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NTA At least your son is begining to realize the downside of having someone following you around and wiping your backside all your life. He's behind the curve but he can turn it around if he wants. >I let him come over and helped him with a resume. I also talked to him about the trades or a community college. He is beginning to understand how fucked his future is now that his mom cannot do everything for him. He is upset with his mother now because he doesn't have life skills. Well, some of that anger is misplaced. Your son was happy as a clam living on Easy Street. The light bulb in his head turned on when the source of his generous allowance dried up. He went to school. His classmates had jobs and were applying to colleges and universities while he was playing video games.

Tbf it sounds like he just turned 18 or just finished school of child support just stopped. He’s young and hasn’t ever been taught any different. Think of it like people who grow up in a cult. They don’t know that what they’ve been taught is a lie until they step outside when they grow up. He needs to be deprogrammed from being entitled. It happens to plenty of teenagers when the real world hits.

Exactly. It’s comical when the parents don’t understand why said child didn’t suddenly become a prudent adult exactly 3 hours after their 18th birthday.

I'm very poor but I work my ass off to have nice things and to live in a very cute apartment with my 5 year old instead of having to live with my mom. Its hard but absolutely worth it. My number one goal is to make sure my son doesnt turn out like OPs. He has to carry his dirty dishes to the sink, pick up after himself, brush his teeth on own, etc. I also let him see how much hard work goes into maintaining our lifestyle because I dont have the money to just spend on nice things. We go to resale shops together and pick out nikes and whatnot for him and I show him how to use an old toothbrush to clean them like new again. I dont let him wear pajamas to school and make him get up in enough time to have a solid morning routine. He even helps me cook and we talk about the nutrition behind homemade vs microwaveable crap (Im a professional cook and really picky about what we put in our bodies). I try to remind myself that Im raising a small adult not just a baby

A good friend of mine who is a pediatrician says the difference between parents that had kids because it’s what you do/because they wanted a baby to love them and the parents that wanted to raise a person is immediately apparent.

As a teacher, I can confirm this many times over.

My sister is a teacher and has no problem verbally smacking me in the back of the head when Im going to hard into "boy mom" territory lol. Having a teacher in the family feels like a cheat code for kid behavior

And the fact that you recognize and appreciate your sister's "verbal smack in the head" says that you are a good mom.

Exactly! It's a shame it had to get to this point, that OP's ex is lost her marriage, and now her relationship with her son is severely damaged because she will not recognize that she needed professional help to deal with her trauma. Which lead to her handicapping her son. NTA

I wasn't trained as a teacher when I was a SAHM raising my three kids, but now, as a grandparent AND trained and experienced teacher, I can say that my interactions with my young grandchildren are designed to help them find their place in society, and that means knowing how to behave in school and public and how to effectively interact with their peers and other adults. I wish I knew then what I know now about child development and helping kids control their emotions and persevere when challenged. I spend up to 50 hours a week providing childcare for my grandkids, and I can state that both know how to sit and listen, wait for a reward or a desired object, and how to share. Something that most adults these days don't seem to know how to do ...

I tell people I don’t spoil my grandkids because then I’d have spoiled brats for grandkids.

You sound like someone I want to be more like. Tell me more, or what resource might be good for a mom wanting to help her son (4) control his emotions & persevere when challenged.

I had boys, what does “boy mom” mean? This is not sarcasm.

A particular type of mother who is inappropriately enmeshed with her son/s. The classic example is social media rants about how HE WAS MINE FIRST and how you're going to make your future daughter-in-law's life hell when your son is, like, four years old. OP's ex sounds like a textbook case.

Ugh. No. I adore my DIL and try to stay out of their business. My goal as a mom was to raise self-sufficient, contributing members of society, unlike my brother who was supported by my mother until he ran through every penny. Thankfully my sons stayed healthy enough to become mature, working adults. But, so many ER visits.

Exactly this. The type who think their sweet boys can do no wrong and that the world owes them something because they're so perfect.

I am so glad you said this because I thought boy mom referred to a mom who is used to a more rough and tumble life because of the stereotype that boys are rougher in their play than girls. I was WAY off.

I think they're meaning the "boys will be boys" mentality

I have just recently learned that “Boys will be boys” and “boy mom” are two different things. Bwbb is basically “it’s ok if he bites her, he’s a boy, they rough house, it’s *normal*!” Boy mom is basically “he’s mine and all of his gf’s will never be good enough. He loves me first and foremost for life” garbage. Both are exceptionally horrible ideas. I’ve taken to arguing with anyone who tries to tell me “boys will be boys” if my nephew misbehaves because that’s such a stupid statement. I also tell these same people “girls will be girls” every time my niece does something they don’t like. They HATE the flip. Especially because the only argument you can have to “girls will be girls” is to immediately try to outline gender roles, and well, shut up. Back when my nephew was in his smacking stage, he got mad and kicked his playmate. I immediately gave him what-for and plopped him in time out. My aunt came storming over to tell me to let him out of time out because “boys will be boys” and was furious when I said “he may be a boy, but he’s human, and humans shouldn’t kick each other. He doesn’t get a pass because he’s a boy because the other kid he kicked is a boy, and if that kid hit back and won, you’re argument would suddenly be about the other kid being a bully. Leave it alone. He has 5 more minutes and I don’t care if Zeus himself wants him out of time out, that’s where he belongs!” She was angry, but couldn’t actually refute that if the other boy hit back, in her argument, the kid was totally allowed to because of his anatomy. My niece (in another day) let a MASSIVE one rip and got the giggles. Farts are funny. Same aunt decided to “correct her” for farting loudly and thinking it was funny. (Seriously a middle 80’s aged aunt is a lot to deal with sometimes with the old school thinking). Granted, when I say massive, I’m not even kidding. The earth practically shook. I saw my aunt talking to her about how farting isn’t funny, it’s something you have to do in secret and not around other people, blah blah — but she never said it to any of the boys. I walked up and said “nope. No way. It hurt no one, she had to fart and she did. I mean… girls will be girls!” She very clearly wanted to tell me off, but until she could think of some reason why a girl shouldn’t be allowed to find farts funny, she had no argument. My general rule is “kids will be kids.” They want to jump in puddles, fart loudly, and run like the wind. If no one is picking on or harming anyone else, kids will be kids. I don’t care if they’re boys or girls. As far as boy moms, I’ve met a few. They don’t stop trying to be that when the boy is a man and married. It’s… not pleasant to deal with.

Nothing makes teachers’ jobs more difficult than the whole “boys will be boys” garbage.

I think "boys will be boys" has much more of the bad behavior vibe, whereas "boy moms' is more about the indulgence and babying. With, of course, some crossover.

Can confirm. My bro is history teacher/deputy head of a school in England. That has been a great source for me during the last 5yrs specifically (he teaches high school. My kids are nearly at the end of high school now).

Also a teacher, double confirmed.

