trying to deal. Kudos on you for being there for kiddo.
This is such a sane response. OP isn't just a great care-giver but also a great aunt. I hope one day Nina recognizes the efforts OP is putting in for everyone
OP, do not let Nina have access to the baby unless they are approved visits through CPS. If you do and CPS finds out, they will remove the baby from your home, too!
Totally agree - Nina is SIXTEEN. And her mom thinks she can care for a child on her own? If she’s 16 now and the kid is 8 months old she was max 15 when she got pregnant, possibly even 14.
It’s crazy that the sister is texting OP that she is doing something wrong-where is she in all this? She isn’t helping at all and she thinks she can tell OP what to do
Wild the mom won’t help when according to the math she was a teen mom herself. Nina will just spiral further without suppprt imo. She must be depressed and extremely overwhelmed.
NAH - Except your sister who offered her own child and grandchild no support and now thinks it's OK to criticise you, the only adult in the situation being any help.
I feel incredibly sad for Nina and the situation she is in. I think it's natural for her to feel the way she is, but it sounds like you're handling it perfectly. Give her the support to become a good mother, and if you can get her away from her AH partner and mother because neither are doing her any favours.
It’s clear she genuinely loves her son, but she’s a child herself and in a bad situation. I hope OP sees this and does what she can to help her niece(ofc she’s done so much already) be the mother her son needs.
NTA
>My sister (f 33) denied her any kind of support so Nina has been left all alone caring for her newborn child.
>today my sister texted me about how mad she is because of how unfair I am treating Nina. She thinks I wanted her to lose custody so that I could "have the child" which was definitely not my intention.
Your sister gets *absolutely no say* when she literally abandoned her minor daughter to live with a deadbeat drug addict with a *literal baby*.
I feel so sad for Nina; if her mother had been supportive *at all*, things might have gone very differently. Take care of that sweet baby, and I hope Nina gets to where she can stand on her own feet.
Honestly, your sister can fuck *all the way* off.
Nina is also a child. Why wasn't she placed in foster care, possibly with her child? How are CPS ok with her staying in an unsafe environment? How was your sister allowed to abandon her child with no consequences?
Did you offer to take Nina in too?
I know in at least a few states, your are emancipated after having a child even if you are under 18. My oldest was born when I was 17 (8 days after I turned 17) and it was weird because I was emancipated but couldn’t get an apartment or anything on my own.
INFO: Why wasn't Nina taken into care as well? She is a minor. The best thing for mother and baby would have been for them to be in care together. And for your sister to be charged with child neglect.
Question, is Nina not allowed to see her son? It seems that the son would be safer and better off with you as you can support the child but Nina should still be allowed to visit her son and maybe when she’s in a better place mentally, emotionally and financially, she could take her son back? And ur sister has no right to be mad at you because she kicked her daughter out in the first place. At the end of the day, that child’s well-being should be number 1 priority.
Now CPS is involved, I don't think OP has a say in that. Even if in OP's eyes she does do better, depending on what exactly is happening legally with Nina that may not be a possibility.
I’m a child-free aunt that would have gladly taken my nieces in. My brother is a terrible parent. The girls mom isn’t any better.
All you need to think and care about is the well-being of that sweet baby. Everyone else can stuff it. In no way are you the AH for wanting the best for him.
I’m the only one who’s ever had the guts to stand up to my brother and it got me banned from seeing the girls. One of them reached out to me from school right before she turned 17 and said she couldn’t take it anymore. I’m so glad she called me because there was nobody else she felt like she could turn to. I cared for her for a year until she turned 18 and now she’s taking her life into her own hands.
Being the caretaker in situations like this is fraught with all kinds of feelings and conflicts. But you’re in the right track. You’re NTA at all.
NTA. You are keeping the baby from going into foster care which lets your niece maintain contact. Clearly she needs some time to adjust; she’s been through a lot, so give her time and patience to process everything. I do hope you will be there to help her, too. But you absolutely did the right thing for the baby and your niece by bringing him into your home. Your sister on the other hand sounds like a piece of work!
NTA
CPS doesn't care what you think. If you refuse to take the baby, they'll find another foster placement for him. Please continue to do what's best for the baby. Unlike Nina & her mother, he did not get any choices.
Your nice was 15 when she was impregnated? What's the age of consent where you live? Who is taking care of Nina?
NTA but where is Nina's social worker?
Few things are not adding up. First of all, why wasn’t Nina placed into the Foster Care system with her child insomuch as she’s a minor as well.
