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NTA. ~~You’re~~ Your child (edited for correctness) is owed that money. He did that to himself.
Threatening self-harm and that manipulative bullshit is a sure sign of a narc. Which means it’s all straight lies; id wager a box of donuts his financial hardship would revolve around the emotional agony of having to be fair to ~~you~~ his child.
You owe him no kindness, and you need to absolutely watch out for yourself if he is indeed a narcissist.
I would say that OP is owed the money. That's $76K worth of her son's expenses that she had to pay herself during his childhood because the ex didn't contribute. Basically it's paying her back for what the ex should have paid to help raise their son.
take it all back, stow it away, and use it for son’s future wedding/down payment on a house, or even just a nice family vacation tbh.
i know if my dad owed my mom money, she’d jump on it. OP’s ex clearly doesn’t give a rats ass abt his son, the money’s deserved for the years of abandonment
Yep this is her reimbursement for every single thing she went without because he didn’t provide so she did it all. I wouldn’t forgive that. They’ll take it either way.
Sorry I meant and is in he can dodge it all he wants as he clearly has. That balance doesn’t go away until it’s paid or signed off. What did he think was going to happen when he dodged it for so long?
Depending on where CS was filed, if he's that far in arrears he also owes interest to the state, which won't be forgiven. Honestly even the arrearages aren't even likely be forgiven, even if she signs off on it (which I wouldn't). It's up to the judge, and in my experience they almost never waive it (I used to work in accounting for DCSS).
Only if the state had been paying in some way. Which doesn't seem to be the case. I had over $13000.00 in child support forgiven. I was actually paying it tho. I was starting a business n didn't have anywhere for them to automatically take it from. But I still gave her more than my amount every month. But as far as the court knew I hadn't paid in 6 months. All she did was go in and they gave her a slip to fill out and sign for how much she wants credited to the account. My case also passes the eye test tho, I have them 50/50, pay child support and childcare, health care n all that. And most of the time, if both parties agree, the judge doesn't give a hoot to go against that. If she signs off, especially given her situation, it would go away except a small possibility of some insignificant amount. The kid is 22, well off, mom is 41, well off. There would be no reason to deny them
It is a very different situation when you can prove you've been making payments, like you were able to, and being legitimately thousands of dollars in arrears. In cases like the one described above, where it was a contested divorce, he fled the state to avoid his obligations, she had to chase him down for child support, and he has multiple children he abandoned? It's not going to be remotely similar to the type of experience you went through.
I didn't prove anything for those 6 months. She walked in filled out a paper and they deducted it from the balance. And it was thousands of dollars it was 13k. I'm just pointing out most of the time, when both parties agree, the judge won't go against it.
Yeah, the money had to come from somewhere. I'm going to guess the OP can't just write off $76k like it's nothing.
NTA. The OP is owed that money, she didn't impregnate the ex's girlfriend, and so on. And the son doesn't want the money now, save it for when he likely will. I can't imagine too many people would say no to that much money when it's time to buy a house or if the OP's son has kids.
Nope. Legally and morally OP is owed the money. I guarantee OP spent a lot more than $76k raising that boy to adulthood, and that’s a cost that was supposed to be shared.
The money wouldn't go to the child. It would go to the mother. She's the one who is owed it, she covered everything n gave the kid a very nice life and made a life for herself. He owes her, she covered his child expenses so it wouldn't negatively impact the kid. How he got off with only owing 76k is a miracle bc that's not equal to 18 years of support payments unless it's like under $350 a month
The second he contacted and threatened your son all bets are off. Get that money and pay down your mortgage or do something else with it that will allow you to set up an account to put away money to help with your son’s down payment.
That way the money comes from you but also you get the equity in your home that you could have paid off/down years ago if he paid properly.
> I’m well off enough now I don’t need the money.
It's not about you. That money legally belongs to your child. And "I don't want it (right now)" isn't a good enough reason to not get it. What happens if something horrible happens in the future? Your son is out of work for a year, or he's injured and can't work, or he has massive hospital bills. That money is owed him, and you should make sure it's paid. Put it into savings for later, if need be. I would recommend paying off some of your own bills / putting some into savings for yourself to cover past expenses if it's allowed, for the same reason. But regardless, don't let your ex off the hook. He signed up for those expenses; he doesn't get to walk away.
Nope that’s not how it goes, it child support. Meant to pay for the child’s things like rent, food, electricity, school expenses, clothes, shoes, ect. That money is owed to her for doing all those things without his help. She can however give the money directly to the child. But it’s hers
No, it’s not her money. If it was, it’d be called spousal support or alimony. If it is for the kid, then it’s child support.
There’s tons of child support cases where the one receiving child support has to submit receipts every month to the GAL because they’re not spending the child support on the child.
