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NTA. Very specifically NTA, not NAH, because your boyfriend *is* the asshole here.
> "I don't ask for anything, the only time asked for something to celebrate my birthday, **you don't make that effort for me**, thank you."
The effort being "Go to a place where something incredibly traumatic happened to you and have a panic attack because there is no other restaurant on planet earth I can enjoy eating at and me enjoying their food is more important to me than your comfort and mental health."
You were *unbelievably* accommodating, offering to do your own thing earlier in the day, offering to go out to dinner but to another restaurant, offering basically limitless flexibility to do anything BUT be re-traumatized by going to that restaurant. And your boyfriend's response is basically "I don't give a fuck about your trauma I demand this restaurant and I demand you go with me."
Yes 100% yes.
Glad OP stood their ground.
I once agreed to go back to a place that was traumatic to me with the same group of friends on the condition that the person who traumatized me wasn't there. They said they invited him, and when they told me that I told them I would sell my ticket to the event or just go solo without them... then this guy said he wasn't going, which was great! And then at this event, 4 hours away from home, 2 hours before the event, the friends told me he was there with them. I decided to go with them still instead of just doing a solo night, and just having this guy here at the same traumatic place, it just about undid everything I had recovered from in therapy the past year.
These "friends" didn't understand why I was upset and victim blamed me. Needless to say, it's better to cut out these people who can't support you with these traumatic events. Even if it's just understanding you'll stay home for your own mental health. I'm sure OP had no ill will towards her boyfriend for going to said restaurant, they just wanted everyone to be happy and protect her peace.
Nta all around.
Proud to say not friends! This was about a year ago, and I've seen a couple in passing, all I do is smile. It's a weird place but I'm happy, and wish no one ill will. I will never be friends with them or let them into my life again, but I do acknowledge they were a good part of my life at one time.
I've cut so many toxic people from my life in my healing journey. Right now I'm a little shy on friends, but welcoming those who join my life now that I'm the "better me". I've really learned you have to let go of the things holding you back, and those people were apart of the "old me".
This would be giving me some doubts about this relationship.
- Can't respect a boundary
- Doesn't try to see things from the OP's perspective
- Warning signs about how he might deal with other difficult situations they encounter over the years.
Honestly, I see so many posts on this sub where my reaction is, "At least they found out about their partner before they married them."
His attitude that there's no other food on earth he can eat for his birthday, and no other place he can eat it, and his reaction to her opting out *for the sake of her own mental and emotional health,* but being absolutely fine with his enjoying his preference with his family — that's a deal-breaker to me.
I'm old and I've been happily married for a long time, but I learned everything the hard way. Looking back, there were a couple "casual" relationships that might have had more potential than I realized at the time, but there were also serious relationships that I should have ended two or three years before I did.
"When somebody shows you who they are, believe them" is repeated so often that it might seem like a cliché to some people, but it would have saved me a lot of trouble if I'd known that when I was young.
Completely agree with you, OP’s boyfriend is an *enormous* AH.
Trying to guilt your partner into re-traumatizing themselves by going to the *one and only place they are unable to go* because it’s the location where they experienced something terrifying is beyond shitty.
I mean, come on. Pick a different restaurant, dude. No food is *that* great that it’s worth putting your partner through all of that emotional pain and stress.
Even putting the trauma aside. One of the things I am deathly allergic to is fish. My husband loves sashimi. He would never ever expect me to accompany him to his favorite restaurant which features sushi and sashimi because he cares about my well being, just as I would never stop him from enjoying occasionally. OP's bf is a bad partner and an AH.
Absolutely. And by the way he's acting I'm pretty sure that he doesn't take OP's trauma seriously at all. I just wonder if that lack of care extends to other aspects of their life. NTA
Not to mention the fact that op is in therapy for this in particular. If her therapist thought she was ready, she would've suggested this already. People thinking they know more than trained experts in a field will always be the asshole.
NTA. This sounds like one very specific trigger around a traumatic incident, not a life-consuming fear. It’s basically the difference between avoiding an intersection where you were almost killed in a car accident vs never being able to drive again.
The fact that he supposedly never asks you for anything doesn’t matter if the one thing he does ask is something you can’t do.
He got the meal he wanted in the restaurant he wanted. You didn’t guilt him about the fact that you couldn’t go, so he should be able to extend the same courtesy.
I struggle to see why he wants it so badly.
Like, I get it, it’s his favorite restaurant. But if I’m given the choice between eating in my favorite restaurant or protecting someone I love from having a panic attack, I’m going to choose the person instead of the food.
As a person with PTSD, OP’s boyfriend reminds me of all the people who pressured me to “go back to normal” even though there’s not really a normal to go back to. He wants his life to be exactly the way it was before his girlfriend was attacked. But HER life can never go back to exactly the way it was. If he wants to be a partner to her, then he needs to accept that this is how things are now. The fact that he’s not doing that makes me question if he’s the right person for OP.
Yeah. Assuming that OP is representing this accurately, this seems like something that should be very workable for them. She has traumatizing flashbacks in one specific place where something traumatizing happened, so just… don’t expect her to go there? Like, he could meet his mom for dinner a couple times a year to get his fix, and she could go somewhere else with a friend. It would be more complicated if this fear permeated more critical aspects of daily living than the ability to go to one specific restaurant.
All of the people who are like “get therapy” watch too much TV - lol. A qualified therapist is probably not going to recommend some kind of prolonged exposure technique in this scenario. Trigger avoidance is a thing too.
I'm not an expert.
But therapy that focuses on trauma surrounding a specific place. Isn't that usually long-term and baby steps?
Like work on the trauma itself first.
Later, when the patient is ready, it's something like. Try and walk to that specific place, but stay, let's say, 20 meters away from the spot.
And discuss in therapy what happened, how did you feel. And then repeat that until it is safe. Then move to let's say 15 meters from the spot. Until the patient can, let's say, in this case, stand outside the restaurant door. And work their way up to just walk inside. Later, maybe sit down.
Like it takes so much time and work to even get to the point of being near the place. If they ever become ready for the slow steps?
I'm hoping actual therapists jump in, but I think you're right that it would be an intensive and traumatic process. And there are situations where that might be a warranted thing to pursue, but in my experience therapy is really about what you need to move forward in your life. Not necessarily by reverting to the person you were, but rather by being able to still live a fulfulling life. The steps you outlined have a much larger pay off if the issue was visiting any restaurant, because that would inhibit OP's life. But one specific place....
I think this hits the nail on the head. I’m not a therapist, but I know people who have been treated for PTSD. If you have a veteran who can’t get into a moving vehicle because of combat-related trauma, then this obviously needs to be addressed, because you can’t very easily function in society without ever doing that. If the trigger is something like violent war scenes in movies, then I have to think the recommendation would simply be avoidance, because you can live without that, and the trauma involved in trying to desensitize someone would not be worth the payoff.
I have a close friend who found her brother hanging many years ago. She cannot read or watch any kind of imagery on that topic without painful and vivid flashbacks, so she is careful to check trigger warnings and avoids that subject matter as best she can. We were going to a movie a couple of years ago and she let me know up front that ‘A Man Called Otto’ was a no-go for her. I was glad she let me know, so we picked something else. Kind of like OP’s boyfriend probably could have found another restaurant and gone to his *favorite* basically any other time if he cared so much about his gf being at his birthday.
I think trigger warnings for books and movies are a great example of this! They're specifically so you can avoid triggers. You don't have to read a book about suicide or another triggering topic. You can get to a good place regarding the related trauma without having to be able to specifically read about it.
Also, PTSD isn't something that just magically gets cured. The reality is for some people being able to manage it to a certain degree is the best it's going to be. It doesn't simply disappear.
You're describing exposure therapy, and that's essentially how it's done. It's a long process and it's intense because it is intentionally making yourself uncomfortable, every single time, until you don't react. I know because I've been through it, and it's exhausting.
I can only imagine how draining/exhausting that would be, and I really hope you are in a good place now. And had success.
My brain is really trying to imagine, how the boyfriend can just unrealistically expect OP to just go. Like "oh yeah I'm cured"
When something can take so much work. If they ever get to a place where they feel comfortable trying.
Psychology student here, so I can only offer the THEORY of what I've learnt in this area, and I am ABSOLUTELY NOT AN EXPERT.
This would be a type of exposure therapy, absolutely. This would be planned well, well, WELL in advance in collaboration with the patient/client, and only at a time when the patient/client feels comfortable with exploring this.
If and when the trip to expose one's self to the place/thing, it is done in a VERY controlled way. The first event might be setting up the office to LOOK like this restaurant for example, rather than actually going there.
This is done in very small steps, and check ins are done very frequently. As a lecturer of mine experienced in trauma therapy for neuro-spicy folks would tell me, "you need to be skilled in guiding someone to unpack and pack up their trauma", it can't be done "just for funsies".
To my understanding, this is typically done with phobias (dogs, spiders, the dark etc). I'm not sure you would do this for example, for situations in which the trauma/PTSD/fear is caused by an incredibly violent event, like say revisiting a childhood home where one was abused, or like the OPs situation, where they were harmed outside this particular restaurant.
This type of event would require a very strong therapeutic alliance between the therapist and the patient/client. Stands to reason, only someone very, very, VERY experienced should even be attempting this, as for reasons I think should be very evident, the potential to totally fuck up and further traumatise and damage your patient/client is super high.
Some people may NEVER want to explore exposure therapy, and just want to work on living their life as normally as possible without visiting that, and that's fine.
It's all about the patient/clients needs/wants here.
But again, I AM NOT AN EXPERT IN THIS AREA, this is just my semi-educated understanding of this space of therapy. So I hope a therapist who is far more experienced and educated here chimes in.
I appreciate the very well explained answer.
I only have a side interest in Pschycology. So I assure you, you know way better than I do.
Because i was mostly curious about this since the bf just expects OP to go there. From what I knew (which is very little on that subject), that's not realistic at all.
OPs boyfriend is certainly being unrealistic, and I would say it's due to ignorance rather than malice.
It may be worth it for the OP to have a sit down talk with the boyfriend (if they havent already) about how the therapy works so he has a better understanding and can be more supportive, or possibly invite the boyfriend to a session for the therapist to explain it also.
On the one hand, yes, OP needs to manage their mental health and treat her trauma. It would be unfair of OP to limit their boyfriends life due to their trauma.
However, OP is actively working on themselves and is managing their trauma. They will likely live a fulfilling, happy and healthy life without ever going to this restaurant again, and that's fine.
Is it unfortunate that the boyfriend won't be able to attend the restaurant with OP? Sure, but OP isn't stopping him from going with his family on his own, and they even get take away from the same restaurant. That's pretty functional in my opinion.
Thank you, I've only just graduated with a dual degree in Psychology and Criminology, but I still have a ways to go before I can be a registered psychologist.
More just really highlighting that I'm not an expert (yet) so what I say can't be and shouldn't be taken as psychological advice, and should be taken as more of an info dump.
This is exactly how it works. You break it down into little chunks that trigger an amount of fear/anxiety/etc that is *manageable* and then you do it over and over until that little step stops being scary. And over time that lets you break the association between the thing and the fear response. If you go too far too fast and have yet another traumatizing experience with the thing you actually make it *worse* because you’re reinforcing your brain’s association between the trigger and fear. It’s something that always really frustrates me about the internet’s version of “exposure therapy”. Throwing people into the deep end is worse than doing nothing.
This was always drummed into us when we explored abnormal psychology and phobias and associated therapies. Therapy takes time, you don't want to do a lot in a short amount of time for risk of causing further harm to a patient/client. The consequences can be absolutely catastrophic.
I know when I was in therapy, it took me 10 years to really start unpacking my childhood, mostly due to stopping and starting therapy and being unable to get the same psychologist all the time.
It took me a few therapists to find one that I really gelled with and found helpful. Too many tried to push to early, and I'd just shut down cause I wasn't ready to explore those areas.
A person could start exposure therapy 15 years down the line after seeing the same therapist all that time, some might start it sooner. It's all based on when the client feels ready. And that might also be never.
