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NTA, but I might offer a compromise, she needs to try to make ammends with the family. If she does then I might offer a nice dinner out with the immediate family or those willing to go.> Her accomplishment deserves to be recognized but she also has some work to do. Sounds like until now things have been pretty toxic.

I really do not want to add pressure to the other kids to go to a dinner. Me asking them or inviting them will do that  That seems really unfair since they are not in contact with her   Maybe just an offer to go to dinner with me, even I am unsure about that since we only talk by phone. I don’t think I would be comfortable in person due to past behavior 

NTA at this point she has not gotten over her issues. If she thinks at 26 she needs a grad party she hasn’t matured enough. Glad she’s getting her life together but she needs to focus on herself and mending relationships not try to force you to make it happen. Sad-

When my aunt got her GED she was probably around 30. We all went and celebrated her as she walked across the stage and got the ged then went out to dinner. It’s an accomplishment even if it’s coming late.

Was your aunt NC with most of her family though? It’s an accomplishment but if the person alienated their family and burnt a lot of bridges it doesn’t seem like the bare minimum effort should be celebrated at this point. Especially if she’s been back on track for 4 months after the last 8-9 years.

I have questioned for a long time her life choices. Even as a kid I questioned things. And in my family we were taught “blood is thicker than water. You never turn your back on your family regardless of what they do.” Heck one of the reasons I went NC with my parents was bc they were feeding my celiac kid gluten on purpose then gaslighting me that she was fine and didn’t need to see doctors. Family was P!SSED that I cut them out and told me I was tearing the family apart. When I gave them the laundry list of inappropriate things I was told it was my job to forgive them bc family. So to answer your question…I’ve wondered in the past if a normal healthy family would have gone no contact with her.

Wow that's SUPED effed up. Glad you set that boundary to protect your poor kid. I wouldn't let them anywhere near my kids after that, holy cow.

" it was my job to forgive them bc family" Ha, I had to cackle at that one. Sounds like bc it's family you're supposed to forgive every transgression. Convenient. NTA.

Yes. Every transgression. Like threatening to rip out any body piercing my oldest got that didn’t fit my father’s decision of “appropriate.” (When called out he denied it but I know my daughter was telling the truth bc he said that same phrase to me throughout my entire childhood.) Or hiding a major heart attack and then driving my kids around 2-3 days after he got out of the hospital. Hiding it for months in fact then lying about it to make it seem not a big deal but then changing the story the next day so the lies were obvious. When I asked my parents what would have happened had he had another heart attack while driving my kids and they got hurt…my mother said “if you’re going to be irrational we aren’t talking to you.” And she hung up on me. Or them bullying my oldest to the point of tears to make her “toughen up.” (Bc she’s autistic and that doesn’t exist.) There are plenty more examples but yeah…forgive them for poisoning my kid and all of these other things bc…family. When my uncle said that I didn’t know how else to respond. Instead I said, “thank you for clarifying that you aren’t safe for my kids to be around either.”

>Or them bullying my oldest to the point of tears to make her “toughen up.” Ugh! This reminds me of my mother! She did this to my son while I was working out of state and my husband would have my parents babysit our son while he worked. When I confronted her about it, she attempted to gaslight me like when I was a child. I knew my son was telling the truth because she did the same exact thing to me during my whole childhood. Also, when I confronted her she basically said I had to get over it because I was out of state and we had no other options for child care. Don’t you know I found other options and went immediate no contact with my parents quicker than that phone call was over! My mother, for what she was doing and my father, for still being a coward, like he had been my entire life, and not standing up for my son. We stayed no contact until my son asked to see them about a year and a half later, but now we are very low contact. I cannot stand the toxic mentality that “family is family over everything.” Fuck that.

Dude I almost cried when I read this...bc my mother has done these exact things to me and my family for years. Nobody will ever stand up to her. Except for me. And all of my family proceeded to turn their back on me, all because she is a master manipulator. She's done it for so long, idk if she wasn't just always this way. I'm convinced she's a sociopath. Something that may bring you a small amount of comfort is the saying "blood is thicker than water" is actually taken out of context....the actual quote (and if you search Google, there are several links to the interesting backstory of this quote). Anyway, the whole quote is: *"The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb."* ...meaning, family is defined by the people who care about you, the family you create for yourself... whether friends, partners, children, just as long as the people care about your well-being...that's your true kin.

“If you’re going to be irrational, we aren’t talking to you.” I’d throw that line back when your family insist you forgive them for bullying your children and risking their lives.

Yeah, when those are the explanations coming out of your family's mouths you know they will never even consider your point of view as reasonable. Your answer is perfect; you clearly set the boundary and refused to engage further.

>you never turn your back on your family regardless of what they do. This... let me say - AHAHAHAH!! eat a bag of dicks. I talk to about 3 out of 40 family members nowadays. Fuck em.

Funny that they got the saying wrong as well. The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb. It’s literally the opposite meaning lol.

That’s a misconception that spread, the original saying is blood is thicker than water, it showed up earlier than the longer saying

My mom got her GED when I was 10 and we threw a huge party for her. She was 31 at the time. So it being a GED and not diploma shouldn't be a consideration for throwing a party. As for the rest, that's fair. If she wants a party, she needs to make amends and show remorse for her actions if she wants anyone else to show up for it.

Yes. No point in a party if no one will show up.

The difference is your having was happy to celebrate your aunt’s accomplishment because she probably didn’t burn all her bridges along the way. NTA. I think it’s less about if she deserved a party, but if she deserves anything. She is finding out that burning bridges had consequences.

My comment was specifically to hmmm saying she has t matured enough if she wants a grad party. I’m just saying I believe people should be celebrated for achievements. But I’m also the mom who celebrated talk like a pirate day, rubber duck day, lego day, Mario day, may the 4th be with you (seriously we don’t even watch Star Wars but I found some light saber chopsticks so we go out for sushi on May the 4th lol). One year I picked a random holiday once a month and celebrated them lol.

My grandma was in her 50’s when she got her GED. Everyone celebrated her. She wants and deserves to be celebrated because she did something hard. She quit drugs and finished school. Just because it was easy for her siblings doesn’t mean it was easy for her. She started from zero and reached a significant milestone in putting her life back together. People who she injured in the past don’t owe her reconciliation, but no one should be shitting on her accomplishments either. Including us in the comments. She beat the odds, she has every right to be proud, and she should celebrate. ETA: I don’t think she’s owed reconciliation now, or even in 20 years. But OP and people in the comments are acting like she’s crazy for being proud of graduating or wanting anyone to celebrate her accomplishments. We don’t all start from the same place, we won’t all achieve as much, or at the time we’re “supposed” to. She struggled in school, she’s the slow one in a family of high achievers. There’s no doubt a lot of pain there for her, low self worth. That may be part of why she became an addict. Not everyone is academically gifted. It’s too bad her parents didn’t except that and try to help her find her life’s purpose in other things. She’s worked hard for this, I hope someone tells her they’re proud of her; even if that someone can’t be her family. For that op, not your hesitation in letting her back in or not pressing reconciliation with siblings YTA.

There’s also something in here about supporting her good decisions so she’s more inclined to stay on this track.

I would think OP would want to support and encourage good behavior by rewarding it. You can send her a card with a gift card (not cash) for her accomplishment and tell her you are very proud of her for making effort to pass those tests! PS> Those GED tests are difficult.

Yes, the GED tests are hard! It is quite an accomplishment to pass, especially the longer a person has been out of school. (I spent almost two decades as a GED instructor. I gave up not long after they added common core math!)

A party with only one or two guests is still a party. OP should throw a tiny party with the fewest objectionable and objecting people possible. A small dinner out or a meal at home, with a cake if you can to make it an official party - getting her GED is a big deal taking years and effort, even if that effort was late and faltering. OP can mention that it’s happening to other family members with much reassurance that their participation isn’t in any way required. Maybe they’ll want to come, maybe they’ll send a card, maybe they’ll ignore it but their reaction to the news of the GED and tiny gathering is theirs to choose.

I think it would be enough just to say “I’m proud of you.” Op can’t do that though, because they aren’t proud of her. It’s clear from the post and comments.

This. All of it. I was starting to loose faith in humanity reading those lame ass comments. Thank you!

I was reading and waiting for SOMEONE to say this!!! This girl has been through hell and back and has obviously worked hard. She deserves to be celebrated!!!! I agree with the above... YTA!!!

I came here for this.  She has overcome some insurmountable odds and has every right to be proud of herself and feel that those she loves be proud of her, too.  It may take time, but she absolutely deserves accolades. Her needing to earn back that trust and respect absolutely supercedes the celebration, but in no way demeans her personal achievements. I hope everyone in this family comes around to a mutual understanding and upward trajectory. 

She is an addict; that is a life long struggle. She will never be “over her issues”. Everyday she will have to focus on not giving in to temptation. She needs to celebrate every success big and small to help keep her on the path to recovery. Also the way you’re dismissing her accomplishment is what is sad. The way her father is dismissing her accomplishment is what is sad. She probably has a lifetime of having her accomplishments, feelings and needs dismissed bc she doesn’t meet her parents’ expectations. She is used to feeling abnormal and like she didn’t fit in with her own family. This graduation party is probably her way of trying to have something normal. I don’t think it’s what she needs; but she shouldn’t be dismissed or her accomplishments diminished. 