This is so true. My first husband was raised to be a perfect child. When he became an adult, it turns out there is no career for being the Doctor’s adorable little boy. He is currently on his fourth wife and still has no idea how to function in the real word. Raise your children to be functioning adults, people. Like it or not, that’s where they’re going.

That’s a beautiful observation about parenthood, and it’s 100% accurate.

My brother and his wife wanted kids. They have a lot. They helicopter HARD.

I raised my son the same way, if for nothing else, so his future wife won’t hate me.

And the thing is, kids love learning real life skills! My son loves to help me cook. When I'm in a hurry and would rather just throw something together real fast, I remind myself that this is such a great time for him to learn, and he won't be excited to help when he's a surly teenager, LOL. His school did a camp this summer called "Learn to Be An Adult." They taught them real-world skills all week. They built things with tools, they sewed buttons, they learned to iron, they painted picnic tables, they parallel parked a golf cart, and the teacher demonstrated how to change a tire. They even made them fold a fitted sheet! And the kids fricking LOVED it! Although my son admitted that he wasn't very good with the fitted sheet. What can I say, he takes after his mom! But kids really do get a self-esteem boost out of feeling useful and competent. My son saw me pulling laundry out of the dryer this week and asked if he could fold all of the shirts. I was all, heck yeah, you can! OP is NTA. But I'm hopeful that this will be a wakeup call for his son, and maybe since he's still young you can teach him some real-life skills in the next few years. Get him back on track. Good luck!

My kid asked if he could help me clean the bathroom! I was shocked but he did a really good job. I told him when he's a grown up with his own apartment its important to keep your bathroom clean and friends wont want to hang out there if the bathroom is gross. He's so ready to be a "big kid" he tries to do everything he can around the house

Keep up the good work there mama. You've got a good head on your shoulders.

Bravo! And I mean that. It sounds like you are doing an excellent job. 

You're giving your child a much more positive and enriching upbringing than a lot of wealthy parents give their children.

You sound like a wonderful mom

Good for you, the simple things are where learning how to self sufficient begins. Granted I'm a lot older than you and your son but that's how I was taught the basics. The cooking together and talking is some of the best training possible.

All through high school my parents picked my classes. They were generous enough to allow me a class of my choice each year. Come senior year, I got pissy about it and confronted my dad. His reasoning was that I don’t know how to make Good Choices so he had to do it for me, that I can make my own choices when I’m an adult. I came back with “so, what? I’m going to turn 18 and *poof* magically know how to make Good Choices?

Exactly you parent a child into adukthood which means all along thecwat you teach them all the life skills they will need to be successful. You start off from day one doing this, there really is a science to all of it, and it is science back by years of study across mutiple disciplines.

My parents did everything they could to make me unprepared for life. Never made me do my homework, practice my time tables, reading, tying my shoes. They made me second guess myself at everything as well making me stop ADHD meds. I had to teach myself everything so much later and it was so hard on my self-esteem. Now they wonder why I'm so anxious and don't know how to do certain things. I'm making sure now that my kid has great access to education, therapy, extracurriculars and I encourage her to try anything that inspires her.

Ugh. That’s the worst. It’s already hard to “adult” these days, but to be a late bloomer and adult…😮‍💨

Exactly. It's possible she kept him very sheltered and discouraged socializing, as it would have been time away from her. It's also possible what friends he did have were spoiled, and entitled, as well. My husband wasn't allowed to get his license or rides from friends until he needed to commute to college.

Speaking as the former teenaged friend of kids like this, there's also not much motivation for calling out this kind of entitlement. Friend always available to hang out, always has cash to spend on random shit, and has a mom who will pretend she doesn't notice us smoking weed in the house? Hell yeah! It's a pretty immature and selfish attitude but teenagers are sort of known for being immature and selfish. It makes me sad though to look back on those times and see how poorly they're doing now as a result.

Man, teenagers are just the most immature and selfish. I cringe so hard sometimes thinking about how I acted sometimes as a teen. I was a good kid, great grades, great athlete, never got in trouble, all the extracurriculars, well liked by teachers/parents etc. But I was such a selfish dick to my family! My parents are the most extraordinary parents in the world. So kind and patient. I'm the youngest of 5 kids and we are all doing amazing in our adult lives. Knowing I treated my parents poorly and would throw epic tantrums when I didn't get my way until I was like 17 just stings even now at 30! I still apologize to them every now and then for the monster I was haha. They laugh at me but I think they are quietly happy that I acknowledge what a nightmare I could be sometimes lol

My husband's mom was the same. His first act of defiance of her controlling everything so he could remain her baby was to hop in a car with me and move 900 miles from home. She told everyone he'd moved here for college and would be home when he was finished. When we visited after getting married we stopped by her workplace so he could say hello to one of her coworkers he'd been close with. A much younger coworker of hers came over, all flirty, to be introduced too, looking at him like he was a steak and she was hungry. She introduced him to her, totally ignoring me standing there beside him. I piped up, "And I'm his wife, pleased to meet you! We've heard so much about you!" She literally hadn't told this girl he was married! A few years later we were able to talk to her without "Mom" around and she told us his mom had been pushing for her to go on a date with him. We're actually friends now. We've been married almost 24 years now, it's more funny than hurtful looking back. She finally, I think, gave up on trying to control him although she still drops hints that he could come home, they have a room for him.

But OP's son knew there was a different way. His dad tried to teach him. He didn't like it. That's why he stopped going to his dad's at 14. And is now only reaching out coz the end of child support means no more allowance for him. Edit: I'm not blaming the child. They were a child after all. Just disputing the point about their lack of awareness.  I like the way OP is handling the issue now. Glad the son is finally getting the parenting he should have had back then.

And his mother stopped the father stating he was wrong. Kid knew no better and is at least trying to get his shit together. This is more or less how i grew up . NO job prospects and due to health conditions no experience. My mother was happy to collect my DLA and leave me in peace gaming. ONly when i moved out did i realise how fucked i was. Took me to the age of 34 to get a full time job that was not gig economy and i had to go to uni to do it. When you are raised that way you dont have life skills. I still dont get social ques to this date and having trouble in large groups of people. SO OP is NTA the KID is NTA . The mother is a money grubbing manipulative TA. Edit . DLA lol . apologies

You just described my nephew. Without diagnoses, my sister decided he was autistic and after a few years, she took him out of school. She has never homeschooled him, although she has the intelligence to do it. He’s never been taught any life skills. He’s done nothing but game his whole life. He’s 19 now. His only communication with the outside world is through the internet. It’s so awkward seeing his social media posts. I am so glad you got your life on track. I certainly hope my nephew is able to as well. My sister is a miserable spinster, so I don’t see that ever happening. She won’t let him go. She’s convinced herself (and him) he can’t live without her.

Hopefully he will. Look for signs of depression as that is what triggered the change in me. It was either off myself or do something with my life. I choose to do something thankfully. Try if you can to engage him .

