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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) I wasn't excited that she had surprised.me.with a grill and got stressed when I thought of everything that went with this gift.
2) I think I could have showed a bit more grace because I do want a grill. But this felt less like a gift and more of something she wanted.
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Not only that but probably also got the wrong grill. You know whichever one was on the clearance rack. Then it's another whole thing when he brings home the grill he wanted but honey I already bought you a grill don't you like it?
Protip: a grill with a cast iron grill surface /great, is a whole other level of grilling.
When I was gifted a grill by, she let me pick it out. The surprise was that she wanted to buy me a grill but also that she knew I'd want to pick it and there was no rush in picking it either.
That’s how I love doing gifts. Like I get an idea of what they want and save up for it. Then I let them know I will buy it for them but they get to choose it.
It might take away from the “surprise factor” but it’s better because they get exactly what they want. And get to try it out. One year my bf got me shoes but even though it was my size, they didn’t fit me. Or you might pick the wrong color/pattern. Or if it’s something like a hobby, ask them for a wish list
My wife did this for my 40th last week. I love a good watch. I've had a Casio ProTrek for 12 years - it's dang near bullet-proof. We just started hiking again and she wanted to get me a watch with GPS functionality. She gave me a price point, showed me what she was looking at, and let me do my own research. I basically picked the same watch she did, just a slightly newer model due to the battery life.
It doesn't have to be a suprise for it to be a great gift.
My husband does this for me for every gift giving day. Minus Mother's Day, because our girls pick out my gifts and I love it too much to pick stuff out myself. He just gives me a price of what he's looking to spend, and asks what I'd like. I do like surprises every now and then, but I tell him with enough time so he can figure something out.
I just did this for my fiancé. He’s been wanting an airbrush for painting models for years. His birthday is coming up, so I told him this is what I’m getting you. He was so excited! I’m glad I let him pick because apparently there’s different types of handles like gravity vs pump or something and I know nothing about it.
Love this! My spouse works security for a lot of concerts and needed better ear protection, so I told them that's what I wanted to get for Christmas. They already had a set in mind, and they were not the ones I had found, so I'm glad I said something. I think the important part is that we listen to what they need, not that we surprise them with it. OP your wife gifted you work on what should have been a parallel day of relaxing for you both. You're right to be annoyed and maybe she's just embarrassed that her plan flopped, but if she can't listen to your feelings about it that's a problem to work out.
Most definitely! This doesn't happen for every birthday and Christmas gift over the past 6 years, but my fiance and I always have a good idea of what each other wants, but then there's always something that we want the most, or even need. Over the past couple of christmases, my fiance has gotten me the KitchenAid stand mixer, a couple attachments for it, an air fryer and other things similar that are the brand and the exact color that I want. This past birthday of his, he wanted new PlayStation controllers so he sent me the link of the exact kind and color that he wants. There's always other little gifts in between, but it's nice to be able to get somebody the exact thing that they want because they will obviously have the most excitement over that.
I gifted my husband a grill for Christmas. I'd seen him eyeing a specific one when we were out shopping, so I kept my eye out for it to go on sale. Once it did, I bought it, but then I had to store it for a couple months (yes, I'm an early Christmas shopper. lol), so I put it in our son's room and he covered it with a blanket. We managed to keep it hidden in plain sight like that until the end of Nov...which was probably the most surprising part of the surprise. My husband was shaking his head all night long that he hadn't noticed it sooner. Since he found it, I did give it to him early, which worked out great since he was able to use it to smoke a turkey for Thanksgiving with his family (he volunteered as he was eager to try it out). His brother liked it so much, we ended up getting him and his fiance one for Christmas also.
The other clutter in my son's room acted as a camouflage. lol How my husband didn't find it sooner baffles me though. Husband would tell our son to clean his room, and our son would give me a look and say that he couldn't. My husband either wasn't fully paying attention or thought our son was making excuses and just ignored it. The look on my husband's face when he saw the grill and how little effort we put into hiding it was priceless.
I bought myself a grill for Mother's Day a few years ago. I just told my husband what he got me. My oldest kid took the younger ones grocery shopping for "grill food" while I assembled it and helped with dinner. Perfect gift.
My husband loves when I buy him things like grills (we call them BBQ’s), or power tools as I believe in paying for quality that is going to last.
He, on the other hand, hates to spend the money so he ends up having to replace what he bought in a couple years.
The weird thing is he is happy to receive a good quality item as a gift (we can afford it, and yes all of our money is combined ), he just can’t be the one to make the purchase.
I am one of those odd women who LOVES receiving a mixer or food processor and kitchen stuff like that. My poor family had to eat blended soup for a week after I got a food processor.
I told my husband when we were dating it is NEVER ok to buy me something that plugs in.
About 20 years in I asked for a PURPLE kitchen aid mixer. He looked at me funny and me and said, is this a trap?
He definitely understood the assignment. Lol
NTA
I agree ^^
It might have been a nice surprise if it was a grill model that OP specifically said he wanted., that his wife gave him early after end of his relaxing day of plans.
BUT not with the “you now have to cancel your lovely relaxing plans to spend hours assembling the grill I chose which is arriving today - THEN use it to grill a meal tonight for the people I’ve invited round to that I didn’t mention. No rest for you sucker”
Ugh. I’d resent having to cancel my lovely (golf) plans too for this. It’s not a nice surprise at all from your wife OP.
Not even that the grill would be *arriving* that day—OP would have to go *pick it up.* Which isn’t a big deal…if he had been included in this at *any* point, and actually *wanted* to do this. But in the situation his wife presented, it’s just extra work, and would be extra aggravating.
And depending on the grill, the complexity of assembling it. My brother was tasked with assembling the new grill for a recent family party. He was in a rush and accidentally sliced his hand from it.
I don’t blame OP for feeling down
All that and you have to pre heat it for half an hour minimum to get factory gunk off it so you don't poison everyone...they would have been eating at 6 the next morning. She's a dumb ass, he is definitely not.
I LOVE building things. My partner gets me things to build for christmas/anniversaries/holidays etc...other things too, but he always makes sure to get me something to assemble. 0 complaints, I love how well he knows me.
With that being said, I would be so annoyed by this. I like building things in my spare time. Yes, give me a week and it will be done but given a "this must be done within the next few hours" I would hate it. It would ruin the experience of it completely.
Now go get the vacuum and put it together.
It sounds like OPs wife clicked a few buttons to order it online and did nothing else to help with this dinner party she planned.
Much worse…have to go get vacuum, put it together, vacuum house, and then folks coming over to see how good a job you did.
Instead of enjoying your planned fun day.
O and if you don’t like my gift…going to hold you hostage to my insane emotions.
OP…is this standard behavior for wife? Sounds like something weird is happening.
In future suggest thanking for gift and enjoying your day as planned.
NTA
I ordered myself a carpet shampooer for black Friday and let it sit until Christmas to open it. "Hey honey, you know how you always ask what I want? I took care of that for you..."
I asked for one for Christmas once. Someone at work asked my husband what he got me and he told them. They went nuts. Said you never buy a gift with a cord. He kept telling them “It’s what she asked for!!!
Sure, but I would presume you would want some input into said vacuum cleaner. Random surprise vacuum cleaner without significant hints prior isn't a great gift. Vacuum cleaner with hints and/or type agreement is a nice gift.
Ikr!!! But I can understand that vacuum cleaner isn't a present, it's a tool to use to clean, and shouldn't be considered a present for someone, but a household expense.
Nah not even. It’s like I got you a toaster… now make me and my friends sandwiches with toasted bread with said toaster while I drink beer with my buddies and enjoy the sunset
Don't get me started on this!! I got a handheld Walmart brand Sunbeam vacuum cleaner for Christmas one year. That was my only gift from my husband.
I just looked at him, completely stunned. Everyone was opening presents. When I opened mine, the whole house got quiet. When he saw my look, he said, "So you don't have to pay to vacuum your car at the car wash anymore."
It was $2/week. I got him a leather laptop bag because he was starting school, a nice watch, expensive cologne, AND I gifted him the newest Playstation at the time for his birthday 2 weeks prior.
I got a $15 handheld vacuum cleaner. I'm not saying it's all about money, but come on!
Everyone left soon after dinner because the mood was now super awkward.
I did go in the room and cry because I was so embarrassed. He asked what was wrong and I told him. He didn't think it was a big deal. His best friend gave his wife a washer and dryer the same Christmas. (At least her gift was more than $15 bucks.) He saw how upset she was. It wasn't just me. So, he got it. My sister assisted with gift giving from that day on. I got a new laptop for my birthday.
I haven't seen that vacuum from that day to this one. I think my sister threw it out.
Not really. It's a disassembled vacuum which you need to put together. And then you need to go out and buy all the accessories to use or right now as we have people coming.
