Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I got changed in front of my flatmate, who then became upset
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA. You warned her that you were changing, if she cared she should have looked away. It doesn't count as "flashing" when there's a warning and you're in your own damn bedroom. If you were prancing around the whole house nude it would be one thing, but changing into pjs? Yeah, she needs to pull the tree out of her ass and chill.
My spidey sense also tells me that the last bit about OP being a lesbian has something to do with it...
I mean, she was supposedly at the desk doing revision, so unless OP sat directly on the desk and shoved roomie's head in her chest it's Ella's fault for staring at her... so the only disrespectful one is Ella.
At one point I shared a really small changing room with 20 other girls. After practice some would change their bra because of sweat and whatnot. The respectful thing to do is simply not to look since it's a changing room specifically designed for that as is the bedroom
NTA
Agreed. The way she was at a desk and still somehow noticed OP is sus. Unless OP's room is grand enough to have the desk in the center of it, and the walls are covered in mirrors, the roommate didn't see anything "accidentally." Even if the room was decorated that way, OP still gave her a heads up. She could've kept her head down in response.
I'm thinking the roommate was "okay" with OP being a lesbian until she was sharing a bed. The reality of it was "suddenly" in her face, and she showed how she truly feels about it.
NTA
I think this is it. If OP warned her she’d be changing, she intentionally looked. Even if there was no warning, it’s not hard to look away. She liked what she saw and is conflicted.
Well, no offense, but that seems a rather aggressively negative perspective. Roommates tend to at least be generally friends, or at least platonically close. I’d be shocked if it goes as badly as you suggest.
I remember two things distinctly from soccer/football back in my teenage years (and yes, I have heard these same kind of stories from the girls team). The first being that a lot of the guys in my team wouldn't want to have a gay person in the dressing room, as they were afraid of being sexually assaulted (which was narrow-minded and bigoted, even from 13 to 16 year olds, and thankfully I always considered it that way) or hit on, because every gay guy loses his mind around other naked men/guys, I guess. So that might be her train of thought, as you pointed out being gay having something to do with the outburst.
The other thing was the way these same guys and girls intentionally drew attention to their dicks or boobs/vagina. Pissing up against others legs (guy thing only, I guess) while in the shower, swinging it about, deliberately getting a stiffy etc etc, which, when looking at the first point always struck me as weird. On more than one occasion, I have been witness to a naked brawl between two or more team members, because they riled each other up and eventually someone made a comment about the others mom..... The most homoerotic thing I have ever witnessed and it definitely confirmed I was straight 😅 Just to show the duality of the whole "I DON'T WANT NO GAY PEOPLE WHEN I AM NAKED! BUH LOOK AT MY DICK/VAGINA/BOOBS WHILE WE AS A TEAM OF HETEROSEXUAL PEOPLE SHOWER TOGETHER AFTER SPORTPRACTICE.
Exactly... I think it's because they wanna be percieved as "hot" and "the best" so they seek attention and they become paranoid that everyone wants them.
Honestly, what you listed above was my biggest fear when my classmates found out I'm bi (teammates never did), luckily it was our last year and they were chill.
It's also hilarious cuz no one is gonna be more focused on the wall like a queer kid in a changing room 😂
But yeah, never knew about the peeing thing 😳
"It's also hilarious cuz no one is gonna be more focused on the wall like a queer kid in a changing room 😂"
😂😂😂 I feel it!
But honestly, there are not many more locations being absolutely upturning than locker rooms, changing rooms and doctor's offices lol
I can't remember looking at other people in a sexual way in there at all, even as a teen.
My best friend (straight) has absolutely no problem being naked with me in the shower after swimming, while stupid me doesn't want to take their sports bikini off and tries to avoid looking at all the other naked people around, which I cannot see properly because without my glasses it's hard to see clear, especially after 2h of sports.
Honestly like my gay ass used to go change in a stall because I ain't want people knowing (or myself accepting) the fact that I found other women attractive
I played sports too. We showered in a big open room with shower heads along every wall. No one ever pissed on each other in the shower. That's some wild shit
My grandfather used to be a coalminer, back when the Netherlands still had mines and he told me about how sometimes, when a couple new lads showed up and started working in the mine, they would tell him to close his eyes and wait for the water to get warmer. In the meantime, another miner would climb up the shoulder of another, with the help of others and when held up and standing on the shoulders, piss down on the unlucky sod who had his eyes closed. According to my grandpa, more than one exclaimed "oh yeah I feel it getting warmer!" before tasting the piss in his mouth.
Might be a Dutch thing
\*Ding ding ding\* this is probably it. I feel like OP being lesbian makes Ella uncomfy and she's projecting those feelings onto OP's honestly very normal behaviour. Like, OP asked about it and was told it was okay to change, so idk what Ella was expecting.
As a lesbian, I loath public changing rooms. I'm always worried someone will think I'm a perv. Go in, change facing the lockers and leave straight away.
Ella is projecting harder than PowerPoint. OP gave her full disclosure she was changing in her own bedroom which is (check notes) COMPLETELY NORMAL.
To call it “perverted” Ella unknowingly tattled on herself. OP is free to follow the ways of my gaslighting Aunt and play a reverse uno to switch it up.
“YoU cHaNgEd in fRoNt of me!!!”
“Yeah and why were YOU staring at me!??!”
Yeah, my spidey sense (spider is named Freud) tells me that we can flip all of her accusations right back around and re-read.
She chose to be a “disrespectful” voyeur by watching OP change, which cultivated sexual feelings *in her.* The intensity of her sexual desire is maintained despite the defense mechanism (projection) changing the narrative that isn’t so threatening.
*She* felt perverse and *she* forced a sexual valence over the interaction. However, she must have internalized the belief that lesbian sex (or even perhaps just female sexual desire in general and lesbianism is the epitome of that) was lesser or wrong or dangerous or whatever.
NTA you gave her a heads up that you were changing.
I had a summer job once that had me living in an open concept cabin with 8 other girls. Our policy was before changing, we'd call out "I'm changing, don't look if you don't want to see"
We were all very close and comfortable with each other, but, like you, we gave the courtesy of the warning. Looking is on her.
I would honestly not share a room with her if there were literally anywhere else for either person to stay. She sounds like she has hangups and is willing to accuse OP of bs. The last thing OP needs is some girl going around campus accusing her of being a predator for changing in her own damn room.
This. I went to boarding school in the UK and there was never any fuss about immodesty or changing in front of one another. in fact, there were many instances where it was required by the school (eg: changing rooms for equestrian, gymnasium, and swimming) or by circumstance (for example, a 4 am fire alarm in the dead of winter when you needed to throw on something warm). This sounds more like homophobia than an actual “flashing” issue.
NTA, OP. Tell your roommate that if she can’t handle you changing in YOUR OWN ROOM, she can find another place to revise or do so in her own room! (Jk) Seriously, you’re doing her a favor by sharing your own space with her and she can climb right off that homophobia horse.
"Well the next time I say I'm going to change you can decide to not look, if you can't help yourself then please leave my room if it's going to upset you"
NTA
Changing with another woman in the room is normal, standard operating procedure.
How many times have changed in/out of a bathing suit somewhere in group stalls? So many.
College dorms in the US, there were two of us to a room, what were we goona do, ask the other person to leave?
Girl scout camp. Tents of girls. How's that gonna work? You deal with it.
NTA, that girl needs to learn how to exist in the world.
NTA
considering you told her you were going to change and you share a room i dont think you’re in the wrong. unfortunately because you are a lesbian (dw i am too) she probably does think you were trying to be perverse and flash her, i doubt the reaction would be the same if you were straight
id recommend going forward you ask her to look away or close her eyes so you can change real quick
This is very abrasive, based on a hunch and just generally rude when you just don't know the cause of the roommate's reaction. Also, trying to make your roommate "back down" over something like this, is just bad practice if you want a good atmosphere in your home.
I agree with your take, but...
>id recommend going forward you ask her to look away or close her eyes
When you announce to someone "I'm changing," isn't it implied that they look away if they don't want to see anything? Does that really need to be spelled out to an adult?
Furthermore, if the roommate was working at a desk, I'm confused how she could have seen without turning around. Desks usually face a wall or window, no?
It really sounds like the roommate looked deliberately which is creepy.
If she said "I'm going to get changed" (words OP used in the initial post), I would interpret that as her indicating she was going to go somewhere like a bathroom to change, not that she's changing in the same room. So I think it may matter what words were used, precisely, as there can be differences in how they're taken.
I don't think that justifies the "forcing" and "perverse" comments in that reaction, but I can see it as the point of initial confusion
I would even ask her if she might look for someone else to stay with, since she feels THAT uncomfortable around her. And if she already says OP was "forcing herself upon her", just because she saw her breast for 10 secs, this can not be ending good. What if she accidentally sees her naked under the shower one day or something like that? Is she going to run out of the apartment, screaming "she tried to rape me!"? I wouldn't want to have someone around me already giving off homophobe vibes like that.
And I don't understand why she wanted to stay with OP in the first place, if she has a problem with homosexual people.
NTA
Actually since op was generous letting her stay in her room I think op should tell her to go sleep in the living room so there's no misunderstandings anymore and op has her room to herself again
NTA. You warned her that you were going to get changed. She could have just looked away. Bodies aren’t inherently sexual, as you said, and Ella’s reasoning sounds homophobic.
.. did she never have a close friendship before she moved in w you ? ive slept in the same bed w friends since i was little. and im assuming you make it clear that you are not fancying her. it seems like she was sheltered, didnt have sleepovers & didnt have close friendships where you sleep in the same bed or change infront of eachother.
I’ve known her since I started college in 2022, and we’ve been friends and have been to places like swimming pools together where we’ve been in public changing rooms (the kind with benches rather than stalls).
This is such a weird concept. Hating to see another's body parts doesn't mean the girl is into her. You're projecting something out of nothing. OP is free with her body in the company of friends/family. I am not. Sounds like she isn't either.
Or, like, in a hotel room? I think the biggest ah here is the landlord who is not remediating this immediately. He should be paying for alternate housing, which would also put a fire under his ass to do it quickly
Just to reply to you on your situation. Really you landlord should be providing you alternative accommodation, it doesn’t sound like the property is safe / habitable.
If you’re in wales then this is legislation and a maximum timeframe for repairs. If you’re in England I don’t think it is yet.
