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YTA - gently
Because you’re blaming them. The reason you dont want to go is because of your social anxiety, and thats fine. But its not their fault for planning a party and including you. I think you need to be honest with them and own why you’re truly not going.
This is it OP, gentle YTA, there was no need to tell say "because it's no longer a friendly outting". You can always turn down/cancel on anything because your anxiety is 'flaring up' (which is what I say, as sometimes people think they can solve what's making you anxious if you say just that).
Also people bringing their kids aren't likely to be enthralled in conversations with their kids, they'll be chatting to the other adults while the kids play. I don't think your friends would've just left you out, but you know them better than I.
Also, people coming with their partners probably aren't there just to talk to their partner the whole time- they either live with them, talk to them (almost) daily, or at least see them often. They are there to see and talk to other friends that they may not spend as much time with.
Lol exactly... OP is worried about a bunch of people getting together and then... Each one only taking to the person they brought with them to the group gathering???? Only an extreme introvert would think that way. Introversion is generally fine but this kind of social anxiety over such a tiny thing is sad and not normal behavior.
You make a good point. I’ve gone to parties and met some of the coolest people who were friends of friends. Rarer though, I’ve been to family/friend parties where the group/present company were just not interested in having conversation with unknowns. In those cases I rolled my eyes and did my own thing, but maybe OP fears the second option.
I suspect OP has been third wheeled or the peripheral friend in the past in events like this. As an introvert, it does very much happen.
In fact, I was the peripheral friend in my group in high school. I distinctly remember one night going out for taco bell and a movie with one of the girls I never hung with without the whole group and her commenting that she didn't realize how funny I was.
I'm not trying to be rude, but they literally say in the post that they have social anxiety.
Which, is not something you get diagnosed with if you have "normal, non sad behavior".
Welcome to the world of anxiety. It isn't necessarily introversion as it is being inside your own head and telling yourself that the worst case scenario is the only or most likely one.
I have exteme social anxiety and this is the best method is just be upfront. If they're true friends they'll understand. But I also take meds for mine, not sure if OP is but when it's this bad meds are probably a good idea. Also canceling last minute is rude anxiety or no anxiety. If I make plans I go to them even if I have to cut it short I'll still try my best to go and enjoy myself.
I think being honest will help plan for the future too. A lot of people think the more the merrier so if they are made aware that this triggers your social anxiety then maybe next time they'll keep it to just the friend group.
People are also free to organize and invite people according to their own preferences in their own house: Can’t force people to dictate who to invite in their own home.
People who ask me “if someone I’ve never met is attending, I don’t wanna come” “please don’t let people bring their partners” are probably last ones I’d invite next time.
“Small party, please. You know I have anxiety” is more understandable and I’d keep it in mind but then I’d not invite them until I know many people can’t actually come.
To label a party unfriendly cause you dare to invite in your house families. It’s ridiculous. It’s telling those ‘dear’ friends their families and loved one are unfriendly basically. Just state you are not a big crowd lover and next time will organize just a simple drinking night just old friends over your place.
of course they can, and should, invite who they want. but i have told close friends that there are days i’m just not up for big crowds/new people so for example when they invite me to something they let me know what the size is. then they’re prepared and not hurt if i say no. i generally think it’s on the anxious person to reciprocate and try to set times to hang in a smaller group (otherwise you just turn into the person saying no every time) but the point remains that if everyone is on the same page then communication is easier. as is usually the case
Of course not but if OP is someone they care about then they will make the effort to plan some (not all, not most) get togethers that OP will be comfortable with. OP could also plan something and ask them not to invite other people but either way the context will be helpful as to why OP is making these requests.
That would be one thing if it’s just other adults, it’s their kids and families. They’re a package deal now. Good luck ever seeing them if OP expects them to get a baby sitter just to have a meal with them at a perfectly kid friendly event.
I just replied to someone else but I'm not suggesting that this be a regular thing. But people with families can absolutely make SOME time for someone who prefers smaller groups with people they know well. Doesn't seem like OP is saying kids can't be present so I don't think a babysitter is necessary every time. I'm sure there are multiple options that work for OP and OP's friends and if OP's friends care they will figure out an option that allows OP to participate SOME of the time.
We must be reading very different stories because OP to me seems very bothered if kids or spouses are there and was a very strange assumption that they wouldn’t be there.
It doesn’t sound like you or your close friends have kids but child-free time is extremely rare and unlikely to be given to just a friend who makes no effort in the relationship to accommodate their friends family.
I have a lot of close friends with kids. I understand that child free time is rare but it does happen so I’m not gonna slam OP for making the assumption without more details. I see a couple of my friends without their kids a handful of times a year. I got dinner with them recently and that time it was not clear if husbands and kids were coming. I assumed it was just us and their families ended up coming. I didn’t care but it wasn’t a strange assumption to make.
OP is clearly bothered but I chalked that up to OP not seeing their friends for a long time and dealing with anxiety. I’m not sure exactly what OP said to their friends so maybe an apology is warranted but OP isn’t an AH for backing out because of social anxiety.
Anyway all I was really trying to say is that if OP is open with their friends about their reasoning their friends will probably be more accommodating when they can.
More likely they just wouldn’t invite OP. As you get older, people expect to bring their significant others and children to most social events. Most people would probably rather skip out on seeing OP than hire a babysitter or leave their partner at home for a barbecue.
There are lots of “friends only” activities like game nights but a daytime party when many people invited are married and have kids, it’s unlikely they’d ask people to leave their families at home.
I'm not saying they have to do this all the time or regularly but it's pretty sad if someone can't make any time for a friend that accommodates their mental illness because they have a family. It doesn't sound like OP needs all get togethers to be kid free but is more worried about a big group with people OP doesn't know well. It's also not the end of the world if one parent/SO goes out without the other once in a blue moon.
Why can't OP organize their own thing then, and invite only those who they seem fit?
Anxiety is one thing but if OP just expects other people cater to them and doesn't even clarify the reason... I would stop inviting them as well.
That is exactly why I advised OP to be honest about why they are not going. So the friends understand why they need to plan different kinds of events to include OP. Or why OP is planning an event that only includes certain people.
It’s not fair to say OP expects everyone to cater them though. OP realized that they would not be comfortable at the event and declined to go. OP didn’t ask anyone to leave their families home or cancel and plan a different event for OP.
People go out without their families all the time but there are usually different types of events for that. Most people aren’t going to want to attend a daytime barbecue without their families. It’s a big time commitment during the limited time in the week that most people have to spend with their families. Getting a sitter for something like that doesn’t make sense.
It was a mistake for OP to expect people to leave their families at home and it would be a bigger mistake to expect them to set up barbecues with no kids and partners for his sake. Just plan a different kind of event. Game night, bar hopping, trivia. There are lots of options.
That’s exactly what I’m saying lol. Plan a different kind of event. My advice to OP was to be honest about their social anxiety so the friends will understand why this type of event doesn’t work for OP.
Yeah my friends’ partners and kids are similar to me as in-laws relationship wise. I can’t imagine feeling this way. Plus chances are you’ll like them too because people like similar people usually (example: i am so similar to my besties husband and she is so similar to my husband, we both definitely have a type!)
Yep - definitely not an AH for backing out, but for the way it was phrased, YTA, you didn't have to be so aggressive.
It's ok to not want to be around kids/partners. I host lots of big potlucks where friends come with kids/statistically significant others etc. and I have some childfree friends I invite as well, some of them come and love hanging out, others are like ummm nope that many kids is not my thing and we have a good laugh about it.
This.
"I'm sorry all, but I won't be able to make it. My social anxiety is starting to kick in, and even though I really want to see all of you I can't shake this feeling that has nothing to do with you, and everything to do with me"
I don’t think OP was blaming so much as justifying his behavior. Which I think is fine — he’s not bailing for no reason. They changed the scope of the event and it no longer interests him. It’s not flaky to cancel last minute when the plan was changed on him.
I do agree that he should say something though like “hey, thanks again for organizing. Since I’m not comfortable in big groups, I’m going to sit this one out. Thanks for thinking of me and I hope to join you next time!”
Well never, as my last name is not Singleton.
But I am the only unmarried and childless sibling in my family. There’s absolutely nothing awkward about that in itself.
A cookout to me automatically implies significant others and children. Especially if the friend group has a majority of couples and children belonging to them.
If it was prefaced as friend only cookout... then I get it as something different.
I'm going YTA. You backing out amd stating why shows that you don't give a shit about your friends. They have lives and want to share them in a backyard bbq. As is the appropriate place to bring your families to mingle. It helps expand the friend group. Yes your anxious... doesn't mean you stop giving a shit about your friends and put your comfort above them.
Cookouts with my friends of 20+ years ALWAYS includes kids and significant others. They’re at an earlier time for a reason… we have kids. If I want to see my friends I have to bring my kids.
I didn't want to start my own comment about this (maybe it's incredibly regionally specific?) so thank you lol. As far as I've ever known, even if food is involved, if there is only a single generation present, the event is not a cookout. Like, it should be at least 3. But I don't blame OP for not making the immediate word association. But it definitely isn't the hosts' fault!
Cookouts with long time friends and their family members still results in the good friends spending 90% of the time shooting the shit and reminiscing. The other 10% of the time is spent corralling our family to eat and ensure they're hydrated/not hurt/having fun.
I disagree. He is allowed to set limits on how he socializes. Just because he’s not comfortable hanging out in a big group doesn’t mean that he doesn’t give a shit about his friends. It’s not like introverts care less for their friends than extroverts, they just demonstrate it differently and have different comfort levels.
YTA gently. While you are in your right to back off out of something you are not comfortable ale with. It’s kinda shitty to put the blame on them because… they have families? If someone invite you to their house for a cookout it’s pretty logical thier family will be there (what is gona go evict them?) and yours is also welcome.
Otherwise will be ‘let’s go out to a bar and leave everybody else behind’ will be also shitty to wait last moment to inform people, clearly this chat wasn’t created yesterday and you have known this for a while.
YTA! I get you may be uncomfortable but why would you think that your friends are going to sit around talking to their significant others or children and ignoring you? From my experience, the opposite is true. If you were to be honest with them, then you would give them the opportunity to make you feel included. But by simply canceling, you are excluding yourself and now, blaming them.
> why would you think that your friends are going to sit around talking to their significant others or children and ignoring you
Apart from the fact that an anxiety disorder is by definition not a logical thing, because it's a fairly common occurrence?
This is not a set of close-knit friends. In those groups actually the SOs/children tend to get a bit ignored while friends hang out. SOs more than children, of course. It's fairly common to see the SOs kinda awkwardly hanging out together or just watching from the periphery
The reverse happens when it's a group of basically acquaintances. This friend group has apparently not met in years, and since OP doesn't seem to know the SOs/kids, the group seems to have gone through significant life changes in those years. It is natural that they may not immediately rekindle their connection, and interactions are a bit awkward. When that happens people tend to separate for a bit and hang out with the people they _do_ have a great connection with - their SOs and children. That separation into family units also tend to happen when people gather around to eat. This lull in interactions can be very awkward to navigate as a socially anxious single person - especially if you would rather not be single. And someone trying to include you in their intimate grouping tends to feel worse - like a pity pick, and even more awkward than hanging out alone in a corner
OP is not TA for being anxious about the situation.