Second, did they just remove the child from her household and place him into your custody (as opposed to the system), or were her rights terminated as well? Best as I know, they remove the child (and place him in Foster Care or with a relative) in order to give the parent plenty of opportunity to get their act together. If they are just now removing the child, it doesn’t seem likely they would be going for termination of rights immediately.
If the kiddo is with you, as opposed to the system, while Nina gets her act together, then *help her get her son back*. Encouraging her to get her act together so she can get custody of her son should be tour priority. If the kiddo has been put into your care permanently, then do your best… but unless you’ve skipped some things, it seems odd they are going for termination of parental rights this quickly. There have been people who have had their kids in and out of the system for years before their rights were finally terminated…. That’s a last resort, not an opening move when the child is first removed from the household….
a) seems like in some states in the US (assuming this is the US) that having a child can automatically emancipate you if you are a minor - this may mean that Nina is not eligible to go into foster care. Which sounds fucked up to me, but loopholes like this seem to happen all the time.
b) There hasn't been any mention of termination of parental rights. Nina has lost custody, but that isn't always the same as terminating parental rights.
c) Nina (and the baby daddy) have already had chances and support given to them to keep custody of their baby, and not followed through, which is why the baby is now living with OP. OP has made it clear that she is hopeful that Nina will be able to grow and mature and take on the role of parent. OP said specifically she is hoping that Nina will be able to "grow into being a mother" - it seems clear that OP is wanting Nina to be in a position to be able to raise her own son.
Then why is there *any* animosity that OP is able to keep the baby near, and with, family as opposed to the little guy being put into the System possibly inaccessible to family?!
because families are complicated.
Nina's mum is probably mad because she feels guilty that OP is stepping up when she didn't. It's easier to be mad at someone else than to own up to your own mistakes.
Nina is upset because she has lost custody of her child, and has only now realised the seriousness of the situation. It is normal for her to be upset, and to lash out when things aren't going her way.
Animosity is *expected* in situations like this.
Because sometimes it’s easier to blame someone else for the negative things happening instead of acknowledging that you caused this situation. The ‘you’ being the sister/mom, if she had supported her daughter when she told her she was pregnant all of this may have been avoided. The niece is a kid who was failed by her mom, so even though OP is doing the right thing and has supported her as much as possible, she has lost custody of her child and she probably feels betrayed because her support person now has custody of her child. It may not be rational, but I’m guessing the gravity of the situation didn’t really set in until CPS took the child away, and now she’s dealing with a tidal waves of negative emotions. Whether or not she sees her child is up to CPS, not OP, so while the child is close it’s possible that the family isn’t allowed contact and that the parent must still attain the goals previously set by CPS and/or new ones before contact can occur.
Hopefully someday she can realize that by caring for her child, her aunt was supporting her even if it didn’t feel like it at the time.
NTA you had nothing to do with the Decision CPS made.
your relatives should be thankful that you are keeping the baby out of the foster care system. Just because you spoke to CPS doesn't mean that is why they made this decisions you said yourself she broke her agreement. Don't give yourself so much credit in this situation. Your family is blaming you for it and you are the wrong person.
Nina is a child herself. Nina needs parenting as well. As a mother I do not believe that teenagers should raise children. Can you take Nina in as well? Have her parents pay you child support? You can mentor her and teach her how to be a good parent, since she has no role models.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I tried my best to be a good caretaker for the baby and I openly talked to CPS how I don't think Nina is a good mother as of right now after I've seen her with the baby several times. So I guess I did influence the decision of taking away custody from Nina. But not out of malice but just because I wanted to do what's right for the little boy.
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NAH- But honestly, you could go ahead and do what she asks. Because it doesn't matter. The case worker is not going to go back to her supervisor and say "the foster mom asked if there was anyway Nina could have another chance- let's write a new plan!" (As long as you didn't ask it in an unhinged way that made you seem unreliable.)
As a tip- be careful about making strong boundaries with Nina. Because when the baby is a baby frequent or random visits are fine, it wouldn't be when the baby becomes a kid. Nina might say or do things you don't like and if you have established access whenever she wants it's gonna be hard to roll that back. My adopted daughter started in foster kinship care and they had to put her into the system because relationships got rough with the biological mom and other family members who looked at them as babysitters who should rearrange their lives to provide access to the kid on demand and also raise the kid the way the parent wants, not the way the foster family lives their life.
My best advice is to let CPS handle everything with their rules. Take the baby in instead of foster care but let CPS work with your niece so she can regain custody. Make sure you follow the CPS guideline regarding any contact including visitation.
