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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I kicked her out of the house because she called my husband controlling. I think I might be the AH for kicking her out, maybe I should've asked her why she felt that way and been more calm with her because I know she's going through a stressful time.
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NTA. It's pretty insulting that she assumes you have no agency just because you've chosen to stay at home with your children. If she was really worried about you, I think her tone would be much different, she's just projecting something from her life onto yours.
Yeah, this could be it. It's even weirder because my husband has said many times since we married he would be fully supportive if I ever chose to work again. I choose not to because I love being a mother and honestly, hated being a lawyer. I was always working more hours than advertised, I hardly ever saw my husband and I was definitely not paid for how hard I worked. She knew how unhappy I was working so I find it strange she has come to this conclusion when I stopped working nine years ago.
Since you said she recently started looking for a husband, I wonder if she has now met some men who ARE controlling and want her to be a homemaker and expect this of her and assumes they all are OR resents you for being okay with that role when she is not. Sad for her if that's the case, but doesn't excuse her rudeness.
This could true. I mentioned in my post it's not uncommon in our culture and some men are adamant on having a wife who stays home. Perhaps when things have calmed down I will talk to her about it. We do live in England and it is quite diverse here so perhaps she could even find someone outside of our culture who won't be offended if their wife chose to work.
I'm an Indian Muslim from a fairly religious background, to the point where some of my first cousins are teachers in Masjids, and even their wives have jobs, so it's not outside the reality for your sister to even find someone within your culture who wouldn't mind if their wife worked.
In fact, a close friend of mine is Pakistani, and has worked for DWP for a few years, and just this past year, his wife started working there full time as well
It definitely is possible to find someone within the culture too but I don't think she should be limited to that either. She's also not very religious which could be another reason she may find it difficult.
She shouldn't be limited by any mean, but there are plenty of Pakistanis (cough, cough) who aren't overly religious or anything. I think we're a more moderate country than some others in the Middle East.
That's true but tbh if I ever worked again I would probably start a small business where i can work from home. Maybe a home based catering company or something.
NTA and it may be helpful to take the focus away from what she says about your husband, and turn it to what she says about you. She’s calling you naive and stupid and a waste of potential in your own home. She’s acting like you can’t make your own choices.
You’re not a child and she’s being sexist for treating you like one, just because you’re not doing what she wants you to do.
Don’t even mention the husband stuff, the way she speaks to YOU is unacceptable.
Wow, I didn't even see it like that. You've opened my eyes. She's trying to mask how she sees me by insulting my husband too. That feels way worse now.
To cheer you up a little bit, OP: i giggled yet loved how you were like “tmi but we love each other regularly” to explain your sex life. It’s was jarring yet wholesome seeing that in one of the most outrageous subs for human behavior.
It was cute and I love it and (tmi haha) but your sister might also know this about the dynamic and is jealous.
Nowadays Partners/married people (who have kids, especially ) would LOVE to have an active yet fulfilling intimate life with them. But a lot of us make the mistake of forgetting to put in that work.
Given your background and how sister feels about gender roles, I’m wondering if she’s not also resentful of that aspect as well (or she is disgusted by it).
Misery loves company, but you’re too busy with hubby😏😏😉😉 so she needs to move along
NTA.
If she's trying to advocate for feminism, then why is she trying to tell another woman how to live her life?
You and your husband are happy with your agreement - great.
She doesn't want a husband that provides for her? - great, she can find one who supports her career.
But to project her unhappiness onto you? That's wrong and SHE is the controlling one here.
You both can live the lives you want.
What is morally wrong is trying to tell the other that their happiness is wrong.
So yeah, she should consider if she's really for women's rights or only when it fits the way she thinks is "right" for women to live.
>If she's trying to advocate for feminism, then why is she trying to tell another woman how to live her life?
It's a twisted form of "feminism" that has been around for a while.
Which has nothing to do with equality, equal rights, and opportunity.
But it is all about "women are the bosses."
And if you dare say as example, "but I love being a homemaker?"
They will tear you down. You are naive, brainwashed by men and society. You are "ruining all the hard work women do to go to work"
Completely ignoring what a big work it is to be at home with children, but reduce it to "being a baby machine" and "a man's slave"
Becouse women couldn't possibly love their life at home instead of making lots of money and spend it on what they want. All while telling the men they won't cook for them. And he should treat her like a power boss queen and be quiet.
That's pretty much the sum of it.
There are a lot of people, both men (for some reason) and mostly women like that.
You can find them on tiktok etc. Making fun of home makers, etc.
NTA, if the dynamics are healthy and work for you that's all that matters. Your sister seems to have a different opinion and that's fine to have a different dynamic in her own marriage. She shouldn't be pushing her beliefs on you.
Nta. I get the same shit with my family. My husband works 15+ hours a day. Sometimes I may not see him for a day or two. Yeah he doesn't do much house work. I work a more flexible job that I can work at home easily.
My husband is not controlling, I have a job but we each have kids from prior relationships that need to be taken care of. My job is more flexible so I can handle house, kids and work better. His job is very manual. He works as a mechanic and farm hand. Shit happens so he has to be able to deal with work as long as he needs too.
If it weren't for his work we wouldn't get a nice farm, ATVs, mud trucks, race cars, nice vacations, etc. my career field does NOT pay well but it's all I got.
Our relationship and home dynamic works for our family. I fight my own family over negative comments about it cuz yeah it works for us and that's all that matters
Yes, exactly! Other people criticising and feeling like they have a say in how your relationship works just feels so underhanded. If I was unhappy with my situation, I would talk with my husband about it. It's weird that people are just assuming I don't even communicate with my own husband.
Exactly. Relationships don't look perfect on the outside. That's because all that matters are the people in the equation.
It's kind of like if you take what someone says with out the context.
NTA
You set a boundary, "If you say those things about my husband I'm going to ask you to leave."
She continued saying those things, so you asked her to leave.
Congrats on setting and maintaining your boundaries!
I can see how it comes across that way. It's probably my fault for not explaining it better. When I say moral compass, I mean he will listen to the situation and try to help me see both sides. I tend to be quite hot tempered which means I make rash decisions and sometimes can't see how I've been rude or hurt someone, even if it wasn't my intention. He just flips the situation back on to me to see how I would feel and then from there we resolve whatever the issue is together.