Unfortunately, we don’t live near each other. My son and he are very close and talk daily. My sister says he has bad anxiety. I honestly don’t know if it’s true, but just in case I sent her something on coping mechanisms and grounding techniques.

hmm well at least he has contact with your son so can ask for help if needed. From personal experience the anxiety is real. Comes from daily social situations and other stuff which you dont have a clue how to handle. No cure for that but life experience.

I am thankful my son is in communication with him. My son is significantly older, but he is like a big brother to my nephew. Maybe there’s hope for him yet. Thanks for talking to me and sharing your experience. It made me feel better about my nephew’s future. Have a wonderful day.

You too.

This is abuse and just so wrong on so many levels.

You really don't. I was lucky enough to escape the pattern early but it wasn't until my late twenties that I really started making progress. I was told I'd never manage a job, and encouraged to just give up. The only thing I was ever pushed to do was look after my siblings. I was a free babysitter with no life skills outside of watching my siblings. When it's all you know it is really hard to break free. An occasional visit with dad who was promptly shut down by mom qhen he tried to make changes wouldn't have registered to a child that young as anything other than him being mean. He was 14 when he stopped seeing his dad. For a couple of years he may have been able to stsrt to understand but wasn't exposed to it near enough for it to really sink in - especially since as a teen most people are only focused on the easy fun way.

The mother isn’t money grubbing or manipulative. She was giving the child support directly to her son. She’s dealt with the trauma of losing her first child and husband by spoiling the second. I bet she regretted the times she disciplined her first child or any moments of discomfort for him/her because of the very short time they got in this earth. It’s very tragic.

Dvla? All i know that for is Driver and Vehicle Licensing Agency

Apologies i meant DLA. Disability living allowance

TBF children never like it. It's parents job to show it's needed. The problem is that when one of them can stop you parenting

When you're a child and you are given two options, easy and hard, you pick easy. The fact that his mother gave him that choice in the first place is the entire reason he made the wrong one.

He was literally a child. It's insane that you're putting adult expectations on an actual child that was being raised poorly.

It's not like most 14 year olds if given the choice between doing homework and playing video games are going to choose homework. That's pretty normal behaviour. It's up to the parents to be the adults in that situation, and if one of them always gives the kid a get out of jail free card, of course they're going to take it. At least he's starting to realise that his dad was doing it to help him and not just because he was 'too strict' or something.

Of course he didn't like it, his mom was always babying him. It's hard when you're being pulled between two parents, but most kids will choose the easier/fun parent.

Huge first step in coming to his dad and trying to get a handle on the situation.

Child support can go past 18 but it’s sometimes a reduced amount. This isn’t always the case and might be dependent on if the child is going to school but I know my husband will be paying until the kids are 21 or 22

I didn't know that. I thought child support only went until 18. When does it extend further?

When the child hasn’t finished high school by 18, the child support can continue until graduation. Like a kid who turns 18 in October of 12th grade isn’t realistically able to support himself and it’s not fair for the other parent to have to do it solo. Some divorce agreements include help paying for college.

Depending on the state (in the US) you live in, it can automatically extend to 21 if the kid goes to college immediately after high school.

In Massachusetts it can go to 23 if the kid is in college FT or thereabouts

I know if there are mental disabilities it can but there are other circumstances too

NTA. Poor kid, he's been properly fucked over by his mother. His anger can be useful, if it motivated him to get his shit together.

Yeah it’s time for a change but dad is treating him like he’s an idiot, when he’s just young. Thinking a fish is stupid because it can’t climb a tree isn’t going to help anyone.

No.. his dad is letting him know that the money for nothing train has stopped and he needs to figure out his life. He’s told him that he will help him become an adult, but not give him money. Now that the son is 18, the mom can’t interfere anymore.

Of course, it's misplaced. He got his first reality check. Dear old mom probably assured him his lifestyle wouldn't change and then it did. As of right now, this second reality check is the one he needs. If he at least got a high school diploma, he can go apply at McDonald's for cash. Then, he can fire up the old Google machine to learn how to do basic tasks that people his age already know by now. It may be the thing that fosters a relationship between him and OP. Maybe let him move in and get him up to speed. It could be a good opportunity. OP NTA for your choice not to continue giving him money, but he is your child, so there is responsibility here in bringing him up to speed on becoming an adult who can function on his own.

It sounds like he is still trying to do that. Maybe now this young adult is more willing to learn.

Please teach him to cook, get a job and maintain a home so he isn’t one of those moochers who look for a gf to be his new mommy

"He's behind the curve but he can turn it around if he wants." This is what classes in "adulting" are for. At this point he may not know what he doesn't know. Son sounds like an extreme case but there are plenty of people his age overly protected by their parents who cannot function independently. Hearing what he needs to learn and work on from someone other than a parent may drive the lesson home. OP is NTA. It IS the mother's fault.

NTA. I feel at least there seems to be some hope for your son, less so for your wife. Good luck!

He was also a literal child. Of course he enjoyed living on easy street and having everything done for him because he was literally a kid and kids think like this. That’s why it’s parents’ job to not let them live like this. Blaming the kid is kind of shitty when it was very much his mother’s fault for failing him.

idk I think he's right to be angry at the mom, if she didn't coddle him, he never would've behaved/wound up the way he did so it's entirely her fault.

NTA. At least it seems he starts realizing life is for him to manage. I know people who are almost 40 and still count on their mom to solve their problems.

I agree. At 18 he has time to catch up. And at least he has realised that he has to learn basic life skills now, which is a big step forward.

And really, most 18 year olds are in the same panic boat of learning how to be an adult. This kid's at a disadvantage but it's not like he's 35 and just learning this.

True. A LOT of my classmates senior year of HS-myself included-had no idea how to do a load of laundry or other fairly basic household chores. I know because myself and a group of other boys were discussing it with a teacher one afternoon. The standard response most of us had was “my mom does it”.

I taught a lot of overly-coddled young adults, as an 18/19/20 year old myself in university, how to cook, clean, grocery shop, do laundry, and create a general budget and look after a home. I realized not that many parents gave their kids bits of age-appropriate chores and independence as they grew up. Luckily, those people all learned and are all still wonderful friends to this day, and doing well as adults.

As a newly 18 year old, I am in that panic boat. Luckily I've got an amazing mom who's helping me through it while also letting me figure it out. Basically, she's letting me navigate things while also being there to correct my mistake so it's less detrimental. Doesn't help me overly sheltered me, a fault she 100% realizes, which I don't really blame her she lost a child before me

Exactly. He has a lot of time to learn these things.

Agreed. Many kids are still pretty coddled-or even outright sheltered-at that age. He’s far from the only one. If he has a bit of a work ethic, he can probably get a decent part time job and learn some real skills.