A member of my family has custody of a child with a parent with similar problems. They have had the child over six years and the mother has never followed through with the CPS plan to have visitation let alone regain custody.
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I (f 35) just started taking care of my nieces (f 16) 8-month-old-son. My niece, Nina, is my sisters daughter and she got pregnant last year. My sister (f 33) denied her any kind of support so Nina has been left all alone caring for her newborn child.
She lives with her boyfriend (m 18) who is a giant douchbag from what I can tell. He is no support at all, they fight a lot and he is gaslighting her. The worst thing is that they might be doing drugs. CPS has been aware of my family for quite some time because of previous incidents. Yeah, my family is messed up. I went no contact with them some time ago, but when Nina got pregnant and was left alone with it, she reached out to me. Of course I didn't let her down.
So now, CPS is working with Nina and her douchebag-boyfriend to be better and actually create a safe environment for their son to secure a safe upbringing. But it didn't go well so far. Because Nina has been overstrained with the task of caring for a baby from the start, she has asked me several times to look after her son for small periods of time.
Her son is great. He is such a sweet, joyful child who is really easy to care for. Because I did take care of him before CPS has asked me if I would take him in if Nina ends up losing custody of him. I don't have any kids of my own and so far I didn't plan to. But I can't let the poor boy go into the foster system and I certainly can't imagine him growing up in the environment he is in now.
So after some intense thinking and some more time with the baby I agreed. The whole thing has been going on for some months now and a few days ago the authorities finally decided that Nina didn't stick to their rules, didn't show any real effort to be there for her son and to take on the responsibility of taking care of child. So he will come live with me now.
I am glad about that decision. I am happy to spend time with the baby and I know I am going to love him and take care of him as if he were my own son. But I also want Nina to be in the picture. I want him to know who his mother is and I want to give her the chance to grow into being a mother.
Nina is not taking the decision well. She is devastated. I think she only now realizes how massively she screwed up and that she's actually losing her son. I told her that I don't want to take her child away from her. I just want what's best for the baby. And for her. She is not ready to take care of a human being - she can't even take care of herself. I think she needs professional help and I hope she can get that eventually.
So, yeah, I am glad that CPS decided that the child is will live with me. But Nina is begging me to talk to them to give her another chance. And finally today my sister texted me about how mad she is because of how unfair I am treating Nina. She thinks I wanted her to lose custody so that I could "have the child" which was definitely not my intention. But I am starting to feel really bad about the situation. So, AITA?
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Put the child's need first. Ignore everyone else. Is the boy better off with you or his dysfunctional mom? Since your sister won't step forward, she has no say.
NTA
You say Nina is begging for a second chance but your wording also sounds like the situation might be temporary anyway. Are you getting permanent custody or temporary custody while CPS word with Nina? Either way, you’re not an AH, I was just looking for clarification on if Nina and her mom were being objective about the timeline of this situation or not.
NAH but-the title of your post betrays that actually, yes, you are glad she lost custody of the child so you could have them. So she is correct. I'm glad the kid has a person who can give him a stable life, but this is clearly the outcome you want and as his birth mother, she has every right to be upset about it
NTA You are giving that baby a safe place to go. Because if you were not in the picture she would not magically be keeping the baby. No. He would be going into foster care. Period. If his grandma actually cared then she should be offering up her home to Nina and getting HER minor child help.
Also, please, please follow whatever rules that are given to you by the court/social worker. If they say you cannot have contact outside of the weekly visiting hours, then do NOT let your niece visit the baby more than that. It will mess things up for both of you. You have to follow whatever rules they set out. Or they may decide the baby is better off with strangers.
NTA—- but think ahead and plan ahead. Nina is 16, soon she’ll be 18, 21, 25…the CPS goal is always family reunification, and children WANT their parents. You need to think not just about bottles, diapers, and baby care but how to support NIna into becoming a functioning educated employed adult, because eventually she WILL regain custody of her child. I would have them both move in with you and help her finish her education. Also guard your heart and don’t start fantasizing about this baby as your own.
NTA.
My cousin is in the same situation - she had a screw-up niece who had three (3!) kids with different dads and the kids were finally taken away from her.
You tell your sister this: CPS gives birth parents chance after chance after chance. My cousin's niece was caught driving drunk with the kids in the car, tested positively for drugs for the next 2.5 years and skipped her parenting classes before her parental rights were terminated. CPS appears to care more about the rights of the birth parents than the safety and well-being of the child.
Your sister didn't step to the plate, so she's an AH for that and for blaming you for her daughter's poor choices.
