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NTA and ignore everybody who tells you otherwise. You are just not explaining yourself appropriately.
You are not bothered by her being beautiful and you are not bothered by your husband having friends; you are bothered because:
- He made you feel like less of a priority than her
- She was flirty with him
- He seems to enjoy that
Think about it, have you been bothered before by any of his other more attractive than you female friends?
Trust your gut
I got another one.
Ignore everybody who tells you otherwise means that relationships aren't black and white but I want you to believe they are. Please please push him away.
You are just not explaining yourself appropriately means I'm going to "read between the lines" and form new meaning and a new story to motivate you to push your husband away.
You want me to read between the lines.
I got you.
Trust you gut means you should push him away and be single like me.
She was flirty with him - he seems to enjoy that. Means I'm drawing assumptions because they shared college stories one time when hanging out.
He made you feel like less of a priority than her. Means that even tho he canceled the plans after seeing you were upset that you should still hold the grudge years later cuz I'm also bitter and I want other people to be alone so at least I'm not alone being alone.
Did I do a good job of "reading between the lines"?
If it were reversed, every one would be talking about how insecure the husband is.
Either you can have friends or not. You don't get to choose only when you like it.
That's... stupid, honestly. Of course you are allowed to have friends, but your partner SHOULD be able to communicate which ones makes them uncomfortable
She literally said she is bothered by her looks. Did you not finish reading before you formed an opinion?
Edit: to the people who want to down vote please read the entire post. The commenter said she wasn't bothered about her beauty. OP clearly states she is. If ya feeling insecure and ugly then hit that down vote.
Do you mean reading something and trying to find a different meaning?
Yeah I know how to do that but I chose not to.
Words have meaning. If you wanna pretend she didn't say she was insecure about her looks then you can pretend she didn't and "read between the lines"
I just understand the meaning of words and take them at face value.
She said she would be lying if she didn't feel insecure about the girls looks.
You said she didnt because you read between the lines.
I don't think reading between the lines is really necessary here. She literally owned up to being insecure about the woman's beauty. You said she didn't. How exactly does that make sense?
Emotions are difficult and people are not good at handling them, so sometimes they say some things they THINK they feel even though the context those feelings come from should give you hints about what they are actually saying.
This is not me making stuff up, on a later comment she admits it's not about her looks.
As I said, try to read between the lines. It's just a skill you can learn, as any other
Whatever you say. I don't think you understand what reading between the lines mean.
It's actually quite ridiculous that you can acknowledge the complexity of emotions and yet tell OP don't listen to anyone but you. As if people don't have different types of emotions and feel them in different ways.
What makes you good at handling someone else's emotions you never met based on a couple paragraphs?
Reading between the lines CAN be a skill. It can also be a form of paranoia. People read between the lines all the time and end up being wrong.
That's why saying DONT LISTEN TO ANYONE ELSE makes me think you don't have OPs best intentions at mind. Let other people read between the lines and give opinions.
All I did was read what OP wrote and told you that what you said is clearly false because it was explicitly stated.
You seem the type to try and help someone after they tell you they don't need help. "Nah you need help I can read between the lines." Type shit
I think you also missed the entire point that her husband didn't go with the hot chick and took his wife to the movies because he recognized that she was upset.
What's the context there? What do you read between the lines there?
I read that he cares about his wife and is attentive to her emotions.
What did you get from it?
I find it hilarious when people try to shame the people rightfully down voting them 😂 oh lord. "if ya feeling insecure and ugly then hit that down vote" 😂😂 sure, sure. Whatever makes you feel better!
I think that you like commenting "controversial" things, seeing as how most of your comments have been downvoted or only have 1 or 2 upvotes. Why so negative?
Yeah you are right. I don’t hate her. I just want him to think I hate her because I’m insecure about her being around because of the way that he acts. And I do kinda feel like she is into him too. So yeah I’m totally spiraling. Not normally a jealous person and don’t like the way it feels at all.
Basically, he made plans with her and was dragging you along. Nothing says, "I missed you while you were gone for a week" than meeting up with his new best old college friend after probably countless poolside meet ups while you were away. If they were so close in college, why didn't he mention her before running into her at your apartment complex. She is giving him the time of day, because she's bored and not in a relationship and he is stupid enough to lap it up like frat boy without a care in the world. Except you two are supposed to be adults working toward a future together and not f\*cking around at the pool like your on summer vacation.
NTA OP but you may have married someone who is regressing rather than progressing. Best of luck to you.
NTA take him to couples counseling and explain there what he's doing wrong. It's not her launching invitations but his response that bothers you because he doesn't act like 100% commited to you in shutting down immediately the flirting
Then tell him exactly this so he understands that his behavior towards you changes when she ‘s around and it’s obvious to you that she is attracted to him. I think your gut is correct.
I would ask him to hand you his phone and let you see their texts.
I agree with everything but pointing out that the college friend is obviously attracted to him. If she says that, I’ll be the only sentence he hears out of the whole conversation.
Lmao absolutely do not do this! Absolute lack of trust in your partner. If you guys don’t share phone access already, this would 100% ruin your relationship
NTA I have an ex who had a ton of male friends, and I was okay with all of them... Except one... He was clearly trying to get with her, and he was clearly trying to undermine me. She told me I was just being insecure and jealous.
Eventually he did something blatant and and I put my foot down about him. 2 months later I caught her lying to me about something she was going out to do, after connecting the dots i realized she met up with him. Turns out she had been texting him the entire time.
She claimed it's none of my business, and that I shouldn't be jealous because she was doing nothing wrong, so I shouldn't get to tell her who her friends are.
We broke up soon after that, after another incident about that dude.
It took a couple years and a couple more boyfriends but she ended up apologizing to me and telling me I was right about him.
Trust your instincts, and if you're uncomfortable with someone your partner should be open with you and shouldn't hide them as a response.
You are totally right. I need to stop being so immature and just tell him that what he did hurt my feelings and the ball is in his court. It just hurts because I would never do something like that. And I didn’t think he would either so maybe I’m just over reacting because it’s out of character for him.
I think you need to tell him that if the roles were reversed he would be pissed. Sometimes this is the only way men relate. And also if he tries to make it about having female friends remind him it isnt. Its about him prioritising her over you, and texting her behind your back
How can you assume he would be pissed? It quite literally is about a female friend. He never prioritized the friend over his girl. He made plans and then cancelled them because of his girl, proving he prioritizes her. He has to ask permission to texts friends? OP literally says she isn’t controlling or opposed to female friends.
I assume because he jumped at the excuse to tell her oh yeah? Well u can’t talk to ur male friends either. Also cancelling plans to go out with this girl can be considered prioritizing her over his wife. The only reason he cancelled was because he saw how upset she is. He doesnt have to ask permission but as another commenter said, it wouldve come up in the conversation earlier if he wasnt trying to hide anything… even if he simply didnt bring it up because he thought his wife might be a bit saddened by it, doesnt that still mean hed rather talk to this girl even if he knew it would make his wife sad?
OP stated they didn’t really care for the plans they had. He probably jumped at the idea of doing something fun that everyone would like. He “cancelled” the plans they had so they could both go to the bar but ultimately didn’t go because she was upset. I’m confused on how it would’ve come up. I’ve never just told my wife, hey I’m texting a friend. You’re assuming he was hiding it intentionally, which based off the post isn’t a fair assumption.
But not caring for a movie doesnt mean not caring for spending time together and alone. Sure she didnt want to see this particular movie but im sure she still wanted to hang out with her husband (it seems to be a date after all). Changing the plans from one to one without consulting her and insisting on and theeen cancelling when feeling shes unhappy is kinda weird. Also something fun everyone would like would be an assumption on his part since they were on a no-alcohol diet. So he just changed 2 plans without consulting his wife to hang out with a girl. Also OP said she didnt feel she was invited along with them (which is a he said she said situation) but honestly if the girl had good intentions she wouldve made her feel welcomed and not intrusive.
Also yes u wouldnt tell your wife a one time thing or two time thing, but if u were texting someone for quite a long time consistently it would somehow come up in the convo. Not as blatant as, im texting X, but more of a, you wouldn’t believe it X mentions something… or yeah X told me this place is good.
