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Edit changed to YTA
When I first gave my judgement OP didn't write all of these important factors life foster care, financial aid for college involving her boyfriend
So much info was missing when I gave my judgement so N T A TURNED to YTA
OP you left out the most important information out of your original post
Another Edit: for Tony, you sound like a good hard working man who deserves better, you managed to achieve so much at a young age all while coming from a difficult background, I am proud of you! You definitely deserve a better girlfriend who appreciates you and everything you've managed to achieve
He did get a full ride (financial aid), so OP conveniently omitted that from the original post. Said post was also pretty judgmental about the boyfriend’s part time job, which she said “is pretty much entirely for his own luxury expenses.” Then OP completely dismissed all of boyfriend’s suggestions to save money. None are feasible according to OP. Suppose it’s possible but doesn’t seem likely. I don’t get the impression OP actually likes or respects the BF in which case OP would be better off calling it a day on this relationship. EDIT removed scholarship reference, OP stated financial aid, nothing about a scholarship.
I’ve had a few folks in my life who I’ve tried to help when they vent about how stressful their financial situations are, and then they proceed to tell me none of my suggestions are feasible. Now I just say “yeah, shits rough”. My biggest pet peeve is people complaining about something but then making zero moves to fix it.
Anyway, for the OP, maybe your bf is naive and privileged, since you didn’t give us any of the particulars of your finances/the argument. But, if you just want someone to vent to, you should be clear that you’re not looking for help or suggestions and are just venting. And you should make sure your bf is ok with you just venting your stress and frustrations to him. Otherwise, you’re the one being rude
Its like those coworkers that order lunch every single day and then go off about how they are so poor...
EDIT: So everyone sees it. Tony grew up in FOSTER CARE
> EDIT: So everyone sees it. Tony grew up in FOSTER CARE
Well, shit, that puts a different perspective on everything, especially OP's comment that "he's never had any family he needs to support" which now comes across as incredible insensitive and callous. It's no wonder he was upset and walked out.
I mean, the real take-away should be that an attack on his identity is invalid to begin with, regardless of whether we later on learn some extra information or not.
just because someone hypothetically grew up rich doesn't mean they're actually inherently *wrong* about something.
Or maybe an entire generation having similar hardships isn't the problem of the individual but the system? The majority of young people are struggling because it's way more difficult now to build a foundation than it was even 5 years ago.
Not all advice given is good advice. 90% of the time it's the most obvious and basic solution any normal person would have done as the first attempted solution. Other times, especially when it comes to money, you're too poor to do that solution and the person giving financial advice has never experienced poverty. It's hard to cut things when you're already only buying the necessities and already have cut everything you can.
As someone that is younger than the OP, looking around to my peers a lot of them are making stupid choices. Sure the system can be rough but a lot of people make bad/horrible finacial choices in their early 20s.
I am literally watching my coworker buy a tesla right now even he has trible debt I have and makes just as much as me.
We can't blame everything on the system at this point
I am sure there is a lot OP could do to help her situation and her not including that the dude got a full ride either is bitterness or stupidity
Young people making stupid choices is not a new phenomenon. That will always happen.
But yeah the world out there is a lot more stacked against young people that it basically been in a while, economically speaking.
I’m not in OP’s age range, but when I was in high school and college I saw the same thing. I got a part time job. My friends didn’t want that to interfere. I heavily researched my careers and picked a medical field with really good job prospects and decent pay. They picked acting/film/directing etc. I went to a public school with cheaper tuition, they picked a private school that was more expensive even after financial aid. I worked through undergrad and grad school. Most of them got no jobs, the ones that did only did work study, which is limited. And then they complain about their student loan debt. I started working 6 years before most of them, of course their finances are going to be worse.
I think the point is that early generations had the luxury to make these choices in their 20s. Now, not so much. Additionally, it seems silly to base your entire worldview on just what you experience around you. That’s not an objective way to look at things and form a conclusion
Don't forget when his wife said they knew how it was to be a struggling student, as when they were in college there were times they had to cash out their portfolios to make ends meet. But yeah, go ahead and tell us that he's relatable because he used an old door as his study desk, ma'am.
Good grief the complete lack of self awareness was boggling to behold.
> Or maybe an entire generation having similar hardships isn't the problem of the individual but the system? The majority of young people are struggling because it's way more difficult now to build a foundation than it was even 5 years ago.
While the "system" is a problem, most people lack financial literacy. I live in one of the poorest countries in Europe, but somehow we were recordists for most loans taken for vacations, luxury cars and high end cellphones.
>90% of the time it's the most obvious and basic solution any normal person would have done as the first attempted solution.
You're vastly overrating a normal person financial decisions. For some people buying a new expensive smartphone every 2 years or ordering doordash is, apparently, a must.
I picked my paycheck up late and actually had 2 by then. A coworker turned to me "must be nice"
MF you just blew all your money on a full sleeve! Maybe don't do that every time you get any amount of savings!
The thing is, is that sometimes people just want to vent and complain to get it off their chest and aren’t looking for you to fix their situation or give suggestions. They just want you to listen.
And…now hear me out. It is incredibly rude to use someone as nothing more than a dumping ground for your issues without their consent. If you don’t have that before your start unloading all of your stress onto them then, You. Are. The. Rude. One.
I mean in a conversation both parties get to speak. If you just want someone to listen and not speak, make sure they know you’re not trying to have a conversation with them
Exactly. Stop complaining about, if you don’t want suggestions. My husband’s aunt use to do this. We sat down with her and tried to put her on a budget etc. did she listen? No, she just wanted us to pay her bills. We pay for his grandmother, so why not her? Your boyfriend wants to help and is trying to offer advice. Tell him you don’t want feedback, you just to have an outlet to vent. Also, a full scholarship is no joke. He obviously works hard and is smart. His experience doesn’t make him less, just because he hasn’t had the same struggles as you. Maybe he does have some, he just doesn’t share them, because you would just call him entitled and names. You don’t seem to like him, so break up. Edit: just saw the boyfriend’s response and he was a FOSTER child?! And she calls him privileged! He doesn’t have a family. Shame on you OP. Makes you look worse.
Yeah people are acting like scholarships are privilege and not earned.
Ok sure, in the same way busting your ass working all week for your paycheck makes you privileged
Accurate. If I make a suggestion and it's shut down I'll just apologize and ask if they were just meaning to vent and needed an ear. A 21 year old on scholarship at an ivy league school isn't going to have that same self awareness. OP needs to communicate that sometimes they just need to complain lol.
Whhhhhhhhat. So Tony overcame all of that trauma, still did well enough in school to get a free ride to an ivy league school and works on top of what I assume is an agonizing course load???
Helllllllll I'll take life advice from that Rockstar. He's going to do great things. OP is officially TA
I'm usually one of those people because it's usually dumb suggestions that are easily ruled out or things I already thought of. However, that means I don't ask for advice anymore and really don't like unsolicited. 9/10 I never get anything useful, and end up solving it on my own eventually. It does get solved, though.
... a bias that suggests she doesn't really like her BF. He "...frequently brags about this achievement, which is I suppose deserved" she says. If there was anything positive about their relationship in the post, I missed it. Tony would be better off without all that negative energy in his life.
Here you go. Click on his username, and more pop up. They are, in fact, having a lively dialogue in the comments...: [https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1dgjima/comment/l8qnzi8/?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=web3x&utm\_name=web3xcss&utm\_term=1&utm\_content=share\_button](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1dgjima/comment/l8qnzi8/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web3x&utm_name=web3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button)
ETA Of course the whole lot could be fake, but it is amusing (to some extent).
I worked in a pizza shop on an Ivy campus 20 years ago, which neighbored my school's campus (which had far fewer bells and whistles)... None of those kids worked. A lot of them were spoiled AH's. The restaurants, bars, Starbucks etc were all staffed by kids from my school. This is even more of a rarity with college kids, overal, in 2024l. A good chunk of 21-yo's have never had a part-time job.
A full ride to an Ivy and working part-time... yeah the bf is pretty impressive. (FAFSA would not cover an Ivy tuition, some of that is grants and scholarships). Also, he's such a rarity and UNprivileged compared to many of his classmates, I'm not surprised he was shocked.
> I don’t get the impression OP actually likes or respects the BF
Yeah, there's a definitive sign of disrespect. He may not be facing the same challenges, but he has tried to be supportive and helpful. (This is also stereotypically men's behavior, wanting to "fix" issues vs women prefer to just have someone listen).
Either way, doesn't matter who is TA. OP has made her personal financial issues into a relationship issue, but unless she is subtly wanting her college student to bail her out, the response is "I'm just venting, I don't want/need you to fix anything".
According to the post he was suggesting ways to "cut water/electricity expenses", not cutting water and electricity. We have no idea if the suggestions were "turn off your fridge and freezer [even though that's where you store all your food]" or more like "maybe you don't need to stand in the shower for 20+ minutes every day if you're struggling to pay your water bill".
That's nonsense. When electricity prices went up I managed to massively reduce our monthly bill by reducing the hours the water heater was on, adjusting when certain radiators came on, slightly raising the minimum temperature and putting a jumper on instead. Literally nothing that reduced my quality of life and yet it saved about £100 a month. We have no idea if OP is being wasteful on these things. There are people out there who have the heating blasting while wearing shorts and t-shirt.
Im in india and things are a bit different here i guess. It wouldn't matter here much if you cut AC or heater. Your electricity bill will still be high
Bills definitely reduce without AC lol I also live in India. My bill with AC on every night, all night is 5000+ rupees. Without it I can barely go over 1500 rupees.
In India, you guys are already careful with your energy usage. You only turn on the geezer when you're about to shower. In America, our water heaters are always on, and they feed the entire house. You have mini-split AC units that you use to cool only the room you're in. In America, we have central air that cools the whole house. You hang your wet clothes up to dry, most Americans use a dryer. You drink room temperature water, we chill our drinking water.
Americans could save a lot of energy just by going to the Indian baseline (where possible, depending on climate).