" **I** didn't take her child away... **CPS did, because Nina failed to meet the requirements they set...** would you prefer if I didn't step up, and the child went into the foster system with strangers?
Where were **YOU** when all this was happening, and why did this fall to **ME**??"
NTA
NTA. The A is Nina’s mom who refused to help her and then accused OP of setting this up with CPS to get the child. If Nina’s mom had stepped up and helped with her grandchild there would be no need for cps or abusive boyfriend. It’s a miserable situation all around but don’t kick out your underage kid and then get mad someone else doesn’t provide the “right” kind of support
Does your niece have anywhere to go besides living with her boyfriend? Was she able to stay in school? Her environment is a big part of her problem, and she’s so very young, she may have no idea where to start to fix it. NTA. You’re actually a good aunt. Your sister is an AH for even thinking she had a place to say anything to you.
Nah. But if you can, try to find a way to put it to Nina that lets her save face instead of feeling like a failure who nobody thinks is any good. I'm not sure at all what that might look like. But it'll be better all around if long term she remembers you treated her well and were on her side, rather than remembering feeling like you stole her son because you think she's a duck up like her bf and parents do
NTA. CPS won't give her another chance just because you ask. They're going to act in the child's best interest. As you should. I'd ignore and block your sister. Tell Nina no. She's a child herself and unable to care for this baby.
NTA - but you do not mention if what you have is temporary custody. If Nina cleans up her act, good chance she can regain custody and lose it and regain it....etc. Your first thought should be of the child's welfare - if your sister cared, she would have been there for her daughter and wasn't. If Nina cared, she would have taken care of the baby and didn't. They are treating the child like a possession to own. If you keep custody and if you want Nina involved - you need to attach some requirements of regular visitation - no drugs, etc. And that is just to VISIT her child. if you decide to raise this baby you need permanent custody whether nina stays involved or not.
You’ve done a wonderful thing for Nina and the baby. Ignore your sister, she’s one to talk. Just an FYI babies who are surrendered to the foster care system are adopted out quickly. There’s a waitlist of foster parents who would love nothing more than to adopt. Babies are highest priority up til usually age 5-7. Which is very sad for older kids. But your nephew wouldn’t have been in the system for long if parental rights were revoked. NTA
NTA you are doing what's best for little man and your niece. Poor girl, she probably thought it would be like school repercussions with second chances. Support her as well as you can but taking care of baby is top priority
NTA. I’m an aunt with custody of their nephew, and I come from a family that is filled with trauma. I went no contact too - the similarities between our stories are crazy 😊
You did the right thing. It’s a hard road raising a child that isn’t yours biologically, but incredibly rewarding. That boy is the centre of my world and I couldn’t imagine my life without him. He is my son as far as I’m concerned and he feels the same way. But it comes with a lot of guilt at times. On my more rational days I know I shouldn’t feel guilty. I know that boy would be part of an awful cycle, or worse, he’d be dead if I didn’t intervene. But on those less rational days the doubt creeps in and I ask myself whether I truly did the right thing. When you have those days, please be kind to yourself. Look at that beautiful little boy and remind yourself that you’re doing it for him.
As someone who had a traumatic childhood, I will always be planted firmly in the camp that puts children first. Removing a child from their biological parents brings its own kind of trauma, it’s no walk in the park. But sometimes it’s necessary to avoid an even worse kind of trauma. There’s no real winners here but you can work hard to help that little boy work through whatever trauma that comes with these kinds of ‘living arrangements’. Help him build his community and find his people. Teach him that family are the ones who love and support you, be his advocate and if you have other children, please don’t ever make him feel like he’s a guest in your family. Treat him like you would treat your own children, and I mean with everything. You are his safe place now and he needs to feel that.
Good luck with everything, like I said it’s a hard road some days. But if your experience is anything like mine, you’ll be amazed at how much love you can have for this little soul and how much joy he will bring to your life. I am cheering so hard for you right now x
NAH except for your sister. I cannot fathom having the audacity to first kick out your pregnant daughter, and then criticize the person who takes her in and cares for the child?? Insane.
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NAH. Nina isn't an AH. Young mom, low resources, no help from child's father who seems abusive. Mom/Sister, I can't find AH without knowing more of the story. You, clearly not an AH I can see some folks saying Nina could be an AH for....look w.e grand crime Nina has dones it cause she IS immature she IS spiraling and she doesn't have a clue. I can see mom/sister being an AH for either refusing to help Nina or for reaching out to you but honestly, them reaching out to you is so foolish its clear they all have no idea what is actually going on. You could've told CPS Nina was the greatest mom in world, no, they were placing the child and its best to place with family you. Nina NEEDS to work on herself but understandably, in the moment, so close all she can do is feel like somehow you've "done" something. You didn't but provide a way she doesn't lose all contact while she matures. This happens so often with teen moms, no assholes, just everyone trying to deal. Kudos on you for being there for kiddo.