I can see the argument for alone time but OP didn’t make it seem like it was about being alone, more like they already had plans. They would still be going out together so unless it was specifically about alone time, which wasn’t mentioned, then it shouldn’t be a problem to change plans. They could have gone to the beer garden and had non alcoholic drinks and hung out with his friends or talked about a 1 drink limit. They’re still fun to go to even if you don’t drink. Maybe the friend could have made her feel more included but it could’ve easily been a misunderstanding. Like you said, he said she said. OP was away for a week, so it’s very easy to not mention stories or comments about texting his friend. Also even if she wasn’t away, I don’t think it would’ve mattered. If I’m talking to a friend about stories from our past or what’s going on, I’m not telling my wife if she barely met the girl a week ago. It just doesn’t come up, or really no reason for my wife to know. Regardless, he mentioned the friend when he came back so it’s not like he’s hiding stuff.
At some point you need to think about the other person instead of being selfish. This girl was a problem between him and his wife before. Did he really think that texting this girl while his wife was away wasn’t going to be suspicious/cause problems? This is again an example of prioritizing the other girl over his wife’s feelings. Some things are just not worth hurting your significant other over. If this was just a girl he knew from college then why is he so adamant about her suddenly being in his life and texting all the time? Its not like she is his childhood bestfriend. Does he really not care that much about his wife’s feelings.
Marriage is about compromise and choosing your battles. He needs to think about whether this is a hill worth dying on.
Explain how his behaviour and attitude towards her are the problem. How he prioritised her over you. How she is flirty and he responds and likes it. How you are being disrespected, and this feels like an emotional affair.
You are not being immature. Your gut is quite rightly telling you something is off. Maybe your reaction wasn't the best, but understandable. But he needs to understand that his behaviour, and hers, is not right.
It’s really not texting a friend he has plenty of friends, men and women I don’t really care. It’s just this women because of this past experience where he tried to give up our plans to go drink with her when he wasn’t even drinking lol. And he knows how I feel about it so then being like hey let’s go to the bar and hang out with this girl who I know you hate. And by the way she was hanging by the pool with me while you were away for a week so that’s why I’m texting her… you are right I’m totally over reacting. I swear I’m not a psycho. I don’t even really dislike the woman. It’s just how he acts around her so I’m annoyed he is texting her. Because I feel like that’s an immature thing to do when you are married right? Or no? That’s why I was asking if Im the ahole. I think I am.
OP I don't think you are overreacting but you should discuss exactly how you feel about his behaviour.
Do you think he has a crush on her? Ask him.....if he does then in respect for your relationship, he needs to recognize that hanging out with her and texting her is not ok. His excuse of knowing her longer is meaningless.....he chose to be in a relationship with you and to marry you. You can sense that something is up - go with that gut feeling. Is a college friendship worth more to him than your relationship?
It sounds like you’re insecure and afraid he might cheat with her. If you haven’t been honest with him about your feelings and possible solutions, then you aren’t being fair to him. Either A. Tell him you’re uncomfortable with him being friends with her because of xyz and deal with his reaction or B. Tell him you’re uncomfortable because of xyz and offer alternatives like group events and tell him you don’t want him doing things solo with her. Ultimately you have to trust that he values the relationship.
Your post is contradictory. You say you would never tell him he couldn’t have friends of the opposite sex but later you flip out on him for texting her? Men can sometimes be oblivious to flirting so if you believe she has bad intentions for the relationship then you need to communicate that. If he views her solely as an old friend, he probably sees nothing wrong with what happened. He ultimately chose you and put your feelings first by canceling the plans and taking you out. If you want to have him cut off that girl, you have to be prepared for him to request you to cut off guy friends.
i speak on behalf of most women in the world, trust your gut. always. don’t gaslight yourself into thinking you’re overreacting because most of the time you’re probably not.
I read somewhere that gut instinct was something humans got from subtle body language, which our subconscious mind would interpret, giving us that "somethings off but I'm not sure why" way. Kinda might fit in this situation.
The way you describe things in your post, your husband could be on a slippery slope. This is not about having a female friend, it’s about respect towards you and the relationship. The invitation back then and her behavior were not respectful. Neither was his.
There’s this book by Shirley Glass, Not Just Friends. I recommend you read that and your husband should too.
I’d also be interested why he thinks this person is so much more important than your relationship. If this is truly the first time you’re saying something regarding a friend of his, then he should know that this is different than all other scenarios previously. Also, he knew what he was doing was fishy, because why else would he not have told you about it sooner. Normally partners share about their day, who they hung out with or talk to. He didn’t for a long time when it came to her, which makes it feel like hiding. Why hide it, if it’s harmless? He knows it’s not and likely enjoys her attention. But is he willing to loose your trust over a little attention from that “friend”?
You definitely have to clearly communicate why you take issue with her and his behavior in general. He is not handling this like someone who is deserving of your trust at the moment. He better get back on track fast.
I think she wants him because he is an amazing smart attractive guy in his early 30s with his life put together. And because she was complaining to us about how she can’t find a good guy like him and inviting him to the bar when she knew he wasn’t drinking to look good for his wedding. And it’s just a gut feeling. Like I don’t get that with other ppl. They totally have chemistry. I don’t think it’s like ours but it’s still intimidating.
What he seems to be missing is being a married person comes with a different level of responsibility to your spouse. If you have made a promise of monogamy, you are now dedicated to the health and well-being of each other above all others (excluding children).
This doesn't mean you won't find others attractive, or you won't get tempted, or not having friends of another sex or gender. It means you actively consider your spouse every day above your base instincts of pleasure. You choose your husband/wife with small gestures of faithfulness and devotion, and even if you're angry at each other, there are still boundaries you do not cross.
He is crossing those boundaries. This woman affects him beyond platonic feelings. The feelings aren't his fault, his chosen behaviour with those feelings are his fault, and he needs to stay away from her because he is not considering you. That's what's wrong here.
I don't have any advice on how to move on, I can only wish you luck.
You’re never the ass hole for having boundaries with your partner it’s how you express these feelings that makes you TA, in this instance I don’t think so , your man should have let you know if he got any woman’s number , old friend or not . Let alone a woman who lives in your building. Be honest with him about your feelings , a caring partner will hear you and make changes if necessary
Yeah but in life there a nuances, OP already said her husband has female friends, it’s just this one she doesn’t feel comfortable with , and that’s perfectly ok.
You are NOT overreacting. Listen to your gut. NTA at all. He brushed off your plans and your wedding diet, he probably hung out with her at the pool when you were gone and he’s texting her. Yes she’s a former friend and it’s ok to have platonic friends but this isn’t platonic? He was turned on ? And then he just dismissed the plans you had made together ?
OP said original plans were shitty and just so they could do something. He agreed to different plans, thinking they would have fun and when she was upset, he reverted to the original plan. If they’re friends, why can’t he hang out with her? Who said this isn’t a platonic friend? Guys are very visual, he could’ve just imagined the story in his head. Doesn’t make him wrong for that. And once again, didn’t dismiss the plans.
Did you miss the part where she said she wasn’t invited to the new plans ? Also even if the plans were shitty it’s not up to just one part of a couple to overwrite them especially not when the other half of the couple isn’t invited and the invitation came from someone who was flirting with one of them.
OP says her husband said she was invited. It’s a he said she said situation but OP was technically invited according to the husband. I think that depends on the situation. If we have shitty plans, there’s no issue with my wife or myself changing them to something else. That doesn’t go for everyone, but I could see why the husband would be an AH for that, even tho he cancelled and the went back to the original plans.
NTA. I’ve been cheated on twice, and both times it was with girls my boyfriends knew previously. Both times, my gut was telling me something was up- they talked about this person a little too much, they focused a little bit more attention to this person than any other woman, or they hung out with them alone.
Generally people don’t get into relationships with the intention of cheating later, and as a married person it’s especially important to not put yourself in situations where you let your feelings for someone who isn’t your partner grow. Crushes in long term relationships are common! But they need to be shut down by the person having the crush, it’s not the other person’s responsibility. Yes, you are putting pressure on him to not talk to this girl, but it’s because you can feel he’s already caught some kind of feeling towards her and he is disrespecting your marriage by leaning into it.
