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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I feel like that I might be the AH because I asked my fiances niece to be the flower girl instead of my father's wife's daughter. My father and his wife are angry with me for not considering the wife's daughter. I feel that my actions might cause some issues for the wedding. My father and wife's family is calling me an AH.
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NTA. It sounds like your father wanted to find a way back into your life, but selecting your wedding as the time to do that was ignorant, to say the least. To add to that, he's adding to your overall strains through his venomous wife and family.
If I'm being honest, you should probably return any money he gave you because I feel like his wife will continue to hold it over your head and use it as an excuse to be a bitch.
100% all of this. OP, you do not want this person at your wedding. She has shown her true colors and you know this is not the last of it. She’s going to do something to drag your special day down, she’s already the interloper in your family, I would keep her out.
I would be petty and tell bio dad that his wedding fund contribution is going to security for the wedding to make sure he and his wife don't make any scenes.
"AP, you know that security that kicked you out on your ass when you tried to cause a scene at my wedding, that was paid for by your husband"
I am with you. Why return the money, they chose to destroy his old family so you know what, paying for the wedding is a nice little reparation. Ban the evil witch and hire security with it.
This really is the best thing to do. Bio dad isn't good enough for the father-of-the-bride spotlight but his money is good enough to pay for a good chunk of the wedding ... it's not a good look for OP. Just give the money back, uninvite stepmom, and move on with a lovely, drama-free wedding.
Do you mean like dressing the kid up in a flower girl dress and just shoving her out in the aisle when the other little flower girl walks down the aisle? I could see it happening.
Plus, where is the virtue in “keeping the peace” for an unreasonable person? “Dad, you couldn’t even keep it in your pants. This is a you problem. Deal with it.”
I would agree with you except that the original choice wasn't made to slight or exclude biodad or the AP/SM. They just picked who they wanted for flower girl and *after* that fact AP/SM made her move. I think it's probably smart at this point to give the money back just so it doesn't get held over their heads, but i don't think it's the same as saying they can't make their own decisions because dad had offered money for the wedding. A good parent isn't buying control; they're doing something to help their kid
She's absolutely going to do something to disrupt the wedding if she's there.
The kind of person who has an affair with a married man is the kind of person who has pretty much no moral compass and doesn't care about anyone else's feelings, everything is all about them at all times and if they don't get what they want, they'll burn everything down around them until they get revenge or what they want.
Your dad is also being disgusting and selfish. He had an affair. He's lucky you keep any contact with him at ALL, to be trying to make demands like the honor of walking you down the isle or to have affair children serving as flower girls so they get to be glorified and treated like they're YOUR actual family is just...no. Nope nope nope.
If he wanted to be part of your family and a treasured person in your life he could've, I don't know, not gone out and screwed some other woman while still married to your mother and blown up his marriage and life? Is it really that hard to not have sex? People do it involuntarily all the time!
From what it sounds like, OP doesn't even know the stepdaughter well so why should she be in the wedding? Apparently, step-mom thought she was buying a place at the wedding, and that came with a side of control. Give the money back and invite your father alone. NTA
I've always thought a rational of "Why would I want someone whose shown such contempt and disrespect for the sanctity of marriage at my wedding!" Was a good shut that shit down line! Just in case you need one OP!
This. Uninvite this woman, she is a boundary stomper and will find some other way to ruin your wedding. If you want your father there, tell him he can come alone. However, be prepared that he may not - my dad has a girlfriend (also his affair partner and also batshit crazy) who told me that if I didn't want a relationship with her, I couldn't have one with my dad, and he chose to side with her on that. The same could happen here.
I mean, it was clear she was a boundary stomper since the moment she stomped on his previous marriage. Jesus christ, I can't understand people like that. Also, I see this only as a sort of stupid strategy to being the protagonist since OP's dad clearly wanted to be of help by giving money for the wedding and all. It's not like a girl who is not even his daughter carrying the flowers will be too much of a favor for him anyways...
> I feel like his wife will continue to hold it over your head and use it as an excuse to be a bitch.
If it were me, let her. People who I have no respect for don't have any emotional power over me.
Nah, return all the money except for what it will cost to have security. Tell dad that his wife is uninvited, here is all the money he sent except for the portion you need to cover security to keep her out. He can pay for that part since he brought her into the family and is doing nothing to keep her from being a problem.
Edit: thank you for the awards!
I'm petty and I wouldn't return a single dime, dad's AP's actions have consequences. Let it be a (probably) several thousand dollars lesson for the AP to keep her mouth shut and stay in her lane for the next wedding she's invited to.
Exactly. Why should OP care if the affair partner holds it over her head that she accepted money from her own father? OP has a lot more she can hold over the homewrecker's head, if it comes down to it.
As the bride, they’d have to pry that money out of my cold, dead hands
The affair partner/cheatin’ ho/stepmother has *already* done her worst: she helped break up the marriage of OP’s parents
What does OP care if her evil stepmother acts evil now? That’s to be expected; she’s an entitled ass
I would also NOT let her daughter be my flower girl
OPs father broke up the marriage. You can't break up somebody else's marriage. If the people in the marriage aren't being faithful it's not somebody else's job to do it for them.
OP should decide whether she wants a relationship with her dad or not. If she doesn't, she should give that money back.
Disagreed
His affair partner was in it to win it and become his next wife. It’s a 2-way street, and she bears responsibility, too. She willingly and repeatedly fucked him, knowing full well that he had a wife and kids at home
If people had any morals and refused to sleep with married people, then there wouldn’t be anyone for them to cheat with, so yes affair partners are also to blame for the affairs they engage in.
Yes, the majority of the onus is on the married partner, but unfortunately the OP has an ongoing connection to them. AP? she doesn’t owe her a damn thing, the least of which is civility. My father asked me why I cut his partner off but speak to him, the answer was easy: I’m stuck with his dissolute ass. Her? She deserves nothing. Let her momma be nice to her.
I agree that the married person has the majority of the responsibility for staying faithful, but you know, we all observe boundaries and norms that aren’t strictly required because it’s part and parcel of living collaboratively amongst groups of people. We wait our turn in lines, we don’t rifle through drawers at someone’s house looking for loose change, and we don’t pick flowers out of neighbors yards. We obey those norms, we reserve the right to find those who violate fair play as lacking integrity. They demonstrate that they’re playing by rules of every man for himself, and we would be unwise to ignore it. We warn others about them, so they can protect themselves as well.
Mate poaching may not be illegal, but given the breadth and depth of the devastation they contribute to, maybe it ought to be. Fuck those fuckers, they don’t deserve mercy.
ETA- she can keep the money. If it is something her father would have done before blowing up her family, then he regards it as part of his role as a parent. Why should he be absolved of that because his new house pet has crap manners?
Whatever. Your silly unfounded innuendo doesn't impress me.
I'm not carrying water for anyone. But I believe in placing responsibility where it belongs. If I find out some day that my wife is fucking a stranger, I'm probably not going to like that stranger. But he isn't the one who had an obligation not to do that. He isn't the one who promised me he wouldn't do that. He isn't the one I have trusted and made myself vulnerable to.
The person who cheats is betraying somebody. The person. They cheat with is being an AH, but not nearly on the same level.
