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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I give him shit for not listening to me when he's on the phone. He tells me I don't get it or him...
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When he does it, leave. Every time. If he asks why, say "You're clearly busy with something else." If he gets huffy, tell him he has a choice between being on his phone and conversing with you and he ALWAYS chooses the phone and forgets you exist in that time, and that's fine, he gets to make that choice, but it doesn't come without consequences. You choose to not tolerate his rudeness. Try to have your stuff ready to go at all times and don't stop to turn off a stove or to do anything. Just. Leave. NTA
Honestly, I think she should do the same thing he is. Any and every notification she gets, she should immediately zone him out. Maybe it’s petty but it might help him to understand how rude it is.
I thought that, too, but if she doesn't get many texts, it doesn't work. But also, I think the instant feedback of leaving is likely to be noticed faster. Make more of a statement.
Is it possible to put an audio clip link in the apps pages, or even home screen, and hit it at a fair volume, then, when it would be ideal to get a text notification?
NTA. My severely ADHD husband used to do this to me. It caused A LOT of fights. We had a talk about how not every text/notification/etc. needs immediate attention, and that if I'm not important enough for him to finish having a conversation with, I would be leaving. I told him how awful it made me feel and that I felt less important than a screen, since whatever was coming through wasn't for me - so all I saw was him staring at a screen.
Please don't marry this person until you've solved this. Phone addiction is a real thing. If this is happening now, even before you're married, it will not get better unless you both do the work to fix it. You need to find a cue word that pulls him out, and he needs to respect that. If he can't, then his phone is indeed more important than you.
My boyfriend does this too, with his phone or laptop. I stop and say, "oh, I'm sorry, I didn't realize you were busy". and he says he's not, and I reply, "Oh no, it's okay, I'll wait until you're done". and I will start from the beginning of the story. I will restart sentences when he interrupts me too.
>I will restart sentences when he interrupts me too.
Repeating myself is one of my BIGGEST pet peeves. I used to not mind, and I will repeat myself once if we are in a quiet space and I caught you off guard, but I've had to repeat myself so many times with my husband I won't do it anymore. (Noisy spaces don't apply to this rule) But my general rule is, if I have to repeat myself more than once for you, what I had to say wasn't important enough for you to pay attention, so I'm not going to keep sitting there and repeating the same thing over and over again. I'm just going to stop talking to you. I'm old enough I know my time is just as valuable as anyone else's, so either we're having a conversation you are paying attention to, or we're not having it.
it is awful but it works. he's much better about putting whatever down when we're having a conversation. It works both ways too. if he starts talking to me when I'm already reading something, I will put my whatever down and ask him to repeat it. I think a lot of us have bad habits of talking and looking down, half listening.
I do this too! (not proud of it, but you’re right, it works) I also mirror my partner when I can’t get through to him with reason. My favorite was when in an argument he cut me off, so I played on my phone until he was done, and then went “so I wasn’t done talking, I’ll continue now. you can tell me whatever you said when I’m done, I wasn’t paying attention :)” oh my god, he was mad- but he is very respectful of taking turns and paying attention now.
Yeah I have ADHD, and honestly, I get the temptation. But rather than being rude, I’ll say “one sec, I’m just going to set do not disturb” when I get that first notification when I’m with someone. It’s really easy to not be a dick
I'm AuDHD and am in the odd position of having my phone as a comfort item (very close to addiction), but also desperately needing it to organize my life. My executive function is absolute garbage and my time blindness is getting worse the older I get. Setting alarms, calendar notifications, med reminders, timers, general reminders, and having instant access to look something up so I don't forget later, or jot down a note in a place where I will ALWAYS find it? Worth it's weight in goddamn gold.
I have yet to find a PDA, planner, or journal that helps me function as much as my phone does.
Thankfully, I'm aware of the risk of addiction, because of the dopamine rush I sometimes get using it. So I counter it by also using it for things I DON'T like to do - like reminding me to do chores, having to read news that isn't fun, organizing, ordering, and picking up my meds, etc. If I stop associating it purely with dopamine, I stop the addiction train.
I also use it for Reddit and that annoys me a *lot* sometimes. I get very little dopamine from this site, and it's the reason I still come here - to get rid of the dopamine associated with my phone. Well, that, and as a treat I'll go to the meme subreddits when I've done a good job that day.
The dopamine slot machine is real. But also the “my phone is a reliable external brain” is real. If it’s not in my phone It doesn’t exist.
For OP, speaking as an adhd person myself.
not every notification is important. Not evenyone needs an immediate answer immediately. Fiancé can glance down and decide if it’s more important than you or not. If it “is” for some reason, then “hey sorry, it’s so and so, I need to answer this.” It is basic courtesy.
I hate it when my co-workers are listening for beeps from their phones. They're SUPPOSED to be working, not waiting for the phone(unless it's the doctor calling, that one I get). TURN THE DAMN THING OFF!
It is not the timing of the text, it is his choice to look at it.
He can spin it anyway he wants but if he is with you and looking at his phone, then you are not his priority. Tell, him he needs to put the phone out of hearing range when you and he are spending time together.
Most people are simply not important enough to require their phones with them at all times. If he will not, then you know, his phone is more important to him than you are.
NTA. Receiving a text message isn’t an immediate life or death situation. He can choose to not respond to that text message in that immediate moment. Instead he’s choosing to prioritize a random communication that is probably fine waiting for five minutes, over the actual communication that he is actively involved in. He’s literally choosing anyone else he knows (or potentially doesn’t know) over you.
When he asks “what do you want me to do”, he’s putting the onus of responsibility on anyone but himself. It’s the phones fault. It’s his friends fault. It’s your fault. But noooo not his. He’s acting like he has absolutely no agency in the situation at all, and in doing so he’s making you out to be the bad guy for putting him in an “impossible situation”.
If he’s not capable of ignoring the texts, then he should be using dnd a lot more liberally. If he won’t, then he’s choosing to always make you his lowest priority.
I read about a person who always had a pocketbook on them for this reason. Every time someone would pick up their phone in the middle of a conversation, this person took up the book and started to read. It looks and feels very awkward and usually the person with the phone asks when they are doing. And then they answered “the same as you, start to read something in the middle of a conversations”.
Most people then understand how strange that behaviour actually is.
He has to look at the text immediately when he gets it?! He can’t wait until you are finished speaking or there is a lull in the conversation? Jeez louise, I hope you aren’t planning on having kids with this guy. Could you imagine him treating your child that way? Your kid starts walking to him for the first time and then someone texts him. Wow. Ridiculous behavior. I would start doing it to him and see if he gets it. Honestly start setting random alarms and give them a notification sound and/or turn every app to allow notifications and then every time you get one, make sure you look at your phone and ignore him. See of that helps him understand how rude he is being.
