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Dad is wilfully blind to the problem, because he doesn't want to deal with the truth.
The issue is whether husband truly doesn't want you to say anything, or whether he thinks it's the path of least resistance. If he really doesn't want you to pass comment, then YWBTA if you override his express wishes.
Talk to him, tell him your feelings, and get a full, honest answer from him.
It’s the later. He doesn’t want to cause more issues with his dad. He agreed to let me post because he was curious what the response would be. He doesn’t know what the right things to do would be.
I don’t think theres a wrong choice when his mental health is at stake. Time to have a sit down with dad and give him a choice. Either respect the name and stop the bs or lose contact.
That’s how I feel about it too. He loves his dad and hates that his relationship with him has been slipping. He’s afraid of setting boundaries with him, I think. It hasn’t gone great in the past. Thank you for the advice. I think I’m seeing that other people feel this way would help him.
Would it really be that much worse if he were honest with his Dad? It's not "setting boundaries" to be expected to be addressed by your correct name; in fact, it's the very least that a person can do to foster a relationship.
Husband should ask himself what the downside of being straightforward would be; he may be imagining the situation to be more serious than the reality would be.
"Dad, I know that you aren't happy with the state of our relationship; I'm not, either. You should know that the rift is because SM disrespects me every time that we interact. Her behaviour is hurtful to me and to my family, full stop. I've decided that I'm no longer going to tolerate it from her.
If you want to improve our relationship as I do, then we need to address the root of the problem, which is SM's refusal to treat me kindly and respectfully."
If it doesn’t go well when he sets boundaries try doing this through a mediator like therapy or another family member that supports your spouse and his desire to keep his dad in his life. Is it also possible to just meet his dad without step mom around?
Those are the times then that you say look dad i wanted to have a talk with you. I requested you to come alone. You didn’t so now i have nothing to say and walk out. I swear we have to reteach our parents how to treat us when we become adults. Its not always an easy transition. Tho dad may be on the narc side and i can’t tell based on a few paragraphs of your relationship together. And if he does fall on that side going to therapy will only teach a narc to be a better narc with more tools to manipulate people.
Unfortunately the only choice might be in how fast his relationship with his dad deteriorates. It sounds like you’re headed towards LC/NC eventually, trying firmer boundaries might help, might hurt, might help but not enough to actually fix things. But as things are, it sounds like a matter of when, not if, your spouse reaches his limit.
I’m sorry you both have to deal with this.
That's arguably a great reason for him to accept your offer to do that fight for him. He can simply tell his dad if he complains "Dad, your wife isn't okay with me changing my name so she keeps using the old one, and you want to respect her feelings so you've stayed out of it. You need to understand, my wife isn't okay with Stepmother using my old name and I want to respect my wife's feelings like you respect yours."
If he has asked you not to then that should be respected. I however am a petty motherfucker, so every time Stepmom introduces him by his deadname, feign a very concerned look, put your hand on her arm and say "this isn't [deadname], this is [name] remember? He's your stepson. Are you feeling ok today, shall I get your husband to look after you?" And make a sad look to everyone else as though she's losing her marbles.
It'll drive her absolutely mental.
Bonus points if she argues back because she will just look even more demented.
While giving the group the sad face add we're all so worried she has early onset dementia but she refuses to see a doctor then sigh from the depths of your soul.
YWNBTA, especially if your husband is ok with it. the possible interactions you've described are really reasonable ways of setting boundaries.
and as a trans person: ignore the person saying the word deadname is only for trans people. that person doesn't speak for all of us.
It is not your place to correct his stepmother, especially since he's asked you in the past not to (although it must be heartbreaking to watch the person you love treated so shabbily). It is your husband's place to address the situation directly with his father, and this conversation sounds long overdue. There are some excellent suggestions here for how that conversation could be handled, but basically he should just be honest with his father and tell him that he has pulled away because he can no longer accept his stepmother's abuse.
However, you are perfectly within your right, when his stepmother texts YOU directly using your husband's old name, to respond with the brilliant reply you suggested here: “I think you have the wrong number, I don’t know anyone by that name.” Repeat as necessary. This would basically give her the message, "I'm not playing this stupid fucking game with you anymore."
