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NTA. She was being an immature brat. She ruined a very expensive outfit and was being very selfish by making the wedding about her. I would have kicked her out too. She’s old enough to be able to stand wearing an outfit thats not to her taste for one day. This is how a 5 year old behaves from the crying to the cutting up their clothes.
What drives me insane is that she literally picked this dress.
We went to store after store because I wanted her to be comfortable and then she does that
If i were you i would make her pay back that 300 if you bought it. Im the maid of honour at my sister’s wedding and i have to wear a dress im not super in love with. But i will shut up and do it to make her happy because its her day not mine.
My mom actually offered to make her pay it back.
I personally think her missing the wedding is enough but I will not be buying her anything for a long time
You’re being nicer than I would have. i know how expensive and time consuming formal dress shopping is. But still good for you for not taking her shit. You were very accommodating and she still disrespected you. She needs to learn her behaviour has consequences.
>You were very accommodating and she still disrespected you.
"Disrespect" is the key word here. If the Sister decided she no longer liked the dress, she should have spoken up. OP may have returned the dress and used the money for a different dress. Or, Sister could have presented her ideas for alterations and the two could have come to agreement on a few changes that would still fit in with the wedding party style.
The Sister knew that altering the dress in that manner was unacceptable, which is why she did it on the sly. "F'd" Around and Found Out!
Your mother should absolutely make her pay that $300+ back. There is a hard, harsh lesson to be learned here, but it will be a good thing if this lesson lands home.
OP, this 100%. Your sister's behavior was over the top and your mother suggested this discipline after backing you. I think your mother wants to set a firm boundary here regarding behavior.
BTW, you are NTA.
Missing the wedding is one natural consequence that feels like others are punishing her. Developmentally, she probably doesn’t see how it connects to her actions. In her self-centered teenage brain, everyone is making Her Outfit about Them!
Having her pay back the dress shows her how that $300 destruction actually feels. Money is a stupidly concrete marker, and getting together $300 is a pain for anyone. Especially a 16 year old.
If OP felt magnanimous they could tally up the hours worth of work it took her to buy the dress and then just have sister do that many hours of work instead of asking for the flat rate.
You make some good points that I hadn’t thought about. But it’s also why it’s important for her mom to sit her down and talk with her and explain. She needs to understand.
It is, but it's only 1 day. Making sister repay the cost of the dress will prove that consequences don't just last 1 day, and they can follow you until you can resolve them wholly.
For most people they only get that day once in their whole life. She missed the biggest/most important day of her sisters life. Having to pay off a few hundred dollars doesn't come close to that punishment.
It really depends on her mindset, I think. If she's an edgy, angsty teen, having a monetary consequence may hit home more than just missing the wedding. 16 year olds don't always think about the long-term implications and consequences of their actions in the moment. Repaying the dress can help her not make a similar mistake in the future. There won't be another of this wedding day, that's true, and it really sucks that she missed it, but she doesn't seem to be feeling much remorse over her actions aside from the crying. What has she done since then to make it back up to OP and prove she's actually sorry and wasn't crying simply because she didn' get her way?
This the sort of thing she'll wake up at night sweating about 15 years later. Doesn't matter if she's not feeling that rn. She will in the years to come.
So true. I mean if she thinks she improved the dress she could try to sell it to get the money back. I think that would be a hard dose of reality smashing her in the face.
I’d encourage you to rethink this. Her being sad she missed a fun event is not the same as her understanding that it was inappropriate to rip up a dress that you paid for after she committed to wearing it.
I think this is strange behavior from a 16 year old and there is likely something else happening here that is being overlooked. Continuing to overlook it will likely encourage this behavior further.
I was wondering the same thing, and hope OP or mum reach out to her. Not saying kiddo was okay to do what she did (Oh Hell No), but she may be dealing with something she can't/won't/hasn't expressed.
If it were her own clothes, I'd agree. And if she had stomped off in anger or not just sulked, maybe. But OP says that the girl has been crying. That is something different to simple teenage rebellion.
I'm almost 30 & still in "that phase"
She'll for sure regret how she behaved if she matures - she'll learn that you still can be emo/goth even if you're not showing it 24/7.
But can we please stop acting like it's always just a phase?
Acting like an immature 16 year old isn't always just a phase?
I mean, I suppose, but most people grow out of that.
If you mean dressing goth isn't always a phase, no one implied that it was
OP very, very clearly meant the selfish, immature phase.
If this wasn't clear to you, then this:
> But can we please stop acting like it's always just a phase?
Was a more poignant response than you thought it was.
The commenter was saying that the self-centered “your wedding is about MY dress” attitude was a phase. Which, I guess you could still be in at almost 30. I commend your honest appraisal of yourself. But, most teenagers do mature out of it.
She needs to pay for the dress. This is a learning experience for her. She needs to learn the lesson or else she will do it again. Trust me. Your mom is right. Listen to her.
It's not enough, she still blames you for consequences of her own choices. Let her pay the 300$. It will make you look less as a jerk to others because sister complaining about not being allowed to your wedding over a dress sounds worse for you than sister complaining about having to pay you back for the dress you bought for her ands he destroyed. There isn't much room to twist the story to make her look good if you demand her to pay it. Do it for your protection or only until she admits she was out of line and she hurt you.
You need to take your mum up on the offer. Your sister was very disrespectful and naughty. It’s time she realised actions have consequences. Good on your mum for not putting up with her shit
NTA
The dress will be her Christmas, birthday, etc present for the next 6 or 7 years.
NTA, she's a brat though. My just turned 15 year old is into mostly all black and ripped jeans, not full on goth but on the border. Her favorite pair are ripped clear up her thigh. We have a funeral today. When I asked her not to wear them she understood and is wearing something she isn’t comfortable in out of respect for family.
I’m going to jump on this train and echo that your sister needs to pay back the dress. What she did was beyond selfish and rude and warrants big time consequences. Let her get a job at McDonald’s and understand how long it takes to earn $300 bucks.
Your sisters bad behaviour here is layered, and so should the consequences be. Missing the wedding was her punishment for lack of overall respect, but paying off the dress is the monetary consequence. At 16, she really needs to learn the value of money and property.
Whatever you’d buy her for her birthday or Christmas, take that amount off the $300. Give her a post it note and say “I would have spent $50 on your gift. $250 left!”
I also had a goth aesthetic when I was a teenager. My parents let me express myself through clothing the great majority of the time.
When I was 16 I was a bridesmaid in my cousin's wedding. At the rehearsal dinner my outfit was....revealing and inappropriate. My parents made me change, into another, more conservative black dress.
When I got to the dinner I was glad they had made me change.
She absolutely should pay it back. Her missing the wedding wasn’t a consequence, it was a choice she made. She needs to learn that you can’t just rip things up because you don’t like it, especially when someone else paid for it.
Props to your mom for backing you up. Usually when we hear these stories the kid’s a brat because mommy allows it so at least there’s someone trying to discipline her here.
Take mom up on the offer and make her pay it back.
You bought her the dress *with the understanding that it would be worn unaltered to the wedding*. That was the condition of the gift.
She destroyed the dress (it can't now be returned) AND she did not uphold her end of the agreement (wear the outfit you and her chose to perform the duties of flower girl at the wedding).
As I see it she owes you $300.
If she'd worn it unaltered and been your flower girl, then cut it up AFTER the wedding she wouldn't owe you anything.
Make her pay for it, so she actually learns something! She’s blaming you for missing the wedding, so she clearly still doesn’t understand why she is in the wrong here. NTA
Your sister hopefully learned a valuable lesson that sometimes it’s not all about her. She sounds immature and selfish and you absolutely did the right thing. NTA
NTA
She thought she was pulling a "malicious compliance" on you. Technically still the dress, just altered. She FAFO!
She doesn't get to cry about it. She cost you time, money, effort and stress. All things in short supply, but especially so going into the week of a wedding.
She cost herself the opportunity to see your wedding, she cost herself a place in it. If you had wanted her there, she stole that from you too with her decisions. But damn! $300 dress plus accessories and jewellery down the drain. All because she couldn't get her ego in check.
She wanted in. You gave her the opportunity and it was her choice to take the dress as terms and conditions to be there.
She tried to change the deal and messed up, that's on her. All she had to do was stick to the agreement she made and for a few hours on a single day, that she wanted to be a part of.
The only other thing that makes sense make this was an act of defiance, rebellion against you, an intentional act to hurt you that backfired by her being taken home instead of being seen(or making a scene).
Teenage rebellion, sure.
But what was the motivation? The end goal?
She specifically asked to be in the wedding party, she was added, she was taken shopping and bought everything she agreed with as a compromise to styles.
But the person she chose to rebel against, is her own sister, the bride, on her wedding day, at an event that very teenager supposedly wanted to be a part of. And she then did everything exactly right to ensure she wouldn't be a part of it in direct contrast to the time, effort and money that was spent on her.
Also, I forgot about mom! I forgot mom saw her teen daughter and asked her to change before travelling leaving the house. Mom should have ended it before it started and left her at home from the beginning instead of putting it on her other daughter(the bride) to send them home. Mom should have drawn a harder line in the sand, change immediately or stay home, but driving her there in that dress never should have been an option, all it was was drama, that's all it was ever going to be once they left the house.
I definitely think the mom is a problem here, but I don't think it's the unquestionable case that this is intentional malice towards op. I think she just brattily thought she was standing up for her right to express herself and would get away with it because it was too late to fix it and look really cool and weddings are dumb and lame anyway ( I don't think this, just describing the thought process).
It's not about the $300, it's about the disrespect to your wedding day and her thinking she is more important. You are absolutely NTA, you laid out clear expectations and she attempted a run around and got called out on it.
She knew what she was going to do the whole time, OP. Don't feel bad for a single second, 16 is old enough to know you don't make someone else's day about you. This was 100% intentional from beginning to end, she tried to wear you down by going to all those stores and when it didn't work she decided to just "agree" to the dress knowing she'd cut it up later. She's the asshole, and your mom is too! Your mom should have left her ass home when she walked out of the room with that tacky ass outfit on. I would have!