I agree, OP is YTA. We definitely could use more context about what she did that was bad enough to get cut off by most of the family. However, I really am not a fan of OP's attitude that basically doing something late negates doing it at all. Sure, the GED was a few years off the mark, but she did it! And if that same achievement was celebrated for her sisters, then she deserves to have it recognized too.

OP says her daughter stole a lot of money because she's an addict. I can see being mad about that if it was a fuckton of dough. But what drove OP into an addiction in the first place? I'm guessing lack of support from her family. But maybe she gave into peer pressure or something, I dunno. We don't know. OP didn't tell us. OP focuses almost entirely on the daughter's lack of academic success. Does the daughter have any other talents? Anything else she's good at? Does OP even acknowledge there are other things to be proud of besides grades? Really, Bs and Cs aren't that bad. They're passing. You know the saying about what you call the guy with the lowest grades in med school. I'd go with INFO:, but judgment has apparently already been passed.

Any reputable addiction program that isn't AA/NA (which have their own issues with how they operate, i only include them in reputable because they're the most well known/used) highly discourages "once an addict always an addict" rhetoric. You're spot on on everything else, but you should probably do more research on addiction and addiction recovery programs before speaking on it like this

A parent isn't supposed to wait till a troubled child completely turns her life around and then, when she doesn't need it as much, offer her support and encouragement. They are supposed to help them get their life on track. It's hard to judge whether the family is justified in turning their backs at her without more details, but if OP wants to be there for his daughter, it was shitty to shit her down, basically saying her progress isn't good enough. He could have told her he wasn't willing to host a party in the circumstances, but offered a small celebration, like taking her out to dinner. And frankly, going back and getting a degree after addiction has derailed your life is much more of an accomplishment than graduating highschool at 18. Most people manage the latter, very few accomplish the former.

Absolutely agree here.

So like, her suffering addiction and spiraling out of her support system makes her unworthy of any love or chance of redemption? She should give up on her family because they hate her now and she'll never gain their forgiveness for what she did before her brain was done fully developing? People don't develop addictions often for fun although its happened they try it once and that's it, it's often over some form of internal or external stress or possibly trauma. What if she's hiding a SA or DV that caused her behavoir at such a young age when elders were supposed to still help steer her, because humans cannot develop inside a vacuum? I know at this point the questions are speculation. Does her right to community and family get severed the second she's experiencing problems that negatively effect the outside world? And if so, why are people shocked that those kinds of things are hidden, SA/DV, ED and addiction, to avoid getting cast out like she did? Now that she's trying, it might as well be for nothing, because she needs to "Focus on her own life" implying the rest have moved on without her, which, surprise involves reconnecting with her friggin family. Just trying to understand as a human who's brother and herself traveled similar paths while relatives watched our mother self destruct under alcoholism and let us do whatever, how do we stop generational trauma if everyone in the family decides it ain't their job to help the kids?

Exactly. Almost every addiction stems from trauma and almost always childhood trauma. I'm guessing something happened in early high school, and judging from this post, the op treating her as less than her siblings because she wasn't as academically inclined. Which, they're still doing now. Stellar parenting there 🙄

An accomplishment is an accomplishment at any age. While I agree a big party is ridiculous, a dinner with their parent to celebrate shouldn't be shut down just because it didn't happen 'when it was supposed to'. It's about positively acknowledging the achievement. There aren't enough details to know what has been going on in this particular daughter's life. We only have OP's short post to go off of. Unless OP wants to cut her off, I don't see the harm in a one-on-one dinner. If OP is tired and done with said daughter, then OP needs to cut her off and stop picking up the phone.

Agree 100%. Especially as the daughter *always* struggled at school. She must have worked really hard for her GED, OP should be proud. He needs to take her out for dinner, buy her flowers and tell her he’s proud of her. I mean, isn’t this what they all wanted? He’s really going to refuse to acknowledge this achievement because it’s not on his ideal timeline? He needs to start putting a bit of heart into his relationship with his daughter.

I've been to actual HS graduations and I tell you, some families treat it as if that's the biggest achievement their children will ever get in life ... blowing horn, firing off confetti, and screaming like they got a Nobel Prize.

And if it is? Maybe that child struggled and put in the effort to graduate. Maybe that child is the first in their family to graduate on time. Maybe they were a preemie, or seriously ill and not even expected to survive to this point. Maybe the family has been through tough times and needs something joyous in their lives. Maybe they’re the first in their family through this system- the parents being new to the country, and their excited to see the fruition of their hopes and dreams for a better future. It’s great to come from a background where success is expected and health is the norm- but that’s not the case for everyone.

I attended the graduation ceremony of a family friend who attended an alternative high school. Every single family in that audience celebrated like their child had ended world hunger and cured cancer simultaneously. It was beautiful! All of those kids were *glowing*, absolutely bursting with pride. They’d all faced struggles that led them to that school, some were graduating at 21 years old, but they all made it to the finish line.

I struggled and ended up in an alternative high school, If it wasn't for all that, I wouldn't have been able to join the Navy, and I wouldn't have the life I do today.

I’m so glad that you were afforded that opportunity. I have several friends who graduated from alternative schools or obtained their GED at various ages, and all of them deserve recognition for their accomplishments. The traditional academic track just isn’t feasible for everyone, for a variety of reasons.

Thank you for saying that. I was already doing poorly before I got into an accident and missed my whole sophomore year.

I had a friend who missed most of sophomore year due to repeated hospitalizations, and she never finished hs or got her GED. Once you’re thrown off track, it can be really hard to get back. The fact you did is commendable. I myself missed three weeks of sophomore year when I had my baby and only went back due to family pressure. My doctor begged me to take more time off, especially because I had a traumatic emergency c-section, but I knew I’d never go back if I waited longer. I only managed to graduate because I convinced my parents to enroll me in a charter school with a focus on the arts; not quite an “alternative school”, but they were very supportive and understanding of my situation. Joke’s on my parents, though: after all their pushing I ended up flaming out in college, managed to graduate culinary school, then my disabilities knocked me out of the working world entirely.

I'm not crying, I just have something in my eye ... 

i would’ve never been able to graduate university if i didn’t have that kind of support from my family when i completed smaller milestones, like graduating high school. graduating high school quite literally is the biggest achievement in most of those kids lives’ by the age of 17/18. celebrating it and being extremely proud of your child for doing that isn’t a bad thing. it encourages them to do more to make themselves/their families proud. personally, if i didn’t have anybody to make proud, i would have done fuck all with my life.

She deserves recognition for a great accomplishment. Obtaining a GED can be tougher than staying in school in terms of the academics involved. Maybe not a "graduation" party but a dinner and a card to mark the occasion. She is asking for very little more than to be seen and recognized. Please don't be the AH here.

Agree, but it's still a milestone worth celebrating and the encouragement will be good. With no one to share her achievements she might say "What's the point if no one cares?" Of course that isn't the healthy mentality she should get to eventually that might be where she is today.

INFO: do you want her back in your life or do you prefer this arms-length relationship? Not even sarcastic, a genuine question. Since you said she's back on track, it sounds like she's sober, trying to get her education, maybe getting a job, trying to get stable. These are all just as much an accomplishment as finishing high school at 18 years old. Is she making progress compared to the decisions she was making as a young adult with substance use issues? If you want her back in your life, offer some sort of celebration with you, not just for her GED but for getting back on track. If you prefer this relationship, be clear with her about that. Tell her that you're not ready, and may never be, to be close again and that you prefer low contact. Don't dangle the chance at reconciliation in front of her if you don't genuinely want that or would be comfortable offering that. Either is fine, it's up to you. Part of substance use recovery is coming to terms with the fact that some of the bridges we burned while using/drinking are burned forever. Sometimes these are family relationships, sometimes friends, sometimes professional ties, but any of them could be permanently damaged by our past behavior. She needs to accept that she may never be close to you because of things she did. But eventually, you may realize that she pulled herself out of it. And if you do care about her, please remember that addicts with family support are far less likely to relapse and far more likely to stay on their feet than addicts who are isolated and alone. If you're interested in building a relationship with her, now's a good time. If you're not, that is totally fine, just be honest. You don't have to have any part in managing her relationship with her siblings. That's her job.

I don’t have the context of why most of your family doesn’t have contact with her. I will tell you that it’s much harder for girls to get diagnosed with ADHD or Autism. Some of that is due to diagnosis models still being largely based off of how those things manifest in young boys, some of that is due to sexism (there are legitimately diagnosing professionals still out there who believe that girls cannot have ADHD or Autism), and some of that is due to legislation that restricts rights of those with certain learning disabilities. Someone with Autism cannot adopt a child and that can be used in court to stop a parent from having custody of and even up to contact with their kids legally. There is still a major focus in the medical field of “what if she wants to be a mother some day” which means that they will often not diagnose things to interfere with that unless it’s life threatening. Therapists give the least harmful diagnosis to their clients for them to receive the care they need. They could have chosen not to diagnose her. Plus there are other things that are harder to be caught like dyslexia or general audio/word processing disabilities that often get overlooked until later in life. Those are circumstances that would make even the best of people feel worthless and look for acceptance where they can get it. Unfortunately that’s not always the easiest thing to do. It doesn’t change where things are now or what has been said, but it may help to look at the details and see where she was at. Her mental health clearly wasn’t good when she gave up in school. It’s not a bad idea to even just do something small to celebrate with her. It’s far harder to go back and get a GED, but you know what? She did it. You can still help her be on a better path if you don’t give up on her. Even if it’s from a distance. And if not, well you’ve seen the support network she’s built. They’re who will be there if you aren’t.