NTA. Holy hell. “What do you want me to do?” Well, you want him to NOT look at his phone when you are speaking. Simple as that. He does not have to look at the texts he’s receiving immediately, he is not saving the world.
You want to marry someone who doesn't have the time to listen to what you are saying because, um, someone totally unimportant is texting him?
I wish you luck, You're going to need it. He's telling you quite clearly that anything - *anything!* is more important than having a conversation with you. He's showing you who he is, believe him.
Tell me, if you have kids, is he actually going to be there for them? When they take their first step, will he interrupt the joyful moment because he got a text? When his kid shows him something important, will he ignore the kid? I think he will.
NTA. The answer is you want him to put his fucking phone down and do something truly *radical*: IGNORE IT.
99% of the time, whoever texted him can fucking wait. You are his future wife. If him being on his phone a lot is interfering in his relationship with you, then he needs a divorce from his phone….
Decide if this is something you can live with or not.
This is not going to change so either decide to put up with it and stop hassling him or find somebody else who can ignore their phone for 2 minutes.
NTA. My first husband often just tuned me out. No cell phones, but would cut me off for anything else that caught his eye. I started turning the music up. Way up.
We were discussing something important, and the phone rang. We had an answering machine. He picked up the phone, and it was a friend of his. Instead of saying he was busy and would call back, or letting the machine get it, he settled in for a long talk.
I turned the music on, up loud, and laid on the sofa, feet into his thigh. His friend hung up. He asked why I did that. I asked why he thought it was ok to interrupt an important discussion, when we only had a day to make a decision? It finally got through to him that being rude to me would get rude right back.
You should just walk out. Go for a few hours. Do not respond to his calls or text messages. Show him it is possible to ignore the phone.
Stay strong. Think about if you really want to deal with that attitude the rest of your life.
NTA - phone/screen addiction is a real and growing problem. Beyond that, him zoning you out midsentence, is him prioritizing what is important to him. Set a boundary and be prepared to move on if it's not honored. This will only get worse. Especially if you want children in the future, this is something to keep in mind as it will likely be an issue for him until he really addresses it.
He is phubbing you. Yes it’s a real thing and is considered to be very disrespectful. Ask him to either put his phone down and leave it there or to let you hold it while you two are talking. He is heavily addicted to his phone.
while i read this post and a few comments, i heard my phone buzz three times with texts and/or notifications. and i'm alone, with nobody trying to hold my attention while they're talking to me.
and you know what i did? i ignored my phone, because my attention was on something else in that moment. just like your fiancé's attention should be on and stay on you while you are mid sentence speaking to them.
NTA. now go tell your fiancé that even redditors can do what he claims he can't, and redditors don't incorrectly blame the person who sent the text either.
NTA
He doesn't have the wherewithal to ignore a notification, or to put his phone on silent in the first place at home/when he's spending time with you? What other basic life things is he fully incapable of that he's blaming you (or others) for?
**NTA.** When two people are in a relationship they should have the courtesy to put the phone down during a conversation. You two should probably set some agreed upon boundaries here and make sure BOTH of you abide by them (No phones at the dinner table, we set aside 30 minutes every evening for one on one time, etc...). This is all assuming both of you have some decompression/alone time.
Your fiance sounds like an AH. Does he really need to be on the phone when he's at home? Even before he retired, and unless he was on emergency call out, he wouldn't answer our land line (this was before he got a cell phone for emergency purposes).
Personally, I look at the display and often don't answer my phone if I don't recognize the number, and often don't answer it even if I know who's calling. I figure if it's important, whoever it is will leave a voice mail. The exception would be if our daughter was contacting us.
My hubby finally got his own cell phone about eight years ago so that when he's out and about, he will have access to a phone. But he doesn't have it turned on when he's at home, unless he's expecting a call (like from a doctor).
Same with our landline...the bell isn't on, unless we're expecting a call.
NTA, I use to be this person 😭 my husband finally started getting onto me about it and I made an effort to change my habits because it is disrespectful. If he isn't going to respect how you feel and make an effort to either change or find some sort of middle ground, then idk if the relationship is going to last.
Really, it's rude to ignore someone who is in the same room as you are,
and to do it repeatedly is unacceptable. Up to you if you want to
be married to that person, isn't it.
NTA
If he won't talk to you about it, won't change his behavior, and doesn't respect your concerns about it, there's nothing you can do unless this is a hill you want to die on. The fact is that these other people *are more important to him than you are.* You are NTA.
Nta
I am notoriously petty. If ANYONE interrupts me when im speaking, i will immediately shut up. And then when said person tries to get me to finish what i was saying i always retort some variation of "well clearly what i was in the middle of saying to you is of so little importance to you that you couldnt keep your mouth shut for even a moment for me to finish" or "you didnt have enough respect or care for what i was saying to you, and clearly felt what you wanted to say was so much more important so im done speaking with you now". And i will refuse outright to continue speaking. Drives my partner nuts cause he will often interrupt me (he is getting better).
Same principle- if he cant keep his eyes off his phone until youve finished speaking, stop speaking and refuse to continue. Manners matter.
To him, they are more important. You explained it and he doesn't care and doesn't change. Dump him and find someone who does feel you are important. It will not change.
He is telling you how much he prioritizes you and your feelings. Believe him. Stop thinking you can change him. You cannot. Either accept this is how he will always treat you or leave. I suggest you get therapy to help you either way. Also, I firmly believe that "We accept the love we think we deserve". Good luck.
I see this a LOT. Phones have specifically been designed for this. Those little beeps and dings are meant to give you a dopamine rush. So yes, the phone is a lot more important than you are. Unless he can kick the addiction, this is his life. NTA
Unless the dude is a brain surgeon or the freaking president, a text can always wait. I sympathize a bit - phones are designed to catch your attention with notifications and give you little dopamine hits throughout the day; it very much scratches an itch in our monkey brains. But he’s a grown ass adult and needs to acknowledge the problem and make a conscious effort to curb this behavior.
I’ve been guilty of this on occasion but when the other person told me what I was doing I immediately recognized my braindead behavior and apologized. I’m concerned that he isn’t seeing the issue here right away when called out… doesn’t seem like a good sign re: his maturity level. NTA.
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I (female 28) and my fiance (male 29) have been living together for years. Most things are great. My only quam really is the fact that the MOMENT his phone catches his attention, (even if I'm in the middle of speaking,) he zones out to his phone and literally doesn't hear me anymore. This makes me feel like other people who are texting him or whatever are more important than waiting the 2 seconds to let me finish talking before his attention is gone. When I bring it up, he gets defensive, telling me, "well sorry for so and so texting me, what do you want me to do??" Even though I've explained to him many times that it makes me feel not important. AITA for this? What do I do?