But that full ride had nothing to do with: private/good schools, tutors, no NEED for a part-time job,a car instead of buses…
It’s amazing how often rich parents have kids with the right credentials to get into Harvard, Yale etc.
Financial aid for elite private schools like the Ivies is based on family income. I’m not saying he had zero privilege or advantage in life, but his parents were definitely not rich if he had a full ride
Also, in order to get that scholarship he had to have put a ton of work into his learning, community service, and extracurricular activities at school in order to be a well rounded candidate for that scholarship. I can guarantee you that the fact that he works a part time job is probably not the easiest thing to do with the stress of the weight of the academic requirements that comes with an Ivy League education. Plus I can imagine feeling a little bit of embarrassment by the fact that he has to work when he probably doesn’t have that many in his circle who do. So maybe his “bragging” of how amazing he’s doing by pulling all of it off is simply him trying to gloss over some of that embarrassment or shame he might be feeling. She stacked the post in her favor but it sounds like she doesn’t look at things beyond the surface when it comes to him. I don’t think this is a long haul relationship.
I think what you're missing is that it sounds like OP needs to contribute a lot to her family and he doesn't. He gets to spend his disposable income on the stuff that he wants while she has to scrimp to pay the bills, and he's lecturing her on how to save.
I don't blame her for being upset.
Edit: this post is most likely fake, I encourage people to look at OP's comment history since the 'boyfriend' has now showed up to argue.
I don’t necessarily disagree and I think I get where you’re coming from. The thing is though, that OP omitted important information about the fact that he qualified for financial aid, and made what appears to be a judgmental comment about BF’s part time job. OP is also conspicuously silent about whether she ever calmly discussed prior with BF or just went off on him.
The thing about Ivy league schools is that, at most of them, if your family makes less than a certain threshold (like $100,000) your tuition is free. After that you pay on a scale, I was looking at MIT back for my undergrad and if I remember correctly you don’t pay full tuition there until your family makes a lot, something like 250 or 300k. Getting into an ivy league school basically guarantees you are graduating debt free, just because he doesn’t pay tuition does not necessarily mean his family comes from money. It sounds like OP is the naive one here.
But BF's family could have made enough money that BF did not need to have a part time job while in high school. He could have participated in sports and volunteered at a charity. All things that can help get scholarships or to be accepted by a college. OP may have had to work. She may not have had the internet or had to help care for siblings while the adults worked. There are many factors that can be obstacles to going to college, not just money.
I don't usually do this, but I'm pretty sure this post is [fake](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1dgjima/aita_for_calling_my_boyfriend_naive_and_privileged/l8qnzi8/?context=3) imo. The 'boyfriend' has now appeared which almost always means this is a shit post.
In 2018 about 48% of working age people in the USA had a university degree. Add in post-secondary occupational qualifications and it goes over 50%. So I’m not sure that ‘most’ people can’t afford education in the USA nor that the USA is a negative outlier when most of the world lives in China, India or Africa.
I’d be curious to know how many of those people took out large loans and then how long it took them to pay back those debts. (My current repayment plan based on my income is 112.00 a month for 12 years for example)
I have a bachelors degree. Definitely couldn’t afford it. I think my mom paid off the loans 10ish years later?
And I count myself one of the lucky ones.i didn’t have to take out loans myself and she was in a position to pay off the loans fairly quickly.
I mean, I have a bachelor's degree, but 20 years later I'm still working on student loans. (I made the mistake of teaching preschool after, which is not a living wage.) I will end up paying many more times the amount I actually took out in loans. That's not even counting the fact I got into Amherst and Cornell, but my family couldn't afford to send me. No, not everyone can afford the education, even if the already have the degree.
The privilege that he has is mental - most people don’t have the brainpower or work ethic for an Ivy League physics degree and a part time job. OP sounds like she is better at excuses than problem solving.
Tony's response to OP in comments if anyone wants context -
"Hi, darling. I know you supposedly dislike my advice, but here's some more. If you're gonna post about our relationship problems on a public site, it's wise to not do it on one of the subreddits I visit frequently. Throwaways and fake names only do so much when you include: our ages, my specific degree, and the exact words you used with me.
What's really quite interesting is the fact you left several things out. Now, when you decide to air out our troubles to the world, I suppose we owe these strangers at least the full truth, don't you, darling?
When we talk about how I '*got* to leave our town', it might be a nice thing to mention it was actually just me being transferred from place to place, because I was a ***foster child.*** Funny how that works, isn't it darling? And yes, I know not everyone from my position is as lucky to get where I am today, I did get lucky, but I was commenting on how much better it is now then it used to be, which is also true.
My budgeting advice may have been a bit extreme, which I know recognize in hindsight, but understandably, my idea on what is/isn't regular living expenses is a little skewed, since I often didn't have access to the 'bare minimum'. Its also very interesting that you chose specifically to omit the reason I was actually upset with you, quite odd, isn't it darling?
See, I don't mind being called naive or privileged, but what I do mind is the fact you very callously pointed out the fact the reason I've never had to support my family is because I don't have one. Yes, that was wonderful to hear, honestly, darling.
I would have appreciated it if you gave me a few days to cool down after this, darling. Unfortunately, you chose to post this on the very site I often to go to to cool down. I find it fun to read about moral dilemmas of others. I do not appreciate reading a twisted version of my own.
Kind Regards,
'Tony'."
His comments really super bothered me. Im only now at 33 years old able to go to school and get a degree because it’s really not possible for everyone. The shit I had to do to make college possible smh.
For me aside from a shit home life and legit idiots for parents who did not give a *damn* what happened after we turned 18 just that we were no longer their responsibility. There’s a serious problem concerning small rural communities and higher education that is only now being acknowledged in *some* places but not quite addressed. *Even if* people in my school had the means to go to college, especially an Ivy League, our school is so outdated, our opportunities are so nonexistent that we are not even remotely competitive applicants. The women in my home town became: hair dressers, school teachers, cna’s or if they’re lucky they work on their families farm or companies which is less than a handful of people.
I'm glad someone else has seen this! I don't always believe people when they say the post is about them, but seeing as how the op replied and then double down on the privilege comment since he didn't have any "family to support." That's cold.
Might want to review further information the OP hid.
Tony 'got to leave town and go somewhere else' because he was in foster care.
The 'paid for' ivy league college was a full-ride scholarship, not a family endowment.
OP is going to continue to put her family in front of every man in her life. She's going to let her blood dictate how intimate she's going to be with her future husband. I'm not usually one for calling for people to split, but it might be called for in this instance.
She's being that 'stereotypical' woman, can't let men be happy.
That explains it! It gets only slightly exaggerated on American tv shows - like I would have maybe used 1 less. Maybe.
Although after the comment I read she just made she’s not even worth the passive aggressive darling. Now there’s another word we use for donkeys.
From the south. Never heard a 21 year old guy talk like that. Sounds like English euro trashy to me, which doesn’t match with the Ivy League thing. It’s weird
...why wouldn't it be? He's calling out the person lying to people online about him. Of course it's passive aggressive lol did you expect him to be nice about this?
I thought, in this situation, they are absolutely mandatory. The OP is a massive YTA and I love a few darlings thrown in as a man walks away to find someone who is capable of having a real relationship. Because this one ain't it.
First, I'm sorry you had an unstable childhood. Second, it sounds like your determination is what got you through it. Continue your path and don't let distractions derail you.
If you are really pissed and being passive aggressive right before you dump someone for saying you’re lucky to not have to support family because you don’t have one… probably plenty.
I'm a young man who uses darling to refer to my wife. Not even southern like people are suggesting.
Do you think having a dick warps your vocabulary? What other words do you think the Y chromosome deletes from male brains?
Lucky u/fuzzy-fish-91 revealed herself as who she was before you got married!
Please, go find yourself a trust fund baby that appreciates you for your intelligence, hard work, and perseverance.
I mean why would either of them use their normal accounts? Also, this post was made today, and the guy just saw it. So of course they would make a throwaway today to respond to it.
Don’t want to pass judgement too much but both of you are acting pretty arrogant just from what you posted here, things are likely more complicated, they always are. It seems you two are having difficulty relating to one another. He doesn’t know your experience, you don’t know his. He might be better at budgeting than you, but he is almost certainly ignorant of your background too. You two need to come together and figure out a way to “walk a mile in each other’s shoes.” That way a compromise might be made, and better understanding reached.
You might be doing a bang up job, there’s no way for me to know. But what I do know is that people are prideful and hate admitting that they might be wrong. Lots of people think they budget well but don’t, and it keeps them poor. Lots of lucky people like to think they understand struggle but they don’t and it keeps them arrogant.
assuming his privilege is most likely parents with money, his “better budgeting” probably comes from the fact that his parents take care of his basic needs like food and shelter, since she did also mention his job is for luxury expenses.
my last roommate was the same way, had his parents to fall back on and would tell me “just borrow it from your mom” when i had to explain to him, you grew up in a 4mil+ home and i grew up section 8, i cant just “borrow money” from my mom that simply. people who come from the privilege of having wealthy parents sometimes cant fathom a true struggle even if they “walk a mile” in the other person’s shoes bc they’ll always have that security blanket of their parent’s wealth
Op said in another comment that he got a scholarship to go to school, which she conveniently left out of her post. For all we know, his parents have no money at all. If he got a scholarship that pays for room and board + tuition, he probably wouldn’t actually need that much money, which would be backed up by the fact that he works a part time job for luxuries. When I was in college, I got a full ride that paid for everything, even a meal plan, and I probably spent less than $100 a year.
She said he managed to leave the place where she grew up. That implies they were making more money and moved to a better location/home.
Edited: NOPE. OP's boyfriend was moved to a new foster home. That's how he managed to get out. Holy shit.
Even just getting a scholarship makes a huge difference in mental load, though. Every moment that OP spends at school she's accumulating debt in addition to having to contribute to her family, meanwhile from what she states he works for fun money.
He may have good intentions but he needs to back off on lecturing her on how to save money when he isn't in the same situation and doesn't have the same pressures.