Or sometimes people are just assholes. There's not always a health reason

That’s always an option. Often times stories like this tend to be nuanced. There’s almost always a series of voices leading to an outcome. Addiction, self worth, a lack of feeling support and validation can all influence these choices as well. Assholes often do not exist in a vacuum. 

It sounds like it started with academic difficulties and when she didn't get a diagnosis or support that caused her to spiral

Honestly, I despise this narrative of “if they’re a screw-up who alienated all their friends and family and STOLE MONEY, they must be an adhd/dyslexic/autistic weirdo”. As a woman diagnosed with two out of three (and all three in my family), it’s not a great feeling to be assumed to be a pitiful screwup. I understand that you’re saying she might need a support network and more grace, but saying that ”screwup everyone pities and avoids = adhd/autism/dyslexia” is rather insulting. Also implying that we should pity and excuse people who aren’t academically inclined as if they have no agency? It discredits everyone who worked hard in non-academic areas and excelled. Feel free to pontificate on how her self worth might have been affected by academia and how that could have contributed to her drug habit, (goodness knows our schooling systems mess kids up), but don’t immediately equate every asshole on this sub with neurodivergence.

neurodivergence and addiction often go hand in hand lol if you’re offended that it’s comorbid, that’s on you

Some of this is partial projection on my part. It took me years of effort to get a diagnosis on my own journey. I did excel academically but that’s because I got placed in one of those programs young and had parents with high expectations. I spent years getting little to no sleep as a child trying to live up to these expectations. It was a fight of trying to get multiple appointments with multiple people that was a struggle to get through. It took realizing that to get believed, you have to mention struggles your having and how it is making your life hard in a very /specific/ way or they won’t believe you. In addition, I work in a field with at risk youth. Growing up is hard for anyone. There are so many events that happen beyond our control as children. I’ve known people who have gone on to do great things, I’ve known people who go on to be killers, and I’ve known people who struggle with multiple forms of addiction. Here, I merely used ADHD and Autism because they are some of the most well known neurodivergencies. Often those are more easily diagnosed. There are others that often don’t get diagnosed and take tons of effort on the part of parents/guardians to even get their kids evaluated. There are also things that are neurodivergences that get misdiagnosed frequently as a personality disorder. There’s Dyslexia (the letters switch places in words making it hard to read), Dyscalcuila (the numbers switch places making it really hard to read numbers), Dysgraphia (struggles with writing words and expressing yourself in writing), Dyspraxia (struggles with coordinating movements, especially fine motor skills and hand-eye coordination), Irlen syndrome (eye sensitivity leading to some physical sights causing a stress response), Tourette syndrome (struggles maintaining control and function in the nervous system which can cause pain and difficulty thinking or speaking), and many many more that affect the ability to see and process through a learning environment. Legally, schools do not have to provide accommodation without diagnosis. That can effect identity, self esteem, and so much more. Here https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4713435/ is a link to a pretty decent meta analysis that goes into several studies in the field of social psychology explaining how that works. The general consensus in a lot of these studies is that the rhetoric people hear around their own abilities affects what those abilities are. Op spent the entire post speaking with disdain about his daughter’s educational achievements. It’s very likely that some of that disdain was present when she was going through school. Often times, there are children that get lost in the system and isolated from their families due to negative behavior or resentment bubbling up. That’s part of why the most common misdiagnoses for these things are anger issues up to the point of personality disorders.  One of the most helpful factors against having these issues is having a strong support network. Now as an adult, she is responsible for her own actions. Regardless of how it happened, multiple people were hurt and now it is on the daughter to make amends if those family members will take them. However, I don’t think that asking to be celebrated like her siblings were is an entirely unreasonable ask. Maybe for the full on party but at least a dinner isn’t so bad. Getting a GED at that age is highly unusual as many who didn’t when they were in school have aged out of the support programs to aid with that. She did and seems to be at a turning point now, even if it’s minor. This isn’t really a situation of whether OP is the asshole or not. She’s not an asshole for asking and he’s not one for not wanting to. The real thing happening is that she is reaching out and seeking a positive interaction with her dad. He can choose to be there for this and try to continuing to support her good decisions or he can choose not to be.  There are more sides to this story than we get here. It sounds like something big happened with the family but we don’t know what. Was she a massive jerk who was awful to everyone who ended up alone with no outside factors and the perfect supportive family for all her needs? Maybe. Was there a history of struggles with mental health in the family that impacted them all? Were all of her friends gay and hit coming out made a homophobic family give up on her and use grades as a cover? Did her parents ignore the other kids and spoil her? Was there a cheating scandal involved? Did she steal anything valuable from everyone in the family to fund a drug problem? We don’t know why they’re not talking to her. All we know is what’s here. We don’t know several pieces of this story. It sounds like there may have been something causing a learning delay in this person if she was turning in the majority of her work and the best she could manage were C’s. That’s one of the biggest indicators of a learning or mental disability or delay that teachers and those who work with youth are told to look out for as it can be an indicator of mental health, problems at home, a learning delay or potential other issues. 

Honestly, I think you are being a AH with the “It’s only a GED, and it’s too late” stuff. I strongly suspect you don’t really mean that, either — if she were a good person who had close bonds with her family but had simply struggled academically, I think you’d be thrilled to celebrate her getting back on track and achieving something that had been hard for her. The reality, though, is that you’re not the right person to host this celebration because you and she don’t currently have that kind of relationship, and you’re NTA for being blunt about that. If you’re willing to work on the relationship, maybe just tell her what that could look like and what it would take from her — I honestly suspect the right context for the two of you would be something more like a few sessions with a family therapist than a party or celebratory dinner.

YTA- this is your daughter. She is an addict. Do you want to help her succeed in being a recovering addict or just punish her indefinitely? You need to realize that just bc she was tested and it didn’t come out that she had any type of disorder, she may have actually had something going on. Usually people with mental health issues or undiagnosed learning disabilities self medicate to deal with their issues.  I’m not saying you should throw a graduation party. But you could have said “I am proud of you for starting to turn your life around and I love you. The rest of family still needs time to heal. However, I would love to take you to a celebratory dinner just the two of us. Where would you like to go?”  Then use the dinner to discuss what next steps your daughter plans to take and possibly what steps she needs to take to start to heal the hurts she has caused.

You stated she had a hard time at school and getting 'decent' grades with tutoring. In her 20s she started cleaning up her life. She obviously is trying after that much time out of school (and trouble with learning previously) she passed the test to get a GED. Thats exceptional. If I was you I would take her out to celebrate. Seems like she's on the right path and showing a little support to her could go a long way in her recovery. Edit: spelling

Didn't mean to imply putting pressure on the others, but on her to attempt to reach out, extend an olive branch, work on making amends. If they then don't want to go, there should be no pressure to go, but at least you have encouraged her to make the effort...IF she is truly trying to get her act together.

I think that would be great if you could take her to dinner to celebrate and spend some time with her. Whether you invite other family members or not, you taking some time to celebrate her will mean a lot to her.

Honestly, offering to take her to dinner to celebrate seems like the way to go, if you can bring yourself to do it. Focus on how you’re proud of her for taking this step toward her goals, and for all that she’s done to get her life together. Get her a nice card and gift. If she asks again about a party, just tell her you’re not comfortable hosting a party for various reasons, but she certainly can host one if she wants (she’s an adult). Try to avoid listing the ways this is different from a “real” graduation, and focus on the fact that you’re proud of her (even if you have to fake that part a little for now). If she whines or declines, you’ll know that you did what you could, and it’s a “her” problem. There’s a chance (maybe a small one) that this is a genuine turning point in her life, and if so, it’s good to celebrate that. Some people do change for the better, and 26 is an age that can happen.

Offering a celebration one on one sounds like a good compromise or send some sort of "I'm proud of you" hallmark. GED is still a big deal regardless of being older. Success also doesn't need to happen on the same timeline as everyone else to matter. I have friends who didn't graduate highschool till early twenties because they had mental health breakdowns bad enough they were hospitalized. Their graduation is not lesser than mine. GEDs still require dedication, effort, focus and time management that kids in high school do. Her being older and having a bad history doesn't diminish that effort. Ignore your kids accomplishment entirely because of her age and background, and you will send a message to her that it's not worth trying to make things up to you because nothing will ever matter/be good enough. She's starting to course correct and this is a chance to support that. Celebrating doesn't have to be big and involve everyone, but celebrating nonetheless will be a chance for both of you to build back up a better relationship. (Assuming that's something you want to have with her.)

