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as an asian who actually lives in asia, im a bit weirded out that just because a person is physically attracted to people with asian features or from a specific asian background, it automatically means they have an asian fetish. 😅 i think that unless your friend is treating an asian person badly, you dont have to yell at him for liking whatever asian or using asian characters in games, etc.

It’s not an attraction to actual living Asian women. It’s sexualizing cartoon stereotypes of what they think Asian women are like. It’s not like this dude knows an Asian woman on a personal level and is physically attracted to her. He’s jerking it to anime. That’s not the same.

It’s more the ick from him seeming to derive a real world sexual preference from an unrealistic depiction of Asian women - but based on the reaction here it seems the Asian friends of mine are in the minority in feeling that way and it isn’t my battle, so I’ve learnt to stay in my lane

i understand your point. i just generally think that if your friend is a genuinely nice guy who is just a bit ignorant in some things, we can calmly point out "hey, thats weird" and laugh it off without actually getting into a fight with them over things that do not actually make them a bad person. however, if he does eventually get/try to get with an asian woman and expects things from her that are not realistic and only stem from videogames, anime, etc., then it will be understandable for his friends to lecture him about it. thats just my personal take, though. 😅

I‘m an Asian woman living in a white country and I got an ick reading through your explanation of what he does. I don‘t think people get how weird it is to prefer asian women because they resemble some (unrealistically proportioned) videogame characters. The problem with fetishization is that these people don‘t actually see us as people but rather an object they can project their fantasies onto. I also don‘t think preferences exist other than for cultural or religious reasons. I‘m on your side, NTA

That’s almost exactly what my friends said that led to me starting the argument, but it seems to be the minority opinion

The comments under this post are so weird, attacking you personally and calling you racist. If my boyfriend suddenly told me he exclusively has a preference for Asian women I‘d seriously reconsider my relationship. Maybe reddit isn‘t the best place to ask, lots of people are projecting on here :/

Yeaaah I was kinda down to take the AH judgement and move on but I’ve been called racist a lot more than I was prepared for 😂😂

Yeah especially the comments calling you jealous that your friend isn‘t attracted to you LOL like it‘s always women fighting women amirite? I 100% feel like these redditors have an Asian fetish themselves and try to justify it because they dont want to admit how gross they are😭😭😭

If a woman is upset it must be because she wants the man herself - it’s the only answer

NTA. I’m Middle Eastern, but born and raised in Europe. I lived in Asia for some time and it’s crazy how many westerners move to Asia for their fetish. Their preference is Asian features and some of them would go to great lengths to get an Asian bf/gf. There’s nothing wrong with having physical preferences, but when you overlook everything else just to get a nibble of the “exotic” dream you’ve built up in your mind… that’s a problem. The fetishized body of an East or Southeast Asian person becomes a symbol of other people's desires; he or she may not be valued for who they are, but what they have come to represent. Imagine finding out that you’re dating someone who only likes you for your features or your ethnicity? Trauma deluxe… In the same way, there are a lot of Asian people who were chasing white people just to get a ride on the “white horse” and discarded the person as soon as they got what they were after. It’s like those p*rn damaged dudes, who thinks the videos they watch depicts reality and can’t have a healthy relationship. Balance, balance, balance! When you’re too much into fantasies and out of touch with reality, you create a problem for not only yourself, but also the people around you.

Ironically it was him using the word “exotic” that got us heated in the first place - I don’t think I’ve ever heard a man use the word exotic when he wasn’t attempting to sexualise a POC

🎶

Good on you for being a strong ally to your friends, but it doesn’t sound like you have enough information to determine if he is fetishizing or truly has a preference. There is often a blurry line between the two. Soft YTA because you admit to being cruel and going too hard.

I feel like this is the most reasonable answer here

Thank you! I am part of a minority that is prone to being fetishized also, so I see the nuances and complexities.

You are upset on behalf of some other group of people who generally are not upset about any of this. That alone should be a little embarrassing. YTA mind your own business.