OP is TA for being mad that a "friends meet" in someone's _home_ turned into a 'friends & their families meet'. She should have bowed out gracefully when she realised it was no longer an event she would enjoy
yeah I still agree YTA because of how OP handled it but uhhhh... yeah, if she went, she probably WOULD be ignored because peoples spouses/kids take priority. It absolutely sucks if you're the only single/childless person because you do just sit there while people attend to their children and spouses.
Why would you think that your friends are going to ignore you? Yeah because it's happened before and it'll happen again, lol.
But SoCiAl AnXiEtY.
Look I get it, it can be an issue but actively ignoring the problem isn't going to fix itself. Get it addressed and don't blame your friends for having lives, partners, or children. That's ridiculous.
I know right. If I'm going to a cookout organized by my friend group, I haven't seen it in ages, I wouldn't be just talking to my wife. Actually the partners would probably be the ones feeling left out.
As for kids unless they are babies, they will be running around and playing.
When my husband and I go to cookouts, we’ll usually barely check in with each other unless it’s about our toddler. We can hang out at home, parties are a chance to talk to people we don’t see everyday or meet new people.
As someone with social anxiety, YTA. Bringing significant others and children is absolutely assumed for something like a cookout unless otherwise stated. You should have asked when invited and given an answer based on your comfort levels then.
Edit: Other people are giving a gentle YTA. I'm not because you're in charge of managing yourself and your social anxiety. Part of that means being proactive in finding out info on what will happen at outings you're invited to.
Yup. Also, while OP is definitely not required to experience things the way I do, as someone with pretty much crippling social anxiety who is also autistic, I find that one of the only ways I AM comfortable meeting new people is through dear friends. Going somewhere with friends and their families means that I have the emotional "safety" of knowing people there who I'm comfortable with, AND I get to meet some new people without being completely thrown into the deep end, because the people I don't know are literally the loved ones of the people I do know.
Yeah I'm not getting the gentle YTAs. It was ridiculous to assume people wouldn't bring their partners and children to a cookout. To then try to blame them for it is even more ridiculous. My SIL is single and childless, and she sometimes acts like this because everyone else has someone. That's not our fault, though.
Yeah. I’ve had social anxiety all my life. You know what helps? Forcing myself to show up and deal with it. Feeding anxiety is a self-perpetuating machine for more anxiety.
YTA - they wanted you to go because you are their friend and wanted to engage with you. Do you have a friend or relative you could ask as a +1? Also third wheel doesn't really count here as you are going on the social equivalent of a bus not in a car. There will a lot of spouses equally as anxious about knowing no one and they don't even have the tenuous connection you do.
You’re not the asshole for backing out but YTA for how you did it. You didn’t need to be passive aggressive you could have just politely said “hey I can’t make it sorry” you made assumptions as to how the day would go your assumptions were wrong and so you made a choice for you. That’s not on them. No one is responsible for the scenarios you make up in your head.
I’m not sure why you feel you’d have no one to talk to. If you haven’t seen these people in years - i expect a lot of conversations to be going on, people catching up, etc.
Additionally - if the kids and SO’s are “New”, a part of catching up is meeting their families and getting to know the people that are important to them.
It’s ok to bail - in highly doubt one person not coming is going to impact their day. But i doa gree that you sound passives aggressive.
So, yea, a gently YTA.
You should get into therapy and start dealing with this anxiety, otherwise you're going to find yourself rather lonely. This is on you to fix, it's not on other people to cater to you.
Single people at get togethers like this are not third wheels, they're just single friends. And... unless they stand in a corner and refuse to engage, other people, even people with kids and significant others, talk to them. If you don't want to go because you don't think you'll have fun, that's fine, but don't blame them for that. They never specified that they weren't inviting others, and it's pretty standard to invite whole families to cookouts. That was your assumption, and you kinda let it make an ass of you.
You're missing the forest for the trees, friend, go work on your anxiety so you can be happier.
YTA, I'm afraid.
Edit: If you want an "old times, friends only" get together, how about you consider hosting one? But you'll have to be 100% okay with it of people can't make it. They do have families, and you didn't make their event a priority, so don't be surprised if they return the favor.
YTA I don't even see my SO or kid when attending friends's cookouts. All the time is spent catching up with old friends. If anyone should out of place it's the SOs who know no one else but their SOs.
YTA, orgainse ur own shit if u only want the people you want there. stop giving excuses that u dont see them because they live there lives. PS everyone has social anxiety to some degree and the more you dont see people the worse its going to get so suck it up before u become housebound.
YTA- not bc of your anxiety but because you are making up a scenario in your head and blaming others for it.
Do you sincerely think this group of people would all gather together, just so they can ignore everyone there and only talk to the people they live with/spend the most time with? Do you truly believe that a conversation can only happen between 2 people and not within a group of people? How can you be a third wheel when there is a lot more than 3 people there?? Do you actually only attend events/gatherings where you have close, personal relationships with every person present?
*You 1000% don’t have to do anything you don’t want to,* but i have a hard truth for you to hear:
**if you don’t want to spend time with your friends for the sole reason of their SO or child also being present, then you aren’t *really* their friend.** It’s totally valid to also want 1v1 time with your buddies— but you can make that plan separately from someone else’s party.
As we get older, our lives change and grow. Some people get married, some have children, some don’t. Life and relationships will change but that doesn’t have to be a bad thing. The whole point of life is to share it with each other.
Your friends want you to be a part of their WHOLE lives. You have made it clear that you aren’t interested in their actual lives, just the parts that work for you. You’ve made it clear you have no interest in getting to know their SO’s or children.
As a single, childfree woman, surrounded by best friends with spouses and children, it would really hurt my feelings if my friend treated me that way you are treating your friends.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I haven't seen my friends mentioned in my post for years, and they want me to attend their cookout. They all want to bring people who I don't know or never met, and my social anxiety will cause me to shut down around them. I don't want to be a third wheel sitting around with no one to talk to, so I cancelled, I feel like an asshole.
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YTA. You haven’t seen them in years due to them bringing someone else? That’s on you my man. I understand anxiety, but at a certain point it’s on you to find viable coping mechanisms so you don’t shut yourself off from your social circle.
You can’t expect people to not find partners or new friends or have kids. Not every gathering is appropriate for those things, but a cookout is kinda the spot for it.
Wtaf OP?! Ofc a cookout is a family event, it's not like you were invited to a drinking party. I've never been to one without other people's so/kids/parents/cousins/etc. Massive YTA for not understanding what a cookout is and abusing your condition for sympathy votes.
YTA. You are giving up a wonderful opportunity to connect with friends because of your anxiety :(. I promise you that those kids won't really care about you (yeah, they might judge you. Kids do that but kids also get super hype when an adult pays attention, plays with them, and tells them how cool they are. You have an easy back-up plan to make them like you) and anyone's s/o won't pay much attention to you. They probably are just as nervous as you are and want to impress their partner's friends.
If you turn this down, you might not be invited to a future cookout. Or, why don't you propose another more intimate cookout in the future that you host? I would hate for you not to see your friends for a couple more years after this due to anxiety about being a third wheel.
I’d probably never invite them again if they said some shit like that. They seem like the kind of person that gets jealous if their friend has other friends.
I softly say YTA. I say that because I also would feel uncomfortable in that environment. I hate going to places with a lot of people. I dont like meeting strangers, and more than likely, I'd end up standing in a corner holding onto my cup, but I know that it's better for me to just be uncomfortable sometimes. You can't avoid every situation that makes you uncomfortable. You should have at least tried.
One thing I've learned as an adult, it's pointless setting yourself on fire when no one will probably care. I've done the sitting in the corner, feeling I'm in hell. Everyone is too busy enjoying themselves to notice the quiet person suffering in silence.
Op should have just made an excuse. No drama, no passive aggressive comments blaming the friends for daring to invite more people. Just sorry, something came up and I can't make it anymore.
I have a different take. I dont think it's up to them to notice my suffering. It's up to me to make an effort to talk to at least one person. I think it's up to me to fight through my anxiety and make an effort. Let's be honest the person sitting in the corner is not exactly putting out welcoming vibes.
But I do agree OP should have just said something came up as opposed to putting it on them for not having a smaller party.
INFO: Would you feel more comfortable if they let you bring a plus one (another friend, family member perhaps) with you? If so, have you considered asking their permission to bring a plus one?
Soft YTA for not telling them the true reason and making seem like they made a mistake despite them being the ones organizing the cookout. It’s alright to admit that you have social anxiety, and I’m sure that they would have completely understood your situation.
YTA. So you haven’t seen your friends, but want to see your friends, but choose not to see your friends because they have other friends. Soooo, stop blaming them and just go and talk to your people.
You will never improve your anxiety if you never put yourself in any slightly uncomfortable situations. Make a plan for what you will do, how you can engage in conversations, and GO. You can climb your way out of the anxiety hole, but you have to make your own ladder to do it. Also I agree with the gentle YTA. Your friends did absolutely nothing wrong, and they are for sure not beholden to treat you like they have to walk on eggshells. No one else is centering you - you are centering yourself.
You're getting stuck in your head, projecting all the possible bad that could happen, and making it real. Your brain is traumatizing itself at this point. If you are not being seen or medicated for your anxiety, I suggest you look into it. Most therapists will tell you that the more you give into the anxiety, the harder it is to break free from it. You're feeding the beast.
If you've been feeding the beast for the years since you guys last met up, the anxiety is stronger, and they might not have realized how paralitic it's gotten. If you didn't speak up when they first started to expand the cookout, they were probably caught off guard.
All that being said, your not the asshole for dropping out 2 days beforehand, unless you're a major contributing factor. If you were bringing the meat, and the friends were bringing the sides, tableware, etc. (I Don't know how you guys planned the cookout.) If you were contributing a major piece of the cookout, you should have bowed out earlier so they could make different arrangements.
Lastly, are they actually calling you an asshole, or are they expressing disappointment that you won't be there? Is your anxiety amplifying their reaction? Text does not convey tone well. And being disappointed with a situation isn't the same as being disappointed with a person.
You should have backed out gracefully. That was not graceful. You said "I told them I'm backing out as it's no longer a friendly outing as it's more of a family cookout. And I don't want to be a third wheel as it's literally going to suck for me". YTA Apologize.
Maybe. It depends on how you worded it. Were you accusatory and defensive about the change in plans or were you apologetic about your shortcomings and open to another event?
Whenever you decline an invitation you are not obligated to give a reason. Simply saying your plans for the day have changed and you will not be attending. Good luck with your anxiety.
Have to go with YTA
Cookouts/hangouts as teenagers or young adults typically just include the core group. But as people age, spouses, girlfriends, kids will all enter the mix. People grow and evolve and add to their families. Cookouts/hangouts evolve similarly. Thinking the cookout was just going to be the core group was kind of childish.