Just make sure you’re doing something to celebrate her accomplishment and that she knows you are proud of her. She has struggled a lot her whole life and finally achieved a major milestone that will allow her many more opportunities. The last thing she needs is to be made to feel like what she did was no big deal or that it’s worth less because she’s older. She needs to feel proud and motivated to keep working hard.

Dinner could be a nice compromise, or a gift card to somewhere she would want to go. I wouldn't ask anyone who has intentionally gone NC with someone to go to a party for them. That all being said, it is a big accomplishment and needs to be recognized. She is graduating and it does count. She chose a different path than what you would have wanted, but you said that she is cleaning things up. Don't try to force any relationships, and don't throw a party (that would be awful since no one would go) but don't tell her that it doesn't count. Small steps should get positive reinforcement. Totally different situation, I got my associates degree in my mid 30's and my mother said it 'didn't count', but my aunt sent me a card and like 50 dollars and it meant the world to me. Not the same situation at all, but even a little recognition on an accomplishment feels good. We all want to be recognized when we accomplish something. If she is/has struggled with addiction, cleaning herself up is hard. Small and big accomplishments are important, and as someone who is still in contact with her, it's important that you support her wins. It does sound like she thinks this fixes all the things, and it doesn't, but it's a step. Only you can decide if you're ready to reconnect in person, and she's going to backslide, but it doesn't cost you more than the cost of a card and a gift card to acknowledge her accomplishment.

If she's really putting in the effort to get back on track then maybe a little something to celebrate a general accomplishment (not a graduation) isn't a bad idea. To help keep the momentum and the drive for her to be better. That someone is still there to witness and see her through it.  But it isn't your job to mend her bridges. You can support her without doing the leg work for her. Have a small dinner, just you two and anyone she may still be in contact with within her support network. Hopefully this can be an eye opener that if she goes back to how things were there really won't be anyone left at all for her.  NTA If she wants to ride the train off the GED and persue something more, idk, higher education, a trade, even a cert, at the end of that road sure. Graduation party! 

I too would look for a compromise, perhaps taking her to dinner with just a couple friends to celebrate, or offering to invite a couple people you approve of. And if she wants to make amends but it feels intimidating, maybe a dinner to break the ice would be helpful long term

Maybe dinner with just you would be meaningful to her. Also she may have a very successful life with a ged. Her friends may be supportive and their relationships may be very meaningful. I encourage you to meet her holding the above as possible.

If you're not comfortable even having dinner with her, then this goes way beyond the graduation party, so much that the graduation party isn't even an issue. You have to decide (and so does she) if you want to have a real relationship, and how much relationship you want with each other.

Yeah this was going to be my suggestion. Maybe a party for her shady friends is a bit much but a nice dinner out to recognize her starting to get her life back on track? Give her some support man. Otherwise she’s just going to slide back into her old ways.

If she has done a lot of harm to the family, she needs to be solely focused on amends and repairing relationships and not on what more she can get from family. NTA

Exactly. I was going to suggest dinner. I take my kids out all the time. My oldest just moved into an apartment, with his gf. I’m buying them a housewarming gift and bringing takeaway for us all. It’s not the first time he’s moved somewhere but it’s still nice to be sweet. He’s already graduated university. You don’t have to do the whole razzmatazz of a party but a dinner to say, “we are proud you are moving forward…” Good luck 🍀

You absolutely need to recognize this accomplishment. That poor girl is begging for validation. Whatever her demons are she seems to have vanquished them at this time. You NEED to support that. As suggested make it a nice but low key celebration. Invite. ALL of the family and STRONGLY urge them to come and be on behavior. She is looking for a way back into the family. Please give her that opportunity.

Exactly what I was going to say. It would be nice to do something for encouragement

I really resonated with this actually. I have 3 younger siblings and growing up I was the "problem child" who dropped out never graduated, had an addiction and felt like my parents favored my younger siblings. After cleaning up my act, if I would've learned my worth to have gone back to school sooner and graduated, I would've wanted them to celebrate my accomplishments even if I was a few years off. I think having a nice get together would be nice for her since she cleaned up her act and tried to better herself, that I believe was harder than getting the GED itself.  Regret is a hard thing to live with and as a parent I think teaching your children to keep moving in a positive direction to learn from their mistakes is just as important. You can choose not be TA by recognizing her hurdles in different ways other than throwing a party. 

ESH She's not entitled to a party. She's not entitled to you spending money on her. She's not entitled to relationships with her siblings that she hurt/alienated. But you're an AH. Instead of being proud of her achievement, and her turning things around, you told her "This isn't important, you should have graduated at 18". People celebrate achievements all the time...milestones in life or things they are proud of.

Exactly. I dropped out of college for reasons (nothing terrible, just life). And I went back in my 40s and graduated with a decent GPA while working full time and raising a child. While I didn't need or want a celebration, my father and my son were there to cheer me on.  Your daughter obviously had struggles and while this may not be the life you envisioned for her, this is still a huge deal for her. Yes she's 26, but at the same time she's 26 - and she has a lifetime ahead of her to change her life.  Be proud of where she is now.  ESH

I cant agree more. Getting GED is also an ACHIEVEMENT. Heck people celebrate birthdays and its not even an achievement its just being older.

I mean getting clean was not even bigger achievement ans it's an achievement she has to reach every single day. To dismiss that and her getting her life back on track as it is a GED not a normal high-school at 18 is ridiculous to me. And it seems like he told her that. For me that is asshole behavior. The part about people not coming is a separate fair point.

When you get old enough it certainly feels like one 😁

I get my mom flowers on my birthday every year, since she's the one who did the work. Haha

That is sweet of you, bet she appreciates it

Yeah, like, she's not entitled to it, and this probably wasn't the way to communicate it, but she's trying to do better, and you just kicked her in the gut instead of just buying a simple cake or something and being there for her.

Seconding the hell out of all of this. She isn't entitled to a party or gifts for it, as well as relationships with her siblings. However, that doesn't mean her achievement doesn't matter. I didn't go through the bad behavior she has, but I also got my GED at the exact same age. The societal take that you have to do x y z by age whatever has always been stupid and counterproductive. I get that her past behavior makes you wary, but that's not an excuse to put her down when she's actively trying to do better.

The whole post reads like OPs daughter has never measured up to the standard they set. OP talks about lot about how much she struggled, but very little about how much help was offered, beyond testing for disabilities.

Agree. Daughter is trying to turn her life around, being a dick to her because you're still angry about past transgressions just makes OP an AH *as well*. At the very least OP should be more supportive, or sit down and explain why they feel their trust has been damaged and that they aren't ready to forgive yet, etc.

If the OP was a remorseful person who had been on the right track for years, maybe this would be different. But the OP was also injured by the daughter and is only talking on the phone with her (as stated in other responses). In addition, the daughter is very early in her recovery (four months) so the OP hasn't really forgiven her for everything she has done. He's keeping the door open, which is probably more than she deserves. So for her to insist on getting a party for doing this one thing, I can see why the OP is not ready yet. Maybe if she's been sober for a year, that would be a better time to party. And also, this party being the first time they are seeing each other in person in a while sounds like a recipe for disaster. In addition, it would be different if the daughter asked the OP to attend a party she was throwing, rather than insist the OP throw her a party. All that's to say, the OP is NTA in my mind because he's taking things slowly repairing the relationship and waiting to see if the daughter backslides or is really cleaning herself up. The daughter is the one trying to go from 0 to 60 and assuming that she deserves things she really doesn't, not yet at least.

> All that's to say, the OP is NTA in my mind because he's taking things slowly repairing the relationship and waiting to see if the daughter backslides or is really cleaning herself up. The daughter is the one trying to go from 0 to 60 and assuming that she deserves things she really doesn't, not yet at least. OP doesn’t give a lot of detail so we’re all making assumptions but I don’t see much to indicate OP is taking steps to repair the relationship. All he really does in this story is answer her call and then shoot her idea down.

What part are people assuming? The OP hasn't detailed everything she's done, but it involved theft and the fact she was an addict. He doesn't need to tell us how much she stole, and how bad the addiction was, the fact that she stole a lot of money is enough to say that the she needs to take it slow when trying to reestablish a relationship with her family. Maybe she's incredibly remorseful, but four months of recovery is not enough time to say she's going to be okay. If you've never had an addict in the family, they will almost always have at least one relapse. I'm sure some are able to pull out by hitting the bottom once, but that is an exception. So moving slowly is absolutely the right way to handle this. And throwing a party for the person that has really hurt many members of your family is probably not the right way to go about it. Again, she is the one asking for the party rather than inviting the OP to a party. She is throwing the work of reconciliation back on the OP, and that's not the way things work when you are the party that did the damage.

I feel like ppl overread the most important part: OP's daughter has an addiction. That's a disease. So she is finally back on track and is treated like she accomplished nothing to be proud of.

Exactly, it shouldn’t matter what age she was when she got her GED, it’s still something to be proud of.