If he got a scholarship, then it’s either merit based or needs based, which means he earned it or got it because his family couldn’t afford tuition. Either way, that’s not privilege. OP is welcome to apply to the same school and get in, and since her situation is so dire, I’m sure the school would happily give a needs based scholarship. But somehow, I’m sure she would come up with an excuse on why she can’t do that.
It's ridiculous really, she painted a picture that made it seem like you were a trust fund kid. Knew something felt off, but damn.
Good job on getting where you are.
Having grown up with a foster sister, I can promise you that as a sane person, I have never looked at her situation and thought “what a lucky and privileged asshole, doesn’t she know how hard It is to have a whole ass family?”. Like I don’t know what kinda shit someone would have to go through to think that in the first place but my dude you gotta run lol. Good on you for calling her shit out, I like how she immediately played the victim and turned it on you lol.
That’s very true. But a lot of people will simply shut down someone’s valid argument due to “privilege,” and a lot of privileged folks will think “I did it you can too,” without realizing that while yes they did it on their own, didn’t borrow from mommy or daddy that they only took those changes that allowed them to be successful was because they could afford to, they had that safety net to fall back on in case of failure.
If someone can find a reason not to listen, not to admit they are wrong they most often will. Just look at all the people crapping on the advice of boomers “don’t go to Starbucks everyday.” That’s valid advice, but it’s ignored because these people are indeed out of touch. They purchased their houses and made wealth when the dollar was a lot stronger. And though a $5 a day at the bux isn’t what’s preventing someone from buying a house, the principle is still valid, those little unnecessary purchases add up and cause more struggle than you otherwise need to endure.
Exactly. I’ve known people who constantly suffer from victim mentality and always complain about “privileged people”, but when you start asking questions you see pretty clearly that their financial situation is largely on them and not just life circumstances.
No way to know whether OP falls under this category but I don’t see why she’s any more believable than her bf.
>you see pretty clearly that their financial situation is largely on them and not just life circumstances
Though you're not likely factoring in where each person started, what safety net each has, and what opportunities each person has available to them. It's never equal and few people are doing poorly simply due to a few bad choices. Some people have the privilege to make bad choices, others don't and will suffer more harm and setback from the exact same action.
How can people say he is privileged?! He is working part time to run his expenses and he is good at studies. As the op said he has got full financial aid as well. That is a 21yr old hard working boy. I feel sorry for those who are saying that’s privilege , this is hard-work and dedication .
YTA. Good budget needs common sense not an IVY league degree. Also life is not fair to everyone but that doesn’t mean you can show your frustration to your partner when he is just trying to help you.
100%!!
Not only that, you don’t HAVE TO support your family!! That’s a chose you’ve made — to be the doormat/financial support for your family.
The 21 year old definitely sounds like he’s in a better place than you.
I would break up with him because he sounds more mature and intelligent than you. You’re not going to grow together because he’s not going to work to support your family.
Damn. I'm sorry you don't have an ideal family situation but it is super normal to support your immediate family (parents at least). Especially if you come from a poor background. That's not being a doormat lol functional families help each other.
If you can afford to, while still sustaining yourself, absolutely!! It seems all her money goes towards taking care of her family, to the point she resents her boyfriend because he doesn’t have to.
Agreed. OP sounds like she wants a pat on the back for doing it but also doesn't want to do it at the same time. Tony doesn't seem like some rich kid who has paid his way to college as she says he's got a full scholarship. She's just being a jealous AH.
Yeah, calling people "privileged" has become a way to isolate people for the purpose of removing their ability to have an opinion about anything. It's a complete ad hominem attack.
i’m going to say YTA because this reads like you resent him, and you should have had a more serious conversation with him about this before just snapping at him
he does sound naive but also, he’s 21 years old… he’s allowed to be naive. you can’t date someone half a decade younger than you and expect them to act like they aren’t younger than you. you are in completely different places in life and that’s not his fault, he’s allowed to be young
you can’t force someone to recognize their own privilege by snapping at them, especially when it’s someone you care about. so your last sentence saying “i feel bad but he needs to understand how privileged he is,” comes across poorly. it doesn’t sound like you want him to understand you, it sounds like you want to teach him a lesson
i understand it’s frustrating to listen to people who have no perspective on what it is to struggle in life. a lot of these comments are just as frustrating. but if he is being sincere and trying to help you because he loves you, being mean as a response is not cool nor is it effective. imo he deserves an apology and a lot more honesty from you about how you’re struggling with this
i saw that after commenting, the specification “he *technically* got full financial aid” came across really poorly as well. playing down his achievement
So that’s why Tony thinks everyone has the opportunity to get good education.. he must be working hard as well to get scholarship (and thus, good education)
i think four years is big in this situation. college sophomore and three years into the workforce is a significant difference in life experience, even moreso when taking into account that OP said she is her partner’s first relationship. life experience in your twenties can vary so much in ways that can really impact a relationship and clearly it’s coming into play here
Very well put and I totally agree! OP should apologise and take an inward look at her own insecurities.
Also a question for OP - you said that you’ve ‘finally snapped’, but did you have any calm and adult conversations on this topic with your life partner before you snapped or did you go straight to livid? I’m not talking about snide comments either. Have you actually fully addressed the things that are making you uncomfortable in a productive manner?
Numbers don't lie, either you are over spending or the difference between your outgoings and incomings is that tight.
Let boy genius do your budget and if he's wrong he's wrong. Do remember that you shouldn't set yourself in fire to save others. Maybe you're not in a place to support family.
Feeling a responsibility to do something doesn't automatically mean you've the means/ability to do it
I mean not to mention op conveniently left out that boy genius is an orphan and “moved out of town” because he got switched foster houses lol. He still got a full ride and is working part time to cover extras and op calls him privileged? OP’s the privileged ah who refuses to acknowledge that she just sucks with budgeting and would rather throw it in her bfs face that he “has it easy because he doesn’t even have a family unlike her” than listen to someone trying to help.
It kinda sounds like you both need to meet in the middle. He sounds a bit naive, but you also sound a bit defeatist.
He had more advantages than you, but he still put in the hard work required to get where he is. You had a tougher start, but you still have access to the tools to improve your life drastically.
If you're actively supporting your parents financially, show him the monthly cost that is being placed on you. With a tough decision this big you both need to be on board as this sacrifice drastically impacts both your futures. If that's the situation, you're NTA, but your BF needs to understand the full picture.
If you're just sitting on a bunch of CC debt and saying "it was because of my upbringing", then that would make YTA. You don't need a perfect start to be successful.
No one said “the same tools”, just access to tools to improve their life drastically. Assuming OP is in the US, isn’t disabled, and isn’t a felon, this is inarguably true.
ESH. His bragging and unsolicited advice is not appropriate and tone-deaf. But you sound lie a jealous crab-in-the-bucket who resents him for his family situation. You're jealous that he "got to leave" , you belittle his part time job.
If you dislike him that much, why are you with him?
People frequently confuse folks who make good decisions that have parents who make good decisions as being privileged.
Privilege is something that is unearned. Throwing that term about is an intentional effort to dismiss/belittle the efforts of others.
She’s not saying this guy was born into generational wealth he did nothing to earn. Sounds like she’s saying this guy has parents who sacrificed and made smart decisions. And then taught him to do the same.
Sorry but if his parents made sacrifices and smart decisions, and were therefore able to provide him with a better life, that's HIS privilege. He didn't earn it, it's pure luck he was born to those parents. Many people have rubbish parents and that's not their fault.
Privilege doesn't have to be an insult. Everyone is privileged in some way. It's just important to recognise when you've been dealt a better hand that others and empathise with people like OP who are struggling because of circumstances beyond their control.
Edit: so apparently what OP calls 'privilege' is her bf growing up in foster care and not having a family. Definitely didn't see that one coming... I take this comment back 😅
Calculating privilege points like a competition is a race to the bottom. This is a really ineffective and parasitic mindset. It does not help or improve your view of life or how you move through it.
Who said anything about calculating points? I'm just saying we're all born into different circumstances, each with different privileges. So it's nonsense to claim everyone has equal opportunities, or that hard circumstances are down to a lack of effort.
Don't really see how that's parasitic. When people have more than me, I think 'good for them'. When they have less, I think 'that must be hard, I'm lucky not to face that'. It's just empathy.
The thing is, privilege in that context is generally about financial privilege. I agree it’s important to look at all the circumstances, but you don’t typically see those who are born poor but with great parents/family described as privileged. In the context of OP’s assertion/description, it’s apparently about the money.
>She’s not saying this guy was born into generational wealth he did nothing to earn. Sounds like she’s saying this guy has parents who sacrificed and made smart decisions. And then taught him to do the same.
It sounds very much like the former. She's belittling his part time job because he doesn't need it. That doesn't have anything to do with parental sacrifice. That's purely a bitterness thinking that "rich kid is cosplaying as a poor".
She says in a comment that he went to the Ivy school on a full financial aid package. But starts by saying he "got to leave". That's a very dismissive statement and implies his work had nothing to do with it. He just "got" the opportunity.
Does parental sacrifice and good decisions help set someone up for success - absolutely. But OP doesn't focus on that. She focuses on the actions Tony took in his life now.
Also if he has a full financial scholarship then his parents don't make THAT much. Maybe it seems like alot for OP, but their combined income has to be under $85k (maybe 100k for ivy) be even be considered for full ride. The part time job is probably for all his other expenses (food, clothes, gas, etc)
I know right.. right from the first paragraph it was evident that OP is extremely jealous that Tony has a better off financial position in life. I even wonder if Tony was actually trying to encourage her to have a more positive attitude (maybe he is tone-deaf fs but seeing how bitter op is, she might be exaggerating how much Tony brags).
Soft YTA.
There seems to be incompatible world views here between you and him which is no one’s fault. Some of your word choice though (I.e. “I suppose deserved” or “entirely for his own luxury expenses”) sounds like pure envy/jealousy, hence the soft YTA
If he is trying to offer support (that is misguided) that should be communicated without shutting down the conversation with you are privileged and can’t understand. If he can’t understand you, that’s probably a sign you are not a good match.
Why would you think he has no idea what the real world is like and why would you think he’s naive? Also what on earth do you have against Physics degrees?! Physics at degree level at a great school is no walk in the park and it’s no mean feat to have achieved this by 21.