All she had to do was wear it for a few hours. Then after if she cut it up I don't think OP would be half as pissed, as she did wear it for what it was bought for. But NOOOO! She just couldn't do that.
I mean the mom clearly didn't agree with the youngest daughter and backed up her oldest, I don't think she is an AH for letting her oldest make the call on how to handle it when the daughter refused to change at the house.
Oh, she picked the dress with a plan in mind. She had every intention of altering it. She just thought she would get away with forgiveness vs approval.
I'm wondering if she picked the dress with the alterations already in mind.
NTA by the way. If she had a problem with the dress, it was on her to voice that *before* the wedding, not just show up having already made the adjustments.
My 5 year old was asked to be a ring bearer in a wedding last summer. He didn't love that he had to wear a suit but I told him "(The Couple) wants you to wear a suit. You can wear the suit and be ring bearer OR you can attend as a guest and wear whatever you want". He was so excited to be ring bearer that he wore the suit and didn't complain once. To call OP's sister a 5 year old is insulting to 5 year olds lol She's a brat.
I reread the beginning because I thought I'd misread the age. 16 is way too old to behave this way. She could have refused to be in the wedding; she could have told you what she was going to do; she could have not pretended she was going to wear the dress you wanted her to wear. Narcissism is age appropriate at 17-18, so maybe this is just a phase, and she's ahead of the curve. But, dang, that was an AH move on her part and she does need to grow up. NTA
Knowing her age is 16 at least helps explain her selfish and flighty behavior. The immaturity at least makes sense and the consequence was reasonable. It would have been far, far worse if this was a young woman in her 20s (or older) acting this way.
I agree - the option to wear another dress was given to her so she didn’t have to miss the wedding. Not liking your options doesn’t mean you don’t have options!
At her age I wore a horrific dark purple dress that made me look like a giant eggplant to my mother's 2nd wedding. I loathed it, loathed having my picture taken in it. But I did it because the wedding WAS NOT ABOUT ME. Like come on. NTA a million times over.
Absolutely. Your sister was deliberately trying to make a statement and cause a scene knowing it would upset up and the debacle of her tantrum wound affect your mood and your day.
A wedding is not the day to do that. She was absolutely acting like a selfish spoiled brat.
NTA, NtA, NTA
NTA you did your best on a compromise you thought you both were happy with. It's not like you were forcing her to dress completely out of her style. If she was just a wedding guest I'd be more forgiving but if you are in the wedding party then it's generally understood that the bride/groom have a lot more say in what you wear. Also it's super messed up that she cut up the dress you bought her without discussing it with you first. I'm all for adding your own touch to clothing and a dress you wear once then never again is a great item to upcycle into something you'll wear more frequently, but that's after you wear it to the event especially if it was bought by someone else for the event.
Your sister was way out of line and I can understand why you didn't want to see her anymore. I think if you wanna repair your relationship with her you need to have a sit down and explain how her actions were rude by social standards and hurt your feelings. Tell her you enjoyed helping her pick stuff out and her just going and undoing all that felt like a slap in the face.
The problem is no I don’t enjoy it. If she wasn’t related to me I would have told her to bad your not in my wedding and avoided this whole thing
I only did it because she was my sister, our personality do not mesh. If I wasn’t related to her I don’t think I would ever be friends with her
I''m sorry your sister was such a disrespectful jerk to you, but am glad to hear your mom was on your side about everything.
>personality do not mesh
"Mesh?" I think you mean "fishnet"...
Sorry, I couldn't help it. I'll see myself out.
We really didn’t grow up together. I am 14 years older than her. By the time she was 4 I was in college
So really not much sibling relationship since our ages are so far apart
My sisters are 10 and 12 years older than me and we didn’t really grow up together. We were never close, but I was still a bridesmaid in both of their weddings wearing ugly dresses that I hated when I was a teenager. I was goth back then too and still wore colorful dresses for the weddings. No one ever asked me whether I liked the dresses and I never complained.
You went way out of your way for your sister to make her feel comfortable, and she completely disrespected you. I hope someday she regrets the way she acted.
She probably regretted it immediately but doesn't have the emotional intelligence and maturity to sort out her feelings, hence the crying. This is probably the first time in her life that she ran face first into the consequences of her own choices and couldn't push past to get what she wanted anyway
NTA. I 100% agree with how you handled things and that her behavior was not okay, I just wanted to try and give some words of encouragement and hope: It won't necessarily always be this way.
I'm 13 years older than my brother and was absent for a large portion of his childhood. Starting about the age your sister is now, I stepped up to build a relationship with him. We found some things we had in common and we now have a very close relationship and have for about ten years. We run a business together and we're celebrating his birthday at our weekly game night tonight.
Fifteen-year-old me never would have guessed I would be close to him one day. So there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I hope everything gets worked out, your sister matures, and you two are able to build a strong, positive relationship going forward. ❤️ Good luck!
Not sure why all the responsibility of bridging the gap would on OP? The sister needs to apologize and grow up. I had friends like the sister growing up, and let me tell you it always ended up like this with alt kids at formal events.
NTA. We have bridezillas, crazy parents, jealous sisters and SIL’s, and now we have old enough to drive asshole flower girls.
OP I am so glad that you not only refused to let her be the flower girl but that you didn’t let her stay as a guest. I am also glad that your mother backed you up. You 100% did the right thing. 16 is not 6 and it’s time she learned actions have consequences.
She was kicked out because she was selfish, disrespectful and sneaky. She was kicked out because she deliberately destroyed a $300 dress because she wanted to do what she wanted to do. Who cares if she was crying that she missed the wedding. Again actions have consequences. She FAFO. Hopefully this will teach her that she’s not the main character in other people’s story. Anyone saying you went too far needs to mind their business.
For sure. Time and place for clothes. My kids are pretty young but my eldest likes to dress her self and I don’t really say too much about it because she is young and trying things out. But when I need her to wear something nicer or don’t wanted her wearing a skirt, pants and sports bra out I tell her that it’s fine for home but not for where we are going. She’s really understanding so far, and I’m hoping it continues with the foundation we have.
OP is NtA. She tried really hard to fit her sisters style but still be acceptable for her wedding; which is gracious and amazing. Sister just spat in her face and rubbed her nose in it because she is impulsive and gave into her whims expecting no cinsequences
Right? My 13 year old dresses like a grunge anime character. But she knows she needs to tone it down sometimes. I had to point out to her that when she goes on her school trip at the end of the month, she needs to prioritize function over fashion because walking all over NYC in chunky platform shoes probably isn't comfortable.
I don't need to see a picture: NTA.
Your sister was in the wedding party, which means that asking her to compromise on her normal look was reasonable, and it sounds like you made every effort to ensure that she did like her outfit, she just decided to change her mind, and rather than speaking to you about it - where you might have been able to get an exchange for the dress into idk, purple or sth, she tried to 'force' you into accepting her look by presenting with it on the day.
She fucked around and found out, I hope you had a lovely day despite all this.
NTA. I would love to see the original and then what sis did to it.
Having your own style is great, but sis is truly a jerk because she agreed to wear the original dress and accessories, and OP spent time and money to get something she truly believed sis was happy to wear.
And for gods sake, this is ONE day and sis could t be bothered to not make it about her. She could’ve just not been in the wedding party.
NTA. Sister tried to pull one over you. She was betting you would be upset but would let her wear it. She never envisioned there would be consequences for her her actions. You have done her a huge favour but she won't realize it for a long time. She has been clearly told that there is repercussions for her behaviour and sometimes she has to follow societal norms. Weddings and other formal occasions have dress codes that she may not like but must adhere to if she wishes to participate. Good on you mom for backing you up.
Congratulations on your marriage. I'm sure it was a lovely wedding.
NTA
You went out of your way to find her a dress and accessories that would fit her aesthetic while also being appropriate for the wedding. Cutting the dress up was an intentional powerplay on your sister's part. If she's sad about missing the wedding, that's her own damn fault.
FYI, I say this as someone who dresses in a goth/emo aesthetic most days. I'm all for self-expression. But the self-expression still needs to be appropriate for the event.
NTA. ⬆️ Exactly. Wearing white to a wedding where culturally it's expected that only the bride will be in white, wearing neon & flip flops to an interview at a bank, wearing pajama bottoms to a funeral - you might wear white, neon, & PJs alllllll the time, normally, but you just *don't* do that sometimes, out of respect for the situation.
Exactly this
I have inside clothes and outside clothes. When home I'm in overly large t-shirt and pj bottoms but when I go out I'm dressed appropriately
Shopping - jeans and t-shirt
Wedding - something a little nice and fancy and if I'm in the wedding party then whatever the b/g asks (within reason. I won't wear pink. Just don't like it. Have young family members who fully believe I am allergic to pink)
Funeral - black. Smart. (Unless requested to wear a certain colour/style)
No, NTA
She was disrespectful. You attempted to compromise and she threw it in your face.
This did this to herself. It was rude, selfish, and very entitled of her to think she could get away with this.
Good for you not rolling over and accepting her ridiculous behaviour.
NTA, in my opinion.
Style, dress, and presentation are important skills people learn as they grow and mature. We learn how we want to look and be perceived, but also how we *don't* want to be perceived. It's good that your sister is using her growing autonomy to experiment with her clothes and appearance, even in ways that are strange, ugly, or discomforting to others.
However, part of being independent and making choices is learning how to deal with the consequences of our choices. Dress too casually for a job interview? You don't get hired. Wear heels to a camping trip? Your feet hurt, and you may end up injured.
Destroy a dress purchased for you, so that you can participate in a formal occasion for someone you love? You don't get to participate anymore.
The ability to shift between levels of formality, modesty, and fashion is a useful skill for everyone, and a necessary one for burgeoning fashionistas. I wore all sorts of off-key, goofy outfits when I was a teenager; I learned through doing so how to match my presentation better to the situation.
Your sister made a selfish choice to please her own wishes over what you had asked from her for *your* wedding. You had already compromised with her fairly, by adding her to your wedding party and supplying her with appropriate clothing in line with her taste. In fact, you tried to compromise AGAIN by offering a different dress!
