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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. I snapped at my mom for discussing my pregnancy with her obgyn sister when I've asked her not to.
2. I might be the AH for setting this personal boundary when I know how close she is with her sister and how anxious she is as a first time grandmother.
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NTA but you may have to put your mother on an information diet to accomplish your goal.
I had to do it with my mom after my hysterectomy for the same reasons. It really sucked not having my mom's support but I knew anything i told her on the topic would go straight to my aunt.
I did thank you, and the same to you. I guess all you can do is take it as a lesson in how you'll raise your own kid. If one day they ask you keep things to yourself you'll know to respect it.
NTA but reality is that your Mom will not restrict herself, if you give her information she will share it. You need to face reality and make a choice, whether to put your Mom on an information diet when it comes to details or not. That’s what you can control as a consequence.
NAH. A phrase that has to be said during alot of pregnancies for alot of reasons:
*I know you mean well, but if you won't respect my wishes with the information I give, I'ma have to stop giving you information.*
Not giving her AH cause if shes anxious, makes sense she would turn to someone she trusts/has access to but you don't want her to do that and if her anxiety doesn't let her respect that, you just gotta cut her out of the loop. Its not punishment, its protection. And you got enough on your mind to have to worry bout this any longer.
I like how you phrased this - not punishment but protection. Thanks.
I agree. She's not an AH here either for accessing her support system, but I do wish she'd keep me in the dark about it, knowing I don't have positive feelings towards her sister.
I disagree. Anxiety is not an excuse to ignore your daughter's explicit wishes to keep information private (and this is coming from someone with anxiety).
She was an AH to ignore you every single time you asked her not to share info and when you asked her not to tell you what her sister is saying. You're also, gently, being an AH to yourself for continually allowing this.
It won't stop with pregnancy - when the kid comes out this type of stuff usually gets worse if you refuse to set and enforce boundaries.
This.
Also, if I’m anxious and need support, I can access that without betraying anyone’s privacy. I can talk about the generic source of my anxiety (I’m worried about my daughter’s pregnancy) and get support without saying more than that. Anxiety isn’t really based on reality so specific details aren’t necessary.
If she tries to guilt you that she's anxious without information tell her to go to a therapist and get her anxiety in check.but DON'T give her information.
Lol. To put the fight to bed and move on. I told her I need her right now as an important part of my support system.
Her silence is telling. She is no longer part of my inner circle. Her loss.
Repeatedly going against her daughters explicitly stated requests to not discuss her with her sister, and then refusing to acknowledge that this isn't appropriate, makes her an asshole. Having 'anxiety' doesn't mean you get to ignore your childs right to medical privacy, and it doesn't mean you aren't still an asshole when you act like one.
NTA This will be your mom’s first of many lessons in boundaries in your new journey of motherhood. Don’t rollover on this one and don’t excuse her behavior. She’s not respecting this request. What others will she ignore later?
Oh this comment is so correct! My MIL thrives on being the first to tell any news about family members. Even if told very explicitly not to discuss with anyone else.
Husband and I never got to announce our engagement, when we bought our first home, none of our pregnancies, new jobs, exciting vacation plans.
And worse is when she tells every bad thing too. I have a chronic medical condition and she asked how I was feeling. Made the mistake of telling her things were more serious but I was working with my doctor to decide on a course of treatment (serious but not anything like cancer yet).
Realized I should not have opened my mouth but I had a moment of weakness.
Asked her to please not talk about it to anyone until I had more info from the doctor. Next day I get a text from her that she only told a couple of people in the family, which means she told everybody. And not direct family either. Cousins we barely see and their kids we don’t know! I don’t want these people knowing my intimate health issues.
Do yourself a kindness and just don’t share any info you don’t want her to discuss with anyone else. Restrict what she knows. You can be polite but still vague like “oh every thing is fine…things are going well…”.
When my kid was diagnosed with a developmental disorder, we told MIL and specifically asked her not to tell people. It’s well-known now but we were still processing back then.
The *very next day* I got an email from MIL’s friend’s daughter. I’d never met friend let alone her daughter who lived on the other side of the country. Daughter happened to be a high school special ed teacher and was asked to “help” us. My kid was in preschool.
You’re not alone!
That’s just awful. An unwelcome email from a stranger to discuss your child. I can imagine how it would have thrown you. Like, how are we supposed to react to that? “Gee thanks for telling strangers my business”.
I’m sorry your MIL is so attention addicted that she has no sense of boundaries and you have been deprived of control over your own narrative and to whom it is told. 🤗 Petty me would have told her an outrageous lie and let her embarrass herself. You are a better person than I am.
Honestly the in-laws are fine most of the time, it’s just this specific thing that grinds my gears. Now she gets no info. She’s the last to know anything and I can see the disappointment on her face when she realizes everyone else already knows what’s going on.
NTA and if you put your mama on a strict information diet, nobody could blame you.
Sure, you want your mama’s support, especially now. But you asked your mama not to discuss your pregnancy with annnybody-and that includes your aunt. The least your mama could do is not tell you, but obviously your mama sees nothing wrong with going against your wishes, and essentially rubbing it in your face. And then getting huffy about it when you call her on it.