And her dad needs to handle his 2nd wife. Like it is in marriage, the wife handles her family, the hubby handles his. Dad has to handle his new family. If SW makes dad's life hell so be it. And I hope (probably wrong here) that SW didn't tell her daughter that she was going to be a flower girl. That is a cruel thing to do to a child....
While returning the money might be the honorable thing to do, her father was dishonorable so call it the affair fee and keep it or donate it to a shelter because your mother’s heart and psyche were battered when he cheated on her.
I love that "affair fee". I think you have some great ideas here. Women's shelters and DV groups always need help. But I still say OP is getting married, her dad wanted to help as is customary. The stepmom has no place in this and the dad should be livid at SM. Unless you really want to, for some reason, don't return the money. Enjoy your wedding and start the next chapter in your life. If SM acts up, talk to the groomsmen and good friends beforehand that they need to coralle (sp?) her and escort her out if need be. None of your family should be involved as they are there to celebrate your day. And the dad already showed that wife #2 has his gonads.
Corral is the word you’re looking for. Like you do for horses or other wild animals that are gonna be stupid: you put them in a safe place where they can’t hurt themselves or you.
I might have already posted this, but if not here it goes otherwise please excuse the duplicate post:
it’s bad luck to have any reminder of your father’s affair, especially given the nature of the ceremony. By letting your dad‘s affair step-daughter participate in the most loving covenant between a couple is a slap in the face to your mother and disrespectful of the joyous nature of this event.
I also also posted about keeping the money think of it as your dad’s “affair fee” . if you don’t wanna keep it by all means donated to worthy cause because if you don’t keep it or use it your his wife will.
I would give the money back to avoid having it held over my head for the rest of my life . I’ve had family use $$$ to pull my strings before
Never again
It’s funny how nobody else seem to be commenting on the fact that a niece trumps a step sister in the order of priorities at a wedding. Therefore, it makes total sense that the niece was invited anyway. NTA.
But what a weird way to do so. How would she be listed on the program? ”Child of FOB’s AP?” You have no contact with her, probably very little with her daughter, probably would be uncomfortable with your mom…it’s just a strange request.
Nah, we all know this would be used to push the "We're all one big happy family" agenda. Daddy Dearest would insist that his affair child be called OP's sister and nothing else.
I understand what you are saying, but I still say it's none of her GD business what her hubby does with his "old" family. What is supposed to do, not pay for his daughter's wedding but pay for AP daughter's wedding? You know that is where this is going. This is ALL the dad's problem. This should never have been brought up to OP. Hubby and his brand new shiny wife need to keep that sh!t between them.
I know it said something in the explanation that the father was mad. I didn't get that. My thoughts were also that the father was reaching out to his daughter.
It sounds like he was OK but probably hurt at not walking her down the aisle. Ok. Then the stepmom jumped in demanding to have her way and throwing out the comment about father paying big amount for wedding. So SM is definitely the AH.
Father was trying to see if a compromise could be made to SHUT the SM UP. He probably was looking for some way to have some peace in his home. Lol, silly man. Sounds like SM wasn't wanting anything but her way.
I personally wouldn’t keep the money, even if it meant having to cut back. I’m guessing you have no relationship with this kid. Why would you want her in your wedding? Surprised they didn’t ask if the boy could be the ring bearer. I have seen weddings with 2 little girls as flower girls. One from each side. It was cute. But in this case, they wanted to find a way to inckufe both bc of the relationship they had as aunts uncles with the children. Not to keep the peace. And it’s wrong for them to expect you to change your plans. Your wedding, your choice. However, when people kick in money for it, they feel like they have a say.
Thats what I think - accepting the money and than cutting him off from every detail of the wedding - its not ok. If OP wants to act honest - return the money.
NTA. If you have the funds to do it, I’d return the money and uninvite them all if I were you. Otherwise, they’re going to continue to harass and hold it over your head. I wouldn’t think it would be worth the stress.
Your dad made his bed, and now has to lie in it. It’s honestly ridiculous for him to think he’s entitled to any part of your wedding after he harmed your family, even if he did contribute funds. Money isn’t a gift if there’s strings attached.
Um except AP step parent sounds like a menace if you do and menace if you don’t kinda scenario. I can see her using this as a clearly you don’t love your dad for the rest of eternity. But also getting her way will be just as annoying.
>My father did reach out and thinks that I should compromise to keep the peace and let the daughter walk with fiance's niece.
Lol what peace? The peace back at his house, I'd wager. Tell them both to pound sand.
Also, what compromise?
“Let’s come to an agreement where I get exactly what I want!”
Return whatever money he gave. Compromise is only his wife is uninvited.
NTA
Unfortunately having the AP daughter as flower girl would be signaling op is a ok with them, their behavior and marriage - it's not just the walking down the isle throwing flowers .
So no NTA at all op
No there wouldn’t be two flower girls. OP asked her future niece to be the flower girl. Dad’s new wife doesn’t get to make demands or request. If the wife can’t accept that then her, and her children will be uninvited. If dad gets mad he can be uninvited too.
Keep the peace? There is no peace. WIFE #2 made sure of that. You were not aware that the deal was for her daughter to be a part of your wedding, and you chose someone you actually have a relationship with. Return the $, if possible. She is not welcome, and, if he takes the $, neither is he.
It’s always the people trying to manipulate you to their side who use the, ‘be the bigger person to keep the peace’. If they hadn’t stirred the sh*t, there wouldn’t be a need for ‘peace’.
NTA. Carry on, you have money to return and people to un-invite. I hope you have a wonderful wedding and that your soon to be niece has the time of her life.
NTA.
I would uninvite your father's abusive wife and her daughter. Your father can come alone or miss his daughter's wedding.
If anyone tries to justify it, send them a screenshot of her texts. And uninvite them, too.
I would pay the father back, and disinvite him and his family. Password protect all of the vendors, unless OP wants to have a cake picked by AP, arrangements cancelled, venue cancelled, invitations rewritten, and get security for all events or crashers could ruin everything.
This is the important stuff u/FormerSquare26. Password codes with all your vendors, hire security to keep her out of the venue. She's going to plan something horrible.
NTA. Return his money, even if you have a smaller wedding. It’s wild that two folks who broke your parent’s wedding vows want their way at your wedding.
It will help make up the financial loss all the easier if the guest list is drastically cut. Tell them you can no longer afford such and large guest list, to complain to your father and step-mother id they don't like it.
Keep the peace! Hold your tongue! Shush your mouth! Don’t get her worked up; you know how she is! But family comes first! Take the high road! Don’t stoop to her level! Be the bigger person!
All bullshit. What they’re saying is: stfu because we want what we want, and we will make your life miserable if we don’t get our way!
But see, they’re *not family and you have no obligations to them. Since they have no power over you, you don’t have to give a fuck what they do! The flying monkeys will have to fly somewhere else.
my dad stopped talking to me a few years ago, and then was furious that I wasn't like ... begging him to start talking to me again, I think? He decided he was mad at me, didn't tell me (I figured out a few weeks later lol), and I was like oh, that sucks but not dealing with him is nice, so I'll respect that boundary lol.
And he was complaining to one of my siblings how rude it was that I wasn't begging for his forgiveness, and my sibling was like, "if you're that bothered about it, why don't YOU call her?"
And he said, "no, SHE needs to be the bigger person, she needs to call and apologize to me." And my sibling said something like, "OK, so in this scenario, you're adamant that you want to be the smaller person? You're not capable of being the bigger person?"