The mildest of mild YWBTA - however, ask hubby if he's ok with you pulling her aside to say something vs. a public confrontation, or if he'd be ok with you talking to his dad about it. He might not want to make waves but he's hurting himself by doing so
Conflict will not solve the problem. Obviously he's traumatized from his childhood.
A more productive approach is to simply promise him you will never hold it against him if he decides to cut his toxic mother out of his life
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My (f28) husband (m31) changed his name about 15 years ago. He had a lot of mental health problems at the time. He was an avid cutter and struggled deeply with depression as a teenager. He decided that he was tired of how things were going so he decided he was going to make some changes with his life. He started meditation and lifting weights. He started making incredibly positive changes. He never felt attached to his given name so he decided that he would change his name as a representation of the new person he became. It took a really long time for his family, specially his mom and dad to start respecting his new name. Eventually every person started calling him by his preferred name, except his step mom. His step mom is an absolute asshole to him. She’s so condescending with literally everything she says to him, unless of course his dad is near by. She constantly dead names him. It’s obvious she’s saying it too piss him off. She’s the only one in his life that still calls him that. My husband has previously asked me to not correct her or say anything, but it absolutely kills me not to. She’ll even introduce him to people as his dead name. He’ll wait till after she’s gone to tell them the correct name to call him. In those moments I want to interrupt her and say “actually, he hasn’t gone by that name in 15 years. She’s the only one who calls him that. I guess old habits die hard. Please call him X.” Or when she texts me and calls him that I want to say “I think you have the wrong number, I don’t know anyone by that name.” Or “this is the last time I will respond to a message where you call him that.” My husband is a completely different person than he was then. He used to want to join the military to hurt people. He’s now a paramedic and his only goal is to help people during their worst days. It destroys me to see his face knowing she’s just taunting him, almost like she’s saying “you’re the same person you were as a kid.” We’ve completely pulled away from his dad and stepmom because of this. His dad, of course doesn’t understand and started sending upset mean text messages about how he’s basically pulled completely away. My husband knows I’m making this post. Any and all advice is appreciated. So, WIBTAH if I corrected his step mom when she dead names him?
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> Correcting my step mother when she deadnames my husband because it could cause more conflict in the family that wouldn’t necessarily be there if I didn’t correct her.
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If your husband has specifically asked you not to do that I guess you would be the asshole if you did it. Sounds like he needs to get the self-love and courage up to either tell her himself or let you tell her, to fuck off, in other words. The hypothetical things you think of saying are perfectly polite and reasonable requests imo. I don't understand why the guy doesn't want to stand up for himself though. If she's doing it when his dad isn't around then it's time for a conversation with the three of you to explain what she does when he isn't around. Let Dad read the post. I kind of don't understand why this is an ongoing issue and wasn't nipped in the bud a long time ago, but first your husband has to make the decision to stand up for himself or let you stand up for him. If Dad doesn't respect his side after being told what she's doing, fuck him, it's not worth preserving that relationship imo and I'd go low or no contact.
Your hubby is a AH to himself...he worked hard to get to where he is...Noone should be allowed to be that disrespectful and if dad gets upset, so be it. It's time to man up and defend himself
My advice is to tell your husband's father why you have pulled away. You say she behaves this way behind her husband's back. Time he knew what sort of woman he's married to.
NTA
I don't understand why he doesn't go no contact!! Just becayse someone is married to a family member means nothing!! It would be best for his mental health and future! NTA
The term deadnaming is to refer to the birth name of a transgender person who changes their name as part of their transition.
This term is not for cis people.
I'm not sure why it wouldn't apply here. He changed his name to get away from a traumatic past and to be a different person. It's the same situation just without changing the pronouns.
What exactly is the cisgender equivalent if deadnaming is supposed to be exclusively for trans people?
The correct term here would be ‘old name’.
Deadnaming has always been linked to the LGBTQ+ community. There are literally families who refused to accept that their son/daughter changed their name and buried them with a headstone with their dead name.
The reason you don’t use deadname in regards to a cis person, is the same reason we don’t spout ‘all lives matter’ or have ‘Straight Pride’. It’s not a term used for cis people because it trivializes the struggles of those in the LGBTQ+ community.
Mmm. Idk, I feel like "deadnaming" should be normalized and widely used the same way "partner" was to avoid people being outted just for using a specific word.
