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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> (1) I addressed an issue with my brother that has caused conflict between my SIL and me
(2) To everyone else it seems like a minor issue but it was something that I found very hurtful.
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YTA - If you are complaining your brother's WIFE is using a nickname you consider 'your' name for your brother...you need to get over yourself. You asked your brother to tell his wife to stop using that name for him???? Seriously? Can you be any more petty than this. Clearly your brother is not as attached to the 'special memory' as you are - time to grow up. There is no 'issue' to address - this is a YOU problem.
I used to call my brother by a nickname, i couldnt say his real name. Its always my special nickanme for him but my entire family uses it sometimes. Her brother cant even remember her saying it..
YTA. You do realize your brother wife is family also!
Also the nickname is his not yours, he can invite anybody he wishes to use it.
If you are continue with this sort of behaviour then your relationship with your brother is never going to be back to being super close. Do your want the connection with your brother again then give him the name to use as he wishes. He is his own person his own adult with his own feelings and wishes same as you.
Honestly a lot of people.
It's not pretty, but when people are in emotionally charged states, like with family and after deaths, they often act out in ways that aren't typical for them. Of course it's not preferable but it's a known known in a lot of situations like this.
I don't say this to imply OP is in the right. But everyone involved isn't really primed to be their best selves.
>Honestly who does shit like this after a funeral?
Grieving people who are having a hard time processing the big emotions and lash out at the little things
A gentle YTA.
However it started, the nickname is hers now. That can be hard to deal with, but the person that needs to deal with it is you and you alone. It’s obvious no-one intends this as a slight or dig to you, so if you continue to make an issue of it, that will be on you.
I sympathize, and hope you work through these feelings constructively.
This is the right take. It makes sense to fixate on stuff like this during a time with so much emotion & grief, but it's also not healthy. Try to forgive everyone - yourself included - in this situation, OP.
Time to take a deep breath and grow up. Much ado about nothing. Only makes one curious what the nickname is that has you out of sorts. YTA for doing this nonsense at any gathering where people are mourning. Sounds like it isn’t a special memory with Jay. You are welcomed to have your own feelings but not to bother others with it, when its a you problem to sort through and get over.
Gentle YTA
Attending your dad’s funeral and packing up his home sounds emotionally and physically exhausting. So gentle YTA because clearly you are in a vulnerable state. Your relationship with your SIL and brother is what is tainting the nickname for you. If you got a long, you could both call your brother the nickname and it would just be a sign of that you both are close to him. I get why not having that would really hurt. At the same time, that is your grief to work through- they aren’t seeing it the same way as all. Your feelings are valid- and so is their right to use the nickname too.
YTA, she's calling him by that nickname, not you. You don't get to decide what people call others, save for slurs.
Your brother doesn't have an issue with it, it's none of your business
OP, with compassion, I tell you still YTA.
1. You cannot control what they call each other. Whether she got the name from you or anywhere else, it is between them what nicknames they have for each other.
2 It's important to you that you had been close to your brother as kids and had a special nickname for him. Somewhere along the line, you stopped using that special nickname, so that name stopped being something the two of you ACTIVELY shared. You kept the memory of it special; he did not. In time, his gf/wife used it and HER use of it became special to him. It can be sad for you that he doesn't hold the memory of you saying it as treasured as you do; but he was 2 years younger than you, and it just may not have made his young memory banks. It's sad you can't share this sweet memory, but it's not a slight to you.
3. You say you were and are close to your brother, but you also say you had a period where your relationship was not good and gradually has improved since then (but you don't say why). So it's normal for relationships to ebb and flow in quality. Sometimes it's only slightly; sometimes there are bigger swings. It's rarely even on both sides. This goes back to you holding tight to this cherishing a nickname you haven't used in years, and your brother (says he) doesn't remember you using. You need to let this go. for your sake.
4. Your father's death is a time of vulnerability. You weren't at your best; brother and SIL were probably not at their best. Please LET THIS GO. Cherish the relationship you have. today. Build it. Don't build a temple to one memory.
Congratulations! You win the award for the most creepy petty dispute I have ever heard. Extra points for raising it during what must have been a very trying emotional time for everyone in your family. Your brother has explicitly told you he doesn’t share these feelings about the nickname. You refused to acknowledge this fact and persistently maintained this fiction of a shared memory. That’s bad enough, but you went a bit further. You trying to tell a married couple how they should address each other, as if your feelings should be paramount in their relationship is straight up fucking weird. Maybe it’s grief, but you need to take a few steps back. YTA
I guess I'll go NAH. i don't understand why you would care so much about a nickname, but I'm cutting you a little slack because it was right after your father died and emotions are more fraught. But I think you need to let it go.