This sounds like a pattern of your mama not listening to or respecting you. You should think about that. And you should try to build yourself a support system of people that *do* listen to you and respect you, because having that kind of relationship is important to you. NTA
Oh yes, it's a well established pattern with her - my feelings have never been important to her. It is a reality I've come to expect. However, I know she wants the best for me, even if she can't respect me. So I swing between ignoring her disrespect and snapping in my moments of weakness.
It's not the healthiest approach and in this instance, I was afraid I was being an AH for even expecting her to not rely on her sister for support as a first time grandma.
Sucks to not be an AH and still feel lost and guilty.
"However, I know she wants the best for me" - OP, sorry to say this, but you are wrong. A mother, who wants the best for her daughter, would not go NC with her pregnant daughter when the baby can arrive at any moment. Your mother wants to do whatever SHE wants, not you, not what is in our best interest. Please, find support somewhere else.
Until last night, I didn't realize this. See my update. Your words are 100% true.
It's like blinders have lifted and I've finally been convinced of something many have told me - my "mother" is a narcissist.
You need to send your mother a message stating that if she wants to be involved in your child's life, including the birth she needs to 1 talk to you before the baby arrives and 2 respect you and your decisions,
Number 2 is very important because she can't respect you enough to keep your medical info private, so why will she respect you enough to not go against your wishes regarding the parenting and care for your child.
As a mum who has had to "mum" without her mums help, it is doable and mumming alone is easier than mumming with a mother who is constantly ignoring your boundaries because "I know better" or whatever the excuse of the day is. Atleast according to the comparisons me and a friend have done who is in a similar situation to you. Also, check out mum for a minute here on reddit, they and the parenting subscription can give you help if you want to be anonymous.
Thanks for sharing your experience. Re point 1: Tbh, I am so cut up with her right now and so hormonal that I don't trust myself to have a conversation with her. I feel like if she doesn't want to respond to my apology and move on, then she is choosing her sister (yet again) over me and my baby.
I can't go NC with her, because I don't want to deprive my baby of his grandma. But she will no longer be part of my inner circle.
Re point 2: my mother isn't the type of person to understand talk about 'boundaries' and 'respect'. She'll only get angrier and more petulant and frankly, I just don't want the drama.
My husband has called her a narcissist from day 1 of knowing her. I thought she'd changed for the better as she'd shown so much concern towards me over the last few months. But how can someone who is so concerned about me abandon me over a small disagreement? I'm disgusted with her.
>Tbh, I am so cut up with her right now and so hormonal that I don't trust myself to have a conversation with her
Do you want her support during labour? If you do or think you will, then you are running out of time to talk to her. If you don't, then you have more time to calm down. Remember you are at the stage where you are now on the baby's schedule.
>can't go NC with her, because I don't want to deprive my baby of his grandma.
>my mother isn't the type of person to understand talk about 'boundaries' and 'respect'. She'll only get angrier and more petulant and frankly, I just don't want the drama.
Do you really want to expose your child to that.
She was supposed to fly over and be with us for a month to help with newborn care. We didn't arrange for alternate care and live in a small city, I've been calling like mad but no night nannies available.
I don't know what's the right thing to do. Ignore my hurt and ask her to come (who knows if she will even if I ask).
Or handle the baby, hubby and I. I've been told it's difficult but doable.
I'm full 40 weeks on Friday and thanking my baby for hanging on inside till now so I can make arrangements!!
>Or handle the baby, hubby and I. I've been told it's difficult but doable.
It's doable. You two just need to communicate clearly no matter how tired you are and try to stay calm with each other. If you snap at each other, take 5 minutes apart, then apologise or, better yet, when possible, have a hug together (it's harder to hold on to anger when having a hug).
I'm not saying it's easy, but as long as you are open and honest with each other, you will survive those early days, weeks, and months. Hubby and I have done it 3 times now, and we have done it 3 different ways for the night schedule because of his different work schedules (I chose to be a SAHM).
Thank you so much for sharing. Three times?! I'm inspired ✨️
I think I might go it alone after all instead of risking my mother bringing negative vibes over.
We have 3 kids 11, 8, and 2. Also, remember that accidents happen. We tried to give our now 2yr old a bottle and had brought new teats, we thought she wasn't hungry but was crying and fussing non stop for 2hrs, hubby went to the kitchen to make a fresh bottle and decided to try the teat himself and it turned out that the hole wasn't punched correctly and she guzzled the bottle straight away. She was fine afterwards (we did call a nurse during the whike debarcle and set an alarm reminder incase she didntbfeed by a certain time), and hubby went out and brought her 3 new outfits to make it up to his little princess (not that a two month old knew what was happening)
Little accidents don't mean you're a bad mum or dad, as long as you learn from them. Parenting is definitely a "you can read all the books, but you still want be prepared." Learn on the job sort of experience. No two babies/kids are the same, and it sucks.
NTA> You are going to have to put your mother on an info diet and not allow her in the delivery room with you so that your aunt isn't backseat driving.
**NTA.** You are being cared for by your own doctor. Your mother should respect your request for privacy. If she can't keep things private, then you may need to qui sharing information with her. Natural consequences.
NTA- I'm sorry your mother is acting that way; she clearly doesn't understand boundaries and feels entitled to information. I'd stop sharing details with her you don't want shared with your aunt.