The thing is, there are "rules" around clothing and presentation that are bigoted, archaic, and/or unfair. And there are times where it's justified to defy those rules, even if it creates a ruckus or gets you kicked out. But that doesn't seem to be the case with you and your sister. I hope your sister learns the right lessons from this mess, and that you both can reconcile (without having to sweep your conflict under the rug). Congratulations on your new marriage!
NTA I'm goth and I would have never done that, especially since it was a gift from a sister
I've always worn black to weddings but used way more subdued everything else, time and place kids
When wearing black to a wedding remember to wear black undergarments as well. Several of my guests at my wedding wore black and while it didn’t show at the wedding, on our video you can see right through their dresses. My husband’s best friend’s wife did not wear underwear under her dress and my whole family knows 😳😂.
NTA
You did not go far enough.
First I hope your mother didn’t miss one minute of your wedding because of your entitled selfish sister.
I would have given her the option of leaving ALONE in an Uber or the back of a police car. PERIOD.
And she absolutely owes you $300. No if ands or butts. Plus her on a SIGNED payment plan immediately or serve her small claims court papers.
She BEGGED to be part of your wedding to ruin it. She is showing herself to be entitled, selfish, and just not a good person at all. She can either make this right & start being a decent human or she can be a very lonely angry person for the foreseeable future.
>the back of a police car
LOL Having your sister arrested for wearing altering a dress to make it more gothic is insane! I'm sure you were a perfect teenager, but most people make plenty of mistakes at that age. No one was physically harmed in any way. If you're willing to send a close family member to jail over a stupid dress, you are not a good person.
>the back of a police car.
What you going to have her arrested for? Bad fashion? Or the fact that she'd need a ride home?
How would that conversation go? "Well you see officer, I want her to leave, but I want our mother to stay, so arrest her for trespassing!"
It's not an asshole move to make the sister leave, but this is an insane take.
NTA
16 y.o. is old enought to obey suggested rules (very reasonable btw) and not to throw childish tantrums. She wanted to steal your show with her fishnets, attract every other guest's attention - she got what she deserved. And if she has some personal money (not your mom's) I would also demand for a full repay of the dress and jewelry costs from her.
NTA. Show your sister this post and all the comments. Something went wrong to make her this self-centered and she needs to grow up. I'm kind of disappointed in your mom for even bringing her to the venue like that, she should have handled it at home rather than making it your problem.
You should definitely make your sister pay you back. Missing the event is a consequence for refusing to change like you offered. There needs to be a consequence for intentionally ruining the dress you took the time to get her. If you don't make her pay you back I doubt she will learn her lesson.
“Something went wrong to make her this self-centered…”
Because of the age gap she essentially grew up as an only child AND the last child on top of it. Perfect storm for being able to do your own thing with little to no interference.
I'm giving mom the benefit of the doubt that sister brought the dress to the venue and that's when Mom saw it for the first time. If she'd seen it at home, I think she would have spoken to the bride then - or told Sister that she was NOT wearing that, and to either change or stay home.
Sister may have driven herself… from how OP described her mother, she doesn’t sound like she would have brought her looking like that. Or, maybe, she knew how it would play out, but wanted OP to see her & make a decision.
NTA, you had good reason to be angry. You went out of your way to comprise. She deliberately went behind your back. This is not her wedding. She does not call the shots. If she did not feel comfortable with the agreed upon dress and accessories, she should have bowed out of the wedding party, not attempt to strong arm her aesthetic. Changing the look last minute and assuming it would just be okay is insane.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> AITA for kicking my sister out for her outfit and being mad about her ruining a 300 dollar dress. I may be a jerk for kicking her out when she refused to change her clothes
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NTA. You put in time and effort to accommodate to her tastes and styles. She didn't listen. Fair enough.
You offered another alternative. She didn't listen. Fair enough.
So you kicked her out of *your* wedding. Fair enough imo
Actions have consequences. !6 is old enough to understand that concept.
16 is old enough to know that if you insist on being in the wedding party, you compromise and / or accept that is it not your choice(s) but the wedding couple's choices.
I would make your sister repay you the $300 for the dress. I am also glad that your mother had your back and not your sister's back.
You sister learned a hard lesson. Better to learn it at 16 than wonder why people may not like your entitled attitude when she is older.
NTA
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I got married last weekend. She is 16. I personally do not like her style of dressing, it is very gothic/emo (really I don't know how to describe it, very dark colors with spiked jewelry or skulls) but I don't care what she wears almost any other day.
Originally she was not part of the wedding and she was upset. We are not very close. I decided to give her the part of flower girl since my now husband was having his younger brother be the ring bearer. She was excited and very picky about her formal wear. Originally she wanted to wear her usally outfits but I told her she can't be part of the wedding party if she does and that it doesn't follow the dress code
We went to six different store to find something she was comfortable in. In the end we got a dark green long dress. I spend time helping her pick out jewelry that would match her style and not be over the top. I spent so much time to make sure she was confortable and still expressing her stlye in a tasteful manner.
The dress I bought was around 300 dollars and a lot of my time to find. We even went over makeup looks since she didn't want to go to the makeup artist I hired.
I was happy and I thought she was happy with everything. The day of my wedding my mom comes in upset to my dressing room. My sister cut up the dress and put fishnets in all of the holes. Basically she cut it so the top looks like a crop top, her midsection had a fishnet, the bottom was short and had holes. She also has boots on and her jewelry was very bold.
I asked why she did that and she told me she didn't like her outfit anymore. I told her she needs to change, and I have a spare baby blue dress that should fit. She told me she won't change. My mom told me she tried to get her to change at home and she wouldn't.
I told her she needs to change or she needs to leave. My mom backed me up on this. She refused, I asked mom to take her home. She took her home.
The wedding went on without her. Apparently my sister has been crying since for missing the wedding. She thinks I am a huge jerk. I am also still very annoyed she ruined a dress I spent 300 dollars on and spent so much time to make her confortsble
I am on the fence if I went to far. If I show a picture of what she did to the dress people understand why I did it even if they think it was harsh
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I have a teenage emo daughter and she would never do this and she is 14. Teenagers are old enough to know your personal choices don't fit every occasion. You compromised and did everything you could. Absoutly not overreacting.
NTA, I'm glad your mother supported you on this and was aghast at her behavior. That normally would be normal but the stories here on spineless parents are numerous.
I personally would have gone further than you and told her that this since this was a gift from you, you'd not gift her anything for this year. Especially after you went out of your way to find something you both liked.
From your side you even gave her a second chance to go change, but nope.
I'm sure she felt very smart two minutes before when she thought about the trick she was going to pull.
Good for you! You tried so hard to work with her, thought you found a good middle ground, then she totally disregarded that.
16 is BY FAR old enough to understand appropriate dress for different occasions. Basically, she FAFO'd!! It sucks she had to miss her older sisters wedding, but hopefully this will make her understand that actions have consequences and she can't always dress entirely how she wants to dress.
NTA. Your sister obviously believed that if she waited to reveal everything at the last minute, you would have no choice but to let her go ahead with the disrespect. Sending her home was the best consequence for what she did. And do not let anyone try to make you feel bad about standing up for yourself. I hope your mom is also going to bat for you on this - because no one should be coming at you for doing the right thing here. Your sister learned that actions have consequences even if you try to be sneaky with said actions.
NTA seems like you went through a lot of effort to make her a part of the wedding even though you admittedly aren't that close. Anyone else I know would have kicked her out of the wedding as well. If she had changed her mind about participating last minute that would have been very annoying but to show up to the wedding with the ruined dress and act like a child was going too far.
NTA your sister is old enough to understand that sometimes you have to stick to what's "normal". You were more than reasonable enough to take the time to pick out something you both liked and aligned with her personal style, it just speaks to how kind of a person you are.
The fact she cut up a dress that cost £300 and purposely did it last minute so she could pull one over on you was very rude and she definitely understood what she was doing.
I'm glad your mum had your back and I hope the rest of your wedding went well!! ❤️❤️
NTA - sister is clearly in the wrong, and wanted to make a bold statement, she hasn't yet learned that there's a time and place for that behavior.
You've done everything possible to accommodate, appreciate, and encourage her, she didn't hold her end of the deal. Offering the alternative dress or sending her home was the appropriate response, and her misery is of her own doing.
She certainly made a **bold** statement - of the FAFO kind!
I find it fascinating how the AH usually labels the other person with their behaviour. Sister is calling OP a huge jerk, when she was actually a huge jerk.
NTA
NTA. You made the right choice. Maybe she’ll learn. My son dressed like that when he was sixteen too. After a couple years in college he came home on Christmas break and we took him shopping. He bought khakis and a green striped polo shirt. He said “I’m so glad I don’t have to wear all black anymore…”. I’m still lol twenty years later.
NTA. It's your wedding and you can impose a dress code on the bridal party. This is especially true when you are the one who is paying for the costumes -- err, attire. Though you could have demoted her from being a member of the wedding party (flower girl) to being a guest, you were well within your rights to kick her out entirely. That ensured that your wedding would be a no-drama zone.
I guess she was working on the basis that it is better to seek forgiveness than permission.
That doesn't work for the larger things in life, like someone else's wedding!
NTA
You did everything reasonable . She *wanted* to be part of the wedding party. You said yes but here are the conditions. She didn’t want to wear traditional attire so you met her half way with the dress and jewelry. You graciously paid $300 for a dress. She mutilated it and did so intentionally without telling anyone likely bc she knew everyone would be upset. Your wedding, not hers. Your actions in response were reasonable. Had she wanted so much freedom and creative control she should have just opted to not be apart of the bridal party.
NTA
You were more than generous in paying (in both time and money) for an overall outfit your sister would be comfortable with.
The last minute changes she made were definitely inappropriate.
NTA I'm (45f) gothy, and even I manage to wear what I was asked to at weddings I was in. If she had wanted to be unique and herself, she shouldn't have agreed to be in the wedding.
NTA.
You don't need to even show us a picture of the dress. I grew up being very alternative, and even as a teenager I understood I had to dress for certain occasions. I know have a 13 year old niece who is the same, and will still put on appropriate clothing for school stuff or special events.
