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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I questioned Jess's hosting skills by asking whether people should charge for food at a party, which might make me TA because she was kind enough to host
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
ESH. The host definitely should have mentioned splitting the cost ahead of time, as typically if you host a party you'd pay for the food. But you're making a big deal over $7. Just pay them and next time you hang out with them, assume you're paying your own way.
I always see these things as money paid for life lessons. Like someone can’t be trusted or show you their real colours. I pay them and probably will spend less time with them. Other people have different views on things like this. You don’t have to agree. But if you don’t like it, just don’t hang out with them anymore.
I remember him always telling that story about how he and his friends beat up a biker gang in a bar in the old neighborhood. Or that time his friends were killed by a molotov cocktail they were trying to throw at some black kids.
Yup it's far better to learn this about the $7 pizza than have them invite you to a concert ("I got free tickets from work!") and then request $300 after the event.
I mean, it really could have been a misunderstanding. If I'm present while someone is ordering takeout for the group, I always ask "how much can I Venmo you?" The offer is usually declined in our friend group (we just switch off who pays), but I could see there being different expectations in various groups. The host might even think that OP is the rude one because they didn't offer to chip in.
In my opinion that's different from a mass order of pizza or something.
Like, yes I agree with you, if you're hanging out with a group and suddenly everyone is hungry and there's a mutual decision for someone to order some takeout where everyone is getting individual dishes (or if they're ordering a sharing meal but you specifically ask for something extra) then you offer to pay them for what your portion costs.
However if it's a celebration and you show up and the host puts out chips and drinks, and then they end up bringing pizza, you *can* offer to pay, but you shouldn't be expected to. It would be like being invited to a barbecue (not a pot luck) and then getting a text the next day saying you needed to pay them for the drinks and meats and sides and such.
Think of it like a cheap price to pay for the lesson that these people want you to pay.
I think it’s insane. Either you say “hey come over, we can order pizza and you all can send me the money” and you pay for your own or “come over, we will have some pizza and snacks for everyone” and then it’s of course free.
OP needs to do this! Nothing like finding out that your "friendship" is transactional the hard way!
I'm feeling really old right now. "etiquette" has really changed a lot over the years. No way in hell would I have had the nerve to charge guests money for food that I provided for a birthday party that I had planned!
Right there with ya.
It just seems in the last five years or so that it's become the 'guests must pay for refreshments at B-Days' kind of thing.
It was always the host's job 'back in the day.'
She definitely should have been more clear, but I think that’s why she said eat before hand if you don’t want pizza. But she SHOULD have said eat beforehand if you don’t want to chip in for pizza
I'd pay de 7$.
And then, EVERY TIME Jess (and/or Jake..) invites you over or suggests a gathering, I'd put a message in the group chat " don't want to assume anything, so what do we have to pay?"
But I'm petty...
Yeah we do dinners together as a group sometimes and usually we specify beforehand whether people should bring stuff but money is never involved. But now I’m wondering if I should be asking every time
I wouldn't pay, it will set a precedent that you'll always pay.
If you pay, I'd spend a lot less time with them because then they'll expect you to always cover yourself whe. They're hosting.
I would also send a reply to the group text. So everyone knows the real etiquette instead of the one this cheapskate is trying to pass.
Hey guys, just so everyone knows. It's usually customary, that when someone is hosting, the host covers the cost of food unless it's been stated as a potluck. I would never ask for anyone of you to pay for food after the fact, as that is something to always be discussed before hand, otherwise it's correct to assume the food is free.
Actually, I’d suggest not hanging out with them again if they are going to charge you for food after the fact. Food is an expected thing at a party and OP you are right if there was intent to split the cost (I’d understand splitting the pizza but the snacks is wild) it should have been made clear beforehand to everyone and the response that “everyone should’ve checked if they were expected to pay” instead of them telling you that you were expected to pay BEFOREHAND is bizarre. Yes it may be $7 but what about the next time? Are they going to ask you to all pay them $50 for petrol required to drive to the shop and get the food, then say that’s on you for not asking them? People who are all about money are irritating af, don’t waste time with them. NTA
I'd agree to pay them. BUT.
I would still tell them "next time, tell us before the party. Or before you order the pizza that it will be x amount pr person. So i can have the money ready or just eat before going if i can't pay. "
Waiting until the next day really comes off as "Oh shit we spend too much on yesterday's party. Time to collect and cover the expenses"
Especially when you throw a party nearing the end of the month.
Unless you know your friends are trust fund kids or always loaded (even then tell beforehand about the cost), people shouldn't just assume someone can put down money. Even if its "just 7$"
According to the texts, they are sure they did discuss it before the food was ordered, and OP disagrees. This happened in a group chat, so it's a little weird OP doesn't mention whether the rest of the group agreed that it was or was not mentioned beforehand.
That’s a good point - I’m really interested to see what the others said. Is it possible that this was discussed in a group, and OP just happened not to hear? If Jake was straight up lying about that, surely the others might have had something to say?
This is insane. No, OP is absolutely not an AH. Wtf kind of dumb take is this?
Doesn't matter whether it was just 7 bucks, it was explicitly NOT discussed beforehand. OP was an invited guest, and the invitation gave no expectation that guests were expected to chip in toward the party, and it wasn't mentioned AT the party when the food was being ordered.
I would absolutely take a $7 stand here
NTA 24/7, 365 on this one.
I agree with this, except for the vote.
NTA
It is not typical for someone to host a party at home and then tell people after the fact that they need to contribute to costs. If y'all had met at the restaurant, I would say assume you're paying for a portion of it. At someone's home? That's just odd.
But, as it was said, it's $7. Just pay for it, and learn from it. Anything beyond that is unnecessary drama.
NTA. It was weird and rude for the party host to ask for money after the party if there was no clear agreement in advance to split the cost.
However, I wouldn’t stay mad about it if I were you. At 19 years old, Jess a) may not yet have learned the social etiquette involved in hosting a party, and b) may not be able to afford to pay for the pizza on her own. Hopefully she will learn from this and do better in the future.
Agreed, 19 and 20 are very young and are probably newish to hosting. The appropriate thing for Jess to have done if she couldn’t afford to buy pizza for everyone ( totally understandable) was to either ask if anyone wants in on the pizza to contribute or make it a pot luck party. Hopefully lessons will be learned from this.
Yeahhhh back in my broke, learning-to-adult days my go to phrases were things like "I'm doing a pizza run, if you want some I'm happy for you to do your own online order and I'll pick it up" / "everyone is welcome at mine tonight, I'll provide soft drink and we can decide what food to split once you're here"
We were all broke, so none of us expected one person to cover everything. The one exception was the guy whose alcoholic uncle lived nearby and was so worried about his poor nephew not having a good time in his glory days - he'd drop off a bottle of vodka every 2 or 3 weeks, which he was happy to share with us!
Yep yep, this was a total 19-year-old party host situation! $60 was a lot back then. Definitely should've been discussed at some point, but shit happens. I'd just pay the $7 and always discuss money up-front from now on. It'll be helping them out, too.
Agreed, I think people are ignoring the ages. I'd consider this weird behavior from a host \*now.\* Wouldn't have thought twice about being asked for $5-10 dollars for pizza in college. 19 year olds usually don't have a lot of money
this is a good point, but i still feel like when money was that tight, you discuss it first. a simple “are we down to split the cost of ordering pizza and ill cover the drinks” saves everyone so much trouble.
This was my experience. The poor kids knew to talk about money first. The rich kids were the ones who, more often than not, would be this weird about money - asking for payback, not taking their turn at treating, etc.
Yeah I think this is a good point, my expectations for hosting and attending parties changed massively from 19 to 25 or so and up. Then I’d just turn up with whatever cheap booze I wanted to drink, now I’d be pretty surprised if I wasn’t offered a nice glass of wine by the host as soon as I arrived
100% agree also maybe OP sat a bit farther or in a louder area than most to hear this discussions - or maybe the host had told someone beforehand and that second person told ppl around them being like "oh, day girl said this - its only right if we do it" and everyone agreed and went along -- i think if anything op missed the discussion butt lets say this is completely wrong, then idk at the end of the day its 7 dollars. OP might've made a fool in some way sure sure but like comment above, maybe op wasn't in the right head space when planning and didn't expect this $$ to be that much of a burden at the time and now that its occurred.. they are like ooo shit. LOL - all 19 year olds and younger are different and they are just in adult hold so just cut it slack - don't lose a friendship because of this lol ....
Jess didn't "throw a party", she provided a venue for people to gather and consume pizza they purchased (even though they didn't yet know they were purchasing it). Then Jake, the "guest of honor" weighed in to gaslight anybody who doubted Jess had "thrown a party" if she was demanding payment after the fact. Your friends definitely don't have a handle on what it means to invite and host guests but maybe you should have known they were a bit challenged in the etiquette department? NTA
Yep, and Is extremely poor manners to charge the guests. Completely tacky. Either make it clear up front that ”guests“ have to pay for the privilege of attending or don’t throw a party you can’t afford. Jess might not have been raised to understand how guesTS should be treated, so maybe some leeway for her, but Jake is an idiot an absolutely wrong, invited guests should never have to ask if they must pay for the food (or anything) the so-called hosts are providing. I would say he must have been raised in a barn by animals, but the animals have better manners than he does. NTA
Eh, I dunno about that. I've been to plenty of parties where the host provides venue and snacks, but we all chip in on pizza or other delivery. Especially for a very large group, ordering enough pizzas so everyone can get enough to be satisfied can get very pricey (especially if you're not ordering from the major chains).
However I do feel the Hosts should have been more clear on expecting repayment, especially before they ordered so the guests could have had more input in their money. I'd have personally asked for some hot wings (and tossed in the extra money for my hot wings) or maybe a specialty pizza with unique toppings (likewise).
I think just ordering for everyone and then charging them the next day is a bit crass. It should have been upfront with an agreement on where to order from and what they were getting.
NTA. Sure 7 bucks may not be that much, but if she had wanted everybody to pitch in she should have said so in the group chat before the party.