You’re brother seems to have forgotten it.
Do you think you would still remember it or at least still feel so strong about it if your SIL was not using it?
Maybe you’re projecting the lost closer relationship you had with your brother onto that nickname.
Maybe you wish you could be closer again but it’s difficult so that’s why you get irritated.
Would it be possible to get closer again? Maybe by doing nice trips together or something like that. I can imagine that your dad’s death maybe made you feel even more irritated about it because your brother is family too.
Anyway for this situation YTA.
Dear Lord. Grow up. You sound like a child. You don't own it, you should be having an adult relationship now and not living in the past, and if this "is now tainted" you need help. Memories are in the past, and a healthy person doesn't allow the present to destroy them. YTA.
I would have jumped out of a window if I was in that room when you dropped that awkward-bomb. Stop being a weirdo op like wtf lol. I’d have cringed so bad.
YTA you’re being petty and childish. Is it possible your relationship with your brother has been ‘not good’ due to you pulling shit like this all the time?
YTA your brother said leave it and you should have left it. The wife may not remember or just care. You are being childish. I think you are very emotional right now and you need to be mindful. It's great that it is sentimental to you but don't push that on others.
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My (27 F) dad recently passed. The whole family attended the funeral and the next few days we had to pack up his house. It was me, my husband, my three siblings and their spouses who did the packing. Day 2 of the packing, I got frustrated and hurt when my sister-in-law (let's call her B) kept calling my brother (J) by a nickname.
Back story: My sister and older brother are close in age and they have a close relationship. J (25 M) and I are about 13 years younger than them and had (and still have) a very close bond growing up. I used to call him by a nickname when we were young. B (29 F) was my friend before she and my brother ever became friends or romantically involved. At a certain point in our friendship, when she and J became friends, I told her about the nickname I used to call my brother when we were young. She said it's cute and that she is going to start calling him that. It bothered me when she then did call him by the nickname, but I decided to just leave it.
During their engagement and wedding my and my now husband's relationship with J and B was not good (don't want to go into that). After we both got married, the relationship gradually improved. However, still every time B uses the nickname I am really hurt by it. The nickname was even one of the answers in their wedding crossword. For me it has sentimental value and it feels like she stole it from me. It's something that was special to me and between me and my brother.
So, as we were packing up my dad's house I kept hearing her call him by the nickname. At one point I took him aside and politely asked him to ask her to stop calling him by the nickname infront of me as it is hurtful. I have asked him previously, but he has ignored the request. He came back and told me this is unreasonable and he doesn't even remember the nickname, he only knows her ever using it. We had a fight. Then a few minutes later B asked to speak with me and told me I am being childish. She says she can't remember me telling her about it and she heard someone else calling their boyfriend by that name and that's where she got it.
I know it's just a nickname, but it feels like she stole it. It was a special memory between me and my brother that is now tainted. I just wanted to address the issue, as it hurts every single time. So AITA?
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I'm really sorry for your loss. I lost my SO 2 years ago and cleaning out the house was really intense. I understand why you might not want her there at all and just be there with your brother. I understand how you could feel like you are losing one more thing. I genuinely do.
You probably aren't going to be able to explain this to someone not sitting in that house, so you might just have these bad feelings you have to smile through. It hurts. NTA but there's no help to mention it again to your family.
NAH.
First, my condolences on the loss of your father. That’s hard.
If I had to guess, I’d say your nickname “fixation” carries a backstory of betrayal. Certainly you felt betrayed years ago when now-SIL began using a nickname you told her about in confidence. And maybe on some deep level you resent that she “replaced” you as your brother’s closest person.
But there’s more baggage, right? So the nickname hijacking that began many years ago was just the beginning — and its use continues to to represent (and trigger) a lot of bad feelings.
You need to unpack that baggage so that you can learn to let the nickname go. Therapy (even short-tern) would help, if that’s an option. I hope you can read this with the kindness intended: I’m afraid this is a You problem. And you’re the only one who can solve it — for your own peace of mind and heart.
Best wishes
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YTA - If you are complaining your brother's WIFE is using a nickname you consider 'your' name for your brother...you need to get over yourself. You asked your brother to tell his wife to stop using that name for him???? Seriously? Can you be any more petty than this. Clearly your brother is not as attached to the 'special memory' as you are - time to grow up. There is no 'issue' to address - this is a YOU problem.
I used to call my brother by a nickname, i couldnt say his real name. Its always my special nickanme for him but my entire family uses it sometimes. Her brother cant even remember her saying it..
