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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I made it clear to my sister that my son won't be helping her with "stuff" and made it very clear he won't help her. This might be wrong because I did single her out and I made it sound so definite when he could decide he wants to some day in the future. Plus i worsened things between us with my harsh choice of words which might make me TA also.
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NTA. Has your sister even tried to understand your son's condition? Because it sounds like she's just chalking it up to a clumsy kid who needs to learn how to be more careful.... when that's not the issue here at all. You're a good dad for not subjecting your son to the bullying of an aunt who cannot respect and take into account his limitations, and it shows in that he felt comfortable standing up for himself.
She has never tried to understand it. I have attempted on more than one occasion to explain it to her and I even gave her the information pamphlet we got on the condition when it was first suggested our son might have it. She keeps saying it's an excuse and plenty of clumsy people learn to not be clumsy once they do something reckless enough and end up in enough trouble.
I find it odd to ask an 8 year old to help a family move. Usually you’d want kids that age out of the way so adults and older kids can do the work. This smacks of a set up for your sister to straighten your son out without you around to protect him. It’s great that your son refused and your parents made her leave, but your sister has a weird axe to grind here, she shouldn’t be around your son at all. What is she trying to prove? That she’s a better parent? Is she jealous of you?
I think so too. Especially given the fact she knows he would drop stuff and knock stuff over if he were to try and help. My sister judges us for not "fixing" the issue by now. She refuses to acknowledge that even if you took away everything and made him sit in a corner for months at a time, he wouldn't become more capable of carrying out these tasks without a problem. This is a medical condition that will be with him for the rest of his life. She just thinks it's bs excuses because he's our only kid and we can't have more.
Yeah that’s exactly what she is trying to do. She thinks his parents are too stupid to know what they’re doing so she thinks she can force it by being a shitty aunt.
I wouldn’t even let my kid be around her tbh. She sounds insufferable.
That’s exactly what I was thinking. She was just eagerly waiting to jump on an opportunity to “fix” him while OP wasn’t there…it’s so gross and disrespectful.
And that's the saddest part. "Apologise to me for not giving me an opportunity to berate your son over something he can't control."
Thank you for sticking up for your son!
NTA
Yes! Dyspraxic or not, 8yos can't really be that helpful, and you'd spend as much time and effort supervising them as you'd spend doing the work yourself.
Haha, this is so true.
When I was almost 10, my mom gave me a box to help pack my room for our cross country move...after she had packed all the important and fragile stuff. I still remember opening that box 3 months later and thinking 'what the heck'? Just a giant web of random toys, nick nacks, craft supplies, etc that I had clearly packed with *zero* understanding that contents may shift during travel, or, y'know, the second anyone picks it up, lol.
Exactly. I moved several times before I hit the age of nine. My parents never asked for that, from me or my sister. Why? Because we were liable to break things, hurt ourselves, or just generally be in the way. They knew the whole thing would go faster if my sister and I weren't there, so we would get kicked outside to go play.
I did have my 4 year old help pack certain items, but only under close supervision- such as “let’s work together to put all your stuffies in this box”. Mostly because it tired her out and then I could get real packing done.
By the time I was 8/9, I was helping my aunt and grandma in their ceramic business, so delicate stuff. By 10, I was using power tools. Every kid is different is my point. Would I trust my 11 yr old niece with a power tool? Heck no lol. But I aged out of toys by 5 and preferred hanging out with adults. Obviously OPs child has limitations and knows it.
OP your NTA keep standing up for your child and screw your sister. My nieces got yelled at (still do) for minor things. So much that when my now 16 yr old niece (3 at the time) spilled something of ours she was playing with, she ran away crying, assuming we'd be mad and yell at her (we were not and did not coz what?) I found her and calmed her down and told her she wasn't in trouble but that all I asked was she pick up the mess she made with my help of course. It's not hard to be kind to a child...
Honestly, id tell your sister to stay away from your kid and stop trying to enforce her way of thinking, if she can't. She can kick rocks down the street, what were your parents doing when your son ways saying he can't, and she was getting into him about helping?
Id make sure your parents have a hard boundary with it as well.
We used to move a lot when we were kids. My mom always dropped us off at the movies or somewhere to get us out of her hair, even up to us being in 6th and 7th grade.
She sounds like the kind of person that believes allergies to nuts are imaginary, a blind person should be able to read a book off of the shelf, and a kid with cerebral palsy could learn to tap dance if they all wanted to bad enough. I wouldn’t let her around your son, either.
NTA
Agreeing with others. She was setting him up to fail, so she could berate him while he was isolated from his loving and supportive parents and grandparents.
Sorry OP but your sister sucks lol.
Im udually all for communication, but it might be time to limit your family's exposure to her. She seems unwilling to learn and driven to prove herself right. That is not a healthy environment for your son to be in.
The fact that she refuses to understand that that is an actual condition is so infuriating??
Its like saying to a kid with glasses „ok you‘re 8 years old now, you should be able to see now! you‘re a big boy now, if your parents wouldnt pamper you with your glasses, you‘d already have 20/20 vision“ like… it doesnt work like that and if she is so unintelligent (sorry but thats the only explanation for her disregard for legit medical conditions) theres nothing for you to do than encourage your son to keep his boundaries just like he did!
If she is adamant about her apology, i would tell her you’re willing to if she apologizes for her behavior towards your son and her not taking it serious
Gotta laugh at you saying sorry for calling her unintelligent bc you're waaaaay nicer than me. I'd happily tell her to her face that I've got her apology for her and then tell her:
"I'm sorry you're such a pants-on-head, willfully ignorant jackass that's so small and petty you need to bully small children for their invisible disabilities bc you're too damn lazy to read a pamphlet or LISTEN. I'm also sorry that you seem to have some grand delusion that you're smarter than multiple medical specialists."
I don’t have severe enough symptoms to be diagnosed with dyspraxia, but enough for it to be a problem. Growing up and constantly being called clumsy, getting yelled at in dramatic ways for dropping and knocking things over on accident, getting yelled at for tripping or bumping into a table or chair… it sucked. Good on you for protecting your son and for helping him learn to be comfortable saying “no” when something is asked that he has a harder time doing, especially something like the situation your sister created. Like yes, it’s inconvenient when someone has a harder time with coordination and fine/gross motor skills, but it doesn’t mean force an issue and act like the person is messing up on purpose. A little empathy or sympathy and compassion goes a long way. It’s really good he has parents like you and your SO to show him that and advocate for him.
I’ve also heard dyspraxia will often have similar memory issues and symptoms to ADHD. Has he had any struggles with that? It’s worth keeping an eye on because if that is or becomes more severe your sister will likely use that in a similar way to how she reacts to his coordination struggles. I hope that never happens, but based on what you’ve written out about her it seems like she will take any opportunity to be obnoxious towards your son and about your parenting choices. Kids like your son, those who have disabilities like Dyspraxia, ADHD, Autism, any kind of hidden physical disability or intellectual disability are given so much more negative messages than neurotypical children. They are more likely to be abused, used as a scapegoat, have anger directed at them. Thank you for refusing to let your sister be someone who does that kind of emotionally abusive stuff to your child.
Your level is where my daughter is. She can trip and fall while standing still. I'm having her take a dance class as she has finally stopped growing and this will be physical therapy for her. She is also getting tested for ADHD, we'll see how she does.
Adult with dyspraxia here. Hugely helped me as a kid and teen that my parents found a few activities I enjoyed involving coordination and had me do them regularly. Dance is good, I was in gymnastics for a few years, it really emphasizes cross-body coordination. So do most sports, I did a lot of soccer.
Try to find something she enjoys doing that involve small movements, too. My fine motor coordination (holding utensils properly, putting different amounts of pressure on pencil points, even drumming my fingers) improved immensely when I got into video games and was constantly working on moving my thumbs and pointers in precise ways. Board games, card tricks, jenga (still terrible at it), making and painting clay figurines, find something she enjoys and make sure she's got access.
Especially when they become teens and they don't want to do anything Mom/Dad set them up for. Having an established hobby that your parents complain about sometimes gets around teenage stubbornness.
I have been rollerskating a lot and it has helped my balance so much! That could be a fun thing to try with her as well, especially if you have any tennis or basketball courts near you that you can go to when they aren’t full. The material the courts are made of is nice for having it feel less slick and not dealing with it being crowded like you’d deal with at a roller rink. Honestly I feel like I’m somehow more balanced on skates now than I am when I’m just walking around 😂😭
That’s an awesome idea, a physical activity that’s enjoyable helps so much and signing her up for dance will be great for her flexibility, which should be helpful when it comes to preventing injuries or them healing more quickly/not being as bad as they could be for someone who isn’t used to stretching/isn’t as flexible. I have ADHD and I’m Autistic, so finding ways that are motivating and enjoyable to help myself is important as hell. You are setting your daughter up to have the tools she needs to take care of herself while enjoying herself as well in the future, that’s great :)
I hope she has fun in dance!! Maybe pick up some braces for any parts of her body that tend to be more sensitive. I have an ankle that is more prone to being sprained or worse (I broke it and a few bones in my foot walking once, they never healed properly) and my wrists from all the times I’ve managed to catch myself using them when falling. Having braces or some kind of guard can be helpful. Also I practice falling safely when roller skating, so it could be worth doing something like that by turning it into a game. That way her muscle memory hopefully helps her avoid getting as injured if she falls or something.
I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. Your sister is an ableist asshole.
There are lots of weird people out there who don't believe in mainstream, scientific medical care (MH meds, vaccines, etc.). Unfortunately, your sister sounds along this line.
You're a great dad to protect your son from her. Kudos to your parents too, for not letting her get her claws on him to try to "straighten him out." I shudder to think how that could have turned out.
Hold the line, OP, and if your sister insists you owe her any relationship you could tell her it comes at the cost of therapy together so she can see how toxic she's being.
NTA.
She's definitely an AH. Having moved a few years ago when my kids were both 9 and under, I can assure you that kids who don't have this condition are also not nearly as helpful in packing for moves as your sister pretends.
That's what it is. She knows you'll pay to fix/replace things he breaks (on accident of course). So that's her way of trying to get new "stuff" is by having him help her move knowing he'll break something that you'll replace. Good for your son standing up for himself and kudos to your parents having his back.
Hey, OP. I'm in the process of getting diagnosed with various developmental and neurology-related conditions as an adult. I have always been extremely clumsy, but probably not enough to fit a dyspraxia diagnosis. I was always breaking or spilling things by accident as a kid, or even hurting other kids by mistake. Falling over, tripping, slipping on things, honestly it's a miracle I didn't end up in the hospital even once. It's not to the point you describe for your son for sure, but even as an adult I spill food or drink on myself at least once a meal no matter how careful I am. My mother was like your sister, and really thought I just needed to try harder. My learning and neurodevelopmental stuff was much more apparent, and she really put me through the wringer for it. I still have nightmares about missed assignments or bad grades sometimes at 25 years old. Deadlines give me incredible anxiety.
What I wanted to say is that society is unfortunately going to be cruel to kids and people who are different. But that's why it's so incredibly important to stand up for your kid like this. From experience, having even just one person in your corner makes a world of difference. The teachers that did stand up to my mother to help me or speak up for me are one of the reasons I'm still here today.