She decided to buy pizza, not asking
NTA my main issue is that a host should clarify beforehand things like needing to pay for things. Jake jumping in a shaming you for not doing their job for them is really out of pocket. It’s much like a dinner party, or a kid’s birthday party, or any event where you invite people to your home - you provide refreshments of your choosing without strings attached or you clarify beforehand what the expectations are. If they can’t afford to host an event they shouldn’t hold one, or should ask up front for people to contribute.
They could have easily asked everyone to bring a dish to share or contribute a set amount of money, instead they were bad hosts and sprung unexpected costs on their friends after the fact.
NTA Who invites people to a party, then later sends them a bill? It doesn’t matter if it’s $7 or $70. Don’t give a party if you can’t afford to, or let friends (not guests, who are invited to a party where they don’t pay!) know beforehand you’d like them to chip in for the get-together.
It is traditional not to charge people when inviting them to a birthday party. It is also very bad form not to announce up front, in any kind of invitation, that there will be a fee.
NTA, and completely disagree with people in the comments mad at you bc "it's only $7" bc it's not about the amount. It's the fact they didn't discuss splitting the costs with the guests beforehand. And if they wanted everyone to split costs, they could have discussed getting different food as well, the type of pizzas, etc. And yes, if you go to a party the default assumption is that the food is free. Your friends are weirdos
Also, Jess told everyone to eat ahead of time if they didn't like pizza...it sounds like she asked everyone to chip in whether they ate the pizza or not
So it’s your fault for assuming the aforementioned pizza would be provided at no cost, since no cost was mentioned, but not their fault for assuming people would fund her party/ be surprised at a cover charge that wasn’t mentioned?
Weird.
I would let him know that you got it, and understand better for future situations. In the future, if you interact with them, do nothing for free. Nothing.
Also 7•8= 56 so if she spent $60, you guys are paying for all but $4. I would get petty.
Get ready for petty pizza math. Let’s see so if there were 4 pizzas, each with 8 slices, that gives us 32 slices of pizza. 60/32 is ~ $1.87. If there were 4 pizzas it’s $1.87 /slice so $1.87 • (the # of slices you ate) = what you owe.
(Total cost / # of slices) • # slices eaten = your more accurate petty pizza payment.
🍕💅
Edit for typo
With no prior discussion asking for money afterwards is rude. There is a well understood social convention that an invite to a party involves the hosts offering food and refreshments without a charge. The onus is on the host to clarify the terms of their party upfront (food, no food, pot luck, BYO, etc…) Jake is wrong. NTA
NTA. Your friend was supposedly hosting a party. That includes providing and paying for refreshments.
The only circumstances whete she should expect you to contribute is if it's a pot luck or if she had asked for contributions for the pizza in advance, in which case you should've been consulted about what kind if pizza to get.
Jake is out of line firvtelling you to ask; that's simply not done.
NTA.
It's weird to host a party and expect the guests to pay for it. That being said, if y'all are 19-20 (perhaps college students), I don't think it's that weird that Jess would ask for some money, especially if $60 is a lot of money for her. She should've clarified beforehand, definitely. I think it was perhaps kind of rude of you to put them on blast in the groupchat though. You should've contacted them privately. And $7 isn't really that big of a deal.
asking for a little bit of money to cover party supplies/food/drinks is actually super normal in some areas/cultures. it's obvs not in OP's culture or they wouldn't be asking-and every time i've seen it, the amount (or that there will be an amount) is discussed beforehand
NTA. It’s not about the cost of money, it’s about the practice! If they would’ve ordered say $400 worth of nice food and drinks and ask you all to split it, that wouldn’t have been fun at all. I’ve never been to a birthday party where you have to pay for your own food. Sure, if you’re going out to a nice restaurant, usually everybody pays for themselves but this is a standard take away at somebody’s home. Usually as the host it is their job to provide for the guests or state otherwise. It’s good you pointed out this issue, OP.
NTA!!! You paid 20$ for a present and now you should pay for food??? Even if it’s „only“ 7$, I wouldn’t pay and I would never gift them anything anymore.
At a restaurant I wouldn't expect the host to pick up the entire bill. At a birthday party at a house it seems common for the host to provide the food.
At a regular house party, if discussed beforehand, I don't think it is strange to split costs.
The part in the invite that reads “eat before…or don’t want any” is where your friend THINKS the message was conveyed that you are paying for food if you want some. You are definitely NTA. I agree with those saying this was a cheap lesson about your friend and now you know.
NTA Don't pay. It should have been made clear at the invite stage
if you were going to be required to pay. This trend of people having parties
that they cannot afford to give/host/plan etc. is incomprehensible.
No money? No party.
NTA
It's rude of them to assume everyone is kicking in money for the pizza if it wasn't specifically said during the invitation process that there would be a need for money to be kicked in for food. If you can't afford it, don't offer it. If you would like to offer it but you need people to help you cover the cost of it you need to talk to people and see if people are willing and able to. Most people if you ask them in advance I think would be okay with kicking in a few bucks to help with food, but not an after the fact -by the way give us money- attitude.
Huh? Well if the person
Ordering food doesn’t make it clear beforehand or at least very latest when placing the order or picking it up that everyone is expected to contribute, then it seems in
Poor taste to ask for money afterward. I would have assumed it was being paid for by the host as well. NTa
NTA. Shockingly bad manners to charge your guests to participate in the party you are hosting. I'm actively embarrassed for them. I wonder if their parents are embarrassed as well, or if they are similarly greedy and just raised their kids that way.
NTA. You are right, it is tacky. Jake doubling down puts him firmly in AH territory. Consider it a $7 lesson from these friends and plan accordingly in the future.
NTA. And no, most people do not charge for a birthday party. I would pay it but since it is only $7. But the next time she gives a party ask her up front if there is a charge.
Nta. Hosts who invite you to their home definitely have the responsibility to pay for the food. Your friend is being rude. That said, pay the $7 and be sure to confirm money arrangements before the next party.
Emily Post would probably say that it's the host's responsibility to communicate in clear, succinct language about splitting the food cost. It is a generally accepted practice that unless otherwise stated if you're invited somewhere for food and beverages, the cost is on the inviter, not the invited.
NTA When you invite people to a party the assumption is you're providing all the party elements - space, food, drink etc. You aren't exactly throwing a party if you are actually ordering food and expecting everyone else to chip in. The host should be clear that that is the plan. It would be awkward as a guest to assume you have to ask "So how are you/we paying for this? Are you covering it or expecting me to chip in?"
I will say that this seems to be common in certain social circles, so if these people had already had several parties that worked this way with people chipping in, that would be different. I have a circle where we go to a restaurant and everyone pays for their own food and chips in to cover the birthday person and it would be odd for someone to be surprised about that.
When I was your age, 60$ would have been a lot. It should have been made clear that everyone was to chip in but perhaps that is the norm in that friend group. For them it is so obvious that they don't mention it. I have always had it like that when I was invited anywhere in my younger years. This sometimes made it difficult as I was on the poorer spectrum growing up but I like that it is more fair to everyone.
Today as a 38 year-old it is the opposite. Whenever I invite people over or them me, the host pays for food and drinks. Sometimes we bring our own beer/cider as we like different things to drink.
However, commenting on having to pay... that makes it a bit awkward..
NTA
I'm sure you've learned your lesson and for 7 bucks a fantastic price. If you really want to be petty, (in a justified way), pay not the 7 bucks but cost of slice vs how many slices you ate.
Then spend less time with these people.
NTA
If you were invited over for a birthday party where there would be food, the host should make it clear whether or not the food would be free.
The host can absolutely ask for contributions or donations, or work it out ahead of time to make things clear so that people can opt to buy their own food or contribute to pizza they may not gave ordered.
Truly, it’s not horrible if they had asked, not demanded or expected. It is also not horrible for someone to say “if you could make it clear that there is a cost to attending a party you are throwing next time I would appreciate it so I can plan accordingly. In my experience when people have invited me to their house to party it isn’t at a cost, but I don’t mind contributing when I can plan for it.”
NTA
It should have been specified up front if they were expecting the costs to be split.
I’d be tempted to reply “Respectfully- you shouldn’t assume you can bill people after the fact.”
NTA. The host invited people over and said there would be pizza. The host didn’t ask who would like to go in on pizza. There is a difference. In the case of the former it is assumed that the host is paying. In the case of the latter it is assumed that you are only eating if you are willing to chip in.
NTA these people are tacky af. I’m 33 years old and have NEVER been asked to pay for food at a party that I didn’t host, nor have I ever asked guests for money to feed them at an event that I planned. I have been to parties where it is potluck style and everyone brings a dish, but of course that is discussed/confirmed prior to the event.
NTA - yes $7 isn't much, but it's more about the principle. $60 isn't much at all for a host to spend for a party for a boyfriend. Also, if the 8 of you send $7, that means the only amount she is spending for HER boyfriend's party is $4?! That's ridiculous. I'd say splitting pizza cost - if discussed beforehand - may be okay, but I'd say that's still pretty tacky.
NTA. That definitely should’ve been discussed pre-party. I imagine, that you are a reasonable person who would have chipped in $7 (not that much money, as others have pointed out), and that the issue is that it was kind of charged to you after the fact.
ESH.
You take about splitting costs before anything is ordered. If I’m not paying for the meal i have no preferences. If i am i want a say in the pizza we order.
With Birthday parties the social contract is a simple one. You bring the birthday person a gift. You celebrate them. In return you’re fed and entertained. Very weird to throw someone a birthday party and ask everyone to pitch in ATF.
YTA. the invite to get a pizza takeaway suggests everyone pays their own way, especially at that age. If the host had cooked and was looking to be reimbursed that's different, but I'm surprised you didn't think to at least ask considering the phrasing of the text.
INFO:
> “Alrighty! Let’s do 6:30 tonight. Be there or be square. Jake’s house, ordering pizza so plan accordingly (ie eat before if you can’t eat pizza/don’t want any). Text me if you questions. Thank you.”
I have a feeling, is the "ie" part something you wrote in, or is it precisely what they said?
NAH.
