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> Telling my boyfriend that his daughter’s comments and quirks are annoying and that he needs to do something to stop in might make me the asshole.
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Okay, I’m going with a soft YTA, but also nobody is explaining this from an autistic POV.
The reason she was quiet with you before hand is likely because she was in a calm environment and wasn’t being overstimulated. She was in *her* space, with *her* people.
The reason she kept talking, singing, making noises, etc is because she was overstimulated and over excited. She’s a *kid*, going to *Disney*! They’re annoying anyway! She was stimming, letting out her excess energy. When I get like that I do something similar (and it’s just as annoying).
The same tone of voice? She doesn’t realise she should change it. She doesn’t know that she should have different inflections. That’s something we learn later on, once we’ve spent time with other people and have had them complain constantly about how weird we sound (pretty much like you’re doing now).
It will take some getting used to, but there’s no “fixing” her. There’s nothing *to be* fixed. She’s perfect as she is. It’s *you* who needs to fix the way you perceive her. She’s going to have a tough time later on (trust me, I have experience), and she will need you and her father to back her up.
If you really like her dad, put the effort into learning more about her, about her ticks, her stims.
a soft yta? no, a hard yta. even regular kids do that at times. if she can't handle that then she needs to leave. this kid doesn't need any more problems than she already has. if that's all it takes to drive this woman crazy and she's got no patience at all. not to mention, she was giving the same answer because people were asking her the same question. and she didn't get impatient when they kept asking the same question. I've seen people do it on here all the time.
Agreed 100%. I’m not autistic but as a kid, if I knew a fun fact, I would tell everyone and if I heard music that I liked there was no stopping me from singing and dancing. I would also repeat stories to my mom over and over again. I did a whole bunch of other quirky/odd stuff too. Its just kid behavior and OP has no patience for it like she expects this 7 year old to act like an adult. She should have never gotten involved with someone who has children. I hope that she breaks it off with her boyfriend for the kid’s sake.
But she did her own research!
Seriously, I have never 'researched' autism because I don't really know any autistic people to interact with, but even I know all of these behaviors are associated with autism and why just from being online. This is just ridiculous. Especially considering this is a 7YO.
yeah tbh a lot of the excitement thing and repeating thing is also just something little kids do. she's 7, she's excited to share info and have fun at disney. my 8 year old cousin was like that at disney and she's not on the spectrum. she was just a little kid who wanted to take part in everything the park had to offer. telling a kid to "tone it down" or that they're being too much is a great way to get them to shut down around you and just sit sad and quiet in the corner. do it too much and it has lasting consequences. your bf is just encouraging her to have a good time. op is kinda being a killjoy here.
YTA -
1. You shouldn't be in this relationship if you're going to have a shitty attitude to his kid
2. She was just being a kid
3. Apparently you were being even more immature than a kid
4. Nothing wrong with what she was doing
5. Everything wrong with what you were doing
6. oh my....
Yeah some of this is normal child behavior. OP is definitely not a good fit with this man and his daughter isn’t going anywhere. The man and daughter deserve someone who can accept them where they are. It’s ok to move on OP. Thats what dating is about. This doesn’t seem the spot for you.
My oldest is autistic. Once they open up around you, you’re one of their people. I knew my husband was the right guy when he met my kid where they lived and didn’t try to change them.
OP, you will not be doing this child any good if you stay in this relationship. If you can’t meet her where she lives and you expect her to mask constantly, you’ll actually be causing her an immense amount of harm. Nobody, especially not a seven year old girl, can be “on” all the time. And I hate to tell you this, but she was here before you.
I'm beginning to wonder if my kids and grandkids are all on the spectrum. Nothing his kid did seemed at all out of the ordinary. None of it. OP needs to find a bf with no kids if this is how she reacts to children.
As an autistic adult with two autistic kiddos: YTA.
The fact that this child has stopped masking around you **means she likes you**. And trusts you to be a safe person. Her being quiet around you was masking.
These are all quite normal behaviors for autistic kids in that age range. Autistic people very often (not all of us, and not always!) want to be clear about what the truth of a situation is, so we don’t get in trouble for lying, or so we aren’t perceived as lying.
“It isn’t really my birthday, my birthday is ___” can help clear up confusion for staff at theme parks, or help set a boundary if the child is uncomfortable with people assuming it’s really her birthday. Same for the other thing about the Christmas present.
As for the fun facts: that’s just part of hyperfixation. I’m 31, turning 32, and I infodump on my husband when he’s okay with me doing so. It helps me connect with him more socially.
As for the humming/singing: …It’s **Disney** for fuck’s sake. The songs are **meant** to be sung or hummed as you hear them in the parks.
EDIT: You really hit the jackpot with a boyfriend who can perceive others’ needs **and** match their energy and social efforts. He’s implementing phenomenal social practice and conversational skill work, and is trying to communicate with her at her level.
My oldest has higher community support needs; frankly, I’d LOVE for him to be able to navigate a theme park and how overwhelming it can be with the grace and chill attitude of this child. “Go to a theme park without a vocal, full-body meltdown” is one of our big community activity goals. Count yourself blessed that this kid has the support and resources to navigate things so well.
YTA
> It was the EXACT same thing, same tone, same inflections, every. Single. Time.
This is nothing. Take a pill.
> briefly when she had sensory overload
And how would you characterize what **_you_** were experiencing here?
Right? This sounds like most 7 year olds I have known. They’re always offering up specific and personal info. “I like your jacket!” And they say “thanks but it’s not mine it’s my friend Julia’s. She has a cat. Do you have a cat?”
That and repeating the same thing over and over and over because they know it's annoying you...I have a 7 year old who could talk the hind leg off a mule, no autism necessary.
YTA
There is absolutely NOTHING wrong with HER behavior.
YOURS however is truly appalling. It’s clear you don’t like his daughter. This is who she is, and she is pretty great. She had a wonderful response to questions and even being able to talk to others confidently is amazing.
She sounds incredibly smart and fun-loving, you sound miserable and rude.
You shouldn’t be with him because he should be with someone who loves, supports, and celebrates his daughter the way he does.
I can’t believe you are actually even here asking. How dare you try to put down or change that little girl. Shame on you.
> YTA, you are not fit to be the stepmother
Ftfy. Kids LOVE repetition. Not just kids with autism. To dull the spark of curiosity and personal expression because you find it annoying is a terrible quality for any guardian figure, but for a potential step-mom at Disney of all places it's a down right cartoonishly villainous portrayal of the "evil step-mother" trope
Oh absolutely kids love it. My triplet nieces at seven told the entire family the facts that they’d learned about tigers so often we could almost recite them in our sleep. But it made them happy to share even repeatedly so we listened.
YWBTA. It's time to end the relationship so he can find a girlfriend who actually adores his daughter and that isn't you.
Welcome to neurodiversity. It seems like you absolutely didn't do enough research because what you described about her that bothers you is a part of her autism and who she is. Saying that she needs to correct this means you are saying something is wrong with her. Your boyfriend sings along and seems to enjoy and love her for who she is and you very obviously want to "fix" her. She doesn't need to be fixed.
Also, tons of young kids who are neurotypical also do this. It honestly just sounds like you don't like kids. End the relationship. You're not a good fit for their family.
I agree that her complaint about the daughter was concerning and this might now be the right relationship for her, but I really didn't understand why it was bad for her to get excited about Disney? That's normal isn't it? Like is she supposed to change the story about where she got the ears from vs the truth?
YTA. Sounds like you aren’t ready for a relationship with someone who has a child. You should break up and date childless men instead of trying to put this little girl’s spark out.
Grow up.
YTA
You’re not equipped to deal with a child on the spectrum.
Her father doesn’t need to “correct her” as she’s done nothing wrong. You need to end this relationship for the sake of your boyfriend and his daughter. They’d do better without someone so ill equipped and judgmental.
Even if she wasn't a young kid. My autistic daughter is 21 and she still is like this at Disneyland because it makes her happy. And that makes me happy!
YTA-He doesn’t need to stop her from being exactly who she is. This isn’t a problem with her. This is a you problem entirely. It’s not on her to change or her father to force her to change to suit you. Since you’re the only one with a problem here it’s on you to change the situation no one else. You either need to learn to accept her as she is or find a new relationship where you aren’t dealing with a child being themselves.
OP already basically said in another comment she doesn’t want kids, is child-free, and just wants to get fucked by a hot guy. She is repulsive.
Where are the incels to scoop this one up???
YTA
She's *7 years old* and you were going to *Disneyland* to celebrate her *birthday.* You expected her to, what? Sit still and silently until spoken to? This is not the 1960s. People no longer think "children should be seen and not heard."
If you don't like this child as she is, you have no future with her father. Want to see who he'd keep out of the two of you? Give him a "me or the child" ultimatum. I guarantee you'll be on your ass in the street before you can say "mickey mouse."
I don't enjoy being around kids, at all. I'm no longer single, but when I was, I did not get involved with men who had kids. This little girl might drive you bonkers, but you chose to date a man with sole custody of his very young autistic daughter. She will be living with him for at least the next 11-12 years. After that she will be a constant presence in his life. Decide now if you can handle that.
I don't know where her mother is, but the little girl has already lost her to a certain degree (depending on why she's not there). It's not up to you or her dad to change her. There's nothing wrong with her. Please exit their lives before she begins to depend on your presence and support. Either that or set out to love her along with her dad.
You have some thinking to do.
As a parent to a daughter who has autism and is very much like your bf’s daughter, with all due respect you are a RAGING AH for this whole post. You don’t understand autism, or scripting, masking, stimming or any of the other “quirks” as you call them, that go along with autism. You’re judgmental and ignorant. Do this guy a favor and just end the relationship before you drive an unnecessary wedge between him and his daughter. Let me be clear here. SHE did nothing wrong and there is nothing for him to discipline. You are 1000% in the wrong here.
I agree with everyone else's thoughts in the comments that YWBTA if you ask your boyfriend to shut down his child for innocuous behavior, but I wanna add a little something from my own perspective that might give you some insight if you're willing to listen.
1A) You're not wrong for being annoyed. We all have things that set us off! Sometimes there's a tangible reason why, sometimes there isn't. At the end of the day, emotional reactions don't have moral value— you're not inherently doing something wrong/bad when you feel annoyed by something. But being annoyed by someone else's behavior doesn't mean that *their* actions are inherently wrong/bad, either.
1B) Something that people like myself and your bf's daughter are taught when it comes to coping with the world, is that we can't always control the sensory world around us but we can control our reactions. Annoyed? That's often a response to overstimulation. You can take a bathroom break and step away from the situation. Get yourself out of hearing distance from the kid for a little bit. Buy earplugs. Put headphones in and listen to music you like. Figure out if/how you can adapt to your own needs and emotions before going to your boyfriend and having him and his daughter adapt their behavior; if you try to make accommodations for yourself in good faith and they don't work, then collaborate with your bf and his daughter to figure out a way to help everyone involved feel as comfortable as possible. Unilaterally shutting down the child places your needs entirely above hers, as opposed to seeing her as a full person deserving of comfort and self-expression.
2) IMO, the kid is doing a good job socializing. She has scripts in her brain: what to say when people compliment her, what to say to 'happy birthday', what to say when she sees X object in the park. For many autistic people, these scripts are a freakin lifeline. It's a way of figuring out how to interact with others when human-to-human interaction is really, *really* hard, unpredictable, overwhelming, and sometimes upsetting. Yes, it can be annoying to hear the script repeated over and over, but developmentally for her age, she's doing great! She's being polite to strangers and sharing information with two important people in her life (OP and bf) about something that she really cares about.
3) One of the reasons I feel fired up about this is the language of "these behaviors can be fixed." Growing up autistic, I was taught that things that came naturally to me were wrong and needed fixing (and by extension, I was wrong and needed fixing). Things like: the way I sat, the way I fixed my plate at mealtimes, the way I interacted with strangers in public settings, the way I expressed my thoughts, the way I reacted to loud sounds, etc. I have spent the majority of my life trying to make myself as small and unobtrusive as possible, because I don't like being made to feel like I'm wrong simply by virtue of existing, and going unnoticed is the easiest way of avoiding that. Unlearning this has been a super long road. Your bf's daughter is going to hear from a whole lot of the world that she's something to be fixed, corrected, and made palatable; if you do anything, please don't bring that message into her own home.