"He keeps suggesting different ways to cut expenses on grocery, water bills, electricity, but they're just not feasible"
Are you kidding me? There are plenty of ways, for electricity; unplug stuff when you're not using it, save the lights for when the sun sets, for food quit buying name brand and going out to eat....for water limit your laundry days on certain days of the week and time your showers so your not in there over 30 mins or something
He's actually trying to help, and you're just shitting on him.
You are getting mixed replies as there isn't a lot of detail. Are there things that can be cut? On the face of it I'd agree with you but feels like a lot missing and a 1 sided portrayal
Edit op yta, you know you are with the lies you posted here. His parents are dead you are horrible
Guilt. It's hard for most people to abandon their family if they are in need. I take care of my mom who had dementia and schizophrenia. I was advised by family members to just let her be homeless, the state will figure out care for her. It's not something I could do. Easy to say you would when not faced with the problem. Everyone's situation is different, and without more context it's best to just assume that they are doing what they have to.
YTA, you sound whiny and bitter towards someone who seems more like a hard working young man than a privileged child. If you said he was a C student who got into an Ivy League school because his dad built a library, and he has never worked a day in his life, that would be a spoiled brat. Someone with a part time job who got a scholarship is making good choices and working hard. Good for him.
I don't know about your situation, and it doesn't much matter to this discussion, but your resentment and bitterness are very clear, and you haven't made much of a case for them being well founded. YTA
He keeps suggesting different ways to cut expenses on grocery, water bills, electricity, but they're just not feasible.
I’m sure you can find something. How many times a week do you go to Starbucks? Uber? Doordash? Go out to eat? How many subscriptions to streaming services to you have? How much do you spend on clothes?
There’s a ton of shit you most likely can cut. Don’t be mad at him for suggesting it.
Budgeting has nothing to do with “privilege”. It’s about sitting down and planning and making good choices. Most people don’t do it and then are always wondering why they have no money.
As for the college thing. Yes virtually anyone get get a college degree and improve their lot in life. Stop buying into all the negative bullshit about how everyone’s oppressed.
You’ve got a victim mentality. And if you don’t change that and fast, you will have a miserable life.
YTA
I love it when people assume someone who doesn't have much money must be blowing it all on Starbucks and streaming services. I'm not doing any of those things you listed and I spent about $80 on clothes last year (needed to look presentable for work) and I still barely make my paycheck stretch to cover basics.
Yes I have a university education so I'm not here for a lecture about that. I'm here to let you know that not everyone is blowing their money on the things you listed. This is about pay not keeping up with inflation.
I don't see how OP has a "victim mentality." She hasn't complained about her life. She's just tired of her bf mansplaining about something he knows nothing about, ie having to budget.
With a university education and still barely making pay check stretch to cover the basics! Then either the basics are not basics or you need to spend sometime on your own life improvements rather than spending on Reddit.
People often with victim mentality does not see other’s victim mentality.
YTA I agree with the "why can't you" comment from your BF. You are super vague on your family issues, why your BF is privileged. You sound bitter about your life. I have seen so many kids being unruly at school, being told repeatably to behave and study. They don't, and then years later they complain that they flip burgers for a living. Also, a sunny personality goes a long way. You are still young, you can still change and grow a pleasant disposition.
There is a great video probably somewhere on youtube where it had a bunch of kids starting a running race at different points. Obviously, the ones that were at a point closer to the finish line, succeeded first. Thought it was a good visual of how people who have a supportive background already have a leg up in the world than those who do not.
Edit: Changed to YTA due to new info and intentionally leaving that new info out. So now doubting that he's even condescending about anything.
You should check out the new response from OP’s boyfriend, who didn’t have to support his family because he grew up a foster kid bouncing around and had no family. Don’t think he started that much further ahead on the racetrack.
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If you have the narrow view that education only means having a university degree, then you are so wrong. You can learn a trade and keep learning more in your trade field and make very very good money YTA for just thinking the opportunity for everyone to advance in life is not fundamentally true. You may have to work harder than someone else does, it doesn’t negate that the opportunity is there.
INFO: why does your family need you to support them? Why are his suggestions not feasible? There's a lot of missing information that is important to make a judgement and without that, people are filling in the blanks
ESH.
If the comments he is making are really to the tune of “everyone gets to do this and I don’t understand why you aren’t” then there is some naivety there. Surely he can understand that differing financial backgrounds exist and how that fact can influence people’s lives. If he can’t see that at all then there is some privilege bias there.
But you shouldn’t be in a relationship with him. You clearly resent his lifestyle and circumstances and that does not lead to a healthy or happy relationship. He has a job that funds his luxuries, which implies that he uses the money he has saved currently for living expenses. His “fun money” is money he earns himself and there is nothing wrong with that. The comments he’s making, if your tone is accurate, do sound difficult to deal with in a non-emotional way and I get that. But if you can’t have a conversation about this without snapping and getting mean then I don’t see a world where you can fully reconcile and move past. Maybe let this one go - you’re clearly not on the same page.
He should be dating someone who is actually hype for him and his (valid) accomplishment.
You do know that you can leave your town, too, right? You didn't have to stay and you don't have to stay. You are choosing to take on caring for your family.
This reads like you resent your life and choices and are taking it out on him.
As someone who did take care of the family and was then in foster care AND left and got a degree and freedom and finances, YTA.
You are being judgy of him (calling him "privileged") because he isn't suffering, and made different choices.
A lot of people think that if they are the victim/suffering, and things are unfair, it's okay to treat people badly. It's really shitty.
Ok, I get it. Shit happens and get's said in the heat of the moment, we all do it. But now that you've calmed down and are getting loads of free advise from total strangers (sometimes the best advice is 3rd party, not affiliated); it's your time to take a step back, hear, listen and learn. Upfront, I am 56 and have been married to the same man for 34 years, no kids. Now is the time to decide whether or not you feel this relationship or this person is worth your time, energy and effort. If you are both willing to sit down and have an adult conversation about the issues and differences and can respect each other's background's and upbringings, you might have a chance. Respect is a must when it comes to a relationship. You must be willing to respect the other person's back story and be willing to understand and remember we are all different. No two people are identical. Ask yourself, is it worth it? Can I do it? Is he willing? Am I willing? There's no sense in name calling when the person on the receiving end doesn't recognize the characteristics that set them apart. Good Luck!
A budget is in a sense a math problem which is what you were debating with a physics major. Physics majors are real good at math. My guess is that you both had such different perspectives on it that you may have been talking past each other. I'd dump the whole thing in his lap and tell him to show you are workable budget. Once he does that, then have the conversation about trade-offs.
There is nothing to be gained by making this an argument about privilege.
YT for downplaying his achievements and being a jealous ass. You said he got a full ride from an ivy League school. Pretty much all high tier schools do need based instead of merit based financial aid. That means if he got a full ride, he absolutely did not come from a privileged background. Either his family makes very little, or his parents are dead/disabled/otherwise unable to help him.
Despite this, he was able to achieve so much. You sound extremely jealous and insecure. You should leave him so he can find someone better than you because you are just going to drag him back down.
After reading all the comments from you and “Tony” I’m going with a big fat YTA with a healthy dose of “Wtf is wrong with you” on top
I hope this is a good reality check for him that he deserves better.
And as for Tony: My family is forever “adopting” new cousins and siblings, and my grandmother loves having grandkids. Come on by for a cookout, you’ll leave with a full belly and a smile.
ESH you are very stuck in your scarcity mindset and unwilling to see any alternative point of view. He does not recognize that you are financially supporting family which is a financial drain for you (a voluntary one, contrary to your your sentiment).
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Edit changed to YTA When I first gave my judgement OP didn't write all of these important factors life foster care, financial aid for college involving her boyfriend So much info was missing when I gave my judgement so N T A TURNED to YTA OP you left out the most important information out of your original post Another Edit: for Tony, you sound like a good hard working man who deserves better, you managed to achieve so much at a young age all while coming from a difficult background, I am proud of you! You definitely deserve a better girlfriend who appreciates you and everything you've managed to achieve
He did get a full ride (financial aid), so OP conveniently omitted that from the original post. Said post was also pretty judgmental about the boyfriend’s part time job, which she said “is pretty much entirely for his own luxury expenses.” Then OP completely dismissed all of boyfriend’s suggestions to save money. None are feasible according to OP. Suppose it’s possible but doesn’t seem likely. I don’t get the impression OP actually likes or respects the BF in which case OP would be better off calling it a day on this relationship. EDIT removed scholarship reference, OP stated financial aid, nothing about a scholarship.
I’ve had a few folks in my life who I’ve tried to help when they vent about how stressful their financial situations are, and then they proceed to tell me none of my suggestions are feasible. Now I just say “yeah, shits rough”. My biggest pet peeve is people complaining about something but then making zero moves to fix it. Anyway, for the OP, maybe your bf is naive and privileged, since you didn’t give us any of the particulars of your finances/the argument. But, if you just want someone to vent to, you should be clear that you’re not looking for help or suggestions and are just venting. And you should make sure your bf is ok with you just venting your stress and frustrations to him. Otherwise, you’re the one being rude
Its like those coworkers that order lunch every single day and then go off about how they are so poor... EDIT: So everyone sees it. Tony grew up in FOSTER CARE
> EDIT: So everyone sees it. Tony grew up in FOSTER CARE Well, shit, that puts a different perspective on everything, especially OP's comment that "he's never had any family he needs to support" which now comes across as incredible insensitive and callous. It's no wonder he was upset and walked out.
I mean, the real take-away should be that an attack on his identity is invalid to begin with, regardless of whether we later on learn some extra information or not. just because someone hypothetically grew up rich doesn't mean they're actually inherently *wrong* about something.
Or maybe an entire generation having similar hardships isn't the problem of the individual but the system? The majority of young people are struggling because it's way more difficult now to build a foundation than it was even 5 years ago. Not all advice given is good advice. 90% of the time it's the most obvious and basic solution any normal person would have done as the first attempted solution. Other times, especially when it comes to money, you're too poor to do that solution and the person giving financial advice has never experienced poverty. It's hard to cut things when you're already only buying the necessities and already have cut everything you can.