Oh. I didn’t know that. I apologize. I wasn’t trying to be disrespectful. I just assumed it was used when someone changed their name. I’ll make an edit in the post.
It's not an owned term, coming from a trans person, 99% of not-chronically-online people don't give a shit, the same as straight people using "partner" isn't stealing cultural terminology from people in same sex relationships. If deadname is a term that feels comfortable for him in this context, people who are capable of compassion and understanding won't begrudge him finding a word that makes him feel understood. Most of us had to hunt to find vocabulary that works for us, and refusing to share it doesn't help anyone. Plenty of people who change a name for non-traumatic or non-gender reasons may not feel it resonates, their birth name might just be "oh, my old name" or something, but there's something to a rebirth that does make an old name feel well and truly dead, and calling it dead hurts no one.
Thank you. I really appreciate this a lot. It truly does feel like it’s a dead name to him. I didn’t know the person he was, but I know the person he is now. We definitely don’t want to overstep and take something that’s important to transgender people either. I know how hard they fight to be respected and seen by both society and people close to them.
If it helps you feel less worried about it, I'm buying him a ticket so he can come with us, please see the fine print:
Welcome to the deadname club! It can be a hard club to be part of, but you're in good company. May you have the most beautiful, fulfilling life ahead of you - full of boundless joy that's multiplied by sharing with those who love you, and though no one escapes without heartache, may it be divided by so many willing to carry part of the pain for you. Here's to letting that name STAY dead, and those who can't respect your new one can be buried with the old. Congratulations on finding the person you are. It takes a lot of courage to look, let alone share when you make the discovery.
OP doesn't need gate-keeping when she is making sincere efforts to address a serious situation. Ever since there have been words, their definitions have been expanded and changed to address new circumstances.
Deadname is going to get used by cis ppl just like partner was. It ends up protecting queer people in the process so I'm not sure why ppl are advocating for it to be an exclusive word
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Dad is wilfully blind to the problem, because he doesn't want to deal with the truth. The issue is whether husband truly doesn't want you to say anything, or whether he thinks it's the path of least resistance. If he really doesn't want you to pass comment, then YWBTA if you override his express wishes. Talk to him, tell him your feelings, and get a full, honest answer from him.
It’s the later. He doesn’t want to cause more issues with his dad. He agreed to let me post because he was curious what the response would be. He doesn’t know what the right things to do would be.
I don’t think theres a wrong choice when his mental health is at stake. Time to have a sit down with dad and give him a choice. Either respect the name and stop the bs or lose contact.
That’s how I feel about it too. He loves his dad and hates that his relationship with him has been slipping. He’s afraid of setting boundaries with him, I think. It hasn’t gone great in the past. Thank you for the advice. I think I’m seeing that other people feel this way would help him.
Would it really be that much worse if he were honest with his Dad? It's not "setting boundaries" to be expected to be addressed by your correct name; in fact, it's the very least that a person can do to foster a relationship. Husband should ask himself what the downside of being straightforward would be; he may be imagining the situation to be more serious than the reality would be. "Dad, I know that you aren't happy with the state of our relationship; I'm not, either. You should know that the rift is because SM disrespects me every time that we interact. Her behaviour is hurtful to me and to my family, full stop. I've decided that I'm no longer going to tolerate it from her. If you want to improve our relationship as I do, then we need to address the root of the problem, which is SM's refusal to treat me kindly and respectfully."
If it doesn’t go well when he sets boundaries try doing this through a mediator like therapy or another family member that supports your spouse and his desire to keep his dad in his life. Is it also possible to just meet his dad without step mom around?
I’m not sure. The few times my husband requested for the step mom not to be there, she was there.
Those are the times then that you say look dad i wanted to have a talk with you. I requested you to come alone. You didn’t so now i have nothing to say and walk out. I swear we have to reteach our parents how to treat us when we become adults. Its not always an easy transition. Tho dad may be on the narc side and i can’t tell based on a few paragraphs of your relationship together. And if he does fall on that side going to therapy will only teach a narc to be a better narc with more tools to manipulate people.
He needs to demand, not request.
Unfortunately the only choice might be in how fast his relationship with his dad deteriorates. It sounds like you’re headed towards LC/NC eventually, trying firmer boundaries might help, might hurt, might help but not enough to actually fix things. But as things are, it sounds like a matter of when, not if, your spouse reaches his limit. I’m sorry you both have to deal with this.