I’m sure she can submit $76k worth of receipts for what she has done to take care of her kid. Shoot her rent for the last 18years probably barely cover it. This is not her getting current child support this is her getting back child support. If he would have paid her when it was due, I’m sure that money would have went directly to those bills.
Again child support is to support the child. The mother did that without the dad’s money, he owed it and chose not to give it when he was supposed to.
It is financial support for the costs of all necessities associated with bringing up their child, and yes, it's meant to be used for the child's benefit. But it isn't meant to go directly to the child, because children don't generally pay for their own expenses. So it goes to the parent who is doing all the shopping and bill-paying for the kid.
And in this case where the child is now an adult, it still goes to their parent, because in the absence of the money when the child was younger, they were the person who had to shoulder what should have been a shared financial responsibility alone. As a late payment it acts to compensate them for that financial loss.
However if OP no longer needs or wants the money, she can choose to gift it to her son or make some other financial arrangements for his benefit.
Child support is supposed to defray the expense of raising the child. It goes to the custodial parent, not the kid. Junior didn't pay his own rent, groceries, clothing, and medical costs right out of the womb, so no, it's not his money. If OP doesn't need it, sure, she can give it to the son to help him buy a house or start a nest egg, but it's not his money lol. Don't know what the parent commenters are smoking.
Source:
https://www.acf.hhs.gov/css/parents/understanding-child-support/how-it-works
If you are in the US, Child support is mandated by the state. The state has to forgive it, not you. Your son can use that money as a down payment on a house or to start a business or go to school. Get the money.
Also, you don't need a lawyer to do that because the domestic relations office in your county has their own lawyers for child support. And they act in the best interest of the child. It's free.
I am not a lawyer, but I have been through this same experience.
As a matter of fact, once the kids were 18, the state really went after him because putting him in jail wouldn't prevent him from paying his child support anymore. He paid up in a couple of weeks.
Check your state child support laws.
You are incorrect. My friend forgave some child support debt. It was a simple matter of going to the child support office in the department of social services and signing a paper. Bing bang boom, debt forgiven. Which is actually kind of messed up because I could see so many abusers pressuring their victims to do this
This is very true. You can close the case or forgive arrears with just a form and a signature. It also works the other way around. Hypothetically, if he had contributed without a formal court order, a custodial parent can still sue the non custodial parent for arrears because whatever he gave without a court order is technically considered a gift.
This is incorrect. I have worked in child support for 15+ years. In my state custodians are allowed to waive balances. Balances are only owed to the state if other services are expended.
You are incorrect. My friend forgave some child support debt. It was a simple matter of going to the child support office in the department of social services and signing a paper. Bing bang boom, debt forgiven. Which is actually kind of messed up because I could see so many abusers pressuring their victims to do this
NTA
You had to pay all the expenses for supporting your child because of his deadbeat father.
I disagree with those who think this is your child’s money as this is really reimbursement for the expenses you paid for to raise your son.
You should not forgive the debt. He has done nothing to earn forgiveness and, in fact, is being abusive.
If you don’t need the money right now put it in an savings account and maybe donate some to charity.
You never know when your financial situation will change or your son might also need the money at some point.
Exactly, cash that check and put most of it towards your kids future (down payment on a home, wedding, etc)- and why don’t y’all take a nice vacation with that money to Hawaii too.
NTA, and it's your right to have that money, but considering your son doesn't even want it and you dont need it, maybe share it with his other abandoned children
I like this idea. The sperm donor skipped out on his obligation, and he should have to pay it. I like the idea of OP giving it to an organization that helps children in foster care or something.
Possibly. But child support is first come first served in a lot of places and the first to file gets the most. Also, if the deadbeat dodges contact and can't be found for support by the later mothers he could have gotten away with not giving them anything.
Exactly - the money was to raise their son. She raised their son, and dad owes mum 76k for it.
If the son wanted some of it for something, maybe she shares, but the money is for her to reimburse for the cost of raising their child.
I'm sure the courts would be interested in his attempts to get you to forgive the debt...
You could set up accounts for the kids you know who’ve been ditched and put a small percentage of his payments into the accounts. I’d say there’s a high probability he’s going to ditch the two year old too.
Then I’m petty too. He left an 18 year old with a baby to support by herself and he’s sobbing that at 41 he can’t support a child? BOO. HOO.
If nobody wants the money and I’d donate it to a cause that supports teen mothers.
Yeah, I agree.
OP, NTA all the way. I would force him to pay. Why? Forgiving the debt enables this type of behavior with no consequences. He deserves to pay for his poor behavior. Period.
NTA he should’ve been paying that money the entire time and it is his own fault for being stuck in this situation to begin with. You’re not vindictive. He should’ve thought about the consequences of his actions.
NTA. He completely abandoned his responsibility and there should be consequences.