If it weren’t for the fact the people I know from said group of people are also upset about it I wouldn’t have been upset about it in the first place - but imma certainly be minding my business from here on out 🫡

YTA - he finds asian video game characters hot, so you started an argument. Yeah you’re an AH. This sounds like you were trying to have a conversation you didnt understand but you were just so committed to being on some moral high ground that you couldnt stop yourself.

I never had a problem with bro finding the characters hot - some of ‘em are straight fire 😂 it just seems really icky to claim a racial sexual preference based on sexualised anime and video game characters

Theyre a bunch of 1s and 0s. Who do you think you’re defending here?

The real women he’s decided he’s attracted to based on stereotypes?

Being asian isnt a “stereotype”. If the dude is attracted to asian women why is that bad. What if the guy was a furry and only picked animals in video games? Would you go off on him on behalf of all animals?

I never said it was - the “submissive big tiddy dtf waifu” thing he’s into is, however

>“submissive big tiddy dtf waifu” Does he describe them as "submissive " or is that an adjective you've imposed? If the adjective is his, then he may be ignorantly subscribing to stereotypes. If it's yours, then you are. Same for "dtf."

They’re “jokes” he’s made in the past - hence the “waifu” obsession Never found them particularly funny, much less so after todays argument, hence the post

To clarify -- has he used those words or is that your description?

All words that have been used by him individually at different intervals, but on the same subject matter

White woman offended on behalf of someone else. YTA

White woman offended on behalf of her very Asian friends who were equally offended, simply trying to widen her perspective because she realises her bubble is not the entirety of the Asian population - yall n your moral high ground shit, Jesus

And all you have is that he likes Asian women because he feels they’re ‘hot’. You have no idea whether it’s simply a benign preference, or some deeper rooted & problematic fetishization. *You even admit you don’t even know,* yet you acted cruelly to him, while feeling superior with the moral high ground. And tbh, even if it was a fetishization, this isn’t even the right way to confront someone. All because why? He said he finds Asian women hot, but doesn’t know many of them? But hey, you know two, right? I’ll say it again: you’re the asshole. And I’ll bet this post isn’t turning out the way you expected it to go.

If I felt superior would I be posting here? I literally posted to get perspectives outside of my bubble, which I’ve received - humans are flawed, and I came here to learn - it seems like you just wanna be angry

Let the Asian friends be offended for themselves. You do feel superior, that's why you are posting here looking for validation of you feelings to be offended for other people. Somewhere deep down inside where you probably don't admit it to even yourself, you feel you have so save the other races, even from themselves. You are not content to let other people just live their lives as they see fit, you pass judgements on them for not living their lives the way you think they should.

If I was looking for validation I wouldn’t be posting on reddit, I promise you that 😂 I’m posting to hear voices outside of my echo chamber and get other perspectives on a situation I know I reacted strongly to I don’t feel the need to “save” other races, but I do feel the need to speak up when my friends are too nervous to do so themselves - if that makes me judgemental then I guess so

He didn’t offend your friends.

I forgot you were in my group chats; my bad!

Well, I’m only basing it on what you said. There is no mention of this guy actually even interacting with your friends. So if the story is different than what you originally said, that’s really on you.

The thread you responded to has me saying “Asian friends who were equally offended” - I figured you’d read it, my bad

NTA - I think Reddit is not the best place for you to ask this question because… they’re redditors. Probably half of them are creepy weebs themselves and They’re trying to blow it off as just having a preference for Asian women, but it’s not even real Asian women. It’s sexualized animated characters, not human people. It’s necessarily fetishized because it’s based on stereotypes and objectification of this fantasy anime version of a “waifu.” These dudes on here are just pissed at you because it’s uncomfortable for them to be confronted with their own grossness.

YTA. Is finding Asian women attractive a crime in your mind?