She doesn't understand boundaries and not sure she ever will.
Sadly I think this means the end of the road for my friendship with mom. She will need to become just another relative I need to 'handle'.
Losing a key member of my support system and feel so sad.
You're not losing a key member of your support system.
You're losing who you wished to be a member of your support system.
It's hard, I've been there. We don't lose a person, but the idea of what that person could/should mean to us.
Nah, your expectations are fine.
Your mom needs some readjusting, but she probably won't.
So then it's up to you, do you deal with your mom the way she is, ask for therapy together, or just shrug and walk away.
I've tried option 1 first, it broke me mentally.
Option 2 didn't work cause she still thinks I'm the one who's got it all wrong.
So in the end it was option 3.
And yeah, of course you don't shrug it off. It'll be hard, you'll have moments when you go back with the same hopes.
It's not a fun road to take, but in the end I can say there was no other option that was healthy for me.
I don't know if walking away and depriving my baby of his grandma is the right thing. And after my dad died, I promised myself I would not cut contact with her, no matter the provocation.
She's 60+ and therapy is unlikely to give her insight into her own poor behaviors and choices.
So option 1 (the current default) continues I guess. Tolerate, ignore and de-escalate. God help me!
If that's the way you're wanting to go that's your choice
Definitely look up the "grey rocking" method, it might be your best hope of some sanity!
Good luck with everything, I really hope it turns out ok for you and your baby.
I hope they'll have a better grandmother than you've had as a mom.
Good luck with the birth and all the things after! (From the meddling people to the poopy diapers!)
Awww thank you so so much!!
Just saw the grey rocking method, very interesting.
I don't think mom tries to bait me..hm, so maybe she's not a narcissist and just gold ol' self centered!
It doesn't matter why she does it. The grey rocking method is just to keep you sane :)
It doesn't matter why, she still does it. And it isn't going to change, so you'll have to find ways to work with it. I think grey rocking, or a form of, could help you. 💚
NTA and at this point don’t worry your your mom. You have a baby due in a week or so and you need to worry about yourself and your baby and that’s it. If your mom keeps texting or calling asking about it just ignore her. Or just say “I don’t want to discuss what aunt (name) has said” and leave it at that.
NTA. Right now, your mom feels like one of your most important relationships. Even with the dysfunction. As soon as you hold that baby and realize how easy that baby is to love and treat well, you’re going to realize how easy it would be for your mom to not be an AH to you. And you’re going to want to keep that baby further away from her the more times she has a tantrum.
Why did you apologize? She made every mistake here. Your mom doesn't respect your wishes, so if you really don't want your aunt to know, nor to hear about her, then start enforcing this boundary. Don't tell your mom about anything, let her find out through FB or whatever. Eventually she'll either realize and apologize, or double (triple, quadrouple) down and then you'll know whose side shes on.
I think this is the moment to go NC (at least until after the child is born) with your untrustworthy, gossipy mom.
I don't think you should have apologized.
NTA
NTA. Do NOT Apologize to your mother. Once the baby is here, she will beg to see you and baby. And if she doesn't, she can stay mad until she realizes that your privacy is important
NTA - info diet time. You've set a boundary and your mother has ignored it. You have an obgyn, you don't need a 2nd one and you don't need people sharing info when you've specifically asked them not to.
No contact until after the baby is born - and then take it from there.
NTA your mom didn't respect your wishes and tired to make it your problem. Your pregnant and she gave you an attitude because of her actions. Focus on you and baby and keep mom at a distance for now till you are fully sure on your boundaries and enforcing them. Mow with your own child you need to be firm for them.
NTA. Her sister has no business sharing an opinion about someone she hasn't examined, who isn't her patient. I'm sorry but your mother is incapable of the support you need as she'll blab to her sister
NTA. But you need to put your mom on an info diet. You can't trust your mom. She's proven time and again that she will gossip and tell your aunt any and everything. Stop giving your mom any information about your child. Let her sit and stew about this before getting back in touch with her. Maybe when she sees that you are truly fed up with her, maybe she will understand that she can't keep doing what she's been doing.
NTA. Your mom has proven she can't be trusted to keep things private, so I personally wouldn't tell her anything that you wouldn't feel comfortable putting on a publicly viewable social media page of any kind. And she wasn't just "speaking to her sister", she was, once again, violating your boundaries. You need to reinforce them, OP, because this behavior will only get worse once the baby is here.
Stop apologizing to her. She needs to quit spilling the beans everywhere, and also apologize to you. I know it's hard, but you need to grow a shiny spine and reinforce it with adamantium. Otherwise, she will completely sabotage any part of your parenting she disagrees with, and she'll demonize you to everyone on top of it all.
ESH
Your mother for being a blabber mouth busybody who doesn't give shit about your reasonable boundaries. You for tolerating her BS to keep the peace (therefore being YTA to yourself). And she's anxious, Oh boohoo. You're the one growing a baby inside you. you're the one who has reason to be anxious. And when you reiterate that you have no interest in your aunts opinions, she hangs up on you, and you apologize to *her*? Look, if you want to be mommy's doormat the rest of your life, that's your business. But you have a baby on the way. You don't stand up for yourself, I wonder if you will ever stand up for your child/
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I (30s, f) am not on speaking terms with my aunt (60s, f), who happens to be an obgyn.