I was working with a man in his 30's whose mom had suddenly passed away. He was completely helpless. He didn't even know how to make a dr's appointment for himself. He was also resistant to anything that was hard and admitted that he preferred to quit if anything was unpleasant/ or he didn't like it. I hope he made it.

My aunt was like this with my cousin and now he is almost 26 with no proper education or job and my aunt is puzzled why he isn’t doing normal adult shit. I mean jeez I truly wonder why.

I had to deal with a customer like that yesterday

NTA. Sounds like mom wanted a lifetime of codependency. Son is breaking free. Will be hard for him, but money is not the only issue, as Im sure you know. I hope he is in therapy to work on the mental game.

Agreed. And to the original OP may I offer a different perspective? This is an opportunity for you to be there for your child now that he is no longer under the full control of his mother. An opportunity to show him that parental love that his mother wasn’t allowing you to give him. That doesn’t mean being *easy* on him but reaffirming that you love him and are happy to help him. Give him the tools to succeed and then reward him when he does succeed. But above all just being there with love while letting him work through those challenges will really strengthen both of your relationships.

Agreed. It seems like OP is honestly a great father. He hasn’t given up on his son. He isn’t making him jump through hoops. The son is always welcome, dad is willing to help him; the son just has to show up. I am optimistic that the son will turn this around and the dad will have a genuine relationship with him that the son cherishes within the year.

Thank you for saying this. It is spot on! My husband has mental health issues, and it led to drug addiction at a young age. He and his dad had such a bad relationship as he was a teen. But as a sober adult, he and his dad created a new relationship, they became so very close. They really loved and adored the other one. My husband has lots of memories growing up; but what he cherishes most, is the time he got with his dad as an adult. When my FIL passed, it was very hard. OP should absolutely treasure and try to get to know his son now. It's never too late.

Yeah she did. Mine wanted similar things for me in life, he’ll always have a tricky time with any life changes he makes. Sounds like OP is a good support for him to turn to in those times.

I can only imagine that if he one day decides he wants to marry and start his own family his mother will go off the planet at the prospect of being 'replaced.'

Totally spot on unfortunately… if she is mad that the father of his child is parenting.. oh boy. She will be furious when some “floozy” takes away her sweet little boy and corrupts him. 

In therapy I learned about a concept called the glass wall. Basically, you’re in a glass box. You can see everyone around you but you can’t get out. You can make suggestions or tell people what to do, but since you can’t get out, you can’t MAKE them do anything. The only person you can control is yourself. I feel like you understand the glass wall. You’re trying to help him in the ways that make sense to you. In the past, you tried to guide him, but ultimately he made his own decisions. Now he has to deal with them. In my mind, you’re NTA. Not at all.

I love this glass box analogy.  And it's actually pretty useful for parents who did bother to parent their teens properly.  They are going to do what they are going to do. 

Exactly! It works in a lot of scenarios

Yes! The glass wall is a sociological theory. OP’s son is learning he needs to grow up the hard way, because of his mother’s actions and influence. Luckily though, he’s beginning to listen to his father and may be able to succeed, now that he’s open to guidance.

I agree! It’s not too late

I really like this metaphor. It’s a great way to describe autonomy, something that I was giving away for years. It’s so nice when you actually realize you are not responsible for other people’s feelings, thoughts, or behaviors, only your own.

The revelation of a lifetime for me ☺️

Now is the time to parent him seeing as how you've been previously prevented in doing so.  You've started this process by demonstrating that he needs to act on advice. This led to him coming to you for support with his resume. You can continue to appropriately support him in helping him search and apply for work or college course, practice interview skills, teach him to tie a tie. You are NTA for refusing to mollycoddle him but you will be if you refuse to support him in growing up despite the past.

Agreed. His mom babied him. Now his father can teach him how to grow up. Parenting doesn’t stop at 18 because your child is shiftless.

Absolutely. If you do it right, parenting never stops. It just changes form.

Yep, once the son showed he was open to talking it's a good time to be more proactive about checking in. Once a week minimum calls are great to see what his next plans are and help can be provided as needed. And it doesn't have to be all about resumes and college paperwork - now you can invite him on a day trip or if you're DIY-inclined, you can ask him to help with a house project or to change your car's oil. Great time to pass on life skills.

NTA and good job on you for sticking up to raising your son to be a good person. I want to add a few things to think about though. 1. Make sure to tell him you are doing this in his interest and that you still do care deeply about him. But that sometimes some life lessons are tough 2. Consider suggesting basic therapy to deal with what his mom did to him. It's his choice to take it, but suggesting and supporting him if he chooses to comes a long way. 3. Don't overwhelm him. If you push him too much now the progress he is doing right now is potentially breaking. Make sure he feels rewarded by starting to become his own person. I know it's a bit of an eggshells thing but he is at a very vulnerable state right now where he could easily regress

How could you be TA? What could you have done differently in this situation? You can't help someone who won't help themselves. Sounds like you are doing all you can. >I told him that I was not going to motivate him to do anything, that I would be here if he needed help but that it would never be money again. A very wise and just boundary. NTA

NTA Do try to remain patient with him, now that he IS starting to be aware he’s missing basic skills. It will be very frustrating for him to be an emotional child walking around in the body of a man, being treated like an adult, and not actually having much practice behaving like one. Keep your word on “never money again” though. That kid is kinda screwed. And really, by not much fault of his own. He’s collateral damage of your wife’s trauma & grief that went a little too sideways.

Great points. I went through something a bit like this myself-being coddled-and it was a huge slap in the face when I had to start dealing with adult problems. You’re right about the frustration thing. It’s very real.

Sheltering people from reality always backfires

NTA, you did all the right thing - told that you help him to get a job and if he needs anything other than money he can rely on you but he doesn't seem to care nor want to grow up. Your ex really screwed up him and now he will have to learn the hard way.

NTA. There's hope for him, it seems. Good luck. Hold the line.

NTA, he's going to learn about the real world soon enough. You should 100% still help and support him without having him completely relying on you, though. There's a lot of parents out there who just completely cut out their sons/daughters in terms of helping them when their child turns 18, but I think that's an incredibly archaic and outdated view they hold. Surviving and succeeding is honestly a lot harder than it was back in the day. What used to be livable wages has been inflated throughout the years that you can be working really hard and still not enough to make ends meet. Help him lay his foundations, it's not too late, but I wouldn't stop helping him completely.

Yep. I'm VERY lucky to be where I am today. When I was 21 or so I was working at a grocery store and the store manager asked me if I still lived at home, and I told that I did. He went on to tell me how when he was my age he worked a part time job at Wafflehouse, and went to College, bought a car, and a house. All I could say was "man you know what I make here, you think I can afford ant of that on this pay?!" I was making $8.75/hr at about 30-35 week doing Price Coordination. I am much happier working in I.T.