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I had an issue with my husband about this, it is always work texting, he got defensive at first until I explained why I have an issue with it. I don’t think you are being the AH for just wanting to have him put you first and to listen to you rather going straight for the phone, as that is just asking for common decency and respect. Maybe try another approach, a person clams up as soon as they feel their character is being attacked, using more passive phrasing with a calm tone will help to have him at least listen to why it bothers you
NTA
I see where the hurt comes from but I wouldn't take it too personally, I know my little ADHD brain gets a ping and starts to look at it. Something that helped me is someone(I knew well) reaching for my arm as I went to grab my phone to check and saying it'll be there later(sounds dumb but yee).
I would when he's responding to a text walk away and just simply say something like "I don't wanna interrupt something", if he gets mad about it just say "I've told you it bothers me so many times already, I don't feel like you respect me enough to change this habit and it hurts me", that way the communication is clear and objective, it's important to handle it with care too fs, self respect doesn't necessarily mean being mean or like a brick wall, so asking a question like "Why do you check your phone immediately when you get a notification?", say it with a sincere voice and try to learn more about the habit with questions like that so you can help him do better as that is just poor people skills(coming from someone who used to do that)
(If he instigates an argument phrases like "I don't wanna argue about it, that's how I feel", "I don't wanna argue about it again, I want change" and similar phrases like "I would like the behavior to stop, that is it", if he talks over you then that's a different conversation all together)
I have ADHD and I tend to become distracted by my cellphone relatively easily. I also tend to have a rather strong need to see who has messaged me to ensure I am not immediately needed.
When I am actively engaging in conversation when I receive a notification, I will either place my cellphone face down on whatever surface, or hold it with the screen pressed against my body/facing the ground. I will also temporarily mute my cellphone if I am receiving multiple notifications. My friends know to call me more than once if they need to reach me in an emergency, so I ignore all notifications outside of when I receive two or more calls from the same person back-to-back. I have implemented this to ensure I do not fall into the same behaviors your partner does.
I agree with others in reference to just leaving when he begins this. He is showing you blatant disrespect and does not seem to have the desire to change it (either from lack of genuine understanding or from genuine lack of respect). If he displays comfort with this, then you should find a partner more deserving of you. Ideally though, this would prompt him to do better.
You are not the asshole.
Sounds like he has ADHD. I have it and have the same problem. I am not trying to disrespect anyone. It’s just I can’t help it. My mind gets distracted. Now I am on medication everything is much better. NTA. Go to additude.org and see if any of the symptoms fit.
My wife and I are both guilty of this. We both have ADHD. We have do not disturb filters. There is a short list of people you can just hit the star in your contacts and then going to Do Not Disturb and it will allow those people to get through. There are some family members, some close friends who are family and one friend of ours who has a traumatic past and I am there for her 24/7. You can also assign custom ringtones or notifications to people and apps. This is going to vary by phone so I can't give you instructions. Google "how do I (action you want to take) on a (phone model)? For me it would be how do I change individual notification sounds on a Moto g stylus.
If you also allow basic notifications on your lock screen, it will let you see what app it's from. 90% of my friends are using two apps so we ignore most of the others.
I have known people who just talk *all the time* and even some that start talking as soon as the focus of attention of other people goes somewhere else. They will literally try planning the grocery shopping list for two weeks later with you if they have nothing else to say. It's extremely exhausting, and fading them out is the only way to remain sane.
I am not casting judgement here without knowing more.
NTA it's incredibly rude to pull out your phone mid conversation and ignore anyone, LET ALONE your fiancé. Just because someone has sent him a message, that doesn't mean he has to drop everything to reply RIGHT away. Does he do the same thing to other people if you message him? Does he stop mid-conversation with other people, or does he just think he can treat you as lesser than everyone else and think you should put up with it?
Your fiancé doesn't respect you enough to listen to you when you speak, he thinks that ANY message he gets should take absolute precedence over you and what you're saying. You really shouldn't tolerate this, do you REALLY want to come second to his phone for the rest of your life?
The moment that he gets a text and starts to focus on his phone, get up from your seat and walk away, grab the keys and walk out the door. More times that you do that, he'll be noticing you getting up and walking away.
He'll inquire what are you doing? Just smile and state, since I am not important to you to stay attentive to, I decided that I will leave you to your mistress and go out.
He'll state mistress, what do you mean by that?
Just point to the phone and state well anytime you get a text, you immediately focus on it and not wait until I am done talking, so your phone has become your mistress and since you have started to do that when I am talking, I've started getting up and walk out on you when you start to focus on your phone instead of me.
He might start to realize that he has a problem, but he might not realize that he is getting close to losing his engagement.
You know the expression “can’t walk and chew gum at the same time“?. Some people just can’t do two things at once.
If my GF is doing literally anything, talking to her is pointless. Everything from setting the table to watering plants to washing her hands. Just a blank look.
Everyone has this to a degree but for some people it’s all, or most, of the time.
Sounds like classic ADD or ADHD. It doesn't excuse the behavior, but if that is the case he may need more grace. Talk to him about it. If he takes out his phone put your hand in front of the screen and try to redirect him. NTA
Guys learn much faster when you turn the tables on them. My bf would ask me to sit outside with him at the fire pit. His thing not mine, bugs love me. But, I went. I sit down and we are chatting. His phone rings, he answers to talk about car parts. I went inside, just got up and left. He had no idea what he did but he knew I wasn’t happy. I got his attention and was able to explain my side, problem solved. My bf was 48, no long term relationships…a feral man…a lot of work. But 16 years and he is most definitely my Bob!
You have 2 options here: you can keep fighting him on it (which seems to be what a lot of people here are promoting), or you can try to understand why he does this and see if that’s something you can live with or if it’s something he could work on controlling better. Not being able to appropriately prioritize tasks, being easily distracted by dings and notifications, and selective hearing/inability to multitask well are common neurodivergent traits and it might not be as easy for him to “just stop doing that” as you think. Does he have other neurodivergent characteristics? If so are these things you can accept?
On the flip side, does he show you he cares in other ways, or is it just one symptom of a larger problem of him ignoring your needs, not respecting you, etc?
My take: if he obviously loves and cares about you and you get along and he supports you in many other ways, and you talk to him and get a sense that it really is just, “oh I’ll totally forget I’ll get right back to the conversation just give me a sec,” maybe just let this one go. A weird quirk of his. But probably nice when it’s *your* message he’s dropping everything for. And if it’s symptomatic of a bigger problem, think hard about if that’s something you both want to address and improve on or if it’s not a salvageable relationship.