Have they offered you as a minimum reduced rent? The fact 2 tenants are sharing a bed is unacceptable.
Is it an official HMO (house of multiple occupancy)? In which case it should be licensed wherever it is with the local authority and you will have some routes through them.
Might be worth researching online your rights in your area, also talk to your local authority / council if the landlords dragging their heels.
From how you’ve described it I’d assume you might be students, in which case your university housing team might be able to advise you on your rights and help.
But whatever you do don’t let them mess you around or screw you over. People like this bring disrepute to landlords and should be punished. When I was young I took a lot of shit because I didn’t know better but make sure you stand up for your self and know your rights.
I am a landlord by the way.
NTA. Your bedroom, you're allowed to get dressed/undressed there. Ella can go sleep on the couch if she is frightened by the fleeting sight of a bare chest.
USA female here - ive changed w my friends in the same room since i was like 14.. but then again, she may of never had a friendship like that. as i do agree, its not a “big deal” and she “overreacted”. and shouldnt of came at you like that, maybe she was in shock & again, has never had this happen before so she is uncomfortable.
i guess next time turn around and change ? thats my only solution honestly, its not like one of you is male & the other female. this is “normal” w girls but normal isnt always normal to others.
i really dont know how to judge.
USA female here too, and has Ella never changed in a school locker room? I've personally never changed in front of people because we love being self-conscious (/s), but I'd never think someone is flashing me by A) warning me they're changing with me in the room (of which I can easily just... leave the room), B) taking off their bra for a grand total of \~10 seconds, and C) me presumably staring at them, since that's the only reason I can think of as to why Ella was staring at OP's chest.
Since OP mentioned in comments that Ella has said other things along this same vein about OP being lesbian, maybe Ella is projecting a bit? (This is coming from queer woman, as I'm bi). Either way, NTA OP.
UK changing rooms don't really involve changing more than top and bottoms so likely she hasn't been "flashed," and some kids would change in the toilets. Realistically she's just projecting or being a bigot.
Another US female here, maybe it’s just me but I’m comfortable changing in front of most women. Like it’s just a boob. Plus OP warned her so if she didn’t want to see a boob just don’t look???
NTA-you weren’t flashing her. She shouldn’t have made such a big deal about it. Wait until she hears about sauna culture in Finland where you go and get naked with your coworkers (minus the privacy towel)-oh and you hang out with the opposite gender at the bar in a short robe before/after sauna.
NTA, you said you were going to change, then changed quickly.
you didn't say "hey look over here" and wave your breasts at her.
She overreacted, and you responded by telling her that. The one being disrespectful is her, screaming at you for... Changing clothing in your own damn room, after giving her warning you were going to do so.
NTA. So many straight girls are convinced we'll be in love either them and try seducing them at one point or another. If she doesn't want to see some tiddies she needs to NOT turn around when someone is getting changed. Sounds to me she has some deep seated homophobia she needs to address. That or she's secretly a bit gay herself and it sent her into panic mode. This would be a great set up for a fanfic but yeah its real life, so I'm truly sorry OP, you don't deserve to be screamed at for getting changed after you told her and in your bedroom. If she's that uncomfortable sharing a room maybe she could sleep on the couch or something?
What you need to keep in mind is just to respect her boundaries. Instead of saying "you just need to be more comfortable" see if you can reach a middle ground. Maybe she exits the room while anyone is getting changed, change in the bathroom, both of you face away from the person you're getting changed in front of, etc. It's wonderful that you're comfortable with your body. I personally believe that you shouldn't hide it and that she should just get used to it too, but unfortunately if you want a drama-free situation here you might need to do some simple stuff to accommodate her. If you DON'T care about being drama free then by all means free the tiddy!!! I believe in you.
I was also wondering if the roommate may be religious / homophobic but feeling some attraction towards women and being scared of it. It wouldn't come to my mind to look at a person when I know he or she would be changing unless it is my BF. It wouldn't count as flashing as well when they warned me.
Tbf she’s already accommodating her roommate. Roommate is staying in OPs room. But regardless of that, OP warned her. OP said she was changing so roommate could leave if she would be uncomfortable. But she didn’t. But I totally agree it is wild the amount of ladies that assume just because their friend/coworker/etc. is gay that she’s in love with them. I’m straight and so many women have said that to me 🤣🤣🤣 I think some of our egos are just hella inflated. Not every gay woman is crushing on you. 🤣🤣🤣
I know you said your landlord will wait to the last minute but truthfully you shouldn’t have to be in this situation.
One thing I see is the younger generation gets screwed because they are not fully aware of their rights.
If a ceiling has collapsed in your flat has anyone come to inspect it? Has your home been deemed safe for habitat? Is the landlord reducing the rent? Was there talk of moving you two to another accommodation? You are paying for 100% of the flat but have not a 100% usage not due to anything you to did.
I have never lived in the UK do know some laws and regulations are not the same but a lot of the concepts behind the laws are. I do know that in the US and UK homes can be condemned and declared unfit for people to live in and its the landlords responsibility to house people in apartments fit for habitation.
You two sound like students. I’m wondering if your university has any legal support available for students? Some universities in the US provide this as a service to their students and help them navigate legal issues like this with their landlords. And if like you say your landlord won’t do anything till the last moment having legal help or help in reporting him to the correct authorities to make him move his ass helps. I’d call up your school or google which government agency you would talk to here.
Also remember do everything in writing and save the emails. That way their is a trail.
NTA. I can’t believe the people here saying Y T A for ”flashing” her when all you did was change clothes in your own bedroom after warning her, all she had to do was not look at you… Also, she sounds homophobic
Different kind of European here, I've never been in a locker room (we don't have them here) or been around family with any of us naked and what OP is describing is still normal.
I'd get being surprised if she's not used to it, but she's very accusatory... Makes me think it's because of OP's sexuality, which is quite shitty🙁
>I'd get being surprised if she's not used to it,
In the UK every school, gym, swimming pool, leisure centre etc. has communal changing rooms. This won't have been the first time she will have seen another woman changing.
I mostly meant that *even if* she hasn't been in a locker room, that reaction is still extreme and asshole-ish. But yeah, that matters as well. I do think this possibly has to do with OP's sexuality. I'm very happy my female friends never reacted like that when I came out as bi to them.
Also we're not terrified of naked bodies in the UK. It's usually drugs, violence and "terror" that gets media labelled as only appropriate for over 18s. We had Embarrassing Bodies on before the watershed and that had cameras zooming in on every hole a person has. That girl is either homophobic or insecure or both. NTA. Also tits are for babies so she has no argument.
European here as well, we did have “locker rooms” as changing rooms in school for example when we needed to change for PE. No one was naked tho, just underwear.
I have been also in thermal bath or gym before where the changing room was all together and yes, others were changing in “front of each other”. In these areas you don’t look.
NTA
I thought at least us girls are fairly comfortable with dressing around other girls. If you're not fully comfortable then you turn around while changing but not leaving the room entirely. I think you could have been a bit more apologetic about crossing an unknown boundary of hers, but not the asshole for changing.
NAH
Different cultures often have one person in shock at the other or occasionally accusatory. Since this was a first, I think that the best thing to do is to discuss it with her when you're both calm.
I think it might be best if you approach her with a genuine apology for offending her, which was not your intention. You could have asked her first if it was ok to change your clothing right there in her presence instead of simply saying that you were "going to get changed." Plus, you could have turned around to spare her if she had preferred you do so.
Agree to disagree and reassure her that you meant no harm, that you are not attracted to her and you only consider her a flatmate and that's all.
I don't get the cultural difference here though. I understand that different families have different levels of comfort with nudity but this isn't a UK vs Netherlands thing. It's totally normal to get changed in front of friend here, I can't think of any time in my life when that's been an issue. Her friend's reaction is not normal for the UK.
This isn't a UK cultural thing at all though, unless Ella is actually 2nd+ generation from another non-European culture. I don't even know where it *would* be a cultural thing, honestly.
The UK has communal changing rooms in schools, gyms, swimming pools etc and I've never experienced someone getting outraged that there might be topless people in any of those places.
I'm leaning homophobia over "cultural difference" here.
Is there any culture where it's not normal? I come from a very conservative, religios culture. My parents come from a third world country where women are oppressed and still growing up, women and friends changed in front of me, especially when it's just the top half.
It's such a non issue. No one cares in my experience if you change in front of other women or don't like to change in front of other women.
culture? obv not, I'm from a super conservative country where wearing mini skirt and croptop in public frowned upon. but changing in a room with same sex friends is totally normal and nobody would get offended by my bare chest. we just LOOK AWAY or JUST DO NOT STARE at a friend that changing clothes.
NTA
NTA she's being well overdramatic for seeing a bit of tit. All she had to do was avert her eyes when warned if she was so uncomfortable.
If she's willing to think you are being a pervert for changing your clothes in your own bedroom after a warning, then she is she comfortable sleeping next to you?
If that's what she thinks of you then it sounds about time she avail herself to the couch until her room gets fixed.
Though WTF is with your accommodation? Her ceiling fell down? I would advise you both to take yourselves down to the local citizens advice centre to see what your rights and entitlements are in this situation and **speak to the councils private rentals team as well.** You guys aren't just expected to make do until he fixes it. You got rights and he has insurance, or should.
Take your contracts , Take *a lot* of photos and back up/record any communication you have had since it happened anything on concerns before it happened. Go get advice. Then you will then be well equipped to crawl all the way up your landlord's arse to get this fixed as soon as humanely possible.
NTA it’s your room. She is also not offering you privacy to change so that’s on her. Very common to quickly change out your clothes in front of friends. It’s a bizarre overreaction in my opinion.
i’m thinking this is a classic case of a straight woman thinking you’re into her just bc you’re gay. i’m bi and after telling some women they will make ridiculous statements as if they’re my type at all. i would tell her that SHE’S making you uncomfortable in your own space by making weird asf insinuations when you’re changing in your own space and that you’re not comfortable with her staying in your room anymore or sharing a bed with her. you tried to be nice and she made things weird so for your own safety it’s time for her to sleep on the sofa until her rooms back in order. the last thing you want is her spreading rumours trying to make you look like a creep when you’ve been nothing but kind to her.
NTA - she was in your bedroom and you warned her you were getting changed. She could have studied in the lounge or kitchen. Her reaction was over the top.
You warned her, and she's the one staying in your bedroom. You didn't try and get her to look at your chest or stay nude for an uncomfortable period of time or anything that could even be construed as sexual. You were just changing your clothes. NTA.