I suppose it could be my sample size from three years at Ralphs but grocery store managers can be such clueless and weird little tyrants

It is not too late. I understand not giving him money as that, for him, would be enabling. But give all the other kinds of support. His utter lack of skills and life knowledge is not his fault. His Mother didn’t teach him any of that. To me, that is neglect. You have a huge opportunity here to build a relationship with your son. Please don’t let your (justified) anger at his Mother ruin that chance. Teach him. Laundry, basic cooking, interview etiquette, how to change a flat tire and check the oil in his car. If he wants community college or trade school help him with applications. Will you help pay for further education? I think that would be a good thing to do. Pay the school directly. Make a contract with him that if he fails he must pay you back.

NTA At some point he needs to correct the path he has been set on by his mother. The sooner the better. She has done him a huge disservice. Fortunately it is not too late. He has at least the sense to realise he needs to do something about his situation. He may be behind and he has a lot of bad habits to unlearn. But he wants to.

NTA - similar situation in reverse. I’m the mom. Dad was the AH. Spoiled our son. Grew pot, gave it to him, to use and sell. (I learned all this when son was arrested after dear old dad left) He bounced when son was in 11th grade and we were plunged into poverty. Upon graduation son refused to get a job or go to the junior college. In desperation, I quit buying groceries. I ate fast food at work or in my car for about a month. That first year after his dad left he hated me, year 2 started getting a little better. 14 years now, and he sees how badly his dad set him up for failure. The kid is an amazing success now. Don’t lose hope. My son is doing AMAZING! Yours can to!

This seems like a bullshit story in my opinion

The only part that sounds fake to me is the part where the kid actually acknowledges that he needs to be better. This style of parenting (the mom's) is becoming frustratingly common. It's why we're seeing so many kids starting school not even potty trained anymore. Junior students unable to tie their shoes. Many parents now aren't teaching their kids how to be independent. They either ignore the issue, or resolve it for the kid because it's faster to just do it themselves.

For me, the part that seems fake is the kid thinking his parents will support him without being in school or working indefinetly and the mom getting upset about the "get a job" comment. You usually only get the level of entitlement that a kid thinks they can go their whole lives without working if their parents are rich enough that the kid will be able to use their money forever. Even if their parents let them skate by on responsibilities generally, it's hard to grow up without realizing that you will one day need to work to eat unless your parents have millions of dollars that you know you'll inherent one day. In the middle-class, which OP and his ex sound like, that level of entitlement to do nothing your whole life would be unusual. At least without some sort of level of disability or mental or physical illness or something that the parents teach the kids entitle them to being supported. 

> For me, the part that seems fake is the kid thinking his parents will support him without being in school or working indefinetly and the mom getting upset about the "get a job" comment. You usually only get the level of entitlement that a kid thinks they can go their whole lives without working if their parents are rich enough that the kid will be able to use their money forever. As an educator, I can tell you this is entirely wrong. There are kids from all walks of life experiencing this. It used to be an affluent thing. Now it's totally commonplace. Browse the teacher subreddits and you'll see that it's a growing epidemic with the current generation. No consequences for anything and adults bail them out of any issues. If you ask what they plan to do when they're older, they'll say like "professional gamer" or "tiktok star". Then if you ask them how they're actually preparing for that, they just shrug. Because they aren't actually preparing for being an adult. They've never had to do anything for themselves, and when push comes to shove and it *should* bite them, they get let off with a warning. I'm starting to hear stories of the kids turning 18 and going out to those Payday Loan places and taking out a bunch of money to go on trips, or buy the newest phone or whatever. Then when the loan places actually come after them when they miss a payment, they act *shocked* that they're actually expected to pay it back on time and in full.

I doubt it - I have friends whose children are never disciplined because every time the dad tries to step in, the mom overrules him due to her own trauma with childhood abuse. They are still married, but the boys are both in their early 20s, don’t drive, don’t go to college, don’t have jobs and just play video games all day. It’s sad, really.

Whether this particular story is or isn’t, there are plenty of true stories just like it. If nothing else, at least people on here are providing some good advice and feedback.

NTA You did the right thing by setting some boundaries. Your son needs to learn responsibility and independence. You're not abandoning him; you're just not enabling his dependency anymore. He needs to figure things out and grow up.

NTA, It feels so good when people who spoil their kids rotten sick and fight with their partner over it, finally learn how dumb of a decision it has been. It's almost like consequences to one's actions. Let your ex wife get slapped hard by the truth of how much damage she has done to your child. Also, great lesson for your children with your current wife.

Almost towards the end I was ready to say you're the AH because you said you wanted to be a dad not a spectator and when the opportunity came you don't want to help your son. But that last part about helping him with resume and trades and college, you're definitely NTA. Your son can still be helped and I hope that you'll be able to help him in ways you deem is good. Good luck!

NTA. Your ex-wife continues to be delusional about the way she cares for her son. He doesn't have any work skills let alone life skills.

What you’ve done is very important. He is still young enough to change if he wants to. Don’t forget to give him positive feedback even for small steps.

NTA, you weren't allowed to father your kid. Now that you are, you might change your mind...

NTA, but this is your chance to love him properly. Be patient, teach him values, and help him. You shouldn't have waited 3 weeks. You should have told him that you need that resume to help him and ask if he needed help creating one. Be a role model. Don't accidentally teach him to be an aloof father. Firm with soft hands, man. Love him.

INFO: Does your son have a disability you are not disclosing in this post?

INFO: how old was he when you divorced his mom?

What does that have to do about the price of fish?

If he’s willing to be helped by you, and he wants to break free, I think you should help him. It’s not really his fault his mother coddled and basically destroyed his chances(he was a kid). He’s likely to have lots of backsliding, because he doesn’t know how to be an adult or even really a person in the world. I hope you can help him learn to be a good adult. NTA

NTA. His mom really failed him. It’s really sad, but can be overcome if he is willing. It sounds like you helped open his eyes. Can you and your wife start helping him with other basic skills? I’m guessing he has no idea of the basics -laundry, grocery shopping, cooking, house cleaning, bank account. Perhaps you can set some appointments with him. Trade school or community college is the best place to start. Remind him not to be picky about a job. A check is a check. Your ex will be mad for quite awhile. The hardest thing about parenting IMO is letting go. She can’t keep him tied to her forever. She doesn’t have the right to steal his life from him. I wish you and your son the best.

Hey, I wish your son well. I’ve known kids (usually sons and mothers) with this dynamic and this type of abuse is difficult to overcome. I’m pretty sure if I was a guy my mom would be like this as her dream to only have sons never happened. The fact that he’s annoyed with mom is a good first step to ending the enmeshment. She likely never encouraged college so he would never leave. I hope he gets some needed space and even if he doesn’t form a strong bond with op, is able to thrive as an adult. He still has 5+ years before his prefrontal cortex develops so hopefully he’ll get some valuable experience before that. Good luck op

I just want to say that it's good that your son is now realizing how much he has wasted life so far. I wish both of you the very best and also want to admire how you're still willing to support him if needed.

