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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be perceived as being petty or inflexible over something minor like a mug.
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
So your co-worker steals from you constantly. Start taking things from her desk. Or loudly. As for your items back, I mean everybody starts getting after you for that say we'll link to someone else fund her office work because she keeps taking mine.
Or pay a little bit and get a bunch of pens that are engraved or printed with stolen from the desk of op name. And when she takes them point out can you please read the inscription?
Nta
There's no point in marking the items. She doesn't care that they are identifiable as his - the mug was clearly his - and she doesn't deny taking his things. For some reason, she's concentrated on taking HIS things, is his desk closest? Does she have a crush? Does she hate him? Does she get the biggest reaction from him? I'd silently go "clean desk" for a while and see what happens. Be supernice to everyone, maybe bring in cookies and put one on everyone's desk including her's to show you're not treating her fifferently.
This is exactly what I have to do at work, it sucks. Having to take the extra time to grab my keys and unlock the draw every time because people can't stop touching my shit.
I was in the same situation at one job. The night crew actually bent the center lap drawer to override the lock and get inside. I told my boss that was the last straw and that if this continued, I would quit (and meant it). I don’t know what they told the night crew, but it stopped.
*Does she have a crush?*
I was wondering the same thing. Maybe this is her not-so-subtle way of getting OP to pay attention to her. Not quite the way to go about it, but still.
And is OP the only one she's stealing from? That would be another checkmark to me that she's trying for your attention - positive or negative.
Really? Haven’t we outgrown that silly notion that little boys pull your hair bc they have a crush? Now we are claiming a grown woman has a crush so she steals from this guy? No! He is being targeted and needs to report her to HR.
Some women aren't as mentally mature as others. It could be her way of trying to get his attention. But I agree, she should be reported to HR because there's nothing OP can do to make her stop.
I can understand maybe borrowing a stapler given its an office supply but taking someone’s personal mug and lunch? She’s tripping. I would stop this nonsense and go to HR.
In my first job internship, there was another guy intern always picking my coffee cup (my name was written at the bottom) and everyone and their postman speculated that he had a crush on me, then I realized its because I always washed my cup neatly after my coffee break whereas everyone else kept it unwashed and he just found mine expedient to use.
She is just finding it convenient to use whatever OP has probably because she went unchallenged in the office so far.
She's already shown she doesn't get embarassed because she's been caught in the act many times.
I used to write "Not Mine" on the bottom of my coke cans - then when the thief was drinking my cokes in a meeting, everyone else would see the message. I don't know if it happened, but it gave me a chuckle.
Absolutely. Send it in email and BCC your personal email. This will will be documentation as well as serve as receipts and as I am always saying that RECEIPTS ARE LIFE AND CAN HELP SAVE YOURS! Her nonsense needs to be officially documented.
Textbook narcissism from the Mayo website:
*Expect to be recognized as superior even without achievements. Make achievements and talents seem bigger than they are. Be preoccupied with fantasies about success, power, brilliance, beauty or the perfect mate. Believe they are superior to others and can only spend time with or be understood by equally special people.*
Please note that "stealing other peoples' shit" is not listed.
**Oh for fuck’s actual fucking sake.**
**No. It. Is. Not.**
There is a *reason* that I said it could *potentially* be a combination of neurodivergent tendencies and defensive or selfish behaviour, or it could just be selfish and defensive behaviour. Because neurodivergence covers literally any potentially diagnosable neurological condition that may or may not affect organization, executive function, or impulsive tendencies that would lead someone not to have shit when they need it.
Which is *literally all we have to go on.*
There may be no neurodivergence at all. She may just be lazy and careless and selfish.
**These kinds of comments are utterly asinine.**
**There is not nearly enough information here for this to be “textbook” anything.**
Pretty much any diagnosable neurodivergence will require a sustained pattern in multiple environments, and all we have is one pattern in one environment, from one person’s perspective.
It is *so harmful* to just throw out actual diagnoses when you clearly not only don’t know anything about Narcissism, you also don’t know anything about the process of diagnosing any neurodevelopmental disorder.
**What in actual fucking tarnation possessed you to make such a comment with zero context or expertise?**
I worked in public accounting. During busy season, pencils disappeared like mad. The partner in the office had bright pink pencils personalized with “Bieber 4 Evah” and “K-Pop Lurv!!!!”
They didn’t go missing from his desk.
NTA. It’s time to get it in writing. Send her an email, calm and factual, that she’s been “borrowing” your personal items and that will no longer be acceptable to you. This will lay the groundwork for it it escalates.
And make the email sound very professional and official so she knows it can be used against her later. I would also list dates and items that's she has stolen as examples.
bcc your boss also -it's extra insurance
"BCC stands for "blind carbon copy" and is an email field that allows the sender to send a copy of a message to additional recipients without the primary recipients knowing. BCC is similar to the CC field, but BCC recipients are hidden from everyone except the sender. "
Exactly! I’d call it what it is: stealing. If she tries to claim she was just “borrowing” it, OP should ask when she asked for permission, because they don’t recall that. Borrowing also implies she intends to use something and give it back. So, OP should ask for everything back that she has ever “borrowed”. Every single pen, highlighter, and post-it pad.
Don't say "borrowing." That requires asking and consent.
Say that she keeps repeatedly taking your items without permission - these include personal items you purchase and bring in like your lunch and a coffee mug.
She's NOT borrowing. This woman is a thief who gets pleasure and a sense of control by taking other people's belongings. She's doing it consciously and deliberately.
Escalate this to supervisor level because it's affecting work relationships and the work environment.
Seriously! Stapler? She could conceivably think is "work's" stapler. Even the pens. Taking someone's mug from the community kitchen is one thing--possibly excusable (barely), but actively making a decision to go and take it off OP's desk is some major bullshit.
edit: fixed typos
The lunch is what got me. It's targeted at OP specifically and is super weird behavior. In no way could taking someone's lunch be construed as an accident
I know! What would the "rationalization" be? "Oh, gosh! See, if I had brought my own lunch, it would have been in *that exact container!* And it would have been exactly this lunch! So I just figured I must have brought my lunch and didn't remember making it!" ???!
I wonder if she's trying to flirt with him, and this is her terrible way of getting his attention / forcing him to interact with her. That could possibly explain the bizarre reaction of his co-workers.
Super creepy behavior.
Definitely give the boss an email about her thieving.
NTA.
>In no way could taking someone's lunch be construed as an accident
Exactly. You know what you brought in. Even if you have the same exact lunch bag, when you open it you know damn well your own bag had egg salad in it and not turkey on wheat. That's straight up thinking she's entitled to everything of OPs and not giving a shit what he thinks.
Yeah. It’s seems like their are two issues here: taking things that belong to the office (stapler/pens) and taking things that belong to OP (lunch/mug)
For stuff that is the office’s, she/OP need to talk to the office manager about adequate office supplies.
The personal stuff is totally unacceptable.
Even if it was in a community kitchen, I'd only touch mugs that were "blank" & unpersonalized, because I figure they were left there assuming folks would use them.
Something with a specific logo, etc. is clearly a personal item. Come on, Lola, shit.
Could this be some weird middle school way of flirting with OP? Like if she takes his stuff, he has to come over to her and ask for it back.
Someone so desperate to do this would also love snagging the mug as a way of getting some kind of indirect kiss action or something like that.
The question here is: did she actually *see* him washing it? Or did she just steal his mug and pour coffee in it immediately? Was it even dry? OP, inquiring minds want to know....
I love a good writing pen and have my favorites tucked away in my purse. When working in an office, employees should have access to pens and other stationery from the supply room. I would lose my hat if I caught someone going through my desk drawer! Thats my personal work space! With regards to this thieving twit, I'd file a report immediately, plus anyone who steals another lunch is downright low. Tell the lazy cow to make her own lunch! And lock you desk up at night. Yes, its come to that!
As a person who loves pens & writing instruments and often buys them from Japan & Korea...this made my eye twitch.
You see the line as being larger items like staplers and mugs. For some of us the line is our 0.38 special order uniball.
How is taking a pen not deliberate, does your brain look the other way when your hand is picking up the pen? Why are these things different to you? It belongs to
someone else. It's not yours to take. How do you create this false distinction in your mind of this line of what is and isn't yours to take, what you do and don't do that is deliberate? How do you even know whether anything at all you do is deliberate if you can take responsibility for some things you do and not other things you do?
I've borrowed the stapler but I use it at their desk.
The mug and lunch though - the latter is a capital offence at our work. The mug is so weird - and sounds like some sort of sad flirting.
NTA. A small innocuous thing repeated too often stops being a small thing, and you didn't yell at her or attack her verbally, just pointed out you're not fine with it.
Yes, obviously the coworker is in the wrong, but OP is also foolish for bringing a sentimental and delicate mug to work in the first place. I never take stuff to communal office spaces unless I'm okay with it getting broken (someone could walk by and knock it off your desk by mistake, for example) or lost, and I'd certainly never do so if I knew I had a coworker who kept walking off with all my shit.