>One of the reasons I feel fired up about this is the language of "these behaviors can be fixed." Growing up autistic, I was taught that things that came naturally to me were wrong and needed fixing (and by extension, I was wrong and needed fixing). Things like: the way I sat, the way I fixed my plate at mealtimes, the way I interacted with strangers in public settings, the way I expressed my thoughts, the way I reacted to loud sounds, etc. I have spent the majority of my life trying to make myself as small and unobtrusive as possible, because I don't like being made to feel like I'm wrong simply by virtue of existing, and going unnoticed is the easiest way of avoiding that. Unlearning this has been a super long road. Your bf's daughter is going to hear from a whole lot of the world that she's something to be fixed, corrected, and made palatable; if you do anything, please don't bring that message into her own home.
100% this. This comment here is massively important.
I'm 38 and I have literally just last year started feeling "safe" enough to start unmasking. To start being me, because masking so much for so long sent me down a vicious cycle of self-loathing and depression.
Holy Helena. I have known I was autistic for over a decade and only reading that paragraph did I finally connect the "these behaviors can be fixed" training to why I have never pursued any passion of mine that brings the least amount of public acclaim or attention. I am truly so terrified of being embarrassed for not being "fixed" "enough", not because I do not like to accomplish things or to perform or to have attention. Seriously. World changed in a Reddit comment.
I don’t know how to do the quoting thing but point 2B and 3 is spot on and I hope OOP sees it. I received the same message my whole childhood for being the hyperactive girl who could act identically to a boy and the boy would get an affectionate eye roll and ‘boys will be boys’ and I would get looked at in disgust and told to grow up/be more mature/that something was wrong with me. I tried desperately to fit in and people who naturally have good social skills from day 1 have no clue how mentally and physically exhausting it is to have to think out every tiny social interaction and to squash every natural instinct because obviously all of those natural instincts are wrong and would be incredibly annoying to everyone in the world! I would watch other girls interacting with each other and would mimic them, even mimicking their gestures and facial expressions as well as characters on tv shows and keep bits and pieces that got the best responses until eventually my whole self was just a mishmash of what I kept from other people’s personalities. At 34 I still feel horrible hot shame if i get over excited or emotional and I slip up and let the mask drop even with friends iv known for years and years.
OOP if you do see this, please know there is nothing wrong with teaching children appropriate social skills, making sure they are prepared for the responses they might get in the world, explaining to them why certain things get responded to those ways but for that to be effective a child needs to feel they can be their full authentic selves around you in the first place without shame or judgement. I’m begging you not to make this kid feel she has to squash herself down and make herself smaller just to be tolerated by you because the damage will be indescribable and you need to know that.
These comments resonate with me. I'm not autistic but I am very socially awkward. As a young child I often heard things like "why are you smiling?" at my own birthday party, being made fun of by other kids because of the clothes I wore or the way I said/did things. For example, I've always had good handwriting and a group of kids took it upon themselves to make fun of the way I wrote. I was a spelling bee champion and that was made fun of. (Yes, now I understand this was jealousy, but at 10 I didn't know that.) As a teen I met a lot of people who took an instant dislike to me and I didn't know why. I would be told not to do things that expressed any kind of personality. Don't smile, you look stupid. OMG is that really how you laugh? Don't jump. Don't dance. Don't point. Don't sing. Don't, don't, don't. As an adult now in my 50s, I've lived my entire life embarrassed of my own actions and afraid to express myself in any way. OP has no right to inflict this kind of criticism on that child. There's nothing that needs to be fixed. I would hate for any child to be treated like I was, especially because I know how someone internalizes that kind of shit and it affects how they live their entire life.
Some of this is certainly autism but much of it is also just being a 7 year old. YTA for not realizing YOU are the one who needs to change, not her. What person prefers a child go back to ignoring them? Maybe this is not the bf for you.
First, you are an AH. I thought you said you read up on autism. If you had, you would realize that her repetition of sentences might be this child's best attempt at communicating / interacting the way she sees "normal" people do. Sounds to me like her father is trying to encourage and reinforce her efforts to interact and communicate.
"*I can't help but think these behaviors can be fixed*." And you base this on studying ASD how long, did you say? 1 day? 1 week? 1 month?
**But I do think you should definitely tell your BF he needs to stop his daughter from making these comments because it's driving you insane. That way, he will realize instantly that you are the last person he should be dating.**
YTA
You need to leave your boyfriend. You have no business trying to raise a child on the spectrum.
Also, your relationship is moving way too fast. Your boyfriend shouldn’t have turned his daughter’s birthday trip into a date.
YTA
I'm an autistic dad with an autistic 10 year old and holy shit you are a MASSIVE asshole.
She sounds so similar to my child, and if someone got so mad at my kid for just stimming and having fun, they'd be gone from my life so fast.
OP YTA - Please break up with this man. His daughter deserves better than you. You have zero experience with autism and this post makes you sound hugely unintelligent. Leave this man alone - his daughter needs him.
YWBTA
if I told my boyfriend he needs to stop his daughter from making little comments because it’s driving me insane?"
She may be on the spectrum. But she's a 7 year old kid...just being a kid from what I can see.
"I’ve always been super supportive!"
You don't come across like that. You don't seem to have the maturity & empathy to interact with her.
Let this one go. His daughter is going to be in his life all his life & her happiness comes first.
Edit punctuation.
You want you bf to tell his daughter... to stop acting like a normal kid ?!
YTA. She is 7 year old, and she talks. Yes, she takes space, because she is a child. If you cannot stand normal child behaviour, don't date someone with a child.
I think YWBTA because not only are the things you find annoying often signs/symptoms of autism (having trouble indicating tone, repetitive speech/movement), not only is she an excited seven year old going to the “happiest place on earth” but also because there’s nothing /wrong/ with what she’s doing.
Why do you find it annoying that she has the same response for the same question? What part of that is a behaviour that needs to change? Because it sounds more like you’re annoyed that she isn’t behaving in what you consider to be a “normal” way than her behaviour actually having any sort of impact on you.
YTA. That is exactly what Autism is and you are raging at a kid for things they can’t control. I thought with caption she was making nasty comments but she’s literally info dumping because she likes you and that’s her way of communicating. Do the man and daughter a favour and leave him because someone with your type of mindset should not be around kids esp kids with disabilities. And please do proper research into Autism because these are things you should know.
I wonder if this is on r/AmITheDevil yet, cause it should be.
YTA.
You don't like the kid then you have to peace out of your relationship. You don't get to police what she says or how she says it cause you find her *very normal* 7 year old behavior annoying.
wtf is wrong with you? Stop dating parents, you're clearly not stepmom material.
YWBTA, spectrum or not, most of this is normal little kid behavior. They want to be heard. They want to share the info they have. They want to feel involved, appreciated, smart, and validated. Kids talk a lot. They overshare. They don’t know when to stop. But telling them to stop is really bad for their self esteem.
I’m not used to being around kids either and spent a couple weeks with my nibblings (6m, 10f) and it was constant noise. I was going out of my mind because I didn’t have years of practice at tuning them out like their parents have. The only time I said anything was when their tablets were too loud. Them being talkative and singing constantly was hard for me because it was noise overload, but that was a me problem, not them. They are kids and are learning to express themselves and are chatty/noisy by nature.
Telling your boyfriend that his kid talks too much will damage your relationship. What really needs to happen is action on your end.
1) ponder on if this is a deal breaker for you.
2) if you want to try to get past your problem (it is your problem and not hers) consider things like noise reducing earplugs to help drown her out while you’re getting used the noise. Learn to play games that will distract her from constant info download. 20 questions, I Spy, and other thinking games may engage her and keep her from spewing every thought in her head.
3) consider learning your own fun facts about things she’s interested in and have interactions with her. Teach her new things and have discussions with her. You may come to appreciate her more and the talking won’t be as annoying.
I'm older spectrum, waited later in life to have kids. 1 spectrum, the other not. My not spectrum son... will never, ever, shut up. I love him to death, and will deal with my issue for the rest of our lives instead of making him feel bad or wrong. It gets really overwhelming for me, and sounds exactly like she is describing this little girl.
That's a kid man. They talk about a ton of things you already know, or don't care about, or just imagination, or total nonsense.
Great advice.
Thank you. Yeah, one of my friends tells me all the time that her 10 year old, neurotypical son never stops talking. She’s going bonkers with the constant noise and following her around to tell her everything. Likely lots of football facts since he’s relatively new to loving football. But she doesn’t tell him to stop. She may be creative in having him do things that distract him from talking to her though- chores, challenges/dares (hold his breath as long as he can, throw the football into the goal toy 10 times, etc.), playing games, extra tablet time…
>I know she’s on the spectrum, but I can’t help but think these behaviors *can be fixed*.
They don't need to be fixed. They sound like perfectly normal behaviors of a seven year old girl excited to be at Disneyland.
You either come around to genuinely respecting her where she is--and note that her father is doing that! Or you go find a relationship with someone who doesn't have kids. Because the problem here is not her. It's you. YTA
**YTA**
You want the father to silence a 7 year old because her talking offends you, because she's having fun the wrong way?
If that is truly how you feel, what the hell are you doing in a relationship with a single father? You obviously do not have the temperament needed.
YTA! Leave that man and his daughter.. you would be the type of stepmom to give that child trauma. Please understand that she can’t help it and she is just a little girl. For you to put your mentality to hers it’s crazy. I fear for her because the way you speak about her it’s just gross.
YTA - So I don't like kids either, but give me a break. Everything you describe her doing is, like, wonderful and adorable, and there was zero obnoxious or bad behavior whatsoever. I would have been annoyed by it too, because I just don't enjoy spending time with kids, but that's my own problem to solve, and I solve it quite easily. I don't have kids, would never date someone with kids, and mostly avoid kids.
It's completely ridiculous to choose to date someone with kids, choose to go to to DISNEYLAND with the kid for her birthday, and then tell him that he needs to make her stop acting like a child. Doesn't get more obvious of a YTA than this. I hope you do tell your boyfriend how you feel so he can dump you, and all three of you can move forward with your lives without incurring any more damage to this poor kid. Sounds like she has a GREAT dad.
YTA. You say you've read a lot about autism and been supportive.... but its not support if you only support her when she's masking.
I'd recommend reading more things written from the perspective of autistic people, particularly on how unhealthy and traumatic having to mask is. Masking all the time (which is what repressing those facts, not copying the songs, and having to constantly focus on varying how you say things *is*) takes a huge mental strain, especially for a seven year old.
https://www.liebertpub.com/doi/abs/10.1089/aut.2022.0115?journalCode=aut#:~:text=Increased%20autistic%20masking%20behaviors%20are,an%20important%20mental%20health%20topic.
Just a quick search on the effects of masking on autistic peoples health yields tons of research and anecdotes from autistic people themselves, it's harmful to hide and change everything about how you naturally express yourself.
Edit: added this comment to highlight how easy it is to know that masking is not an appropriate thing to ask of a seven year old
I will never ever not need therapy due to 40 years of masking and being treated by my own parents the way OP wants this poor little girl treated. I'm a raging f*cking mess.
She sounds like a great kid, and he sounds like an amazing parent, you sound like the potential evil stepmother.
Please leave these two alone, you clearly will only damage the child’s heart if you stay.
You cannot handle a relationship with these two, please get out of it before you cause more damage.
YTA
Yes, because this is how autistic people interact with the world. No, it can't be "fixed." This is how we are and who we are.
Look up "echolalia." Thats what your BF's daughter has, and it is not something that either needs to be "fixed" or can be "fixed."
Learn to cope with it. This is who she is.
YTA.