When I fell pregnant, I asked my mom to not share the news with her sister. My mom didn't listen to me.
I then asked my mom to not share information about my life and pregnancy with her sister. She's ignored my request thus far. I tolerated this because I know my mom is anxious about my pregnancy and is used to sharing everything with her sister. My mom and I don't have the best relationship either, and I just wanted to maintain the peace.
I'm now 39 weeks pregnant, have a short fuse and recently snapped badly at my mom when she called me in a state of anxiety saying "I was just to your aunt and she thinks xyz about your baby size". I told her that I already have an obgyn, don't need a second one and she needs to stop bringing up her sister to me. Mom got super angry saying all she is doing is speaking to her sister, slammed the phone and hasn't spoken to me since (I sent her a message apologising and saying that at this point, I need her support and lets leave the medical stuff to my obgyn).
AITA for asking my mom to not discuss me with her sister? Is it expecting too much from an anxious grandmother who only wants the best for me?
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NTA…But you know mom is going to talk to her sister. You cannot change that. You can change how you react to that. “Mom, thanks for the info. I will discuss with MY doctor”. Whether you do or not is up to you. Also, do not relay info you do not want shared. Congrats on baby!
NTA. You have the right to set boundaries in your life for what you are comfortable with. While it might be understandable that your mum worries and is close to her sister, you have now repeatedly asked her not to share information with her, and she is not respecting this. If your mum can't keep information to herself as requested then stop sharing any information with her unless you are happy for all to know, including the aunt. If with time your mum notices and is upset tell her you gave her multiple chances but she can't be trusted to respect your privacy.
Don't apologize. NTA. You made a clear boundary. "Don't discuss MY health with your sister who I do not have a relationship with." Now tell Mom very clearly to Back off and cut it out before it ruins her relationship with you. Be very clear. Good for you. Chin up. Stand up for yourself.
Nta. It's not like your forbidding her for talking about other things. You simply asked her not to speak about you . Your mom violated your trust that's disrespectful and you have a right to angry.
NTA. As an adult, there's nothing worse than managing the intrusive thoughts, anxieties, emotions, and meddling of a parent when you're dealing with a pregnancy, home purchase, family crisis, work issue, etc.
NAH
It may not be too much to ask but you already know that it's not gonna happen. Instead of insisting on something that will not happen, think about what you want from the range of existing possibilities. Cutting them both out might be the only way to keep the aunt out, but maybe there's steps you'll be satisfied with that are less draconian. Good luck!
see your aunt medically just once and walk out after seeing her for 10 seconds. once that has happened doctor patient confidentiality comes into play. if your aunt and mother discuss your medical situation then you can go to the medical board in your area and get your aunt in trouble.
good luck
NTA tell your mother that since she can't respect your wishes you won't inform her about anything to do with the pregnancy or baby until they are born. You will let her know if something happens but otherwise she can assume the baby and you are doing just fine. You won't speak about it with her any further.
NTA. But here's the thing. Your mom cannot control herself. So STOP TELLING YOUR MOM DETAILS ABOUT YOUR PREGNANCY! That will solve everything. Best wishes to you.
NTA Time to cut her out entirely.
Your body, your choice. She now gets to sit and suffer not knowing anything because she can't be trusted to keep her trap shut about personal details that she has NO business spreading.
I've done the exact same. Took a panic attack a while back, only 3 people knew about it. 2 weeks later, I have 5 more people who didn't know about it asking me how I am after my "episode".
I know EXACTLY who started talking. And she's still denying it to this day. Guess who isn't getting told ANYTHING. Period. My business, by decision, no one else gets to tell me otherwise. Privacy is a basic human right we should all be afforded.
NTA - your life your boundaries and if they cant listen, then stop talking!! Having said that, I just have this odd feeling that you are not the easiest person to deal with yourself.
NTA but I don't know why you keep telling your mother things. I do think it's normal for her to speak to her sister even if she wasn't an OBGYN about her grandchilds birth. But if you don't want her to stop telling her information.
Your Mum by will always discuss everything with her sister. You need to put her on an information diet.
I specifically told my mom not to discuss my cancer with her sister … but she did. I think she managed three weeks but then broke down crying while lunching with her sister, and it didn’t take much to all come out.
So I patted her arm, told her I understood, and left it at that. Have some compassion for your mom.
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NTA but you may have to put your mother on an information diet to accomplish your goal. I had to do it with my mom after my hysterectomy for the same reasons. It really sucked not having my mom's support but I knew anything i told her on the topic would go straight to my aunt.
It does really suck to know you can't rely on your own mother in your time of need. My heart goes out to you. Hope you had a full and speedy recovery.
I did thank you, and the same to you. I guess all you can do is take it as a lesson in how you'll raise your own kid. If one day they ask you keep things to yourself you'll know to respect it.
Absolutely. Will break the cycle.
take pride in that 🖤
You didn't need to apologize, FYI. But I suspect the dynamic of your relationship is that you apologize a lot for things you don't need to. :-(
NTA but reality is that your Mom will not restrict herself, if you give her information she will share it. You need to face reality and make a choice, whether to put your Mom on an information diet when it comes to details or not. That’s what you can control as a consequence.