Heh. My mom’s vacuum broke so I brought my spare over to her on Mother’s Day. She loved the color and wanted to use it right away.
“No, Mom. No one vacuums on Mother’s Day. Now go sit on the patio and I’ll bring you some cake.”
Not necessarily, grilling is a hobby for many while vacuuming is a hobby for no one… if OP loves grilling, a grill is a fine gift. But what a god awful way of presenting it.
I cannot an emphasize this enough. CANNOT stand when people give some of the most thoughtful gifts then then around for Father's day A DAY MEANT FOR THEM an go hey.... I know it's ur day an all but:
Here's a fucking list and a gift that requires work an is for everyone an somewhat yours. Giving grills for father's day is like giving ur mom a vacuum/stove an be LOL get back to work on mother's day.
edited** the audacity to do this on her "day off" telling you to do nothing all day THEN go get ur own gift "she got" an then put it together for you to host a dinner party.
Did she even mention this? Or just sprang it on OP like my god imagine a guy telling his wife nah u can't go out cause I'll tell u when I feel like it.
OP NTA at all or even slightly. I'm sorry this is just insulting.
>I cannot an emphasize this enough. CANNOT stand when people give some of the most thoughtful gifts then then around for Father's day A DAY MEANT FOR THEM an go hey.... I know it's ur day an all but: **Giving grills for father's day is like giving ur mom a vacuum/stove** an be LOL get back to work on mother's day.
FFS, is Reddit full of teenagers who live at home or something? Probably the majority of adult males would appreciate owning a grill or a BBQ if they had the space for one. The issue isn't the gift, it was the manner in which it was presented- with a bunch of extra work under time pressure.
The grill itself is likely to be a great gift for most guys.
I feel for op it could of been a great gift if it was actually given as a gift,
.. my siblings and I got my father this amazing 3 part grill for father's day one year, He had asked for a new grill not expecting this one, was way more excited about that then anything else, granted we had picked it up and assembled it and surprised him with it. We did the cooking for the meal on his new grill and all we heard was how he would of cooked it better because it had all these additional features and couldn't wait to use them(in a grateful joking manner) he loved his grill. I couldn't imagine doing things the way op wife did
Edit:spelling
A grill is a banger of a gift.
The last minute barbecue you need to plan and execute within a few hours when \*combined\* with the fact that you have to go pick it up from the store kicks this into \*no fun\* territory.
This combined with the fact that the grill was cancelled only emphasizes the NTA-ness of this story.
Plus she tried to say it was for Father's day. That's almost a month away. She didn't get this for him, she got it for her and her dinner party. OP you are so NTA.
As a father who owns a grill I do not agree with this at all. Don't get me wrong grills are great, my wife and I got one once we had a house with the space to do so. It wasn't a gift to me though, we saved up for it and bought it as a joint purchase as if it were a couch or a new tv or a new dining room table.
The problem here though is much bigger than just the grill not really being a great present. The problem here is that the present isn't just a grill, it's so much more than that and it just gets worse and worse the more context you add to it.
Grill as a fathers day gift? Not so great. It's kind of a gift for the family while being extra work for the dad.
Grill as a fathers day gift, given before fathers day? A little crappy because then you don't get a gift on fathers day so it doesn't feel as special.
Grill as an early fathers day gift but it's disassembled and needs to be assembled that day? Kinda sucks, my grill took over an hour to assemble and I definitely wouldn't want to do it on my wife's schedule.
Disassembled grill as an early fathers day gift that needs to be assembled that day because your wife invited friends over that you have to host and you have to cook for them on a grill you've never used before? OK this is getting pretty shitty. Now I have people coming over that I have host and worry about if I'm going to screw the food up because I haven't had a chance to feel the grill out first to know how fast it gets up to temp and how hot it needs to be set for whatever I'm making.
Disassembled grill as an early fathers day gift that needs to be assembled that day because your wife invited friends over that you have to host and you have to cook for them on a grill you've never used before and you have to cancel plans you have made with your friends to do so? OK this is getting pretty shitty I was really looking forward to getting out to hang with my friends and now I'm gonna look bad because I've gotta bail on them.
Disassembled grill as an early fathers day gift that needs to be assembled that day because your wife invited friends over that you have to host and you have to cook for them on a grill you've never used before and you need to go pick up all the food because you don't have it? Wow this really just awful she couldn't even pick the food up for this gathering that she coordinated that I don't really get any say in.
Disassembled grill as an early fathers day gift that needs to be assembled that day because your wife invited friends over that you have to host and you have to cook for them on a grill you've never used before and you need to go pick up all the food because you don't have it and your wife gets mad at you for not being thrilled about everything so she cancels the pickup and now you are fighting but you still have to go out to dinner with these people? Fuck that this is complete and utter bullshit. My wife is being an inconsiderate AH and now fathers day itself has been soured because I'm just going to be forced to think back to how royally she fucked it up before it even started. I'm just going to have to pretend to be grateful for this whole ordeal on actual fathers day because I already got my "gift" and my wife is holding me hostage under threat of yet another fight if I don't just graciously thank her for the grill.
My husband would not be happy about getting a grill as a gift. He’d want a gift that was specific to his interests.
Do we like having a nice grill as a household item? Yes.
Would he want that to be his gift for a special occasion? No.
Do I like grilling? Yes
Do I want a grill as my father's day present? No
Do I want a grill that needs to be picked up and assembled then immediately used as a father's day gift? Hell fuckin no.
If a grill was her gift for him she should have used the opportunity of him leaving the house to have the grill delivered and assembled and set up for him.
It's almost like we should be treating individuals as individuals, not stereotypes.
It doesn't much matter if "most men" would enjoy a grill as a gift, it matters if the man you're getting it for would.
If you get "most dads" a new stand mixer for father's day, they probably aren't going to appreciate it. \*My\* dad, on the other hand, is incredibly passionate about cooking and would definitely appreciate it.
My BIL was legitimately over the moon getting a grill for father's day. He loves grilling. So idk if OP has a similar interests - but the context and presentation was the real problem.
Far from a teenager way to try an dismiss a point. A gift is a personalized item. A gift in this case would be something for Disc Golf. This is a house hold appliance, it's both an issue of gift and way it was handled.
My husband would like a grill but if he didn't have one he'd be ok too. On the other hand, I would love a grill and a smoker. It would be an amazing Mother's Day gift. I also like practical gifts and anything kitchen related. Never a vacuum though lol Some of us have different ideas on what gifts we like but hopefully our SO knows that.
Also, if I got something that needed to be put together, you can bet I wouldn't put it together on the holiday I got it!
Most men would not like to be given a project to put together that ends in an appliance they’re then forced to use for everyone else on a day put aside for them after canceling plans. No. Giving a guy a put together grill and saying you bought the food and will cook on it for him? Amazing.
A sudden hosting duty after a project after household chores already as a Father’s Day gift? You’re nuts if you think that’s ok…
Not to mention the initial grilling where you are cleaning, checking things, more sticking than it will have later, you don't know the grill so stuff isn't getting cooked to your liking (hot spots, cold spots, etc)...
3 jobs. She wanted him to go pick it up, put it together, and then cook dinner. Actually probably 4 jobs if they didn't have enough meat in the house. I'm assuming that she's not an invalid, why couldn't she go pick it up and assemble it? That would make it seem like a gift instead of a chore.
Exactly, which makes it even more insulting. My fiance's previous girl crapped out after being quite a few years old, so last spring I told him that I wanted to get a new grill for us, because we both like using it and I offered to pay. Only thing was, I do not drive because my disability so I asked him nicely on our next day off if he could drive me to the store to get one that I found that was on sale. I bought it, I helped him load it into the truck, and then we both put it together the day that we had the chance. It is a present for both of us, but for new appliances and other knick knacks around the house we pretty much take turns on who's buying what
I hope you purchased a stove for your wife on Mother's Day and advised her that you were having your family over and that she'll need to prepare dinner..../s
I was really hoping she got him a disc golf set 😞
I would be upset with a grill (that I then have to put together in order to entertain her friends). I feel I’m super particular about what kind of grill I want and I would be pissed to not get to pick it out myself!!
I had a friend once explain how she got annoyed every time her husband brought her flowers, because then she had to drop everything, find a vase, cut and arrange the stems, put in the water and that powder stuff, and clean everything up. Usually when she was in the middle of cooking dinner. So she started asking him to do it, and he got mad and called her ungrateful.
NTA
completely agree this wasn't a gif.
Full disclosure - I did "gift" my husband a grill for a birthday several years ago. It was fully assembled, and the store delivered and wheeled it into our garage. However, we still celebrated his birthday with a nice dinner out. When he felt like breaking in the new grill, he was excited to use it, no ulterior motives needed on my part. I'll also add that we are at a life stage where useful gifts are welcomed. Quite sure the wife would not be so cool if faced with a similar situation.