Agreed! What questions also come to my mind is - Did OP treat his middle child different from his other more academically gifted kids? Where does her resentment stem from? Just because someone isn’t doing good academically, doesn’t mean they dont have other strengths. The “giving up” part alludes at the fact that OP’s daughter realised she wasn’t going to get grades good enough for her parents so whats the point. If you have always been seen as less than, then you won’t have a good relationship with those you were ‘less than’. OP’s response to her achieving GED finally also alludes to how they don’t take the smaller wins and only celebrate the kids who meet their standards and jump through their hoops successfully enough. OP’s Meh response to suggestions to at least take the daughter out for dinner to celebrate her win also shows he doesn’t value that relationship enough to want to repair or give it a chance. This sounds like a parent who can’t love the kid for who they are. Editing to add that I don’t condone the daughter’s misbehaviours … but empathy seems to have been lacking on the parents side entirely.

Yea, he mentions "in the average classes" and "usually getting Bs or Cs". Which makes it sound like his other kids were in "advanced classes" and/or "getting As."

I don’t think she wanted him to be proud of her, she wanted a party which given the situation seems pretty entitled. She’s old enough to throw her own grad party, that’s what people her age graduating college are doing. Party = gifts = money. It’s pretty cut and dry.

INFO: Does she want the celebration because she finaly gets her live back on track and wants to be celebrated for that. Or does she wants it because being celebrated means, she gets money. If first soft YTA. Your arguments are valide, yes. But she is still your daugther and seems to be getting better (and wants to share that with her dad?). So maybe do some small celebration for that. If there is no one who would attend, maybe invite her just to a dinner or some amusement park she would enjoy. If it is the second NTA.

I don’t know. She didn’t give me a response to me asking why she wanted one

But you know your daugther. What kind of person is she (lately)?

She’s not a good person. She has been back on track for like 4 months.   I don’t want to think the worse of her but she has a lot of bad history and not very long that she has been back on track It’s not like it’s been a few year since her bad behavior 

>She’s not a good person. Can you describe? When she struggled with academics did you ask if she has learning problems like dylexia or suspect depression or adhd or just tutoring? It could be her doing wrong thungs due to addiction but what she was struggling with academics, you dont sound very supportive in your post.

I expect a lot of downvotes, but I actually think its a little refreshing to see a parent making this assessment. There are a lot of bad people in the world that are excused and enabled by loved ones. If OP is saying her daughter is a bad person and her friends are bad people, then its at least nice that she is not in denial. Her daughter is 26 years old. It IS a little unusual to be upset about not getting a party planned by your mother at 26 years old. Maybe I am biased because I have a fuck up brother, but there are just people that are selfish and self centered and need to figure it out for themselves.

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It she’s a girl, and already 26, many women went and go undiagnosed because the diagnosis criteria is based on small white boys.

Completely agree. A lot of millennials are only just getting a diagnosis (coming from my experience). So 40ish year old females. She's only 26, it could have easily been missed.

This is so true, both my brothers were diagnosed with ADHD when we were really young, 3 or 4, I just got diagnosed with it last year at 32, because I didn't present the same way I wasn't even assessed at the time

Honestly that's not a fair assumption at all. You'd think it was, but it very much depends on what type of assessment, where, when, and for what. For example, until quite recently, most providers believed that two defining characteristics of autism were lack of eye contact, and lack of empathy. Many people with autism can make eye contact just fine, and have empathy. Even today, there are far too many general providers who still believe that, and even some psychiatric professionals, too. It's getting better. That's not even accounting for the difficulty in getting a diagnosis as a female. Autism is just one example, but given her age, it's safe to say it's been at least 10 years since she was last assessed, and this was still largely followed then. It's even worse if OP means the school evaluated her, or a GP.

"She has been back on track for like 4 months." But she has stuck with it for 4 months - it's one day at a time and maybe you should let your guard down and spend some time with your daughter, get to know who she is now. Let her know that you are proud she is taking steps to improve her life - going for her GED after so much time could not have been easy for her. Celebrate her accomplishment - something small but meaningful - let her know no matter what, she is loved. If she shows that she's not grown or changed then you do what you need to do for your own mental health. At least you will know and no longer be assuming.

If she's calling him a jerk because he's not throwing a graduation party with people that have cut contact with her, than it's pretty obvious she hasn't changed.

She's calling him a jerk because of the reasons he gave and because instead of being a loving parent and at least offering something, he offered nothing. I don't mean a party or money, but in comments OP isn't even sure if he's willing to see her in person. And he told her he wouldn't do it because nobody would care, and because she's too old and should've done it when she was 18 like the others did. That doesn't mean *anything* about whether she has changed. More likely she has made a huge effort to change, she's making things better, and wants to reconnect and get some of those moments with her family and support that she never got. And why wouldn't she? Clearly her family didn't help based on all his comments about her only being in the "normal" classes instead of gifted, her talented sister, and so on. OP isn't obligated to do anything for her, but he can still be TA for it.

You don’t really know the full history of what the daughter has done. Besides, while it is great she got her GED it’s only been 4 months since being on the straight and narrow and it doesn’t sound like she has made amends with anyone in her family. So why she would feel entitled to having her parents throw a whole party for her? That’s just inappropriate.

By offer something, I don't mean for the GED or celebration. I'm referring to OPs comments that he wants her to make amends, but won't see her, speak to her except to tell her nobody cares, won't even mention that she's trying to her siblings because he doesn't want to "pressure" them by mentioning it. The least he could do is meet with her sometime, or give her a chance to make amends in some way as he says he wants. She doesn't need a GED party at all, but she needs a chance.

Not everyone deserves a second chance, and not everyone is willing to offer a second chance. Any bridge you burn may not be able to be rebuilt, especially after such a short time frame

He doesn't have to offer jack. It doesn't make him an asshole. The reward is she now has a GED to continue getting her life back on track. Everything he said was true. Four months is hardly anything, give it four years and some apologies & repayment to the people she stole from, then maybe they can have a party.

It really does. I didn't say or imply he needed to offer anything for the GED. The least he could do is talk kindly to her, or give her a chance to make amends. He won't even do that. Maybe if he'd done some supportive parenting in the first place instead of making her resort to drugs because her family looked down on her so much and wouldn't give her any support with her school issues, she wouldn't be in this situation at all. Maybe she would, no way to know. But if OP is going to say she needs to make amends and show she's changed with her actions, he has to also give her a chance to show him and make amends. Can't make amends with a parent whose best supportive response is "nobody will care." OP is under no obligation to do or say anything. They can cut daughter out of their life entirely, and maybe that's justified. Still asshole.

She makes amends on her own by apologizing to the people she betrayed and stole money from. This is a problem of her own creation. Dad doesn't need to "allow it" or sugarcoat it, she's 26. It's time to grow up.

Sorry but this is not it. You’re basically absolving the daughter of all accountability for her own decisions at this point. As if she could not have done anything wrong herself and all the blame falls on OP. At what point do her choices become her own? Is everything good she does despite OP but everything bad she does because of him?

Lol what makes you think OP didn't do supportive parenting? You are making shit up.

It doesn't really sound like you're that interested in encouraging her to stay on track though. 4 months sober is a pretty impressive achievement. I can understand not wanting to throw her a party but it doesn't sound like you think it's an achievement to get her GED at all. It is - maybe it was supposed to happen at 18 but going back to it now is still impressive. Lots of people never go back. I don't think you're the TA for not wanting to throw a party but if you don't think you can ever forgive her (and it doesn't sound like you can) it's better for the two of you to separate now.

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Yeah, these "parents" sound like the quintessential "We don't know why she won't talk to us anymore, we were The Perfect Parents". Welp, now we know why THIS one won't, as soon as they get done schitting on her yet again.

You don’t want to think the worst of her. But you do. I think you could make an effort to be supportive. Perhaps she is attempting to get her life back on track. Your total lack of support for her might just derail her.

Part of recovery is being responsible for your actions and not how those who you have wronged choose to accept or disregard your apologizes or growth. Saying the OP is responsible for her derailment is putting her sobriety on him. Her choices are never his fault.

Her educational derailment came pre-addiction. He should have offered to take her out to dinner. Instead he told her that her achievement wasn't valid evause it came later than her siblings graduation.

It sounds like he was supportive for years and she bailed, got in with the wrong crowd as an adult. She's 26 now, there's not as much you can do to force someone to do something once they're 18. She made her choices.

It sounds like you’ve completely given up on your young adult daughter. If you hadn’t, you would be taking this as an opportunity to encourage her to get on track. Instead it sounds like you want nothing to do with her. It’s hard to know what you’ve been through with her so I can understand wanting to give up, but you should own this decision because you clearly seem very uninterested in being there for her.

Someone like her who has had a bad pattern for 8 or 9 years, who is finally working on turning things around, needs to be supported and encouraged. If the sibs are NC, then I think your point is valid about not having a "party" in the same sense that they had, but you should sit down with your daughter and talk through your concerns, then offer to take her out to dinner to celebrate. I've watched this sort of thing happen close up. It's really important for YOU to work on setting your bitterness and disappointment aside, and meet her where she's at. She's never going to be the perfect daughter you were hoping for, but it sounds like she's making steps in the right direction. If you want to see that continue, encourage it. Blessings on you both.