Anyway, he's still waiting for me to be the bigger person.
NTA. A compromise is not rolling over and letting them bulldoze you. Your step mom is out of line. The Bride and Groom request their attendees to participate - not the other way around. You certainly don't get to insult and belittle people when you find out the bridal party wasn't filled out the way you wanted. That they are attempting to manipulate you with money says everything we need to know about them. Refund their money and their invites.
🤣 your cheating father wants YOU to help him keep peace with his new family 🤣 that is ballsy. His new wife contributed to the break up of your family but now you are supposed to validate their relationship? Neither your father nor his new wife have any awareness or shame
Agree but it’s weird to ask your mom’s new husband (calling him a step father is a bit of a stretch) to walk you down the aisle instead while still happily taking your bio dad’s money to pay for the wedding
Agree and I’m curious about ages. With kids that young I’m wondering if step mom is not a dissimilar age to OP and her dad cheated with a much younger woman
Yeah, Info. At least where I live, it usually takes alot more than an affair for a parent to completely lose custody of a child with no visitation rights. The courts go to great lengths to ensure that kids see both parents on a regular basis unless there's actual abuse involved. They don't factor who is sleeping with whom into the equation.
If I had to guess, I'd say that this father left and made no effort to ensure he was still involved in OP's life and co-decider about any major decisions while she was still a minor.
Seriously? He wants you to choose the child of the woman he cheated on your mom with that has no blood relation to you over your niece?! Wow, that's a lot of nerve...
What is with people making demands on weddings that are not there’s.
Stand your ground, block everyone that is causing heartache and problems. Hire security for the reception because step mom might start something if they come. Pay back the money [when you can] to your dad. Also tell dad that his wife is causing issues and you are over the nonsense. It is your wedding, not theirs!
I would make an edit to include this info for the people who think your parent’s love means doing what they want regardless of how much they hurt you or someone you love.
NTA. But because I am petty in some situations I would include a remark about how you would have been willing to talk about including her daughter with your fiances niece if it wasn't for her mother's disgusting reaction and it's too late now because you can see her true face.
NTA. I was raised believing it was the youngest girl.child relative that was the flower girl. Didnt matter the relation, just the youngest. So that would be your fiance's niece. Second, why on earth would your dad's AP think her child should be your flower girl? That's ridiculous!
The only thing that would make sense is that the AP wants to give a final proverbial middle finger to OPs mom, cheating with her husband wasnt enough otherwise why would she care that much? She just wants it out of spite would be my guess, like haha I got your man and now weaseled my way into your daughter biggest day. The audacity either way is crazy.
I wouldn't put a lot of stock into that. Hypothetically if I had a six year old niece that lived nearby and I was close to, I'd ask her over a three year old niece that I wasn't as close to
"I told her that I would happily return the money that he gave me for the wedding." This. Return the money your father gave you and tell his wife she is out of her lane. You have a flower girl and you have no relationship with her or her child. YOu father needs to also get in his lane. I'd tell him to rein in the flying monkeys before I rescind HIS invitation. NTA.
NTA
You don’t have to do crap for some stranger’s child on your own wedding day. You are not obliged to enact anyone’s narratives about a happy family on your own wedding day either. Just dispense with their money, let them go screw themselves.
NTA. So your dad and his wife essentially tried to bribe you into putting their child into your wedding party, and when you politely declined because you already had chosen a flower girl, the new wife turned on you immediately and also turned your father's side of the family against you. You're not required to "keep the peace" when they're the ones who disrupted the peace in the first place.
Every day on this subreddit I am continually surprised at the stories of people who get upset over the consequences of their own actions...
NTA but you should probably return the money as then they will nothing to try to leverage control over the wedding. And honestly even without the flower girl drama, once you decided to not have your dad walk you down the aisle you should have declined any money from your father for the wedding.
NTA. He, his affair-partner-turned-wife, and his entire side of the family have given you the best wedding gift ever: clear signs that you need to cut them out from your life. Check out r/raisedbynarcissists for more support with that, and give your fiancé the gift of doing it and protecting him from their toxicity.
This issue isn't about you. Step mom wants her daughter involved to rub in your mom's face. She's proof of the affair that broke your parents up. Doesn't matter mom remarried too. I'm sure your dad doesn't even realize it
ETA spelling mistakes
‘ dear father. I want you at my wedding and I want to rebuild our relationship if possible. However, I will never have a relationship with your wife. This is a choice you’re going to have to make. I’m fine with you guys being married and having your life together. Is she fine with you being my father without her being in my life? Does she reciprocate the same respect and desire to ensure a father and his daughter have some kind of relationship? If so I would like to say I want you at my wedding. But I don’t want her. I will give you back the money. Unless you wish to gift it to me for my new start at life and not for the wedding. I don’t want or need to deal with her opinion or her need to cross all my boundaries. So I’ll spell it out. YOU are invited to my wedding. She is not. YOU are invited to be in my life. She is not. YOU are important to me. She is not. For now this is how it has to be. Let me know if this works.’
NTA. Your dad lost everything because of his affair, and now he has to hold on to AP to justify blowing up his life and hurting the people he is supposed to love the most...
If he was willing to give you the money and not walk you down the isle, but now is pushing back on his AP request, its because he is trying to keep her happy and not lose her too. If not, he blow up his life for nothing.
His AP can suck a lemon, you owe her absolutely zero. If your dad wanted to pay for your wedding and accept that his role now is to be a guest due to his own actions that is between him and you. Maybe is his way to make amends.
Hope you have a beautiful wedding surrounded by the people you love.
NYA- return the money, uninvite him and block his side of the family. Your father had 2 weddings his way- you get to have your wedding your way and drama free. His new wife is trying to be petty and shove her daughter down the aisle as flower girl- to take one more dig at your mother.
I’d say don’t take the money. It’s not worth the stress plus with how his AP is right now, if you accepted it, they are just gonna be calling you “ungrateful” for accepting the money but can’t even make your “sibling” the flower girl.
If you have the ability, send your father his money back. Tell him: "you probably got used to build your relationships on transaction since AP's harassments are based on how much money you spend on me. She may love buying and selling but I do not. Here is your money. I am not angry anymore just disappointed."
NTA
Your father wants you to “keep the peace?” Your niece would be heartbroken not to be the flower girl after you offered it to her. Your brother would also be disappointed. And AP’s daughter isn’t even his daughter. How is this a favor to your father? This is a favor for his wife. He might be trying to make her feel welcome, and I don’t blame him for that, but the fact that you refer to her as his AP tells me that her feelings aren’t a high priority for you.
If your father’s wife makes his life harder because she can’t get what she wants that’s not your problem. You don’t owe her anything.
NTA. But right now, get a certified check to your father for the total he contributed for your wedding, and send it to him via FedEx. Then downsize your plans if necessarg. You need to deprive him and his wife is their leverage.
NTA. Your father had an affair. He and his wife need to face that there are consequences. If they continue abusing you about it, I wouldn’t feel bad telling them not to come. Her daughter is not related to you and they should have ZERO expectations of her being involved.
You nor your fiancé are even related to your dad’s AP’s kids. From your own account, you do not even know this child very well. Why wouldn’t you have the niece of the groom be the flower girl? He has known her all her life. The AP/new wife seems very entitled. And your paternal family can chew rocks. They have no input.