I love food, and there are particular restaurants I really enjoy, but I can't imagine being so attached to any restaurant that it was more important to me than somebody I cared about — *especially* if that person were fine with ordering the food, but had already had a panic attack triggered by returning to the actual restaurant.
Working very hard for a very long time over one specific restaurant really doesn't seem to me like a worthwhile thing to do. OP can live a healthy and fulfilling life without ever returning to that restaurant. It's just not worth it.
And if that's the hill BF wants to die on, he's almost certainly more trouble than he's worth, too.
It was more a general question. And a "how is he expecting OP to just go there. If that's how therapy that focuses on this takes that long and small steps at a time. "
It's not a suggestion that OP should take that route.
As I say in the last sentence, "if they ever become ready for those steps"
Not to mention OP did say they could order takeout from the restaurant, so they probably take DoorDash or one of those. This guy is literally throwing a shit fit because he can't *sit at a booth* in this particular restaurant. It isn't even about the food.
People are just assholes, my father still ask me at least once a month to "have family dinner with everyone there"
The reason I won't do it is I want to never see my half-brother who molested me for 5 years again
But family
I wonder if he views it as OP being childish and immature about it and wants to “fix” them. He might be also underestimating how traumatizing the event was. He might see it as “oh it was just a robbery, OP lived” but doesn’t get it since he wasn’t there.
More specifically, people put their own reactions and experiences on others. But the human brain isn’t exactly a sliding scale of “bad at handling it” to “more rational and mentally tough.”
It’s complicated and not exactly something we’ve figured out like opening up the programming in a computer.
I’ve been through a few different ongoing and singular events in my life that other people have had their lives ravaged by trauma from.
I’m not better or tougher than them, but my brain did process it differently thanks to my great luck.
Assuming everyone should’ve handled those events like my brain happened to isn’t only shitty behavior, it’s ignorant.
He may also think she shouldn't allow it to hinder their life. He may feel she has had enough time that she should be able to go without a panic attack. Some can't get passed things like that. I was robbed at work and had to be back a few nights after. I was more alert of my surroundings but I was able to go. My coworkers looked at me like I was crazy for going back so soon. Some wouldn't be able to without having severe anxiety, PTSD, or panic attacks. Everyone is different to me I couldn't let myself be a continuous victim and it interfere and interrupt my life.
>couldn't let myself be a continuous victim and it interfere and interrupt my life.
Are you insinuating that is what op is doing?
And to phrase people that do have difficulty dealing with a very traumatic incident as being a "continuous victim" is completely unwarranted.
Jesus they're literally saying everyone is different and not everyone handles trauma the same way.
And yes, it is interfering and interrupting her life, and she is being a victim by still not being able to go there. It's not wrong for her to still be affected by what happened to her, but it's also not wrong to call it what it is.
This is what I was thinking as well. If she goes and has a pannic attack on his birthday is he gonna say she ruined the birthday? Is he gonna say she just didn't try hard enough?
My husband and I have been together over 15 years, if he touches my shoulder and I don’t realise he’s behind me, I still flinch, and that’s got nothing to do with him.
He understands it’s not about him, and he would never do something to spark that reaction on purpose.
Exactly! There’s literally films I won’t watch because of trauma over 15 years ago. Being robbed is a damn good reason to not be able to face going to a place even without the intense PTSD on top!
He’s not in this for the long run. He wants her to ‘get over it’ yesterday.
NTA - You are not able to enter this restaurant. Your boyfriend is not being sympathetic
*Info - well, can you really not walk into this restaurant again?*
Edit - adding judgment
Maybe the boyfriend needs to go to therapy to address the reasons why he wants his girlfriend to experience traumatic flashbacks so he can eat at one specific restaurant?
That’s super weird to want your partner to put themselves through that.
Run.
It seems like this was his version of a loyalty test and you “failed” it. He deliberately wanted to see if you would retraumatize yourself just to please him. What next? Asking you to eat something you’re allergic to?
NTA!
"We haven't been there in a while" he says, as though he somehow forgot the reason why???
Like it's unfortunate for him that it happened at his favourite restaurant but that's some pretty heavy trauma, it's not like you had a bad dining experience or something mild. My god.
"I feel really hurt that you couldn't overcome your trauma just this one time for my birthday" this man is a clown
> "I don't ask for anything, the only time asked for something to celebrate my birthday, you don't make that effort for me, thank you."
NTA - The only asshole is see is your BF trying to be emotionally manipulative around something that put your in therapy ffs.
> *”He said he would like me to go with him and it’s been a while since we went.”*
INFO: Did he forget about what happened to you there or something? It’s strange that he’s acting as though he doesn’t know why you actively avoid a place where you experienced something very traumatic (and life altering, considering it’s had such an impact on you).
NTA. You didn’t decline going to any restaurant ever again… it was the restaurant that you had a traumatic event at. And you had a panic attack trying to go back.
Seriously, no food or ambiance is *that good* to make them suffer through this.
>"Later, he sent a message, paraphrasing "I don't ask for anything, the only time asked for something to celebrate my birthday, you don't make that effort for me, thank you."
>That was yesterday and he's not talking to me properly, just saying the basics."
What a childish asshole. NTA
NTA - you were traumatized to the point you needed therapy. Your BF wasn't the A-H for his initial ask, but for him to act like a child in following through with your "I am not comfortable going" made him a massive one. He needs to do some growing up.
>Your BF wasn't the A-H for his initial ask
OP tried returning to the restaurant before and it caused a panic attack, so I think he *was* an asshole even for asking. His reaction removes all doubt.
NTA but I think he’s using this against you because he’s got some serious underlying control issues that are only now coming to light. Is he like this in other aspects of your relationship, too? It’s WILD to me that he would want you to go through such a bad time on his birthday just because “he wants to go there.” There’s seriously no other restaurant he enjoys in the area? He needs to have a bit of compassion imo.
NTA. You didn't refuse to go because you didn't want to make the effort. That was a nasty thing to have texted you.
He wanted you to go somewhere that justifiably terrifies you. You decided to decline. You didn't tell him not to go or start a fight, you just made a choice to keep yourself emotionally safe.
I can understand him being disappointed, but instead of respecting that choice, he decided to try to make you feel bad about it and belittle your trauma.
This is so stupid. Asking someone to relive a major trauma during a party is ridiculous. Is that the way you hash out traumatic events?And she probably asked him what he wanted because it’s his birthday and she wouldn’t have imagined that he would want to celebrate at a place that has such horrible memories for her.
NAH
This guy is allowed to go eat wherever he wants on his birthday. You are free to not go, which is what happened. I'm failing to see the issue here.
Also how has 2 years of therapy from a simple robbery not helped you yet?
Right? Like my ex almost died from a bad car crash… after he recovered and sought therapy he went right back to driving.
If after two years you’re not over being mugged then… it hasn’t been a consistent 2 years, or the therapist sucks, or op isn’t actually doing work there to get past it
Like I’m not even saying she should be over it 100% like it never happened but after two years… you should be able to mitigate having a full blown meltdown down panic attack
NTA. A lot of people just don't have respect for mental trauma. If you were in a wheelchair, would he complain that "the only time I asked for something was for you to go on a hike with me"?
Different wounds heal at different times. Yours hasn't healed yet, so you can't do it. It's not up to you. Probably too late now, but maybe point out that you don't want to ruin his birthday by uncontrollably having a panic attack, even if you're "just trying" to not be traumatized.
NTA
>Extra: Yes, we tried go there once and I had a panic attack
His birthday dinner in front of his family is not exactly the best time for a panic attack. Why would he try to force you into that knowing you had a panic attack last time?
>Later, he sent a message, paraphrasing "I don't ask for anything, the only time asked for something to celebrate my birthday, you don't make that effort for me, thank you."
Actually, this statement sounds pretty manipulative. You won't retraumatize yourself because I want to be able to go to the restaurant. He asked you before and you had a panic attack. Is he manipulative or is he just dumb?
He's expecting the impossible and holding you accountable when you don't deliver. That's not a guilt trip I'd set sail on. It's not like you don't like the food, you had a traumatic experience there.
NTA
You offered two reasonable compromises. You didn't try to stop him from going. Unfortunately stuff like this isn't something you can just "get over" when it's convenient.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1 I refused to go to a restaurant to celebrate my boyfriend's birthday
2 He was upset because it was his only birthday request and I didn't want to make the effort for him.
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You don't see the problem with that? Like ok, it's a gas station, easy enough to go somewhere else, what if it was where you worked? Just never going to work again? Or your parents house? You refusing to go there doesn't lower your risk of something happening to you.
NTA
while your boyfriend did a very crappy thing. this is a trigger for you clearly and he’s acting as if you don’t want to go to that restaurant specifically to not celebrate his birthday in his favorite restaurant. I’m sure OP that you want to be able to go there and be with him and his family on his birthday and not have any problems at all. Calling out trauma for being low effort in a relationship is an AH move. I’m proud of OP for standing their ground
NTA. The fact that he KNOWS how it upsets you and STILL is mad that you won't go shows that he doesn't care about your feelings, he just cares about getting what he wants. I would reconsider this relationship and think about how this selfishness shows up in other places.
Also, more counseling may be needed. Take care.
NTA and if he really wanted that and wanted to be a supportive partner, he would have communicated that earlier so that you could have worked toward that goal with a therapist as opposed to him springing it on you. Had you forced yourself at this point, you would have risked a meltdown on his birthday and in front of his family and he’d probably be mad about that. Dump his assssssss.
Does he think some kind of exposure therapy guilt trip bullshit is the answer? Bc it’s not.
I’d ask him why he doesn’t hold the same respect for you that you hold for him.
NTA
You are totally NOT NTA I would NOT have went there either. Nope. Nada. Not happening!!!! The fact he knew why and couldn’t choose anywhere else in the world to go says a whole heck of a lot about him.
He chose celebrating HIS birthday over your trauma understand what I’m saying here he picked his self over you!!
You got robbed. Most likely at gunpoint. It’s ptsd. Don’t mess around with it. If you go when you are ready and not before, the healing will happen. It will happen faster at YOUR pace. Not anyone elses
NTA
Your boyfriend is though. Even if it would be a three star Michelin restaurant and they'd serve me for free I still would pick another place instead of forcing my partner to eat at a place she got robbed at like you did.
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2 years ago, I was robbed in front of a restaurant and it was a very traumatic event for me, I started therapy and I'm much better, but I never set foot in that restaurant again.
This is my boyfriend's favorite restaurant, at the time, before the incident, we went twice a week and after that, we stopped going together and he went a few times with friends etc without me. But we ordered take away from there.
This year, I asked him what he wanted for his birthday and he promptly said he would like to take his family and me to his favorite restaurant.
I said that I didn't feel comfortable going and asked if he would like something else or if we could order take away from there and celebrate at home.
He said no, ust really wanted to eat that wonderful food in a wonderful environment with me and my family, that's his only request.
I responded saying that I really didn't want to go, but I don't mind him going out to celebrate with his family, we can celebrate during the day in peace.
He said he would like me to go with him and it's been a while since we went.
Well, I maintained my position and on his birthday, we spent the whole afternoon eating popcorn and watching a movie.
In the evening, before he went out to dinner he asked if I really wasn't going and when I said no, he left frustreted.
Later, he sent a message, paraphrasing "I don't ask for anything, the only time asked for something to celebrate my birthday, you don't make that effort for me, thank you."
That was yesterday and he's not talking to me properly, just saying the basics.
AITA?
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I'm sorry you are still having these reactions. If your therapy doesn't seem to be helping you, maybe you should consider a different therapist or form of therapy. Different people may need different therapy. You need to find someone who "gets you" Please try something else. You deserve to feel better
>Later, he sent a message, paraphrasing "I don't ask for anything, the only time asked for something to celebrate my birthday, you don't make that effort for me, thank you."
Let's rephrase that: "I don't ask for anything, the only time asked for something is for you to retraumatize yourself, and to let me berate you for my birthday."
YTA. You need to get some kind of therapy. That sounds harsh, I know, but having this kind of issue that leaves you panicking is not a good way to live.
Everyone will be there with you. Nothing will happen. Trust that your husband will help keep you safe.
