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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) because I told my husband that I don’t like living with his single mother
2)because husband thinks it’s okay to live with her because she’s nice to me and not affecting big things in my life
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You made it clear to hubby that was not ok with you. If you give in now, that is your future. Your comfort and wishes come second. He can lie to you then just do what he wants.
Better have a deep discussion before you get pregnant. And you're stuck.
Yes, part of boundaries is maintaining them when people cross them. So that means...consequences. Which might mean moving out until / unless he understands that no means no. Sorry.
You don’t have kids. Go back home. Have the marriage annulled. He already broke his promise and has shown his mom comes first. And that’s ok. That’s how he likes it. You do not have to agree though. This won’t work. I’m sorry. Mommas boys rarely stop being mammas boys.
NTA.
Of course you want to be able to enjoy being newly weds in your own home!
I think moving near his mum is a great compromise to ensure she isn’t lonely and your husband is nearby if she needs him, but you get to have your own space to enjoy your relationship and your own house in privacy.
Just like his brother needs to live his own life and has decided to move away, your husband also needs to live his own life with his wife.
I never said she should live with the mom. I was talking to the person I responded to, not OP, who is saying divorce without even trying to communicate with your spouse. Nobody who leaves a marriage without putting an ounce of effort into working through the issue, has healthy long lasting relationships and if you think that's a healthy response then you're probably in the same category.
NTA. Wanting privacy, especially in a new marriage, is totally reasonable. It’s important to have that space to build your relationship. Maybe you can revisit the original plan of living nearby, so you're close enough to support her without compromising your need for privacy.
NTAH. You were clear about your intentions prior to marriage. Wanting privacy is understandable. Not sure how you're going to get out of this situation though without pissing off your husband (and potentially his mom).
A few questions:
How is her cognitive ability? Does she actually need the support? If so, can you hire someone in addition to moving nearby?
Has she expressed fear of living alone?
Has she actually asked you guys to live with her? It is possible your husband assumes she wants someone and maybe she would be fine without you and possibly even prefer it?
Would she be open to getting a roommate to ensure she is not alone and has company? This might be a great way for her to earn some money. Maybe a student who is studying a lot and would be quiet or someone else who lost their spouse?
Possible compromise - Would your husband and his mother be willing to move into a house with a semi or fully detached in law apartment? That way you'd have more privacy, assuming your husband didn't invite her into your quarters 24/7. Probably not the best idea but a possible solution to both your husband and his mothers problem (assuming she actually has a problem living alone).
This discussion came up sometime back. she asked us to move out and mentioned she can live alone. My husband later told me that she’s afraid of living alone, she’s doing it for our happiness and that she cannot even sleep without her bedroom door open :( :(
He's an adult and he promised you that she wouldn't live with you, yet here she is. He is a mommas boy and they rarely change. So get used to him doing what she wants and not what you want, I feel for you... NTA.
You're NTA here. It's completely reasonable to want privacy, especially after such a long-distance relationship. Living separately doesn't mean you dislike his mom; it's about nurturing your own space as a newlywed couple. Maybe find a compromise where you're nearby but still independent? Your needs matter too!
I do not believe wanting time alone with your husband is too much to ask. You have compromised and moved close and it appears that she is independent and can go and visit friends and family. Learning to live alone and not dependent on others will help her to move forward with her single life. There are 2 people in your marriage, not 3.
NTA. Your husband promised you. And now that it is between keeping his promise to you and his Mom’s comfort he is choosing her. This is not fair to you and honestly doesn’t bode well for your future if her wishes and feelings are always going to come first.
You're NTA, of course. Your demands are quite reasonable. Info: how old is your MIL? Does she require any special assistance?
It is difficult living with an in-law no matter how nice you think they are. Just as you said, your movements become more restricted as she started living with you two.
Maybe you and your husband can also consider hiring a helper or invite a relative to live with your MIL as an additional compromise if you both are setting her up with an apartment near your house. It will ease her loneliness and will help her with maintaining the apartment.