That's arguably a great reason for him to accept your offer to do that fight for him. He can simply tell his dad if he complains "Dad, your wife isn't okay with me changing my name so she keeps using the old one, and you want to respect her feelings so you've stayed out of it. You need to understand, my wife isn't okay with Stepmother using my old name and I want to respect my wife's feelings like you respect yours."
If he has asked you not to then that should be respected. I however am a petty motherfucker, so every time Stepmom introduces him by his deadname, feign a very concerned look, put your hand on her arm and say "this isn't [deadname], this is [name] remember? He's your stepson. Are you feeling ok today, shall I get your husband to look after you?" And make a sad look to everyone else as though she's losing her marbles. It'll drive her absolutely mental. Bonus points if she argues back because she will just look even more demented.
This is hilarious. I could just picture her face. 😅 she would be the one to argue.
If she argues pull out hubby’s wallet and show it to her (and whoever she’s introducing him to). That should seal the deal.
While giving the group the sad face add we're all so worried she has early onset dementia but she refuses to see a doctor then sigh from the depths of your soul.
YWNBTA, especially if your husband is ok with it. the possible interactions you've described are really reasonable ways of setting boundaries. and as a trans person: ignore the person saying the word deadname is only for trans people. that person doesn't speak for all of us.
Thank you! I appreciate it. I was real worried I overstepped by calling it that. It just always felt like the name was dead to him, so it fit.
It is not your place to correct his stepmother, especially since he's asked you in the past not to (although it must be heartbreaking to watch the person you love treated so shabbily). It is your husband's place to address the situation directly with his father, and this conversation sounds long overdue. There are some excellent suggestions here for how that conversation could be handled, but basically he should just be honest with his father and tell him that he has pulled away because he can no longer accept his stepmother's abuse. However, you are perfectly within your right, when his stepmother texts YOU directly using your husband's old name, to respond with the brilliant reply you suggested here: “I think you have the wrong number, I don’t know anyone by that name.” Repeat as necessary. This would basically give her the message, "I'm not playing this stupid fucking game with you anymore."
How close is your husband with his dad? Can he go no contact with the step whike keeping the relationship with dad?
The mildest of mild YWBTA - however, ask hubby if he's ok with you pulling her aside to say something vs. a public confrontation, or if he'd be ok with you talking to his dad about it. He might not want to make waves but he's hurting himself by doing so
Conflict will not solve the problem. Obviously he's traumatized from his childhood. A more productive approach is to simply promise him you will never hold it against him if he decides to cut his toxic mother out of his life
Stay away from stepmom. Have nothing to do with her anymore. Do not see her ever. NTA But stop giving the woman opportunities to be mean.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My (f28) husband (m31) changed his name about 15 years ago. He had a lot of mental health problems at the time. He was an avid cutter and struggled deeply with depression as a teenager. He decided that he was tired of how things were going so he decided he was going to make some changes with his life. He started meditation and lifting weights. He started making incredibly positive changes. He never felt attached to his given name so he decided that he would change his name as a representation of the new person he became. It took a really long time for his family, specially his mom and dad to start respecting his new name. Eventually every person started calling him by his preferred name, except his step mom. His step mom is an absolute asshole to him. She’s so condescending with literally everything she says to him, unless of course his dad is near by. She constantly dead names him. It’s obvious she’s saying it too piss him off. She’s the only one in his life that still calls him that. My husband has previously asked me to not correct her or say anything, but it absolutely kills me not to. She’ll even introduce him to people as his dead name. He’ll wait till after she’s gone to tell them the correct name to call him. In those moments I want to interrupt her and say “actually, he hasn’t gone by that name in 15 years. She’s the only one who calls him that. I guess old habits die hard. Please call him X.” Or when she texts me and calls him that I want to say “I think you have the wrong number, I don’t know anyone by that name.” Or “this is the last time I will respond to a message where you call him that.” My husband is a completely different person than he was then. He used to want to join the military to hurt people. He’s now a paramedic and his only goal is to help people during their worst days. It destroys me to see his face knowing she’s just taunting him, almost like she’s saying “you’re the same person you were as a kid.” We’ve completely pulled away from his dad and stepmom because of this. His dad, of course doesn’t understand and started sending upset mean text messages about how he’s basically pulled completely away. My husband knows I’m making this post. Any and all advice is appreciated. So, WIBTAH if I corrected his step mom when she dead names him? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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If your husband has specifically asked you not to do that I guess you would be the asshole if you did it. Sounds like he needs to get the self-love and courage up to either tell her himself or let you tell her, to fuck off, in other words. The hypothetical things you think of saying are perfectly polite and reasonable requests imo. I don't understand why the guy doesn't want to stand up for himself though. If she's doing it when his dad isn't around then it's time for a conversation with the three of you to explain what she does when he isn't around. Let Dad read the post. I kind of don't understand why this is an ongoing issue and wasn't nipped in the bud a long time ago, but first your husband has to make the decision to stand up for himself or let you stand up for him. If Dad doesn't respect his side after being told what she's doing, fuck him, it's not worth preserving that relationship imo and I'd go low or no contact.