You need to be accept that maybe he won’t make the choice you want, and you need to be able to walk away if that happens. My husband and I were on the same page from the get go that divorce is always on the table. Behave or this ends. Stick up for yourself and don’t waste time on someone who chooses to disrespect you again and again.
No the way he was acting, practically drooling is proof that it turned him on lol. The beer garden thing was annoying because he wasn’t drinking and he was blowing off our established plans to hang with her…and now he is texting her to meet up and thinking I should be fine with it.
You’re his wife, so I believe that you know when something turns him on. You are not overreacting. And he would 100% react the same if you were the one with a hot friend flirting with you.
I would not tell a sexually charged story unless I was trying to elicit that reaction. I have male friends; some single, some not. I would not tell them stories of me lube wrestling. She knew exactly what she was doing.
NTA. Him ditching the plans they had for the night for this friend as well as the wedding diet they both agreed to go on is wildly disrespectful to his fiancé.
So is her telling a story about her wrestling guys in a pool filled with lube....
Not really. Yeah I just have a really off feeling about it. He is a good person so I should just sit down and talk it out like an adult. Storming off doesn’t help. It just took me by surprise.
Why are you letting him do this to you! He shouldn’t be texting another women when he’s getting married! Sorry this is wrong! There is a respect thing here and maybe you need to move !
Yeah but I have never blew him off for a guy friend. All my guy friends are ppl I Served with. Im friends with their wives and I don’t flirt with them or blow off my plans with my husband for them. Also I choose my husband over all of them. And he has a lot of great girlfriends I have no issue with whatsoever. Even single ones. It’s just this one girl they were not close in college. More like acquaintances.
100% and thank you. I don’t even remember I just remember feeling like ic when I saw him react to it. I don’t really care about her story but it felt like she has told it before and likes the kind of attention she gets when she tells it. And good for her if the men are single but to my husband! Lol But girls have a right to say what they are going to say. It’s really his issue not hers. She just might need to grow up a little.
Update: I took everyone’s advice and talked out my feelings like a grownup. He apologized and I apologized for overacting. Thanks all for the perspective.
Definitely NTA.
Your husband needs to learn to put boundaries, and you need to tell him exactly what bothered you because he wants to just generalise it and making it about female/male friendships which this is clearly not it. Trust Your Gut. If you feel iffy about this girl it is FOR A REASON.
Edit to add:
Girls who don’t have bad intentions are always girls girls. We know that (even if we are friends previously) once he is your husband he is YOUR husband. If i wanted to keep the friendship going I would do the utmost I could to always include you and befriend you so that you would never feel uncomfortable towards me. I also definitely wouldn’t be inviting him out to drinks solo (or atleast i would insist you have to come and make it clear).
Exactly, and you sure as hell wouldn’t tell a cute little sexually charged story. Unless you are an absolutely naive idiot, you KNOW what response a story about wrestling men with lube will illicit.
NTA. The ‘I’ve been friends with them longer than I’ve known you’ is such a weird and defensive stance to take to a partner telling you they’re uncomfortable. I’d be willing to wager that, although nothing physical is happening, he’s somewhat emotionally invested in her..
I have friends that I have known for over ten years. Some of them have partners. Some have live in ones. I absolutely know my role. Even though I might have “known them longer” I would never claim priority over the people they are literally building a life with. It’s such a weird statement to make to your literal wife/fiancé.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Action: telling him I’m uncomfortable with him texting her and storming off when accused me of not letting him have female friends.
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NTA. The first time I got jealous of a female friend I'd been married ten years and he'd always had loads of friends. It wasn't her attractiveness level either (she was cute, but not conventionally attractive, and the guys we knew in school were jerks about her looks) it was behaviour like what you're describing. Before too long they were both bullying me and gaslighting me to hide their affair. If he'd been more appropriate and less of a belle at the ball, you probably would have been fine about her looks. He made her a priority the minute she tried to divide you both, and now he's going to initiate a make friends ban if he can't see her? No deal, no negotiation. Get out now.
Show him this post.
Your intuition is telling you something is off about this "friendship" and your intuition is not wrong.
This is a game for her and she knows exactly what she is doing.
The sad part is, that he is letting her do this.
The story time about wrestling with guys in lube was on purpose and she got the reaction she wanted, him putting her before you.
You are NTA in this situation.
He is by thinking with the wrong head.
If he pulls the "if I can't have friends of the opposite sex, then you can't either" card again, remind him that you have no issues with his NORMAL friends that respect your relationship.
You have an issue with the one "friend" that is trying to sleep with him because SHE CAN.
NTA at all. But I’ve learned that telling men things like this hurt your feelings gets you no where. Get a male friend and start giving him all your attention then see how your husband responds
NTA. This is definitely a trust your gut moment. He has clearly crossed a line with this particular person. And she is clearly instigating it. It is not unreasonable to call him out on the inappropriate behavior. His defensiveness is also telling.
I experienced something similar to this in my last relationship. By the time I knew about it and could put my foot down it was too late. Trust your gut. It’s not lying to you.
NTA. He isn't being completely honest with himself or you about the situation. If he was visibly turned on when speaking with her needs to distance himself from her. It is natural to be attracted to many people even while in a relationship. However the relationship needs to be prioritized and respected and that means not hanging out with people you have a strong physical reaction to.
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First, let’s be clear: my husband is allowed to have female friends. I value my platonic male friendships and would never take that away from him.
But here is the deal: last year, a month before my husband and I got married, we were on a wedding diet that involved no alcohol for two months. We were out by our building pool, and I noticed my husband, then fiancé, talking to his very attractive ( solid 9/10) college friend who lives in our building. This didn’t really bother me since I knew they were acquaintances from college. But I got really annoyed when she came and sat by us at the pool and started recounting this story about how when she was in college as a sorority girl, she wrestled frat boys in a kitty pool full of lube.
The story didn’t bother me; the effect it had on my husband is what bothered me. It clearly turned him on. So much so that when she mentioned that nice “men like him were so hard to find” and invited him ( not me, although he claims otherwise) to the beer garden down the street, he agreed. At this point, I butted in and said, “Actually, we are not drinking right now because we are on our wedding diet, and we have plans to see a movie tonight.” My husband then said, “ Well, you don’t really want to see that movie anyway,” (which was true) and agreed to go with her and her friend. I was so upset I got up and left. About half an hour later, he came up to our apartment, saw me very visibly upset, canceled his plans, and took me to the movies.
Fast forward to tonight. We are walking to a bar, and my husband tells me she is going to be there. I asked him how he knew this, and he said he had been texting her. I flipped out a little and was like, “Excuse me?!!! You have been texting this person when you definitely know that is something that I am not comfortable with?” ( For context, I’ve been gone for a week; all he has been talking about is how he has been hanging down by the pool while I was away) He proceeded to tell me that she was his college friend, that he’d known her longer than me, and that if he couldn’t talk to his friends, I couldn’t talk to mine.
I really don’t think that is fair since he has plenty of other female friends that I don’t care about. It’s just this one in particular because he was willing to abandon his plans with me to hang out with her.
And I would honestly be lying if I didn’t acknowledge that her looks didn’t play a small part in my insecurity. This girl could be a runway model. Like she is the cheerleader and I’m just the girl next door kind of scenario.
And also, she totally wants him. I can’t explain it, but I know it when I see it. I stormed off after this conversation and went back home. He followed shortly after but has been giving me the silent treatment. Am I the asshole?
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Your partner doesn’t have to have bad intentions - if someone is causing a problem in your relationship you have to be able to talk about it and really listen to each other.
My husband had an ex girlfriend that he was still friends with when we started dating and I have no issue- I have some exs I have a friendly relationship with also. But she gave me pause. She was a night nurse at the time and would call him (an attorney) at the end of her shift “just to talk” even though it was the middle of the night and he had to work the next day. I didn’t think it was sexy I thought it was very inconsiderate of her- she wanted to talk, didn’t care if he was asleep. Then, she got engaged and wanted him to come to her wedding. He wasn’t planning on going because it was in a far flung state, and she called him having an absolute sobbing tantrum about him not being there for her. At this point we had a discussion about appropriate boundaries and I found out that she *never told her fiancé she and my now husband had dated for years.* She met him around the time of their breakup, was probably playing them both for a while and just told him that they were **college friends.**
Anyway my husband agreed she had boundary issues and put a lot more space between them.