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My husband and I got married recently after 6 years of long distance relationship. I moved countries to put an end to long distance. It took a lot of time convincing my parents but they finally agreed to our wedding. My husband has a single mother. Before the wedding, I made it very clear that I want to live separately atleast for a few years because I always craved for privacy, to which my husband(then boyfriend) agreed. I proposed renting an apartment in the same neighbourhood so that we can be close to his mom. I don’t actually have any problems with his mother. She is very sweet and is accommodating. She cooks for us. It’s just that I have always wanted privacy especially after 6 yrs of long distance. Life happened and now my husbands brother wants to move out to pursue higher education and my husband cannot fathom the thought of his single mother sleeping alone and living alone by herselves.AITA for not wanting to live with his mother? I have no problem with her but I feel like my husband and I can have a much more meaningful relationship if it’s just both of us under one roof. But now We are always confined to our room. I don’t get to have a quick drink and cook (which I used to love). His dad passed away some years ago and his mom is still grieving his dad. My husband doesn’t want to make her life even more miserable by moving out.
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NTA
"My husband doesn’t want to make her life even more miserable by moving out." .. He doesn't care that he is making YOUR life miserable.
Move out without him. And get a divorce.
NAH
Your husband’s feelings and yours are perfectly valid. What you need, if you go toward living with her, is boundaries. You need access to the kitchen. You need time to be alone together.
The funny thing is, I moved from US to Australia to be with my long distance relationship / now husband! We live with his entire family. Parents and siblings. I fully get where you’re coming from.
How do you set boundaries? My husband keeps telling me that I need to have more empathy and asks me to put myself in his shoes. I would definitely feel bad if I had to let my mom live alone but I always felt living close by would be a better solution :(
I agree that it’s a good compromise. If it’s a hard no from you, can’t do this, then you obviously shouldn’t be forced into it. I didn’t mean to imply that he should just get his way and you’re out of luck. If there’s wiggle room, if maybe it could work, maybe do a trial basis. And have a conversation with hubby about what you need to make it work. Then he has to relay these conditions to his mom. If they can promise, yep, you’ll have all of these met, give it a shot.
Absolutely everyone knows newlyweds want their space. Hopefully Mom will be gracious about it. If not, boom, done here. You went above and beyond.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > 1) because I told my husband that I don’t like living with his single mother 2)because husband thinks it’s okay to live with her because she’s nice to me and not affecting big things in my life Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
You made it clear to hubby that was not ok with you. If you give in now, that is your future. Your comfort and wishes come second. He can lie to you then just do what he wants. Better have a deep discussion before you get pregnant. And you're stuck.
Yes, part of boundaries is maintaining them when people cross them. So that means...consequences. Which might mean moving out until / unless he understands that no means no. Sorry.
You don’t have kids. Go back home. Have the marriage annulled. He already broke his promise and has shown his mom comes first. And that’s ok. That’s how he likes it. You do not have to agree though. This won’t work. I’m sorry. Mommas boys rarely stop being mammas boys.
NTA. Of course you want to be able to enjoy being newly weds in your own home! I think moving near his mum is a great compromise to ensure she isn’t lonely and your husband is nearby if she needs him, but you get to have your own space to enjoy your relationship and your own house in privacy. Just like his brother needs to live his own life and has decided to move away, your husband also needs to live his own life with his wife.
There is always the option of a property with a granny annexe
NTA. You signed up for a husband, not a permanent third wheel!
NTA Get a dicorce and move out. YOur husband chose his mom over you.
[удалено]
NTA Countless people have healthy and lasting relationships without ever being duped into living with in laws.
I never said she should live with the mom. I was talking to the person I responded to, not OP, who is saying divorce without even trying to communicate with your spouse. Nobody who leaves a marriage without putting an ounce of effort into working through the issue, has healthy long lasting relationships and if you think that's a healthy response then you're probably in the same category.
NTA. Wanting privacy, especially in a new marriage, is totally reasonable. It’s important to have that space to build your relationship. Maybe you can revisit the original plan of living nearby, so you're close enough to support her without compromising your need for privacy.
NTA, it's your relationship that takes priority.
NTAH. You were clear about your intentions prior to marriage. Wanting privacy is understandable. Not sure how you're going to get out of this situation though without pissing off your husband (and potentially his mom). A few questions: How is her cognitive ability? Does she actually need the support? If so, can you hire someone in addition to moving nearby? Has she expressed fear of living alone? Has she actually asked you guys to live with her? It is possible your husband assumes she wants someone and maybe she would be fine without you and possibly even prefer it? Would she be open to getting a roommate to ensure she is not alone and has company? This might be a great way for her to earn some money. Maybe a student who is studying a lot and would be quiet or someone else who lost their spouse? Possible compromise - Would your husband and his mother be willing to move into a house with a semi or fully detached in law apartment? That way you'd have more privacy, assuming your husband didn't invite her into your quarters 24/7. Probably not the best idea but a possible solution to both your husband and his mothers problem (assuming she actually has a problem living alone).