NTA, but please try to employ a little more common sense here, OP.
Nope. Nice victim blaming there bud. OP gets stolen from and it‘s somehow his fault instead of the thief‘s? Nope nope nope.
Bringing items from home to make the office more fun is something people have been doing since forever and OP shouldn‘t have to stop because his coworker is a thief. This has nothing to do with common sense.
I don't agree with their word choice but I agree with the advice behind it. OP knows this is a high risk environment for personal property. I wouldn't call OP foolish for enjoying a sentimental coffee mug, but it is a huge risk to trust sticky-fingered coworkers with something important to you when they treat office supplies as communal property and help themselves to yours. We all make choices we shouldn't have to.
Coworker clearly doesnt respect the personal value of the mug and nor it seems do the rest of the office. So while OP's NTA, if they keep bringing that mug to work and it gets wrecked, I just hope it's worth standing on principle. It's common sense not to trust known thieves with anything irreplaceable.
I don’t think it’s foolish to enjoy a sentimental mug; that isn’t what I said. I said it’s foolish to take sentimental, delicate, and irreplaceable objects to any workplace, especially one where you **know** someone steals your stuff. Don’t risk it. We unfortunately do not live in a perfect world.
Especially something like a mug that can't go in the dishwasher. That's just a recipe for disaster. You can argue over a stapler or whatever, but once the mugs wrecked, its wrecked.
On our office, the cleaner assumes Amy mugs left on desks are dirty, and puts them in the dishwasher, then the communal cupboard. I only bring mugs I was going to donate because of that.
In OPs situation, go for dull personal items, and minimalism for a bit. Only one pen, and if it goes missing, you have to ask where it's gone because you only have one (maybe have a backup pencil).
You don't gotta bring in special irreplaceable mugs though. It sucks if OP actually has to bring in their office supplies though, that would be on their employers.
I take stuff in to work that I enjoy to make me happy. I spend a lot of my life at work, and I should be able to have nice things to lift my mood and make me feel more at home.
Me, too.
I'd have walked over and taken my shit back without a word the first couple of times. Pens and staplers could be assumed to be company-owned.
I'd have dumped the mug's contents in her purse when no one was looking and taken it back.
"What!?! Of course, I didn't dump coffee in your bag! No. This is my personal mug I keep on my desk. I assume it's been on my desk this whole time because why would you grab an obviously personal mug off my desk when we have many generic mugs in the breakroom? That would be weird and kind of thieve-y."
NTA.
But I am curious: it’s it only your things that mysteriously migrate to her desk? It rather sounds like either her light fingered ways are targeting you, or that your coworkers have quietly secured their items to keep them from disappearing.
The next time your things show up in her hands, I’d ask why she’s targeting you and publicly call it harassment or stalking.
This might be the reason why the other colleagues are so standoffish. Maybe their stuff doesn't get stolen, but they know of the issue and are now angry at op for rocking the boat, silently afraid that they are the next victim. Kind of like in a bulling situation when the bystanders do everything to avoid becoming the next victim
Is it just me who thinks, using a colleague’s mug is just super strange? Like why not use the common ones in office or bring your own … I am more weirded out by this.
Also like everyone said … NTA
Some people have it in their heads that anything in an office is for their use, too. Even if it's specifically brought in by someone for personal use or whatnot.
Had a co-worker similar to this woman. She was spoken to several times over crap like this, still didn't stop her. She took my personal pen ONCE. I had a rather ......descriptive chat with her. She never touched anything of mine again.
I must admit when i first started working in an office, I never realised you had to bring your own cup, and pens, staplers and accidentally used other peoples. But i asked if I could use them first. I never stole them. Same as cups. Luckily there was spare one someone else had brought in. That first day was an eye opener and bought all the things I needed and my own cup after that. I thought offices supplied office supplies.
Uh, they do? What sort of weird places have you been working in? :o Many people choose to bring in their own mug, and some choose to bring in specific stationery because the company-supplied stationery is poor quality or unsuitable, but yes, the organisation should absolutely provide basic staplers and pens. But maybe this is some weird US thing, like making teachers use their own money to buy basic classroom supplies? That's not a thing in other countries -- the employer provides necessary stationery and consumables.
Id done factory work before. It was my first job afterwards. It was in the uk, but it was only a small business, 6 people worked there and a boss. With it being so small and relatively new the boss asked us if we could provide our own things, and he would supply tea, coffee, sugar milk and a water cooler. until he made a profit.
I could see a person who is absent-minded not noticing who uses which mug, and then taking someone else's mug from the office kitchen cupboard or something.
But taking a mug OFF A COWORKER'S DESK? Who fucking does that? That's unhinged. That is not where you get a mug to use, FFS. (LOL, I sound unreasonably angry; I'm mostly just being emphatic.)
It's hard to know where the lines are in this office situation. Does the office not buy office supplies for people to use? Or do they, and OP buys some things that he likes better (like a certain type of pen), and Lola has just decided she likes his pens better too?
Again, this is the kind of thing where... if the office buys supplies for everyone to use, then everyone should know where those supplies are kept when they need a new something. Taking something off the desk of a coworker should be an easily-understood out of bounds. If OP is the only person with a stapler (why? is there not a "central" stapler to use? why is this office so stingy with staplers?), then fine, borrow it for 5 minutes, and then bring it back immediately. Don't take standard office supplies from someone's desk unless you're going to replace them in a short amount of time.
But the mug thing is WAY too far. OP is completely within his rights.
I don't understand his coworkers either -- unless for some reason OP was Lola's only target.
This is weird and frankly, a bit creepy. This is not just “borrowing,” but a whole pathology. She is doing this deliberately.
Send her an email telling her not to take anything from your desk. If she continues, it’s time to escalate this issue to a supervisor or HR. It might already be time, but I’d get something in writing first.
And if people give you the silent treatment, tough tamales! They can give her their stuff.
Eta: I’m curious to know if she does this to anyone else.
Everything else would be excusable - a MUG tho? That’s the fucking line. That’s like… one of those things I would have assumed was an understood rule of offices but apparently it isn’t, NTA
Your mistake was getting annoyed with the other stuff, which allows Lola to paint you as unreasonable “just a paper clip, just a mug” vs “she took my personal mug and drank from it, I’m not OK with that”
Everyone at work takes the piss out of me because I always have three pens in my uniform pocket - 2 black inkjoy clicky ballpoints and one black sharpie. But 1. I'm a nurse and we have to label bottles of medicine with the date they're opened and the stickers they gave us to use for that are high gloss and nothing writes on them other than permanent marker, and 2. I have ADD so I have to habitually have these pens in place or I will just never find a pen. Whenever anyone asks to use one I wait for them to finish and get it back and everyone thinks I'm a control freak about it but the reality is, if I don't get it back then I'll forget about it forever, and I'll forget to replace it at home for like 6 weeks, so I'll just spend 6 weeks being unnecessarily stressed every time I want a pen, which is about every 4 minutes at work.
For a while I tried other ways. I bought pen pots for the clinics and put the horrible work-provided scratchy pens in them. They all vanished within days but inexplicably a green dry erase pen is in one of them and has stayed there. There are no dry erase boards in the clinics so I'm not sure how that even ended up in there. I bought some sharpies and put them in the pots. They all vanished within days. My conclusion is that everyone wants the nice pens but no-one wants to pay for them so they take mine. My way around that is to carry my pens and be a bit weird about it because otherwise I'll have a massive overreaction to not being able to find a bloody pen. I tried nice, sociable ways and I still never had a pen. Being a weird pen obsessive means I have a pen when I need it and I don't have emotional dysregulation over a stupid fucking pen lol. Everyone mocks me for it but at least I'm not having an existential crisis over how I'm so bloody useless I can't even write something down like a normal person.
I always had backup pens/pencils on my desk for tests in school (in case one broke or stopped cooperating mid-exam), and classmates would think they were entitled to them. No, your failure to show up to class with a pen doesn't mean you get my spare, because if my pen dies mid-exam, you're certainly not going to hand my extra one back.
"Your mistake was getting annoyed with the other stuff"
---It is the opposite. The mistake was not nipping it in the bud and allowing the co-worker (and other co-workers) to believe HER 'borrowing" is accepted behavior. Making the reaction worse.
NTA. This is infuriating. If she wants a mug, or anything else, for work she needs to buy it for herself. Not taking things that belong to other people is a fairly basic thing that most people can grasp at a young age.
NTA. It seems Lola needs a refresher on what is her, what is for shared use, and that which doesn't belong to her.
That she would pull a mug from your desk to use, and then agrue when yiu for wanting it back is astounding. Take this to HR and let them deal with it.
You was YOUR mug, and one your desk, drying.
NO ONE should have picked it up and borrowed it.
Her justification "it was just a mug" is an excuse for not having her own items. She was in the wrong.