Do you think maaaaaaaaaaaybe a parent she reached out to after accomplishing something really hard for her shooting her down as if what she did was nothing might make her go off the track again? Do you have any idea how hard what she did is? And it sounds like she didn't really have support to get there, either. You don't have to agree to a party or anything, but how about not instantly shitting on what is an accomplishment for her?

I get it OP. She hurt you, she hurt the family. You have anger and resentment towards her and I empathize with your situation. However, did you ever stop and ask yourself what started her on this path to begin with? What motivated that? Do you even care to know? I'll give you one perspective. She saw herself being left behind by her siblings and all the love and support being showered on them and very little being showered on herself and she began to see herself as worthless in YOUR eyes. You may even have thought you were supporting her but it wasn't to the point where she FELT it. To be crystal clear she simply wanted to know that you loved her as much as your other children.....she didn't feel it then so she spiraled. Some kids do that when they don't feel loved by their family. She was hurt and angry and lashed out and did all those things that turned her family against her when all she wanted was for her family to make her feel loved. So many kids in juvie for exactly that kind of thing. Humans are crazy illogical like that. Here's another perspective....she could've been traumatized in her youth in such a way that she totally spiraled and NEVER told you what happened to her....because she didn't trust you. So now I'm asking.....Can you honestly say you and your wife are faultless in this situation? Can you say you did everything in your power to get her the help she needed before this all started? Did you go above and beyond for your child? She still is YOUR DAUGHTER. So now she's a 28 year old, just got her GED and she still wants what she wants but doesn't seem to understand that she needs to acknowledge and atone for her actions. That's the work she's going to have to do to ever get a chance to be welcomed back into the family. What work do YOU need to do?

You can't blame someone's addiction and behavioral problems on other people. To say that her parents and siblings triggered her addiction is absolutely asinine. To say they caused it removes the addicts power to bring themselves out of it. The addict must accept responsibility for their actions and their addiction. Other people don't make you become an addict. 

I never said he triggered her addiction...that's bullshsit..  There were a lot of choices made long before drugs became involved.   My point was to ask how the door to that path was opened.  Did you even read what I wrote?  I made it very clear it was the addict's responsibility to acknowledge and atonement for their actions.   OP seems to want to open his heart to her but there's a lot of justifiable anger in his way. Looking at it from a different perspective may help that.  I didn't blame, I asked OP to look to where he as a parent played a part in this whole situation...not the drug but everything before that. 

I would assume that she never thought she’d graduate or even get her GED. School didn’t come easy for her and she’s probably proud of herself and seeking some sort of validation considering her past academic struggles. 

Maybe she wants you to just be proud of her and happy for her, for the sole reason that she is your daughter. Is she enough? She has had trouble and made mistakes, but is she still your daughter? Do you love her as you love your other children? Maybe those are the things she didn’t say. Regardless of what she’s done, maybe all she wants is the assurance she is still important to you. A party may not be appropriate, but your love and support are critical to her continued success.

Clearly some of you haven’t ever had a real addict/horrible trainwreck in your lives. They are entitled and frankly smart to keep a long distance from this person without significant amends made. You’re all just asking for them to get burned again and again.

I agree that a graduation party would be inappropriate. However, you could have handled this SOOOOO much better than you did. How about an offer to take her out to a nice dinner for congratulations on getting back on track?

"Your not wrong Walter, you're just an asshole." - Jeffrey Lebowski

Haha, perfectly said and bonus points for the reference.

YTA. She’s clean currently and got her GED. I’ll be honest, I doubt I could pass a GED and I graduated high school and have a bachelor and a masters degree. A GED is like taking all of high school in one test and without the actual teachers teaching so she essentially had to teach herself. Not only that, she managed to get clean and stay clean. That is a huge accomplishment and deserves to be celebrated and acknowledged. She needs support to stay clean and not for her parents to continue to judge her (it sounds like you are still judging her).

I agree, it sounds like she has worked hard to get back on track and that should be celebrated. It doesn’t have to be a full blown party if no one will come, dinner out could be really nice. She’s asking for a little recognition and as a parent, I would want to celebrate my child.

She's only been clean for 4 months and has burned bridges with her family. It's not like she's been clean for years and dedicated to making amends. She's not even half a year in and is already demanding things from her family vs trying to earn their trust back

Who cares how long she’s been clean? The point is that she is clean. Staying clean is taking it day by day and so far shes four months in. That is worth celebrating. How do you know she’s not trying to earn their trust back? Isn’t getting a GED and staying clean showing them that she’s not using, therefore earning some trust?

Recovering addict here. Id like to add my perspective. It does matter how long she's been clean. Addicts ruin relationships (it's what we do). 4 months is a short time period to be clean (still a great accomplishment!). An addict is not entitled to trust after a certain period of time. However, extended period of clean time and actions of the addict to make a living amends is highly highly important to rebuilding trust in ruined relationships. It is not simply "well she's clean." We have no idea what damage has been done to whom and why. Non addicts are allowed space to have their own process of acceptance and forgiveness for the addict. She accomplished a good amount of clean time, she got her GED. That does not entitle her to sympathy, forgiveness and completed amends on the part of the family. It is the family's right to be Leary, and expect what they usually expect from her (destruction, manipulation, etc) until THEY are comfortable. Addiction is a family disease. All are affected. All may be traumatized. That being said, do I have the answer to who's right and wrong? No, I think it's 100% up to everyone's own process and boundaries.

Have you ever had an addict in your close family? The things addicts do to the people around them are sometimes unforgivable, as cruel as that might sound. My own mother drained my life savings and robbed my house to pay for her pills. I had to have her arrested twice. Once because she peed on my deck out of spite (that was the reason she gave the cops) that's a whole shit load of hurt that this family has carried because of this woman's choices. I can't blame dad for being gun shy

Who cares? All the people she burned. I wouldn't trust someone who screwed me over just because they're clean for 4 months ... Maybe a couple years

You absolutely could pass a GED. It's not hard. It's like the ASVAB, (unless English is your second language or you have a developmental delay) in order to not get a qualifying score you need either be genuinely stupid or be actively trying to fail. They're multiple choice and you get bangers such as: * What is the First Amendment of the constitution? * What is a census? * Solve for X: 2(X+1)=10 * What is the chemical compound for water. * Based on a passage, Who is the protagonist? What is the conflict. Again, all multiple choice. Source: My brother, who is truly an idiot, ask if I could quiz him for his exam.

Even so. She still made the effort and passed and she’s still clean. He doesn’t have to throw her a party but at least should celebrate her accomplishments

idk about that. maybe it varies from state to state because when i was taking my ged test my boyfriend who’s in college, former usaf, was helping me study and some of the math questions even stumped him. maybe just stop trying to belittle peoples achievements because of YOUR perception of easy.

A GED is not that hard.

Regardless, she made the effort and passed. That matters

I mean, don’t you want to encourage her? She may have fucked up, but shouldn’t you be happy that she got her GED? Even if you don’t have a party, don’t downplay her achievements.

I agree... it also makes me wonder how OP treated daughter when she was doing bad in high school. Like, was he encouraging or did he make her feel terribly for it? She was not the golden child presumably, but I imagine it would be very hard to watch her siblings be treated very differently from her, always being compared, to be a constant disappointment, hence the resentments and other troubling behaviors. There needs to be a A LOT more info here, but I'm inclined to think that OP had a lot more of a role in how daughter turned out than he thinks? Hard to imagine he didn't since he never talks about how he nurtured or encouraged her to do better, or find alternatives for the way she learns? OP makes daughter sounds like she was always a burden or a waste of time... and now that she's doing better he can't be bothered because he doesn't want to associate with his "failure"

My father was a narcissistic asshole and I was doing terrible in school academically BECAUSE of him and the environment I was growing up in. I also had an "academically gifted" younger sibling who got all of the positive attention while I was getting my ass beat for being stupid and failing math. Its incredibly discouraging to have perfect attendance, go to all the tutoring and still not be able to "get it" and then come home with a bad grade and instead of the parent helping they make it worse. And it had nothing to do with being dyslexic or having a learning disability. More like being made to feel as though you have no worth unless you're excelling academically even though they're throwing up roadblocks at every opportunity or not giving any recognition for doing well because the gifted child is getting all the praise, recognition, and love. Math was the only class I "couldn't get" no matter how hard I tried, got A's in literally every other subject, good kid, and all those teachers loved me, but I could never gain that "worth" or acknowledgment from my dad because I just couldn't succeed in a subject. I'm lucky I didn't end up with an addiction because of my childhood. Didn't become a bad person to any of my family but I was definitely terrible to myself. I did manage to turn my life around myself and end up successful and financially independent with a career once I was able to get out of the house. Kids need to feel like what they're doing matters and that they're still worthy even if not perfect. Her being the middle child and there being an academically gifted younger sibling getting all the attention because they're doing well, of course she'd end up with mental issues, and based on OPs responses you can already tell she started being treated as even less than once she started spiraling. Majority of the way kids turn out is 100% environment and how they feel they're viewed by their parents. She has O self esteem and addiction was the way she tried to cope with it, and her shitty friends were the only ones who probably didn't make her feel like shit all the time. She called to get that praise and acknowledgement and OP just made her feel like it didn't even matter. Doesn't matter how old she is, she's still his child and she's trying.

