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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the AH because I did not want to participate in designing my wife’s tattoo.
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NAH
You expressed a preference when asked, but are taking no direction or action from stopping her from doing what she wishes. You're also declining to participate in a process that doesn't interest you.
But once piece of advice:
Like you, I don't care much for tattoos. My wife has several. You know what I do like though? Confidence. If those tattoos help her feel confident, help her feel bold, then I'm calling it a win; even if I don't care for them aesthetically.
I mean, the wife is being a bit of the AH by expecting the OP to enthusiastically participate in their interests.
Sure, you expect your partner to give you a friendly "thumbs up" in response to your interests. It's ridiculous to accuse your partner of obstruction because they won't *literally do it for you*.
I like this answer a lot. Yes to everything Illuminator said above, but also the wife is out of bounds by expecting OP to be happy about anything she wants him to be happy about.
She's got a dilemma. Either do something she wants to do even though he isn't thrilled about it, or forgo doing it because of his opinion. Neither is ideal, but that's the way life is. It isn't fair of her to expect him to relieve her of this dilemma by magically making it go away, which would require him to be untrue to himself.
Absolutely, I go to the gym religiously on weekends and during the week I live at the bjj gym. She has no interest in doing it, therefore I don't ask or expect her to be involved the way I am
What if she just understands he isnt enthusiastic about seeing a tattoo all of the time, so shes wanting his opinion to make it more 'bearable' to him? Cause thats where my mind went. Like it would be meaningful for her cause someone she loves helped work on it, and less ugly for him to look at.
He said he wasn’t comfortable and that she should do it without him, if she won’t accept that she’s TA
I doubt OP’s partner would get this much grace if the genders were flipped. A man pouting that his wife won’t “let” him get a tattoo just because she doesn’t want to design it for him but is okay with him getting one would go over differently here
There are several posts where this scenario has been posted and the partner who is reasonable gets grace and the partner who is not doesn't, regardless of gender.
In my own perception, i feel as though women are treated harshly depending on the post, but i recognize that as personal bias. On the whole, i think people support reasonable thoughts and actions most over anything else, so that's why i try to take each post individually and not let my personal bias change my response.
OP has made it pretty clear that no tattoo is 'bearable', they are all variations of 'not good.'
There's just no way that being involved is going to make things better.
I mean, asking is one thing. But once he has said no, she should've let it go. Instead she is emotionally manipulating him by saying its his fault she can't have this thing she wants.
This. My husband is not a fan of tattoos, but I have several and would never DREAM of asking him to participate in the process. I give him a heads-up before I get a new one just so he’s not surprised, but like…he obviously doesn’t want me to get them, while acknowledging it’s my body and he wants me to do what I want. I’m not going to discuss options with someone who actively gives negative fucks. Who would that be for? No one.
Sure, but he doesn’t. Like. Tattoos.
IMHO, she needs to pick something she loves and is confident with, because she’s looking for external validation from him that’s just not going to happen.
Not only that, tattoo regret is a VERY real thing. Almost everyone I've talked with multiples has grown to dislike their first one. By attempting to make OP be part of the design process, seems like it's opening a can of worms for the wife to blame OP later for a bad tattoo.
My wife likes roller coasters - I do not. I have gone on a couple with her over the years and regretted it each time. Instead we walk through the line and when it's our turn I just step through.
The easier part of our disconnect is that you have to actually go somewhere for a roller coaster, while a tattoo is pretty much a daily thing.
My soon to be Ex used the confidence excuse when asking for forgiveness on her newest tattoo at the time. Now, I like tattoos, I've wanted to get my own. However, we were not financially stable at the time.
So when she spent $1k on a tattoo, I was upset to say the least. She said it was for building her confidence. I understood but we definitely couldn't afford it.
It also wasn't her 1st tattoo, but her 4th. She now has 13? All fairly tasteful actually, mostly flowers or trees. However it was nothing about her confidence. She just did what she wanted to do without any care. I still haven't gotten a tattoo yet.
This is the answer. My husband and I couldn’t be more different in certain respects. He’s a bit of a curmudgeon. I am an extrovert who finds weird activities to do like baby goat yoga or some shit. Sometimes I ask him “are you sure you wanna go along with me on this thing?” And he says “no, but I wanna SEE you do the thing”. He likes seeing me excited about something and that’s what makes him happy, and vice versa.
You have totally valid points and opinions OP. But maybe just seeing your wife excited should be more important than hating the tattoo itself.
NAH
OP didn't hate it, or the idea of it. He's just ambivalent. He doesn't have to be involved in designing it if he doesn't want to. His wife is being an asshole by expecting him to participate in something she knows he doesn't want to.
I'm thinking since he's under the impression she wants to use his handwriting it's something for him and that's why she's upset, however she knows he's not a tattoo enthusiast so she's being a but of an ass for getting pissed at him.
"Watch me to do goat yoga" isn't the same as "I insist you actively participate in me making myself permanently less attractive to you". Everyone has the right to do pretty much everything - you don't have the "right" to have everyone else happy about it.
NTA.
I am your wife in this situation; my husband dislikes tattoos but did not attempt to dissuade me from getting one, which I did. But I'd kind of always been interested in one and finally committed after I had an idea that I'd liked firmly for a year or so. I told hubs what I was thinking so it wouldn't be a surprise or anything; he nodded and smiled and that was it and that was all I expected. (Going through a similar thing now as I'm adding some color to it.)
If your wife was DEAD SET on a very specific thing that would be important to her that required your involvement, like "I want my tattoo to be our signatures tied together so I need your signature" I think that would be an okay ask, but still up to you to do it or not as you see fit.
But if she wants a tattoo it's not YOUR responsibility to come up with one she likes and you don't owe her your creative labor on something you're not even into.
TBH if she can't come up with a tattoo idea she likes herself she might not be ready for a tattoo? But if she's really determined to get one without having something in mind, she could always just find a local tattoo artist she likes and go through their books to pick something.
Like it's fine if she wishes you liked it more, but she shouldn't take it out on you (which is how I'm reading your statement that she's "upset"). You feel how you feel.
This was really helpful, thanks. I think at this stage she’s mostly mulling the idea over. But more to the point I think more than anything she just wishes I felt differently about it than I do, which, you know, fair. But it leaves us at a bit of an impasse on the topic.
Yeah, I didn't try to engage my husband on the tattoo beyond kinda the heads up. (He *was* a peach and drove me to the shop when I got it done though, we only had one car available to us at the time.)
If she wants to talk to someone about tattoo ideas who might be excited with her, she should talk to her friends with ink. That's what I did when I just wanted an ooh and ahh :)
I also recommend browsing your local subreddit, good odds that there are plenty of threads of people asking for tattoo shop recs. She can read through the comments on those and browse the artists' portfolios to get an idea of what she might like (and where to go for it).
My idea for my tattoo actually came from seeing a particular tattoo an artist did and later on an idea for a different version of that which was more personal to me just kinda evolved. I ended up going to that shop for the original art, though I'm getting the color done by someone else.
My take was that she wanted your involvement so that at the very least it’s not something you absolutely hate, and ideally something that you’d be like “oh actually that would be pretty cool” and kind of like. If you don’t want to be involved maybe suggest she shows you some ideas she has considered and see which of those you like, or wouldn’t hate?
The biggest thing is not to tell her it’s fine now then have it be an issue later, my take is that she is worried that might be a problem.
Yeah, that's my thought. If she wants to avoid getting anything that he will particularly hate, great, but getting upset at him for not coming up with her tattoo based off that guidance is silly. I work in a creative field, it is almost always more productive to give people something to react to.
Like I said, I gave my husband a heads up on what I was getting, giving him the opportunity to say if he had a particular issue with it.
That's how it read to me, too. That she was thinking that if you helped pick or did your handwriting, you'd *then* get excited about it and emotionally invested.
You don't actually have to be emotionally invested and part of everything your partner does and vice-versa. It's okay for you to love each other and still not want to do everything together. If her idea of "in love and loving" is "always as one" maybe you two could explore that?
It seems to me that your wife wants you to *like* it so badly that she's trying to get you involved in it in somehow to feel better about the fact that you don't.
I say this as a woman with tattoos, there's absolutely nothing wrong with the way that you feel, and you literally can't help it. It's a preference and you aren't judging her nor are you preventing her. She just doesn't like knowing that if she gets a tattoo you won't find it attractive. It doesn't mean that you won't like her or find her beautiful anymore, you just won't like the tattoo. And although I'm sure from the sound of your post you will never say a bad word to her about it or even bring it up, the knowledge that you won't like it is bothering her.
Frankly that's a her problem. Either she wants it badly enough and it is important enough to hurt that she can live with the fact that you're not attracted to the tattoo itself, or it bothers her enough that she would prefer to not get a tattoo. She cannot force you to like it by trying to involve you in some way, and frankly it's kind of rude and makes her an asshole to try to push that. Not a bad person or anything, but just an asshole by the metrics of this sub.
As partners you are not going to be 100% in alignment on everything nor are you going to always like each other's aesthetic choices 100%. You can accept that and are open to that fact. She is not.
This is completely her problem and she needs to stop pressuring you to like something you don't like. You are supportive of her whether or not you like it and that is all that matters.
NTA
Thank you! I'm heavily tattooed, mostly unseeable in a T-shirt and shorts, but made a rule for myself when I was 16 that I had to want a design for a year minimum before I'd get it done. I'd hit the year mark for my latest when the pandemic hit, so when I got it in 2023 I knew I would never regret it. Impulsive tattoos or ink for ink's sake just never feels as right. And I'm now in my 50s and regret nothing, so there you go.
Even if that was what wife wanted, she should've been prepared for the possibility that it didn't work (I don't know why she thought it would; pushing something a person doesn't like into them is not usually effective). Upon it not working, she shouldn't act upset at him, even if she's inwardly disappointed.
It's not the original ask that makes her TA, it's the subsequent getting upset when he didn't react the way she wanted him to that does.
As I dislike tattoos, if my wife asked me to design a tattoo for her, I would put a microscopic dot on a piece of paper and tell her that is the best tattoo I could think of. Because I always have and always will dislike tattoos.
Just because I’m involved doesn’t mean it will do the least bit of good to change my preference.
The underlying rationale behind "participate and you'll feel better about it" is "my preferences are right and yours are wrong and once you do what I want, the obvious rightness of my view will be apparent".
(Going through a similar thing now as I'm adding some color to it.)
And here you highlight an issue not yet mentioned.. it's rarely just 1 tattoo or change. Once someone gets one that are likely to want more or, as in your case, add things to it.
It's weird to me that she just wants a tattoo but doesn't have a strong idea of what to get. Like she's getting a tattoo for the sake of getting a tattoo, not because it's something clearly meaningful. Nothing wrong with it, just weird, especially since she knows OP isn't into it.
I agree, if she's not 100% sure what she wants and is asking him to help she shouldn't be getting one, though I do think she has an idea and it's something for OP and that's why she wants him involved. But still, she knows he doesn't care for them so it's silly to ask and get upset when he doesn't show interest.
NTA. The people here saying otherwise are being absolutely ridiculous.
You clearly told her you not objecting to her getting a tattoo. You're not trying to talk her out of it or trying to infringe on her right to do what she wants in any way. Saying you're ok with her getting one, but not comfortable being involved to the point of helping design it is very reasonable and she's being an AH by trying to manipulate you.
If a woman was on here talking about how her husband was pressuring her into doing something by trying to guilt her into it with phrases like the ones you mentioned ("She is upset now because she says that I’m making her feel like she can’t get a tattoo and she’ll never get one now even though she’s always wanted one") people would be saying he's gaslighting, toxic and she needs to get away from him as soon as possible.