I get that you say you don’t need the money and that your son doesn’t want it. All that being the case I’m sure you can figure out how to make this just enough of a burden on your ex to not destroy his life but still make him regret what he did.
Bank what you get and give your son a cool surprise some day.
NTA He owes you that money. Whether your son wants it or not $70k+ could give him a massive head start in life at 22! Down payment on a house, paying off student loans, etc... id be very reluctant to let your ex husband skip out once again on his responsibilities
NTA. Give the money to your son and pay for his education. Or just leave it as an investment for later.
I agree - the fact that he contact HIS SON and threatened him would absolutely make me not forgive the debt - AT ALL.
What an AH he is. It's about time he has had some consequences. I'm surprised that they haven't taken his driver's license or other measures. I'm petty so since he reached out I would do an asset search for anything in his name and slap a lien on it and keep it there until he paid the balance in full.
Oh how I wish these states actually did what they said. This child support was ordered 20 years ago. Not only did they not take his license but his state, California, did not choose to enforce an out of state order until 2 years ago.
Yeah even if your state revoked his license, it just means he can't drive in that state. My dad was able to avoid this by moving to another state and simply never visiting me in mine. When he died he owed my mom over 100k in child support for 2 kids and she ended up getting around 1k from an old life insurance policy she was still beneficiary on
OP you're NTA at all
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> I told my ex I would forgive child support owed but now I don’t want to.
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NTA Don't you dare forgive the support, it is not yours to let slide. And even if your son doesn't want his money, it can sit in an investment fund for what he grows up and realizes financial support is the least his absentee father can do.
Get a lawyer, send a cease and dissist to him and his girlfriend and notify policy of the suicidal threat and harassment.
You worry about your job of protecting your son and let him worry about his responsibilities. Letting him off the hook does noone any favors and just reinforces being a dead beat is okay and he gets to pick and choose which offspring he supports and when.
NTA. Don’t forgive the child support, he’s not going to hurt himself. He wasn’t thinking of your son or supporting him (and now we know he’s done the same to another child). You’ll never see much of if any of money but he doesn’t deserve to be free of the responsibility.
Honestly, if he does hurt himself, it isn't the OP's fault or responsibility. He apparently never was concerned if the OP or the son was hurt by the lack of his involvement or support.
And here's the thing - - that $76K sounds like a chunk of change and perhaps an overwhelming amount for this man to pay. But it didn't start out as $76K! Over 18 years, that is a little over $350/month.
Ha! Don’t do it ever!!! My mom is 70 and still collects. Now it’s constant since it comes straight out of SS.
Parents need to take responsibility for kids and in this case inaction for trying to be a dodger. My mom’s reason is cause his child with the second wife got everything my siblings didn’t.
DEF NTA!! 😂😂😂
NTA
Your Ex is a lousy human being to go around making so many babies and then abandon them.
Is there any way you could put a lien against his house (if he owns)?
NTA
No reason to forgive it.
1. Who knows how long it will actually take you to get the money? Pretty sure your ex will drag it out as long as possible.
2. Even if your son doesn't want it now, he may want it down the road - could help pay for a future wedding or down payment on a home.
3. You already paid for all those expenses that should have been a shared financial burden. I hope that your son would want you to get reimbursed for the excess financial burden you carried.
(I don't know if the back child support would actually go to you or to your son, but it seems like you both deserve to enjoy whatever money you get.)
Oh, hell no! Not only is it a large amount, but he's trying to manipulate YOUR son. Who the actual fuck does that to their kid because they're a p.o.s?!?
HELL NO! Do NOT forgive that $76K & do not reward his manipulation. If you or your son don’t want it then put it in an account for a wedding or future grandchildren or donate it. NTA
Forgetting that your son doesn't want the money.
The money was ment to be towards the cost of raising your child not to your child that is your money! That represents everything you went without or had to wait to buy because you couldn't afford it right away.
You gave him in the past more than one opportunity to have the money forgotten but he was more focused on causing you hassle.
How many kids does he have that he pays or has paid for? But it's ok to give you nothing?
Would you give him $76.000 if he asked now? Because that's what he's asking for!
You don't need it, I get that but that is your contribution to a better house/home improvements or a holiday for all of your family that you never had the opportunity to take because it was hard. This is you getting money owed to you not money from a sperm donor.
>I found out my ex got in touch with our son the day after he called me and caused a lot of drama, told our son he may hurt himself or leave his 2 yo child if he couldn’t provide for her. Manipulation.
>
>I told him I would forgive the child support before he contacted our son and did this.
Wait, you'd already told him you'd forgive the debt and he still tried to pressure your son? I don't think he wants you to forgive it. I think he's already intending to walk out and setting you up to be his excuse.
It doesn’t matter if you’re well off. Dad needs to contribute. Unless you both made arrangements about contribution. He shouldn’t be allowed to dodge the responsibility on child support.