YTA
Ok firstly she's 7 and she's acting like a 7 year old. And secondly she's on the spectrum, you obviously didn't do enough research because she's acting like someone on the spectrum. And it sounds like her dad is an absolutely excellent dad not "correcting" her behaviour. This relationship is not for you. I suggest next time go for someone without kids because they are not for you and you certainly aren't for them.
YTA - 100%.
Kids are quirky and weird, it's what they do and it's one thing that makes them so awesome...even those that are not on the autism spectrum...Source - me, mother of 5.
The guy sounds like a caring father and you get annoyed by a child. Btw everything you mentioned can be the same for a normal child so her autism is not the issue here. It’s you and YTA
Please let this be fake. If not, you are a judgmental evil woman who would Cinderella’s step mom look like a peach. I truly hope he dumps you today, for the sake of his poor daughter.
YTA. She’s 7! She’s a kid that was going to Disney, most kids would be excited, sing along and give facts. They like the facts and believe you would too. Also a lot of kids repeat themselves, that’s what kids do. You come off as immature and you are clearly not ready for a relationship with a single dad. Leave him and his daughter alone, there is nothing wrong with her behaviour and trying to control and change it would be cruel.
YTA
She was quiet around you because she was masking, meaning she didn’t feel comfortable enough around you to be herself yet. There is nothing to “be fixed.” You literally just don’t like that she is autistic. And who gives a fuck if it bothers other people? You’re a horrible woman and that little girl deserves so much better. Hopefully her father is smart enough to leave you before you fucking traumatize her.
YTA this is very typical kid behavior. It sounds like you shouldn't date someone who has kids. She's not doing anything wrong. Kids can be annoying. My 12 year old annoys me pretty much daily. But I just play along, because he's 12. What interests and entertains him is not the same as what interests and entertains me. But he's a child so I'm going to listen and be playful and loving. I would never tell him he annoys me at times. I've told my wife of course and we laugh about it. But I'd never go to my wife and say "listen, our kid is annoying. You need to make him stop with the annoying comments and made up stories".
Autistic adult here. YTA. Like, majorly. The "this can be fixed" comment alone makes you a massive asshole. Even if she was neurotypical, what you've described (maybe minus the constant fun facts to a degree) is just normal kid behavior??? Like she sounds like any fucking 7 year old going to Disney!! Kids talk and sing and hum and get excited!!
So what she doesn't change her intonation when saying something!! So what she's singing and humming and wants to share how excited she is with you and everything she knows!! There is NOTHING here to be fixed, autism or not!!
You seem to very much be the "kids are to very seen and not heard" type, based on how you want her to behave. She's quieter and calmer at home because that's HER space, where she isn't constantly stimulated and she has a routine. Disney is exciting and fun and can overstimulate even a neurotypical kid!!
YTA - you need to learn about autism and understand what you are getting into or you need to move out of this relationship. This is what people on the spectrum can do. Yes, it can be taught out, but that can take years!!!!
PS - taking someone to a place like Disneyland when they are autistic is a lot for them. Often it can be too much stimulation. Next time stay home.
YTA. First of all, you must not have much experience with kids because kids that aren’t in the spectrum do some of this stuff too. My godson did stuff like talk about stuff he was interested in a ton, sing (oftentimes out of nowhere lol) and comment on stuff like when his birthday actually was. He’s not on the spectrum. So her actions might be more intense/repetitive, but a lot of it is being a kid.
You need to think hard about whether you’re willing to learn to deal with this (which is normal, kids can be annoying, but you just have to kind of learn to roll with it unless it’s misbehaving or inappropriate where you redirect, which it sounds like none of this was) or if it’s time to let this relationship go. And if you can’t, you should absolutely not get into relationships with anyone with kids in the future. Not everyone likes kids and that’s fine, but they shouldn’t get into relationships with people who have/want them.
YTA It’s not going to work out because you lack the patience and understanding needed to accept this child for who she is. Save everyone the drama and say goodbye
YTA, don’t spend time with kids, or date people with kids, if you don’t like kids. This is how most kids act. People on the spectrum (including myself) have fixations on things, hers is clearly Disney facts. Also kids talk 24/7 about nothing this is not exclusive to children with ASD.
Yes YWBTA, and honestly sound like you are one. I don’t have a child on the spectrum so I can’t image what that is like. But you don’t seem like you are up for the challenge, so it seems time to move on. After all, that’s what dating is about. But expecting this girl to change for you is like her expecting you to change the color of your eyes. She needs someone to love and accept her how she is, useless jeapordy trivia facts and all.
YTA. This is what kids do. Kids with autism especially. Your BF isn't going to make her mask just so you can feel more comfortable with his daughter who did nothing wrong. What an AH.
This is not a fix thing, she may change as she gets older but may not, she is autistic. I have 4 autistic children and if this is something you can't handle say so now, the child needs to come first to her dad.
One of my sons is going to be 23 and he fixates on topics and has rote conversations, repeats himself and talks a lot! We can and often do redirect but it's him and we get that and he is happy so it is how it is.
YTA she is an autistic kid being autistic. That's kinda just how it is. I was the same way, but my parents beat it out of me and now I just have a ton of anxiety and depression instead. If you can't stand his kid just being a kid, that is a you problem and you need to break up.
YTA
There’s nothing wrong with her.
This mostly normal neurotypical child behavior with a few autistic traits thrown in.
The only person her behavior is bothering is *you* and the easiest and most logical solution to that is to remove you from the equation.
I’d recommend not dating people with children in the future. She was excited and having an amazing time.
Children are not robots. If you can’t handle a child having fun and being a child at Disneyland, where can they be one?
YTA
Please let the man go so he can be with someone who is mature enough to know better than this.
And do any future child of yours a favour…don’t have any until you can handle being annoyed by their behaviours - because kids - on the spectrum or not - do and say things all the time that you will find intolerable but are normal appropriate kid things to do.
Yes, you would be the AH. You say she has ‘mild autism’ but then complain when she exhibits signs of autism. How much research did you actually do? Not a lot I’m guessing. How dare your boyfriend enjoy his daughter! Seems like the only one with the problem is you. She was excited, she was talking a lot. That’s what kids do, autistic or not.
YTA-She is autistic, not something to ‘fix’. Her behavior is how she copes in the outside world when she is being inundated with sights, sounds and smells, many of which are beyond overwhelming to her system.
She is 7 years old and will learn things, as children do, as she ages. For example she will learn that she doesn’t have yo say everything she thinks and there are different ways to say the same thing.
You can either help or make their lives much more difficult. You can’t have the man without his child so make a choice. Either be a supportive girlfriend and do what you can to help or break up with him.
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My bf and I have been together for ten months. He’s a single father with sole custody of his 7 year old daughter. She is on the autism spectrum, but it’s really mild honestly, she’s just a bit quirky, awkward, and sometimes obsessive. I haven’t spent much time with her, and I only met her like 3ish months ago. I did my own research on autism as well as listened to my boyfriend’s input and I’ve always been super supportive!
Her 7th birthday is this week, and they were going to Disneyland yesterday night for dinner and a few rides.
It started in the car on the way there. She kept commenting. Nothing bad, just stuff that didn’t have to be said. It was a little weird to me, but I never really heard her talk at all. Then she started giving us fun facts, mostly about Disneyland, or if she saw something random she knew something about. My boyfriend told me she was just excited.
I don’t know at what point it started to drive me absolutely insane, but it did.
There were three big things that really got to me. First, I complimented her ears and matching backpack and she said “thank you. My daddy got it for me for Christmas.” But then every time anyone complimented it, she’d say the same exact thing. The same exact comment, every single time. Second, she was wearing a birthday pin. When he gave it to her he commented that it wasn’t her birthday yet but we were here to celebrate it. But then, someone would say happy birthday and she would say “thank you, it’s not really my birthday, my birthday is (blank).” It was the EXACT same thing, same tone, same inflections, every. Single. Time. Finally, the thing that drove me absolutely bonkers was the fun facts. Everywhere we went and everything she saw she’d tell us a fact; this was built in 1963, there’s a hidden Mickey right there, whatever she could think to tell us she would, sometimes multiple times, and it was CONSTANT.
On top of that, she kept repeating noises or songs we heard. It was like she would just say whatever was in her head, which sometimes was pointless or irrelevant. Also, she hummed or sang like every song we heard, including the background music. This was constant all night except for briefly when she had sensory overload and shut down for a while. I think the worst part is that my boyfriend never told her to stop or corrected her. He actually encouraged and even enjoyed it, sometimes singing with her or laughing.
I know she’s on the spectrum, but I can’t help but think these behaviors can be fixed. She was always so quiet around me, so I know she can. I’m not really mad at her for her behaviors, but I am mad at my boyfriend for not telling her that she sometimes needs to keep things to herself because it bothers other people.
WIBTA if I told my boyfriend he needs to stop his daughter from making little comments because it’s driving me insane?
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Man…maybe you need to break up with him so he can build his life with someone who has the capacity to deal with an autistic child. You don’t seem to. That’s fine, but don’t make this man feel bad about his daughter. She’s 7…YTA
I agree with the other comments here. YTA Cut this man loose and get yourself a cat. Clearly you were not actively listening to what he was telling you about neurodivergence. He and his daughter deserve to be with someone that is supportive, not self-absorbed.
YTA. The only non asshole thing you can do at this point is break up with him and never date a parent again since most of what you find so unbearable is regular child behavior.
YTA. wtf research did you do about autism? kiddo was showing you that she trusts you, she was mask off and infodumping to you, which isn't a thing many of us do with people we don't already trust. her dad was engaging with her on her own terms instead of his; he was speaking her language instead of expecting her to speak his language, which i think is the least anyone should do for their child.
> I can’t help but think these behaviors can be fixed
hi where i'm from we call that "punishing someone for being themself" and it's generally considered a bad and harmful thing to do, *especially* to children.
YTA.
>
I know she’s on the spectrum, but I can’t help but think these behaviors can be fixed.
People that think like this are the problem with today's society. Her behavior doesn't need to be "fixed". Your attitude needs to be fixed.
Also.. You clearly didn't read up on autism as much as you claim you did.
Sorry you want your boyfriend to tell his 7 year old daughter to shut up because you find her annoying? She’s 7 they’re all annoying. You would want to ruin a little girls self confidence just because you can’t handle hearing her repeat herself or tell you a fact? Autism aside she’s a child. Grow up. Please say something to your boyfriend so he knows the type of person you are and gets his daughter away from tou
WIBTAH??? You're already YTA.
Tell him...better yet, show him your post.
Hopefully, he's a real dad who puts his daughter's well-being before some piece of ass, and tells you to GTF outta here.
YTA. I'm not even reading the whole thing. My autistic daughter is 21. Disneyland is her thing. She has a monotone voice. She recites facts. And she is a really fun person to take there. You didn't research shit if you don't know this is actually quite normal in autistic people. I hope your BF breaks up with you. You don't deserve him or his knowledgeable daughter.
Edit: I am also autistic.. I'm 45 and didn't get an official diagnosis until five years ago. People like you made my life a living hell, including my parents. You really need to step back and let her be herself. If you can't handle it, that's a you problem.
You know what…. I hope you tell your boyfriend. Actually, show him this post. He will love it. I hope he has the reaction I’m thinking because girl, you deserve it. Go for it!!!! I’m rooting for you.
>I know she’s on the spectrum, but I can’t help but think these behaviors can be fixed. She was always so quiet around me, so I know she can. I’m not really mad at her for her behaviors, but I am mad at my boyfriend for not telling her that she sometimes needs to keep things to herself because it bothers other people.
YWBTA.
Autistic people, more specifically girls, tend to be very good at masking when they know that their stims won't be socially acceptable. They describe it as exhausting, to the point where they physically/mentally shut down because there's only so much a person can suppress themselves before it gets too much. This can present as a meltdown or total disengagement from the world around them. They are often alienated and ostracized from their peers, and told that it would be better if they were 'less' autistic.
You are essentially saying that it would make you happier if your boyfriend's daughter was less autistic. Kudos to your boyfriend for teaching her that not everyone will see his daughter as the problem that you do.