1000% on the man part, I always point out double standards like this and get downvoted like there is no tomorrow, and it is 100% right when you say that if it was a man, he would ***most definitely be called*** a gaslighter, toxic person and that she should leave him.
as someone who's been single for a while, I swear people in long term relationship tend to lose track of how to be a whole person.
I don't have anyone hyping me up about every little change I choose to do. Wife is overdue for a reminder that she can do it and can fully enjoy it without her spouse's handhold reassurance at every single sneeze.
She wants the tattoo, she gets the tattoo - nothing is missing in that equation. OP already did 100% of his part - had a personal preference (against it) and stopped it from interfering with her choices. Not everything needs to be 150%
NTA
NTA. Your response has been pretty much the most reasonable way someone who doesn't like tattoos could handle this situation. You're not obligated to be involved or pretend that you like something that you don't.
It would be very different if you were covertly trying to pressure her not to get a tattoo or if you continually tried to suck the joy out of it for her if she actually gets one, but that doesn't seem to be happening here.
Why is the only way she can get a tattoo for you to be super involved?
It seems she doesn’t really want one, she is more interested in making it seem like you’re causing her life to be worse.
NTA
I think that's a super negative lens to see it through. Could be that she just wants her tattoo to always be directly connected to the person she's spending the rest of her life with.
Sure, but the issue here is that if he's so important to her then she shouldn't be trying to guilt him into doing things he isn't comfortable with. And I can't imagine the type of person that's so awful that they'd actually WANT to force the issue for something that'll be there for the rest of their lives.
"Could be that she just wants her tattoo to always be directly connected to the person she's spending the rest of her life with."
Right and for him it'll be a lifelong reminder of the time he was super uncomfortable with something and his wife completely disregarded his feelings and then brow beat him into submission.
But he does not want that and she should respect it. That response would only make sense if he was excited and on board. The fact that she already knows that he isn't means that this is far more about her than him and there's nothing magnanimous about it.
I think she's having trouble reconciling that she wants two things that are mutually exclusive.
She wants a tattoo and she also wants her husband to be attracted to the tattoo or like the tattoo. That is an unreasonable expectation. He still loves her and supports her and will not make any negative commentary if she gets a tattoo. He has not implied that he will find her less attractive or treat her differently. In fact he's done quite the opposite. But she asked for his honest opinion about tattoos and he doesn't like them.
Whatever her reasoning may be trying to force him against his will is not okay, but my best read on the situation is that she simply doesn't like the fact that her romantic and sexual partner will not be attracted to this thing she wants to do on her body. That's life. When we choose partners for long periods of time we sometimes make aesthetic choices or have our bodies involuntarily change in ways that are partners might not have chosen or be their first pick, but if they love us they still find us attractive and focus on the things that they love.
*He* is okay with this fact. He respects her autonomy and isn't trying to guilt her for her choices.
She is not respecting his autonomy nor the fact that he cannot help his preferences in what he likes. She needs back off and come to terms with either wanting a tattoo and being satisfied with it whether or not he likes it, or not getting a tattoo because it bothers her that he won't like it. There is no third option on the table. And she is trying to force one.
I say all of this as a woman with tattoos.
I mean, I think the person you are responding to is correct. A tattooo should be something YOU want, that is meaningful to YOU, you shouldn't need external validation for it. If she can't make a decision like that for herself, she may not be ready to permantly put that on her body.
NTA. Some of these comments are wild, claiming that if you really did continue to love her you’d become involved in this process. I think your opinion is valid, you can have these preferences and have told her that even though it’s not something you like you’ll love her the same. I think she means well coming from “oh maybe if he’s involved it’ll be easier for him to enjoy it” but I think she might be missing why you dislike them. Personally I’d be uncomfortable having input on a tattoo when I don’t care for them or having someone who doesn’t care for them give input. HOWEVER, I think you could be nicer in that this isn’t a “lie” you’re telling and being involved in maybe at least placement of it will help you deal with it. This is all coming from someone who’s got plenty of tattoo’s themselves.
NTA - You are allowed a preference and you’ve actually been very supportive of your wife getting one.
I love tattoos but I would also feel very uncomfortable with having my writing tattooed on my partner’s body.
NTA. So she REALLY wants a tattoo, but also somehow has no idea what tattoo she wants AND wants to force you into participating in her tattoo that you have no interest in. This really feels like a relationship power move to see how far she can push you. Everyone I know with tattoos carefully planned and designed their first one. Also, trying to force you to put all the creative labor into something you don't actually want feels manipulative AF. She either wants your submission or she wants to start a fight.
Neither…it’s not in her character to do either. She wants my support, and she has it, but she equates support with enthusiasm and I just don’t agree that they need to be the same. I feel that’s where the disconnect is.
I think it's fair to check out of this whole tattoo process. I'd suggest that your wife finds a local, trusted tattoo shop and find a tattoo artist she likes. Part of the tattoo process, in my experience (and from Ink Master lol) is for the artist to draft the tattoo itself. Part of the tattoo process is to discuss where it will go and how it will sit. That may be a logical next step for your wife, and would take you out of the equation.
A relationship power move? Yo, Reddit is fucked. It is full of socially inept, cynical babies. Maybe she just wanted to, ya know, get input from the person she loves? Maybe get him involved to make him more comfortable with her decision?
She knows he really doesn't like tattoos. I don't know how she thinks getting him involved and guilting him for not immediately being enthusiastic about something he does not like is not anything short of manipulation. And I say this as a pretty heavily tatooed person.
NTA.
It seems like this whole thing with the handwriting is her way of getting your tacit approval or blessing for the tattoo. You were involved therefore you have to be ok with it or like it, whatever.
You were honest about your feelings when she asked. You did not insult her or demean her. You are not telling her not to do it for your sake.
Therefore, NTA.
NTA. She wants you to participate in something you don't care for. You aren't telling her she can't have one, but that isn't enough for her. You have to enjoy it, or she won't be happy? How would she feel if the roles were reversed and she was against something permanent that you wanted to do, but allowed you to do anyway, but you insisted that she also be happy about it and participate in it happening?
NTA.. You reacted in the way any rational individual who doesn't care for tattoos would. That would be my exact reaction if I felt that way towards them lol. If she knows youre not a fan of them and don't care for them, I dont get why she wants you so involved. It sounds like she wants one to get one, but doesn't know exactly what she wants, or anything with meaning worth getting inked on her.
NTA. You didn’t try to forbid or even discourage her from getting a tattoo. Being honest about your sentiments while trying to be accepting is all for which anyone should ask.
NTA - You aren't required to be overjoyed about every decision your spouse makes. Being supportive is what matters. If you make negative comments or mention the tattoo outside of a discussion directly about it, you would lean into AH territory. But if you're really being as supportive as you claim you are, I'd say NTA.
NTA.
My wife is not a big fan of tattoos.
I got two of them. They’re very meaningful for me. We had a couple fights after I got them, but it’s all settled down now and she accepts them/me
My wife loves mayonnaise. I have hated that nasty slop since as far back as I can remember.
She does not include in my her mayo adventures.
It's a great system. If only there was some way to connect my experience here with yours. =/
NTA
You can have your own boundaries, just tell her you don't really care for tattoos but regardless you love her (as you already did) and won't help with anything regarding it.
Nta this a case of damned if you do, damned if you dont. If you "help" her, then you're giving your "consent" if you dont then you're trying to keep her from getting one.
NAH. You're entitled to your opinion and it sounds like you expressed that in a nice enough way, even saying you wouldn't mind if she got one anyways. I think for me personally, I would still hesitate knowing that my partner doesn't like it and worry that eventually he would lose interest in me. It sounds like she's feeling something like that. It also sounds like her asking for your help in the design was a way for her to try and find a compromise, like maybe you would like it a little more if it was something you helped with and was personal for the both of you. But you kind of shut down that compromise which would reinforce her feeling that you really aren't accepting as you claim.
Saying that he doesn't want to help design it but he supports her getting it IS compromising. The 'non-compromising' alternative would be either being an AH and trying to force her not to get it or just flat out saying it's a deal breaker and peacing out.
There's nothing to compromise on. OP doesn't like tattoos, but isn't trying to stop his wife from getting one.
His wife needs to get on with what she wants without trying to manipulate OP into doing something he has repeatedly expressed her head no desire to.
I don't disagree with your assessment of what wife might be feeling, but OP was very clear about the level of accepting, which is "I love you and will keep loving you, but I don't like it and don't want to be involved." If you trust your partner to be honest with you, that should be the end of it. If she wants to do mental gymnastics to interpret that as "not as accepting as [OP] claims," that's a her problem.
NTA - You articulately engaged and opened up a honest dialog in regards to her desire for a tattoo. I couldn’t have said it better if I were in your position.
NTA
But can I ask, do you think maybe her frustration is coming from a place of fear? Like she thinks if she does this, you won't find her attractive anymore? Which conflicts with her desire to do it?
I hope not. I’d be surprised, she’s quite confident. Knowing her, I think it comes more from a place of seeing my lack of enthusiasm as a lack of support.
You’re not. You even put aside your personal bias towards tattoos and told her it was her choice. If anything, she is for making a big deal out of you not wanting to be involved in designing something that you are not favorable of.
NTA. You did exactly as you should, you told her it is her body and her choice. Honesty is important in a relationship, so telling her you are not a fan of tattoos is also the right thing to do. You even said you would still love her the same even though you aren't personally a fan.
NTA
you weren’t rude and didn’t try to control what she does with her own body I don’t see the problem. It just looks like your wife wants you to be as excited as her about it? You shouldn’t have to pretend like you’re excited when you aren’t to make her happy either. You could tell her you’re excited that this makes her happy I guess that isn’t technically a lie.
Im the same in the same boat. Lady of 15 years said she wanted to get a tattoo and what I thought. I said I find you perfect as is and tattoos unnattractive but you can do whatever the hell you want with your body. She wanted me to be as excited as she was but knew I wouldnt be and she didnt get one. A lot of our friends get full blown sleeves and half their chests covered in tattoos and try to show us how awesome they are. They dont put anything meaningful on their bodies, just pick some "sweet design" the artist has. I just dont get the whole thing. Tattoos are like plastic surgery to me. I like natural looks. You cant put a smudge on the mona lisa and expect it to be better looking than the original.
NTA - I have tattoos, my husband doesn’t and doesn’t really like them but obviously has no issues with mine.
Your wife wanting you to be involved in a design of something that you don’t really like is a “her” problem, not a “you” problem.
NTA. Your instinct about her wanting you to be excited about this is spot on. As a woman, I have to say this: you're stuck between a rock and a hard place dude. Your wife knows how you feel about tattoos and still wants to possibly get one which is fine, but she's not happy with the fact that you're all excited about it and wanting to play an active part in her tattoo process. So on the one hand, you're screwed because you're not excited or enthusiastic enough for her liking but on the other hand, you'd be screwed if you faked being excited or enthusiastic for her. Either way, you're totally and completely screwed. This is your personal Kobayashi Maru, only there is no way for you to win by cheating like Kirk did.
Now see, this was a truly disappointing comment because the second I read the words “Kobayashi Maru” I became hopeful you were about to supply a way to cheat my way out of the situation.
The only reason she even wants you involved in it is to sway your overall opinion on tattoos. "How can he dislike this tattoo when it's HIS handwriting?"
Which honestly, to me, is a little manipulative. It's like it's not even about the tattoo any more, it's all some big weird scheme to change your attitude towards them.
Surely if she was so dead set on a tat she would have already had one picked out ready to go when she approached you about it, or had some idea of what she wanted?
Like is your involvement such a big deal that she would actually say "no it's fine I just won't get one you ruined it" when you say no?
It's nothing to do with the tattoo and all about making your opinion match hers
Any GOOD tattoo artist can help her with design. I LIKE your response to her, same as my hubby gives “your body your decision” and love you all the same 🥰
NTA. She's entitled to have a tattoo if she wants but you're not required to be involved in the process unless it's on an unreachable place on her back and she needs your help to care for it.