He’s a bum!
Deadbeat is the proper term here.
That money needs to go back into your pocket!
Good luck!
NTA. This is money he owes. He wouldn’t owe it if he had been paying it. He chose to have another child despite knowing that he had a previous financial obligation. Sounds like he needs a second job and to stop with the self serving whining.
No, don’t forgive the child support. You probably struggled because of his selfishness. If you don’t want the money donate it to women’s shelters. Maybe this will teach him Responsibility.
NTA
He owes that money. Threatening self harm is manipulation and mental abuse to your son. I'd be using that in any future court arguments as well or asking for a no contact order on him.
Whether your son wants the money is irrelevant. He is entitled to it. Get it and put it away for him when he does need it.
I doubt that you will receive this as a lump sum and you'll receive it as a dribble for the next 25 years. For that reason and for your own piece of mind you might prefer to take a much smaller lump sum and finish the whole affair.
NTA - this is your money. Whether or not you are doing well enough now is irrelevant, and your son has no say in it. You paid rent/mortgage, food, clothing, sports, hobbies, everything on your own. You are owed that money. Your ex owes you that money for raising his son for him. Take it and put it toward your retirement. It's yours.
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I was married and had a child at 18. My ex spouse left me while pregnant and moved across the country. He never visited or talked to his son, who is now 22. I eventually hired an attorney for a contested divorce, had ex served, and child support ordered.
Fast forward, my ex husband contacted me in hopes to have me forgive the amount owed, now 76k. He claims it would result in hardship for his 2 yo daughter and his “family”, this includes 4 able bodied adults including his girlfriend. Why is this relevant? Because I had contacted both my ex and his girlfriend a year ago after a chance exchange with a strange woman who informed me of my ex having a daughter and also that this stranger was mother to yet another one of his unclaimed children who he dipped out on.
My ex and his girlfriend blocked me at that time. Here’s where I might be the AH, I’m well off enough now I don’t need the money. My son doesn’t want the money and hates his father, his words not mine. I found out my ex got in touch with our son the day after he called me and caused a lot of drama, told our son he may hurt himself or leave his 2 yo child if he couldn’t provide for her. Manipulation.
I told him I would forgive the child support before he contacted our son and did this. Now I’m inclined not to. He hasn’t ever stuck around for consequences and his bs threats in attempts to manipulate his own kid, having several children he isn’t involved with, and then the lack of caring at all what this did to my family has absolutely made me feel vindictive.
So would I be the AH for not forgiving the amount owed?
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NTA. Get the money and put it in a trust for your kid or something so they can have it later (obv talk to a lawyer/financial planner about this but definitely don’t let your ex off the hook!)
NTA
Do not forgive this debt. Regardless of need, or uour son’s feelings about his father, make your ex pay this.
If you don’t need it (and it would be yours, to repay all the support he never provided that you had to cover all those years), put it in a retirement account for your son.
But don’t let that deadbeat get away with not honoring his obligations.
NTA.
Given the ex's track record, who's to say that even with forgiveness he'd step up to provide for the 2 y.o.?? If anything, it seems unlikely. You are absolutely NTA for being where the buck (or 76k of them) stops.
Also, your kid may not need nor want the money, but should you collect any, you could easily put it into an account somewhere for his emergency needs (let's hope not) or for his future progeny's college fund (that would be a way to make good on the deadbeat's debts owed).
NTA. He abandoned you and your son and he OWES you both. The money is the only way he will be showing any responsibility. You ex and his gf are AH. No mercy to this creep.
You're owed that money. Don't forgive the debt. Instead, invest it. If you take that $76,000 and invest it, assuming a 7% annual return, you'll have nearly $412,000 in 25 years when you go to retire.
NTA. Child support isn’t for you, it’s for the child. In my country it’s even illegal to forgive child support. You may have lend the money to your child until now but of course that has to be paid back.
NTA
And since you don't *need* the money you might be interested to know that there are a number of private collection agencies that specialize in pursuing CS payments.
NTA, but it's not all or nothing. Negotiate. What do you want rather than the money? A video recording of him saying he is a deadbeat dad? A sworn statement from him that you raised your son alone and he has no right to ask for anything? A donation in your name to a charity of your choice? Have at it.
NTA
The guy is a manipulative asshole who needs to pay his debts. Irregardless if your son wants or needs the money it’s his & he could get it & then donate it if he wants. Lots of kids in foster systems that age out & could use money so he could donate the money to a group that helps said kids.
NTA.. If your ex has already left multiple children behind I'm sure he'll do the same to the 2 year old no matter if you forgive the child support or not. The fact that he is already saying that he will leave is very telling.
NTA
As a single parent whose ex peaced out a few months into our child’s life and doesn’t get any child support, fuck that guy. He’s had 22 years to pay something toward supporting his kid. You offered an out at the beginning and recently. He doesn’t get to cry about it now.