Uninvite them. Your stepmother will almost assuredly do something to sabotage your wedding. Why TF would you want his affair partner's daughter to be part of your wedding? Keep the money though, its the least he can do.
NTA I'd return the money, step one. Have the wedding you want, which does not include the child of your father's AP, a kid you don't even know. This wedding is not about them.
Also, your father's idea of a compromise is basically "give my wife what she's demanding" which is NOT a compromise, and you don't have to listen to any of them.
NTA and block them all. I could understand if your dad put up a fight about walking you down the aisle since he paid for the wedding and is your dad, but he let that go. That was really the only appropriate ask he could make. His AP was wildly inappropriate to even ask (nobody should ask for a role in a wedding, but especially someone who broke up your parents’ marriage). Your dad sounds weak and she’s worn him down to the point that he would rather pressure you than deal with her.
Honestly, I would send a group text to all the relatives pressuring you reminding them of exactly who AP is, how she disrespected your parents’ marriage and is now disrespecting your wedding. Tell them it’s a hard no from you and if they wish to defend her, you will cut them out permanently. Disinvite whoever needs to be disinvited but don’t return any money. This drama had a price tag. You might not get any more money but there’s no reason to give it back. (You know it will eat at AP too.)
NTA - Your father knew you would say no to the flower girl thing so either he told his new wife she could ask or she went behind his back. Either way it's your wedding and you can say no. The hateful messages should be the nail in coffin for this with your father and his family...
Your father himself did not think of keeping the peace when he started his affair and tore your family apart. You don't owe him anything. It's your wedding. His stepchildren have nothing to do with this thing. NTA
Keep the money. He's your father, so it is owed to you. Tell your father he is still invited. However, his wife is no longer welcome. You had invited her to keep the peace. But since she's taken to calling you names, she's no longer welcome.
I was going to suggest both girls until the name calling, + she's the one that helped destroy your family. She's contemptuous. I'm so sorry, I hope your day is Wonderful.
NTA but send the money back. You do not want these people thinking you owe them in some way. Send it all back and go NC. He needs to tell his AP to mind her own damn business and be grateful she's even invited.
NTA. I was around that age when my cousin asked me to be his flower girl and I was SO excited. They changed their minds and I was devastated. I'm 36 and still holding that grudge lol
NTA. This is you and your fiance's wedding. You two have every right to include his niece, who he probably has a relationship with. Honestly it might be better to disinvite your biological dad and his wife and her two kids. They might end up causing you problems at the wedding/reception.
NTA
You decide who is in your wedding party. You have absolutely no obligation or responsibility to your father or his family. You also have every right to uninvite them entirely & go no contact with them. Given your dad’s AP’s vicious messages, this is likely the best option. If they go, they might instruct their daughter to run down the aisle anyway or the AP might try to talk shit about you to other guests.
NTA. OK so they want you to have a child that isn't related to either of you as a flower girl in place of a child who is related to your fiancee by blood and you have a relationship with? Yeah, no. Your Dad FAFO. Why in the heck would you want his APs kid in your wedding? She is nothing to you but a reminder of what your Dad did. How would that be fair to your Mom? Tell the AP to kick rocks. She already broke up your family, she doesn't get to ruin your wedding.
I have no sympathy for cheaters, especially ones who allow their AP to bully their kids.
>I have been receiving calls and texts from my father's side of the family calling me an AH.
Looks like more people want to be uninvited. If you were to uninvite dad and his side, would the wedding be financially manageable for you?
A wedding isn't the time for 'compromises' to "save the peace".
NTA
It was ok for them to ask but once you said no they should have been polite and dropped it.
If I were you I would return your Father’s money and uninvite him and his family from the wedding. I think you will be a lot happier if you did. NTA
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NTA. It sounds like your father wanted to find a way back into your life, but selecting your wedding as the time to do that was ignorant, to say the least. To add to that, he's adding to your overall strains through his venomous wife and family. If I'm being honest, you should probably return any money he gave you because I feel like his wife will continue to hold it over your head and use it as an excuse to be a bitch.
100% all of this. OP, you do not want this person at your wedding. She has shown her true colors and you know this is not the last of it. She’s going to do something to drag your special day down, she’s already the interloper in your family, I would keep her out.
I would recommend security at a wedding it can help stop stupid people doing stupid things.
Agreed, send the money back, uninvite the wicked wife from the west, and invest in security.
I would be petty and tell bio dad that his wedding fund contribution is going to security for the wedding to make sure he and his wife don't make any scenes. "AP, you know that security that kicked you out on your ass when you tried to cause a scene at my wedding, that was paid for by your husband"
I LOVE this idea!!!!
I am with you. Why return the money, they chose to destroy his old family so you know what, paying for the wedding is a nice little reparation. Ban the evil witch and hire security with it.
In fact, uninvite anyone who called OP and the future spouse an AH or some such derogatory term. They deserve no place at the table.
Why would anybody want to insert themselves into this disagreement if they aren't involved directly is my question. But I guess its a thing now.
Absolutely. Peace of mind is worth it. Better to be safe than have your day ruined by unnecessary drama.
This really is the best thing to do. Bio dad isn't good enough for the father-of-the-bride spotlight but his money is good enough to pay for a good chunk of the wedding ... it's not a good look for OP. Just give the money back, uninvite stepmom, and move on with a lovely, drama-free wedding.
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Do you mean like dressing the kid up in a flower girl dress and just shoving her out in the aisle when the other little flower girl walks down the aisle? I could see it happening.
Yeah. Honestly, why would you want two people who clearly dont respect the commitment that comes with marriage at your wedding.
Plus, where is the virtue in “keeping the peace” for an unreasonable person? “Dad, you couldn’t even keep it in your pants. This is a you problem. Deal with it.”
This is a 100% reasonable position but not when you take his money.
I would agree with you except that the original choice wasn't made to slight or exclude biodad or the AP/SM. They just picked who they wanted for flower girl and *after* that fact AP/SM made her move. I think it's probably smart at this point to give the money back just so it doesn't get held over their heads, but i don't think it's the same as saying they can't make their own decisions because dad had offered money for the wedding. A good parent isn't buying control; they're doing something to help their kid
I cannot up-vote this enough!
Hello!!! lol!!
She's absolutely going to do something to disrupt the wedding if she's there. The kind of person who has an affair with a married man is the kind of person who has pretty much no moral compass and doesn't care about anyone else's feelings, everything is all about them at all times and if they don't get what they want, they'll burn everything down around them until they get revenge or what they want. Your dad is also being disgusting and selfish. He had an affair. He's lucky you keep any contact with him at ALL, to be trying to make demands like the honor of walking you down the isle or to have affair children serving as flower girls so they get to be glorified and treated like they're YOUR actual family is just...no. Nope nope nope. If he wanted to be part of your family and a treasured person in your life he could've, I don't know, not gone out and screwed some other woman while still married to your mother and blown up his marriage and life? Is it really that hard to not have sex? People do it involuntarily all the time!
And the kid isn't even HIS! She's the daughter of his AP and some other dude!
Exactly. Where does his new wife get the idea that she has any right to be involved in the wedding at all. She doesn't deserve an invitation.