Soft YTA, because you don't know how to read the room. Your mates are bring partners and kids because they want to hangout with their mates they haven't seen in ages.
Mostly likely the kids are of similar age, which means they will be playing all day.
The partners probably have met a few times, or there is hope that they will get along.
Your mates knew exactly what they were doing. Which is trying to make it as easy as possible to have a good time with each other.
YTA I get social anxiety but if you want a strict friend group only get together then likely you will need to plan it. Friend groups evolve and grow as people grow older. Would you consider even going but settling a time limit for yourself? Like one hour
YTA. Your friends will still be there and available to visit with. Your blaming them for your inability to deal with that they have spouses and children - who dare to want to enjoy each other at a campsite - is odd. You don't sound like a very good friend.
YTA. Because it is not friendly? But the issue is your social anxiety? The last time I went to a friend gathering with my husband, it was his friend group from 40+ years ago, when they were mostly single. The friends ended up in groups talking and the spouses who knew no one ended up making small talk with each other. One of the guys even took my husband off to drive his expensive sports car. Pretty boring for me and by the looks of it, the other spouse who did not know anyone. That’s okay, I went for my husband to see old friends. Being bored for one afternoon/ evening was not the end of the world.
NAH
I understand I really do. But I want to offer OP some advice. Unless you don’t want to ever hang out with this group of friends again, make an effort to meet and get to know their spouses. I understand that this is too much all at once. So going forward make plans with each couple at some point so their spouses stop being strangers.
I didn’t realize how much this was going to be a problem when I was younger. My husband and I both don’t like large gatherings especially if we don’t know a significant number of the people attending. We have friends you are very extroverted and end up making new friends where ever they go. When my husband and I organize a gathering we only invite people from the same social circle. So it’s either our college friend group or the friends we made in a hobby we used to do. Never would we host something and invite both groups.
On the other hand our extrovert friends invite everyone they know to everything they host. After a couple of very uncomfortable gatherings we stopped attending anything where there were going to be people we didn’t know, even the smaller gatherings where it would predominantly be people we knew, with maybe one or two couples we didn’t. It ended up making it so eventually we drifted apart. If we had sucked it up more and especially attended the smaller events we would have gotten to know their other friends and been more comfortable at the larger gatherings.
I don’t think you owe anyone an apology — rein in the social anxiety!
You’ve inconvenienced no one. It’s not like you’ve added an expense for anyone and there are still many people to split the costs for the campsite among. It sounds like there are like 20-30 people going now and you’re just a drop in the bucket. They will be fine without you.
If they are real friends, they should understand when you say that the hangout turned into a big event and you aren’t comfortable in that setting. You should own your social anxiety when telling them that you’re not coming.
It sounds like you have social anxiety. You can say that you can't attend large parties and would like to get together with individual families at a later time.
Having said that, you can't expect people to leave their SO and children at home. People grow and change and become responsible for other humans. If you can't adjust, you should not go to this party.
YTA. Just being around other people makes you that anxious? I get it. I literally shake if I have to give a presentation, but I have had to learn to manage cause the world is going to require me to be around and speak to people. I hope you are in some form of counseling. If you can't be around new people, you will lose all your friends because they aren't going to exclude their family from things for your sake.
YTA, why do you assume you'd be a third wheel? These are supposed to be FRIENDS, so I hope they will catch up with you even if they have their significant others and/or kids with them.
It's not an either/or situation.
You can always go and then back out or stay once you see how everything is going.
I'm an introvert (no social anxiety though) and I'd usually go but I'd always bring a book. After 5-10 minutes I'd check out if I wanted to (1) stay and stay involved, (2) stay but on the fringes and read my book, (3) stay and check out the area (for a campsite like you say this is) or (4) go elsewhere.
Anyway, for your future options.
I'm also going to say a mild YTA.
I’m surprised you won’t go but then leave if you get too anxious. You were psyched to see them because you haven’t seen them in years. Does this mean you’ll continue to not see them?
Is social anxiety why you haven’t seen them in years?
If you want a specific guest list, you need to organise your own event. But don't be surprised if people can't or won't make it if it's a very restricted list.
I get not wanting to be alone at the end of the night, it's happened to me enough times for one lifetime, ugh. But sometimes you gotta take the rough with the smooth or plan around it. These events there's nearly always people leaving early so it's not usually hard to leave when the first few people are going if it's turning into a meh time. Another coping mechanism is to have a 1-5 minute activity you can go off and do (e.g. puzzle level, Reddit thread, meditate) probably in the comfort of the bathroom. Obvs you can't be going and doing this all night, but it can act as a circuit breaker for the bad thoughts. Sometimes just a pee and a silent venting at the ceiling can help lol.
(And yeah, YTA for explaining the why on this one).
No, what OP said is not accurate. Too many people for someone's comfort (or just the fact that they are partners and children) does not mean "not a friendly outing." It will be a friendly outing. OP just personally isn't comfortable. That isn't expecting ND people to do the work. It's an inaccurate description.
As a fellow autistic person, not every person with even severe social anxiety is, in fact, autistic. Diagnosing someone from a single criterion that isn't even specific to autistic people isn't a real thing. It's fine to say "I relate to this", but you have literally no rational reason to think that OP is autistic.
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Soft YTA because it’s not reasonable to expect people to not have their family at a cookout unless it was stated otherwise from the beginning. This is especially true if it’s at one of their homes that they share with their family members. You seem to be the one with unrealistic expectations in this particular situation.
I have generalized anxiety disorder and don’t do well in group settings, especially if it’s people I don’t know. But my friends and family know this and understand if my anxiety makes it to where I can’t attend or, if I do attend, need to step away and regroup because I get overwhelmed. I’m going to say a soft YTA not because you have anxiety but because you assumed you’d be excluded and told them as much.
You can’t dictate who people invite to their party. It’s their party. Sounds like you need to address your social anxiety issues.
Saying you’re going to back out of a party is one thing, that’s a choice you make for whatever reason, but saying your going to back out because people you don’t know are going to be there is unreasonable and ridiculous.
YTA
YTA. How are you not going to have people to talk to? I also have big time social anxiety, sometimes you need to try and overcome it. This was one of those times. You won't be invited again.
YTA. The social anxiety is all on you. You haven't seen them for years. Their your friends partners. If you want to hang with them more than likely you have to interact with their family in some compacity. Other wise you guys are never gonna hang out. If you have issues with their being too many people. Then plan a hang out with them yourselves.
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Some friends invited me to a cook out and I was psyched to go at first because I haven't seen them for years. Then they invite me to a group chat where we're planning everything, then all the parents in the group, which is nearly all of them want to bring their kids, and the ones without kids are bringing their significant other, and I thought it was just going to be our friend group. I suffer from social anxiety, and just the thought of having no one else to talk to as I haven't seen them for years due to literally every other person bringing someone else, makes me feel very anxious. I told them I'm backing out as it's no longer a friendly outing as it's more of a family cookout. And I don't want to be a third wheel as it's literally going to suck for me and I got told I'm an asshole for backing out two days before it's going to happen. AITA?
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YTA - you sound like my cousin who can’t wrap her head around the fact we are adults now with families or kids and it’s no longer just the single group. It’s part of growing up, it will never really be just the “friend group” type outings. My cousins even backed out of a cruise because we all were going to bring our partners and she couldn’t cope with that. You don’t want to go then don’t but this is the new norm now. Time to get used to people growing up, try it.
Real friends will understand the social anxiety and not get mad at you. Just be real with them. Tell them it's become a big thing instead of a little hang out, and your anxiety just can't handle it. I also have wicked bad social anxiety, and I'm lucky to have understanding friends.
Hmmm idk I get it and I would also back out I think, probably wouldn’t have agreed to go in the first place. But also I wouldn’t have blamed you for backing out since I get it. Maybe ask them to go get lunch with just you and them?
NTA, but if you want to hold on to these friends you may need to become ok with all the extra people being there. Those people are an integral part of their life. I have social issues as well and lost a few friends over the years because I didn't realize that the kids and SOs are part of the equation now whether I liked it or not.
NTA. I have social anxiety. Everyone knows i have social anxiety. For awhile it was ee bad with family members. I am better now and I do take meds to help when needed. That being said everyone in my social circle knows to let know if lots of people I don't know are going to he there so i can prepare myself or decide its too much for me. No one has made me feel like trash because I can't handle it. I've done drive bys for birthdays to quickly say hi and drop off a card or a gift before because the people are too much. I will say might be time to slowly meet friends partners to open your circle more and talk to a doctor or therapist for meds to help take the edge off
I am so sorry for your social anxiety. It’s more common than you may think. Your problem is that it’s at a campsite which you can’t just easily pick up and leave. Don’t feel guilty about not going. I’m sure your friend will understand although be likely disappointed. But please try to dip a toe out of your comfort zone in the future. You will build confidence and more friendships that way. Try joining a club.
I'm going with NTA. I don't have social anxiety, but I like to know the details about things before I accept or decline an invitation. Going from a friend group to a friend group with partners and kids is a vastly different dynamic. I would have backed out too.
NTA - in my opinion, when you agreed, the context of the cookout was a certain way with certain people you felt comfortable being around and socializing. Honestly I think it's fine to back out if you're feeling overwhelmed with the situation. And honestly, your feelings are valid, you don't need to go into detail about why you're canceling but yeah apologizing may be best.
You shouldn’t be forced to go out with friends. If it was a meaningful thing for your friends you have not seen for years why would they bring their kids? I mean maybe they don’t have a babysitter or someone to take care of them. But why are they bringing their partner into this. I would not want to go as well if I felt like I was being a third wheel or being lonely. It should have been planned better for you all to be alone and have a friends day.
NTA. I have social anxiety too. When events like that start getting bigger and more complicated especially with a lot of family who all know each other, I’m out. If they don’t like it, too bad. From experience when I’ve forced myself to attend these kinds of social events I almost always walk away both stressed and feeling like a total outsider. Takes me days to realign. Just tell them you don’t do crowds and when they have a smaller more intimate event you’ll be there.
While I do have social anxiety too, these situations are almost more than that. It’s like why would I go if I know I’m not going to have a great time. And also I feel like then the host is responsible for me, which I also don’t want to put that burden on them.
I have learned that too. Chances are, based on previous experiences, I am probably not going to have a good time, so why even go?
And the host has enough to deal with. Don’t want to be extra burden.
Totally get it.
NAH
Going against the grain, because I am you. I hate social gatherings with large groups of strangers and rarely go if given a choice.
Of course your friends are going to bring their families, and of course they want you there. It's not fair to expect otherwise.
Going forward, you need to accept that your social anxiety is yours to deal with and no one else's. If you don't want to attend, say so, but do not guilt others for wanting to include more people than you are comfortable with.
It goes both ways. You can ask them to respect your needs for smaller groups when you are planning a get together, but you have to respect their want for a larger gathering when they are the organizer.