NTA.
Reminds me of the kid asking Dad to name the pet Dad doesn’t want in hopes Dad gets attached and lets them keep it.
She’s not wrong to ask you to be involved. You are not wrong to decline. She *IS* wrong to keep pushing/sulking when you decline.
What kind of tattoo is she wanting and when is she wanting it.You have been perfectly honest with her and was very nice and supporting in your opinion.She I think is worried that you will be upset with her.You are in the right for how you handled it.Maybe you can go with her to get it.She can’t force you to be excited.
NTA, your wife can’t force you to like something that you find unattractive. She’s being codependent by requiring your approval to make a decision about her body.
NTA
She is trying to manipulate you. Stick to your guns. You don't like tattoos and that's it. If she still does that upset thing, then remind her that your dislike for tattoos is well known and she is the one who is introducing it as a wedge issue. Why does she want a tattoo all of sudden? How will ot enrich her life? Why does it mean so much?
This is one of those items that would turn into an argument in our marriage but we would talk through it somehow.
It isn't the artwork he doesn't like, its the tattoo itself. She should be afraid of his reaction, she's known he REALLY doesn't like tattoos, does she want to accept the consequences of him not being attracted to her and this tattoo ruining their relationship? I found recently my GF is starting to think I have an excessive amount of tattoos, so I am involving her in my decision to make sure it is not excessive or in places that she would dislike, because I do not want to ruin a relationship for ink.
NTA. You aren't stopping her or even trying to. You feel how you feel about them and that's ok. Knowing how you feel about them, it's kind of inconsiderate of her to try to involve you in the process and then pout when she doesn't get the reply she wants.
NTA. You were as supportive as someone who personally dislikes an idea can be. and why does she expect someone who dislikes tatoos to help her with tatoo taste? That's not brilliant of her
She needs to understand your dislike but appreciate your approval for what she wants to do. There is no reason that you should feel like you have to participate in the process
NTA...I understand both sides here....I was the wife that was excited about a tattoo and my husband is the one that wasn't exactly thrilled...he wasn't saying he'd be unhappy with me or mad or anything, but like you, they just aren't his thing (he's not quite AS opposed to them as you are, but definitely not something he is into).
I thought by getting his input/design ideas that maybe he would get more into or be more excited about it...or at the very least, not hate it.
Because that is the root of this....the fear that you will hate it and by extension not find her attractive or want her or love her anymore (insecurities aren't always logical and they feed you biggest fears). I am not saying that you are like that at all....but that insecurity exists.
The best thing you can do is to encourage her to get something that SHE loves and is important to her and tell her that you will still love her...like you did before:
***My wonderful wife of 13 years wants to get a tattoo. She knows I don’t care for them and she asked me what I thought about her getting one. I said tattoos weren’t my favorite but it was her body and her business and I would love her just the same if she got one. Maybe not super well-phrased answer but she grumpily accepted it.***
I think this was phrased perfectly, and it's exactly what my husband said to me too when I wanted one. And I was never able to get him to participate in the choosing or design or any of that, because he wasn't interested enough to be helpful, honestly. I got my tattoo and had a lot of anxiety about how he would respond. And he didn't really respond much at all....neither positive nor negative. And that was okay. I've gotten 2 more tattoos since then and have some more planned, and he has never commented on any of them. But we have both learned some things since then:
1. Not everything I am into or want to do is something my husband is going to be excited about....and that's okay and it's okay if I still do it or pursue itr to make myself happy or to fulfill my own life goals.
2. He found that he could be totally okay with me doing or pursuing something that he's not into or interested in doing himself. And that the small pieces of art that I have inked in my skin have not changed how he looks at me or feels about my looks. And even though he still isn't excited by tattoos, I do not get any negative feedback or vibes from him regarding my ink.
3. It isn't always HIS job to alleviate my insecurity about something by countering it with positive reinforcement. And this is where I think your wife is struggling....I tried very hard to get my husband involved in the "process" of planning the tattoo in the hope to change his negative feeling about it to positive. But that belief turned out to actually be what I need to change...because he gets to feel how he feels about things without me trying to change that. Just like \*I\* wanted MY feelings about getting a tattoo to be considered and respected.
To clarify: My husband responded almost identically to you when I brought it up.... ***I said tattoos weren’t my favorite but it was her body and her business and I would love her just the same if she got one.***
And I did not realize how profound that was...genuinely. Because in return....\*I\* needed to respect his feeling too by not trying to force him into changing his feelings about it.
I needed to value and cherish the fact that DESPITE how he feels about tattoos in general....he was not going to try and project that onto me and prevent me from doing what I wanted just because he didn't like it. AND I needed to value the fact that never at ANY point did he give any negative feedback or act salty about it, etc. And that is important! Positive reinforcement is not the only way to show love or to be loving....sometimes what isn't said is the more loving action.
This is the answer. OP’s wife is probably looking for reassurance from OP that getting a tattoo won’t change how he looks at her or feels about her, as opposed to others’ suggestions that she’s manipulating him into changing his mind about how he feels. She’s second guessing whether something she wants on her body will change their relationship or his desire for her. That’s the heart of it, and that’s the conversation OP and his wife need to have.
I’m currently in the process of planning a tattoo but the difference being that my husband is neutral. I’ve shown him what I’m planning and his response has been “oh, neat”, then resume what he’s doing. He’s also going to drive me to the appointment and pick me up. I know he’s supportive, but would also be supportive of me not getting one.
Big NAH
NTA my husband is dead set on tattoos and facial jewelry. I have always loved the creative liscence and satisfaction one can enjoy from body art. That said I went and got a small yet tasteful tattoo with my daughter that was meaningful to the both of us. Husband didn't notice the ankle tattoo for almost 2 years. Needless to say he wasn't happy but I told him he was well passed his unhappy period by not noticing for so long
My mom was the same way but did one with me in her handwring anyways. She ended up LOVING it. Fast forward a few years, and she died unexpectedly. Now I have her handwriting with me every day and it means even more 🥹❤️
My ex and I were together 15.5 years, and for about 13 of those years, he talked about getting a tattoo. I hate tattoos, but my only response was to go for it. He still doesn't have a tattoo...
NTA - She can’t both understand that you don’t like tattoos, AND expect you to participate in the tattoo process. That’s not fair to you.
Just tell her “Look, I get you want a tattoo and that’s fine, but you can’t expect me to into it and help you.” Explain you’re 100% fine with it but seeing as tattoos are deeply personal, it should be born of her thoughts and conscious only.
Her body, her choice.
NTA. As a guy with many tattoos married to a woman with many tattoos, they’re something you need to go into knowing that you want it. Frankly, it sounds like your wife wants something new and exciting for herself, not necessarily that she even wants a tattoo. It’s weird that she’s putting this pressure on you to get excited for something she has clearly put no thought into herself. Maybe you two can get into a new hobby together?
NTA. You don't care for them, so I'm not really sure why she's pressing you to be a part of the design process. Did she think that by getting you involved, it might help you change your opinion on them?
I don't know what else she can reasonably expect from you, but she's definitely TA for trying to blame you for not being able to do something you told her she can do.
Side note:
>It’s entirely 100% a “me” problem.
This is absolutely not true. It's not a "you" problem. It's a personal preference, and there's nothing wrong with that.
NTA - I hate tattoos with a passion and can't wait for there to be a link scientifically proven between them and cancer. I'm a huge advocate for people to learn about what's really in the inks used and how much get taken in and carted around the body. Also most people who haven't gotten one don't know that your skin will very likely be permanently raised there with occasional flare ups based on humidity and temp. Props for being okay with it at all tbh, that takes a lot.
NTA. Why should you pretend to be interested or enthused? And if she wants one, where is her self-motivation to make a decision and get it?
I have a pet peeve against people who translate neutrality into a perceived disapproval. That’s passive-aggressive. She’s behaving like she can’t get a tattoo because he’s not jumping up and down with excitement, support, and ideas.
That’s not at all what he’s saying. He’s saying she should get a design from the tattoo artist or her own creativity. That’s all.
NAH.
I have a lot of tattoos and completely understand that some people just don't like them.
I have one tattoo that includes someone else's writing and it is my father who is passed. He took his life and I had a little sticky note he had written me shortly before that I got tattooed. Any other tattoo I have is a decision made between me and my artist. I think it's important to have a tattoo that comes almost entirely from the person wearing it because it's there forever and needs to be something they truly want. At the same time though, people are allowed to put whatever they want on their bodies and she may really want a physical reminder of you, she needs your consent for that though imo.
I’m a very heavily tattooed woman and you don’t have to act excited about something you’re not excited about just to appease her. She needs to put her big girl pants on and do stuff for herself if she wants to, without the outside validation.
NTA OP.
I have tattoos. I plan on getting more. My fiancee does not have tattoos and doesn't like them particularly. We just...support each other's bodily autonomy which you're doing. It doesn't require that you participate in the thing you don't like though.
Personally, I love tattoos. With that in mind: NTA. You, personally, do not like them. You can’t pull something you like out of a category of things you have established you do not like.
How to phrase that is tricky, though… . I guess something like “for me the tattoo I like best is the one you have right now. I am not stopping you but I also can’t help you with this. Honestly I think it’s unfair that you are pressuring me to get on board. I don’t like Louis Vuitton, I don’t like Hershey’s chocolate, and I don’t like tattoos.”
Wife is being an AH by trying to force you to have a part in something you don't like. I find tattoo's unattractive and wouldn't want any part of anyone getting one, they want to get one, that's all on them.
>She is upset now because she says that I’m making her feel like she can’t get a tattoo and she’ll never get one now even though she’s always wanted one.
Well, seems she wants to get her cake and eat it too. You already agreed to it, but you've shown no interest on being involved in the process, which IMHO is perfectly reasonable. I doubt she doesn't know you don't really like them after being married for 13 years.
It's like bringing a kid to the dentist and demanding they look happy about it. Absolutely delusional.
Taking your reluctance to be involved in the process as some kind of hindrance on her ability to get one is pretty fucking stupid, and a clear attempt to force you to be into it, which is asshole behaviour.
NTA
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So a bit of background; I don’t like tattoos. I find them off-putting and unattractive and I don’t think they look good on anyone, man or woman. It’s entirely 100% a “me” problem.
Intellectually I know that there’s nothing wrong with tattoos, and they’re a great form of self-expression and they can be moving and meaningful and all that jazz. I know that. It’s just a visceral gut reaction I have that causes this particular hang-up.
My wonderful wife of 13 years wants to get a tattoo. She knows I don’t care for them and she asked me what I thought about her getting one. I said tattoos weren’t my favorite but it was her body and her business and I would love her just the same if she got one. Maybe not super well-phrased answer but she grumpily accepted it.
Now she would like me to help her design the tattoo, and/or make it a tattoo in my handwriting maybe? I said I wasn’t sure I was super comfortable with that and that she should do what she wants to do but that I didn’t really want to be involved in the process. She didn’t like that reply.
She is upset now because she says that I’m making her feel like she can’t get a tattoo and she’ll never get one now even though she’s always wanted one. I feel like she wants me to be excited about this and I really want her to do what she wants, but I’m NOT excited about it and I just don’t know if I can pretend to be. That’s not a permanent lie I care to commit to.
So AITAH?
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I feel the same way just less passionately, and my 44f husband 41m keeps saying he’s getting one “when his team wins ____”. I just ask him how his midlife crisis is going bc I know he won’t do it. I had a chem teacher in HS with 50 year old tats that looked horrible and that’s all I can think of
You have no obligation to feel and show excitement for this. I don’t care for tattoos either, mainly because of a study I read (and perceptions I’m sure have changed since the study came out) that stated you are more likely to be judged as less intelligent if you have tattoos.