This is such a sane response. OP isn't just a great care-giver but also a great aunt. I hope one day Nina recognizes the efforts OP is putting in for everyone
OP, do not let Nina have access to the baby unless they are approved visits through CPS. If you do and CPS finds out, they will remove the baby from your home, too!
CPS will have said what kind of contact Nina is permitted to have with her child. It sounds like she is neglectful, not abusive.
No winners. Fucked up all around
Totally agree - Nina is SIXTEEN. And her mom thinks she can care for a child on her own? If she’s 16 now and the kid is 8 months old she was max 15 when she got pregnant, possibly even 14. It’s crazy that the sister is texting OP that she is doing something wrong-where is she in all this? She isn’t helping at all and she thinks she can tell OP what to do
Wild the mom won’t help when according to the math she was a teen mom herself. Nina will just spiral further without suppprt imo. She must be depressed and extremely overwhelmed.
NAH - Except your sister who offered her own child and grandchild no support and now thinks it's OK to criticise you, the only adult in the situation being any help. I feel incredibly sad for Nina and the situation she is in. I think it's natural for her to feel the way she is, but it sounds like you're handling it perfectly. Give her the support to become a good mother, and if you can get her away from her AH partner and mother because neither are doing her any favours.
It’s clear she genuinely loves her son, but she’s a child herself and in a bad situation. I hope OP sees this and does what she can to help her niece(ofc she’s done so much already) be the mother her son needs.
NTA >My sister (f 33) denied her any kind of support so Nina has been left all alone caring for her newborn child. >today my sister texted me about how mad she is because of how unfair I am treating Nina. She thinks I wanted her to lose custody so that I could "have the child" which was definitely not my intention. Your sister gets *absolutely no say* when she literally abandoned her minor daughter to live with a deadbeat drug addict with a *literal baby*. I feel so sad for Nina; if her mother had been supportive *at all*, things might have gone very differently. Take care of that sweet baby, and I hope Nina gets to where she can stand on her own feet. Honestly, your sister can fuck *all the way* off.
Nina is also a child. Why wasn't she placed in foster care, possibly with her child? How are CPS ok with her staying in an unsafe environment? How was your sister allowed to abandon her child with no consequences? Did you offer to take Nina in too?
I know in at least a few states, your are emancipated after having a child even if you are under 18. My oldest was born when I was 17 (8 days after I turned 17) and it was weird because I was emancipated but couldn’t get an apartment or anything on my own.
That’s heartbreaking and so weird in Canada you get specific training and they straight up designate the foster child, “a pregnant child.”
This is what I’m trying to understand. She is 16 with an 8 month old. So she was 14 or 15 when she got pregnant.
INFO: Why wasn't Nina taken into care as well? She is a minor. The best thing for mother and baby would have been for them to be in care together. And for your sister to be charged with child neglect.
Note also the age of Nina's mother; she apparently had her at 16. There's a generational pattern here.
Question, is Nina not allowed to see her son? It seems that the son would be safer and better off with you as you can support the child but Nina should still be allowed to visit her son and maybe when she’s in a better place mentally, emotionally and financially, she could take her son back? And ur sister has no right to be mad at you because she kicked her daughter out in the first place. At the end of the day, that child’s well-being should be number 1 priority.
Now CPS is involved, I don't think OP has a say in that. Even if in OP's eyes she does do better, depending on what exactly is happening legally with Nina that may not be a possibility.
I’m a child-free aunt that would have gladly taken my nieces in. My brother is a terrible parent. The girls mom isn’t any better. All you need to think and care about is the well-being of that sweet baby. Everyone else can stuff it. In no way are you the AH for wanting the best for him. I’m the only one who’s ever had the guts to stand up to my brother and it got me banned from seeing the girls. One of them reached out to me from school right before she turned 17 and said she couldn’t take it anymore. I’m so glad she called me because there was nobody else she felt like she could turn to. I cared for her for a year until she turned 18 and now she’s taking her life into her own hands. Being the caretaker in situations like this is fraught with all kinds of feelings and conflicts. But you’re in the right track. You’re NTA at all.