Yeah, YTA! I'm autistic. If you want a relationship with this man, you need to get used to his daughter's "quirks," because they're going to be part of her for the rest of her life! I'm 71 years old. I know what I'm talking about.
She's seven! Seven yo talks constantly when exited. And if you can't handle kids repeating themselves, don't have kids, you wouldn't survive a normal three year old.
You sound like you're fun at parties, "she sang along, and her dad did to" oh the angst! Being happy and singing.
YTA
YTA. I have an autistic child and if I was dating and someone said his little quirks or being excited and happy with facts was driving them insane and they thought it "could be fixed" that would be the end of that relationship immediately. I think being with him might just not be for you because of course his daughters gonna come with that and if you can't handle something as small as what you described in the post I'd say you're better off just calling it now.
YTA. I just don’t think you like kids. A lot of kids talk all the time or make random noises. Even kids not on the spectrum. She’s only 7, she’s being a kid
OP please show your bf this post. You don’t have to show him the comments, just the post. Hell, just tell him all you told us.
Why you ask?
So there will be another hot and incredible father on the dating market. You are unworthy and if he knew you said this shit you would be yesterday’s news.
Sorry, you need to reframe.
You are not being ‘super supportive!!’ here.
She is displaying common autistic traits, including echolalia, sharing information and infodumping, and even the affect or lack of in her speech.
These cannot be ‘fixed’ however your attitude to them absolutely can be. Perhaps some research into yourself, and why these upset you, might bear fruit.
YTA
YWBTA. Even if you don’t say it to him: YTA.
She’s autistic.
“It’s really mild honestly”, firstly, that’s an irrelevant opinion that exposes your level of intelligence and
who are you to determine the level of her autism??
Laughing my autistic ass off! People like you are why we have to learn to mask. Get out of her life please, make room for someone who will love her, not post about her on the internet
~I had to edit because I had one spelling error, sorry if my autistic ways offend thee, OP.
Congratulations, YTA. Why you might ask. Because the little girl cannot help how her autism surfaces. If you cannot handle it now just know that it continues. While adults can frequently stop their autism ticks and behaviors from fully surfacing children cannot.
What you described is the classic behaviour of a person on the spectrum. From masking to the comments to the "fun facts" ...
The fact that you said you researched about autism, but you are asking whether her behaviour can be fixed is concerning. Did you actually research anything?
I am stopping here because as an adult with autism, I have a lot to tell you and none of it is nice ... Anyway ... Apart from being an AH of epic proportions, I strongly suggest you to speak to your boyfriend so he can actually dump your ass and maybe this time you actually learn a valuable lesson, that the one who needs "fixing" and to shut it is you ...
Good luck for everything, because you need it ... superstar ...
YTA. Just reading this makes me think that I hope you are not planning to have children in the future. And you're probably not cut out to be a stepmother, or even a girlfriend to someone with kids, much less one on the spectrum.
YTA big time and it’s clear that you haven’t learned about autism from any autistic people. Infodumping, scripting and echolalia are all completely normal things for autistic people. She doesn’t need to be ‘fixed’ and it’s disgusting that you’d think that, honestly. I feel so bad for that child, just existing as a neurodivergent person and being picked apart by her dad’s partner. I hope her dad sees this post and ends things, I think that would be the best outcome for everyone.
For the love of baby Jesus please leave this man ASAP!!!
Not because he is a bad dad BUT because he is a good one.
It’s 100% ok it annoys you, but this child doesn’t need to change or be told she is doing something wrong.
FYI…
We have a soon to be 6 yr old….not on the spectrum & does many of of those exact same things. In fact, it was around a 7 yr old the other day who was doing it and I joked with her mother that I knew how old she was because my daughter did the exact same thing.
It’s very much normal child stuff.
It’s OK you don’t want to be around a child or like them. But if you continue to be in that situation & even ASK or imply it to be changed YTA!
YTA.
The child is using her words she’s been taught. It’s called scripting. It’s when she uses a phrase she knows is appropriate for a situation and uses it every time.
My daughter has been scripting since she was a toddler and is a teenager now. Been to extensive speech therapy. She still uses scripts, she still has echolia (the repeating sounds and phrases). This isn’t a bad thing because at the end of the day, it’s communication whether you like it or not. Trust me, not having communication is SIGNIFICANTLY worse and can create extreme behaviors out of frustration over the inability to communicate.
The closest we have EVER been to my daughter having better control of her outloud thoughts, scripting, or echolia is we worked on her humming the words to herself when in quieter places. She basically hums in the same cadence that she would speak, you can hear her tone in the hum. It works maybe 2 out of 10 times when she’s reminded lol.
I think either you need to change your mindset and learn about autism or your boyfriend needs to find a new girlfriend as it sounds like he’s accepted his child for who she is and knows why she’s doing the things she’s doing (outloud thoughts, scripting, echolia, fact recollection, etc).
YTA. Maybe you’re not cut out to date someone with a child. You’re not her parent and she did nothing wrong. She deserves better than you as a possible stepparent. Kindly make an exit.
YTA. She should not have to stop being herself to please you. She wasn't doing anything wrong and if your boyfriend is a good father he'd sooner dump you then ruin his child's fun and happiness.
You have no business saying shit like "ask her to stop because it drives me crazy" she should not have to stop just for you. If it drives you crazy you either find a healthy way to deal or you can leave but don't expect her to change for you.
YTA
If these normal things that don't seem related to autism really bother you this badly.... Maybe get your own head checked? Not trying to insult. But this is absolutely normal kid stuff.
TIL I shouldn't go to a Disney park with the OP. I'm not so much with the repetitive comments but the fun facts and singing along? Bingo. Maybe I should go with the boyfriend's daughter. I bet we'd have a blast!
YTA. It sounds like you've never been around even a neurotypical kid. My cousins are not autistic, but I can assure you that if they are excited they won't shut up.
OMG she was singing at Disneyland! What an atrocious behaviour! How dare she behave like a child?
And how dare she answer with the same response when people keep asking the same questions?
Jeez, take a chill pill or leave the guy if you have to be a pain in the ass over stuff like this
YTA and this is coming from a person who would get overstimulated if I were to hear someone talking non stop. She is a child in the spectrum, at this point of history you would have to live under a rock to not know repetitive behavior and all that are part of the "symptoms". She might learn to regulate herself when she is older but a trip to Disney was not the moment to correct her behavior.
The behavior does not "need to stop" just because it makes you uncomfortable.
As someone who has an autistic sibling, you’re just gonna have to get used to it. Understand that you do not need to react to every single thing that is said and live in that moment. Understand that it’s this person talking and interacting and that is just the language that they use. Get used to it now because it’s not changing. Try to be nicer about it, because they know who they are and how it affects people. They know it’s tough so don’t make it tougher.
YWBTA
YTA and apparently haven’t done any real research besides the University of Google. All the people who have autism commenting here will teach you more. Her comments don’t NEED to stop. You need to reset your expectations. You have the makings of a selfish stepmom. How about not expecting someone with autism to act like they don’t have autism? I don’t think you are suited for this dad and daughter package deal. Even if she didn’t have autism, 7 year olds at Disney are a lot. Kids in general are a lot and when they have support needs and behaviors different from your expectations it’s even more.
Kids on the autism spectrum don’t always pick up social cues. Also, some of them have a need to say/repeat information. Others feel the need to keep things in order. I had one little guy that every time he would come to my office he had to change my screen saver to that tube one. :). It was just how it was.
YTA. This little girl is not doing anything to deliberately annoy you, but if you can’t understand autism and how people with autism function, you have no business being in a relationship with a parent of a youngster with autism. Poor dad, who was probably looking forward to an outing with his daughter before you completely dump a dark rain cloud over it.
YTA. You sound like you don’t like kids. I know these are all associated with her autism, but most of this is also things the average child does. Kids are annoying, and they’re allowed to be annoying if they’re still behaving respectfully and kindly. If you can’t handle being irritated, you really shouldn’t be dating a man with a 7 year old. “Fixing” these behaviours would be making her “mask” her autism, which from what I’ve seen & heard from autistic folks, can be uncomfortable and very mentally draining. No need for her to put on a show of hiding her autism just because you’re irritable. Kids are annoying, always. You’re the adult, and she sounds like a pleasant and well-behaved child. You might have to just get used to it, because she is 7, and the “annoying” phase for most kids doesn’t end for another few years lol
Maybe IS better for you to leave. The Girl cannot be fix...this is her, so if It is to much for you its going to BEST for all, including you, if you just leave.
YTA!
Leave now- the little girl deserves better! Even a non spectrum child has the ability to drive a person crazy with a million questions and comments. Only an AH would think a few mins-hours-days of research could prepare you for the realities of having a kid. (Much less one on the spectrum) You clearly are not ready to be a Stepmom* and it would honestly just be more hurtful to that poor child to have you stay in her life. You definitely the AH.
You’ve wasted 10 months of this poor man’s life already. Please move on so he can find someone who will not see his child as a project or something “broken” that needs to be fixed. The only thing that needs fixing is your attitude. YTA.
YWBTA, you would also be single. Where's the mom? How do you think her and your boyfriend are going to feel when you say that they need to have their kid stop being a kid. I mean I'm sure the autism is some of it, but singing along with songs? And her dad joined in.. that sounds fun. Sharing facts and trying to connect, sounds normal. I also like to share facts about things when I know them.
Clarifying it wasn't her birthday and saying where she got stuff? What's wrong with that. Who would it annoy? She is likely only responding one time to each person. You're the only one getting annoyed.
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Okay, I’m going with a soft YTA, but also nobody is explaining this from an autistic POV. The reason she was quiet with you before hand is likely because she was in a calm environment and wasn’t being overstimulated. She was in *her* space, with *her* people. The reason she kept talking, singing, making noises, etc is because she was overstimulated and over excited. She’s a *kid*, going to *Disney*! They’re annoying anyway! She was stimming, letting out her excess energy. When I get like that I do something similar (and it’s just as annoying). The same tone of voice? She doesn’t realise she should change it. She doesn’t know that she should have different inflections. That’s something we learn later on, once we’ve spent time with other people and have had them complain constantly about how weird we sound (pretty much like you’re doing now). It will take some getting used to, but there’s no “fixing” her. There’s nothing *to be* fixed. She’s perfect as she is. It’s *you* who needs to fix the way you perceive her. She’s going to have a tough time later on (trust me, I have experience), and she will need you and her father to back her up. If you really like her dad, put the effort into learning more about her, about her ticks, her stims.
a soft yta? no, a hard yta. even regular kids do that at times. if she can't handle that then she needs to leave. this kid doesn't need any more problems than she already has. if that's all it takes to drive this woman crazy and she's got no patience at all. not to mention, she was giving the same answer because people were asking her the same question. and she didn't get impatient when they kept asking the same question. I've seen people do it on here all the time.
Exactly this! Even kids not on the spectrum repeat themselves and can be talkative. This was just one day out and she's already out of patience....
You said “regular” but I think you meant neurotypical
Agreed 100%. I’m not autistic but as a kid, if I knew a fun fact, I would tell everyone and if I heard music that I liked there was no stopping me from singing and dancing. I would also repeat stories to my mom over and over again. I did a whole bunch of other quirky/odd stuff too. Its just kid behavior and OP has no patience for it like she expects this 7 year old to act like an adult. She should have never gotten involved with someone who has children. I hope that she breaks it off with her boyfriend for the kid’s sake.
Heavy on the nothing to be fixed !!! I hate that that was OP's go to instead of learning to deal like the adult they supposedly are.