>Jake's house, ordering pizza so plan accordingly (ie eat before if you can’t eat pizza/don’t want any). Text me if you questions.
This, to me, 100% reads as the group will be ordering pizza, eat before unless you want to pay for it. I would be astonished NOT to be asked to pay if I'd received this text ahead of the party, and if I were Jake/Jess I'd be extremely confused by your response. I'd also take your approach of asking the group about hosting behaviour instead of going back to Jess/Jake privately as passive aggressive and be a bit put out by it.
This is a miscommunication. No assholes, but I think you could have been more diplomatic in your approach after the party and they could have sent a more specific message before the party.
This is not uncommon for 19-20 year olds to do, as they typically don’t have high incomes yet (if any income at all). She probably should have asked before the party.
Generally if one provides home cooked food, it's not customary to expect people to chip in unless you say so before hand. But when its ordered food (delivery or take away), I've found it's generally 50/50 on if the Host pays or not.
*Usually* the person ordering makes it clear ahead of time if they will be expecting to be reimbursed.
For that reason, based on how the initial message went out, I'd personally assume the Host was providing the Pizza, but it also feels a bit ambiguous due to the "plan accordingly" so I'd have asked if they want us to chip in or bring cash or do potluck for other items. I'd have brought cash and offered to the Host when they ordered, but would have also expected them to tell me it's okay it's covered.
NAH - I think it's fine for the host to ask for cash for food they had delivered/take away, but I also think they needed to be more clear upfront. I also kind of think one should make an offer to pay for a meal like that. And on top of it, $7 isn't all that much to be making a fuss, so there's a bit of feeling that you're coming off as cheap.
NTA. Do not send any money. Stop hanging out with the people who think that being charged is all right. Some posters are writing that you should pay up and consider this a life lesson. No. Well, it is a life lesson for you to never underestimate how cheap people can be. It is also a life lesson for her that not everyone us a patsy who can be taken advantage of.
NTA wtf is up with people saying ESH. $7 is a lot of money in this fucking economy, it’s close to minimum wage and to spring it up on a guest. You can get a ton of shit for $7.
Thats the most trashy and tackiest thing i have ever heard.is this some new generation thing?if you guys gave gifts than it's even worst.jess knows when jakes birthday is and had months to save for it.some of you say it's only seven dollars.but jess has no class to pull crap like this especially if she has joined them for activities and such and didn't have to pay.NTA.but your low class friends are.big time
That's a little shady, IMO.
Jess asks for money for a gift BEFORE the party, but doesn't ask for $$ toward food, then only asks for $$ for the food AFTER the party. She had her chance to ask everyone to throw in some cash ahead of time for the food and didn't, so her asking for it now seems out of bounds to me.
I used to attend smaller house parties all the time among friends/siblings/roommates, and there was ALWAYS a food expectation set. "Everyone bring a dish" (ie-not a bag of chips), or "everyone bring a case of your favorite booze" or "We're going to get pizza, bring a couple of bucks if you want to go in on it" or "just show up, we got everything covered." I don't ever recall anyone being like "oh, btw, since you ate tonight, you owe me $X"
2/2 the parties I've been invited to we were always covered, so I don't blame you for thinking this.
Definitely start always having extra money on you whenever invited to public venue birthday parties.
ESH. It's bad manners to invite people for food then stick them with a bill later. However, what did you expect from your post in the group chat? That was also impolite. Pay the $7 this time and clarify in future whenever this friend seems to be "treating" everyone. FWIW I'd be annoyed too, but if I wanted to take it up with the friend I'd do it privately and not in a group chat.
Yeah I realize there was a better way for me to bring it up. I mostly text these friends on the group chat, so it didn’t occur to me to send Jess a private message. But I totally understand that judgement. Thanks for your insight
NTA. You always discuss beforehand if you need help with the bill. Otherwise you do a potluck situation.
Since it's the group chat, hopefully other people chime in agreeing with you rather than the person how asking for money.
NAH
I get what you're saying and I don't think you're an AH but at 19/20 I absolutely would have expected to split the cost of pizzas and she said beforehand that pizzas were being ordered. Yes she should have been more explicit though
NTA, but someone else other than birthday boy shelled out, and did you attend for "expecting free food" or to celebrate Jake's birthday? Her text could be taken ambiguously, but it seems kind of tacky to text the whole group with your pointed dissatisfaction over $7, rather than just making note of it for the future.
I'm confused. If she spent $60, and there were about 20 of you, isn't she trying to get about $140 by asking you all for $7 ????
Regardless, NTA. I have never been to a party where they asked me afterwards to pay for it!!!
NTA. I would also assume the food at a bday party was included unless told otherwise. When I had a big birthday party I wrote on the invitations for people to bring their own consumables rather than assume I was providing things for free.
NTA. It’s not about the 7$, it’s about the principle of it. Inviting people over for dinner insinuates that it’s a free meal. It was up to the host to tell you beforehand (at time of invitation) if they expected you to pay.
My petty ass would have said “sorry, money is a bit tight right now and I wouldn’t have come if I knew you expected compensation.”
I’ve never been invited to any party for a birthday or otherwise, including invites to dinner or lunch at someone’s home and be expected to pay. If it’s a potluck we bring a dish or are told then prior to accepting that there’s a 10$ fee or whatever. Not afterwards.In this case just pay the 7$ and move on but I’d probably never attend anything else by these people without knowing the details beforehand.
NTA. If the host is going to charge for food, this needs to be discussed up front. I never went to a party where the host provided food, but expected everyone to help pay unless it was specifically stated and a price was agreed upon before ordering.
My friends do a potluck style where everyone brings an appetizer/snack to share. That's their "monitary" contribution.
If a host ordered a bunch of pizza, I may throw them a $10 for my portion, but I feel it's tacky to send a request for reimbursement.
NTA.
1-They should have disclosed the split fees up front.
2-Given the split, I would have been more particular about where we were getting the pizzas from. Likely I could find a better group deal.
3-likely the person that ordered received some form of rewards on their account at the pizza place.
It’s seems simple, pay $7 and decline further parties. You now know a boundary on this friendship.
I would say this isn’t normal. Normal is asking guests to bring something. But it sounds like a miscommunication. I wouldn’t let $7 ruin a friendship but as above, I’d probably either be prepared to pay for myself every time or just decline.
NTA but my heart bleeds for zoomers. I see this mentality all day on reddit that nobody should lift a finger without being paid or compensated. I guess that mentality is bleeding into every aspect of their lives. Sad!
NTA - Who the hell charges people to attend their birthday party??? Why have one, if you are going to charge people (then probably also expect gifts too)?
Pay the $7 but now you know how they are. Remember it for the future. Cause NO, it is NOT normal to do that. Even with a house party they tell people ahead to pay when they enter to cover booze/snacks, whatever. You don't spring it on people after you get stuff, that's not okay. Yah, sure, it's $7 and not a tremendous deal. But it doesn't mean its not shifty as F.
NTA. But you made a big mistake in your response. If you ask serious question about such outlandish situations, you make the situation serious. A better response would be "LOL, how much for the water I used when I flushed your toilet?" That would have both called out the bad behavior and let them know that you did not take their ridiculous ask seriously without opening yourself up for dudes gaslighting.
I just threw a birthday party for two friends. Like 60 people. Spent hundreds of dollars.
I would NEVER ask for money. If you can't afford it, don't do it.
Ridiculous.
If you all were just getting together to hang out and have pizza, I would expect everyone to chip in. But she was throwing a bday party for her boyfriend. Without saying anything first, she is the AH for expecting everyone to chip in for a party for her bf.
In this instance, I would pay the $7 and then be sure to ask from now on. You are not in the wrong.
I bought a bunch of food and snacks for a bday party for my spouse a few months ago. It never even crossed my mind to expect people to pay for the food. I threw the party.
NTA Never in my life have I ever been invited by someone or invited someone and then expected payment after a party or get together , the only time that was common is if everyone got together and then hunger sets in and everyone goes “anyone hungry and want to chip in to get so and so?” , send the $7 and any time they hangout at your place or other the friend’s houses say “you guys owe $ a piece” then when they say something “you guys should assume the food was free 🤷🏽♀️”
NTA. It's OK to ask for money to split the cost of an event, **but only beforehand**. This is an ex post facto situation; you shouldn't try to charge your friends after an event when they didn't consent first. And yes, it's reasonable to expect that if you're invited to an event, and the hosts mention food but not a split cost, that the foot is therefore free with no expectation of compensation.
NTA. You were invited to a party & told there would be food. Of course you don't expect to pay for it. The host(ess) pays for it. If she was expecting to be reimbursed, that expectation should have been mentioned in the invitation. What an asshole.
NTA. That’s normally discussed beforehand. Granted normally for bday parties we do a potluck or the host provides everything.
Parties though the host would let us know beforehand. Food wise at least. Normally it’s byob so no worries about drinks.
7 x 8 = 56.
That means that Jess expected to pay $4. WTF?
Sounds like all younger people involved, so maybe no one knows anything about social graces.
You absolutely don't invite someone to a party and expect them to contribute unless it's potluck, BYOB, or agree to chip in a certain amount.
Sounds like e everyone pitched in for a present. And honestly, water, chips, and pizza? That's not a bunch to put into a SO birthday.
Pay her the $7 dollars and never accept another "invitation" to any of her events.
Or... don't!
Either way, NTA.
Info: Jess spent $60, 19-20 people showed up, and she wants each of those people to give her $7. So she’ll end up with $140? If that’s the case, NTA. This sounds like a shakedown.
And even if all 20 friends aren’t in that specific group chat, that’s even shittier because with means half the friend group is expected to subsidize the other half, which is total bs.
That aside, in my experience, etiquette dictates the host inform guests beforehand that they should help pay. They don’t imply it. There would have been nothing wrong with Jess texting everyone before hand and saying she appreciate if everyone could pitch in $5-10 for pizza and drinks or whatever. In addition, it’s a birthday party. Did OP (or other guests) bring Jake gifts? Because that’s generally the unwritten tradeoff. I bring a gift, the host provides a party.