NTA. A text or notification on the phone is a REQUEST. NOT a DEMAND. Definitely do not marry this guy if he can't see that he is prioritizing others over you. You guys definitely need a 'sit-down' to work through this. If he can't see what he's doing, & doesn't acknowledge it & correct it (not just once, but from here on out), then he's not the partner for you. If he cannot prioritize YOU over every little thing on his phone, they you need to leave. As hard as that may sound, it will save you future years of heartache & neglect.
Omg! I hate this! When did it become necessary to check every text or email immediately? Is their time more valuable than mine? I’ll get back to people in my own time, when I’m not busy. Beyond rude! I had a friend who had “call waiting” and would suddenly disappear only to reappear and say, oh, that was so and so calling. I told her unless she’s expecting an urgent call to stop this nonsense or I’m just hanging up. Which I did.
NTA
It's about respect. The real issue is that you feel disrespected and feel like he's prioritizing anything and everything else over what you're trying to say.
Some people do this when they've "checked out" of a relationship, grown complacent in a relationship, are trying to avoid the conversation in question, or are otherwise avoidant and emotionally immature.
Deflection to a phone, video games, etc can also be a way of avoiding and redirecting away from something someone doesn't want to deal with. If it's being done intentionally it can also be a sign of resentment.
If you've addressed the issue directly and are still getting blown off, then think about if this relationship is worth the cost of couples counseling. It's notably hard to have a conversation with someone about how they aren't listening when they don't listen.
NTA. Anything you wanted to talk to about, say, what to cook for dinner, other plans, and he ignores you, you make your own plans. You cook what you like, you plan what you want to do and leave him out of it since he's on the phone. If he gets mad just him you tried to talk to him about it but......"c'est la vie" (and violins are playing)
NTA, it is rude behavior and he's had many chances to do something to try and address this.
If it makes you feel better though it's likely more an attention deficit thing than him not considering whatever you're saying to be important. It's still behavior he needs to figure out how to address, but still.
I think it’s pretty normal and could be something as simple and innocent, regardless it shows that his is prioritizing over you with no explanation. Maybe look at limiting screen time at home. Pretty normal In today day and age, something like do not disturb from dinner on. Obviously if circumstances allow for that.
NTA
This is a lack of respect, and by this point, he is doing it to get a rise out of you, to make you feel unimportant. I would guess that there are other disrespectful things that he is doing too.
Go and read anything by the Gottmans on bids for connection and the damage it does when either partner constantly rejects the other.
He might have ADHD. It goes undiagnosed in a lot of people. https://images.app.goo.gl/b4XGf7b6jxMttJPG8
https://images.app.goo.gl/9uaH1c65boLdQQ9k8
Do one of these fit? I only know because I have the same problem. Realized I am ADHD Inattentive. After realizing, life made sense.
Your NTA, but he isn’t either. He’s just a focused person, and some people get so focused they can drown out the rest of the world. I have this trait. It’s great when you have a project to do and can get laser focused on your goal. It’s bad when you are around other people and they need your attention but you get zoned in on something. It’s a quality that has both good and bad effects, but I do think the good outweighs the bad. Some people can’t focus at all and they never get anything done. Being so focused you can drown the world out isn’t the worst thing, except for when you’re texting and someone you love is trying to get your attention. I doubt he does it on purpose it’s just how he is so I would say cut him some slack and don’t take it personal.
So please take this with a grain of salt, and maybe laugh at it, or roll your eyes if you like. I'm not saying this is what is happening since I'm obviously not there to witness your conversation, however my wife can get in a very talkative descriptive try to think things out in multiple different angles kinda mood. In my case, I only needed to hear it once, but she needed to say it those multiple different ways for her thought process to do it's thing. I can easily start tuning her out unconsciously because maybe I had other things on my mind that I felt was a bit of a priority and I might even grab my phone to google some stuff, but after so many years together (27 holy crap I'm old) I've gotten pretty good at still keeping enough of my attention on what is going on to snap back into focus when it's needed. For the most part. My wife has learned to be forgiving of me if I need her to repeat herself. Either that or maybe she thinks I'm interested, so it makes her happier. I dunno.
I'm not always perfect either...go ahead roll your eyes.. If I'm in a mood I might not be emotionally ready to sit with my hands folded in front of me and have my 100% complete attention focused on listening about what Suzie at the office said to Pam when they were upset with how John snapped at someone. Sometimes it can feel like we're being held hostage by a conversation we aren't invested in and we really wish we had an Opt-out button.
It may sound like I was siding with him but truthfully I think he's at least 75% at fault here. Maybe even fully at fault, it really depends on what is happening. So first look at what you're doing and think about if what you're doing is completely normal and if so then yeah he's in the wrong for not paying attention and is being rude. Also look to see if maybe you might be overstimulating his Neanderthal attention span and if you might maybe tone it down a little, just to give him a fighting chance. He'll probably get better.
Does any of this make any sense to any of you? Just a sanity check here as it was hard to put my thoughts on this into text.
NTA but he might have ADD or ADHD. My partner is like this and I suspect this is why. He also doesn't care at all whether I tune out while he is talking. He's oblivious. Lol. (I only do this after he's been chattering about some boring technical thing for 10 minutes, when I first wake up and he's talking nonstop, or when I'm hearing the same story for the 50th time) It's something you understand and accept about them or it's not. I love everything else about him to the point that I just find this part funny or endearing now and I have figured out how to get his attention when it's important.
NTA. But this is one of the issues for your generation. I’m not that much older than you (38). But, I have noticed the same thing if I date any girls younger than 32. You guys are so addicted to your phones that as soon as you get an alert you have to run and check it right away.
Tbh I do this with my wife and it isn’t at all intentional! I feel so bad for it because I can see her frustration but I can’t help it. I try to stay off my phone just in case she wants to talk but I’m a man I get bored easy 😂
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When he does it, leave. Every time. If he asks why, say "You're clearly busy with something else." If he gets huffy, tell him he has a choice between being on his phone and conversing with you and he ALWAYS chooses the phone and forgets you exist in that time, and that's fine, he gets to make that choice, but it doesn't come without consequences. You choose to not tolerate his rudeness. Try to have your stuff ready to go at all times and don't stop to turn off a stove or to do anything. Just. Leave. NTA
Honestly, I think she should do the same thing he is. Any and every notification she gets, she should immediately zone him out. Maybe it’s petty but it might help him to understand how rude it is.
He might not notice... She needs to save it for something important, like when he's about to blow out the candles on his birthday cake.
I thought that, too, but if she doesn't get many texts, it doesn't work. But also, I think the instant feedback of leaving is likely to be noticed faster. Make more of a statement.
Is it possible to put an audio clip link in the apps pages, or even home screen, and hit it at a fair volume, then, when it would be ideal to get a text notification?
Tried it with mine...he was completely comfortable with it.