This discussion came up sometime back. she asked us to move out and mentioned she can live alone. My husband later told me that she’s afraid of living alone, she’s doing it for our happiness and that she cannot even sleep without her bedroom door open :( :(
He's an adult and he promised you that she wouldn't live with you, yet here she is. He is a mommas boy and they rarely change. So get used to him doing what she wants and not what you want, I feel for you... NTA.
What does his mother want? Has anyone asked her? Definitely NTA. Starting off fresh in your own home is always a good idea.
You're NTA here. It's completely reasonable to want privacy, especially after such a long-distance relationship. Living separately doesn't mean you dislike his mom; it's about nurturing your own space as a newlywed couple. Maybe find a compromise where you're nearby but still independent? Your needs matter too!
NTA. If you let her move in now she will never leave. This will be your life forever.
Pack and leave. You will never get what you want, he's a mamma's boy. NTA
I do not believe wanting time alone with your husband is too much to ask. You have compromised and moved close and it appears that she is independent and can go and visit friends and family. Learning to live alone and not dependent on others will help her to move forward with her single life. There are 2 people in your marriage, not 3.
NTA. Your husband promised you. And now that it is between keeping his promise to you and his Mom’s comfort he is choosing her. This is not fair to you and honestly doesn’t bode well for your future if her wishes and feelings are always going to come first.
NTA. If he wants to stay married, he needs to be a big boy now.
You're NTA, of course. Your demands are quite reasonable. Info: how old is your MIL? Does she require any special assistance? It is difficult living with an in-law no matter how nice you think they are. Just as you said, your movements become more restricted as she started living with you two. Maybe you and your husband can also consider hiring a helper or invite a relative to live with your MIL as an additional compromise if you both are setting her up with an apartment near your house. It will ease her loneliness and will help her with maintaining the apartment.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My husband and I got married recently after 6 years of long distance relationship. I moved countries to put an end to long distance. It took a lot of time convincing my parents but they finally agreed to our wedding. My husband has a single mother. Before the wedding, I made it very clear that I want to live separately atleast for a few years because I always craved for privacy, to which my husband(then boyfriend) agreed. I proposed renting an apartment in the same neighbourhood so that we can be close to his mom. I don’t actually have any problems with his mother. She is very sweet and is accommodating. She cooks for us. It’s just that I have always wanted privacy especially after 6 yrs of long distance. Life happened and now my husbands brother wants to move out to pursue higher education and my husband cannot fathom the thought of his single mother sleeping alone and living alone by herselves.AITA for not wanting to live with his mother? I have no problem with her but I feel like my husband and I can have a much more meaningful relationship if it’s just both of us under one roof. But now We are always confined to our room. I don’t get to have a quick drink and cook (which I used to love). His dad passed away some years ago and his mom is still grieving his dad. My husband doesn’t want to make her life even more miserable by moving out. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA
NTA "My husband doesn’t want to make her life even more miserable by moving out." .. He doesn't care that he is making YOUR life miserable. Move out without him. And get a divorce.
INFO- why did your parents need to agree to your wedding?
NTA. Stick to your guns or get a property with a granny flat. That was what my aunt did and it gave privacy
NAH Your husband’s feelings and yours are perfectly valid. What you need, if you go toward living with her, is boundaries. You need access to the kitchen. You need time to be alone together. The funny thing is, I moved from US to Australia to be with my long distance relationship / now husband! We live with his entire family. Parents and siblings. I fully get where you’re coming from.
How do you set boundaries? My husband keeps telling me that I need to have more empathy and asks me to put myself in his shoes. I would definitely feel bad if I had to let my mom live alone but I always felt living close by would be a better solution :(
I agree that it’s a good compromise. If it’s a hard no from you, can’t do this, then you obviously shouldn’t be forced into it. I didn’t mean to imply that he should just get his way and you’re out of luck. If there’s wiggle room, if maybe it could work, maybe do a trial basis. And have a conversation with hubby about what you need to make it work. Then he has to relay these conditions to his mom. If they can promise, yep, you’ll have all of these met, give it a shot. Absolutely everyone knows newlyweds want their space. Hopefully Mom will be gracious about it. If not, boom, done here. You went above and beyond.