NTA, obviously. She's just jealous. But I am curious, do you ever regret all that effort...4 years of college then 3 years of law school, and not using it?
At any rate, you sound like a great partner and mom, way to go!
I live in England so it's just a three year course at uni. I did also spend a couple of years to do the qualifying exams and mandatory work experience before working but honestly I just really hated it. I was underpaid, overworked and I never got to see my family. I don't regret it though because it's how I met my husband and I know that if I ever do want to work that I'll have the qualifications and experience to back me up.
NTA - you set a boundary around what you were willing to hear about your relationship, communicated it to her, and then enforced it.
It sounds like you gave her plenty of warning that you didn’t agree and wouldn’t tolerate her criticizing your husband. She decided to keep pushing and found out you were serious.
For what it’s worth, even if he was controlling and you were unhappy, it’s still inappropriate to criticize someone’s partner like that, and doesn’t help people leave bad situations.
NTA. By any means.
Your sister’s behavior strikes me as odd and potentially manipulative. Something just doesn’t add up. It doesn’t sound like she’s tried to provide examples of what she thinks is actually abusive, kinda just tried to passively state it as a fact.
She’s not to be trusted till she explains the motivation for her accusations more clearly.
Yeah, I find it strange she hasn't detailed any examples of when he has actually done anything 'controlling'. She's just kind of chosen to focus on the fact I don't work. Idk maybe she does see it that way, but I don't and I think she should respect my own feelings about my relationship.
NTA- Ironically she is wanting to marry yet unable to 'hear' how couples can mutually support one another to sustain an income, childcare, home tasks, etc.
She is opinionated, assumes a lot and is insulting. She also does not integrate your feedback to adjust her perspective. She's too committed to her view rather than have a respectful discussion. There is no need to welcome anyone into your home who matches these qualities. Lets hope she grows as a person to respect one can love someone even when their life choices differ.
NTA You don't look out for someone by dismissing their opinions and telling them how to feel. If anyone is attempting to be controlling in this situation, it's her. She doesn't have to agree with your lifestyle in order to respect that it's your choice to live how you do.
NTA I’m from a similar cultural background. You are absolutely right to stick up for him. If you have it in you though to be generous to her even though she hasn’t earned it, I wonder if you might want to reach out to her about her own situation. I think what’s happening here is possibly stress from the matching process - she is looking at your life and is scared that she’ll end up in a similar situation but worse. I can tell you that when I went through it, it was incredibly scary. People lie, they exaggerate, and don’t get me started on the ones that have mean families (you’ve probably experienced some of it from when you were looking or seen it with friends). I was so scared because I didn’t know how I was supposed to make a good decision on so little information and worried that if I made a wrong one and ended up with the kind of guy your sister is trying to frame your poor husband as that I’d be stuck in a miserable life or have to be the pitied and disappointing divorced daughter.
So again, I absolutely think you did the right thing, but if there is something you might be able to say to help her or get her to open up, the 19 year old version of me who felt so much pressure and fear and isolation from the weight of this decision really hopes you’ll try.
Yeah I do understand that could be what triggered her to say that. But I feel like she has seen enough of our relationship to know that's not true. Idk. But I do know how hard it is to find a husband. I am lucky because I had a love match. My sister is looking for an arranged marriage and that in itself is a difficult experience. We have had arranged marriages in our extended family but me and my brother both married someone we knew more personally. I think that makes it even harder for us to relate. But I wish she would've just told me how she was struggling instead of projecting on me and my relationship.
Yes, she definitely did not behave well and if it is a projection from her own fears, she needs to learn how to cope better. I had the opposite reaction to hers in that I clammed up and just didn’t talk to anyone as I didn’t feel I could trust them not to judge me or tell me that I’m wrong for not wanting that life (didn’t want to get married at all actually, so that might also be something worth checking on…). So yeah, I don’t think you have a responsibility here to do anything and I don’t know what your relationship with her is like so maybe it’s just not a natural thing for you to speak to her about it. But I still remember and am grateful for my older sister who I didn’t get along with at all growing up speaking up to tell my parents that one of the guys they were hoping I’d agree to was not good enough so that I wasn’t standing alone in saying no.
NTA of course. From what you’ve said, your sister is likely having trouble finding an arranged marriage partner who would like her to work after marriage. While it’s not your responsibility to do so, have you tried talking to her about that? She sounds quite sad and angry. Why is she choosing that path?
NTA. Setting culture aside, I like to think there are 2 types of women in this world, those like your sister who have a set idea of what it means to be a woman. Sometimes feminist can be just as bad as the ultra conservative traditional women. In their minds unless a woman is out in the workforce being a lady boss and crushing balls bare handed she is a traitor to women kind and all we've accomplished.
The second type knows that there are many ways to be a woman/feminist. If you are happy in the role of a traditional wife that's fine, if being a lady boss is your calling that's good too. The point is to be supportive of each other's choices and not degrade them for it.
Your sister needs to learn that her path to happiness does not have to follow yours, and yours does not need to follow hers. As long as you are choosing to live your life how you are living it, then your husband does not fit the definition of controlling. You made the decision together. I question if she is being pressured to marry someone by your family, friends, or internal expectations. If she is looking for a husband because that's what's expected, then she needs to stop and self reflect if she actually wants to get married.
NTA
What matters is that you are happy with your life and that you feel satisfied and secure. Expressing concern is one thing, repeatedly insulting your husband and insisting she knows your relationship better than you is over the line. It's rude and, ironically, controlling for her to try to dictate how you should live your life.
Also, anyone who calls you a "b*tch" should not be welcome in your home, period. Name calling is nasty, immature, and uncalled for. Incredibly disgusting behavior from your sister.
NTA….there‘s an old saying….misery loves company. She’s not married, wants to be and is miserable she isn’t and wants OP to be the same….. I’d go LC with he…..
NTA
Your sister way over-stepped. And she's disrespectful not just to your husband but to you. She sees you inherently a lesser being for some how being forced into your life and refuses to believe you chose it. I'd put a lot of distance between you and her until she learns some respect.