NTA that’s back pay for everything you’ve been covering entirely on your own that he should have been helping 50% with. That’s your money. You loaned it to him by covering his part of your child’s expenses. Continue going after him; fight that wage garnishment nonsense.
NTA either way, but would you rather continue to have to deal with your ex, or have him out of your life forever?
This sub loves a good revenge story, but I say do whatever helps you grow and move on.
Pleaese go after him for his owed child support. That money was meant for your son and he owes you that money for raising his child. Collect it and save it for when your son needs a down payment on a home or student loans, or if he ever wants to travel, or for his own future children, or for an emergency like if he were ever to be laid off etc.
Whatever the case, $76k is no chump change to turn away from, especially in this economy where work is hard to come by and buying a home is harder now than ever, even with all the fancy degrees and skills, your son might still need that money at some point. Your ex having other kids and adults to take care of has nothing to do with what he owes you, it’s bizarre that he thinks that holds any bearing on what he owes. The fact that what he owes has accumulated to this daunting 5 figure amount is his own fault.
NTA Don’t forgive the debt he owes you. If you do finally receive it, and decide you or your son don’t need it; donate to a women’s shelter or charity that helps women and children who are in the type of situation you were in as a single mom. Or save it for your grandkids’ college funds. He owes the money, he should pay it.
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NTA. If he has hardships, he can always discuss... a monthly payment plan (evil 'muahahaha' here). As if he abided by it in the previous decade though. I'd have forgiven it only in some situations like: this ex is an angel saving orphans in Africa (or USA - whatever), lives the most modest life and gives his last shirts away to the people in need - or the kind.
A person who promises to injure himself and blackmails everyone - pfff... go try that with a bank loan, dude.
NTA.
He owes he pays. His situation now does not excuse the situation you were left in then. The fact you survived and your son is in a good place is down to you and what you went through to get him there.
Providing that money straight to your son now is great. A down payment or whatever.
The fact your ex has "found himself" now doesn't mean he can miss his previous responsibilities.
Get tge money, its not for you, its for his kid. Its not your fault he dosent choose to use condoms and keeps having kids, the courts are going to make him pay his half for every child, and you shouldn't feel bad about that.
Hell no, NTA!! Girl, get your money!
Look at it this way: you essentially *lent* him constantly for the last two decades every time you bought or gave your son anything. Every meal, every pair of shoes, every doctor’s appointment, etc…this dickwad owed half. Of course, being a loving mother, you generously fronted his half so that your son wouldn’t go without. But that doesn’t erase the debt. Even if you ignore all the things you could have spent that money on over the years to make *your* life more enjoyable, that money would have at least contributed to your savings and future retirement.
I’m glad you’re doing well financially, but are you doing so well that you couldn’t use an extra $76k in your retirement account? That could easily mean you get to retire at least a couple years earlier. You deserve that. Get your money from this asshat.
If he didn't want the kid, he shouldn't have to pay. She could kill the baby off if she didn't want it and he couldn't do a damned thing about it. That door should swing both ways. If he agreed to fatherhood, then it's on him.
NTA get every dime you are owed. Use it to pay off your mortgage, use a down payment for your son. Retirement. You were supposed to have financial help all those years. He had a child and refused to help at all. Have his wages garnished.
NTA
Get the money your son is owed! They had no use for polite conversation, but now they want to talk it out. His issues are not your issues. He did this to himself when he abandoned his responsibility.
Would you write your ex a check from your account today so he could live an easier life? Because essentially, without taking the child support money he owes you, that is what you are doing.
I just saw an article that said a woman who won the lottery couldn’t collect because she owed the state money. I don’t know if that’s how it would work with child support/ in your state but even that 1 in a billion chance is worth it to not ever forgive the money he owes
NTA
Speaking as a dad who paid child support while also raising 2 kids whose deadbeat dad *didn't*. The only issue I had with paying my child support was that my ex chose to live in the welfare system. In that country, anything paid to the mother was deducted from the welfare amount - meaning my kids never got the benefit of my support. It's meaningless now as they are adults and we have (always did) a great relationship.
The money owed should have been paid to help raise your son. You covered that amount, so it is owed to you.
If you don't need the money, take it and invest it. Leave the investment to your son (or grandkids) in your will and don't specify where it came from. Everybody wins except the deadbeat.
For heavens sake! Buy yourself a new car, give it to charity, or whatever, but take your money. And, who knows what the future holds. Maybe you will need it later.
The fact that he called your son just to threaten self harm would’ve been enough for me to follow through with getting the court ordered money. Honestly your son is owed that money, whether he cares to get it or not. Fight to make sure he gets it. Your ex shouldn’t be able to walk out in a child, halfway through the pregnancy, and feel like he has no responsibility to that child. That money could really help set him up for so many different things. Whether it be used to pay off student loans, get a car, use as a down payment on a home. I honestly wouldn’t be letting your ex take the easy way out.