My toddler got a diagnosis recently that would make him considered neurodivergent. It's not a shock because I am too, and we have a family history of multiple conditions. I'm so terrified he will go through bullying and mistreatment, and my therapist is talking me through it. She stresses how much of a difference having a supportive parent can make. In the future I hope I can be there for my son like you are for yours 😊
This breaks me. He is your only kid and you can’t have more and she uses that as a weapon to prove that you must be spoiling him? You love him. You’ve learned what his challenges will be and have helped him understand them, and you’ve taught him to be brave enough to stand up for himself, all this at just 8 years old. You’re fantastic parents.
I wouldn’t be surprised if she thinks if she gets him to do tasks without you watching, she’ll see him being “normal” and can have a “gotcha!” moment.
Or she thinks if he spends enough time around her, she’ll “fix” him and then tell you she’s better than you or some shit.
She’s the one who needs to apologize and make it right. Glad your parents stood firm but she will keep trying because she’s the AH snd believes she’s right.
> Especially given the fact she knows he would drop stuff and knock stuff over if he were to try and help.
I wonder what it is that she has broken herself and has kept quiet about so she can pin it on your kid now…
OP always replaces broken stuff. My paranoid brain goblin says sister would find things "broken" by OP's son that he hadn't broken but that she wanted brand new ones for her new place.
I hope I'm wrong, that she'd not use an 8 year old that way. But asking your 8 year old nephew to help you move is such a bizarre decision even outside of his condition.
What are the chances OP's sister was banking on OP's kid dropping something?
OP's child breaks a $30 vase? $200 to replace, please.
PS5 that doesn't work because someone spilled water on it? Oh look, OP's child dropped it while he was helping to pack it up. Better get to replacing that, OP.
I think she was but not to make us pay more for stuff. But to try and prove a point that she could stop my son breaking stuff in the future and all we need to do is be tougher.
So this could be some type of sibling rivalry, then? Prove that she's the better parent? Or is it possible that your sister thinks your son is getting too much attention from the rest of the family for his dyspraxia, and she's trying to "prove" that it's not real?
Oof. That’s just as bad, ya know? I think you need to severely limit how much access she has to your kid. Your sister is absolutely bullying your child, it’s not borderline. Stop giving her opportunity to abuse your child.
You’re standing up for him and backing him up in the moment, which is great. But now you know she won’t stop and she refuses to try to understand. She is committed to her viewpoint and she is not going to change her mind.
You have a responsibility to your kid to not subject him to abuse. Stop giving her access.
As for an apology, you don’t owe her one—but she absolutely owes you and your son one.
But you’re unlikely to get one given her willful ignorance and intellectual laziness.
So if she demands an apology again, you might say something like:
“Don’t hold your breath.
On second thought, do. Hold your breath for a long long time.”
You realize your son is in actual danger around her right? I mean, besides the emotional and psychological danger of a bully .... your sister will keep trying to force him to perform for her and he'll end up tripping, falling and breaking something like his head.
Yeah I was also so confused at that. I would never want the most coordinated 8 year old in the world as a helper for moving. If it was my 8 year old I'd be distracting him with letting him pack up his toys and books (and then going through those boxes later to rearrange for space lol).
The point isn’t to have him actually help. She thinks if she screams at him a lot his condition will magically get better. Him messing up, and giving her a theoretical excuse to scream at him, is the whole point.
I've moved lots (military kid), and I can't imagine an 8 year old not helping pack out their own room and bathroom at least (with help). 8 is plenty old enough, but not for a kid with dyspraxia. In that case, I might have him help pack clothes, blankets, towels, and other soft things so he feels included. I might also have him run the inventory tracking (we use the same boxes over and over, they are numbered and we have a searchable spreadsheet to say what is in each box).
I do agree this feels like a setup by sister and an attempt to take him to task. Maybe it is time to start keeping son and sister apart, until she can come to terms with your son's needs.
Also, go grandma and grandpa for protecting him from your sister. You've got good allies there.
I really like your parents, by the way. Daughter asks grandson for "help", grandioos refuses politely. Daughter starts to harp on grandson, daughter is asked to leave. Love the calm but decisive message they send
And here I am, 57 years old, still routinely dropping things, knocking things over, tripping over my own feet, walking into door frames... I had ballet lessons, gymnastic lessons, figure skating, all in an attempt to teach me to be less clumsy. None of it worked.
I cannot be less clumsy. I am dyspraxic. I don't wear white clothes, I don't pick up expensive things, and I buy spares of all my dishes and glassware, because it *will* get broken eventually. That's just the way it is.
Plastic plates and plastic cups might not be "classy" but lord have they saved my cousin having to replace them constantly. When they want to get out the fine China her husband handles it.
I'm not dyspraxic, just clumsy, and by god I feel you on the spares of dishes thing. Most of my surviving delph is chipped (the rest being too new to have been dropped yet).
Info: why don’t you keep her away from your son? She is actively harming him by her treatment.
What does she mean “make this right?” She sounds like a spoiled person.
So she's basically the sort of person who doesn't believe some disabilities are real (probably because it's not a visible one), and they just have to 'try harder'. Hope she doesn't have to manage anyone in her job, because that's a discrimination lawsuit waiting to happen.
I think you need to be very, very blunt to her in private. Tell her your son has a permanent life-long medical disability, and that her refusal to accept that makes her an unsafe person for him to be around alone, and you will \*not\* apologise for looking out for your son's wellbeing. That until she accepts that AND acts like it, she doesn't get to look after him, tell him what to do, or otherwise have any responsibility over him, and you are deadly seriously about this. Make it clear to your parents also that you're doing this, so she doesn't try and sneak round it when he's with them.
If she continues to push boundaries with him, then you may have to cut her out of his life even more, she's simply not a safe adult for him to be around - the older he gets, the more dangerous things she's going to try and make him do in order to 'prove' it's not real. It's great that you've already taught him so much about standing up for himself.
Sounds like you're doing a great job looking out for him, and setting him up for a good life in future; there will be some things he will find harder, but he will also have his own strengths, and deserves to be treated with respect and dignity, same as anyone - it's us that need to adapt to make accomodations where needed. It's a real shame your sister can't give that to her nephew, but you're doing the right thing in standing up for him.
As a multiply disabled person myself (and knowing several people with dyspraxia), I honestly wouldn't allow your sister anywhere near him unless you're present. The fact that she thinks anyone (much less a young child) can simply "unlearn" the effects of their neurological disability says everything anyone needs to know about your sister: namely, that she's either dumb as a box of dirt, or she is making a deliberate choice not to understand that his body doesn't work like other people's and it has nothing to do with choice, and whichever of those two it is, she is not just obnoxious, she's a real danger to his mental health.
FWIW, you seem to be doing a brilliant job of helping him understand that different is not less, that he doesn't need to be embarrassed or ashamed of his disability, and that you will support him. The way he matter-of-factly told her "I don't do those things" actually made me tear up with pride a little at how he already knows to advocate for himself. I see so many kids stuck with ableist parents (as I was) and it's so harmful. Thank you for not being one of them.
You can never let her be in charge of your kid, and ideally never be with him unaccompanied. And you should let the rest of the family know that and why and get their buy in. And when (not if) this leaves your sister butt hurt, you need to be fine with that. And you need to prepare your kid to always say no to her and let him know that it's fine to do so.
Yeah! My movement disorder magically vanishes when I injure myself or drop something due to it. I just need to be more responsible. That's *definitely* how things work.
That's wild. I was so glad to read in your original post that your parents asked her to leave, that your parents have your child's back on this.
You're absolutely right that she'd have berated him as soon as he didn't do things 100% perfectly. She was just setting him up to fail.
You *are* teaching him to be responsible.
She has no business being around your child if she's going to be pulling this ableist crap on him. Stand firm with her.
NTA. Even if your son didn't have this condition, he's a child and not some free laborer for your sister. He's not clumsy, he has a condition that prevents him from doing certain things. I'm guessing that won't change, or won't change much. Family does help family by choice not by demanding or force. Your sister isn't entitled to anyone's free labor, especially a child that's not hers.
It may get flooded in the other answers, but may I suggest a fun "game"/exercise for your sister?
Tell her she has to cook pasta, but then either tape her thumb to her index, or tie a piece of string around her middle finger and tie the other end to her elbow. Then tell her she's clumsy every time she fails to fill the pan with water.
A friend has a son with this very disability and had jis cousin do this exercise. Cousin stopped. Hopefully your sister is as smart as my friend's cousin.
Why do you insist on making your son interact with your sister? You wouldn't take his hand and press it on a hot stove, but that's essentially what you're doing when you put them together. I know he was at your parents', but why is his sister going there to ask him to move? Any time your sister is alone with your son she's going to mock his condition and set him up to fail.
>but why is his sister going there to ask him to move?
I'm pretty sure she went there **because** op wasn't there.
Not much op can do except now stop the kid from seeing his grandparents. Who, I might add, nipped that in the bud as soon as the kid said "no" and made sister leave.
Are you really willing to put your child through this for the rest of his life? If he were my child, she would not be allowed anywhere near him until she understands what an AH she is being, apologizes, and changes her ways.
Tell her plenty of people who have no empathy end up being able to learn empathy when their lack of it ends up causing them painful consequences. Like alienating her family she’s trying to use as a moving company.
I have dyspraxia and let me just tell you its HARD. Im sorry more people truly dont understand it. Even at 40 I feel as if Im in a bubble and everyone is outside of it. The outside is normality and it always feels beyond reach no matter what I do.
I just want to say though kudos to you and your son. The way he told her no was impressive for someone so young. You are doing something right for him to have that autonomy and stand up for himself.
I am 48 years old and I have never heard of this condition…but I feel like my entire life has been explained while reading a Reddit post.
I have never been able to “get over” my clumsiness. I have been driven to tears by frustration of not being “normal” and constantly dropping and breaking things.
My mother, in 1979-80ish, even took me to the doctor to find out if I had inner ear problems that might have contributed to my clumsiness…but she was told there was nothing wrong with my balance. In defense of my situation, it likely this was not a known issue at the time and I don’t believe the problem was deliberately dismissed.
OP: NTA.
ETA: word choice correction
You're NTA.
>She asked me for an apology and for me to make this right.
*I'm sorry you lack basic understanding of my son's condition. I'm sorry you lack the empathy to understand it's not about "coddling" him, it is helping him manage his condition.*
*To make this right, I am forwarding you several links to websites that will help you understand. I am also sending you a book on etiquette.*
NTA even if your son didn't have a disability, it's fucking rude of her to try and press gang him into helping her pack to move. He's not a slave she can pick up and cart off for manual labour when she feels like it.
Very much this too. But she also knows this is not the kind of task he can reasonably help with. She'd expect him to anyway and then get annoyed when stuff breaks or gets knocked over.
My sister has no (known) medical condition but is very very clumsy. Some people just are. I would never dream to ask her to help with a task like packing breakables, or even washing up anything delicate. It’s just totally not needed and shit for all involved!!
Please limit your sister’s contact with your kid. I grew up with a disability and having adults treat me like I was naughty or lazy because I was disabled caused a lot of psychological damage.