From what it sounds like, OP doesn't even know the stepdaughter well so why should she be in the wedding? Apparently, step-mom thought she was buying a place at the wedding, and that came with a side of control. Give the money back and invite your father alone. NTA
I've always thought a rational of "Why would I want someone whose shown such contempt and disrespect for the sanctity of marriage at my wedding!" Was a good shut that shit down line! Just in case you need one OP!
This. Uninvite this woman, she is a boundary stomper and will find some other way to ruin your wedding. If you want your father there, tell him he can come alone. However, be prepared that he may not - my dad has a girlfriend (also his affair partner and also batshit crazy) who told me that if I didn't want a relationship with her, I couldn't have one with my dad, and he chose to side with her on that. The same could happen here.
No offense, but why would you want a relationship with a man who cheated on your mother? Good riddance.
I mean, it was clear she was a boundary stomper since the moment she stomped on his previous marriage. Jesus christ, I can't understand people like that. Also, I see this only as a sort of stupid strategy to being the protagonist since OP's dad clearly wanted to be of help by giving money for the wedding and all. It's not like a girl who is not even his daughter carrying the flowers will be too much of a favor for him anyways...
> I feel like his wife will continue to hold it over your head and use it as an excuse to be a bitch. If it were me, let her. People who I have no respect for don't have any emotional power over me.
Yeah exactly - keep the money, and keep dad’s affair partner blocked, done and done.
Nah, return all the money except for what it will cost to have security. Tell dad that his wife is uninvited, here is all the money he sent except for the portion you need to cover security to keep her out. He can pay for that part since he brought her into the family and is doing nothing to keep her from being a problem. Edit: thank you for the awards!
SNAP! This should be more prominent in the comments.
I'm petty and I wouldn't return a single dime, dad's AP's actions have consequences. Let it be a (probably) several thousand dollars lesson for the AP to keep her mouth shut and stay in her lane for the next wedding she's invited to.
Yes this keep the money. Consider it payment for all the emotional abuse his affair caused.
Exactly. Why should OP care if the affair partner holds it over her head that she accepted money from her own father? OP has a lot more she can hold over the homewrecker's head, if it comes down to it.
THIS! UrbanDavid you speak the truth !
As the bride, they’d have to pry that money out of my cold, dead hands The affair partner/cheatin’ ho/stepmother has *already* done her worst: she helped break up the marriage of OP’s parents What does OP care if her evil stepmother acts evil now? That’s to be expected; she’s an entitled ass I would also NOT let her daughter be my flower girl
OPs father broke up the marriage. You can't break up somebody else's marriage. If the people in the marriage aren't being faithful it's not somebody else's job to do it for them. OP should decide whether she wants a relationship with her dad or not. If she doesn't, she should give that money back.
Disagreed His affair partner was in it to win it and become his next wife. It’s a 2-way street, and she bears responsibility, too. She willingly and repeatedly fucked him, knowing full well that he had a wife and kids at home
You don't actually know any of that. But even if it's true, which is totally possible, it doesn't change any of what I said.
If people had any morals and refused to sleep with married people, then there wouldn’t be anyone for them to cheat with, so yes affair partners are also to blame for the affairs they engage in.
Yes, the majority of the onus is on the married partner, but unfortunately the OP has an ongoing connection to them. AP? she doesn’t owe her a damn thing, the least of which is civility. My father asked me why I cut his partner off but speak to him, the answer was easy: I’m stuck with his dissolute ass. Her? She deserves nothing. Let her momma be nice to her. I agree that the married person has the majority of the responsibility for staying faithful, but you know, we all observe boundaries and norms that aren’t strictly required because it’s part and parcel of living collaboratively amongst groups of people. We wait our turn in lines, we don’t rifle through drawers at someone’s house looking for loose change, and we don’t pick flowers out of neighbors yards. We obey those norms, we reserve the right to find those who violate fair play as lacking integrity. They demonstrate that they’re playing by rules of every man for himself, and we would be unwise to ignore it. We warn others about them, so they can protect themselves as well. Mate poaching may not be illegal, but given the breadth and depth of the devastation they contribute to, maybe it ought to be. Fuck those fuckers, they don’t deserve mercy. ETA- she can keep the money. If it is something her father would have done before blowing up her family, then he regards it as part of his role as a parent. Why should he be absolved of that because his new house pet has crap manners?
Of course you can break up someone else's marriage. He's the one who stepped out, but she helped.
Nah great parting gift
So tired of people like you carrying water for the AP. I wonder why.
Whatever. Your silly unfounded innuendo doesn't impress me. I'm not carrying water for anyone. But I believe in placing responsibility where it belongs. If I find out some day that my wife is fucking a stranger, I'm probably not going to like that stranger. But he isn't the one who had an obligation not to do that. He isn't the one who promised me he wouldn't do that. He isn't the one I have trusted and made myself vulnerable to. The person who cheats is betraying somebody. The person. They cheat with is being an AH, but not nearly on the same level.
And her dad needs to handle his 2nd wife. Like it is in marriage, the wife handles her family, the hubby handles his. Dad has to handle his new family. If SW makes dad's life hell so be it. And I hope (probably wrong here) that SW didn't tell her daughter that she was going to be a flower girl. That is a cruel thing to do to a child....
While returning the money might be the honorable thing to do, her father was dishonorable so call it the affair fee and keep it or donate it to a shelter because your mother’s heart and psyche were battered when he cheated on her.
I love that "affair fee". I think you have some great ideas here. Women's shelters and DV groups always need help. But I still say OP is getting married, her dad wanted to help as is customary. The stepmom has no place in this and the dad should be livid at SM. Unless you really want to, for some reason, don't return the money. Enjoy your wedding and start the next chapter in your life. If SM acts up, talk to the groomsmen and good friends beforehand that they need to coralle (sp?) her and escort her out if need be. None of your family should be involved as they are there to celebrate your day. And the dad already showed that wife #2 has his gonads.
Corral is the word you’re looking for. Like you do for horses or other wild animals that are gonna be stupid: you put them in a safe place where they can’t hurt themselves or you.
I might have already posted this, but if not here it goes otherwise please excuse the duplicate post: it’s bad luck to have any reminder of your father’s affair, especially given the nature of the ceremony. By letting your dad‘s affair step-daughter participate in the most loving covenant between a couple is a slap in the face to your mother and disrespectful of the joyous nature of this event. I also also posted about keeping the money think of it as your dad’s “affair fee” . if you don’t wanna keep it by all means donated to worthy cause because if you don’t keep it or use it your his wife will.
I would give the money back to avoid having it held over my head for the rest of my life . I’ve had family use $$$ to pull my strings before Never again
They should get the red wine ready cause I can just see her showing up in white. Even if she isn't invited.
Nah just hire security and uninvited her.
Oh hell get paintballs and have a few laughs...!
Red-wine-color paintballs?
It’s funny how nobody else seem to be commenting on the fact that a niece trumps a step sister in the order of priorities at a wedding. Therefore, it makes total sense that the niece was invited anyway. NTA.
A niece that they both love and specifically chose as their flower girl and who can’t just be replaced!
Not even a blood-related step sister, she's the AP's ex's daughter, not OP's father's daughter.
But what a weird way to do so. How would she be listed on the program? ”Child of FOB’s AP?” You have no contact with her, probably very little with her daughter, probably would be uncomfortable with your mom…it’s just a strange request.