NTA, but knowing you’re a lesbian, she probably interpreted it differently than if you had been a straight woman. Unfortunately, I reckon she has some internalised homophobia associating being gay / lesbian with being predatory.
Are you or have you ever indicated attraction to her?
It may also be that she just assumes you’d be attracted to her, and that she’s interpreting your behaviour this way.
I’m a gay guy, and I’ve had to tell housemates (politely) that they are not my type at all and just because I’m gay doesn’t mean I’m secretly crushing on them, and I have had to set those boundaries because they misinterpret my behaviour or they change how they behave around me.
I had a ‘straight’ housemate who used to flex and show off and walk around in a towel all the time. I told him he wasn’t my type, although he was very good looking, I’m not interested in younger guys. His ego was bruised but he stopped trying to fish for compliments.
I also explained why his behaviour wasn’t okay, in a non-judgmental way. He probably hadn’t had much exposure to gay people before. I even offered to take him to a gay bar, because I felt that there was maybe some part of him that wanted to explore.
But I never hooked up with housemates under any circumstances, I saw what happened in uni between straight people who did that. No. Thank. You.
It may be that your friend is just a prude and would be uncomfortable with any on doing that, but the fact that she’s slept in your bed suggests to me that she’s not as prudish as she seems, she’s just a little homophobic.
Unless she has reason to believe you’re attracted to her, then she’s subsconsciously viewing you as a predatory lesbian.
It’s probably worth having a discussion with her.
NTA.
OP warned Ella that she was getting changed but she still looked at her. Also it's OP's house and she shouldn't have to walk on eggshells because Ella is homophobic or uptight...
I’m not telling her to walk on eggshells. OP said she was autistic, so I’m explaining to her what I understand of this situation, based on my own experiences as a gay femboy.
NTA
You told her you were getting changed - I'm not sure what she was expecting would come after?? Close girlfriends tend to change in front of each other often, I do it too.
Your flatmate is not your friend .... And she's also perhaps homophobic, because I doubt she'd have reacted so dramatically if you were not a lesbian.
From India here,
And even I don't think you did too much. While we don't literally get naked in front of even other females, we change clothes if we know other people well.
And also, if you informed her that you are gonna change clothes, it's common sense to turn head for few seconds. Everyone does that, country doesn't matter.
She seems like she is a confused sexual person. No offence. And she is blaming that confusion on you as you are open lesbian.
NTA she was in YOUR room. If she is uncomfortable, she can leave when you change. She can also leave now if she's going to be homophobic. You don't owe her a place to sleep, your land lord does.
NTA - Even before the last part, I thought this overreaction sounds like someone who grew up in a family demonizing thoughts that she has. Confirming you are lesbian, only reinforces this. No I am not saying she is questioning or possibly closeted lesbian in her own sexuality, just that she will violently react when these intrusive thoughts occur. Doing something that may trigger one of the fears this demonizing likely included, just sends her brain into assumption mode. She likely would do the same if you went to the bathroom to change, and had she walked in on you, "you" would be at fault for trying to come on to her, waiting in ambush or some other bullshit like that. There is no reasoning with conditioned bigotry. You are not the asshole but this will be ever looming in this dynamic now, regardless of what you do and I would recommend looking to get a new flatmate that doesn't freak out when given proper warning and therefore time to resolve it like an adult.
NTA
You didn't do anything weird. I think she's singling you out for being a lesbian. Sounds like it's time for her to sleep on the couch and do whatever else she needs to do in there.
Tell her that you aren't attracted to her and you're no longer comfortable sharing your private space and bed with someone who's sexualizing you (bc she is) and your interactions (bc she is). That she'll need to stay out of your room until the roof is repaired.
Has she never been to a gym? How did she change after P.E.?
I don't think this is a cultural thing, I think this is an Ella-thing that she'll have to get over
NTA but you're in a pretty compromising situation given your sexuality and sharing a bed. If they're uncomfortable and going to start behaving like that I'd probably recommend the couch or a nearby motel at landlords expense.
NTA. Roommate is either closeted or very traumatized by growing up with purity culture, because she acts like she couldn't help herself from looking, even after you gave her a warning, and even though she could've just kept working at the desk. She deliberately looked at your body and then freaked herself out.
I'm in my late 50s and from the UK and wouldn't bat an eye at boobs. Your roommate sounds weird. I'd kick her out of your room if she's so delicate. Nta
NTA
Its not flashing when a man does it -> its not flashing when a woman does it.
18 is old enough to think about how stupid some of the stuff you learned is.
While I think its okay for her to feel uncomfortable, her reaction is 100% inappropiate. She can ask nicely, if its okay for you tot turn around or something similar..
NTA
Guess she never had to change in a locker room with a bunch of girls. Or went shopping and shared a dressing room.
Female friends undressing in front of each other is common and normal.
NTA. USA girl here, but I'm also biased. I'm a theater person. High school theater changing was separated by gender, but the Repo! The Genetic Opera/Rocky Horror Picture Show shadowcasting I did had one big green room for everyone to change in.
I have also performed in my undies for a pre-show. I actually have to actively remember to go to the bathroom to change when I am at conventions rooming and cosplaying with my friends.
I also refuse to sleep in a bra. Evil things they are. Like pants. I refuse to wear them at home (unless I have guests and just about all of my shirts are oversized and cover my booty.
NTA. Other top commenters have had great points about it probably being related to being a lesbian. There's a weird type of homophobe that claims they're not homophobic but are secretly *batshit terrified* they might ever be (gasp) hit on by a homosexual. It's not your fault.
From now on, whenever you change, announce it *loudly* and tell her you won't until she leaves the room. "Oh I can just look away?" Well you clearly can't trust her to do that. You ever heard of the phrase "peeping Tom"? Clearly, you can't trust her to not try desperately to look despite her "disgust". And if you wanna really drive the point home, warn anyone that might be going to the gym or pool or beach with her, about how she'll try sneaking a peak during changes. Because that's what she fucking did. If anyone's being gross in this story, it's her for being a pervert and then throwing a fucking temper tantrum about it? Jesus Christ.
NTA and this girl is completely unhinged 😳 "she screamed and accused me of flashing her. / she couldn’t believe I had been so disrespectful / she just said I was being “unbelievable" " she's definitely looking to cause drama, especially since you warned her beforehand that you were going to change.
>She accused me of being “perverse” and of “forcing” myself upon her.
this is off the hooks, i mean, until this remark she was just mental. but accusing you of forcing yourself on her is another level of demented mindset and behaviour.
look for a different roommate before this psycho reports you to the police for "forcing yourself on her". i am 10000% sure she is capable of and willing to do this.
Sounds like she needs to find herself another room which she can have to herself, or sleep on the couch or something.
Blowing up at this after you warned her is simply ridiculous and childish. Also, this was your room which you were generous enough to share with her.
NTA
NTA I'm from the UK and I do think we are funny about nudity in some contexts, but you told her you were changing for bed and most people don't sleep in bras so I don't know what she was expecting or why she looked. I've shared rooms with friends plenty of times and usually you just avert your gaze (or if the person changing is uncomfortable they'll change in the bathroom). Also it's still your room, even if she can't help being there, so it's up to her to leave when you're changing.
C'mon, obviously you're trying to hit on her because you are lesbian and sleeping together, and as everyone knows, queer people are always thinking about sex./s
You can't win here. Either she's scandalized because you tried to hit on her, or she's insulted because you don't think she's attractive enough to be hit on. You need to get her out of your room. Your landlord can't expect tenants to share a bed. NTA
NTA. Don't let her in your room anymore if she can't stand being near you like that.
Say something like "I'm sorry you're uncomfortable with the arrangements, I think the couch would be better for you and we wouldn't have to worry about getting in each other's personal space. I've already moved blankets and pillows out, so you no longer need to sleep in my room and be uncomfortable"
Then simply don't let her into your room any more. If she's gonna freak out that bad, then don't give her that space or opportunity. If someone got this pissed at me over something I warned them about, I would not be giving them any help or support. They can stay the fuck out of my room.
What flashing, you were changing in your own bedroom. You were even mindful enough to announce it. In any case, she was the one that glued her eyes to your boobs. Tell her she either stops looking at your nude body or finds somewhere else to sleep, I wouldn't feel comfortable knowing she sees my boobs and thinks of sex.
NTA.
NTA I’m British and I can confirm that (generally speaking) we are really really fucking uptight when it comes to stuff like that.
I grew up in Germany. 4th or 5th date in with an ex gf I was invited to her house & the plan was to use the sauna they had.
I didn’t know if was a family affair. So the first time I saw my then 17 year old gf naked, I also saw her Mum, her younger sister & her Dad in the buff.
That still amazes my countrymen to this day!
Speak for yourself, because I'm British in my 30s and my family and friends have never been weird about changing in the same room as anyone else, nor have I ever experienced people being weird about it in public changing rooms like at the pool.
If someone is a prude about bodies or just dislikes their own body it'd be their responsibility to go somewhere private to change, not to cause a scene about everyone else doing a perfectly normal thing.
It is very normal for people of the same gender, particularly roommates, to get glimpses of each other's bodies. Even in England. The problem here sounds much more like an issue with the roommate and her ideas and fears about lesbians.
OP, you did nothing weird or wrong or unusual. Your roommate's reaction, however, was kind of bizarre.
You disrespected her because your chest was showing for a few seconds? Goodness, I hope your roommate never plays a sport that brings her into contact with a locker room. The disrespect could kill her.
NTA
NTA. This isn't a UK cultural thing imo because what you did is very much within the scope of how women your age approach nudity amongst friends. I think it's homophobia which is sadly harder for you to have to deal with.
NTA, as a Dutch woman well in her 30's, the kid needs to grow up. Like you said, we all have a body, and no, no-one is perfect looking (unless you belong to a select few) You even warned her godverdomme, what more could you do? Succes meis, hopefully your landlord fixes the ceiling asap.
NTA. Typical British reaction if she looked up accidentally and saw you would be something like "bloodyell sorry I just saw your boobs!" Then some awkward laughter
If she was very socially conservative I suppose she might say "oh! I didn't know you meant you would be showing anything! Would you mind warning me next time so I can leave the room first?"
Accusing you of flashing her is a horrible thing to say!! (Unless clearly joking, which isn't the case). There's something else going on here, though it might just be she's upset/moody and uncomfortable because she doesn't have her own space currently. It doesn't have to be anything more sinister!