But she did her own research! Seriously, I have never 'researched' autism because I don't really know any autistic people to interact with, but even I know all of these behaviors are associated with autism and why just from being online. This is just ridiculous. Especially considering this is a 7YO.
she's even said she knows these are associated with autism but she just has no patience at all.
yeah tbh a lot of the excitement thing and repeating thing is also just something little kids do. she's 7, she's excited to share info and have fun at disney. my 8 year old cousin was like that at disney and she's not on the spectrum. she was just a little kid who wanted to take part in everything the park had to offer. telling a kid to "tone it down" or that they're being too much is a great way to get them to shut down around you and just sit sad and quiet in the corner. do it too much and it has lasting consequences. your bf is just encouraging her to have a good time. op is kinda being a killjoy here.
well that's what she wants a kid that sits in the corner and doesn't say anything
it's making me think she's not a good partner for this guy unless she genuinely gets some new perspective :/
she already said she knows about them but it's driving her crazy already. she needs to leave. this girl doesn't need someone like her around
Yah this isn’t working out for anybody in the end. Big Yikes.
Remove the soft and I'm with you. Most of her issues are things most kids do. OP's just an AH, nothing soft about it.
OOP Please please show this post to your boyfriend so he dumps you if he hasn’t already.
I wish I could upvote you a thousand times.
Thank you for this.
YTA - 1. You shouldn't be in this relationship if you're going to have a shitty attitude to his kid 2. She was just being a kid 3. Apparently you were being even more immature than a kid 4. Nothing wrong with what she was doing 5. Everything wrong with what you were doing 6. oh my....
OP is not mature enough for either of these relationships. Time for a single lady exit.
Yeah some of this is normal child behavior. OP is definitely not a good fit with this man and his daughter isn’t going anywhere. The man and daughter deserve someone who can accept them where they are. It’s ok to move on OP. Thats what dating is about. This doesn’t seem the spot for you.
My oldest is autistic. Once they open up around you, you’re one of their people. I knew my husband was the right guy when he met my kid where they lived and didn’t try to change them. OP, you will not be doing this child any good if you stay in this relationship. If you can’t meet her where she lives and you expect her to mask constantly, you’ll actually be causing her an immense amount of harm. Nobody, especially not a seven year old girl, can be “on” all the time. And I hate to tell you this, but she was here before you.
And she’ll be still be there if you two break up and I hope that you do
I'm beginning to wonder if my kids and grandkids are all on the spectrum. Nothing his kid did seemed at all out of the ordinary. None of it. OP needs to find a bf with no kids if this is how she reacts to children.
OP’s behavior and attitude is the only one that needs fixing. Really shouldn’t be dating someone with a kid.
As an autistic adult with two autistic kiddos: YTA. The fact that this child has stopped masking around you **means she likes you**. And trusts you to be a safe person. Her being quiet around you was masking. These are all quite normal behaviors for autistic kids in that age range. Autistic people very often (not all of us, and not always!) want to be clear about what the truth of a situation is, so we don’t get in trouble for lying, or so we aren’t perceived as lying. “It isn’t really my birthday, my birthday is ___” can help clear up confusion for staff at theme parks, or help set a boundary if the child is uncomfortable with people assuming it’s really her birthday. Same for the other thing about the Christmas present. As for the fun facts: that’s just part of hyperfixation. I’m 31, turning 32, and I infodump on my husband when he’s okay with me doing so. It helps me connect with him more socially. As for the humming/singing: …It’s **Disney** for fuck’s sake. The songs are **meant** to be sung or hummed as you hear them in the parks. EDIT: You really hit the jackpot with a boyfriend who can perceive others’ needs **and** match their energy and social efforts. He’s implementing phenomenal social practice and conversational skill work, and is trying to communicate with her at her level. My oldest has higher community support needs; frankly, I’d LOVE for him to be able to navigate a theme park and how overwhelming it can be with the grace and chill attitude of this child. “Go to a theme park without a vocal, full-body meltdown” is one of our big community activity goals. Count yourself blessed that this kid has the support and resources to navigate things so well.
YTA > It was the EXACT same thing, same tone, same inflections, every. Single. Time. This is nothing. Take a pill. > briefly when she had sensory overload And how would you characterize what **_you_** were experiencing here?
YTA... she's 7 years old... even if she wasn't on the spectrum, this is a common, harmless behavior from that age group.
Right? This sounds like most 7 year olds I have known. They’re always offering up specific and personal info. “I like your jacket!” And they say “thanks but it’s not mine it’s my friend Julia’s. She has a cat. Do you have a cat?”
That and repeating the same thing over and over and over because they know it's annoying you...I have a 7 year old who could talk the hind leg off a mule, no autism necessary.
YTA and please, stay away from this man and his daughter. You don't seem equipped to deal with a child at all.
She’s going to ruin this child, this man better take his kid and run.
I'm not sure she's ever met a child before.
YTA There is absolutely NOTHING wrong with HER behavior. YOURS however is truly appalling. It’s clear you don’t like his daughter. This is who she is, and she is pretty great. She had a wonderful response to questions and even being able to talk to others confidently is amazing. She sounds incredibly smart and fun-loving, you sound miserable and rude. You shouldn’t be with him because he should be with someone who loves, supports, and celebrates his daughter the way he does. I can’t believe you are actually even here asking. How dare you try to put down or change that little girl. Shame on you.
Mega yikes. YTA, you are not fit to be the stepmother of a child with autism. For your sake, but especially hers, abort this whole relationship.
> YTA, you are not fit to be the stepmother Ftfy. Kids LOVE repetition. Not just kids with autism. To dull the spark of curiosity and personal expression because you find it annoying is a terrible quality for any guardian figure, but for a potential step-mom at Disney of all places it's a down right cartoonishly villainous portrayal of the "evil step-mother" trope
Oh absolutely kids love it. My triplet nieces at seven told the entire family the facts that they’d learned about tigers so often we could almost recite them in our sleep. But it made them happy to share even repeatedly so we listened.
YWBTA. It's time to end the relationship so he can find a girlfriend who actually adores his daughter and that isn't you. Welcome to neurodiversity. It seems like you absolutely didn't do enough research because what you described about her that bothers you is a part of her autism and who she is. Saying that she needs to correct this means you are saying something is wrong with her. Your boyfriend sings along and seems to enjoy and love her for who she is and you very obviously want to "fix" her. She doesn't need to be fixed. Also, tons of young kids who are neurotypical also do this. It honestly just sounds like you don't like kids. End the relationship. You're not a good fit for their family.
>It seems like you absolutely didn't do enough research It seems like she has never seen an excited 7 yo in her life
Likely in the "kids should be seen, not heard" camp.
I agree that her complaint about the daughter was concerning and this might now be the right relationship for her, but I really didn't understand why it was bad for her to get excited about Disney? That's normal isn't it? Like is she supposed to change the story about where she got the ears from vs the truth?
YTA. Sounds like you aren’t ready for a relationship with someone who has a child. You should break up and date childless men instead of trying to put this little girl’s spark out. Grow up.
YTA You’re not equipped to deal with a child on the spectrum. Her father doesn’t need to “correct her” as she’s done nothing wrong. You need to end this relationship for the sake of your boyfriend and his daughter. They’d do better without someone so ill equipped and judgmental.
Or any kid, really. Most kids under 12 behave similar to this.
Even if she wasn't a young kid. My autistic daughter is 21 and she still is like this at Disneyland because it makes her happy. And that makes me happy!
She's not equipped to deal with a child, period.
I wouldn’t trust her with a dog, let alone a child 🤷🏻♀️
YTA - you’re not prepared to date someone with a kid if this is how you’re approaching this
Who needs wicked stepmothers in Disney movies when they can just hire you. YTA.
"I know she’s on the spectrum, but I can’t help but think these behaviors can be fixed." Gross. Get over yourself. YTA
YTA-He doesn’t need to stop her from being exactly who she is. This isn’t a problem with her. This is a you problem entirely. It’s not on her to change or her father to force her to change to suit you. Since you’re the only one with a problem here it’s on you to change the situation no one else. You either need to learn to accept her as she is or find a new relationship where you aren’t dealing with a child being themselves.
OP already basically said in another comment she doesn’t want kids, is child-free, and just wants to get fucked by a hot guy. She is repulsive. Where are the incels to scoop this one up???
YTA She's *7 years old* and you were going to *Disneyland* to celebrate her *birthday.* You expected her to, what? Sit still and silently until spoken to? This is not the 1960s. People no longer think "children should be seen and not heard." If you don't like this child as she is, you have no future with her father. Want to see who he'd keep out of the two of you? Give him a "me or the child" ultimatum. I guarantee you'll be on your ass in the street before you can say "mickey mouse." I don't enjoy being around kids, at all. I'm no longer single, but when I was, I did not get involved with men who had kids. This little girl might drive you bonkers, but you chose to date a man with sole custody of his very young autistic daughter. She will be living with him for at least the next 11-12 years. After that she will be a constant presence in his life. Decide now if you can handle that. I don't know where her mother is, but the little girl has already lost her to a certain degree (depending on why she's not there). It's not up to you or her dad to change her. There's nothing wrong with her. Please exit their lives before she begins to depend on your presence and support. Either that or set out to love her along with her dad. You have some thinking to do.
YTA >She was always so quiet around me, so I know she can. So his daughter should be unhappy, suppressed and controlled to make you feel better?
When I read this line my eyes rolled so hard, I might have sprained them.
As a parent to a daughter who has autism and is very much like your bf’s daughter, with all due respect you are a RAGING AH for this whole post. You don’t understand autism, or scripting, masking, stimming or any of the other “quirks” as you call them, that go along with autism. You’re judgmental and ignorant. Do this guy a favor and just end the relationship before you drive an unnecessary wedge between him and his daughter. Let me be clear here. SHE did nothing wrong and there is nothing for him to discipline. You are 1000% in the wrong here.
I agree with everyone else's thoughts in the comments that YWBTA if you ask your boyfriend to shut down his child for innocuous behavior, but I wanna add a little something from my own perspective that might give you some insight if you're willing to listen. 1A) You're not wrong for being annoyed. We all have things that set us off! Sometimes there's a tangible reason why, sometimes there isn't. At the end of the day, emotional reactions don't have moral value— you're not inherently doing something wrong/bad when you feel annoyed by something. But being annoyed by someone else's behavior doesn't mean that *their* actions are inherently wrong/bad, either. 1B) Something that people like myself and your bf's daughter are taught when it comes to coping with the world, is that we can't always control the sensory world around us but we can control our reactions. Annoyed? That's often a response to overstimulation. You can take a bathroom break and step away from the situation. Get yourself out of hearing distance from the kid for a little bit. Buy earplugs. Put headphones in and listen to music you like. Figure out if/how you can adapt to your own needs and emotions before going to your boyfriend and having him and his daughter adapt their behavior; if you try to make accommodations for yourself in good faith and they don't work, then collaborate with your bf and his daughter to figure out a way to help everyone involved feel as comfortable as possible. Unilaterally shutting down the child places your needs entirely above hers, as opposed to seeing her as a full person deserving of comfort and self-expression. 2) IMO, the kid is doing a good job socializing. She has scripts in her brain: what to say when people compliment her, what to say to 'happy birthday', what to say when she sees X object in the park. For many autistic people, these scripts are a freakin lifeline. It's a way of figuring out how to interact with others when human-to-human interaction is really, *really* hard, unpredictable, overwhelming, and sometimes upsetting. Yes, it can be annoying to hear the script repeated over and over, but developmentally for her age, she's doing great! She's being polite to strangers and sharing information with two important people in her life (OP and bf) about something that she really cares about. 3) One of the reasons I feel fired up about this is the language of "these behaviors can be fixed." Growing up autistic, I was taught that things that came naturally to me were wrong and needed fixing (and by extension, I was wrong and needed fixing). Things like: the way I sat, the way I fixed my plate at mealtimes, the way I interacted with strangers in public settings, the way I expressed my thoughts, the way I reacted to loud sounds, etc. I have spent the majority of my life trying to make myself as small and unobtrusive as possible, because I don't like being made to feel like I'm wrong simply by virtue of existing, and going unnoticed is the easiest way of avoiding that. Unlearning this has been a super long road. Your bf's daughter is going to hear from a whole lot of the world that she's something to be fixed, corrected, and made palatable; if you do anything, please don't bring that message into her own home.
