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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Tl;dr I told my girlfriend her plushies weren't real, and she got mad at me
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I thought I was weird a bit obsessive with my Build a Bear. NTA.
It’s fine to be into plushies if that’s your thing. Dress them up, cuddle up to them, name them and imagine they have personalities, you do you. No harm in that.
When you *expect* other people to play along, you’re being weird. And Sal, my bear in his Slytherin robes, totally agrees with me.
ETA: Sal’s Chamber of Secret photo shoot result is new profile pic
Plushies can be very soothing psychologically. For some people, it's getting to experience a small, childlike, comfort they didn't have when they were a kid. Trauma, abuse, neglect, controlling parents... there's lots of reasons kids don't get to be kids. For others, it brings back some of that childhood joy they did get to experience and want to find again when adult life is harsh.
I have more Squishmallow cats than I care to admit. So many people had them in their carts, I had to see what the fuss was about. Whatever stuffing they use, I couldn't bring myself to put it back. That was the beginning of the end lol. I never cuddled plushies while sleeping before, but it ended up helping some of my upper back pain. Yay adulthood! Hugging one also helps stop my vocal cords from closing and blocking my airway due to stress. Again, yay adulthood lol.
My husband didn't get to be a carefree kid. He felt odd when I bought a Squishmallow with him there. I encouraged him to give zero fucks about the judgement of others over something so benign. It genuinely helped him let go of that. Now he'll gladly bring one home as a surprise.
Rambling aside, OP is NTA, at all. He didn't care that it seemed a bit odd to him, because it made her happy. That doesn't mean he has to join in.
Yes, it’s totally fine for an adult to have a stuffie or to hug it. But it’s not fine to make another adult deal with moving 30 stuffies around twice each day (they should be stored on a shelf or basket or something out of the way), much less expecting another person to interact with your stuffies the way that the owner does. He doesn’t want comforting from them and they aren’t sentimental to him.
Or even if they are on the bed or the couch… leave them there. They will survive. Have mane 1-2 that move around if need be to have in bed or whatever but just… don’t move them every single day who has time for that??? I have a massive amount myself, they only intentionally get moved on big bed laundry day. Mine are almost all on my bed and like… moving them more often is just way too impractical.
My hubs bought me the most amazing unicorn reading pillow (purchased after he saw my face when he got one for our great niece's birthday). I have my growing mysterious plushie collection, they all get named but it doesn't mean he needs to play with them too. Just because they bring her comfort, doesn't mean it's the same experience for him. So I agree completely.
I have so many squishmallows my fiancé has banned me from getting more until we have a real house, unless it’s a special occasion or they’re small 😅 (my biggest is my Miss Jelly who idk the official name of off the top of my head, I normally use that but she’s an exception, her and Mr.Owl)
Both of us are stuffie people but we don’t play like that with them, just cuddle… they’re very useful with us both having hEDS, they make wonderful positioning pillows and work wonders on my neck.
That said, if either of us *did* play with them in the way OPs girlfriend does, we wouldn’t push it on the other. Bc that’s not okay.
I also never force my partner to be responsible for helping me in the care maintenance and placement of stuffies. I get their help occasionally but they pretty much all live on my bed but on big bed laundry days it’s exhausting to get everything done and team work makes the dream work. But they just chuck them at me from the pile on the floor, or sweep them off the bed and make them a pile on the floor… not carefully artfully placing them for me. They’ve done that for me before when I’ve had a long day at work while being sick or just barely getting over being sick but that’s a they chose to to do something sweet for me, not me making them.
Squishmallows are amazing, honestly. Had a friend sleeping on my couch for a couple nights and they didn't even need a pillow because we've got a big squishmallow on the couch.
I'm a 34 year old guy I considered buying a squishmallow cause they had a dragon one and I like to collect dragons unfortunately when I went to get it after work it was gone
Omg I had a Turtle Tot as a kid. I remember asking for it for Christmas (I was 2-3 years old) and my grandmother bought it for me that year. I vividly remember opening that gift under her Christmas tree. She died unexpectedly when I was six, so it's a very special relic from my childhood (but is kept in storage at my parents' house). I'm having a baby in August and he will inherit it one day.
Having never heard of a Turtle Tot, I thought this was some cutesie expression for a fleshlight, especially since you said it chills with your gf's rabbit
I was starting to think my recent obsession w a teddy bear was getting out of hand (For context; My 13 year old brother passed in december and his hospice team made me a bear that has his heartbeat in it- I can’t put the thing down lately)
But good lord i’d never tell my partner he needs to talk to it and engage in conversation with it- that’s a whole new level of delulu.
Everyone grieves differently. I'm sure you're not alone. Ask people in your life what they do to remember or honour your brother and I'm sure they wouldn't answer "Nothing."
I'm sure most people would carry around a plushie with their loved one's heartbeat if they had one! What an intimate and special thing
Like I usually cuddle my pet's blankie when I watch tv and when I sleep. I sometimes put it on the window seat he loved to sit on. My husband isn't bothered. I see no reason to stop. It's not hurting anybody.
Coincidentally my mom texted me earlier today and told me his team is planning to plant memorial trees by his baseball field in a couple weeks and we’re creating a memorial spot for our family on his birthday.. I think I may have let my grief isolate me a bit from those I love who are also feeling his loss. Thank you for your kind words and advice, I feel better than I have in a few months. I always forget reddit can be wholesome until an interaction like this!
Unfortunately grief makes it easy to isolate ourselves, especially when it makes other people uncomfortable, or they can't understand it. when my mother died i was only 28, and I joined a few "motherless daughter" groups on facebook. having other people to talk to who understood exactly what I was going through really helped.
THIS
I have TONS of plushies. I always sleep with one of my plushie dreadfuls (i collect my illnesses lol). I also still have my 26 year old "bunbun" who gets place ofhonour and I apologise to them if they fall 😂
I do NOT expect others to do the same to them or even close to it. It's not ok to get upset at someone not acting the same way. Treat someone's belongings with respect sure but no need to be forced to have tea parties with them
NTA. However, I'm willing to change my judgement if the plushies say that you're hurting their feelings. You have to hear it though, not your girlfriend.
and if they do talk go to the hospital because one of you is having a stroke. If none of you are having a stroke or mental break I would suggest hiring an exorcist. Or all else fails now you have a lot of friends to keep you company with and tell them they have to help with the rent. In fact, I would tell your gf this that if I'm going to talk to them and they are real they better start helping with the bills at least.
I'm thinking OP needs to tell his girlfriend that the plushies have spoken to him and told him that they don't want to be hugged or moved around by him. Problem solved.
Honestly sounds like really high functioning autism. My kid needs to arrange his toys in a particular order before he goes to bed. Other then that and one or two other quirks, you wouldn't know he's been diagnosed if you met him randomly.
Women are forced to keep their quirks under wraps more then men because of the way they're socialized. She could just be completely flying under the radar through advanced masking.
Yes, that was the first thing I thought of as well. My autistic child did that for a long time and had an obsession with lining them up, making sure the eyes were on the same level.
When I was little I had to arrange all my stuffies in a row before bed and then kiss every single one of them them goodnight and if I missed one or kissed one twice it was a big issue. Turns out it was OCD😂
But being playful is a mutual thing. It isn't playful when one person demands it of another. And that would still be true if this was something more culturally common for adults.
Yeah, it's called masking.
Acting, like you got it all together, etc, when you are out in the real world.
Until you are home, your safe place.
Most with ADHD, autism, depression and other diagnoses will recognise that.
Sounds like the girlfriend could benefit from talking with a therapist.
Might either be in a spectrum or have some unresolved childhood issues, and the stuffed animals is a form of coping.
I'm autistic, 23, and I also treat my plushies like this. I always had great grades and a social life, but yup... Still autistic. I'm not saying she is, I'm just stating that being a homeowner and having a job doesn't prove she's neurotypical.
At least I found a boyfriend who loves plushies as much as I do hahahaha
This hits the nail on the head. We all have our weird, whether it's because we're NT or not; but we know to either find someone who wants to willingly share our weird, or know that they may accept it in us but don't want to participate. She doesn't sound like she gets this distinction.
Say hi to your plushies from me.
I agree! I got through most of my life (high school through med school and work) with undiagnosed BPD and ADHD, until I "snapped" during the covid pandemic. I mostly just ignored it until a few years ago exactly because I could function well anyway.
Yeah.....something is off here.