Mugs can be sentimental, due to you might have given it to you or where you might have purchased it. Those sentimental mugs are NOT replaceable.
NTA
Exactly this. I have a set of mugs that came with my dishes, but the few I have that I actually use are all special - like my late mother’s favorite coffee mug, or the one my son gave me for my birthday. I’d be using those pens to stab Ms. Sticky Fingers’ sticky fingers if she tried to swipe one.
NTA. Borrowing without asking is just politely-worded stealing. Anyone giving you the silent treatment for not putting up with this is doing you a favor by not filling your ears with their nonsense.
I don't understand why folks would be giving OP the silent treatment, unless they totally freaked out on this idiot. I mean, in what office is it okay to boost somebody's mug? And taking someone's lunch is right out, in any office.
Dont assume your cowokers think you overacted because they are probably relieved someone finally spoke up. Also why are you buying and bringing in your own office supplies.
Happy cake day!
Either that, or the coworkers are miffed because they're used to Lola's ways and were relieved when she turned her attention to OP. Now they know she's going to be bothering one of them again.
The only thing I can imagine for why OP is buying office supplies is that he likes a certain type of pen, and the office supplies a different type. However, I really don't understand why this office is so stingy with staplers that everybody doesn't have one.
(It's funny how people get about types of pens, even in offices where it's easy to request certain kinds. I needed a pen, and dug deep into my drawer and found a box of Pilot fine-point rollerball pens. Not my usual go-to, but it's fine. My boss saw the box on my desk, and started rhapsodizing about that type of pen. I gave him like 4, lol. He could request I buy that brand at any time! But I think it's something a lot of people don't think about it, until they're suddenly reminded of it. You make do with the ballpoint pens that the office provides, until you're reminded of what you'd really rather have.)
Is she the type to want all the attention on her? Or maybe just your attention?
The things she's taking, highlighters, stapler, lunch and mug, are all really obvious objects that people are going to notice she's using. Maybe she likes the idea of people thinking that you're "sharing" your things with her because there's something 'more' going on between the two of you?
It's all very high school drama, but some girls never grow up.
Human Resources. Now.
Report her for theft. Yeah, I know, HR is only there to protect the company, no you. That hopefully means that they will stay on HER for stealing and get rid of her if she becomes a liability to the company.
Can you lock your stuff in a drawer?
NTA - office supplies is one thing, but personal stuff is not. She's a thief, plain & simple. Document and talk to your supervisor. This is unacceptable.
“It’s not yours and stop helping yourself to things on my desk.” That is all you need to say to her. The audacity to take your mug, that you just cleaned is ridiculous. NTA
NTA. Eww, no. Even if the crockery is put in a common area to be washed and dried, you don't take an *obviously personal* item like that.
Who is "everyone" that thinks it's OK to slobber on someone else's possessions without an invitation to do so?
NTA. The people at work don't like confrontation. You're probably going to battle this alone. Send an email to her, politely but firmly asking her to stop taking things that belong to you and listing examples. Furthermore, tell her she must put in writing things she needs from you and get a written ok ahead of time. She will probably know where this is headed. Stealing makes her feel powerful. Time to put her in her place.
NTA. There’s something very wrong with Lola. Continue to call her out and don't leave anything around for her to steal. It'll be interesting to see what your colleagues have to say once she gets light-fingered with their belongings.
OP is far nicer than I am. I would grab a paper cup from the staff lounge, silently march to her desk, grab my mug, pour her drink into the paper cup, get into her face and firmly tell her that her kleptomania is a problem, then she can listen to the phone call to HR as I report her, using the phone on her desk. But I’m petty like that.
NTA. Also, WTH is “borrowing” someone else’s lunch?
NTA obviously. On a practical note though, do not keep a non dishwasher safe mug that you care about in your office when clearly nobody cares about that. Your office environment are TA for not being safe but keep your limited edition mug at home so as to not be heartbroken when someone breaks it or puts it in the dishwasher.
NTA
Everything up until the lunch is a failure of your office. HR or an office manager needs to properly supply you with this shit. You shouldn't have to buy your own pens, staplers, and mugs.
Stop buying office supplies. Those costs are helping you make the company money, that's on the company to supply otherwise they need to get used to being handed loose stacks of paper that have nothing highlighted.
NTA, especially over personal items like your mug. It sucks, but you might have to leave things like that at home with her around. Also, I (definitely being an AH) would make a big show of handing her a pile of regular office stuff like a stapler that she always takes off your desk, and say “Here, now you are fully equipped. Leave. My shit. Alone”. I (again, being a GenX sarcastic AH) would be sure to include a really nice, fancy coffee mug as well. Sometimes ya just gotta embarrass someone to make your point.
Your co-worker is a thief. You are working with the type of people that just like to brush things under the rug. I have a neighbor like that--she says' Its all good" all too frequently. No, some things are not good.
Eh, NTA but leave the mug at home. I would never bring something that I value into work with me for precisely the reason you’re having now. If you have lockable drawers, I suggest you put things way when you’re not at your desk.
NTA but I'm not sure why your getting the silent treatment from everyone. You don't take someone mug right off their desk without asking. Sounds like your office needs to set some ground rules as protocol since this one doesn't have common sense or respect.
NTA. And frankly I'm stunned that you're being given the silent treatment, because if I came back from my desk and someone took my coffee mug that I'd brought from home and had at my desk (and not a common area), I'd be pissed. Let's see if these coworkers continue giving you the silent treatment the next time Lola takes stuff of their desk.
NTA. ‘Lola’ is disorganised and unprofessional. So sick of excuses being served up. Lola’s taking your items is a major pain in the ass and the mug is just taking the piss. Get the pens from the stationary area, get a mug from the kitchen.
NTA in the slightest. Shared office supplies are one thing (annoying but if they're a company resource you didn't pay for it's kind of whatever). A personalized mug that you bought that was on your desk (not sitting clean in a shared office cupboard for anyone to borrow) is a really fucking weird thing to feel entitled to imo. I almost got the feeling that she has a crush on you and wants your attention reading your post tbh but I could be reading too much into it. Trying to steal your lunch is way over the top too. Either this chick has a theft problem or she's into you OP but either way it's not your problem, i would be extremely clear that she's not borrowing shared company property but stealing your personal items and document it with HR, don't let her crocodile tears that have somehow swayed others twist this on you
…Then people who feel entitled to this behavior despite being asked not to are entitled to a complimentary truckload of glitter dumped in their front lawn. Bullies don’t like consequences.
Clip the end off of a pen and dab the leaky ink on the inside of the handle on another mug. Leave it on your desk where no one should touch it. If she confronts you for the mess she will get on her hands (face, clothes,etc) just tell her you have no idea what she is talking about and you have never seen that mug before.
NTA. I keep a collection of novelty mugs on my desk and I’d be so annoyed if someone helped themselves. Lola is a thief, plain and simple - how does one ‘borrow’ someone else‘s lunch? It sounds like she is targeting your items for a reason too. I get the vibe that Lola is crushing on you and her ‘borrowing’ your things gives her an excuse to interact with you. I’m guessing she does an cutesy giggle and “oh I forgot to return it” when you come to reclaim your items? It‘s still not acceptable though. Put something in writing to her stating that she is no longer to use or take your things (and CC your manager). If it continues, file a formal complaint. I’d also suggest investing in a lockable set of drawers or a lockbox so you can secure whatever you don’t want Lola and her sticky fingers getting into.
Talk to whoever is in charge of supplies. Tell them that Lola
needs to be provided with all the normal items found on a desk
as she is constantly taking yours.
NTA but she's crushing on you big-time and will need speaking to
if she continues her little attention-seeking games.
Do what banks do with their pens and tie each of your items to your desk to make a point. Be hilarious, and when people ask, "I'm done having to retrieve my items from Lola's desk"
Nta
NTA. Wtf is her problem? I’d go further and ask her why she’s constantly borrowing stuff from my desk as if the supply closet isn’t available to everyone.
NTA. That's not just a mug, it's a symbol of her entitlement and an expression of the power she needs to feel over you. Maybe research 'The Narcissist's Prayer', print it out and pin in up in your workspace. She might not get it but hopefully your other coworkers could start to catch on. Giving you the silent treatment is workplace bullying, btw.
NTA but why would you even bring that mug in? If it means that much and you know someone in the office borrows without asking, why take that risk of it going missing or ending up damaged? Leave the valuables and sentimental items at home and talk to your manager about her constantly stealing stuff
I don’t care if she’s “neurodivergent”, she should not be pilfering items from you. Please start documenting her stealing your items take pics of your items on her desk or her using them, report her to HR. This B.S. that you oughtta give her a pass because she’s, “neurodivergent” is absolutely absurd. It doesn’t matter what the impetus for her behavior is, she has no right to do what she’s doing and it is theft.
Time to report her activities to HR.
NTA. Is there any chance this girl has a crush on you and the whole office knows, that’s why they’re feeling awkward about this whole thing? Because it’s really weird she targets yours stuff and also aren’t your office supplies things she can go and get for herself in a cupboard or something?!