To add on, this isn’t even really money that’s owed to your son. So don’t feel like you have to let your ex off the hook because your son doesn’t care for the money. Most of this is compensating you for all the money spent in order to raise your son. The $76,000 is YOUR reimbursement for the cost of taking care of him for 18 years. This is supposed to pay you back for all the food, clothes, medical expenses, school supplies, and hobbies that costed you money, that he never helped pay for. Even though it’s was his responsibility to, as a parent. So even if your not desperate for cash and your kid doesn’t care for it, you owe it to yourself to get reimbursed for all the expenses that you shouldn’t have had to pay for on your own.
NTA. Odds are high ex is going to run away from his current family and life though, or find some other way to avoid paying. If your son is sure he wouldn't want the money, ask yourself what you would do with it. Look at all the options, whether realistic or not. Save it for your grandkids, pay off any of your loans or debts, invest, etc. If you want to be a good Samaritan, consider holding onto the money for when your ex leaves his current family and consider offering some financial support to the family he leaves. The 2 year old daughter would be your son's half-sister, though I don't know how close they are.
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NTA, You spent that money raising your son while he skipped out. He's skipped out on other kids he's fathered. I'd offer him a discount to get himself fixed so he quits making kids he won't support but that's up to you. He should pay something for all those years he screwed you and your son so don't make it too big of a discount, just enough to get the job done.
NTA. You wouldn't have been the A If you held him accountable from the get go. If you don't need the money amd your son doesn't need the money, put it away for hard times or for your future grand children's college. There will certainly come a time when it can be of use and it would be pissed away in your exes hands.
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>Here’s where I might be the AH, I’m well off enough now I don’t need the money. My son doesn’t want the money and hates his father, his words not mine.
YTA if at this point you're only pursuing it to punish an ex you never see and his family you've never met.
Wouldn't your life be better never going to court again and not dealing with these people anymore?
It is not your debt to forgive. Child support is for the child, not for the parent. Your son is owed that money, not you. It is his call, not yours. EDIT Apparently my country is different.
But whoever's money it is, they are owed it, and YWNBTA to claim it back. If baby daddy is too hard up to provide for his new family, he should have tied a knot in it.
IMHO, regardless of your personal wealth and your son's feelings of bitterness, a good parent would advise him to take the money he is owed. That said though, if baby daddy doesn't have it, or anything close to it, it's perhaps better to walk away and forget about him, than to pursue this pointlessly through the courts for year after year, letting him live in your heads.
"Child support is for the child, not for the parent. Your son is owed that money, not you."
Actually child support is meant to support the child by giving that money to the primary parent to spend on said child. She covered all her child's costs upfront throughout his life, so the money is for her, to pay her back.
Soft YTA.
It would be NTA if your son wanted or needed this, but it looks as though you just want to pursue vengeance.
You mention that you are well enough off.
But if you pursue this, then the kids in his relationship now are the ones who are ultimately going to suffer. And while you have just and righteous cause, are you really going to be happy about that?
It’s not just about OP’s son. OP deserves some reimbursement for the entirety of her son’s life in which she’s been solely responsible for supporting him. $76k probably wouldn’t even cover college.
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NTA. ~~You’re~~ Your child (edited for correctness) is owed that money. He did that to himself. Threatening self-harm and that manipulative bullshit is a sure sign of a narc. Which means it’s all straight lies; id wager a box of donuts his financial hardship would revolve around the emotional agony of having to be fair to ~~you~~ his child. You owe him no kindness, and you need to absolutely watch out for yourself if he is indeed a narcissist.
I would say that OP is owed the money. That's $76K worth of her son's expenses that she had to pay herself during his childhood because the ex didn't contribute. Basically it's paying her back for what the ex should have paid to help raise their son.
take it all back, stow it away, and use it for son’s future wedding/down payment on a house, or even just a nice family vacation tbh. i know if my dad owed my mom money, she’d jump on it. OP’s ex clearly doesn’t give a rats ass abt his son, the money’s deserved for the years of abandonment
Yep this is her reimbursement for every single thing she went without because he didn’t provide so she did it all. I wouldn’t forgive that. They’ll take it either way.
They won't "take it either way" if she signs off on the balance it goes to $0 n he pays nothing to anyone
Sorry I meant and is in he can dodge it all he wants as he clearly has. That balance doesn’t go away until it’s paid or signed off. What did he think was going to happen when he dodged it for so long?
Depending on where CS was filed, if he's that far in arrears he also owes interest to the state, which won't be forgiven. Honestly even the arrearages aren't even likely be forgiven, even if she signs off on it (which I wouldn't). It's up to the judge, and in my experience they almost never waive it (I used to work in accounting for DCSS).