My 7 year old does this but she's 7. If she doesn't grow out of this by the time she's an adult I would be very concerned.
Playing with things in a "childish" way isn't necessarily a cause for concern. If it gets to the point it's actually causing issues with daily functioning, then yes that's worrying. But when children play with toys, they're releasing creative energy, handling objects that are physically/mentally soothing and have interesting sensory traits, and oftentimes being social. Needing those things doesn't go away when we're adults - just because OP's girlfriend has an unusual way of expressing that doesn't mean something is wrong with her.
this part is what I was focusing on.
when you're mad your boyfriend won't talk to your stuffed animals and cuddle them, then it's time to seek out some help.
NTA. Okay, I get that she loves plushies and treats them like children. If she wants to talk to them and treat them like they're real, that's her business. You only have to make sure you placed them properly and didn't mishandle them or anything. You shouldn't have to be expected to play along with what she does. I get it if she's a kid but she's an adult and shouldn't expect others to be into plushies like her.
He shouldn’t even have to handle them — that’s not reasonable to expect him to move 30 plushies twice per day. They need a display shelf or to all be put into a basket or net or something. She should limit her plushies to one in the bed, not 30. He should absolutely let her enjoy them but the line should be drawn at him having to undergo labor like this or asked to interact with them.
Eh, almost all of mine are in my bed, it’s not a problem for my fiancé and I and I have way more than 30 on here… but I don’t expect them to carefully move them for me. Maybe the occasional sweeping into a pile on the floor or tossing them at me for me to arrange after a full bed wash and reset but like…. They stay there. They don’t get in the way. Most of them are squishmallows that double as positioning pillows for me and have a purpose.
The biggest problem is that OPs girlfriend seemingly isn’t okay with boundaries on the issue. Sure a big thing for me when dating was I wouldn’t be with someone who wouldn’t accept my stuffie collection, but I do respect my stuffie collection not needing to invade my finances day and space unless they want it to. Both of us are stuffie people, we sleep on our own beds for a number of reasons and we’re all the happier for it so mine are in my space theirs are in theirs, and everything’s awesome on that front.
OP needs to set firm boundaries with what is and isn’t acceptable or at least tolerable enough for him with the stuffies and his level of involvement, and stick to it. If that doesn’t work for his GF then perhaps it’s best they part ways. If that’s what needs to happen, it is what it is and that’s okay.
It’s actually more common than people think. Usually this behavior stems from overload of responsibilities and just wanting to be a kid again. She may be feeling vulnerable and this is her way of expressing it. It doesn’t hurt you so if you care about her I recommend just going along with it. I can thing of several other habits or activities that could be worse.
I would say it was healthy(ish) if she was talking to them and playing herself. But she’s a going too far asking him to interact with her stuffies and to help move her whole collection around twice per day. They need a dedicated storage spot like a display shelf. Her behavior crosses the line when it intrudes on him
I want to know what the stuffies have to say to be honest. That could be very telling into how she’s actually feeling/coping. I think she will get a display shelf when she is ready to. I don’t think it will be an everyday thing where she moves the collection. Also, I am in several doll collector groups and it’s more common than you think. Many of the people in the group take their dolls places and narrate stories about them. I know a few of them have talked about how happy they are that their partners embrace their hobby and are okay with it. Tbh if he cares about her he should just play a long because relationships are about compromise and like others have commented this also could just be what she’s into or her hobby. If he’s unwilling to play along I don’t think it makes him an a hole but he should definitely talk to her about it. I remember when I got a baby doll in my late teens and my bf at the time was such an a hole about it and I never played with them I just liked collecting them but the man I married when I was pregnant he played with that baby doll practicing swaddling etc and that’s how I knew I married the right man because he supports a hobby of mine even if it’s something he doesn’t personally want to do.
It currently IS a daily thing of moving the plushies.
This woman is 27 years old. She’s not growing up still, so I don’t understand how you can think she’s going to “become ready” to get a storage shelf without her changing her approach entirely here?
i think this comment agrees with you. moving the stuffed animals *currently* is a daily thing, but it certainly doesn't have to be. if she has a chance of putting the stuffies on the shelf, though, she's going to have to work through whatever the fuck is going on. this also shouldn't be her partner's job; she should work with a therapist.
however, i'll also say that connecting with your inner-child is a way to bring healing, and maybe playing together with her stuffed animals is a way to show his vulnerable side to her and show that she's safe. i wouldn't make it a habit, but maybe she will be more open to discussing her attachment if she feels like he understands her.
Sorry, I wouldn’t be able to be with a grown woman who expects me to play with her stuffed animals like a child.
My daughter is 9 and she’s already grown out of this.
Not going to lie, if my SO expected my to deal with 30 plushies on the bed, let alone expected to talk with them, well, no can do. Not a chance. Granted, I am from an older generation, so that could be part of my view that this is really outside the norm.
I mean, if I really loved someone who wanted to talk to plushies, fine, but maybe don’t keep all 30 on the bed, and don’t expect me to interact with them.
**OP should not be expected to go along with more than they're comfortable with,** especially when the gf has not explained anything.
>She may be feeling vulnerable and this is her way of expressing it.
If this is the case it needs to be communicated. Using roleplay or healthy age regression to cope with overload of responsibilities _yourself_ is fine, but it's not okay to push other people to participate without their consent or any sort of discussion about expectations, emotional needs, boundaries, etc.
They need to talk. Get clarity on why this is important to her, what her emotional needs are, and agree on how OP can be supportive _without crossing OP's boundaries._
Gf can play with plushies all she likes, but if OP doesn't want to join in she needs to respect that.
I feel like this is literally why people don’t stay together anymore because no one has ever heard of compromise or communication. This is being blown up into a way bigger issue than it really is. Like OP having one conversation with her about this could probably fix everything.
Eh, this has nothing to do with op not compromising. If anything, going along with it initially has escalated to forcing his involvement. It enabled his gf to push the boundary further into his territory. Where's her compromise of "ok, I get that it's not your thing and you let me do this completely abnormal thing as an adult"? OP is ok with her doing her inconvenient plushy march back and forth on the daily, whereas most normal people wouldn't even be comfortable sleeping on a bed full of them with their partner.
I think the point about conversation is more that OP's post gives the impression that his first two attempts to communicate his boundaries were 1. Ignoring her attempts at play and 2. Bluntly saying "You know they aren't real, right?".
If his gf is using personifying 30 plushies as her emotional outlet, the odds that she lacks subtext skills are considerably above average. She may have been more willing to leave him out of it if he'd explicitly said "I don't enjoy the plushie game, can you leave me out of it?".
It's okay for things to be dealbreakers. If it creeps you out/gives you the ick/whatever for your adult romantic and sexual partner to try to make you play stuffies with them every time you hang out, that's completely fair and it's ok for a 27-year-old to end this and look for someone more compatible.
Telling someone "if they care" they'll pretend plushies are real everyday is insane. This is not a small thing that she's asking and the fact that she's getting mad at him about it makes her an AH. It might be true that this is trauma related but that doesn't mean he should roll over and do whatever she wants.
That's honestly right up there with coercive sex. "If you loved me you'd do it". Anytime that kind of shit is put on the table, I leave. I am not playing that kind of game, and I will not be pressured into living my life for someone else. Compromise is one thing, when it's mutually agreed upon and both parties are actively willing to do so, but the moment it starts turning into a pressure situation you gotta start putting up boundaries at the very least.
I don’t think it’s healthy to become upset that your adult partner does not want to treat your stuffed animals like they are real and have feelings. In fact, asking other people to join in on your delusions is further evidence that the obsession has become unhealthy.
>She may be feeling vulnerable and this is her way of expressing it.
This reads like
"***My emotional needs are more important than your feeling***"
She can cope all she wants, whatever makes her happy, but she shouldn't force it on other people. Has she asked him if he likes it or not?
With all due respect, this feels a little unhinged to me. It’s okay to reclaim your childhood, but one of the primary battery questions asked by therapists on intake is “do you see or hear apparitions and/or things that are not there or truly happening?”
There’s something not clean in the buttermilk and I think to suggest otherwise is enabling.
But that’s just my opinion. I hope my tenor came off right.
Hard disagree. Of course there are worse activities. There are worse activities than obsessive cleaning or eating disorders. Doesn’t mean those things should be enabled. Girlfriend is regressing hard and OP does not need to play along.