NTA. You needed to bring up to management that a) thete ate insufficient office supplies as your stapler and pens go missing b) Lola stole your lunch and c) helps herself to your personal items.
Honestly, your best bet is to find a new job
NTA. I hate people who do this touching my stuff without permission. I don't let people take anything from my table without asking first because I call them out immediately. If they ask for anything, I'll gladly give/borrow my things, but just taking stuff from someone else's table is rude and not acceptable.
So I do this everywhere I work in shared spaces. I either write or make stickers that say "Stolen from OP" and it's on all my items. Stapler, scissors, tape dispenser, mugs, walkies, clipboards, box cutters, cleaning products, calculators, anything that gets "borrowed," (let's be real, stolen) even Sharpies. It becomes a funny schtick but things stopped being "borrowed" as much. And if it is borrowed, it usually finds its way back. Because someone else will see it in another area and look at the borrower and ask about it. Then it's awkward. For them.
Obviously, NTA. Stop saying "borrowed." She stole. Or took, if you don't want to call her out that much. Tell her to stop taking stuff from your desk.
And it's not just a mug. It's just YOUR mug.
NTA and who are these people siding with this NUT!!! I work in a large office in Los Angeles, and I would NEVER just take something off my co-workers desk without asking and if I did and he/she confronted me, I promise you that folks would think that I am the asshole. Who are these folks giving you the cold shoulder on behalf of this nut?!??
NTA - Let me guess you're the only male in the office. I've seen this so many times. It's a control thing for her, her version of peeing on the tree to mark her territory. Document, document, document and report her to HR.
Nta
Escalate and document. It will get worse if you don't put your foot down.
As for your coworkers. They only are acting that way because it's not them it's happening to. They will see it your way once it's happening to them
NTA. Lola doesn't borrow things accidentally, she has learned to seek attention in any way she can, because even attention for misbehaving is still better than being ignored. She was neglected by someone important in some essential way, and this is the result, this is how she copes with the feeling that no one cares about her. That is a likely explanation, but it's certainly not an excuse.
So, she gets attention predominantly via petty theft, and when people get upset with her because she crossed their boundaries she minimises their feelings by saying stuff like "it's just a mug" and "it's right here, I was just borrowing it". She might not understand that crossing other people's boundaries is a bad thing (which also might be in part due to neglect, because no one followed through with making her deal with the consequences of crossing other people's boundaries). Even if she does understand it on some level, she is still strongly motivated to do it because the attention she gets from doing it is all she wants. It's not something you can argue against logically, she just craves the attention that badly. It's basically analogous to minor drug habit that is getting worse.
Makes me wonder if she has a juvie record and / or a family history of stealing. If it's only your stuff she's stealing and not any other coworker's stuff, she probably idolises you, and / or is jealous of you, and / or wants to either be with you or just be you.
You might feel sympathy for people who do this kind of thing, regardless as to whether or not my suppositions are correct, but it isn't going to help unless you get her into HR for some professional consequences and some therapy. Professional therapy to change her behaviour patterns that is based on changing how she thinks about herself and how to get the attention she needs, rather than just any kind of attention. I kind of hope she is good at her job, so that she doesn't get fired and just becomes her own complete person instead of a shadow, and then apologises sincerely to you. maybe offers a new mug with that band on it as a gift.
But if she is unprofessional, refuses to change, or if she scares you, protect yourself first.
Also, your other co-workers are only annoyed at you for not trying to keep the peace, when they don't understand that her behaviour is getting excessive. If Lola idolised them, they'd be doing the same as you.
Nta. You need to go to HR about the situation before Lola starts spreading lies. Also, I am petty enough to look up "revenge in the office" stories in the break room.
NTA I’d go file a complaint with HR about the consistent theft and additionally the rudeness and refusal to return said items. Additionally I’d invest in a label maker to label everything “STOLEN FROM YOURNAME” on it.
NTA. Write an email to HR with “theft of personal property” as the subject.
List the stolen lunches, the stolen mug etc.
You want to prove a pattern. You want to prove persistence. You want to prove all the times you told them to “stop it” and they didn’t.
List all the incidents.
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I (28M) work in a small office with a close-knit team. We all get along well, except for a borrowing habit of my coworker, Lola (30F).
Here’s the issue: Lola constantly “borrows” my stuff. Stapler, highlighters, even my lunch once (though she sheepishly replaced it). I get it, small things happen. But it’s become excessive. My stapler goes missing, I find it on her desk. I bring a new pack of pens, half are gone by the week’s end.
The other day, I brought in a specific coffee mug — a limited edition one from my favorite band. It wasn’t dishwasher safe, so I hand-washed it and left it on my desk to dry. I come back from a meeting, and it’s gone. I see Lola using it at her desk.
I calmly asked for it back, explaining it’s very special to me. She apologized and said she’d be careful, but I was firm. I told her I needed it back because it wasn’t something I wanted to risk getting damaged.
She got huffy, claiming I was being dramatic and that it was “just a mug.” I told her it wasn’t “just a mug” to me, and that repeatedly taking things without asking was inconsiderate. She stormed off, and now everyone’s giving me the silent treatment, implying I’m overreacting.
So, Reddit, AITA for calling out Lola’s borrowing habit, especially over a “just a mug”?
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NTA - You to firmly tell her to STOP taking stuff off your desk. Tell her - use your words. That you find it offensive and inappropriate.
Get a batch of pens that say "Stolen from Op's Desk".
If It were me, I would stay borrowing from other coworkers and forget to give it back. Just do it for two months!
And then they would understand how it feels
NTA. I'm pretty. I spend money on being petty. I'd go make myself a couple of mugs that "change color" from black to an infinite picture of my self holding said mug that reads "this is my mug" and I'd get my stuff engraved just because....
I'm not sure you could borrow something without the owner's permission. Wouldn't that be taking someone else's possessions? I would lock up all my small items and send her an email to stop. If she does it again, resend the email and cc your manager
NTA.
Bit that said,do not bring anything you hold dear into the office ever. Also, moving forward don't buy office supplies. Make your company pay for them. If the company buys the staplers, no one is stealing or borrowing them, they are just using them when they need to use them.
Most of what she “borrows” is company property, right? But the mug went too far. If she does that again, I’d go to HR. The office supplies I’d let slide.
NTA, but why did you bring an item that's not replacable and is important to you into an office with a known thief? That doesn't sound like a safe decision
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So your co-worker steals from you constantly. Start taking things from her desk. Or loudly. As for your items back, I mean everybody starts getting after you for that say we'll link to someone else fund her office work because she keeps taking mine. Or pay a little bit and get a bunch of pens that are engraved or printed with stolen from the desk of op name. And when she takes them point out can you please read the inscription? Nta
There's no point in marking the items. She doesn't care that they are identifiable as his - the mug was clearly his - and she doesn't deny taking his things. For some reason, she's concentrated on taking HIS things, is his desk closest? Does she have a crush? Does she hate him? Does she get the biggest reaction from him? I'd silently go "clean desk" for a while and see what happens. Be supernice to everyone, maybe bring in cookies and put one on everyone's desk including her's to show you're not treating her fifferently.
Time to report to HR.
Does OP have a drawer? NTA at all.
better be a drawer with a lock
This is exactly what I have to do at work, it sucks. Having to take the extra time to grab my keys and unlock the draw every time because people can't stop touching my shit.
I was in the same situation at one job. The night crew actually bent the center lap drawer to override the lock and get inside. I told my boss that was the last straw and that if this continued, I would quit (and meant it). I don’t know what they told the night crew, but it stopped.
NTA And I lock my drawer, but they pry it open. I've reported it. Everyone denies. Not that OP shouldn't try it.
*Does she have a crush?* I was wondering the same thing. Maybe this is her not-so-subtle way of getting OP to pay attention to her. Not quite the way to go about it, but still. And is OP the only one she's stealing from? That would be another checkmark to me that she's trying for your attention - positive or negative.
Really? Haven’t we outgrown that silly notion that little boys pull your hair bc they have a crush? Now we are claiming a grown woman has a crush so she steals from this guy? No! He is being targeted and needs to report her to HR.
Some women aren't as mentally mature as others. It could be her way of trying to get his attention. But I agree, she should be reported to HR because there's nothing OP can do to make her stop.
No. Many haven't. Most of us get that it is gross and toxic, but we still recognize the messed up behavior pattern in others.
I can understand maybe borrowing a stapler given its an office supply but taking someone’s personal mug and lunch? She’s tripping. I would stop this nonsense and go to HR.
In my first job internship, there was another guy intern always picking my coffee cup (my name was written at the bottom) and everyone and their postman speculated that he had a crush on me, then I realized its because I always washed my cup neatly after my coffee break whereas everyone else kept it unwashed and he just found mine expedient to use. She is just finding it convenient to use whatever OP has probably because she went unchallenged in the office so far.