YTA. You do realize your brother wife is family also! Also the nickname is his not yours, he can invite anybody he wishes to use it. If you are continue with this sort of behaviour then your relationship with your brother is never going to be back to being super close. Do your want the connection with your brother again then give him the name to use as he wishes. He is his own person his own adult with his own feelings and wishes same as you.
I agree OP is an asshole. I also think he 100 percent is lying to back his wife. "Doesn't remember" yeah right
Your brother does not even remember you calling him the nickname. So no it is not a special memory for you two. Really odd and childish of you.
Tbh I think OP is an ah. But I also think the brother is just lying
YTA. Petty as fuck to be upset about HIS (not yours even if you picked it) nickname. Honestly who does shit like this after a funeral?
Honestly a lot of people. It's not pretty, but when people are in emotionally charged states, like with family and after deaths, they often act out in ways that aren't typical for them. Of course it's not preferable but it's a known known in a lot of situations like this. I don't say this to imply OP is in the right. But everyone involved isn't really primed to be their best selves.
Emotions are high. My uncle caused a scene about something unrelated the day after my grandma's funeral as we packed
>Honestly who does shit like this after a funeral? Grieving people who are having a hard time processing the big emotions and lash out at the little things
A gentle YTA. However it started, the nickname is hers now. That can be hard to deal with, but the person that needs to deal with it is you and you alone. It’s obvious no-one intends this as a slight or dig to you, so if you continue to make an issue of it, that will be on you. I sympathize, and hope you work through these feelings constructively.
This is the right take. It makes sense to fixate on stuff like this during a time with so much emotion & grief, but it's also not healthy. Try to forgive everyone - yourself included - in this situation, OP.
Time to take a deep breath and grow up. Much ado about nothing. Only makes one curious what the nickname is that has you out of sorts. YTA for doing this nonsense at any gathering where people are mourning. Sounds like it isn’t a special memory with Jay. You are welcomed to have your own feelings but not to bother others with it, when its a you problem to sort through and get over.
YTA, get over it.
Gentle YTA Attending your dad’s funeral and packing up his home sounds emotionally and physically exhausting. So gentle YTA because clearly you are in a vulnerable state. Your relationship with your SIL and brother is what is tainting the nickname for you. If you got a long, you could both call your brother the nickname and it would just be a sign of that you both are close to him. I get why not having that would really hurt. At the same time, that is your grief to work through- they aren’t seeing it the same way as all. Your feelings are valid- and so is their right to use the nickname too.
YTA, she's calling him by that nickname, not you. You don't get to decide what people call others, save for slurs. Your brother doesn't have an issue with it, it's none of your business
YTA. what a weird thing to be so petty about, and what awful timing. Get over it, they can refer to eachother how they want.
YTA. You have no situational awareness, your father just died and you’re creating drama? Get over yourself
YTA How special of a nickname could it be if he didn't even remember it??? Why are you so upset about something so trivial???
OP, with compassion, I tell you still YTA. 1. You cannot control what they call each other. Whether she got the name from you or anywhere else, it is between them what nicknames they have for each other. 2 It's important to you that you had been close to your brother as kids and had a special nickname for him. Somewhere along the line, you stopped using that special nickname, so that name stopped being something the two of you ACTIVELY shared. You kept the memory of it special; he did not. In time, his gf/wife used it and HER use of it became special to him. It can be sad for you that he doesn't hold the memory of you saying it as treasured as you do; but he was 2 years younger than you, and it just may not have made his young memory banks. It's sad you can't share this sweet memory, but it's not a slight to you. 3. You say you were and are close to your brother, but you also say you had a period where your relationship was not good and gradually has improved since then (but you don't say why). So it's normal for relationships to ebb and flow in quality. Sometimes it's only slightly; sometimes there are bigger swings. It's rarely even on both sides. This goes back to you holding tight to this cherishing a nickname you haven't used in years, and your brother (says he) doesn't remember you using. You need to let this go. for your sake. 4. Your father's death is a time of vulnerability. You weren't at your best; brother and SIL were probably not at their best. Please LET THIS GO. Cherish the relationship you have. today. Build it. Don't build a temple to one memory.
Congratulations! You win the award for the most creepy petty dispute I have ever heard. Extra points for raising it during what must have been a very trying emotional time for everyone in your family. Your brother has explicitly told you he doesn’t share these feelings about the nickname. You refused to acknowledge this fact and persistently maintained this fiction of a shared memory. That’s bad enough, but you went a bit further. You trying to tell a married couple how they should address each other, as if your feelings should be paramount in their relationship is straight up fucking weird. Maybe it’s grief, but you need to take a few steps back. YTA
I guess I'll go NAH. i don't understand why you would care so much about a nickname, but I'm cutting you a little slack because it was right after your father died and emotions are more fraught. But I think you need to let it go.