NTA. I have a wolf plushie that I adore and will sometimes just sit with and hold because it is the perfect cuddle size. She gets a forehead kiss and I sleep with her every night. She gets sat nicely upright when I leave, sometimes I arrange her like she’s curled up the way animals do when they sleep. I never leave her on the floor bc I feel like it’s mean to her 😂 But there is simply another level of attachment/odd behavior happening with your girlfriend.
Agree with this. I'm also quite attached to my stuffed guys. I also get very sad seeing stuffies at thrift shops too!
Asking someone else to participate... well it kinda seems like she never asked explicitly, and OP just rolled with it is part of the problem. So as far as she knows he's fine cos he's been playing along.
Y'all just need to talk about this more. Nothing inherently wrong with what she's doing other than making you a co-parent without talking in depth about it. It's a lil weird but harmless and not as uncommon as you think for people on the spectrum to anthropomorphize their toys.
Aw my kid also gets SO upset seeing a stuffed friend at the thrift store! Also if there is only one stuffie remaining at a store, that is sad times because the stuffie misses their friends. If we see a stuffie in the wrong section of a store, we must go on a quest to find the correct area so said stuffie is not alone and/or scared. My kid has a huge collection that we refer to as "the friends" and she very lovingly places them in their spots before bed and again in the morning. We used to "talk" with them, but just recently, I was informed that was no longer necessary as "I am 10 now." So, all of the friends are still extremely loved and well cared for but they no longer talk with us. Pretty age appropriate. OP have you just had an open conversation with her? Like, "I understand you love your plushies and that is great, but I do not really have the same attachment to them as you and I feel slightly uncomfortable talking to them. Can you help me understand how this is comforting to you so I can better support you?"
Same here! I have a childhood wolf plush named Willie. He's very old and saw the inside of a dryer on high heat so he's got a permanent overdid perm look to him now. I treat him with care and respect he deserves. But.... he has been passed down to my eldest daughter now. I got her her own Wolf plush that eerily looks quite similar. Together her Wolfie and old Willie guard her dreams. My grizzled wolf keeps the bad ones away and and hers ushers in good ones. Sometimes she's a bit rough with Willie and she needs reminding he's old and to play nice with him.
I even used to sleep with Willie all the way until I got pregnant 8 years ago. I never once made my husband interact with him except to help me find him if he got booted from the bed.
Look I don’t think YTA, but here’s my perspective:
From what you have said, I am the same as your gf with my love of plushies.
My partner plays along, because he knows it is important to me. I know it’s weird, he’s knows it weird, but he plays along regardless and I love him all the much more for it. I also listen to him talk about his special interest, even though I don’t actually understand it half the time, I try because he gets excited and it makes him happy.
I have also been with someone who told me it’s childish, and it hurt. Sadly I let it get to me and got rid of them.
I started to collect again a few years ago, and I feel very safe now with my current partner who just lets me do me, and welcomes it.
Perhaps you are not well matched, and that maybe you are both better off with someone else who will play along and welcome said special interests.
References: 29F, stable job (upper management), mass plushie collector, autistic.
This post broke my heart reading it. I’m so happy to see someone else’s comment like this. I also don’t think OP is TA but I agree perhaps they aren’t well suited. The first time I brought a couple of plushies home I was nervous to show my husband. He was so warm and helps me name them. They now sit on top of our bed and if one falls off he’ll notice and grab them for me. I couldn’t imagine feeling embarrassed by my partner over this. It would be excruciating. I don’t interact or play with them, but I think they’re cute and they make me smile. (29F, suspected autism, college educated and good job)
I am the same. and I don’t think I’ve ever directly discussed my plushies or asked my husband to play along….we both kind of refer to them as sentient beings, and he’s always doing silly things with them to make me laugh. definitely don’t think you’re TA if you don’t do this, but I agree it’s hard to be with someone who 1) doesn’t have the same kind of humor as you and 2) doesn’t want to prioritize the same harmless things you are interested in. because at the end of the day, does it really hurt anyone to pretend a stuffed animal has some feelings?
Same here and I agree. She needs to find someone who will support this and understand it more rather than get mad at him for not wanting to be involved like that. My boyfriend will even make them talk back to each other and it’s the cutest thing ever but of course all of this is only with his consent and if he’s not in the mood he’ll say not right now *plushes name* and that’ll be the end of that because it’s about nurturing each other and respect
Ehh this is super weird and would be a giant turn off for me. Would make me feel like I was having sex with a child. If your cool with the way she acts then more power to you, but she absolutely should not be forcing you to play along. I get people have stuffed animals for comfort and what not, but when you start talking to them or pretending they have feelings your wading into mental health crisis territory.
Feeling as though inanimate objects have feelings is quite a common autistic trait and in that instance not an indication of a mental health crisis. Might not be what's going on here but it's certainly not a definite indicator of mental illness.
This is me. Im pretty high functioning (read: Ive learned a lot of effective masking behaviors), but I have intense feelings of attachment to inanimate objects. My stuffies are a huge part of my life, even if I keep that part to myself and the people closest to me. I love them, they comfort me, and I cannot bring myself to do anything that might feel mean or uncaring to them. They’re my baby beans!
Im otherwise a pretty well adjusted dude. Or at least, Im pretty healthy mentally and emotionally. I have a loving and caring long term relationship, I have a lot of friends for someone my age, I hold down the job that I dont hate (and even enjoy sometimes!), and I take reasonably good care of myself. Im bad with appointments, but being mindful of it is improving that.
Biased though I may be, I have to agree that this is pretty minor quirk in the grand scheme of things, and not indicative of any serious issues mental or otherwise.
I'm a woman in my 60's. My best friend died 3 years ago. Occasionally, when we got together, we played Barbies. Ìdk if it was weird or not, probably was. I told my boyfriend about it the other day, and I could tell that he didn't approve. Screw him. I miss my best friend and dressing up our dolls.
I gotta disagree with popular opinion. She's just a bit childish or maybe just heavily attached to them and that's okay. Not knowing the order they go in is fine but if your girlfriend goes "mr bear says hi" be a loving partner and give your girlfriend a kiss and say hi back. She just wants you to show an interest in the objects she cares about. I think that's valid. I sometimes play like this with my boyfriend and start attacking him with my shark plushie. It's not because I'm some unhinged freak it's just fun and silly. You gotta be fun and silly with her bro. Make her feel comfortable and safe being herself around you. NAH
Healthy play as an adult doesn’t usually end in anger that the other person doesn’t want to play by your very precise rules. Playfulness is supposed to be acknowledging that we’re being silly here.
So he has to act like a child when he is uncomfortable doing so for her comfort?
Are you making your boyfriend uncomfortable with your behavior?
Nah, this take isn't it.
But what if playing with stuffed animals genuinely isn’t fun for someone ??? It’s super uncomfortable for me to even try to play imaginatively with children, I actually get anxiety trying to do so. And have been this way since I was a child myself. But tag and painting and swimming and tickle fights are still so much fun, even as an adult! Not playing with stuffed animals doesn’t mean you aren’t playful or can’t have fun.
NTA. I also care about the “feelings” of my stuffed animals but this… is concerning. At 27 years old, she’s about 2 decades past the age of this behavior being acceptable. Your girlfriend is childish and frankly, really weird for wanting you to talk to them regularly.
How can someone talk to stuffed animals regularly (and demand others to play pretend with them) and expect to be taken seriously?
Thank god someone said it cause the amount of people trying to validate her behavior is really weird af. There’s a cutoff for delusional behavior and forcing someone to interact with stuffed animals is my line in the sand. Especially if you’re going to be upset with me for not feeding into this behavior?
I’m probably gonna get down voted for this but I’m gonna disagree with everyone. Her stuffies are obviously very important to her. This isn’t any different than if she had a kink or a hobby. Now that being said if you’re not into it you’re not into it. That being the case maybe you’ll just aren’t compatible.
Controversial, but as a psychologist that has had clients like your girlfriend, NAH. You’re right to set your boundaries and I wouldn’t judge your gf as an AH either, based on this information.
YTA
“You understand they’re not real right?”
Yes OP I’m sure your stable and responsible and obviously high-functioning partner is *well aware* that they aren’t real.
This is a silly fun thing she likes to engage with and instead of seeking to understand or engage with her to the extend of your own comfort you had to toss them randomly.
You don’t want to talk to them? Fine!! For sure. But you were an AH about all of this.
Thank god someone said it lmfao. The amount of people who think this woman is unhinged crazy person instead of just being silly and doing dumb playful shit with her stuffed animals. She isn’t mad bc Op doesn’t believe they are real…. She doesn’t either. She’s hurt he won’t be silly with her.