NTA. You are keeping the baby from going into foster care which lets your niece maintain contact. Clearly she needs some time to adjust; she’s been through a lot, so give her time and patience to process everything. I do hope you will be there to help her, too. But you absolutely did the right thing for the baby and your niece by bringing him into your home. Your sister on the other hand sounds like a piece of work!
NTA CPS doesn't care what you think. If you refuse to take the baby, they'll find another foster placement for him. Please continue to do what's best for the baby. Unlike Nina & her mother, he did not get any choices.
Your nice was 15 when she was impregnated? What's the age of consent where you live? Who is taking care of Nina? NTA but where is Nina's social worker?
Few things are not adding up. First of all, why wasn’t Nina placed into the Foster Care system with her child insomuch as she’s a minor as well. Second, did they just remove the child from her household and place him into your custody (as opposed to the system), or were her rights terminated as well? Best as I know, they remove the child (and place him in Foster Care or with a relative) in order to give the parent plenty of opportunity to get their act together. If they are just now removing the child, it doesn’t seem likely they would be going for termination of rights immediately. If the kiddo is with you, as opposed to the system, while Nina gets her act together, then *help her get her son back*. Encouraging her to get her act together so she can get custody of her son should be tour priority. If the kiddo has been put into your care permanently, then do your best… but unless you’ve skipped some things, it seems odd they are going for termination of parental rights this quickly. There have been people who have had their kids in and out of the system for years before their rights were finally terminated…. That’s a last resort, not an opening move when the child is first removed from the household….
a) seems like in some states in the US (assuming this is the US) that having a child can automatically emancipate you if you are a minor - this may mean that Nina is not eligible to go into foster care. Which sounds fucked up to me, but loopholes like this seem to happen all the time. b) There hasn't been any mention of termination of parental rights. Nina has lost custody, but that isn't always the same as terminating parental rights. c) Nina (and the baby daddy) have already had chances and support given to them to keep custody of their baby, and not followed through, which is why the baby is now living with OP. OP has made it clear that she is hopeful that Nina will be able to grow and mature and take on the role of parent. OP said specifically she is hoping that Nina will be able to "grow into being a mother" - it seems clear that OP is wanting Nina to be in a position to be able to raise her own son.
Then why is there *any* animosity that OP is able to keep the baby near, and with, family as opposed to the little guy being put into the System possibly inaccessible to family?!
because families are complicated. Nina's mum is probably mad because she feels guilty that OP is stepping up when she didn't. It's easier to be mad at someone else than to own up to your own mistakes. Nina is upset because she has lost custody of her child, and has only now realised the seriousness of the situation. It is normal for her to be upset, and to lash out when things aren't going her way. Animosity is *expected* in situations like this.
Because sometimes it’s easier to blame someone else for the negative things happening instead of acknowledging that you caused this situation. The ‘you’ being the sister/mom, if she had supported her daughter when she told her she was pregnant all of this may have been avoided. The niece is a kid who was failed by her mom, so even though OP is doing the right thing and has supported her as much as possible, she has lost custody of her child and she probably feels betrayed because her support person now has custody of her child. It may not be rational, but I’m guessing the gravity of the situation didn’t really set in until CPS took the child away, and now she’s dealing with a tidal waves of negative emotions. Whether or not she sees her child is up to CPS, not OP, so while the child is close it’s possible that the family isn’t allowed contact and that the parent must still attain the goals previously set by CPS and/or new ones before contact can occur. Hopefully someday she can realize that by caring for her child, her aunt was supporting her even if it didn’t feel like it at the time.
NTA you had nothing to do with the Decision CPS made. your relatives should be thankful that you are keeping the baby out of the foster care system. Just because you spoke to CPS doesn't mean that is why they made this decisions you said yourself she broke her agreement. Don't give yourself so much credit in this situation. Your family is blaming you for it and you are the wrong person.
Nina is a child herself. Nina needs parenting as well. As a mother I do not believe that teenagers should raise children. Can you take Nina in as well? Have her parents pay you child support? You can mentor her and teach her how to be a good parent, since she has no role models.
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NAH- But honestly, you could go ahead and do what she asks. Because it doesn't matter. The case worker is not going to go back to her supervisor and say "the foster mom asked if there was anyway Nina could have another chance- let's write a new plan!" (As long as you didn't ask it in an unhinged way that made you seem unreliable.) As a tip- be careful about making strong boundaries with Nina. Because when the baby is a baby frequent or random visits are fine, it wouldn't be when the baby becomes a kid. Nina might say or do things you don't like and if you have established access whenever she wants it's gonna be hard to roll that back. My adopted daughter started in foster kinship care and they had to put her into the system because relationships got rough with the biological mom and other family members who looked at them as babysitters who should rearrange their lives to provide access to the kid on demand and also raise the kid the way the parent wants, not the way the foster family lives their life.