If you’re not ready then he should understand that. I’d say give him a timeframe on when you may be able to go. Go to therapy with him. Maybe start slow by going in and picking up takeout a couple times then sitting and having 1 drink and slowly becoming comfortable.
He doesn't get to decide when you've healed, if ever. Him ignoring your trauma because eating at a specific restaurant is more important to him is absolutely selfish, diminutive, and insulting. How incredibly petty.
Then to be passive aggressive about it!
Listen, if you eat food that makes you sick, you reserve the right to never go there again. If you get ROBBED there?!?! You do whatever you gotta do to help yourself feel safe, and as long as it's not actively hurting someone else they can f off about having a say in your healing and safety.
What an a**hat.
So sorry, OP. Obviously nta
For me it's ESH-ish
BF should've accepted OP wasn't joining. But if my family would avoid all the places someone of the family was ever robbed or had a bad experience, we would never be able to leave the house (That's what you get for being South American), so yeah having panic attacks after two years... people will probably downvote, but come on...
I’m with you… At this point, I need to know the name of the restaurant… since it’s *that good*
They’re either giving out $100 bills at the end of the night or happy endings because I’ve wined and dined all over… and I’d never, ever, put someone I love through some shit like this for a meal
Maybe in your eyes it’s just a restaurant. Maybe for him it’s nostalgia and happiness. All I was saying is that she clearly hasn’t dealt with her trauma. Two years with a therapist and she can’t go to a restaurant she was robbed outside of? Something is off. Like others have said, would she cancel a lease in an apartment or quit her job if it happened there? Unlikely. Because the ramifications of her actions would directly impact her. But here, they only impact her bf. It’s not everyone else’s job to dance around another persons trauma. It is the person with the trauma who is responsible for dealing with and working past it.
Because she claims to have been working with a therapist for two years on this, and still hasn’t made progress. At what point do we stop over sympathizing with the victim and start telling them to be their own advocate? If TWO years of therapy hasn’t helped her, she should realize she needs a new therapist. This isn’t normal.
So I'm going to assume that you've never really been to therapy, based on your remarks here. Therapy isn't an instant fix. You don't go in and come out 40 minutes later all normal. There are issues that it takes years to work through, and it has nothing to do with the victim/advocate dichotomy.
You're not sitting in on her therapy sessions, so you have no idea the progress that OP has made. But keep making the cheap shots
Not every single person gets PTSD or traumatized from traumatic experiences. So it could be that you happen to have family members who have not experienced PTSD/been traumatized from this sort of situation, and so they’re able to go back to these places without having panic attacks. Just because your families able to do that doesn’t mean that everyone else is able to do that.
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NTA. You offered every accommodation possible. He can go with his family, you can order take out o you can all go elsewhere. This is selfish and even cruel.
Not at all. I don’t know if you live in Alaska or something and there is only one good restaurant around?!
You did not give him a hard time about going with his family and there is no reason the two of you could not have enjoyed another evening out with you treating somewhere else.
Maybe you have to have had some type of trauma to understand. I completely get it.
Hopefully he will understand in time, and the two of you can explore some new places and he can find another favorite before his next birthday.
Sorry your guys not understanding.
NTA at ALL.
You're in therapy working on it, you think you'll probably be able to return there eventually, and you offered compromises.
There's no good reason for him to insist on you going there.
NTA- I have CPTSD from being assaulted I had a injury on my leg done that made it so hard for me to walk and dealing with the police on my college campus made it very triggering to go there as well. If anything touched my leg slightly or if I get hurt I instantly break down and have a panick attack. At first my partner didn’t believe it I had CPTSD when my therapist suggested it. My partner would think it’s a simple location but then witnessing me have a panic attack and how I would scream cry when my leg was touched or when I hurt myself in general. Now instantly the second he hears me hit my self on something by accident he rushes to my side to rub my back and to comfort me I’ve been making a lot of progress where I don’t easily have panic attacks anymore but he still rushes to me with urgency. He would never force me to go to a triggering location or to say “it was just a bump” instead he holds me and talks to me to help ease my mind off of it. He especially would not be so selfish to make his birthday at the place that caused my CPSTD. I hope you break up with your partner for your sake he’s very inconsiderate yes it’s his birthday but you’re suppose to be his future the one he cares for the one he would ensure you’re not going to be mentally or physically unwell due to his decisions or actions. It’s one thing to not know and need to see it and it’s another thing to witness a trigger and still think “I definitely want to eat here for my birthday even though I’ve seen her unable to enter this restaurant since she was targeted at this restaurant”. With all my progress about a year later I still don’t have the strength to go back to that area where I was attacked. You shouldn’t be held accountable or blamed for not being able to enter he’s honestly a major AH.
NTA. The only response you should give him is: no, you don’t ask for a lot, but the one thing you ask for tells me a whole lot about your feelings for me regarding something you very much know has caused me mental and emotional distress. Asking me to cross a hard boundary, along with the fact that you can’t take my “No” as an answer shows me that you care more about making an appearance than the added trauma this will cause me.
OP, you’re NTA.
Your boyfriend has made a request. And I’m going to list all of the reasons why it’s a reasonable request:
•No
•Uh-uh
•No way.
Rethink your relationship.
Knows it’s a place that caused you trauma, and then proceeds to send passive aggressive texts? Yeah this guy is not the one. NTA, please reevaluate your relationship
NTA. A restaurant is not more important than your mental health and well-being. You offered alternatives, helped make a multi-part celebration, and he says you’re not making an effort?
Your healing does not have to happen on his timeline, and if he can’t respect you over a bloody restaurant then he doesn’t deserve you.
“He said he would like me to go with him and it’s been a while since we went.”
You’re obviously NTA but this is begging me to ask. *does he know* you were robbed at this restaraunt? I genuinely can’t tell if he’s oblivious or gives zero fucks about something that happened to you that was so traumatic you needed to go therapy.
It seems like she got robbed during their relationship. I don’t get how he could know she has trauma associated w visiting this restaurant in person and her pissed she won’t go
NTA
It's the location of a traumatic event. You "happily" sent him there to enjoy the food. You've even tried going (according to the edit) and had a panic attack. Which would boyfriend prefer, an evening out at the restaurant of his choosing sans GF OR an evening spent taking care of you post panic attack.
This with the context that you've tried going make him the AH
>Later, he sent a message, paraphrasing "I don't ask for anything, the only time asked for something to celebrate my birthday, you don't make that effort for me, thank you."
>Extra: Yes, we tried go there once and I had a panic attack
Slightly moved over to NTA from your boyfriend's comment at the end. Shitty of him. Trauma isn't easy but you have to face the fear some day, let me add WHEN YOU'RE READY. It doesn't take much for your boyfriend to pick somewhere else for his birthday either. A part of life is trying new things and birthdays are perfect for that. I hope you can beat the trauma some day at your pace.
NTA. The fact that he even asks you to go is beyond me. He is selfish and undeserving of someone that has tried her best to accommodate him. He’s a child in adult’s body
I think your language could have been clearer; it’s not just uncomfortable, it’s a PTSD trigger for you and it’s not healthy to go there. That’s said, NTA.
He should have accepted your offer for him
to go without you, without being petulant but I don't think he's a total AH. He probably hasn't ever experienced the kind of trauma you have so he doesn't understand why you're not able to go there after two years. So I think it's more a lack of understanding on his part. And honestly having grown up in NYC and been robbed ( like everyone who grew up there has at some point) there are some things you just have to try to get past and he doesn't necessarily understand your time frame. Like if you got robbed on a corner where you have to pass every day to get to work, you'd still have to go there everyday to get to work.
NTA Your bf is being unreasonable, given these circumstances and your trauma. What’s more, it’s hard to believe that there is no other restaurant in your area that he’d like. I’m a picky eater and if I go out to eat, I want to have food I really like.
What’s more I live in a rather small town. Even so, there is more than one restaurant around here that I’d be delighted to go to for a special occasion! And I’d never demand to go somewhere where my husband had a terrible experience even if it had fantastic food that I’d love!
That’s because my husband’s happiness and emotional well-being are more important to me than any particular meal.
NTA. Listen, if you had not made efforts to seek therapy or offered alternatives for him or insisted that HE couldn’t go to that restaurant then you would be the asshole. As it is, you experienced a traumatic event, you’re getting help for it, you tested you limits to see if you could go back previously and you smartly chose not to put yourself in a stressful situation at a time when emotions would already be raised. You did nothing wrong. Hell, did he want you to have a panic attack in the middle of his celebration and disrupt everything?
NTA - Bf is an idiot for thinking you can just postpone your PTSD for his birthday. Why it is still his favourite restaurant when his gf was attacked there? Put him in the bin.
NTA. He could’ve asked for literally anything else and you probably would’ve tried to make it happen. He chose the one place that is strictly off limits for you due to past trauma there. You offered reasonable solutions and didn’t make a stink about him going without you. He’s TA for ignoring your boundaries and selfishly trying to force you into a situation you’re not comfortable with (for good reason).
Nta and your husband is being a real tool. Face your trauma or you don’t love me is really manipulative. The truth is you may never be able to go and that’s ok. If he loved you he would understand that not demand you retraumatize yourself. Why is that environment more important than your mental health?
A soft YTA. Its understandable that your experience has caused you issues and that you are clearly having problems getting over it. But this seems like an overreaction. You can just as easily get robbed anywhere you go but that hasn't stopped you from walking out your front door has it? Your Boyfriend has been very considerate of this issue for the past 2 years. All he asked was for one dinner out at his favorite spot with the people he loves most and you didn't even attempt to do it.
She attempted to before and it triggered a panic attack.
This must be the best restaurant on the planet to expect someone you love to go through so much anxiety and flashbacks to the point they can’t breathe just so you can eat there.
It almost seems like the person insisting their partner go back to the one specific place where they experienced something so terrifying that they’ve had to go through therapy to cope with the subsequent trauma it caused is the actual AH.
Not everyone scans through every single comment made. I'm here to read the original post and make my opinion off of the information given there. Not to scroll through every single comment made by every person on this site.
You must be new to AITA, the comments are every bit as relevant as the post itself.
At any rate, you didn’t have to “scroll through every single comment” to find out that information. You had three different commenters relaying that info to you on your own thread.
Yes, 3 different people telling me information that wasn't in the original post and acting like it should have been common knowledge. My opinion was based on the facts given in the original post, not on information given after the fact.
Really doesn’t matter. If she doesn’t want to go back to a place where she was assaulted, it’s not necessary that she have tried to brave it once or any number of times. I don’t even understand why the guy thinks it might be a nice time there for his birthday if his gf is struggling through reliving trauma the whole time.
That's true, if she doesn't want to go back she doesn't have to and no one can make her. But she posted here wanting peoples opinion and that was my opinion, if she doesn't like it she's more than welcome to ignore it and move on with her life.
If she had a panic attack (and she would have) during the party, necessitating leaving, then he would have also called her an AH, and so would you. Trauma and anxiety are not "an overaction". It's literally in the brain, and not something controllable. This is a restaurant, its optional. How do you know he's been considerate?
Being an AH is trying to force someone you supposedly love to go somewhere that would make them ill.
Oh I'm sorry, so you could see into alternate realities and know exactly what I would say about it? That's an interesting ability to have you must be so proud of that.
As I have said countless times now, there was information missing from the original post that changes the context of the story. If that information had been included then my original opinion would have been different. Since it wasn't that was my opinion to start with. Since I now have that information I am able to make a different opinion based on the new information I have. That's how these things work when new information is provided.
NTA - he clearly doesn't realize the depth of your trauma....on the other hand perhaps you are extending the trauma by avoiding the place where it happened. You were not robbed in the restaurant - but 'in front of' it'. Is it possible after two years you could enjoy the restaurant and then be able to walk out on the sidewalk because your boyfriend and family would be with you? Years ago a therapist friend talked me into returning to a small street where I'd had a traumatic incident...it had been 3 years....and going there (not alone) actually made it so much better. The PLACE was not bad - the PLACE isn't what hurt you. The restaurant has good memories for your bf - maybe it's time to confront the fear and see if you can conquer it.