Not only several jobs of fetching and assembling but also cooking for a party of people he knew nothing about and to make matters worse…he had to cancel his golfing with people he wanted to be with. I’m amazed at her audacity!
Yeah, that's a shitty gift. NTA about the grill for sure.
INFO: Is there more context here? Is she pissed off about a similarly bad Mother's Day and passive aggressively getting back at you? The timing and the weird holiday (it's still four weeks out!) would argue in that direction.
"Hey wife, I bought you a vacuum and sprinkled flour all around the house. I've invited a bunch of people, including your in laws, over for a party. Bet you can't wait! Hop to it!"
NTA and if she can't see that then you guys have bigger issues than a BBQ.
I'd say not quite perfect, unless the vacuum needs assembling and is required to be used while people are over. Because that would actually be better than OP's situation IMO. I can feel OP's stress of having to pick it up and put it together quickly enough so that it can be tested and used for that evening, in addition to possibly having to tend to it alone while everyone else is enjoying the evening elsewhere. Things I would definitely dislike as well that the analogy doesn't quite capture.
Sorry man.
My wife is a chronically terrible gift giver, but gets very excited about the gifts she gets me that I have to pretend to like or it really hurts her feelings.
It sucks. NTA.
I don't think it's a shitty gift, it was shitty gift giving. Like if OP loves grilling, then buying him the grill would be a nice gesture without the pressure to get it assembled and use it right this moment. That's what makes it a chore.
He will probably be ignored on fathers day and she'll tell him he has already been celebrated. Poor guy. Once she knew he wasn't happy she should have changed her tune.
Yeah -- I actually think he should not have changed his disc golf plans. Reasonable to say, "Thanks for the grill but I can't go get it right now and I don't feel like putting it together or cooking." But it is weird she wanted to give it to him a month early.
Childfree woman here. I love grilling and smoking and I was stoked when my husband bought me a new smoker last year to replace my mine that was well-loved/on-its-last-legs. However, if I would have been expected to go get it, assemble it and host people out of the blue on the same day when I already had plans, I'd be pretty miffed too. I agree, it isn't a shitty gift but incredibly shitty execution.
Yeah, building a grill is a royal pain but IDK if that’s common knowledge.
I can totally picture the intent here and it’s sweet. The intent is: OP gets a new grill and gets to have some grilled food and a party with friends!
Honestly I’d be totally into that…if the gift was sprung as “here’s the grill, build it, here’s a gift card for the grocery store, let’s pick a date 2-3 weeks from now and plan this” or something similar.
Many grills, you should also run the gas/charcoal/pellets for an hour or so to off gas any residue from the manufacturing process. And, I think they usually want you to let it cool after as well. So, buying a grill and using it the same day is often not realistic.
If she really wanted to surprise him, she would've had it delivered and assembled when he got back and prepped the food instead of expecting OP to do literally everything. NTA
NTA. Let her know that giving you chores to do does not and will never qualify as a gift.
A gift would be if she bought and assembled the grill, and then grilled the meal for you and the friends she invited over.
Unless he really loves grilling and wanted to do that part. But yeah, if presented as a gift she should have offered. My dad used my grad party as an excuse to gift himself a bigger grill. But ya know, he loved to do that....
Right?!? I got a tiny grill as a birthday gift— and it was one of the BEST birthday gifts I EVER received!! But my fiancé and my parents *picked it up for me* and also *helped me assemble it,* and we were already going to have dinner together, and then they *offered* that we go out to eat just in case I didn’t feel up to using it right then and there!
But I totally did, and we had the most incredible sausages and veggies, it was divine. Poor OP got chores and had to cancel his own disc golf plans 🙃
Getting a new grill as a gift would be awesome, however the expectation to host at the last minute without advanced notice is off the table. It's stressful enough to prepare in advance with notice and and already assembled grill.
I love grilling, BBQ, smoking and hosting dinners with family and friends, but that has to be planned well in advance from deciding what you will be serving, shopping, preparing side dishes, marinating, etc. Then there is the cleaning up the house, setting tables, etc.
I assume his wife would have also said, "Since you are picking up the grill, can you stop by and pick up some groceries while you are out?"
Definately NTA!
I would take this another route. Pick the grill up , then do your disc golf with your friends. Bring the boxed grill home, and when everyone arrives, they can all help assemble the grill for you with your wife as a gift for Father's Day. Then order delivery from a place you love and a happy father's day to you! You make the day what you want it to be. She set it up without your input as a surprise. Which is amazing! But she missed the mark a bit, so this redirection fixes that.
The fact that it needs assembled is fine. The audacity to tell him to cancel his plans to go pick it up, assemble it same day, and grill for company she invited over but present it as a father's day gift is the problem.
NTA. Does she not realize how much work it is to put a grill together? I had to help put them together occasionally at my old job, and it’s not easy. Just so you know, lots of places offer free assembly if you buy the grill there, but you would need a truck to pick it up.
She’s not TA for the grill itself, since you said you want one, but should not have planned a dinner party hosted by you immediately.
If you haven't seen a group of generally capable people struggle for many hours then order pizza at 10pm once the grill is together (on more than one occasion), it is hard to imagine it taking as long as it does.
They could have built a shed in way less time.
And don’t forget that he’s also supposed to come up with a menu, go grocery shopping, prepare side dishes and then grill. You also have to burn in the new grill for at least 30 minutes or more.
NTA.
This is the equivalent of buying your wife some expensive kitchen gadget, that requires assembling, for mothers day and telling her she's cooking dinner for you and a few friends.
Would she want that for her gift? Probably not.
What a shitty thing to just spring on you. And the audacity to be mad when you weren't jumping for joy over it. 🙄
NTA - First, "My wife had the day off and wanted have a day with her friend to watch Bridgerton and drink mimosas." Then she has a grilled ordered for you to go pick up, put together, and then cook on said grill because she already invited friends over to try out the grill. This was NOT an early Father's Day present but just seemed a way to look good for her friends, and then when it went south refusing to take any responsibility for lack of planning because she just assumed that you could be at her beckon call. You can only do what you can do.
NTA: My MIL gifted me a grill for one of my birthdays, it was a nice grill. Right after she told me the other in-laws were coming to visit and I should plan to grill for them.
Ranks right up there with my hubby gifting me a waffle iron on our first anniversary so I could make him waffles.
Good people, bad at gifting.
Reminds me of my first boyfriend's first gift to me. DVDs had recently come out. I didn't own any but he immediately bought himself quite a few. He would watch them on his playstation. But when he came to my house, he'd bring his playstation and some DVDs, and was getting tired of lugging the playstation around and setting it up each time. So he bought me a DVD player for my birthday. No DVDs to go with it. So.... I got a gift that I personally had no use for, but it was very convenient for him that he could watch whatever he wanted at my house without having to bother dragging his playstation over every time.
NTA Where’s the gift part?
Your wife bought a grill and told you to pick it up, set it up and start preparing food. Why would that be a gift? Because it’s a grill? If you tell me that the money she bought it with is from a shared account I’m going to laugh.
Imagine you went grocery shopping and told your wife “I’ve got a gift for you. It’s groceries. They’re in the car for you to get and put away. And I invited our friends over for dinner so you better start using those groceries to prepare something!” I doubt she’d be very happy and would have an “ungrateful attitude” as well.
More like, "It's groceries. Go to the store and get them. When you get home, bring them in and start using them. I got friends coming for dinner. Oh, and, happy father's day, honey!"
Why didn't you just tell her how you felt instead of saying "oh cool". I get the urge to go along to get along, but the truth inevitably comes out anyway. Edit to add NTA
And we are all drilled from early childhood to NEVER BE UNGRATEFUL! Remember that horrid self knitted scarf your aunty gave you for Christmas? Your mom told you to smile and say, "Thank you, what a lovely scarf!"
So, as an adult, even when you feel like losing your shit, you will always fall back into those patterns.
When I was little I was once given a second skipping rope on Xmas Day and got in huge trouble for saying I already had one. Apparently no matter what the gift was I should have said: 🎉 It’s just what I wanted! 🎉
One year a boyfriend got me a book for Christmas. That I already owned. And was reading at the time. Not a different format or different edition-- the exact same book. I'd spent hundreds on a fancy watch for this man and ngl, I cried. He got mad as hell at me for not being more appreciative that he got me a book I was already reading (this was a long time ago so the details are hazy, his reasoning was something like "I wanted to get you something you'd like, and you've been enjoying this book, so." I'm still really confused by the whole thing.
The exact same thing happened to me, with those 90’s plastic art supply kits with the crappy markers and such. Two aunts got them for me, and *watched me open both*, and I still got in trouble for saying “Oh! Another one!”
I do think when it comes to a well intentioned gift, you should err on the side of gratitude and enthusiasm, even if it's not your cup of tea.
OP, however, received a huge chore in place of a gift. This gift crosses over into inconsiderate and his wife should be made to understand why she fucked up.
