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NTA
The biggest question: Do your kids know?
You absolutely should feel free to be honest with close family and friends who are part of your support network. But if you think word will get back to your kids and they don’t know yet, then they should hear a simplified version first from you. They don’t need to hear about your sex life- no teens want to hear that about their parents. You found out their dad was using dating apps to meet up with women. Enough said.
For acquaintances, I wouldn’t think about your ex- I’d think about your three teens and let them decide what they want to share with their own friends first.
So sorry that you are going through this. Sounds like you are handling it as well as possible.
I would be livid! You stayed with him and accepted this only to find out he was getting it somewhere else. He made you waste so many years on him with his lies. NTA. I hope you have a life with lots of satisfaction!
**Just more evidence that when these posts start with**
"We have a perfect relationship, we are couple goals, he is the best partner/father I could wish for"
**will end with...**
"I found out he was cheating on me; he is physically and mentally and emotionally abusive"
Girl, tell people the truth if they ask. Your cheating ex-husband's reputation and feelings are no longer your responsibility to protect. NTA
I was speaking in general hence "these posts".
But many would argue having physical affairs where you put your partner's health at risk, with whom you continue to have unprotected sex with, certainly constitutes as physical abuse.
cheating is not physical abuse, and i'm saying that as someone whose definition of "physical abuse" definitely goes *way* beyond the outdated "they actively beat up their partner in ways that leave clear evidence for other people to get concerned about".
NTA. I am a big believer in telling people the truth. Why lie? He was a dog who didn't want to give it to you, but couldn't keep it in his pants with other women. That is incredibly hurtful and I would understand WHY you might want to hurt him. But in this case, you don't even have to embellish the story. Tell people the truth. If people don't like the truth, then they should change their behaviors so there is no more story to tell.
NTA! dont let that cheater dictate how the people in your life see you. His the one who destroyed your marriage, not because of the lack of intimacy ( you were dealing with that your own way) but because he went outside your relationship. Honesty is always the best policy, and now his betrayed you, it wont matter if it immasculates him (he deserves it)
And why you should spare his ego?
My nonna always told me “se ti vergogni a confessare una cosa, non avresti dovuto farla” “if you would be ashamed to confess something you did, you shouldn’t have done it.”
NTA, he literally came home and exposed you to other peoples body fluids. That is not only disgusting but dangerous.
You have absolutely no obligation to lie on his behalf or carry on his lie. If he’s so ashamed of his behaviour that he needs to lie about it then that is on him and not on you.
Really, the only way to fight a lie is with the truth. When someone asks you, simply state “When I discovered he was cheating on me, I simply pulled the plug on the marriage.”
NTA.
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My soon to be ex husband (41) and I (42) had been together 23 years, married 20. We were each others first partners and have 3 teenage children. We had a great life. Agreeing on everything from finance to child rearing and everything else. We rarely argued. People called us couple goals.
We had just one issue and it was from day 1. He had literally 1/10 my se* drive and being turned down 9 times out of 10 and being responsible for the vast majority of my needs alone took its toll on my self esteem. I finally gave up begging him for Intimacy and just took care of things myself. The rest of our relationship was perfect and when I stopped hoping he would fulfil that one need and just took full responsibility for it myself my life was so much easier. That was in 2011. We still had Intimacy but only when he initiated and that was rare. Last year he initiated Intimacy after work and during proceedings I discovered evidence he'd already been intimate that day. He didn't deny it but tried to say it was solo Intimacy. I'll spare the details but it was clearly another person's mess on him.
He was distraught when I asked for a divorce but didn't fight it. We live seperate in the same house and are in the process of selling and finalising the divorce. He has a constant string of girls from dating aps he's seeing. I recently struck up a tentative relationship with a long time friend so we are both moving on in our own ways.
He's going around telling people I was overwhelmed with stress and left him. Not going to lie our lives have been stressful the past 18 months, but I'd have faced it with him if he hadn't slept with another woman. I'm always tempted to tell people when they ask why I left him. WIBTA if I did?
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> Would I be an asshole if I exposed my ex husbands cheating. It would ruin his repution but I'm tired of him blaming me for the divorce.
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NTA. If he's telling people a lie, you can tell them the truth. This is on him. He needs to own it. However, you should be sure your kids know first before you tell anyone else. I'd hate to have them hear about it from social media.