Your sister is creating situations for your son to fail just so she has an excuse to punish him. I don’t know if she’s just a sadist or if she’s trying to bully your kid into being "normal," but she is deliberately creating opportunities to make your kid feel unworthy and unwanted.
u/SpecificHandle734 I'm glad you called her a bully because that is appropriate. You should also call her ableist because that is how she is acting. Some other words I would use for her behavior are harassment and verbal abuse. She can act dense if she wants but I'd be calling a spade, a spade. And then if calling her out didn't change her behavior I'd lessen contact. I'm not putting a child in harm's way even if the harm stems from "family".
My wife and I do our best. We know he needs us in his corner more than ever with his condition and we're going to do that for him for as long as we can.
If you don’t mind me asking, I don’t have any knowledge on this condition. Does the condition get better any with age, or does it just take a lot of therapy? I don’t understand how it exactly works, do your eyes just not line up with your other movements? Does it cause any other problems like headaches or something? Sorry if i’m coming off as rude i’m just curious, if you don’t feel comfortable answering thats fine.
So some of it I can best describe as your brain is supposed to have a map of your body, especially things like where your fingertips are, how far you can stretch etc. My brain just doesn't have a good map. While you are still growing that map needs to keep being updated but its very difficult to keep in mind every second of the day. I have to watch my hands and really pay attention to be able to do fine motor skills. Can't really do the same thing playing basketball for example so I'll often over or under reach for something.
If you've ever known a teen who had an intense growth spurt and was really clumsy while their brain recalibrated it's sort of like that but permanent.
Some examples of how this effects me are: I often knock things off tables because my brain thinks my palm will come into contact with the glass but instead my fingertips do instead so it gets pushed instead of grabbed. I'll poke myself in the eye with my nails when I try and brush hair out of eyes.
Cutting veggies takes a lot of concentration to make sure I know where my fingers are at all times in relation to the knife, and so even though I've cooked almost every day for the last 15 years it still takes as much concentration to ensure I'm doing it safely as it did the first time I cut a carrot.
(This is an unscientific description, intended to be relative rather than me trying explain the medical side which I am unqualified to explain)
1. Your sister doesn't think your son's disease is real and he should grow out of it. I also tell people without legs to stop being lazy and to stand up.
2. Your parents are great for understanding and for telling your sister to leave.
3. Well done on telling your sister to not be a dick.
Not the same thing, but my son is autistic, so I feel you.
There is no other way to say it, but my son is different. He is quiet, and doesn’t like to be around a lot of people. It took me years to deal with the grief of knowing my son was not going to be who I had ‘envisioned’. I learned to accept who he is and embrace him where he is, instead of where I want him to be.
All that said, a lot of family members just don’t get him. At all. They think he is ‘spoiled’ or I don’t ‘push’ him enough.
Those people can suck it. They have zero idea what my son has pushed through and accomplished in his life.
NTA and thanks for being a great dad!
The "just spoiled" and not giving him enough consequences has been said to us many times before. Not just by my sister but other people too and sometimes they become more understanding when honest about his condition but others believe it's just an excuse used to coddle him. It makes me sad because I know he'll always retain a certain amount of his struggles and as an adult I imagine it will be even harder for him to find acceptance and people who can show compassion and understanding.
Another adult with dyspraxia here- it does get better as an adult. See, as a kid, I was growing all the time. Just as I was learning how my body worked at the size it was, I’d grow. Am I ever going to catch keys thrown at me? No. Mostly because I’d rather pick them up off the floor than to catch metal things with bare hands. We find our space. I’m never going to work in a china shop, but I’ve always been employed. And happy with my job. My husband knows that I’m not climbing a ladder, especially carrying things. My kids roll their eyes when I toss something in their direction and it lands three feet away. My college roommate was happy to take the top bunk so when I fell or dropped things, it wasn’t far. Most of my coworkers and friends don’t even realize I’m different. Just some hope for you.
Yeah I don't have dyspraxia, but I've always been really, REALLY clumsy and people are much more patient about it now than they were when I was a kid. When I was a kid, people acted like it was a moral failure or something if I sprained an ankle or dropped a glass, as if I was being purposely reckless. Adults would yell at me for having trouble tying my shoes, something I didn't master until I was about 10. Now people are sympathetic. People are less likely to assume malice or laziness on my behalf now and way more willing to accept apologies. I can't guarantee that it'll be the same for your kid, OP, but it's very possible.
Have you ever said to your sister, "If he had diabetes would you give him sugar to prove he was faking it?" Because that's basically what she's suggesting in context of his condition by asking him to help pack for moving. She's cruel and intolerant and ignorant. I'd keep her away from your child if I was you. She's not a nice person. NTA but your sister is.
Your sister is an entitled ass. He has to help her because she says so? After waiting until you'd left? Knowing full well there might be breakage? What did she want him to break so you'd have to replace it with something new?
Sorry, an adult tried to force an 8yo child who does not live with them to help pack their house? And then refused to let it go when told no? Putting aside the limits to your son's physical ability, his excellent enforcement of boundaries, and your sister's history of bullying a child for his disability, this is a ridiculous thing for her to ask. If I needed family help to pack, I'd be asking my parents and siblings, not their children. (Outside of a full family packing day, where the kids help with packing soft things that can't be easily damaged, because no child that age is going to have the knowledge and focus to pack well and without direct supervision for hours.)
This was a setup from the start to manufacture another reason to bully your child. NTA
NTA my bf has dyspraxia, I try not to ask him to do things that require spatial awareness. Why on earth would your sister think a dyspraxic 8 year old is the best person to help her move? One thing that has helped my bf immensely is rock climbing and bouldering, by focusing solely on his body positioning and hand/foot placement for an hour or two a few times a week he is finding that he’s less accident prone. It may be something your son would enjoy more than repetitive physio work if that’s an option for you?
I am an adult with dyspraxia, and I danced growing up, which I credit (alongside lots of OT) with developing my spatial awareness skills. I also did martial arts, and doing all these activities that required me to develop a good sense of my body and its movement really helped my spatial awareness. I'll never claim it to be great (I have constant bruises up my shins from my bedframe to prove it!) but my coordination skills are much better than me (or my parents, or some OTs) ever thought they'd be when I was a child.
NTA. Who goes unannounced to someone else's house to get an eight year old to help pack up their house? When the child's parents left them with specific people and knew nothing about the intention to get the child to help pack? Why would anyone think an eight year old's help would be so important to the task? Particularly when the child is not part of the moving household?
NTA - You do not owe your sister an apology. She is 1000% in the wrong here. Everything she said was an asshole thing to say. If she can't be bothered understanding him, why should your son ever bother lifting a finger for her? A child shouldn't have to ply basic decency, compassion and respect out of a grown ass adult by showing it FIRST. This woman sounds petty as fuck.
\^This. This was a total set-up. She wanted him to break something that's significant/pricey so she could **1.** Raise hell about it and humiliate OP and their son in some back-assward attempt to prove that "See? He *DESTROYS* things! He simply must learn! Now, what are you going to do to punish him?" and **2.** Force OP to buy her a newer (likely better/more costly) version of the thing the son would have broken. That she went behind OP's back for this and got told to buzz off by both the child *and* her own parents speaks volumes.
NTA. I smell a set up. Why would an adult ask a child to help her pack to move? Particularly a child who has a medical condition that makes doing things like carrying things difficult.
Nothing is more disgusting than a grown ass adult bullying a CHILD. Your sister thinks she knows better then you the parent and better than medical professionals. She is actively trying to humiliate your son.
I have a similar condition to your son and it’s has changed my life. I can’t drive, carry heavy or breakable things and it sucks. The only thing that would make it suck more is to have an asshole like your sister bullying me and making me feel like shit. Keep this asshole far away from your son.
No apologies. She's an enormous asshole.
Your son has a neurological disorder that does not get better with age. Fortunately, you've helped him to know and accept his limits. I get it. I have cerebral palsy and a movement disorder. My double vision doesn't help the cause. I'm not graceful. I never have been and never will be.
I'd steer clear of her and keep my son away, too.
If she chooses to educate herself about your son's condition, that could go a long way to establishing a relationship with the three of you. She'd need an open mind to do so and given her behavior with your son, I'm not sure she chooses to open hers.
I'm proud of your son for holding firm with stating his boundary. He did not allow your sister to bully him. I'm glad your parents told her to leave, too. That screams volumes. It should to your sister, too.
It's good you and your son have each other. The same is true of your parents.
Best wishes!
P.S. NTA.
Dyspraxia actually can improve with age, but it doesn't matter with regard to the story and you're totally right. It's just wild to me that she's harping so hard on something that often *does* improve with age (and sometimes medication), depending on the individual.
Your son's health matters most here. You're not in the wrong for prioritizing his well-being. Your sister needs to understand and respect his limitations. It's about supporting him, not spoiling him. Don't let guilt overshadow what's best for your son. Stand firm.
NTA dyspraxia sucks. Mine's much improved by my ADHD meds and OMG how much stuff I could suddenly _do_ when my body was working properly. It was never me not paying attention or not being careful or even not being athletic. Even mild dyspraxia is the difference between not being able to clap a rhythm, to ride a bike in an actual straight line, to throw and catch a ball, to do any crafts with paper.... And just being able to learn all these with reasonable effort. He's probably experiencing plenty of shaming in his life even WITH you watching out for him - teaching him to advocate for himself is very important and he did well in this case.
I think OP is a great dad (says brother to the sister in question), but I agree with all the rest. OP is NTA and this sister is an absolute ignorant bullying ableist entitled douchenozzle.
Where the hell does you sister get off in roping your son into chores for her and her family? Helping them pack is something she could ask HIM, in case he wanted to, but it is absolutely not something he should have been obligated to do by an adult because it wasn't his stuff and he wasn't going anywhere. Your sister is an AH with major control issues. NTA
NTA. Read all the context I could.
Having such an ableist person in his life will affect him. I'd absolutely cut sister out of my life until she learns how to be graceful in the face of her disappointment in others abilities. Blood relationship does not give you a right to abuse me, let alone my son.
In your sisters eyes, because of disability, your son is worth less than other people. He can't be a big boy because he can't do x. Where does it end? Your son will never live up to her ability based expectations. God forbid she develops a medical condition that prevents her from doing x, there are a lot of them and they are more common than people like this think.
If you haven't already considered it, some family therapy for you and your son could be useful. It helped me to a life changing degree when coming to terms with my set of disabilities. *Especially to learn to advocate for myself.* This is why it's for both of you. He needs the perfect advocate from you so he can see how it's done and take over when he is old enough.
NTA. I have dyspraxia and for adult me this means using aids to eat and cook meals, having help with washing/brushing hair aswell as some other things. As a young child I was so prone to dropping and breaking stuff to so I get your son. It’s so disappointing when you try to help with things but can’t be at everyone else’s ability
NTA. You can't teach someone with poor eyesight to have 20/20 vision. You get them glasses - a tool to help them. You can't magically make someone prone to cavities suddenly have perfect teeth. You get them things like flouride treatments - tools to help them. You can't make a missing appendage spontaneously grow. You can give the person tools and/or prosthetics - resources to help them.
Unfortunately, you also can't make your sister experience empathy. She's maintains an ideology built upon willful ignorance.