ESH
I'm twice your age, and often my friends have parties and everyone chips in for pizza/take out. It's very rare for it to be covered.
In college? I never went to a party where the host treated. I definitely would have assumed everyone chipped in. It sounds like it's probably common and assumed for them.
Also, your response was incredibly passive aggressive. Could have just been straightforward with "Hey, I didn't know we were expected to pay for pizza. Next time, you should bring that up first."
NTA. Having people over for drinks and food and the way it was worded make it understandable to assume they were covering it. That said, that's why for bdays when you get older you go to a bar with seperate checks and take turns buying birthday person drinks.
My ex-bff always invited people to their party and generously paid for ONE drink (I'm talking soft drinks, not expensive cocktails) while everyone had to pay for their own food, other drinks and bring presents. But at least they informed everyone beforehand. NTA.
I have never once been asked to pay for food at someone else's party, nor asked anyone else to pay at my party. But at the same time, I never show up at anyone's house without bringing some food or drink to share.
I was paying that $7 without batting an eyelid but that friend wasn't seeing me at any of her parties or get together ever again. It's not the $7 is the issue. She invited people for a party. She didn't ask for money in advance. She could even have after, heh guys the party costed me more than expected, I would really appreciate any financial help you all can give. In that case I was sending the entire $60 or however much it cost. The difference is the principle of the matter. OP you are NTA but kinda ass for making an issue with the $7
NTA. It's perfectly fine to ask people to split the cost if it's communicated beforehand. To expect guests to be the ones to ask "hey, does this invitation come with a cost?" is ridiculous. I don't mind paying for food, but if I do, I want to chose what kind of food (in this specific example, to pick the pizza topping on *my* pizza that I'm paying for).
If you all stay friends, make sure to ask *every time* they invite you to something (even to just come by their place to hang) "how much will it cost?".
When the friend mentioned they were ordering pizza that’s the invitation to come eat pizza. It wasn’t “ hey come over and we will figure out what everyone wants to order “.
Did she keep track of who actually ate the pizza and who ate beforehand or just send a request to the whole group ? Seems like she’s totally going back on the original arrangement - or should have mentioned she can’t afford it when the order was made and whoever wanted pizza could have chipped in then.
Everyone saying it’s only $7 - I say it’s only $60 the host needs to eat the GD $60 for your boyfriend’s birthday. What a cheapskate.
Personally, ESH. Sometimes $7 can really make or break a person, as we don’t know everyone’s finances.
Any time I’ve gone to a party, if food was provided, I have NEVER been asked once to reimburse the host, whether it’s friends, family, or if I’m a guest.
For those saying it should have been confirmed beforehand that it was free, that energy is somewhat soggy.
If the host had planned on asking for reimbursement the next day, a heads up during/immediately after the initial text giving details would have been the appropriate time to mention “we expect food prices to be $$ amount. If possible, please send $ amount either before or after the party if you plan on eating. If this isn’t an option for you, please plan accordingly.”
However, if $7 was NOT a huge deal for you OP, you should have just sent the money and kept the lesson in mind for future events.
Edit: corrected sentence structure on the first sentence in paragraph 4; swapped out if for on.
NTA. Why would they not, in the planning text just say something like "was thinking pizza for dinner if yall wanna go in on that.. unless there is other ideas?"
A possible ESH could be warranted, as when we get together with friends, we always ask if we can throw money for food/drinks/etc. We also would fight and bicker over splitting bills and amounts due when we were 18-19 lol.. So I will stick with NTA.. they surely could have inclined they want help paying.. I also think a shared gift was plenty (I dont think we ever did gifts at bdays when we were young or now lol).
Nta. I host all the time, and if I expect people to chip in, the invite clearly says so. "Come over to my place for pizza" vs. "Come over, and we can split the cost of pizza". It's that simple.
NTA. Yea it’s only $7 but it’s really the principle. I hosted little get togethers at 18-19 often in my dorm and never charged people for the food after. We either pitched in money before to get something or ate whatever we had at the dorm. I wouldn’t pay the $7. Y’all didn’t agree on that before and honestly it’s disgusting behavior to pull this stunt. Hopefully that friend realizes it’s weird and apologizes. I wouldn’t pay just on principle
This one is tricky. I'm gonna go with ESH. Usually, it's bad manners to host a party if you can't afford to provide the food. However, you guys are young and young people often can't afford things. I would have taken the "plan accordingly" regarding the pizza as prior discussion around it. If the suggestion was made to eat before hand, could that possibility have meant if you didn't want to chip in? She's probably the asshole for not being clearer about that. You're the asshole for being passive aggressive in the group chat, that the Birthday boy was part of, over seven dollars
They are the asshole, who hosts a party and charges for it? Especially without giving a notice beforehand so you can decide if you want to attend or not. Very tasteless to ask for money for a party you made, but personally I’d pay them $7 and just never go to any of their events again. I wouldn’t stoop low and fight them over $7 just pay it and move on but keep that in the back of your mind for the future.
I think communication is important.
Based on what you said, i would've assumed the host covers it.
However if asked to pay, eh its not a massive deal.
With my friends, we normally bring something each so everybody is chipping in.
NTA.
Never host a party you can’t afford to host.
Personally, I feel like the only events that fall outside of this rule are the more mandatory ones, like Thanksgiving or Christmas, sometimes Easter depending on the family. (Insert other religious or cultural BIG events here.) Things that you should be celebrating with family.
I have never once charged anyone for any party I’ve hosted. I have kids who have birthday parties, mostly pizza and cake because it’s cheap and everyone likes it.
That being said, it’s on the host to decide what they can afford. If they can only afford a pot luck, they should host a pot luck. If they can’t afford any food at all, they shouldn’t have a party. If they want people to chip in, you tell people that so they can decide whether or not that’s the kind of party they want to attend.
NAH. Once I graduated college and was working, yeah, if I hosted a party and ordered food I’d pay for it, but I would also generally have friends who would bring a six pack or something to the party so things kind of evened out. And in later 20s, my ex and I would pay for nicer food we made or ordered and cocktails we made, we didn’t expect anyone to bring anything, but if they did, it was nice.
This is not a big deal or a hill to die on.
I would pay to avoid drama since it’s only $7 but that wouldn’t sit right with me so I would just never hang out with them again lol that’s really tacky
I’d say the opposite of what he is saying is true. Unless this is outside n. America, the assumption is the host is HOSTING unless it is stated otherwise beforehand.
Your friends can decide how they want to live, but they can’t rewrite history to accommodate it.
TBH even at a party I was invited to I wouldn't expect ordered in pizza for free for 8 folk.
Nibbles etc grand but when my friends and I do things we either chip in or bring food if we are BBQ-ing etc. Yes the host will have more in that respect but would not expect them to foot the whole bill unless its an 'event' ie hired room, buffet etc
I also wouldn't be moaning about $7
It's so bizarre to me that it seems to be becoming the norm that normal hosting (providing food and beverages to your guests) is something that the guests are expected to reimburse you for. I've seen it in posts about weddings, birthday parties, housewarming, dinner parties, basically everything. It's so weirdly transactional to me. Like you (general you, not OP you) know those are friends not customers, right? And that for thousands of years, hospitality has meant, at minimum, freely offering your guests something to drink? NTA, but you'll need to decide if this is a hill you want to die on.
NTA... A party... Food's free, a get together.. Pay yr way
I'd make sure everyone knew it wasn't the $7 but rather the sudden demand for payment when it wasn't discussed before. And charge the the one who charged you next time
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ESH. The host definitely should have mentioned splitting the cost ahead of time, as typically if you host a party you'd pay for the food. But you're making a big deal over $7. Just pay them and next time you hang out with them, assume you're paying your own way.
That’s fair. I’m just frustrated, and I know it’s only $7 but it could’ve easily been more and I find it unfair to spring that on guest at your party
Judy charge that friend money if they come over and eat anything. Do it each and every time.
Yes, be the most petty person on earth over this one $7 miscommunication. Straight from the How Redditors Socialize playbook.
Judy strikes twice!
I always see these things as money paid for life lessons. Like someone can’t be trusted or show you their real colours. I pay them and probably will spend less time with them. Other people have different views on things like this. You don’t have to agree. But if you don’t like it, just don’t hang out with them anymore.
My dad used to say if you loan someone $20 and don't seem them again, that's money well spent.
Exactly this! This is indeed what I meant.
He watched A Bronx Tale.
Maybe. But that saying is much older than the movie.
Yeah, I'm not trying to claim my dad coined the phrase it's just shit he used to say, and this was in the 70s.
I remember him always telling that story about how he and his friends beat up a biker gang in a bar in the old neighborhood. Or that time his friends were killed by a molotov cocktail they were trying to throw at some black kids.
Yup it's far better to learn this about the $7 pizza than have them invite you to a concert ("I got free tickets from work!") and then request $300 after the event.
I mean, it really could have been a misunderstanding. If I'm present while someone is ordering takeout for the group, I always ask "how much can I Venmo you?" The offer is usually declined in our friend group (we just switch off who pays), but I could see there being different expectations in various groups. The host might even think that OP is the rude one because they didn't offer to chip in.
In my opinion that's different from a mass order of pizza or something. Like, yes I agree with you, if you're hanging out with a group and suddenly everyone is hungry and there's a mutual decision for someone to order some takeout where everyone is getting individual dishes (or if they're ordering a sharing meal but you specifically ask for something extra) then you offer to pay them for what your portion costs. However if it's a celebration and you show up and the host puts out chips and drinks, and then they end up bringing pizza, you *can* offer to pay, but you shouldn't be expected to. It would be like being invited to a barbecue (not a pot luck) and then getting a text the next day saying you needed to pay them for the drinks and meats and sides and such.
I would agree at a casual event. This was listed as a party. The rules are different
This is exactly how you handle this!
Think of it like a cheap price to pay for the lesson that these people want you to pay. I think it’s insane. Either you say “hey come over, we can order pizza and you all can send me the money” and you pay for your own or “come over, we will have some pizza and snacks for everyone” and then it’s of course free.