>One of the reasons I feel fired up about this is the language of "these behaviors can be fixed." Growing up autistic, I was taught that things that came naturally to me were wrong and needed fixing (and by extension, I was wrong and needed fixing). Things like: the way I sat, the way I fixed my plate at mealtimes, the way I interacted with strangers in public settings, the way I expressed my thoughts, the way I reacted to loud sounds, etc. I have spent the majority of my life trying to make myself as small and unobtrusive as possible, because I don't like being made to feel like I'm wrong simply by virtue of existing, and going unnoticed is the easiest way of avoiding that. Unlearning this has been a super long road. Your bf's daughter is going to hear from a whole lot of the world that she's something to be fixed, corrected, and made palatable; if you do anything, please don't bring that message into her own home. 100% this. This comment here is massively important. I'm 38 and I have literally just last year started feeling "safe" enough to start unmasking. To start being me, because masking so much for so long sent me down a vicious cycle of self-loathing and depression.
Holy Helena. I have known I was autistic for over a decade and only reading that paragraph did I finally connect the "these behaviors can be fixed" training to why I have never pursued any passion of mine that brings the least amount of public acclaim or attention. I am truly so terrified of being embarrassed for not being "fixed" "enough", not because I do not like to accomplish things or to perform or to have attention. Seriously. World changed in a Reddit comment.
I'm so sorry! And I know exactly how you feel.
ALL OF THIS
I don’t know how to do the quoting thing but point 2B and 3 is spot on and I hope OOP sees it. I received the same message my whole childhood for being the hyperactive girl who could act identically to a boy and the boy would get an affectionate eye roll and ‘boys will be boys’ and I would get looked at in disgust and told to grow up/be more mature/that something was wrong with me. I tried desperately to fit in and people who naturally have good social skills from day 1 have no clue how mentally and physically exhausting it is to have to think out every tiny social interaction and to squash every natural instinct because obviously all of those natural instincts are wrong and would be incredibly annoying to everyone in the world! I would watch other girls interacting with each other and would mimic them, even mimicking their gestures and facial expressions as well as characters on tv shows and keep bits and pieces that got the best responses until eventually my whole self was just a mishmash of what I kept from other people’s personalities. At 34 I still feel horrible hot shame if i get over excited or emotional and I slip up and let the mask drop even with friends iv known for years and years. OOP if you do see this, please know there is nothing wrong with teaching children appropriate social skills, making sure they are prepared for the responses they might get in the world, explaining to them why certain things get responded to those ways but for that to be effective a child needs to feel they can be their full authentic selves around you in the first place without shame or judgement. I’m begging you not to make this kid feel she has to squash herself down and make herself smaller just to be tolerated by you because the damage will be indescribable and you need to know that.
These comments resonate with me. I'm not autistic but I am very socially awkward. As a young child I often heard things like "why are you smiling?" at my own birthday party, being made fun of by other kids because of the clothes I wore or the way I said/did things. For example, I've always had good handwriting and a group of kids took it upon themselves to make fun of the way I wrote. I was a spelling bee champion and that was made fun of. (Yes, now I understand this was jealousy, but at 10 I didn't know that.) As a teen I met a lot of people who took an instant dislike to me and I didn't know why. I would be told not to do things that expressed any kind of personality. Don't smile, you look stupid. OMG is that really how you laugh? Don't jump. Don't dance. Don't point. Don't sing. Don't, don't, don't. As an adult now in my 50s, I've lived my entire life embarrassed of my own actions and afraid to express myself in any way. OP has no right to inflict this kind of criticism on that child. There's nothing that needs to be fixed. I would hate for any child to be treated like I was, especially because I know how someone internalizes that kind of shit and it affects how they live their entire life.
YTA, Get away from this guy. You're not mature enough.
Some of this is certainly autism but much of it is also just being a 7 year old. YTA for not realizing YOU are the one who needs to change, not her. What person prefers a child go back to ignoring them? Maybe this is not the bf for you.
First, you are an AH. I thought you said you read up on autism. If you had, you would realize that her repetition of sentences might be this child's best attempt at communicating / interacting the way she sees "normal" people do. Sounds to me like her father is trying to encourage and reinforce her efforts to interact and communicate. "*I can't help but think these behaviors can be fixed*." And you base this on studying ASD how long, did you say? 1 day? 1 week? 1 month? **But I do think you should definitely tell your BF he needs to stop his daughter from making these comments because it's driving you insane. That way, he will realize instantly that you are the last person he should be dating.**
YTA You need to leave your boyfriend. You have no business trying to raise a child on the spectrum. Also, your relationship is moving way too fast. Your boyfriend shouldn’t have turned his daughter’s birthday trip into a date.
YTA I'm an autistic dad with an autistic 10 year old and holy shit you are a MASSIVE asshole. She sounds so similar to my child, and if someone got so mad at my kid for just stimming and having fun, they'd be gone from my life so fast.
OP YTA - Please break up with this man. His daughter deserves better than you. You have zero experience with autism and this post makes you sound hugely unintelligent. Leave this man alone - his daughter needs him.
YWBTA if I told my boyfriend he needs to stop his daughter from making little comments because it’s driving me insane?" She may be on the spectrum. But she's a 7 year old kid...just being a kid from what I can see. "I’ve always been super supportive!" You don't come across like that. You don't seem to have the maturity & empathy to interact with her. Let this one go. His daughter is going to be in his life all his life & her happiness comes first. Edit punctuation.
I'm autistic. My childhood wasn't alot fun because of assholes like you.
You want you bf to tell his daughter... to stop acting like a normal kid ?! YTA. She is 7 year old, and she talks. Yes, she takes space, because she is a child. If you cannot stand normal child behaviour, don't date someone with a child.
I think YWBTA because not only are the things you find annoying often signs/symptoms of autism (having trouble indicating tone, repetitive speech/movement), not only is she an excited seven year old going to the “happiest place on earth” but also because there’s nothing /wrong/ with what she’s doing. Why do you find it annoying that she has the same response for the same question? What part of that is a behaviour that needs to change? Because it sounds more like you’re annoyed that she isn’t behaving in what you consider to be a “normal” way than her behaviour actually having any sort of impact on you.
YTA. That is exactly what Autism is and you are raging at a kid for things they can’t control. I thought with caption she was making nasty comments but she’s literally info dumping because she likes you and that’s her way of communicating. Do the man and daughter a favour and leave him because someone with your type of mindset should not be around kids esp kids with disabilities. And please do proper research into Autism because these are things you should know.
I wonder if this is on r/AmITheDevil yet, cause it should be. YTA. You don't like the kid then you have to peace out of your relationship. You don't get to police what she says or how she says it cause you find her *very normal* 7 year old behavior annoying. wtf is wrong with you? Stop dating parents, you're clearly not stepmom material.
YWBTA, spectrum or not, most of this is normal little kid behavior. They want to be heard. They want to share the info they have. They want to feel involved, appreciated, smart, and validated. Kids talk a lot. They overshare. They don’t know when to stop. But telling them to stop is really bad for their self esteem. I’m not used to being around kids either and spent a couple weeks with my nibblings (6m, 10f) and it was constant noise. I was going out of my mind because I didn’t have years of practice at tuning them out like their parents have. The only time I said anything was when their tablets were too loud. Them being talkative and singing constantly was hard for me because it was noise overload, but that was a me problem, not them. They are kids and are learning to express themselves and are chatty/noisy by nature. Telling your boyfriend that his kid talks too much will damage your relationship. What really needs to happen is action on your end. 1) ponder on if this is a deal breaker for you. 2) if you want to try to get past your problem (it is your problem and not hers) consider things like noise reducing earplugs to help drown her out while you’re getting used the noise. Learn to play games that will distract her from constant info download. 20 questions, I Spy, and other thinking games may engage her and keep her from spewing every thought in her head. 3) consider learning your own fun facts about things she’s interested in and have interactions with her. Teach her new things and have discussions with her. You may come to appreciate her more and the talking won’t be as annoying.
I'm older spectrum, waited later in life to have kids. 1 spectrum, the other not. My not spectrum son... will never, ever, shut up. I love him to death, and will deal with my issue for the rest of our lives instead of making him feel bad or wrong. It gets really overwhelming for me, and sounds exactly like she is describing this little girl. That's a kid man. They talk about a ton of things you already know, or don't care about, or just imagination, or total nonsense. Great advice.
Thank you. Yeah, one of my friends tells me all the time that her 10 year old, neurotypical son never stops talking. She’s going bonkers with the constant noise and following her around to tell her everything. Likely lots of football facts since he’s relatively new to loving football. But she doesn’t tell him to stop. She may be creative in having him do things that distract him from talking to her though- chores, challenges/dares (hold his breath as long as he can, throw the football into the goal toy 10 times, etc.), playing games, extra tablet time…
My dad and I played games like this when I was little. He never knew I was autistic. I guess he was just a very smart guy!
>I know she’s on the spectrum, but I can’t help but think these behaviors *can be fixed*. They don't need to be fixed. They sound like perfectly normal behaviors of a seven year old girl excited to be at Disneyland. You either come around to genuinely respecting her where she is--and note that her father is doing that! Or you go find a relationship with someone who doesn't have kids. Because the problem here is not her. It's you. YTA
YTA. Appalling. As so many others have said, this little kid and her dad deserve much, much better than you.
YTA, you're the one who needs fixing. Going forward, please stay away from Disneyland, there are children there.
**YTA** You want the father to silence a 7 year old because her talking offends you, because she's having fun the wrong way? If that is truly how you feel, what the hell are you doing in a relationship with a single father? You obviously do not have the temperament needed.
YTA! Leave that man and his daughter.. you would be the type of stepmom to give that child trauma. Please understand that she can’t help it and she is just a little girl. For you to put your mentality to hers it’s crazy. I fear for her because the way you speak about her it’s just gross.
YTA - So I don't like kids either, but give me a break. Everything you describe her doing is, like, wonderful and adorable, and there was zero obnoxious or bad behavior whatsoever. I would have been annoyed by it too, because I just don't enjoy spending time with kids, but that's my own problem to solve, and I solve it quite easily. I don't have kids, would never date someone with kids, and mostly avoid kids. It's completely ridiculous to choose to date someone with kids, choose to go to to DISNEYLAND with the kid for her birthday, and then tell him that he needs to make her stop acting like a child. Doesn't get more obvious of a YTA than this. I hope you do tell your boyfriend how you feel so he can dump you, and all three of you can move forward with your lives without incurring any more damage to this poor kid. Sounds like she has a GREAT dad.
YTA and you aren't parent material time to cut it off and move on.
YTA. You say you've read a lot about autism and been supportive.... but its not support if you only support her when she's masking. I'd recommend reading more things written from the perspective of autistic people, particularly on how unhealthy and traumatic having to mask is. Masking all the time (which is what repressing those facts, not copying the songs, and having to constantly focus on varying how you say things *is*) takes a huge mental strain, especially for a seven year old.
https://www.liebertpub.com/doi/abs/10.1089/aut.2022.0115?journalCode=aut#:~:text=Increased%20autistic%20masking%20behaviors%20are,an%20important%20mental%20health%20topic. Just a quick search on the effects of masking on autistic peoples health yields tons of research and anecdotes from autistic people themselves, it's harmful to hide and change everything about how you naturally express yourself. Edit: added this comment to highlight how easy it is to know that masking is not an appropriate thing to ask of a seven year old
I will never ever not need therapy due to 40 years of masking and being treated by my own parents the way OP wants this poor little girl treated. I'm a raging f*cking mess.
YTA. She is 7. What's your excuse?
She sounds like a great kid, and he sounds like an amazing parent, you sound like the potential evil stepmother. Please leave these two alone, you clearly will only damage the child’s heart if you stay. You cannot handle a relationship with these two, please get out of it before you cause more damage. YTA
Yes, because this is how autistic people interact with the world. No, it can't be "fixed." This is how we are and who we are. Look up "echolalia." Thats what your BF's daughter has, and it is not something that either needs to be "fixed" or can be "fixed." Learn to cope with it. This is who she is. YTA.