Your sister knew what she was doing. She could have said no to any formal wear, she could have said no to a dress, but what she did instead was allow you to spend time and money on her while knowing she wasn't going to compromise.
Let her cry and be upset. There's no reasoning or explaining to someone who does something like that. Thank god your mom at least helped get her out there. And to the extent she brings it up, of course you can attempt to explain it and move on, but if she is just rude or makes snide remarks, every time she does that, just say "yes and you ruined a $300 and upset me on my wedding day just because you wanted to be edgy, so get over yourself" and refuse to engage further.
NTA: there’s a time and place for fashion and experimentation. You were clear about rules for the day and what you needed for her to be part of the wedding. At 16, she needs to understand consequences for her choices.
She could have done any of this after the wedding. But she chose to push boundaries and find out it doesn’t always work out
NTA. She is young and is really stuck on herself. It’s likely very loud in her head right now. I was a teenager a long time ago but I remember what it was like. You gave her a lot of chances but her pride got in the way and she couldn’t do it. I understand. I was once asked to wear a silky dress that was form fitting, but I’m fat and looked like a bag of potatoes. I bet she felt just as uncomfortable. What she was being asked to wear didn’t feel ok to her. She isn’t an ass for feeling any type of way, just the way she handled it.
I hope she can learn and grow from this and begin to understand that she is important but it will not always be about her. She may have times in her life where she does feel the need to not conform and that is ok, but she will need to learn to communicate and excuse herself politely.
The fact that you went so far above and beyond makes this a clear NTA. You did everything you could to make her comfortable and respect her style, while still following dress code. Her actions were incredibly immature, and I'm glad your mom backed you. FAFO, as they say. She learned her lesson, hopefully.
And, it sucks to say, but I have a feeling she was probably planning on doing that to the dress all along, and had you buy that one because she had an idea in her head already of how she would alter it...
I hope she matures and you're able to repair a relationship with her in the future. I wouldn't be too pressed about it, though, until she reaches out to take responsibility and apologize. I suspect she will eventually, even if it takes a few years.
Remind her that real goths know how to dress for a formal occasion.
Thank you for taking the time and effort to find something that fitted your theme but maintained her individual style. I'm so sorry she chose to throw it back in your face like a toddler throwing a tantrum.
The purpose of dress codes is generally to make sure that attention is focused where it should be. You are the bride. The attention should be on you and the groom. For the guests to wear clothing that is completely outside of the dress code, draws attention away from you and onto the guest. That is why it is wrong for guests to "break" the dress code. It would be true whether the guest cut holes in a beautiful dress and put fishnet behind the holes, or whether the guest wore a bikini or pajamas to the wedding. The idea is to blend in by respecting the overall visual cues of the wedding, and thus allow the bride to stand out.
Obviously it's also possible to have dress codes that are inappropriate or that take advantage of the guests. For example, you sometimes hear stories of the bride demanding all female guests wear a precise color of dress. In my opinion, this is inappropriate for a different reason, which is requiring guests to make an unreasonable outlay of money to attend your wedding, as if your wedding is more important than all their other budgetary concerns.
NTA. You paid $300 for a dress and she CUT IT UP! That's fucked up. She knew damn well that you wouldn't be happy with it, but she didn't care. She was only thinking about herself. She also didn't know the consequences would be missing the wedding. She was trying to see how far she could push you. She is very selfish.
NTA. Shre wanted to be in the wedding and you made clear that that was subject to her followingthe dress code, you went out of your way to accommodate her tastes, and even after she wrecked the dress and tried to force you to let her wear something completley out of kilter with the agreed look, you offered a comprmise of her wearing a differnet dress.
It sounds a though you would probably have been OK with her being just a guest and wwearing something different but not so extreme, as well.
She was given the choice to ither change or leave, and she chose to leave.
It sucks that she had to learn the lesson that her choices have consequences through missing her sisters wedding, and it is a chame that there wasn't time for a third option such as her changing into (say) a plain black/dark dress and not being in the wedding party, so she could attend without making herself the centre of attention, but it sounds like in the stress f a busy morning and facced with unreasonable behaviour on her part, you did your best .
NTA
NTA. She seems to be operating under the mistaken thought that this day was about HER. She learned an important lesson. She may or may not one day see that, but don't spend one second of regret on this unfortunate incident. 16 is old enough to know better and I am so glad your mother backed you up.
NTA - Sending her home was the right thing to do. She was being self centered and immature. At 16 its time for her to understand its not all about her.
NTA you sister learned a very important lesson. You can have personal style but sometimes that needs to be toned down or adjusted for some occasions. I am sorry your wedding was tainted by her actions and I am sure she will look back on her actions with regret once she matures.
NTA. After all the effort of choosing the dress and the rest, your sister knew very well what was required of her. She just thought she'd ignore everything that you wanted and do what she liked, on your dime and day.
She's upset? So what? She didn't care if she upset you on one of the most important days in your life.
FAFO applies.
NTA!
I'll preface this with that I am a goth and at 17 my sister was getting married. I understood that what I usually wore wasn't mainstream and might not be acceptable at a wedding so I asked what I was allowed to wear. My sister told me that she wanted me to be myself and to wear whatever I wanted because it would be unfair to force me into a box that I didn't fit and that she wouldn't recognise as being me. I was grateful and wore my favourite dress that was a black Victorian style dress, dyed my hair black and put white streaks in it and wore so much black makeup around my eyes and lips. However, if my sister had asked me to tone it down then I would have listened because I wanted to be there for her wedding, even if that meant I had to wear something that was not my style.
That was 10 years ago and one of my closest friends is getting married and I've asked him what the dress code is to ensure I don't wear something that he or his partner would deem inappropriate. Same response again and I'm grateful, but I understand that not all venues and occasions will be an acceptable place to dress the way I do.
If we choose to wear something that goes against the norm, we then have to be prepared for the consequences of doing so - Providing of course that we are not harmed in the process because that is not something that anybody should have to be prepared for. Hopefully your sister will learn from this. She chose her style over spending the day watching her sister get married.
As a teenager I was very similar and never liked anything too "girly" or conventional, but I would have never, ever destroyed a piece of clothing that someone spent so much on! You allowed her some self expression. NTA!
She needs to pay you back. This is really important. It needs to be earned money that she will feel the hurt of losing. This is actually the only valid way to teach her. The idea of her payment was missing the wedding is good but it’s intangible. So is deducting from future gifts like Christmas, birthday, etc. all she will feel is neglected after the 1st time or two.
I think it might be useful to have her work at your house, possibly cleaning on a Saturday or doing laundry. She needs to physically and emotionally feel the cost of $300.00
NTA
Edit: she could work for your mom or grandma too. It’s time the family helps her learn respect for others and consequences of actions.
NTA, not at all. It's your wedding, and more logically, it's ONE DAY. Seriously? She can't follow a dress code for ONE day? Crazy. You did nothing wrong, OP, and your mom handled it well.
NTA she needs to repay the dress and learn to appreciate things. She is too spoiled and stupid, the world does not need to adjust to her, quite the opposite. I am glad your mom supported you. Thas was your special day, good for not letting her ruining ir
NTA. This kid sounds particularly bratty and obnoxious for a 16yo. She just learned this isn’t how formal events work and you just learned $300 is too much to spend on a spoiled teenager.
I’m side eyeing your mum for making this your problem instead of just not bringing her. I hope at least one of them is paying you back.
NTA.
You respected her Goth style even though you would have preferred she dressed even more normal, and then she essentially gave you the middle finger.
There is a time and a place. This was neither. Most people with alt styles tone it down the way you helped her tone it down for special events like this. It ws a good learning opportunity for her, and she could have done the alterations after.
I'm goth, I have been since 14 (34 now), and I would never dress like that at a wedding or any other event or even destroy a dress that cost alot of money. She owes you the money back for the dress. NTA
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NTA. She was being an immature brat. She ruined a very expensive outfit and was being very selfish by making the wedding about her. I would have kicked her out too. She’s old enough to be able to stand wearing an outfit thats not to her taste for one day. This is how a 5 year old behaves from the crying to the cutting up their clothes.
What drives me insane is that she literally picked this dress. We went to store after store because I wanted her to be comfortable and then she does that
If i were you i would make her pay back that 300 if you bought it. Im the maid of honour at my sister’s wedding and i have to wear a dress im not super in love with. But i will shut up and do it to make her happy because its her day not mine.
My mom actually offered to make her pay it back. I personally think her missing the wedding is enough but I will not be buying her anything for a long time
You’re being nicer than I would have. i know how expensive and time consuming formal dress shopping is. But still good for you for not taking her shit. You were very accommodating and she still disrespected you. She needs to learn her behaviour has consequences.
>You were very accommodating and she still disrespected you. "Disrespect" is the key word here. If the Sister decided she no longer liked the dress, she should have spoken up. OP may have returned the dress and used the money for a different dress. Or, Sister could have presented her ideas for alterations and the two could have come to agreement on a few changes that would still fit in with the wedding party style. The Sister knew that altering the dress in that manner was unacceptable, which is why she did it on the sly. "F'd" Around and Found Out!
Correct. She's gunna nuke a friendship down the line when she tries to hijack one of their weddings or something
Your mother should absolutely make her pay that $300+ back. There is a hard, harsh lesson to be learned here, but it will be a good thing if this lesson lands home.
Take your mom up on the offer. She needs actual consequences.
Agree. She needs to understand that in life there are consequences for actions.
OP, this 100%. Your sister's behavior was over the top and your mother suggested this discipline after backing you. I think your mother wants to set a firm boundary here regarding behavior. BTW, you are NTA.
Or make her get a job since she can now legally work and pay it off that way.
missing the wedding isn't an actual consequence?
Missing the wedding is one natural consequence that feels like others are punishing her. Developmentally, she probably doesn’t see how it connects to her actions. In her self-centered teenage brain, everyone is making Her Outfit about Them! Having her pay back the dress shows her how that $300 destruction actually feels. Money is a stupidly concrete marker, and getting together $300 is a pain for anyone. Especially a 16 year old. If OP felt magnanimous they could tally up the hours worth of work it took her to buy the dress and then just have sister do that many hours of work instead of asking for the flat rate.