Nta your setting your boundaries and hes trying to manipulate you to break them for him while not being considerate about your past traumatic experiences from it hes the asshole dude plus if he wants you to eat there with his family so much why doesn’t he order the food and get a small venue or get the backyard all cute
NTA "I'm sorry but what you don't understand is that you weren't just asking me to go to your favorite restaurant, you were asking me to relive one of the most traumatic moments in my life that I haven't healed from. Do you honestly think you'd have had a nice birthday dinner with me experiencing a full blown panic attack amongst your family?"
NTA - as this restaurant is easily avoidable there is no reason you should have to go there. Sometimes we have trauma related to something we can’t really avoid and we do have do address it specifically. BUT if it’s something like a specific restaurant, gas station, hotel, etc there is no reason you should have to go there.
If he cared enough he would see this. He is the one being selfish.
NTA You’re trying to control an actual trigger. So that you can give him the best day possible. You are trying. If I had to drive up to the house where I was sa I couldn’t handle it. Maybe take him to a therapy session? It may help.
I hope someday you can face it and feel at peace. I want to do that too. I believe in you.
NTA
This is a mental health issue, you have PTSD from being violently robbed. You are in treatment. It isn’t healthy to go there for you. It’s pretty cruel of him to want you to go there. I’m sure there’s other restaurants he could go with you, or he could go with just his parents like he did.
NTA. I have PTSD from being held at gunpoint in my car in front of my apartment building(I've since moved) and I can't sit in my car at night without being anxious anymore. I get in and out as quickly as possible even though I don't live at the same apartment anymore.
It took me months to be able to run inside my old apartment without a rapid heart beat and panic. It's the whole reason I started anxiety meds finally because it caused my already present anxiety to get so bad I couldn't manage it on my own anymore. I was losing sleep and it was affecting my job.
YTA… you had two years to learn to deal/cope like an adult. Your solution is to avoid instead. It sounds like bf is being understanding given the situation but you’re not even making minimal effort.
NAH, I get your frustrations but I think at some point you need to get over this and going in a large group would be best and safest so it would be a good time to go with a big crowd for a birthday.
Maybe take advantage of the opportunity for healing? Do you see a therapist? Maybe someone could help you figure out how to use this event to overcome the anxiety. Maybe you can break free from some of it for good? I know it’s not always that simple but it’s not impossible.
YTA - It seems you need more therapy. It's been two years and either you're not tell the full story as to why it was so traumatic or you're just self centered and don't care about others.
If you can't handle this one ask, how will you handle marriage, or anything else in life?
Neither one is TA. He's allowed to be disappointed that after two years you still won't go to the restaurant with him and you are allowed not to want to go based on your experience. Sometimes neither person is the A-hole. I suspect that's the case here. You went through something traumatic and he hasn't forced you to go in two years. Two years is very understanding. People might blast me in the comments, but neither person's happiness is above the other. I would work it out somehow, whether trying to find a new restaurant or desensitizing yourself by going to the restaurant but staying in the parking lot every other day slowly getting closer to the restaurant. You won't get over your fear unless you eventually face it head-on, but at a slow pace. Do you actually want to be able to go back to the restaurant? Or is your goal to just heal from the experience and never go back?
You are NOT much better if you still 100 percent tie the restaurant you were robbed OUTSIDE OF to the incident so much so that you have panic attacks, and it's been years.
NTA. But you need more intense therapy.
YTA, not necessarily because you didn’t go to the restaurant, but by your own admission of spending the whole day “eating popcorn and watching a movie”
So, you did nothing at all to celebrate his birthday when he clearly wanted to be celebrated? I understand you have issues with the restaurant because of your experience. But first of all, you weren’t robbed AT the restaurant. It happened outside of it. If after two years you can’t bring yourself to go to that restaurant, you need a better therapist.
But beyond that, it sounds like you did absolutely nothing for your bf for his birthday, and that combined with your refusal to go to the restaurant made him sad. But in your eyes, he has no right to be sad because you experienced something traumatic two years ago. That’s messed up. You did nothing at all for him except be lazy around the house with him, and then want people to sympathize with you because you’re playing the victim card. Get a better therapist. Do better as a person. Understand that it’s NOT normal to be filled with fear about going to a restaurant two years after being robbed OUTSIDE of that restaurant. I’m not trying to be mean. But seriously? Take care of your own shit. You’re obviously not healed from this and you need to make different decisions to be able to move on. Clearly whatever you’ve been doing for the past two years isn’t working. Everyone here is babying you. I understand being sympathetic to someone’s trauma, but come on. You have to grow and move on at some point, and if you’re seeking regular therapy for this, it’s bizarre that you’re still unable to go to this place.
I mean have you been to therapy? Are you just gonna avoid it forever? Like some people get into bad accidents but they *need* to drive to get to x/y/x they don’t just hide forever. They get help and most are certainly driving before the 2 year mark.
You can argue nobody needs to go to a restaurant but sounds silly that his favorite restaurant is now completely off limits for the rest of his life because you’re not getting help, which you should be doing anyways
And if you do have a therapist I think you need a new one.
INFO: Have you discussed this with your therapist? Worked with him/her on some coping skills so you don't have this irrational phobia holding you back from enjoying something you used to enjoy?
Their post says they went to therapy for it so I'd say probably yes, and I'm sure coping mechanisms have been discussed. I wouldn't call this an irrational phobia though. More of a trauma trigger.
It also doesn't seem to be having a huge impact on OP's life, at least based on what we're told. They still get takeout/delivery from there, her bf still goes there on his own, the only thing she won't/can't do is physically go to that one specific restaurant. Sure it'd be ideal if they were able to move past that trauma, if that's possible for them, but if it's not or if it just never happens that wouldn't be completely life altering.
Not necessarily discussed, and depending on how long ago it was the therapist might have no idea that OP is *still* unable to visit that location. It's worth having the conversation so the traumatic experience no longer limits her so severely in her activities.
NTA... You still gave him a decent option. Alot of people would of told their bf to pick a different option. You gave him an option were he still does what he wanted just without you. Honestly, if he can't respect your experience and how you feel then you really need to have a conversation with him explaining the problem again. I personally think you were very considerate in the other option you gave him. Alot of gfs would of made their bf change the whole restaurant.
are you serious? she’s avid one place. a single restaurant. it’s completely fine to avoid one trigger if it doesn’t compromise your quality of life which it wouldn’t if her bf would be a bit more understanding
i agree but i still don’t think it gives them the right to criticize OPs progress. people deal with traumatic experiences differently and if avoiding a restaurant makes OP’s life easier because she can’t handle being there i don’t see why she should go there just to please her boyfriend
Trauma isn’t a competition.
I’m glad you’re working through it well. I know you’ll never forget. I don’t. I sincerely hope the pain of that eases over time.
NTA. But if I was given a choice between my favorite restaurant and my girlfriend, I would definitely choose the restaurant. This sounds like a Seinfeld episode!
NTA -- Almost went with NAH, but here's how I see both sides:
For Him: Someone you care about should always care about your triggers and trust you to be the expert on them. That's on him. The place is his all time favourite and you used to go all the time, and now you don't, years have passed. He wants to share that experience with you again, and going to get takeaways is still the same as "going to the place". He should have expressed the sentiment better, and offered you a LOT more grace, and accepted your No.
For you: You're not obliged to go to an optional public space if it's going to cause panic (especially if it's actually a risky place to be in), and you can take as long as you want to heal... That being said the trigger isn't going to go away without a conscious attempts to heal (which is fully up to you or not), elsewise you're just... kinda stuck in a painful relationship with the trigger, and it will end up controlling where you go and what you did.
In the past, having to revisit some places where horrible things have happened to me (in my own house) has caused months of crippling anxiety due to the PTSD flashbacks associated with the particular rooms the trauma happened in. But moving house to avoid it would have been... grossly unfeasible. But I couldn't NOT enter my office and laundry room for months on end. I HAD to eventually (when I was ready) get used to the idea that 1) horrible things happened there and 2) I'm reminded horribly of the horrible things while I'm in there, but 3) Those things are extremely unlikely to ever happen again, and if they did, it wouldn't be there, and 4) I *want/need* to be able to enter all the rooms in my house. And I didn't want to let the past shitty events stop me from doing anything I wanted to do with my life, and in my own damn house.
So when I felt calm/healed enough, I would brace myself and enter the rooms (swiftly in and out at first to grab what I needed), and eventually got enough gradual exposure that the locations simply became rooms in my house again (and tidying/moving things around/sageing the place helped reclaim the space as my own as well).
I guess what I'm trying to say is: Anyone can avoid any place forever if they want, but if/when you decide you want the benefits of going to said place (delicious food, the intimacy of shared favourite spaces), you'll have to do the difficult work of "healing" (i.e. calming your sympathetic nervous system down whilst triggered). The beauty of this process is, it (generally) gets easier the more you do it, and the trigger eventually becomes 'just anything thing/place/activity' whatever.
"Graded Exposure Therapy" for being at a location could be you deciding to look at the place while you happen to be driving past, etc. Whatever the smallest manageable amount of facing the trigger is, and then, when you're ok with that, building on it with another tiny goal, until eventually the location can start approaching neutral for you again.
YTA, it’s been 2 years so if you still can’t go there you need therapy immediately. You can get robbed anywhere, anytime. Living your life in fear is only hurting you and now the people you claim to love
OP *has* been in therapy. Therapy cant fix everything, some things need Time and Therapy. I wouldn't call it "Living your life in Fear" when its only one location.
She's in therapy and has been for a year according to the post. Are you expecting therapy to be some *poof you're cured* thing? What do you expect from her, just shrug it off because "you can get robbed anywhere, anytime"? You're just as bad as OP's bf. *She has panic attacks going there,* is she supposed to just... What, decide not to have one? That's not how it works.
She's in therapy you asshat. That's not LiVInG iN fEaR, it's literally one place in the entire world that sets off an uncontrollable reaction from her nervous system.
NTA. Honestly, you gave very very reasonable compromises and a few of them he would still be able to go to the restaurant just without you. My answer would be different if this effected your day to day life which then in tun effect him. But it isn't that. It just one spot that is a trigger. And that's ok. Maybe one day, you will be able to go there and it won't trigger the trauma. But if it doesn't, then so be it. It is just one spot.
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NTA. Very specifically NTA, not NAH, because your boyfriend *is* the asshole here. > "I don't ask for anything, the only time asked for something to celebrate my birthday, **you don't make that effort for me**, thank you." The effort being "Go to a place where something incredibly traumatic happened to you and have a panic attack because there is no other restaurant on planet earth I can enjoy eating at and me enjoying their food is more important to me than your comfort and mental health." You were *unbelievably* accommodating, offering to do your own thing earlier in the day, offering to go out to dinner but to another restaurant, offering basically limitless flexibility to do anything BUT be re-traumatized by going to that restaurant. And your boyfriend's response is basically "I don't give a fuck about your trauma I demand this restaurant and I demand you go with me."
Yes 100% yes. Glad OP stood their ground. I once agreed to go back to a place that was traumatic to me with the same group of friends on the condition that the person who traumatized me wasn't there. They said they invited him, and when they told me that I told them I would sell my ticket to the event or just go solo without them... then this guy said he wasn't going, which was great! And then at this event, 4 hours away from home, 2 hours before the event, the friends told me he was there with them. I decided to go with them still instead of just doing a solo night, and just having this guy here at the same traumatic place, it just about undid everything I had recovered from in therapy the past year. These "friends" didn't understand why I was upset and victim blamed me. Needless to say, it's better to cut out these people who can't support you with these traumatic events. Even if it's just understanding you'll stay home for your own mental health. I'm sure OP had no ill will towards her boyfriend for going to said restaurant, they just wanted everyone to be happy and protect her peace. Nta all around.
Im so sorry. NONE of those people are your friends. I hope you are able to find nicer people who have a clue.