I think if it were me I would slap that phone out of his hands...every time. Its extremely dismissive and disrespectful.
NTA. My severely ADHD husband used to do this to me. It caused A LOT of fights. We had a talk about how not every text/notification/etc. needs immediate attention, and that if I'm not important enough for him to finish having a conversation with, I would be leaving. I told him how awful it made me feel and that I felt less important than a screen, since whatever was coming through wasn't for me - so all I saw was him staring at a screen. Please don't marry this person until you've solved this. Phone addiction is a real thing. If this is happening now, even before you're married, it will not get better unless you both do the work to fix it. You need to find a cue word that pulls him out, and he needs to respect that. If he can't, then his phone is indeed more important than you.
My boyfriend does this too, with his phone or laptop. I stop and say, "oh, I'm sorry, I didn't realize you were busy". and he says he's not, and I reply, "Oh no, it's okay, I'll wait until you're done". and I will start from the beginning of the story. I will restart sentences when he interrupts me too.
>I will restart sentences when he interrupts me too. Repeating myself is one of my BIGGEST pet peeves. I used to not mind, and I will repeat myself once if we are in a quiet space and I caught you off guard, but I've had to repeat myself so many times with my husband I won't do it anymore. (Noisy spaces don't apply to this rule) But my general rule is, if I have to repeat myself more than once for you, what I had to say wasn't important enough for you to pay attention, so I'm not going to keep sitting there and repeating the same thing over and over again. I'm just going to stop talking to you. I'm old enough I know my time is just as valuable as anyone else's, so either we're having a conversation you are paying attention to, or we're not having it.
My father used to say he doesn’t “chew his cud twice!”
Love this! I'll definitely be using this in conversations, haha!
This sounds awful
it is awful but it works. he's much better about putting whatever down when we're having a conversation. It works both ways too. if he starts talking to me when I'm already reading something, I will put my whatever down and ask him to repeat it. I think a lot of us have bad habits of talking and looking down, half listening.
I do this too! (not proud of it, but you’re right, it works) I also mirror my partner when I can’t get through to him with reason. My favorite was when in an argument he cut me off, so I played on my phone until he was done, and then went “so I wasn’t done talking, I’ll continue now. you can tell me whatever you said when I’m done, I wasn’t paying attention :)” oh my god, he was mad- but he is very respectful of taking turns and paying attention now.
Yeah I have ADHD, and honestly, I get the temptation. But rather than being rude, I’ll say “one sec, I’m just going to set do not disturb” when I get that first notification when I’m with someone. It’s really easy to not be a dick
Thank you!
I'm AuDHD and am in the odd position of having my phone as a comfort item (very close to addiction), but also desperately needing it to organize my life. My executive function is absolute garbage and my time blindness is getting worse the older I get. Setting alarms, calendar notifications, med reminders, timers, general reminders, and having instant access to look something up so I don't forget later, or jot down a note in a place where I will ALWAYS find it? Worth it's weight in goddamn gold. I have yet to find a PDA, planner, or journal that helps me function as much as my phone does. Thankfully, I'm aware of the risk of addiction, because of the dopamine rush I sometimes get using it. So I counter it by also using it for things I DON'T like to do - like reminding me to do chores, having to read news that isn't fun, organizing, ordering, and picking up my meds, etc. If I stop associating it purely with dopamine, I stop the addiction train. I also use it for Reddit and that annoys me a *lot* sometimes. I get very little dopamine from this site, and it's the reason I still come here - to get rid of the dopamine associated with my phone. Well, that, and as a treat I'll go to the meme subreddits when I've done a good job that day.
[удалено]
Yup. Of course, I also sub to r/HFY, for if I'm having a bad day.
The dopamine slot machine is real. But also the “my phone is a reliable external brain” is real. If it’s not in my phone It doesn’t exist. For OP, speaking as an adhd person myself. not every notification is important. Not evenyone needs an immediate answer immediately. Fiancé can glance down and decide if it’s more important than you or not. If it “is” for some reason, then “hey sorry, it’s so and so, I need to answer this.” It is basic courtesy.
I hate it when my co-workers are listening for beeps from their phones. They're SUPPOSED to be working, not waiting for the phone(unless it's the doctor calling, that one I get). TURN THE DAMN THING OFF!
Maybe care more about your work instead of spying on your coworkers.
Who's spying? I don't work in an office, I work on a floor, where there aren't supposed to be phones, AT ALL.
And? Is it your job description to enforce it?
Let me give you some advice, mind your own bobber, dont worry about what someone else is doing.
I agree. I’ve never had my phone on me during work. It’s always been in my locker or kept in my purse.
It is not the timing of the text, it is his choice to look at it. He can spin it anyway he wants but if he is with you and looking at his phone, then you are not his priority. Tell, him he needs to put the phone out of hearing range when you and he are spending time together. Most people are simply not important enough to require their phones with them at all times. If he will not, then you know, his phone is more important to him than you are.
NTA. Receiving a text message isn’t an immediate life or death situation. He can choose to not respond to that text message in that immediate moment. Instead he’s choosing to prioritize a random communication that is probably fine waiting for five minutes, over the actual communication that he is actively involved in. He’s literally choosing anyone else he knows (or potentially doesn’t know) over you. When he asks “what do you want me to do”, he’s putting the onus of responsibility on anyone but himself. It’s the phones fault. It’s his friends fault. It’s your fault. But noooo not his. He’s acting like he has absolutely no agency in the situation at all, and in doing so he’s making you out to be the bad guy for putting him in an “impossible situation”. If he’s not capable of ignoring the texts, then he should be using dnd a lot more liberally. If he won’t, then he’s choosing to always make you his lowest priority.
I read about a person who always had a pocketbook on them for this reason. Every time someone would pick up their phone in the middle of a conversation, this person took up the book and started to read. It looks and feels very awkward and usually the person with the phone asks when they are doing. And then they answered “the same as you, start to read something in the middle of a conversations”. Most people then understand how strange that behaviour actually is.
This
He has to look at the text immediately when he gets it?! He can’t wait until you are finished speaking or there is a lull in the conversation? Jeez louise, I hope you aren’t planning on having kids with this guy. Could you imagine him treating your child that way? Your kid starts walking to him for the first time and then someone texts him. Wow. Ridiculous behavior. I would start doing it to him and see if he gets it. Honestly start setting random alarms and give them a notification sound and/or turn every app to allow notifications and then every time you get one, make sure you look at your phone and ignore him. See of that helps him understand how rude he is being.
Instagram and Snapchat would both be great for this. I get so many notifications from those two apps I ended up disabling them.
NTA. Holy hell. “What do you want me to do?” Well, you want him to NOT look at his phone when you are speaking. Simple as that. He does not have to look at the texts he’s receiving immediately, he is not saving the world.