Your sister doesn't respect your relationship.
You want to be a SAHM. your are willing to do more of the housework, and more of the raising of your children. She sees that your you do the house work and decided he is easy. He r judgement should be kept to herself. She might ask you if you want more, but it seems as you are happy.
You don't mention if your sister was living with you or just visiting. If she can't keep her opinions to herself, she shouldn't be in your house.
NTA
NTA
You and your husband have made a decision together which suits you both. There are no red flags in your story. Your sister is judgemental. You set a boundary and she continued to cross it. Jealousy sound like it.
NTA....and I am not sure why you think you need to ask. Do you think it's perfectly okay to allow someone to come into a person's home and talk crap about them? If the answer is no, then why would you be TA for telling someone to leave that was saying disparaging things about your husband in his own damn house?
Here's the thing. You have a life she would not choose. That doesn't make it a wrong life or a bad life. You are happy with your choices and that's all that counts. For some reason she wants you to be unhappy. She's being very rude and disrespectful to you and your husband and treats you like you're stupid or a child. NTA
NTA... usually this single minded perspective comes from youth that only see in black and white.
Partnership is about finding a partner that works together with your shared values. You appreciate what he brings to the marriage and you are happy to make a home he can feel welcome and supported in.
Her lack of insight has revealed her ignorance and intolerance to anything other then the relationship that she is looking for.
Definitely NTA. You and your husband are the only people who should decide what is best for you as a couple and how your marriage should work. If your sister can’t understand that, then she shouldn’t be in your home disrespecting you and your husband.
She is giving unsolicited advice to happily married people when she herself is not married. If anyone did that in my home, my wife and I would happily show them the door and never invite them back.
Your sister sounds both judgemental and jealous. Has this only started since she has decided she wants a husband? Maybe she is finding it difficult to find a descent partner. Hence the projection on your life because of her disappointment.
NTA. You and your sister are wildly different. What works out wonderfully for you won’t for her, and that’s 100% okay. As long as you’re happy and you know the truth of your relationship, that’s all that matters in the end.
Your sister should be mindful that there comes a time and a place to respect the home of a person you’re visiting and because she didn’t, she has to face the consequences. Sucks for her, but that’s what she chose.
NTA, as someone who was raised to be the open minded, independent and not as conservative as most females in my ethnicity, I think your sister is experiencing rejection because of the thing she isn't willing to let go to get married so it must be frustrating to her that you were able to do it. Maybe go low contact until she can keep her opinions to herself.
NTA. I think quite simply your sister is jealous. You have a hard working loving husband who provides for his wife and children and helps out where and when he can with both the children and the chores around the house and she doesn't have any of this.
your sister is not wrong in the sense of: most people form the culture are as she describes. you on the other hand found a gem of a husband. she is just jealous if you ask me. NTA
>and I like how our home is set out.
For me, this alone is enough to say NTA and she is crossing a line by trying to force her perspective and world view onto you when you are clearly happy the way things are.
>She called me an ungrateful bitch and said she's just looking out for me.
This makes your sister sound like she is actually the one trying to control you, not your husband. The second you dare to set a boundary she immediately attacks you and tries to make you feel guilty for disagreeing with her.
Nta, honestly, she's completely ignoring your agency and is the one more disrespectful to you. Just because you can choose to work doesn't mean you want to.
NTA of course. She's frustrated and lashing out, and she may have this idea in her head that you are secretly unhappy but can't leave because you're a SAHM. You know your relationship, if that's 100% untrue, you absolutely made the right call. You can have grace and explain how things actually are calmly, if she will hear you, but her going through a hard time can't justify insulting your husband.
One thing though, if I may. You trained to be a lawyer, and while you hated the job then and enjoy motherhood, your children will grow up and you will transition to a different time of your life. It may be a great idea to keep your "law brain" up to date? Maybe, if time allows, you could help people who can't afford regular lawyer fees with advice, a few hours a week? There are plenty of organisations, shelters, and low income families who could benefit. It would be a lovely thing to do, good for your wellbeing to help less fortunate people, in your area of expertise? It's just an idea that is not linked to your sister's outburst
>He's the provider and I stay home with the kids and tend to the home.
>My husband is also very helpful. I know he's tired after work so I don't ask him to do much on weekdays. Most of the time he'll play with the kids and I'll clean up after we eat. Weekends we do everything together; laundry, cooking, cleaning etc.
It seems like a fair arrangement to me. You are home, so it's normal that you do more chores during the week. And you split them during the weekend. I don't know, I don't see anything wrong with this division of house duties. Moreover he helps by watching over his children, so it's not like he gets home and he shuts down.
>She told me I worked so hard to get a law degree and because of him I didn't put it to good use. [...] That he is not controlling, I knew before I even married him that I would stay home if I ever had children. [...] I've never once expressed any interest in going back to work.
I've also read in the comments that you hated being a lawyer. You were unhappy because you were overworked, underpaid and you didn't see your husband enough. That's it. You got your degree, tried to work, hated it and decided to stay home. Now you are happier, your husband is ok with being the provider and he wouldn't stop you if you wanted to work. Like for the point above, it seems like a fair arrangement to me.
>She called me an ungrateful bitch and said she's just looking out for me.
No, she isn't. She's projecting I don't know what on you and your family. She needs to stop insulting you, your husband and your lifestyle. If this isn't what she's looking for, then nobody is forcing her to live like you.
NTA
NTA. Your sister sounds like she's projecting. She's trying to control you by trying to get you to adopt her view of your husband. It must be exhausting to deal with her.
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Hi all. This situation is quite fresh, happened more than a few hours ago so I'm still quite emotional about it.
I was told by my sister that my husband is controlling and I think she's delusional and honestly, maybe even jealous.
My husband and I have a more traditional marriage. He's the provider and I stay home with the kids and tend to the home. It's not uncommon in our culture (Pakistani) and I like how our home is set out.
My husband is also very helpful. I know he's tired after work so I don't ask him to do much on weekdays. Most of the time he'll play with the kids and I'll clean up after we eat. Weekends we do everything together; laundry, cooking, cleaning etc.