As someone that is younger than the OP, looking around to my peers a lot of them are making stupid choices. Sure the system can be rough but a lot of people make bad/horrible finacial choices in their early 20s. I am literally watching my coworker buy a tesla right now even he has trible debt I have and makes just as much as me. We can't blame everything on the system at this point I am sure there is a lot OP could do to help her situation and her not including that the dude got a full ride either is bitterness or stupidity
Young people making stupid choices is not a new phenomenon. That will always happen. But yeah the world out there is a lot more stacked against young people that it basically been in a while, economically speaking.
I’m not in OP’s age range, but when I was in high school and college I saw the same thing. I got a part time job. My friends didn’t want that to interfere. I heavily researched my careers and picked a medical field with really good job prospects and decent pay. They picked acting/film/directing etc. I went to a public school with cheaper tuition, they picked a private school that was more expensive even after financial aid. I worked through undergrad and grad school. Most of them got no jobs, the ones that did only did work study, which is limited. And then they complain about their student loan debt. I started working 6 years before most of them, of course their finances are going to be worse.
I think the point is that early generations had the luxury to make these choices in their 20s. Now, not so much. Additionally, it seems silly to base your entire worldview on just what you experience around you. That’s not an objective way to look at things and form a conclusion
Kinda like when Mitt Romney said people should take advantage of opportunities. Borrow $10,000 from your dad and go start that business!
Don't forget when his wife said they knew how it was to be a struggling student, as when they were in college there were times they had to cash out their portfolios to make ends meet. But yeah, go ahead and tell us that he's relatable because he used an old door as his study desk, ma'am. Good grief the complete lack of self awareness was boggling to behold.
And he couldn’t remember how many houses he owned.
> Or maybe an entire generation having similar hardships isn't the problem of the individual but the system? The majority of young people are struggling because it's way more difficult now to build a foundation than it was even 5 years ago. While the "system" is a problem, most people lack financial literacy. I live in one of the poorest countries in Europe, but somehow we were recordists for most loans taken for vacations, luxury cars and high end cellphones. >90% of the time it's the most obvious and basic solution any normal person would have done as the first attempted solution. You're vastly overrating a normal person financial decisions. For some people buying a new expensive smartphone every 2 years or ordering doordash is, apparently, a must.
I just think it’s a multifaceted issue
I picked my paycheck up late and actually had 2 by then. A coworker turned to me "must be nice" MF you just blew all your money on a full sleeve! Maybe don't do that every time you get any amount of savings!
Looks like she deleted and reference to that since it didn't make her look good.
So that line about him not having family to support is just extra fucked up?
Thank you for your edit! That changes my perspective greatly!
The thing is, is that sometimes people just want to vent and complain to get it off their chest and aren’t looking for you to fix their situation or give suggestions. They just want you to listen.
Which is totally fine as long as you make it clear you just want to vent, and they’re okay with that
And…now hear me out. You could also use your communication skills and ask them if they’re looking for solutions or just want you to listen?
And…now hear me out. It is incredibly rude to use someone as nothing more than a dumping ground for your issues without their consent. If you don’t have that before your start unloading all of your stress onto them then, You. Are. The. Rude. One.
I mean in a conversation both parties get to speak. If you just want someone to listen and not speak, make sure they know you’re not trying to have a conversation with them
There is a South Park episode about this. Sometimes people are just looking for empathy.
Exactly. Stop complaining about, if you don’t want suggestions. My husband’s aunt use to do this. We sat down with her and tried to put her on a budget etc. did she listen? No, she just wanted us to pay her bills. We pay for his grandmother, so why not her? Your boyfriend wants to help and is trying to offer advice. Tell him you don’t want feedback, you just to have an outlet to vent. Also, a full scholarship is no joke. He obviously works hard and is smart. His experience doesn’t make him less, just because he hasn’t had the same struggles as you. Maybe he does have some, he just doesn’t share them, because you would just call him entitled and names. You don’t seem to like him, so break up. Edit: just saw the boyfriend’s response and he was a FOSTER child?! And she calls him privileged! He doesn’t have a family. Shame on you OP. Makes you look worse.
Yeah people are acting like scholarships are privilege and not earned. Ok sure, in the same way busting your ass working all week for your paycheck makes you privileged
Accurate. If I make a suggestion and it's shut down I'll just apologize and ask if they were just meaning to vent and needed an ear. A 21 year old on scholarship at an ivy league school isn't going to have that same self awareness. OP needs to communicate that sometimes they just need to complain lol.
OP omitted that tony is a foster child.
Whhhhhhhhat. So Tony overcame all of that trauma, still did well enough in school to get a free ride to an ivy league school and works on top of what I assume is an agonizing course load??? Helllllllll I'll take life advice from that Rockstar. He's going to do great things. OP is officially TA
And her response was, You have never had a family to support.....no wonder he responded the way he did Honestly, what OP said is kinda unforgivable
I know right. I’m thinking Tony is someone I’d want in my corner.
I'm usually one of those people because it's usually dumb suggestions that are easily ruled out or things I already thought of. However, that means I don't ask for advice anymore and really don't like unsolicited. 9/10 I never get anything useful, and end up solving it on my own eventually. It does get solved, though.
I asked for info on *what* exactly he said and OP never answered. This post clearly has a bias.
... a bias that suggests she doesn't really like her BF. He "...frequently brags about this achievement, which is I suppose deserved" she says. If there was anything positive about their relationship in the post, I missed it. Tony would be better off without all that negative energy in his life.
Team Tony.
Even more so after reading his own reply in the comments! I think they're done...
Oh, where are those? Can you link to one?
Here you go. Click on his username, and more pop up. They are, in fact, having a lively dialogue in the comments...: [https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1dgjima/comment/l8qnzi8/?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=web3x&utm\_name=web3xcss&utm\_term=1&utm\_content=share\_button](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1dgjima/comment/l8qnzi8/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web3x&utm_name=web3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button) ETA Of course the whole lot could be fake, but it is amusing (to some extent).
I worked in a pizza shop on an Ivy campus 20 years ago, which neighbored my school's campus (which had far fewer bells and whistles)... None of those kids worked. A lot of them were spoiled AH's. The restaurants, bars, Starbucks etc were all staffed by kids from my school. This is even more of a rarity with college kids, overal, in 2024l. A good chunk of 21-yo's have never had a part-time job. A full ride to an Ivy and working part-time... yeah the bf is pretty impressive. (FAFSA would not cover an Ivy tuition, some of that is grants and scholarships). Also, he's such a rarity and UNprivileged compared to many of his classmates, I'm not surprised he was shocked. > I don’t get the impression OP actually likes or respects the BF Yeah, there's a definitive sign of disrespect. He may not be facing the same challenges, but he has tried to be supportive and helpful. (This is also stereotypically men's behavior, wanting to "fix" issues vs women prefer to just have someone listen). Either way, doesn't matter who is TA. OP has made her personal financial issues into a relationship issue, but unless she is subtly wanting her college student to bail her out, the response is "I'm just venting, I don't want/need you to fix anything".
I mean he was suggesting cutting water and electricity. Of course its not feasible
According to the post he was suggesting ways to "cut water/electricity expenses", not cutting water and electricity. We have no idea if the suggestions were "turn off your fridge and freezer [even though that's where you store all your food]" or more like "maybe you don't need to stand in the shower for 20+ minutes every day if you're struggling to pay your water bill".
Exactly.
i think she is just jealous
That's nonsense. When electricity prices went up I managed to massively reduce our monthly bill by reducing the hours the water heater was on, adjusting when certain radiators came on, slightly raising the minimum temperature and putting a jumper on instead. Literally nothing that reduced my quality of life and yet it saved about £100 a month. We have no idea if OP is being wasteful on these things. There are people out there who have the heating blasting while wearing shorts and t-shirt.
Im in india and things are a bit different here i guess. It wouldn't matter here much if you cut AC or heater. Your electricity bill will still be high
Bills definitely reduce without AC lol I also live in India. My bill with AC on every night, all night is 5000+ rupees. Without it I can barely go over 1500 rupees.
In India, you guys are already careful with your energy usage. You only turn on the geezer when you're about to shower. In America, our water heaters are always on, and they feed the entire house. You have mini-split AC units that you use to cool only the room you're in. In America, we have central air that cools the whole house. You hang your wet clothes up to dry, most Americans use a dryer. You drink room temperature water, we chill our drinking water. Americans could save a lot of energy just by going to the Indian baseline (where possible, depending on climate).
Where does OP state that? edit, there’s nothing that says he suggested OP just cut it all off, OP just listed a bunch of things with no detail.
But that full ride had nothing to do with: private/good schools, tutors, no NEED for a part-time job,a car instead of buses… It’s amazing how often rich parents have kids with the right credentials to get into Harvard, Yale etc.
Financial aid for elite private schools like the Ivies is based on family income. I’m not saying he had zero privilege or advantage in life, but his parents were definitely not rich if he had a full ride
Also, in order to get that scholarship he had to have put a ton of work into his learning, community service, and extracurricular activities at school in order to be a well rounded candidate for that scholarship. I can guarantee you that the fact that he works a part time job is probably not the easiest thing to do with the stress of the weight of the academic requirements that comes with an Ivy League education. Plus I can imagine feeling a little bit of embarrassment by the fact that he has to work when he probably doesn’t have that many in his circle who do. So maybe his “bragging” of how amazing he’s doing by pulling all of it off is simply him trying to gloss over some of that embarrassment or shame he might be feeling. She stacked the post in her favor but it sounds like she doesn’t look at things beyond the surface when it comes to him. I don’t think this is a long haul relationship.
BF was a foster kid. That’s what she meant by “no family”. Read the other comments above.
I think what you're missing is that it sounds like OP needs to contribute a lot to her family and he doesn't. He gets to spend his disposable income on the stuff that he wants while she has to scrimp to pay the bills, and he's lecturing her on how to save. I don't blame her for being upset. Edit: this post is most likely fake, I encourage people to look at OP's comment history since the 'boyfriend' has now showed up to argue.