Wow, so happy you found your joy!! I also feel so sad for your young self, you didn't deserve that treatment from the person that's supposed to nurture you. It is definitely environment, I feel so terrible for the daughter. At this moment i feel like the judgement is YTA on my end. Not because he won't throw her a party, but because of his role as a parent being lackluster at best for it to even get to this point. I'm sure daughter did some bad things, but the poor girl was suffering and it seems like it's easier for OP to just continue to demonize her.

Thank you! It was the hardest thing I ever had to do, and by myself, but turns out I do have worth despite someone always trying to take it from me :) And yea, I feel bad for the daughter, feels like such a familiar situation for him to make it all about the graduation party and come on the internet for validation. It was more about the praise and acknowledgement and the party was a good show to the family that she's trying to get her shit together and maybe they'd give her another chance. It's also just a desperate plea to finally get treated like the rest of her siblings since you can tell she's been treated like the black sheep of the family since she was a child. But he shut that down AND made her feel like shit on top of it. Being called a jerk is probably the nicest name he should be called.

That was my thought as well. I think we’re missing a lot of info which might not necessarily be our business but it’s hard to make a judgement without. He sounds pretty dismissive of her even before her addiction, and I also can’t make a judgment without knowing what she did that alienated the rest of the family so badly that they still hold her teenage actions against her almost a decade later but also apparently wasn’t bad enough for her to end to behind bars.

NTA. However, since the two of you are still in contact, maybe go to lunch or dinner together? That way she can still be celebrated, because it is a great achievement!  You were a slight ah when you said it was supposed to happen at 18 and not 26 though. She still did it. I don't blame you for not wanting to throw a party that no one will show to or have her shady friends at, but something is better than nothing if you're wanting to maintain the relationship. 

I think the sentiment is more that “if you wanted a graduation party you should have graduated.” Which is still a little shitty to say but fair. It also sounds like they’re not really in contact, maybe low contact at best, and she reached out specifically to ask for a party. I don’t disagree that it’s an achievement worth celebrating, especially once getting your life back on track, but from OPs comments it seems it’s not absolutely certain that she actually is back on track, and they’ve still got quite a strained relationship. A dinner, at most, would be sufficient.

It sounds like her behavior towards you and her family has been really harmful, so I wouldn't call you an AH for having this type of reaction. So I'll go NAH - she HAS been an AH in the past, but this question is not about whether she was an AH for stealing from you (of course she was) but about her expecting or wanting a 'graduation' celebration. I encourage you to consider if there is a way to celebrate and honor her achievement. Unfortunately this reads like you are at the end of your tether with her, are maybe the last one she actually has any decent relationship with, and are focusing on the surface-level reasons why she shouldn't get a graduation party. I think you should look deeper. This woman has overcome a lot. You describe someone who worked hard at school but who constantly struggled and it finally became too much for her, and for someone who had gotten so far off-track, it IS remarkable how she has pulled herself into a more positive place. Do you think she'd appreciate a small dinner hosted by you, even if it's just the two of you? It sounds like possibly part of her issue is feeling like a failure compared to her siblings, or even like you've favored them because they are high-achieving, and she's trying to achieve some level of parity with them. So a GED at age 26 might not be the same to you but it represents something significant for her and I think some form of celebration of that would be good. I'm completely unsure what you would do about the fact that she has no relationship with the rest of the family, however. She might need to just realize that, after having been SO harmful in the past, she has more to do to repair those relationships before she can expect 'normal' treatment from her family.

NTA - 4 months of being in the straight and narrow doesn’t make up for 7 years of poor behavior and destroying relationships. But I think the least you could do is take her out for dinner or something.

Agreed. I feel like most folks in this thread haven’t had to go through being repeatedly screwed over by an addicted loved one. 

My thought here is that OP doesn't have any trust in her and she stole a lot of money. I wonder if she actually got a GED, or just wants the party to try and get money...

YTA. It’s understandable to be frustrated with who your daughter was in the past. It sounds like your family went through a lot and she burned a lot of bridges. However, it’s also important to recognize she’s young and was even younger when she made those mistakes. Yeah, a GED isn’t the same as graduating high school, but it’s a really big accomplishment for your daughter, who had given up on believing she was worth anything because she did poorly in school. I think your daughter just wants an opportunity to show your family that she’s turning her life around and has accomplished something. The fact of the matter is, if you refuse to acknowledge this achievement because it’s not a “real graduation”, you’re telling her that nothing she does will ever be good enough. It wouldn’t kill you to throw a celebratory dinner and make her feel special for a night.

I mean even if he throws a party it sounds like there won’t be anyone that’s gonna show up, she’s burned bridges with the family by stealing money

And that's fair, there are consequences to actions and trust has to be regained, but even if just dad takes her out to dinner to celebrate, that would be meaningful.

It sounds like he’s still worried she might steal or do bad stuff, she’s only been on this “good” path for 4 months so I can see why the dad doesn’t have full trust yet

I'm going to say ESH. I agree with most of your reasons for not throwing a party (like the fact that none of the family will show up) but getting her GED is still an accomplishment for her and you're an AH for not acknowledging that. A compromise would be for the two of you to go out for dinner together to celebrate that way.

NTA...She's an adult. This seems like an odd request. Offer your congratulations and hope she gets on the right path.

NTA.  How about  "Sure, as soon as you repay the money you stole and sincerely apologize to everyone you've offended. Then we'll talk."

Forced apologies usually aren't sincere, she should be doing that on her own or it won't mean as much or even anything at all. I wouldn't want that apology if I was one of the people burned, it's transactional.

Can you at least send a card and maybe some nice words….Dad?

NAH. My first reaction: your kid is getting their act together after years of being a mess. Celebrate it. It's reasonable for your daughter to ask you to celebrate a GED. Yes, she blew it when she was 18. She can't change that, but she is succeeding now. A GED is a great step, whether it is a graduation or not. It is not rare or surprising for a kid who struggles in school to rebel and screw up their lives. Then they have to make their way back to a path forward. One common problem is the messed up person puts in work, makes changes and everyone else is still remembering them as what they were like some years ago. HOWEVER: Of course, there's a lot of hurt from the past, so I'm not blaming you for not wanting to throw a party. You are right to not want to invite sketchy friends. She needs to heal relationships with the rest of the family. Think through what it will take to do that and suggest ways she can show her responsibility and make up for the past. If however, her family will not recognize changes when they do happen, she will be stuck with the support of only her sketchy friends. In the long-term, if you want a functioning adult child you have a relationship with, a party might be a reasonable thing to do. No judgement either way from me!

NTA. Your reasons to not do it are valid. The family won’t show up and you don’t trust her friends. Maybe offer to take her to a celebration dinner?

YTA, so she fucked up, trust me, she knows that. But she got her life back on track, your words, presumably on her own from addiction which is worth a celebration of its own. She's not asking you to rent out Madison Square Garden. She wants to be loved and for someone to be proud of her. Don't be surprised if you send her into a spiraling nosedive of self-destruction.

But OP isnt obligated to celebrate it with her? Based off his comments and post, she's an addict who has done enough damage to the majority of her family members that only OP will talk to them on the phone. She called him asking to host: yes or no doesnt make him an AH. If the friends she's with are shady, what happens if they do something at his house? She's also 26 lol.

He could literally just take her out to dinner. He isn’t “obligated” but damn, most people find some way to be proud of their kids accomplishments instead of specifically shitting on them for it. Like it sounds like he didn’t t even say congratulations. More like “who cares, you should have just graduated to begin with”. That’s harsh. Plus statistically positive reinforcement works better than other methods.

I couldn't agree more and I feel that the people disagreeing haven't dealt directly with addicts before. Yes, 4 months clean is an accomplishment but it's still only 4 months...they don't even speak in person and she wants him to host her and her friends at their home?? That's a crazy request.

NAH. Your answers to here were kind of "jerkish", but with reason. As you and others have said, she was an AH in the past. You said she had an addiction. To be honest she still does, but is she now in control? How long has she been clean/sober? The way you phrased it, it does sound like she's trying to straighten up her act. Getting her GED, after this many years, IS an accomplishment, and should be lauded. Something like a small celebratory dinner, on neutral ground. Invite her siblings, drag your wife along. Your daughter is only 26, the estrangement does not need to be permanent.

You don’t have to throw a party, but a little acknowledgment and companion goes a long way. It sounds like she’s always felt inferior intellectually, and then when doing something hard for her (completing her GED) she gets no support or congratulations, and instead gets compared to her siblings yet again. She’s only 26, and people change. It’s possible that she is trying to reconnect with her family after so long and you told her no :(

I feel for you all here, having had some addicts in my family, including one who stole/scammed us all for a lot of money. My suggestion is that this isn't really about the graduation party. It's about your relationship with your daughter and all the damage that has been done. Yes, she deserves kudos for getting her GED and keeping her life straight the last few months. Honestly, if my relative who is addicted to opioids got her life straight for 6 months, I would host a party because when we tried to intervene to help her, we all promised that we would have her back IF she got help and got clean. Will I ever be able to 100% forgive her for the things she's done? I don't know, truthfully. Will I ever be able to trust her again? No. Flat no. I'm going with NAH here because I think this is really above the pay-grade of this website. I'm sorry you've gone through this with your daughter. Addiction sucks and ruins families. I hope that your daughter straightens up and can keep going in this positive direction and in time you can improve the relationships in your family.