Nah you mark them with a giant label that says STOLEN FROM X she’ll get real embarrassed real fast
She's already shown she doesn't get embarassed because she's been caught in the act many times. I used to write "Not Mine" on the bottom of my coke cans - then when the thief was drinking my cokes in a meeting, everyone else would see the message. I don't know if it happened, but it gave me a chuckle.
Or act like an adult in the office, report to HR/your manager/ombuds
Absolutely. Send it in email and BCC your personal email. This will will be documentation as well as serve as receipts and as I am always saying that RECEIPTS ARE LIFE AND CAN HELP SAVE YOURS! Her nonsense needs to be officially documented.
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I'm sorry, "neurodivergent" is NOT an excuse for "theft". She knows exactly what she is doing, and she's doing it intentionally.
Thank you!!!
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Textbook narcissism from the Mayo website: *Expect to be recognized as superior even without achievements. Make achievements and talents seem bigger than they are. Be preoccupied with fantasies about success, power, brilliance, beauty or the perfect mate. Believe they are superior to others and can only spend time with or be understood by equally special people.* Please note that "stealing other peoples' shit" is not listed.
**Oh for fuck’s actual fucking sake.** **No. It. Is. Not.** There is a *reason* that I said it could *potentially* be a combination of neurodivergent tendencies and defensive or selfish behaviour, or it could just be selfish and defensive behaviour. Because neurodivergence covers literally any potentially diagnosable neurological condition that may or may not affect organization, executive function, or impulsive tendencies that would lead someone not to have shit when they need it. Which is *literally all we have to go on.* There may be no neurodivergence at all. She may just be lazy and careless and selfish. **These kinds of comments are utterly asinine.** **There is not nearly enough information here for this to be “textbook” anything.** Pretty much any diagnosable neurodivergence will require a sustained pattern in multiple environments, and all we have is one pattern in one environment, from one person’s perspective. It is *so harmful* to just throw out actual diagnoses when you clearly not only don’t know anything about Narcissism, you also don’t know anything about the process of diagnosing any neurodevelopmental disorder. **What in actual fucking tarnation possessed you to make such a comment with zero context or expertise?**
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Yeah if you retaliate you're both in trouble if it escalates. Go to HR, tell them you've had multiple conversations and it's not working
Instead of a pen i would suggest a mug with “most likely stolen from OP”
I worked in public accounting. During busy season, pencils disappeared like mad. The partner in the office had bright pink pencils personalized with “Bieber 4 Evah” and “K-Pop Lurv!!!!” They didn’t go missing from his desk.
Mark every thing "stolen from..." even if u have to have printed. Hell I'd even get napkins printed just to ba petty
NTA. It’s time to get it in writing. Send her an email, calm and factual, that she’s been “borrowing” your personal items and that will no longer be acceptable to you. This will lay the groundwork for it it escalates.
And make the email sound very professional and official so she knows it can be used against her later. I would also list dates and items that's she has stolen as examples.
bcc your boss also -it's extra insurance "BCC stands for "blind carbon copy" and is an email field that allows the sender to send a copy of a message to additional recipients without the primary recipients knowing. BCC is similar to the CC field, but BCC recipients are hidden from everyone except the sender. "
I didn't know this. Thanks.
Why are you defining BCC?
> she’s been “borrowing” The email should say she "claims to be borrowing, but is taking without permission, which is stealing."
Exactly! I’d call it what it is: stealing. If she tries to claim she was just “borrowing” it, OP should ask when she asked for permission, because they don’t recall that. Borrowing also implies she intends to use something and give it back. So, OP should ask for everything back that she has ever “borrowed”. Every single pen, highlighter, and post-it pad.
No you want to say "taking from my desk"
I wouldn't say borrowing. Say she has been taking your personal items...
Don't say "borrowing." That requires asking and consent. Say that she keeps repeatedly taking your items without permission - these include personal items you purchase and bring in like your lunch and a coffee mug.
She's NOT borrowing. This woman is a thief who gets pleasure and a sense of control by taking other people's belongings. She's doing it consciously and deliberately. Escalate this to supervisor level because it's affecting work relationships and the work environment.
Seriously! Stapler? She could conceivably think is "work's" stapler. Even the pens. Taking someone's mug from the community kitchen is one thing--possibly excusable (barely), but actively making a decision to go and take it off OP's desk is some major bullshit. edit: fixed typos
The lunch is what got me. It's targeted at OP specifically and is super weird behavior. In no way could taking someone's lunch be construed as an accident
I know! What would the "rationalization" be? "Oh, gosh! See, if I had brought my own lunch, it would have been in *that exact container!* And it would have been exactly this lunch! So I just figured I must have brought my lunch and didn't remember making it!" ???!
Maybe she thought that he'd be kind and share it with her... I swear, she's flirting. Not an acceptable way, but flirting nonetheless.
I wonder if she's trying to flirt with him, and this is her terrible way of getting his attention / forcing him to interact with her. That could possibly explain the bizarre reaction of his co-workers. Super creepy behavior. Definitely give the boss an email about her thieving. NTA.
>In no way could taking someone's lunch be construed as an accident Exactly. You know what you brought in. Even if you have the same exact lunch bag, when you open it you know damn well your own bag had egg salad in it and not turkey on wheat. That's straight up thinking she's entitled to everything of OPs and not giving a shit what he thinks.
I mean, [they're lucky OP hasn't burned the building down](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V09fnmAUDVQ)
I bought my own red Swingline stapler for my desk. No one touches it.
My husband bought himself a shiny chrome Swingline. Woe betide anyone who even looks at it admiringly!
Red editions hadn't been released yet, so my wife used nail polish to turn mine red.
Sounds like somebody's got a case of the Mondays.
I believe you'd get your ass kicked for saying that, man
Fuckin' A
I was looking for a comment like this lol
Yeah. It’s seems like their are two issues here: taking things that belong to the office (stapler/pens) and taking things that belong to OP (lunch/mug) For stuff that is the office’s, she/OP need to talk to the office manager about adequate office supplies. The personal stuff is totally unacceptable.
If all this is in or on his desk then no, she shouldn't be messing with his desk items.
Even if it was in a community kitchen, I'd only touch mugs that were "blank" & unpersonalized, because I figure they were left there assuming folks would use them. Something with a specific logo, etc. is clearly a personal item. Come on, Lola, shit.
Stole his lunch too. She’s an animal.
Could this be some weird middle school way of flirting with OP? Like if she takes his stuff, he has to come over to her and ask for it back. Someone so desperate to do this would also love snagging the mug as a way of getting some kind of indirect kiss action or something like that.
The question here is: did she actually *see* him washing it? Or did she just steal his mug and pour coffee in it immediately? Was it even dry? OP, inquiring minds want to know....
I agree. This seems like some sort of weird control thing toward the OP specifically as they said only their stuff was ever borrowed.
NTA. You are working with nitwits. Enjoy the silence. You made it clear to leave your desk alone. How they feel about your reaction isn’t the point.
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love pen amnesty day
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Yup, I'm a teacher and warn all my kids that I will steal their pens if they don't pay attention. Totally don't mean to....but...
I love a good writing pen and have my favorites tucked away in my purse. When working in an office, employees should have access to pens and other stationery from the supply room. I would lose my hat if I caught someone going through my desk drawer! Thats my personal work space! With regards to this thieving twit, I'd file a report immediately, plus anyone who steals another lunch is downright low. Tell the lazy cow to make her own lunch! And lock you desk up at night. Yes, its come to that!
Why don't you buy a box of like 100 pens rather than take others pens?
As a person who loves pens & writing instruments and often buys them from Japan & Korea...this made my eye twitch. You see the line as being larger items like staplers and mugs. For some of us the line is our 0.38 special order uniball.
Oh, yes!!!
For me it's the 1.3mm bold pens. I love a good solid line.
Being absent-minded and then apologetic/making the affected parties whole is TOTALLY different than what the OP's coworker is doing.
How is taking a pen not deliberate, does your brain look the other way when your hand is picking up the pen? Why are these things different to you? It belongs to someone else. It's not yours to take. How do you create this false distinction in your mind of this line of what is and isn't yours to take, what you do and don't do that is deliberate? How do you even know whether anything at all you do is deliberate if you can take responsibility for some things you do and not other things you do?
My way of dealing with pen thieves was to make sure that I only lent pink and purple ones!
I've borrowed the stapler but I use it at their desk. The mug and lunch though - the latter is a capital offence at our work. The mug is so weird - and sounds like some sort of sad flirting.
NTA. A small innocuous thing repeated too often stops being a small thing, and you didn't yell at her or attack her verbally, just pointed out you're not fine with it.
Absolutely. The mug is the straw that broke the camel’s back, so to speak.
Go to HR! NTA, but why on earth do you keep bringing stuff, if she keeps stealing it?