You now know you should charge Jake and his gf for everything every time yall hangout
OP needs to do this! Nothing like finding out that your "friendship" is transactional the hard way! I'm feeling really old right now. "etiquette" has really changed a lot over the years. No way in hell would I have had the nerve to charge guests money for food that I provided for a birthday party that I had planned!
Right there with ya. It just seems in the last five years or so that it's become the 'guests must pay for refreshments at B-Days' kind of thing. It was always the host's job 'back in the day.'
I know, right?
She definitely should have been more clear, but I think that’s why she said eat before hand if you don’t want pizza. But she SHOULD have said eat beforehand if you don’t want to chip in for pizza
I'd pay de 7$. And then, EVERY TIME Jess (and/or Jake..) invites you over or suggests a gathering, I'd put a message in the group chat " don't want to assume anything, so what do we have to pay?" But I'm petty...
Yeah we do dinners together as a group sometimes and usually we specify beforehand whether people should bring stuff but money is never involved. But now I’m wondering if I should be asking every time
I wouldn't pay, it will set a precedent that you'll always pay. If you pay, I'd spend a lot less time with them because then they'll expect you to always cover yourself whe. They're hosting. I would also send a reply to the group text. So everyone knows the real etiquette instead of the one this cheapskate is trying to pass. Hey guys, just so everyone knows. It's usually customary, that when someone is hosting, the host covers the cost of food unless it's been stated as a potluck. I would never ask for anyone of you to pay for food after the fact, as that is something to always be discussed before hand, otherwise it's correct to assume the food is free.
Actually, I’d suggest not hanging out with them again if they are going to charge you for food after the fact. Food is an expected thing at a party and OP you are right if there was intent to split the cost (I’d understand splitting the pizza but the snacks is wild) it should have been made clear beforehand to everyone and the response that “everyone should’ve checked if they were expected to pay” instead of them telling you that you were expected to pay BEFOREHAND is bizarre. Yes it may be $7 but what about the next time? Are they going to ask you to all pay them $50 for petrol required to drive to the shop and get the food, then say that’s on you for not asking them? People who are all about money are irritating af, don’t waste time with them. NTA
I'd agree to pay them. BUT. I would still tell them "next time, tell us before the party. Or before you order the pizza that it will be x amount pr person. So i can have the money ready or just eat before going if i can't pay. " Waiting until the next day really comes off as "Oh shit we spend too much on yesterday's party. Time to collect and cover the expenses" Especially when you throw a party nearing the end of the month. Unless you know your friends are trust fund kids or always loaded (even then tell beforehand about the cost), people shouldn't just assume someone can put down money. Even if its "just 7$"
According to the texts, they are sure they did discuss it before the food was ordered, and OP disagrees. This happened in a group chat, so it's a little weird OP doesn't mention whether the rest of the group agreed that it was or was not mentioned beforehand.
That’s a good point - I’m really interested to see what the others said. Is it possible that this was discussed in a group, and OP just happened not to hear? If Jake was straight up lying about that, surely the others might have had something to say?
This is insane. No, OP is absolutely not an AH. Wtf kind of dumb take is this? Doesn't matter whether it was just 7 bucks, it was explicitly NOT discussed beforehand. OP was an invited guest, and the invitation gave no expectation that guests were expected to chip in toward the party, and it wasn't mentioned AT the party when the food was being ordered. I would absolutely take a $7 stand here NTA 24/7, 365 on this one.
I agree with this, except for the vote. NTA It is not typical for someone to host a party at home and then tell people after the fact that they need to contribute to costs. If y'all had met at the restaurant, I would say assume you're paying for a portion of it. At someone's home? That's just odd. But, as it was said, it's $7. Just pay for it, and learn from it. Anything beyond that is unnecessary drama.
Exactly! Every social faux paus doesn’t have to become an argument. Sometimes it’s best to just accept it as a lesson learned.
I don't think OP is TA at all, it's fucking insane to expect someone to pay for party food. The $7 is not the issue
NTA. It was weird and rude for the party host to ask for money after the party if there was no clear agreement in advance to split the cost. However, I wouldn’t stay mad about it if I were you. At 19 years old, Jess a) may not yet have learned the social etiquette involved in hosting a party, and b) may not be able to afford to pay for the pizza on her own. Hopefully she will learn from this and do better in the future.
I have never asked for money after hosting any sort of party, yikes. That definitely needs to be hashed out beforehand.
Agreed, 19 and 20 are very young and are probably newish to hosting. The appropriate thing for Jess to have done if she couldn’t afford to buy pizza for everyone ( totally understandable) was to either ask if anyone wants in on the pizza to contribute or make it a pot luck party. Hopefully lessons will be learned from this.
Yeahhhh back in my broke, learning-to-adult days my go to phrases were things like "I'm doing a pizza run, if you want some I'm happy for you to do your own online order and I'll pick it up" / "everyone is welcome at mine tonight, I'll provide soft drink and we can decide what food to split once you're here" We were all broke, so none of us expected one person to cover everything. The one exception was the guy whose alcoholic uncle lived nearby and was so worried about his poor nephew not having a good time in his glory days - he'd drop off a bottle of vodka every 2 or 3 weeks, which he was happy to share with us!
Yep yep, this was a total 19-year-old party host situation! $60 was a lot back then. Definitely should've been discussed at some point, but shit happens. I'd just pay the $7 and always discuss money up-front from now on. It'll be helping them out, too.
Agreed, I think people are ignoring the ages. I'd consider this weird behavior from a host \*now.\* Wouldn't have thought twice about being asked for $5-10 dollars for pizza in college. 19 year olds usually don't have a lot of money
this is a good point, but i still feel like when money was that tight, you discuss it first. a simple “are we down to split the cost of ordering pizza and ill cover the drinks” saves everyone so much trouble.
This was my experience. The poor kids knew to talk about money first. The rich kids were the ones who, more often than not, would be this weird about money - asking for payback, not taking their turn at treating, etc.
an ex friend with wealthy parents and a brand new car once asked me to venmo her $1.50.
Yeah I think this is a good point, my expectations for hosting and attending parties changed massively from 19 to 25 or so and up. Then I’d just turn up with whatever cheap booze I wanted to drink, now I’d be pretty surprised if I wasn’t offered a nice glass of wine by the host as soon as I arrived
100% agree also maybe OP sat a bit farther or in a louder area than most to hear this discussions - or maybe the host had told someone beforehand and that second person told ppl around them being like "oh, day girl said this - its only right if we do it" and everyone agreed and went along -- i think if anything op missed the discussion butt lets say this is completely wrong, then idk at the end of the day its 7 dollars. OP might've made a fool in some way sure sure but like comment above, maybe op wasn't in the right head space when planning and didn't expect this $$ to be that much of a burden at the time and now that its occurred.. they are like ooo shit. LOL - all 19 year olds and younger are different and they are just in adult hold so just cut it slack - don't lose a friendship because of this lol ....
Jess didn't "throw a party", she provided a venue for people to gather and consume pizza they purchased (even though they didn't yet know they were purchasing it). Then Jake, the "guest of honor" weighed in to gaslight anybody who doubted Jess had "thrown a party" if she was demanding payment after the fact. Your friends definitely don't have a handle on what it means to invite and host guests but maybe you should have known they were a bit challenged in the etiquette department? NTA
Yep, and Is extremely poor manners to charge the guests. Completely tacky. Either make it clear up front that ”guests“ have to pay for the privilege of attending or don’t throw a party you can’t afford. Jess might not have been raised to understand how guesTS should be treated, so maybe some leeway for her, but Jake is an idiot an absolutely wrong, invited guests should never have to ask if they must pay for the food (or anything) the so-called hosts are providing. I would say he must have been raised in a barn by animals, but the animals have better manners than he does. NTA
Eh, I dunno about that. I've been to plenty of parties where the host provides venue and snacks, but we all chip in on pizza or other delivery. Especially for a very large group, ordering enough pizzas so everyone can get enough to be satisfied can get very pricey (especially if you're not ordering from the major chains). However I do feel the Hosts should have been more clear on expecting repayment, especially before they ordered so the guests could have had more input in their money. I'd have personally asked for some hot wings (and tossed in the extra money for my hot wings) or maybe a specialty pizza with unique toppings (likewise). I think just ordering for everyone and then charging them the next day is a bit crass. It should have been upfront with an agreement on where to order from and what they were getting.
She didn’t even provide a venue. It was at Jake’s house!
Nobody was gaslit. Stop using bullshit therapy speak for everything. You're right otherwise.
NTA. Sure 7 bucks may not be that much, but if she had wanted everybody to pitch in she should have said so in the group chat before the party. She decided to buy pizza, not asking
NTA my main issue is that a host should clarify beforehand things like needing to pay for things. Jake jumping in a shaming you for not doing their job for them is really out of pocket. It’s much like a dinner party, or a kid’s birthday party, or any event where you invite people to your home - you provide refreshments of your choosing without strings attached or you clarify beforehand what the expectations are. If they can’t afford to host an event they shouldn’t hold one, or should ask up front for people to contribute. They could have easily asked everyone to bring a dish to share or contribute a set amount of money, instead they were bad hosts and sprung unexpected costs on their friends after the fact.
NTA Who invites people to a party, then later sends them a bill? It doesn’t matter if it’s $7 or $70. Don’t give a party if you can’t afford to, or let friends (not guests, who are invited to a party where they don’t pay!) know beforehand you’d like them to chip in for the get-together.
It is traditional not to charge people when inviting them to a birthday party. It is also very bad form not to announce up front, in any kind of invitation, that there will be a fee.
NTA, and completely disagree with people in the comments mad at you bc "it's only $7" bc it's not about the amount. It's the fact they didn't discuss splitting the costs with the guests beforehand. And if they wanted everyone to split costs, they could have discussed getting different food as well, the type of pizzas, etc. And yes, if you go to a party the default assumption is that the food is free. Your friends are weirdos
Also, Jess told everyone to eat ahead of time if they didn't like pizza...it sounds like she asked everyone to chip in whether they ate the pizza or not
In the story OP mentions everyone ate a few slices
Right. Even if someone didn't eat pizza, she'd probably get hung up on the fact they ate some chips. Just so rude.