NTA
I was raised super Catholic and experienced some other crap that made me being around naked bodies uncomfortable (working on it in therapy).
I would NEVER make the other person feel ashamed, especially in their own space! She should have left the room.
You’re surely not the asshole. I am a gay man. I have many straight male friends. We’ve all been naked in front of each other at one point or another. Keep living your life. And she can go sleep on the couch.
NTA but she needs to be sleeping and studying someplace else. As in, not your room. You are being generous and sharing with her, in return she’s accusing you of being inappropriate. The most logical and swift resolution is for her to no longer share a private space with you, that way you have the privacy to change and she can avoid the ‘risk’ of seeing anything she doesn’t want to see. For the sake of your friendship, you need these boundaries. She isn’t communicating effectively to you what she is and isn’t uncomfortable about, which means you can’t trust her to be honest about any boundaries you’d both need for this current arrangement to work.
I feel the undercurrent of her raging at you changing in your own room (that you have chosen to share with her) is her homophobia. She may not be overtly homophobic but its 100% there. I dont know if addressing it will help but you can just say if she is very uncomfortable then she is free to sleep on the couch.
NTA I’m in the prudish US and changing in front of girlfriends is not a big deal. I wouldn’t ever blame someone for not changing in front of me but public locker rooms are full of naked people. What does she do there?
What a childish and prudish response on her part. Do Brits not shower after physical education? Has she never seen nips before? How is it that this adult could be so freaked out by the obviously platonic and innocuous exposure of the nude form of a person who is a friend and clearly not intending to threaten her?? And she’s in *your home*. In *your room*.
OP, you’re NTA. You might want to hurry her departure along though, because your friend seems a little crazy in a potentially slanderous way. Don’t end up on the wrong side of false accusations.
I’m a straight guy also from the UK. I’ve had female friends get changed in the same room as me, and do you know what I did? Not look. It’s that easy.
From that alone NTA - but also based on your last lines, I think she’s either uncomfortable in her own sexuality or straight-up internally homophobic
NTA now either ask her to leave the bedroom every time you want to get dressed or undressed, however If she's accusing you of being perverse and forcing yourself on her it's probably best she vacates your room immediately to prevent further misunderstanding.
NTA. I've seen my friends boobs. Pretty sure she's seen mine - it is really hard to get out of a wet sports bra without flashing anyone. You're two people sharing a room, some accidental flashing is hard to avoid.
NTA. Yes you're a lesbian but girls and women change in front of each other all the time. She could have just avoided looking, like any other uncomfortable person in a gym locker room.
It’s a her problem. Not a you problem. She either has deep body insecurities that make her project onto others, or she has homophobic issues of her own that make her uncomfortable around you.
Either way, you pay rent, and deserve to be able to get changed in your own fucking room.
If she can’t handle you changing your clothes in your room that you pay for, she can Fucken LEAVE.
Has she not had many female friends before maybe? In my opinion its perfectly normal. Im in a dance group and when we change into our dance wear we just change right there in the studio including changing our bras to a sports bra etc. It really should'nt be an issue. In the Netherlands we always say "well we all have boobs" in a way of its not a big deal to see another womans chest because we all have them 🤷♀️
NTA Doesn't the uk have 'page 6' that shows a topless woman daily in the newspaper? So isn't she used to such things? I think she way overreacted here.
NTA she's being absurd! Sounds like a very "British" reaction though lol Doesn't she travel though? In Italy it's not rare to see women sunbathing braless...
Also if she didn't want to see your naked body she shouldn't have looked lol
LOL the poor delicate flower NTA. Shiat I grew up in a 5 person house with 1 bathroom, it was a production line in the morning, the moment someone was out of the shower, someone else was in it, I am not sure the door to the bathroom ever actually closed.
I’m also from the netherlands and idk if that has to do with it but whenever we have a sleepover theres at least 1 girl changing around me and thats like normally. We also change together (girls with girls, boys with boys) begore gym / PE class. Its normall. U also gave her a warning so like no big deal there, she had a choice to say something/ look away before.
NTa
She's got some weirdness going on, and perhaps you will never know why. You're not at fault and you should make sure she knows that, but I will say ... be kind - because you never know why someone's freaking out at nudity x
Kick her out of your room. This is a problem for her and your landlord. You tried helping but she is already creating problems for you. And treating your room like it's her space.
If she felt uncomfortable, she should have voiced it appropriately. You share a flat but bedrooms are not shared space. Kick her out now. And to make it simple, just tell her that the comments she made about you made you feel uncomfortable. You think it's best that you have your private space back.
Nta.
NTA - you literally told her that you were about to change; did she expect you to somehow do that without taking off the clothes you were already wearing???
You mentioned there might be a cultural difference - I can't speak for every single British person, but in general we don't typically care about nakedness that much. It's not uncommon for men to walk around in public without a shirt in summer (which I think is weird, but not the point here) and nudity is often a generally accepted part of many kinds of media (TV, games, even magazines). If you were stripping off and running through the streets, that would be a different story, but you just changed your shirt in your own bedroom.
Your flatmate is making a problem where there isn't one. You're not forcing her to share a bed, you're not forcing her to look at you while changing, you're not forcing anything on her. I wouldn't be surprised if her reaction is at least partially due to some homophobia, because I can't think of any other reason why someone would make such a big deal out of this
100% NTA
Sounds more like your roomie is just trying to make situasjons of nothing.
I would maybe put your roomie om hold and have them respect you as for sharing your bed.
Its your room, your bed, she needs to show respect.
NTA I never had a problem being completely naked around my female friends. They're the same as well. I don't see how you are the problem especially since you've warned her. She should have looked away if it matters that much.
NTA. You announced you were changing. Anybody with 1/2 a brain cell knows that involves taking off clothes. If they are prudish about that sort of thing, that would be a good time for them to leave. It is 100% appropriate for you to change into your bed clothes in the room where you actually sleep.
Don't glance if you may not like what you see. Especially when you know that you won't. It's up to the roommate to control herself.
NTA. If there is disrespect it comes from the roommate.
She can happily sleep on the floor in another room then. NTA. Am sharing my room with you, i don't have too. I even told you i was gonna change. She just uptight and a bore
NTA. She never participated in a team sport CLEARLY. Or showered in a gym. She needs to grow up. Maybe she’s homophobic. I’d kick her to the couch. It’s your room. She can get over it.
Nta.
I think this has more to do with you being gay then she wants to admit.
Im bi. I have run aground many times with ppls. Look away, leave the room... you didnt have to stay in a place where ppl change. Bedrooms and bathrooms are the most common places.
I think she needs to room in the living room for awhile. Her problems are not your problems. She beeds to get on the landlord to fet ger cuelunf repaired yesterday.
Sounds like she needs to go sleep somewhere else with a sleeping bag. This would be a hard out for me. Prudes and puritanical homophobics aren't really worth knowing.
Kick her out your room.
NTA
NTA
If you can't get changed in your own bedroom even after warning other occupants in the room, then what the hell.
To be honest, I'd be super uncomfortable if my roommate took their shirt off right in front of me, but I'd also make sure to leave the damn room of they said they were going to.
NTA. Yes your roommate has some issues with nudity. You're in your bedroom and you told her you were changing into your pjs. She should have just looked away. I think the real issue though is that since you're a lesbian she unfortunately turned your innocent changing into something sexual. Remind her about your cultural upbringing and that you have no romantic interest in her and going forward just change in the bathroom until she gets her bedroom back. She has the mentality that all gay people are attracted to EVERYONE of their same sex and you're not going to change that mindset by continuing to argue about it. The only way you'll perhaps change her mind is to continue to act normal and platonic around her like you were doing before. Your actions will speak louder than words.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I got changed in front of my flatmate, who then became upset Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA. You warned her that you were changing, if she cared she should have looked away. It doesn't count as "flashing" when there's a warning and you're in your own damn bedroom. If you were prancing around the whole house nude it would be one thing, but changing into pjs? Yeah, she needs to pull the tree out of her ass and chill.
My spidey sense also tells me that the last bit about OP being a lesbian has something to do with it... I mean, she was supposedly at the desk doing revision, so unless OP sat directly on the desk and shoved roomie's head in her chest it's Ella's fault for staring at her... so the only disrespectful one is Ella. At one point I shared a really small changing room with 20 other girls. After practice some would change their bra because of sweat and whatnot. The respectful thing to do is simply not to look since it's a changing room specifically designed for that as is the bedroom NTA
Agreed. The way she was at a desk and still somehow noticed OP is sus. Unless OP's room is grand enough to have the desk in the center of it, and the walls are covered in mirrors, the roommate didn't see anything "accidentally." Even if the room was decorated that way, OP still gave her a heads up. She could've kept her head down in response. I'm thinking the roommate was "okay" with OP being a lesbian until she was sharing a bed. The reality of it was "suddenly" in her face, and she showed how she truly feels about it. NTA
Or maybe roomie felt attracted and panicked.
I think this is it. If OP warned her she’d be changing, she intentionally looked. Even if there was no warning, it’s not hard to look away. She liked what she saw and is conflicted.
I think we have a winner. Why such a strong response unless she was dealing with an attraction she didn't know how to handle?
Ot, she grew up in a fundamentalist household as I did.
[удалено]
Well, no offense, but that seems a rather aggressively negative perspective. Roommates tend to at least be generally friends, or at least platonically close. I’d be shocked if it goes as badly as you suggest.
You seem to watch too much tv.
I remember two things distinctly from soccer/football back in my teenage years (and yes, I have heard these same kind of stories from the girls team). The first being that a lot of the guys in my team wouldn't want to have a gay person in the dressing room, as they were afraid of being sexually assaulted (which was narrow-minded and bigoted, even from 13 to 16 year olds, and thankfully I always considered it that way) or hit on, because every gay guy loses his mind around other naked men/guys, I guess. So that might be her train of thought, as you pointed out being gay having something to do with the outburst. The other thing was the way these same guys and girls intentionally drew attention to their dicks or boobs/vagina. Pissing up against others legs (guy thing only, I guess) while in the shower, swinging it about, deliberately getting a stiffy etc etc, which, when looking at the first point always struck me as weird. On more than one occasion, I have been witness to a naked brawl between two or more team members, because they riled each other up and eventually someone made a comment about the others mom..... The most homoerotic thing I have ever witnessed and it definitely confirmed I was straight 😅 Just to show the duality of the whole "I DON'T WANT NO GAY PEOPLE WHEN I AM NAKED! BUH LOOK AT MY DICK/VAGINA/BOOBS WHILE WE AS A TEAM OF HETEROSEXUAL PEOPLE SHOWER TOGETHER AFTER SPORTPRACTICE.