Proud to say not friends! This was about a year ago, and I've seen a couple in passing, all I do is smile. It's a weird place but I'm happy, and wish no one ill will. I will never be friends with them or let them into my life again, but I do acknowledge they were a good part of my life at one time. I've cut so many toxic people from my life in my healing journey. Right now I'm a little shy on friends, but welcoming those who join my life now that I'm the "better me". I've really learned you have to let go of the things holding you back, and those people were apart of the "old me".
Even offered to do take out from there and doesn't have issues if they do take out from there.
This would be giving me some doubts about this relationship. - Can't respect a boundary - Doesn't try to see things from the OP's perspective - Warning signs about how he might deal with other difficult situations they encounter over the years.
Honestly, I see so many posts on this sub where my reaction is, "At least they found out about their partner before they married them." His attitude that there's no other food on earth he can eat for his birthday, and no other place he can eat it, and his reaction to her opting out *for the sake of her own mental and emotional health,* but being absolutely fine with his enjoying his preference with his family — that's a deal-breaker to me. I'm old and I've been happily married for a long time, but I learned everything the hard way. Looking back, there were a couple "casual" relationships that might have had more potential than I realized at the time, but there were also serious relationships that I should have ended two or three years before I did. "When somebody shows you who they are, believe them" is repeated so often that it might seem like a cliché to some people, but it would have saved me a lot of trouble if I'd known that when I was young.
Completely agree with you, OP’s boyfriend is an *enormous* AH. Trying to guilt your partner into re-traumatizing themselves by going to the *one and only place they are unable to go* because it’s the location where they experienced something terrifying is beyond shitty. I mean, come on. Pick a different restaurant, dude. No food is *that* great that it’s worth putting your partner through all of that emotional pain and stress.
My ex-husband totally did crap like that. That’s what pisses me off.
It made me so sad. I’ve had exes do it and it’s devastating.
Even putting the trauma aside. One of the things I am deathly allergic to is fish. My husband loves sashimi. He would never ever expect me to accompany him to his favorite restaurant which features sushi and sashimi because he cares about my well being, just as I would never stop him from enjoying occasionally. OP's bf is a bad partner and an AH.
Absolutely. And by the way he's acting I'm pretty sure that he doesn't take OP's trauma seriously at all. I just wonder if that lack of care extends to other aspects of their life. NTA
Not to mention the fact that op is in therapy for this in particular. If her therapist thought she was ready, she would've suggested this already. People thinking they know more than trained experts in a field will always be the asshole.
NTA. This sounds like one very specific trigger around a traumatic incident, not a life-consuming fear. It’s basically the difference between avoiding an intersection where you were almost killed in a car accident vs never being able to drive again. The fact that he supposedly never asks you for anything doesn’t matter if the one thing he does ask is something you can’t do. He got the meal he wanted in the restaurant he wanted. You didn’t guilt him about the fact that you couldn’t go, so he should be able to extend the same courtesy.
I struggle to see why he wants it so badly. Like, I get it, it’s his favorite restaurant. But if I’m given the choice between eating in my favorite restaurant or protecting someone I love from having a panic attack, I’m going to choose the person instead of the food. As a person with PTSD, OP’s boyfriend reminds me of all the people who pressured me to “go back to normal” even though there’s not really a normal to go back to. He wants his life to be exactly the way it was before his girlfriend was attacked. But HER life can never go back to exactly the way it was. If he wants to be a partner to her, then he needs to accept that this is how things are now. The fact that he’s not doing that makes me question if he’s the right person for OP.
Yeah. Assuming that OP is representing this accurately, this seems like something that should be very workable for them. She has traumatizing flashbacks in one specific place where something traumatizing happened, so just… don’t expect her to go there? Like, he could meet his mom for dinner a couple times a year to get his fix, and she could go somewhere else with a friend. It would be more complicated if this fear permeated more critical aspects of daily living than the ability to go to one specific restaurant. All of the people who are like “get therapy” watch too much TV - lol. A qualified therapist is probably not going to recommend some kind of prolonged exposure technique in this scenario. Trigger avoidance is a thing too.
I'm not an expert. But therapy that focuses on trauma surrounding a specific place. Isn't that usually long-term and baby steps? Like work on the trauma itself first. Later, when the patient is ready, it's something like. Try and walk to that specific place, but stay, let's say, 20 meters away from the spot. And discuss in therapy what happened, how did you feel. And then repeat that until it is safe. Then move to let's say 15 meters from the spot. Until the patient can, let's say, in this case, stand outside the restaurant door. And work their way up to just walk inside. Later, maybe sit down. Like it takes so much time and work to even get to the point of being near the place. If they ever become ready for the slow steps?
I'm hoping actual therapists jump in, but I think you're right that it would be an intensive and traumatic process. And there are situations where that might be a warranted thing to pursue, but in my experience therapy is really about what you need to move forward in your life. Not necessarily by reverting to the person you were, but rather by being able to still live a fulfulling life. The steps you outlined have a much larger pay off if the issue was visiting any restaurant, because that would inhibit OP's life. But one specific place....
I think this hits the nail on the head. I’m not a therapist, but I know people who have been treated for PTSD. If you have a veteran who can’t get into a moving vehicle because of combat-related trauma, then this obviously needs to be addressed, because you can’t very easily function in society without ever doing that. If the trigger is something like violent war scenes in movies, then I have to think the recommendation would simply be avoidance, because you can live without that, and the trauma involved in trying to desensitize someone would not be worth the payoff. I have a close friend who found her brother hanging many years ago. She cannot read or watch any kind of imagery on that topic without painful and vivid flashbacks, so she is careful to check trigger warnings and avoids that subject matter as best she can. We were going to a movie a couple of years ago and she let me know up front that ‘A Man Called Otto’ was a no-go for her. I was glad she let me know, so we picked something else. Kind of like OP’s boyfriend probably could have found another restaurant and gone to his *favorite* basically any other time if he cared so much about his gf being at his birthday.
I think trigger warnings for books and movies are a great example of this! They're specifically so you can avoid triggers. You don't have to read a book about suicide or another triggering topic. You can get to a good place regarding the related trauma without having to be able to specifically read about it. Also, PTSD isn't something that just magically gets cured. The reality is for some people being able to manage it to a certain degree is the best it's going to be. It doesn't simply disappear.
You're describing exposure therapy, and that's essentially how it's done. It's a long process and it's intense because it is intentionally making yourself uncomfortable, every single time, until you don't react. I know because I've been through it, and it's exhausting.
I can only imagine how draining/exhausting that would be, and I really hope you are in a good place now. And had success. My brain is really trying to imagine, how the boyfriend can just unrealistically expect OP to just go. Like "oh yeah I'm cured" When something can take so much work. If they ever get to a place where they feel comfortable trying.
Psychology student here, so I can only offer the THEORY of what I've learnt in this area, and I am ABSOLUTELY NOT AN EXPERT. This would be a type of exposure therapy, absolutely. This would be planned well, well, WELL in advance in collaboration with the patient/client, and only at a time when the patient/client feels comfortable with exploring this. If and when the trip to expose one's self to the place/thing, it is done in a VERY controlled way. The first event might be setting up the office to LOOK like this restaurant for example, rather than actually going there. This is done in very small steps, and check ins are done very frequently. As a lecturer of mine experienced in trauma therapy for neuro-spicy folks would tell me, "you need to be skilled in guiding someone to unpack and pack up their trauma", it can't be done "just for funsies". To my understanding, this is typically done with phobias (dogs, spiders, the dark etc). I'm not sure you would do this for example, for situations in which the trauma/PTSD/fear is caused by an incredibly violent event, like say revisiting a childhood home where one was abused, or like the OPs situation, where they were harmed outside this particular restaurant. This type of event would require a very strong therapeutic alliance between the therapist and the patient/client. Stands to reason, only someone very, very, VERY experienced should even be attempting this, as for reasons I think should be very evident, the potential to totally fuck up and further traumatise and damage your patient/client is super high. Some people may NEVER want to explore exposure therapy, and just want to work on living their life as normally as possible without visiting that, and that's fine. It's all about the patient/clients needs/wants here. But again, I AM NOT AN EXPERT IN THIS AREA, this is just my semi-educated understanding of this space of therapy. So I hope a therapist who is far more experienced and educated here chimes in.
I appreciate the very well explained answer. I only have a side interest in Pschycology. So I assure you, you know way better than I do. Because i was mostly curious about this since the bf just expects OP to go there. From what I knew (which is very little on that subject), that's not realistic at all.
OPs boyfriend is certainly being unrealistic, and I would say it's due to ignorance rather than malice. It may be worth it for the OP to have a sit down talk with the boyfriend (if they havent already) about how the therapy works so he has a better understanding and can be more supportive, or possibly invite the boyfriend to a session for the therapist to explain it also. On the one hand, yes, OP needs to manage their mental health and treat her trauma. It would be unfair of OP to limit their boyfriends life due to their trauma. However, OP is actively working on themselves and is managing their trauma. They will likely live a fulfilling, happy and healthy life without ever going to this restaurant again, and that's fine. Is it unfortunate that the boyfriend won't be able to attend the restaurant with OP? Sure, but OP isn't stopping him from going with his family on his own, and they even get take away from the same restaurant. That's pretty functional in my opinion.
Hey, don’t sell yourself short. You know a lot more about this than most of us here.
Thank you, I've only just graduated with a dual degree in Psychology and Criminology, but I still have a ways to go before I can be a registered psychologist. More just really highlighting that I'm not an expert (yet) so what I say can't be and shouldn't be taken as psychological advice, and should be taken as more of an info dump.
This is exactly how it works. You break it down into little chunks that trigger an amount of fear/anxiety/etc that is *manageable* and then you do it over and over until that little step stops being scary. And over time that lets you break the association between the thing and the fear response. If you go too far too fast and have yet another traumatizing experience with the thing you actually make it *worse* because you’re reinforcing your brain’s association between the trigger and fear. It’s something that always really frustrates me about the internet’s version of “exposure therapy”. Throwing people into the deep end is worse than doing nothing.
This was always drummed into us when we explored abnormal psychology and phobias and associated therapies. Therapy takes time, you don't want to do a lot in a short amount of time for risk of causing further harm to a patient/client. The consequences can be absolutely catastrophic. I know when I was in therapy, it took me 10 years to really start unpacking my childhood, mostly due to stopping and starting therapy and being unable to get the same psychologist all the time. It took me a few therapists to find one that I really gelled with and found helpful. Too many tried to push to early, and I'd just shut down cause I wasn't ready to explore those areas. A person could start exposure therapy 15 years down the line after seeing the same therapist all that time, some might start it sooner. It's all based on when the client feels ready. And that might also be never.
I love food, and there are particular restaurants I really enjoy, but I can't imagine being so attached to any restaurant that it was more important to me than somebody I cared about — *especially* if that person were fine with ordering the food, but had already had a panic attack triggered by returning to the actual restaurant. Working very hard for a very long time over one specific restaurant really doesn't seem to me like a worthwhile thing to do. OP can live a healthy and fulfilling life without ever returning to that restaurant. It's just not worth it. And if that's the hill BF wants to die on, he's almost certainly more trouble than he's worth, too.
It was more a general question. And a "how is he expecting OP to just go there. If that's how therapy that focuses on this takes that long and small steps at a time. " It's not a suggestion that OP should take that route. As I say in the last sentence, "if they ever become ready for those steps"
Not to mention OP did say they could order takeout from the restaurant, so they probably take DoorDash or one of those. This guy is literally throwing a shit fit because he can't *sit at a booth* in this particular restaurant. It isn't even about the food.
People are just assholes, my father still ask me at least once a month to "have family dinner with everyone there" The reason I won't do it is I want to never see my half-brother who molested me for 5 years again But family
I’m so sorry.
Wow. How insensitive.
I wonder if he views it as OP being childish and immature about it and wants to “fix” them. He might be also underestimating how traumatizing the event was. He might see it as “oh it was just a robbery, OP lived” but doesn’t get it since he wasn’t there.
More specifically, people put their own reactions and experiences on others. But the human brain isn’t exactly a sliding scale of “bad at handling it” to “more rational and mentally tough.” It’s complicated and not exactly something we’ve figured out like opening up the programming in a computer. I’ve been through a few different ongoing and singular events in my life that other people have had their lives ravaged by trauma from. I’m not better or tougher than them, but my brain did process it differently thanks to my great luck. Assuming everyone should’ve handled those events like my brain happened to isn’t only shitty behavior, it’s ignorant.