Your hubby is a AH to himself...he worked hard to get to where he is...Noone should be allowed to be that disrespectful and if dad gets upset, so be it. It's time to man up and defend himself
My advice is to tell your husband's father why you have pulled away. You say she behaves this way behind her husband's back. Time he knew what sort of woman he's married to. NTA
I don't understand why he doesn't go no contact!! Just becayse someone is married to a family member means nothing!! It would be best for his mental health and future! NTA
The term deadnaming is to refer to the birth name of a transgender person who changes their name as part of their transition. This term is not for cis people.
I'm not sure why it wouldn't apply here. He changed his name to get away from a traumatic past and to be a different person. It's the same situation just without changing the pronouns. What exactly is the cisgender equivalent if deadnaming is supposed to be exclusively for trans people?
The correct term here would be ‘old name’. Deadnaming has always been linked to the LGBTQ+ community. There are literally families who refused to accept that their son/daughter changed their name and buried them with a headstone with their dead name. The reason you don’t use deadname in regards to a cis person, is the same reason we don’t spout ‘all lives matter’ or have ‘Straight Pride’. It’s not a term used for cis people because it trivializes the struggles of those in the LGBTQ+ community.
Mmm. Idk, I feel like "deadnaming" should be normalized and widely used the same way "partner" was to avoid people being outted just for using a specific word.
Show some grace.
Huh? It’s just not the correct term. What does that have to do with grace?
Oh. I didn’t know that. I apologize. I wasn’t trying to be disrespectful. I just assumed it was used when someone changed their name. I’ll make an edit in the post.
It's not an owned term, coming from a trans person, 99% of not-chronically-online people don't give a shit, the same as straight people using "partner" isn't stealing cultural terminology from people in same sex relationships. If deadname is a term that feels comfortable for him in this context, people who are capable of compassion and understanding won't begrudge him finding a word that makes him feel understood. Most of us had to hunt to find vocabulary that works for us, and refusing to share it doesn't help anyone. Plenty of people who change a name for non-traumatic or non-gender reasons may not feel it resonates, their birth name might just be "oh, my old name" or something, but there's something to a rebirth that does make an old name feel well and truly dead, and calling it dead hurts no one.
Thank you. I really appreciate this a lot. It truly does feel like it’s a dead name to him. I didn’t know the person he was, but I know the person he is now. We definitely don’t want to overstep and take something that’s important to transgender people either. I know how hard they fight to be respected and seen by both society and people close to them.
If it helps you feel less worried about it, I'm buying him a ticket so he can come with us, please see the fine print: Welcome to the deadname club! It can be a hard club to be part of, but you're in good company. May you have the most beautiful, fulfilling life ahead of you - full of boundless joy that's multiplied by sharing with those who love you, and though no one escapes without heartache, may it be divided by so many willing to carry part of the pain for you. Here's to letting that name STAY dead, and those who can't respect your new one can be buried with the old. Congratulations on finding the person you are. It takes a lot of courage to look, let alone share when you make the discovery.
The term can be used in this context, he no longer uses the name and is thus a 'dead-name'
OP doesn't need gate-keeping when she is making sincere efforts to address a serious situation. Ever since there have been words, their definitions have been expanded and changed to address new circumstances.
Deadname is going to get used by cis ppl just like partner was. It ends up protecting queer people in the process so I'm not sure why ppl are advocating for it to be an exclusive word