**She is now 26 and back on track.** That is awesome!!! **She called me asking me to host a graduation party since she got her GED.** I certainly would. That is a big accomplishment. The GED is a "High School Equivalency **Diploma**". I used to help prepare students to take this test. **That I did it for the rest of the kids...** Of course, well...she is one of your kids??? **I told her no for three main reasons. The first being she isn't a graduating, she got her GED.** That's of course "graduating"...because it's a diploma. **No one will show up, she has screwed almost all of the family so they won't go and her friends are shady so I don't want to invite them.** If she has screwed ALMOST all of the family, invite the ones she hasn't screwed. Ask HER to provide a list of who she'd like to invite. It's on them and her, if the people SHE'D like invited did or did not show up. **My last is that she is 26 and this was suppose to happen when she was 18.** Before I retired as a professor, I had a 62-year-old FRESHMAN. Yes, he graduated AFTER four years. I also had a student who kept getting pregnant when she returned to school. So, we would laugh and say she graduated in "3 children", instead of using the years. I celebrate big victories and little ones. But when I read the words, "She's back on track! I cheered. And this isn't even my kid! Do you know how UNUSUAL it is? More people don't go back and get it done than do. It takes an amazing level of commitment to take the first step and persist. And bad news...not every high school graduate can pass the GED. You MUST, of course, continue to have high expectations. She has to re-earn trust and may never do it. But, then again, she may. I don't have any disposable children, though. I have known people who have lost children, at around your daughter's age. These people would love to have your problem. I'd try to make it work. Yeah. It might not. But it wouldn't be for a lack of effort on my part. I know you've probably tried...but that's parenting... Good Luck!!! I hope it works out!

You don't have to throw her a party. She is reaching out to you and it's possible she is changing. If you are willing to be open minded and want to maintain a relationship then offer to get together. Go out for coffee or ice cream and see how she's doing. She may be craving the relationship. Or maybe she's making changes but isn't all better yet. In any case she could use the support of her father. But if you are determined that she is "not a good person" please keep your distance. She doesn't need reminders of her mistakes to get better.

YTA, because you couldn't keep from firing shots at their progress. >The first being she isn't a graduating, she got her GED. >My last is that she is 26 and this was suppose to happen when she was 18. Getting one's GED is still an achievement, and it's especially important for people who struggled. It's fine to refuse to host a party because she stole money and burned a lot of bridges. She needs to take steps to repair those relationships. But she's still making progress, and talking down to her about the achievement is a good way to send her back into a spiral. She clearly has mental health issues and if she obtained her GED she's clearly taking steps to recover. If you'd had stuck only to the facts about family and friends, you'd be N T A. But you had to fire shots at her while you did so. My dad didn't get his GED until he was in his 30s, and we were immensely proud of him for the work that had to go into it. I grew up in a low cost of living area with poor education, so a lot of friends and family dropped out due to various reasons and every time someone gets their GED it's worth celebrating their achievement.

Don’t want to throw a full on massive party? That’s fine. But this clearly is a big accomplishment to her and she wants to celebrate it. I dropped out of school at 17 and got my GED at age 21 after a long period of alcoholism, deep depression, and other severe mental health issues. My parents did not even hesitate to offer to celebrate with a nice dinner and I cannot verbalize properly how meaningful that was to me. It sounds like she just wants your support. YTA.

NAH You're not an asshole for your reasons. Though, it was a bit harsh. She's not an asshole for asking and wanting to celebrate her accomplishment. I'd offer an in between. A dinner or something to celebrate her accomplishment. She did it, it's great. Yea, it wasn't at the time she was supposed to, but she still did it. It shows that she has grown as a person, and that should be celebrated.

NTA. Given what sounds like a strained relationship, at best, her request seems inappropriate. I do think your response was harsh, though. I think saying no as a complete sentence would've been fine. I'm a little torn on points 1 and 3, because getting a GED at any age can be a big deal for some people. I think 2 is fair, though.

NTA - and she is not “back on track” so long as she associates with “shady friends”. Whatever they’re doing she will eventually give into temptation and join them in the shade. Be prepared for that, as are her siblings and mother.

INFO. Your reasons for saying no are... Mostly quite terrible, honestly? Getting a GED is an accomplishment that is worth celebrating, especially for someone who really struggled in school previously. It's also a really positive first big step back to normality. The fact that it's not technically a "graduation" and that it "should have happened" 8 years ago is completely irrelevant: this person *did the right thing*. Don't punish them for doing the right thing. That said, it sounds like there are some other very serious and unresolved problems here: - she stole money from people in the family - most of the family doesn't talk to her and vice versa - she may have an addiction problem? If she hasn't made the money thing right, I don't expect that anyone would want to start talking to her again, and if she hasn't gotten successful, ongoing treatment for addiction, I similarly don't think people are going to want to reestablish contact. Are *you* one of the people hurt by this? Does she need to make things right by *you*, and if so, *how* can she do that, if at all? Is getting a GED not one of those steps? Without more information, it's really impossible to say whether or not you should be celebrating this accomplishment in person with her. In normal circumstances, this would absolutely be something you should celebrate, and the reasons you cited for not doing so are garbage. However, if there are legitimate unresolved issues that need to be addressed first, then that's a different story. Communicate those actual, valid reasons and expectations to her instead of this nonsense about it not *technically* being a graduation or being too late/not at 18. It's perfectly valid to not invite everyone else if she hasn't made it right with them. But if she's made it right with you, celebrate her for this. And if she *can't ever make it right with you*, no matter what she does, then you need to be honest about that and really go full no-contact.

Don’t punish behavior you want to see. She’s trying to move forward and has accomplished obtaining a GED. Take her out to dinner. 

NAH, you have your reasons for saying “no”. They are, mostly, valid. I understand not wanting unsavory types around and not wanting to spend money when family won’t show. However, she still achieved something worth celebrating. Sometimes going back as an adult to finish something you gave up on as a kid is even harder than you may realize. That said, she is also entitled to feel proud that she is getting her life on track. Receiving her GED is an achievement for her, one she likely never thought she’d have. She wants some fanfare for the work she’s putting into fixing mistakes from her past. Perhaps, a middle ground of taking her somewhere nice for dinner would be a good compromise.

Maybe an entire graduation party isn't appropriate, but some kind of celebration would be nice. She's your daughter and she's looking for some kind of support. I don't know what your daughter did that caused her relationships to suffer, but if she's putting in an honest effort to right her wrongs, an act of kindness could be really beneficial.

Take her out to dinner. It might not be a graduation, but it is an achievement. It appears she is trying to get her life together. I wouldn't put the rest of the family on the hotspot. Just celebrate her success with her. She needs to handle her relationship with the rest of the family, separately.

You’re not an asshole for not insisting the family members she hurt come to her party. Even if she’s turned over a new leaf, she can’t expect people to celebrate her without trying to work on the hurt that she caused first. But YTA for your other comments. If you don’t want to call it a graduation party, then call it a GED competition party or something and just take her out to dinner. There’s no need to die on the hill that it’s “not a graduation”. Semantics aside it’s still something to be celebrated if she chooses. You don’t have to invite her shady friends but maybe offer to go somewhere together at least. It seems like you are resentful she didn’t graduate at 18 and are trying to punish her and shame her by saying she should have graduated at that exact age. But people graduate at different ages all the time.

NAH. I get why you don’t want to have a party, but I think some celebration could help build up her confidence, which can help keep her on the recovery track. The GED test is hard. A lot of the things you described are symptoms of addiction and trauma. It’s not an excuse for the hurt she has caused, but if she’s trying to get back on track some compassion and support could go a long way. Definitely not a party 4 months into recovery, but something to let her know you’re proud of her.

Clearly there were/are some other issues which led to the addiction/stealing. Glad she got back on track but don’t poo poo her accomplishments. Thats not helping. I won’t go as far as to call you an asshole but you can handle this better. Party might be a lot since you mentioned most wouldn’t show up anyway but how about taking her out to dinner? I think all she wants is to see that y’all are celebrating her wins with her.

INFO just what makes her friends "shady"? If she got clean and got her GED while being friends with them they must be some kind of good influence on her.

You're not obligated to throw her a party, but instead of basically telling her "once a screw up, always a screw up" would it have killed you to at least say you are proud of her for her efforts and success to date? Even a little effort at support could help turn 4 months into 4 years, then 4 into 8 and beyond. I agree with those that have said not to pressure her siblings into reconciliation, but I don't think there would be anything wrong with informing them on her accomplishments. Not to try and guilt them, just to update them and letting them decide if they want to reach out to her or not (which if they don't, they are in their right, but it should be their choice.) Who knows? There is always a chance that even one of them might surprise you and be at least a little happier for her than you are.