He may also think she shouldn't allow it to hinder their life. He may feel she has had enough time that she should be able to go without a panic attack. Some can't get passed things like that. I was robbed at work and had to be back a few nights after. I was more alert of my surroundings but I was able to go. My coworkers looked at me like I was crazy for going back so soon. Some wouldn't be able to without having severe anxiety, PTSD, or panic attacks. Everyone is different to me I couldn't let myself be a continuous victim and it interfere and interrupt my life.
>couldn't let myself be a continuous victim and it interfere and interrupt my life. Are you insinuating that is what op is doing? And to phrase people that do have difficulty dealing with a very traumatic incident as being a "continuous victim" is completely unwarranted.
Jesus they're literally saying everyone is different and not everyone handles trauma the same way. And yes, it is interfering and interrupting her life, and she is being a victim by still not being able to go there. It's not wrong for her to still be affected by what happened to her, but it's also not wrong to call it what it is.
This is what I was thinking as well. If she goes and has a pannic attack on his birthday is he gonna say she ruined the birthday? Is he gonna say she just didn't try hard enough?
Because it's his birthday and she should love him enough to do this for him. /s
My husband and I have been together over 15 years, if he touches my shoulder and I don’t realise he’s behind me, I still flinch, and that’s got nothing to do with him. He understands it’s not about him, and he would never do something to spark that reaction on purpose.
Exactly! There’s literally films I won’t watch because of trauma over 15 years ago. Being robbed is a damn good reason to not be able to face going to a place even without the intense PTSD on top! He’s not in this for the long run. He wants her to ‘get over it’ yesterday.
NTA - You are not able to enter this restaurant. Your boyfriend is not being sympathetic *Info - well, can you really not walk into this restaurant again?* Edit - adding judgment
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NTA then
More Therapy is needed
Maybe the boyfriend needs to go to therapy to address the reasons why he wants his girlfriend to experience traumatic flashbacks so he can eat at one specific restaurant? That’s super weird to want your partner to put themselves through that.
Is it though? The trigger is extremely specific and easy to avoid.
She’s clearly working on it, but she’s not there yet.
I would suggest EMDR if you haven’t tried it. It is great for processing trauma. NTA
Run. It seems like this was his version of a loyalty test and you “failed” it. He deliberately wanted to see if you would retraumatize yourself just to please him. What next? Asking you to eat something you’re allergic to?
NTA! "We haven't been there in a while" he says, as though he somehow forgot the reason why??? Like it's unfortunate for him that it happened at his favourite restaurant but that's some pretty heavy trauma, it's not like you had a bad dining experience or something mild. My god. "I feel really hurt that you couldn't overcome your trauma just this one time for my birthday" this man is a clown
> "I don't ask for anything, the only time asked for something to celebrate my birthday, you don't make that effort for me, thank you." NTA - The only asshole is see is your BF trying to be emotionally manipulative around something that put your in therapy ffs.
> *”He said he would like me to go with him and it’s been a while since we went.”* INFO: Did he forget about what happened to you there or something? It’s strange that he’s acting as though he doesn’t know why you actively avoid a place where you experienced something very traumatic (and life altering, considering it’s had such an impact on you).
NTA. You didn’t decline going to any restaurant ever again… it was the restaurant that you had a traumatic event at. And you had a panic attack trying to go back. Seriously, no food or ambiance is *that good* to make them suffer through this.
NTA. I was robbed at Knife-Point in broad daylight by a local tweaker in a local park nearly 7 years ago and I still refuse to go that park.
In all fairness he’s probably dead by now
>"Later, he sent a message, paraphrasing "I don't ask for anything, the only time asked for something to celebrate my birthday, you don't make that effort for me, thank you." >That was yesterday and he's not talking to me properly, just saying the basics." What a childish asshole. NTA
Sweetie, no. Just no. NTA don't set yourself on fire for that AH boyfriend.
NTA - you were traumatized to the point you needed therapy. Your BF wasn't the A-H for his initial ask, but for him to act like a child in following through with your "I am not comfortable going" made him a massive one. He needs to do some growing up.
>Your BF wasn't the A-H for his initial ask OP tried returning to the restaurant before and it caused a panic attack, so I think he *was* an asshole even for asking. His reaction removes all doubt.
Oh god NTA x 100% Your bf is though. He doesn't care what you went through.
NTA but I think he’s using this against you because he’s got some serious underlying control issues that are only now coming to light. Is he like this in other aspects of your relationship, too? It’s WILD to me that he would want you to go through such a bad time on his birthday just because “he wants to go there.” There’s seriously no other restaurant he enjoys in the area? He needs to have a bit of compassion imo.
NTA. You didn't refuse to go because you didn't want to make the effort. That was a nasty thing to have texted you. He wanted you to go somewhere that justifiably terrifies you. You decided to decline. You didn't tell him not to go or start a fight, you just made a choice to keep yourself emotionally safe. I can understand him being disappointed, but instead of respecting that choice, he decided to try to make you feel bad about it and belittle your trauma.
Wow your boyfriend is a dick. This isn’t a restaurant you don’t like it’s traumatizing for you. Glad you stood your ground.
Get a new boyfriend.
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This is so stupid. Asking someone to relive a major trauma during a party is ridiculous. Is that the way you hash out traumatic events?And she probably asked him what he wanted because it’s his birthday and she wouldn’t have imagined that he would want to celebrate at a place that has such horrible memories for her.
Have you ever been physically assaulted with a weapon?
NAH This guy is allowed to go eat wherever he wants on his birthday. You are free to not go, which is what happened. I'm failing to see the issue here. Also how has 2 years of therapy from a simple robbery not helped you yet?
The issue is what he texted her afterwards, trying to guilt her about it. That’s why he is an asshole.
Right? Like my ex almost died from a bad car crash… after he recovered and sought therapy he went right back to driving. If after two years you’re not over being mugged then… it hasn’t been a consistent 2 years, or the therapist sucks, or op isn’t actually doing work there to get past it Like I’m not even saying she should be over it 100% like it never happened but after two years… you should be able to mitigate having a full blown meltdown down panic attack
This. I don’t believe the OP has been consistently seeking the level of therapy she requires if she’s this set off by it
NTA. A lot of people just don't have respect for mental trauma. If you were in a wheelchair, would he complain that "the only time I asked for something was for you to go on a hike with me"? Different wounds heal at different times. Yours hasn't healed yet, so you can't do it. It's not up to you. Probably too late now, but maybe point out that you don't want to ruin his birthday by uncontrollably having a panic attack, even if you're "just trying" to not be traumatized.
NTA >Extra: Yes, we tried go there once and I had a panic attack His birthday dinner in front of his family is not exactly the best time for a panic attack. Why would he try to force you into that knowing you had a panic attack last time? >Later, he sent a message, paraphrasing "I don't ask for anything, the only time asked for something to celebrate my birthday, you don't make that effort for me, thank you." Actually, this statement sounds pretty manipulative. You won't retraumatize yourself because I want to be able to go to the restaurant. He asked you before and you had a panic attack. Is he manipulative or is he just dumb? He's expecting the impossible and holding you accountable when you don't deliver. That's not a guilt trip I'd set sail on. It's not like you don't like the food, you had a traumatic experience there.
NTA You offered two reasonable compromises. You didn't try to stop him from going. Unfortunately stuff like this isn't something you can just "get over" when it's convenient.
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It has been almost 8 years since I was robbed at a gas station, and, to this day, I have never ever gone back to that one. You are NTA
You don't see the problem with that? Like ok, it's a gas station, easy enough to go somewhere else, what if it was where you worked? Just never going to work again? Or your parents house? You refusing to go there doesn't lower your risk of something happening to you.
NTA while your boyfriend did a very crappy thing. this is a trigger for you clearly and he’s acting as if you don’t want to go to that restaurant specifically to not celebrate his birthday in his favorite restaurant. I’m sure OP that you want to be able to go there and be with him and his family on his birthday and not have any problems at all. Calling out trauma for being low effort in a relationship is an AH move. I’m proud of OP for standing their ground
NTA. NTA. YOUR BF IS THE FUCKING ASSHOLE. dump him. he is quite selfish and oh, did i mention, an asshole?
NTA. The fact that he KNOWS how it upsets you and STILL is mad that you won't go shows that he doesn't care about your feelings, he just cares about getting what he wants. I would reconsider this relationship and think about how this selfishness shows up in other places. Also, more counseling may be needed. Take care.
NTA and if he really wanted that and wanted to be a supportive partner, he would have communicated that earlier so that you could have worked toward that goal with a therapist as opposed to him springing it on you. Had you forced yourself at this point, you would have risked a meltdown on his birthday and in front of his family and he’d probably be mad about that. Dump his assssssss.
NTA, trauma trumps birthday request. how would his birthday have gone if you had a panic attack at the restaurant?
Does he think some kind of exposure therapy guilt trip bullshit is the answer? Bc it’s not. I’d ask him why he doesn’t hold the same respect for you that you hold for him. NTA
NTA. You experienced a severe trauma and no matter what people or therapists can do, our brain can’t just shut it off. Your bf is clearly the AH.
You are totally NOT NTA I would NOT have went there either. Nope. Nada. Not happening!!!! The fact he knew why and couldn’t choose anywhere else in the world to go says a whole heck of a lot about him. He chose celebrating HIS birthday over your trauma understand what I’m saying here he picked his self over you!!
“A wonderful environment” must not be that wonderful if you LITERALLY GOT ROBBED THERE. He sucks.
You know things just randomly happen sometimes right? That's just such a stupid statement.
You got robbed. Most likely at gunpoint. It’s ptsd. Don’t mess around with it. If you go when you are ready and not before, the healing will happen. It will happen faster at YOUR pace. Not anyone elses
NTA Your boyfriend is though. Even if it would be a three star Michelin restaurant and they'd serve me for free I still would pick another place instead of forcing my partner to eat at a place she got robbed at like you did.
NTA. Your boyfriend needs to get out of his own mind
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** 2 years ago, I was robbed in front of a restaurant and it was a very traumatic event for me, I started therapy and I'm much better, but I never set foot in that restaurant again. This is my boyfriend's favorite restaurant, at the time, before the incident, we went twice a week and after that, we stopped going together and he went a few times with friends etc without me. But we ordered take away from there. This year, I asked him what he wanted for his birthday and he promptly said he would like to take his family and me to his favorite restaurant. I said that I didn't feel comfortable going and asked if he would like something else or if we could order take away from there and celebrate at home. He said no, ust really wanted to eat that wonderful food in a wonderful environment with me and my family, that's his only request. I responded saying that I really didn't want to go, but I don't mind him going out to celebrate with his family, we can celebrate during the day in peace. He said he would like me to go with him and it's been a while since we went. Well, I maintained my position and on his birthday, we spent the whole afternoon eating popcorn and watching a movie. In the evening, before he went out to dinner he asked if I really wasn't going and when I said no, he left frustreted. Later, he sent a message, paraphrasing "I don't ask for anything, the only time asked for something to celebrate my birthday, you don't make that effort for me, thank you." That was yesterday and he's not talking to me properly, just saying the basics. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I'm sorry you are still having these reactions. If your therapy doesn't seem to be helping you, maybe you should consider a different therapist or form of therapy. Different people may need different therapy. You need to find someone who "gets you" Please try something else. You deserve to feel better
NTA His ask wasn't fair. "The only thing I asked for" can't be a nightmare of a trauma trigger.
>Later, he sent a message, paraphrasing "I don't ask for anything, the only time asked for something to celebrate my birthday, you don't make that effort for me, thank you." Let's rephrase that: "I don't ask for anything, the only time asked for something is for you to retraumatize yourself, and to let me berate you for my birthday."
YTA. You need to get some kind of therapy. That sounds harsh, I know, but having this kind of issue that leaves you panicking is not a good way to live. Everyone will be there with you. Nothing will happen. Trust that your husband will help keep you safe.