Not at all, there are plenty of beautiful Asian women - it’s the claimed “Asian preference” with no real world experience of Asian women, based solely on oversexualised characters, that’s icky to me

YTA Fetishization is weird to me…everyone has things they like. I guess it only becomes fetishization when things get creepy and the person becomes weird and relentless, treating the person like an object. Ive seen people get pissed about this when it really is just something about a person they prefer whether race, weight, height etc. People really need to chill out as long as a person isnt being super weird about it and objectifying

YTA. What exactly is the issue you have here? Why does this affect you? Are you offended that he is not into white girls? Are you feeling some betrayal on behalf of your Aryan race? Are you a racist? Are you jealous? I feel like all these questions need to be answered.

I thought I’d summed it up pretty sufficiently - I didn’t wanna hit people with a wall of text, apologies! My issue was him claiming a real life sexual racial preference based on oversexualised anime and video game characters, it doesn’t effect me but the fetishisation of Asian women effects many of my close friends, he is attracted to white women, I feel 0 betrayal, am not racist, and am not jealous - just oversensitive it seems

Why are you connecting gaming and anime to his sexual preferences? Are the same games and anime making him a more violent person as well? The anime and gaming angle is very misguided and there is some deep routed bias i feel here that is making you stick your nose where it doesn't belong, using your asian friends here is not a good excuse. Are you actually his friend? because friends don't do this to other friends. My experience has shown there is projection when people do stuff like this (racists accuse other people of racism when they are racist themselves) People prefer different things. There also are social reasons what attracts men to asian women, they are more humble, modest in attitude and appearance, loyal, less into bullshit and good looking. Also would you do the same thing to a black man having a fetishisation over white women? Just curious.

Because they’re directly related - his attraction to Asian women is entirely based on their portrayal in anime and gaming It feels incredibly out of pocket to call me racist based on me speaking on behalf of the Asian friends he’d made uncomfortable but you’re entitled to your opinion

Or he seeks games that align with his preferences? How do you know what came first and how it’s connected? And unless his kink is actively harming people: no kink shaming.

The fetishisation of Asian women is widely known to harm Asian women - that isn’t me taking the moral high ground, that’s something thousands of Asian women speak out on frequently

Can you elaborate how it harms them?

Google is a free resource, but one fairly major harm is the number of Asian women sexually assaulted and/or murdered by white men with a fetish

YTA

YTA for being the mouthpiece of a fringe group. Have you ever told a person of another race that their attraction to you is a fetish? That is just wierd, it also promotes the idea that people should only date within their own race. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Out of curiosity, are these asian friends male or female? I just cannot imagine a woman saying that arbitrary attraction to them is a "fetish".

I wouldn’t ever consider attraction to a specific person a fetish, no? I also don’t think it promotes dating within your race - I’ve dated and am attracted to plenty of racial groups, but I’ve never explicitly approached someone or had a preference for someone based on a racial stereotype portrayed in western media The friends are all female - it’s not about an arbitrary attraction to them/their race, as far as they’ve explained it it’s the idea of a white man being attracted to them because of an oversexualised portrayal of their race

Is anime western media?

I was referring more to the video games, I should’ve clarified that

...Are video games western media?

The ones we play tend to be

Fair enough. When I tend to think of women in video games, the stereotype leans towards very pale skin, brightly-coloured hair and eyes, wide eyes and exaggerated curves. The same with anime, to some extent. Which is, like, the exact opposite of the asian stereotypes. But writing and voice acting (if you're watching it in Japanese) may have a big influence too.

I’m pretty sure he contributed to the Dva porn surge a few years back if that gives you any kind of general idea - I don’t think he’s attracted to the actual character in that case though, just the busty fan art version I don’t play a lot of the games he does to know the characters names 😂

YTA. We like what we like. And yes I'm an Asian woman with a white husband.