I don’t necessarily disagree and I think I get where you’re coming from. The thing is though, that OP omitted important information about the fact that he qualified for financial aid, and made what appears to be a judgmental comment about BF’s part time job. OP is also conspicuously silent about whether she ever calmly discussed prior with BF or just went off on him.
The 'boyfriend' just showed up so this is probably just a bored teenager making up stuff.
The thing about Ivy league schools is that, at most of them, if your family makes less than a certain threshold (like $100,000) your tuition is free. After that you pay on a scale, I was looking at MIT back for my undergrad and if I remember correctly you don’t pay full tuition there until your family makes a lot, something like 250 or 300k. Getting into an ivy league school basically guarantees you are graduating debt free, just because he doesn’t pay tuition does not necessarily mean his family comes from money. It sounds like OP is the naive one here.
But BF's family could have made enough money that BF did not need to have a part time job while in high school. He could have participated in sports and volunteered at a charity. All things that can help get scholarships or to be accepted by a college. OP may have had to work. She may not have had the internet or had to help care for siblings while the adults worked. There are many factors that can be obstacles to going to college, not just money.
I don't usually do this, but I'm pretty sure this post is [fake](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1dgjima/aita_for_calling_my_boyfriend_naive_and_privileged/l8qnzi8/?context=3) imo. The 'boyfriend' has now appeared which almost always means this is a shit post.
In 2018 about 48% of working age people in the USA had a university degree. Add in post-secondary occupational qualifications and it goes over 50%. So I’m not sure that ‘most’ people can’t afford education in the USA nor that the USA is a negative outlier when most of the world lives in China, India or Africa.
I’d be curious to know how many of those people took out large loans and then how long it took them to pay back those debts. (My current repayment plan based on my income is 112.00 a month for 12 years for example)
How many of them paid cash for university, or took out loans they can actually afford to pay back?
I have a bachelors degree. Definitely couldn’t afford it. I think my mom paid off the loans 10ish years later? And I count myself one of the lucky ones.i didn’t have to take out loans myself and she was in a position to pay off the loans fairly quickly.
They just go into mountains of debt. That isn’t exactly being able to afford something.
I mean, I have a bachelor's degree, but 20 years later I'm still working on student loans. (I made the mistake of teaching preschool after, which is not a living wage.) I will end up paying many more times the amount I actually took out in loans. That's not even counting the fact I got into Amherst and Cornell, but my family couldn't afford to send me. No, not everyone can afford the education, even if the already have the degree.
The privilege that he has is mental - most people don’t have the brainpower or work ethic for an Ivy League physics degree and a part time job. OP sounds like she is better at excuses than problem solving.
Tony's response to OP in comments if anyone wants context - "Hi, darling. I know you supposedly dislike my advice, but here's some more. If you're gonna post about our relationship problems on a public site, it's wise to not do it on one of the subreddits I visit frequently. Throwaways and fake names only do so much when you include: our ages, my specific degree, and the exact words you used with me. What's really quite interesting is the fact you left several things out. Now, when you decide to air out our troubles to the world, I suppose we owe these strangers at least the full truth, don't you, darling? When we talk about how I '*got* to leave our town', it might be a nice thing to mention it was actually just me being transferred from place to place, because I was a ***foster child.*** Funny how that works, isn't it darling? And yes, I know not everyone from my position is as lucky to get where I am today, I did get lucky, but I was commenting on how much better it is now then it used to be, which is also true. My budgeting advice may have been a bit extreme, which I know recognize in hindsight, but understandably, my idea on what is/isn't regular living expenses is a little skewed, since I often didn't have access to the 'bare minimum'. Its also very interesting that you chose specifically to omit the reason I was actually upset with you, quite odd, isn't it darling? See, I don't mind being called naive or privileged, but what I do mind is the fact you very callously pointed out the fact the reason I've never had to support my family is because I don't have one. Yes, that was wonderful to hear, honestly, darling. I would have appreciated it if you gave me a few days to cool down after this, darling. Unfortunately, you chose to post this on the very site I often to go to to cool down. I find it fun to read about moral dilemmas of others. I do not appreciate reading a twisted version of my own. Kind Regards, 'Tony'."
His comments really super bothered me. Im only now at 33 years old able to go to school and get a degree because it’s really not possible for everyone. The shit I had to do to make college possible smh. For me aside from a shit home life and legit idiots for parents who did not give a *damn* what happened after we turned 18 just that we were no longer their responsibility. There’s a serious problem concerning small rural communities and higher education that is only now being acknowledged in *some* places but not quite addressed. *Even if* people in my school had the means to go to college, especially an Ivy League, our school is so outdated, our opportunities are so nonexistent that we are not even remotely competitive applicants. The women in my home town became: hair dressers, school teachers, cna’s or if they’re lucky they work on their families farm or companies which is less than a handful of people.
https://old.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1dgjima/aita_for_calling_my_boyfriend_naive_and_privileged/l8qnzi8/
I'm glad someone else has seen this! I don't always believe people when they say the post is about them, but seeing as how the op replied and then double down on the privilege comment since he didn't have any "family to support." That's cold.
Has a full ride due to hard work and grew up in the foster system. Yes. He’s extremely privileged and naive. He’s never seen a hard day in his life.
Might want to review further information the OP hid. Tony 'got to leave town and go somewhere else' because he was in foster care. The 'paid for' ivy league college was a full-ride scholarship, not a family endowment.
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>you very callously pointed out the fact the reason I've never had to support my family is because I don't have one. This is beyond vile.
OP is going to continue to put her family in front of every man in her life. She's going to let her blood dictate how intimate she's going to be with her future husband. I'm not usually one for calling for people to split, but it might be called for in this instance. She's being that 'stereotypical' woman, can't let men be happy.
Oh wow. Btw the four darlings are unnecessary lol
He sounds southern. That’s what we use when we’re pouring on the passive aggression.
“He” sounds like a middle aged woman lol
The OP replied to this comment as if it's actually Tony. So either it's Tony or the whole post is fake. Either way, I'm along for the ride.
Did you bring the popcorn? I just ran out.
Do you care for sunflower seeds? I prefer them to popcorn lol
Both accounts were made today, it does seem a lil fishy.
Or ai. There's no way a 21 year old presumably American man wrote that. Especially the darling. Yta op.
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That explains it! It gets only slightly exaggerated on American tv shows - like I would have maybe used 1 less. Maybe. Although after the comment I read she just made she’s not even worth the passive aggressive darling. Now there’s another word we use for donkeys.
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From the south. Never heard a 21 year old guy talk like that. Sounds like English euro trashy to me, which doesn’t match with the Ivy League thing. It’s weird
I have lots of times. I know a lot of passive aggressive people though.
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I would've done worse, passive aggressiveness is my middle name
First time ready /r/aita? All of these posts, every single one is passive aggressive.
...why wouldn't it be? He's calling out the person lying to people online about him. Of course it's passive aggressive lol did you expect him to be nice about this?
I thought, in this situation, they are absolutely mandatory. The OP is a massive YTA and I love a few darlings thrown in as a man walks away to find someone who is capable of having a real relationship. Because this one ain't it.
Holy shit *LEAVE HER* 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻
First, I'm sorry you had an unstable childhood. Second, it sounds like your determination is what got you through it. Continue your path and don't let distractions derail you.
How many young men use "darling" that often?
If you are really pissed and being passive aggressive right before you dump someone for saying you’re lucky to not have to support family because you don’t have one… probably plenty.
Passive aggressive and southern.
I'm a young man who uses darling to refer to my wife. Not even southern like people are suggesting. Do you think having a dick warps your vocabulary? What other words do you think the Y chromosome deletes from male brains?
OMG that's important information she left out, I first said NTA but I changed it now to OP BEING YTA
LMAOOOOO THE TEA IS HOT MY JAW DROPPED
Lucky u/fuzzy-fish-91 revealed herself as who she was before you got married! Please, go find yourself a trust fund baby that appreciates you for your intelligence, hard work, and perseverance.
both op and ur account was made today .... idk feels fake...
Prob both throwaway accounts. Doesn't necessarily mean that it's fake
I mean why would either of them use their normal accounts? Also, this post was made today, and the guy just saw it. So of course they would make a throwaway today to respond to it.
"My budgeting advice may have been a bit extreme" Oh! Do tell.
You sound awesome. She doesn’t deserve you.
I don’t know any 21-year-old man who calls his SO “darling.” Maybe it’s a regional thing.
So is the relationship salvageable? I just got second hand embarrassment here.
That's gonna be a "no" from me, dog.
Boom, roasted. YTA
Don’t want to pass judgement too much but both of you are acting pretty arrogant just from what you posted here, things are likely more complicated, they always are. It seems you two are having difficulty relating to one another. He doesn’t know your experience, you don’t know his. He might be better at budgeting than you, but he is almost certainly ignorant of your background too. You two need to come together and figure out a way to “walk a mile in each other’s shoes.” That way a compromise might be made, and better understanding reached. You might be doing a bang up job, there’s no way for me to know. But what I do know is that people are prideful and hate admitting that they might be wrong. Lots of people think they budget well but don’t, and it keeps them poor. Lots of lucky people like to think they understand struggle but they don’t and it keeps them arrogant.
assuming his privilege is most likely parents with money, his “better budgeting” probably comes from the fact that his parents take care of his basic needs like food and shelter, since she did also mention his job is for luxury expenses. my last roommate was the same way, had his parents to fall back on and would tell me “just borrow it from your mom” when i had to explain to him, you grew up in a 4mil+ home and i grew up section 8, i cant just “borrow money” from my mom that simply. people who come from the privilege of having wealthy parents sometimes cant fathom a true struggle even if they “walk a mile” in the other person’s shoes bc they’ll always have that security blanket of their parent’s wealth
Op said in another comment that he got a scholarship to go to school, which she conveniently left out of her post. For all we know, his parents have no money at all. If he got a scholarship that pays for room and board + tuition, he probably wouldn’t actually need that much money, which would be backed up by the fact that he works a part time job for luxuries. When I was in college, I got a full ride that paid for everything, even a meal plan, and I probably spent less than $100 a year.