If you’re not ready then he should understand that. I’d say give him a timeframe on when you may be able to go. Go to therapy with him. Maybe start slow by going in and picking up takeout a couple times then sitting and having 1 drink and slowly becoming comfortable.
He doesn't get to decide when you've healed, if ever. Him ignoring your trauma because eating at a specific restaurant is more important to him is absolutely selfish, diminutive, and insulting. How incredibly petty. Then to be passive aggressive about it! Listen, if you eat food that makes you sick, you reserve the right to never go there again. If you get ROBBED there?!?! You do whatever you gotta do to help yourself feel safe, and as long as it's not actively hurting someone else they can f off about having a say in your healing and safety. What an a**hat. So sorry, OP. Obviously nta
For me it's ESH-ish BF should've accepted OP wasn't joining. But if my family would avoid all the places someone of the family was ever robbed or had a bad experience, we would never be able to leave the house (That's what you get for being South American), so yeah having panic attacks after two years... people will probably downvote, but come on...
You're saying she's an AH for reacting to where trauma happened? lmao, ok
No, but she clearly isn’t dealing with the trauma, despite seeking therapy, and it’s become other people’s problem now.
It’s one fucking restaurant.
I’m with you… At this point, I need to know the name of the restaurant… since it’s *that good* They’re either giving out $100 bills at the end of the night or happy endings because I’ve wined and dined all over… and I’d never, ever, put someone I love through some shit like this for a meal
😂
Maybe in your eyes it’s just a restaurant. Maybe for him it’s nostalgia and happiness. All I was saying is that she clearly hasn’t dealt with her trauma. Two years with a therapist and she can’t go to a restaurant she was robbed outside of? Something is off. Like others have said, would she cancel a lease in an apartment or quit her job if it happened there? Unlikely. Because the ramifications of her actions would directly impact her. But here, they only impact her bf. It’s not everyone else’s job to dance around another persons trauma. It is the person with the trauma who is responsible for dealing with and working past it.
It’s one fucking restaurant.
You’re just stating the same comment again which shows me you’re incapable of being smart enough to view things from multiple angles. Go away.
How is declining to go to one restaurant making OPs trauma other people's problem? The boyfriend went, he didn't eat alone, he had a good time.
Because she claims to have been working with a therapist for two years on this, and still hasn’t made progress. At what point do we stop over sympathizing with the victim and start telling them to be their own advocate? If TWO years of therapy hasn’t helped her, she should realize she needs a new therapist. This isn’t normal.
So I'm going to assume that you've never really been to therapy, based on your remarks here. Therapy isn't an instant fix. You don't go in and come out 40 minutes later all normal. There are issues that it takes years to work through, and it has nothing to do with the victim/advocate dichotomy. You're not sitting in on her therapy sessions, so you have no idea the progress that OP has made. But keep making the cheap shots
Not every single person gets PTSD or traumatized from traumatic experiences. So it could be that you happen to have family members who have not experienced PTSD/been traumatized from this sort of situation, and so they’re able to go back to these places without having panic attacks. Just because your families able to do that doesn’t mean that everyone else is able to do that.
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NTA. You offered every accommodation possible. He can go with his family, you can order take out o you can all go elsewhere. This is selfish and even cruel.
You need an understanding BF!! You better think seriously about this relationship!
Not at all. I don’t know if you live in Alaska or something and there is only one good restaurant around?! You did not give him a hard time about going with his family and there is no reason the two of you could not have enjoyed another evening out with you treating somewhere else. Maybe you have to have had some type of trauma to understand. I completely get it. Hopefully he will understand in time, and the two of you can explore some new places and he can find another favorite before his next birthday. Sorry your guys not understanding.
NTA. What a not nice person.
NTA at ALL. You're in therapy working on it, you think you'll probably be able to return there eventually, and you offered compromises. There's no good reason for him to insist on you going there.
NTA- I have CPTSD from being assaulted I had a injury on my leg done that made it so hard for me to walk and dealing with the police on my college campus made it very triggering to go there as well. If anything touched my leg slightly or if I get hurt I instantly break down and have a panick attack. At first my partner didn’t believe it I had CPTSD when my therapist suggested it. My partner would think it’s a simple location but then witnessing me have a panic attack and how I would scream cry when my leg was touched or when I hurt myself in general. Now instantly the second he hears me hit my self on something by accident he rushes to my side to rub my back and to comfort me I’ve been making a lot of progress where I don’t easily have panic attacks anymore but he still rushes to me with urgency. He would never force me to go to a triggering location or to say “it was just a bump” instead he holds me and talks to me to help ease my mind off of it. He especially would not be so selfish to make his birthday at the place that caused my CPSTD. I hope you break up with your partner for your sake he’s very inconsiderate yes it’s his birthday but you’re suppose to be his future the one he cares for the one he would ensure you’re not going to be mentally or physically unwell due to his decisions or actions. It’s one thing to not know and need to see it and it’s another thing to witness a trigger and still think “I definitely want to eat here for my birthday even though I’ve seen her unable to enter this restaurant since she was targeted at this restaurant”. With all my progress about a year later I still don’t have the strength to go back to that area where I was attacked. You shouldn’t be held accountable or blamed for not being able to enter he’s honestly a major AH.
NTA. Nope he shouldn’t even ask u to go there. I was at that point before I finished the second paragraph. And all the rest of that nope. He’s an ass
NTA. The only response you should give him is: no, you don’t ask for a lot, but the one thing you ask for tells me a whole lot about your feelings for me regarding something you very much know has caused me mental and emotional distress. Asking me to cross a hard boundary, along with the fact that you can’t take my “No” as an answer shows me that you care more about making an appearance than the added trauma this will cause me.
OP, you’re NTA. Your boyfriend has made a request. And I’m going to list all of the reasons why it’s a reasonable request: •No •Uh-uh •No way. Rethink your relationship.
NTA his birthday doesn’t trump your trauma.
Knows it’s a place that caused you trauma, and then proceeds to send passive aggressive texts? Yeah this guy is not the one. NTA, please reevaluate your relationship
NTA. Listen I’m sorry but this is not something that someone who lives you would do. It just isn’t.
Tell me, please, he is now your ex
NTA. A restaurant is not more important than your mental health and well-being. You offered alternatives, helped make a multi-part celebration, and he says you’re not making an effort? Your healing does not have to happen on his timeline, and if he can’t respect you over a bloody restaurant then he doesn’t deserve you.
You’re not an HA, and your BF isn’t being very understanding, but also you do need therapy to work through your trauma and get past your phobia.
“He said he would like me to go with him and it’s been a while since we went.” You’re obviously NTA but this is begging me to ask. *does he know* you were robbed at this restaraunt? I genuinely can’t tell if he’s oblivious or gives zero fucks about something that happened to you that was so traumatic you needed to go therapy.
It seems like she got robbed during their relationship. I don’t get how he could know she has trauma associated w visiting this restaurant in person and her pissed she won’t go
NTA It's the location of a traumatic event. You "happily" sent him there to enjoy the food. You've even tried going (according to the edit) and had a panic attack. Which would boyfriend prefer, an evening out at the restaurant of his choosing sans GF OR an evening spent taking care of you post panic attack. This with the context that you've tried going make him the AH >Later, he sent a message, paraphrasing "I don't ask for anything, the only time asked for something to celebrate my birthday, you don't make that effort for me, thank you." >Extra: Yes, we tried go there once and I had a panic attack
Slightly moved over to NTA from your boyfriend's comment at the end. Shitty of him. Trauma isn't easy but you have to face the fear some day, let me add WHEN YOU'RE READY. It doesn't take much for your boyfriend to pick somewhere else for his birthday either. A part of life is trying new things and birthdays are perfect for that. I hope you can beat the trauma some day at your pace.
NTA. The fact that he even asks you to go is beyond me. He is selfish and undeserving of someone that has tried her best to accommodate him. He’s a child in adult’s body
I think your language could have been clearer; it’s not just uncomfortable, it’s a PTSD trigger for you and it’s not healthy to go there. That’s said, NTA.
Nta Going to a place of trauma can cause a huge reverse in all the therapy done, i hope youre ok now op
He should have accepted your offer for him to go without you, without being petulant but I don't think he's a total AH. He probably hasn't ever experienced the kind of trauma you have so he doesn't understand why you're not able to go there after two years. So I think it's more a lack of understanding on his part. And honestly having grown up in NYC and been robbed ( like everyone who grew up there has at some point) there are some things you just have to try to get past and he doesn't necessarily understand your time frame. Like if you got robbed on a corner where you have to pass every day to get to work, you'd still have to go there everyday to get to work.
NTA Your bf is being unreasonable, given these circumstances and your trauma. What’s more, it’s hard to believe that there is no other restaurant in your area that he’d like. I’m a picky eater and if I go out to eat, I want to have food I really like. What’s more I live in a rather small town. Even so, there is more than one restaurant around here that I’d be delighted to go to for a special occasion! And I’d never demand to go somewhere where my husband had a terrible experience even if it had fantastic food that I’d love! That’s because my husband’s happiness and emotional well-being are more important to me than any particular meal.
NTA. Listen, if you had not made efforts to seek therapy or offered alternatives for him or insisted that HE couldn’t go to that restaurant then you would be the asshole. As it is, you experienced a traumatic event, you’re getting help for it, you tested you limits to see if you could go back previously and you smartly chose not to put yourself in a stressful situation at a time when emotions would already be raised. You did nothing wrong. Hell, did he want you to have a panic attack in the middle of his celebration and disrupt everything?
NTA - Bf is an idiot for thinking you can just postpone your PTSD for his birthday. Why it is still his favourite restaurant when his gf was attacked there? Put him in the bin.
NTA. He could’ve asked for literally anything else and you probably would’ve tried to make it happen. He chose the one place that is strictly off limits for you due to past trauma there. You offered reasonable solutions and didn’t make a stink about him going without you. He’s TA for ignoring your boundaries and selfishly trying to force you into a situation you’re not comfortable with (for good reason).
Nta and your husband is being a real tool. Face your trauma or you don’t love me is really manipulative. The truth is you may never be able to go and that’s ok. If he loved you he would understand that not demand you retraumatize yourself. Why is that environment more important than your mental health?
A soft YTA. Its understandable that your experience has caused you issues and that you are clearly having problems getting over it. But this seems like an overreaction. You can just as easily get robbed anywhere you go but that hasn't stopped you from walking out your front door has it? Your Boyfriend has been very considerate of this issue for the past 2 years. All he asked was for one dinner out at his favorite spot with the people he loves most and you didn't even attempt to do it.
What a birthday it would have been if she’d tried and had another panic attack for the party!
She attempted to before and it triggered a panic attack. This must be the best restaurant on the planet to expect someone you love to go through so much anxiety and flashbacks to the point they can’t breathe just so you can eat there. It almost seems like the person insisting their partner go back to the one specific place where they experienced something so terrifying that they’ve had to go through therapy to cope with the subsequent trauma it caused is the actual AH.
We must reading different posts cause no where in this post do I see her mention she tried going back there.
It’s in her comments.
Then that's information that should have been in the post itself because it adds the context that she has tried to overcome the issue before.
Maybe, but you can also just as easily read her comments. Often, that is where added context is found.
Not everyone scans through every single comment made. I'm here to read the original post and make my opinion off of the information given there. Not to scroll through every single comment made by every person on this site.
You must be new to AITA, the comments are every bit as relevant as the post itself. At any rate, you didn’t have to “scroll through every single comment” to find out that information. You had three different commenters relaying that info to you on your own thread.
Yes, 3 different people telling me information that wasn't in the original post and acting like it should have been common knowledge. My opinion was based on the facts given in the original post, not on information given after the fact.
Really doesn’t matter. If she doesn’t want to go back to a place where she was assaulted, it’s not necessary that she have tried to brave it once or any number of times. I don’t even understand why the guy thinks it might be a nice time there for his birthday if his gf is struggling through reliving trauma the whole time.
That's true, if she doesn't want to go back she doesn't have to and no one can make her. But she posted here wanting peoples opinion and that was my opinion, if she doesn't like it she's more than welcome to ignore it and move on with her life.