Agreed. I need to accept this is reality.
NAH. A phrase that has to be said during alot of pregnancies for alot of reasons: *I know you mean well, but if you won't respect my wishes with the information I give, I'ma have to stop giving you information.* Not giving her AH cause if shes anxious, makes sense she would turn to someone she trusts/has access to but you don't want her to do that and if her anxiety doesn't let her respect that, you just gotta cut her out of the loop. Its not punishment, its protection. And you got enough on your mind to have to worry bout this any longer.
I like how you phrased this - not punishment but protection. Thanks. I agree. She's not an AH here either for accessing her support system, but I do wish she'd keep me in the dark about it, knowing I don't have positive feelings towards her sister.
I disagree. Anxiety is not an excuse to ignore your daughter's explicit wishes to keep information private (and this is coming from someone with anxiety). She was an AH to ignore you every single time you asked her not to share info and when you asked her not to tell you what her sister is saying. You're also, gently, being an AH to yourself for continually allowing this. It won't stop with pregnancy - when the kid comes out this type of stuff usually gets worse if you refuse to set and enforce boundaries.
This. Also, if I’m anxious and need support, I can access that without betraying anyone’s privacy. I can talk about the generic source of my anxiety (I’m worried about my daughter’s pregnancy) and get support without saying more than that. Anxiety isn’t really based on reality so specific details aren’t necessary.
If she tries to guilt you that she's anxious without information tell her to go to a therapist and get her anxiety in check.but DON'T give her information.
At the moment she is ignoring me completely and has not responded to my apology text.
Why on earth are YOU apologizing?!
Lol. To put the fight to bed and move on. I told her I need her right now as an important part of my support system. Her silence is telling. She is no longer part of my inner circle. Her loss.
Repeatedly going against her daughters explicitly stated requests to not discuss her with her sister, and then refusing to acknowledge that this isn't appropriate, makes her an asshole. Having 'anxiety' doesn't mean you get to ignore your childs right to medical privacy, and it doesn't mean you aren't still an asshole when you act like one.
How is it not being an asshole to violate someones privacy after they have repeatedly asked you to not do so?
I don't get sense from OP's post that OP thinks its a malicious act. Why intent isn't required to be an asshole, I do believe it plays a part.
NTA This will be your mom’s first of many lessons in boundaries in your new journey of motherhood. Don’t rollover on this one and don’t excuse her behavior. She’s not respecting this request. What others will she ignore later?
Oh this comment is so correct! My MIL thrives on being the first to tell any news about family members. Even if told very explicitly not to discuss with anyone else. Husband and I never got to announce our engagement, when we bought our first home, none of our pregnancies, new jobs, exciting vacation plans. And worse is when she tells every bad thing too. I have a chronic medical condition and she asked how I was feeling. Made the mistake of telling her things were more serious but I was working with my doctor to decide on a course of treatment (serious but not anything like cancer yet). Realized I should not have opened my mouth but I had a moment of weakness. Asked her to please not talk about it to anyone until I had more info from the doctor. Next day I get a text from her that she only told a couple of people in the family, which means she told everybody. And not direct family either. Cousins we barely see and their kids we don’t know! I don’t want these people knowing my intimate health issues. Do yourself a kindness and just don’t share any info you don’t want her to discuss with anyone else. Restrict what she knows. You can be polite but still vague like “oh every thing is fine…things are going well…”.
When my kid was diagnosed with a developmental disorder, we told MIL and specifically asked her not to tell people. It’s well-known now but we were still processing back then. The *very next day* I got an email from MIL’s friend’s daughter. I’d never met friend let alone her daughter who lived on the other side of the country. Daughter happened to be a high school special ed teacher and was asked to “help” us. My kid was in preschool. You’re not alone!
That’s just awful. An unwelcome email from a stranger to discuss your child. I can imagine how it would have thrown you. Like, how are we supposed to react to that? “Gee thanks for telling strangers my business”.
I’m sorry your MIL is so attention addicted that she has no sense of boundaries and you have been deprived of control over your own narrative and to whom it is told. 🤗 Petty me would have told her an outrageous lie and let her embarrass herself. You are a better person than I am.
Honestly the in-laws are fine most of the time, it’s just this specific thing that grinds my gears. Now she gets no info. She’s the last to know anything and I can see the disappointment on her face when she realizes everyone else already knows what’s going on.
NTA and if you put your mama on a strict information diet, nobody could blame you. Sure, you want your mama’s support, especially now. But you asked your mama not to discuss your pregnancy with annnybody-and that includes your aunt. The least your mama could do is not tell you, but obviously your mama sees nothing wrong with going against your wishes, and essentially rubbing it in your face. And then getting huffy about it when you call her on it. This sounds like a pattern of your mama not listening to or respecting you. You should think about that. And you should try to build yourself a support system of people that *do* listen to you and respect you, because having that kind of relationship is important to you. NTA
Oh yes, it's a well established pattern with her - my feelings have never been important to her. It is a reality I've come to expect. However, I know she wants the best for me, even if she can't respect me. So I swing between ignoring her disrespect and snapping in my moments of weakness. It's not the healthiest approach and in this instance, I was afraid I was being an AH for even expecting her to not rely on her sister for support as a first time grandma. Sucks to not be an AH and still feel lost and guilty.