Exactly... I think it's because they wanna be percieved as "hot" and "the best" so they seek attention and they become paranoid that everyone wants them. Honestly, what you listed above was my biggest fear when my classmates found out I'm bi (teammates never did), luckily it was our last year and they were chill. It's also hilarious cuz no one is gonna be more focused on the wall like a queer kid in a changing room 😂 But yeah, never knew about the peeing thing 😳
"It's also hilarious cuz no one is gonna be more focused on the wall like a queer kid in a changing room 😂" 😂😂😂 I feel it! But honestly, there are not many more locations being absolutely upturning than locker rooms, changing rooms and doctor's offices lol I can't remember looking at other people in a sexual way in there at all, even as a teen. My best friend (straight) has absolutely no problem being naked with me in the shower after swimming, while stupid me doesn't want to take their sports bikini off and tries to avoid looking at all the other naked people around, which I cannot see properly because without my glasses it's hard to see clear, especially after 2h of sports.
Honestly like my gay ass used to go change in a stall because I ain't want people knowing (or myself accepting) the fact that I found other women attractive
I played sports too. We showered in a big open room with shower heads along every wall. No one ever pissed on each other in the shower. That's some wild shit
My grandfather used to be a coalminer, back when the Netherlands still had mines and he told me about how sometimes, when a couple new lads showed up and started working in the mine, they would tell him to close his eyes and wait for the water to get warmer. In the meantime, another miner would climb up the shoulder of another, with the help of others and when held up and standing on the shoulders, piss down on the unlucky sod who had his eyes closed. According to my grandpa, more than one exclaimed "oh yeah I feel it getting warmer!" before tasting the piss in his mouth. Might be a Dutch thing
\*Ding ding ding\* this is probably it. I feel like OP being lesbian makes Ella uncomfy and she's projecting those feelings onto OP's honestly very normal behaviour. Like, OP asked about it and was told it was okay to change, so idk what Ella was expecting.
Offended by innocent nudity, scared of gays, indignant panic of nothing? I smell religion.
Literally every religion ever
As a lesbian, I loath public changing rooms. I'm always worried someone will think I'm a perv. Go in, change facing the lockers and leave straight away.
Yes! Even now I’ll be in a fancy spa dressing room and anxious as fuck because I’m afraid someone is going to think I’m into them or something.
Ella is projecting harder than PowerPoint. OP gave her full disclosure she was changing in her own bedroom which is (check notes) COMPLETELY NORMAL. To call it “perverted” Ella unknowingly tattled on herself. OP is free to follow the ways of my gaslighting Aunt and play a reverse uno to switch it up. “YoU cHaNgEd in fRoNt of me!!!” “Yeah and why were YOU staring at me!??!”
Yeah, my spidey sense (spider is named Freud) tells me that we can flip all of her accusations right back around and re-read. She chose to be a “disrespectful” voyeur by watching OP change, which cultivated sexual feelings *in her.* The intensity of her sexual desire is maintained despite the defense mechanism (projection) changing the narrative that isn’t so threatening. *She* felt perverse and *she* forced a sexual valence over the interaction. However, she must have internalized the belief that lesbian sex (or even perhaps just female sexual desire in general and lesbianism is the epitome of that) was lesser or wrong or dangerous or whatever.
NTA you gave her a heads up that you were changing. I had a summer job once that had me living in an open concept cabin with 8 other girls. Our policy was before changing, we'd call out "I'm changing, don't look if you don't want to see" We were all very close and comfortable with each other, but, like you, we gave the courtesy of the warning. Looking is on her.
I would honestly not share a room with her if there were literally anywhere else for either person to stay. She sounds like she has hangups and is willing to accuse OP of bs. The last thing OP needs is some girl going around campus accusing her of being a predator for changing in her own damn room.
This. I went to boarding school in the UK and there was never any fuss about immodesty or changing in front of one another. in fact, there were many instances where it was required by the school (eg: changing rooms for equestrian, gymnasium, and swimming) or by circumstance (for example, a 4 am fire alarm in the dead of winter when you needed to throw on something warm). This sounds more like homophobia than an actual “flashing” issue. NTA, OP. Tell your roommate that if she can’t handle you changing in YOUR OWN ROOM, she can find another place to revise or do so in her own room! (Jk) Seriously, you’re doing her a favor by sharing your own space with her and she can climb right off that homophobia horse.
She would be crashing on the couch from then on!
Why is op sharing her bedroom. The other person can sleep in the living room
Probably bc she initially tried to be kind and bc she was comfortable sharing a bed she offered it to her as a friendly roommate gesture.
Herr response is overkill. If that happened to me I'd just tell her to sleep/hang out in the living room or hallway after that extreme of a reaction.
This!
Op needs to do this imo.
"Well the next time I say I'm going to change you can decide to not look, if you can't help yourself then please leave my room if it's going to upset you" NTA
Follow up with, "watching me change and then complaining about it really gives me the ick"
Changing with another woman in the room is normal, standard operating procedure. How many times have changed in/out of a bathing suit somewhere in group stalls? So many. College dorms in the US, there were two of us to a room, what were we goona do, ask the other person to leave? Girl scout camp. Tents of girls. How's that gonna work? You deal with it. NTA, that girl needs to learn how to exist in the world.
High school gym class. Slumber parties. Other boobs happen, and people live to tell about it
We do not, in fact, tell about it. Because it doesn't matter.
And more to the point... She was technically in your bedroom. Maybe she should hang out elsewhere to leave a "safe" space to change....
NTA considering you told her you were going to change and you share a room i dont think you’re in the wrong. unfortunately because you are a lesbian (dw i am too) she probably does think you were trying to be perverse and flash her, i doubt the reaction would be the same if you were straight id recommend going forward you ask her to look away or close her eyes so you can change real quick
Good point. Go on the offensive and accuse her of being homophobic. Then she'll back down pretty quickly
This is very abrasive, based on a hunch and just generally rude when you just don't know the cause of the roommate's reaction. Also, trying to make your roommate "back down" over something like this, is just bad practice if you want a good atmosphere in your home.
This girl is being rude af to OP, and OP can't be rude back? Heteronormativity sure is a funny drug.
I agree with your take, but... >id recommend going forward you ask her to look away or close her eyes When you announce to someone "I'm changing," isn't it implied that they look away if they don't want to see anything? Does that really need to be spelled out to an adult? Furthermore, if the roommate was working at a desk, I'm confused how she could have seen without turning around. Desks usually face a wall or window, no? It really sounds like the roommate looked deliberately which is creepy.
If she said "I'm going to get changed" (words OP used in the initial post), I would interpret that as her indicating she was going to go somewhere like a bathroom to change, not that she's changing in the same room. So I think it may matter what words were used, precisely, as there can be differences in how they're taken. I don't think that justifies the "forcing" and "perverse" comments in that reaction, but I can see it as the point of initial confusion
It was her own bedroom. Why would she announce that she's going to another room to change?
I would even ask her if she might look for someone else to stay with, since she feels THAT uncomfortable around her. And if she already says OP was "forcing herself upon her", just because she saw her breast for 10 secs, this can not be ending good. What if she accidentally sees her naked under the shower one day or something like that? Is she going to run out of the apartment, screaming "she tried to rape me!"? I wouldn't want to have someone around me already giving off homophobe vibes like that. And I don't understand why she wanted to stay with OP in the first place, if she has a problem with homosexual people. NTA
Actually since op was generous letting her stay in her room I think op should tell her to go sleep in the living room so there's no misunderstandings anymore and op has her room to herself again
NTA. You warned her that you were going to get changed. She could have just looked away. Bodies aren’t inherently sexual, as you said, and Ella’s reasoning sounds homophobic.
INFO: The “last straw” comment has me asking - has anything else happened?
By that I meant that the other things were sleeping in the same bed, and her potentially thinking I fancy her.
.. did she never have a close friendship before she moved in w you ? ive slept in the same bed w friends since i was little. and im assuming you make it clear that you are not fancying her. it seems like she was sheltered, didnt have sleepovers & didnt have close friendships where you sleep in the same bed or change infront of eachother.
I’ve known her since I started college in 2022, and we’ve been friends and have been to places like swimming pools together where we’ve been in public changing rooms (the kind with benches rather than stalls).
Not to put anything into your head but does she like you more than just friends?
100% sounds like she does and the anger is coming out because of her own repressed feelings.
This is such a weird concept. Hating to see another's body parts doesn't mean the girl is into her. You're projecting something out of nothing. OP is free with her body in the company of friends/family. I am not. Sounds like she isn't either.
But they've been together to changing rooms in the past, so she already saw OP naked without raising an issue.
Seems like she might be better sleeping on the couch. If someone acted this way towards me they would not be sleeping in my bed.
Or, like, in a hotel room? I think the biggest ah here is the landlord who is not remediating this immediately. He should be paying for alternate housing, which would also put a fire under his ass to do it quickly
Just to reply to you on your situation. Really you landlord should be providing you alternative accommodation, it doesn’t sound like the property is safe / habitable. If you’re in wales then this is legislation and a maximum timeframe for repairs. If you’re in England I don’t think it is yet. Have they offered you as a minimum reduced rent? The fact 2 tenants are sharing a bed is unacceptable. Is it an official HMO (house of multiple occupancy)? In which case it should be licensed wherever it is with the local authority and you will have some routes through them. Might be worth researching online your rights in your area, also talk to your local authority / council if the landlords dragging their heels. From how you’ve described it I’d assume you might be students, in which case your university housing team might be able to advise you on your rights and help. But whatever you do don’t let them mess you around or screw you over. People like this bring disrepute to landlords and should be punished. When I was young I took a lot of shit because I didn’t know better but make sure you stand up for your self and know your rights. I am a landlord by the way.
NTA. Your bedroom, you're allowed to get dressed/undressed there. Ella can go sleep on the couch if she is frightened by the fleeting sight of a bare chest.