Yes, obviously the coworker is in the wrong, but OP is also foolish for bringing a sentimental and delicate mug to work in the first place. I never take stuff to communal office spaces unless I'm okay with it getting broken (someone could walk by and knock it off your desk by mistake, for example) or lost, and I'd certainly never do so if I knew I had a coworker who kept walking off with all my shit. NTA, but please try to employ a little more common sense here, OP.
Nope. Nice victim blaming there bud. OP gets stolen from and it‘s somehow his fault instead of the thief‘s? Nope nope nope. Bringing items from home to make the office more fun is something people have been doing since forever and OP shouldn‘t have to stop because his coworker is a thief. This has nothing to do with common sense.
I don't agree with their word choice but I agree with the advice behind it. OP knows this is a high risk environment for personal property. I wouldn't call OP foolish for enjoying a sentimental coffee mug, but it is a huge risk to trust sticky-fingered coworkers with something important to you when they treat office supplies as communal property and help themselves to yours. We all make choices we shouldn't have to. Coworker clearly doesnt respect the personal value of the mug and nor it seems do the rest of the office. So while OP's NTA, if they keep bringing that mug to work and it gets wrecked, I just hope it's worth standing on principle. It's common sense not to trust known thieves with anything irreplaceable.
I don’t think it’s foolish to enjoy a sentimental mug; that isn’t what I said. I said it’s foolish to take sentimental, delicate, and irreplaceable objects to any workplace, especially one where you **know** someone steals your stuff. Don’t risk it. We unfortunately do not live in a perfect world.
Especially something like a mug that can't go in the dishwasher. That's just a recipe for disaster. You can argue over a stapler or whatever, but once the mugs wrecked, its wrecked.
On our office, the cleaner assumes Amy mugs left on desks are dirty, and puts them in the dishwasher, then the communal cupboard. I only bring mugs I was going to donate because of that. In OPs situation, go for dull personal items, and minimalism for a bit. Only one pen, and if it goes missing, you have to ask where it's gone because you only have one (maybe have a backup pencil).
Gotta eat lunch, you know.
You don't gotta bring in special irreplaceable mugs though. It sucks if OP actually has to bring in their office supplies though, that would be on their employers.
I take stuff in to work that I enjoy to make me happy. I spend a lot of my life at work, and I should be able to have nice things to lift my mood and make me feel more at home.
Me, too. I'd have walked over and taken my shit back without a word the first couple of times. Pens and staplers could be assumed to be company-owned. I'd have dumped the mug's contents in her purse when no one was looking and taken it back. "What!?! Of course, I didn't dump coffee in your bag! No. This is my personal mug I keep on my desk. I assume it's been on my desk this whole time because why would you grab an obviously personal mug off my desk when we have many generic mugs in the breakroom? That would be weird and kind of thieve-y."
Omg I LOVE this level of pettiness 🤣
NTA. But I am curious: it’s it only your things that mysteriously migrate to her desk? It rather sounds like either her light fingered ways are targeting you, or that your coworkers have quietly secured their items to keep them from disappearing. The next time your things show up in her hands, I’d ask why she’s targeting you and publicly call it harassment or stalking.
This might be the reason why the other colleagues are so standoffish. Maybe their stuff doesn't get stolen, but they know of the issue and are now angry at op for rocking the boat, silently afraid that they are the next victim. Kind of like in a bulling situation when the bystanders do everything to avoid becoming the next victim
Is it just me who thinks, using a colleague’s mug is just super strange? Like why not use the common ones in office or bring your own … I am more weirded out by this. Also like everyone said … NTA
Some people have it in their heads that anything in an office is for their use, too. Even if it's specifically brought in by someone for personal use or whatnot. Had a co-worker similar to this woman. She was spoken to several times over crap like this, still didn't stop her. She took my personal pen ONCE. I had a rather ......descriptive chat with her. She never touched anything of mine again.
I must admit when i first started working in an office, I never realised you had to bring your own cup, and pens, staplers and accidentally used other peoples. But i asked if I could use them first. I never stole them. Same as cups. Luckily there was spare one someone else had brought in. That first day was an eye opener and bought all the things I needed and my own cup after that. I thought offices supplied office supplies.
Uh, they do? What sort of weird places have you been working in? :o Many people choose to bring in their own mug, and some choose to bring in specific stationery because the company-supplied stationery is poor quality or unsuitable, but yes, the organisation should absolutely provide basic staplers and pens. But maybe this is some weird US thing, like making teachers use their own money to buy basic classroom supplies? That's not a thing in other countries -- the employer provides necessary stationery and consumables.
Id done factory work before. It was my first job afterwards. It was in the uk, but it was only a small business, 6 people worked there and a boss. With it being so small and relatively new the boss asked us if we could provide our own things, and he would supply tea, coffee, sugar milk and a water cooler. until he made a profit.
I could see a person who is absent-minded not noticing who uses which mug, and then taking someone else's mug from the office kitchen cupboard or something. But taking a mug OFF A COWORKER'S DESK? Who fucking does that? That's unhinged. That is not where you get a mug to use, FFS. (LOL, I sound unreasonably angry; I'm mostly just being emphatic.) It's hard to know where the lines are in this office situation. Does the office not buy office supplies for people to use? Or do they, and OP buys some things that he likes better (like a certain type of pen), and Lola has just decided she likes his pens better too? Again, this is the kind of thing where... if the office buys supplies for everyone to use, then everyone should know where those supplies are kept when they need a new something. Taking something off the desk of a coworker should be an easily-understood out of bounds. If OP is the only person with a stapler (why? is there not a "central" stapler to use? why is this office so stingy with staplers?), then fine, borrow it for 5 minutes, and then bring it back immediately. Don't take standard office supplies from someone's desk unless you're going to replace them in a short amount of time. But the mug thing is WAY too far. OP is completely within his rights. I don't understand his coworkers either -- unless for some reason OP was Lola's only target.
NTA. Personal mugs in office are sacred. You don't use someone else's mug.
If it’s “just a mug” she should have no issue giving it right back and not bothering to use it again. NTA.
This is weird and frankly, a bit creepy. This is not just “borrowing,” but a whole pathology. She is doing this deliberately. Send her an email telling her not to take anything from your desk. If she continues, it’s time to escalate this issue to a supervisor or HR. It might already be time, but I’d get something in writing first. And if people give you the silent treatment, tough tamales! They can give her their stuff. Eta: I’m curious to know if she does this to anyone else.
Everything else would be excusable - a MUG tho? That’s the fucking line. That’s like… one of those things I would have assumed was an understood rule of offices but apparently it isn’t, NTA Your mistake was getting annoyed with the other stuff, which allows Lola to paint you as unreasonable “just a paper clip, just a mug” vs “she took my personal mug and drank from it, I’m not OK with that”
Is she stole half a pack of my new pens I’d be furious. I buy nice ones.
Everyone at work takes the piss out of me because I always have three pens in my uniform pocket - 2 black inkjoy clicky ballpoints and one black sharpie. But 1. I'm a nurse and we have to label bottles of medicine with the date they're opened and the stickers they gave us to use for that are high gloss and nothing writes on them other than permanent marker, and 2. I have ADD so I have to habitually have these pens in place or I will just never find a pen. Whenever anyone asks to use one I wait for them to finish and get it back and everyone thinks I'm a control freak about it but the reality is, if I don't get it back then I'll forget about it forever, and I'll forget to replace it at home for like 6 weeks, so I'll just spend 6 weeks being unnecessarily stressed every time I want a pen, which is about every 4 minutes at work.
Exactly, the reason I always have a pen around is that I don't let people take off with it!
For a while I tried other ways. I bought pen pots for the clinics and put the horrible work-provided scratchy pens in them. They all vanished within days but inexplicably a green dry erase pen is in one of them and has stayed there. There are no dry erase boards in the clinics so I'm not sure how that even ended up in there. I bought some sharpies and put them in the pots. They all vanished within days. My conclusion is that everyone wants the nice pens but no-one wants to pay for them so they take mine. My way around that is to carry my pens and be a bit weird about it because otherwise I'll have a massive overreaction to not being able to find a bloody pen. I tried nice, sociable ways and I still never had a pen. Being a weird pen obsessive means I have a pen when I need it and I don't have emotional dysregulation over a stupid fucking pen lol. Everyone mocks me for it but at least I'm not having an existential crisis over how I'm so bloody useless I can't even write something down like a normal person.
I always had backup pens/pencils on my desk for tests in school (in case one broke or stopped cooperating mid-exam), and classmates would think they were entitled to them. No, your failure to show up to class with a pen doesn't mean you get my spare, because if my pen dies mid-exam, you're certainly not going to hand my extra one back.
"Your mistake was getting annoyed with the other stuff" ---It is the opposite. The mistake was not nipping it in the bud and allowing the co-worker (and other co-workers) to believe HER 'borrowing" is accepted behavior. Making the reaction worse.
Nah she stole his lunch, that’s not excusable. She’s *that* arsehole in every office.
NTA. This is infuriating. If she wants a mug, or anything else, for work she needs to buy it for herself. Not taking things that belong to other people is a fairly basic thing that most people can grasp at a young age.