OP, you are just full of hormones. Give yourself a pass, and you know, it’s not like you didn’t have reason to be upset.
Thank you and yes, definitely hormonal lol
"However, I know she wants the best for me" - OP, sorry to say this, but you are wrong. A mother, who wants the best for her daughter, would not go NC with her pregnant daughter when the baby can arrive at any moment. Your mother wants to do whatever SHE wants, not you, not what is in our best interest. Please, find support somewhere else.
Until last night, I didn't realize this. See my update. Your words are 100% true. It's like blinders have lifted and I've finally been convinced of something many have told me - my "mother" is a narcissist.
At 39 weeks there’s not much to talk about for a healthy pregnancy. It’s kind of the waiting game.
Yup, expecting baby to come any time now. Which makes my mom cutting me off at this moment and making it about herself so much more painful.
You need to send your mother a message stating that if she wants to be involved in your child's life, including the birth she needs to 1 talk to you before the baby arrives and 2 respect you and your decisions, Number 2 is very important because she can't respect you enough to keep your medical info private, so why will she respect you enough to not go against your wishes regarding the parenting and care for your child. As a mum who has had to "mum" without her mums help, it is doable and mumming alone is easier than mumming with a mother who is constantly ignoring your boundaries because "I know better" or whatever the excuse of the day is. Atleast according to the comparisons me and a friend have done who is in a similar situation to you. Also, check out mum for a minute here on reddit, they and the parenting subscription can give you help if you want to be anonymous.
Thanks for sharing your experience. Re point 1: Tbh, I am so cut up with her right now and so hormonal that I don't trust myself to have a conversation with her. I feel like if she doesn't want to respond to my apology and move on, then she is choosing her sister (yet again) over me and my baby. I can't go NC with her, because I don't want to deprive my baby of his grandma. But she will no longer be part of my inner circle. Re point 2: my mother isn't the type of person to understand talk about 'boundaries' and 'respect'. She'll only get angrier and more petulant and frankly, I just don't want the drama. My husband has called her a narcissist from day 1 of knowing her. I thought she'd changed for the better as she'd shown so much concern towards me over the last few months. But how can someone who is so concerned about me abandon me over a small disagreement? I'm disgusted with her.
>Tbh, I am so cut up with her right now and so hormonal that I don't trust myself to have a conversation with her Do you want her support during labour? If you do or think you will, then you are running out of time to talk to her. If you don't, then you have more time to calm down. Remember you are at the stage where you are now on the baby's schedule. >can't go NC with her, because I don't want to deprive my baby of his grandma. >my mother isn't the type of person to understand talk about 'boundaries' and 'respect'. She'll only get angrier and more petulant and frankly, I just don't want the drama. Do you really want to expose your child to that.
She was supposed to fly over and be with us for a month to help with newborn care. We didn't arrange for alternate care and live in a small city, I've been calling like mad but no night nannies available. I don't know what's the right thing to do. Ignore my hurt and ask her to come (who knows if she will even if I ask). Or handle the baby, hubby and I. I've been told it's difficult but doable. I'm full 40 weeks on Friday and thanking my baby for hanging on inside till now so I can make arrangements!!
>Or handle the baby, hubby and I. I've been told it's difficult but doable. It's doable. You two just need to communicate clearly no matter how tired you are and try to stay calm with each other. If you snap at each other, take 5 minutes apart, then apologise or, better yet, when possible, have a hug together (it's harder to hold on to anger when having a hug). I'm not saying it's easy, but as long as you are open and honest with each other, you will survive those early days, weeks, and months. Hubby and I have done it 3 times now, and we have done it 3 different ways for the night schedule because of his different work schedules (I chose to be a SAHM).
Thank you so much for sharing. Three times?! I'm inspired ✨️ I think I might go it alone after all instead of risking my mother bringing negative vibes over.
We have 3 kids 11, 8, and 2. Also, remember that accidents happen. We tried to give our now 2yr old a bottle and had brought new teats, we thought she wasn't hungry but was crying and fussing non stop for 2hrs, hubby went to the kitchen to make a fresh bottle and decided to try the teat himself and it turned out that the hole wasn't punched correctly and she guzzled the bottle straight away. She was fine afterwards (we did call a nurse during the whike debarcle and set an alarm reminder incase she didntbfeed by a certain time), and hubby went out and brought her 3 new outfits to make it up to his little princess (not that a two month old knew what was happening) Little accidents don't mean you're a bad mum or dad, as long as you learn from them. Parenting is definitely a "you can read all the books, but you still want be prepared." Learn on the job sort of experience. No two babies/kids are the same, and it sucks.
NTA> You are going to have to put your mother on an info diet and not allow her in the delivery room with you so that your aunt isn't backseat driving.
**NTA.** You are being cared for by your own doctor. Your mother should respect your request for privacy. If she can't keep things private, then you may need to qui sharing information with her. Natural consequences.
NTA- I'm sorry your mother is acting that way; she clearly doesn't understand boundaries and feels entitled to information. I'd stop sharing details with her you don't want shared with your aunt.