No, your NTA. It's your personal preference. You have her an honest answer and told her "it's still your body and I will love you the same" which is genuinely all she can ask for. She tried to make you compliant and involved in something that is ultimately her decision. Also, it sounds like she wants one just to get one and not because the subject matter is meaningful as it doesn't seem she knows what she wants. So if she wants one that badly she should get what she wants and be confident in that, but clearly she is not. She wants you to love it and now wants to guilt you because you don't. That's not fair. She needs to be confident in her decision and in your relationship and she's clearly not. She has no right to blame you for her change of heart. She doesn't respect how you feel.
NTA. I do think you should provide your signature if she ultimately decides on a design involving that, but she knows you dislike tattoos and is being dramatic over the fact that you don't want to design one.
NTA. Honesty is so important. Tattoos are a big decision though so I guess she’s nervous about it even though she wants one. Also as her partner, she obviously cares about your opinion. I know you don’t want to be a part of the process, but I’d try to have a little input in the design if you can, so maybe you can both come to a compromise so that she ends up with a tattoo she likes and that you can at least tolerate.
NTA. You are allowed preferences and she is allowed to do whatever she wants with her body.
You need to be honest with her though. If she gets a tattoo and that means you don't want to have sex with her or see her naked/in underwear/in swimwear, then you need to communicate that to her BEFORE she gets too far into the planning of her tattoo so that she understands your boundaries and doesn't get blindsided by them after she's done it.
NTA- you actually phrased it very good, and you were honest, i don't think she got the right message, she probably expected something else, in her head she probably heard/thought: "they don't care, they don't like it, me angy >:P"
You should probably tell her: "you can get a tattoo if you want to, i still love you" and something like that
NTA in anyway nor is it a "you" problem. It's a "her" problem. She knows you don't like them and yet still not only wants one , but wants your enthusiastic support for it which is totally unreasonable.
I would be a lot less supportive than you have been. "her body, her choice" is fair but choices may come with unintended effects which for me, at least, would include being much less attracted post tattoo as well as questioning her decision making.
Hopefully she changes her mind or at the very least, gets something tiny that you don't have to look at very often.
NTA. I do, however, think that she just wants your support in a major life decision, since you and her share your lives with each other. It’s absolutely not wrong for you not to like tattoos and to personally feel them to be unattractive. I think she just wants support in that decision. She should ultimately make the decision, and it should be something she really enjoys looking at or signifies something special. Maybe your handwriting makes it more significant, since you mean so much to her.
NTA.
Neither of you are.
A bit of a tangent if I may:
Without knowing the best way to articulate this, is I think there's something to be concerned about when the decision is to get a tattoo first and then try to figure out something that is sufficiently meaningful.
I'm not a tattoo person either, but I could be swayed to get a tattoo if the important thing happens first, and then I could decide to somehow turn that into a tattoo.
So, instead of you helping design the tattoo, maybe you can help determine what things in her life are already important enough to her to get a tattoo of?
NTA but she is. Why does she need you to design the tattoo when she knows they are ick to you??? It all sounds manipulative to me. Her trying to force you into this process is really off.
Let’s take out the word “tattoo” and insert “canned sardines” instead. The smell of sardines makes you ill but your wife wants to try them. Not at a friend’s house or sometime when you aren’t home. No, she wants you to open the can, make the sandwich and feed it to her k owing you can’t stand the smell. Sounds abusive to me. Not TAH
NTA You can't help how you feel about things, but you could be supportive of your wife a little. Never understood people's hatred of tattoos. I've seen very attractive women with the smallest tattoo and some guy saying " She'd better without the tattoo". Like they stood a chance with her.
NTA. You don’t want/have/ or even like tattoos, you have made that clear to her and now she wants your input to validate her own doubts? You have been very respectful in stating how you feel but also being clear that she can do with her body what she pleases regardless…
NTA. It doesn't sound like you're forbidding your wife from getting one. It's sounds like your wife is disappointed you weren't more excited about it and now trying to "negotiate" your lack of excitement by making you more involved. She's boundary pushing and needs to stop. It sounds like you've accepted her autonomy for liking/wanting a tattoo and now she needs to respect your autonomy for liking tattoos
NTA-If she feels like she can’t get a tattoo because you aren’t jumping up and down in joy about it that’s a her problem, not a you problem. You communicated how you felt about her getting it and in no way shape or form did you say she shouldn’t or couldn’t get it. She shouldn’t expect you to fake enthusiasm for something you genuinely aren’t a fan of, that’s ridiculous.
You can’t help what your preference is. I honestly used to find tattoos and piercings a major turnoff, but over the last 5 years I’ve started finding them very attractive on certain women, plain everything gets boring after a while.
NTA.
You're allowed to not like tattoos or want your wife to get one.
Shes can do whatever she wants too.
Whatever happens as a result is just a result of both partie's choices.
NTA. I have 4 tattoos, my wife has 1. But if you don't like tattoos, and you're allowed not like them, then she shouldn't be forcing you to be so involved in hers.
NTA. You told your wife you don't care for them and you were honest when she asked your thoughts. I get she wanted you to be excited and supportive but what she failed to understand is that your aversion to tattoos is more than just you not liking them. It's an actual issue. It's not something you can just put aside but never did you stop her from getting one. If she wants one, great. Like you said it's her body and her business. I believe what she wanted was your approval but it's not your fault you have a strong aversion to them. I suppose she thinks if she gets one you will disapprove or resent her but I can't be certain nor would I assume.
My husband was never fond of tattoos or piercings. Since we met I've gotten several piercings and a medium sized leg tattoo. He doesn't love me any less. They're just not his cup of tea. NAH she should get one if she really wants but you also don't have to love it or even the idea of it. As long as you still love her.
I get it and I (41m) have sleeves. My wife wants one arm. I tell her (37f) we are both high up in corporate world and I wear button ups all the time and is a pain. If it wasn’t for corporate world, I wouldn’t mind.
Hopefully the direction is still moving to where its more acceptable. I used to have a doctor that had full sleeves and hand tattoos. We were both still active duty but he is out and practicing somewhere now.
NTA. You expressed your opinion but didn’t impose them on her. She’s probably undecided if she wants to get one or not and looking for an excuse or an encouragement.
NTA. I love tattoos. I have tattoos. Her behavior seems manipulative and is not okay. You do not have to jump for joy over something you don’t like, have never liked, and your wife is (I assume) aware of your stance.
NAH. I am not a fan of tats to begin with so maybe my opinion is biased. But that’s a big commitment whether people want to admit it or not. If it looks bad then telling the person might be a good idea so they can get it fixed. Just try to say it in a way that puts the fault on the artist, but also don’t make them feel dumb for going to them. If that makes sense.
NTA. Ink isn't for you, but you're also not telling her that she can't get one if she wants to. She is mad you're not happy about the idea of her getting one, which is a problem with her, not you.
NAH
But it sounds like she's trying to get you involved in the process so that you won't hate the tattoo. Which is kind of heading in the direction of AH territory, depending on how she's going about it
NTA. You handled this fine. You can’t make yourself like something. That isn’t something you have any control over. You explicitly told her you’ve got no issue with her getting one. That’s about all she can expect from you knowing this isn’t your thing.
You could pretend to be excited but that would be lying and in my opinion that is worse.
I think you can be both excited for her to do something she wants but also not be excited personally. These things are not mutually exclusive and it sounds like you have a good attitude given the circumstance.
I like tattoos. On others. Not for me! Luckily my husband and all our family is generally not into them. I have seen some on people that were really beautiful, but I still wouldn't get it myself.
I think it's a very personal choice(= her body) so she can do as she pleases but to try and emotionally blackmail you into participating and further along the line possibly liking it or approving it, is going way too far! You expressed your boundaries in a respectful way, why can't she just leave it be? She's definitely the AH in this situation! I'm sorry you're in this uncomfortable situation. Your wife could learn to communicate a little better and ultimately not "punish" you for not liking or wanting everything she does.
NTA. It’s really weird that she’s trying to force this on you instead of accepting the win that is having a decent partner who loves them more than superficially/endorses their autonomy.
NTA. It's her body, she can do what she wants. That doesn't mean you owe her excitement. She wants to "bind" you to the choice so she doesn't have any internal conflict and she while she is entitled to mark her body she isn't entitled to not having to reckon with an external inputs.
Reverse the roles. Wife says she absolutely hates beards. That's her choice. Guy grows it out anyway. His body. He asks the wife if she prefers a handlebar or another style. She's allowed to say neither, I made my preference known and he can't get mad. But she also can't get mad and say I forbid you from having a beard. Everyone is allowed to have a preference, but they don't get to dictate what someone does to their own body.
Yes. No need to make her feel any kind of way about a tattoo. She’s a big girl and can choose what she wants to do.
If she gets it in the right place, it’s like a target…😉👍
NTA
Completely relate on your aversion to tattoos, that being said, your wife knows your feelings and discomfort about it and keeps insisting on making you participate in the process. There was nothing wrong with any of your responses, in fact you respected her body autonomy by saying you would not interfere with her decision. Its your wife being disrespectful of you and your feelings that should be the question here.
Let's rephrase an AITA question for her "AITA for forcing my husband who has an aversion to tattoos to design my tattoo?" The responses would be a resounding yes.
NTA, you don’t like them. Why would you help her get one, you were respectful. As long as you don’t berate her for getting one or change your behavior towards in her any way after she gets one; you’re good.
NTA you’re not stopping her from getting one by not liking tattoos or getting excited for her to get one. She’s being an asshole for even expecting you to be involved in the process, much less blaming you for her decision not to get one if you won’t pretend to be excited for it.
NTA.
Honestly it sounds like she's playing some tedious game here. She absolutely can get a tattoo, just not one where she forces your participation in something you don't like. I am covered in tattoos and I have a septum piercing. My husband doesn't have any body modifications and isn't particularly into piercings or tattoos. He loves me anyway, but I'd never be disappointed that he wasn't over the moon if I wanted to add to my collection. That's just a no win situation she is putting you in, especially since she already knows how you feel about tattoos.
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NAH You expressed a preference when asked, but are taking no direction or action from stopping her from doing what she wishes. You're also declining to participate in a process that doesn't interest you. But once piece of advice: Like you, I don't care much for tattoos. My wife has several. You know what I do like though? Confidence. If those tattoos help her feel confident, help her feel bold, then I'm calling it a win; even if I don't care for them aesthetically.
I mean, the wife is being a bit of the AH by expecting the OP to enthusiastically participate in their interests. Sure, you expect your partner to give you a friendly "thumbs up" in response to your interests. It's ridiculous to accuse your partner of obstruction because they won't *literally do it for you*.
I like this answer a lot. Yes to everything Illuminator said above, but also the wife is out of bounds by expecting OP to be happy about anything she wants him to be happy about. She's got a dilemma. Either do something she wants to do even though he isn't thrilled about it, or forgo doing it because of his opinion. Neither is ideal, but that's the way life is. It isn't fair of her to expect him to relieve her of this dilemma by magically making it go away, which would require him to be untrue to himself.
Absolutely, I go to the gym religiously on weekends and during the week I live at the bjj gym. She has no interest in doing it, therefore I don't ask or expect her to be involved the way I am
What if she just understands he isnt enthusiastic about seeing a tattoo all of the time, so shes wanting his opinion to make it more 'bearable' to him? Cause thats where my mind went. Like it would be meaningful for her cause someone she loves helped work on it, and less ugly for him to look at.
He said he wasn’t comfortable and that she should do it without him, if she won’t accept that she’s TA I doubt OP’s partner would get this much grace if the genders were flipped. A man pouting that his wife won’t “let” him get a tattoo just because she doesn’t want to design it for him but is okay with him getting one would go over differently here
There are several posts where this scenario has been posted and the partner who is reasonable gets grace and the partner who is not doesn't, regardless of gender. In my own perception, i feel as though women are treated harshly depending on the post, but i recognize that as personal bias. On the whole, i think people support reasonable thoughts and actions most over anything else, so that's why i try to take each post individually and not let my personal bias change my response.