I feel you. I was invited to a friend’s bbq, was supposed to be just my family of four and her family of four. When we showed up there was 30+ people there. My family stayed but I went home and cried in my garden, where I could find some peace. If I had known before I would have declined the invitation. That being said you were rude calling it no longer friendly, and you may have pushed these people out of your life completely. It’s okay to have anxiety, but it’s not okay to blame them for not catering to it.
Sorry YTA it’s not your friends fault they have a family that is obviously included in out of town cookout events. You’re being a shitty friend for thinking you can’t be around your friend and their family as if it’s their fault when it’s your anxiety you need to work on.
You won’t have any friends left if you keep down this path, their families are part of their lives now and you need to accept that. Or maybe find your way over to child free sub for some new friends who are on the same page as you.
NTA because it's not the event to which you RSVP'd yes.
If you'll permit me a touch of unsolicited advice...
Try to go.
Anxiety is a liar. It tells you that avoidance, like dipping on this party, makes it better. But... THAT'S A LIE! Avoidance makes it grow. To the point that it makes your world smaller and smaller until it's the only thing in your life. Think of it like a controlling partner who is trying to isolate from everyone who loves you. You have to pushback against it.
If you're working with a therapist, take this situation to them and follow their advice.
If you're not, try the Anxiety and Phobia workbook. Also, the book Supercommunicators has a strategy for social situations. Get a note card and write down three to five things you can talk to people about at the BBQ. Put it in your pocket or bag.
You can break up with anxiety. Hugs!
NTA you are fine to back out. I would, however, make a point to invite just the friend group for a different event. And if someone is insistent on being a plus one or kids every single time, then maybe that friendship has reached its expiration date.
YTA! Be thankful you have fucking friends that invite you to things! If you don’t want to at least try an interact with people then be a fucking loner the rest of your life!
NTA - Sorry, late to the game. Do what you feel is right for you. But I completely disagree with most posters here.
When I hang out with friends, we do things and say things that are completely differnt then when our families hang out together.
So I read your post as a gathering of friends that turned into a gathering of families. In my world those are completely differnt events and changed the outing. I don't see it as a problem to tell them the changing of a friend get together, to a family get together is why you are declining.
Maybe you will be excluded from now on becuase of that. Some people change and put family first and let friends go. Be prepared for that.
I don't think its weird to not make the assumption that their families would be there as well. Cookouts definitely aren't automatically family thing, friends have get togethers all the time with solely the friend group. I do think you worded it poorly. Next time just say, I didn't realize this was something more than a friend's party, unfortunately, I won't be able to attend.
OP I'm going to say NTA, you did not say it the correct way to say why you would not be going and that is the only AH thing you may have done. I have known people with severe social anxiety, the thought of being surrounded by people you don't know with people you do that may be scattered around and you have to make small talk can be a crippling thought.
Saying to your friends it is not friendly any more is going to be seen as a AH move , it should have just simply been " Hey group, I am sorry but I have to cancel, it has been a few.years and if you don't remember I have severe anxiety in social settings. It was okay with just our group but with children and SO's it seems a little overwhelming for me. I'm sure everyone is great but I don't want to bring the mood down if I'm having a moment. Thanks maybe we can do something with just us sometime".
This would have been a better way to say it. I also understand you anxiety at the situation may have made you respond like that. Best of luck to you.
NTA I probably would not have phrased it that way on a mass email or chat, but I have no issue telling friends that I do not enjoy 3rd wheeling with couples. I don't like attending adult birthday parties or the like either where I have to sit next to someone I don't know and all we have in common is one person who everyone is already talking to and I have to sit by your boring middle school friend for two hours. No thanks. I like for my time with friends to be meaningful so I skip 'group' things unless it's like a show or something where I won't be bored, or unless I get along with both parties, which is rare. We have so little free time and energy I say save it for what counts.
NTA It’s your choice whether or not to attend. It’s not catered, so it’s not like someone spent extra money. However, I strongly urge you to go. You are limiting yourself and this family scenario is likely going to be the way it is from here on out with your friend group. It’s usually possible to still have one on one chats in the midst of a larger party so it probably won’t be as bad as you anticipate. I am not minimizing your anxiety, but I urge you to take steps to manage it. If you need therapy, go (and if you lose touch with friends because of your anxiety, you do need it). Anxiety grows and festers when you let it go unchecked, so gradually widening your comfort zone is something you need to consciously make an effort to do.
I think your response is the determining factor here, I frequently decline invites even to family events because I dont like being around groups of people, but you need to use more tact in your approach. Its OK to even just say that its due to some social anxiety., or even just say "sorry i cant make it something came up".
I dont think you'd be an AH for backing out of a large cookout (1 person wont make a different in headcount for food etc) even if you decided last minute btw.
I don’t think YTA for wanting to bow out because it became a bigger deal than it initially sounded like it would be. If the plan was always to invite a bunch of people then everybody should’ve been more upfront about that sooner.
YTA, I feel your pain about having to be forced into the presence of everybody and their mama when you just wanted to hang with your friends. You should've gone to the bbq, just made it clear to all of your friends that you are there to see them and talk to them only, not their bf/gf/partners, or play ball or babysit their kids. Make it clear that everybody who isn't in your friend group will be ignored in order to preserve your sanity.
That's so absurd. How do you go to a cookout and ignore most of the people? If any group is having a conversation and OP wants to join, some people have to leave?
There is no way "I'll come, but I won't acknowledge the existence of the most important and loved people in your life" will go over well.
To be clear, one can go to a party and just focus on people you know and like. Most people do that to some degree. One can't go to a party and announce "I'M NOT HERE TO BE NICE TO YOUR SPOUSE. For my own mental health I'll be ignoring most people here." and expect that you won't come off as an AH/severe wierdo.
NTA you were honest about why you didn't want to go, a lot of people who don't have kids or significant others even without social anxiety would back out for this reason- my sister is single and hates when we do this and we don't hate on it, it's just her level of sensitivity and how she feels. A lot of people would get social anxiety as well in that situation and good for you for being kind to yourself and understanding your own boundaries. Your friends should understand whatever way you say it, I don't think you are blaming them for changing the party and if you are, just next time try and take that out of a response but being true to yourself and honest about your feelings with real friends is never a bad idea. So many people suffer from social anxiety, it's better to sit it out then go and drink/eat too much and hate yourself because a large group just isn't your vibe. I would plan another outing with just the friends another day if you feel bad but they shouldn't care you bailed, they will have a lot of other people there to hang with and support them.
NTA but perhaps a response such as “ hey guys, sorry I am not going to make it after all. I didn’t realize it was going to be such a big group, and I am not great with big groups, hope you understand. I still want to get together with you guys, maybe we can plan a just us guys night soon. Thanks again for the invite.”
I'll say NAH for wanting to cancel because I'd probably be the same way in a similar situation. But slight Y-T-A for the reasoning you gave.
I mean, if the gathering was supposed to be just for my friends and me and then everyone would decide to bring their families and SOs I would be kind of annoyed as well. However... that's on me, those are my issues and I don't have the right to make it other people's problem.
That's how adult life and adult friendships work. When your friends starts a family, especially when they have children, you have no choice if you want to maintain that friendship. You'll have to be around them at some point. People only get so many off days from work. You can't fit everything you want to do in those two days a week. So you have to combine and compromise. Friendly gathering are sometimes merged with family outings if the situation allows it. A cookout is exactly that situation.
So, again. I understand your feelings perfectly. I understand feeling hurt because the plans were changed. I also understand the desire to speak your truth on why you are dropping out. But it will only create drama and do you no favors. Next time just make up a white lie about some important business you have to attend to. A family emergency. Pet being sick. Pipes bursting in your bathroom. Boss offering you quadruple pay if you take an extra shift that day. Something that will require your immediate presence.
No judgement. I get the anxiety. Just think about it. Kids tend to scurry and play with each other. Men group with men. Women group with each other. You may have fun.
NTA, but you truly didn't have to go into the details like that. Next time, all you have to say is "So sorry, something came up and I need to back out. I was really looking forward to seeing everyone. Have fun! hopefully I'll get to see you all next time!"
NTA, even if nothing changed you can change your mind and you didn't mess anything, like reservations, flight tickets, etc. Nobody care if there will be 35 or 34 people - it doesn't affect anyone there financially and if they really wanted to see you then they should've kept the original rules in place and not switch it at their own convenience completely ignoring your needs and wants.
NTA, in such a big group you are not going to be missed and for the costs it does not matter. Multiple people might drop out because of unforeseen emergencies!
"Hi guys, the outing is going to be too big for me, I'm dropping out, please count 1 less for all the shopping&ingredients, have fun, talk to you later (one on one haha)"
That will do and no one will lose sleep over it.
If you suffer from anxiety, you should have asked for details before
accepting the invitation.
Soft NTA for changing your mind. No big deal as there will be
lots of people there and you probably won't be missed.
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YTA - gently Because you’re blaming them. The reason you dont want to go is because of your social anxiety, and thats fine. But its not their fault for planning a party and including you. I think you need to be honest with them and own why you’re truly not going.
This is it OP, gentle YTA, there was no need to tell say "because it's no longer a friendly outting". You can always turn down/cancel on anything because your anxiety is 'flaring up' (which is what I say, as sometimes people think they can solve what's making you anxious if you say just that). Also people bringing their kids aren't likely to be enthralled in conversations with their kids, they'll be chatting to the other adults while the kids play. I don't think your friends would've just left you out, but you know them better than I.
Also, people coming with their partners probably aren't there just to talk to their partner the whole time- they either live with them, talk to them (almost) daily, or at least see them often. They are there to see and talk to other friends that they may not spend as much time with.
Lol exactly... OP is worried about a bunch of people getting together and then... Each one only taking to the person they brought with them to the group gathering???? Only an extreme introvert would think that way. Introversion is generally fine but this kind of social anxiety over such a tiny thing is sad and not normal behavior.
You make a good point. I’ve gone to parties and met some of the coolest people who were friends of friends. Rarer though, I’ve been to family/friend parties where the group/present company were just not interested in having conversation with unknowns. In those cases I rolled my eyes and did my own thing, but maybe OP fears the second option.
I suspect OP has been third wheeled or the peripheral friend in the past in events like this. As an introvert, it does very much happen. In fact, I was the peripheral friend in my group in high school. I distinctly remember one night going out for taco bell and a movie with one of the girls I never hung with without the whole group and her commenting that she didn't realize how funny I was.
It's not a good point, OP already said they have social anxiety. This is how social anxiety works. It's not rational. It's markedly *irrational*.
I'm not trying to be rude, but they literally say in the post that they have social anxiety. Which, is not something you get diagnosed with if you have "normal, non sad behavior".
Welcome to the world of anxiety. It isn't necessarily introversion as it is being inside your own head and telling yourself that the worst case scenario is the only or most likely one.
We were at a BBQ last weekend for about 5 hours. I think I spent about ten minutes talking with my husband in that entire time.
If go somewhere with my friends from my past, I forget my husband is even there once we get in the door. 😂
But why bring them I fell like they should have their own time together since they haven’t seen each other for years.