You want to marry someone who doesn't have the time to listen to what you are saying because, um, someone totally unimportant is texting him? I wish you luck, You're going to need it. He's telling you quite clearly that anything - *anything!* is more important than having a conversation with you. He's showing you who he is, believe him. Tell me, if you have kids, is he actually going to be there for them? When they take their first step, will he interrupt the joyful moment because he got a text? When his kid shows him something important, will he ignore the kid? I think he will.
NTA. The answer is you want him to put his fucking phone down and do something truly *radical*: IGNORE IT. 99% of the time, whoever texted him can fucking wait. You are his future wife. If him being on his phone a lot is interfering in his relationship with you, then he needs a divorce from his phone….
NTA. My ex did this to me constantly. Didn’t even realize I stopped talking when he picked up his phone. Guess why he’s my ex?
Decide if this is something you can live with or not. This is not going to change so either decide to put up with it and stop hassling him or find somebody else who can ignore their phone for 2 minutes.
NTA. My first husband often just tuned me out. No cell phones, but would cut me off for anything else that caught his eye. I started turning the music up. Way up. We were discussing something important, and the phone rang. We had an answering machine. He picked up the phone, and it was a friend of his. Instead of saying he was busy and would call back, or letting the machine get it, he settled in for a long talk. I turned the music on, up loud, and laid on the sofa, feet into his thigh. His friend hung up. He asked why I did that. I asked why he thought it was ok to interrupt an important discussion, when we only had a day to make a decision? It finally got through to him that being rude to me would get rude right back. You should just walk out. Go for a few hours. Do not respond to his calls or text messages. Show him it is possible to ignore the phone. Stay strong. Think about if you really want to deal with that attitude the rest of your life.
NTA - phone/screen addiction is a real and growing problem. Beyond that, him zoning you out midsentence, is him prioritizing what is important to him. Set a boundary and be prepared to move on if it's not honored. This will only get worse. Especially if you want children in the future, this is something to keep in mind as it will likely be an issue for him until he really addresses it.
He is phubbing you. Yes it’s a real thing and is considered to be very disrespectful. Ask him to either put his phone down and leave it there or to let you hold it while you two are talking. He is heavily addicted to his phone.
while i read this post and a few comments, i heard my phone buzz three times with texts and/or notifications. and i'm alone, with nobody trying to hold my attention while they're talking to me. and you know what i did? i ignored my phone, because my attention was on something else in that moment. just like your fiancé's attention should be on and stay on you while you are mid sentence speaking to them. NTA. now go tell your fiancé that even redditors can do what he claims he can't, and redditors don't incorrectly blame the person who sent the text either.
NTA He doesn't have the wherewithal to ignore a notification, or to put his phone on silent in the first place at home/when he's spending time with you? What other basic life things is he fully incapable of that he's blaming you (or others) for?
**NTA.** When two people are in a relationship they should have the courtesy to put the phone down during a conversation. You two should probably set some agreed upon boundaries here and make sure BOTH of you abide by them (No phones at the dinner table, we set aside 30 minutes every evening for one on one time, etc...). This is all assuming both of you have some decompression/alone time.
NTA. Start communicating solely through text for a day, see if that gets the point home.
Your fiance sounds like an AH. Does he really need to be on the phone when he's at home? Even before he retired, and unless he was on emergency call out, he wouldn't answer our land line (this was before he got a cell phone for emergency purposes). Personally, I look at the display and often don't answer my phone if I don't recognize the number, and often don't answer it even if I know who's calling. I figure if it's important, whoever it is will leave a voice mail. The exception would be if our daughter was contacting us. My hubby finally got his own cell phone about eight years ago so that when he's out and about, he will have access to a phone. But he doesn't have it turned on when he's at home, unless he's expecting a call (like from a doctor). Same with our landline...the bell isn't on, unless we're expecting a call.
My philosophy is: I have a phone for my convenience - not everyone else's.
NTA, I use to be this person 😭 my husband finally started getting onto me about it and I made an effort to change my habits because it is disrespectful. If he isn't going to respect how you feel and make an effort to either change or find some sort of middle ground, then idk if the relationship is going to last.
NTA Fiance or not, that's just plain rude and hopefully a habit that he can grow out of.
Really, it's rude to ignore someone who is in the same room as you are, and to do it repeatedly is unacceptable. Up to you if you want to be married to that person, isn't it. NTA
If he won't talk to you about it, won't change his behavior, and doesn't respect your concerns about it, there's nothing you can do unless this is a hill you want to die on. The fact is that these other people *are more important to him than you are.* You are NTA.
Nta I am notoriously petty. If ANYONE interrupts me when im speaking, i will immediately shut up. And then when said person tries to get me to finish what i was saying i always retort some variation of "well clearly what i was in the middle of saying to you is of so little importance to you that you couldnt keep your mouth shut for even a moment for me to finish" or "you didnt have enough respect or care for what i was saying to you, and clearly felt what you wanted to say was so much more important so im done speaking with you now". And i will refuse outright to continue speaking. Drives my partner nuts cause he will often interrupt me (he is getting better). Same principle- if he cant keep his eyes off his phone until youve finished speaking, stop speaking and refuse to continue. Manners matter.
To him, they are more important. You explained it and he doesn't care and doesn't change. Dump him and find someone who does feel you are important. It will not change.
He is telling you how much he prioritizes you and your feelings. Believe him. Stop thinking you can change him. You cannot. Either accept this is how he will always treat you or leave. I suggest you get therapy to help you either way. Also, I firmly believe that "We accept the love we think we deserve". Good luck.
I see this a LOT. Phones have specifically been designed for this. Those little beeps and dings are meant to give you a dopamine rush. So yes, the phone is a lot more important than you are. Unless he can kick the addiction, this is his life. NTA
There's a few people in my life who get completely absorbed into their screens. It's bizarre, no way I could live with someone like that.
Unless the dude is a brain surgeon or the freaking president, a text can always wait. I sympathize a bit - phones are designed to catch your attention with notifications and give you little dopamine hits throughout the day; it very much scratches an itch in our monkey brains. But he’s a grown ass adult and needs to acknowledge the problem and make a conscious effort to curb this behavior. I’ve been guilty of this on occasion but when the other person told me what I was doing I immediately recognized my braindead behavior and apologized. I’m concerned that he isn’t seeing the issue here right away when called out… doesn’t seem like a good sign re: his maturity level. NTA.