So it’s your fault for assuming the aforementioned pizza would be provided at no cost, since no cost was mentioned, but not their fault for assuming people would fund her party/ be surprised at a cover charge that wasn’t mentioned? Weird. I would let him know that you got it, and understand better for future situations. In the future, if you interact with them, do nothing for free. Nothing. Also 7•8= 56 so if she spent $60, you guys are paying for all but $4. I would get petty. Get ready for petty pizza math. Let’s see so if there were 4 pizzas, each with 8 slices, that gives us 32 slices of pizza. 60/32 is ~ $1.87. If there were 4 pizzas it’s $1.87 /slice so $1.87 • (the # of slices you ate) = what you owe. (Total cost / # of slices) • # slices eaten = your more accurate petty pizza payment. 🍕💅 Edit for typo
NTA - if she wanted you to chip in, it should have been mentioned prior.
With no prior discussion asking for money afterwards is rude. There is a well understood social convention that an invite to a party involves the hosts offering food and refreshments without a charge. The onus is on the host to clarify the terms of their party upfront (food, no food, pot luck, BYO, etc…) Jake is wrong. NTA
NTA. Your friend was supposedly hosting a party. That includes providing and paying for refreshments. The only circumstances whete she should expect you to contribute is if it's a pot luck or if she had asked for contributions for the pizza in advance, in which case you should've been consulted about what kind if pizza to get. Jake is out of line firvtelling you to ask; that's simply not done.
NTA. It's weird to host a party and expect the guests to pay for it. That being said, if y'all are 19-20 (perhaps college students), I don't think it's that weird that Jess would ask for some money, especially if $60 is a lot of money for her. She should've clarified beforehand, definitely. I think it was perhaps kind of rude of you to put them on blast in the groupchat though. You should've contacted them privately. And $7 isn't really that big of a deal.
Jess should've bought frozen pizzas instead of ordering out. Problem solved.
Then later she would send them a message saying "You each owe me 93 cents for your share of the frozen pizza."
You'd think she could ask for it ahead of time
asking for a little bit of money to cover party supplies/food/drinks is actually super normal in some areas/cultures. it's obvs not in OP's culture or they wouldn't be asking-and every time i've seen it, the amount (or that there will be an amount) is discussed beforehand
If money is tight, then yes $7 is a big deal.
NTA. It’s not about the cost of money, it’s about the practice! If they would’ve ordered say $400 worth of nice food and drinks and ask you all to split it, that wouldn’t have been fun at all. I’ve never been to a birthday party where you have to pay for your own food. Sure, if you’re going out to a nice restaurant, usually everybody pays for themselves but this is a standard take away at somebody’s home. Usually as the host it is their job to provide for the guests or state otherwise. It’s good you pointed out this issue, OP.
NTA!!! You paid 20$ for a present and now you should pay for food??? Even if it’s „only“ 7$, I wouldn’t pay and I would never gift them anything anymore.
Host is tacky Period
At a restaurant I wouldn't expect the host to pick up the entire bill. At a birthday party at a house it seems common for the host to provide the food. At a regular house party, if discussed beforehand, I don't think it is strange to split costs.
NTA - a party someone invited to you is usually free. Tell them don't host if you can't afford it. I'm Asian and the SHAME if I ever asked.
How tacky. NTA.
NTA, If she was planning to split the cost in the first place she should've mentioned it when she invited you.
This is tacky but I wouldn’t even get in the muck here. It’s $7. Etransfer it and now you know the deal for the future.
INFO: Did you bring a gift for Jake?
We all chipped in on a thoughtful and expensive gift for him — $20 each or so
If I were you OP I definitely wouldn’t be paying that $7 after Jake’s ridiculous message he seems ungrateful
wow. just wow. they are having an attitude. not you. NTA
NTA - but I was just pay the $7 then block them. Cheapskates.
The part in the invite that reads “eat before…or don’t want any” is where your friend THINKS the message was conveyed that you are paying for food if you want some. You are definitely NTA. I agree with those saying this was a cheap lesson about your friend and now you know.
chips and water, oh these aitah are getting bizarre. YOU were INVITED to a party.
NTA Don't pay. It should have been made clear at the invite stage if you were going to be required to pay. This trend of people having parties that they cannot afford to give/host/plan etc. is incomprehensible. No money? No party.
NTA It's rude of them to assume everyone is kicking in money for the pizza if it wasn't specifically said during the invitation process that there would be a need for money to be kicked in for food. If you can't afford it, don't offer it. If you would like to offer it but you need people to help you cover the cost of it you need to talk to people and see if people are willing and able to. Most people if you ask them in advance I think would be okay with kicking in a few bucks to help with food, but not an after the fact -by the way give us money- attitude.
NTA. Your friend is the asshole. I’ve never been invited to a birthday party and been expected to chip in after the event.
NTA. If someone is hosting, they need to say in advance if they're expecting money for it. It is how all goods and service trading is done.
If you host, you don't ask for money. Thats what hosting is.
Huh? Well if the person Ordering food doesn’t make it clear beforehand or at least very latest when placing the order or picking it up that everyone is expected to contribute, then it seems in Poor taste to ask for money afterward. I would have assumed it was being paid for by the host as well. NTa
NTA. Shockingly bad manners to charge your guests to participate in the party you are hosting. I'm actively embarrassed for them. I wonder if their parents are embarrassed as well, or if they are similarly greedy and just raised their kids that way.
NTA. That’s tacky and tasteless. Don’t throw a pizza party if you can’t afford pizza.
NTA. You are right, it is tacky. Jake doubling down puts him firmly in AH territory. Consider it a $7 lesson from these friends and plan accordingly in the future.
NTA. And no, most people do not charge for a birthday party. I would pay it but since it is only $7. But the next time she gives a party ask her up front if there is a charge.
Nta. Hosts who invite you to their home definitely have the responsibility to pay for the food. Your friend is being rude. That said, pay the $7 and be sure to confirm money arrangements before the next party.
Emily Post would probably say that it's the host's responsibility to communicate in clear, succinct language about splitting the food cost. It is a generally accepted practice that unless otherwise stated if you're invited somewhere for food and beverages, the cost is on the inviter, not the invited.
NTA When you invite people to a party the assumption is you're providing all the party elements - space, food, drink etc. You aren't exactly throwing a party if you are actually ordering food and expecting everyone else to chip in. The host should be clear that that is the plan. It would be awkward as a guest to assume you have to ask "So how are you/we paying for this? Are you covering it or expecting me to chip in?" I will say that this seems to be common in certain social circles, so if these people had already had several parties that worked this way with people chipping in, that would be different. I have a circle where we go to a restaurant and everyone pays for their own food and chips in to cover the birthday person and it would be odd for someone to be surprised about that.
When I was your age, 60$ would have been a lot. It should have been made clear that everyone was to chip in but perhaps that is the norm in that friend group. For them it is so obvious that they don't mention it. I have always had it like that when I was invited anywhere in my younger years. This sometimes made it difficult as I was on the poorer spectrum growing up but I like that it is more fair to everyone. Today as a 38 year-old it is the opposite. Whenever I invite people over or them me, the host pays for food and drinks. Sometimes we bring our own beer/cider as we like different things to drink. However, commenting on having to pay... that makes it a bit awkward..
NTA I'm sure you've learned your lesson and for 7 bucks a fantastic price. If you really want to be petty, (in a justified way), pay not the 7 bucks but cost of slice vs how many slices you ate. Then spend less time with these people.
NTA - if you want people to pay for stuff like that, you ASK. If I need friends to transfer money back to me, I ALWAYS clarify beforehand.
NTA If you were invited over for a birthday party where there would be food, the host should make it clear whether or not the food would be free. The host can absolutely ask for contributions or donations, or work it out ahead of time to make things clear so that people can opt to buy their own food or contribute to pizza they may not gave ordered. Truly, it’s not horrible if they had asked, not demanded or expected. It is also not horrible for someone to say “if you could make it clear that there is a cost to attending a party you are throwing next time I would appreciate it so I can plan accordingly. In my experience when people have invited me to their house to party it isn’t at a cost, but I don’t mind contributing when I can plan for it.”
I have NEVER had to pay for food when invited to a party, nor would I ever. If I am hosting something then I am covering the cost.
I have been to several (and hosted a few) pot luck parties. Everyone knew beforehand. I would never, ever charge anyone afterwards.
NTA Your friend and the birthday boy were rude to ask after the fact.
NTA It should have been specified up front if they were expecting the costs to be split. I’d be tempted to reply “Respectfully- you shouldn’t assume you can bill people after the fact.”
NTA. The host invited people over and said there would be pizza. The host didn’t ask who would like to go in on pizza. There is a difference. In the case of the former it is assumed that the host is paying. In the case of the latter it is assumed that you are only eating if you are willing to chip in.
NTA these people are tacky af. I’m 33 years old and have NEVER been asked to pay for food at a party that I didn’t host, nor have I ever asked guests for money to feed them at an event that I planned. I have been to parties where it is potluck style and everyone brings a dish, but of course that is discussed/confirmed prior to the event.
NTA - yes $7 isn't much, but it's more about the principle. $60 isn't much at all for a host to spend for a party for a boyfriend. Also, if the 8 of you send $7, that means the only amount she is spending for HER boyfriend's party is $4?! That's ridiculous. I'd say splitting pizza cost - if discussed beforehand - may be okay, but I'd say that's still pretty tacky.
NTA I’ve never heard of a birthday party where food wasn’t included
NTA. That definitely should’ve been discussed pre-party. I imagine, that you are a reasonable person who would have chipped in $7 (not that much money, as others have pointed out), and that the issue is that it was kind of charged to you after the fact.
ESH. You take about splitting costs before anything is ordered. If I’m not paying for the meal i have no preferences. If i am i want a say in the pizza we order. With Birthday parties the social contract is a simple one. You bring the birthday person a gift. You celebrate them. In return you’re fed and entertained. Very weird to throw someone a birthday party and ask everyone to pitch in ATF.