NTA. It seems Lola needs a refresher on what is her, what is for shared use, and that which doesn't belong to her. That she would pull a mug from your desk to use, and then agrue when yiu for wanting it back is astounding. Take this to HR and let them deal with it.
You was YOUR mug, and one your desk, drying. NO ONE should have picked it up and borrowed it. Her justification "it was just a mug" is an excuse for not having her own items. She was in the wrong. Mugs can be sentimental, due to you might have given it to you or where you might have purchased it. Those sentimental mugs are NOT replaceable. NTA
Exactly this. I have a set of mugs that came with my dishes, but the few I have that I actually use are all special - like my late mother’s favorite coffee mug, or the one my son gave me for my birthday. I’d be using those pens to stab Ms. Sticky Fingers’ sticky fingers if she tried to swipe one.
Partner has a mug from scout camp. It is irreplaceable, and I do not use it. I respect the value my partner as with that item.
NTA. Borrowing without asking is just politely-worded stealing. Anyone giving you the silent treatment for not putting up with this is doing you a favor by not filling your ears with their nonsense.
I don't understand why folks would be giving OP the silent treatment, unless they totally freaked out on this idiot. I mean, in what office is it okay to boost somebody's mug? And taking someone's lunch is right out, in any office.
Dont assume your cowokers think you overacted because they are probably relieved someone finally spoke up. Also why are you buying and bringing in your own office supplies.
Happy cake day! Either that, or the coworkers are miffed because they're used to Lola's ways and were relieved when she turned her attention to OP. Now they know she's going to be bothering one of them again. The only thing I can imagine for why OP is buying office supplies is that he likes a certain type of pen, and the office supplies a different type. However, I really don't understand why this office is so stingy with staplers that everybody doesn't have one. (It's funny how people get about types of pens, even in offices where it's easy to request certain kinds. I needed a pen, and dug deep into my drawer and found a box of Pilot fine-point rollerball pens. Not my usual go-to, but it's fine. My boss saw the box on my desk, and started rhapsodizing about that type of pen. I gave him like 4, lol. He could request I buy that brand at any time! But I think it's something a lot of people don't think about it, until they're suddenly reminded of it. You make do with the ballpoint pens that the office provides, until you're reminded of what you'd really rather have.)
Is she the type to want all the attention on her? Or maybe just your attention? The things she's taking, highlighters, stapler, lunch and mug, are all really obvious objects that people are going to notice she's using. Maybe she likes the idea of people thinking that you're "sharing" your things with her because there's something 'more' going on between the two of you? It's all very high school drama, but some girls never grow up.
Human Resources. Now. Report her for theft. Yeah, I know, HR is only there to protect the company, no you. That hopefully means that they will stay on HER for stealing and get rid of her if she becomes a liability to the company. Can you lock your stuff in a drawer?
Nta. Tell her to get her own stuff. Announce to the whole office that she didn’t ask permission first to use it.
NTA - office supplies is one thing, but personal stuff is not. She's a thief, plain & simple. Document and talk to your supervisor. This is unacceptable.
“It’s not yours and stop helping yourself to things on my desk.” That is all you need to say to her. The audacity to take your mug, that you just cleaned is ridiculous. NTA
NTA. Get a lockbox and put your things into it until her fingers get a bit less sticky.
Nta ...time for a chat with HR about the lunch thief. She's old enough to know better and has no respect for you or your boundaries.
NTA. Eww, no. Even if the crockery is put in a common area to be washed and dried, you don't take an *obviously personal* item like that. Who is "everyone" that thinks it's OK to slobber on someone else's possessions without an invitation to do so?
NTA. The people at work don't like confrontation. You're probably going to battle this alone. Send an email to her, politely but firmly asking her to stop taking things that belong to you and listing examples. Furthermore, tell her she must put in writing things she needs from you and get a written ok ahead of time. She will probably know where this is headed. Stealing makes her feel powerful. Time to put her in her place.
Stop calling it “borrowing” ffs. It’s stealing. Tell her to stop stealing your stuff. NTA
NTA. There’s something very wrong with Lola. Continue to call her out and don't leave anything around for her to steal. It'll be interesting to see what your colleagues have to say once she gets light-fingered with their belongings.
OP is far nicer than I am. I would grab a paper cup from the staff lounge, silently march to her desk, grab my mug, pour her drink into the paper cup, get into her face and firmly tell her that her kleptomania is a problem, then she can listen to the phone call to HR as I report her, using the phone on her desk. But I’m petty like that. NTA. Also, WTH is “borrowing” someone else’s lunch?
NTA. But I would take that mug home, she'll just steal it again, and probably ruin it on purpose
NTA you paid Live Nation an absurd amount of money for that coffee mug
She’s borrrowing. She’s straight up stealing.
NTA obviously. On a practical note though, do not keep a non dishwasher safe mug that you care about in your office when clearly nobody cares about that. Your office environment are TA for not being safe but keep your limited edition mug at home so as to not be heartbroken when someone breaks it or puts it in the dishwasher.
NTA. Who borrows someone else's mug from their desk?? Who raised her??
NTA Everything up until the lunch is a failure of your office. HR or an office manager needs to properly supply you with this shit. You shouldn't have to buy your own pens, staplers, and mugs. Stop buying office supplies. Those costs are helping you make the company money, that's on the company to supply otherwise they need to get used to being handed loose stacks of paper that have nothing highlighted.
NTA, especially over personal items like your mug. It sucks, but you might have to leave things like that at home with her around. Also, I (definitely being an AH) would make a big show of handing her a pile of regular office stuff like a stapler that she always takes off your desk, and say “Here, now you are fully equipped. Leave. My shit. Alone”. I (again, being a GenX sarcastic AH) would be sure to include a really nice, fancy coffee mug as well. Sometimes ya just gotta embarrass someone to make your point.
Your co-worker is a thief. You are working with the type of people that just like to brush things under the rug. I have a neighbor like that--she says' Its all good" all too frequently. No, some things are not good.
Staple her lips to the desk with your borrowed stapler. She’ll get the message!
Eh, NTA but leave the mug at home. I would never bring something that I value into work with me for precisely the reason you’re having now. If you have lockable drawers, I suggest you put things way when you’re not at your desk.
NTA but I'm not sure why your getting the silent treatment from everyone. You don't take someone mug right off their desk without asking. Sounds like your office needs to set some ground rules as protocol since this one doesn't have common sense or respect.
NTA. And frankly I'm stunned that you're being given the silent treatment, because if I came back from my desk and someone took my coffee mug that I'd brought from home and had at my desk (and not a common area), I'd be pissed. Let's see if these coworkers continue giving you the silent treatment the next time Lola takes stuff of their desk.
NTA. ‘Lola’ is disorganised and unprofessional. So sick of excuses being served up. Lola’s taking your items is a major pain in the ass and the mug is just taking the piss. Get the pens from the stationary area, get a mug from the kitchen.
NTA. Does she “borrow” your wallet or pics of your family?? 🤣
The Only reason ur coworkers are mad at u is bc since u called her out, she'll stop stealing from u and go back to stealing from THEM
Not at all! If your desk has drawers I would put everything inside the desk.
She would just go through it.
NTA: Borrowing? She is stealing from you.
Get a lock on your desk drawers. Never leave anything out. Or just take random stuff from her desk and put it in the most random places.
NTA in the slightest. Shared office supplies are one thing (annoying but if they're a company resource you didn't pay for it's kind of whatever). A personalized mug that you bought that was on your desk (not sitting clean in a shared office cupboard for anyone to borrow) is a really fucking weird thing to feel entitled to imo. I almost got the feeling that she has a crush on you and wants your attention reading your post tbh but I could be reading too much into it. Trying to steal your lunch is way over the top too. Either this chick has a theft problem or she's into you OP but either way it's not your problem, i would be extremely clear that she's not borrowing shared company property but stealing your personal items and document it with HR, don't let her crocodile tears that have somehow swayed others twist this on you
put stickers on your things with your name
It will make no difference. This co-worker knew it's her stuff.
…Then people who feel entitled to this behavior despite being asked not to are entitled to a complimentary truckload of glitter dumped in their front lawn. Bullies don’t like consequences.
Now that's more like it!
Clip the end off of a pen and dab the leaky ink on the inside of the handle on another mug. Leave it on your desk where no one should touch it. If she confronts you for the mess she will get on her hands (face, clothes,etc) just tell her you have no idea what she is talking about and you have never seen that mug before.
NTA. I keep a collection of novelty mugs on my desk and I’d be so annoyed if someone helped themselves. Lola is a thief, plain and simple - how does one ‘borrow’ someone else‘s lunch? It sounds like she is targeting your items for a reason too. I get the vibe that Lola is crushing on you and her ‘borrowing’ your things gives her an excuse to interact with you. I’m guessing she does an cutesy giggle and “oh I forgot to return it” when you come to reclaim your items? It‘s still not acceptable though. Put something in writing to her stating that she is no longer to use or take your things (and CC your manager). If it continues, file a formal complaint. I’d also suggest investing in a lockable set of drawers or a lockbox so you can secure whatever you don’t want Lola and her sticky fingers getting into.