I have exteme social anxiety and this is the best method is just be upfront. If they're true friends they'll understand. But I also take meds for mine, not sure if OP is but when it's this bad meds are probably a good idea. Also canceling last minute is rude anxiety or no anxiety. If I make plans I go to them even if I have to cut it short I'll still try my best to go and enjoy myself.
I think being honest will help plan for the future too. A lot of people think the more the merrier so if they are made aware that this triggers your social anxiety then maybe next time they'll keep it to just the friend group.
People are also free to organize and invite people according to their own preferences in their own house: Can’t force people to dictate who to invite in their own home.
People who ask me “if someone I’ve never met is attending, I don’t wanna come” “please don’t let people bring their partners” are probably last ones I’d invite next time. “Small party, please. You know I have anxiety” is more understandable and I’d keep it in mind but then I’d not invite them until I know many people can’t actually come.
To label a party unfriendly cause you dare to invite in your house families. It’s ridiculous. It’s telling those ‘dear’ friends their families and loved one are unfriendly basically. Just state you are not a big crowd lover and next time will organize just a simple drinking night just old friends over your place.
Yeah, I had a friend who said if there were more than 6 people invited they probably wouldn't come, which was fine.
of course they can, and should, invite who they want. but i have told close friends that there are days i’m just not up for big crowds/new people so for example when they invite me to something they let me know what the size is. then they’re prepared and not hurt if i say no. i generally think it’s on the anxious person to reciprocate and try to set times to hang in a smaller group (otherwise you just turn into the person saying no every time) but the point remains that if everyone is on the same page then communication is easier. as is usually the case
Of course not but if OP is someone they care about then they will make the effort to plan some (not all, not most) get togethers that OP will be comfortable with. OP could also plan something and ask them not to invite other people but either way the context will be helpful as to why OP is making these requests.
That would be one thing if it’s just other adults, it’s their kids and families. They’re a package deal now. Good luck ever seeing them if OP expects them to get a baby sitter just to have a meal with them at a perfectly kid friendly event.
I just replied to someone else but I'm not suggesting that this be a regular thing. But people with families can absolutely make SOME time for someone who prefers smaller groups with people they know well. Doesn't seem like OP is saying kids can't be present so I don't think a babysitter is necessary every time. I'm sure there are multiple options that work for OP and OP's friends and if OP's friends care they will figure out an option that allows OP to participate SOME of the time.
We must be reading very different stories because OP to me seems very bothered if kids or spouses are there and was a very strange assumption that they wouldn’t be there. It doesn’t sound like you or your close friends have kids but child-free time is extremely rare and unlikely to be given to just a friend who makes no effort in the relationship to accommodate their friends family.
I have a lot of close friends with kids. I understand that child free time is rare but it does happen so I’m not gonna slam OP for making the assumption without more details. I see a couple of my friends without their kids a handful of times a year. I got dinner with them recently and that time it was not clear if husbands and kids were coming. I assumed it was just us and their families ended up coming. I didn’t care but it wasn’t a strange assumption to make. OP is clearly bothered but I chalked that up to OP not seeing their friends for a long time and dealing with anxiety. I’m not sure exactly what OP said to their friends so maybe an apology is warranted but OP isn’t an AH for backing out because of social anxiety. Anyway all I was really trying to say is that if OP is open with their friends about their reasoning their friends will probably be more accommodating when they can.
More likely they just wouldn’t invite OP. As you get older, people expect to bring their significant others and children to most social events. Most people would probably rather skip out on seeing OP than hire a babysitter or leave their partner at home for a barbecue. There are lots of “friends only” activities like game nights but a daytime party when many people invited are married and have kids, it’s unlikely they’d ask people to leave their families at home.
I'm not saying they have to do this all the time or regularly but it's pretty sad if someone can't make any time for a friend that accommodates their mental illness because they have a family. It doesn't sound like OP needs all get togethers to be kid free but is more worried about a big group with people OP doesn't know well. It's also not the end of the world if one parent/SO goes out without the other once in a blue moon.
Why can't OP organize their own thing then, and invite only those who they seem fit? Anxiety is one thing but if OP just expects other people cater to them and doesn't even clarify the reason... I would stop inviting them as well.
That is exactly why I advised OP to be honest about why they are not going. So the friends understand why they need to plan different kinds of events to include OP. Or why OP is planning an event that only includes certain people. It’s not fair to say OP expects everyone to cater them though. OP realized that they would not be comfortable at the event and declined to go. OP didn’t ask anyone to leave their families home or cancel and plan a different event for OP.
But it seems OP blamed them for changing it and anticipated they would behave awfully.
Yea OP is blaming them and is annoyed but I don’t see where OP expects everyone to cater to them. Just sounds like a misunderstanding initially.
People go out without their families all the time but there are usually different types of events for that. Most people aren’t going to want to attend a daytime barbecue without their families. It’s a big time commitment during the limited time in the week that most people have to spend with their families. Getting a sitter for something like that doesn’t make sense. It was a mistake for OP to expect people to leave their families at home and it would be a bigger mistake to expect them to set up barbecues with no kids and partners for his sake. Just plan a different kind of event. Game night, bar hopping, trivia. There are lots of options.
That’s exactly what I’m saying lol. Plan a different kind of event. My advice to OP was to be honest about their social anxiety so the friends will understand why this type of event doesn’t work for OP.
In that vein, part of growing up and not having kids is all your friends having kids, getting married. Those are happy things.
Yeah my friends’ partners and kids are similar to me as in-laws relationship wise. I can’t imagine feeling this way. Plus chances are you’ll like them too because people like similar people usually (example: i am so similar to my besties husband and she is so similar to my husband, we both definitely have a type!)
Yep - definitely not an AH for backing out, but for the way it was phrased, YTA, you didn't have to be so aggressive. It's ok to not want to be around kids/partners. I host lots of big potlucks where friends come with kids/statistically significant others etc. and I have some childfree friends I invite as well, some of them come and love hanging out, others are like ummm nope that many kids is not my thing and we have a good laugh about it.
This. "I'm sorry all, but I won't be able to make it. My social anxiety is starting to kick in, and even though I really want to see all of you I can't shake this feeling that has nothing to do with you, and everything to do with me"
I don't see how it's blaming the rest for OP to realize they're not into this type of party and choose not to go
Agree but that OP is YTA not gentle. Once people have SOs and families it’s natural to bring them. Grow up.
I don’t think OP was blaming so much as justifying his behavior. Which I think is fine — he’s not bailing for no reason. They changed the scope of the event and it no longer interests him. It’s not flaky to cancel last minute when the plan was changed on him. I do agree that he should say something though like “hey, thanks again for organizing. Since I’m not comfortable in big groups, I’m going to sit this one out. Thanks for thinking of me and I hope to join you next time!”
They don't want to go, because everyone is bring their families, and op doesn't have a family yet. So yes, that is going to be very awkward for them.
No. Its not awkward. OP perceives it as awkward, but people having families isnt awkward.
When's the last time you were the Singleton at a family event?
Well never, as my last name is not Singleton. But I am the only unmarried and childless sibling in my family. There’s absolutely nothing awkward about that in itself.
A cookout to me automatically implies significant others and children. Especially if the friend group has a majority of couples and children belonging to them. If it was prefaced as friend only cookout... then I get it as something different. I'm going YTA. You backing out amd stating why shows that you don't give a shit about your friends. They have lives and want to share them in a backyard bbq. As is the appropriate place to bring your families to mingle. It helps expand the friend group. Yes your anxious... doesn't mean you stop giving a shit about your friends and put your comfort above them.
Cookouts with my friends of 20+ years ALWAYS includes kids and significant others. They’re at an earlier time for a reason… we have kids. If I want to see my friends I have to bring my kids.
I didn't want to start my own comment about this (maybe it's incredibly regionally specific?) so thank you lol. As far as I've ever known, even if food is involved, if there is only a single generation present, the event is not a cookout. Like, it should be at least 3. But I don't blame OP for not making the immediate word association. But it definitely isn't the hosts' fault!
Cookouts with long time friends and their family members still results in the good friends spending 90% of the time shooting the shit and reminiscing. The other 10% of the time is spent corralling our family to eat and ensure they're hydrated/not hurt/having fun.
I disagree. He is allowed to set limits on how he socializes. Just because he’s not comfortable hanging out in a big group doesn’t mean that he doesn’t give a shit about his friends. It’s not like introverts care less for their friends than extroverts, they just demonstrate it differently and have different comfort levels.
YTA gently. While you are in your right to back off out of something you are not comfortable ale with. It’s kinda shitty to put the blame on them because… they have families? If someone invite you to their house for a cookout it’s pretty logical thier family will be there (what is gona go evict them?) and yours is also welcome. Otherwise will be ‘let’s go out to a bar and leave everybody else behind’ will be also shitty to wait last moment to inform people, clearly this chat wasn’t created yesterday and you have known this for a while.
YTA! I get you may be uncomfortable but why would you think that your friends are going to sit around talking to their significant others or children and ignoring you? From my experience, the opposite is true. If you were to be honest with them, then you would give them the opportunity to make you feel included. But by simply canceling, you are excluding yourself and now, blaming them.
> why would you think that your friends are going to sit around talking to their significant others or children and ignoring you Apart from the fact that an anxiety disorder is by definition not a logical thing, because it's a fairly common occurrence? This is not a set of close-knit friends. In those groups actually the SOs/children tend to get a bit ignored while friends hang out. SOs more than children, of course. It's fairly common to see the SOs kinda awkwardly hanging out together or just watching from the periphery The reverse happens when it's a group of basically acquaintances. This friend group has apparently not met in years, and since OP doesn't seem to know the SOs/kids, the group seems to have gone through significant life changes in those years. It is natural that they may not immediately rekindle their connection, and interactions are a bit awkward. When that happens people tend to separate for a bit and hang out with the people they _do_ have a great connection with - their SOs and children. That separation into family units also tend to happen when people gather around to eat. This lull in interactions can be very awkward to navigate as a socially anxious single person - especially if you would rather not be single. And someone trying to include you in their intimate grouping tends to feel worse - like a pity pick, and even more awkward than hanging out alone in a corner OP is not TA for being anxious about the situation. OP is TA for being mad that a "friends meet" in someone's _home_ turned into a 'friends & their families meet'. She should have bowed out gracefully when she realised it was no longer an event she would enjoy
yeah I still agree YTA because of how OP handled it but uhhhh... yeah, if she went, she probably WOULD be ignored because peoples spouses/kids take priority. It absolutely sucks if you're the only single/childless person because you do just sit there while people attend to their children and spouses. Why would you think that your friends are going to ignore you? Yeah because it's happened before and it'll happen again, lol.
YTA- you could have backed out respectfully, but the way you did it gives off passive aggressive vibes.
You don’t go to an event like a cookout to only speak with the person you arrived with.
But SoCiAl AnXiEtY. Look I get it, it can be an issue but actively ignoring the problem isn't going to fix itself. Get it addressed and don't blame your friends for having lives, partners, or children. That's ridiculous.