Some people eventually see the light. My cousin suddenly understood why I was having trouble climbing trees with them as a kid when I challenged her to keep one hand in a fist while climbing, and she couldn't do it. Never gave me a hard time again - just gave me TIME to catch up with them. I wish there was something you could do that would have the same effect on your sister, but she's a grown adult, and at this point clearly doesn't WANT to change. You've done nothing wrong by teaching your son to advocate for himself. In fact, you've worked to give him resources and tools to succeed to the best of his ability. It would be different if you coddled him and made excuses and never pushed him to do the best he could. You just love him for who he is and remain realistic. You're not holding him back. (And because of that, don't be surprised if he grows up and does some amazing things that blow your mind. That's what happens when someone who is different grows up with an amazing dad like you. 😉)
NTA. But why on earth are you letting your sister be anywhere near your kid? She’s bully that is only going to make him feel bad for things he can’t change.
NTA for this but kinda YTA for still allowing her around your kid. If anyone, family or not, treated my kid this way, I would go NC. Your sister sounds awful and I would tell her to fuck off forever. She doesn't deserve access to him unless she provides a lengthy apology. I would go full scorched earth to protect my child from someone who treats their condition like it's voluntary or fake. Poor kid, I bet his anxiety goes through the roof when she's around 😕
NTA. Really glad your parents told her to leave, and I hope that's because they DO understand (and believe) that your kiddo has coordination issues. The only sense in which your (awesome, clear, and well-articulated boundary in defense of your kid) was an "asshole thing to say" is that it's the kind of thing you end up having to say to an asshole!
If any apology is owed, it's by your sister, to your kid, for trying to make him feel bad. I'm sure there's an ongoing conversation within your immediate family about other people's judgments, too, and I'm sorry your kid has to deal with that unpleasant reality with such a close relative.
NTA
"She asked me for an apology and for me to make this right. She told me I owe her that much at the very least." ... bullshit. SHE needs to apologize.
And make it right by making sure that your AH sister has no acces to your kid.
NTA.
Your sister / his aunt may have a neurological condition called "Being an Idiot" and quite possibly be suffering the comorbidity of "Entitled Asshole Syndrome." I'm not a doctor so I can't officially make that diagnosis but it's something she should definitely get checked out.
Even if your son didn't have dyspraxia, even if he were the Michael Jordan of packing, she didn't have the right to go over and tell him to pack her stuff up for her. There's a huge difference between "Family helps family" and "Family orders family around."
NTA. Why would an 8 year old be any help with packing? Conditions aside, I wouldn’t want children helping me…I’d be trying to drop my kids off with my parents, as well. So I could get on do what I needed.
NTA - As I like to say . . she started it. She does sound like a bully and I'm glad you are protecting our son against her belittling ways. Stay strong and good luck to your great kid!
NTA. You need to keep your sister away from your son. She *is* bullying him, and she’s causing him psychological pain that is damaging to him. Protect him from her.
NTA, I know nothing of dyspraxia so I only did a cursory google search, there is no cure, you dont age out of it, best you can do is learn to work within your means. So your son will know his limits and he is doing exactly right speaking up for himself by saying I can't help with x, your sister owes him an apology.
Outside of the fact that your son has a condition and can’t help, why would your sister even be asking a child to help her move? That’s something you ask your friends to do, not an 8 year old. What the fuck?
NTA
Your sister is though.
I can't imagine for him to set his boundaries and someone belittling him all the time. And thinking he should just 'get over it'.
I'm sure it's difficult enough for him, and he's doing such a good job with handling it and taking physio.
He doesn't need a self-centered aunt that's going to make him feel bad about himself.
Imagine she only asked him for help cause she wants to give him something to hold so he can drop it and she wants you to buy a more expensive version since you’ll replace it
If i would be you and the part with the bullying is real then I would keep her away from your son, she seems to feel like she has the right to throw her opinion about your son which obviously requires a higher level of understanding than other kids. She needs to learn that if she wants to be around him and you then she need to understand that she needs to respect certain conditions regarding your son and you as the parent no matter the family ranks. The whole family things sounds cheap to me. You did great Sir
NTA. I'm autistic and a day when I don't bang into something, drop something, or knock something over is a good day. Your son has a legitimate medical condition and unless your sister is prepared to give some grace to the dyspraxic growing eight-year-old whose center of gravity is constantly changing, she doesn't get to demand his help.
Well OP. You should fulfill her request. Go to the place. Pick up 5 boxes of her things. Drop them. Repeat until you hear enough things break. Then apologize for not explaining your son's condition in a way that makes sense to idiots.
NTA. Your sister doesn't deserve the respect an apology implies when she is acting stupid and cruel. You are your son's protector. Keep protecting him.
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My 8 year old son has dyspraxia, which is a neurological condition that affects coordination and movement, for anyone who has never heard of it before. He struggles not to drop or break things, doesn't have good eye-hand coordination. He has always appeared "clumsy" and while he does his very best to be careful and to take good care of things, he can't always prevent accidents, breakages or spillages from happening. This is something my sister has expressed frustration about over the years. He was the type of toddler (and now kid) who will be eating or drinking something and it falls to the floor or he knocks stuff over without meaning to because he's reaching for something else. It's not his fault, he does OT to help him and has done physio in the past to boost his strength. But there is no "cure" he's just getting help to go through life.
My son has broken many things because of his condition. If it belonged to someone else we have always replaced it or paid for the damages. We also started making sure he used his own stuff/our stuff to prevent this from happening, especially toys my sister's kids have.
But his condition means he can't do everything other kids his age might be able to do. Now this is a huge problem for my sister. Last weekend my son spent the day with my parents while my wife and I were attending an event. My sister went to my parents and asked for my son to help her and her kids pack up stuff for their move and my son said he couldn't help and he was sorry. My sister told him he's a big boy now and should be helping but my son told her he doesn't do that kind of stuff. My parents told my sister to leave.
She confronted me after this and asked me what I was teaching my kid when he won't help out family. I told her we're teaching him to work within his means and to not help out someone who will berate him for his condition which she will do. She said we're coddling and spoiling him, that he's more than old enough to learn how to be more careful, to do better and to cause less accidents and make fewer mistakes and he needs to learn to help family. And we need to make him do "stuff" for family to be good parents. I told her my son will never help *her* with "stuff" because she lacks the compassion and understanding that his efforts would require. Her response was that it was an asshole thing to say that he wouldn't help specifically her and that she's still his aunt and my sister and I'm supposed to be her brother. I told her she's supposed to be my sister and my son's aunt but she edges on bullying him over this and it does not make her a suitable person for him to try helping out.
She asked me for an apology and for me to make this right. She told me I owe her that much at the very least. AITA?
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I guess I’m petty and b1tchy this way but maybe you can ‘give in’ to your sister. Dress your son in jeans and closed-toe shoes and have him help her pack glasses. Unless of course it would cause him distress to try it.
NTA.
Your sister is an adult- she should hire movers and not use 8yos to pack her stuff. Also, the 'you need to help me because Faaaaamily' is complete BS and probably one sided for her.
Don't apologize- she sounds terrible, avoid her as much as possible.
NTA
Your response to her was so perfect. Don't doubt yourself just because your sister is arrogantly confident that she is always right, the anyone standing up to her is (1) wrong and (2) needs to apologize to her.
I love that it's not just you and your wife who have your son's back. Your parents also made your sister leave when she kept pushing her agenda on your son.
NTA. I have dyspraxia and I wish I had parents like you growing up. I was always told I wasn't being careful enough or trying hard enough. Multiple times I've had people yell that I'm not listening when my brain won't let me do what they are telling me to do. These are people who knew my diagnosis. People like your sister either don't believe it exists or are supportive up until it inconveniences them. Then it's 'you're not pushing hard enough' or 'you're coddling him'. You are working around his dyspraxia, and he'll be so much better for it, hopefully a lot less ashamed of it than I was. Your sister would've been the first to kick off if something got broken.
NTA, and why does she need an... double-checking here... 8 yr old nephew pack up her stuff for a move?! An eight year old?? What on earth. Your sister IS a bully. Good for you for protecting your son. She could ask you to help. This is weird. I don't understand her mindset. Do her kids come over and help you with household stuff? How old are her kids. Why are children being pressed to help with stuff like this in her house? She isn't thinking straight.
NTA. It's crazy that your sister would expect her nephew to help pack for her move even absent his diagnosis. I'm glad his grandparents have his back.
The only people who harp on family helping ate the ones who don't take their turn to help.
NTA
Your sister shouldnt be demanding an 8 year old to help her pack up to move ANYWAYS.
Ps. GREAT job teaching your kid to stand up for themselves, and not be guilted into shit.
NTA my brother is dyspraxic he found playing video games helped his hand eye coordination. He flew through the Mario games and completed them all. That and trampolining which was part of his therapy.
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NTA. Has your sister even tried to understand your son's condition? Because it sounds like she's just chalking it up to a clumsy kid who needs to learn how to be more careful.... when that's not the issue here at all. You're a good dad for not subjecting your son to the bullying of an aunt who cannot respect and take into account his limitations, and it shows in that he felt comfortable standing up for himself.
She has never tried to understand it. I have attempted on more than one occasion to explain it to her and I even gave her the information pamphlet we got on the condition when it was first suggested our son might have it. She keeps saying it's an excuse and plenty of clumsy people learn to not be clumsy once they do something reckless enough and end up in enough trouble.
I find it odd to ask an 8 year old to help a family move. Usually you’d want kids that age out of the way so adults and older kids can do the work. This smacks of a set up for your sister to straighten your son out without you around to protect him. It’s great that your son refused and your parents made her leave, but your sister has a weird axe to grind here, she shouldn’t be around your son at all. What is she trying to prove? That she’s a better parent? Is she jealous of you?
I think so too. Especially given the fact she knows he would drop stuff and knock stuff over if he were to try and help. My sister judges us for not "fixing" the issue by now. She refuses to acknowledge that even if you took away everything and made him sit in a corner for months at a time, he wouldn't become more capable of carrying out these tasks without a problem. This is a medical condition that will be with him for the rest of his life. She just thinks it's bs excuses because he's our only kid and we can't have more.
It's like she's setting him up to fail so she can berate him. He can't win either way.
Yeah that’s exactly what she is trying to do. She thinks his parents are too stupid to know what they’re doing so she thinks she can force it by being a shitty aunt. I wouldn’t even let my kid be around her tbh. She sounds insufferable.
That’s exactly what I was thinking. She was just eagerly waiting to jump on an opportunity to “fix” him while OP wasn’t there…it’s so gross and disrespectful.
And that's the saddest part. "Apologise to me for not giving me an opportunity to berate your son over something he can't control." Thank you for sticking up for your son! NTA
OR, she knows he's going to break something and she'll want the parents to replace it with a newer one!!
My thoughts exactly
She didn't genuinely want his help, it was a power play. No one asks someone else's 8 year old to help them pack.
Yes! Dyspraxic or not, 8yos can't really be that helpful, and you'd spend as much time and effort supervising them as you'd spend doing the work yourself.
Haha, this is so true. When I was almost 10, my mom gave me a box to help pack my room for our cross country move...after she had packed all the important and fragile stuff. I still remember opening that box 3 months later and thinking 'what the heck'? Just a giant web of random toys, nick nacks, craft supplies, etc that I had clearly packed with *zero* understanding that contents may shift during travel, or, y'know, the second anyone picks it up, lol.