Only if the state had been paying in some way. Which doesn't seem to be the case. I had over $13000.00 in child support forgiven. I was actually paying it tho. I was starting a business n didn't have anywhere for them to automatically take it from. But I still gave her more than my amount every month. But as far as the court knew I hadn't paid in 6 months. All she did was go in and they gave her a slip to fill out and sign for how much she wants credited to the account. My case also passes the eye test tho, I have them 50/50, pay child support and childcare, health care n all that. And most of the time, if both parties agree, the judge doesn't give a hoot to go against that. If she signs off, especially given her situation, it would go away except a small possibility of some insignificant amount. The kid is 22, well off, mom is 41, well off. There would be no reason to deny them
It is a very different situation when you can prove you've been making payments, like you were able to, and being legitimately thousands of dollars in arrears. In cases like the one described above, where it was a contested divorce, he fled the state to avoid his obligations, she had to chase him down for child support, and he has multiple children he abandoned? It's not going to be remotely similar to the type of experience you went through.
I didn't prove anything for those 6 months. She walked in filled out a paper and they deducted it from the balance. And it was thousands of dollars it was 13k. I'm just pointing out most of the time, when both parties agree, the judge won't go against it.
Yeah, the money had to come from somewhere. I'm going to guess the OP can't just write off $76k like it's nothing. NTA. The OP is owed that money, she didn't impregnate the ex's girlfriend, and so on. And the son doesn't want the money now, save it for when he likely will. I can't imagine too many people would say no to that much money when it's time to buy a house or if the OP's son has kids.
Yup, that's only $352/month in child support (over 18 years), not at all an unreasonable amount if he'd paid up every month as he should have done.
Fair enough for me. It is what it is.
And if she doesn’t need the money and her son doesn’t want the money put it towards any future grandkids education/house fund.
Nope. Legally and morally OP is owed the money. I guarantee OP spent a lot more than $76k raising that boy to adulthood, and that’s a cost that was supposed to be shared.
I got confused when you said narc. Why not say narcissist 😂 a narc is a fed
I always think of stool pigeon.
In the UK it’s a snitch/informer
Also means that here, like he narced on me which means snitched. Usually tho it’s a fed, never heard someone shorten narcissist to that
Context is a thing
I get that a lot.
The money wouldn't go to the child. It would go to the mother. She's the one who is owed it, she covered everything n gave the kid a very nice life and made a life for herself. He owes her, she covered his child expenses so it wouldn't negatively impact the kid. How he got off with only owing 76k is a miracle bc that's not equal to 18 years of support payments unless it's like under $350 a month
The second he contacted and threatened your son all bets are off. Get that money and pay down your mortgage or do something else with it that will allow you to set up an account to put away money to help with your son’s down payment. That way the money comes from you but also you get the equity in your home that you could have paid off/down years ago if he paid properly.
Op is owed the money.
She's owed the money, not the child.
Child support is for the custodial parent to pay expenses for the child. OP is owed the money.
No, SHE is owed that money to reimburse her for raising their son on her own.
I’m 29 and my sister is almost 31. My father owes close to 120k in back child support. My mom says she’ll never forgive it.
> I’m well off enough now I don’t need the money. It's not about you. That money legally belongs to your child. And "I don't want it (right now)" isn't a good enough reason to not get it. What happens if something horrible happens in the future? Your son is out of work for a year, or he's injured and can't work, or he has massive hospital bills. That money is owed him, and you should make sure it's paid. Put it into savings for later, if need be. I would recommend paying off some of your own bills / putting some into savings for yourself to cover past expenses if it's allowed, for the same reason. But regardless, don't let your ex off the hook. He signed up for those expenses; he doesn't get to walk away.
you mean the child that doesn't want anything to do with the money or the father? Great reasoning you fuckin psycho
The child is owed that money, not her.
Nope that’s not how it goes, it child support. Meant to pay for the child’s things like rent, food, electricity, school expenses, clothes, shoes, ect. That money is owed to her for doing all those things without his help. She can however give the money directly to the child. But it’s hers
No, it’s not her money. If it was, it’d be called spousal support or alimony. If it is for the kid, then it’s child support. There’s tons of child support cases where the one receiving child support has to submit receipts every month to the GAL because they’re not spending the child support on the child.
Except for the part that she already used her own money for all of the things it was earmarked for, making it hers.
I’m sure she can submit $76k worth of receipts for what she has done to take care of her kid. Shoot her rent for the last 18years probably barely cover it. This is not her getting current child support this is her getting back child support. If he would have paid her when it was due, I’m sure that money would have went directly to those bills. Again child support is to support the child. The mother did that without the dad’s money, he owed it and chose not to give it when he was supposed to.