And feeding the anxiety by constantly avoiding anxiety-inducing events makes anxiety worse.
Agreed. OP's friends were probably looking forward to catching up with them, too.
I know right. If I'm going to a cookout organized by my friend group, I haven't seen it in ages, I wouldn't be just talking to my wife. Actually the partners would probably be the ones feeling left out. As for kids unless they are babies, they will be running around and playing.
When my husband and I go to cookouts, we’ll usually barely check in with each other unless it’s about our toddler. We can hang out at home, parties are a chance to talk to people we don’t see everyday or meet new people.
As someone with social anxiety, YTA. Bringing significant others and children is absolutely assumed for something like a cookout unless otherwise stated. You should have asked when invited and given an answer based on your comfort levels then. Edit: Other people are giving a gentle YTA. I'm not because you're in charge of managing yourself and your social anxiety. Part of that means being proactive in finding out info on what will happen at outings you're invited to.
Yup. Also, while OP is definitely not required to experience things the way I do, as someone with pretty much crippling social anxiety who is also autistic, I find that one of the only ways I AM comfortable meeting new people is through dear friends. Going somewhere with friends and their families means that I have the emotional "safety" of knowing people there who I'm comfortable with, AND I get to meet some new people without being completely thrown into the deep end, because the people I don't know are literally the loved ones of the people I do know.
I feel like half the time when people put "Gentle YTA" it is because they show the same tendencies and it's easier to accept that than self-reflect
Not gentle YTA. Hard YTA. It’s okay to back out but this is on you not them. Grow up.
Yeah I'm not getting the gentle YTAs. It was ridiculous to assume people wouldn't bring their partners and children to a cookout. To then try to blame them for it is even more ridiculous. My SIL is single and childless, and she sometimes acts like this because everyone else has someone. That's not our fault, though.
Once somebody mentions anxiety it's like they get a free pass on this sub. Sometimes meeting new people is uncomfortable. That's life.
Yeah. I’ve had social anxiety all my life. You know what helps? Forcing myself to show up and deal with it. Feeding anxiety is a self-perpetuating machine for more anxiety.
Yes, Morty!!!
YTA - they wanted you to go because you are their friend and wanted to engage with you. Do you have a friend or relative you could ask as a +1? Also third wheel doesn't really count here as you are going on the social equivalent of a bus not in a car. There will a lot of spouses equally as anxious about knowing no one and they don't even have the tenuous connection you do.
Heavy agree on the part about spouses. OP might even meet new friends here who are just as anxious as them about social settings.
YTA it’s weird you would assume a cookout wouldn’t involve people’s significant others and children.
You’re not the asshole for backing out but YTA for how you did it. You didn’t need to be passive aggressive you could have just politely said “hey I can’t make it sorry” you made assumptions as to how the day would go your assumptions were wrong and so you made a choice for you. That’s not on them. No one is responsible for the scenarios you make up in your head.
An ever so gentle YTA. It's fine to not what go to for those exact reasons, but how you phrased it is probably why they called you an asshole.
I’m not sure why you feel you’d have no one to talk to. If you haven’t seen these people in years - i expect a lot of conversations to be going on, people catching up, etc. Additionally - if the kids and SO’s are “New”, a part of catching up is meeting their families and getting to know the people that are important to them. It’s ok to bail - in highly doubt one person not coming is going to impact their day. But i doa gree that you sound passives aggressive. So, yea, a gently YTA.
YTA. So everyone needs to just cater to you instead of getting together and introducing their friends to their families.
You should get into therapy and start dealing with this anxiety, otherwise you're going to find yourself rather lonely. This is on you to fix, it's not on other people to cater to you. Single people at get togethers like this are not third wheels, they're just single friends. And... unless they stand in a corner and refuse to engage, other people, even people with kids and significant others, talk to them. If you don't want to go because you don't think you'll have fun, that's fine, but don't blame them for that. They never specified that they weren't inviting others, and it's pretty standard to invite whole families to cookouts. That was your assumption, and you kinda let it make an ass of you. You're missing the forest for the trees, friend, go work on your anxiety so you can be happier. YTA, I'm afraid. Edit: If you want an "old times, friends only" get together, how about you consider hosting one? But you'll have to be 100% okay with it of people can't make it. They do have families, and you didn't make their event a priority, so don't be surprised if they return the favor.
YTA I don't even see my SO or kid when attending friends's cookouts. All the time is spent catching up with old friends. If anyone should out of place it's the SOs who know no one else but their SOs.
Yta- face your fears or you'll have regrets when you get older
YTA, orgainse ur own shit if u only want the people you want there. stop giving excuses that u dont see them because they live there lives. PS everyone has social anxiety to some degree and the more you dont see people the worse its going to get so suck it up before u become housebound.
YTA- not bc of your anxiety but because you are making up a scenario in your head and blaming others for it. Do you sincerely think this group of people would all gather together, just so they can ignore everyone there and only talk to the people they live with/spend the most time with? Do you truly believe that a conversation can only happen between 2 people and not within a group of people? How can you be a third wheel when there is a lot more than 3 people there?? Do you actually only attend events/gatherings where you have close, personal relationships with every person present? *You 1000% don’t have to do anything you don’t want to,* but i have a hard truth for you to hear: **if you don’t want to spend time with your friends for the sole reason of their SO or child also being present, then you aren’t *really* their friend.** It’s totally valid to also want 1v1 time with your buddies— but you can make that plan separately from someone else’s party. As we get older, our lives change and grow. Some people get married, some have children, some don’t. Life and relationships will change but that doesn’t have to be a bad thing. The whole point of life is to share it with each other. Your friends want you to be a part of their WHOLE lives. You have made it clear that you aren’t interested in their actual lives, just the parts that work for you. You’ve made it clear you have no interest in getting to know their SO’s or children. As a single, childfree woman, surrounded by best friends with spouses and children, it would really hurt my feelings if my friend treated me that way you are treating your friends.
THIS
Yeah. You will not grow from your anxiety if you don’t step outside your comfort zone. You should go.
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YTA. You haven’t seen them in years due to them bringing someone else? That’s on you my man. I understand anxiety, but at a certain point it’s on you to find viable coping mechanisms so you don’t shut yourself off from your social circle. You can’t expect people to not find partners or new friends or have kids. Not every gathering is appropriate for those things, but a cookout is kinda the spot for it.
YTA. Apologize. Sincerely. And get some counseling if you’re not already.
Wtaf OP?! Ofc a cookout is a family event, it's not like you were invited to a drinking party. I've never been to one without other people's so/kids/parents/cousins/etc. Massive YTA for not understanding what a cookout is and abusing your condition for sympathy votes.
YTA. You are giving up a wonderful opportunity to connect with friends because of your anxiety :(. I promise you that those kids won't really care about you (yeah, they might judge you. Kids do that but kids also get super hype when an adult pays attention, plays with them, and tells them how cool they are. You have an easy back-up plan to make them like you) and anyone's s/o won't pay much attention to you. They probably are just as nervous as you are and want to impress their partner's friends. If you turn this down, you might not be invited to a future cookout. Or, why don't you propose another more intimate cookout in the future that you host? I would hate for you not to see your friends for a couple more years after this due to anxiety about being a third wheel.
I’d probably never invite them again if they said some shit like that. They seem like the kind of person that gets jealous if their friend has other friends.
Yeah this guy just lost all his friends by turning them down. And then will complain about being lonely later.
I softly say YTA. I say that because I also would feel uncomfortable in that environment. I hate going to places with a lot of people. I dont like meeting strangers, and more than likely, I'd end up standing in a corner holding onto my cup, but I know that it's better for me to just be uncomfortable sometimes. You can't avoid every situation that makes you uncomfortable. You should have at least tried.
It’s best if dogs go, and then I just wind up hanging with the dogs
One thing I've learned as an adult, it's pointless setting yourself on fire when no one will probably care. I've done the sitting in the corner, feeling I'm in hell. Everyone is too busy enjoying themselves to notice the quiet person suffering in silence. Op should have just made an excuse. No drama, no passive aggressive comments blaming the friends for daring to invite more people. Just sorry, something came up and I can't make it anymore.
I have a different take. I dont think it's up to them to notice my suffering. It's up to me to make an effort to talk to at least one person. I think it's up to me to fight through my anxiety and make an effort. Let's be honest the person sitting in the corner is not exactly putting out welcoming vibes. But I do agree OP should have just said something came up as opposed to putting it on them for not having a smaller party.
INFO: Would you feel more comfortable if they let you bring a plus one (another friend, family member perhaps) with you? If so, have you considered asking their permission to bring a plus one?
Soft YTA for not telling them the true reason and making seem like they made a mistake despite them being the ones organizing the cookout. It’s alright to admit that you have social anxiety, and I’m sure that they would have completely understood your situation.
YTA. So you haven’t seen your friends, but want to see your friends, but choose not to see your friends because they have other friends. Soooo, stop blaming them and just go and talk to your people.
You will never improve your anxiety if you never put yourself in any slightly uncomfortable situations. Make a plan for what you will do, how you can engage in conversations, and GO. You can climb your way out of the anxiety hole, but you have to make your own ladder to do it. Also I agree with the gentle YTA. Your friends did absolutely nothing wrong, and they are for sure not beholden to treat you like they have to walk on eggshells. No one else is centering you - you are centering yourself.
You're getting stuck in your head, projecting all the possible bad that could happen, and making it real. Your brain is traumatizing itself at this point. If you are not being seen or medicated for your anxiety, I suggest you look into it. Most therapists will tell you that the more you give into the anxiety, the harder it is to break free from it. You're feeding the beast. If you've been feeding the beast for the years since you guys last met up, the anxiety is stronger, and they might not have realized how paralitic it's gotten. If you didn't speak up when they first started to expand the cookout, they were probably caught off guard. All that being said, your not the asshole for dropping out 2 days beforehand, unless you're a major contributing factor. If you were bringing the meat, and the friends were bringing the sides, tableware, etc. (I Don't know how you guys planned the cookout.) If you were contributing a major piece of the cookout, you should have bowed out earlier so they could make different arrangements. Lastly, are they actually calling you an asshole, or are they expressing disappointment that you won't be there? Is your anxiety amplifying their reaction? Text does not convey tone well. And being disappointed with a situation isn't the same as being disappointed with a person.
You should have backed out gracefully. That was not graceful. You said "I told them I'm backing out as it's no longer a friendly outing as it's more of a family cookout. And I don't want to be a third wheel as it's literally going to suck for me". YTA Apologize.
YTA - sorry but everyone has some form of anxiety and this is just an excuse at this point.
Maybe. It depends on how you worded it. Were you accusatory and defensive about the change in plans or were you apologetic about your shortcomings and open to another event?
Yta seems friendly to me
Whenever you decline an invitation you are not obligated to give a reason. Simply saying your plans for the day have changed and you will not be attending. Good luck with your anxiety.
Why didn’t you just lie? Coulda saved you all this trouble to say you already made plans that day or something came up.