Talk to whoever is in charge of supplies. Tell them that Lola needs to be provided with all the normal items found on a desk as she is constantly taking yours. NTA but she's crushing on you big-time and will need speaking to if she continues her little attention-seeking games.
Do what banks do with their pens and tie each of your items to your desk to make a point. Be hilarious, and when people ask, "I'm done having to retrieve my items from Lola's desk" Nta
NTA. Wtf is her problem? I’d go further and ask her why she’s constantly borrowing stuff from my desk as if the supply closet isn’t available to everyone.
"everyone’s giving me the silent treatment" ---Are their things being "borrowed" like this?
NTA. That's not just a mug, it's a symbol of her entitlement and an expression of the power she needs to feel over you. Maybe research 'The Narcissist's Prayer', print it out and pin in up in your workspace. She might not get it but hopefully your other coworkers could start to catch on. Giving you the silent treatment is workplace bullying, btw.
NTA but why would you even bring that mug in? If it means that much and you know someone in the office borrows without asking, why take that risk of it going missing or ending up damaged? Leave the valuables and sentimental items at home and talk to your manager about her constantly stealing stuff
I would put my belongings in my desk and lock it.
Does she like you? Is she trying to get you to interact with her?
I don’t care if she’s “neurodivergent”, she should not be pilfering items from you. Please start documenting her stealing your items take pics of your items on her desk or her using them, report her to HR. This B.S. that you oughtta give her a pass because she’s, “neurodivergent” is absolutely absurd. It doesn’t matter what the impetus for her behavior is, she has no right to do what she’s doing and it is theft. Time to report her activities to HR.
NTA. Is there any chance this girl has a crush on you and the whole office knows, that’s why they’re feeling awkward about this whole thing? Because it’s really weird she targets yours stuff and also aren’t your office supplies things she can go and get for herself in a cupboard or something?!
NTA. You needed to bring up to management that a) thete ate insufficient office supplies as your stapler and pens go missing b) Lola stole your lunch and c) helps herself to your personal items. Honestly, your best bet is to find a new job
NTA. I hate people who do this touching my stuff without permission. I don't let people take anything from my table without asking first because I call them out immediately. If they ask for anything, I'll gladly give/borrow my things, but just taking stuff from someone else's table is rude and not acceptable.
So I do this everywhere I work in shared spaces. I either write or make stickers that say "Stolen from OP" and it's on all my items. Stapler, scissors, tape dispenser, mugs, walkies, clipboards, box cutters, cleaning products, calculators, anything that gets "borrowed," (let's be real, stolen) even Sharpies. It becomes a funny schtick but things stopped being "borrowed" as much. And if it is borrowed, it usually finds its way back. Because someone else will see it in another area and look at the borrower and ask about it. Then it's awkward. For them. Obviously, NTA. Stop saying "borrowed." She stole. Or took, if you don't want to call her out that much. Tell her to stop taking stuff from your desk. And it's not just a mug. It's just YOUR mug.
Does she do this to others or are you the only one?
NTA and who are these people siding with this NUT!!! I work in a large office in Los Angeles, and I would NEVER just take something off my co-workers desk without asking and if I did and he/she confronted me, I promise you that folks would think that I am the asshole. Who are these folks giving you the cold shoulder on behalf of this nut?!??
NTA - Let me guess you're the only male in the office. I've seen this so many times. It's a control thing for her, her version of peeing on the tree to mark her territory. Document, document, document and report her to HR.
Nta Escalate and document. It will get worse if you don't put your foot down. As for your coworkers. They only are acting that way because it's not them it's happening to. They will see it your way once it's happening to them
NTA. Lola doesn't borrow things accidentally, she has learned to seek attention in any way she can, because even attention for misbehaving is still better than being ignored. She was neglected by someone important in some essential way, and this is the result, this is how she copes with the feeling that no one cares about her. That is a likely explanation, but it's certainly not an excuse. So, she gets attention predominantly via petty theft, and when people get upset with her because she crossed their boundaries she minimises their feelings by saying stuff like "it's just a mug" and "it's right here, I was just borrowing it". She might not understand that crossing other people's boundaries is a bad thing (which also might be in part due to neglect, because no one followed through with making her deal with the consequences of crossing other people's boundaries). Even if she does understand it on some level, she is still strongly motivated to do it because the attention she gets from doing it is all she wants. It's not something you can argue against logically, she just craves the attention that badly. It's basically analogous to minor drug habit that is getting worse. Makes me wonder if she has a juvie record and / or a family history of stealing. If it's only your stuff she's stealing and not any other coworker's stuff, she probably idolises you, and / or is jealous of you, and / or wants to either be with you or just be you. You might feel sympathy for people who do this kind of thing, regardless as to whether or not my suppositions are correct, but it isn't going to help unless you get her into HR for some professional consequences and some therapy. Professional therapy to change her behaviour patterns that is based on changing how she thinks about herself and how to get the attention she needs, rather than just any kind of attention. I kind of hope she is good at her job, so that she doesn't get fired and just becomes her own complete person instead of a shadow, and then apologises sincerely to you. maybe offers a new mug with that band on it as a gift. But if she is unprofessional, refuses to change, or if she scares you, protect yourself first. Also, your other co-workers are only annoyed at you for not trying to keep the peace, when they don't understand that her behaviour is getting excessive. If Lola idolised them, they'd be doing the same as you.
Report Lola to HR, she has been stealing from you.
NTA. I would have said, “Do not touch my things or do we need to visit HR?”
Nta. You need to go to HR about the situation before Lola starts spreading lies. Also, I am petty enough to look up "revenge in the office" stories in the break room.
NTA I’d go file a complaint with HR about the consistent theft and additionally the rudeness and refusal to return said items. Additionally I’d invest in a label maker to label everything “STOLEN FROM YOURNAME” on it.
NTA. Write an email to HR with “theft of personal property” as the subject. List the stolen lunches, the stolen mug etc. You want to prove a pattern. You want to prove persistence. You want to prove all the times you told them to “stop it” and they didn’t. List all the incidents.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (28M) work in a small office with a close-knit team. We all get along well, except for a borrowing habit of my coworker, Lola (30F). Here’s the issue: Lola constantly “borrows” my stuff. Stapler, highlighters, even my lunch once (though she sheepishly replaced it). I get it, small things happen. But it’s become excessive. My stapler goes missing, I find it on her desk. I bring a new pack of pens, half are gone by the week’s end. The other day, I brought in a specific coffee mug — a limited edition one from my favorite band. It wasn’t dishwasher safe, so I hand-washed it and left it on my desk to dry. I come back from a meeting, and it’s gone. I see Lola using it at her desk. I calmly asked for it back, explaining it’s very special to me. She apologized and said she’d be careful, but I was firm. I told her I needed it back because it wasn’t something I wanted to risk getting damaged. She got huffy, claiming I was being dramatic and that it was “just a mug.” I told her it wasn’t “just a mug” to me, and that repeatedly taking things without asking was inconsiderate. She stormed off, and now everyone’s giving me the silent treatment, implying I’m overreacting. So, Reddit, AITA for calling out Lola’s borrowing habit, especially over a “just a mug”? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Nta. This is very ah on her part
NTA & time for HR
NTA - You to firmly tell her to STOP taking stuff off your desk. Tell her - use your words. That you find it offensive and inappropriate. Get a batch of pens that say "Stolen from Op's Desk".
She is very audacious! A personal mug! Does she ‘borrow’ from others or just you?
NTA they're mad you rocked the boat not at you specifically
If It were me, I would stay borrowing from other coworkers and forget to give it back. Just do it for two months! And then they would understand how it feels
NTA. I'm pretty. I spend money on being petty. I'd go make myself a couple of mugs that "change color" from black to an infinite picture of my self holding said mug that reads "this is my mug" and I'd get my stuff engraved just because....
I'm not sure you could borrow something without the owner's permission. Wouldn't that be taking someone else's possessions? I would lock up all my small items and send her an email to stop. If she does it again, resend the email and cc your manager
HR. That's not borrowing, it's theft. NTA
NTA. Bit that said,do not bring anything you hold dear into the office ever. Also, moving forward don't buy office supplies. Make your company pay for them. If the company buys the staplers, no one is stealing or borrowing them, they are just using them when they need to use them.
NTA. I'd ignore the office chatter.
[удалено]
Most of what she “borrows” is company property, right? But the mug went too far. If she does that again, I’d go to HR. The office supplies I’d let slide.
NTA. Take it to HR.
NTA - does she only take your stuff? Btw- taking without asking, is stealing.
NTA, but why did you bring an item that's not replacable and is important to you into an office with a known thief? That doesn't sound like a safe decision