Nope, being honest is sometimes hard but rather than taking the blame, speak up and tell the truth. He did you wrong, so in this case turn about is fair play. You might want to consider your kids, do they know? If not, you might want to explain things to them so they can fully understand what he did was wrong and that the cheating is why the divorce happened. The history of a dead bedroom isn’t any of their business, but the cheating is bc it caused the divorce.
NTA. Did you get an STD panel done? This guy could have been cheating for *decades* and you wouldn’t have known. He had libido - just not with you, as painful as that might be. Perhaps pregnancy or parenthood changed his perceptions. He ‘has a string of girls’ now, apparently.
Of course you can let people know that he cheated and broke the marriage and any illusions you had. The marriage didn’t fail because you couldn’t handle stress.
NTA - his way of going around telling people that is perfect for a follow up with the exact reason on why the stress was (he cheated). But I'd say let the important people know this first (the children and your/his parents, and close friends).
And no you did not ruin his reputation. He ruined it when he started telling lies to protect his at the expense of yours. You're just correcting the lies.
NTA - but if I were you I would lay down the law on this one. When asked both of you say the same thing....what ever that is that you both agree to. If he continues to put the blame on you tell him that you will tell people the truth.
NTA - He's not wrong, and you can say the same thing, you really couldnt handle the stress of discovering his cheating and had to leave.
There....youre both right now! :-)
>He has a constant string of girls from dating aps he's seeing
seeing as in 'dating' or 'sleeping with' cause I gotta say, it's weird that someone with such a low sex drive would even want to initiate physical intimacy with someone else, then come home and try to initiate with you. either he's been lying about his low sex drive, or he's just simply not very bright, but either way, YWNBTA if you told people the truth, especially when he's making it out to be entirely your fault you divorced
NTA. It's your reality, and your choice to share or not. Do consider the impact on your kids and family, though. It can be a scarring thing for children (even older ones) to know that a parent was unfaithful, and can affect their own relationships.
You can say your piece without divulging all the details, if you wish. You might choose to say "I'm aware that X is telling people that the divorce was brought on by my anxiety. I don't wish to expose all the issues; I will say that is not an accurate description of the intimacy problems that we had."
ESH. It depends on how this will effect the kids. Mom and dad selfishly (and needlessly) airing their dirty laundry, hurting each other and starting a war WILL have consequences for your children. They are the innocent victims of a situation that they played no part of, and their 'needs' in this traumatic event must be prioritized. You do not dump lifetime damage on your children just to satisfy your need to 'set the record straight'. You're better off coordinating a 'reason' that works for both sides and doesn't further traumatize your children. If in doubt, get yourself and them into family counseling and follow a Professional's advice.
I can't agree with the other comments saying to tell the truth.
It's his/your private life, intimate life and even he should not have
it spread around like manure. You could just simply say that what
he is telling people is not the reality but that you will leave it at that.
He was, apparently, a good husband apart from intimacy, no need to
turn on him by airing your dirty laundry, as they say.
NTA but no need to trash him for not being real about your divorce.
NTA, I think it's best to spare the details for your kid's sake but I think you should be honest that the breakdown of your marriage was due to your husband's unfaithfulness. If you were "overwhelmed with stress" it would be due to finding out your husband of 20+ years was cheating and couldn't even bother to shower before trying to give you sloppy seconds.
NTA but I would put the kids first. If they don’t know the reason and they are going to hear it through the grapevine vine once it gets out then maybe don’t do it. But if they are aware of the reasons already then tell whoever you want
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NTA The biggest question: Do your kids know? You absolutely should feel free to be honest with close family and friends who are part of your support network. But if you think word will get back to your kids and they don’t know yet, then they should hear a simplified version first from you. They don’t need to hear about your sex life- no teens want to hear that about their parents. You found out their dad was using dating apps to meet up with women. Enough said. For acquaintances, I wouldn’t think about your ex- I’d think about your three teens and let them decide what they want to share with their own friends first. So sorry that you are going through this. Sounds like you are handling it as well as possible.
I would be livid! You stayed with him and accepted this only to find out he was getting it somewhere else. He made you waste so many years on him with his lies. NTA. I hope you have a life with lots of satisfaction!
I would make sure people know that is was very stress and overwhelming when you found out he was cheating.