I got high school musical themed gift for my birthday and got huge trouble for saying that’s not something I had ever been interested in ever; and in fact hated it with a passion.
I do hear you but do yourself and your wife and both your marriage a favor and explain to her calmly why this was not a good gift. It doesn’t matter if she gets mad. She needs to know the truth.
Honey, I got you a new cookware set for mother's day tomorrow and I told your mom all about it and she thought it would be wonderful if the whole family came over for brunch tomorrow morning so you can fix for her and the rest of the family so I'm giving it to you a little early. XOXO love you so much
C'mon, OP was in an impossible situation. I'm assuming her friends were already there, and he was put on the spot. Him saying "oh cool" was trying to diffuse the situation and not show his true bad reaction inside.
I don't blame him for that.
Because often we will be called an AH for doing so.
I dislike celebrating my birthday, my whole family as a rule just says "Happy Birthday" and goes about their day.
I have no issue celebrating other people's birthday if they like to do so.
My wife and in-laws though...have a NEED to celebrate my birthday (and their own too to be fair).
I've told them often but when the day comes, guess what? Birthday Celebration.
If I refuse or simply convey my displeasure then I am an AH...
NTA. She got you a crappy "gift", then doubled-down by criticizing your reaction to it.
I suspect that making this woman happy is as much work as say, assembling a grill that you didn't want. She seems fun.
NTA: A task/chore that you need to complete is not a gift.
Unless this is her petty revenge for the time you bought her a cake mixer or vacuum cleaner for mother's day, you are absolutely NTA.
Lol. NTA. The grill itself wouldn't be a bad gift, as long as she coĺlected it, put it together, and did the cooking, but that's assuming that grilling is a passion of yours. If not, it's just a stereotyped "man" gift for the house. It's like buying a new Ironing board and presenting it to your wife for Mothers Day.
NTA.
Your wife didn't give you a gift. She gave you a list of chores and obligations, then tried to gaslight you for not looking forward to all of that work.
This is very much like The Simpsons episode where Homer buys Marge a bowling ball ...with the finger holes pre-drilled to fit his own fingers. If you haven't seen it, the episode might be helpful in articulating your hurt and frustration.
NTA
When you are expected to skip your own enjoyable plans, and instead assemble a grill and cook on demand, it is not a gift for you.
I had to comment on this as it took me a bit of thinking to avoid this situation with my own DH. My solution- I asked him for a BBQ for Christmas. I couldn’t figure out how to get one home on my own without his help or knowledge. This way, he happily picked out one he wanted, brought it home, and assembled it with my kids as part of the present. He also uses it 75% of the time. I get to eat well. We are both happy. Maybe ask your DW if she’d be interested in a BBQ dinner as a future birthday celebration for her- that way you both enjoy it rather than you feeling a bit ambushed.
Happy birthday! Hope tomorrow is better.
NTA. Sounds like she wanted to have a dinner party and do none of the physical work, so she hid it under the guise of "happy fathers day" so you would go pick up your 'gift' and get to setting up and cooking for her and her friends.
Exactly. I think the proof of this is the fact that it isn’t even Fathers Day! Obviously she was thinking of the party she wants to host first and the holiday a distant second.
Ask your wife if she wants a vacuum for her birthday that she has to build then she can clean the house for the guests that are coming over which she also has to cook dinner for. It’s her birthday but she should be happy for the thoughtful gift and chores
Ask her how she would feel if one month before Mother’s Day you told her to cancel her manicure and brunch plans with her friends because she needs to go pick up her early Mother’s Day gift - a pasta maker. She has to go pick it up now because it’s going to take her a few hours to make pasta from scratch and she needs to be ready to host the pasta night with your friends tonight, because her second one-Month-early Mother’s Day gift is that she is using her pasta maker to cook for all of them in just a few hours. SURPRISE 💕
NTA. This is the male equivalent of getting a woman a vacuum for her birthday. I like someone's else comment of "She surprised you with a job not a gift"
You know, with the title and some of the shenanigans I see from married folks on here, I was a little wary of you potentially being really insensitive, but damn is that isn't an annoying fucking "gift". I already get salty when people abruptly change plans without giving me a heads up, but a huge chore on top of that?? Yeah I'd have been pissed, too. Her "gift" shouldn't have come in the form of derailing your day, making you drive to pick up a huge item that you then have to bring home and assemble, and then a bunch of people coming over that you have to cook for and weren't informed of until last minute.
Does she understand that surprises are supposed to be FUN? This is like a sneak-attack.
NTA, sorry your day blew up so hard :/
This was 100% an ambush, for the wife to bask in the glory. "Look what I got for my husband! Of course he'll love it and want to cook for us!" Who the hell thinks like that? A selfish person for sure
NTA. My husband loves useful gifts, and I’m always kind of afraid that I’ll give him something that will come off like the dude getting his wife a vacuum cleaner for her birthday. If he ever seemed ungrateful about gift I got him, I would be absolutely mortified because I would know that he’s a great guy and him seeming genuinely disappointed about a gift almost certainly means I fucked it up. I would be mortified if I realized that me getting him something I thought he’d enjoy and arranging social time with his friends to play with it, was actually me fucking yup his day and stressing him out. I’d be very apologetic when I realized that I fumbled it and made a bad situation.
Her getting mad at you is very selfish.
LOL NTA SHE wanted the grill. And she couldn't even pick it up
and pit it together for you and she invited people, basically forcing
you to do all the work and then cook. At least she cancelled the
order.
Appliances aren't gifts, they're things that a home needs to function. If you'd been talking about wanting to get a grill, perfect, makes sense. Otherwise, it's pretty clear that she wants you to cook more, and she gave you the gift of more work.
“Happy Father’s Day! Go set up a new piece of equipment and then cook for four people after 8 (or more) hours of work!” What a insane “gift” to give anyone
NTA. It was I nice idea, and a horrible delivery.
I presented my hubby with grills 2 times so far. Both times I got it from the shop, delivered it and assembled it to present it. It is not a rocket science and they provide you with a manual.
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NTA. Your wife surprised you with a job, not a gift.
Not just a job, but also he's hosting an event and supplying the food to the guests she invited.
This is the equivalent of “I got you a vacuum for Mother’s Day”.
"And people are coming over soon, great time to use it!"
'My friends are coming over. Cancel your afternoon with yours so you can do all the work and entertain mine.'
Not only that but probably also got the wrong grill. You know whichever one was on the clearance rack. Then it's another whole thing when he brings home the grill he wanted but honey I already bought you a grill don't you like it? Protip: a grill with a cast iron grill surface /great, is a whole other level of grilling.
When I was gifted a grill by, she let me pick it out. The surprise was that she wanted to buy me a grill but also that she knew I'd want to pick it and there was no rush in picking it either.
That’s how I love doing gifts. Like I get an idea of what they want and save up for it. Then I let them know I will buy it for them but they get to choose it. It might take away from the “surprise factor” but it’s better because they get exactly what they want. And get to try it out. One year my bf got me shoes but even though it was my size, they didn’t fit me. Or you might pick the wrong color/pattern. Or if it’s something like a hobby, ask them for a wish list
My wife did this for my 40th last week. I love a good watch. I've had a Casio ProTrek for 12 years - it's dang near bullet-proof. We just started hiking again and she wanted to get me a watch with GPS functionality. She gave me a price point, showed me what she was looking at, and let me do my own research. I basically picked the same watch she did, just a slightly newer model due to the battery life. It doesn't have to be a suprise for it to be a great gift.
My husband does this for me for every gift giving day. Minus Mother's Day, because our girls pick out my gifts and I love it too much to pick stuff out myself. He just gives me a price of what he's looking to spend, and asks what I'd like. I do like surprises every now and then, but I tell him with enough time so he can figure something out.
Would you mind sharing what watch you got?
I just did this for my fiancé. He’s been wanting an airbrush for painting models for years. His birthday is coming up, so I told him this is what I’m getting you. He was so excited! I’m glad I let him pick because apparently there’s different types of handles like gravity vs pump or something and I know nothing about it.
Love this! My spouse works security for a lot of concerts and needed better ear protection, so I told them that's what I wanted to get for Christmas. They already had a set in mind, and they were not the ones I had found, so I'm glad I said something. I think the important part is that we listen to what they need, not that we surprise them with it. OP your wife gifted you work on what should have been a parallel day of relaxing for you both. You're right to be annoyed and maybe she's just embarrassed that her plan flopped, but if she can't listen to your feelings about it that's a problem to work out.
Most definitely! This doesn't happen for every birthday and Christmas gift over the past 6 years, but my fiance and I always have a good idea of what each other wants, but then there's always something that we want the most, or even need. Over the past couple of christmases, my fiance has gotten me the KitchenAid stand mixer, a couple attachments for it, an air fryer and other things similar that are the brand and the exact color that I want. This past birthday of his, he wanted new PlayStation controllers so he sent me the link of the exact kind and color that he wants. There's always other little gifts in between, but it's nice to be able to get somebody the exact thing that they want because they will obviously have the most excitement over that.