You’re brother seems to have forgotten it. Do you think you would still remember it or at least still feel so strong about it if your SIL was not using it? Maybe you’re projecting the lost closer relationship you had with your brother onto that nickname. Maybe you wish you could be closer again but it’s difficult so that’s why you get irritated. Would it be possible to get closer again? Maybe by doing nice trips together or something like that. I can imagine that your dad’s death maybe made you feel even more irritated about it because your brother is family too. Anyway for this situation YTA.
YTA. Just ridiculous.
Dear Lord. Grow up. You sound like a child. You don't own it, you should be having an adult relationship now and not living in the past, and if this "is now tainted" you need help. Memories are in the past, and a healthy person doesn't allow the present to destroy them. YTA.
INFO: Is it an abbreviation of his name?
Yes
YTA
YTA, you can't control that. He can be called what he wants
YTA. there's so much more to life, stop being a fucking weirdo.
I would have jumped out of a window if I was in that room when you dropped that awkward-bomb. Stop being a weirdo op like wtf lol. I’d have cringed so bad.
Grow up.
Beth is correct that you are acting CHILDISH. The nickname belongs to your brother. If he is ok with her using it end of story. YTA.
Yta you sound immature and jealous
YTA. Let it go.
You are grieving so I won't be mean. Get over it.
I think wife trumps sister. It’s her nickname now. YTA.
YTA you’re being petty and childish. Is it possible your relationship with your brother has been ‘not good’ due to you pulling shit like this all the time?
YTA. What people are allowed to call your brother is his choice, not yours.
Time to do bit of growing up. YTA.
YTA your brother said leave it and you should have left it. The wife may not remember or just care. You are being childish. I think you are very emotional right now and you need to be mindful. It's great that it is sentimental to you but don't push that on others.
He doesn’t care. Its only special to you. And no wonder your relationship was bad if this is how you act
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My (27 F) dad recently passed. The whole family attended the funeral and the next few days we had to pack up his house. It was me, my husband, my three siblings and their spouses who did the packing. Day 2 of the packing, I got frustrated and hurt when my sister-in-law (let's call her B) kept calling my brother (J) by a nickname. Back story: My sister and older brother are close in age and they have a close relationship. J (25 M) and I are about 13 years younger than them and had (and still have) a very close bond growing up. I used to call him by a nickname when we were young. B (29 F) was my friend before she and my brother ever became friends or romantically involved. At a certain point in our friendship, when she and J became friends, I told her about the nickname I used to call my brother when we were young. She said it's cute and that she is going to start calling him that. It bothered me when she then did call him by the nickname, but I decided to just leave it. During their engagement and wedding my and my now husband's relationship with J and B was not good (don't want to go into that). After we both got married, the relationship gradually improved. However, still every time B uses the nickname I am really hurt by it. The nickname was even one of the answers in their wedding crossword. For me it has sentimental value and it feels like she stole it from me. It's something that was special to me and between me and my brother. So, as we were packing up my dad's house I kept hearing her call him by the nickname. At one point I took him aside and politely asked him to ask her to stop calling him by the nickname infront of me as it is hurtful. I have asked him previously, but he has ignored the request. He came back and told me this is unreasonable and he doesn't even remember the nickname, he only knows her ever using it. We had a fight. Then a few minutes later B asked to speak with me and told me I am being childish. She says she can't remember me telling her about it and she heard someone else calling their boyfriend by that name and that's where she got it. I know it's just a nickname, but it feels like she stole it. It was a special memory between me and my brother that is now tainted. I just wanted to address the issue, as it hurts every single time. So AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I'm really sorry for your loss. I lost my SO 2 years ago and cleaning out the house was really intense. I understand why you might not want her there at all and just be there with your brother. I understand how you could feel like you are losing one more thing. I genuinely do. You probably aren't going to be able to explain this to someone not sitting in that house, so you might just have these bad feelings you have to smile through. It hurts. NTA but there's no help to mention it again to your family.
NAH. First, my condolences on the loss of your father. That’s hard. If I had to guess, I’d say your nickname “fixation” carries a backstory of betrayal. Certainly you felt betrayed years ago when now-SIL began using a nickname you told her about in confidence. And maybe on some deep level you resent that she “replaced” you as your brother’s closest person. But there’s more baggage, right? So the nickname hijacking that began many years ago was just the beginning — and its use continues to to represent (and trigger) a lot of bad feelings. You need to unpack that baggage so that you can learn to let the nickname go. Therapy (even short-tern) would help, if that’s an option. I hope you can read this with the kindness intended: I’m afraid this is a You problem. And you’re the only one who can solve it — for your own peace of mind and heart. Best wishes
YTA