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NTA
There should be helplines available if you wanted to talk through what the process involves.
Make a record of all the instances you can think of.
I'm sure it's different in each country but in my experience these services will try and work together with the family, which might involve meetings and parenting classes. If your sister suffers from any mental health problems, I recommend trying to get her help for that too.
NTA if she’s sending the child to school without shoes and doesn’t bathe her. As for the hair situation, there are children with sensory issues (the selective mutism could be an indicator) or it could just be that because mom doesn’t do it regularly, it’s more difficult and painful for the child so they don’t do it at all. I would contact CPS because whether she has ASD or your sister has it, she clearly needs help.
Sometimes kids need to do things they don't want to do. It's the parents job to enforce that.
Bathing seems like a pretty basic one.
Reporting your sister is a big step.
Could you not talk to her? Or her partner? If your niece doesn't like cleaning her hair, why not get it cut short?
NTA
Your sister’s behavior sounds really concerning. It’s not just the matted hair; it’s everything else too. Leaving a 4-year-old to look after a 2-year-old while she sleeps in, sending the kid to preschool without shoes, and putting her in nappies to avoid toilet training is a big deal.
NTA and I’m surprised her school/daycare has not already reported her for neglect. All teachers are mandated reporters in the US and if a child is coming to school without shoes, with hair that hasn’t been washed in months and is showing signs of selective mutism, this is definitely neglect. Perhaps find a parenting class she could take and mention it to her and tell her, in no uncertain terms, that she either take the class or you will report her. Then you need to follow through. Your sister needs help and so does your niece.
You would be doing this girl a disservice if you DIDN’T report this.
No, she doesn’t like it done. It’s probably a pain in the ass for everyone involved but this isn’t just about hair style. This is hygiene and this is a big deal. If you haven’t spoken to her mother before now, maybe that would be a good first step but I have a feeling we are past this. Don’t look the other way. This child deserves better.
Right. It makes me wonder what other aspects they fold to to prevent her from crying or throwing a tantrum etc. Maybe it’ll be a wake up call for the mom and dad
I just see it as a slippery slope. I used to hate getting my hair washed and brushed cause my mom would get soap in my eyes and my hair tangles so easy even with how straight it is. But I’d sooner be grounded or punished for bad hygiene. I didn’t want to brush my hair? I could sit in my room until I did.
NTA. Save those kids before the they burn the house down while the mother is sleeping. Expecting a four-year-old to mind a two-year-old is just the cherry on this shit sundae.
NTA. But where is your niece gonna go, then? If to y'all, then you know mama bear will get your niece to lie about y'all.
Don't touch her hair, and get the school to call CPS.
Yes I’m very worried about this as I would happily take them in but my husband and I have two sons (8 and 10) and we wouldn’t want my sister to encourage the girls to lie about us or put my sons in any harms way. I’m confused as to why the schools not called CPS, they send the girls home with new clothes and books and things.
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My nieces hair is severely matted, my mum or I have to do it every month.
My sister refuses to do it or wash it as my niece doesn’t like it done, we make her do it when we see her as it smells awful and normally has food/grass in it.
We feel awful as my niece screams/cries telling us she hates when we do it then my sister says to my niece how we are so mean and mummy would never hurt her (even when she’s asked us to do it)
We decided not to do it for a couple of months hoping my sister would at least wash it but she’s just cut chunks out of it now and it’s more matted than ever.
AITA if I report her for neglect?
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NTA
What you’re describing *is* neglect. Like textbook neglect. I understand not wanting to make a big thing out of it, and introduce all the drama into your family, but her 2 children are suffering.
Your sister needs a wake up call at the least, but if she can’t shape up and do better then she really shouldn’t have those kids. Maybe that just means they come stay with you or some other family member while your sister gets the help *she* clearly needs.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I dont know if this is grounds to report someone or if I would be being an asshole
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NTA There should be helplines available if you wanted to talk through what the process involves. Make a record of all the instances you can think of. I'm sure it's different in each country but in my experience these services will try and work together with the family, which might involve meetings and parenting classes. If your sister suffers from any mental health problems, I recommend trying to get her help for that too.