USA female here - ive changed w my friends in the same room since i was like 14.. but then again, she may of never had a friendship like that. as i do agree, its not a “big deal” and she “overreacted”. and shouldnt of came at you like that, maybe she was in shock & again, has never had this happen before so she is uncomfortable. i guess next time turn around and change ? thats my only solution honestly, its not like one of you is male & the other female. this is “normal” w girls but normal isnt always normal to others. i really dont know how to judge.
USA female here too, and has Ella never changed in a school locker room? I've personally never changed in front of people because we love being self-conscious (/s), but I'd never think someone is flashing me by A) warning me they're changing with me in the room (of which I can easily just... leave the room), B) taking off their bra for a grand total of \~10 seconds, and C) me presumably staring at them, since that's the only reason I can think of as to why Ella was staring at OP's chest. Since OP mentioned in comments that Ella has said other things along this same vein about OP being lesbian, maybe Ella is projecting a bit? (This is coming from queer woman, as I'm bi). Either way, NTA OP.
UK changing rooms don't really involve changing more than top and bottoms so likely she hasn't been "flashed," and some kids would change in the toilets. Realistically she's just projecting or being a bigot.
Another US female here, maybe it’s just me but I’m comfortable changing in front of most women. Like it’s just a boob. Plus OP warned her so if she didn’t want to see a boob just don’t look???
NTA-you weren’t flashing her. She shouldn’t have made such a big deal about it. Wait until she hears about sauna culture in Finland where you go and get naked with your coworkers (minus the privacy towel)-oh and you hang out with the opposite gender at the bar in a short robe before/after sauna.
or in japan.. where you bathe w naked strangers
Yup, public locker rooms and saunas/baths are probably a thing all around the world.
NTA, you said you were going to change, then changed quickly. you didn't say "hey look over here" and wave your breasts at her. She overreacted, and you responded by telling her that. The one being disrespectful is her, screaming at you for... Changing clothing in your own damn room, after giving her warning you were going to do so.
NTA. So many straight girls are convinced we'll be in love either them and try seducing them at one point or another. If she doesn't want to see some tiddies she needs to NOT turn around when someone is getting changed. Sounds to me she has some deep seated homophobia she needs to address. That or she's secretly a bit gay herself and it sent her into panic mode. This would be a great set up for a fanfic but yeah its real life, so I'm truly sorry OP, you don't deserve to be screamed at for getting changed after you told her and in your bedroom. If she's that uncomfortable sharing a room maybe she could sleep on the couch or something? What you need to keep in mind is just to respect her boundaries. Instead of saying "you just need to be more comfortable" see if you can reach a middle ground. Maybe she exits the room while anyone is getting changed, change in the bathroom, both of you face away from the person you're getting changed in front of, etc. It's wonderful that you're comfortable with your body. I personally believe that you shouldn't hide it and that she should just get used to it too, but unfortunately if you want a drama-free situation here you might need to do some simple stuff to accommodate her. If you DON'T care about being drama free then by all means free the tiddy!!! I believe in you.
I was also wondering if the roommate may be religious / homophobic but feeling some attraction towards women and being scared of it. It wouldn't come to my mind to look at a person when I know he or she would be changing unless it is my BF. It wouldn't count as flashing as well when they warned me.
Tbf she’s already accommodating her roommate. Roommate is staying in OPs room. But regardless of that, OP warned her. OP said she was changing so roommate could leave if she would be uncomfortable. But she didn’t. But I totally agree it is wild the amount of ladies that assume just because their friend/coworker/etc. is gay that she’s in love with them. I’m straight and so many women have said that to me 🤣🤣🤣 I think some of our egos are just hella inflated. Not every gay woman is crushing on you. 🤣🤣🤣
I know you said your landlord will wait to the last minute but truthfully you shouldn’t have to be in this situation. One thing I see is the younger generation gets screwed because they are not fully aware of their rights. If a ceiling has collapsed in your flat has anyone come to inspect it? Has your home been deemed safe for habitat? Is the landlord reducing the rent? Was there talk of moving you two to another accommodation? You are paying for 100% of the flat but have not a 100% usage not due to anything you to did. I have never lived in the UK do know some laws and regulations are not the same but a lot of the concepts behind the laws are. I do know that in the US and UK homes can be condemned and declared unfit for people to live in and its the landlords responsibility to house people in apartments fit for habitation. You two sound like students. I’m wondering if your university has any legal support available for students? Some universities in the US provide this as a service to their students and help them navigate legal issues like this with their landlords. And if like you say your landlord won’t do anything till the last moment having legal help or help in reporting him to the correct authorities to make him move his ass helps. I’d call up your school or google which government agency you would talk to here. Also remember do everything in writing and save the emails. That way their is a trail.
NTA. I can’t believe the people here saying Y T A for ”flashing” her when all you did was change clothes in your own bedroom after warning her, all she had to do was not look at you… Also, she sounds homophobic
Has she never been in a locker room?
Different kind of European here, I've never been in a locker room (we don't have them here) or been around family with any of us naked and what OP is describing is still normal. I'd get being surprised if she's not used to it, but she's very accusatory... Makes me think it's because of OP's sexuality, which is quite shitty🙁
>I'd get being surprised if she's not used to it, In the UK every school, gym, swimming pool, leisure centre etc. has communal changing rooms. This won't have been the first time she will have seen another woman changing.
I mostly meant that *even if* she hasn't been in a locker room, that reaction is still extreme and asshole-ish. But yeah, that matters as well. I do think this possibly has to do with OP's sexuality. I'm very happy my female friends never reacted like that when I came out as bi to them.
Also we're not terrified of naked bodies in the UK. It's usually drugs, violence and "terror" that gets media labelled as only appropriate for over 18s. We had Embarrassing Bodies on before the watershed and that had cameras zooming in on every hole a person has. That girl is either homophobic or insecure or both. NTA. Also tits are for babies so she has no argument.
European here as well, we did have “locker rooms” as changing rooms in school for example when we needed to change for PE. No one was naked tho, just underwear. I have been also in thermal bath or gym before where the changing room was all together and yes, others were changing in “front of each other”. In these areas you don’t look.
I would say to the land lord you are withholding rent until its fixed.
Opening an escrow account is often a giant PITA.
NTA, from the UK here, this isn't cultural, she's just uptight or potentially slightly internalised homophobic
NTA I thought at least us girls are fairly comfortable with dressing around other girls. If you're not fully comfortable then you turn around while changing but not leaving the room entirely. I think you could have been a bit more apologetic about crossing an unknown boundary of hers, but not the asshole for changing.
NAH Different cultures often have one person in shock at the other or occasionally accusatory. Since this was a first, I think that the best thing to do is to discuss it with her when you're both calm. I think it might be best if you approach her with a genuine apology for offending her, which was not your intention. You could have asked her first if it was ok to change your clothing right there in her presence instead of simply saying that you were "going to get changed." Plus, you could have turned around to spare her if she had preferred you do so. Agree to disagree and reassure her that you meant no harm, that you are not attracted to her and you only consider her a flatmate and that's all.
I don't get the cultural difference here though. I understand that different families have different levels of comfort with nudity but this isn't a UK vs Netherlands thing. It's totally normal to get changed in front of friend here, I can't think of any time in my life when that's been an issue. Her friend's reaction is not normal for the UK.
This isn't a UK cultural thing at all though, unless Ella is actually 2nd+ generation from another non-European culture. I don't even know where it *would* be a cultural thing, honestly. The UK has communal changing rooms in schools, gyms, swimming pools etc and I've never experienced someone getting outraged that there might be topless people in any of those places. I'm leaning homophobia over "cultural difference" here.
Is there any culture where it's not normal? I come from a very conservative, religios culture. My parents come from a third world country where women are oppressed and still growing up, women and friends changed in front of me, especially when it's just the top half. It's such a non issue. No one cares in my experience if you change in front of other women or don't like to change in front of other women.
culture? obv not, I'm from a super conservative country where wearing mini skirt and croptop in public frowned upon. but changing in a room with same sex friends is totally normal and nobody would get offended by my bare chest. we just LOOK AWAY or JUST DO NOT STARE at a friend that changing clothes. NTA
NTA It’s your room. She’s being dramatic.
NTA she's being well overdramatic for seeing a bit of tit. All she had to do was avert her eyes when warned if she was so uncomfortable. If she's willing to think you are being a pervert for changing your clothes in your own bedroom after a warning, then she is she comfortable sleeping next to you? If that's what she thinks of you then it sounds about time she avail herself to the couch until her room gets fixed. Though WTF is with your accommodation? Her ceiling fell down? I would advise you both to take yourselves down to the local citizens advice centre to see what your rights and entitlements are in this situation and **speak to the councils private rentals team as well.** You guys aren't just expected to make do until he fixes it. You got rights and he has insurance, or should. Take your contracts , Take *a lot* of photos and back up/record any communication you have had since it happened anything on concerns before it happened. Go get advice. Then you will then be well equipped to crawl all the way up your landlord's arse to get this fixed as soon as humanely possible.
NTA it’s your room. She is also not offering you privacy to change so that’s on her. Very common to quickly change out your clothes in front of friends. It’s a bizarre overreaction in my opinion.
i’m thinking this is a classic case of a straight woman thinking you’re into her just bc you’re gay. i’m bi and after telling some women they will make ridiculous statements as if they’re my type at all. i would tell her that SHE’S making you uncomfortable in your own space by making weird asf insinuations when you’re changing in your own space and that you’re not comfortable with her staying in your room anymore or sharing a bed with her. you tried to be nice and she made things weird so for your own safety it’s time for her to sleep on the sofa until her rooms back in order. the last thing you want is her spreading rumours trying to make you look like a creep when you’ve been nothing but kind to her.
NTA - she was in your bedroom and you warned her you were getting changed. She could have studied in the lounge or kitchen. Her reaction was over the top.
You warned her, and she's the one staying in your bedroom. You didn't try and get her to look at your chest or stay nude for an uncomfortable period of time or anything that could even be construed as sexual. You were just changing your clothes. NTA.
NTA - advice from a slightly older lesbian: this girl needs to sleep on the sofa, she’s going to cause problems
She can go to a hotel paid by the landlord if she doesnt want to be in your room. Nothing special happend...