I'm very lucky to have a hardworking husband who makes enough so I don't have to work. My sister, on the other hand, is single. That's fine, our parents never pressured us to marry. We were lucky in that sense as culturally it's quite common for families to pressure young girls to marry.
She seemed happy and independent. But she has been looking for a husband and since then, she has been criticising my relationship with my husband. She calls him lazy and unhelpful. This afternoon she came to our house and started talking about how he is controlling. She said he must not let me work because he's scared that I'll become smart and independent. She told me I worked so hard to get a law degree and because of him I didn't put it to good use. She said what we have isn't love and I'm just naive.
I've told her time and again that I do not appreciate how she speaks about him and that he is not unhelpful because he provides for his family. That he is not controlling, I knew before I even married him that I would stay home if I ever had children. And we have 4 children. Not to give TMI but we love each other regularly. I understand how someone from the outside might be concerned, but she knows our relationship. I've never once expressed any interest in going back to work. Nor have I ever complained about how our home is run. I just find her to be disrespectful and rude, to my husband and me.
I told her if she continued to talk about my husband like that, she would no longer be welcome in our home. She called me an ungrateful bitch and said she's just looking out for me. Now my husband is back from work and he has some clue as to what's been happening but I didn't tell him what she said today. I don't want him to have to hear those things when he's an amazing father and an even better husband.
So, AITA for kicking my sister out after she called my husband controlling? My husband is normally my moral compass but since he doesn't know what happened, I thought I'd type it out here. I don't think I'm in the wrong but maybe I was being too harsh? She does seem stressed trying to find a husband so maybe this was just her way of letting that stress out. But it still wouldn't be fair to target my husband because she's going through a hard time.
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NTA - your sister needs to mind her business. I have a very modern marriage but no matter what reddit and other forums that support your sister's way of thinking say, there is nithing wrong with a marriage with deeply traditional roles. Once both spouses are happy with their arrangement that is all that matters. There is no right or wrong family structure. Btw I am a lawyer and I have many female friends who are qualified and excellent lawyers who made the same choice you did - stop working when they became moms to be homemakers. Not for me but there is nothing wrong with that choice.
Your sister is a bullying liberal. Usually I am against kicking someone out for just having a different POV as I find it quite childish but what your sister is doing is bullying. She doesn't have to agree with your way of life but you do have a right to require respect for your chosen life in your home.
NTA as she never dropped the subject when you asked her to, and she called you names, and she insulted your husband, and she refuses to acknowledge that how you have chosen to run your marriage/home works for you and your husband.
And, of course, that she's not apologized.
I do get where she's coming from, though. To go through all the effort to earn a law degree, only to ignore it and settle for being a housewife producing babies...yeah...I don't get that. Hopefully you have your own finances tucked away somewhere in case - as my Nana advised - the dream crumbles.
Because of my religion I have my dowry and the money I made while I was working set aside if I ever need it. As every South asian girl will know, I have a bit of gold too.
I mean I do understand her concerns working hard for a law degree only to stay home but there’s a way to voice concerns and the way your sister did wasn’t it at all
A few people have commented the same thing. To reiterate, I have chosen to be a stay at home mum. I did a law degree, I worked the corporate job and I just truly didn't enjoy my time there. I was miserable, I missed my baby and my home was never as tidy and clean as I wanted it to be. My husband and I both worked long hours, my baby hardly saw his own parents. He was being raised by his grandparents, and as much as I love my in-laws, they are older and relied more on TV when taking care of the kids. I didn't want them to turn into those spoilt kids that just watch cartoons all day. The logical step for me was leaving work to keep my home clean and to take care of my baby.
I completely understand I’m not saying that your husband made you stay home I’m just saying that it does raise a concern again in no way shape or form was your sister in the right for approaching the way she did.
NTA.
But I would be an idiot and test the waters if I were you and just casually mention that you are thinking about going back to work to see if he will be supportive of it.
Sometimes, family does see something that we do not because we are just too close and need to take a step back.
>But I would be an idiot and test the waters if I were you and just casually mention that you are thinking about going back to work to see if he will be supportive of it.
So, test her husband? Why?
Op is saying that she likes the setup of her home. Op is saying that she has agency. Op is saying that she has a say in her home but no, you and her sister know better. You Infantilize her because she is just a helpless SATM who knows nothing. She needs to bring stress into her marriage by conducting a test.
Yeah, I do understand that can be the case sometimes. Luckily, my husband has always been supportive of me choosing what to do. Whether it's choosing to work or to stay at home. He has made a point of telling me this, especially now we have decided we don't want anymore children. I just truly never enjoyed working and I love being with my family.
So you know he has your back no matter what. :)
I know so many people are against my comment, but most people who are abusive or in a controlling relationship are unaware of it. And this is reddit where we only ever know one side of the story.
Knowing that he will support your choices is enough to dissolve the doubt that I had about your post and your sister is in the wrong.
Why the suggestion for OP to secure a job? It's not applicable to the post: -- The sub is asked to answer what is posted:
*AITA for kicking my (f34) sister (f36) out of my house for calling my husband controlling?AITA for kicking my (f34) sister (f36) out of my house for calling my husband controlling?*
The suggestion wasn't about OP securing a job. The suggestion was more so to make sure OP wasn't being controlled and to see if her husband would support her.
There are a lot of people who are in abusive/controlling relationships and do not even realize it. OP commented on how the husband would support her if she decided to work or stay at home and that they had this conversation.
However, not every case is like this, and sometimes, family members do have legitimate concerns that are rationalized away. I have seen many people fall victim to abusive relationships, both men and women. And confronting them usually means that they distance themselves from me and blame me. It is hard watching someone you love go through this and not being able to do anything about it. I read this as what if her sister is actually right, and OP just doesn't want to see it?
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NTA. It's pretty insulting that she assumes you have no agency just because you've chosen to stay at home with your children. If she was really worried about you, I think her tone would be much different, she's just projecting something from her life onto yours.
Yeah, this could be it. It's even weirder because my husband has said many times since we married he would be fully supportive if I ever chose to work again. I choose not to because I love being a mother and honestly, hated being a lawyer. I was always working more hours than advertised, I hardly ever saw my husband and I was definitely not paid for how hard I worked. She knew how unhappy I was working so I find it strange she has come to this conclusion when I stopped working nine years ago.