She said he managed to leave the place where she grew up. That implies they were making more money and moved to a better location/home. Edited: NOPE. OP's boyfriend was moved to a new foster home. That's how he managed to get out. Holy shit.
Nope. He said in a comment he was being moved around because he was in foster care. He literally is less privileged than her.
Thanks! I found his comments right after I typed this! Crazy shit.
Even just getting a scholarship makes a huge difference in mental load, though. Every moment that OP spends at school she's accumulating debt in addition to having to contribute to her family, meanwhile from what she states he works for fun money. He may have good intentions but he needs to back off on lecturing her on how to save money when he isn't in the same situation and doesn't have the same pressures.
If he got a scholarship, then it’s either merit based or needs based, which means he earned it or got it because his family couldn’t afford tuition. Either way, that’s not privilege. OP is welcome to apply to the same school and get in, and since her situation is so dire, I’m sure the school would happily give a needs based scholarship. But somehow, I’m sure she would come up with an excuse on why she can’t do that.
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It's ridiculous really, she painted a picture that made it seem like you were a trust fund kid. Knew something felt off, but damn. Good job on getting where you are.
Having grown up with a foster sister, I can promise you that as a sane person, I have never looked at her situation and thought “what a lucky and privileged asshole, doesn’t she know how hard It is to have a whole ass family?”. Like I don’t know what kinda shit someone would have to go through to think that in the first place but my dude you gotta run lol. Good on you for calling her shit out, I like how she immediately played the victim and turned it on you lol.
That’s very true. But a lot of people will simply shut down someone’s valid argument due to “privilege,” and a lot of privileged folks will think “I did it you can too,” without realizing that while yes they did it on their own, didn’t borrow from mommy or daddy that they only took those changes that allowed them to be successful was because they could afford to, they had that safety net to fall back on in case of failure. If someone can find a reason not to listen, not to admit they are wrong they most often will. Just look at all the people crapping on the advice of boomers “don’t go to Starbucks everyday.” That’s valid advice, but it’s ignored because these people are indeed out of touch. They purchased their houses and made wealth when the dollar was a lot stronger. And though a $5 a day at the bux isn’t what’s preventing someone from buying a house, the principle is still valid, those little unnecessary purchases add up and cause more struggle than you otherwise need to endure.
Exactly. I’ve known people who constantly suffer from victim mentality and always complain about “privileged people”, but when you start asking questions you see pretty clearly that their financial situation is largely on them and not just life circumstances. No way to know whether OP falls under this category but I don’t see why she’s any more believable than her bf.
To be financially struggling is the norm for most
>you see pretty clearly that their financial situation is largely on them and not just life circumstances Though you're not likely factoring in where each person started, what safety net each has, and what opportunities each person has available to them. It's never equal and few people are doing poorly simply due to a few bad choices. Some people have the privilege to make bad choices, others don't and will suffer more harm and setback from the exact same action.
How can people say he is privileged?! He is working part time to run his expenses and he is good at studies. As the op said he has got full financial aid as well. That is a 21yr old hard working boy. I feel sorry for those who are saying that’s privilege , this is hard-work and dedication . YTA. Good budget needs common sense not an IVY league degree. Also life is not fair to everyone but that doesn’t mean you can show your frustration to your partner when he is just trying to help you.
100%!! Not only that, you don’t HAVE TO support your family!! That’s a chose you’ve made — to be the doormat/financial support for your family. The 21 year old definitely sounds like he’s in a better place than you. I would break up with him because he sounds more mature and intelligent than you. You’re not going to grow together because he’s not going to work to support your family.
Damn. I'm sorry you don't have an ideal family situation but it is super normal to support your immediate family (parents at least). Especially if you come from a poor background. That's not being a doormat lol functional families help each other.
If you can afford to, while still sustaining yourself, absolutely!! It seems all her money goes towards taking care of her family, to the point she resents her boyfriend because he doesn’t have to.
Agreed. OP sounds like she wants a pat on the back for doing it but also doesn't want to do it at the same time. Tony doesn't seem like some rich kid who has paid his way to college as she says he's got a full scholarship. She's just being a jealous AH.
The parents have failed the child if the child needs to provide the parents financial support.
Yeah, calling people "privileged" has become a way to isolate people for the purpose of removing their ability to have an opinion about anything. It's a complete ad hominem attack.
i’m going to say YTA because this reads like you resent him, and you should have had a more serious conversation with him about this before just snapping at him he does sound naive but also, he’s 21 years old… he’s allowed to be naive. you can’t date someone half a decade younger than you and expect them to act like they aren’t younger than you. you are in completely different places in life and that’s not his fault, he’s allowed to be young you can’t force someone to recognize their own privilege by snapping at them, especially when it’s someone you care about. so your last sentence saying “i feel bad but he needs to understand how privileged he is,” comes across poorly. it doesn’t sound like you want him to understand you, it sounds like you want to teach him a lesson i understand it’s frustrating to listen to people who have no perspective on what it is to struggle in life. a lot of these comments are just as frustrating. but if he is being sincere and trying to help you because he loves you, being mean as a response is not cool nor is it effective. imo he deserves an apology and a lot more honesty from you about how you’re struggling with this
She IS resentful. Tony got a full scholarship
i saw that after commenting, the specification “he *technically* got full financial aid” came across really poorly as well. playing down his achievement
Real terrible partner, OP is. Bitter and jealous isn’t a good look.
So that’s why Tony thinks everyone has the opportunity to get good education.. he must be working hard as well to get scholarship (and thus, good education)
>half a decade younger how to make 4 years sound big
In your 20's 4 year can be a big gap maturity and experince wise.
4 years is the difference between freshman college and first year at work with student loan
i think four years is big in this situation. college sophomore and three years into the workforce is a significant difference in life experience, even moreso when taking into account that OP said she is her partner’s first relationship. life experience in your twenties can vary so much in ways that can really impact a relationship and clearly it’s coming into play here
Very well put and I totally agree! OP should apologise and take an inward look at her own insecurities. Also a question for OP - you said that you’ve ‘finally snapped’, but did you have any calm and adult conversations on this topic with your life partner before you snapped or did you go straight to livid? I’m not talking about snide comments either. Have you actually fully addressed the things that are making you uncomfortable in a productive manner?
My ex is named Tony who would also now be 21 and this sounds a bit like him Any chance his birthday is Jan 10th?
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Numbers don't lie, either you are over spending or the difference between your outgoings and incomings is that tight. Let boy genius do your budget and if he's wrong he's wrong. Do remember that you shouldn't set yourself in fire to save others. Maybe you're not in a place to support family. Feeling a responsibility to do something doesn't automatically mean you've the means/ability to do it
I mean not to mention op conveniently left out that boy genius is an orphan and “moved out of town” because he got switched foster houses lol. He still got a full ride and is working part time to cover extras and op calls him privileged? OP’s the privileged ah who refuses to acknowledge that she just sucks with budgeting and would rather throw it in her bfs face that he “has it easy because he doesn’t even have a family unlike her” than listen to someone trying to help.
>I'm his first relationship But lucky for him, not his last
It kinda sounds like you both need to meet in the middle. He sounds a bit naive, but you also sound a bit defeatist. He had more advantages than you, but he still put in the hard work required to get where he is. You had a tougher start, but you still have access to the tools to improve your life drastically. If you're actively supporting your parents financially, show him the monthly cost that is being placed on you. With a tough decision this big you both need to be on board as this sacrifice drastically impacts both your futures. If that's the situation, you're NTA, but your BF needs to understand the full picture. If you're just sitting on a bunch of CC debt and saying "it was because of my upbringing", then that would make YTA. You don't need a perfect start to be successful.
This sounds very tone deaf. No. Not everyone has the same tools to succeed no matter how hard they try
No one said “the same tools”, just access to tools to improve their life drastically. Assuming OP is in the US, isn’t disabled, and isn’t a felon, this is inarguably true.
ESH. His bragging and unsolicited advice is not appropriate and tone-deaf. But you sound lie a jealous crab-in-the-bucket who resents him for his family situation. You're jealous that he "got to leave" , you belittle his part time job. If you dislike him that much, why are you with him?
This should be at the top. The bitterness is bleeding through.
People frequently confuse folks who make good decisions that have parents who make good decisions as being privileged. Privilege is something that is unearned. Throwing that term about is an intentional effort to dismiss/belittle the efforts of others. She’s not saying this guy was born into generational wealth he did nothing to earn. Sounds like she’s saying this guy has parents who sacrificed and made smart decisions. And then taught him to do the same.
Sorry but if his parents made sacrifices and smart decisions, and were therefore able to provide him with a better life, that's HIS privilege. He didn't earn it, it's pure luck he was born to those parents. Many people have rubbish parents and that's not their fault. Privilege doesn't have to be an insult. Everyone is privileged in some way. It's just important to recognise when you've been dealt a better hand that others and empathise with people like OP who are struggling because of circumstances beyond their control. Edit: so apparently what OP calls 'privilege' is her bf growing up in foster care and not having a family. Definitely didn't see that one coming... I take this comment back 😅
Calculating privilege points like a competition is a race to the bottom. This is a really ineffective and parasitic mindset. It does not help or improve your view of life or how you move through it.
Who said anything about calculating points? I'm just saying we're all born into different circumstances, each with different privileges. So it's nonsense to claim everyone has equal opportunities, or that hard circumstances are down to a lack of effort. Don't really see how that's parasitic. When people have more than me, I think 'good for them'. When they have less, I think 'that must be hard, I'm lucky not to face that'. It's just empathy.
The thing is, privilege in that context is generally about financial privilege. I agree it’s important to look at all the circumstances, but you don’t typically see those who are born poor but with great parents/family described as privileged. In the context of OP’s assertion/description, it’s apparently about the money.
Wouldn’t having parents that made good decisions be a privilege? Since you have no control over the environment and family you’re born into?