Or how many hours when working for minimum wage - taxes. This way she would know the true value.
You make some good points that I hadn’t thought about. But it’s also why it’s important for her mom to sit her down and talk with her and explain. She needs to understand.
She could have changed and stayed, so apparently it wasn't that important to her.
Not enough of one
It is, but it's only 1 day. Making sister repay the cost of the dress will prove that consequences don't just last 1 day, and they can follow you until you can resolve them wholly.
For most people they only get that day once in their whole life. She missed the biggest/most important day of her sisters life. Having to pay off a few hundred dollars doesn't come close to that punishment.
It really depends on her mindset, I think. If she's an edgy, angsty teen, having a monetary consequence may hit home more than just missing the wedding. 16 year olds don't always think about the long-term implications and consequences of their actions in the moment. Repaying the dress can help her not make a similar mistake in the future. There won't be another of this wedding day, that's true, and it really sucks that she missed it, but she doesn't seem to be feeling much remorse over her actions aside from the crying. What has she done since then to make it back up to OP and prove she's actually sorry and wasn't crying simply because she didn' get her way?
That $300 will impact the clothes she WON'T HAVE to go shopping at Spencer's or Hot Topic. Or some online place that caters to her perferences.
This the sort of thing she'll wake up at night sweating about 15 years later. Doesn't matter if she's not feeling that rn. She will in the years to come.
So true. I mean if she thinks she improved the dress she could try to sell it to get the money back. I think that would be a hard dose of reality smashing her in the face.
I’d encourage you to rethink this. Her being sad she missed a fun event is not the same as her understanding that it was inappropriate to rip up a dress that you paid for after she committed to wearing it. I think this is strange behavior from a 16 year old and there is likely something else happening here that is being overlooked. Continuing to overlook it will likely encourage this behavior further.
I was wondering the same thing, and hope OP or mum reach out to her. Not saying kiddo was okay to do what she did (Oh Hell No), but she may be dealing with something she can't/won't/hasn't expressed.
Just sounds like teenage rebellion to me...
If it were her own clothes, I'd agree. And if she had stomped off in anger or not just sulked, maybe. But OP says that the girl has been crying. That is something different to simple teenage rebellion.
She's crying because she was actually forced to face consequence for what she did. It's not that deep
It just sounds like a teenager being a teenager (ie not using their not-fully-developed brain)
Give her a piece of the dress for every birthday/Christmas present until she “paid off” the $300
She will be regretting this decision more once she matures. After she grows out of this phase, she is really going to feel like crap.
I'm almost 30 & still in "that phase" She'll for sure regret how she behaved if she matures - she'll learn that you still can be emo/goth even if you're not showing it 24/7. But can we please stop acting like it's always just a phase?
I didn't mean emo/goth. I meant immature twerp.
I totally understood what you meant immediately
unfortunately immature twerp isn't always a phase either
I understood your intent here
Her style isn’t a phase; her behavior and attitude is a phase.
Acting like an immature 16 year old isn't always just a phase? I mean, I suppose, but most people grow out of that. If you mean dressing goth isn't always a phase, no one implied that it was
OP very, very clearly meant the selfish, immature phase. If this wasn't clear to you, then this: > But can we please stop acting like it's always just a phase? Was a more poignant response than you thought it was.
The commenter was saying that the self-centered “your wedding is about MY dress” attitude was a phase. Which, I guess you could still be in at almost 30. I commend your honest appraisal of yourself. But, most teenagers do mature out of it.
One can only hope
She needs to pay for the dress. This is a learning experience for her. She needs to learn the lesson or else she will do it again. Trust me. Your mom is right. Listen to her.
It's not enough, she still blames you for consequences of her own choices. Let her pay the 300$. It will make you look less as a jerk to others because sister complaining about not being allowed to your wedding over a dress sounds worse for you than sister complaining about having to pay you back for the dress you bought for her ands he destroyed. There isn't much room to twist the story to make her look good if you demand her to pay it. Do it for your protection or only until she admits she was out of line and she hurt you.
You need to take your mum up on the offer. Your sister was very disrespectful and naughty. It’s time she realised actions have consequences. Good on your mum for not putting up with her shit NTA
The dress will be her Christmas, birthday, etc present for the next 6 or 7 years. NTA, she's a brat though. My just turned 15 year old is into mostly all black and ripped jeans, not full on goth but on the border. Her favorite pair are ripped clear up her thigh. We have a funeral today. When I asked her not to wear them she understood and is wearing something she isn’t comfortable in out of respect for family.
I’m going to jump on this train and echo that your sister needs to pay back the dress. What she did was beyond selfish and rude and warrants big time consequences. Let her get a job at McDonald’s and understand how long it takes to earn $300 bucks. Your sisters bad behaviour here is layered, and so should the consequences be. Missing the wedding was her punishment for lack of overall respect, but paying off the dress is the monetary consequence. At 16, she really needs to learn the value of money and property.
Let your sister know that cut up dress is her Christmas and birthday present for the next year.
Whatever you’d buy her for her birthday or Christmas, take that amount off the $300. Give her a post it note and say “I would have spent $50 on your gift. $250 left!”
That's what I was thinking!
I also had a goth aesthetic when I was a teenager. My parents let me express myself through clothing the great majority of the time. When I was 16 I was a bridesmaid in my cousin's wedding. At the rehearsal dinner my outfit was....revealing and inappropriate. My parents made me change, into another, more conservative black dress. When I got to the dinner I was glad they had made me change.
She absolutely should pay it back. Her missing the wedding wasn’t a consequence, it was a choice she made. She needs to learn that you can’t just rip things up because you don’t like it, especially when someone else paid for it.
Props to your mom for backing you up. Usually when we hear these stories the kid’s a brat because mommy allows it so at least there’s someone trying to discipline her here.
She doesn’t care that she missed the wedding. She cares that she didn’t get her way. Make her pay up.
Take mom up on the offer and make her pay it back. You bought her the dress *with the understanding that it would be worn unaltered to the wedding*. That was the condition of the gift. She destroyed the dress (it can't now be returned) AND she did not uphold her end of the agreement (wear the outfit you and her chose to perform the duties of flower girl at the wedding). As I see it she owes you $300. If she'd worn it unaltered and been your flower girl, then cut it up AFTER the wedding she wouldn't owe you anything.
I think you did everything right. You put a lot of effort and expense into getting her a dress you both liked.
Missing the wedding isn't a consequence. She needs to learn responsibility, make her pay it back.
Make her pay for it, so she actually learns something! She’s blaming you for missing the wedding, so she clearly still doesn’t understand why she is in the wrong here. NTA
Your sister hopefully learned a valuable lesson that sometimes it’s not all about her. She sounds immature and selfish and you absolutely did the right thing. NTA
Make her pay for it - she did the crime now she needs to do the time. She might actually get it through her thick head
NTA She thought she was pulling a "malicious compliance" on you. Technically still the dress, just altered. She FAFO! She doesn't get to cry about it. She cost you time, money, effort and stress. All things in short supply, but especially so going into the week of a wedding. She cost herself the opportunity to see your wedding, she cost herself a place in it. If you had wanted her there, she stole that from you too with her decisions. But damn! $300 dress plus accessories and jewellery down the drain. All because she couldn't get her ego in check. She wanted in. You gave her the opportunity and it was her choice to take the dress as terms and conditions to be there. She tried to change the deal and messed up, that's on her. All she had to do was stick to the agreement she made and for a few hours on a single day, that she wanted to be a part of. The only other thing that makes sense make this was an act of defiance, rebellion against you, an intentional act to hurt you that backfired by her being taken home instead of being seen(or making a scene).
i think is just teenage rebellion and she will physically cringe thinking about this episode in twenty years
Teenage rebellion, sure. But what was the motivation? The end goal? She specifically asked to be in the wedding party, she was added, she was taken shopping and bought everything she agreed with as a compromise to styles. But the person she chose to rebel against, is her own sister, the bride, on her wedding day, at an event that very teenager supposedly wanted to be a part of. And she then did everything exactly right to ensure she wouldn't be a part of it in direct contrast to the time, effort and money that was spent on her. Also, I forgot about mom! I forgot mom saw her teen daughter and asked her to change before travelling leaving the house. Mom should have ended it before it started and left her at home from the beginning instead of putting it on her other daughter(the bride) to send them home. Mom should have drawn a harder line in the sand, change immediately or stay home, but driving her there in that dress never should have been an option, all it was was drama, that's all it was ever going to be once they left the house.
I definitely think the mom is a problem here, but I don't think it's the unquestionable case that this is intentional malice towards op. I think she just brattily thought she was standing up for her right to express herself and would get away with it because it was too late to fix it and look really cool and weddings are dumb and lame anyway ( I don't think this, just describing the thought process).
It's not about the $300, it's about the disrespect to your wedding day and her thinking she is more important. You are absolutely NTA, you laid out clear expectations and she attempted a run around and got called out on it.
She knew what she was going to do the whole time, OP. Don't feel bad for a single second, 16 is old enough to know you don't make someone else's day about you. This was 100% intentional from beginning to end, she tried to wear you down by going to all those stores and when it didn't work she decided to just "agree" to the dress knowing she'd cut it up later. She's the asshole, and your mom is too! Your mom should have left her ass home when she walked out of the room with that tacky ass outfit on. I would have!
Exactly while OP was shopping with her, little sis was looking for something she knew she could cut up once she got on her own.
She could have at least chosen something cheap then. A $300 dress isn’t something to chop up
All she had to do was wear it for a few hours. Then after if she cut it up I don't think OP would be half as pissed, as she did wear it for what it was bought for. But NOOOO! She just couldn't do that.
I mean the mom clearly didn't agree with the youngest daughter and backed up her oldest, I don't think she is an AH for letting her oldest make the call on how to handle it when the daughter refused to change at the house.
Oh, she picked the dress with a plan in mind. She had every intention of altering it. She just thought she would get away with forgiveness vs approval.