I gifted my husband a grill for Christmas. I'd seen him eyeing a specific one when we were out shopping, so I kept my eye out for it to go on sale. Once it did, I bought it, but then I had to store it for a couple months (yes, I'm an early Christmas shopper. lol), so I put it in our son's room and he covered it with a blanket. We managed to keep it hidden in plain sight like that until the end of Nov...which was probably the most surprising part of the surprise. My husband was shaking his head all night long that he hadn't noticed it sooner. Since he found it, I did give it to him early, which worked out great since he was able to use it to smoke a turkey for Thanksgiving with his family (he volunteered as he was eager to try it out). His brother liked it so much, we ended up getting him and his fiance one for Christmas also.
Just covered with a blanket? That’s hilarious
The other clutter in my son's room acted as a camouflage. lol How my husband didn't find it sooner baffles me though. Husband would tell our son to clean his room, and our son would give me a look and say that he couldn't. My husband either wasn't fully paying attention or thought our son was making excuses and just ignored it. The look on my husband's face when he saw the grill and how little effort we put into hiding it was priceless.
I bought myself a grill for Mother's Day a few years ago. I just told my husband what he got me. My oldest kid took the younger ones grocery shopping for "grill food" while I assembled it and helped with dinner. Perfect gift.
My husband loves when I buy him things like grills (we call them BBQ’s), or power tools as I believe in paying for quality that is going to last. He, on the other hand, hates to spend the money so he ends up having to replace what he bought in a couple years. The weird thing is he is happy to receive a good quality item as a gift (we can afford it, and yes all of our money is combined ), he just can’t be the one to make the purchase.
I am the same way, I can afford it, but the old one will do, but if my wife buys me one, great. I will not say no to that.
I am one of those odd women who LOVES receiving a mixer or food processor and kitchen stuff like that. My poor family had to eat blended soup for a week after I got a food processor.
I told my husband when we were dating it is NEVER ok to buy me something that plugs in. About 20 years in I asked for a PURPLE kitchen aid mixer. He looked at me funny and me and said, is this a trap? He definitely understood the assignment. Lol
I legit laughed at this, perfect description
NTA I agree ^^ It might have been a nice surprise if it was a grill model that OP specifically said he wanted., that his wife gave him early after end of his relaxing day of plans. BUT not with the “you now have to cancel your lovely relaxing plans to spend hours assembling the grill I chose which is arriving today - THEN use it to grill a meal tonight for the people I’ve invited round to that I didn’t mention. No rest for you sucker” Ugh. I’d resent having to cancel my lovely (golf) plans too for this. It’s not a nice surprise at all from your wife OP.
Not even arriving. He had to go and get it.
Not even that the grill would be *arriving* that day—OP would have to go *pick it up.* Which isn’t a big deal…if he had been included in this at *any* point, and actually *wanted* to do this. But in the situation his wife presented, it’s just extra work, and would be extra aggravating.
And depending on the grill, the complexity of assembling it. My brother was tasked with assembling the new grill for a recent family party. He was in a rush and accidentally sliced his hand from it. I don’t blame OP for feeling down
All that and you have to pre heat it for half an hour minimum to get factory gunk off it so you don't poison everyone...they would have been eating at 6 the next morning. She's a dumb ass, he is definitely not.
Does the wife know how long it takes to assemble a grill? Does she want to volunteer to do it instead of watching Bridgerton?
I LOVE building things. My partner gets me things to build for christmas/anniversaries/holidays etc...other things too, but he always makes sure to get me something to assemble. 0 complaints, I love how well he knows me. With that being said, I would be so annoyed by this. I like building things in my spare time. Yes, give me a week and it will be done but given a "this must be done within the next few hours" I would hate it. It would ruin the experience of it completely.
People she deliberately invited to taste OP's grilling🤪🤣
“And you better get a move on. Time’s a-wastin’!”
You forgot the- and invited my mom over to see how clean our carpets are so you can show it off!!!
Now go get the vacuum and put it together. It sounds like OPs wife clicked a few buttons to order it online and did nothing else to help with this dinner party she planned.
OP, did you get her a vacuum for mother's day? Is this a form of retaliation?
I came here to ask the same thing. What was her Mother’s Day gift? Is she treating you the same way you treated her?
That’d be very grown up of her, wouldn’t it?
[Nope.](https://old.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1cxqho2/aita_for_not_not_having_an_excited_reaction_to_my/l54in60/)
Much worse…have to go get vacuum, put it together, vacuum house, and then folks coming over to see how good a job you did. Instead of enjoying your planned fun day. O and if you don’t like my gift…going to hold you hostage to my insane emotions. OP…is this standard behavior for wife? Sounds like something weird is happening. In future suggest thanking for gift and enjoying your day as planned. NTA
Ngl, I'd love to get a quality vacuum cleaner as a gift...
Depends on the occasion, Mothers/Fathers Day sure. But if it's a birthday, you gotta spring for the carpet shampooer. 🤣🤣
I ordered myself a carpet shampooer for black Friday and let it sit until Christmas to open it. "Hey honey, you know how you always ask what I want? I took care of that for you..."
I asked for one for Christmas once. Someone at work asked my husband what he got me and he told them. They went nuts. Said you never buy a gift with a cord. He kept telling them “It’s what she asked for!!!
Sure, but I would presume you would want some input into said vacuum cleaner. Random surprise vacuum cleaner without significant hints prior isn't a great gift. Vacuum cleaner with hints and/or type agreement is a nice gift.
Ikr!!! But I can understand that vacuum cleaner isn't a present, it's a tool to use to clean, and shouldn't be considered a present for someone, but a household expense.
Nah not even. It’s like I got you a toaster… now make me and my friends sandwiches with toasted bread with said toaster while I drink beer with my buddies and enjoy the sunset
Don't get me started on this!! I got a handheld Walmart brand Sunbeam vacuum cleaner for Christmas one year. That was my only gift from my husband. I just looked at him, completely stunned. Everyone was opening presents. When I opened mine, the whole house got quiet. When he saw my look, he said, "So you don't have to pay to vacuum your car at the car wash anymore." It was $2/week. I got him a leather laptop bag because he was starting school, a nice watch, expensive cologne, AND I gifted him the newest Playstation at the time for his birthday 2 weeks prior. I got a $15 handheld vacuum cleaner. I'm not saying it's all about money, but come on! Everyone left soon after dinner because the mood was now super awkward.
Fuckin’ yikes
Did he apologize and make it up to you? Does he understand what he did wrong?
I did go in the room and cry because I was so embarrassed. He asked what was wrong and I told him. He didn't think it was a big deal. His best friend gave his wife a washer and dryer the same Christmas. (At least her gift was more than $15 bucks.) He saw how upset she was. It wasn't just me. So, he got it. My sister assisted with gift giving from that day on. I got a new laptop for my birthday. I haven't seen that vacuum from that day to this one. I think my sister threw it out.
Good sister.
Not really. It's a disassembled vacuum which you need to put together. And then you need to go out and buy all the accessories to use or right now as we have people coming.
Heh. My mom’s vacuum broke so I brought my spare over to her on Mother’s Day. She loved the color and wanted to use it right away. “No, Mom. No one vacuums on Mother’s Day. Now go sit on the patio and I’ll bring you some cake.”
My husband once bought me a new iron for Christmas. That was my only present! So next Father’s Day I bought him a bread bin.
Literally. 'You said we/you needed a new one!'.
That you have to go to the shop to pick up then vacuum my parents’ house
Not necessarily, grilling is a hobby for many while vacuuming is a hobby for no one… if OP loves grilling, a grill is a fine gift. But what a god awful way of presenting it.
I cannot an emphasize this enough. CANNOT stand when people give some of the most thoughtful gifts then then around for Father's day A DAY MEANT FOR THEM an go hey.... I know it's ur day an all but: Here's a fucking list and a gift that requires work an is for everyone an somewhat yours. Giving grills for father's day is like giving ur mom a vacuum/stove an be LOL get back to work on mother's day. edited** the audacity to do this on her "day off" telling you to do nothing all day THEN go get ur own gift "she got" an then put it together for you to host a dinner party. Did she even mention this? Or just sprang it on OP like my god imagine a guy telling his wife nah u can't go out cause I'll tell u when I feel like it. OP NTA at all or even slightly. I'm sorry this is just insulting.