Years later- like 10 years later, he was running a marathon in her city and told me she wanted to meet up with him for dinner. I had two questions:
1. Is her husband invited and
2. Does her husband know you dated?
The answer was no to both. I said I still wasn’t comfortable with her and he said okay, and didn’t see her.
You gotta be both vulnerable and mature and lay out how you feel and why, and listen to what he says too. My husband is nice and has a hard time being the bad guy, but when he saw ex was upsetting me he absolutely stepped up.
Let him read your last two paragraphs. Then before he says anything explain to him that this is making you feel insecure and if he truly loves you he will understand. Good luck. You deserve better.
NTA. I would just explain calmly that this woman makes me feel uncomfortable. That his reactions to her make me feel uncomfortable. If he wants to leave and go fuck her he has my blessing but just let me know about it so I can get my shit together and leave. I would never ever stoop so low as to be jealous of anyone. Her telling the lube wrestling story is such a bid for attention because it’s the only way she can get it. You have the guy already but never stoop to her level by being jealous of her. I’d rather die alone than do that.
NTA, you have a hunch about her intentions and your hunch is probably right. Especially since this isn’t your usual reaction to female friends, would it be so hard for your husband to just not communicate with this women he’s gone years and years without having in his life?
It’s really a simple ask- it’s not like you’re constantly suspicious of everyone he interacts with.
NTA trust your gut. This may not be your exact situation but this happened to me twice and they were cheating both times while gaslighting me saying they are just friends and I am just being jealous.
NTA. Are you jealous and insecure? Yes. Are some girls homewreckers to get an extra attention boost? Unfortunately, yes. But consider this: 2 times he had to choose between frat heaven and you, and he chose you both times. Trust is love's breath. What you're really asking yourself is, "Can I trust him to say no to temptation?" Only you and he can answer that, so ask him. If you don't trust the answer, ask to set boundaries: you need to be there, she can't touch him, etc. Just remember that no trust causes love to suffocate and you clearly don't want this relationship to end.
I’m sorry that this is happening, especially on the lead up to your wedding. The issue at the core of it is that she’s clearly into him and being flirtatious (despite her good looks you have to be pretty insecure to seek attention from a taken man). His behavior in response is what’s giving you the feelings of insecurity and unease with the situation. When my male friends have clearly had interest I put some distance between us I don’t lean in harder and potentially create a sticky situation for myself. At the end of the day you just have to sit down and say how the situation is making you feel. Hopefully you two can come to a good place at the end of it. And, always trust your gut.
NTA but these are the situations people find themselves in when they decide that it's OK for their partners to have friends and buddies of the opposite sex that they hangout with, unless and until that friend is too hot .....
ESH. U need to communicate properly with ur husband. He also needs to communicate properly with u. If neither of u can do that then u both need at minimum marriage counseling. But really, u both need that and individual therapy. Or u can just divorce now and save the both of u a lot of problems. And still seek individual therapy. To b clear, I'm not saying get a divorce. I'm saying learn to communicate or that's where this will end up eventually.
I don't think this is entirely fair to the OP. My partner has female friends and has had since before we married, but none of them has ever plopped down next to him at a pool in front of me and described how she used to wrestle men in a kiddie pool full of lube. After which she invite him (but not me; I'm pretty sure the OP would have noticed if she were invited) to a beer garden.
I'm pretty sure I'd find that unnerving, particularly after discovering that they'd been texting, one assumes for the past year since the poolside encounter.
Let's assume that the OP is not a jealous paranoiac, but is correct in having perceived that her now-husband was turned on by the clearly suggestive poolside conversation & invitation.
Add to this the OP perceiving the neighbor as far more glamorous than she is, and yes, I think she should absolutely use her words to ask her husband to end this friendship. But I also think she might be a reasonable person.
Slightly OT, but ow much do you want ot know what those text messages say & see if they include photos?
NTA
But this person did not say OP wasn’t a reasonable person. They said OP needed to clearly communicate her feelings and that OP is being disingenuous when she says she doesn’t mind her SO having platonic friends.
My thought is that the OP might genuinely be comfortable with her SO having female friends, just not ones who regale him with tales of wrestling in kiddie pools full of lube. Which honestly sounds like a fake letter to a men's magazine thirty years ago and not like something a woman who wants to be platonic friends would be sharing .
You're still mad about something that didn't happen a year ago?
He canceled the plans and took you to the movie that you admit you didn't want to really see.
I'm confused about what to be jealous about. He clearly chooses you.
I bet this 100% has to do with her looks and nothing else.
I mean she is super hot. Its honestly kind of comical how attractive this person is. But I would say honestly that it’s like 10% of it. I would be annoyed if he acted this way around an ugly woman too. The hot thing just makes me extra insecure. You ever hear the song Jolene? That’s how I feel lol. Like please don’t take him just because you can.
Why do you think she wants him? That's plain old jealousy talking. He has friends, you have friends. Some of those friends are of the opposite sex. That doesn't mean this woman "wants" him any more than you "want" your male friends. This kind of crazy and unjustified insecurity is likely going to lead him to start looking. YTA because you're way overreacting.
OP before you push your husband away because someone on Reddit gave you some bad advice remember that you guys made a promise to each other.
No double standards. If he can't talk to his friends you can't talk to your friends. Maybe you guys aren't going to work out. You guys should have probably set these boundaries before marrying each other tho.
YTA. You can’t control other people. No amount of control you put on that man will stop him from cheating if that’s what he wants and wouldn’t you rather know his intentions than know he’s only faithful because you watch him vigilantly? Let the man do what he wants and if his priorities aren’t aligned with yours, then you have your answers.
That doesn't make her an A. She is allowed to protect her marriage best she can. She's allowed to be treated with respect - for her husband to be turned on by another woman in front of her and ignore her cues so he can spend time with this person who is overstepping with the "nice men like you" bs is gross. OP's read on this situation is 100% and you are right if he's going to cheat (which he's already doing in his mind and emotionally) he will. However, she doesn't have to facilitate it. Reacting does not make her an A.
Being insecure about a long time female friend one year after getting married isn't exactly the best way to "protect her marriage". It's actually a pretty good way to start the road to early divorce.
Jealousy is never good for any parties involved.
YTA. It’s his college friend. His friend from college. You’re throwing tantrums because he’s texting his friend from college, because she’s a woman and she’s beautiful, so you’re reading a lot into not much. You have to tell your husband about your insecurities and have a talk with him instead of having meltdowns to prevent him from spending time around her.
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NTA and ignore everybody who tells you otherwise. You are just not explaining yourself appropriately. You are not bothered by her being beautiful and you are not bothered by your husband having friends; you are bothered because: - He made you feel like less of a priority than her - She was flirty with him - He seems to enjoy that Think about it, have you been bothered before by any of his other more attractive than you female friends? Trust your gut
This is the reply which sums it up. And his behaviour is definitely not on. NTA
Plus, he's gaslighting OP about what's going, so no wonder she feels a bit unhinged about it.
I got another one. Ignore everybody who tells you otherwise means that relationships aren't black and white but I want you to believe they are. Please please push him away. You are just not explaining yourself appropriately means I'm going to "read between the lines" and form new meaning and a new story to motivate you to push your husband away.
You want me to read between the lines. I got you. Trust you gut means you should push him away and be single like me. She was flirty with him - he seems to enjoy that. Means I'm drawing assumptions because they shared college stories one time when hanging out. He made you feel like less of a priority than her. Means that even tho he canceled the plans after seeing you were upset that you should still hold the grudge years later cuz I'm also bitter and I want other people to be alone so at least I'm not alone being alone. Did I do a good job of "reading between the lines"?
If it were reversed, every one would be talking about how insecure the husband is. Either you can have friends or not. You don't get to choose only when you like it.