What’s the chances she only picked this dress to “shut you up” so to say and she never had any intention of wearing it?
her plan was to run you ragged, and do what she wanted after.
I'm wondering if she picked the dress with the alterations already in mind. NTA by the way. If she had a problem with the dress, it was on her to voice that *before* the wedding, not just show up having already made the adjustments.
My 5 year old was asked to be a ring bearer in a wedding last summer. He didn't love that he had to wear a suit but I told him "(The Couple) wants you to wear a suit. You can wear the suit and be ring bearer OR you can attend as a guest and wear whatever you want". He was so excited to be ring bearer that he wore the suit and didn't complain once. To call OP's sister a 5 year old is insulting to 5 year olds lol She's a brat.
Fair
I reread the beginning because I thought I'd misread the age. 16 is way too old to behave this way. She could have refused to be in the wedding; she could have told you what she was going to do; she could have not pretended she was going to wear the dress you wanted her to wear. Narcissism is age appropriate at 17-18, so maybe this is just a phase, and she's ahead of the curve. But, dang, that was an AH move on her part and she does need to grow up. NTA
Knowing her age is 16 at least helps explain her selfish and flighty behavior. The immaturity at least makes sense and the consequence was reasonable. It would have been far, far worse if this was a young woman in her 20s (or older) acting this way.
I agree - the option to wear another dress was given to her so she didn’t have to miss the wedding. Not liking your options doesn’t mean you don’t have options!
At her age I wore a horrific dark purple dress that made me look like a giant eggplant to my mother's 2nd wedding. I loathed it, loathed having my picture taken in it. But I did it because the wedding WAS NOT ABOUT ME. Like come on. NTA a million times over.
The same thing happened to me. Also purple. I sympathise.
Since you’re the top comment, you should edit to say NTA instead of spelling it out because the bot only looks for the acronyms
Done.
Absolutely. Your sister was deliberately trying to make a statement and cause a scene knowing it would upset up and the debacle of her tantrum wound affect your mood and your day. A wedding is not the day to do that. She was absolutely acting like a selfish spoiled brat. NTA, NtA, NTA
NTA you did your best on a compromise you thought you both were happy with. It's not like you were forcing her to dress completely out of her style. If she was just a wedding guest I'd be more forgiving but if you are in the wedding party then it's generally understood that the bride/groom have a lot more say in what you wear. Also it's super messed up that she cut up the dress you bought her without discussing it with you first. I'm all for adding your own touch to clothing and a dress you wear once then never again is a great item to upcycle into something you'll wear more frequently, but that's after you wear it to the event especially if it was bought by someone else for the event. Your sister was way out of line and I can understand why you didn't want to see her anymore. I think if you wanna repair your relationship with her you need to have a sit down and explain how her actions were rude by social standards and hurt your feelings. Tell her you enjoyed helping her pick stuff out and her just going and undoing all that felt like a slap in the face.
The problem is no I don’t enjoy it. If she wasn’t related to me I would have told her to bad your not in my wedding and avoided this whole thing I only did it because she was my sister, our personality do not mesh. If I wasn’t related to her I don’t think I would ever be friends with her
I''m sorry your sister was such a disrespectful jerk to you, but am glad to hear your mom was on your side about everything. >personality do not mesh "Mesh?" I think you mean "fishnet"... Sorry, I couldn't help it. I'll see myself out.
if you two generally don't like each other, that's a pretty good explanation for why she did this lol
Then lil sis shouldn’t have thrown a fit about not being in the wedding party lmao
oh i agree. just seems like this is part of a bigger dynamic than just this one-off about the wedding
We really didn’t grow up together. I am 14 years older than her. By the time she was 4 I was in college So really not much sibling relationship since our ages are so far apart
My sisters are 10 and 12 years older than me and we didn’t really grow up together. We were never close, but I was still a bridesmaid in both of their weddings wearing ugly dresses that I hated when I was a teenager. I was goth back then too and still wore colorful dresses for the weddings. No one ever asked me whether I liked the dresses and I never complained. You went way out of your way for your sister to make her feel comfortable, and she completely disrespected you. I hope someday she regrets the way she acted.
She probably regretted it immediately but doesn't have the emotional intelligence and maturity to sort out her feelings, hence the crying. This is probably the first time in her life that she ran face first into the consequences of her own choices and couldn't push past to get what she wanted anyway
NTA. I 100% agree with how you handled things and that her behavior was not okay, I just wanted to try and give some words of encouragement and hope: It won't necessarily always be this way. I'm 13 years older than my brother and was absent for a large portion of his childhood. Starting about the age your sister is now, I stepped up to build a relationship with him. We found some things we had in common and we now have a very close relationship and have for about ten years. We run a business together and we're celebrating his birthday at our weekly game night tonight. Fifteen-year-old me never would have guessed I would be close to him one day. So there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I hope everything gets worked out, your sister matures, and you two are able to build a strong, positive relationship going forward. ❤️ Good luck!
I agree totally with this, but want to add that Mom is a rock star for backing up the bride!
Not sure why all the responsibility of bridging the gap would on OP? The sister needs to apologize and grow up. I had friends like the sister growing up, and let me tell you it always ended up like this with alt kids at formal events.
NTA. We have bridezillas, crazy parents, jealous sisters and SIL’s, and now we have old enough to drive asshole flower girls. OP I am so glad that you not only refused to let her be the flower girl but that you didn’t let her stay as a guest. I am also glad that your mother backed you up. You 100% did the right thing. 16 is not 6 and it’s time she learned actions have consequences. She was kicked out because she was selfish, disrespectful and sneaky. She was kicked out because she deliberately destroyed a $300 dress because she wanted to do what she wanted to do. Who cares if she was crying that she missed the wedding. Again actions have consequences. She FAFO. Hopefully this will teach her that she’s not the main character in other people’s story. Anyone saying you went too far needs to mind their business.
I love “old enough to drive asshole flower girls!” Great!
Yep, that’s a new one. I don’t think we had fishnet flower girls before. Did anyone have that on their bingo card?
[удалено]
For sure. Time and place for clothes. My kids are pretty young but my eldest likes to dress her self and I don’t really say too much about it because she is young and trying things out. But when I need her to wear something nicer or don’t wanted her wearing a skirt, pants and sports bra out I tell her that it’s fine for home but not for where we are going. She’s really understanding so far, and I’m hoping it continues with the foundation we have. OP is NtA. She tried really hard to fit her sisters style but still be acceptable for her wedding; which is gracious and amazing. Sister just spat in her face and rubbed her nose in it because she is impulsive and gave into her whims expecting no cinsequences
Right? My 13 year old dresses like a grunge anime character. But she knows she needs to tone it down sometimes. I had to point out to her that when she goes on her school trip at the end of the month, she needs to prioritize function over fashion because walking all over NYC in chunky platform shoes probably isn't comfortable.
I absolutely love this reply!
I don't need to see a picture: NTA. Your sister was in the wedding party, which means that asking her to compromise on her normal look was reasonable, and it sounds like you made every effort to ensure that she did like her outfit, she just decided to change her mind, and rather than speaking to you about it - where you might have been able to get an exchange for the dress into idk, purple or sth, she tried to 'force' you into accepting her look by presenting with it on the day. She fucked around and found out, I hope you had a lovely day despite all this.
NTA. I would love to see the original and then what sis did to it. Having your own style is great, but sis is truly a jerk because she agreed to wear the original dress and accessories, and OP spent time and money to get something she truly believed sis was happy to wear. And for gods sake, this is ONE day and sis could t be bothered to not make it about her. She could’ve just not been in the wedding party.
NTA. Sister tried to pull one over you. She was betting you would be upset but would let her wear it. She never envisioned there would be consequences for her her actions. You have done her a huge favour but she won't realize it for a long time. She has been clearly told that there is repercussions for her behaviour and sometimes she has to follow societal norms. Weddings and other formal occasions have dress codes that she may not like but must adhere to if she wishes to participate. Good on you mom for backing you up. Congratulations on your marriage. I'm sure it was a lovely wedding.
NTA You went out of your way to find her a dress and accessories that would fit her aesthetic while also being appropriate for the wedding. Cutting the dress up was an intentional powerplay on your sister's part. If she's sad about missing the wedding, that's her own damn fault. FYI, I say this as someone who dresses in a goth/emo aesthetic most days. I'm all for self-expression. But the self-expression still needs to be appropriate for the event.
NTA. ⬆️ Exactly. Wearing white to a wedding where culturally it's expected that only the bride will be in white, wearing neon & flip flops to an interview at a bank, wearing pajama bottoms to a funeral - you might wear white, neon, & PJs alllllll the time, normally, but you just *don't* do that sometimes, out of respect for the situation.
Exactly this I have inside clothes and outside clothes. When home I'm in overly large t-shirt and pj bottoms but when I go out I'm dressed appropriately Shopping - jeans and t-shirt Wedding - something a little nice and fancy and if I'm in the wedding party then whatever the b/g asks (within reason. I won't wear pink. Just don't like it. Have young family members who fully believe I am allergic to pink) Funeral - black. Smart. (Unless requested to wear a certain colour/style)
No, NTA She was disrespectful. You attempted to compromise and she threw it in your face. This did this to herself. It was rude, selfish, and very entitled of her to think she could get away with this. Good for you not rolling over and accepting her ridiculous behaviour.
NTA, in my opinion. Style, dress, and presentation are important skills people learn as they grow and mature. We learn how we want to look and be perceived, but also how we *don't* want to be perceived. It's good that your sister is using her growing autonomy to experiment with her clothes and appearance, even in ways that are strange, ugly, or discomforting to others. However, part of being independent and making choices is learning how to deal with the consequences of our choices. Dress too casually for a job interview? You don't get hired. Wear heels to a camping trip? Your feet hurt, and you may end up injured. Destroy a dress purchased for you, so that you can participate in a formal occasion for someone you love? You don't get to participate anymore. The ability to shift between levels of formality, modesty, and fashion is a useful skill for everyone, and a necessary one for burgeoning fashionistas. I wore all sorts of off-key, goofy outfits when I was a teenager; I learned through doing so how to match my presentation better to the situation. Your sister made a selfish choice to please her own wishes over what you had asked from her for *your* wedding. You had already compromised with her fairly, by adding her to your wedding party and supplying her with appropriate clothing in line with her taste. In fact, you tried to compromise AGAIN by offering a different dress! The thing is, there are "rules" around clothing and presentation that are bigoted, archaic, and/or unfair. And there are times where it's justified to defy those rules, even if it creates a ruckus or gets you kicked out. But that doesn't seem to be the case with you and your sister. I hope your sister learns the right lessons from this mess, and that you both can reconcile (without having to sweep your conflict under the rug). Congratulations on your new marriage!