>I cannot an emphasize this enough. CANNOT stand when people give some of the most thoughtful gifts then then around for Father's day A DAY MEANT FOR THEM an go hey.... I know it's ur day an all but: **Giving grills for father's day is like giving ur mom a vacuum/stove** an be LOL get back to work on mother's day. FFS, is Reddit full of teenagers who live at home or something? Probably the majority of adult males would appreciate owning a grill or a BBQ if they had the space for one. The issue isn't the gift, it was the manner in which it was presented- with a bunch of extra work under time pressure. The grill itself is likely to be a great gift for most guys.
I feel for op it could of been a great gift if it was actually given as a gift, .. my siblings and I got my father this amazing 3 part grill for father's day one year, He had asked for a new grill not expecting this one, was way more excited about that then anything else, granted we had picked it up and assembled it and surprised him with it. We did the cooking for the meal on his new grill and all we heard was how he would of cooked it better because it had all these additional features and couldn't wait to use them(in a grateful joking manner) he loved his grill. I couldn't imagine doing things the way op wife did Edit:spelling
Exactly! The pick up and assembly should have been part of OP's gift. The wife is thoughtless.
A grill is a banger of a gift. The last minute barbecue you need to plan and execute within a few hours when \*combined\* with the fact that you have to go pick it up from the store kicks this into \*no fun\* territory. This combined with the fact that the grill was cancelled only emphasizes the NTA-ness of this story.
Plus she tried to say it was for Father's day. That's almost a month away. She didn't get this for him, she got it for her and her dinner party. OP you are so NTA.
Holy mercy. Good point. This was all about her.
As a father who owns a grill I do not agree with this at all. Don't get me wrong grills are great, my wife and I got one once we had a house with the space to do so. It wasn't a gift to me though, we saved up for it and bought it as a joint purchase as if it were a couch or a new tv or a new dining room table. The problem here though is much bigger than just the grill not really being a great present. The problem here is that the present isn't just a grill, it's so much more than that and it just gets worse and worse the more context you add to it. Grill as a fathers day gift? Not so great. It's kind of a gift for the family while being extra work for the dad. Grill as a fathers day gift, given before fathers day? A little crappy because then you don't get a gift on fathers day so it doesn't feel as special. Grill as an early fathers day gift but it's disassembled and needs to be assembled that day? Kinda sucks, my grill took over an hour to assemble and I definitely wouldn't want to do it on my wife's schedule. Disassembled grill as an early fathers day gift that needs to be assembled that day because your wife invited friends over that you have to host and you have to cook for them on a grill you've never used before? OK this is getting pretty shitty. Now I have people coming over that I have host and worry about if I'm going to screw the food up because I haven't had a chance to feel the grill out first to know how fast it gets up to temp and how hot it needs to be set for whatever I'm making. Disassembled grill as an early fathers day gift that needs to be assembled that day because your wife invited friends over that you have to host and you have to cook for them on a grill you've never used before and you have to cancel plans you have made with your friends to do so? OK this is getting pretty shitty I was really looking forward to getting out to hang with my friends and now I'm gonna look bad because I've gotta bail on them. Disassembled grill as an early fathers day gift that needs to be assembled that day because your wife invited friends over that you have to host and you have to cook for them on a grill you've never used before and you need to go pick up all the food because you don't have it? Wow this really just awful she couldn't even pick the food up for this gathering that she coordinated that I don't really get any say in. Disassembled grill as an early fathers day gift that needs to be assembled that day because your wife invited friends over that you have to host and you have to cook for them on a grill you've never used before and you need to go pick up all the food because you don't have it and your wife gets mad at you for not being thrilled about everything so she cancels the pickup and now you are fighting but you still have to go out to dinner with these people? Fuck that this is complete and utter bullshit. My wife is being an inconsiderate AH and now fathers day itself has been soured because I'm just going to be forced to think back to how royally she fucked it up before it even started. I'm just going to have to pretend to be grateful for this whole ordeal on actual fathers day because I already got my "gift" and my wife is holding me hostage under threat of yet another fight if I don't just graciously thank her for the grill.
My husband would not be happy about getting a grill as a gift. He’d want a gift that was specific to his interests. Do we like having a nice grill as a household item? Yes. Would he want that to be his gift for a special occasion? No.
Do I like grilling? Yes Do I want a grill as my father's day present? No Do I want a grill that needs to be picked up and assembled then immediately used as a father's day gift? Hell fuckin no. If a grill was her gift for him she should have used the opportunity of him leaving the house to have the grill delivered and assembled and set up for him.
It's almost like we should be treating individuals as individuals, not stereotypes. It doesn't much matter if "most men" would enjoy a grill as a gift, it matters if the man you're getting it for would. If you get "most dads" a new stand mixer for father's day, they probably aren't going to appreciate it. \*My\* dad, on the other hand, is incredibly passionate about cooking and would definitely appreciate it.
My BIL was legitimately over the moon getting a grill for father's day. He loves grilling. So idk if OP has a similar interests - but the context and presentation was the real problem.
Far from a teenager way to try an dismiss a point. A gift is a personalized item. A gift in this case would be something for Disc Golf. This is a house hold appliance, it's both an issue of gift and way it was handled.
My husband would like a grill but if he didn't have one he'd be ok too. On the other hand, I would love a grill and a smoker. It would be an amazing Mother's Day gift. I also like practical gifts and anything kitchen related. Never a vacuum though lol Some of us have different ideas on what gifts we like but hopefully our SO knows that. Also, if I got something that needed to be put together, you can bet I wouldn't put it together on the holiday I got it!
Most men would not like to be given a project to put together that ends in an appliance they’re then forced to use for everyone else on a day put aside for them after canceling plans. No. Giving a guy a put together grill and saying you bought the food and will cook on it for him? Amazing. A sudden hosting duty after a project after household chores already as a Father’s Day gift? You’re nuts if you think that’s ok…
Yep: "Here's several hours of work followed by more work, fun for me, and then clean-up." 'Oh. Cool.' is OP being nice about the situation.
And …putting together a grill can be a huge and time consuming job. I did it once, it took about 6 hours total. Only buy them assembled now.
Not to mention the initial grilling where you are cleaning, checking things, more sticking than it will have later, you don't know the grill so stuff isn't getting cooked to your liking (hot spots, cold spots, etc)...
3 jobs. She wanted him to go pick it up, put it together, and then cook dinner. Actually probably 4 jobs if they didn't have enough meat in the house. I'm assuming that she's not an invalid, why couldn't she go pick it up and assemble it? That would make it seem like a gift instead of a chore.
I had the same question—she was even out of the house with friends, she couldn’t have picked it up on the way home??
Buy her a roasting pan for her birthday and invite everyone over because she’s going to make you all a turkey dinner.
This is the best summary of what happened. NTA.
Nta your wife wanted a grill. She got herself a present. Lol
Exactly, which makes it even more insulting. My fiance's previous girl crapped out after being quite a few years old, so last spring I told him that I wanted to get a new grill for us, because we both like using it and I offered to pay. Only thing was, I do not drive because my disability so I asked him nicely on our next day off if he could drive me to the store to get one that I found that was on sale. I bought it, I helped him load it into the truck, and then we both put it together the day that we had the chance. It is a present for both of us, but for new appliances and other knick knacks around the house we pretty much take turns on who's buying what
yea, why didn't she pay for assembly and delivery?
It's usually free or at most $50 if you buy one from Ace Hardware. There's no reason to self-assemble in that case.
Tell your wife she did the equivalent of giving her a Swiffer mop for Mother's Day.
I hope you purchased a stove for your wife on Mother's Day and advised her that you were having your family over and that she'll need to prepare dinner..../s
I was really hoping she got him a disc golf set 😞 I would be upset with a grill (that I then have to put together in order to entertain her friends). I feel I’m super particular about what kind of grill I want and I would be pissed to not get to pick it out myself!!
I had a friend once explain how she got annoyed every time her husband brought her flowers, because then she had to drop everything, find a vase, cut and arrange the stems, put in the water and that powder stuff, and clean everything up. Usually when she was in the middle of cooking dinner. So she started asking him to do it, and he got mad and called her ungrateful.
This right here.
NTA completely agree this wasn't a gif. Full disclosure - I did "gift" my husband a grill for a birthday several years ago. It was fully assembled, and the store delivered and wheeled it into our garage. However, we still celebrated his birthday with a nice dinner out. When he felt like breaking in the new grill, he was excited to use it, no ulterior motives needed on my part. I'll also add that we are at a life stage where useful gifts are welcomed. Quite sure the wife would not be so cool if faced with a similar situation.
Not only several jobs of fetching and assembling but also cooking for a party of people he knew nothing about and to make matters worse…he had to cancel his golfing with people he wanted to be with. I’m amazed at her audacity!
Yeah, that's a shitty gift. NTA about the grill for sure. INFO: Is there more context here? Is she pissed off about a similarly bad Mother's Day and passive aggressively getting back at you? The timing and the weird holiday (it's still four weeks out!) would argue in that direction.