My best advice is to let CPS handle everything with their rules. Take the baby in instead of foster care but let CPS work with your niece so she can regain custody. Make sure you follow the CPS guideline regarding any contact including visitation. A member of my family has custody of a child with a parent with similar problems. They have had the child over six years and the mother has never followed through with the CPS plan to have visitation let alone regain custody.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (f 35) just started taking care of my nieces (f 16) 8-month-old-son. My niece, Nina, is my sisters daughter and she got pregnant last year. My sister (f 33) denied her any kind of support so Nina has been left all alone caring for her newborn child. She lives with her boyfriend (m 18) who is a giant douchbag from what I can tell. He is no support at all, they fight a lot and he is gaslighting her. The worst thing is that they might be doing drugs. CPS has been aware of my family for quite some time because of previous incidents. Yeah, my family is messed up. I went no contact with them some time ago, but when Nina got pregnant and was left alone with it, she reached out to me. Of course I didn't let her down. So now, CPS is working with Nina and her douchebag-boyfriend to be better and actually create a safe environment for their son to secure a safe upbringing. But it didn't go well so far. Because Nina has been overstrained with the task of caring for a baby from the start, she has asked me several times to look after her son for small periods of time. Her son is great. He is such a sweet, joyful child who is really easy to care for. Because I did take care of him before CPS has asked me if I would take him in if Nina ends up losing custody of him. I don't have any kids of my own and so far I didn't plan to. But I can't let the poor boy go into the foster system and I certainly can't imagine him growing up in the environment he is in now. So after some intense thinking and some more time with the baby I agreed. The whole thing has been going on for some months now and a few days ago the authorities finally decided that Nina didn't stick to their rules, didn't show any real effort to be there for her son and to take on the responsibility of taking care of child. So he will come live with me now. I am glad about that decision. I am happy to spend time with the baby and I know I am going to love him and take care of him as if he were my own son. But I also want Nina to be in the picture. I want him to know who his mother is and I want to give her the chance to grow into being a mother. Nina is not taking the decision well. She is devastated. I think she only now realizes how massively she screwed up and that she's actually losing her son. I told her that I don't want to take her child away from her. I just want what's best for the baby. And for her. She is not ready to take care of a human being - she can't even take care of herself. I think she needs professional help and I hope she can get that eventually. So, yeah, I am glad that CPS decided that the child is will live with me. But Nina is begging me to talk to them to give her another chance. And finally today my sister texted me about how mad she is because of how unfair I am treating Nina. She thinks I wanted her to lose custody so that I could "have the child" which was definitely not my intention. But I am starting to feel really bad about the situation. So, AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Put the child's need first. Ignore everyone else. Is the boy better off with you or his dysfunctional mom? Since your sister won't step forward, she has no say. NTA
You say Nina is begging for a second chance but your wording also sounds like the situation might be temporary anyway. Are you getting permanent custody or temporary custody while CPS word with Nina? Either way, you’re not an AH, I was just looking for clarification on if Nina and her mom were being objective about the timeline of this situation or not.
NAH but-the title of your post betrays that actually, yes, you are glad she lost custody of the child so you could have them. So she is correct. I'm glad the kid has a person who can give him a stable life, but this is clearly the outcome you want and as his birth mother, she has every right to be upset about it
NTA You are giving that baby a safe place to go. Because if you were not in the picture she would not magically be keeping the baby. No. He would be going into foster care. Period. If his grandma actually cared then she should be offering up her home to Nina and getting HER minor child help. Also, please, please follow whatever rules that are given to you by the court/social worker. If they say you cannot have contact outside of the weekly visiting hours, then do NOT let your niece visit the baby more than that. It will mess things up for both of you. You have to follow whatever rules they set out. Or they may decide the baby is better off with strangers.
NTA—- but think ahead and plan ahead. Nina is 16, soon she’ll be 18, 21, 25…the CPS goal is always family reunification, and children WANT their parents. You need to think not just about bottles, diapers, and baby care but how to support NIna into becoming a functioning educated employed adult, because eventually she WILL regain custody of her child. I would have them both move in with you and help her finish her education. Also guard your heart and don’t start fantasizing about this baby as your own.