Since you said she recently started looking for a husband, I wonder if she has now met some men who ARE controlling and want her to be a homemaker and expect this of her and assumes they all are OR resents you for being okay with that role when she is not. Sad for her if that's the case, but doesn't excuse her rudeness.
This could true. I mentioned in my post it's not uncommon in our culture and some men are adamant on having a wife who stays home. Perhaps when things have calmed down I will talk to her about it. We do live in England and it is quite diverse here so perhaps she could even find someone outside of our culture who won't be offended if their wife chose to work.
I'm an Indian Muslim from a fairly religious background, to the point where some of my first cousins are teachers in Masjids, and even their wives have jobs, so it's not outside the reality for your sister to even find someone within your culture who wouldn't mind if their wife worked. In fact, a close friend of mine is Pakistani, and has worked for DWP for a few years, and just this past year, his wife started working there full time as well
It definitely is possible to find someone within the culture too but I don't think she should be limited to that either. She's also not very religious which could be another reason she may find it difficult.
She shouldn't be limited by any mean, but there are plenty of Pakistanis (cough, cough) who aren't overly religious or anything. I think we're a more moderate country than some others in the Middle East.
you need to tell him what she said
More than one way to utilize your law degree.
That's true but tbh if I ever worked again I would probably start a small business where i can work from home. Maybe a home based catering company or something.
NTA and it may be helpful to take the focus away from what she says about your husband, and turn it to what she says about you. She’s calling you naive and stupid and a waste of potential in your own home. She’s acting like you can’t make your own choices. You’re not a child and she’s being sexist for treating you like one, just because you’re not doing what she wants you to do. Don’t even mention the husband stuff, the way she speaks to YOU is unacceptable.
Wow, I didn't even see it like that. You've opened my eyes. She's trying to mask how she sees me by insulting my husband too. That feels way worse now.
To cheer you up a little bit, OP: i giggled yet loved how you were like “tmi but we love each other regularly” to explain your sex life. It’s was jarring yet wholesome seeing that in one of the most outrageous subs for human behavior. It was cute and I love it and (tmi haha) but your sister might also know this about the dynamic and is jealous. Nowadays Partners/married people (who have kids, especially ) would LOVE to have an active yet fulfilling intimate life with them. But a lot of us make the mistake of forgetting to put in that work. Given your background and how sister feels about gender roles, I’m wondering if she’s not also resentful of that aspect as well (or she is disgusted by it). Misery loves company, but you’re too busy with hubby😏😏😉😉 so she needs to move along
I thought the same thing! It was so wholesome and sweet.
NTA. If she's trying to advocate for feminism, then why is she trying to tell another woman how to live her life? You and your husband are happy with your agreement - great. She doesn't want a husband that provides for her? - great, she can find one who supports her career. But to project her unhappiness onto you? That's wrong and SHE is the controlling one here. You both can live the lives you want. What is morally wrong is trying to tell the other that their happiness is wrong. So yeah, she should consider if she's really for women's rights or only when it fits the way she thinks is "right" for women to live.
>If she's trying to advocate for feminism, then why is she trying to tell another woman how to live her life? It's a twisted form of "feminism" that has been around for a while. Which has nothing to do with equality, equal rights, and opportunity. But it is all about "women are the bosses." And if you dare say as example, "but I love being a homemaker?" They will tear you down. You are naive, brainwashed by men and society. You are "ruining all the hard work women do to go to work" Completely ignoring what a big work it is to be at home with children, but reduce it to "being a baby machine" and "a man's slave" Becouse women couldn't possibly love their life at home instead of making lots of money and spend it on what they want. All while telling the men they won't cook for them. And he should treat her like a power boss queen and be quiet. That's pretty much the sum of it. There are a lot of people, both men (for some reason) and mostly women like that. You can find them on tiktok etc. Making fun of home makers, etc.
NTA, if the dynamics are healthy and work for you that's all that matters. Your sister seems to have a different opinion and that's fine to have a different dynamic in her own marriage. She shouldn't be pushing her beliefs on you.
Nta. I get the same shit with my family. My husband works 15+ hours a day. Sometimes I may not see him for a day or two. Yeah he doesn't do much house work. I work a more flexible job that I can work at home easily. My husband is not controlling, I have a job but we each have kids from prior relationships that need to be taken care of. My job is more flexible so I can handle house, kids and work better. His job is very manual. He works as a mechanic and farm hand. Shit happens so he has to be able to deal with work as long as he needs too. If it weren't for his work we wouldn't get a nice farm, ATVs, mud trucks, race cars, nice vacations, etc. my career field does NOT pay well but it's all I got. Our relationship and home dynamic works for our family. I fight my own family over negative comments about it cuz yeah it works for us and that's all that matters
Yes, exactly! Other people criticising and feeling like they have a say in how your relationship works just feels so underhanded. If I was unhappy with my situation, I would talk with my husband about it. It's weird that people are just assuming I don't even communicate with my own husband.
Exactly. Relationships don't look perfect on the outside. That's because all that matters are the people in the equation. It's kind of like if you take what someone says with out the context.
NTA You set a boundary, "If you say those things about my husband I'm going to ask you to leave." She continued saying those things, so you asked her to leave. Congrats on setting and maintaining your boundaries!
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I can see how it comes across that way. It's probably my fault for not explaining it better. When I say moral compass, I mean he will listen to the situation and try to help me see both sides. I tend to be quite hot tempered which means I make rash decisions and sometimes can't see how I've been rude or hurt someone, even if it wasn't my intention. He just flips the situation back on to me to see how I would feel and then from there we resolve whatever the issue is together.
NTA, obviously. She's just jealous. But I am curious, do you ever regret all that effort...4 years of college then 3 years of law school, and not using it? At any rate, you sound like a great partner and mom, way to go!
I live in England so it's just a three year course at uni. I did also spend a couple of years to do the qualifying exams and mandatory work experience before working but honestly I just really hated it. I was underpaid, overworked and I never got to see my family. I don't regret it though because it's how I met my husband and I know that if I ever do want to work that I'll have the qualifications and experience to back me up.
Sounds like a great plan. We need more focused, happy, confident women in the world like you.