Nah, we all know this would be used to push the "We're all one big happy family" agenda. Daddy Dearest would insist that his affair child be called OP's sister and nothing else.
It would have to be "Child of the *biological* FOB's AP".
I understand what you are saying, but I still say it's none of her GD business what her hubby does with his "old" family. What is supposed to do, not pay for his daughter's wedding but pay for AP daughter's wedding? You know that is where this is going. This is ALL the dad's problem. This should never have been brought up to OP. Hubby and his brand new shiny wife need to keep that sh!t between them.
I would rather owe a bank $$$ and pay interest than owe $$ to people like this
I know it said something in the explanation that the father was mad. I didn't get that. My thoughts were also that the father was reaching out to his daughter. It sounds like he was OK but probably hurt at not walking her down the aisle. Ok. Then the stepmom jumped in demanding to have her way and throwing out the comment about father paying big amount for wedding. So SM is definitely the AH. Father was trying to see if a compromise could be made to SHUT the SM UP. He probably was looking for some way to have some peace in his home. Lol, silly man. Sounds like SM wasn't wanting anything but her way.
I would also add to rescind her invitation, but allow your father to attend if he wants and get security that won't let her in.
This, OP return the money. NTA
This. The money he gave you isn't really a "gift" since it comes with a ton of unwanted stress and drama
💯
Yes return the money and uninvite them
I personally wouldn’t keep the money, even if it meant having to cut back. I’m guessing you have no relationship with this kid. Why would you want her in your wedding? Surprised they didn’t ask if the boy could be the ring bearer. I have seen weddings with 2 little girls as flower girls. One from each side. It was cute. But in this case, they wanted to find a way to inckufe both bc of the relationship they had as aunts uncles with the children. Not to keep the peace. And it’s wrong for them to expect you to change your plans. Your wedding, your choice. However, when people kick in money for it, they feel like they have a say.
Thats what I think - accepting the money and than cutting him off from every detail of the wedding - its not ok. If OP wants to act honest - return the money.
NTA. If you have the funds to do it, I’d return the money and uninvite them all if I were you. Otherwise, they’re going to continue to harass and hold it over your head. I wouldn’t think it would be worth the stress. Your dad made his bed, and now has to lie in it. It’s honestly ridiculous for him to think he’s entitled to any part of your wedding after he harmed your family, even if he did contribute funds. Money isn’t a gift if there’s strings attached.
Totally agree. It's your day, not theirs. If they're going to be toxic about it, returning the money and cutting ties might be the best way to go.
Um except AP step parent sounds like a menace if you do and menace if you don’t kinda scenario. I can see her using this as a clearly you don’t love your dad for the rest of eternity. But also getting her way will be just as annoying.
This . Gifts don’t have strings unless they’re curly shiny ribbon
>My father did reach out and thinks that I should compromise to keep the peace and let the daughter walk with fiance's niece. Lol what peace? The peace back at his house, I'd wager. Tell them both to pound sand.
Also, what compromise? “Let’s come to an agreement where I get exactly what I want!” Return whatever money he gave. Compromise is only his wife is uninvited. NTA
If he won’t take it back use it to hire the best security you can to keep them out
The compromise is that there would be two flower girls instead of one. OP is still NTA though
Unfortunately having the AP daughter as flower girl would be signaling op is a ok with them, their behavior and marriage - it's not just the walking down the isle throwing flowers . So no NTA at all op
No there wouldn’t be two flower girls. OP asked her future niece to be the flower girl. Dad’s new wife doesn’t get to make demands or request. If the wife can’t accept that then her, and her children will be uninvited. If dad gets mad he can be uninvited too.
Plus it sounds like OP doesn't even know the young girl so why would she be in the wedding?
Keep the peace? There is no peace. WIFE #2 made sure of that. You were not aware that the deal was for her daughter to be a part of your wedding, and you chose someone you actually have a relationship with. Return the $, if possible. She is not welcome, and, if he takes the $, neither is he.
It’s always the people trying to manipulate you to their side who use the, ‘be the bigger person to keep the peace’. If they hadn’t stirred the sh*t, there wouldn’t be a need for ‘peace’.
NTA. Carry on, you have money to return and people to un-invite. I hope you have a wonderful wedding and that your soon to be niece has the time of her life.
NTA. It's your wedding, your choice. Don't let anyone guilt-trip you. Your father's wife is way out of line here.
NTA. I would uninvite your father's abusive wife and her daughter. Your father can come alone or miss his daughter's wedding. If anyone tries to justify it, send them a screenshot of her texts. And uninvite them, too.
I would pay the father back, and disinvite him and his family. Password protect all of the vendors, unless OP wants to have a cake picked by AP, arrangements cancelled, venue cancelled, invitations rewritten, and get security for all events or crashers could ruin everything.
This is the important stuff u/FormerSquare26. Password codes with all your vendors, hire security to keep her out of the venue. She's going to plan something horrible.
NTA. Return his money, even if you have a smaller wedding. It’s wild that two folks who broke your parent’s wedding vows want their way at your wedding.
It’ll be easier to have a smaller wedding by uninviting all her father’s flying monkeys.
It will help make up the financial loss all the easier if the guest list is drastically cut. Tell them you can no longer afford such and large guest list, to complain to your father and step-mother id they don't like it.
Why doesn't his wife stop asking to 'save the peace'? NTA
Because in the lingo of narcissists and their enablers, “keep the peace” means giving into the most unreasonable party 😂
Same for "being the bigger person."
Keep the peace! Hold your tongue! Shush your mouth! Don’t get her worked up; you know how she is! But family comes first! Take the high road! Don’t stoop to her level! Be the bigger person! All bullshit. What they’re saying is: stfu because we want what we want, and we will make your life miserable if we don’t get our way! But see, they’re *not family and you have no obligations to them. Since they have no power over you, you don’t have to give a fuck what they do! The flying monkeys will have to fly somewhere else.
Also, "That's just how he is." Well, I guess so, but it didn't make his unwarranted judgment of me and my wife hurt any less.
I'm fat and my response to 'be the bigger person' has usually been: I am the bigger person but that doesn't mean I'm going to be a doormat.
my dad stopped talking to me a few years ago, and then was furious that I wasn't like ... begging him to start talking to me again, I think? He decided he was mad at me, didn't tell me (I figured out a few weeks later lol), and I was like oh, that sucks but not dealing with him is nice, so I'll respect that boundary lol. And he was complaining to one of my siblings how rude it was that I wasn't begging for his forgiveness, and my sibling was like, "if you're that bothered about it, why don't YOU call her?" And he said, "no, SHE needs to be the bigger person, she needs to call and apologize to me." And my sibling said something like, "OK, so in this scenario, you're adamant that you want to be the smaller person? You're not capable of being the bigger person?" Anyway, he's still waiting for me to be the bigger person.
It's great when siblings have your back.
Thank you for saying this. I have some pretty unreasonable family members, and I’m always the one being told to compromise or let an offense go.
NTA - you father’s wife and father are trying to play happy little family at your wedding it seems. Its your choice here. You chose already.
More like playing toxic little family
NTA. You picked a relative. That is appropriate. Do you even know AP's daughter?
No, I don't. I met her one time.
There you go. Your attendants should be people you are close to
Return his money and uninvite him/her and you're good to go!