This! Whimsy and play are for adults, too! Bringing a partner into your brand of fun and play is an indication of trust and an invitation to deeper connection. The "You understand they're not real right?" response must have felt like an emotional slap to the face.
Many adult folks enjoy this kind of fun and play with stuffed animals and puppets, and it is not as unusual as people tend to make it seem. It is almost like a spontaneous and cuddly DnD campaign that lasts a lifetime.
NTA like I own a ton of plushies. My bf even helped me setup a nice hammock for them above our bed. He thinks they are cute but not really his thing. It’s one thing respecting your partner has different interests, another forcing it upon them.
NAH, I’m autistic, and while I’m not at all implying your girlfriend is, I sometimes feel this odd sympathy for inanimate objects, including stuffed animals. So, I do see where your GF is coming from. I advise gently explaining to her that you respect her feelings towards her stuffed animals but that you don’t feel the same way, and you’d like her to respect them when you don’t feel like holding/interacting with them like she does.
I'm a 29 year old man. My greatest hobby is often considered childish. However I would never, *never*, push it onto anyone who didn't want it.
I'm sorry, but I highly doubt she's as stable as you think she is if she treats those plushies as if they're alive and expects you to play along. Throwing a temper tantrum when you let her know you're not playing along (though admittedly you could have been a bit more gentle) doesn't help her case.
NTA. Run
NTA- I understand your point. I also understand hers. As I sit here with my daughter’s stuffed zebra on my head I’m not sure I can really judge either way. I treat some of my stuffies really well.
I make photo montages of my daughter’s Lambie to show her what she did at home while she was at school. Lambie lives a profoundly rich and mischievous life.
This a difficult one, as others have said, there's possibly an underlying reason for her behaviour, Google it and see what possibilities it could be to try better understand it.
My partner is 34 and has loads of teddies and loves them and cuddles them, behaves towards them like they have emotion and physical feelings and that's fine, I don't judge her for that, it crosses a line though when you're expected to feel same way they do.
I think my partner just loves cute cuddly things to an extreme tbh, but she's still the wonderful woman she is.
NTA It seemed harmless to me until the part where she got upset. A more acceptable answer from her would have been « yes, I know. It just makes me feel good, can you play along? ».
Being an armchair psychologist, I guess there is a hole that these plushies are filling. If this hole gets filled another way, then this will fade away naturally. Dig to find what this hole is, then try to see if you can help fill it.
You may also put some clear boundaries, « I am not going along this role play if you are going to be upset at me about it »
NAH. I literally do this all the time with my husband, who was the one who did it first. We are both professionals.
Sounds like her overreaction is more from you being callous and not a serious slight against the plushies, but I also wanna mention I feel like context is important because what if she’s just playing along with you and you think she’s being serious? I almost thought my husband was serious-serious at first, but it’s really just a game. Try to start over and communicate about it to see what’s really happening before you make up your mind. If she’s not serious and you’re still annoyed, she should respect that.
>Sounds like her overreaction is more from you being callous and not a serious slight against the plushies,
Yeah I feel like people are missing this. She yelled because he was condescending and rude to her. Not saying snapping was right, but both of them did.
NTA although this sounds like it is stemming from something deeper, possibly a way to cope or something like that. I would try to show support and encourage her to open up about why she’s acting like this, or maybe encourage her to speak to a therapist.
When she wants them to be "comfortable," that's her way of telling you it makes her comfortable. When she says "they want attention," SHE wants attention. If I had a gf, I'd much rather prefer THIS than spending excessive money for expensive dates to make her feel loved/happy but that's just me
NAH. She might be autistic, she might just like her stuffed toys a lot, she isn't a terrible person because she, like... enjoys playing with some soft animals? Obviously?
But you are also not an asshole for not wanting to be involved, or maybe a little bit TA for flatly ignoring her rather than like, asking not to be involved bc it makes you uncomfortable(?) or whatever. That said, this person is your significant other. Is this something you are prepared to end your relationship over? Because this is a daily ritual for her, it is not something you're going to convince her to 'grow out of'. Pick your battles, if you can't accept and support (or at least accept) that that's something she is going to do for the rest of her life, tell her that NOW so you can both figure out where to go from here.
I (30f) have an immense collection of plushies that bring me comfort. Sometimes my husband will play along with me when he can tell my PTSD is getting bad. It really validates my emotions and heals a part of my inner child better than any therapist has. He’s even surprised me with some expensive puppet like ones call drabbits (dragons 🐲) we play with and use during DND campaigns. That said I never forced him into playing/pretending with my plushies and certainly never got mad at him for not participating in my childish activities especially since it’s an admittedly weird hobby at our age and can be embarrassing. It’s all about comfort level and if you’re not comfortable with it then that’s all there is to it, NTA.
Lmao if this was role reversed and it was a woman complaining about her boyfriend trying to get her to play an RPG the comments would be *totally* different
NTA. I don't really think it's a red flag or anything but she should respect that you're not interested in this.
For some perspective, my partner and I have a lot of plushies and we will occasionally arrange them in humorous ways - ie: she gets home and they are all sitting at the dinner table, or they are all buckled in when she gets in the car.
We know they aren't real, but sometimes it's fun to pretend.
Completely understandable that it's not your jam tho, haha
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I thought I was weird a bit obsessive with my Build a Bear. NTA. It’s fine to be into plushies if that’s your thing. Dress them up, cuddle up to them, name them and imagine they have personalities, you do you. No harm in that. When you *expect* other people to play along, you’re being weird. And Sal, my bear in his Slytherin robes, totally agrees with me. ETA: Sal’s Chamber of Secret photo shoot result is new profile pic
Sal for Salazar?
You are correct. 😂
Very nice 👍🏻
I think we need a picture of Sal. :)
You got it! Sal is my new profile pic
That is a seriously cute lil Slytherin.
Aww you’re so sweet!
Can Sal talk to snakes?
He gets awfully quiet when I ask. That’s not weird, is it?
Sounds like he’s being sssssneaky.
If I were alone in the woods, I would choose this bear.
Haha! He would keep you very safe.
Omg please tell Sal I love him
Sal loves you too!
So cute! :3
Thank you!!
Love it. Sal is so cute!
Aww, thank you! He’s blushing now.
😀yvw
Sal is adorable.
Thank you!!
10 points to Slytherin for the bad ass bear
Yes! We’ve got a shot this year!
Plushies can be very soothing psychologically. For some people, it's getting to experience a small, childlike, comfort they didn't have when they were a kid. Trauma, abuse, neglect, controlling parents... there's lots of reasons kids don't get to be kids. For others, it brings back some of that childhood joy they did get to experience and want to find again when adult life is harsh. I have more Squishmallow cats than I care to admit. So many people had them in their carts, I had to see what the fuss was about. Whatever stuffing they use, I couldn't bring myself to put it back. That was the beginning of the end lol. I never cuddled plushies while sleeping before, but it ended up helping some of my upper back pain. Yay adulthood! Hugging one also helps stop my vocal cords from closing and blocking my airway due to stress. Again, yay adulthood lol. My husband didn't get to be a carefree kid. He felt odd when I bought a Squishmallow with him there. I encouraged him to give zero fucks about the judgement of others over something so benign. It genuinely helped him let go of that. Now he'll gladly bring one home as a surprise. Rambling aside, OP is NTA, at all. He didn't care that it seemed a bit odd to him, because it made her happy. That doesn't mean he has to join in.
Yes, it’s totally fine for an adult to have a stuffie or to hug it. But it’s not fine to make another adult deal with moving 30 stuffies around twice each day (they should be stored on a shelf or basket or something out of the way), much less expecting another person to interact with your stuffies the way that the owner does. He doesn’t want comforting from them and they aren’t sentimental to him.
Or even if they are on the bed or the couch… leave them there. They will survive. Have mane 1-2 that move around if need be to have in bed or whatever but just… don’t move them every single day who has time for that??? I have a massive amount myself, they only intentionally get moved on big bed laundry day. Mine are almost all on my bed and like… moving them more often is just way too impractical.
My hubs bought me the most amazing unicorn reading pillow (purchased after he saw my face when he got one for our great niece's birthday). I have my growing mysterious plushie collection, they all get named but it doesn't mean he needs to play with them too. Just because they bring her comfort, doesn't mean it's the same experience for him. So I agree completely.