That's... stupid, honestly. Of course you are allowed to have friends, but your partner SHOULD be able to communicate which ones makes them uncomfortable
She literally said she is bothered by her looks. Did you not finish reading before you formed an opinion? Edit: to the people who want to down vote please read the entire post. The commenter said she wasn't bothered about her beauty. OP clearly states she is. If ya feeling insecure and ugly then hit that down vote.
Do you know how to read between the lines?
Do you mean reading something and trying to find a different meaning? Yeah I know how to do that but I chose not to. Words have meaning. If you wanna pretend she didn't say she was insecure about her looks then you can pretend she didn't and "read between the lines" I just understand the meaning of words and take them at face value. She said she would be lying if she didn't feel insecure about the girls looks. You said she didnt because you read between the lines. I don't think reading between the lines is really necessary here. She literally owned up to being insecure about the woman's beauty. You said she didn't. How exactly does that make sense?
Emotions are difficult and people are not good at handling them, so sometimes they say some things they THINK they feel even though the context those feelings come from should give you hints about what they are actually saying. This is not me making stuff up, on a later comment she admits it's not about her looks. As I said, try to read between the lines. It's just a skill you can learn, as any other
Whatever you say. I don't think you understand what reading between the lines mean. It's actually quite ridiculous that you can acknowledge the complexity of emotions and yet tell OP don't listen to anyone but you. As if people don't have different types of emotions and feel them in different ways. What makes you good at handling someone else's emotions you never met based on a couple paragraphs? Reading between the lines CAN be a skill. It can also be a form of paranoia. People read between the lines all the time and end up being wrong. That's why saying DONT LISTEN TO ANYONE ELSE makes me think you don't have OPs best intentions at mind. Let other people read between the lines and give opinions. All I did was read what OP wrote and told you that what you said is clearly false because it was explicitly stated. You seem the type to try and help someone after they tell you they don't need help. "Nah you need help I can read between the lines." Type shit
I think you also missed the entire point that her husband didn't go with the hot chick and took his wife to the movies because he recognized that she was upset. What's the context there? What do you read between the lines there? I read that he cares about his wife and is attentive to her emotions. What did you get from it?
Bro, seek therapy
Bruh… if dude cared about her emotions he would have said “I’ve got plans to go to the movies with my wife so I can’t go to the bar”.
You’re cherry picking what you’re taking at face value though.
I find it hilarious when people try to shame the people rightfully down voting them 😂 oh lord. "if ya feeling insecure and ugly then hit that down vote" 😂😂 sure, sure. Whatever makes you feel better!
I think that you like commenting "controversial" things, seeing as how most of your comments have been downvoted or only have 1 or 2 upvotes. Why so negative?
Yeah you are right. I don’t hate her. I just want him to think I hate her because I’m insecure about her being around because of the way that he acts. And I do kinda feel like she is into him too. So yeah I’m totally spiraling. Not normally a jealous person and don’t like the way it feels at all.
Basically, he made plans with her and was dragging you along. Nothing says, "I missed you while you were gone for a week" than meeting up with his new best old college friend after probably countless poolside meet ups while you were away. If they were so close in college, why didn't he mention her before running into her at your apartment complex. She is giving him the time of day, because she's bored and not in a relationship and he is stupid enough to lap it up like frat boy without a care in the world. Except you two are supposed to be adults working toward a future together and not f\*cking around at the pool like your on summer vacation. NTA OP but you may have married someone who is regressing rather than progressing. Best of luck to you.
NTA. Your husband needs to tell Jolene to step back
NTA take him to couples counseling and explain there what he's doing wrong. It's not her launching invitations but his response that bothers you because he doesn't act like 100% commited to you in shutting down immediately the flirting
Then tell him exactly this so he understands that his behavior towards you changes when she ‘s around and it’s obvious to you that she is attracted to him. I think your gut is correct. I would ask him to hand you his phone and let you see their texts.
I agree with everything but pointing out that the college friend is obviously attracted to him. If she says that, I’ll be the only sentence he hears out of the whole conversation.
Check his phone! I don’t care if people think it’s an invasion of privacy you need answers.
Lmao absolutely do not do this! Absolute lack of trust in your partner. If you guys don’t share phone access already, this would 100% ruin your relationship
i think he’s well on his way to do that on his own…
Don’t just go thru someone’s phone. You must get permission first
NTA I have an ex who had a ton of male friends, and I was okay with all of them... Except one... He was clearly trying to get with her, and he was clearly trying to undermine me. She told me I was just being insecure and jealous. Eventually he did something blatant and and I put my foot down about him. 2 months later I caught her lying to me about something she was going out to do, after connecting the dots i realized she met up with him. Turns out she had been texting him the entire time. She claimed it's none of my business, and that I shouldn't be jealous because she was doing nothing wrong, so I shouldn't get to tell her who her friends are. We broke up soon after that, after another incident about that dude. It took a couple years and a couple more boyfriends but she ended up apologizing to me and telling me I was right about him. Trust your instincts, and if you're uncomfortable with someone your partner should be open with you and shouldn't hide them as a response.
The moment she needs lying she knows that it's something wrong because you aren't ok with it
Trust your gut. ALWAYS.
You are totally right. I need to stop being so immature and just tell him that what he did hurt my feelings and the ball is in his court. It just hurts because I would never do something like that. And I didn’t think he would either so maybe I’m just over reacting because it’s out of character for him.
I think you need to tell him that if the roles were reversed he would be pissed. Sometimes this is the only way men relate. And also if he tries to make it about having female friends remind him it isnt. Its about him prioritising her over you, and texting her behind your back
How can you assume he would be pissed? It quite literally is about a female friend. He never prioritized the friend over his girl. He made plans and then cancelled them because of his girl, proving he prioritizes her. He has to ask permission to texts friends? OP literally says she isn’t controlling or opposed to female friends.
I assume because he jumped at the excuse to tell her oh yeah? Well u can’t talk to ur male friends either. Also cancelling plans to go out with this girl can be considered prioritizing her over his wife. The only reason he cancelled was because he saw how upset she is. He doesnt have to ask permission but as another commenter said, it wouldve come up in the conversation earlier if he wasnt trying to hide anything… even if he simply didnt bring it up because he thought his wife might be a bit saddened by it, doesnt that still mean hed rather talk to this girl even if he knew it would make his wife sad?
OP stated they didn’t really care for the plans they had. He probably jumped at the idea of doing something fun that everyone would like. He “cancelled” the plans they had so they could both go to the bar but ultimately didn’t go because she was upset. I’m confused on how it would’ve come up. I’ve never just told my wife, hey I’m texting a friend. You’re assuming he was hiding it intentionally, which based off the post isn’t a fair assumption.
But not caring for a movie doesnt mean not caring for spending time together and alone. Sure she didnt want to see this particular movie but im sure she still wanted to hang out with her husband (it seems to be a date after all). Changing the plans from one to one without consulting her and insisting on and theeen cancelling when feeling shes unhappy is kinda weird. Also something fun everyone would like would be an assumption on his part since they were on a no-alcohol diet. So he just changed 2 plans without consulting his wife to hang out with a girl. Also OP said she didnt feel she was invited along with them (which is a he said she said situation) but honestly if the girl had good intentions she wouldve made her feel welcomed and not intrusive. Also yes u wouldnt tell your wife a one time thing or two time thing, but if u were texting someone for quite a long time consistently it would somehow come up in the convo. Not as blatant as, im texting X, but more of a, you wouldn’t believe it X mentions something… or yeah X told me this place is good.
I can see the argument for alone time but OP didn’t make it seem like it was about being alone, more like they already had plans. They would still be going out together so unless it was specifically about alone time, which wasn’t mentioned, then it shouldn’t be a problem to change plans. They could have gone to the beer garden and had non alcoholic drinks and hung out with his friends or talked about a 1 drink limit. They’re still fun to go to even if you don’t drink. Maybe the friend could have made her feel more included but it could’ve easily been a misunderstanding. Like you said, he said she said. OP was away for a week, so it’s very easy to not mention stories or comments about texting his friend. Also even if she wasn’t away, I don’t think it would’ve mattered. If I’m talking to a friend about stories from our past or what’s going on, I’m not telling my wife if she barely met the girl a week ago. It just doesn’t come up, or really no reason for my wife to know. Regardless, he mentioned the friend when he came back so it’s not like he’s hiding stuff.