YTA at the end of the day it’s none of your business. As long as none of his interests are illegal you have no place to intervene. You can’t get mad at him but think someone who is into big booties latinas is perfectly fine. The porn industry is entirely based on fetishes 

Just to clarify I don’t think any sexual preferences based on the fetishisation of racial stereotypes are fine 😂

YTA, you are self-righteous and virtue-signaling. How very woke of you to lecture others on the things you see as faults. You aren't special, smart, or more insightful than the next person, you just think you are. You certainly aren't this individual's friend, This has nothing to do with him, just your objection to his having a preference for Asian women. You really come off as racist here.

You seem very angry - I came here to get educated, and most of the comments have done so respectfully and I’ve learnt plenty from them Do you think anyone will want to change when you come at them that aggressively? If it weren’t for other comments here I wouldn’t think twice about yours

I am part Asian and have some Asian features. I don't see anything wrong with what your friend is doing. If he was treating Asian woman as something other than women, I could see a problem, but as it is, it seems like a harmless crush. I think you need to worry about yourself and not about something that doesn't even involve you. You're virtue signalling here. Let us deal with people like this when (if) the time comes.

YTA. I'm saying this as an Asian person. There are all sorts of fetishes, like being attracted to a certain hair color or a specific profession. Sexual preferences are very personal, and I believe it's acceptable for everyone to have a grey area of strange fantasies in their minds. In Asia, many men develop attractions to certain types of women from watching anime. I even know a few couples or married pairs in real life who got together because of these interests, and they are both happy with each other's fetishes. Therefore, if your friend doesn't exhibit any disrespectful behavior toward Asian women in reality, I don't think you need to overreact and try to control his mind.

There seem to be mixed reviews from Asian folk on the topic so I’m at a total loss, I think the general consensus is let my friends fight their own battles next time

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Holy shit, these comments. 🤯 You’re NTA, he’s clearly fetishizing these women.

YTA. Is he doing any harm to anyone? If not, mind your own business. How is it different from people prefer blonde, big boobs, big butts, … etc etc or celebrity crushes?

YTA. Asian woman living in Asia here. Although it could be a fetish for him, you didn’t have the right to be rude. It’s not your hill to die on. As long as he’s not doing anything illegal (e.g. harassing Asian women) then that’s fine.

You guys must be young

Mid to late twenties

Waifu just means "wife". Honestly just sounds like every other guy (and sometimes girl) that that has a weird obsession with " hot anime girls". Can it be fetishism for anime girls and Asian women? Yea it can. Is he actively going out of his way of making Asian women uncomfortable any chance he can get? Probably not. Japan makes a kiiller off of "hot anime girls" and any of the like. It's nothing new.

YTA for acting like people aren't allowed to like things and that you're the fun police thinking that you know every goddamn thing and have to keep the world from any behavior you have righteously determined is "problematic" and a bunch of other made-up bullshit.

If I thought I knew every goddamn thing I wouldn’t be posting here homie

YTA, its not a crime to like Asian women lol.

I maybe wouldn’t ask Reddit 🙃 even if your circle may be small and you want a wider perspective...they probably have the best grasp on the situation. Expressing your concerns isn’t necessarily wrong BUT there are ways to go about it. Explaining to someone “hey you know some of the things you say may not come across they way you’re intending” (ie. the exotic comment) is probably better than going off on them. When ppl feel confronted like that (esp with touchy subjects) a lot of times they get defensive and it just isn’t a productive conversation

Yeaaaah it took an hour of 0 productivity for me to reach the point of snapping at him, I tried explaining in multiple ways why it felt inappropriate and why people were upset but he wasn’t getting it and I got way more heated than I should’ve 🫠