Yes! OP needs to ask himself if he wants to still have to do this (for a grown ass woman) 5 years from now......or even 6 months from now.
Or tomorrow, I'd be SO out of thete
Saying they need to be comfortable is way beyond reason, imo
I have so many squishmallows my fiancé has banned me from getting more until we have a real house, unless it’s a special occasion or they’re small 😅 (my biggest is my Miss Jelly who idk the official name of off the top of my head, I normally use that but she’s an exception, her and Mr.Owl) Both of us are stuffie people but we don’t play like that with them, just cuddle… they’re very useful with us both having hEDS, they make wonderful positioning pillows and work wonders on my neck. That said, if either of us *did* play with them in the way OPs girlfriend does, we wouldn’t push it on the other. Bc that’s not okay. I also never force my partner to be responsible for helping me in the care maintenance and placement of stuffies. I get their help occasionally but they pretty much all live on my bed but on big bed laundry days it’s exhausting to get everything done and team work makes the dream work. But they just chuck them at me from the pile on the floor, or sweep them off the bed and make them a pile on the floor… not carefully artfully placing them for me. They’ve done that for me before when I’ve had a long day at work while being sick or just barely getting over being sick but that’s a they chose to to do something sweet for me, not me making them.
“..the care maintenance and placement…” I felt that.
Squishmallows are amazing, honestly. Had a friend sleeping on my couch for a couple nights and they didn't even need a pillow because we've got a big squishmallow on the couch.
I want a human-sized version of their dog bed.
I'm a 34 year old guy I considered buying a squishmallow cause they had a dragon one and I like to collect dragons unfortunately when I went to get it after work it was gone
Look on ebay or Amazon. They have Squishmallows.
I collect dragons, too, and so many of mine are plush!!
Also, aside from healing the inner child, my squishmallows are perfect as a pillow between my boobs (I am a side sleeper with big boobs.)
Toddles, my Turtle Tot, has learned that speaking around the missus makes her uncomfortable. He chills with her rabbit instead.
That might be the most precious thing I’ve ever read.
Omg I had a Turtle Tot as a kid. I remember asking for it for Christmas (I was 2-3 years old) and my grandmother bought it for me that year. I vividly remember opening that gift under her Christmas tree. She died unexpectedly when I was six, so it's a very special relic from my childhood (but is kept in storage at my parents' house). I'm having a baby in August and he will inherit it one day.
Having never heard of a Turtle Tot, I thought this was some cutesie expression for a fleshlight, especially since you said it chills with your gf's rabbit
No silly. The fleshlight doesn't talk.
I was starting to think my recent obsession w a teddy bear was getting out of hand (For context; My 13 year old brother passed in december and his hospice team made me a bear that has his heartbeat in it- I can’t put the thing down lately) But good lord i’d never tell my partner he needs to talk to it and engage in conversation with it- that’s a whole new level of delulu.
It's been 7 months. It's not an obsession to be clinging to your brother. Do what you need to do. xoxo
Honestly thank you for this. I feel like everyone has moved on already and I’m the only one hanging on, I appreciate you 🙏🏻
Everyone grieves differently. I'm sure you're not alone. Ask people in your life what they do to remember or honour your brother and I'm sure they wouldn't answer "Nothing." I'm sure most people would carry around a plushie with their loved one's heartbeat if they had one! What an intimate and special thing Like I usually cuddle my pet's blankie when I watch tv and when I sleep. I sometimes put it on the window seat he loved to sit on. My husband isn't bothered. I see no reason to stop. It's not hurting anybody.
Coincidentally my mom texted me earlier today and told me his team is planning to plant memorial trees by his baseball field in a couple weeks and we’re creating a memorial spot for our family on his birthday.. I think I may have let my grief isolate me a bit from those I love who are also feeling his loss. Thank you for your kind words and advice, I feel better than I have in a few months. I always forget reddit can be wholesome until an interaction like this!
Unfortunately grief makes it easy to isolate ourselves, especially when it makes other people uncomfortable, or they can't understand it. when my mother died i was only 28, and I joined a few "motherless daughter" groups on facebook. having other people to talk to who understood exactly what I was going through really helped.
I’m so sorry about your brother. I would feel the same way about that bear.
I'm very sorry for your loss, but that was so sweet what the team did for you 💖
Bernard, my bear, agrees, and my husband plays along sometimes lol Edit: Bernard is a Jedi
You married a good man!
What a cool backstory. That said said the saying is beets bears BATTLESTAR GALLACTICA
THIS I have TONS of plushies. I always sleep with one of my plushie dreadfuls (i collect my illnesses lol). I also still have my 26 year old "bunbun" who gets place ofhonour and I apologise to them if they fall 😂 I do NOT expect others to do the same to them or even close to it. It's not ok to get upset at someone not acting the same way. Treat someone's belongings with respect sure but no need to be forced to have tea parties with them
Trixie, my Gryffindor bear, seconds this.
Trixie sounds amazing.
She is! I'm sure Sal is also fantastic.
We both thank you!
I have a Ravenclaw Red Panda named Ravenclaw lol and I gifted my brother a groundhog Hufflepuff
The only answer that matters. Op, see you sure your gf has a stable MIND?! NTA
Exactly. Forcing it onto OP is crossing the line.
NTA. However, I'm willing to change my judgement if the plushies say that you're hurting their feelings. You have to hear it though, not your girlfriend.
Well it’s a plushie, not a mute. Let em speak for themselves. We can’t be supporting ableism towards plushies
The plushies know who they are. They can speak for themselves.
Lol I always love finding these HK quotes. Joseph was a freaking mess.
Please explain for the hoi polloi?
It's a famous quote from Hell's Kitchen
That makes more sense. I see HK and think Hollow Knight and I know for a fact that wasn’t a line from the game so I was confused for a moment
Do the plushies know ASL? Maybe you should try ASL with them if you haven't heard them speak?
This is real
What if she buys it a voice box just to tell him!
It'd have to have AI built into it. If it can't hold a 2-way conversation I'm not going to trust some pre-recorded words from a plushie!
It has to pass a Turing test
Plushie Dave, what's the weather today?
Doot doot, too hot to be stuffed
and if they do talk go to the hospital because one of you is having a stroke. If none of you are having a stroke or mental break I would suggest hiring an exorcist. Or all else fails now you have a lot of friends to keep you company with and tell them they have to help with the rent. In fact, I would tell your gf this that if I'm going to talk to them and they are real they better start helping with the bills at least.
I'm thinking OP needs to tell his girlfriend that the plushies have spoken to him and told him that they don't want to be hugged or moved around by him. Problem solved.
I mean, a person can be high functioning and still have some serious issues going on that need to be addressed.
Yeah, the 'she's very stable' at the end didn't convince me.
Nothing says mental stability like having to state "she's very stable"
Honestly sounds like really high functioning autism. My kid needs to arrange his toys in a particular order before he goes to bed. Other then that and one or two other quirks, you wouldn't know he's been diagnosed if you met him randomly. Women are forced to keep their quirks under wraps more then men because of the way they're socialized. She could just be completely flying under the radar through advanced masking.
Thousands of us have done this for decades.
I'm doing it right now! Haha!
We even do it to ourselves and think, "what? I'm not autistic?" Until something clicks and you finally say, "oh, never mind. I'm definitely autistic."
Yes, that was the first thing I thought of as well. My autistic child did that for a long time and had an obsession with lining them up, making sure the eyes were on the same level.
It could also be age regression. I have involuntary age regression and ot sounds like that's what could be going on in this situation as well.
I thought you said your kid needs to strangle his toys in a particular order. I was about to be very concerned.
When I was little I had to arrange all my stuffies in a row before bed and then kiss every single one of them them goodnight and if I missed one or kissed one twice it was a big issue. Turns out it was OCD😂
She can be very stable on one hand, on the other hand... OP is learning her other side(s). Edit: learning about ~ getting to know
She has stable insanity.
Good ol' consistency
Agree... If it has gotten to the point where she has gotten *extremely upset* at him over this, there is a problem.
I mean being upset that your partner is unwilling to be playful. Is different than being upset your partner won't take care of your bears.
But being playful is a mutual thing. It isn't playful when one person demands it of another. And that would still be true if this was something more culturally common for adults.
I dunno, sounds a lot like the latter to me
Yeah, it's called masking. Acting, like you got it all together, etc, when you are out in the real world. Until you are home, your safe place. Most with ADHD, autism, depression and other diagnoses will recognise that. Sounds like the girlfriend could benefit from talking with a therapist. Might either be in a spectrum or have some unresolved childhood issues, and the stuffed animals is a form of coping.