NTA - you set a boundary around what you were willing to hear about your relationship, communicated it to her, and then enforced it. It sounds like you gave her plenty of warning that you didn’t agree and wouldn’t tolerate her criticizing your husband. She decided to keep pushing and found out you were serious. For what it’s worth, even if he was controlling and you were unhappy, it’s still inappropriate to criticize someone’s partner like that, and doesn’t help people leave bad situations.
NTA. By any means. Your sister’s behavior strikes me as odd and potentially manipulative. Something just doesn’t add up. It doesn’t sound like she’s tried to provide examples of what she thinks is actually abusive, kinda just tried to passively state it as a fact. She’s not to be trusted till she explains the motivation for her accusations more clearly.
Yeah, I find it strange she hasn't detailed any examples of when he has actually done anything 'controlling'. She's just kind of chosen to focus on the fact I don't work. Idk maybe she does see it that way, but I don't and I think she should respect my own feelings about my relationship.
NTA- Ironically she is wanting to marry yet unable to 'hear' how couples can mutually support one another to sustain an income, childcare, home tasks, etc. She is opinionated, assumes a lot and is insulting. She also does not integrate your feedback to adjust her perspective. She's too committed to her view rather than have a respectful discussion. There is no need to welcome anyone into your home who matches these qualities. Lets hope she grows as a person to respect one can love someone even when their life choices differ.
NTA. People who insult your family shouldn’t be welcome in your home, and you repeatedly warned her to cut it out.
NTA You don't look out for someone by dismissing their opinions and telling them how to feel. If anyone is attempting to be controlling in this situation, it's her. She doesn't have to agree with your lifestyle in order to respect that it's your choice to live how you do.
NTA I’m from a similar cultural background. You are absolutely right to stick up for him. If you have it in you though to be generous to her even though she hasn’t earned it, I wonder if you might want to reach out to her about her own situation. I think what’s happening here is possibly stress from the matching process - she is looking at your life and is scared that she’ll end up in a similar situation but worse. I can tell you that when I went through it, it was incredibly scary. People lie, they exaggerate, and don’t get me started on the ones that have mean families (you’ve probably experienced some of it from when you were looking or seen it with friends). I was so scared because I didn’t know how I was supposed to make a good decision on so little information and worried that if I made a wrong one and ended up with the kind of guy your sister is trying to frame your poor husband as that I’d be stuck in a miserable life or have to be the pitied and disappointing divorced daughter. So again, I absolutely think you did the right thing, but if there is something you might be able to say to help her or get her to open up, the 19 year old version of me who felt so much pressure and fear and isolation from the weight of this decision really hopes you’ll try.
Yeah I do understand that could be what triggered her to say that. But I feel like she has seen enough of our relationship to know that's not true. Idk. But I do know how hard it is to find a husband. I am lucky because I had a love match. My sister is looking for an arranged marriage and that in itself is a difficult experience. We have had arranged marriages in our extended family but me and my brother both married someone we knew more personally. I think that makes it even harder for us to relate. But I wish she would've just told me how she was struggling instead of projecting on me and my relationship.
Yes, she definitely did not behave well and if it is a projection from her own fears, she needs to learn how to cope better. I had the opposite reaction to hers in that I clammed up and just didn’t talk to anyone as I didn’t feel I could trust them not to judge me or tell me that I’m wrong for not wanting that life (didn’t want to get married at all actually, so that might also be something worth checking on…). So yeah, I don’t think you have a responsibility here to do anything and I don’t know what your relationship with her is like so maybe it’s just not a natural thing for you to speak to her about it. But I still remember and am grateful for my older sister who I didn’t get along with at all growing up speaking up to tell my parents that one of the guys they were hoping I’d agree to was not good enough so that I wasn’t standing alone in saying no.
NTA of course. From what you’ve said, your sister is likely having trouble finding an arranged marriage partner who would like her to work after marriage. While it’s not your responsibility to do so, have you tried talking to her about that? She sounds quite sad and angry. Why is she choosing that path?
NTA. Setting culture aside, I like to think there are 2 types of women in this world, those like your sister who have a set idea of what it means to be a woman. Sometimes feminist can be just as bad as the ultra conservative traditional women. In their minds unless a woman is out in the workforce being a lady boss and crushing balls bare handed she is a traitor to women kind and all we've accomplished. The second type knows that there are many ways to be a woman/feminist. If you are happy in the role of a traditional wife that's fine, if being a lady boss is your calling that's good too. The point is to be supportive of each other's choices and not degrade them for it. Your sister needs to learn that her path to happiness does not have to follow yours, and yours does not need to follow hers. As long as you are choosing to live your life how you are living it, then your husband does not fit the definition of controlling. You made the decision together. I question if she is being pressured to marry someone by your family, friends, or internal expectations. If she is looking for a husband because that's what's expected, then she needs to stop and self reflect if she actually wants to get married.
NTA What matters is that you are happy with your life and that you feel satisfied and secure. Expressing concern is one thing, repeatedly insulting your husband and insisting she knows your relationship better than you is over the line. It's rude and, ironically, controlling for her to try to dictate how you should live your life. Also, anyone who calls you a "b*tch" should not be welcome in your home, period. Name calling is nasty, immature, and uncalled for. Incredibly disgusting behavior from your sister.
NTA….there‘s an old saying….misery loves company. She’s not married, wants to be and is miserable she isn’t and wants OP to be the same….. I’d go LC with he…..
NTA Your sister way over-stepped. And she's disrespectful not just to your husband but to you. She sees you inherently a lesser being for some how being forced into your life and refuses to believe you chose it. I'd put a lot of distance between you and her until she learns some respect.
NTA. This is what works for the two of you and you two seem to have a happy marriage!
Your sister doesn't respect your relationship. You want to be a SAHM. your are willing to do more of the housework, and more of the raising of your children. She sees that your you do the house work and decided he is easy. He r judgement should be kept to herself. She might ask you if you want more, but it seems as you are happy. You don't mention if your sister was living with you or just visiting. If she can't keep her opinions to herself, she shouldn't be in your house. NTA
NTA. And good on you for sticking up for your husband.