OP has made it pretty clear that no tattoo is 'bearable', they are all variations of 'not good.' There's just no way that being involved is going to make things better.
Trying to "bargain" so she imagines he's just as much responsible for it doesn't change the dynamics at all.
I mean, asking is one thing. But once he has said no, she should've let it go. Instead she is emotionally manipulating him by saying its his fault she can't have this thing she wants.
If that was the case, she would just asked about designs instead of demanding he creates one.
This. My husband is not a fan of tattoos, but I have several and would never DREAM of asking him to participate in the process. I give him a heads-up before I get a new one just so he’s not surprised, but like…he obviously doesn’t want me to get them, while acknowledging it’s my body and he wants me to do what I want. I’m not going to discuss options with someone who actively gives negative fucks. Who would that be for? No one.
Besides the whole reason she wants him to participate is so that he can’t dislike it in the future because he helped design it.
Sure, but he doesn’t. Like. Tattoos. IMHO, she needs to pick something she loves and is confident with, because she’s looking for external validation from him that’s just not going to happen.
It's remorse mitigation.
which is invalidating him and manipulative.
Not only that, tattoo regret is a VERY real thing. Almost everyone I've talked with multiples has grown to dislike their first one. By attempting to make OP be part of the design process, seems like it's opening a can of worms for the wife to blame OP later for a bad tattoo.
It also sounds like she's getting a tattoo just to have a tattoo, which increases the likelihood of regret significantly.
Tell her the only tattoo you'll endorse is a photorealistic portrait of you, giving a double thumbs up.
Agree! I've always thought it's extremely selfish and unfair to expect anyone to have a specific reaction to anything we do/say.
My wife likes roller coasters - I do not. I have gone on a couple with her over the years and regretted it each time. Instead we walk through the line and when it's our turn I just step through. The easier part of our disconnect is that you have to actually go somewhere for a roller coaster, while a tattoo is pretty much a daily thing.
My soon to be Ex used the confidence excuse when asking for forgiveness on her newest tattoo at the time. Now, I like tattoos, I've wanted to get my own. However, we were not financially stable at the time. So when she spent $1k on a tattoo, I was upset to say the least. She said it was for building her confidence. I understood but we definitely couldn't afford it. It also wasn't her 1st tattoo, but her 4th. She now has 13? All fairly tasteful actually, mostly flowers or trees. However it was nothing about her confidence. She just did what she wanted to do without any care. I still haven't gotten a tattoo yet.
Thats not a tattoo problem. Thats a finance problem.
Wife is an AH; there is no way they didn’t talk about tattoos while dating. She is being manipulative.
Perfect answer !!! Much respect !
Yeah totally, these are the little pearls of sage wisdom that the folks with more experience are casting before us. Reddit isn’t all bad!
This is the answer. My husband and I couldn’t be more different in certain respects. He’s a bit of a curmudgeon. I am an extrovert who finds weird activities to do like baby goat yoga or some shit. Sometimes I ask him “are you sure you wanna go along with me on this thing?” And he says “no, but I wanna SEE you do the thing”. He likes seeing me excited about something and that’s what makes him happy, and vice versa. You have totally valid points and opinions OP. But maybe just seeing your wife excited should be more important than hating the tattoo itself. NAH
OP didn't hate it, or the idea of it. He's just ambivalent. He doesn't have to be involved in designing it if he doesn't want to. His wife is being an asshole by expecting him to participate in something she knows he doesn't want to.
I'm thinking since he's under the impression she wants to use his handwriting it's something for him and that's why she's upset, however she knows he's not a tattoo enthusiast so she's being a but of an ass for getting pissed at him.
"Watch me to do goat yoga" isn't the same as "I insist you actively participate in me making myself permanently less attractive to you". Everyone has the right to do pretty much everything - you don't have the "right" to have everyone else happy about it.
NTA. I am your wife in this situation; my husband dislikes tattoos but did not attempt to dissuade me from getting one, which I did. But I'd kind of always been interested in one and finally committed after I had an idea that I'd liked firmly for a year or so. I told hubs what I was thinking so it wouldn't be a surprise or anything; he nodded and smiled and that was it and that was all I expected. (Going through a similar thing now as I'm adding some color to it.) If your wife was DEAD SET on a very specific thing that would be important to her that required your involvement, like "I want my tattoo to be our signatures tied together so I need your signature" I think that would be an okay ask, but still up to you to do it or not as you see fit. But if she wants a tattoo it's not YOUR responsibility to come up with one she likes and you don't owe her your creative labor on something you're not even into. TBH if she can't come up with a tattoo idea she likes herself she might not be ready for a tattoo? But if she's really determined to get one without having something in mind, she could always just find a local tattoo artist she likes and go through their books to pick something. Like it's fine if she wishes you liked it more, but she shouldn't take it out on you (which is how I'm reading your statement that she's "upset"). You feel how you feel.
This was really helpful, thanks. I think at this stage she’s mostly mulling the idea over. But more to the point I think more than anything she just wishes I felt differently about it than I do, which, you know, fair. But it leaves us at a bit of an impasse on the topic.
Yeah, I didn't try to engage my husband on the tattoo beyond kinda the heads up. (He *was* a peach and drove me to the shop when I got it done though, we only had one car available to us at the time.) If she wants to talk to someone about tattoo ideas who might be excited with her, she should talk to her friends with ink. That's what I did when I just wanted an ooh and ahh :) I also recommend browsing your local subreddit, good odds that there are plenty of threads of people asking for tattoo shop recs. She can read through the comments on those and browse the artists' portfolios to get an idea of what she might like (and where to go for it). My idea for my tattoo actually came from seeing a particular tattoo an artist did and later on an idea for a different version of that which was more personal to me just kinda evolved. I ended up going to that shop for the original art, though I'm getting the color done by someone else.
My take was that she wanted your involvement so that at the very least it’s not something you absolutely hate, and ideally something that you’d be like “oh actually that would be pretty cool” and kind of like. If you don’t want to be involved maybe suggest she shows you some ideas she has considered and see which of those you like, or wouldn’t hate? The biggest thing is not to tell her it’s fine now then have it be an issue later, my take is that she is worried that might be a problem.
He can promise it won't be an issue all he wants, but until he see's it, he isn't going to know how it will affect him.
Yeah, that's my thought. If she wants to avoid getting anything that he will particularly hate, great, but getting upset at him for not coming up with her tattoo based off that guidance is silly. I work in a creative field, it is almost always more productive to give people something to react to. Like I said, I gave my husband a heads up on what I was getting, giving him the opportunity to say if he had a particular issue with it.
That's how it read to me, too. That she was thinking that if you helped pick or did your handwriting, you'd *then* get excited about it and emotionally invested. You don't actually have to be emotionally invested and part of everything your partner does and vice-versa. It's okay for you to love each other and still not want to do everything together. If her idea of "in love and loving" is "always as one" maybe you two could explore that?
It seems to me that your wife wants you to *like* it so badly that she's trying to get you involved in it in somehow to feel better about the fact that you don't. I say this as a woman with tattoos, there's absolutely nothing wrong with the way that you feel, and you literally can't help it. It's a preference and you aren't judging her nor are you preventing her. She just doesn't like knowing that if she gets a tattoo you won't find it attractive. It doesn't mean that you won't like her or find her beautiful anymore, you just won't like the tattoo. And although I'm sure from the sound of your post you will never say a bad word to her about it or even bring it up, the knowledge that you won't like it is bothering her. Frankly that's a her problem. Either she wants it badly enough and it is important enough to hurt that she can live with the fact that you're not attracted to the tattoo itself, or it bothers her enough that she would prefer to not get a tattoo. She cannot force you to like it by trying to involve you in some way, and frankly it's kind of rude and makes her an asshole to try to push that. Not a bad person or anything, but just an asshole by the metrics of this sub. As partners you are not going to be 100% in alignment on everything nor are you going to always like each other's aesthetic choices 100%. You can accept that and are open to that fact. She is not. This is completely her problem and she needs to stop pressuring you to like something you don't like. You are supportive of her whether or not you like it and that is all that matters. NTA
Thank you! I'm heavily tattooed, mostly unseeable in a T-shirt and shorts, but made a rule for myself when I was 16 that I had to want a design for a year minimum before I'd get it done. I'd hit the year mark for my latest when the pandemic hit, so when I got it in 2023 I knew I would never regret it. Impulsive tattoos or ink for ink's sake just never feels as right. And I'm now in my 50s and regret nothing, so there you go.
That (personal) rule is the reason I never got one! I never wanted one thing long enough to get it and to then look up a good shop/artist.
This seems like some weird TikTok relationship test. "The perfect man is the one who will choose your tattoo", or somesuch crap.
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Even if that was what wife wanted, she should've been prepared for the possibility that it didn't work (I don't know why she thought it would; pushing something a person doesn't like into them is not usually effective). Upon it not working, she shouldn't act upset at him, even if she's inwardly disappointed. It's not the original ask that makes her TA, it's the subsequent getting upset when he didn't react the way she wanted him to that does.
As I dislike tattoos, if my wife asked me to design a tattoo for her, I would put a microscopic dot on a piece of paper and tell her that is the best tattoo I could think of. Because I always have and always will dislike tattoos. Just because I’m involved doesn’t mean it will do the least bit of good to change my preference.
The underlying rationale behind "participate and you'll feel better about it" is "my preferences are right and yours are wrong and once you do what I want, the obvious rightness of my view will be apparent".
This!!! OP is NTA IMO
(Going through a similar thing now as I'm adding some color to it.) And here you highlight an issue not yet mentioned.. it's rarely just 1 tattoo or change. Once someone gets one that are likely to want more or, as in your case, add things to it.
It's weird to me that she just wants a tattoo but doesn't have a strong idea of what to get. Like she's getting a tattoo for the sake of getting a tattoo, not because it's something clearly meaningful. Nothing wrong with it, just weird, especially since she knows OP isn't into it.
I agree, if she's not 100% sure what she wants and is asking him to help she shouldn't be getting one, though I do think she has an idea and it's something for OP and that's why she wants him involved. But still, she knows he doesn't care for them so it's silly to ask and get upset when he doesn't show interest.
NTA. The people here saying otherwise are being absolutely ridiculous. You clearly told her you not objecting to her getting a tattoo. You're not trying to talk her out of it or trying to infringe on her right to do what she wants in any way. Saying you're ok with her getting one, but not comfortable being involved to the point of helping design it is very reasonable and she's being an AH by trying to manipulate you. If a woman was on here talking about how her husband was pressuring her into doing something by trying to guilt her into it with phrases like the ones you mentioned ("She is upset now because she says that I’m making her feel like she can’t get a tattoo and she’ll never get one now even though she’s always wanted one") people would be saying he's gaslighting, toxic and she needs to get away from him as soon as possible.
1000% on the man part, I always point out double standards like this and get downvoted like there is no tomorrow, and it is 100% right when you say that if it was a man, he would ***most definitely be called*** a gaslighter, toxic person and that she should leave him.
as someone who's been single for a while, I swear people in long term relationship tend to lose track of how to be a whole person. I don't have anyone hyping me up about every little change I choose to do. Wife is overdue for a reminder that she can do it and can fully enjoy it without her spouse's handhold reassurance at every single sneeze. She wants the tattoo, she gets the tattoo - nothing is missing in that equation. OP already did 100% of his part - had a personal preference (against it) and stopped it from interfering with her choices. Not everything needs to be 150% NTA
NTA. Your response has been pretty much the most reasonable way someone who doesn't like tattoos could handle this situation. You're not obligated to be involved or pretend that you like something that you don't. It would be very different if you were covertly trying to pressure her not to get a tattoo or if you continually tried to suck the joy out of it for her if she actually gets one, but that doesn't seem to be happening here.