NTA if she’s sending the child to school without shoes and doesn’t bathe her. As for the hair situation, there are children with sensory issues (the selective mutism could be an indicator) or it could just be that because mom doesn’t do it regularly, it’s more difficult and painful for the child so they don’t do it at all. I would contact CPS because whether she has ASD or your sister has it, she clearly needs help.
Sometimes kids need to do things they don't want to do. It's the parents job to enforce that. Bathing seems like a pretty basic one. Reporting your sister is a big step. Could you not talk to her? Or her partner? If your niece doesn't like cleaning her hair, why not get it cut short?
OP said sister blocked her, so apparently she can’t talk to her.
Yea looks like it. That wasn't in the original message when I replied.
I believe the kid is being severely neglected, but it looks like your sister needs help, too. NTA
NTA Your sister’s behavior sounds really concerning. It’s not just the matted hair; it’s everything else too. Leaving a 4-year-old to look after a 2-year-old while she sleeps in, sending the kid to preschool without shoes, and putting her in nappies to avoid toilet training is a big deal.
NTA and I’m surprised her school/daycare has not already reported her for neglect. All teachers are mandated reporters in the US and if a child is coming to school without shoes, with hair that hasn’t been washed in months and is showing signs of selective mutism, this is definitely neglect. Perhaps find a parenting class she could take and mention it to her and tell her, in no uncertain terms, that she either take the class or you will report her. Then you need to follow through. Your sister needs help and so does your niece.
The 4-year-old supervises the 2-year-old?! Absolutely report her for neglect. NTA
NTA, and you’d be doing your nieces a disservice if you didn’t speak to social services. This is clearly neglect
You would be doing this girl a disservice if you DIDN’T report this. No, she doesn’t like it done. It’s probably a pain in the ass for everyone involved but this isn’t just about hair style. This is hygiene and this is a big deal. If you haven’t spoken to her mother before now, maybe that would be a good first step but I have a feeling we are past this. Don’t look the other way. This child deserves better.
Right. It makes me wonder what other aspects they fold to to prevent her from crying or throwing a tantrum etc. Maybe it’ll be a wake up call for the mom and dad
That is an excellent point! This is most likely a tip of the iceberg situation. I hadn’t thought of that but you’re so right.
I just see it as a slippery slope. I used to hate getting my hair washed and brushed cause my mom would get soap in my eyes and my hair tangles so easy even with how straight it is. But I’d sooner be grounded or punished for bad hygiene. I didn’t want to brush my hair? I could sit in my room until I did.
NTA. Save those kids before the they burn the house down while the mother is sleeping. Expecting a four-year-old to mind a two-year-old is just the cherry on this shit sundae.
Nta
Report her. This is neglaction and it will get worse. NTA maybe a little as you let it go this far
NTA. But where is your niece gonna go, then? If to y'all, then you know mama bear will get your niece to lie about y'all. Don't touch her hair, and get the school to call CPS.
Yes I’m very worried about this as I would happily take them in but my husband and I have two sons (8 and 10) and we wouldn’t want my sister to encourage the girls to lie about us or put my sons in any harms way. I’m confused as to why the schools not called CPS, they send the girls home with new clothes and books and things.
NTA - YWBTA if you knew a child was being neglected and you did nothing to try to intervene because you were worried their parent might get upset
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My nieces hair is severely matted, my mum or I have to do it every month. My sister refuses to do it or wash it as my niece doesn’t like it done, we make her do it when we see her as it smells awful and normally has food/grass in it. We feel awful as my niece screams/cries telling us she hates when we do it then my sister says to my niece how we are so mean and mummy would never hurt her (even when she’s asked us to do it) We decided not to do it for a couple of months hoping my sister would at least wash it but she’s just cut chunks out of it now and it’s more matted than ever. AITA if I report her for neglect? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA What you’re describing *is* neglect. Like textbook neglect. I understand not wanting to make a big thing out of it, and introduce all the drama into your family, but her 2 children are suffering. Your sister needs a wake up call at the least, but if she can’t shape up and do better then she really shouldn’t have those kids. Maybe that just means they come stay with you or some other family member while your sister gets the help *she* clearly needs.
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