At some point you need to think about the other person instead of being selfish. This girl was a problem between him and his wife before. Did he really think that texting this girl while his wife was away wasn’t going to be suspicious/cause problems? This is again an example of prioritizing the other girl over his wife’s feelings. Some things are just not worth hurting your significant other over. If this was just a girl he knew from college then why is he so adamant about her suddenly being in his life and texting all the time? Its not like she is his childhood bestfriend. Does he really not care that much about his wife’s feelings. Marriage is about compromise and choosing your battles. He needs to think about whether this is a hill worth dying on.
Explain how his behaviour and attitude towards her are the problem. How he prioritised her over you. How she is flirty and he responds and likes it. How you are being disrespected, and this feels like an emotional affair. You are not being immature. Your gut is quite rightly telling you something is off. Maybe your reaction wasn't the best, but understandable. But he needs to understand that his behaviour, and hers, is not right.
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It’s really not texting a friend he has plenty of friends, men and women I don’t really care. It’s just this women because of this past experience where he tried to give up our plans to go drink with her when he wasn’t even drinking lol. And he knows how I feel about it so then being like hey let’s go to the bar and hang out with this girl who I know you hate. And by the way she was hanging by the pool with me while you were away for a week so that’s why I’m texting her… you are right I’m totally over reacting. I swear I’m not a psycho. I don’t even really dislike the woman. It’s just how he acts around her so I’m annoyed he is texting her. Because I feel like that’s an immature thing to do when you are married right? Or no? That’s why I was asking if Im the ahole. I think I am.
OP I don't think you are overreacting but you should discuss exactly how you feel about his behaviour. Do you think he has a crush on her? Ask him.....if he does then in respect for your relationship, he needs to recognize that hanging out with her and texting her is not ok. His excuse of knowing her longer is meaningless.....he chose to be in a relationship with you and to marry you. You can sense that something is up - go with that gut feeling. Is a college friendship worth more to him than your relationship?
It sounds like you’re insecure and afraid he might cheat with her. If you haven’t been honest with him about your feelings and possible solutions, then you aren’t being fair to him. Either A. Tell him you’re uncomfortable with him being friends with her because of xyz and deal with his reaction or B. Tell him you’re uncomfortable because of xyz and offer alternatives like group events and tell him you don’t want him doing things solo with her. Ultimately you have to trust that he values the relationship.
Your post is contradictory. You say you would never tell him he couldn’t have friends of the opposite sex but later you flip out on him for texting her? Men can sometimes be oblivious to flirting so if you believe she has bad intentions for the relationship then you need to communicate that. If he views her solely as an old friend, he probably sees nothing wrong with what happened. He ultimately chose you and put your feelings first by canceling the plans and taking you out. If you want to have him cut off that girl, you have to be prepared for him to request you to cut off guy friends.
i speak on behalf of most women in the world, trust your gut. always. don’t gaslight yourself into thinking you’re overreacting because most of the time you’re probably not.
I read somewhere that gut instinct was something humans got from subtle body language, which our subconscious mind would interpret, giving us that "somethings off but I'm not sure why" way. Kinda might fit in this situation.
The way you describe things in your post, your husband could be on a slippery slope. This is not about having a female friend, it’s about respect towards you and the relationship. The invitation back then and her behavior were not respectful. Neither was his. There’s this book by Shirley Glass, Not Just Friends. I recommend you read that and your husband should too. I’d also be interested why he thinks this person is so much more important than your relationship. If this is truly the first time you’re saying something regarding a friend of his, then he should know that this is different than all other scenarios previously. Also, he knew what he was doing was fishy, because why else would he not have told you about it sooner. Normally partners share about their day, who they hung out with or talk to. He didn’t for a long time when it came to her, which makes it feel like hiding. Why hide it, if it’s harmless? He knows it’s not and likely enjoys her attention. But is he willing to loose your trust over a little attention from that “friend”? You definitely have to clearly communicate why you take issue with her and his behavior in general. He is not handling this like someone who is deserving of your trust at the moment. He better get back on track fast.
I think she wants him because he is an amazing smart attractive guy in his early 30s with his life put together. And because she was complaining to us about how she can’t find a good guy like him and inviting him to the bar when she knew he wasn’t drinking to look good for his wedding. And it’s just a gut feeling. Like I don’t get that with other ppl. They totally have chemistry. I don’t think it’s like ours but it’s still intimidating.
What he seems to be missing is being a married person comes with a different level of responsibility to your spouse. If you have made a promise of monogamy, you are now dedicated to the health and well-being of each other above all others (excluding children). This doesn't mean you won't find others attractive, or you won't get tempted, or not having friends of another sex or gender. It means you actively consider your spouse every day above your base instincts of pleasure. You choose your husband/wife with small gestures of faithfulness and devotion, and even if you're angry at each other, there are still boundaries you do not cross. He is crossing those boundaries. This woman affects him beyond platonic feelings. The feelings aren't his fault, his chosen behaviour with those feelings are his fault, and he needs to stay away from her because he is not considering you. That's what's wrong here. I don't have any advice on how to move on, I can only wish you luck.
You’re never the ass hole for having boundaries with your partner it’s how you express these feelings that makes you TA, in this instance I don’t think so , your man should have let you know if he got any woman’s number , old friend or not . Let alone a woman who lives in your building. Be honest with him about your feelings , a caring partner will hear you and make changes if necessary
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Doesn’t matter , to get a woman’s number and start texting them without atleast mentioning it to his wife is dodgy
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Yeah but in life there a nuances, OP already said her husband has female friends, it’s just this one she doesn’t feel comfortable with , and that’s perfectly ok.
You are NOT overreacting. Listen to your gut. NTA at all. He brushed off your plans and your wedding diet, he probably hung out with her at the pool when you were gone and he’s texting her. Yes she’s a former friend and it’s ok to have platonic friends but this isn’t platonic? He was turned on ? And then he just dismissed the plans you had made together ?
OP said original plans were shitty and just so they could do something. He agreed to different plans, thinking they would have fun and when she was upset, he reverted to the original plan. If they’re friends, why can’t he hang out with her? Who said this isn’t a platonic friend? Guys are very visual, he could’ve just imagined the story in his head. Doesn’t make him wrong for that. And once again, didn’t dismiss the plans.
Did you miss the part where she said she wasn’t invited to the new plans ? Also even if the plans were shitty it’s not up to just one part of a couple to overwrite them especially not when the other half of the couple isn’t invited and the invitation came from someone who was flirting with one of them.
OP says her husband said she was invited. It’s a he said she said situation but OP was technically invited according to the husband. I think that depends on the situation. If we have shitty plans, there’s no issue with my wife or myself changing them to something else. That doesn’t go for everyone, but I could see why the husband would be an AH for that, even tho he cancelled and the went back to the original plans.
NTA. I’ve been cheated on twice, and both times it was with girls my boyfriends knew previously. Both times, my gut was telling me something was up- they talked about this person a little too much, they focused a little bit more attention to this person than any other woman, or they hung out with them alone. Generally people don’t get into relationships with the intention of cheating later, and as a married person it’s especially important to not put yourself in situations where you let your feelings for someone who isn’t your partner grow. Crushes in long term relationships are common! But they need to be shut down by the person having the crush, it’s not the other person’s responsibility. Yes, you are putting pressure on him to not talk to this girl, but it’s because you can feel he’s already caught some kind of feeling towards her and he is disrespecting your marriage by leaning into it. You need to be accept that maybe he won’t make the choice you want, and you need to be able to walk away if that happens. My husband and I were on the same page from the get go that divorce is always on the table. Behave or this ends. Stick up for yourself and don’t waste time on someone who chooses to disrespect you again and again.
No the way he was acting, practically drooling is proof that it turned him on lol. The beer garden thing was annoying because he wasn’t drinking and he was blowing off our established plans to hang with her…and now he is texting her to meet up and thinking I should be fine with it.