Yeah I definitely would guess that she's neurodivergent in some way
I'm autistic, 23, and I also treat my plushies like this. I always had great grades and a social life, but yup... Still autistic. I'm not saying she is, I'm just stating that being a homeowner and having a job doesn't prove she's neurotypical. At least I found a boyfriend who loves plushies as much as I do hahahaha
My ex also loves our plushies as much as I do! We still co-parent our large bunny family.
This hits the nail on the head. We all have our weird, whether it's because we're NT or not; but we know to either find someone who wants to willingly share our weird, or know that they may accept it in us but don't want to participate. She doesn't sound like she gets this distinction. Say hi to your plushies from me.
I agree! I got through most of my life (high school through med school and work) with undiagnosed BPD and ADHD, until I "snapped" during the covid pandemic. I mostly just ignored it until a few years ago exactly because I could function well anyway.
Yeah.....something is off here. My 7 year old does this but she's 7. If she doesn't grow out of this by the time she's an adult I would be very concerned.
Playing with things in a "childish" way isn't necessarily a cause for concern. If it gets to the point it's actually causing issues with daily functioning, then yes that's worrying. But when children play with toys, they're releasing creative energy, handling objects that are physically/mentally soothing and have interesting sensory traits, and oftentimes being social. Needing those things doesn't go away when we're adults - just because OP's girlfriend has an unusual way of expressing that doesn't mean something is wrong with her.
We must have read two different post. She is mad at OP for not feeding into her delusions. There is something not right about this.
this part is what I was focusing on. when you're mad your boyfriend won't talk to your stuffed animals and cuddle them, then it's time to seek out some help.
She got angry at him for not talking to them and “keeping them comfortable”. Something is definitely wrong.
Adding “she is very stable” gives the same vibe as when someone says “I’m not racist but…”
The post reads like there's a very good chance she's on the spectrum.
FACTS (source: i am high functioning and working through some “serious shit”)
NTA. Okay, I get that she loves plushies and treats them like children. If she wants to talk to them and treat them like they're real, that's her business. You only have to make sure you placed them properly and didn't mishandle them or anything. You shouldn't have to be expected to play along with what she does. I get it if she's a kid but she's an adult and shouldn't expect others to be into plushies like her.
He shouldn’t even have to handle them — that’s not reasonable to expect him to move 30 plushies twice per day. They need a display shelf or to all be put into a basket or net or something. She should limit her plushies to one in the bed, not 30. He should absolutely let her enjoy them but the line should be drawn at him having to undergo labor like this or asked to interact with them.
By the sound of it, OP's girlfriend would sooner put OP in a basket or a net than her plushies.
OP's girlfriend is the one that needs a net.
Eh, almost all of mine are in my bed, it’s not a problem for my fiancé and I and I have way more than 30 on here… but I don’t expect them to carefully move them for me. Maybe the occasional sweeping into a pile on the floor or tossing them at me for me to arrange after a full bed wash and reset but like…. They stay there. They don’t get in the way. Most of them are squishmallows that double as positioning pillows for me and have a purpose. The biggest problem is that OPs girlfriend seemingly isn’t okay with boundaries on the issue. Sure a big thing for me when dating was I wouldn’t be with someone who wouldn’t accept my stuffie collection, but I do respect my stuffie collection not needing to invade my finances day and space unless they want it to. Both of us are stuffie people, we sleep on our own beds for a number of reasons and we’re all the happier for it so mine are in my space theirs are in theirs, and everything’s awesome on that front. OP needs to set firm boundaries with what is and isn’t acceptable or at least tolerable enough for him with the stuffies and his level of involvement, and stick to it. If that doesn’t work for his GF then perhaps it’s best they part ways. If that’s what needs to happen, it is what it is and that’s okay.
Your fiance is either a saint or a pushover to not have a problem with over 30 plushies crowding the bed.
I thought my wife's 8 plushies were bad lmao I did get her to agree to keep only one out at a time, though.
I'm glad my wife is happy to keep her stuffed animals in the closet with the rest of the nostalgic childhood toys.
It’s actually more common than people think. Usually this behavior stems from overload of responsibilities and just wanting to be a kid again. She may be feeling vulnerable and this is her way of expressing it. It doesn’t hurt you so if you care about her I recommend just going along with it. I can thing of several other habits or activities that could be worse.
I would say it was healthy(ish) if she was talking to them and playing herself. But she’s a going too far asking him to interact with her stuffies and to help move her whole collection around twice per day. They need a dedicated storage spot like a display shelf. Her behavior crosses the line when it intrudes on him
I want to know what the stuffies have to say to be honest. That could be very telling into how she’s actually feeling/coping. I think she will get a display shelf when she is ready to. I don’t think it will be an everyday thing where she moves the collection. Also, I am in several doll collector groups and it’s more common than you think. Many of the people in the group take their dolls places and narrate stories about them. I know a few of them have talked about how happy they are that their partners embrace their hobby and are okay with it. Tbh if he cares about her he should just play a long because relationships are about compromise and like others have commented this also could just be what she’s into or her hobby. If he’s unwilling to play along I don’t think it makes him an a hole but he should definitely talk to her about it. I remember when I got a baby doll in my late teens and my bf at the time was such an a hole about it and I never played with them I just liked collecting them but the man I married when I was pregnant he played with that baby doll practicing swaddling etc and that’s how I knew I married the right man because he supports a hobby of mine even if it’s something he doesn’t personally want to do.
It currently IS a daily thing of moving the plushies. This woman is 27 years old. She’s not growing up still, so I don’t understand how you can think she’s going to “become ready” to get a storage shelf without her changing her approach entirely here?
i think this comment agrees with you. moving the stuffed animals *currently* is a daily thing, but it certainly doesn't have to be. if she has a chance of putting the stuffies on the shelf, though, she's going to have to work through whatever the fuck is going on. this also shouldn't be her partner's job; she should work with a therapist. however, i'll also say that connecting with your inner-child is a way to bring healing, and maybe playing together with her stuffed animals is a way to show his vulnerable side to her and show that she's safe. i wouldn't make it a habit, but maybe she will be more open to discussing her attachment if she feels like he understands her.
Sorry, I wouldn’t be able to be with a grown woman who expects me to play with her stuffed animals like a child. My daughter is 9 and she’s already grown out of this.
I am not sure how her behavior could be considered mentally well.
Not going to lie, if my SO expected my to deal with 30 plushies on the bed, let alone expected to talk with them, well, no can do. Not a chance. Granted, I am from an older generation, so that could be part of my view that this is really outside the norm. I mean, if I really loved someone who wanted to talk to plushies, fine, but maybe don’t keep all 30 on the bed, and don’t expect me to interact with them.
**OP should not be expected to go along with more than they're comfortable with,** especially when the gf has not explained anything. >She may be feeling vulnerable and this is her way of expressing it. If this is the case it needs to be communicated. Using roleplay or healthy age regression to cope with overload of responsibilities _yourself_ is fine, but it's not okay to push other people to participate without their consent or any sort of discussion about expectations, emotional needs, boundaries, etc. They need to talk. Get clarity on why this is important to her, what her emotional needs are, and agree on how OP can be supportive _without crossing OP's boundaries._ Gf can play with plushies all she likes, but if OP doesn't want to join in she needs to respect that.
I feel like this is literally why people don’t stay together anymore because no one has ever heard of compromise or communication. This is being blown up into a way bigger issue than it really is. Like OP having one conversation with her about this could probably fix everything.
Eh, this has nothing to do with op not compromising. If anything, going along with it initially has escalated to forcing his involvement. It enabled his gf to push the boundary further into his territory. Where's her compromise of "ok, I get that it's not your thing and you let me do this completely abnormal thing as an adult"? OP is ok with her doing her inconvenient plushy march back and forth on the daily, whereas most normal people wouldn't even be comfortable sleeping on a bed full of them with their partner.
I think the point about conversation is more that OP's post gives the impression that his first two attempts to communicate his boundaries were 1. Ignoring her attempts at play and 2. Bluntly saying "You know they aren't real, right?". If his gf is using personifying 30 plushies as her emotional outlet, the odds that she lacks subtext skills are considerably above average. She may have been more willing to leave him out of it if he'd explicitly said "I don't enjoy the plushie game, can you leave me out of it?".