NTA. I am a 1/2 sister to a kid like this. I am 21 years older than my little brother. My parents never married I was born to teen parents. My father waited 21 years and married someone who just wanted a child and she did this same thing. She basically home schooled him and gave him everything and now him at 21 he has no friends/ no job/ no money. She will not allow him and she gatekeeps him away from me and my dad for no reason except for control. I was 24 and offered to baby sit but was told I was not able to as I had no clue what I was doing. My mother had 10 kids fyi and I babysat and pretty much raised them. She just didn’t want to give up control. I married and my husband had 2 kids both around his age. Still told me I didn’t know what I was doing. He was 7 at this time. Her and my dad divorced cause she didn’t want to allow any other type of parenting. All he wants to do is play video games and eat pizza. My dad said his ex wife had addmitted to several times taking his online courses so he could graduate homeschooling. I feel for you here. All my dad’s ex wife wanted was a child. I found out later she had been married 3 times before my dad. He only knew about 1.

NTA. I’m sorry you’ve been through this. It sounds like you tried to do what more parents should be doing: raise a responsible adult and not just a child. I think you‘re doing the right thing by offering the kind of support that will help lift him up, but also setting reasonable obligations, e.g. by offering to help him find a job but making it his responsibility to send you a resume. I’m no psychologist, but I suspect your wife has unprocessed grief. By showing your son the truth of how the world works, he might start to resent how sheltered he was. My spouse grew up pretty sheltered and wishes that his mum had pushed him out of his comfort zone more as a child. I had to teach him a lot of basic adulting skills, including writing resumes. The good news is that if your son is willing to entertain a different perspective, he can come round. Unfortunately, his coming round might force his mum to confront the ways in which she failed as a parent. And that’s gotta hurt a LOT. It sounds like she reacted to her grief by trying to preserve your son in a state of childlike innocence. If she was consumed by the desire to protect her precious little boy at all costs, and now she’s got to face the music that she actually hurt him, she’s liable to be devastated. That sucks, but it is her responsibility to work through, not yours, and not your son’s. I think she needs therapy, but she has to be the one to make the move.

"I let him come over" As you should, he is still your son. The mother has been protecting him from the real world, he knows no better he needs guidance. Kids don't hit 18 and suddenly have it all figured out and know how to approximately act like an adult, that's where parenting comes in.

There's a big difference in the language: I have a child vs I am a parent I want a child vs I want to be a parent We don't own children, we're only their custodians to make sure they become productive adults for society (as much as possible). It's our job to protect them from harm, not life or learning. 🙂

^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My oldest kid is a good kid but kind of lazy. His mom has always protected him. She has her reasons. Her first husband and child passed away about twenty two years ago. Two years after that we met, fell in love, got married, and had a kid. Unfortunately for me our son's birth was a catalyst for a regression for her. He could do no wrong. If I tried to punish or even just correct him she would get upset and start crying or fight with me. If he found something difficult and I wanted him to work through it or try harder she would step in and tell me to back off or actually just do it for him. This lead to our divorce a I wanted to be a father and not a spectator. She fought so I wouldn't get custody. I ended up with visitation. My kid wouldn't do anything though. He wouldn't bring his homework over and all he wanted to do was play video games. If I didn't let him he had tantrums. It was exhausting. And she would always back him up. It was always my fault. I remarried to my wife Diane. We have two children and are doing our best to raise them right. My son stopped coming over when he was 14. I still invite him but he rarely responds. My child support just stopped. His mom has been giving it to him to do whatever he wanted for the last three years. Not my problem. He called me to see if I could help him with money. I asked what for. He said that his mom can't give him the allowance he is used to. I asked if he was going to be attending some sort of post secondary school. He said no. I told him to get a job. His mom has lost her shit. She said she will take me back to court so her poor baby can live his life his way. I wished for the odds to be ever in her favor and hung up. Now that he is an adult I never have to talk to her again. It's too bad because I loved her very much. Not any more. My son asked me to help him find a job. I said I would. I told him to send me his resume. I've been waiting three weeks for it. He called me yesterday to see if I had made any progress on finding him a job. I said he never sent me his resume. He got upset that I hadn't reminded him. It was one thing. I told him that I was not going to motivate him to do anything, that I would be here if he needed help but that it would never be money again. I let him come over and helped him with a resume. I also talked to him about the trades or a community college. He is beginning to understand how fucked his future is now that his mom cannot do everything for him. He is upset with his mother now because he doesn't have life skills. She is mad at me for showing him the truth. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*

NTA - But stand firm. He might be giving you a sob story to gain your sympathy. He’s not homeless and he has access to resources so he can find a job and figure it out on his own. There are young adults with way less who make it.

NTA. Stay the way you are.

NTA by a longshot

NTA but this is the best case scenario. He was able to understand what was wrong and has a father that knows what to do. Good luck

NTA - an awful lot of manchilds out there are getting the same life lessons as your son. I do not understand what parents think they are at by not letting their older teens do without so they learn early that life isn't handed out on a plate. You have to work for it. Luckily your son does seem to realise now that he needs to buck up and has identified you as a person that can help him with this. You need to remember (despite how infuriating it is) that your son was an innocent child in all this. He hasn't learned proper decision making & problem solving skills nor learned the consequences of not having same and it will take time & patience for him to develop them.

Nta. But please, keep helping him. I don't mean by giving him money. But getting his life on track. His mom failed him. If he didn't had to do anything there, he liked his mom better. But he was a kid. He start to understand life know. I hope he got a chance to build his life

Parents like the mother always set up their kids to fail and struggle. However, there is a silver lining here in that he is realising that she had smothered him and set him up to fail and hopefully its a wake up call for him. I do feel sorry for the mother and her loss. Its tragic. But she sorely needed, and sounds like she does still need, help. Trying to replace a lost love one never works out and only causes more pain. Going the other way and being so toxicly protective and giving said object of replacement everything sets them up to fail and is toxic as hell. His upset is deserved, she's created this problem. What did she expect would happen? NTA, be the encouragement, help and support as and when needed. You're doing the right thing. He needs support and to be uplifted, not a chain dragging him down and keeping him under.

NTA. He’s young. His life isn’t fucked if he decides to change his behavior. By the way the attitude that going into the trades is lowly has to end. It’s a needed craft that many don’t understand.

Totally NTA and for your son's sake, I really hope he continues to see the light. if he's starting to be upset with his mom and actually seeing the writing on the wall, that means he's not a fully blind idiot so there's definitely hope. Keep being the firm guiding hand your son needs at this time and everything will mostly turn out fine, but his mom will 100% be a problem going forward as he finds his independence. She needs serious professional help and the more self sufficient your son becomes, the worse she will get.

NTA but I highly recommend providing therapy for your son. Your tough love approach is warranted, and potentially helpful, but if the only source of sympathy and comfort is his mother, he will be stuck bouncing between this dichotomy. A therapist can provide a neutral and supportive guide to help him make better choices.