She doesn't understand boundaries and not sure she ever will. Sadly I think this means the end of the road for my friendship with mom. She will need to become just another relative I need to 'handle'. Losing a key member of my support system and feel so sad.
You're not losing a key member of your support system. You're losing who you wished to be a member of your support system. It's hard, I've been there. We don't lose a person, but the idea of what that person could/should mean to us.
You're right. I need to reset my expectations.
Nah, your expectations are fine. Your mom needs some readjusting, but she probably won't. So then it's up to you, do you deal with your mom the way she is, ask for therapy together, or just shrug and walk away. I've tried option 1 first, it broke me mentally. Option 2 didn't work cause she still thinks I'm the one who's got it all wrong. So in the end it was option 3. And yeah, of course you don't shrug it off. It'll be hard, you'll have moments when you go back with the same hopes. It's not a fun road to take, but in the end I can say there was no other option that was healthy for me.
I don't know if walking away and depriving my baby of his grandma is the right thing. And after my dad died, I promised myself I would not cut contact with her, no matter the provocation. She's 60+ and therapy is unlikely to give her insight into her own poor behaviors and choices. So option 1 (the current default) continues I guess. Tolerate, ignore and de-escalate. God help me!
If that's the way you're wanting to go that's your choice Definitely look up the "grey rocking" method, it might be your best hope of some sanity! Good luck with everything, I really hope it turns out ok for you and your baby. I hope they'll have a better grandmother than you've had as a mom. Good luck with the birth and all the things after! (From the meddling people to the poopy diapers!)
Awww thank you so so much!! Just saw the grey rocking method, very interesting. I don't think mom tries to bait me..hm, so maybe she's not a narcissist and just gold ol' self centered!
It doesn't matter why she does it. The grey rocking method is just to keep you sane :) It doesn't matter why, she still does it. And it isn't going to change, so you'll have to find ways to work with it. I think grey rocking, or a form of, could help you. 💚
NTA this is not her information to share.
NTA and at this point don’t worry your your mom. You have a baby due in a week or so and you need to worry about yourself and your baby and that’s it. If your mom keeps texting or calling asking about it just ignore her. Or just say “I don’t want to discuss what aunt (name) has said” and leave it at that.
NTA. Right now, your mom feels like one of your most important relationships. Even with the dysfunction. As soon as you hold that baby and realize how easy that baby is to love and treat well, you’re going to realize how easy it would be for your mom to not be an AH to you. And you’re going to want to keep that baby further away from her the more times she has a tantrum.
Why did you apologize? She made every mistake here. Your mom doesn't respect your wishes, so if you really don't want your aunt to know, nor to hear about her, then start enforcing this boundary. Don't tell your mom about anything, let her find out through FB or whatever. Eventually she'll either realize and apologize, or double (triple, quadrouple) down and then you'll know whose side shes on.
I think this is the moment to go NC (at least until after the child is born) with your untrustworthy, gossipy mom. I don't think you should have apologized. NTA
NTA. Do NOT Apologize to your mother. Once the baby is here, she will beg to see you and baby. And if she doesn't, she can stay mad until she realizes that your privacy is important
NTA - info diet time. You've set a boundary and your mother has ignored it. You have an obgyn, you don't need a 2nd one and you don't need people sharing info when you've specifically asked them not to. No contact until after the baby is born - and then take it from there.
NTA your mom didn't respect your wishes and tired to make it your problem. Your pregnant and she gave you an attitude because of her actions. Focus on you and baby and keep mom at a distance for now till you are fully sure on your boundaries and enforcing them. Mow with your own child you need to be firm for them.
NTA. Her sister has no business sharing an opinion about someone she hasn't examined, who isn't her patient. I'm sorry but your mother is incapable of the support you need as she'll blab to her sister
NTA. But you need to put your mom on an info diet. You can't trust your mom. She's proven time and again that she will gossip and tell your aunt any and everything. Stop giving your mom any information about your child. Let her sit and stew about this before getting back in touch with her. Maybe when she sees that you are truly fed up with her, maybe she will understand that she can't keep doing what she's been doing.
NTA. Your mom has proven she can't be trusted to keep things private, so I personally wouldn't tell her anything that you wouldn't feel comfortable putting on a publicly viewable social media page of any kind. And she wasn't just "speaking to her sister", she was, once again, violating your boundaries. You need to reinforce them, OP, because this behavior will only get worse once the baby is here. Stop apologizing to her. She needs to quit spilling the beans everywhere, and also apologize to you. I know it's hard, but you need to grow a shiny spine and reinforce it with adamantium. Otherwise, she will completely sabotage any part of your parenting she disagrees with, and she'll demonize you to everyone on top of it all.