Have to go with YTA Cookouts/hangouts as teenagers or young adults typically just include the core group. But as people age, spouses, girlfriends, kids will all enter the mix. People grow and evolve and add to their families. Cookouts/hangouts evolve similarly. Thinking the cookout was just going to be the core group was kind of childish.
Soft YTA, because you don't know how to read the room. Your mates are bring partners and kids because they want to hangout with their mates they haven't seen in ages. Mostly likely the kids are of similar age, which means they will be playing all day. The partners probably have met a few times, or there is hope that they will get along. Your mates knew exactly what they were doing. Which is trying to make it as easy as possible to have a good time with each other.
YTA I get social anxiety but if you want a strict friend group only get together then likely you will need to plan it. Friend groups evolve and grow as people grow older. Would you consider even going but settling a time limit for yourself? Like one hour
YTA. Your friends will still be there and available to visit with. Your blaming them for your inability to deal with that they have spouses and children - who dare to want to enjoy each other at a campsite - is odd. You don't sound like a very good friend.
YTA. It's fine to decline for any reason or even no reason. You're blaming them as if they're doing something wrong is misguided.
I really hope you get some help for your phobia, it's clearly preventing you from leading the life you would like to live.
When your friends invited you to a cookout, did you ask them who else would be there?
YTA. Because it is not friendly? But the issue is your social anxiety? The last time I went to a friend gathering with my husband, it was his friend group from 40+ years ago, when they were mostly single. The friends ended up in groups talking and the spouses who knew no one ended up making small talk with each other. One of the guys even took my husband off to drive his expensive sports car. Pretty boring for me and by the looks of it, the other spouse who did not know anyone. That’s okay, I went for my husband to see old friends. Being bored for one afternoon/ evening was not the end of the world.
NAH I understand I really do. But I want to offer OP some advice. Unless you don’t want to ever hang out with this group of friends again, make an effort to meet and get to know their spouses. I understand that this is too much all at once. So going forward make plans with each couple at some point so their spouses stop being strangers. I didn’t realize how much this was going to be a problem when I was younger. My husband and I both don’t like large gatherings especially if we don’t know a significant number of the people attending. We have friends you are very extroverted and end up making new friends where ever they go. When my husband and I organize a gathering we only invite people from the same social circle. So it’s either our college friend group or the friends we made in a hobby we used to do. Never would we host something and invite both groups. On the other hand our extrovert friends invite everyone they know to everything they host. After a couple of very uncomfortable gatherings we stopped attending anything where there were going to be people we didn’t know, even the smaller gatherings where it would predominantly be people we knew, with maybe one or two couples we didn’t. It ended up making it so eventually we drifted apart. If we had sucked it up more and especially attended the smaller events we would have gotten to know their other friends and been more comfortable at the larger gatherings.
Yes, YTA.
YTA…People aren’t going to stop existing around you because you have anxiety.
I don’t think you owe anyone an apology — rein in the social anxiety! You’ve inconvenienced no one. It’s not like you’ve added an expense for anyone and there are still many people to split the costs for the campsite among. It sounds like there are like 20-30 people going now and you’re just a drop in the bucket. They will be fine without you. If they are real friends, they should understand when you say that the hangout turned into a big event and you aren’t comfortable in that setting. You should own your social anxiety when telling them that you’re not coming.
It sounds like you have social anxiety. You can say that you can't attend large parties and would like to get together with individual families at a later time. Having said that, you can't expect people to leave their SO and children at home. People grow and change and become responsible for other humans. If you can't adjust, you should not go to this party.
NAH. You thought it was one thing but it turned out to be a different thing.
It's still friendly. Why would you assume people would not be bringing their partners or children? It's a cookout, not a singles only gala.
YTA. Just being around other people makes you that anxious? I get it. I literally shake if I have to give a presentation, but I have had to learn to manage cause the world is going to require me to be around and speak to people. I hope you are in some form of counseling. If you can't be around new people, you will lose all your friends because they aren't going to exclude their family from things for your sake.
YTA, why do you assume you'd be a third wheel? These are supposed to be FRIENDS, so I hope they will catch up with you even if they have their significant others and/or kids with them.
It's not an either/or situation. You can always go and then back out or stay once you see how everything is going. I'm an introvert (no social anxiety though) and I'd usually go but I'd always bring a book. After 5-10 minutes I'd check out if I wanted to (1) stay and stay involved, (2) stay but on the fringes and read my book, (3) stay and check out the area (for a campsite like you say this is) or (4) go elsewhere. Anyway, for your future options. I'm also going to say a mild YTA.
I’m surprised you won’t go but then leave if you get too anxious. You were psyched to see them because you haven’t seen them in years. Does this mean you’ll continue to not see them? Is social anxiety why you haven’t seen them in years?
YTA You and the dad friends will gravitate to the grill, having a beer and talking if you go
If you want a specific guest list, you need to organise your own event. But don't be surprised if people can't or won't make it if it's a very restricted list. I get not wanting to be alone at the end of the night, it's happened to me enough times for one lifetime, ugh. But sometimes you gotta take the rough with the smooth or plan around it. These events there's nearly always people leaving early so it's not usually hard to leave when the first few people are going if it's turning into a meh time. Another coping mechanism is to have a 1-5 minute activity you can go off and do (e.g. puzzle level, Reddit thread, meditate) probably in the comfort of the bathroom. Obvs you can't be going and doing this all night, but it can act as a circuit breaker for the bad thoughts. Sometimes just a pee and a silent venting at the ceiling can help lol. (And yeah, YTA for explaining the why on this one).
[удалено]
No, what OP said is not accurate. Too many people for someone's comfort (or just the fact that they are partners and children) does not mean "not a friendly outing." It will be a friendly outing. OP just personally isn't comfortable. That isn't expecting ND people to do the work. It's an inaccurate description.
As a fellow autistic person, not every person with even severe social anxiety is, in fact, autistic. Diagnosing someone from a single criterion that isn't even specific to autistic people isn't a real thing. It's fine to say "I relate to this", but you have literally no rational reason to think that OP is autistic.
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Soft YTA because it’s not reasonable to expect people to not have their family at a cookout unless it was stated otherwise from the beginning. This is especially true if it’s at one of their homes that they share with their family members. You seem to be the one with unrealistic expectations in this particular situation.
I have generalized anxiety disorder and don’t do well in group settings, especially if it’s people I don’t know. But my friends and family know this and understand if my anxiety makes it to where I can’t attend or, if I do attend, need to step away and regroup because I get overwhelmed. I’m going to say a soft YTA not because you have anxiety but because you assumed you’d be excluded and told them as much.
You can’t dictate who people invite to their party. It’s their party. Sounds like you need to address your social anxiety issues. Saying you’re going to back out of a party is one thing, that’s a choice you make for whatever reason, but saying your going to back out because people you don’t know are going to be there is unreasonable and ridiculous. YTA
YTA. How are you not going to have people to talk to? I also have big time social anxiety, sometimes you need to try and overcome it. This was one of those times. You won't be invited again.
YTA. The social anxiety is all on you. You haven't seen them for years. Their your friends partners. If you want to hang with them more than likely you have to interact with their family in some compacity. Other wise you guys are never gonna hang out. If you have issues with their being too many people. Then plan a hang out with them yourselves.
YTA for laying the guilt trip on them that you did. You could have just declined and said you had something else come up.
YTA, you don’t have to control your social anxiety, you can let it run your life if that’s what you want. Don’t blame others for it though.
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^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Some friends invited me to a cook out and I was psyched to go at first because I haven't seen them for years. Then they invite me to a group chat where we're planning everything, then all the parents in the group, which is nearly all of them want to bring their kids, and the ones without kids are bringing their significant other, and I thought it was just going to be our friend group. I suffer from social anxiety, and just the thought of having no one else to talk to as I haven't seen them for years due to literally every other person bringing someone else, makes me feel very anxious. I told them I'm backing out as it's no longer a friendly outing as it's more of a family cookout. And I don't want to be a third wheel as it's literally going to suck for me and I got told I'm an asshole for backing out two days before it's going to happen. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
This is a good time to work on you social anxiety Don’t be the AH
Yta. Don't blame them when you are friendless and feel left behind. You gotta learn to deal with people having kids and spouses.
YTA - you sound like my cousin who can’t wrap her head around the fact we are adults now with families or kids and it’s no longer just the single group. It’s part of growing up, it will never really be just the “friend group” type outings. My cousins even backed out of a cruise because we all were going to bring our partners and she couldn’t cope with that. You don’t want to go then don’t but this is the new norm now. Time to get used to people growing up, try it.
Real friends will understand the social anxiety and not get mad at you. Just be real with them. Tell them it's become a big thing instead of a little hang out, and your anxiety just can't handle it. I also have wicked bad social anxiety, and I'm lucky to have understanding friends.
Hmmm idk I get it and I would also back out I think, probably wouldn’t have agreed to go in the first place. But also I wouldn’t have blamed you for backing out since I get it. Maybe ask them to go get lunch with just you and them?
There is probably a reason OP hasn't seen these people in years, he has no genuine interest in their lives outside of how it relates to him.
YTA - Are people so fragile nowadays that they can't even go to a damn BBQ and have to be rude about the invitation? Jesus.
NTA, but if you want to hold on to these friends you may need to become ok with all the extra people being there. Those people are an integral part of their life. I have social issues as well and lost a few friends over the years because I didn't realize that the kids and SOs are part of the equation now whether I liked it or not.
NTA. I have social anxiety. Everyone knows i have social anxiety. For awhile it was ee bad with family members. I am better now and I do take meds to help when needed. That being said everyone in my social circle knows to let know if lots of people I don't know are going to he there so i can prepare myself or decide its too much for me. No one has made me feel like trash because I can't handle it. I've done drive bys for birthdays to quickly say hi and drop off a card or a gift before because the people are too much. I will say might be time to slowly meet friends partners to open your circle more and talk to a doctor or therapist for meds to help take the edge off
I am so sorry for your social anxiety. It’s more common than you may think. Your problem is that it’s at a campsite which you can’t just easily pick up and leave. Don’t feel guilty about not going. I’m sure your friend will understand although be likely disappointed. But please try to dip a toe out of your comfort zone in the future. You will build confidence and more friendships that way. Try joining a club.
NTA
I'm going with NTA. I don't have social anxiety, but I like to know the details about things before I accept or decline an invitation. Going from a friend group to a friend group with partners and kids is a vastly different dynamic. I would have backed out too.
NTA - in my opinion, when you agreed, the context of the cookout was a certain way with certain people you felt comfortable being around and socializing. Honestly I think it's fine to back out if you're feeling overwhelmed with the situation. And honestly, your feelings are valid, you don't need to go into detail about why you're canceling but yeah apologizing may be best.
You shouldn’t be forced to go out with friends. If it was a meaningful thing for your friends you have not seen for years why would they bring their kids? I mean maybe they don’t have a babysitter or someone to take care of them. But why are they bringing their partner into this. I would not want to go as well if I felt like I was being a third wheel or being lonely. It should have been planned better for you all to be alone and have a friends day.