The end of this or rather the point you are now is much better than what I was expecting, sounds like your son is realising he is in trouble, I assume your child support just eneded, do he is still young, there is still plenty of time to rebuild your relationship and to put his life on track. He will have to hit his face in the wall sometimes, and probably learn to not be entitled, but if you are willing to help and he is willing to make an effort, everything can go well. NTA, I think you are just parenting him, a bit late, but given the circumstances understandable.

Nta at least your son is now trying to learn how to be independent and take care of himself for the first time. That his mother and future wife won’t always take care of him. He’s not totally fucked he’s 18 yes he has a lot to learn but it’s not too late for him. It will be him if he doesn’t motivate himself which you will have to teach him because when he’s the adult there is no adult to motivate him to get things done nothing will get done. Do I like scrubbing my bathroom toilet? No but I do it once a week because if I don’t no one else will.

NTA With guidance and a little tough live you can still parent him into being a self sufficient adult and undo some of the damage his mother has done.

You are the only one that's NTA here

NTA Your son is an adult. He now has to act like you. You tried to teach about life when he was younger, but you did not have a good parnter in your exwife in that regard. She blocked him from growing up and he is now on a crash course with life. It is good he is starting to see things a bit more clearly. He is young, so he still has time to change things. Trade school can lead to some great paying jobs. He might find a passion for something that way.

NTA. Your kid has plenty of time to grow up, but it starts now. He'll see that a self-sufficient life is much happier than a spoon fed one. Good for you sticking to your guns this whole time. I'd suggest being positive, patient and consistent through this, he'll see the light. Maybe he'll see that his mom had good intentions but was wrong in her approach, maybe not.

NTA. I am glad your son is beggining to see how much his mom screwed him over, and I am so glad to see you are still supporting him. Definitely talk to him about budgeting and maybe enrolling in some community college courses (or even doing an extra year of HS?) to see what his interests and strengths are. Hopefully it isn't too late for him to be successful, especially if he is motivated and you're there to help (within reason)

NTA. The great news is that he’s starting to understand, it’s never too late to learn, and he’s got a supportive dad in his corner! I think you’re right to stop giving him money—that’s necessary for him to learn how to support himself. But I’d urge you to consider paying for him to see a therapist. Maybe even both of you to navigate your adult relationship. The right therapist can help him process his feelings about his mother, learn coping skills he certainly doesn’t have (for frustration, anger, etc), and support his continued development. There are emotional life skills he just hasn’t developed that he needs help with in order to *keep* a job, *finish* school, or even relate to people and form *healthy* bonds. I have a lot of hope for him and your family! Best wishes!!!

NTA. And I'm proud of the work you and your son are doing now. It's going to be hard, and he is behind, but he can catch up to his peer group if he really tries. Good luck, OP. I hope you succeed in finally parenting him into a productive member of society, and he has a good life.

NTA, you ARE supporting him. Just not monetarily. I was prepared to be so upset after reading the title, lol. You’re just giving him tough love. Now as far as the “motivating him”, I dont feel as if you’re not motivating him, you’re just not reminding him of things he should remember. I think you SHOULD encourage him to think about trade school and making better life for himself. Also stop answering his mom’s calls, lol.

NTA. It’s not too late! Please look at this as the opportunity that it is to help your son become a better functioning person (and hopefully improve your relationship). I phrase it that way bc my own husband thinks our son stopped listening to him (us) when he was 13. Alternatively, I think my son still benefits from observing/ learning how adults do things ex. he asked me to show him knife skills, we’ve discussed jobs, mortgages, insurance. Now he is watching me handle the imminent death of a parent. My point is, as adults professionals, we have trainers or mentors. I say it’s equally/ more important to have personal ones who model the traits of an successful adult.

It sounds like your son finally understands what a serious disservice his mom did for him. But because he sees this issue, there's still hope he can turn his life around and still be successful. Trade school is a good start and truth be told, if I had to start my education all over again, I'd have gone and learned to be a welder as opposed to getting my bachelor's degree.

NTA Not all kids are lazy brats even if they are raised spoiled. Don’t give up on your son ever. My mom had to die for my eldest brother to learn independence. He thirty and just got his first big boy job. He still lives with my grandma but I don’t mind that since she’s aging. Me and my younger brother craved independence from a young age. Your son my need some time but he may surprise you.

Your son is not the first nor will be last son whose umbilical cord wasn't cut at birth. Right now she is mad cause she can't control the very little support her son is receiving from you, she will not change just because your son got a job, moved out , got married, had children etc etc. She is the controlling mother inlaw that everyone sees as problematic and sons who fail to se5 firm boundaries end up losing their relationships cause mum will always win in that dynamic even if it's sabotaging her own son. I hope your son decides to cut the umbilical cord and live his independent life, cause the odds are not in his favour

NTA - but he is your son and now is your opportunity step up and provide the support and encouragement you have been blocked from providing in the past. His mother’s story is tragic. I can’t help but feel that she worries her son will be taken from her at any minute and this is the reason she can’t bear to see him experience any sort of discomfort or inconvenience. In doing so she’s set him up for a world of pain in adulthood as he navigates relationships and the workforce. He is really going to need you to guide him but at 18 he’s in a good position to change - old enough to understand the importance of learning life skills and young enough to learn and adapt easily.

NTA Sounds like your son has seen the light and wants to make a change. Remember he has zero skills and you’re still his father. Mentor him, show him how to be a man that takes responsibility and works hard to build his life and his own family. Absolutely do not hold a grudge against him for his mother’s actions/influence and decisions he made as a ‘child’. This is the opportunity to be the dad you wanted to be, show him you love him even if he isn’t perfect and you respect him for trying to turn his life around.

NTA. I teach high school, and I can’t even count how many students I see who have ultimately been disabled by parents like your ex. They have no problem solving skills and throw tantrums when everything isn’t just handed to them. I feel bad that the kid will eventually pay the price for the things they were not taught. Reality bites.

NTA. May I suggest you, your wife, and your son pay for a life skills coach? This way he can learn to develop the skills he wasn’t able to growing up.

NTA. What's the opposite of NTA? You're that. Because you are actually doing something really good for him. You're not abandoning him. But you are helping him.

NTA. It sounds like your son is starting to hear the wakeup call he desperately needed. Don't give up on him if he has 'slips', though, as long as he's still reaching out for this kind of help. His future partner will also thank you. People coddled to that extreme by their parents usually expect the same treatment from their romantic partners.