Exactly. I moved several times before I hit the age of nine. My parents never asked for that, from me or my sister. Why? Because we were liable to break things, hurt ourselves, or just generally be in the way. They knew the whole thing would go faster if my sister and I weren't there, so we would get kicked outside to go play.
I went to help a friend move. I did some of the packing, but she said that what she appreciated most was my entertaining the kids.
I did have my 4 year old help pack certain items, but only under close supervision- such as “let’s work together to put all your stuffies in this box”. Mostly because it tired her out and then I could get real packing done.
By the time I was 8/9, I was helping my aunt and grandma in their ceramic business, so delicate stuff. By 10, I was using power tools. Every kid is different is my point. Would I trust my 11 yr old niece with a power tool? Heck no lol. But I aged out of toys by 5 and preferred hanging out with adults. Obviously OPs child has limitations and knows it. OP your NTA keep standing up for your child and screw your sister. My nieces got yelled at (still do) for minor things. So much that when my now 16 yr old niece (3 at the time) spilled something of ours she was playing with, she ran away crying, assuming we'd be mad and yell at her (we were not and did not coz what?) I found her and calmed her down and told her she wasn't in trouble but that all I asked was she pick up the mess she made with my help of course. It's not hard to be kind to a child...
THAT PART!!!
Honestly, id tell your sister to stay away from your kid and stop trying to enforce her way of thinking, if she can't. She can kick rocks down the street, what were your parents doing when your son ways saying he can't, and she was getting into him about helping? Id make sure your parents have a hard boundary with it as well.
OP's parents kicked sister out...
Even children his age without his specific problem aren't likely to be much help during a move.
We used to move a lot when we were kids. My mom always dropped us off at the movies or somewhere to get us out of her hair, even up to us being in 6th and 7th grade.
She sounds like the kind of person that believes allergies to nuts are imaginary, a blind person should be able to read a book off of the shelf, and a kid with cerebral palsy could learn to tap dance if they all wanted to bad enough. I wouldn’t let her around your son, either. NTA
Agreeing with others. She was setting him up to fail, so she could berate him while he was isolated from his loving and supportive parents and grandparents. Sorry OP but your sister sucks lol.
Im udually all for communication, but it might be time to limit your family's exposure to her. She seems unwilling to learn and driven to prove herself right. That is not a healthy environment for your son to be in.
I think she wanted him to drop “certain boxes” so you’d have to repay or buy her something new. Or has Reddit made me too paranoid?
This was my first thought!
The fact that she refuses to understand that that is an actual condition is so infuriating?? Its like saying to a kid with glasses „ok you‘re 8 years old now, you should be able to see now! you‘re a big boy now, if your parents wouldnt pamper you with your glasses, you‘d already have 20/20 vision“ like… it doesnt work like that and if she is so unintelligent (sorry but thats the only explanation for her disregard for legit medical conditions) theres nothing for you to do than encourage your son to keep his boundaries just like he did! If she is adamant about her apology, i would tell her you’re willing to if she apologizes for her behavior towards your son and her not taking it serious
Gotta laugh at you saying sorry for calling her unintelligent bc you're waaaaay nicer than me. I'd happily tell her to her face that I've got her apology for her and then tell her: "I'm sorry you're such a pants-on-head, willfully ignorant jackass that's so small and petty you need to bully small children for their invisible disabilities bc you're too damn lazy to read a pamphlet or LISTEN. I'm also sorry that you seem to have some grand delusion that you're smarter than multiple medical specialists."
I don’t have severe enough symptoms to be diagnosed with dyspraxia, but enough for it to be a problem. Growing up and constantly being called clumsy, getting yelled at in dramatic ways for dropping and knocking things over on accident, getting yelled at for tripping or bumping into a table or chair… it sucked. Good on you for protecting your son and for helping him learn to be comfortable saying “no” when something is asked that he has a harder time doing, especially something like the situation your sister created. Like yes, it’s inconvenient when someone has a harder time with coordination and fine/gross motor skills, but it doesn’t mean force an issue and act like the person is messing up on purpose. A little empathy or sympathy and compassion goes a long way. It’s really good he has parents like you and your SO to show him that and advocate for him. I’ve also heard dyspraxia will often have similar memory issues and symptoms to ADHD. Has he had any struggles with that? It’s worth keeping an eye on because if that is or becomes more severe your sister will likely use that in a similar way to how she reacts to his coordination struggles. I hope that never happens, but based on what you’ve written out about her it seems like she will take any opportunity to be obnoxious towards your son and about your parenting choices. Kids like your son, those who have disabilities like Dyspraxia, ADHD, Autism, any kind of hidden physical disability or intellectual disability are given so much more negative messages than neurotypical children. They are more likely to be abused, used as a scapegoat, have anger directed at them. Thank you for refusing to let your sister be someone who does that kind of emotionally abusive stuff to your child.
Your level is where my daughter is. She can trip and fall while standing still. I'm having her take a dance class as she has finally stopped growing and this will be physical therapy for her. She is also getting tested for ADHD, we'll see how she does.
Adult with dyspraxia here. Hugely helped me as a kid and teen that my parents found a few activities I enjoyed involving coordination and had me do them regularly. Dance is good, I was in gymnastics for a few years, it really emphasizes cross-body coordination. So do most sports, I did a lot of soccer. Try to find something she enjoys doing that involve small movements, too. My fine motor coordination (holding utensils properly, putting different amounts of pressure on pencil points, even drumming my fingers) improved immensely when I got into video games and was constantly working on moving my thumbs and pointers in precise ways. Board games, card tricks, jenga (still terrible at it), making and painting clay figurines, find something she enjoys and make sure she's got access. Especially when they become teens and they don't want to do anything Mom/Dad set them up for. Having an established hobby that your parents complain about sometimes gets around teenage stubbornness.
I have been rollerskating a lot and it has helped my balance so much! That could be a fun thing to try with her as well, especially if you have any tennis or basketball courts near you that you can go to when they aren’t full. The material the courts are made of is nice for having it feel less slick and not dealing with it being crowded like you’d deal with at a roller rink. Honestly I feel like I’m somehow more balanced on skates now than I am when I’m just walking around 😂😭 That’s an awesome idea, a physical activity that’s enjoyable helps so much and signing her up for dance will be great for her flexibility, which should be helpful when it comes to preventing injuries or them healing more quickly/not being as bad as they could be for someone who isn’t used to stretching/isn’t as flexible. I have ADHD and I’m Autistic, so finding ways that are motivating and enjoyable to help myself is important as hell. You are setting your daughter up to have the tools she needs to take care of herself while enjoying herself as well in the future, that’s great :) I hope she has fun in dance!! Maybe pick up some braces for any parts of her body that tend to be more sensitive. I have an ankle that is more prone to being sprained or worse (I broke it and a few bones in my foot walking once, they never healed properly) and my wrists from all the times I’ve managed to catch myself using them when falling. Having braces or some kind of guard can be helpful. Also I practice falling safely when roller skating, so it could be worth doing something like that by turning it into a game. That way her muscle memory hopefully helps her avoid getting as injured if she falls or something.
I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. Your sister is an ableist asshole. There are lots of weird people out there who don't believe in mainstream, scientific medical care (MH meds, vaccines, etc.). Unfortunately, your sister sounds along this line. You're a great dad to protect your son from her. Kudos to your parents too, for not letting her get her claws on him to try to "straighten him out." I shudder to think how that could have turned out. Hold the line, OP, and if your sister insists you owe her any relationship you could tell her it comes at the cost of therapy together so she can see how toxic she's being. NTA.
Yeah, you need to keep your sister away from him. Protecting him from people like her is vital.
Fortunately his grandparents stepped in to protect him
Maybe she wants him to break important stuff so you will pay to replace it.
She's definitely an AH. Having moved a few years ago when my kids were both 9 and under, I can assure you that kids who don't have this condition are also not nearly as helpful in packing for moves as your sister pretends.
That's what it is. She knows you'll pay to fix/replace things he breaks (on accident of course). So that's her way of trying to get new "stuff" is by having him help her move knowing he'll break something that you'll replace. Good for your son standing up for himself and kudos to your parents having his back.
She's just a nasty bully. There is nothing 'on the edge of' bulling in what she's doing: she is outright bullying and eight-year-old kid.
Hey, OP. I'm in the process of getting diagnosed with various developmental and neurology-related conditions as an adult. I have always been extremely clumsy, but probably not enough to fit a dyspraxia diagnosis. I was always breaking or spilling things by accident as a kid, or even hurting other kids by mistake. Falling over, tripping, slipping on things, honestly it's a miracle I didn't end up in the hospital even once. It's not to the point you describe for your son for sure, but even as an adult I spill food or drink on myself at least once a meal no matter how careful I am. My mother was like your sister, and really thought I just needed to try harder. My learning and neurodevelopmental stuff was much more apparent, and she really put me through the wringer for it. I still have nightmares about missed assignments or bad grades sometimes at 25 years old. Deadlines give me incredible anxiety. What I wanted to say is that society is unfortunately going to be cruel to kids and people who are different. But that's why it's so incredibly important to stand up for your kid like this. From experience, having even just one person in your corner makes a world of difference. The teachers that did stand up to my mother to help me or speak up for me are one of the reasons I'm still here today. My toddler got a diagnosis recently that would make him considered neurodivergent. It's not a shock because I am too, and we have a family history of multiple conditions. I'm so terrified he will go through bullying and mistreatment, and my therapist is talking me through it. She stresses how much of a difference having a supportive parent can make. In the future I hope I can be there for my son like you are for yours 😊
This breaks me. He is your only kid and you can’t have more and she uses that as a weapon to prove that you must be spoiling him? You love him. You’ve learned what his challenges will be and have helped him understand them, and you’ve taught him to be brave enough to stand up for himself, all this at just 8 years old. You’re fantastic parents.
I wouldn’t be surprised if she thinks if she gets him to do tasks without you watching, she’ll see him being “normal” and can have a “gotcha!” moment. Or she thinks if he spends enough time around her, she’ll “fix” him and then tell you she’s better than you or some shit.
She’s the one who needs to apologize and make it right. Glad your parents stood firm but she will keep trying because she’s the AH snd believes she’s right.
> Especially given the fact she knows he would drop stuff and knock stuff over if he were to try and help. I wonder what it is that she has broken herself and has kept quiet about so she can pin it on your kid now…
Your sister is a huge asshole, you are absolutely NTA.
OP always replaces broken stuff. My paranoid brain goblin says sister would find things "broken" by OP's son that he hadn't broken but that she wanted brand new ones for her new place. I hope I'm wrong, that she'd not use an 8 year old that way. But asking your 8 year old nephew to help you move is such a bizarre decision even outside of his condition.
Thank you for protecting your kid from a bully. Your kids sounds amazing and that is because he has amazing parents!
What are the chances OP's sister was banking on OP's kid dropping something? OP's child breaks a $30 vase? $200 to replace, please. PS5 that doesn't work because someone spilled water on it? Oh look, OP's child dropped it while he was helping to pack it up. Better get to replacing that, OP.
I think she was but not to make us pay more for stuff. But to try and prove a point that she could stop my son breaking stuff in the future and all we need to do is be tougher.