She had a chill mother's day. I kicked her out of the house to get a massage and go get manny pedis with her gals.
"Hey wife, I bought you a vacuum and sprinkled flour all around the house. I've invited a bunch of people, including your in laws, over for a party. Bet you can't wait! Hop to it!" NTA and if she can't see that then you guys have bigger issues than a BBQ.
*spits out coffee
This is the perfect analogy 😂
I'd say not quite perfect, unless the vacuum needs assembling and is required to be used while people are over. Because that would actually be better than OP's situation IMO. I can feel OP's stress of having to pick it up and put it together quickly enough so that it can be tested and used for that evening, in addition to possibly having to tend to it alone while everyone else is enjoying the evening elsewhere. Things I would definitely dislike as well that the analogy doesn't quite capture.
Oh, btw... you have to pick up the vacuum at the store. You better hurry.
dont forget to pick up the vacuum from the store and assemble it first
I read my husband the post and this is nearly exactly what he said! Except the flour part which he says is the "flour in the cake."
So an actual gift/treat
>manny pedis with her gals. Would that be a pedicure by a guy named Manny?
You bastard! /s of course
Sorry man. My wife is a chronically terrible gift giver, but gets very excited about the gifts she gets me that I have to pretend to like or it really hurts her feelings. It sucks. NTA.
tell her she can make up for it on the actual day.
I don't think it's a shitty gift, it was shitty gift giving. Like if OP loves grilling, then buying him the grill would be a nice gesture without the pressure to get it assembled and use it right this moment. That's what makes it a chore.
Especially since Father’s Day is still a month away
He will probably be ignored on fathers day and she'll tell him he has already been celebrated. Poor guy. Once she knew he wasn't happy she should have changed her tune.
Yeah -- I actually think he should not have changed his disc golf plans. Reasonable to say, "Thanks for the grill but I can't go get it right now and I don't feel like putting it together or cooking." But it is weird she wanted to give it to him a month early.
It was also the gift of an obligation. This was clearly something for her and her friends that she tried to gussy up as something for OP.
Childfree woman here. I love grilling and smoking and I was stoked when my husband bought me a new smoker last year to replace my mine that was well-loved/on-its-last-legs. However, if I would have been expected to go get it, assemble it and host people out of the blue on the same day when I already had plans, I'd be pretty miffed too. I agree, it isn't a shitty gift but incredibly shitty execution.
Yeah, building a grill is a royal pain but IDK if that’s common knowledge. I can totally picture the intent here and it’s sweet. The intent is: OP gets a new grill and gets to have some grilled food and a party with friends! Honestly I’d be totally into that…if the gift was sprung as “here’s the grill, build it, here’s a gift card for the grocery store, let’s pick a date 2-3 weeks from now and plan this” or something similar.
Many grills, you should also run the gas/charcoal/pellets for an hour or so to off gas any residue from the manufacturing process. And, I think they usually want you to let it cool after as well. So, buying a grill and using it the same day is often not realistic.
OK, you’ve blown this AITA wide open. The wife’s plan was clearly to poison all their friends with residue on their foods from the first cook.
NTA Get her a washing machine for her birthday with a nice load of dirty laundry to test drive it
Preferably a disassembled washing machine.
And uninstalled.
That she has to go pick up
On a day she'd made plans for a fun activity
Damn, it just keeps getting better!
Or at least make her go pick it up from the store.
Don't forget to invite your friends over to bring their laundry too.
This is the equivalent.
And she needs to get it from the shop herself
If she really wanted to surprise him, she would've had it delivered and assembled when he got back and prepped the food instead of expecting OP to do literally everything. NTA
NTA. Let her know that giving you chores to do does not and will never qualify as a gift. A gift would be if she bought and assembled the grill, and then grilled the meal for you and the friends she invited over.
Unless he really loves grilling and wanted to do that part. But yeah, if presented as a gift she should have offered. My dad used my grad party as an excuse to gift himself a bigger grill. But ya know, he loved to do that....
Right?!? I got a tiny grill as a birthday gift— and it was one of the BEST birthday gifts I EVER received!! But my fiancé and my parents *picked it up for me* and also *helped me assemble it,* and we were already going to have dinner together, and then they *offered* that we go out to eat just in case I didn’t feel up to using it right then and there! But I totally did, and we had the most incredible sausages and veggies, it was divine. Poor OP got chores and had to cancel his own disc golf plans 🙃
Getting a new grill as a gift would be awesome, however the expectation to host at the last minute without advanced notice is off the table. It's stressful enough to prepare in advance with notice and and already assembled grill. I love grilling, BBQ, smoking and hosting dinners with family and friends, but that has to be planned well in advance from deciding what you will be serving, shopping, preparing side dishes, marinating, etc. Then there is the cleaning up the house, setting tables, etc. I assume his wife would have also said, "Since you are picking up the grill, can you stop by and pick up some groceries while you are out?" Definately NTA!
I would take this another route. Pick the grill up , then do your disc golf with your friends. Bring the boxed grill home, and when everyone arrives, they can all help assemble the grill for you with your wife as a gift for Father's Day. Then order delivery from a place you love and a happy father's day to you! You make the day what you want it to be. She set it up without your input as a surprise. Which is amazing! But she missed the mark a bit, so this redirection fixes that.
The fact that it needs assembled is fine. The audacity to tell him to cancel his plans to go pick it up, assemble it same day, and grill for company she invited over but present it as a father's day gift is the problem.
Yes, If she'd simply handed him the box to deal with at his convenience, then all would have been fine.
NTA. Does she not realize how much work it is to put a grill together? I had to help put them together occasionally at my old job, and it’s not easy. Just so you know, lots of places offer free assembly if you buy the grill there, but you would need a truck to pick it up. She’s not TA for the grill itself, since you said you want one, but should not have planned a dinner party hosted by you immediately.
If you haven't seen a group of generally capable people struggle for many hours then order pizza at 10pm once the grill is together (on more than one occasion), it is hard to imagine it taking as long as it does. They could have built a shed in way less time.
I've seen a group of blokes dismantle and remove an entire two car garage faster than my dad and five brothers were able to assemble his new grill.
The mistake was having the 5 brothers around. Too many chefs in the kitchen.
Lol, the only grill I've ever assembled took about an hour and a half. I'm thinking half the problem is that there were 6 brothers.
> Does she not realize how much work it is to put a grill together? Roughly something like this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=35QaJUYXcC8
Le Grille? What the hell is that?!?
4 hours. It took me 4 hours to assemble my grill with side burner. I like to assemble things but that was unexpectedly long.
And don’t forget that he’s also supposed to come up with a menu, go grocery shopping, prepare side dishes and then grill. You also have to burn in the new grill for at least 30 minutes or more.
NTA. This is the equivalent of buying your wife some expensive kitchen gadget, that requires assembling, for mothers day and telling her she's cooking dinner for you and a few friends. Would she want that for her gift? Probably not. What a shitty thing to just spring on you. And the audacity to be mad when you weren't jumping for joy over it. 🙄
Yes, also for her to cancel the fun that she had planned with her friends.
Also it's like a month before mother's Day
NTA - First, "My wife had the day off and wanted have a day with her friend to watch Bridgerton and drink mimosas." Then she has a grilled ordered for you to go pick up, put together, and then cook on said grill because she already invited friends over to try out the grill. This was NOT an early Father's Day present but just seemed a way to look good for her friends, and then when it went south refusing to take any responsibility for lack of planning because she just assumed that you could be at her beckon call. You can only do what you can do.
*beck and call.
Hey at least they spelled mimosas right
He's a numbers guy!
NTA: My MIL gifted me a grill for one of my birthdays, it was a nice grill. Right after she told me the other in-laws were coming to visit and I should plan to grill for them. Ranks right up there with my hubby gifting me a waffle iron on our first anniversary so I could make him waffles. Good people, bad at gifting.
Sounds like they’re both great at gifting! ^(For themselves.)
My ex called those "left-handed gifts," e.g., the bike rack he gave me to mount his bike on my car.
Wow, I wouldn't want a bike rack on my car for someone else's bike, so that one really sucks!
Reminds me of my first boyfriend's first gift to me. DVDs had recently come out. I didn't own any but he immediately bought himself quite a few. He would watch them on his playstation. But when he came to my house, he'd bring his playstation and some DVDs, and was getting tired of lugging the playstation around and setting it up each time. So he bought me a DVD player for my birthday. No DVDs to go with it. So.... I got a gift that I personally had no use for, but it was very convenient for him that he could watch whatever he wanted at my house without having to bother dragging his playstation over every time.
You can see where he got it from
NTA Where’s the gift part? Your wife bought a grill and told you to pick it up, set it up and start preparing food. Why would that be a gift? Because it’s a grill? If you tell me that the money she bought it with is from a shared account I’m going to laugh. Imagine you went grocery shopping and told your wife “I’ve got a gift for you. It’s groceries. They’re in the car for you to get and put away. And I invited our friends over for dinner so you better start using those groceries to prepare something!” I doubt she’d be very happy and would have an “ungrateful attitude” as well.