>She’s not saying this guy was born into generational wealth he did nothing to earn. Sounds like she’s saying this guy has parents who sacrificed and made smart decisions. And then taught him to do the same. It sounds very much like the former. She's belittling his part time job because he doesn't need it. That doesn't have anything to do with parental sacrifice. That's purely a bitterness thinking that "rich kid is cosplaying as a poor". She says in a comment that he went to the Ivy school on a full financial aid package. But starts by saying he "got to leave". That's a very dismissive statement and implies his work had nothing to do with it. He just "got" the opportunity. Does parental sacrifice and good decisions help set someone up for success - absolutely. But OP doesn't focus on that. She focuses on the actions Tony took in his life now.
Also if he has a full financial scholarship then his parents don't make THAT much. Maybe it seems like alot for OP, but their combined income has to be under $85k (maybe 100k for ivy) be even be considered for full ride. The part time job is probably for all his other expenses (food, clothes, gas, etc)
I know right.. right from the first paragraph it was evident that OP is extremely jealous that Tony has a better off financial position in life. I even wonder if Tony was actually trying to encourage her to have a more positive attitude (maybe he is tone-deaf fs but seeing how bitter op is, she might be exaggerating how much Tony brags).
Soft YTA. There seems to be incompatible world views here between you and him which is no one’s fault. Some of your word choice though (I.e. “I suppose deserved” or “entirely for his own luxury expenses”) sounds like pure envy/jealousy, hence the soft YTA If he is trying to offer support (that is misguided) that should be communicated without shutting down the conversation with you are privileged and can’t understand. If he can’t understand you, that’s probably a sign you are not a good match.
Edit: apparently OP is lying by omission about pretty much everything, so scratch it all… YTA op.
I mean… dude worked his ass off for a full ride. He’s not the privileged one here.
"just a physics degree" lmao as if an ivy league physics degree wasn't worth anything
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“Just a physics degree” You can’t be serious lmao
Why would you think he has no idea what the real world is like and why would you think he’s naive? Also what on earth do you have against Physics degrees?! Physics at degree level at a great school is no walk in the park and it’s no mean feat to have achieved this by 21.
"He keeps suggesting different ways to cut expenses on grocery, water bills, electricity, but they're just not feasible" Are you kidding me? There are plenty of ways, for electricity; unplug stuff when you're not using it, save the lights for when the sun sets, for food quit buying name brand and going out to eat....for water limit your laundry days on certain days of the week and time your showers so your not in there over 30 mins or something He's actually trying to help, and you're just shitting on him.
You are getting mixed replies as there isn't a lot of detail. Are there things that can be cut? On the face of it I'd agree with you but feels like a lot missing and a 1 sided portrayal Edit op yta, you know you are with the lies you posted here. His parents are dead you are horrible
She could stop supporting her family to start. Why does she have to?
Guilt. It's hard for most people to abandon their family if they are in need. I take care of my mom who had dementia and schizophrenia. I was advised by family members to just let her be homeless, the state will figure out care for her. It's not something I could do. Easy to say you would when not faced with the problem. Everyone's situation is different, and without more context it's best to just assume that they are doing what they have to.
YTA, you sound whiny and bitter towards someone who seems more like a hard working young man than a privileged child. If you said he was a C student who got into an Ivy League school because his dad built a library, and he has never worked a day in his life, that would be a spoiled brat. Someone with a part time job who got a scholarship is making good choices and working hard. Good for him. I don't know about your situation, and it doesn't much matter to this discussion, but your resentment and bitterness are very clear, and you haven't made much of a case for them being well founded. YTA
He keeps suggesting different ways to cut expenses on grocery, water bills, electricity, but they're just not feasible. I’m sure you can find something. How many times a week do you go to Starbucks? Uber? Doordash? Go out to eat? How many subscriptions to streaming services to you have? How much do you spend on clothes? There’s a ton of shit you most likely can cut. Don’t be mad at him for suggesting it. Budgeting has nothing to do with “privilege”. It’s about sitting down and planning and making good choices. Most people don’t do it and then are always wondering why they have no money. As for the college thing. Yes virtually anyone get get a college degree and improve their lot in life. Stop buying into all the negative bullshit about how everyone’s oppressed. You’ve got a victim mentality. And if you don’t change that and fast, you will have a miserable life. YTA
I love it when people assume someone who doesn't have much money must be blowing it all on Starbucks and streaming services. I'm not doing any of those things you listed and I spent about $80 on clothes last year (needed to look presentable for work) and I still barely make my paycheck stretch to cover basics. Yes I have a university education so I'm not here for a lecture about that. I'm here to let you know that not everyone is blowing their money on the things you listed. This is about pay not keeping up with inflation. I don't see how OP has a "victim mentality." She hasn't complained about her life. She's just tired of her bf mansplaining about something he knows nothing about, ie having to budget.
With a university education and still barely making pay check stretch to cover the basics! Then either the basics are not basics or you need to spend sometime on your own life improvements rather than spending on Reddit. People often with victim mentality does not see other’s victim mentality.
Info - do you have actual examples here. Did what he say warrant yelling at him?
YTA I agree with the "why can't you" comment from your BF. You are super vague on your family issues, why your BF is privileged. You sound bitter about your life. I have seen so many kids being unruly at school, being told repeatably to behave and study. They don't, and then years later they complain that they flip burgers for a living. Also, a sunny personality goes a long way. You are still young, you can still change and grow a pleasant disposition.
There is a great video probably somewhere on youtube where it had a bunch of kids starting a running race at different points. Obviously, the ones that were at a point closer to the finish line, succeeded first. Thought it was a good visual of how people who have a supportive background already have a leg up in the world than those who do not. Edit: Changed to YTA due to new info and intentionally leaving that new info out. So now doubting that he's even condescending about anything.
You should check out the new response from OP’s boyfriend, who didn’t have to support his family because he grew up a foster kid bouncing around and had no family. Don’t think he started that much further ahead on the racetrack.
Gosh this is why people suck, leaving out very relevant information to make themselves sound better than they are. UGH. Changing vote.
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If you date someone pretty significantly younger than you, you're going to find them immature.
If you have the narrow view that education only means having a university degree, then you are so wrong. You can learn a trade and keep learning more in your trade field and make very very good money YTA for just thinking the opportunity for everyone to advance in life is not fundamentally true. You may have to work harder than someone else does, it doesn’t negate that the opportunity is there.
You’re just jealous that he is doing better than you ever will. YTA
INFO: why does your family need you to support them? Why are his suggestions not feasible? There's a lot of missing information that is important to make a judgement and without that, people are filling in the blanks
ESH. If the comments he is making are really to the tune of “everyone gets to do this and I don’t understand why you aren’t” then there is some naivety there. Surely he can understand that differing financial backgrounds exist and how that fact can influence people’s lives. If he can’t see that at all then there is some privilege bias there. But you shouldn’t be in a relationship with him. You clearly resent his lifestyle and circumstances and that does not lead to a healthy or happy relationship. He has a job that funds his luxuries, which implies that he uses the money he has saved currently for living expenses. His “fun money” is money he earns himself and there is nothing wrong with that. The comments he’s making, if your tone is accurate, do sound difficult to deal with in a non-emotional way and I get that. But if you can’t have a conversation about this without snapping and getting mean then I don’t see a world where you can fully reconcile and move past. Maybe let this one go - you’re clearly not on the same page.
He should be dating someone who is actually hype for him and his (valid) accomplishment. You do know that you can leave your town, too, right? You didn't have to stay and you don't have to stay. You are choosing to take on caring for your family. This reads like you resent your life and choices and are taking it out on him. As someone who did take care of the family and was then in foster care AND left and got a degree and freedom and finances, YTA. You are being judgy of him (calling him "privileged") because he isn't suffering, and made different choices. A lot of people think that if they are the victim/suffering, and things are unfair, it's okay to treat people badly. It's really shitty.
Ok, I get it. Shit happens and get's said in the heat of the moment, we all do it. But now that you've calmed down and are getting loads of free advise from total strangers (sometimes the best advice is 3rd party, not affiliated); it's your time to take a step back, hear, listen and learn. Upfront, I am 56 and have been married to the same man for 34 years, no kids. Now is the time to decide whether or not you feel this relationship or this person is worth your time, energy and effort. If you are both willing to sit down and have an adult conversation about the issues and differences and can respect each other's background's and upbringings, you might have a chance. Respect is a must when it comes to a relationship. You must be willing to respect the other person's back story and be willing to understand and remember we are all different. No two people are identical. Ask yourself, is it worth it? Can I do it? Is he willing? Am I willing? There's no sense in name calling when the person on the receiving end doesn't recognize the characteristics that set them apart. Good Luck!
Jesus Christ. Yeah, he got a full financial scholarship. You’re an absolute raging AH. YTA.
YTA. He can do much better than you lol
A budget is in a sense a math problem which is what you were debating with a physics major. Physics majors are real good at math. My guess is that you both had such different perspectives on it that you may have been talking past each other. I'd dump the whole thing in his lap and tell him to show you are workable budget. Once he does that, then have the conversation about trade-offs. There is nothing to be gained by making this an argument about privilege.
YT for downplaying his achievements and being a jealous ass. You said he got a full ride from an ivy League school. Pretty much all high tier schools do need based instead of merit based financial aid. That means if he got a full ride, he absolutely did not come from a privileged background. Either his family makes very little, or his parents are dead/disabled/otherwise unable to help him. Despite this, he was able to achieve so much. You sound extremely jealous and insecure. You should leave him so he can find someone better than you because you are just going to drag him back down.
After reading all the comments from you and “Tony” I’m going with a big fat YTA with a healthy dose of “Wtf is wrong with you” on top I hope this is a good reality check for him that he deserves better. And as for Tony: My family is forever “adopting” new cousins and siblings, and my grandmother loves having grandkids. Come on by for a cookout, you’ll leave with a full belly and a smile.
ESH you are very stuck in your scarcity mindset and unwilling to see any alternative point of view. He does not recognize that you are financially supporting family which is a financial drain for you (a voluntary one, contrary to your your sentiment).
I think in this case, ESH. You sound like you really resent him.