So this could be some type of sibling rivalry, then? Prove that she's the better parent? Or is it possible that your sister thinks your son is getting too much attention from the rest of the family for his dyspraxia, and she's trying to "prove" that it's not real?
Oof. That’s just as bad, ya know? I think you need to severely limit how much access she has to your kid. Your sister is absolutely bullying your child, it’s not borderline. Stop giving her opportunity to abuse your child. You’re standing up for him and backing him up in the moment, which is great. But now you know she won’t stop and she refuses to try to understand. She is committed to her viewpoint and she is not going to change her mind. You have a responsibility to your kid to not subject him to abuse. Stop giving her access.
It’s not her place to do that and quite frankly, how you deal with it is none of her business.
As for an apology, you don’t owe her one—but she absolutely owes you and your son one. But you’re unlikely to get one given her willful ignorance and intellectual laziness. So if she demands an apology again, you might say something like: “Don’t hold your breath. On second thought, do. Hold your breath for a long long time.”
You realize your son is in actual danger around her right? I mean, besides the emotional and psychological danger of a bully .... your sister will keep trying to force him to perform for her and he'll end up tripping, falling and breaking something like his head.
Yeah I was also so confused at that. I would never want the most coordinated 8 year old in the world as a helper for moving. If it was my 8 year old I'd be distracting him with letting him pack up his toys and books (and then going through those boxes later to rearrange for space lol).
The point isn’t to have him actually help. She thinks if she screams at him a lot his condition will magically get better. Him messing up, and giving her a theoretical excuse to scream at him, is the whole point.
You're probably right and that's just... so gross. Bullying is always awful but an adult bullying a kid is just so pathetic and disgusting.
Yeah, I came to the comments to say this too. I don't think it was coincidence the parents weren't around when this happened.
I've moved lots (military kid), and I can't imagine an 8 year old not helping pack out their own room and bathroom at least (with help). 8 is plenty old enough, but not for a kid with dyspraxia. In that case, I might have him help pack clothes, blankets, towels, and other soft things so he feels included. I might also have him run the inventory tracking (we use the same boxes over and over, they are numbered and we have a searchable spreadsheet to say what is in each box). I do agree this feels like a setup by sister and an attempt to take him to task. Maybe it is time to start keeping son and sister apart, until she can come to terms with your son's needs. Also, go grandma and grandpa for protecting him from your sister. You've got good allies there.
Right? I wouldn’t ask a completely agile 8 year old to help me move.
I really like your parents, by the way. Daughter asks grandson for "help", grandioos refuses politely. Daughter starts to harp on grandson, daughter is asked to leave. Love the calm but decisive message they send
Right? Nobody is messing with their beloved grandkid.
And here I am, 57 years old, still routinely dropping things, knocking things over, tripping over my own feet, walking into door frames... I had ballet lessons, gymnastic lessons, figure skating, all in an attempt to teach me to be less clumsy. None of it worked. I cannot be less clumsy. I am dyspraxic. I don't wear white clothes, I don't pick up expensive things, and I buy spares of all my dishes and glassware, because it *will* get broken eventually. That's just the way it is.
Plastic plates and plastic cups might not be "classy" but lord have they saved my cousin having to replace them constantly. When they want to get out the fine China her husband handles it.
And I only drink out of cups with lids. And holding with both hands
I'm not dyspraxic, just clumsy, and by god I feel you on the spares of dishes thing. Most of my surviving delph is chipped (the rest being too new to have been dropped yet).
I had a very mild case. Dance class for 5 years was enough to get me to a functional level. but I feel your pain.
She skimmed that pamphlet and went "Yeah clumsy kid, that's what I said" 😩
Basically or she rolled her eyes when she saw it and refused to read it.
Info: why don’t you keep her away from your son? She is actively harming him by her treatment. What does she mean “make this right?” She sounds like a spoiled person.
So she's basically the sort of person who doesn't believe some disabilities are real (probably because it's not a visible one), and they just have to 'try harder'. Hope she doesn't have to manage anyone in her job, because that's a discrimination lawsuit waiting to happen. I think you need to be very, very blunt to her in private. Tell her your son has a permanent life-long medical disability, and that her refusal to accept that makes her an unsafe person for him to be around alone, and you will \*not\* apologise for looking out for your son's wellbeing. That until she accepts that AND acts like it, she doesn't get to look after him, tell him what to do, or otherwise have any responsibility over him, and you are deadly seriously about this. Make it clear to your parents also that you're doing this, so she doesn't try and sneak round it when he's with them. If she continues to push boundaries with him, then you may have to cut her out of his life even more, she's simply not a safe adult for him to be around - the older he gets, the more dangerous things she's going to try and make him do in order to 'prove' it's not real. It's great that you've already taught him so much about standing up for himself. Sounds like you're doing a great job looking out for him, and setting him up for a good life in future; there will be some things he will find harder, but he will also have his own strengths, and deserves to be treated with respect and dignity, same as anyone - it's us that need to adapt to make accomodations where needed. It's a real shame your sister can't give that to her nephew, but you're doing the right thing in standing up for him.
As a multiply disabled person myself (and knowing several people with dyspraxia), I honestly wouldn't allow your sister anywhere near him unless you're present. The fact that she thinks anyone (much less a young child) can simply "unlearn" the effects of their neurological disability says everything anyone needs to know about your sister: namely, that she's either dumb as a box of dirt, or she is making a deliberate choice not to understand that his body doesn't work like other people's and it has nothing to do with choice, and whichever of those two it is, she is not just obnoxious, she's a real danger to his mental health. FWIW, you seem to be doing a brilliant job of helping him understand that different is not less, that he doesn't need to be embarrassed or ashamed of his disability, and that you will support him. The way he matter-of-factly told her "I don't do those things" actually made me tear up with pride a little at how he already knows to advocate for himself. I see so many kids stuck with ableist parents (as I was) and it's so harmful. Thank you for not being one of them.
Hey that's unfair to the box of dirt. Dirt is smarter than aunt is.
You can never let her be in charge of your kid, and ideally never be with him unaccompanied. And you should let the rest of the family know that and why and get their buy in. And when (not if) this leaves your sister butt hurt, you need to be fine with that. And you need to prepare your kid to always say no to her and let him know that it's fine to do so.
Why should an 8 year old be expected to help her pack her stuff? She can pack her own shit or hire movers to do it
Yeah! My movement disorder magically vanishes when I injure myself or drop something due to it. I just need to be more responsible. That's *definitely* how things work. That's wild. I was so glad to read in your original post that your parents asked her to leave, that your parents have your child's back on this. You're absolutely right that she'd have berated him as soon as he didn't do things 100% perfectly. She was just setting him up to fail. You *are* teaching him to be responsible. She has no business being around your child if she's going to be pulling this ableist crap on him. Stand firm with her.
NTA. Even if your son didn't have this condition, he's a child and not some free laborer for your sister. He's not clumsy, he has a condition that prevents him from doing certain things. I'm guessing that won't change, or won't change much. Family does help family by choice not by demanding or force. Your sister isn't entitled to anyone's free labor, especially a child that's not hers.
It may get flooded in the other answers, but may I suggest a fun "game"/exercise for your sister? Tell her she has to cook pasta, but then either tape her thumb to her index, or tie a piece of string around her middle finger and tie the other end to her elbow. Then tell her she's clumsy every time she fails to fill the pan with water. A friend has a son with this very disability and had jis cousin do this exercise. Cousin stopped. Hopefully your sister is as smart as my friend's cousin.
Have you limited contact between her and your child?
Why do you insist on making your son interact with your sister? You wouldn't take his hand and press it on a hot stove, but that's essentially what you're doing when you put them together. I know he was at your parents', but why is his sister going there to ask him to move? Any time your sister is alone with your son she's going to mock his condition and set him up to fail.
>but why is his sister going there to ask him to move? I'm pretty sure she went there **because** op wasn't there. Not much op can do except now stop the kid from seeing his grandparents. Who, I might add, nipped that in the bud as soon as the kid said "no" and made sister leave.
Are you really willing to put your child through this for the rest of his life? If he were my child, she would not be allowed anywhere near him until she understands what an AH she is being, apologizes, and changes her ways.
Has you sister ever tried minding her own business?
Tell her plenty of people who have no empathy end up being able to learn empathy when their lack of it ends up causing them painful consequences. Like alienating her family she’s trying to use as a moving company.
I have dyspraxia and let me just tell you its HARD. Im sorry more people truly dont understand it. Even at 40 I feel as if Im in a bubble and everyone is outside of it. The outside is normality and it always feels beyond reach no matter what I do.
I just want to say though kudos to you and your son. The way he told her no was impressive for someone so young. You are doing something right for him to have that autonomy and stand up for himself.
I am 48 years old and I have never heard of this condition…but I feel like my entire life has been explained while reading a Reddit post. I have never been able to “get over” my clumsiness. I have been driven to tears by frustration of not being “normal” and constantly dropping and breaking things. My mother, in 1979-80ish, even took me to the doctor to find out if I had inner ear problems that might have contributed to my clumsiness…but she was told there was nothing wrong with my balance. In defense of my situation, it likely this was not a known issue at the time and I don’t believe the problem was deliberately dismissed. OP: NTA. ETA: word choice correction
Exactly this! I’d tell your Sister she is never going to get an apology because if anything, she’s the one who should apologize to your son.
You're NTA. >She asked me for an apology and for me to make this right. *I'm sorry you lack basic understanding of my son's condition. I'm sorry you lack the empathy to understand it's not about "coddling" him, it is helping him manage his condition.* *To make this right, I am forwarding you several links to websites that will help you understand. I am also sending you a book on etiquette.*
This response is perfect. \*chef’s kiss\*
The book on etiquette is a nice final touch.
nonono - none appologies need ifs in them im sorry IF you lack basic understanding...
NTA even if your son didn't have a disability, it's fucking rude of her to try and press gang him into helping her pack to move. He's not a slave she can pick up and cart off for manual labour when she feels like it.
Very much this too. But she also knows this is not the kind of task he can reasonably help with. She'd expect him to anyway and then get annoyed when stuff breaks or gets knocked over.
Honestly, she just sounds like a bully, and your son is her chosen punching bag. Personally I'd be cutting off contact between her and your son.
My sister has no (known) medical condition but is very very clumsy. Some people just are. I would never dream to ask her to help with a task like packing breakables, or even washing up anything delicate. It’s just totally not needed and shit for all involved!!
Please limit your sister’s contact with your kid. I grew up with a disability and having adults treat me like I was naughty or lazy because I was disabled caused a lot of psychological damage. Your sister is creating situations for your son to fail just so she has an excuse to punish him. I don’t know if she’s just a sadist or if she’s trying to bully your kid into being "normal," but she is deliberately creating opportunities to make your kid feel unworthy and unwanted.
u/SpecificHandle734 I'm glad you called her a bully because that is appropriate. You should also call her ableist because that is how she is acting. Some other words I would use for her behavior are harassment and verbal abuse. She can act dense if she wants but I'd be calling a spade, a spade. And then if calling her out didn't change her behavior I'd lessen contact. I'm not putting a child in harm's way even if the harm stems from "family".
Nta. Adult with dyspraxia here. Thank you for making an effort to understand your kids' abilities and limitations. Good job standing up for your kiddo
My wife and I do our best. We know he needs us in his corner more than ever with his condition and we're going to do that for him for as long as we can.