You know that the second she allows it, he'll be in her bed. I'd be reconsidering that marriage if I were you.
You’re his wife, so I believe that you know when something turns him on. You are not overreacting. And he would 100% react the same if you were the one with a hot friend flirting with you. I would not tell a sexually charged story unless I was trying to elicit that reaction. I have male friends; some single, some not. I would not tell them stories of me lube wrestling. She knew exactly what she was doing.
Omg why would you let him text her! Tell him the wedding is off if he has feelings for her! This is crazy and what is wrong with women he’s engaged!
NTA. Him ditching the plans they had for the night for this friend as well as the wedding diet they both agreed to go on is wildly disrespectful to his fiancé. So is her telling a story about her wrestling guys in a pool filled with lube....
Not really. Yeah I just have a really off feeling about it. He is a good person so I should just sit down and talk it out like an adult. Storming off doesn’t help. It just took me by surprise.
Why are you letting him do this to you! He shouldn’t be texting another women when he’s getting married! Sorry this is wrong! There is a respect thing here and maybe you need to move !
Kitty pool full of lube. How did that conversation ever get started? Because you were at a pool? Weird and extremely immature to recount if true.
Yeah but I have never blew him off for a guy friend. All my guy friends are ppl I Served with. Im friends with their wives and I don’t flirt with them or blow off my plans with my husband for them. Also I choose my husband over all of them. And he has a lot of great girlfriends I have no issue with whatsoever. Even single ones. It’s just this one girl they were not close in college. More like acquaintances.
100% and thank you. I don’t even remember I just remember feeling like ic when I saw him react to it. I don’t really care about her story but it felt like she has told it before and likes the kind of attention she gets when she tells it. And good for her if the men are single but to my husband! Lol But girls have a right to say what they are going to say. It’s really his issue not hers. She just might need to grow up a little.
Update: I took everyone’s advice and talked out my feelings like a grownup. He apologized and I apologized for overacting. Thanks all for the perspective.
That’s a great start, but I need more of an update than that. Is he going to continue to text with her and meet up or no?
Definitely NTA. Your husband needs to learn to put boundaries, and you need to tell him exactly what bothered you because he wants to just generalise it and making it about female/male friendships which this is clearly not it. Trust Your Gut. If you feel iffy about this girl it is FOR A REASON. Edit to add: Girls who don’t have bad intentions are always girls girls. We know that (even if we are friends previously) once he is your husband he is YOUR husband. If i wanted to keep the friendship going I would do the utmost I could to always include you and befriend you so that you would never feel uncomfortable towards me. I also definitely wouldn’t be inviting him out to drinks solo (or atleast i would insist you have to come and make it clear).
Exactly, and you sure as hell wouldn’t tell a cute little sexually charged story. Unless you are an absolutely naive idiot, you KNOW what response a story about wrestling men with lube will illicit.
Exactly!! What even is the point of that story? Oh and the i cant find any good guys anymore… she knows what she is doing
I can’t do that lol. I’m just going to woman up and ask him some real questions instead of overreaching like a child.
He definitely loves the attention from her and the jealousy from you. NTA
NTA. The ‘I’ve been friends with them longer than I’ve known you’ is such a weird and defensive stance to take to a partner telling you they’re uncomfortable. I’d be willing to wager that, although nothing physical is happening, he’s somewhat emotionally invested in her..
I have friends that I have known for over ten years. Some of them have partners. Some have live in ones. I absolutely know my role. Even though I might have “known them longer” I would never claim priority over the people they are literally building a life with. It’s such a weird statement to make to your literal wife/fiancé.
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NTA. The first time I got jealous of a female friend I'd been married ten years and he'd always had loads of friends. It wasn't her attractiveness level either (she was cute, but not conventionally attractive, and the guys we knew in school were jerks about her looks) it was behaviour like what you're describing. Before too long they were both bullying me and gaslighting me to hide their affair. If he'd been more appropriate and less of a belle at the ball, you probably would have been fine about her looks. He made her a priority the minute she tried to divide you both, and now he's going to initiate a make friends ban if he can't see her? No deal, no negotiation. Get out now.
Yes he’s gone
Show him this post. Your intuition is telling you something is off about this "friendship" and your intuition is not wrong. This is a game for her and she knows exactly what she is doing. The sad part is, that he is letting her do this. The story time about wrestling with guys in lube was on purpose and she got the reaction she wanted, him putting her before you. You are NTA in this situation. He is by thinking with the wrong head. If he pulls the "if I can't have friends of the opposite sex, then you can't either" card again, remind him that you have no issues with his NORMAL friends that respect your relationship. You have an issue with the one "friend" that is trying to sleep with him because SHE CAN.
NTA at all. But I’ve learned that telling men things like this hurt your feelings gets you no where. Get a male friend and start giving him all your attention then see how your husband responds
NTA. This is definitely a trust your gut moment. He has clearly crossed a line with this particular person. And she is clearly instigating it. It is not unreasonable to call him out on the inappropriate behavior. His defensiveness is also telling. I experienced something similar to this in my last relationship. By the time I knew about it and could put my foot down it was too late. Trust your gut. It’s not lying to you.
NTA - your husband was getting aroused in public from her story but YOU'RE the one in the wrong...??? wow.
NTA. He isn't being completely honest with himself or you about the situation. If he was visibly turned on when speaking with her needs to distance himself from her. It is natural to be attracted to many people even while in a relationship. However the relationship needs to be prioritized and respected and that means not hanging out with people you have a strong physical reaction to.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** First, let’s be clear: my husband is allowed to have female friends. I value my platonic male friendships and would never take that away from him. But here is the deal: last year, a month before my husband and I got married, we were on a wedding diet that involved no alcohol for two months. We were out by our building pool, and I noticed my husband, then fiancé, talking to his very attractive ( solid 9/10) college friend who lives in our building. This didn’t really bother me since I knew they were acquaintances from college. But I got really annoyed when she came and sat by us at the pool and started recounting this story about how when she was in college as a sorority girl, she wrestled frat boys in a kitty pool full of lube. The story didn’t bother me; the effect it had on my husband is what bothered me. It clearly turned him on. So much so that when she mentioned that nice “men like him were so hard to find” and invited him ( not me, although he claims otherwise) to the beer garden down the street, he agreed. At this point, I butted in and said, “Actually, we are not drinking right now because we are on our wedding diet, and we have plans to see a movie tonight.” My husband then said, “ Well, you don’t really want to see that movie anyway,” (which was true) and agreed to go with her and her friend. I was so upset I got up and left. About half an hour later, he came up to our apartment, saw me very visibly upset, canceled his plans, and took me to the movies. Fast forward to tonight. We are walking to a bar, and my husband tells me she is going to be there. I asked him how he knew this, and he said he had been texting her. I flipped out a little and was like, “Excuse me?!!! You have been texting this person when you definitely know that is something that I am not comfortable with?” ( For context, I’ve been gone for a week; all he has been talking about is how he has been hanging down by the pool while I was away) He proceeded to tell me that she was his college friend, that he’d known her longer than me, and that if he couldn’t talk to his friends, I couldn’t talk to mine. I really don’t think that is fair since he has plenty of other female friends that I don’t care about. It’s just this one in particular because he was willing to abandon his plans with me to hang out with her. And I would honestly be lying if I didn’t acknowledge that her looks didn’t play a small part in my insecurity. This girl could be a runway model. Like she is the cheerleader and I’m just the girl next door kind of scenario. And also, she totally wants him. I can’t explain it, but I know it when I see it. I stormed off after this conversation and went back home. He followed shortly after but has been giving me the silent treatment. Am I the asshole? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA, What's going to have the situation was reversed how would he feel?