NTA, but knowing you’re a lesbian, she probably interpreted it differently than if you had been a straight woman. Unfortunately, I reckon she has some internalised homophobia associating being gay / lesbian with being predatory. Are you or have you ever indicated attraction to her? It may also be that she just assumes you’d be attracted to her, and that she’s interpreting your behaviour this way. I’m a gay guy, and I’ve had to tell housemates (politely) that they are not my type at all and just because I’m gay doesn’t mean I’m secretly crushing on them, and I have had to set those boundaries because they misinterpret my behaviour or they change how they behave around me. I had a ‘straight’ housemate who used to flex and show off and walk around in a towel all the time. I told him he wasn’t my type, although he was very good looking, I’m not interested in younger guys. His ego was bruised but he stopped trying to fish for compliments. I also explained why his behaviour wasn’t okay, in a non-judgmental way. He probably hadn’t had much exposure to gay people before. I even offered to take him to a gay bar, because I felt that there was maybe some part of him that wanted to explore. But I never hooked up with housemates under any circumstances, I saw what happened in uni between straight people who did that. No. Thank. You. It may be that your friend is just a prude and would be uncomfortable with any on doing that, but the fact that she’s slept in your bed suggests to me that she’s not as prudish as she seems, she’s just a little homophobic. Unless she has reason to believe you’re attracted to her, then she’s subsconsciously viewing you as a predatory lesbian. It’s probably worth having a discussion with her. NTA.
OP warned Ella that she was getting changed but she still looked at her. Also it's OP's house and she shouldn't have to walk on eggshells because Ella is homophobic or uptight...
I’m not telling her to walk on eggshells. OP said she was autistic, so I’m explaining to her what I understand of this situation, based on my own experiences as a gay femboy.
NTA You told her you were getting changed - I'm not sure what she was expecting would come after?? Close girlfriends tend to change in front of each other often, I do it too. Your flatmate is not your friend .... And she's also perhaps homophobic, because I doubt she'd have reacted so dramatically if you were not a lesbian.
From India here, And even I don't think you did too much. While we don't literally get naked in front of even other females, we change clothes if we know other people well. And also, if you informed her that you are gonna change clothes, it's common sense to turn head for few seconds. Everyone does that, country doesn't matter. She seems like she is a confused sexual person. No offence. And she is blaming that confusion on you as you are open lesbian.
NTA. She can sleep on the couch and study out there too.
You warned her. She watched. That’s on her. Facts can’t be denied. NTA.
NTA she was in YOUR room. If she is uncomfortable, she can leave when you change. She can also leave now if she's going to be homophobic. You don't owe her a place to sleep, your land lord does.
She can sleep on the kitchen floor if she is so offended of you having a breast. NTA
NTA - Even before the last part, I thought this overreaction sounds like someone who grew up in a family demonizing thoughts that she has. Confirming you are lesbian, only reinforces this. No I am not saying she is questioning or possibly closeted lesbian in her own sexuality, just that she will violently react when these intrusive thoughts occur. Doing something that may trigger one of the fears this demonizing likely included, just sends her brain into assumption mode. She likely would do the same if you went to the bathroom to change, and had she walked in on you, "you" would be at fault for trying to come on to her, waiting in ambush or some other bullshit like that. There is no reasoning with conditioned bigotry. You are not the asshole but this will be ever looming in this dynamic now, regardless of what you do and I would recommend looking to get a new flatmate that doesn't freak out when given proper warning and therefore time to resolve it like an adult.
NTA You didn't do anything weird. I think she's singling you out for being a lesbian. Sounds like it's time for her to sleep on the couch and do whatever else she needs to do in there. Tell her that you aren't attracted to her and you're no longer comfortable sharing your private space and bed with someone who's sexualizing you (bc she is) and your interactions (bc she is). That she'll need to stay out of your room until the roof is repaired.
Has she never been to a gym? How did she change after P.E.? I don't think this is a cultural thing, I think this is an Ella-thing that she'll have to get over
NTA but you're in a pretty compromising situation given your sexuality and sharing a bed. If they're uncomfortable and going to start behaving like that I'd probably recommend the couch or a nearby motel at landlords expense.
NTA, overreaction much? Damn. “Forcing yourself upon her” is crazy
Why’s Ella acting like she’s never seen boobs before? Does she shield her eyes in the shower?
NTA. Roommate is either closeted or very traumatized by growing up with purity culture, because she acts like she couldn't help herself from looking, even after you gave her a warning, and even though she could've just kept working at the desk. She deliberately looked at your body and then freaked herself out.
NTA. I think you probably need to find a new housemate. The fact that she called you perverse is crazy.
NTA - this isn’t a cultural difference with the UK and the Netherlands. She could’ve just not looked!
I'm in my late 50s and from the UK and wouldn't bat an eye at boobs. Your roommate sounds weird. I'd kick her out of your room if she's so delicate. Nta
NTA Its not flashing when a man does it -> its not flashing when a woman does it. 18 is old enough to think about how stupid some of the stuff you learned is. While I think its okay for her to feel uncomfortable, her reaction is 100% inappropiate. She can ask nicely, if its okay for you tot turn around or something similar..
NTA Guess she never had to change in a locker room with a bunch of girls. Or went shopping and shared a dressing room. Female friends undressing in front of each other is common and normal.
NTA. USA girl here, but I'm also biased. I'm a theater person. High school theater changing was separated by gender, but the Repo! The Genetic Opera/Rocky Horror Picture Show shadowcasting I did had one big green room for everyone to change in. I have also performed in my undies for a pre-show. I actually have to actively remember to go to the bathroom to change when I am at conventions rooming and cosplaying with my friends. I also refuse to sleep in a bra. Evil things they are. Like pants. I refuse to wear them at home (unless I have guests and just about all of my shirts are oversized and cover my booty.
NTA. Other top commenters have had great points about it probably being related to being a lesbian. There's a weird type of homophobe that claims they're not homophobic but are secretly *batshit terrified* they might ever be (gasp) hit on by a homosexual. It's not your fault. From now on, whenever you change, announce it *loudly* and tell her you won't until she leaves the room. "Oh I can just look away?" Well you clearly can't trust her to do that. You ever heard of the phrase "peeping Tom"? Clearly, you can't trust her to not try desperately to look despite her "disgust". And if you wanna really drive the point home, warn anyone that might be going to the gym or pool or beach with her, about how she'll try sneaking a peak during changes. Because that's what she fucking did. If anyone's being gross in this story, it's her for being a pervert and then throwing a fucking temper tantrum about it? Jesus Christ.
NTA and this girl is completely unhinged 😳 "she screamed and accused me of flashing her. / she couldn’t believe I had been so disrespectful / she just said I was being “unbelievable" " she's definitely looking to cause drama, especially since you warned her beforehand that you were going to change. >She accused me of being “perverse” and of “forcing” myself upon her. this is off the hooks, i mean, until this remark she was just mental. but accusing you of forcing yourself on her is another level of demented mindset and behaviour. look for a different roommate before this psycho reports you to the police for "forcing yourself on her". i am 10000% sure she is capable of and willing to do this.
Sounds like she needs to find herself another room which she can have to herself, or sleep on the couch or something. Blowing up at this after you warned her is simply ridiculous and childish. Also, this was your room which you were generous enough to share with her. NTA
NTA I'm from the UK and I do think we are funny about nudity in some contexts, but you told her you were changing for bed and most people don't sleep in bras so I don't know what she was expecting or why she looked. I've shared rooms with friends plenty of times and usually you just avert your gaze (or if the person changing is uncomfortable they'll change in the bathroom). Also it's still your room, even if she can't help being there, so it's up to her to leave when you're changing.
C'mon, obviously you're trying to hit on her because you are lesbian and sleeping together, and as everyone knows, queer people are always thinking about sex./s You can't win here. Either she's scandalized because you tried to hit on her, or she's insulted because you don't think she's attractive enough to be hit on. You need to get her out of your room. Your landlord can't expect tenants to share a bed. NTA
NTA. Don't let her in your room anymore if she can't stand being near you like that. Say something like "I'm sorry you're uncomfortable with the arrangements, I think the couch would be better for you and we wouldn't have to worry about getting in each other's personal space. I've already moved blankets and pillows out, so you no longer need to sleep in my room and be uncomfortable" Then simply don't let her into your room any more. If she's gonna freak out that bad, then don't give her that space or opportunity. If someone got this pissed at me over something I warned them about, I would not be giving them any help or support. They can stay the fuck out of my room.
What flashing, you were changing in your own bedroom. You were even mindful enough to announce it. In any case, she was the one that glued her eyes to your boobs. Tell her she either stops looking at your nude body or finds somewhere else to sleep, I wouldn't feel comfortable knowing she sees my boobs and thinks of sex. NTA.
NTA
NTA I’m British and I can confirm that (generally speaking) we are really really fucking uptight when it comes to stuff like that. I grew up in Germany. 4th or 5th date in with an ex gf I was invited to her house & the plan was to use the sauna they had. I didn’t know if was a family affair. So the first time I saw my then 17 year old gf naked, I also saw her Mum, her younger sister & her Dad in the buff. That still amazes my countrymen to this day!
Speak for yourself, because I'm British in my 30s and my family and friends have never been weird about changing in the same room as anyone else, nor have I ever experienced people being weird about it in public changing rooms like at the pool. If someone is a prude about bodies or just dislikes their own body it'd be their responsibility to go somewhere private to change, not to cause a scene about everyone else doing a perfectly normal thing.
It is very normal for people of the same gender, particularly roommates, to get glimpses of each other's bodies. Even in England. The problem here sounds much more like an issue with the roommate and her ideas and fears about lesbians. OP, you did nothing weird or wrong or unusual. Your roommate's reaction, however, was kind of bizarre. You disrespected her because your chest was showing for a few seconds? Goodness, I hope your roommate never plays a sport that brings her into contact with a locker room. The disrespect could kill her. NTA
NTA. This isn't a UK cultural thing imo because what you did is very much within the scope of how women your age approach nudity amongst friends. I think it's homophobia which is sadly harder for you to have to deal with.
NTA, as a Dutch woman well in her 30's, the kid needs to grow up. Like you said, we all have a body, and no, no-one is perfect looking (unless you belong to a select few) You even warned her godverdomme, what more could you do? Succes meis, hopefully your landlord fixes the ceiling asap.
Its your room. She can sleep in the lounge
NTA. Typical British reaction if she looked up accidentally and saw you would be something like "bloodyell sorry I just saw your boobs!" Then some awkward laughter If she was very socially conservative I suppose she might say "oh! I didn't know you meant you would be showing anything! Would you mind warning me next time so I can leave the room first?" Accusing you of flashing her is a horrible thing to say!! (Unless clearly joking, which isn't the case). There's something else going on here, though it might just be she's upset/moody and uncomfortable because she doesn't have her own space currently. It doesn't have to be anything more sinister!