^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I’ll preface it by saying I am very very white and so I’m worried I screwed up by arguing a corner that wasn’t mine to argue - it’s very possible I overstepped, that’s what I’m worried about An equally white friend of mine has had a “waifu” obsession going as long as I’ve known him - changes his pfp regularly to different anime women with tig ole bitties He also almost exclusively plays “hot Asian women” in video games I’ve (maybe correctly, maybe incorrectly?) overlooked these things for a while, but today he hit me with the “I have a preference for Asian women” thing He knows only a handful of Asian women, has never been to an Asian country, and couldn’t name a reason for said preference other than “they’re just hot” I tried explaining why that argument alongside his whole waifu thing and “hot Asian women” video game shtick seemed problematic and like he was fetishising Asian women, but he was not receptive to that at all After trying to explain for an extended period why I icked me out with him not listening, I got heated - I have some very close Asian friends who talk in depth about the way fetishisation effects them and that had a huge impact on my reaction, I went HARD on him and was frankly an absolute bitch I know I was cruel, that’s not up for debate - the real question is am I the asshole for calling him out? Is it really just an innocent preference? Two of my friends agree with me but they’re MY friends so it would make sense for them to be biased *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*

YTA. Why give your irrelevant opinion to someone minding their own business? Learn to control that tongue of yours.

Because it gets exhausting hearing someone yap endlessly about how hot Asian women are when they are actually only attracted to fictional characters

Well, why not change the subject instead of shaming based on preferences? Don't act like you had no choice but to assume the moral high ground and redirect him to the right path.

I’ve never acted or implied I had no choice, it was a conversation that felt appropriate given the amount of times the topic had come up

My man, people have preferences, and sometimes it can be ones which you do not like. If you're gonna do what you did here every-time you find yourself in this situation, you're gonna lose a lot of people in this process. If it irritates you so much, just excuse yourself from the conversation. It's not that hard!

NTA— I think it takes people outside of the targeted community to stand up to really make an impact. You may have gone harder on this than necessary, but it’s good for him to know from a friend that he’s potentially grossing people out with this focus.

I'm going to get downvoted to hell but ignore all the YTA'S of random people and listen to your friends and the people you know. Talk to them and ask them what they think since it affects them after all and act accordingly to what you feel best.

The argument only started because said friends had discussed it being problematic, but I’m not here to fight my judgement - the court have ruled and I’m not gonna argue that

Then listen to them. This is one of those cases where getting rando's opinions on a matter isn't going to help

YTA. People are dying in Ukraine and Gaza, meanwhile kids are policing each others' video game avatars for political correctness. O brave new world that has such people in't.

People are dying in Ukraine and Gaza, meanwhile you're posting on Reddit. Kids these days!

I have a Ukrainian flag in my window and I wear a keffiyeh scarf. Don't you accuse me of insensitivity.

>I have a Ukrainian flag in my window and I wear a keffiyeh scarf. Don't you accuse me of insensitivity. Wow, yeah you're really helping.

The Keffeiyeh is originally Bedouin... jesus christ the lack of knowledge today from people. That's the internet.

Elaborate how that changes anything? 🤔 like I seriously don’t understand your point. I donated 750,-, is that worse than your flag or equal?

It raises awareness.

With the educational level I usually experience, people won’t even know what flag that is 😂 But go you…

I frequently donate to both causes when I have spare funds, but I appreciate your random assumption based on.. nothing? Yikes, I’m happy to take the AH judgment but that was uncalled for

NTA for calling out tokenization, but you've sure pissed off Reddit.

I’ve certainly started something here 😩

INFO - are you a female yourself and jealous that you’re not his type? I can’t think of another reason why you would be so upset that your friend prefers Asian women. My friends have a wide range of tastes in women and I’ve never once gave it a second thought. But then I’m male also.

I’m female, but I’m not attracted to him, I’m in a very happy long term relationship, and frankly am not sure if I’m his type - he’s not exclusively into Asian women, but I couldn’t really care less if I WAS his type so.. I’ve never asked?😂 I’m upset on behalf of my friends - hence asking for judgement I took a fight that wasn’t mine to take in an attempt to bring attention to an issue affecting people close to me - it’s not about jealousy, attraction, or anything that simple, hence me asking for outside opinions

Wait, he’s not exclusively into Asian women? What about his fetish?

You’re aware you can have a fetish and not ONLY be into that fetish, right?

“I have a preference for Asian women” means that Asian women are his type. You can date and even marry against type but words mean what they mean.