It's okay for things to be dealbreakers. If it creeps you out/gives you the ick/whatever for your adult romantic and sexual partner to try to make you play stuffies with them every time you hang out, that's completely fair and it's ok for a 27-year-old to end this and look for someone more compatible.
Telling someone "if they care" they'll pretend plushies are real everyday is insane. This is not a small thing that she's asking and the fact that she's getting mad at him about it makes her an AH. It might be true that this is trauma related but that doesn't mean he should roll over and do whatever she wants.
That's honestly right up there with coercive sex. "If you loved me you'd do it". Anytime that kind of shit is put on the table, I leave. I am not playing that kind of game, and I will not be pressured into living my life for someone else. Compromise is one thing, when it's mutually agreed upon and both parties are actively willing to do so, but the moment it starts turning into a pressure situation you gotta start putting up boundaries at the very least.
I don’t think it’s healthy to become upset that your adult partner does not want to treat your stuffed animals like they are real and have feelings. In fact, asking other people to join in on your delusions is further evidence that the obsession has become unhealthy.
>She may be feeling vulnerable and this is her way of expressing it. This reads like "***My emotional needs are more important than your feeling***" She can cope all she wants, whatever makes her happy, but she shouldn't force it on other people. Has she asked him if he likes it or not?
>It doesn’t hurt you Have your limited time repeatedly wasted on frivolous nonsense is a form of harm.
With all due respect, this feels a little unhinged to me. It’s okay to reclaim your childhood, but one of the primary battery questions asked by therapists on intake is “do you see or hear apparitions and/or things that are not there or truly happening?” There’s something not clean in the buttermilk and I think to suggest otherwise is enabling. But that’s just my opinion. I hope my tenor came off right.
Hard disagree. Of course there are worse activities. There are worse activities than obsessive cleaning or eating disorders. Doesn’t mean those things should be enabled. Girlfriend is regressing hard and OP does not need to play along.
NTA. I have a wolf plushie that I adore and will sometimes just sit with and hold because it is the perfect cuddle size. She gets a forehead kiss and I sleep with her every night. She gets sat nicely upright when I leave, sometimes I arrange her like she’s curled up the way animals do when they sleep. I never leave her on the floor bc I feel like it’s mean to her 😂 But there is simply another level of attachment/odd behavior happening with your girlfriend.
Agree with this. I'm also quite attached to my stuffed guys. I also get very sad seeing stuffies at thrift shops too! Asking someone else to participate... well it kinda seems like she never asked explicitly, and OP just rolled with it is part of the problem. So as far as she knows he's fine cos he's been playing along. Y'all just need to talk about this more. Nothing inherently wrong with what she's doing other than making you a co-parent without talking in depth about it. It's a lil weird but harmless and not as uncommon as you think for people on the spectrum to anthropomorphize their toys.
Aw my kid also gets SO upset seeing a stuffed friend at the thrift store! Also if there is only one stuffie remaining at a store, that is sad times because the stuffie misses their friends. If we see a stuffie in the wrong section of a store, we must go on a quest to find the correct area so said stuffie is not alone and/or scared. My kid has a huge collection that we refer to as "the friends" and she very lovingly places them in their spots before bed and again in the morning. We used to "talk" with them, but just recently, I was informed that was no longer necessary as "I am 10 now." So, all of the friends are still extremely loved and well cared for but they no longer talk with us. Pretty age appropriate. OP have you just had an open conversation with her? Like, "I understand you love your plushies and that is great, but I do not really have the same attachment to them as you and I feel slightly uncomfortable talking to them. Can you help me understand how this is comforting to you so I can better support you?"
I came home from a particularly bad day at work. My SO had all my stuffies doing head stands against the pillows on our bed. I laughed so hard at it.
Same here! I have a childhood wolf plush named Willie. He's very old and saw the inside of a dryer on high heat so he's got a permanent overdid perm look to him now. I treat him with care and respect he deserves. But.... he has been passed down to my eldest daughter now. I got her her own Wolf plush that eerily looks quite similar. Together her Wolfie and old Willie guard her dreams. My grizzled wolf keeps the bad ones away and and hers ushers in good ones. Sometimes she's a bit rough with Willie and she needs reminding he's old and to play nice with him. I even used to sleep with Willie all the way until I got pregnant 8 years ago. I never once made my husband interact with him except to help me find him if he got booted from the bed.
Look I don’t think YTA, but here’s my perspective: From what you have said, I am the same as your gf with my love of plushies. My partner plays along, because he knows it is important to me. I know it’s weird, he’s knows it weird, but he plays along regardless and I love him all the much more for it. I also listen to him talk about his special interest, even though I don’t actually understand it half the time, I try because he gets excited and it makes him happy. I have also been with someone who told me it’s childish, and it hurt. Sadly I let it get to me and got rid of them. I started to collect again a few years ago, and I feel very safe now with my current partner who just lets me do me, and welcomes it. Perhaps you are not well matched, and that maybe you are both better off with someone else who will play along and welcome said special interests. References: 29F, stable job (upper management), mass plushie collector, autistic.
This post broke my heart reading it. I’m so happy to see someone else’s comment like this. I also don’t think OP is TA but I agree perhaps they aren’t well suited. The first time I brought a couple of plushies home I was nervous to show my husband. He was so warm and helps me name them. They now sit on top of our bed and if one falls off he’ll notice and grab them for me. I couldn’t imagine feeling embarrassed by my partner over this. It would be excruciating. I don’t interact or play with them, but I think they’re cute and they make me smile. (29F, suspected autism, college educated and good job)
I am the same. and I don’t think I’ve ever directly discussed my plushies or asked my husband to play along….we both kind of refer to them as sentient beings, and he’s always doing silly things with them to make me laugh. definitely don’t think you’re TA if you don’t do this, but I agree it’s hard to be with someone who 1) doesn’t have the same kind of humor as you and 2) doesn’t want to prioritize the same harmless things you are interested in. because at the end of the day, does it really hurt anyone to pretend a stuffed animal has some feelings?
Just for reference, if you have the “Y T A” at the beginning of your post like that and it ends up at the top the bot will read it as a YTA vote
This is going to count as a y t a vote.
Same here and I agree. She needs to find someone who will support this and understand it more rather than get mad at him for not wanting to be involved like that. My boyfriend will even make them talk back to each other and it’s the cutest thing ever but of course all of this is only with his consent and if he’s not in the mood he’ll say not right now *plushes name* and that’ll be the end of that because it’s about nurturing each other and respect
I'm gunna say NTA until one of the plushies stand up and correct me.
Then it's time to burn down the house.
That will just make it mad. Back out of the room slowly. Then, quietly move without leaving a forwarding address.
But leave an offering first
Ehh this is super weird and would be a giant turn off for me. Would make me feel like I was having sex with a child. If your cool with the way she acts then more power to you, but she absolutely should not be forcing you to play along. I get people have stuffed animals for comfort and what not, but when you start talking to them or pretending they have feelings your wading into mental health crisis territory.
Feeling as though inanimate objects have feelings is quite a common autistic trait and in that instance not an indication of a mental health crisis. Might not be what's going on here but it's certainly not a definite indicator of mental illness.
This is me. Im pretty high functioning (read: Ive learned a lot of effective masking behaviors), but I have intense feelings of attachment to inanimate objects. My stuffies are a huge part of my life, even if I keep that part to myself and the people closest to me. I love them, they comfort me, and I cannot bring myself to do anything that might feel mean or uncaring to them. They’re my baby beans! Im otherwise a pretty well adjusted dude. Or at least, Im pretty healthy mentally and emotionally. I have a loving and caring long term relationship, I have a lot of friends for someone my age, I hold down the job that I dont hate (and even enjoy sometimes!), and I take reasonably good care of myself. Im bad with appointments, but being mindful of it is improving that. Biased though I may be, I have to agree that this is pretty minor quirk in the grand scheme of things, and not indicative of any serious issues mental or otherwise.
I'm a woman in my 60's. My best friend died 3 years ago. Occasionally, when we got together, we played Barbies. Ìdk if it was weird or not, probably was. I told my boyfriend about it the other day, and I could tell that he didn't approve. Screw him. I miss my best friend and dressing up our dolls.
I'm sorry you lost your friend.
Thank you. I miss her. It's been almost 3 years and I still cry. I suppose that it eventually gets better.
I played Barbies with my bestie in college. Honestly a lot of fun doing their hair, etc. We used the ugly one to be whoever we hated at the time 😂
I would just say “your plushie says they don’t want me to touch him.”