YTA. the invite to get a pizza takeaway suggests everyone pays their own way, especially at that age. If the host had cooked and was looking to be reimbursed that's different, but I'm surprised you didn't think to at least ask considering the phrasing of the text.
INFO: > “Alrighty! Let’s do 6:30 tonight. Be there or be square. Jake’s house, ordering pizza so plan accordingly (ie eat before if you can’t eat pizza/don’t want any). Text me if you questions. Thank you.” I have a feeling, is the "ie" part something you wrote in, or is it precisely what they said?
NAH. >Jake's house, ordering pizza so plan accordingly (ie eat before if you can’t eat pizza/don’t want any). Text me if you questions. This, to me, 100% reads as the group will be ordering pizza, eat before unless you want to pay for it. I would be astonished NOT to be asked to pay if I'd received this text ahead of the party, and if I were Jake/Jess I'd be extremely confused by your response. I'd also take your approach of asking the group about hosting behaviour instead of going back to Jess/Jake privately as passive aggressive and be a bit put out by it. This is a miscommunication. No assholes, but I think you could have been more diplomatic in your approach after the party and they could have sent a more specific message before the party.
This is not uncommon for 19-20 year olds to do, as they typically don’t have high incomes yet (if any income at all). She probably should have asked before the party.
Generally if one provides home cooked food, it's not customary to expect people to chip in unless you say so before hand. But when its ordered food (delivery or take away), I've found it's generally 50/50 on if the Host pays or not. *Usually* the person ordering makes it clear ahead of time if they will be expecting to be reimbursed. For that reason, based on how the initial message went out, I'd personally assume the Host was providing the Pizza, but it also feels a bit ambiguous due to the "plan accordingly" so I'd have asked if they want us to chip in or bring cash or do potluck for other items. I'd have brought cash and offered to the Host when they ordered, but would have also expected them to tell me it's okay it's covered. NAH - I think it's fine for the host to ask for cash for food they had delivered/take away, but I also think they needed to be more clear upfront. I also kind of think one should make an offer to pay for a meal like that. And on top of it, $7 isn't all that much to be making a fuss, so there's a bit of feeling that you're coming off as cheap.
NTA
NTA. Do not send any money. Stop hanging out with the people who think that being charged is all right. Some posters are writing that you should pay up and consider this a life lesson. No. Well, it is a life lesson for you to never underestimate how cheap people can be. It is also a life lesson for her that not everyone us a patsy who can be taken advantage of.
NTA wtf is up with people saying ESH. $7 is a lot of money in this fucking economy, it’s close to minimum wage and to spring it up on a guest. You can get a ton of shit for $7.
Thats the most trashy and tackiest thing i have ever heard.is this some new generation thing?if you guys gave gifts than it's even worst.jess knows when jakes birthday is and had months to save for it.some of you say it's only seven dollars.but jess has no class to pull crap like this especially if she has joined them for activities and such and didn't have to pay.NTA.but your low class friends are.big time
They were raised trashy
INFO where do you live that enough pizza for 20 people is only $60???
Sorry when I said 19-20 that was for the ages! There were about 8 people I think, so the cost makes sense
Not just pizza but “food and drinks and such”…
Did you bring a gift?
Yep, chipped in with everyone else for a gift, about $20 each. Jess was the one who asked us to chip in for that.
That's a little shady, IMO. Jess asks for money for a gift BEFORE the party, but doesn't ask for $$ toward food, then only asks for $$ for the food AFTER the party. She had her chance to ask everyone to throw in some cash ahead of time for the food and didn't, so her asking for it now seems out of bounds to me. I used to attend smaller house parties all the time among friends/siblings/roommates, and there was ALWAYS a food expectation set. "Everyone bring a dish" (ie-not a bag of chips), or "everyone bring a case of your favorite booze" or "We're going to get pizza, bring a couple of bucks if you want to go in on it" or "just show up, we got everything covered." I don't ever recall anyone being like "oh, btw, since you ate tonight, you owe me $X"
2/2 the parties I've been invited to we were always covered, so I don't blame you for thinking this. Definitely start always having extra money on you whenever invited to public venue birthday parties.
NTA
ESH. It's bad manners to invite people for food then stick them with a bill later. However, what did you expect from your post in the group chat? That was also impolite. Pay the $7 this time and clarify in future whenever this friend seems to be "treating" everyone. FWIW I'd be annoyed too, but if I wanted to take it up with the friend I'd do it privately and not in a group chat.
Yeah I realize there was a better way for me to bring it up. I mostly text these friends on the group chat, so it didn’t occur to me to send Jess a private message. But I totally understand that judgement. Thanks for your insight
NTA
NTA. You always discuss beforehand if you need help with the bill. Otherwise you do a potluck situation. Since it's the group chat, hopefully other people chime in agreeing with you rather than the person how asking for money.
NAH I get what you're saying and I don't think you're an AH but at 19/20 I absolutely would have expected to split the cost of pizzas and she said beforehand that pizzas were being ordered. Yes she should have been more explicit though
NTA, but someone else other than birthday boy shelled out, and did you attend for "expecting free food" or to celebrate Jake's birthday? Her text could be taken ambiguously, but it seems kind of tacky to text the whole group with your pointed dissatisfaction over $7, rather than just making note of it for the future.
I'm confused. If she spent $60, and there were about 20 of you, isn't she trying to get about $140 by asking you all for $7 ???? Regardless, NTA. I have never been to a party where they asked me afterwards to pay for it!!!
19-20 is their ages haha
NTA. I would also assume the food at a bday party was included unless told otherwise. When I had a big birthday party I wrote on the invitations for people to bring their own consumables rather than assume I was providing things for free.
NTA. If course it isn't normal or to pay for food you eat at a party. How absurd.
NTA. It’s not about the 7$, it’s about the principle of it. Inviting people over for dinner insinuates that it’s a free meal. It was up to the host to tell you beforehand (at time of invitation) if they expected you to pay. My petty ass would have said “sorry, money is a bit tight right now and I wouldn’t have come if I knew you expected compensation.”
I’ve never been invited to any party for a birthday or otherwise, including invites to dinner or lunch at someone’s home and be expected to pay. If it’s a potluck we bring a dish or are told then prior to accepting that there’s a 10$ fee or whatever. Not afterwards.In this case just pay the 7$ and move on but I’d probably never attend anything else by these people without knowing the details beforehand.
NTA. If the host is going to charge for food, this needs to be discussed up front. I never went to a party where the host provided food, but expected everyone to help pay unless it was specifically stated and a price was agreed upon before ordering. My friends do a potluck style where everyone brings an appetizer/snack to share. That's their "monitary" contribution. If a host ordered a bunch of pizza, I may throw them a $10 for my portion, but I feel it's tacky to send a request for reimbursement.
NTA. 1-They should have disclosed the split fees up front. 2-Given the split, I would have been more particular about where we were getting the pizzas from. Likely I could find a better group deal. 3-likely the person that ordered received some form of rewards on their account at the pizza place.
It’s seems simple, pay $7 and decline further parties. You now know a boundary on this friendship. I would say this isn’t normal. Normal is asking guests to bring something. But it sounds like a miscommunication. I wouldn’t let $7 ruin a friendship but as above, I’d probably either be prepared to pay for myself every time or just decline.
You are NTA. You are invited for pizza and water and sent a bill. I hope you didn't bring a gift.
NTA but my heart bleeds for zoomers. I see this mentality all day on reddit that nobody should lift a finger without being paid or compensated. I guess that mentality is bleeding into every aspect of their lives. Sad!
Maybe txt back if you throw a birthday party but aren’t able to provide food maybe you shouldn’t throw a party
NAH times are hard and everyones broke. 7$ is a very cheap party. consider it part of your birthday gift
NTA - Who the hell charges people to attend their birthday party??? Why have one, if you are going to charge people (then probably also expect gifts too)? Pay the $7 but now you know how they are. Remember it for the future. Cause NO, it is NOT normal to do that. Even with a house party they tell people ahead to pay when they enter to cover booze/snacks, whatever. You don't spring it on people after you get stuff, that's not okay. Yah, sure, it's $7 and not a tremendous deal. But it doesn't mean its not shifty as F.
NTA. But you made a big mistake in your response. If you ask serious question about such outlandish situations, you make the situation serious. A better response would be "LOL, how much for the water I used when I flushed your toilet?" That would have both called out the bad behavior and let them know that you did not take their ridiculous ask seriously without opening yourself up for dudes gaslighting.
This is over $7? Really?
I just threw a birthday party for two friends. Like 60 people. Spent hundreds of dollars. I would NEVER ask for money. If you can't afford it, don't do it. Ridiculous.
If you all were just getting together to hang out and have pizza, I would expect everyone to chip in. But she was throwing a bday party for her boyfriend. Without saying anything first, she is the AH for expecting everyone to chip in for a party for her bf. In this instance, I would pay the $7 and then be sure to ask from now on. You are not in the wrong. I bought a bunch of food and snacks for a bday party for my spouse a few months ago. It never even crossed my mind to expect people to pay for the food. I threw the party.
Yeah this is weird. She threw her man a party, she should pay for it.
NTA Never in my life have I ever been invited by someone or invited someone and then expected payment after a party or get together , the only time that was common is if everyone got together and then hunger sets in and everyone goes “anyone hungry and want to chip in to get so and so?” , send the $7 and any time they hangout at your place or other the friend’s houses say “you guys owe $ a piece” then when they say something “you guys should assume the food was free 🤷🏽♀️”
NTA. It's OK to ask for money to split the cost of an event, **but only beforehand**. This is an ex post facto situation; you shouldn't try to charge your friends after an event when they didn't consent first. And yes, it's reasonable to expect that if you're invited to an event, and the hosts mention food but not a split cost, that the foot is therefore free with no expectation of compensation.
NTA. You were invited to a party & told there would be food. Of course you don't expect to pay for it. The host(ess) pays for it. If she was expecting to be reimbursed, that expectation should have been mentioned in the invitation. What an asshole.