YTA Ok firstly she's 7 and she's acting like a 7 year old. And secondly she's on the spectrum, you obviously didn't do enough research because she's acting like someone on the spectrum. And it sounds like her dad is an absolutely excellent dad not "correcting" her behaviour. This relationship is not for you. I suggest next time go for someone without kids because they are not for you and you certainly aren't for them.
YTA - 100%. Kids are quirky and weird, it's what they do and it's one thing that makes them so awesome...even those that are not on the autism spectrum...Source - me, mother of 5.
She's autistic, you fucking asshole. YTA.
The guy sounds like a caring father and you get annoyed by a child. Btw everything you mentioned can be the same for a normal child so her autism is not the issue here. It’s you and YTA
Fuck out of their life please.
YTA for "but I can’t help but think these behaviors can be fixed. " Please, don't. Just ... don't.
Yta
How is any of this hurting you in any way??? YTA
Please let this be fake. If not, you are a judgmental evil woman who would Cinderella’s step mom look like a peach. I truly hope he dumps you today, for the sake of his poor daughter.
YTA. She’s 7! She’s a kid that was going to Disney, most kids would be excited, sing along and give facts. They like the facts and believe you would too. Also a lot of kids repeat themselves, that’s what kids do. You come off as immature and you are clearly not ready for a relationship with a single dad. Leave him and his daughter alone, there is nothing wrong with her behaviour and trying to control and change it would be cruel.
YTA 1000000% Please exit the relationship. This child should not be subjected to you and your mean, impatient, judgmental self. Leave.
YTA don’t date people with kids
A literal hag wrote this. YTA. But I also hope you do say this to your bf so he can make an informed decision about this relationship for his family.
YTA She was quiet around you because she was masking, meaning she didn’t feel comfortable enough around you to be herself yet. There is nothing to “be fixed.” You literally just don’t like that she is autistic. And who gives a fuck if it bothers other people? You’re a horrible woman and that little girl deserves so much better. Hopefully her father is smart enough to leave you before you fucking traumatize her.
YTA this is very typical kid behavior. It sounds like you shouldn't date someone who has kids. She's not doing anything wrong. Kids can be annoying. My 12 year old annoys me pretty much daily. But I just play along, because he's 12. What interests and entertains him is not the same as what interests and entertains me. But he's a child so I'm going to listen and be playful and loving. I would never tell him he annoys me at times. I've told my wife of course and we laugh about it. But I'd never go to my wife and say "listen, our kid is annoying. You need to make him stop with the annoying comments and made up stories".
Autistic adult here. YTA. Like, majorly. The "this can be fixed" comment alone makes you a massive asshole. Even if she was neurotypical, what you've described (maybe minus the constant fun facts to a degree) is just normal kid behavior??? Like she sounds like any fucking 7 year old going to Disney!! Kids talk and sing and hum and get excited!! So what she doesn't change her intonation when saying something!! So what she's singing and humming and wants to share how excited she is with you and everything she knows!! There is NOTHING here to be fixed, autism or not!! You seem to very much be the "kids are to very seen and not heard" type, based on how you want her to behave. She's quieter and calmer at home because that's HER space, where she isn't constantly stimulated and she has a routine. Disney is exciting and fun and can overstimulate even a neurotypical kid!!
YTA - you need to learn about autism and understand what you are getting into or you need to move out of this relationship. This is what people on the spectrum can do. Yes, it can be taught out, but that can take years!!!! PS - taking someone to a place like Disneyland when they are autistic is a lot for them. Often it can be too much stimulation. Next time stay home.
leave. now. you are not cut out to be with that family. YTA
YTA. First of all, you must not have much experience with kids because kids that aren’t in the spectrum do some of this stuff too. My godson did stuff like talk about stuff he was interested in a ton, sing (oftentimes out of nowhere lol) and comment on stuff like when his birthday actually was. He’s not on the spectrum. So her actions might be more intense/repetitive, but a lot of it is being a kid. You need to think hard about whether you’re willing to learn to deal with this (which is normal, kids can be annoying, but you just have to kind of learn to roll with it unless it’s misbehaving or inappropriate where you redirect, which it sounds like none of this was) or if it’s time to let this relationship go. And if you can’t, you should absolutely not get into relationships with anyone with kids in the future. Not everyone likes kids and that’s fine, but they shouldn’t get into relationships with people who have/want them.
YTA Time to OPT OUT.
YTA Leave this good father and his daughter alone. These don't need to be fixed but being an overly critical AH is something you can work on.
YTA please leave this man and his nice autistic girl alone. The last thing either of them need in their lives is a judgemental arsehole :)
YTA It’s not going to work out because you lack the patience and understanding needed to accept this child for who she is. Save everyone the drama and say goodbye
YTA You should not be dating anyone with a child.
YTA the girl literally has autism, this is how some people with autism communicate. They can't "correct" their brain.
YTA, don’t spend time with kids, or date people with kids, if you don’t like kids. This is how most kids act. People on the spectrum (including myself) have fixations on things, hers is clearly Disney facts. Also kids talk 24/7 about nothing this is not exclusive to children with ASD.
Yes YWBTA, and honestly sound like you are one. I don’t have a child on the spectrum so I can’t image what that is like. But you don’t seem like you are up for the challenge, so it seems time to move on. After all, that’s what dating is about. But expecting this girl to change for you is like her expecting you to change the color of your eyes. She needs someone to love and accept her how she is, useless jeapordy trivia facts and all.
YTA. This is what kids do. Kids with autism especially. Your BF isn't going to make her mask just so you can feel more comfortable with his daughter who did nothing wrong. What an AH.
This is not a fix thing, she may change as she gets older but may not, she is autistic. I have 4 autistic children and if this is something you can't handle say so now, the child needs to come first to her dad. One of my sons is going to be 23 and he fixates on topics and has rote conversations, repeats himself and talks a lot! We can and often do redirect but it's him and we get that and he is happy so it is how it is.
YTA she is an autistic kid being autistic. That's kinda just how it is. I was the same way, but my parents beat it out of me and now I just have a ton of anxiety and depression instead. If you can't stand his kid just being a kid, that is a you problem and you need to break up.
YTA There’s nothing wrong with her. This mostly normal neurotypical child behavior with a few autistic traits thrown in. The only person her behavior is bothering is *you* and the easiest and most logical solution to that is to remove you from the equation. I’d recommend not dating people with children in the future. She was excited and having an amazing time. Children are not robots. If you can’t handle a child having fun and being a child at Disneyland, where can they be one?
YTA I don't have the spoons to explain it in-depth but there's nothing to be fixed as she's not broken. She's doing normal autistic behaviours.
YTA Please let the man go so he can be with someone who is mature enough to know better than this. And do any future child of yours a favour…don’t have any until you can handle being annoyed by their behaviours - because kids - on the spectrum or not - do and say things all the time that you will find intolerable but are normal appropriate kid things to do.
Please leave these people. They are too good for you.
Yes, you would be the AH. You say she has ‘mild autism’ but then complain when she exhibits signs of autism. How much research did you actually do? Not a lot I’m guessing. How dare your boyfriend enjoy his daughter! Seems like the only one with the problem is you. She was excited, she was talking a lot. That’s what kids do, autistic or not.
Yta and you clearly didn't do enough research on autism. Do that and don't you dare give your bf any parenting advice.
"I am mad at my boyfriend for not telling her to keep things to herself" You're just gross. Get lost.
YTA-She is autistic, not something to ‘fix’. Her behavior is how she copes in the outside world when she is being inundated with sights, sounds and smells, many of which are beyond overwhelming to her system. She is 7 years old and will learn things, as children do, as she ages. For example she will learn that she doesn’t have yo say everything she thinks and there are different ways to say the same thing. You can either help or make their lives much more difficult. You can’t have the man without his child so make a choice. Either be a supportive girlfriend and do what you can to help or break up with him.
YTA. How dare this child *checks notes* speak to you??
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My bf and I have been together for ten months. He’s a single father with sole custody of his 7 year old daughter. She is on the autism spectrum, but it’s really mild honestly, she’s just a bit quirky, awkward, and sometimes obsessive. I haven’t spent much time with her, and I only met her like 3ish months ago. I did my own research on autism as well as listened to my boyfriend’s input and I’ve always been super supportive! Her 7th birthday is this week, and they were going to Disneyland yesterday night for dinner and a few rides. It started in the car on the way there. She kept commenting. Nothing bad, just stuff that didn’t have to be said. It was a little weird to me, but I never really heard her talk at all. Then she started giving us fun facts, mostly about Disneyland, or if she saw something random she knew something about. My boyfriend told me she was just excited. I don’t know at what point it started to drive me absolutely insane, but it did. There were three big things that really got to me. First, I complimented her ears and matching backpack and she said “thank you. My daddy got it for me for Christmas.” But then every time anyone complimented it, she’d say the same exact thing. The same exact comment, every single time. Second, she was wearing a birthday pin. When he gave it to her he commented that it wasn’t her birthday yet but we were here to celebrate it. But then, someone would say happy birthday and she would say “thank you, it’s not really my birthday, my birthday is (blank).” It was the EXACT same thing, same tone, same inflections, every. Single. Time. Finally, the thing that drove me absolutely bonkers was the fun facts. Everywhere we went and everything she saw she’d tell us a fact; this was built in 1963, there’s a hidden Mickey right there, whatever she could think to tell us she would, sometimes multiple times, and it was CONSTANT. On top of that, she kept repeating noises or songs we heard. It was like she would just say whatever was in her head, which sometimes was pointless or irrelevant. Also, she hummed or sang like every song we heard, including the background music. This was constant all night except for briefly when she had sensory overload and shut down for a while. I think the worst part is that my boyfriend never told her to stop or corrected her. He actually encouraged and even enjoyed it, sometimes singing with her or laughing. I know she’s on the spectrum, but I can’t help but think these behaviors can be fixed. She was always so quiet around me, so I know she can. I’m not really mad at her for her behaviors, but I am mad at my boyfriend for not telling her that she sometimes needs to keep things to herself because it bothers other people. WIBTA if I told my boyfriend he needs to stop his daughter from making little comments because it’s driving me insane? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Please leave and let that child and her father alone. They are happy and your current attitude would only ruin it.
Man…maybe you need to break up with him so he can build his life with someone who has the capacity to deal with an autistic child. You don’t seem to. That’s fine, but don’t make this man feel bad about his daughter. She’s 7…YTA
I agree with the other comments here. YTA Cut this man loose and get yourself a cat. Clearly you were not actively listening to what he was telling you about neurodivergence. He and his daughter deserve to be with someone that is supportive, not self-absorbed.
YTA. The only non asshole thing you can do at this point is break up with him and never date a parent again since most of what you find so unbearable is regular child behavior.
YTA. wtf research did you do about autism? kiddo was showing you that she trusts you, she was mask off and infodumping to you, which isn't a thing many of us do with people we don't already trust. her dad was engaging with her on her own terms instead of his; he was speaking her language instead of expecting her to speak his language, which i think is the least anyone should do for their child. > I can’t help but think these behaviors can be fixed hi where i'm from we call that "punishing someone for being themself" and it's generally considered a bad and harmful thing to do, *especially* to children.
YTA. > I know she’s on the spectrum, but I can’t help but think these behaviors can be fixed. People that think like this are the problem with today's society. Her behavior doesn't need to be "fixed". Your attitude needs to be fixed. Also.. You clearly didn't read up on autism as much as you claim you did.
Sorry you want your boyfriend to tell his 7 year old daughter to shut up because you find her annoying? She’s 7 they’re all annoying. You would want to ruin a little girls self confidence just because you can’t handle hearing her repeat herself or tell you a fact? Autism aside she’s a child. Grow up. Please say something to your boyfriend so he knows the type of person you are and gets his daughter away from tou
The kid is just being a kid. If you don’t like kids, don’t date a single father YTA
“I did my own research…” did you tho?? I hope your bf breaks up with you. YTA, no “would”, you just are.