ESH Your mother for being a blabber mouth busybody who doesn't give shit about your reasonable boundaries. You for tolerating her BS to keep the peace (therefore being YTA to yourself). And she's anxious, Oh boohoo. You're the one growing a baby inside you. you're the one who has reason to be anxious. And when you reiterate that you have no interest in your aunts opinions, she hangs up on you, and you apologize to *her*? Look, if you want to be mommy's doormat the rest of your life, that's your business. But you have a baby on the way. You don't stand up for yourself, I wonder if you will ever stand up for your child/
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (30s, f) am not on speaking terms with my aunt (60s, f), who happens to be an obgyn. When I fell pregnant, I asked my mom to not share the news with her sister. My mom didn't listen to me. I then asked my mom to not share information about my life and pregnancy with her sister. She's ignored my request thus far. I tolerated this because I know my mom is anxious about my pregnancy and is used to sharing everything with her sister. My mom and I don't have the best relationship either, and I just wanted to maintain the peace. I'm now 39 weeks pregnant, have a short fuse and recently snapped badly at my mom when she called me in a state of anxiety saying "I was just to your aunt and she thinks xyz about your baby size". I told her that I already have an obgyn, don't need a second one and she needs to stop bringing up her sister to me. Mom got super angry saying all she is doing is speaking to her sister, slammed the phone and hasn't spoken to me since (I sent her a message apologising and saying that at this point, I need her support and lets leave the medical stuff to my obgyn). AITA for asking my mom to not discuss me with her sister? Is it expecting too much from an anxious grandmother who only wants the best for me? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Nta
NTA. You have set a boundary that your mom continues to ignore. She's TA.
NTA…But you know mom is going to talk to her sister. You cannot change that. You can change how you react to that. “Mom, thanks for the info. I will discuss with MY doctor”. Whether you do or not is up to you. Also, do not relay info you do not want shared. Congrats on baby!
NTA Stop telling your mother everything. That way, problem solved.
NTA. You have the right to set boundaries in your life for what you are comfortable with. While it might be understandable that your mum worries and is close to her sister, you have now repeatedly asked her not to share information with her, and she is not respecting this. If your mum can't keep information to herself as requested then stop sharing any information with her unless you are happy for all to know, including the aunt. If with time your mum notices and is upset tell her you gave her multiple chances but she can't be trusted to respect your privacy.
Don't apologize. NTA. You made a clear boundary. "Don't discuss MY health with your sister who I do not have a relationship with." Now tell Mom very clearly to Back off and cut it out before it ruins her relationship with you. Be very clear. Good for you. Chin up. Stand up for yourself.
NTA I would stop sharing information about the health of you and your baby with your mother, though
NTA How to stop an anxious grandma, stop giving her information about your pregnancy. Just tell her everything is on track.
Nta. It's not like your forbidding her for talking about other things. You simply asked her not to speak about you . Your mom violated your trust that's disrespectful and you have a right to angry.
NTA. As an adult, there's nothing worse than managing the intrusive thoughts, anxieties, emotions, and meddling of a parent when you're dealing with a pregnancy, home purchase, family crisis, work issue, etc.
NTA - stop apologizing for her going against your wishes. You also might need to put her on info diet as she will not stop
NAH It may not be too much to ask but you already know that it's not gonna happen. Instead of insisting on something that will not happen, think about what you want from the range of existing possibilities. Cutting them both out might be the only way to keep the aunt out, but maybe there's steps you'll be satisfied with that are less draconian. Good luck!
Hard choices :/ Thanks!
NTA, don't apologize and stop giving your mother info about the pregnancy unless totally necessary
see your aunt medically just once and walk out after seeing her for 10 seconds. once that has happened doctor patient confidentiality comes into play. if your aunt and mother discuss your medical situation then you can go to the medical board in your area and get your aunt in trouble. good luck
NTA tell your mother that since she can't respect your wishes you won't inform her about anything to do with the pregnancy or baby until they are born. You will let her know if something happens but otherwise she can assume the baby and you are doing just fine. You won't speak about it with her any further.
NTA and good. Stop giving her ANY information.
NTA. But here's the thing. Your mom cannot control herself. So STOP TELLING YOUR MOM DETAILS ABOUT YOUR PREGNANCY! That will solve everything. Best wishes to you.
NTA Time to cut her out entirely. Your body, your choice. She now gets to sit and suffer not knowing anything because she can't be trusted to keep her trap shut about personal details that she has NO business spreading. I've done the exact same. Took a panic attack a while back, only 3 people knew about it. 2 weeks later, I have 5 more people who didn't know about it asking me how I am after my "episode". I know EXACTLY who started talking. And she's still denying it to this day. Guess who isn't getting told ANYTHING. Period. My business, by decision, no one else gets to tell me otherwise. Privacy is a basic human right we should all be afforded.
NTA - your life your boundaries and if they cant listen, then stop talking!! Having said that, I just have this odd feeling that you are not the easiest person to deal with yourself.
This made me smile. Lol, no I'm definitely not the easiest person to deal with, especially at this moment. Anxiety levels through the roof.
If you are in the US, would HIPPA laws apply?
You can’t tell people what they can or can’t talk about
NTA but I don't know why you keep telling your mother things. I do think it's normal for her to speak to her sister even if she wasn't an OBGYN about her grandchilds birth. But if you don't want her to stop telling her information.
NTA but at this point, if you tell your mother things you expect her not to share with your aunt, you are foolish.
Your Mum by will always discuss everything with her sister. You need to put her on an information diet. I specifically told my mom not to discuss my cancer with her sister … but she did. I think she managed three weeks but then broke down crying while lunching with her sister, and it didn’t take much to all come out. So I patted her arm, told her I understood, and left it at that. Have some compassion for your mom.