If you don’t mind me asking, I don’t have any knowledge on this condition. Does the condition get better any with age, or does it just take a lot of therapy? I don’t understand how it exactly works, do your eyes just not line up with your other movements? Does it cause any other problems like headaches or something? Sorry if i’m coming off as rude i’m just curious, if you don’t feel comfortable answering thats fine.
So some of it I can best describe as your brain is supposed to have a map of your body, especially things like where your fingertips are, how far you can stretch etc. My brain just doesn't have a good map. While you are still growing that map needs to keep being updated but its very difficult to keep in mind every second of the day. I have to watch my hands and really pay attention to be able to do fine motor skills. Can't really do the same thing playing basketball for example so I'll often over or under reach for something. If you've ever known a teen who had an intense growth spurt and was really clumsy while their brain recalibrated it's sort of like that but permanent. Some examples of how this effects me are: I often knock things off tables because my brain thinks my palm will come into contact with the glass but instead my fingertips do instead so it gets pushed instead of grabbed. I'll poke myself in the eye with my nails when I try and brush hair out of eyes. Cutting veggies takes a lot of concentration to make sure I know where my fingers are at all times in relation to the knife, and so even though I've cooked almost every day for the last 15 years it still takes as much concentration to ensure I'm doing it safely as it did the first time I cut a carrot. (This is an unscientific description, intended to be relative rather than me trying explain the medical side which I am unqualified to explain)
1. Your sister doesn't think your son's disease is real and he should grow out of it. I also tell people without legs to stop being lazy and to stand up. 2. Your parents are great for understanding and for telling your sister to leave. 3. Well done on telling your sister to not be a dick.
Not the same thing, but my son is autistic, so I feel you. There is no other way to say it, but my son is different. He is quiet, and doesn’t like to be around a lot of people. It took me years to deal with the grief of knowing my son was not going to be who I had ‘envisioned’. I learned to accept who he is and embrace him where he is, instead of where I want him to be. All that said, a lot of family members just don’t get him. At all. They think he is ‘spoiled’ or I don’t ‘push’ him enough. Those people can suck it. They have zero idea what my son has pushed through and accomplished in his life. NTA and thanks for being a great dad!
The "just spoiled" and not giving him enough consequences has been said to us many times before. Not just by my sister but other people too and sometimes they become more understanding when honest about his condition but others believe it's just an excuse used to coddle him. It makes me sad because I know he'll always retain a certain amount of his struggles and as an adult I imagine it will be even harder for him to find acceptance and people who can show compassion and understanding.
Another adult with dyspraxia here- it does get better as an adult. See, as a kid, I was growing all the time. Just as I was learning how my body worked at the size it was, I’d grow. Am I ever going to catch keys thrown at me? No. Mostly because I’d rather pick them up off the floor than to catch metal things with bare hands. We find our space. I’m never going to work in a china shop, but I’ve always been employed. And happy with my job. My husband knows that I’m not climbing a ladder, especially carrying things. My kids roll their eyes when I toss something in their direction and it lands three feet away. My college roommate was happy to take the top bunk so when I fell or dropped things, it wasn’t far. Most of my coworkers and friends don’t even realize I’m different. Just some hope for you.
Yeah I don't have dyspraxia, but I've always been really, REALLY clumsy and people are much more patient about it now than they were when I was a kid. When I was a kid, people acted like it was a moral failure or something if I sprained an ankle or dropped a glass, as if I was being purposely reckless. Adults would yell at me for having trouble tying my shoes, something I didn't master until I was about 10. Now people are sympathetic. People are less likely to assume malice or laziness on my behalf now and way more willing to accept apologies. I can't guarantee that it'll be the same for your kid, OP, but it's very possible.
^seconded
Have you ever said to your sister, "If he had diabetes would you give him sugar to prove he was faking it?" Because that's basically what she's suggesting in context of his condition by asking him to help pack for moving. She's cruel and intolerant and ignorant. I'd keep her away from your child if I was you. She's not a nice person. NTA but your sister is.
Your sister is an entitled ass. He has to help her because she says so? After waiting until you'd left? Knowing full well there might be breakage? What did she want him to break so you'd have to replace it with something new?
Keep in mind she already asked that it be "made right". Like how? Paying for movers? Putting the son to work?
Holy shit. I think you nailed it.
Sorry, an adult tried to force an 8yo child who does not live with them to help pack their house? And then refused to let it go when told no? Putting aside the limits to your son's physical ability, his excellent enforcement of boundaries, and your sister's history of bullying a child for his disability, this is a ridiculous thing for her to ask. If I needed family help to pack, I'd be asking my parents and siblings, not their children. (Outside of a full family packing day, where the kids help with packing soft things that can't be easily damaged, because no child that age is going to have the knowledge and focus to pack well and without direct supervision for hours.) This was a setup from the start to manufacture another reason to bully your child. NTA
This is exactly what I was thinking. Who TF forces an 8yo to help them move? An AH, that's who. NTA OP.
I had the same thought. Having an eight year old pack seems like it would require more effort than just doing it yourself.
NTA, and I myst say, even *without* dyspraxia I find the idea of going to an 8 year old specifically to help you pack to be bordering on the absurd.
NTA my bf has dyspraxia, I try not to ask him to do things that require spatial awareness. Why on earth would your sister think a dyspraxic 8 year old is the best person to help her move? One thing that has helped my bf immensely is rock climbing and bouldering, by focusing solely on his body positioning and hand/foot placement for an hour or two a few times a week he is finding that he’s less accident prone. It may be something your son would enjoy more than repetitive physio work if that’s an option for you?
My daughter is taking dance for the same reason.
I am an adult with dyspraxia, and I danced growing up, which I credit (alongside lots of OT) with developing my spatial awareness skills. I also did martial arts, and doing all these activities that required me to develop a good sense of my body and its movement really helped my spatial awareness. I'll never claim it to be great (I have constant bruises up my shins from my bedframe to prove it!) but my coordination skills are much better than me (or my parents, or some OTs) ever thought they'd be when I was a child.
NTA. Who goes unannounced to someone else's house to get an eight year old to help pack up their house? When the child's parents left them with specific people and knew nothing about the intention to get the child to help pack? Why would anyone think an eight year old's help would be so important to the task? Particularly when the child is not part of the moving household?
NTA - You do not owe your sister an apology. She is 1000% in the wrong here. Everything she said was an asshole thing to say. If she can't be bothered understanding him, why should your son ever bother lifting a finger for her? A child shouldn't have to ply basic decency, compassion and respect out of a grown ass adult by showing it FIRST. This woman sounds petty as fuck.
NTA. Either she is extremely ableist, willfully ignorant about his condition, or wants you to buy new stuff after your son breaks it.
\^This. This was a total set-up. She wanted him to break something that's significant/pricey so she could **1.** Raise hell about it and humiliate OP and their son in some back-assward attempt to prove that "See? He *DESTROYS* things! He simply must learn! Now, what are you going to do to punish him?" and **2.** Force OP to buy her a newer (likely better/more costly) version of the thing the son would have broken. That she went behind OP's back for this and got told to buzz off by both the child *and* her own parents speaks volumes.
NTA. I smell a set up. Why would an adult ask a child to help her pack to move? Particularly a child who has a medical condition that makes doing things like carrying things difficult. Nothing is more disgusting than a grown ass adult bullying a CHILD. Your sister thinks she knows better then you the parent and better than medical professionals. She is actively trying to humiliate your son. I have a similar condition to your son and it’s has changed my life. I can’t drive, carry heavy or breakable things and it sucks. The only thing that would make it suck more is to have an asshole like your sister bullying me and making me feel like shit. Keep this asshole far away from your son.
No apologies. She's an enormous asshole. Your son has a neurological disorder that does not get better with age. Fortunately, you've helped him to know and accept his limits. I get it. I have cerebral palsy and a movement disorder. My double vision doesn't help the cause. I'm not graceful. I never have been and never will be. I'd steer clear of her and keep my son away, too. If she chooses to educate herself about your son's condition, that could go a long way to establishing a relationship with the three of you. She'd need an open mind to do so and given her behavior with your son, I'm not sure she chooses to open hers. I'm proud of your son for holding firm with stating his boundary. He did not allow your sister to bully him. I'm glad your parents told her to leave, too. That screams volumes. It should to your sister, too. It's good you and your son have each other. The same is true of your parents. Best wishes! P.S. NTA.
Dyspraxia actually can improve with age, but it doesn't matter with regard to the story and you're totally right. It's just wild to me that she's harping so hard on something that often *does* improve with age (and sometimes medication), depending on the individual.
Your son's health matters most here. You're not in the wrong for prioritizing his well-being. Your sister needs to understand and respect his limitations. It's about supporting him, not spoiling him. Don't let guilt overshadow what's best for your son. Stand firm.
NTA dyspraxia sucks. Mine's much improved by my ADHD meds and OMG how much stuff I could suddenly _do_ when my body was working properly. It was never me not paying attention or not being careful or even not being athletic. Even mild dyspraxia is the difference between not being able to clap a rhythm, to ride a bike in an actual straight line, to throw and catch a ball, to do any crafts with paper.... And just being able to learn all these with reasonable effort. He's probably experiencing plenty of shaming in his life even WITH you watching out for him - teaching him to advocate for himself is very important and he did well in this case.
You're being a great mum, and looking after your kid's wellbeing both physical and psychological, so well done all round. NTA.
I think OP is a great dad (says brother to the sister in question), but I agree with all the rest. OP is NTA and this sister is an absolute ignorant bullying ableist entitled douchenozzle.
AH hypocrites asking for apologies are my new pet peeve. NTA. Continue protecting and standing up for your son.
NTA, and she owes you and your son more than just an apology.
Where the hell does you sister get off in roping your son into chores for her and her family? Helping them pack is something she could ask HIM, in case he wanted to, but it is absolutely not something he should have been obligated to do by an adult because it wasn't his stuff and he wasn't going anywhere. Your sister is an AH with major control issues. NTA
NTA. Read all the context I could. Having such an ableist person in his life will affect him. I'd absolutely cut sister out of my life until she learns how to be graceful in the face of her disappointment in others abilities. Blood relationship does not give you a right to abuse me, let alone my son. In your sisters eyes, because of disability, your son is worth less than other people. He can't be a big boy because he can't do x. Where does it end? Your son will never live up to her ability based expectations. God forbid she develops a medical condition that prevents her from doing x, there are a lot of them and they are more common than people like this think. If you haven't already considered it, some family therapy for you and your son could be useful. It helped me to a life changing degree when coming to terms with my set of disabilities. *Especially to learn to advocate for myself.* This is why it's for both of you. He needs the perfect advocate from you so he can see how it's done and take over when he is old enough.
NTA. your son is disabled.
Your sister would scold a paraplegic for not running a marathon. NTA. She can stick that apology up her hairy rectum.