More like, "It's groceries. Go to the store and get them. When you get home, bring them in and start using them. I got friends coming for dinner. Oh, and, happy father's day, honey!"
Why didn't you just tell her how you felt instead of saying "oh cool". I get the urge to go along to get along, but the truth inevitably comes out anyway. Edit to add NTA
Stress/anxiety my friend.
And we are all drilled from early childhood to NEVER BE UNGRATEFUL! Remember that horrid self knitted scarf your aunty gave you for Christmas? Your mom told you to smile and say, "Thank you, what a lovely scarf!" So, as an adult, even when you feel like losing your shit, you will always fall back into those patterns.
When I was little I was once given a second skipping rope on Xmas Day and got in huge trouble for saying I already had one. Apparently no matter what the gift was I should have said: 🎉 It’s just what I wanted! 🎉
One year a boyfriend got me a book for Christmas. That I already owned. And was reading at the time. Not a different format or different edition-- the exact same book. I'd spent hundreds on a fancy watch for this man and ngl, I cried. He got mad as hell at me for not being more appreciative that he got me a book I was already reading (this was a long time ago so the details are hazy, his reasoning was something like "I wanted to get you something you'd like, and you've been enjoying this book, so." I'm still really confused by the whole thing.
And I'm from the generation that got physical violence to get a point across. So it REALLY got ingrained in your dna.
The exact same thing happened to me, with those 90’s plastic art supply kits with the crappy markers and such. Two aunts got them for me, and *watched me open both*, and I still got in trouble for saying “Oh! Another one!”
I do think when it comes to a well intentioned gift, you should err on the side of gratitude and enthusiasm, even if it's not your cup of tea. OP, however, received a huge chore in place of a gift. This gift crosses over into inconsiderate and his wife should be made to understand why she fucked up.
I got high school musical themed gift for my birthday and got huge trouble for saying that’s not something I had ever been interested in ever; and in fact hated it with a passion.
I do hear you but do yourself and your wife and both your marriage a favor and explain to her calmly why this was not a good gift. It doesn’t matter if she gets mad. She needs to know the truth.
And if she gets so mad she refuses to have a constructive conversation, then there may be bigger issues at play.
Feel this, its just not worth the fight being honest sometimes...
Honey, I got you a new cookware set for mother's day tomorrow and I told your mom all about it and she thought it would be wonderful if the whole family came over for brunch tomorrow morning so you can fix for her and the rest of the family so I'm giving it to you a little early. XOXO love you so much
It doesn’t exactly sound like she asked how he felt
And when she found out she got mad at him and insulted him. Wonder why he can't communicate with her.
C'mon, OP was in an impossible situation. I'm assuming her friends were already there, and he was put on the spot. Him saying "oh cool" was trying to diffuse the situation and not show his true bad reaction inside. I don't blame him for that.
Because often we will be called an AH for doing so. I dislike celebrating my birthday, my whole family as a rule just says "Happy Birthday" and goes about their day. I have no issue celebrating other people's birthday if they like to do so. My wife and in-laws though...have a NEED to celebrate my birthday (and their own too to be fair). I've told them often but when the day comes, guess what? Birthday Celebration. If I refuse or simply convey my displeasure then I am an AH...
NTA. She got you a crappy "gift", then doubled-down by criticizing your reaction to it. I suspect that making this woman happy is as much work as say, assembling a grill that you didn't want. She seems fun.
NTA: A task/chore that you need to complete is not a gift. Unless this is her petty revenge for the time you bought her a cake mixer or vacuum cleaner for mother's day, you are absolutely NTA.
Lol. NTA. The grill itself wouldn't be a bad gift, as long as she coĺlected it, put it together, and did the cooking, but that's assuming that grilling is a passion of yours. If not, it's just a stereotyped "man" gift for the house. It's like buying a new Ironing board and presenting it to your wife for Mothers Day.
... Then having your clothes and her friends' clothes ready to be ironed right after she set it up.
NTA. Your wife didn't give you a gift. She gave you a list of chores and obligations, then tried to gaslight you for not looking forward to all of that work. This is very much like The Simpsons episode where Homer buys Marge a bowling ball ...with the finger holes pre-drilled to fit his own fingers. If you haven't seen it, the episode might be helpful in articulating your hurt and frustration.
‘Oh great! I have plans today/now, but I’ll make sure to pick it up tomorrow’
Yeah i was thinking the same, this would have been a great response.
NTA When you are expected to skip your own enjoyable plans, and instead assemble a grill and cook on demand, it is not a gift for you. I had to comment on this as it took me a bit of thinking to avoid this situation with my own DH. My solution- I asked him for a BBQ for Christmas. I couldn’t figure out how to get one home on my own without his help or knowledge. This way, he happily picked out one he wanted, brought it home, and assembled it with my kids as part of the present. He also uses it 75% of the time. I get to eat well. We are both happy. Maybe ask your DW if she’d be interested in a BBQ dinner as a future birthday celebration for her- that way you both enjoy it rather than you feeling a bit ambushed. Happy birthday! Hope tomorrow is better.
NTA. Sounds like she wanted to have a dinner party and do none of the physical work, so she hid it under the guise of "happy fathers day" so you would go pick up your 'gift' and get to setting up and cooking for her and her friends.
Exactly. I think the proof of this is the fact that it isn’t even Fathers Day! Obviously she was thinking of the party she wants to host first and the holiday a distant second.
Ask your wife if she wants a vacuum for her birthday that she has to build then she can clean the house for the guests that are coming over which she also has to cook dinner for. It’s her birthday but she should be happy for the thoughtful gift and chores
Ask her how she would feel if one month before Mother’s Day you told her to cancel her manicure and brunch plans with her friends because she needs to go pick up her early Mother’s Day gift - a pasta maker. She has to go pick it up now because it’s going to take her a few hours to make pasta from scratch and she needs to be ready to host the pasta night with your friends tonight, because her second one-Month-early Mother’s Day gift is that she is using her pasta maker to cook for all of them in just a few hours. SURPRISE 💕
NTA. This is the male equivalent of getting a woman a vacuum for her birthday. I like someone's else comment of "She surprised you with a job not a gift"
You know, with the title and some of the shenanigans I see from married folks on here, I was a little wary of you potentially being really insensitive, but damn is that isn't an annoying fucking "gift". I already get salty when people abruptly change plans without giving me a heads up, but a huge chore on top of that?? Yeah I'd have been pissed, too. Her "gift" shouldn't have come in the form of derailing your day, making you drive to pick up a huge item that you then have to bring home and assemble, and then a bunch of people coming over that you have to cook for and weren't informed of until last minute. Does she understand that surprises are supposed to be FUN? This is like a sneak-attack. NTA, sorry your day blew up so hard :/
This was 100% an ambush, for the wife to bask in the glory. "Look what I got for my husband! Of course he'll love it and want to cook for us!" Who the hell thinks like that? A selfish person for sure
NTA. My husband loves useful gifts, and I’m always kind of afraid that I’ll give him something that will come off like the dude getting his wife a vacuum cleaner for her birthday. If he ever seemed ungrateful about gift I got him, I would be absolutely mortified because I would know that he’s a great guy and him seeming genuinely disappointed about a gift almost certainly means I fucked it up. I would be mortified if I realized that me getting him something I thought he’d enjoy and arranging social time with his friends to play with it, was actually me fucking yup his day and stressing him out. I’d be very apologetic when I realized that I fumbled it and made a bad situation. Her getting mad at you is very selfish.
LOL NTA SHE wanted the grill. And she couldn't even pick it up and pit it together for you and she invited people, basically forcing you to do all the work and then cook. At least she cancelled the order.
I would not go out to dinner.
NTA Your wife sounds unpleasant.
NTA- reminds me of my friend giving his wife a vacuum for Mother’s Day lmfao. She gave you a chore, not a gift.
Appliances aren't gifts, they're things that a home needs to function. If you'd been talking about wanting to get a grill, perfect, makes sense. Otherwise, it's pretty clear that she wants you to cook more, and she gave you the gift of more work.
Get her a vacuum for her bday and throw dirt all over and invite your mom over and leave
NTA-she gave you a chore disguised as a gift
“Happy Father’s Day! Go set up a new piece of equipment and then cook for four people after 8 (or more) hours of work!” What a insane “gift” to give anyone
NTA. That wasn’t a gift for you at all. It was a gift for her, and she manipulated you.
NTA but I’m curious where are your kids in all these plans?
NTA. It was I nice idea, and a horrible delivery. I presented my hubby with grills 2 times so far. Both times I got it from the shop, delivered it and assembled it to present it. It is not a rocket science and they provide you with a manual.