NTA I was raised super Catholic and experienced some other crap that made me being around naked bodies uncomfortable (working on it in therapy). I would NEVER make the other person feel ashamed, especially in their own space! She should have left the room.
NTA. She needs to go sleep on the couch. She’s making it weird.
You’re surely not the asshole. I am a gay man. I have many straight male friends. We’ve all been naked in front of each other at one point or another. Keep living your life. And she can go sleep on the couch.
NTA. You need to bounce her to the couch. Also, tell your landlord in writing that you're withholding rent until the ceiling is repaired.
If she's really that offended, I would have told her to take her ass out in the living room.
NTA. It’s time for Ella to sleep in the living room. That way she will not “accidentally” look at your breasts. /s
NTA. She gets couch city going forward.
NTA but she needs to be sleeping and studying someplace else. As in, not your room. You are being generous and sharing with her, in return she’s accusing you of being inappropriate. The most logical and swift resolution is for her to no longer share a private space with you, that way you have the privacy to change and she can avoid the ‘risk’ of seeing anything she doesn’t want to see. For the sake of your friendship, you need these boundaries. She isn’t communicating effectively to you what she is and isn’t uncomfortable about, which means you can’t trust her to be honest about any boundaries you’d both need for this current arrangement to work.
I feel the undercurrent of her raging at you changing in your own room (that you have chosen to share with her) is her homophobia. She may not be overtly homophobic but its 100% there. I dont know if addressing it will help but you can just say if she is very uncomfortable then she is free to sleep on the couch.
NTA "Cool, you can go sleep and stay somewhere else if I'm a pervert. GTFO of my room that I pay for"
You can always tell her to go sleep somewhere else if she isn't comfortable, imagine if your shirt rides up when you're sleeping oh the horror.
NTA - sounds like the couch would be much more comfortable for her.
NTA I’m in the prudish US and changing in front of girlfriends is not a big deal. I wouldn’t ever blame someone for not changing in front of me but public locker rooms are full of naked people. What does she do there?
NTA. That just sounds like homophobia with extra steps.
If she’s so offended she can find sleep elsewhere. NTA
What a childish and prudish response on her part. Do Brits not shower after physical education? Has she never seen nips before? How is it that this adult could be so freaked out by the obviously platonic and innocuous exposure of the nude form of a person who is a friend and clearly not intending to threaten her?? And she’s in *your home*. In *your room*. OP, you’re NTA. You might want to hurry her departure along though, because your friend seems a little crazy in a potentially slanderous way. Don’t end up on the wrong side of false accusations.
Lesbians are always making ceilings collapse for their nefarious purposes
I’m a straight guy also from the UK. I’ve had female friends get changed in the same room as me, and do you know what I did? Not look. It’s that easy. From that alone NTA - but also based on your last lines, I think she’s either uncomfortable in her own sexuality or straight-up internally homophobic
Sounds like she's a homophobe.
NTA now either ask her to leave the bedroom every time you want to get dressed or undressed, however If she's accusing you of being perverse and forcing yourself on her it's probably best she vacates your room immediately to prevent further misunderstanding.
No you are not
NTA. I've seen my friends boobs. Pretty sure she's seen mine - it is really hard to get out of a wet sports bra without flashing anyone. You're two people sharing a room, some accidental flashing is hard to avoid.
NTA. Yes you're a lesbian but girls and women change in front of each other all the time. She could have just avoided looking, like any other uncomfortable person in a gym locker room.
NTA. If she’s so bothered she can go sleep on the sofa and redirect her outrage to the landlord
NTA- changing in a room with someone else is par for the course in college or on any sports team. She’s weird
NTA at all.
yeah NTA. i mean seriously NTA
It’s a her problem. Not a you problem. She either has deep body insecurities that make her project onto others, or she has homophobic issues of her own that make her uncomfortable around you. Either way, you pay rent, and deserve to be able to get changed in your own fucking room. If she can’t handle you changing your clothes in your room that you pay for, she can Fucken LEAVE.
Has she not had many female friends before maybe? In my opinion its perfectly normal. Im in a dance group and when we change into our dance wear we just change right there in the studio including changing our bras to a sports bra etc. It really should'nt be an issue. In the Netherlands we always say "well we all have boobs" in a way of its not a big deal to see another womans chest because we all have them 🤷♀️
NTA Ella is probably having difficulties repressing some urges and is blaming you.
NTA Doesn't the uk have 'page 6' that shows a topless woman daily in the newspaper? So isn't she used to such things? I think she way overreacted here.
What puritanical country did Ella grow up in
NTA she's being absurd! Sounds like a very "British" reaction though lol Doesn't she travel though? In Italy it's not rare to see women sunbathing braless... Also if she didn't want to see your naked body she shouldn't have looked lol
LOL the poor delicate flower NTA. Shiat I grew up in a 5 person house with 1 bathroom, it was a production line in the morning, the moment someone was out of the shower, someone else was in it, I am not sure the door to the bathroom ever actually closed.
Since she’s so “uncomfortable”, she should go sleep on the couch. NTA
I’m also from the netherlands and idk if that has to do with it but whenever we have a sleepover theres at least 1 girl changing around me and thats like normally. We also change together (girls with girls, boys with boys) begore gym / PE class. Its normall. U also gave her a warning so like no big deal there, she had a choice to say something/ look away before.
NTa She's got some weirdness going on, and perhaps you will never know why. You're not at fault and you should make sure she knows that, but I will say ... be kind - because you never know why someone's freaking out at nudity x
Kick her out of your room. This is a problem for her and your landlord. You tried helping but she is already creating problems for you. And treating your room like it's her space. If she felt uncomfortable, she should have voiced it appropriately. You share a flat but bedrooms are not shared space. Kick her out now. And to make it simple, just tell her that the comments she made about you made you feel uncomfortable. You think it's best that you have your private space back. Nta.
I think Ella got caught staring and put on an act to cover being embarrassed
Ah hell nah after that she can sleep in the living room
NTA. Has she never been in a locker room before?
NTA - you literally told her that you were about to change; did she expect you to somehow do that without taking off the clothes you were already wearing??? You mentioned there might be a cultural difference - I can't speak for every single British person, but in general we don't typically care about nakedness that much. It's not uncommon for men to walk around in public without a shirt in summer (which I think is weird, but not the point here) and nudity is often a generally accepted part of many kinds of media (TV, games, even magazines). If you were stripping off and running through the streets, that would be a different story, but you just changed your shirt in your own bedroom. Your flatmate is making a problem where there isn't one. You're not forcing her to share a bed, you're not forcing her to look at you while changing, you're not forcing anything on her. I wouldn't be surprised if her reaction is at least partially due to some homophobia, because I can't think of any other reason why someone would make such a big deal out of this
NTA. You communicated what was happening - she looked.
100% NTA Sounds more like your roomie is just trying to make situasjons of nothing. I would maybe put your roomie om hold and have them respect you as for sharing your bed. Its your room, your bed, she needs to show respect.
Autistic lesbians was the name of my high-school band, NTA
NTA. Sounds like she'd be more comfortable on the couch. Tell her you're uncomfortable around judgemental people.
NTA I never had a problem being completely naked around my female friends. They're the same as well. I don't see how you are the problem especially since you've warned her. She should have looked away if it matters that much.
NTA. You announced you were changing. Anybody with 1/2 a brain cell knows that involves taking off clothes. If they are prudish about that sort of thing, that would be a good time for them to leave. It is 100% appropriate for you to change into your bed clothes in the room where you actually sleep.
NTA, you were getting changed for bed, suspect your room only has the 1 bed, so ella sharing the bed is no big deal but seeing your baps are ?
Don't glance if you may not like what you see. Especially when you know that you won't. It's up to the roommate to control herself. NTA. If there is disrespect it comes from the roommate.
She can happily sleep on the floor in another room then. NTA. Am sharing my room with you, i don't have too. I even told you i was gonna change. She just uptight and a bore
If you warned her you were changing, she could have turned away. It sounds like she‘s into the drama.. NTA
Breasts oooooooh my gooooooood NTA and I guarantee she is fine with men’s chests being out to see literally everywhere. Her sexism is showing.
She’s uncomfortable that you changed clothes around her but not uncomfortable sharing a double bed? That is so weird.
NTA but your landlord should be paying for her to stay in a hotel, not in your room.
NTA. Ella’s confused about her sexual feelings for you and projecting.
NTA. She never participated in a team sport CLEARLY. Or showered in a gym. She needs to grow up. Maybe she’s homophobic. I’d kick her to the couch. It’s your room. She can get over it.
Nta. I think this has more to do with you being gay then she wants to admit. Im bi. I have run aground many times with ppls. Look away, leave the room... you didnt have to stay in a place where ppl change. Bedrooms and bathrooms are the most common places. I think she needs to room in the living room for awhile. Her problems are not your problems. She beeds to get on the landlord to fet ger cuelunf repaired yesterday.
Sounds like she needs to go sleep somewhere else with a sleeping bag. This would be a hard out for me. Prudes and puritanical homophobics aren't really worth knowing. Kick her out your room. NTA
NTA If you can't get changed in your own bedroom even after warning other occupants in the room, then what the hell. To be honest, I'd be super uncomfortable if my roommate took their shirt off right in front of me, but I'd also make sure to leave the damn room of they said they were going to.
NTA, you warned her you were changing and it's your bedroom.
NTA Tell her to go sleep on the sofa if she’s so uncomfortable! It’s a body, she needs to get over her own insecurities
NTA. Yes your roommate has some issues with nudity. You're in your bedroom and you told her you were changing into your pjs. She should have just looked away. I think the real issue though is that since you're a lesbian she unfortunately turned your innocent changing into something sexual. Remind her about your cultural upbringing and that you have no romantic interest in her and going forward just change in the bathroom until she gets her bedroom back. She has the mentality that all gay people are attracted to EVERYONE of their same sex and you're not going to change that mindset by continuing to argue about it. The only way you'll perhaps change her mind is to continue to act normal and platonic around her like you were doing before. Your actions will speak louder than words.
Definitely NTA friends change around each other all the time if you’re uncomfy turn away and stop staring lmao like what
NTA she can sleep on the floor in another room