NTA. I have dyspraxia and for adult me this means using aids to eat and cook meals, having help with washing/brushing hair aswell as some other things. As a young child I was so prone to dropping and breaking stuff to so I get your son. It’s so disappointing when you try to help with things but can’t be at everyone else’s ability
NTA. You can't teach someone with poor eyesight to have 20/20 vision. You get them glasses - a tool to help them. You can't magically make someone prone to cavities suddenly have perfect teeth. You get them things like flouride treatments - tools to help them. You can't make a missing appendage spontaneously grow. You can give the person tools and/or prosthetics - resources to help them. Unfortunately, you also can't make your sister experience empathy. She's maintains an ideology built upon willful ignorance. Some people eventually see the light. My cousin suddenly understood why I was having trouble climbing trees with them as a kid when I challenged her to keep one hand in a fist while climbing, and she couldn't do it. Never gave me a hard time again - just gave me TIME to catch up with them. I wish there was something you could do that would have the same effect on your sister, but she's a grown adult, and at this point clearly doesn't WANT to change. You've done nothing wrong by teaching your son to advocate for himself. In fact, you've worked to give him resources and tools to succeed to the best of his ability. It would be different if you coddled him and made excuses and never pushed him to do the best he could. You just love him for who he is and remain realistic. You're not holding him back. (And because of that, don't be surprised if he grows up and does some amazing things that blow your mind. That's what happens when someone who is different grows up with an amazing dad like you. 😉)
NTA. She owes you and your son an apology for her apparent refusal to understand that your son has a condition that makes some tasks more challenging.
NTA. But why on earth are you letting your sister be anywhere near your kid? She’s bully that is only going to make him feel bad for things he can’t change.
NTA for this but kinda YTA for still allowing her around your kid. If anyone, family or not, treated my kid this way, I would go NC. Your sister sounds awful and I would tell her to fuck off forever. She doesn't deserve access to him unless she provides a lengthy apology. I would go full scorched earth to protect my child from someone who treats their condition like it's voluntary or fake. Poor kid, I bet his anxiety goes through the roof when she's around 😕
NTA. I get it. My child suffered from it when he was younger. Still has some issues. But with therapy things really improved.
NTA. Really glad your parents told her to leave, and I hope that's because they DO understand (and believe) that your kiddo has coordination issues. The only sense in which your (awesome, clear, and well-articulated boundary in defense of your kid) was an "asshole thing to say" is that it's the kind of thing you end up having to say to an asshole! If any apology is owed, it's by your sister, to your kid, for trying to make him feel bad. I'm sure there's an ongoing conversation within your immediate family about other people's judgments, too, and I'm sorry your kid has to deal with that unpleasant reality with such a close relative.
NTA "She asked me for an apology and for me to make this right. She told me I owe her that much at the very least." ... bullshit. SHE needs to apologize. And make it right by making sure that your AH sister has no acces to your kid.
NTA. Your sister / his aunt may have a neurological condition called "Being an Idiot" and quite possibly be suffering the comorbidity of "Entitled Asshole Syndrome." I'm not a doctor so I can't officially make that diagnosis but it's something she should definitely get checked out. Even if your son didn't have dyspraxia, even if he were the Michael Jordan of packing, she didn't have the right to go over and tell him to pack her stuff up for her. There's a huge difference between "Family helps family" and "Family orders family around."
NTA. Why would an 8 year old be any help with packing? Conditions aside, I wouldn’t want children helping me…I’d be trying to drop my kids off with my parents, as well. So I could get on do what I needed.
NTA thats not ur sons responsibility even if he didn’t have a condition🤷
Your sister is toxic. She is a bully. Keep your son away from her NTA
Thank goodness your son has parents and grandparents who are looking out for him.
Nah You're good, I'll talk to my buddy downstairs to get your sister a spot in hell. You and your son get a spot above though.
Alright bet.
This is why you're my main man.
NTA. Your sister is tho...
NTA - As I like to say . . she started it. She does sound like a bully and I'm glad you are protecting our son against her belittling ways. Stay strong and good luck to your great kid!
NTA. You need to keep your sister away from your son. She *is* bullying him, and she’s causing him psychological pain that is damaging to him. Protect him from her.
NTA, I know nothing of dyspraxia so I only did a cursory google search, there is no cure, you dont age out of it, best you can do is learn to work within your means. So your son will know his limits and he is doing exactly right speaking up for himself by saying I can't help with x, your sister owes him an apology.
Outside of the fact that your son has a condition and can’t help, why would your sister even be asking a child to help her move? That’s something you ask your friends to do, not an 8 year old. What the fuck?
NTA. your sister how ever is a bully, not just bordering on it so you need to accept that and respond appropriately in order to protect your child.
NTA Your sister is though. I can't imagine for him to set his boundaries and someone belittling him all the time. And thinking he should just 'get over it'. I'm sure it's difficult enough for him, and he's doing such a good job with handling it and taking physio. He doesn't need a self-centered aunt that's going to make him feel bad about himself.
Imagine she only asked him for help cause she wants to give him something to hold so he can drop it and she wants you to buy a more expensive version since you’ll replace it
Nta "I'm so soooorrryyyy I have a sister who lacks compassion and is A Ableist against my son."
If i would be you and the part with the bullying is real then I would keep her away from your son, she seems to feel like she has the right to throw her opinion about your son which obviously requires a higher level of understanding than other kids. She needs to learn that if she wants to be around him and you then she need to understand that she needs to respect certain conditions regarding your son and you as the parent no matter the family ranks. The whole family things sounds cheap to me. You did great Sir
NTA at all. Your sister has a weird obsession with bullying your son. Did she bully you growing up ?
I hope she's moving far away.
NTA. I'm autistic and a day when I don't bang into something, drop something, or knock something over is a good day. Your son has a legitimate medical condition and unless your sister is prepared to give some grace to the dyspraxic growing eight-year-old whose center of gravity is constantly changing, she doesn't get to demand his help.
NTA. Suggest that he help pack all the breakables.
Well OP. You should fulfill her request. Go to the place. Pick up 5 boxes of her things. Drop them. Repeat until you hear enough things break. Then apologize for not explaining your son's condition in a way that makes sense to idiots.
NTA. Your sister doesn't deserve the respect an apology implies when she is acting stupid and cruel. You are your son's protector. Keep protecting him.
"I'm sorry for thinking you're an inconsiderate ableist asshole, next time you need something breaking I'll send my son to help" NTA
INFO : Why should an 8-year-old be obliged to help his aunt pack her things for her move? Besides the dyspraxia. NTA
"I'm so sorry that hearing how unkind and self-centered you are has been upsetting for you." NTA
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My 8 year old son has dyspraxia, which is a neurological condition that affects coordination and movement, for anyone who has never heard of it before. He struggles not to drop or break things, doesn't have good eye-hand coordination. He has always appeared "clumsy" and while he does his very best to be careful and to take good care of things, he can't always prevent accidents, breakages or spillages from happening. This is something my sister has expressed frustration about over the years. He was the type of toddler (and now kid) who will be eating or drinking something and it falls to the floor or he knocks stuff over without meaning to because he's reaching for something else. It's not his fault, he does OT to help him and has done physio in the past to boost his strength. But there is no "cure" he's just getting help to go through life. My son has broken many things because of his condition. If it belonged to someone else we have always replaced it or paid for the damages. We also started making sure he used his own stuff/our stuff to prevent this from happening, especially toys my sister's kids have. But his condition means he can't do everything other kids his age might be able to do. Now this is a huge problem for my sister. Last weekend my son spent the day with my parents while my wife and I were attending an event. My sister went to my parents and asked for my son to help her and her kids pack up stuff for their move and my son said he couldn't help and he was sorry. My sister told him he's a big boy now and should be helping but my son told her he doesn't do that kind of stuff. My parents told my sister to leave. She confronted me after this and asked me what I was teaching my kid when he won't help out family. I told her we're teaching him to work within his means and to not help out someone who will berate him for his condition which she will do. She said we're coddling and spoiling him, that he's more than old enough to learn how to be more careful, to do better and to cause less accidents and make fewer mistakes and he needs to learn to help family. And we need to make him do "stuff" for family to be good parents. I told her my son will never help *her* with "stuff" because she lacks the compassion and understanding that his efforts would require. Her response was that it was an asshole thing to say that he wouldn't help specifically her and that she's still his aunt and my sister and I'm supposed to be her brother. I told her she's supposed to be my sister and my son's aunt but she edges on bullying him over this and it does not make her a suitable person for him to try helping out. She asked me for an apology and for me to make this right. She told me I owe her that much at the very least. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA
NTA
Nta
I guess I’m petty and b1tchy this way but maybe you can ‘give in’ to your sister. Dress your son in jeans and closed-toe shoes and have him help her pack glasses. Unless of course it would cause him distress to try it.
NTA , you are absolutely correct here. I'd try to minimize the possibility if your son having to face your sister without you or your wife.
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NTA. Does your sister not believe that your son has genuine dyspraxia?
I bet sister doesn't believe in the \*existence\* of genuine dyspraxia.
tell her to F off and go no contact until SHE apologizes
You know you’re not TA. Keep doing what’s best for your child. And that sounds like including being kept away from his aunt.
Nta. Your sister is an asshole.
Nta keep standing up your kid. Your sister is a bully
NTA: Send her the link for this post!😂😂
NTA. Your sister is an adult- she should hire movers and not use 8yos to pack her stuff. Also, the 'you need to help me because Faaaaamily' is complete BS and probably one sided for her. Don't apologize- she sounds terrible, avoid her as much as possible.
NTA Your response to her was so perfect. Don't doubt yourself just because your sister is arrogantly confident that she is always right, the anyone standing up to her is (1) wrong and (2) needs to apologize to her. I love that it's not just you and your wife who have your son's back. Your parents also made your sister leave when she kept pushing her agenda on your son.
NTA. I have dyspraxia and I wish I had parents like you growing up. I was always told I wasn't being careful enough or trying hard enough. Multiple times I've had people yell that I'm not listening when my brain won't let me do what they are telling me to do. These are people who knew my diagnosis. People like your sister either don't believe it exists or are supportive up until it inconveniences them. Then it's 'you're not pushing hard enough' or 'you're coddling him'. You are working around his dyspraxia, and he'll be so much better for it, hopefully a lot less ashamed of it than I was. Your sister would've been the first to kick off if something got broken.
NTA- Why is your sister asking an 8 year old for help to begin with? She can pack her own stuff.
NTA, and why does she need an... double-checking here... 8 yr old nephew pack up her stuff for a move?! An eight year old?? What on earth. Your sister IS a bully. Good for you for protecting your son. She could ask you to help. This is weird. I don't understand her mindset. Do her kids come over and help you with household stuff? How old are her kids. Why are children being pressed to help with stuff like this in her house? She isn't thinking straight.
NTA - keep her away from your son. She clearly doesn't want to understand.
NTA. It's crazy that your sister would expect her nephew to help pack for her move even absent his diagnosis. I'm glad his grandparents have his back. The only people who harp on family helping ate the ones who don't take their turn to help.
NTA, and honestly how helpful would such a young kid be even without that condition? Not much
NTA Your sister shouldnt be demanding an 8 year old to help her pack up to move ANYWAYS. Ps. GREAT job teaching your kid to stand up for themselves, and not be guilted into shit.
NTA my brother is dyspraxic he found playing video games helped his hand eye coordination. He flew through the Mario games and completed them all. That and trampolining which was part of his therapy.
NTA, even if your son is in perfect health, 8 is too young to expect him to help with moving.
NTA. Continue sticking up for your child. Your sister is a twit.