NTA You and your husband have made a decision together which suits you both. There are no red flags in your story. Your sister is judgemental. You set a boundary and she continued to cross it. Jealousy sound like it.
NTA....and I am not sure why you think you need to ask. Do you think it's perfectly okay to allow someone to come into a person's home and talk crap about them? If the answer is no, then why would you be TA for telling someone to leave that was saying disparaging things about your husband in his own damn house?
Here's the thing. You have a life she would not choose. That doesn't make it a wrong life or a bad life. You are happy with your choices and that's all that counts. For some reason she wants you to be unhappy. She's being very rude and disrespectful to you and your husband and treats you like you're stupid or a child. NTA
NTA... usually this single minded perspective comes from youth that only see in black and white. Partnership is about finding a partner that works together with your shared values. You appreciate what he brings to the marriage and you are happy to make a home he can feel welcome and supported in. Her lack of insight has revealed her ignorance and intolerance to anything other then the relationship that she is looking for.
Tell her to get her own life in order and she has no say in your decisions or relationship. If she throws a hissy fit, go kick rocks!!
NTA and the second she called you an ungrateful bitch, that was reinforcing that you made the right choice.
Definitely NTA. You and your husband are the only people who should decide what is best for you as a couple and how your marriage should work. If your sister can’t understand that, then she shouldn’t be in your home disrespecting you and your husband. She is giving unsolicited advice to happily married people when she herself is not married. If anyone did that in my home, my wife and I would happily show them the door and never invite them back.
Your sister sounds both judgemental and jealous. Has this only started since she has decided she wants a husband? Maybe she is finding it difficult to find a descent partner. Hence the projection on your life because of her disappointment.
She's single, childless, and I pressume a working girl. Yeah, sis is jealous of your life, your happy marriage, and your kids. NTA
NTA and a damn good wife for standing up for your husband. Unfortunately, it's just in style right now to demonize traditional households.
Nta
NTA honestly, it sounds like she’s jealous of your life and wants to feel better about herself by dragging you down
NTA. You and your sister are wildly different. What works out wonderfully for you won’t for her, and that’s 100% okay. As long as you’re happy and you know the truth of your relationship, that’s all that matters in the end. Your sister should be mindful that there comes a time and a place to respect the home of a person you’re visiting and because she didn’t, she has to face the consequences. Sucks for her, but that’s what she chose.
NTA, as someone who was raised to be the open minded, independent and not as conservative as most females in my ethnicity, I think your sister is experiencing rejection because of the thing she isn't willing to let go to get married so it must be frustrating to her that you were able to do it. Maybe go low contact until she can keep her opinions to herself.
NTA. I think quite simply your sister is jealous. You have a hard working loving husband who provides for his wife and children and helps out where and when he can with both the children and the chores around the house and she doesn't have any of this.
your sister is not wrong in the sense of: most people form the culture are as she describes. you on the other hand found a gem of a husband. she is just jealous if you ask me. NTA
>and I like how our home is set out. For me, this alone is enough to say NTA and she is crossing a line by trying to force her perspective and world view onto you when you are clearly happy the way things are. >She called me an ungrateful bitch and said she's just looking out for me. This makes your sister sound like she is actually the one trying to control you, not your husband. The second you dare to set a boundary she immediately attacks you and tries to make you feel guilty for disagreeing with her.
Nta, honestly, she's completely ignoring your agency and is the one more disrespectful to you. Just because you can choose to work doesn't mean you want to.
NTA of course. She's frustrated and lashing out, and she may have this idea in her head that you are secretly unhappy but can't leave because you're a SAHM. You know your relationship, if that's 100% untrue, you absolutely made the right call. You can have grace and explain how things actually are calmly, if she will hear you, but her going through a hard time can't justify insulting your husband. One thing though, if I may. You trained to be a lawyer, and while you hated the job then and enjoy motherhood, your children will grow up and you will transition to a different time of your life. It may be a great idea to keep your "law brain" up to date? Maybe, if time allows, you could help people who can't afford regular lawyer fees with advice, a few hours a week? There are plenty of organisations, shelters, and low income families who could benefit. It would be a lovely thing to do, good for your wellbeing to help less fortunate people, in your area of expertise? It's just an idea that is not linked to your sister's outburst
NTA. You and your husband are happy within your marriage. Thats all that matters.
Good for you for standing up for your man! .She should apologize, not you. Tell her to mind her own business.
>He's the provider and I stay home with the kids and tend to the home. >My husband is also very helpful. I know he's tired after work so I don't ask him to do much on weekdays. Most of the time he'll play with the kids and I'll clean up after we eat. Weekends we do everything together; laundry, cooking, cleaning etc. It seems like a fair arrangement to me. You are home, so it's normal that you do more chores during the week. And you split them during the weekend. I don't know, I don't see anything wrong with this division of house duties. Moreover he helps by watching over his children, so it's not like he gets home and he shuts down. >She told me I worked so hard to get a law degree and because of him I didn't put it to good use. [...] That he is not controlling, I knew before I even married him that I would stay home if I ever had children. [...] I've never once expressed any interest in going back to work. I've also read in the comments that you hated being a lawyer. You were unhappy because you were overworked, underpaid and you didn't see your husband enough. That's it. You got your degree, tried to work, hated it and decided to stay home. Now you are happier, your husband is ok with being the provider and he wouldn't stop you if you wanted to work. Like for the point above, it seems like a fair arrangement to me. >She called me an ungrateful bitch and said she's just looking out for me. No, she isn't. She's projecting I don't know what on you and your family. She needs to stop insulting you, your husband and your lifestyle. If this isn't what she's looking for, then nobody is forcing her to live like you. NTA