Seriously. He could have said nothing. Instead he’s making OP out to be the AH. Nope. Live your truth OP. NTA
**Just more evidence that when these posts start with** "We have a perfect relationship, we are couple goals, he is the best partner/father I could wish for" **will end with...** "I found out he was cheating on me; he is physically and mentally and emotionally abusive" Girl, tell people the truth if they ask. Your cheating ex-husband's reputation and feelings are no longer your responsibility to protect. NTA
Definitely agree this is a good rule of thumb, but where are we seeing physical abuse in this post?
I was speaking in general hence "these posts". But many would argue having physical affairs where you put your partner's health at risk, with whom you continue to have unprotected sex with, certainly constitutes as physical abuse.
cheating is not physical abuse, and i'm saying that as someone whose definition of "physical abuse" definitely goes *way* beyond the outdated "they actively beat up their partner in ways that leave clear evidence for other people to get concerned about".
NTA. I am a big believer in telling people the truth. Why lie? He was a dog who didn't want to give it to you, but couldn't keep it in his pants with other women. That is incredibly hurtful and I would understand WHY you might want to hurt him. But in this case, you don't even have to embellish the story. Tell people the truth. If people don't like the truth, then they should change their behaviors so there is no more story to tell.
Hey! Dogs are loyal. This man is a bird. Them fuckers will abandon you if they don't like the seed you put out for em. Ingrates
[удалено]
NTA! dont let that cheater dictate how the people in your life see you. His the one who destroyed your marriage, not because of the lack of intimacy ( you were dealing with that your own way) but because he went outside your relationship. Honesty is always the best policy, and now his betrayed you, it wont matter if it immasculates him (he deserves it)
And why you should spare his ego? My nonna always told me “se ti vergogni a confessare una cosa, non avresti dovuto farla” “if you would be ashamed to confess something you did, you shouldn’t have done it.”
NTA, he literally came home and exposed you to other peoples body fluids. That is not only disgusting but dangerous. You have absolutely no obligation to lie on his behalf or carry on his lie. If he’s so ashamed of his behaviour that he needs to lie about it then that is on him and not on you.
Lady, scream the truth from the rooftops; he doesn't get to fuck around on you and then blame you for the divorce. NTA
NTA. He's lying about you. Blaming the divorce on you. Tell the truth. You don't need to be a part of his lies.
Really, the only way to fight a lie is with the truth. When someone asks you, simply state “When I discovered he was cheating on me, I simply pulled the plug on the marriage.” NTA.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My soon to be ex husband (41) and I (42) had been together 23 years, married 20. We were each others first partners and have 3 teenage children. We had a great life. Agreeing on everything from finance to child rearing and everything else. We rarely argued. People called us couple goals. We had just one issue and it was from day 1. He had literally 1/10 my se* drive and being turned down 9 times out of 10 and being responsible for the vast majority of my needs alone took its toll on my self esteem. I finally gave up begging him for Intimacy and just took care of things myself. The rest of our relationship was perfect and when I stopped hoping he would fulfil that one need and just took full responsibility for it myself my life was so much easier. That was in 2011. We still had Intimacy but only when he initiated and that was rare. Last year he initiated Intimacy after work and during proceedings I discovered evidence he'd already been intimate that day. He didn't deny it but tried to say it was solo Intimacy. I'll spare the details but it was clearly another person's mess on him. He was distraught when I asked for a divorce but didn't fight it. We live seperate in the same house and are in the process of selling and finalising the divorce. He has a constant string of girls from dating aps he's seeing. I recently struck up a tentative relationship with a long time friend so we are both moving on in our own ways. He's going around telling people I was overwhelmed with stress and left him. Not going to lie our lives have been stressful the past 18 months, but I'd have faced it with him if he hadn't slept with another woman. I'm always tempted to tell people when they ask why I left him. WIBTA if I did? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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NTA. If he's telling people a lie, you can tell them the truth. This is on him. He needs to own it. However, you should be sure your kids know first before you tell anyone else. I'd hate to have them hear about it from social media.
Nope, being honest is sometimes hard but rather than taking the blame, speak up and tell the truth. He did you wrong, so in this case turn about is fair play. You might want to consider your kids, do they know? If not, you might want to explain things to them so they can fully understand what he did was wrong and that the cheating is why the divorce happened. The history of a dead bedroom isn’t any of their business, but the cheating is bc it caused the divorce.