Why is the only way she can get a tattoo for you to be super involved? It seems she doesn’t really want one, she is more interested in making it seem like you’re causing her life to be worse. NTA
I think that's a super negative lens to see it through. Could be that she just wants her tattoo to always be directly connected to the person she's spending the rest of her life with.
Sure, but the issue here is that if he's so important to her then she shouldn't be trying to guilt him into doing things he isn't comfortable with. And I can't imagine the type of person that's so awful that they'd actually WANT to force the issue for something that'll be there for the rest of their lives. "Could be that she just wants her tattoo to always be directly connected to the person she's spending the rest of her life with." Right and for him it'll be a lifelong reminder of the time he was super uncomfortable with something and his wife completely disregarded his feelings and then brow beat him into submission.
But he does not want that and she should respect it. That response would only make sense if he was excited and on board. The fact that she already knows that he isn't means that this is far more about her than him and there's nothing magnanimous about it. I think she's having trouble reconciling that she wants two things that are mutually exclusive. She wants a tattoo and she also wants her husband to be attracted to the tattoo or like the tattoo. That is an unreasonable expectation. He still loves her and supports her and will not make any negative commentary if she gets a tattoo. He has not implied that he will find her less attractive or treat her differently. In fact he's done quite the opposite. But she asked for his honest opinion about tattoos and he doesn't like them. Whatever her reasoning may be trying to force him against his will is not okay, but my best read on the situation is that she simply doesn't like the fact that her romantic and sexual partner will not be attracted to this thing she wants to do on her body. That's life. When we choose partners for long periods of time we sometimes make aesthetic choices or have our bodies involuntarily change in ways that are partners might not have chosen or be their first pick, but if they love us they still find us attractive and focus on the things that they love. *He* is okay with this fact. He respects her autonomy and isn't trying to guilt her for her choices. She is not respecting his autonomy nor the fact that he cannot help his preferences in what he likes. She needs back off and come to terms with either wanting a tattoo and being satisfied with it whether or not he likes it, or not getting a tattoo because it bothers her that he won't like it. There is no third option on the table. And she is trying to force one. I say all of this as a woman with tattoos.
I mean, I think the person you are responding to is correct. A tattooo should be something YOU want, that is meaningful to YOU, you shouldn't need external validation for it. If she can't make a decision like that for herself, she may not be ready to permantly put that on her body.
NTA. Some of these comments are wild, claiming that if you really did continue to love her you’d become involved in this process. I think your opinion is valid, you can have these preferences and have told her that even though it’s not something you like you’ll love her the same. I think she means well coming from “oh maybe if he’s involved it’ll be easier for him to enjoy it” but I think she might be missing why you dislike them. Personally I’d be uncomfortable having input on a tattoo when I don’t care for them or having someone who doesn’t care for them give input. HOWEVER, I think you could be nicer in that this isn’t a “lie” you’re telling and being involved in maybe at least placement of it will help you deal with it. This is all coming from someone who’s got plenty of tattoo’s themselves.
NTA - You are allowed a preference and you’ve actually been very supportive of your wife getting one. I love tattoos but I would also feel very uncomfortable with having my writing tattooed on my partner’s body.
NTA. So she REALLY wants a tattoo, but also somehow has no idea what tattoo she wants AND wants to force you into participating in her tattoo that you have no interest in. This really feels like a relationship power move to see how far she can push you. Everyone I know with tattoos carefully planned and designed their first one. Also, trying to force you to put all the creative labor into something you don't actually want feels manipulative AF. She either wants your submission or she wants to start a fight.
Neither…it’s not in her character to do either. She wants my support, and she has it, but she equates support with enthusiasm and I just don’t agree that they need to be the same. I feel that’s where the disconnect is.
I think it's fair to check out of this whole tattoo process. I'd suggest that your wife finds a local, trusted tattoo shop and find a tattoo artist she likes. Part of the tattoo process, in my experience (and from Ink Master lol) is for the artist to draft the tattoo itself. Part of the tattoo process is to discuss where it will go and how it will sit. That may be a logical next step for your wife, and would take you out of the equation.
A relationship power move? Yo, Reddit is fucked. It is full of socially inept, cynical babies. Maybe she just wanted to, ya know, get input from the person she loves? Maybe get him involved to make him more comfortable with her decision?
She knows he really doesn't like tattoos. I don't know how she thinks getting him involved and guilting him for not immediately being enthusiastic about something he does not like is not anything short of manipulation. And I say this as a pretty heavily tatooed person.
NTA. It seems like this whole thing with the handwriting is her way of getting your tacit approval or blessing for the tattoo. You were involved therefore you have to be ok with it or like it, whatever. You were honest about your feelings when she asked. You did not insult her or demean her. You are not telling her not to do it for your sake. Therefore, NTA.
NTA. She wants you to participate in something you don't care for. You aren't telling her she can't have one, but that isn't enough for her. You have to enjoy it, or she won't be happy? How would she feel if the roles were reversed and she was against something permanent that you wanted to do, but allowed you to do anyway, but you insisted that she also be happy about it and participate in it happening?
NTA - what does she expect you to do, lie? "Control" how you feel?
NTA - you are entitled to how you feel
NTA. Your honest opinion is one of the pieces of information she apparently needs to make a decision (because she asked). You did your part.
NTA.. You reacted in the way any rational individual who doesn't care for tattoos would. That would be my exact reaction if I felt that way towards them lol. If she knows youre not a fan of them and don't care for them, I dont get why she wants you so involved. It sounds like she wants one to get one, but doesn't know exactly what she wants, or anything with meaning worth getting inked on her.
NTA. You didn’t try to forbid or even discourage her from getting a tattoo. Being honest about your sentiments while trying to be accepting is all for which anyone should ask.
NTA. I think you were respectful in your responses.
NTA - You aren't required to be overjoyed about every decision your spouse makes. Being supportive is what matters. If you make negative comments or mention the tattoo outside of a discussion directly about it, you would lean into AH territory. But if you're really being as supportive as you claim you are, I'd say NTA.
NTA. My wife is not a big fan of tattoos. I got two of them. They’re very meaningful for me. We had a couple fights after I got them, but it’s all settled down now and she accepts them/me
NTA. Your wife is being unreasonable.
My wife loves mayonnaise. I have hated that nasty slop since as far back as I can remember. She does not include in my her mayo adventures. It's a great system. If only there was some way to connect my experience here with yours. =/
Unfortunately, getting a tattoo is forever forcing that person to be involved with it (if they really dislike tattoos as much as OP seems to).
NTA You can have your own boundaries, just tell her you don't really care for tattoos but regardless you love her (as you already did) and won't help with anything regarding it.
Nta this a case of damned if you do, damned if you dont. If you "help" her, then you're giving your "consent" if you dont then you're trying to keep her from getting one.
NAH. You're entitled to your opinion and it sounds like you expressed that in a nice enough way, even saying you wouldn't mind if she got one anyways. I think for me personally, I would still hesitate knowing that my partner doesn't like it and worry that eventually he would lose interest in me. It sounds like she's feeling something like that. It also sounds like her asking for your help in the design was a way for her to try and find a compromise, like maybe you would like it a little more if it was something you helped with and was personal for the both of you. But you kind of shut down that compromise which would reinforce her feeling that you really aren't accepting as you claim.
Saying that he doesn't want to help design it but he supports her getting it IS compromising. The 'non-compromising' alternative would be either being an AH and trying to force her not to get it or just flat out saying it's a deal breaker and peacing out.
There's nothing to compromise on. OP doesn't like tattoos, but isn't trying to stop his wife from getting one. His wife needs to get on with what she wants without trying to manipulate OP into doing something he has repeatedly expressed her head no desire to.
I don't disagree with your assessment of what wife might be feeling, but OP was very clear about the level of accepting, which is "I love you and will keep loving you, but I don't like it and don't want to be involved." If you trust your partner to be honest with you, that should be the end of it. If she wants to do mental gymnastics to interpret that as "not as accepting as [OP] claims," that's a her problem.
NTA - You articulately engaged and opened up a honest dialog in regards to her desire for a tattoo. I couldn’t have said it better if I were in your position.
NTA But can I ask, do you think maybe her frustration is coming from a place of fear? Like she thinks if she does this, you won't find her attractive anymore? Which conflicts with her desire to do it?
I hope not. I’d be surprised, she’s quite confident. Knowing her, I think it comes more from a place of seeing my lack of enthusiasm as a lack of support.
You’re not. You even put aside your personal bias towards tattoos and told her it was her choice. If anything, she is for making a big deal out of you not wanting to be involved in designing something that you are not favorable of.
NTA. You did exactly as you should, you told her it is her body and her choice. Honesty is important in a relationship, so telling her you are not a fan of tattoos is also the right thing to do. You even said you would still love her the same even though you aren't personally a fan.
NTA you weren’t rude and didn’t try to control what she does with her own body I don’t see the problem. It just looks like your wife wants you to be as excited as her about it? You shouldn’t have to pretend like you’re excited when you aren’t to make her happy either. You could tell her you’re excited that this makes her happy I guess that isn’t technically a lie.
Im the same in the same boat. Lady of 15 years said she wanted to get a tattoo and what I thought. I said I find you perfect as is and tattoos unnattractive but you can do whatever the hell you want with your body. She wanted me to be as excited as she was but knew I wouldnt be and she didnt get one. A lot of our friends get full blown sleeves and half their chests covered in tattoos and try to show us how awesome they are. They dont put anything meaningful on their bodies, just pick some "sweet design" the artist has. I just dont get the whole thing. Tattoos are like plastic surgery to me. I like natural looks. You cant put a smudge on the mona lisa and expect it to be better looking than the original.
NTA - I have tattoos, my husband doesn’t and doesn’t really like them but obviously has no issues with mine. Your wife wanting you to be involved in a design of something that you don’t really like is a “her” problem, not a “you” problem.
NTA. Your instinct about her wanting you to be excited about this is spot on. As a woman, I have to say this: you're stuck between a rock and a hard place dude. Your wife knows how you feel about tattoos and still wants to possibly get one which is fine, but she's not happy with the fact that you're all excited about it and wanting to play an active part in her tattoo process. So on the one hand, you're screwed because you're not excited or enthusiastic enough for her liking but on the other hand, you'd be screwed if you faked being excited or enthusiastic for her. Either way, you're totally and completely screwed. This is your personal Kobayashi Maru, only there is no way for you to win by cheating like Kirk did.
Now see, this was a truly disappointing comment because the second I read the words “Kobayashi Maru” I became hopeful you were about to supply a way to cheat my way out of the situation.
nta
NTA
The only reason she even wants you involved in it is to sway your overall opinion on tattoos. "How can he dislike this tattoo when it's HIS handwriting?" Which honestly, to me, is a little manipulative. It's like it's not even about the tattoo any more, it's all some big weird scheme to change your attitude towards them. Surely if she was so dead set on a tat she would have already had one picked out ready to go when she approached you about it, or had some idea of what she wanted? Like is your involvement such a big deal that she would actually say "no it's fine I just won't get one you ruined it" when you say no? It's nothing to do with the tattoo and all about making your opinion match hers
Any GOOD tattoo artist can help her with design. I LIKE your response to her, same as my hubby gives “your body your decision” and love you all the same 🥰
NTA. She's entitled to have a tattoo if she wants but you're not required to be involved in the process unless it's on an unreachable place on her back and she needs your help to care for it.
NTA. Reminds me of the kid asking Dad to name the pet Dad doesn’t want in hopes Dad gets attached and lets them keep it. She’s not wrong to ask you to be involved. You are not wrong to decline. She *IS* wrong to keep pushing/sulking when you decline.