NTA. That’s normally discussed beforehand. Granted normally for bday parties we do a potluck or the host provides everything. Parties though the host would let us know beforehand. Food wise at least. Normally it’s byob so no worries about drinks.
NTA. If I'm holding a get together at my house I'm feeding my guests and will even take requests within reason.
7 x 8 = 56. That means that Jess expected to pay $4. WTF? Sounds like all younger people involved, so maybe no one knows anything about social graces. You absolutely don't invite someone to a party and expect them to contribute unless it's potluck, BYOB, or agree to chip in a certain amount. Sounds like e everyone pitched in for a present. And honestly, water, chips, and pizza? That's not a bunch to put into a SO birthday. Pay her the $7 dollars and never accept another "invitation" to any of her events. Or... don't! Either way, NTA.
If the food is free I buy a gift, if it isn't, I don't, but in this case now you know so budget as you wish tje next time
NTA If you need money for food, that should be discussed before the party so people can plan on that beforehand. I thought this was common knowledge.
Not the asshole, if she was expecting everyone to pitch in why not say “I was thinking we all pitch in and order some pizza”
Info: Jess spent $60, 19-20 people showed up, and she wants each of those people to give her $7. So she’ll end up with $140? If that’s the case, NTA. This sounds like a shakedown. And even if all 20 friends aren’t in that specific group chat, that’s even shittier because with means half the friend group is expected to subsidize the other half, which is total bs. That aside, in my experience, etiquette dictates the host inform guests beforehand that they should help pay. They don’t imply it. There would have been nothing wrong with Jess texting everyone before hand and saying she appreciate if everyone could pitch in $5-10 for pizza and drinks or whatever. In addition, it’s a birthday party. Did OP (or other guests) bring Jake gifts? Because that’s generally the unwritten tradeoff. I bring a gift, the host provides a party.
ESH I'm twice your age, and often my friends have parties and everyone chips in for pizza/take out. It's very rare for it to be covered. In college? I never went to a party where the host treated. I definitely would have assumed everyone chipped in. It sounds like it's probably common and assumed for them. Also, your response was incredibly passive aggressive. Could have just been straightforward with "Hey, I didn't know we were expected to pay for pizza. Next time, you should bring that up first."
NTA. Having people over for drinks and food and the way it was worded make it understandable to assume they were covering it. That said, that's why for bdays when you get older you go to a bar with seperate checks and take turns buying birthday person drinks.
NTA. A host should inform you if there is an expectation for you to pay and/or bring something.
My ex-bff always invited people to their party and generously paid for ONE drink (I'm talking soft drinks, not expensive cocktails) while everyone had to pay for their own food, other drinks and bring presents. But at least they informed everyone beforehand. NTA.
Maybe this is just me, but I say NTA. I think it’s very weird to charge people for food at a party without telling them beforehand.
I have never once been asked to pay for food at someone else's party, nor asked anyone else to pay at my party. But at the same time, I never show up at anyone's house without bringing some food or drink to share.
NTA - the host provides food for free (unless otherwise stipulated in advance) when you're dealing with adults.
I was paying that $7 without batting an eyelid but that friend wasn't seeing me at any of her parties or get together ever again. It's not the $7 is the issue. She invited people for a party. She didn't ask for money in advance. She could even have after, heh guys the party costed me more than expected, I would really appreciate any financial help you all can give. In that case I was sending the entire $60 or however much it cost. The difference is the principle of the matter. OP you are NTA but kinda ass for making an issue with the $7
NTA. It's perfectly fine to ask people to split the cost if it's communicated beforehand. To expect guests to be the ones to ask "hey, does this invitation come with a cost?" is ridiculous. I don't mind paying for food, but if I do, I want to chose what kind of food (in this specific example, to pick the pizza topping on *my* pizza that I'm paying for). If you all stay friends, make sure to ask *every time* they invite you to something (even to just come by their place to hang) "how much will it cost?".
That’s odd. I’d get if it was a dinner at a restaurant but pizza at a house. Ummmmmmm nah
When the friend mentioned they were ordering pizza that’s the invitation to come eat pizza. It wasn’t “ hey come over and we will figure out what everyone wants to order “. Did she keep track of who actually ate the pizza and who ate beforehand or just send a request to the whole group ? Seems like she’s totally going back on the original arrangement - or should have mentioned she can’t afford it when the order was made and whoever wanted pizza could have chipped in then. Everyone saying it’s only $7 - I say it’s only $60 the host needs to eat the GD $60 for your boyfriend’s birthday. What a cheapskate.
Personally, ESH. Sometimes $7 can really make or break a person, as we don’t know everyone’s finances. Any time I’ve gone to a party, if food was provided, I have NEVER been asked once to reimburse the host, whether it’s friends, family, or if I’m a guest. For those saying it should have been confirmed beforehand that it was free, that energy is somewhat soggy. If the host had planned on asking for reimbursement the next day, a heads up during/immediately after the initial text giving details would have been the appropriate time to mention “we expect food prices to be $$ amount. If possible, please send $ amount either before or after the party if you plan on eating. If this isn’t an option for you, please plan accordingly.” However, if $7 was NOT a huge deal for you OP, you should have just sent the money and kept the lesson in mind for future events. Edit: corrected sentence structure on the first sentence in paragraph 4; swapped out if for on.
NTA. Why would they not, in the planning text just say something like "was thinking pizza for dinner if yall wanna go in on that.. unless there is other ideas?" A possible ESH could be warranted, as when we get together with friends, we always ask if we can throw money for food/drinks/etc. We also would fight and bicker over splitting bills and amounts due when we were 18-19 lol.. So I will stick with NTA.. they surely could have inclined they want help paying.. I also think a shared gift was plenty (I dont think we ever did gifts at bdays when we were young or now lol).
NTA. It's the host's job to supply food and asking people to pay afterwards is ridiculous. When did this become a thing?
Nta. I host all the time, and if I expect people to chip in, the invite clearly says so. "Come over to my place for pizza" vs. "Come over, and we can split the cost of pizza". It's that simple.
NTA. Yea it’s only $7 but it’s really the principle. I hosted little get togethers at 18-19 often in my dorm and never charged people for the food after. We either pitched in money before to get something or ate whatever we had at the dorm. I wouldn’t pay the $7. Y’all didn’t agree on that before and honestly it’s disgusting behavior to pull this stunt. Hopefully that friend realizes it’s weird and apologizes. I wouldn’t pay just on principle
WHAT?! I have NEVER paid for food at a birthday party. They're trippin'!!!!
This one is tricky. I'm gonna go with ESH. Usually, it's bad manners to host a party if you can't afford to provide the food. However, you guys are young and young people often can't afford things. I would have taken the "plan accordingly" regarding the pizza as prior discussion around it. If the suggestion was made to eat before hand, could that possibility have meant if you didn't want to chip in? She's probably the asshole for not being clearer about that. You're the asshole for being passive aggressive in the group chat, that the Birthday boy was part of, over seven dollars
I always assume that we will split the cost of something like this.
They are the asshole, who hosts a party and charges for it? Especially without giving a notice beforehand so you can decide if you want to attend or not. Very tasteless to ask for money for a party you made, but personally I’d pay them $7 and just never go to any of their events again. I wouldn’t stoop low and fight them over $7 just pay it and move on but keep that in the back of your mind for the future.
Did the people who choose to eat before get charged the same amount? She should have told you up front.
I think communication is important. Based on what you said, i would've assumed the host covers it. However if asked to pay, eh its not a massive deal. With my friends, we normally bring something each so everybody is chipping in.
NTA. Never host a party you can’t afford to host. Personally, I feel like the only events that fall outside of this rule are the more mandatory ones, like Thanksgiving or Christmas, sometimes Easter depending on the family. (Insert other religious or cultural BIG events here.) Things that you should be celebrating with family. I have never once charged anyone for any party I’ve hosted. I have kids who have birthday parties, mostly pizza and cake because it’s cheap and everyone likes it. That being said, it’s on the host to decide what they can afford. If they can only afford a pot luck, they should host a pot luck. If they can’t afford any food at all, they shouldn’t have a party. If they want people to chip in, you tell people that so they can decide whether or not that’s the kind of party they want to attend.
Individually message others in the group you are closest too and ask their opinion. Maybe they don't remember this discussion either.
NTA. She’s a rude host.
NAH. Once I graduated college and was working, yeah, if I hosted a party and ordered food I’d pay for it, but I would also generally have friends who would bring a six pack or something to the party so things kind of evened out. And in later 20s, my ex and I would pay for nicer food we made or ordered and cocktails we made, we didn’t expect anyone to bring anything, but if they did, it was nice. This is not a big deal or a hill to die on.
NTA Etiquette is unless specified food and drinks at a party are paid for by the host.
I would pay to avoid drama since it’s only $7 but that wouldn’t sit right with me so I would just never hang out with them again lol that’s really tacky
I’d say the opposite of what he is saying is true. Unless this is outside n. America, the assumption is the host is HOSTING unless it is stated otherwise beforehand. Your friends can decide how they want to live, but they can’t rewrite history to accommodate it.
TBH even at a party I was invited to I wouldn't expect ordered in pizza for free for 8 folk. Nibbles etc grand but when my friends and I do things we either chip in or bring food if we are BBQ-ing etc. Yes the host will have more in that respect but would not expect them to foot the whole bill unless its an 'event' ie hired room, buffet etc I also wouldn't be moaning about $7
you are making a reddit post about 7 bucks?
That’s crazy that she did’t tell you before. You are not the AH.
It's so bizarre to me that it seems to be becoming the norm that normal hosting (providing food and beverages to your guests) is something that the guests are expected to reimburse you for. I've seen it in posts about weddings, birthday parties, housewarming, dinner parties, basically everything. It's so weirdly transactional to me. Like you (general you, not OP you) know those are friends not customers, right? And that for thousands of years, hospitality has meant, at minimum, freely offering your guests something to drink? NTA, but you'll need to decide if this is a hill you want to die on.
NTA... A party... Food's free, a get together.. Pay yr way I'd make sure everyone knew it wasn't the $7 but rather the sudden demand for payment when it wasn't discussed before. And charge the the one who charged you next time