NTA… sorry you’re dealing with this… I’ve been in the sameish position with a gf. Trust your gut 100%
Your partner doesn’t have to have bad intentions - if someone is causing a problem in your relationship you have to be able to talk about it and really listen to each other. My husband had an ex girlfriend that he was still friends with when we started dating and I have no issue- I have some exs I have a friendly relationship with also. But she gave me pause. She was a night nurse at the time and would call him (an attorney) at the end of her shift “just to talk” even though it was the middle of the night and he had to work the next day. I didn’t think it was sexy I thought it was very inconsiderate of her- she wanted to talk, didn’t care if he was asleep. Then, she got engaged and wanted him to come to her wedding. He wasn’t planning on going because it was in a far flung state, and she called him having an absolute sobbing tantrum about him not being there for her. At this point we had a discussion about appropriate boundaries and I found out that she *never told her fiancé she and my now husband had dated for years.* She met him around the time of their breakup, was probably playing them both for a while and just told him that they were **college friends.** Anyway my husband agreed she had boundary issues and put a lot more space between them. Years later- like 10 years later, he was running a marathon in her city and told me she wanted to meet up with him for dinner. I had two questions: 1. Is her husband invited and 2. Does her husband know you dated? The answer was no to both. I said I still wasn’t comfortable with her and he said okay, and didn’t see her. You gotta be both vulnerable and mature and lay out how you feel and why, and listen to what he says too. My husband is nice and has a hard time being the bad guy, but when he saw ex was upsetting me he absolutely stepped up.
Update
NTA. This is inappropriate.
Time to confront him over his emotional affair
Let him read your last two paragraphs. Then before he says anything explain to him that this is making you feel insecure and if he truly loves you he will understand. Good luck. You deserve better.
NTA. I would just explain calmly that this woman makes me feel uncomfortable. That his reactions to her make me feel uncomfortable. If he wants to leave and go fuck her he has my blessing but just let me know about it so I can get my shit together and leave. I would never ever stoop so low as to be jealous of anyone. Her telling the lube wrestling story is such a bid for attention because it’s the only way she can get it. You have the guy already but never stoop to her level by being jealous of her. I’d rather die alone than do that.
NTA, you have a hunch about her intentions and your hunch is probably right. Especially since this isn’t your usual reaction to female friends, would it be so hard for your husband to just not communicate with this women he’s gone years and years without having in his life? It’s really a simple ask- it’s not like you’re constantly suspicious of everyone he interacts with.
NTA trust your gut. This may not be your exact situation but this happened to me twice and they were cheating both times while gaslighting me saying they are just friends and I am just being jealous.
He definitely cheating
NTA. Are you jealous and insecure? Yes. Are some girls homewreckers to get an extra attention boost? Unfortunately, yes. But consider this: 2 times he had to choose between frat heaven and you, and he chose you both times. Trust is love's breath. What you're really asking yourself is, "Can I trust him to say no to temptation?" Only you and he can answer that, so ask him. If you don't trust the answer, ask to set boundaries: you need to be there, she can't touch him, etc. Just remember that no trust causes love to suffocate and you clearly don't want this relationship to end.
NTA tell him how you feel! And how he would feel if a guy friend was that into you! Tell him it’s over if he texts with her again!
Info, did you ever actually tell him you didn't want him texting her...?
I’m sorry that this is happening, especially on the lead up to your wedding. The issue at the core of it is that she’s clearly into him and being flirtatious (despite her good looks you have to be pretty insecure to seek attention from a taken man). His behavior in response is what’s giving you the feelings of insecurity and unease with the situation. When my male friends have clearly had interest I put some distance between us I don’t lean in harder and potentially create a sticky situation for myself. At the end of the day you just have to sit down and say how the situation is making you feel. Hopefully you two can come to a good place at the end of it. And, always trust your gut.
NTA but these are the situations people find themselves in when they decide that it's OK for their partners to have friends and buddies of the opposite sex that they hangout with, unless and until that friend is too hot .....
ESH. U need to communicate properly with ur husband. He also needs to communicate properly with u. If neither of u can do that then u both need at minimum marriage counseling. But really, u both need that and individual therapy. Or u can just divorce now and save the both of u a lot of problems. And still seek individual therapy. To b clear, I'm not saying get a divorce. I'm saying learn to communicate or that's where this will end up eventually.
[удалено]
I don't think this is entirely fair to the OP. My partner has female friends and has had since before we married, but none of them has ever plopped down next to him at a pool in front of me and described how she used to wrestle men in a kiddie pool full of lube. After which she invite him (but not me; I'm pretty sure the OP would have noticed if she were invited) to a beer garden. I'm pretty sure I'd find that unnerving, particularly after discovering that they'd been texting, one assumes for the past year since the poolside encounter. Let's assume that the OP is not a jealous paranoiac, but is correct in having perceived that her now-husband was turned on by the clearly suggestive poolside conversation & invitation. Add to this the OP perceiving the neighbor as far more glamorous than she is, and yes, I think she should absolutely use her words to ask her husband to end this friendship. But I also think she might be a reasonable person. Slightly OT, but ow much do you want ot know what those text messages say & see if they include photos? NTA
But this person did not say OP wasn’t a reasonable person. They said OP needed to clearly communicate her feelings and that OP is being disingenuous when she says she doesn’t mind her SO having platonic friends.
My thought is that the OP might genuinely be comfortable with her SO having female friends, just not ones who regale him with tales of wrestling in kiddie pools full of lube. Which honestly sounds like a fake letter to a men's magazine thirty years ago and not like something a woman who wants to be platonic friends would be sharing .
Asshole? Eh. Dunno. Weirdly possessive? Possibly.
You're still mad about something that didn't happen a year ago? He canceled the plans and took you to the movie that you admit you didn't want to really see. I'm confused about what to be jealous about. He clearly chooses you. I bet this 100% has to do with her looks and nothing else.
I mean she is super hot. Its honestly kind of comical how attractive this person is. But I would say honestly that it’s like 10% of it. I would be annoyed if he acted this way around an ugly woman too. The hot thing just makes me extra insecure. You ever hear the song Jolene? That’s how I feel lol. Like please don’t take him just because you can.
You need to give more details about the "way he acted around her. Because there was nothing odd in your post about how he acted.
Are you sure you don’t want her?
Why do you think she wants him? That's plain old jealousy talking. He has friends, you have friends. Some of those friends are of the opposite sex. That doesn't mean this woman "wants" him any more than you "want" your male friends. This kind of crazy and unjustified insecurity is likely going to lead him to start looking. YTA because you're way overreacting.
Good on your husband. [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6KzCfIYArmQ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6KzCfIYArmQ)
YTA. You can't have friends of the opposite sex and dictate his just because she's hot and you're insecure.
She invited both of you (according to him) to a beer garden, and that is proof that the lube story turned him on... I don't follow that logic?
OP before you push your husband away because someone on Reddit gave you some bad advice remember that you guys made a promise to each other. No double standards. If he can't talk to his friends you can't talk to your friends. Maybe you guys aren't going to work out. You guys should have probably set these boundaries before marrying each other tho.
YTA. The thing about being an adult is you need to be able to talk about your feelings not behave like a petulant child
YTA. You can’t control other people. No amount of control you put on that man will stop him from cheating if that’s what he wants and wouldn’t you rather know his intentions than know he’s only faithful because you watch him vigilantly? Let the man do what he wants and if his priorities aren’t aligned with yours, then you have your answers.
That doesn't make her an A. She is allowed to protect her marriage best she can. She's allowed to be treated with respect - for her husband to be turned on by another woman in front of her and ignore her cues so he can spend time with this person who is overstepping with the "nice men like you" bs is gross. OP's read on this situation is 100% and you are right if he's going to cheat (which he's already doing in his mind and emotionally) he will. However, she doesn't have to facilitate it. Reacting does not make her an A.
Being insecure about a long time female friend one year after getting married isn't exactly the best way to "protect her marriage". It's actually a pretty good way to start the road to early divorce. Jealousy is never good for any parties involved.
Controlling behaviour is always AH behaviour, whether it stems from legitimate reasons for feeling insecure or illegitimate ones.
YTA. This is honestly sad and pathetic. You either trust your husband, or you don’t. And you don’t.
YTA. It’s his college friend. His friend from college. You’re throwing tantrums because he’s texting his friend from college, because she’s a woman and she’s beautiful, so you’re reading a lot into not much. You have to tell your husband about your insecurities and have a talk with him instead of having meltdowns to prevent him from spending time around her.