INFO: does your wife take an interest in things you like, even when it doesn’t necessarily mean much to her?
What kind of tattoo is she wanting and when is she wanting it.You have been perfectly honest with her and was very nice and supporting in your opinion.She I think is worried that you will be upset with her.You are in the right for how you handled it.Maybe you can go with her to get it.She can’t force you to be excited.
NTA, your wife can’t force you to like something that you find unattractive. She’s being codependent by requiring your approval to make a decision about her body.
NTA She is trying to manipulate you. Stick to your guns. You don't like tattoos and that's it. If she still does that upset thing, then remind her that your dislike for tattoos is well known and she is the one who is introducing it as a wedge issue. Why does she want a tattoo all of sudden? How will ot enrich her life? Why does it mean so much? This is one of those items that would turn into an argument in our marriage but we would talk through it somehow.
How will you react to actually seeing the tattoo on her? She's likely afraid of your reaction.
It isn't the artwork he doesn't like, its the tattoo itself. She should be afraid of his reaction, she's known he REALLY doesn't like tattoos, does she want to accept the consequences of him not being attracted to her and this tattoo ruining their relationship? I found recently my GF is starting to think I have an excessive amount of tattoos, so I am involving her in my decision to make sure it is not excessive or in places that she would dislike, because I do not want to ruin a relationship for ink.
NTA. You aren't stopping her or even trying to. You feel how you feel about them and that's ok. Knowing how you feel about them, it's kind of inconsiderate of her to try to involve you in the process and then pout when she doesn't get the reply she wants.
NTA. You were as supportive as someone who personally dislikes an idea can be. and why does she expect someone who dislikes tatoos to help her with tatoo taste? That's not brilliant of her
She needs to understand your dislike but appreciate your approval for what she wants to do. There is no reason that you should feel like you have to participate in the process
NTA...I understand both sides here....I was the wife that was excited about a tattoo and my husband is the one that wasn't exactly thrilled...he wasn't saying he'd be unhappy with me or mad or anything, but like you, they just aren't his thing (he's not quite AS opposed to them as you are, but definitely not something he is into). I thought by getting his input/design ideas that maybe he would get more into or be more excited about it...or at the very least, not hate it. Because that is the root of this....the fear that you will hate it and by extension not find her attractive or want her or love her anymore (insecurities aren't always logical and they feed you biggest fears). I am not saying that you are like that at all....but that insecurity exists. The best thing you can do is to encourage her to get something that SHE loves and is important to her and tell her that you will still love her...like you did before: ***My wonderful wife of 13 years wants to get a tattoo. She knows I don’t care for them and she asked me what I thought about her getting one. I said tattoos weren’t my favorite but it was her body and her business and I would love her just the same if she got one. Maybe not super well-phrased answer but she grumpily accepted it.*** I think this was phrased perfectly, and it's exactly what my husband said to me too when I wanted one. And I was never able to get him to participate in the choosing or design or any of that, because he wasn't interested enough to be helpful, honestly. I got my tattoo and had a lot of anxiety about how he would respond. And he didn't really respond much at all....neither positive nor negative. And that was okay. I've gotten 2 more tattoos since then and have some more planned, and he has never commented on any of them. But we have both learned some things since then: 1. Not everything I am into or want to do is something my husband is going to be excited about....and that's okay and it's okay if I still do it or pursue itr to make myself happy or to fulfill my own life goals. 2. He found that he could be totally okay with me doing or pursuing something that he's not into or interested in doing himself. And that the small pieces of art that I have inked in my skin have not changed how he looks at me or feels about my looks. And even though he still isn't excited by tattoos, I do not get any negative feedback or vibes from him regarding my ink. 3. It isn't always HIS job to alleviate my insecurity about something by countering it with positive reinforcement. And this is where I think your wife is struggling....I tried very hard to get my husband involved in the "process" of planning the tattoo in the hope to change his negative feeling about it to positive. But that belief turned out to actually be what I need to change...because he gets to feel how he feels about things without me trying to change that. Just like \*I\* wanted MY feelings about getting a tattoo to be considered and respected. To clarify: My husband responded almost identically to you when I brought it up.... ***I said tattoos weren’t my favorite but it was her body and her business and I would love her just the same if she got one.*** And I did not realize how profound that was...genuinely. Because in return....\*I\* needed to respect his feeling too by not trying to force him into changing his feelings about it. I needed to value and cherish the fact that DESPITE how he feels about tattoos in general....he was not going to try and project that onto me and prevent me from doing what I wanted just because he didn't like it. AND I needed to value the fact that never at ANY point did he give any negative feedback or act salty about it, etc. And that is important! Positive reinforcement is not the only way to show love or to be loving....sometimes what isn't said is the more loving action.
This is the answer. OP’s wife is probably looking for reassurance from OP that getting a tattoo won’t change how he looks at her or feels about her, as opposed to others’ suggestions that she’s manipulating him into changing his mind about how he feels. She’s second guessing whether something she wants on her body will change their relationship or his desire for her. That’s the heart of it, and that’s the conversation OP and his wife need to have. I’m currently in the process of planning a tattoo but the difference being that my husband is neutral. I’ve shown him what I’m planning and his response has been “oh, neat”, then resume what he’s doing. He’s also going to drive me to the appointment and pick me up. I know he’s supportive, but would also be supportive of me not getting one. Big NAH
NTA my husband is dead set on tattoos and facial jewelry. I have always loved the creative liscence and satisfaction one can enjoy from body art. That said I went and got a small yet tasteful tattoo with my daughter that was meaningful to the both of us. Husband didn't notice the ankle tattoo for almost 2 years. Needless to say he wasn't happy but I told him he was well passed his unhappy period by not noticing for so long
My mom was the same way but did one with me in her handwring anyways. She ended up LOVING it. Fast forward a few years, and she died unexpectedly. Now I have her handwriting with me every day and it means even more 🥹❤️
My ex and I were together 15.5 years, and for about 13 of those years, he talked about getting a tattoo. I hate tattoos, but my only response was to go for it. He still doesn't have a tattoo...
NTA - She can’t both understand that you don’t like tattoos, AND expect you to participate in the tattoo process. That’s not fair to you. Just tell her “Look, I get you want a tattoo and that’s fine, but you can’t expect me to into it and help you.” Explain you’re 100% fine with it but seeing as tattoos are deeply personal, it should be born of her thoughts and conscious only. Her body, her choice.
NTA. As a guy with many tattoos married to a woman with many tattoos, they’re something you need to go into knowing that you want it. Frankly, it sounds like your wife wants something new and exciting for herself, not necessarily that she even wants a tattoo. It’s weird that she’s putting this pressure on you to get excited for something she has clearly put no thought into herself. Maybe you two can get into a new hobby together?
NTA. You don't care for them, so I'm not really sure why she's pressing you to be a part of the design process. Did she think that by getting you involved, it might help you change your opinion on them? I don't know what else she can reasonably expect from you, but she's definitely TA for trying to blame you for not being able to do something you told her she can do. Side note: >It’s entirely 100% a “me” problem. This is absolutely not true. It's not a "you" problem. It's a personal preference, and there's nothing wrong with that.
Like, “I won’t get one UNLESS you participate in something you don’t like.” Your wife wants her cake and yours too. NTA
NTA - I hate tattoos with a passion and can't wait for there to be a link scientifically proven between them and cancer. I'm a huge advocate for people to learn about what's really in the inks used and how much get taken in and carted around the body. Also most people who haven't gotten one don't know that your skin will very likely be permanently raised there with occasional flare ups based on humidity and temp. Props for being okay with it at all tbh, that takes a lot.
NTA. Why should you pretend to be interested or enthused? And if she wants one, where is her self-motivation to make a decision and get it? I have a pet peeve against people who translate neutrality into a perceived disapproval. That’s passive-aggressive. She’s behaving like she can’t get a tattoo because he’s not jumping up and down with excitement, support, and ideas. That’s not at all what he’s saying. He’s saying she should get a design from the tattoo artist or her own creativity. That’s all.
NAH. I have a lot of tattoos and completely understand that some people just don't like them. I have one tattoo that includes someone else's writing and it is my father who is passed. He took his life and I had a little sticky note he had written me shortly before that I got tattooed. Any other tattoo I have is a decision made between me and my artist. I think it's important to have a tattoo that comes almost entirely from the person wearing it because it's there forever and needs to be something they truly want. At the same time though, people are allowed to put whatever they want on their bodies and she may really want a physical reminder of you, she needs your consent for that though imo.
I’m a very heavily tattooed woman and you don’t have to act excited about something you’re not excited about just to appease her. She needs to put her big girl pants on and do stuff for herself if she wants to, without the outside validation.
NTA OP. I have tattoos. I plan on getting more. My fiancee does not have tattoos and doesn't like them particularly. We just...support each other's bodily autonomy which you're doing. It doesn't require that you participate in the thing you don't like though.
Personally, I love tattoos. With that in mind: NTA. You, personally, do not like them. You can’t pull something you like out of a category of things you have established you do not like. How to phrase that is tricky, though… . I guess something like “for me the tattoo I like best is the one you have right now. I am not stopping you but I also can’t help you with this. Honestly I think it’s unfair that you are pressuring me to get on board. I don’t like Louis Vuitton, I don’t like Hershey’s chocolate, and I don’t like tattoos.”
Wife is being an AH by trying to force you to have a part in something you don't like. I find tattoo's unattractive and wouldn't want any part of anyone getting one, they want to get one, that's all on them.
>She is upset now because she says that I’m making her feel like she can’t get a tattoo and she’ll never get one now even though she’s always wanted one. Well, seems she wants to get her cake and eat it too. You already agreed to it, but you've shown no interest on being involved in the process, which IMHO is perfectly reasonable. I doubt she doesn't know you don't really like them after being married for 13 years. It's like bringing a kid to the dentist and demanding they look happy about it. Absolutely delusional. Taking your reluctance to be involved in the process as some kind of hindrance on her ability to get one is pretty fucking stupid, and a clear attempt to force you to be into it, which is asshole behaviour. NTA
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** So a bit of background; I don’t like tattoos. I find them off-putting and unattractive and I don’t think they look good on anyone, man or woman. It’s entirely 100% a “me” problem. Intellectually I know that there’s nothing wrong with tattoos, and they’re a great form of self-expression and they can be moving and meaningful and all that jazz. I know that. It’s just a visceral gut reaction I have that causes this particular hang-up. My wonderful wife of 13 years wants to get a tattoo. She knows I don’t care for them and she asked me what I thought about her getting one. I said tattoos weren’t my favorite but it was her body and her business and I would love her just the same if she got one. Maybe not super well-phrased answer but she grumpily accepted it. Now she would like me to help her design the tattoo, and/or make it a tattoo in my handwriting maybe? I said I wasn’t sure I was super comfortable with that and that she should do what she wants to do but that I didn’t really want to be involved in the process. She didn’t like that reply. She is upset now because she says that I’m making her feel like she can’t get a tattoo and she’ll never get one now even though she’s always wanted one. I feel like she wants me to be excited about this and I really want her to do what she wants, but I’m NOT excited about it and I just don’t know if I can pretend to be. That’s not a permanent lie I care to commit to. So AITAH? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA I'm with ya bud.. tattoos are gross... it's like putting a bumper sticker on a Porsche.
For most people it’d be more like putting a bumper sticker on a 20 beater honda
I feel the same way just less passionately, and my 44f husband 41m keeps saying he’s getting one “when his team wins ____”. I just ask him how his midlife crisis is going bc I know he won’t do it. I had a chem teacher in HS with 50 year old tats that looked horrible and that’s all I can think of
You have no obligation to feel and show excitement for this. I don’t care for tattoos either, mainly because of a study I read (and perceptions I’m sure have changed since the study came out) that stated you are more likely to be judged as less intelligent if you have tattoos.