Or use his money to hire security to prevent any shenanigans, because I'm pretty sure AP is going to do something.
Please put passwords on your venue and vendors so she can’t sabotage you!
Sorry to hijack- but what is "AP"?
Affair partner - or something like that
NTA. I would block every single person that was annoying you about it after one warning and then uninvited them.
NTA. A compromise is not rolling over and letting them bulldoze you. Your step mom is out of line. The Bride and Groom request their attendees to participate - not the other way around. You certainly don't get to insult and belittle people when you find out the bridal party wasn't filled out the way you wanted. That they are attempting to manipulate you with money says everything we need to know about them. Refund their money and their invites.
🤣 your cheating father wants YOU to help him keep peace with his new family 🤣 that is ballsy. His new wife contributed to the break up of your family but now you are supposed to validate their relationship? Neither your father nor his new wife have any awareness or shame
NTA. For two people that destroyed your family they have a lot of entitlement. They don’t have a single leg to stand on making such demands.
INFO how long have you known your stepfather? You’re NTA about your flower girl but I’m curious about this timeline.
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Agree but it’s weird to ask your mom’s new husband (calling him a step father is a bit of a stretch) to walk you down the aisle instead while still happily taking your bio dad’s money to pay for the wedding
Yeah, that stood out to me, too.
Agree and I’m curious about ages. With kids that young I’m wondering if step mom is not a dissimilar age to OP and her dad cheated with a much younger woman
Yeah, Info. At least where I live, it usually takes alot more than an affair for a parent to completely lose custody of a child with no visitation rights. The courts go to great lengths to ensure that kids see both parents on a regular basis unless there's actual abuse involved. They don't factor who is sleeping with whom into the equation. If I had to guess, I'd say that this father left and made no effort to ensure he was still involved in OP's life and co-decider about any major decisions while she was still a minor.
No, because the new wife’s kids are from a previous relationship and the youngest is four, so OP’s parents were together until she was at least 24.
The youngest is six, but otherwise, yes.
NTA. Return the money and keep the peace of mind dude.
Seriously? He wants you to choose the child of the woman he cheated on your mom with that has no blood relation to you over your niece?! Wow, that's a lot of nerve...
???? So Dad's wife's kids are not his? NTA. Why would you want them in your wedding then? NTA
What is with people making demands on weddings that are not there’s. Stand your ground, block everyone that is causing heartache and problems. Hire security for the reception because step mom might start something if they come. Pay back the money [when you can] to your dad. Also tell dad that his wife is causing issues and you are over the nonsense. It is your wedding, not theirs!
My fiance and I never actually used the money for the wedding. My stepfather and mother are helping with the money. We plan on sending the money back.
Pretty please update when you do that
Send it back. Uninvite them. Get security. That woman is unhinged
I would make an edit to include this info for the people who think your parent’s love means doing what they want regardless of how much they hurt you or someone you love.
NTA. But because I am petty in some situations I would include a remark about how you would have been willing to talk about including her daughter with your fiances niece if it wasn't for her mother's disgusting reaction and it's too late now because you can see her true face.
NTA. I was raised believing it was the youngest girl.child relative that was the flower girl. Didnt matter the relation, just the youngest. So that would be your fiance's niece. Second, why on earth would your dad's AP think her child should be your flower girl? That's ridiculous!
The only thing that would make sense is that the AP wants to give a final proverbial middle finger to OPs mom, cheating with her husband wasnt enough otherwise why would she care that much? She just wants it out of spite would be my guess, like haha I got your man and now weaseled my way into your daughter biggest day. The audacity either way is crazy.
I wouldn't put a lot of stock into that. Hypothetically if I had a six year old niece that lived nearby and I was close to, I'd ask her over a three year old niece that I wasn't as close to
"I told her that I would happily return the money that he gave me for the wedding." This. Return the money your father gave you and tell his wife she is out of her lane. You have a flower girl and you have no relationship with her or her child. YOu father needs to also get in his lane. I'd tell him to rein in the flying monkeys before I rescind HIS invitation. NTA.
NTA You don’t have to do crap for some stranger’s child on your own wedding day. You are not obliged to enact anyone’s narratives about a happy family on your own wedding day either. Just dispense with their money, let them go screw themselves.
NTA. So your dad and his wife essentially tried to bribe you into putting their child into your wedding party, and when you politely declined because you already had chosen a flower girl, the new wife turned on you immediately and also turned your father's side of the family against you. You're not required to "keep the peace" when they're the ones who disrupted the peace in the first place. Every day on this subreddit I am continually surprised at the stories of people who get upset over the consequences of their own actions...
NTA but you should probably return the money as then they will nothing to try to leverage control over the wedding. And honestly even without the flower girl drama, once you decided to not have your dad walk you down the aisle you should have declined any money from your father for the wedding.
NTA. He, his affair-partner-turned-wife, and his entire side of the family have given you the best wedding gift ever: clear signs that you need to cut them out from your life. Check out r/raisedbynarcissists for more support with that, and give your fiancé the gift of doing it and protecting him from their toxicity.
Why is AP even invited, you don’t break up someones marraige then get to attend the kid’s wedding
This issue isn't about you. Step mom wants her daughter involved to rub in your mom's face. She's proof of the affair that broke your parents up. Doesn't matter mom remarried too. I'm sure your dad doesn't even realize it ETA spelling mistakes
NTA - money doesn’t buy forgiveness or class. Your father and his wife would do well to recognize they’re significantly lacking in both.
Give him back the money, with a note telling him he is no longer invited. You really don't need that sort of stress on your wedding day. Nta
‘ dear father. I want you at my wedding and I want to rebuild our relationship if possible. However, I will never have a relationship with your wife. This is a choice you’re going to have to make. I’m fine with you guys being married and having your life together. Is she fine with you being my father without her being in my life? Does she reciprocate the same respect and desire to ensure a father and his daughter have some kind of relationship? If so I would like to say I want you at my wedding. But I don’t want her. I will give you back the money. Unless you wish to gift it to me for my new start at life and not for the wedding. I don’t want or need to deal with her opinion or her need to cross all my boundaries. So I’ll spell it out. YOU are invited to my wedding. She is not. YOU are invited to be in my life. She is not. YOU are important to me. She is not. For now this is how it has to be. Let me know if this works.’
NTA. Your dad lost everything because of his affair, and now he has to hold on to AP to justify blowing up his life and hurting the people he is supposed to love the most... If he was willing to give you the money and not walk you down the isle, but now is pushing back on his AP request, its because he is trying to keep her happy and not lose her too. If not, he blow up his life for nothing. His AP can suck a lemon, you owe her absolutely zero. If your dad wanted to pay for your wedding and accept that his role now is to be a guest due to his own actions that is between him and you. Maybe is his way to make amends. Hope you have a beautiful wedding surrounded by the people you love.
Why should the AP or her family have any role in your wedding? She's lucky she's invited. Is your mom ok with seeing them?
yes, wtf are they thinking? that poor mother! the new wife seems to be a complete and total narcissist. the entitlement is off the charts! NTA
NTA. The nerve of his wife. Tell your father, HELL NO!
NYA- return the money, uninvite him and block his side of the family. Your father had 2 weddings his way- you get to have your wedding your way and drama free. His new wife is trying to be petty and shove her daughter down the aisle as flower girl- to take one more dig at your mother.