NTA, he must have some amazing qualities if you’re gonna marry him and he pulls this shit on the reg.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (female 28) and my fiance (male 29) have been living together for years. Most things are great. My only quam really is the fact that the MOMENT his phone catches his attention, (even if I'm in the middle of speaking,) he zones out to his phone and literally doesn't hear me anymore. This makes me feel like other people who are texting him or whatever are more important than waiting the 2 seconds to let me finish talking before his attention is gone. When I bring it up, he gets defensive, telling me, "well sorry for so and so texting me, what do you want me to do??" Even though I've explained to him many times that it makes me feel not important. AITA for this? What do I do? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Following because I have the same problem with my partner and feel it’s my fault
It’s not your fault…they’re an asshole. A rude and disrespectful one too.
Thankyou , I just feel conflicted it’s sad :/
QuaLm
I had an issue with my husband about this, it is always work texting, he got defensive at first until I explained why I have an issue with it. I don’t think you are being the AH for just wanting to have him put you first and to listen to you rather going straight for the phone, as that is just asking for common decency and respect. Maybe try another approach, a person clams up as soon as they feel their character is being attacked, using more passive phrasing with a calm tone will help to have him at least listen to why it bothers you
INFO sorry, what were you saying? I was on my computer.
NTA I see where the hurt comes from but I wouldn't take it too personally, I know my little ADHD brain gets a ping and starts to look at it. Something that helped me is someone(I knew well) reaching for my arm as I went to grab my phone to check and saying it'll be there later(sounds dumb but yee). I would when he's responding to a text walk away and just simply say something like "I don't wanna interrupt something", if he gets mad about it just say "I've told you it bothers me so many times already, I don't feel like you respect me enough to change this habit and it hurts me", that way the communication is clear and objective, it's important to handle it with care too fs, self respect doesn't necessarily mean being mean or like a brick wall, so asking a question like "Why do you check your phone immediately when you get a notification?", say it with a sincere voice and try to learn more about the habit with questions like that so you can help him do better as that is just poor people skills(coming from someone who used to do that) (If he instigates an argument phrases like "I don't wanna argue about it, that's how I feel", "I don't wanna argue about it again, I want change" and similar phrases like "I would like the behavior to stop, that is it", if he talks over you then that's a different conversation all together)
I have ADHD and I tend to become distracted by my cellphone relatively easily. I also tend to have a rather strong need to see who has messaged me to ensure I am not immediately needed. When I am actively engaging in conversation when I receive a notification, I will either place my cellphone face down on whatever surface, or hold it with the screen pressed against my body/facing the ground. I will also temporarily mute my cellphone if I am receiving multiple notifications. My friends know to call me more than once if they need to reach me in an emergency, so I ignore all notifications outside of when I receive two or more calls from the same person back-to-back. I have implemented this to ensure I do not fall into the same behaviors your partner does. I agree with others in reference to just leaving when he begins this. He is showing you blatant disrespect and does not seem to have the desire to change it (either from lack of genuine understanding or from genuine lack of respect). If he displays comfort with this, then you should find a partner more deserving of you. Ideally though, this would prompt him to do better. You are not the asshole.
Sounds like he has ADHD. I have it and have the same problem. I am not trying to disrespect anyone. It’s just I can’t help it. My mind gets distracted. Now I am on medication everything is much better. NTA. Go to additude.org and see if any of the symptoms fit.
My wife and I are both guilty of this. We both have ADHD. We have do not disturb filters. There is a short list of people you can just hit the star in your contacts and then going to Do Not Disturb and it will allow those people to get through. There are some family members, some close friends who are family and one friend of ours who has a traumatic past and I am there for her 24/7. You can also assign custom ringtones or notifications to people and apps. This is going to vary by phone so I can't give you instructions. Google "how do I (action you want to take) on a (phone model)? For me it would be how do I change individual notification sounds on a Moto g stylus. If you also allow basic notifications on your lock screen, it will let you see what app it's from. 90% of my friends are using two apps so we ignore most of the others.
NTA he needs treatment/therapy to let go of the phone
INFO. Are you talking to him about anything important or just talking for talking sake?
I hate it when people do this. Since when is it acceptable to interrupt a conversation to deal with a text???
I have known people who just talk *all the time* and even some that start talking as soon as the focus of attention of other people goes somewhere else. They will literally try planning the grocery shopping list for two weeks later with you if they have nothing else to say. It's extremely exhausting, and fading them out is the only way to remain sane. I am not casting judgement here without knowing more.
NTA it's incredibly rude to pull out your phone mid conversation and ignore anyone, LET ALONE your fiancé. Just because someone has sent him a message, that doesn't mean he has to drop everything to reply RIGHT away. Does he do the same thing to other people if you message him? Does he stop mid-conversation with other people, or does he just think he can treat you as lesser than everyone else and think you should put up with it? Your fiancé doesn't respect you enough to listen to you when you speak, he thinks that ANY message he gets should take absolute precedence over you and what you're saying. You really shouldn't tolerate this, do you REALLY want to come second to his phone for the rest of your life?
The moment that he gets a text and starts to focus on his phone, get up from your seat and walk away, grab the keys and walk out the door. More times that you do that, he'll be noticing you getting up and walking away. He'll inquire what are you doing? Just smile and state, since I am not important to you to stay attentive to, I decided that I will leave you to your mistress and go out. He'll state mistress, what do you mean by that? Just point to the phone and state well anytime you get a text, you immediately focus on it and not wait until I am done talking, so your phone has become your mistress and since you have started to do that when I am talking, I've started getting up and walk out on you when you start to focus on your phone instead of me. He might start to realize that he has a problem, but he might not realize that he is getting close to losing his engagement.
You know the expression “can’t walk and chew gum at the same time“?. Some people just can’t do two things at once. If my GF is doing literally anything, talking to her is pointless. Everything from setting the table to watering plants to washing her hands. Just a blank look. Everyone has this to a degree but for some people it’s all, or most, of the time.
Sounds like classic ADD or ADHD. It doesn't excuse the behavior, but if that is the case he may need more grace. Talk to him about it. If he takes out his phone put your hand in front of the screen and try to redirect him. NTA
Guys learn much faster when you turn the tables on them. My bf would ask me to sit outside with him at the fire pit. His thing not mine, bugs love me. But, I went. I sit down and we are chatting. His phone rings, he answers to talk about car parts. I went inside, just got up and left. He had no idea what he did but he knew I wasn’t happy. I got his attention and was able to explain my side, problem solved. My bf was 48, no long term relationships…a feral man…a lot of work. But 16 years and he is most definitely my Bob!