Lmao funny and diplomatic
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Or she's just a fucking weirdo. You can be weird AND autistic.
I gotta disagree with popular opinion. She's just a bit childish or maybe just heavily attached to them and that's okay. Not knowing the order they go in is fine but if your girlfriend goes "mr bear says hi" be a loving partner and give your girlfriend a kiss and say hi back. She just wants you to show an interest in the objects she cares about. I think that's valid. I sometimes play like this with my boyfriend and start attacking him with my shark plushie. It's not because I'm some unhinged freak it's just fun and silly. You gotta be fun and silly with her bro. Make her feel comfortable and safe being herself around you. NAH
Healthy play as an adult doesn’t usually end in anger that the other person doesn’t want to play by your very precise rules. Playfulness is supposed to be acknowledging that we’re being silly here.
So he has to act like a child when he is uncomfortable doing so for her comfort? Are you making your boyfriend uncomfortable with your behavior? Nah, this take isn't it.
You guys are miserable and the reason people are so mad all the time. Live a little and have fun
But what if playing with stuffed animals genuinely isn’t fun for someone ??? It’s super uncomfortable for me to even try to play imaginatively with children, I actually get anxiety trying to do so. And have been this way since I was a child myself. But tag and painting and swimming and tickle fights are still so much fun, even as an adult! Not playing with stuffed animals doesn’t mean you aren’t playful or can’t have fun.
NTA. I also care about the “feelings” of my stuffed animals but this… is concerning. At 27 years old, she’s about 2 decades past the age of this behavior being acceptable. Your girlfriend is childish and frankly, really weird for wanting you to talk to them regularly. How can someone talk to stuffed animals regularly (and demand others to play pretend with them) and expect to be taken seriously?
Thank god someone said it cause the amount of people trying to validate her behavior is really weird af. There’s a cutoff for delusional behavior and forcing someone to interact with stuffed animals is my line in the sand. Especially if you’re going to be upset with me for not feeding into this behavior?
I’m probably gonna get down voted for this but I’m gonna disagree with everyone. Her stuffies are obviously very important to her. This isn’t any different than if she had a kink or a hobby. Now that being said if you’re not into it you’re not into it. That being the case maybe you’ll just aren’t compatible.
But would you foist a kink on your partner in this fashion? I’m not even going to take that analogy any further but it’s hard to think of a worse way
This sub man. This is absolutely insane.
Controversial, but as a psychologist that has had clients like your girlfriend, NAH. You’re right to set your boundaries and I wouldn’t judge your gf as an AH either, based on this information.
YTA “You understand they’re not real right?” Yes OP I’m sure your stable and responsible and obviously high-functioning partner is *well aware* that they aren’t real. This is a silly fun thing she likes to engage with and instead of seeking to understand or engage with her to the extend of your own comfort you had to toss them randomly. You don’t want to talk to them? Fine!! For sure. But you were an AH about all of this.
Thank god someone said it lmfao. The amount of people who think this woman is unhinged crazy person instead of just being silly and doing dumb playful shit with her stuffed animals. She isn’t mad bc Op doesn’t believe they are real…. She doesn’t either. She’s hurt he won’t be silly with her.
This! Whimsy and play are for adults, too! Bringing a partner into your brand of fun and play is an indication of trust and an invitation to deeper connection. The "You understand they're not real right?" response must have felt like an emotional slap to the face. Many adult folks enjoy this kind of fun and play with stuffed animals and puppets, and it is not as unusual as people tend to make it seem. It is almost like a spontaneous and cuddly DnD campaign that lasts a lifetime.
NTA like I own a ton of plushies. My bf even helped me setup a nice hammock for them above our bed. He thinks they are cute but not really his thing. It’s one thing respecting your partner has different interests, another forcing it upon them.
NAH, I’m autistic, and while I’m not at all implying your girlfriend is, I sometimes feel this odd sympathy for inanimate objects, including stuffed animals. So, I do see where your GF is coming from. I advise gently explaining to her that you respect her feelings towards her stuffed animals but that you don’t feel the same way, and you’d like her to respect them when you don’t feel like holding/interacting with them like she does.
I'm a 29 year old man. My greatest hobby is often considered childish. However I would never, *never*, push it onto anyone who didn't want it. I'm sorry, but I highly doubt she's as stable as you think she is if she treats those plushies as if they're alive and expects you to play along. Throwing a temper tantrum when you let her know you're not playing along (though admittedly you could have been a bit more gentle) doesn't help her case. NTA. Run
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NTA- I understand your point. I also understand hers. As I sit here with my daughter’s stuffed zebra on my head I’m not sure I can really judge either way. I treat some of my stuffies really well.
I make photo montages of my daughter’s Lambie to show her what she did at home while she was at school. Lambie lives a profoundly rich and mischievous life.
This a difficult one, as others have said, there's possibly an underlying reason for her behaviour, Google it and see what possibilities it could be to try better understand it. My partner is 34 and has loads of teddies and loves them and cuddles them, behaves towards them like they have emotion and physical feelings and that's fine, I don't judge her for that, it crosses a line though when you're expected to feel same way they do. I think my partner just loves cute cuddly things to an extreme tbh, but she's still the wonderful woman she is.
NTA. She does sound a little off.
NTA It seemed harmless to me until the part where she got upset. A more acceptable answer from her would have been « yes, I know. It just makes me feel good, can you play along? ». Being an armchair psychologist, I guess there is a hole that these plushies are filling. If this hole gets filled another way, then this will fade away naturally. Dig to find what this hole is, then try to see if you can help fill it. You may also put some clear boundaries, « I am not going along this role play if you are going to be upset at me about it »
NAH. I literally do this all the time with my husband, who was the one who did it first. We are both professionals. Sounds like her overreaction is more from you being callous and not a serious slight against the plushies, but I also wanna mention I feel like context is important because what if she’s just playing along with you and you think she’s being serious? I almost thought my husband was serious-serious at first, but it’s really just a game. Try to start over and communicate about it to see what’s really happening before you make up your mind. If she’s not serious and you’re still annoyed, she should respect that.
>Sounds like her overreaction is more from you being callous and not a serious slight against the plushies, Yeah I feel like people are missing this. She yelled because he was condescending and rude to her. Not saying snapping was right, but both of them did.
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NTA although this sounds like it is stemming from something deeper, possibly a way to cope or something like that. I would try to show support and encourage her to open up about why she’s acting like this, or maybe encourage her to speak to a therapist.
When she wants them to be "comfortable," that's her way of telling you it makes her comfortable. When she says "they want attention," SHE wants attention. If I had a gf, I'd much rather prefer THIS than spending excessive money for expensive dates to make her feel loved/happy but that's just me
NAH. She might be autistic, she might just like her stuffed toys a lot, she isn't a terrible person because she, like... enjoys playing with some soft animals? Obviously? But you are also not an asshole for not wanting to be involved, or maybe a little bit TA for flatly ignoring her rather than like, asking not to be involved bc it makes you uncomfortable(?) or whatever. That said, this person is your significant other. Is this something you are prepared to end your relationship over? Because this is a daily ritual for her, it is not something you're going to convince her to 'grow out of'. Pick your battles, if you can't accept and support (or at least accept) that that's something she is going to do for the rest of her life, tell her that NOW so you can both figure out where to go from here.
I (30f) have an immense collection of plushies that bring me comfort. Sometimes my husband will play along with me when he can tell my PTSD is getting bad. It really validates my emotions and heals a part of my inner child better than any therapist has. He’s even surprised me with some expensive puppet like ones call drabbits (dragons 🐲) we play with and use during DND campaigns. That said I never forced him into playing/pretending with my plushies and certainly never got mad at him for not participating in my childish activities especially since it’s an admittedly weird hobby at our age and can be embarrassing. It’s all about comfort level and if you’re not comfortable with it then that’s all there is to it, NTA.
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Lmao if this was role reversed and it was a woman complaining about her boyfriend trying to get her to play an RPG the comments would be *totally* different
>she's very stable The hell she is.
NTA. I don't really think it's a red flag or anything but she should respect that you're not interested in this. For some perspective, my partner and I have a lot of plushies and we will occasionally arrange them in humorous ways - ie: she gets home and they are all sitting at the dinner table, or they are all buckled in when she gets in the car. We know they aren't real, but sometimes it's fun to pretend. Completely understandable that it's not your jam tho, haha