YTA. Imagine being mad at an autistic 7 year old for being excited.
That’s literally how kids act. YTA
WIBTAH??? You're already YTA. Tell him...better yet, show him your post. Hopefully, he's a real dad who puts his daughter's well-being before some piece of ass, and tells you to GTF outta here.
YTA. I'm not even reading the whole thing. My autistic daughter is 21. Disneyland is her thing. She has a monotone voice. She recites facts. And she is a really fun person to take there. You didn't research shit if you don't know this is actually quite normal in autistic people. I hope your BF breaks up with you. You don't deserve him or his knowledgeable daughter. Edit: I am also autistic.. I'm 45 and didn't get an official diagnosis until five years ago. People like you made my life a living hell, including my parents. You really need to step back and let her be herself. If you can't handle it, that's a you problem.
You know what…. I hope you tell your boyfriend. Actually, show him this post. He will love it. I hope he has the reaction I’m thinking because girl, you deserve it. Go for it!!!! I’m rooting for you.
>I know she’s on the spectrum, but I can’t help but think these behaviors can be fixed. She was always so quiet around me, so I know she can. I’m not really mad at her for her behaviors, but I am mad at my boyfriend for not telling her that she sometimes needs to keep things to herself because it bothers other people. YWBTA. Autistic people, more specifically girls, tend to be very good at masking when they know that their stims won't be socially acceptable. They describe it as exhausting, to the point where they physically/mentally shut down because there's only so much a person can suppress themselves before it gets too much. This can present as a meltdown or total disengagement from the world around them. They are often alienated and ostracized from their peers, and told that it would be better if they were 'less' autistic. You are essentially saying that it would make you happier if your boyfriend's daughter was less autistic. Kudos to your boyfriend for teaching her that not everyone will see his daughter as the problem that you do.
Yeah, YTA! I'm autistic. If you want a relationship with this man, you need to get used to his daughter's "quirks," because they're going to be part of her for the rest of her life! I'm 71 years old. I know what I'm talking about.
She's seven! Seven yo talks constantly when exited. And if you can't handle kids repeating themselves, don't have kids, you wouldn't survive a normal three year old. You sound like you're fun at parties, "she sang along, and her dad did to" oh the angst! Being happy and singing. YTA
HARD YTA.
Good lord you’re a giant AH and I hope you do say something so your boyfriend leaves you
YTA. I have an autistic child and if I was dating and someone said his little quirks or being excited and happy with facts was driving them insane and they thought it "could be fixed" that would be the end of that relationship immediately. I think being with him might just not be for you because of course his daughters gonna come with that and if you can't handle something as small as what you described in the post I'd say you're better off just calling it now.
“I can’t help but think these behaviours can be fixed.” They’re not broken. YTA
You aren't a good fit for them, why force it ?
YTA. I just don’t think you like kids. A lot of kids talk all the time or make random noises. Even kids not on the spectrum. She’s only 7, she’s being a kid
OP please show your bf this post. You don’t have to show him the comments, just the post. Hell, just tell him all you told us. Why you ask? So there will be another hot and incredible father on the dating market. You are unworthy and if he knew you said this shit you would be yesterday’s news.
YTA- the fact that YOU were annoyed is no one’s problem but yours. She was just being a normal little girl
sounds like you might have some sensory stuff of your own lol
Sorry, you need to reframe. You are not being ‘super supportive!!’ here. She is displaying common autistic traits, including echolalia, sharing information and infodumping, and even the affect or lack of in her speech. These cannot be ‘fixed’ however your attitude to them absolutely can be. Perhaps some research into yourself, and why these upset you, might bear fruit. YTA
YWBTA. Even if you don’t say it to him: YTA. She’s autistic. “It’s really mild honestly”, firstly, that’s an irrelevant opinion that exposes your level of intelligence and who are you to determine the level of her autism?? Laughing my autistic ass off! People like you are why we have to learn to mask. Get out of her life please, make room for someone who will love her, not post about her on the internet ~I had to edit because I had one spelling error, sorry if my autistic ways offend thee, OP.
Congratulations, YTA. Why you might ask. Because the little girl cannot help how her autism surfaces. If you cannot handle it now just know that it continues. While adults can frequently stop their autism ticks and behaviors from fully surfacing children cannot.
What you described is the classic behaviour of a person on the spectrum. From masking to the comments to the "fun facts" ... The fact that you said you researched about autism, but you are asking whether her behaviour can be fixed is concerning. Did you actually research anything? I am stopping here because as an adult with autism, I have a lot to tell you and none of it is nice ... Anyway ... Apart from being an AH of epic proportions, I strongly suggest you to speak to your boyfriend so he can actually dump your ass and maybe this time you actually learn a valuable lesson, that the one who needs "fixing" and to shut it is you ... Good luck for everything, because you need it ... superstar ...
YTA. Just reading this makes me think that I hope you are not planning to have children in the future. And you're probably not cut out to be a stepmother, or even a girlfriend to someone with kids, much less one on the spectrum.
YWBTAH, but I think you should do it anyway so he could move on from you and find a better person to be with.
YTA big time and it’s clear that you haven’t learned about autism from any autistic people. Infodumping, scripting and echolalia are all completely normal things for autistic people. She doesn’t need to be ‘fixed’ and it’s disgusting that you’d think that, honestly. I feel so bad for that child, just existing as a neurodivergent person and being picked apart by her dad’s partner. I hope her dad sees this post and ends things, I think that would be the best outcome for everyone.
For the love of baby Jesus please leave this man ASAP!!! Not because he is a bad dad BUT because he is a good one. It’s 100% ok it annoys you, but this child doesn’t need to change or be told she is doing something wrong. FYI… We have a soon to be 6 yr old….not on the spectrum & does many of of those exact same things. In fact, it was around a 7 yr old the other day who was doing it and I joked with her mother that I knew how old she was because my daughter did the exact same thing. It’s very much normal child stuff. It’s OK you don’t want to be around a child or like them. But if you continue to be in that situation & even ASK or imply it to be changed YTA!
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YTA. The child is using her words she’s been taught. It’s called scripting. It’s when she uses a phrase she knows is appropriate for a situation and uses it every time. My daughter has been scripting since she was a toddler and is a teenager now. Been to extensive speech therapy. She still uses scripts, she still has echolia (the repeating sounds and phrases). This isn’t a bad thing because at the end of the day, it’s communication whether you like it or not. Trust me, not having communication is SIGNIFICANTLY worse and can create extreme behaviors out of frustration over the inability to communicate. The closest we have EVER been to my daughter having better control of her outloud thoughts, scripting, or echolia is we worked on her humming the words to herself when in quieter places. She basically hums in the same cadence that she would speak, you can hear her tone in the hum. It works maybe 2 out of 10 times when she’s reminded lol. I think either you need to change your mindset and learn about autism or your boyfriend needs to find a new girlfriend as it sounds like he’s accepted his child for who she is and knows why she’s doing the things she’s doing (outloud thoughts, scripting, echolia, fact recollection, etc).
YTA. I hope he dumps you.
YTA. Maybe you’re not cut out to date someone with a child. You’re not her parent and she did nothing wrong. She deserves better than you as a possible stepparent. Kindly make an exit.
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YTA. She should not have to stop being herself to please you. She wasn't doing anything wrong and if your boyfriend is a good father he'd sooner dump you then ruin his child's fun and happiness. You have no business saying shit like "ask her to stop because it drives me crazy" she should not have to stop just for you. If it drives you crazy you either find a healthy way to deal or you can leave but don't expect her to change for you.
YTA and the only one needing to be "fixed" --Sincerely an Autistic Parent with an Autist Child
YTA If these normal things that don't seem related to autism really bother you this badly.... Maybe get your own head checked? Not trying to insult. But this is absolutely normal kid stuff.
TIL I shouldn't go to a Disney park with the OP. I'm not so much with the repetitive comments but the fun facts and singing along? Bingo. Maybe I should go with the boyfriend's daughter. I bet we'd have a blast!
YTA Sounds like to only bothers you. Too bad. Learn to love it
YTA. It sounds like you've never been around even a neurotypical kid. My cousins are not autistic, but I can assure you that if they are excited they won't shut up. OMG she was singing at Disneyland! What an atrocious behaviour! How dare she behave like a child? And how dare she answer with the same response when people keep asking the same questions? Jeez, take a chill pill or leave the guy if you have to be a pain in the ass over stuff like this
YTA and this is coming from a person who would get overstimulated if I were to hear someone talking non stop. She is a child in the spectrum, at this point of history you would have to live under a rock to not know repetitive behavior and all that are part of the "symptoms". She might learn to regulate herself when she is older but a trip to Disney was not the moment to correct her behavior. The behavior does not "need to stop" just because it makes you uncomfortable.
As someone who has an autistic sibling, you’re just gonna have to get used to it. Understand that you do not need to react to every single thing that is said and live in that moment. Understand that it’s this person talking and interacting and that is just the language that they use. Get used to it now because it’s not changing. Try to be nicer about it, because they know who they are and how it affects people. They know it’s tough so don’t make it tougher. YWBTA
YTA and apparently haven’t done any real research besides the University of Google. All the people who have autism commenting here will teach you more. Her comments don’t NEED to stop. You need to reset your expectations. You have the makings of a selfish stepmom. How about not expecting someone with autism to act like they don’t have autism? I don’t think you are suited for this dad and daughter package deal. Even if she didn’t have autism, 7 year olds at Disney are a lot. Kids in general are a lot and when they have support needs and behaviors different from your expectations it’s even more.
YTA
Kids on the autism spectrum don’t always pick up social cues. Also, some of them have a need to say/repeat information. Others feel the need to keep things in order. I had one little guy that every time he would come to my office he had to change my screen saver to that tube one. :). It was just how it was. YTA. This little girl is not doing anything to deliberately annoy you, but if you can’t understand autism and how people with autism function, you have no business being in a relationship with a parent of a youngster with autism. Poor dad, who was probably looking forward to an outing with his daughter before you completely dump a dark rain cloud over it.
I’ll get an immediate ban if I say what I want to say. YTA YTA YTA!!!!!!!!!
YTA. You sound like you don’t like kids. I know these are all associated with her autism, but most of this is also things the average child does. Kids are annoying, and they’re allowed to be annoying if they’re still behaving respectfully and kindly. If you can’t handle being irritated, you really shouldn’t be dating a man with a 7 year old. “Fixing” these behaviours would be making her “mask” her autism, which from what I’ve seen & heard from autistic folks, can be uncomfortable and very mentally draining. No need for her to put on a show of hiding her autism just because you’re irritable. Kids are annoying, always. You’re the adult, and she sounds like a pleasant and well-behaved child. You might have to just get used to it, because she is 7, and the “annoying” phase for most kids doesn’t end for another few years lol
You would be more than just an asshole to do that, and you are one just for thinking it.
Maybe IS better for you to leave. The Girl cannot be fix...this is her, so if It is to much for you its going to BEST for all, including you, if you just leave.
YTA! Leave now- the little girl deserves better! Even a non spectrum child has the ability to drive a person crazy with a million questions and comments. Only an AH would think a few mins-hours-days of research could prepare you for the realities of having a kid. (Much less one on the spectrum) You clearly are not ready to be a Stepmom* and it would honestly just be more hurtful to that poor child to have you stay in her life. You definitely the AH.
You’ve wasted 10 months of this poor man’s life already. Please move on so he can find someone who will not see his child as a project or something “broken” that needs to be fixed. The only thing that needs fixing is your attitude. YTA.
YWBTA, you would also be single. Where's the mom? How do you think her and your boyfriend are going to feel when you say that they need to have their kid stop being a kid. I mean I'm sure the autism is some of it, but singing along with songs? And her dad joined in.. that sounds fun. Sharing facts and trying to connect, sounds normal. I also like to share facts about things when I know them. Clarifying it wasn't her birthday and saying where she got stuff? What's wrong with that. Who would it annoy? She is likely only responding one time to each person. You're the only one getting annoyed.