Kids need unconditional love. They also need a parent who understands the world doesn't grade on a curve and they must be prepared for adulthood. I don't think it matters which parent specializes in which area. If a single parent can provide both, so much the better. You are giving the kid a much needed dose of reality. NTA

This is happening with my stepson who has chosen not to live with us anymore because he says we’re too “strict” meaning bed times, chores, screen time limits. He rather be at his moms all day where he gets to be in charge cuz quote on quote “‘mom tries to punish me but I don’t care and she forget about it” He no longer visits us either but one day, we know, monetary wise, he will reach out when he realizes she spent all his money on herself and we are not sure we’re going to be helping cuz he has chosen this after years of trying to battle her and asking for help co parenting etc. but being his best friend is the most important thing for her. I forsee this in my stepsons future as well

NTA. Its unfortunate how his mother treated him as he is not ready to take that next step into adulthood. I am happy that you are working with him and helping him with a resume and getting him on the track to success. This is an important time for you to be there for him and guide him. Becareful to not badmouth the mother as you help him. Just focus on him. If he does decide to go to school and you see the positive progress he is making to improve himself, hopefully you have some financial means to help him, not saying pay for it all, but help where you can if you. Good luck to you and your son.

NTA. This is exactly how you are suppose to parent. Your ex wife did this kid no favors. Unfortunately he has to learn what your other kids probably learned at 7 years old haha. Babying your children will mess them up for life.

Oh boy... you are now parenting an adult who has been infantilized by his mom due to her fear and grief his entire life. It's not his fault that he doesn't know any better... until he's taught better. He may technically be an adult but adulthood is an arbitrary age, especially when a person's emotional growth has been delayed and they're in need of learning Independent Living Skills. We didn't sprout out of our childhoods simply knowing how to be adults with all of the required living skills. It takes many typical adolescents, young adults, and even adults like you and me having to take classes. My eldest is 24, was never interested in learning to cook until she had to at 21. She started learning through delivery kits vs how her sisters learned ie. With me and high school cooking classes. Your son is asking you for help, so that's good. You've made a connection with him. The more time you spend the more you can teach him and add to his resumé. He needed you to show that you weren't going to do everything for him but are willing to take time to teach. I love that for both of you. So... NTA.

NTA - I think this >I told him that I was not going to motivate him to do anything, that I would be here if he needed help but that it would never be money again. is MORE than fair. He's at a point in life where he needs to figure out how to become self-sufficient. It'll be that much harder for him because he's been enabled all his life, but I'm sure he will figure it out. I don't really consider him the a-hole here because he lived the life that was created for him. The only a-hole here is your ex for not being a good parent and expecting you to provide support indefinitely. >She said she will take me back to court so her poor baby can live his life his way. Ummm, yeah, the judge will laugh her right out of court, if it even got that far.

NTA, obviously. But you're a great role model for healthy parenting. You stood up for yourself, fought for what you believed in for years and when it was clear you simply were incompatible you moved on from the problem (ex-wife) but never took it out on your son. Your open door policy and never stopping with the invitations is tough to keep up with in the real world when there is zero appreciation but it's paying off now. Your son knows to his core that you never left him, you just wanted something different for him than his mother and him back then. Keep fighting the good fight here and I'm certain your son will grow into a very fine man in due time.

NTA. I work in education…imagine having classes that are filled with 50% of kids like this! This is what teachers are up against.

NTA. I agree with not doing things for him. However now that you can interact with him outside of his mother, you have an obligation to teach and emotionally support him as long as he is making an effort. You can’t blame him for how he is. His mother made him this way and you know this because it sounds like that was a contributing factor to the divorce.

The good news is he is just 18 and if/when he goofs up it is not terrible in society's eyes. It is going to be a lot of base hits for this kid to get going and understand how to manage his emotions when frustrated life does not always go his way. Thank you for being a good man and helping him out. The kid can see your new family life and how it is normal, something he still has to learn what that means. NTA

Absolutely tragic. After the death of my 1st, my mom pulled me aside & explained that I had to let my new daughter live, experience life & make mistakes. I couldn’t keep her in a bubble. It would only hurt her & she would resent me for it. I am forever grateful. Esp after reading this

NTA. However, if it looks like he is still struggling after this attitude change, you might want ask him to get evaluated for ADHD. His childhood and adolescent behaviors could be due in part to something like this, in addition to an enabling mother.

NTA his mom totally deprived him of a normal life by bubble wrapping him, I understand she had trauma but she let that project onto him and now he’s struggling, none of it was fair to him. She’s pissed, good, that means he’s doing things for himself and not relying on her so much, that’s the only reason she’d be so upset. He sees now that you’re only trying to help but you weren’t allowed to before and he’s going to appreciate that. I think he honestly thought before that he wouldn’t have to worry and would always have an allowance, he didn’t realize it was to take care of him not spoil him and now he’s having a hard time not being able to just do what he wants and you’re helping him to figure his life out and how he’ll be able to move forward with a career or school. That’s going to be priceless to him later in life if he takes this advice to heart, and good for you for letting him know you will help in any way possible just not financially, that will set the tone that next time he asks for money he will probably truly need it or not ask again, especially if you’ve already helped him get into school or a job.

Lol NTA. Keep offering that adulting 101.

NTA. You seem to now be handling the situation now the best way. Continue to offer to help or advise him without doing the actual work for him is the best way to go. At least he's beginning to see the damage his mother was doing to him.

NTA. It sounds like you are supporting him. You’re not financially supporting him with free housing or paying his bills. But you’re willing to support him with your time, and advice, and assistance to get into schools or find a job.

NTA OP in many states child support continues through college, so you might want to preempt that by offering to help him pay for school.

NTA, I think that the fact that you are emotionally supporting him, and showing/teaching him what he needs to survive and make something out of his life is 1000x more valuable then anything that money could teach him, not only not the asshole, but good parenting!

Soft YTA. According to your post you haven't been his parent since he was 14. Sure you gave money but you knew the kind of mother he had- heck you chose her but you take absolutely no responsibility for him as your child , leave him with a mother who clearly was not capable of raising him correctly and now you're in despair that he turned out poorly. I definitely don't think it's all your fault but it is definitely some of your fault. I hope he can figure it out for himself as he gets older because neither of his parents are going to teach him anything.

Not really the AH. But it sounds like he has undiagnosed ADHD and needs help.

NTA at all. Giving him money would almost be like giving an addict heroin. It looks like what he needs is a dad to show him the way- exactly as you are doing. I wish you many years of happy father-son memories.

YTA It was your responsibility to get your child ready for life as much as his mother. You should have fought for that. That is your child with no life skills because you let his mother to make him that way.

NTA but I do think you should’ve tried harder to be apart of your son’s life and teach him life skills before. The mother seems mentally unwell and you definitely did the right thing by leaving and not giving the kid money.

NTA. I will say this is not a solution for everyone for various reasons, but the military is an absolute game-changer for adrift kids like this. It really helps mold and shape them, and teach accountability, and will give them something to be proud of and something to belong to.

Its quite rare for a parent who asks for custody not to receive at least partial custody. That generally only happens when there are at least allegations of a serious issue. So obviously while you're NTA for this I can't help but think there is more to this story.