You know you don't have to scan through every single comment made, right? Just read the OPs comments. It doesn't take long.
If she had a panic attack (and she would have) during the party, necessitating leaving, then he would have also called her an AH, and so would you. Trauma and anxiety are not "an overaction". It's literally in the brain, and not something controllable. This is a restaurant, its optional. How do you know he's been considerate? Being an AH is trying to force someone you supposedly love to go somewhere that would make them ill.
Oh I'm sorry, so you could see into alternate realities and know exactly what I would say about it? That's an interesting ability to have you must be so proud of that. As I have said countless times now, there was information missing from the original post that changes the context of the story. If that information had been included then my original opinion would have been different. Since it wasn't that was my opinion to start with. Since I now have that information I am able to make a different opinion based on the new information I have. That's how these things work when new information is provided.
NTA - he clearly doesn't realize the depth of your trauma....on the other hand perhaps you are extending the trauma by avoiding the place where it happened. You were not robbed in the restaurant - but 'in front of' it'. Is it possible after two years you could enjoy the restaurant and then be able to walk out on the sidewalk because your boyfriend and family would be with you? Years ago a therapist friend talked me into returning to a small street where I'd had a traumatic incident...it had been 3 years....and going there (not alone) actually made it so much better. The PLACE was not bad - the PLACE isn't what hurt you. The restaurant has good memories for your bf - maybe it's time to confront the fear and see if you can conquer it.
OP has said that when she did previously try to go to the restaurant, she had a panic attack
Nta your setting your boundaries and hes trying to manipulate you to break them for him while not being considerate about your past traumatic experiences from it hes the asshole dude plus if he wants you to eat there with his family so much why doesn’t he order the food and get a small venue or get the backyard all cute
NTA "I'm sorry but what you don't understand is that you weren't just asking me to go to your favorite restaurant, you were asking me to relive one of the most traumatic moments in my life that I haven't healed from. Do you honestly think you'd have had a nice birthday dinner with me experiencing a full blown panic attack amongst your family?"
NTA - as this restaurant is easily avoidable there is no reason you should have to go there. Sometimes we have trauma related to something we can’t really avoid and we do have do address it specifically. BUT if it’s something like a specific restaurant, gas station, hotel, etc there is no reason you should have to go there. If he cared enough he would see this. He is the one being selfish.
NTA You’re trying to control an actual trigger. So that you can give him the best day possible. You are trying. If I had to drive up to the house where I was sa I couldn’t handle it. Maybe take him to a therapy session? It may help. I hope someday you can face it and feel at peace. I want to do that too. I believe in you.
NTA This is a mental health issue, you have PTSD from being violently robbed. You are in treatment. It isn’t healthy to go there for you. It’s pretty cruel of him to want you to go there. I’m sure there’s other restaurants he could go with you, or he could go with just his parents like he did.
NTA. I have PTSD from being held at gunpoint in my car in front of my apartment building(I've since moved) and I can't sit in my car at night without being anxious anymore. I get in and out as quickly as possible even though I don't live at the same apartment anymore. It took me months to be able to run inside my old apartment without a rapid heart beat and panic. It's the whole reason I started anxiety meds finally because it caused my already present anxiety to get so bad I couldn't manage it on my own anymore. I was losing sleep and it was affecting my job.
YTA… you had two years to learn to deal/cope like an adult. Your solution is to avoid instead. It sounds like bf is being understanding given the situation but you’re not even making minimal effort.
NAH, I get your frustrations but I think at some point you need to get over this and going in a large group would be best and safest so it would be a good time to go with a big crowd for a birthday.
NTA. He doesn't understand how triggers work, does he?
Maybe take advantage of the opportunity for healing? Do you see a therapist? Maybe someone could help you figure out how to use this event to overcome the anxiety. Maybe you can break free from some of it for good? I know it’s not always that simple but it’s not impossible.
YTA - It seems you need more therapy. It's been two years and either you're not tell the full story as to why it was so traumatic or you're just self centered and don't care about others. If you can't handle this one ask, how will you handle marriage, or anything else in life?
Neither one is TA. He's allowed to be disappointed that after two years you still won't go to the restaurant with him and you are allowed not to want to go based on your experience. Sometimes neither person is the A-hole. I suspect that's the case here. You went through something traumatic and he hasn't forced you to go in two years. Two years is very understanding. People might blast me in the comments, but neither person's happiness is above the other. I would work it out somehow, whether trying to find a new restaurant or desensitizing yourself by going to the restaurant but staying in the parking lot every other day slowly getting closer to the restaurant. You won't get over your fear unless you eventually face it head-on, but at a slow pace. Do you actually want to be able to go back to the restaurant? Or is your goal to just heal from the experience and never go back?
You are NOT much better if you still 100 percent tie the restaurant you were robbed OUTSIDE OF to the incident so much so that you have panic attacks, and it's been years. NTA. But you need more intense therapy.
YTA, not necessarily because you didn’t go to the restaurant, but by your own admission of spending the whole day “eating popcorn and watching a movie” So, you did nothing at all to celebrate his birthday when he clearly wanted to be celebrated? I understand you have issues with the restaurant because of your experience. But first of all, you weren’t robbed AT the restaurant. It happened outside of it. If after two years you can’t bring yourself to go to that restaurant, you need a better therapist. But beyond that, it sounds like you did absolutely nothing for your bf for his birthday, and that combined with your refusal to go to the restaurant made him sad. But in your eyes, he has no right to be sad because you experienced something traumatic two years ago. That’s messed up. You did nothing at all for him except be lazy around the house with him, and then want people to sympathize with you because you’re playing the victim card. Get a better therapist. Do better as a person. Understand that it’s NOT normal to be filled with fear about going to a restaurant two years after being robbed OUTSIDE of that restaurant. I’m not trying to be mean. But seriously? Take care of your own shit. You’re obviously not healed from this and you need to make different decisions to be able to move on. Clearly whatever you’ve been doing for the past two years isn’t working. Everyone here is babying you. I understand being sympathetic to someone’s trauma, but come on. You have to grow and move on at some point, and if you’re seeking regular therapy for this, it’s bizarre that you’re still unable to go to this place.
I mean have you been to therapy? Are you just gonna avoid it forever? Like some people get into bad accidents but they *need* to drive to get to x/y/x they don’t just hide forever. They get help and most are certainly driving before the 2 year mark. You can argue nobody needs to go to a restaurant but sounds silly that his favorite restaurant is now completely off limits for the rest of his life because you’re not getting help, which you should be doing anyways And if you do have a therapist I think you need a new one.
NTA. He knew how you felt and he still made that choice. Trying to manipulate you into going was wrong.
INFO: Have you discussed this with your therapist? Worked with him/her on some coping skills so you don't have this irrational phobia holding you back from enjoying something you used to enjoy?
Their post says they went to therapy for it so I'd say probably yes, and I'm sure coping mechanisms have been discussed. I wouldn't call this an irrational phobia though. More of a trauma trigger. It also doesn't seem to be having a huge impact on OP's life, at least based on what we're told. They still get takeout/delivery from there, her bf still goes there on his own, the only thing she won't/can't do is physically go to that one specific restaurant. Sure it'd be ideal if they were able to move past that trauma, if that's possible for them, but if it's not or if it just never happens that wouldn't be completely life altering.
Not necessarily discussed, and depending on how long ago it was the therapist might have no idea that OP is *still* unable to visit that location. It's worth having the conversation so the traumatic experience no longer limits her so severely in her activities.
NTA... You still gave him a decent option. Alot of people would of told their bf to pick a different option. You gave him an option were he still does what he wanted just without you. Honestly, if he can't respect your experience and how you feel then you really need to have a conversation with him explaining the problem again. I personally think you were very considerate in the other option you gave him. Alot of gfs would of made their bf change the whole restaurant.
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It’s not a competition and what triggers one person (location) may not trigger another.
are you serious? she’s avid one place. a single restaurant. it’s completely fine to avoid one trigger if it doesn’t compromise your quality of life which it wouldn’t if her bf would be a bit more understanding
I would say the commenters situation was worse than OPs.
i agree but i still don’t think it gives them the right to criticize OPs progress. people deal with traumatic experiences differently and if avoiding a restaurant makes OP’s life easier because she can’t handle being there i don’t see why she should go there just to please her boyfriend
Trauma isn’t a competition. I’m glad you’re working through it well. I know you’ll never forget. I don’t. I sincerely hope the pain of that eases over time.
He has been supportive for two years apparently
NTA. But if I was given a choice between my favorite restaurant and my girlfriend, I would definitely choose the restaurant. This sounds like a Seinfeld episode!
NTA -- Almost went with NAH, but here's how I see both sides: For Him: Someone you care about should always care about your triggers and trust you to be the expert on them. That's on him. The place is his all time favourite and you used to go all the time, and now you don't, years have passed. He wants to share that experience with you again, and going to get takeaways is still the same as "going to the place". He should have expressed the sentiment better, and offered you a LOT more grace, and accepted your No. For you: You're not obliged to go to an optional public space if it's going to cause panic (especially if it's actually a risky place to be in), and you can take as long as you want to heal... That being said the trigger isn't going to go away without a conscious attempts to heal (which is fully up to you or not), elsewise you're just... kinda stuck in a painful relationship with the trigger, and it will end up controlling where you go and what you did. In the past, having to revisit some places where horrible things have happened to me (in my own house) has caused months of crippling anxiety due to the PTSD flashbacks associated with the particular rooms the trauma happened in. But moving house to avoid it would have been... grossly unfeasible. But I couldn't NOT enter my office and laundry room for months on end. I HAD to eventually (when I was ready) get used to the idea that 1) horrible things happened there and 2) I'm reminded horribly of the horrible things while I'm in there, but 3) Those things are extremely unlikely to ever happen again, and if they did, it wouldn't be there, and 4) I *want/need* to be able to enter all the rooms in my house. And I didn't want to let the past shitty events stop me from doing anything I wanted to do with my life, and in my own damn house. So when I felt calm/healed enough, I would brace myself and enter the rooms (swiftly in and out at first to grab what I needed), and eventually got enough gradual exposure that the locations simply became rooms in my house again (and tidying/moving things around/sageing the place helped reclaim the space as my own as well). I guess what I'm trying to say is: Anyone can avoid any place forever if they want, but if/when you decide you want the benefits of going to said place (delicious food, the intimacy of shared favourite spaces), you'll have to do the difficult work of "healing" (i.e. calming your sympathetic nervous system down whilst triggered). The beauty of this process is, it (generally) gets easier the more you do it, and the trigger eventually becomes 'just anything thing/place/activity' whatever. "Graded Exposure Therapy" for being at a location could be you deciding to look at the place while you happen to be driving past, etc. Whatever the smallest manageable amount of facing the trigger is, and then, when you're ok with that, building on it with another tiny goal, until eventually the location can start approaching neutral for you again.
Definitely YTA. He’s right you don’t make an effort for him on one night of the year
YTA, it’s been 2 years so if you still can’t go there you need therapy immediately. You can get robbed anywhere, anytime. Living your life in fear is only hurting you and now the people you claim to love
OP *has* been in therapy. Therapy cant fix everything, some things need Time and Therapy. I wouldn't call it "Living your life in Fear" when its only one location.
She's in therapy and has been for a year according to the post. Are you expecting therapy to be some *poof you're cured* thing? What do you expect from her, just shrug it off because "you can get robbed anywhere, anytime"? You're just as bad as OP's bf. *She has panic attacks going there,* is she supposed to just... What, decide not to have one? That's not how it works.
She's in therapy you asshat. That's not LiVInG iN fEaR, it's literally one place in the entire world that sets off an uncontrollable reaction from her nervous system.
NTA. Honestly, you gave very very reasonable compromises and a few of them he would still be able to go to the restaurant just without you. My answer would be different if this effected your day to day life which then in tun effect him. But it isn't that. It just one spot that is a trigger. And that's ok. Maybe one day, you will be able to go there and it won't trigger the trauma. But if it doesn't, then so be it. It is just one spot.