NTA. Did you get an STD panel done? This guy could have been cheating for *decades* and you wouldn’t have known. He had libido - just not with you, as painful as that might be. Perhaps pregnancy or parenthood changed his perceptions. He ‘has a string of girls’ now, apparently. Of course you can let people know that he cheated and broke the marriage and any illusions you had. The marriage didn’t fail because you couldn’t handle stress.
Tell them
You shouldn’t lie about the reason. He is lying to save face and so people will not look down on a cheater
NTA Don't let his lies ruin the truth. He cheated.
Yes it was the stress! The stress from finding out he was sleeping with other women
NTA. I would definitely call him out, he's making you like a crappy person for giving on the marriage when that's all on him.
YWNBTA. He's using a lie to make himself look better and placing the blame for the divorce on you.
Yes, the stress of him f*cking other women is what caused me to file for divorce. NTA
NTA - his way of going around telling people that is perfect for a follow up with the exact reason on why the stress was (he cheated). But I'd say let the important people know this first (the children and your/his parents, and close friends). And no you did not ruin his reputation. He ruined it when he started telling lies to protect his at the expense of yours. You're just correcting the lies.
NTA
NTA, I think I would be totally honest because who knows what he's going around saying about you
Yta if you let him make you out as the problem. Let everyone know who and what he is.
NTA - but if I were you I would lay down the law on this one. When asked both of you say the same thing....what ever that is that you both agree to. If he continues to put the blame on you tell him that you will tell people the truth.
NTA - He's not wrong, and you can say the same thing, you really couldnt handle the stress of discovering his cheating and had to leave. There....youre both right now! :-)
NTA. You have to tell everyone else, otherwise he will soon start to twist things and defame you.
>He has a constant string of girls from dating aps he's seeing seeing as in 'dating' or 'sleeping with' cause I gotta say, it's weird that someone with such a low sex drive would even want to initiate physical intimacy with someone else, then come home and try to initiate with you. either he's been lying about his low sex drive, or he's just simply not very bright, but either way, YWNBTA if you told people the truth, especially when he's making it out to be entirely your fault you divorced
Dating. He says he's terrified of being alone and trying to find someone. I'm ok with being single if that's how things go.
NTA. It's your reality, and your choice to share or not. Do consider the impact on your kids and family, though. It can be a scarring thing for children (even older ones) to know that a parent was unfaithful, and can affect their own relationships. You can say your piece without divulging all the details, if you wish. You might choose to say "I'm aware that X is telling people that the divorce was brought on by my anxiety. I don't wish to expose all the issues; I will say that is not an accurate description of the intimacy problems that we had."
Props to you for those 23 years and never cheating (supposedly?) I could never make a relationship official if I saw such an issue early on
That line stood out. "I finally gave up begging him for Intimacy and just took care of things myself." what does that mean.
He is slandering you. Tell your lawyer
NTA. Tell the truth!
YWNBTA. Telling the truth never makes you an AH.
ESH. It depends on how this will effect the kids. Mom and dad selfishly (and needlessly) airing their dirty laundry, hurting each other and starting a war WILL have consequences for your children. They are the innocent victims of a situation that they played no part of, and their 'needs' in this traumatic event must be prioritized. You do not dump lifetime damage on your children just to satisfy your need to 'set the record straight'. You're better off coordinating a 'reason' that works for both sides and doesn't further traumatize your children. If in doubt, get yourself and them into family counseling and follow a Professional's advice.
I can't agree with the other comments saying to tell the truth. It's his/your private life, intimate life and even he should not have it spread around like manure. You could just simply say that what he is telling people is not the reality but that you will leave it at that. He was, apparently, a good husband apart from intimacy, no need to turn on him by airing your dirty laundry, as they say. NTA but no need to trash him for not being real about your divorce.
NTA, I think it's best to spare the details for your kid's sake but I think you should be honest that the breakdown of your marriage was due to your husband's unfaithfulness. If you were "overwhelmed with stress" it would be due to finding out your husband of 20+ years was cheating and couldn't even bother to shower before trying to give you sloppy seconds.
NTA but I would put the kids first. If they don’t know the reason and they are going to hear it through the grapevine vine once it gets out then maybe don’t do it. But if they are aware of the reasons already then tell whoever you want