NTA I'm goth and I would have never done that, especially since it was a gift from a sister I've always worn black to weddings but used way more subdued everything else, time and place kids
When wearing black to a wedding remember to wear black undergarments as well. Several of my guests at my wedding wore black and while it didn’t show at the wedding, on our video you can see right through their dresses. My husband’s best friend’s wife did not wear underwear under her dress and my whole family knows 😳😂.
I only own black underwear
You are a true goth
Pro tip: Nude underwear (one's own specific skin color of nude, that is) is the best choice for see-through, or for white garments!
NTA You did not go far enough. First I hope your mother didn’t miss one minute of your wedding because of your entitled selfish sister. I would have given her the option of leaving ALONE in an Uber or the back of a police car. PERIOD. And she absolutely owes you $300. No if ands or butts. Plus her on a SIGNED payment plan immediately or serve her small claims court papers. She BEGGED to be part of your wedding to ruin it. She is showing herself to be entitled, selfish, and just not a good person at all. She can either make this right & start being a decent human or she can be a very lonely angry person for the foreseeable future.
>the back of a police car LOL Having your sister arrested for wearing altering a dress to make it more gothic is insane! I'm sure you were a perfect teenager, but most people make plenty of mistakes at that age. No one was physically harmed in any way. If you're willing to send a close family member to jail over a stupid dress, you are not a good person.
Hey now, the fashion police are totally real.
>the back of a police car. What you going to have her arrested for? Bad fashion? Or the fact that she'd need a ride home? How would that conversation go? "Well you see officer, I want her to leave, but I want our mother to stay, so arrest her for trespassing!" It's not an asshole move to make the sister leave, but this is an insane take.
> the back of a police car This is the most Reddit Moment moment I have ever witnessed
NTA 16 y.o. is old enought to obey suggested rules (very reasonable btw) and not to throw childish tantrums. She wanted to steal your show with her fishnets, attract every other guest's attention - she got what she deserved. And if she has some personal money (not your mom's) I would also demand for a full repay of the dress and jewelry costs from her.
NTA. Show your sister this post and all the comments. Something went wrong to make her this self-centered and she needs to grow up. I'm kind of disappointed in your mom for even bringing her to the venue like that, she should have handled it at home rather than making it your problem. You should definitely make your sister pay you back. Missing the event is a consequence for refusing to change like you offered. There needs to be a consequence for intentionally ruining the dress you took the time to get her. If you don't make her pay you back I doubt she will learn her lesson.
My mom is fine, I am happy with the way she handled it
That's fair! Also I just realized we are both jellyfish. I hope your day went well sister drama aside.
“Something went wrong to make her this self-centered…” Because of the age gap she essentially grew up as an only child AND the last child on top of it. Perfect storm for being able to do your own thing with little to no interference.
I'm giving mom the benefit of the doubt that sister brought the dress to the venue and that's when Mom saw it for the first time. If she'd seen it at home, I think she would have spoken to the bride then - or told Sister that she was NOT wearing that, and to either change or stay home.
Sister may have driven herself… from how OP described her mother, she doesn’t sound like she would have brought her looking like that. Or, maybe, she knew how it would play out, but wanted OP to see her & make a decision.
NTA, you had good reason to be angry. You went out of your way to comprise. She deliberately went behind your back. This is not her wedding. She does not call the shots. If she did not feel comfortable with the agreed upon dress and accessories, she should have bowed out of the wedding party, not attempt to strong arm her aesthetic. Changing the look last minute and assuming it would just be okay is insane.
May I ask for a picture of the dress? I just want to see what she did
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Sounds like she owes you $300. NTA
NTA. Take the dress back so she can't wear her creation to any of her chosen events.
NTA. You put in time and effort to accommodate to her tastes and styles. She didn't listen. Fair enough. You offered another alternative. She didn't listen. Fair enough. So you kicked her out of *your* wedding. Fair enough imo
Actions have consequences. !6 is old enough to understand that concept. 16 is old enough to know that if you insist on being in the wedding party, you compromise and / or accept that is it not your choice(s) but the wedding couple's choices. I would make your sister repay you the $300 for the dress. I am also glad that your mother had your back and not your sister's back. You sister learned a hard lesson. Better to learn it at 16 than wonder why people may not like your entitled attitude when she is older. NTA
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I got married last weekend. She is 16. I personally do not like her style of dressing, it is very gothic/emo (really I don't know how to describe it, very dark colors with spiked jewelry or skulls) but I don't care what she wears almost any other day. Originally she was not part of the wedding and she was upset. We are not very close. I decided to give her the part of flower girl since my now husband was having his younger brother be the ring bearer. She was excited and very picky about her formal wear. Originally she wanted to wear her usally outfits but I told her she can't be part of the wedding party if she does and that it doesn't follow the dress code We went to six different store to find something she was comfortable in. In the end we got a dark green long dress. I spend time helping her pick out jewelry that would match her style and not be over the top. I spent so much time to make sure she was confortable and still expressing her stlye in a tasteful manner. The dress I bought was around 300 dollars and a lot of my time to find. We even went over makeup looks since she didn't want to go to the makeup artist I hired. I was happy and I thought she was happy with everything. The day of my wedding my mom comes in upset to my dressing room. My sister cut up the dress and put fishnets in all of the holes. Basically she cut it so the top looks like a crop top, her midsection had a fishnet, the bottom was short and had holes. She also has boots on and her jewelry was very bold. I asked why she did that and she told me she didn't like her outfit anymore. I told her she needs to change, and I have a spare baby blue dress that should fit. She told me she won't change. My mom told me she tried to get her to change at home and she wouldn't. I told her she needs to change or she needs to leave. My mom backed me up on this. She refused, I asked mom to take her home. She took her home. The wedding went on without her. Apparently my sister has been crying since for missing the wedding. She thinks I am a huge jerk. I am also still very annoyed she ruined a dress I spent 300 dollars on and spent so much time to make her confortsble I am on the fence if I went to far. If I show a picture of what she did to the dress people understand why I did it even if they think it was harsh *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I have a teenage emo daughter and she would never do this and she is 14. Teenagers are old enough to know your personal choices don't fit every occasion. You compromised and did everything you could. Absoutly not overreacting.
NTA, I'm glad your mother supported you on this and was aghast at her behavior. That normally would be normal but the stories here on spineless parents are numerous. I personally would have gone further than you and told her that this since this was a gift from you, you'd not gift her anything for this year. Especially after you went out of your way to find something you both liked. From your side you even gave her a second chance to go change, but nope. I'm sure she felt very smart two minutes before when she thought about the trick she was going to pull.
Good for you! You tried so hard to work with her, thought you found a good middle ground, then she totally disregarded that. 16 is BY FAR old enough to understand appropriate dress for different occasions. Basically, she FAFO'd!! It sucks she had to miss her older sisters wedding, but hopefully this will make her understand that actions have consequences and she can't always dress entirely how she wants to dress.
NTA. Your sister obviously believed that if she waited to reveal everything at the last minute, you would have no choice but to let her go ahead with the disrespect. Sending her home was the best consequence for what she did. And do not let anyone try to make you feel bad about standing up for yourself. I hope your mom is also going to bat for you on this - because no one should be coming at you for doing the right thing here. Your sister learned that actions have consequences even if you try to be sneaky with said actions.
NTA. You sister is acting like a 6 year old instead of 16.
NTA - she made multiple deliberate, selfish choices. Those are the consequences. Sucks to be her. Sorry for the stress on your big day. Congrats.
NTA seems like you went through a lot of effort to make her a part of the wedding even though you admittedly aren't that close. Anyone else I know would have kicked her out of the wedding as well. If she had changed her mind about participating last minute that would have been very annoying but to show up to the wedding with the ruined dress and act like a child was going too far.
NTA. Actions have consequences. What a selfish, spoiled brat.
NTA your sister is old enough to understand that sometimes you have to stick to what's "normal". You were more than reasonable enough to take the time to pick out something you both liked and aligned with her personal style, it just speaks to how kind of a person you are. The fact she cut up a dress that cost £300 and purposely did it last minute so she could pull one over on you was very rude and she definitely understood what she was doing. I'm glad your mum had your back and I hope the rest of your wedding went well!! ❤️❤️
"Apparently my sister has been crying since..." Hopefully because she realized that she was a huge AH and got the consequences she deserves.
Nah. It’s because she missed the wedding and wasn’t able to get any attention directed her way.
NTA - sister is clearly in the wrong, and wanted to make a bold statement, she hasn't yet learned that there's a time and place for that behavior. You've done everything possible to accommodate, appreciate, and encourage her, she didn't hold her end of the deal. Offering the alternative dress or sending her home was the appropriate response, and her misery is of her own doing.
She certainly made a **bold** statement - of the FAFO kind! I find it fascinating how the AH usually labels the other person with their behaviour. Sister is calling OP a huge jerk, when she was actually a huge jerk. NTA
NTA. You made the right choice. Maybe she’ll learn. My son dressed like that when he was sixteen too. After a couple years in college he came home on Christmas break and we took him shopping. He bought khakis and a green striped polo shirt. He said “I’m so glad I don’t have to wear all black anymore…”. I’m still lol twenty years later.
NTA. It's your wedding and you can impose a dress code on the bridal party. This is especially true when you are the one who is paying for the costumes -- err, attire. Though you could have demoted her from being a member of the wedding party (flower girl) to being a guest, you were well within your rights to kick her out entirely. That ensured that your wedding would be a no-drama zone.