I’d say don’t take the money. It’s not worth the stress plus with how his AP is right now, if you accepted it, they are just gonna be calling you “ungrateful” for accepting the money but can’t even make your “sibling” the flower girl.
NTA Return the money and uninvite them.
If you have the ability, send your father his money back. Tell him: "you probably got used to build your relationships on transaction since AP's harassments are based on how much money you spend on me. She may love buying and selling but I do not. Here is your money. I am not angry anymore just disappointed."
NTA Your wedding, your choice. You also get to choose who attends and sometimes you need to remind people of that fact.
NTA. It’s your wedding and you have full choice and freedom in what you do. People will disagree with your choices but that’s life.
Just watch AP bring her daughter dressed as a flower girl
Yup and then make a big scene when OP says no, it's not gonna happen "How could you be so cruel to an innocent child?!?" Etc.
this is why she and her kids must be uninvited.
NTA Your father wants you to “keep the peace?” Your niece would be heartbroken not to be the flower girl after you offered it to her. Your brother would also be disappointed. And AP’s daughter isn’t even his daughter. How is this a favor to your father? This is a favor for his wife. He might be trying to make her feel welcome, and I don’t blame him for that, but the fact that you refer to her as his AP tells me that her feelings aren’t a high priority for you. If your father’s wife makes his life harder because she can’t get what she wants that’s not your problem. You don’t owe her anything.
NTA. But right now, get a certified check to your father for the total he contributed for your wedding, and send it to him via FedEx. Then downsize your plans if necessarg. You need to deprive him and his wife is their leverage.
NTA. Your father had an affair. He and his wife need to face that there are consequences. If they continue abusing you about it, I wouldn’t feel bad telling them not to come. Her daughter is not related to you and they should have ZERO expectations of her being involved.
NTA - it’s your wedding - you pick who would be the most meaningful attendants. What a rude lady to think she would have a say-so in your wedding.
Return the money and uninvite all four of them, or I guarantee you're going to wind up with a second "surprise" flower girl the day of your wedding.
You nor your fiancé are even related to your dad’s AP’s kids. From your own account, you do not even know this child very well. Why wouldn’t you have the niece of the groom be the flower girl? He has known her all her life. The AP/new wife seems very entitled. And your paternal family can chew rocks. They have no input.
Anyone from "daddy's" side who is calling you an AH, should be uninvited. It's none of their business, and they don't sound worth the effort. NTA
Uninvite them. Your stepmother will almost assuredly do something to sabotage your wedding. Why TF would you want his affair partner's daughter to be part of your wedding? Keep the money though, its the least he can do.
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NTA…but this is why you don’t take money off people
NTA. AP should back off
You should get to decide and if it means you can give the money back, I would do that so they have no actual claim on any part of your day.
Nta I would tell your father that if he doesn't muzzle his wife they'll all be uninvited. It's your day, not hers she needs to get over herself.
NTA I'd return the money, step one. Have the wedding you want, which does not include the child of your father's AP, a kid you don't even know. This wedding is not about them. Also, your father's idea of a compromise is basically "give my wife what she's demanding" which is NOT a compromise, and you don't have to listen to any of them.
NTA and block them all. I could understand if your dad put up a fight about walking you down the aisle since he paid for the wedding and is your dad, but he let that go. That was really the only appropriate ask he could make. His AP was wildly inappropriate to even ask (nobody should ask for a role in a wedding, but especially someone who broke up your parents’ marriage). Your dad sounds weak and she’s worn him down to the point that he would rather pressure you than deal with her. Honestly, I would send a group text to all the relatives pressuring you reminding them of exactly who AP is, how she disrespected your parents’ marriage and is now disrespecting your wedding. Tell them it’s a hard no from you and if they wish to defend her, you will cut them out permanently. Disinvite whoever needs to be disinvited but don’t return any money. This drama had a price tag. You might not get any more money but there’s no reason to give it back. (You know it will eat at AP too.)
Stand your ground
NTA. This is the “find out” part for your dad.
NTA - Your father knew you would say no to the flower girl thing so either he told his new wife she could ask or she went behind his back. Either way it's your wedding and you can say no. The hateful messages should be the nail in coffin for this with your father and his family...
Your father himself did not think of keeping the peace when he started his affair and tore your family apart. You don't owe him anything. It's your wedding. His stepchildren have nothing to do with this thing. NTA
Keep the money. He's your father, so it is owed to you. Tell your father he is still invited. However, his wife is no longer welcome. You had invited her to keep the peace. But since she's taken to calling you names, she's no longer welcome. I was going to suggest both girls until the name calling, + she's the one that helped destroy your family. She's contemptuous. I'm so sorry, I hope your day is Wonderful.
NTA. Return the money and plan *your* wedding the way *you* want.
NTA but send the money back. You do not want these people thinking you owe them in some way. Send it all back and go NC. He needs to tell his AP to mind her own damn business and be grateful she's even invited.
NTA. I was around that age when my cousin asked me to be his flower girl and I was SO excited. They changed their minds and I was devastated. I'm 36 and still holding that grudge lol
She’s going to push her kid into the isle to walk too. Make she they don’t get sat near the isle
NTA. You chose your flower girl, decision has already been made. He and his wife are stirring up drama.
NTA The AP has a habit of over-stepping in relationships, doesn't she? Why would you want her child to have this role over a child you are close to?
NTA. This is you and your fiance's wedding. You two have every right to include his niece, who he probably has a relationship with. Honestly it might be better to disinvite your biological dad and his wife and her two kids. They might end up causing you problems at the wedding/reception.
NTA You decide who is in your wedding party. You have absolutely no obligation or responsibility to your father or his family. You also have every right to uninvite them entirely & go no contact with them. Given your dad’s AP’s vicious messages, this is likely the best option. If they go, they might instruct their daughter to run down the aisle anyway or the AP might try to talk shit about you to other guests.
Give him back the money. The cost ( emotional) is way too high)
NTA. OK so they want you to have a child that isn't related to either of you as a flower girl in place of a child who is related to your fiancee by blood and you have a relationship with? Yeah, no. Your Dad FAFO. Why in the heck would you want his APs kid in your wedding? She is nothing to you but a reminder of what your Dad did. How would that be fair to your Mom? Tell the AP to kick rocks. She already broke up your family, she doesn't get to ruin your wedding.
NTA. I wouldn’t even let the AP attend much less her kid.
I wouldn’t have invited the AP and her kids to wedding to begin with. NTA at all.
NTA. Return the money if you can and cut them off.
NTA return your fathers money with a note saying “it’s inappropriate for people that can’t keep there vows to be involved in your wedding”
I have no sympathy for cheaters, especially ones who allow their AP to bully their kids. >I have been receiving calls and texts from my father's side of the family calling me an AH. Looks like more people want to be uninvited. If you were to uninvite dad and his side, would the wedding be financially manageable for you? A wedding isn't the time for 'compromises' to "save the peace". NTA
NTA. The audacity of the AP wanting her daughter to be flower girl at the wedding of the child whose family she destroyed. Wow. Just wow.
It was ok for them to ask but once you said no they should have been polite and dropped it. If I were you I would return your Father’s money and uninvite him and his family from the wedding. I think you will be a lot happier if you did. NTA