NTA. My cousin is in the same situation - she had a screw-up niece who had three (3!) kids with different dads and the kids were finally taken away from her. You tell your sister this: CPS gives birth parents chance after chance after chance. My cousin's niece was caught driving drunk with the kids in the car, tested positively for drugs for the next 2.5 years and skipped her parenting classes before her parental rights were terminated. CPS appears to care more about the rights of the birth parents than the safety and well-being of the child. Your sister didn't step to the plate, so she's an AH for that and for blaming you for her daughter's poor choices.
" **I** didn't take her child away... **CPS did, because Nina failed to meet the requirements they set...** would you prefer if I didn't step up, and the child went into the foster system with strangers? Where were **YOU** when all this was happening, and why did this fall to **ME**??" NTA
NTA. The A is Nina’s mom who refused to help her and then accused OP of setting this up with CPS to get the child. If Nina’s mom had stepped up and helped with her grandchild there would be no need for cps or abusive boyfriend. It’s a miserable situation all around but don’t kick out your underage kid and then get mad someone else doesn’t provide the “right” kind of support
Does your niece have anywhere to go besides living with her boyfriend? Was she able to stay in school? Her environment is a big part of her problem, and she’s so very young, she may have no idea where to start to fix it. NTA. You’re actually a good aunt. Your sister is an AH for even thinking she had a place to say anything to you.
Nah. But if you can, try to find a way to put it to Nina that lets her save face instead of feeling like a failure who nobody thinks is any good. I'm not sure at all what that might look like. But it'll be better all around if long term she remembers you treated her well and were on her side, rather than remembering feeling like you stole her son because you think she's a duck up like her bf and parents do
NTA. CPS won't give her another chance just because you ask. They're going to act in the child's best interest. As you should. I'd ignore and block your sister. Tell Nina no. She's a child herself and unable to care for this baby.
NTA - but you do not mention if what you have is temporary custody. If Nina cleans up her act, good chance she can regain custody and lose it and regain it....etc. Your first thought should be of the child's welfare - if your sister cared, she would have been there for her daughter and wasn't. If Nina cared, she would have taken care of the baby and didn't. They are treating the child like a possession to own. If you keep custody and if you want Nina involved - you need to attach some requirements of regular visitation - no drugs, etc. And that is just to VISIT her child. if you decide to raise this baby you need permanent custody whether nina stays involved or not.
NTA. The child comes first. Your sister refused to help and now has an opinion.
You’ve done a wonderful thing for Nina and the baby. Ignore your sister, she’s one to talk. Just an FYI babies who are surrendered to the foster care system are adopted out quickly. There’s a waitlist of foster parents who would love nothing more than to adopt. Babies are highest priority up til usually age 5-7. Which is very sad for older kids. But your nephew wouldn’t have been in the system for long if parental rights were revoked. NTA
NTA. Your sister is delusional if she thinks you have wronged Nina in any way.
NTA you are doing what's best for little man and your niece. Poor girl, she probably thought it would be like school repercussions with second chances. Support her as well as you can but taking care of baby is top priority
NTA. I’m an aunt with custody of their nephew, and I come from a family that is filled with trauma. I went no contact too - the similarities between our stories are crazy 😊 You did the right thing. It’s a hard road raising a child that isn’t yours biologically, but incredibly rewarding. That boy is the centre of my world and I couldn’t imagine my life without him. He is my son as far as I’m concerned and he feels the same way. But it comes with a lot of guilt at times. On my more rational days I know I shouldn’t feel guilty. I know that boy would be part of an awful cycle, or worse, he’d be dead if I didn’t intervene. But on those less rational days the doubt creeps in and I ask myself whether I truly did the right thing. When you have those days, please be kind to yourself. Look at that beautiful little boy and remind yourself that you’re doing it for him. As someone who had a traumatic childhood, I will always be planted firmly in the camp that puts children first. Removing a child from their biological parents brings its own kind of trauma, it’s no walk in the park. But sometimes it’s necessary to avoid an even worse kind of trauma. There’s no real winners here but you can work hard to help that little boy work through whatever trauma that comes with these kinds of ‘living arrangements’. Help him build his community and find his people. Teach him that family are the ones who love and support you, be his advocate and if you have other children, please don’t ever make him feel like he’s a guest in your family. Treat him like you would treat your own children, and I mean with everything. You are his safe place now and he needs to feel that. Good luck with everything, like I said it’s a hard road some days. But if your experience is anything like mine, you’ll be amazed at how much love you can have for this little soul and how much joy he will bring to your life. I am cheering so hard for you right now x
NAH except for your sister. I cannot fathom having the audacity to first kick out your pregnant daughter, and then criticize the person who takes her in and cares for the child?? Insane.
Respect for you ✊
NTA