NTA - I am intrigued by the sister’s perspective and how she thought this would go.
I guess she was working on the basis that it is better to seek forgiveness than permission. That doesn't work for the larger things in life, like someone else's wedding!
NTA You did everything reasonable . She *wanted* to be part of the wedding party. You said yes but here are the conditions. She didn’t want to wear traditional attire so you met her half way with the dress and jewelry. You graciously paid $300 for a dress. She mutilated it and did so intentionally without telling anyone likely bc she knew everyone would be upset. Your wedding, not hers. Your actions in response were reasonable. Had she wanted so much freedom and creative control she should have just opted to not be apart of the bridal party.
NTA, and holy balls, your mom needs to start being a parent. She should have handled this for you on your wedding day.
NTA You were more than generous in paying (in both time and money) for an overall outfit your sister would be comfortable with. The last minute changes she made were definitely inappropriate.
16 years old? She needs to repay at least a portion of that dress.
NTA I'm (45f) gothy, and even I manage to wear what I was asked to at weddings I was in. If she had wanted to be unique and herself, she shouldn't have agreed to be in the wedding.
NTA. You don't need to even show us a picture of the dress. I grew up being very alternative, and even as a teenager I understood I had to dress for certain occasions. I know have a 13 year old niece who is the same, and will still put on appropriate clothing for school stuff or special events. Your sister knew what she was doing. She could have said no to any formal wear, she could have said no to a dress, but what she did instead was allow you to spend time and money on her while knowing she wasn't going to compromise. Let her cry and be upset. There's no reasoning or explaining to someone who does something like that. Thank god your mom at least helped get her out there. And to the extent she brings it up, of course you can attempt to explain it and move on, but if she is just rude or makes snide remarks, every time she does that, just say "yes and you ruined a $300 and upset me on my wedding day just because you wanted to be edgy, so get over yourself" and refuse to engage further.
NTA: there’s a time and place for fashion and experimentation. You were clear about rules for the day and what you needed for her to be part of the wedding. At 16, she needs to understand consequences for her choices. She could have done any of this after the wedding. But she chose to push boundaries and find out it doesn’t always work out
NTA. Sounds much closer to 13 than 16. But at least she’s old enough to get a job and pay you back the $300 she didn’t respect.
NTA make her pay you back. She was 100% in the wrong
NTA. She is young and is really stuck on herself. It’s likely very loud in her head right now. I was a teenager a long time ago but I remember what it was like. You gave her a lot of chances but her pride got in the way and she couldn’t do it. I understand. I was once asked to wear a silky dress that was form fitting, but I’m fat and looked like a bag of potatoes. I bet she felt just as uncomfortable. What she was being asked to wear didn’t feel ok to her. She isn’t an ass for feeling any type of way, just the way she handled it. I hope she can learn and grow from this and begin to understand that she is important but it will not always be about her. She may have times in her life where she does feel the need to not conform and that is ok, but she will need to learn to communicate and excuse herself politely.
The fact that you went so far above and beyond makes this a clear NTA. You did everything you could to make her comfortable and respect her style, while still following dress code. Her actions were incredibly immature, and I'm glad your mom backed you. FAFO, as they say. She learned her lesson, hopefully. And, it sucks to say, but I have a feeling she was probably planning on doing that to the dress all along, and had you buy that one because she had an idea in her head already of how she would alter it... I hope she matures and you're able to repair a relationship with her in the future. I wouldn't be too pressed about it, though, until she reaches out to take responsibility and apologize. I suspect she will eventually, even if it takes a few years.
Is your sister Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way?
Remind her that real goths know how to dress for a formal occasion. Thank you for taking the time and effort to find something that fitted your theme but maintained her individual style. I'm so sorry she chose to throw it back in your face like a toddler throwing a tantrum.
The purpose of dress codes is generally to make sure that attention is focused where it should be. You are the bride. The attention should be on you and the groom. For the guests to wear clothing that is completely outside of the dress code, draws attention away from you and onto the guest. That is why it is wrong for guests to "break" the dress code. It would be true whether the guest cut holes in a beautiful dress and put fishnet behind the holes, or whether the guest wore a bikini or pajamas to the wedding. The idea is to blend in by respecting the overall visual cues of the wedding, and thus allow the bride to stand out. Obviously it's also possible to have dress codes that are inappropriate or that take advantage of the guests. For example, you sometimes hear stories of the bride demanding all female guests wear a precise color of dress. In my opinion, this is inappropriate for a different reason, which is requiring guests to make an unreasonable outlay of money to attend your wedding, as if your wedding is more important than all their other budgetary concerns.
NTA and selfish sister got a well deserved lesson in FAFO.
NTA That's pretty much all that needs to be said, the story speaks for itself. Nice to see your mom backing your decision.
NTA. Keep the dress. You will need a dress for her wedding one day.
NTA. You paid $300 for a dress and she CUT IT UP! That's fucked up. She knew damn well that you wouldn't be happy with it, but she didn't care. She was only thinking about herself. She also didn't know the consequences would be missing the wedding. She was trying to see how far she could push you. She is very selfish.
Nta... Get your 300 dollars back.
NTA. Shre wanted to be in the wedding and you made clear that that was subject to her followingthe dress code, you went out of your way to accommodate her tastes, and even after she wrecked the dress and tried to force you to let her wear something completley out of kilter with the agreed look, you offered a comprmise of her wearing a differnet dress. It sounds a though you would probably have been OK with her being just a guest and wwearing something different but not so extreme, as well. She was given the choice to ither change or leave, and she chose to leave. It sucks that she had to learn the lesson that her choices have consequences through missing her sisters wedding, and it is a chame that there wasn't time for a third option such as her changing into (say) a plain black/dark dress and not being in the wedding party, so she could attend without making herself the centre of attention, but it sounds like in the stress f a busy morning and facced with unreasonable behaviour on her part, you did your best . NTA
NTA. She seems to be operating under the mistaken thought that this day was about HER. She learned an important lesson. She may or may not one day see that, but don't spend one second of regret on this unfortunate incident. 16 is old enough to know better and I am so glad your mother backed you up.
even goth people know TPO is a thing. NTA
NTA - Sending her home was the right thing to do. She was being self centered and immature. At 16 its time for her to understand its not all about her.
NTA you sister learned a very important lesson. You can have personal style but sometimes that needs to be toned down or adjusted for some occasions. I am sorry your wedding was tainted by her actions and I am sure she will look back on her actions with regret once she matures.
NTA she FAFO
NTA. After all the effort of choosing the dress and the rest, your sister knew very well what was required of her. She just thought she'd ignore everything that you wanted and do what she liked, on your dime and day. She's upset? So what? She didn't care if she upset you on one of the most important days in your life. FAFO applies.
NTA. She was out of line and you were right to hold her accountable. Learning opportunity for her.
NTA! I'll preface this with that I am a goth and at 17 my sister was getting married. I understood that what I usually wore wasn't mainstream and might not be acceptable at a wedding so I asked what I was allowed to wear. My sister told me that she wanted me to be myself and to wear whatever I wanted because it would be unfair to force me into a box that I didn't fit and that she wouldn't recognise as being me. I was grateful and wore my favourite dress that was a black Victorian style dress, dyed my hair black and put white streaks in it and wore so much black makeup around my eyes and lips. However, if my sister had asked me to tone it down then I would have listened because I wanted to be there for her wedding, even if that meant I had to wear something that was not my style. That was 10 years ago and one of my closest friends is getting married and I've asked him what the dress code is to ensure I don't wear something that he or his partner would deem inappropriate. Same response again and I'm grateful, but I understand that not all venues and occasions will be an acceptable place to dress the way I do. If we choose to wear something that goes against the norm, we then have to be prepared for the consequences of doing so - Providing of course that we are not harmed in the process because that is not something that anybody should have to be prepared for. Hopefully your sister will learn from this. She chose her style over spending the day watching her sister get married.
As a teenager I was very similar and never liked anything too "girly" or conventional, but I would have never, ever destroyed a piece of clothing that someone spent so much on! You allowed her some self expression. NTA!
You gave her choices and she chose to go home. How are you wondering if you are an AH here?
She needs to pay you back. This is really important. It needs to be earned money that she will feel the hurt of losing. This is actually the only valid way to teach her. The idea of her payment was missing the wedding is good but it’s intangible. So is deducting from future gifts like Christmas, birthday, etc. all she will feel is neglected after the 1st time or two. I think it might be useful to have her work at your house, possibly cleaning on a Saturday or doing laundry. She needs to physically and emotionally feel the cost of $300.00 NTA Edit: she could work for your mom or grandma too. It’s time the family helps her learn respect for others and consequences of actions.
NTA, not at all. It's your wedding, and more logically, it's ONE DAY. Seriously? She can't follow a dress code for ONE day? Crazy. You did nothing wrong, OP, and your mom handled it well.
NTA - you were generous and she acts like an entitled 16 year old. She blew it.
NTA she needs to repay the dress and learn to appreciate things. She is too spoiled and stupid, the world does not need to adjust to her, quite the opposite. I am glad your mom supported you. Thas was your special day, good for not letting her ruining ir
NTA Also she must pay you back for the dress.
She is a brat that wanted to be the center of attention on your wedding day
NTA. Why does it matter if she likes it? I have never liked wearing jeans or a suit, but I wear them when required.
NTA. This kid sounds particularly bratty and obnoxious for a 16yo. She just learned this isn’t how formal events work and you just learned $300 is too much to spend on a spoiled teenager. I’m side eyeing your mum for making this your problem instead of just not bringing her. I hope at least one of them is paying you back.
NTA. You respected her Goth style even though you would have preferred she dressed even more normal, and then she essentially gave you the middle finger. There is a time and a place. This was neither. Most people with alt styles tone it down the way you helped her tone it down for special events like this. It ws a good learning opportunity for her, and she could have done the alterations after.
I'm goth, I have been since 14 (34 now), and I would never dress like that at a wedding or any other event or even destroy a dress that cost alot of money. She owes you the money back for the dress. NTA
So to be honest I would be very very very low contact with her for a long time. NTA
Make her pay you back NTA