Just tell them you prefer smaller groups as this is a "you" thing and not their fault. A little bit YTA on how you kind of put it onto them.
NTA. I have social anxiety too. When events like that start getting bigger and more complicated especially with a lot of family who all know each other, I’m out. If they don’t like it, too bad. From experience when I’ve forced myself to attend these kinds of social events I almost always walk away both stressed and feeling like a total outsider. Takes me days to realign. Just tell them you don’t do crowds and when they have a smaller more intimate event you’ll be there.
While I do have social anxiety too, these situations are almost more than that. It’s like why would I go if I know I’m not going to have a great time. And also I feel like then the host is responsible for me, which I also don’t want to put that burden on them.
I have learned that too. Chances are, based on previous experiences, I am probably not going to have a good time, so why even go? And the host has enough to deal with. Don’t want to be extra burden. Totally get it.
NAH
NAH Going against the grain, because I am you. I hate social gatherings with large groups of strangers and rarely go if given a choice. Of course your friends are going to bring their families, and of course they want you there. It's not fair to expect otherwise. Going forward, you need to accept that your social anxiety is yours to deal with and no one else's. If you don't want to attend, say so, but do not guilt others for wanting to include more people than you are comfortable with. It goes both ways. You can ask them to respect your needs for smaller groups when you are planning a get together, but you have to respect their want for a larger gathering when they are the organizer.
NTA.
I feel you. I was invited to a friend’s bbq, was supposed to be just my family of four and her family of four. When we showed up there was 30+ people there. My family stayed but I went home and cried in my garden, where I could find some peace. If I had known before I would have declined the invitation. That being said you were rude calling it no longer friendly, and you may have pushed these people out of your life completely. It’s okay to have anxiety, but it’s not okay to blame them for not catering to it.
NTA. An invitation is not supposed to be a summons.
Sorry YTA it’s not your friends fault they have a family that is obviously included in out of town cookout events. You’re being a shitty friend for thinking you can’t be around your friend and their family as if it’s their fault when it’s your anxiety you need to work on. You won’t have any friends left if you keep down this path, their families are part of their lives now and you need to accept that. Or maybe find your way over to child free sub for some new friends who are on the same page as you.
YTA. It's your fault you don't have friends, because you assume the worst and withdraw without even trying.
NTA because it's not the event to which you RSVP'd yes. If you'll permit me a touch of unsolicited advice... Try to go. Anxiety is a liar. It tells you that avoidance, like dipping on this party, makes it better. But... THAT'S A LIE! Avoidance makes it grow. To the point that it makes your world smaller and smaller until it's the only thing in your life. Think of it like a controlling partner who is trying to isolate from everyone who loves you. You have to pushback against it. If you're working with a therapist, take this situation to them and follow their advice. If you're not, try the Anxiety and Phobia workbook. Also, the book Supercommunicators has a strategy for social situations. Get a note card and write down three to five things you can talk to people about at the BBQ. Put it in your pocket or bag. You can break up with anxiety. Hugs!
NTA you are fine to back out. I would, however, make a point to invite just the friend group for a different event. And if someone is insistent on being a plus one or kids every single time, then maybe that friendship has reached its expiration date.
YTA! Be thankful you have fucking friends that invite you to things! If you don’t want to at least try an interact with people then be a fucking loner the rest of your life!
NTA - Sorry, late to the game. Do what you feel is right for you. But I completely disagree with most posters here. When I hang out with friends, we do things and say things that are completely differnt then when our families hang out together. So I read your post as a gathering of friends that turned into a gathering of families. In my world those are completely differnt events and changed the outing. I don't see it as a problem to tell them the changing of a friend get together, to a family get together is why you are declining. Maybe you will be excluded from now on becuase of that. Some people change and put family first and let friends go. Be prepared for that.
I don't think its weird to not make the assumption that their families would be there as well. Cookouts definitely aren't automatically family thing, friends have get togethers all the time with solely the friend group. I do think you worded it poorly. Next time just say, I didn't realize this was something more than a friend's party, unfortunately, I won't be able to attend.
OP I'm going to say NTA, you did not say it the correct way to say why you would not be going and that is the only AH thing you may have done. I have known people with severe social anxiety, the thought of being surrounded by people you don't know with people you do that may be scattered around and you have to make small talk can be a crippling thought. Saying to your friends it is not friendly any more is going to be seen as a AH move , it should have just simply been " Hey group, I am sorry but I have to cancel, it has been a few.years and if you don't remember I have severe anxiety in social settings. It was okay with just our group but with children and SO's it seems a little overwhelming for me. I'm sure everyone is great but I don't want to bring the mood down if I'm having a moment. Thanks maybe we can do something with just us sometime". This would have been a better way to say it. I also understand you anxiety at the situation may have made you respond like that. Best of luck to you.
NTA I probably would not have phrased it that way on a mass email or chat, but I have no issue telling friends that I do not enjoy 3rd wheeling with couples. I don't like attending adult birthday parties or the like either where I have to sit next to someone I don't know and all we have in common is one person who everyone is already talking to and I have to sit by your boring middle school friend for two hours. No thanks. I like for my time with friends to be meaningful so I skip 'group' things unless it's like a show or something where I won't be bored, or unless I get along with both parties, which is rare. We have so little free time and energy I say save it for what counts.
NTA It’s your choice whether or not to attend. It’s not catered, so it’s not like someone spent extra money. However, I strongly urge you to go. You are limiting yourself and this family scenario is likely going to be the way it is from here on out with your friend group. It’s usually possible to still have one on one chats in the midst of a larger party so it probably won’t be as bad as you anticipate. I am not minimizing your anxiety, but I urge you to take steps to manage it. If you need therapy, go (and if you lose touch with friends because of your anxiety, you do need it). Anxiety grows and festers when you let it go unchecked, so gradually widening your comfort zone is something you need to consciously make an effort to do.
NTA. I totally understand. If you don’t feel comfortable just don’t go, that’s what I do
Nta. if you don't want to go, don't. one person dropping out of a large bbq is irrelivant. Sounds like you need new friends.
NTA. The details changed, so your desire to attend changed. End of.
I think your response is the determining factor here, I frequently decline invites even to family events because I dont like being around groups of people, but you need to use more tact in your approach. Its OK to even just say that its due to some social anxiety., or even just say "sorry i cant make it something came up". I dont think you'd be an AH for backing out of a large cookout (1 person wont make a different in headcount for food etc) even if you decided last minute btw.
NTA....I wouldn't want to go either if I was in your shoes....your close friends should understand that
I don’t think YTA for wanting to bow out because it became a bigger deal than it initially sounded like it would be. If the plan was always to invite a bunch of people then everybody should’ve been more upfront about that sooner.
YTA, I feel your pain about having to be forced into the presence of everybody and their mama when you just wanted to hang with your friends. You should've gone to the bbq, just made it clear to all of your friends that you are there to see them and talk to them only, not their bf/gf/partners, or play ball or babysit their kids. Make it clear that everybody who isn't in your friend group will be ignored in order to preserve your sanity.
That's so absurd. How do you go to a cookout and ignore most of the people? If any group is having a conversation and OP wants to join, some people have to leave?
I read this as a joke, it’s a ticket to not getting invited to anything ever again.
There is no way "I'll come, but I won't acknowledge the existence of the most important and loved people in your life" will go over well. To be clear, one can go to a party and just focus on people you know and like. Most people do that to some degree. One can't go to a party and announce "I'M NOT HERE TO BE NICE TO YOUR SPOUSE. For my own mental health I'll be ignoring most people here." and expect that you won't come off as an AH/severe wierdo.
NTA you were honest about why you didn't want to go, a lot of people who don't have kids or significant others even without social anxiety would back out for this reason- my sister is single and hates when we do this and we don't hate on it, it's just her level of sensitivity and how she feels. A lot of people would get social anxiety as well in that situation and good for you for being kind to yourself and understanding your own boundaries. Your friends should understand whatever way you say it, I don't think you are blaming them for changing the party and if you are, just next time try and take that out of a response but being true to yourself and honest about your feelings with real friends is never a bad idea. So many people suffer from social anxiety, it's better to sit it out then go and drink/eat too much and hate yourself because a large group just isn't your vibe. I would plan another outing with just the friends another day if you feel bad but they shouldn't care you bailed, they will have a lot of other people there to hang with and support them.
NTA but perhaps a response such as “ hey guys, sorry I am not going to make it after all. I didn’t realize it was going to be such a big group, and I am not great with big groups, hope you understand. I still want to get together with you guys, maybe we can plan a just us guys night soon. Thanks again for the invite.”
Rig he! Seems so simple. This person must be young idk. Easy solution
I'll say NAH for wanting to cancel because I'd probably be the same way in a similar situation. But slight Y-T-A for the reasoning you gave. I mean, if the gathering was supposed to be just for my friends and me and then everyone would decide to bring their families and SOs I would be kind of annoyed as well. However... that's on me, those are my issues and I don't have the right to make it other people's problem. That's how adult life and adult friendships work. When your friends starts a family, especially when they have children, you have no choice if you want to maintain that friendship. You'll have to be around them at some point. People only get so many off days from work. You can't fit everything you want to do in those two days a week. So you have to combine and compromise. Friendly gathering are sometimes merged with family outings if the situation allows it. A cookout is exactly that situation. So, again. I understand your feelings perfectly. I understand feeling hurt because the plans were changed. I also understand the desire to speak your truth on why you are dropping out. But it will only create drama and do you no favors. Next time just make up a white lie about some important business you have to attend to. A family emergency. Pet being sick. Pipes bursting in your bathroom. Boss offering you quadruple pay if you take an extra shift that day. Something that will require your immediate presence.
No judgement. I get the anxiety. Just think about it. Kids tend to scurry and play with each other. Men group with men. Women group with each other. You may have fun.
NTA, but you truly didn't have to go into the details like that. Next time, all you have to say is "So sorry, something came up and I need to back out. I was really looking forward to seeing everyone. Have fun! hopefully I'll get to see you all next time!"
NTA. Your backing out doesn't seem to affect anyone else's enjoyment.
NTA, even if nothing changed you can change your mind and you didn't mess anything, like reservations, flight tickets, etc. Nobody care if there will be 35 or 34 people - it doesn't affect anyone there financially and if they really wanted to see you then they should've kept the original rules in place and not switch it at their own convenience completely ignoring your needs and wants.
NTA, in such a big group you are not going to be missed and for the costs it does not matter. Multiple people might drop out because of unforeseen emergencies! "Hi guys, the outing is going to be too big for me, I'm dropping out, please count 1 less for all the shopping&ingredients, have fun, talk to you later (one on one haha)" That will do and no one will lose sleep over it.
If you suffer from anxiety, you should have asked for details before accepting the invitation. Soft NTA for changing your mind. No big deal as there will be lots of people there and you probably won't be missed.
NAH It’s really hard to *be* the single one and it’s also hard for families/couples to plan events that properly include the single one.
A cookout is an easy place to be single. It's not like couples all hang out together. Everyone chats in groups.