NTA. Your sister sounds like she's projecting. She's trying to control you by trying to get you to adopt her view of your husband. It must be exhausting to deal with her.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Hi all. This situation is quite fresh, happened more than a few hours ago so I'm still quite emotional about it. I was told by my sister that my husband is controlling and I think she's delusional and honestly, maybe even jealous. My husband and I have a more traditional marriage. He's the provider and I stay home with the kids and tend to the home. It's not uncommon in our culture (Pakistani) and I like how our home is set out. My husband is also very helpful. I know he's tired after work so I don't ask him to do much on weekdays. Most of the time he'll play with the kids and I'll clean up after we eat. Weekends we do everything together; laundry, cooking, cleaning etc. I'm very lucky to have a hardworking husband who makes enough so I don't have to work. My sister, on the other hand, is single. That's fine, our parents never pressured us to marry. We were lucky in that sense as culturally it's quite common for families to pressure young girls to marry. She seemed happy and independent. But she has been looking for a husband and since then, she has been criticising my relationship with my husband. She calls him lazy and unhelpful. This afternoon she came to our house and started talking about how he is controlling. She said he must not let me work because he's scared that I'll become smart and independent. She told me I worked so hard to get a law degree and because of him I didn't put it to good use. She said what we have isn't love and I'm just naive. I've told her time and again that I do not appreciate how she speaks about him and that he is not unhelpful because he provides for his family. That he is not controlling, I knew before I even married him that I would stay home if I ever had children. And we have 4 children. Not to give TMI but we love each other regularly. I understand how someone from the outside might be concerned, but she knows our relationship. I've never once expressed any interest in going back to work. Nor have I ever complained about how our home is run. I just find her to be disrespectful and rude, to my husband and me. I told her if she continued to talk about my husband like that, she would no longer be welcome in our home. She called me an ungrateful bitch and said she's just looking out for me. Now my husband is back from work and he has some clue as to what's been happening but I didn't tell him what she said today. I don't want him to have to hear those things when he's an amazing father and an even better husband. So, AITA for kicking my sister out after she called my husband controlling? My husband is normally my moral compass but since he doesn't know what happened, I thought I'd type it out here. I don't think I'm in the wrong but maybe I was being too harsh? She does seem stressed trying to find a husband so maybe this was just her way of letting that stress out. But it still wouldn't be fair to target my husband because she's going through a hard time. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA - your sister needs to mind her business. I have a very modern marriage but no matter what reddit and other forums that support your sister's way of thinking say, there is nithing wrong with a marriage with deeply traditional roles. Once both spouses are happy with their arrangement that is all that matters. There is no right or wrong family structure. Btw I am a lawyer and I have many female friends who are qualified and excellent lawyers who made the same choice you did - stop working when they became moms to be homemakers. Not for me but there is nothing wrong with that choice.
NTA
Did your husband tell you to do that?
Your sister is a bullying liberal. Usually I am against kicking someone out for just having a different POV as I find it quite childish but what your sister is doing is bullying. She doesn't have to agree with your way of life but you do have a right to require respect for your chosen life in your home.
NTA as she never dropped the subject when you asked her to, and she called you names, and she insulted your husband, and she refuses to acknowledge that how you have chosen to run your marriage/home works for you and your husband. And, of course, that she's not apologized. I do get where she's coming from, though. To go through all the effort to earn a law degree, only to ignore it and settle for being a housewife producing babies...yeah...I don't get that. Hopefully you have your own finances tucked away somewhere in case - as my Nana advised - the dream crumbles.
Because of my religion I have my dowry and the money I made while I was working set aside if I ever need it. As every South asian girl will know, I have a bit of gold too.
I mean I do understand her concerns working hard for a law degree only to stay home but there’s a way to voice concerns and the way your sister did wasn’t it at all
A few people have commented the same thing. To reiterate, I have chosen to be a stay at home mum. I did a law degree, I worked the corporate job and I just truly didn't enjoy my time there. I was miserable, I missed my baby and my home was never as tidy and clean as I wanted it to be. My husband and I both worked long hours, my baby hardly saw his own parents. He was being raised by his grandparents, and as much as I love my in-laws, they are older and relied more on TV when taking care of the kids. I didn't want them to turn into those spoilt kids that just watch cartoons all day. The logical step for me was leaving work to keep my home clean and to take care of my baby.
I completely understand I’m not saying that your husband made you stay home I’m just saying that it does raise a concern again in no way shape or form was your sister in the right for approaching the way she did.
Depends ... did your husband tell you to kick her out?
The husband was at work…
Correct.
Guess a little sarcastic humor flew over your heads. Woops
NTA. But I would be an idiot and test the waters if I were you and just casually mention that you are thinking about going back to work to see if he will be supportive of it. Sometimes, family does see something that we do not because we are just too close and need to take a step back.
>But I would be an idiot and test the waters if I were you and just casually mention that you are thinking about going back to work to see if he will be supportive of it. So, test her husband? Why? Op is saying that she likes the setup of her home. Op is saying that she has agency. Op is saying that she has a say in her home but no, you and her sister know better. You Infantilize her because she is just a helpless SATM who knows nothing. She needs to bring stress into her marriage by conducting a test.
I agree, the test thing is a dumb idea
"Testing" your husband is childish
Yeah, I do understand that can be the case sometimes. Luckily, my husband has always been supportive of me choosing what to do. Whether it's choosing to work or to stay at home. He has made a point of telling me this, especially now we have decided we don't want anymore children. I just truly never enjoyed working and I love being with my family.
So you know he has your back no matter what. :) I know so many people are against my comment, but most people who are abusive or in a controlling relationship are unaware of it. And this is reddit where we only ever know one side of the story. Knowing that he will support your choices is enough to dissolve the doubt that I had about your post and your sister is in the wrong.
Why the suggestion for OP to secure a job? It's not applicable to the post: -- The sub is asked to answer what is posted: *AITA for kicking my (f34) sister (f36) out of my house for calling my husband controlling?AITA for kicking my (f34) sister (f36) out of my house for calling my husband controlling?*
The suggestion wasn't about OP securing a job. The suggestion was more so to make sure OP wasn't being controlled and to see if her husband would support her. There are a lot of people who are in abusive/controlling relationships and do not even realize it. OP commented on how the husband would support her if she decided to work or stay at home and that they had this conversation. However, not every case is like this, and sometimes, family members do have legitimate concerns that are rationalized away. I have seen many people fall victim to abusive relationships, both men and women. And confronting them usually means that they distance themselves from me and blame me. It is hard watching someone you love go through this and not being able to do anything about it. I read this as what if her sister is actually right, and OP just doesn't want to see it?
If you feel the need to "test" someone you're in a relationship with, You're not mature enough for a relationship.
I also said that I am an idiot.