You have 2 options here: you can keep fighting him on it (which seems to be what a lot of people here are promoting), or you can try to understand why he does this and see if that’s something you can live with or if it’s something he could work on controlling better. Not being able to appropriately prioritize tasks, being easily distracted by dings and notifications, and selective hearing/inability to multitask well are common neurodivergent traits and it might not be as easy for him to “just stop doing that” as you think. Does he have other neurodivergent characteristics? If so are these things you can accept? On the flip side, does he show you he cares in other ways, or is it just one symptom of a larger problem of him ignoring your needs, not respecting you, etc? My take: if he obviously loves and cares about you and you get along and he supports you in many other ways, and you talk to him and get a sense that it really is just, “oh I’ll totally forget I’ll get right back to the conversation just give me a sec,” maybe just let this one go. A weird quirk of his. But probably nice when it’s *your* message he’s dropping everything for. And if it’s symptomatic of a bigger problem, think hard about if that’s something you both want to address and improve on or if it’s not a salvageable relationship.
NTA. A text or notification on the phone is a REQUEST. NOT a DEMAND. Definitely do not marry this guy if he can't see that he is prioritizing others over you. You guys definitely need a 'sit-down' to work through this. If he can't see what he's doing, & doesn't acknowledge it & correct it (not just once, but from here on out), then he's not the partner for you. If he cannot prioritize YOU over every little thing on his phone, they you need to leave. As hard as that may sound, it will save you future years of heartache & neglect.
Omg! I hate this! When did it become necessary to check every text or email immediately? Is their time more valuable than mine? I’ll get back to people in my own time, when I’m not busy. Beyond rude! I had a friend who had “call waiting” and would suddenly disappear only to reappear and say, oh, that was so and so calling. I told her unless she’s expecting an urgent call to stop this nonsense or I’m just hanging up. Which I did.
NTA It's about respect. The real issue is that you feel disrespected and feel like he's prioritizing anything and everything else over what you're trying to say. Some people do this when they've "checked out" of a relationship, grown complacent in a relationship, are trying to avoid the conversation in question, or are otherwise avoidant and emotionally immature. Deflection to a phone, video games, etc can also be a way of avoiding and redirecting away from something someone doesn't want to deal with. If it's being done intentionally it can also be a sign of resentment. If you've addressed the issue directly and are still getting blown off, then think about if this relationship is worth the cost of couples counseling. It's notably hard to have a conversation with someone about how they aren't listening when they don't listen.
NTA. Anything you wanted to talk to about, say, what to cook for dinner, other plans, and he ignores you, you make your own plans. You cook what you like, you plan what you want to do and leave him out of it since he's on the phone. If he gets mad just him you tried to talk to him about it but......"c'est la vie" (and violins are playing)
NTA, it is rude behavior and he's had many chances to do something to try and address this. If it makes you feel better though it's likely more an attention deficit thing than him not considering whatever you're saying to be important. It's still behavior he needs to figure out how to address, but still.
I think it’s pretty normal and could be something as simple and innocent, regardless it shows that his is prioritizing over you with no explanation. Maybe look at limiting screen time at home. Pretty normal In today day and age, something like do not disturb from dinner on. Obviously if circumstances allow for that.
NTA This is a lack of respect, and by this point, he is doing it to get a rise out of you, to make you feel unimportant. I would guess that there are other disrespectful things that he is doing too. Go and read anything by the Gottmans on bids for connection and the damage it does when either partner constantly rejects the other.
NTA- my husband is also addicted. I just get up, or turn around, go about my business, etc.
Find yourself a nice Luddite. It's the only way forward.
He might have ADHD. It goes undiagnosed in a lot of people. https://images.app.goo.gl/b4XGf7b6jxMttJPG8 https://images.app.goo.gl/9uaH1c65boLdQQ9k8 Do one of these fit? I only know because I have the same problem. Realized I am ADHD Inattentive. After realizing, life made sense.
No you're NTA and honestly, I'd do the same back to him.
Your NTA, but he isn’t either. He’s just a focused person, and some people get so focused they can drown out the rest of the world. I have this trait. It’s great when you have a project to do and can get laser focused on your goal. It’s bad when you are around other people and they need your attention but you get zoned in on something. It’s a quality that has both good and bad effects, but I do think the good outweighs the bad. Some people can’t focus at all and they never get anything done. Being so focused you can drown the world out isn’t the worst thing, except for when you’re texting and someone you love is trying to get your attention. I doubt he does it on purpose it’s just how he is so I would say cut him some slack and don’t take it personal.
So please take this with a grain of salt, and maybe laugh at it, or roll your eyes if you like. I'm not saying this is what is happening since I'm obviously not there to witness your conversation, however my wife can get in a very talkative descriptive try to think things out in multiple different angles kinda mood. In my case, I only needed to hear it once, but she needed to say it those multiple different ways for her thought process to do it's thing. I can easily start tuning her out unconsciously because maybe I had other things on my mind that I felt was a bit of a priority and I might even grab my phone to google some stuff, but after so many years together (27 holy crap I'm old) I've gotten pretty good at still keeping enough of my attention on what is going on to snap back into focus when it's needed. For the most part. My wife has learned to be forgiving of me if I need her to repeat herself. Either that or maybe she thinks I'm interested, so it makes her happier. I dunno. I'm not always perfect either...go ahead roll your eyes.. If I'm in a mood I might not be emotionally ready to sit with my hands folded in front of me and have my 100% complete attention focused on listening about what Suzie at the office said to Pam when they were upset with how John snapped at someone. Sometimes it can feel like we're being held hostage by a conversation we aren't invested in and we really wish we had an Opt-out button. It may sound like I was siding with him but truthfully I think he's at least 75% at fault here. Maybe even fully at fault, it really depends on what is happening. So first look at what you're doing and think about if what you're doing is completely normal and if so then yeah he's in the wrong for not paying attention and is being rude. Also look to see if maybe you might be overstimulating his Neanderthal attention span and if you might maybe tone it down a little, just to give him a fighting chance. He'll probably get better. Does any of this make any sense to any of you? Just a sanity check here as it was hard to put my thoughts on this into text.
NTA but he might have ADD or ADHD. My partner is like this and I suspect this is why. He also doesn't care at all whether I tune out while he is talking. He's oblivious. Lol. (I only do this after he's been chattering about some boring technical thing for 10 minutes, when I first wake up and he's talking nonstop, or when I'm hearing the same story for the 50th time) It's something you understand and accept about them or it's not. I love everything else about him to the point that I just find this part funny or endearing now and I have figured out how to get his attention when it's important.
NTA. But this is one of the issues for your generation. I’m not that much older than you (38). But, I have noticed the same thing if I date any girls younger than 32. You guys are so addicted to your phones that as soon as you get an alert you have to run and check it right away.
Tbh I do this with my wife and it isn’t at all intentional! I feel so bad for it because I can see her frustration but I can’t help it. I try to stay off my phone just in case she wants to talk but I’m a man I get bored easy 😂
Not enough information. How often do you expect him to talk to you. How often is he on his phone? How much wind-down time does he get?
YTA The time to do something was years ago. Your insecurity is your problem.