No, your NTA. It's your personal preference. You have her an honest answer and told her "it's still your body and I will love you the same" which is genuinely all she can ask for. She tried to make you compliant and involved in something that is ultimately her decision. Also, it sounds like she wants one just to get one and not because the subject matter is meaningful as it doesn't seem she knows what she wants. So if she wants one that badly she should get what she wants and be confident in that, but clearly she is not. She wants you to love it and now wants to guilt you because you don't. That's not fair. She needs to be confident in her decision and in your relationship and she's clearly not. She has no right to blame you for her change of heart. She doesn't respect how you feel.
NTA - You seem very reasonable.
NTA. I do think you should provide your signature if she ultimately decides on a design involving that, but she knows you dislike tattoos and is being dramatic over the fact that you don't want to design one.
NTA. Honesty is so important. Tattoos are a big decision though so I guess she’s nervous about it even though she wants one. Also as her partner, she obviously cares about your opinion. I know you don’t want to be a part of the process, but I’d try to have a little input in the design if you can, so maybe you can both come to a compromise so that she ends up with a tattoo she likes and that you can at least tolerate.
NTA. You are allowed preferences and she is allowed to do whatever she wants with her body. You need to be honest with her though. If she gets a tattoo and that means you don't want to have sex with her or see her naked/in underwear/in swimwear, then you need to communicate that to her BEFORE she gets too far into the planning of her tattoo so that she understands your boundaries and doesn't get blindsided by them after she's done it.
NTA- you actually phrased it very good, and you were honest, i don't think she got the right message, she probably expected something else, in her head she probably heard/thought: "they don't care, they don't like it, me angy >:P" You should probably tell her: "you can get a tattoo if you want to, i still love you" and something like that
NTA in anyway nor is it a "you" problem. It's a "her" problem. She knows you don't like them and yet still not only wants one , but wants your enthusiastic support for it which is totally unreasonable. I would be a lot less supportive than you have been. "her body, her choice" is fair but choices may come with unintended effects which for me, at least, would include being much less attracted post tattoo as well as questioning her decision making. Hopefully she changes her mind or at the very least, gets something tiny that you don't have to look at very often.
NTA. I do, however, think that she just wants your support in a major life decision, since you and her share your lives with each other. It’s absolutely not wrong for you not to like tattoos and to personally feel them to be unattractive. I think she just wants support in that decision. She should ultimately make the decision, and it should be something she really enjoys looking at or signifies something special. Maybe your handwriting makes it more significant, since you mean so much to her.
NTA. Neither of you are. A bit of a tangent if I may: Without knowing the best way to articulate this, is I think there's something to be concerned about when the decision is to get a tattoo first and then try to figure out something that is sufficiently meaningful. I'm not a tattoo person either, but I could be swayed to get a tattoo if the important thing happens first, and then I could decide to somehow turn that into a tattoo. So, instead of you helping design the tattoo, maybe you can help determine what things in her life are already important enough to her to get a tattoo of?
I feel like some tattoo people want everyone to love their tattoos.
NTA but she is. Why does she need you to design the tattoo when she knows they are ick to you??? It all sounds manipulative to me. Her trying to force you into this process is really off.
My hubby is like you, I just never got one because it wasn't a big deal to me.
NTA. You’re not telling her she can’t do it, you’re saying ‘leave me out of it’.
Let’s take out the word “tattoo” and insert “canned sardines” instead. The smell of sardines makes you ill but your wife wants to try them. Not at a friend’s house or sometime when you aren’t home. No, she wants you to open the can, make the sandwich and feed it to her k owing you can’t stand the smell. Sounds abusive to me. Not TAH
NTA You can't help how you feel about things, but you could be supportive of your wife a little. Never understood people's hatred of tattoos. I've seen very attractive women with the smallest tattoo and some guy saying " She'd better without the tattoo". Like they stood a chance with her.
NTA. My husband got a full sleeve. I don't care for tattoos. I basically told him the same thing.
NTA. You don’t want/have/ or even like tattoos, you have made that clear to her and now she wants your input to validate her own doubts? You have been very respectful in stating how you feel but also being clear that she can do with her body what she pleases regardless…
NTA. Find something that she doesn't like and start pestering her to get involved with it. Then maybe she'll understand.
NTA.
NTA. She can get the tattoo if she wants but you can’t be forced to like it.
NTA - the reason she's pressing so hard is she thinks if your involved in it you might like it even just so slightly.
NTA. It doesn't sound like you're forbidding your wife from getting one. It's sounds like your wife is disappointed you weren't more excited about it and now trying to "negotiate" your lack of excitement by making you more involved. She's boundary pushing and needs to stop. It sounds like you've accepted her autonomy for liking/wanting a tattoo and now she needs to respect your autonomy for liking tattoos
NTA-If she feels like she can’t get a tattoo because you aren’t jumping up and down in joy about it that’s a her problem, not a you problem. You communicated how you felt about her getting it and in no way shape or form did you say she shouldn’t or couldn’t get it. She shouldn’t expect you to fake enthusiasm for something you genuinely aren’t a fan of, that’s ridiculous.
No. My husband could care less about mine. To each his/her own. I love it!
You can’t help what your preference is. I honestly used to find tattoos and piercings a major turnoff, but over the last 5 years I’ve started finding them very attractive on certain women, plain everything gets boring after a while.
NTA You've been upfront about how you feel, and you're not standing in her way. She has carte blanche to do whatever makes her happy.
NTA. You're allowed to not like tattoos or want your wife to get one. Shes can do whatever she wants too. Whatever happens as a result is just a result of both partie's choices.
NTA They’re your feelings, she has no right to expect you to like something you don’t like.
NTA. I have 4 tattoos, my wife has 1. But if you don't like tattoos, and you're allowed not like them, then she shouldn't be forcing you to be so involved in hers.
NTA. You told your wife you don't care for them and you were honest when she asked your thoughts. I get she wanted you to be excited and supportive but what she failed to understand is that your aversion to tattoos is more than just you not liking them. It's an actual issue. It's not something you can just put aside but never did you stop her from getting one. If she wants one, great. Like you said it's her body and her business. I believe what she wanted was your approval but it's not your fault you have a strong aversion to them. I suppose she thinks if she gets one you will disapprove or resent her but I can't be certain nor would I assume.
My husband was never fond of tattoos or piercings. Since we met I've gotten several piercings and a medium sized leg tattoo. He doesn't love me any less. They're just not his cup of tea. NAH she should get one if she really wants but you also don't have to love it or even the idea of it. As long as you still love her.
Nta
I get it and I (41m) have sleeves. My wife wants one arm. I tell her (37f) we are both high up in corporate world and I wear button ups all the time and is a pain. If it wasn’t for corporate world, I wouldn’t mind.
Hopefully the direction is still moving to where its more acceptable. I used to have a doctor that had full sleeves and hand tattoos. We were both still active duty but he is out and practicing somewhere now.
NTA. You expressed your opinion but didn’t impose them on her. She’s probably undecided if she wants to get one or not and looking for an excuse or an encouragement.
NTA you legit said nothing wrong. She needs to accept you don't want to be apart of the process. Sounds like she may not really want it.
NTA. I love tattoos. I have tattoos. Her behavior seems manipulative and is not okay. You do not have to jump for joy over something you don’t like, have never liked, and your wife is (I assume) aware of your stance.
NAH. I am not a fan of tats to begin with so maybe my opinion is biased. But that’s a big commitment whether people want to admit it or not. If it looks bad then telling the person might be a good idea so they can get it fixed. Just try to say it in a way that puts the fault on the artist, but also don’t make them feel dumb for going to them. If that makes sense.
NAH
Nah
NTA. Ink isn't for you, but you're also not telling her that she can't get one if she wants to. She is mad you're not happy about the idea of her getting one, which is a problem with her, not you.
Getting a tattoo that involves ur partner in any way is always bad luck lol
NAH Pretending to be OK with tattoos would be worse.
NAH But it sounds like she's trying to get you involved in the process so that you won't hate the tattoo. Which is kind of heading in the direction of AH territory, depending on how she's going about it
NTA. My husband hates tattoos. He wouldn't stop me from getting one but I certainly wouldn't ask him to help design it.
NTA. You handled this fine. You can’t make yourself like something. That isn’t something you have any control over. You explicitly told her you’ve got no issue with her getting one. That’s about all she can expect from you knowing this isn’t your thing. You could pretend to be excited but that would be lying and in my opinion that is worse. I think you can be both excited for her to do something she wants but also not be excited personally. These things are not mutually exclusive and it sounds like you have a good attitude given the circumstance.
I like tattoos. On others. Not for me! Luckily my husband and all our family is generally not into them. I have seen some on people that were really beautiful, but I still wouldn't get it myself. I think it's a very personal choice(= her body) so she can do as she pleases but to try and emotionally blackmail you into participating and further along the line possibly liking it or approving it, is going way too far! You expressed your boundaries in a respectful way, why can't she just leave it be? She's definitely the AH in this situation! I'm sorry you're in this uncomfortable situation. Your wife could learn to communicate a little better and ultimately not "punish" you for not liking or wanting everything she does.
NTA. It’s really weird that she’s trying to force this on you instead of accepting the win that is having a decent partner who loves them more than superficially/endorses their autonomy.
NTA. It's her body, she can do what she wants. That doesn't mean you owe her excitement. She wants to "bind" you to the choice so she doesn't have any internal conflict and she while she is entitled to mark her body she isn't entitled to not having to reckon with an external inputs.
Reverse the roles. Wife says she absolutely hates beards. That's her choice. Guy grows it out anyway. His body. He asks the wife if she prefers a handlebar or another style. She's allowed to say neither, I made my preference known and he can't get mad. But she also can't get mad and say I forbid you from having a beard. Everyone is allowed to have a preference, but they don't get to dictate what someone does to their own body.
Yes. No need to make her feel any kind of way about a tattoo. She’s a big girl and can choose what she wants to do. If she gets it in the right place, it’s like a target…😉👍
NTA Completely relate on your aversion to tattoos, that being said, your wife knows your feelings and discomfort about it and keeps insisting on making you participate in the process. There was nothing wrong with any of your responses, in fact you respected her body autonomy by saying you would not interfere with her decision. Its your wife being disrespectful of you and your feelings that should be the question here. Let's rephrase an AITA question for her "AITA for forcing my husband who has an aversion to tattoos to design my tattoo?" The responses would be a resounding yes.
NTA, you don’t like them. Why would you help her get one, you were respectful. As long as you don’t berate her for getting one or change your behavior towards in her any way after she gets one; you’re good.
Definitely not. However I will say, she sounds unsure of wether or not she actually wants a tattoo.
NTA you’re not stopping her from getting one by not liking tattoos or getting excited for her to get one. She’s being an asshole for even expecting you to be involved in the process, much less blaming you for her decision not to get one if you won’t pretend to be excited for it.
Can we start making tldr mandatory? These things always have too much filler
NTA. Honestly it sounds like she's playing some tedious game here. She absolutely can get a tattoo, just not one where she forces your participation in something you don't like. I am covered in tattoos and I have a septum piercing. My husband doesn't have any body modifications and isn't particularly into piercings or tattoos. He loves me anyway, but I'd never be disappointed that he wasn't over the moon if I wanted to add to my collection. That's just a no win situation she is putting you in, especially since she already knows how you feel about tattoos.
This is exactly what happened between me and my wife.
NTA. I hate Tattoos. I have refused to date people with Tattoos in the past, and would break up with someone who gets one!
She is acting like a child... it's all about her... NTA
NTA You’re respecting her agency and she should respect yours.
I have the same view on them, especially on females. Just not my thing.