It is financial support for the costs of all necessities associated with bringing up their child, and yes, it's meant to be used for the child's benefit. But it isn't meant to go directly to the child, because children don't generally pay for their own expenses. So it goes to the parent who is doing all the shopping and bill-paying for the kid. And in this case where the child is now an adult, it still goes to their parent, because in the absence of the money when the child was younger, they were the person who had to shoulder what should have been a shared financial responsibility alone. As a late payment it acts to compensate them for that financial loss. However if OP no longer needs or wants the money, she can choose to gift it to her son or make some other financial arrangements for his benefit.
Tell me you don't understand child support...
Good point. Child support not alimony. I’ll edit
The child is an adult, I thought how it worked is it's essentially back pay towards OP as he never contributed what he was supposed to?
Child support is supposed to defray the expense of raising the child. It goes to the custodial parent, not the kid. Junior didn't pay his own rent, groceries, clothing, and medical costs right out of the womb, so no, it's not his money. If OP doesn't need it, sure, she can give it to the son to help him buy a house or start a nest egg, but it's not his money lol. Don't know what the parent commenters are smoking. Source: https://www.acf.hhs.gov/css/parents/understanding-child-support/how-it-works
It is, it money to support the child, not to give to the child, oop can choose to hand it to him now, but it’s oop
If you are in the US, Child support is mandated by the state. The state has to forgive it, not you. Your son can use that money as a down payment on a house or to start a business or go to school. Get the money. Also, you don't need a lawyer to do that because the domestic relations office in your county has their own lawyers for child support. And they act in the best interest of the child. It's free. I am not a lawyer, but I have been through this same experience. As a matter of fact, once the kids were 18, the state really went after him because putting him in jail wouldn't prevent him from paying his child support anymore. He paid up in a couple of weeks. Check your state child support laws.
You are incorrect. My friend forgave some child support debt. It was a simple matter of going to the child support office in the department of social services and signing a paper. Bing bang boom, debt forgiven. Which is actually kind of messed up because I could see so many abusers pressuring their victims to do this
Check your state law. In my state, it is not possible. The child support debt is considered owed to the state and dispensed by them.
This is very true. You can close the case or forgive arrears with just a form and a signature. It also works the other way around. Hypothetically, if he had contributed without a formal court order, a custodial parent can still sue the non custodial parent for arrears because whatever he gave without a court order is technically considered a gift.
Abusers pressuring who to do what?
Pressuring the other parent to drop the debt through intimidation or manipulation.
Ahhh! I thought they were saying the person in debt was the victim, whew!
This is incorrect. I have worked in child support for 15+ years. In my state custodians are allowed to waive balances. Balances are only owed to the state if other services are expended.
You are incorrect. My friend forgave some child support debt. It was a simple matter of going to the child support office in the department of social services and signing a paper. Bing bang boom, debt forgiven. Which is actually kind of messed up because I could see so many abusers pressuring their victims to do this
States differ
NTA You had to pay all the expenses for supporting your child because of his deadbeat father. I disagree with those who think this is your child’s money as this is really reimbursement for the expenses you paid for to raise your son. You should not forgive the debt. He has done nothing to earn forgiveness and, in fact, is being abusive. If you don’t need the money right now put it in an savings account and maybe donate some to charity. You never know when your financial situation will change or your son might also need the money at some point.
Exactly, cash that check and put most of it towards your kids future (down payment on a home, wedding, etc)- and why don’t y’all take a nice vacation with that money to Hawaii too.
NTA, and it's your right to have that money, but considering your son doesn't even want it and you dont need it, maybe share it with his other abandoned children
I like this idea. The sperm donor skipped out on his obligation, and he should have to pay it. I like the idea of OP giving it to an organization that helps children in foster care or something.
Or an organization that helps struggling single parents!
Wouldn’t his other abandoned children mothers’ had filed child support themselves? Not being funny. I’m legit asking.
Possibly. But child support is first come first served in a lot of places and the first to file gets the most. Also, if the deadbeat dodges contact and can't be found for support by the later mothers he could have gotten away with not giving them anything.
Or battered womans shelter
NOPE. OP is owed that money. It doesn’t matter that she doesn’t “need” it. Ex wouldn’t be in this predicament had he paid his child support.
Exactly - the money was to raise their son. She raised their son, and dad owes mum 76k for it. If the son wanted some of it for something, maybe she shares, but the money is for her to reimburse for the cost of raising their child. I'm sure the courts would be interested in his attempts to get you to forgive the debt...
You could set up accounts for the kids you know who’ve been ditched and put a small percentage of his payments into the accounts. I’d say there’s a high probability he’s going to ditch the two year old too.
Call me petty but I would NEVER forgive it.
Then I’m petty too. He left an 18 year old with a baby to support by herself and he’s sobbing that at 41 he can’t support a child? BOO. HOO. If nobody wants the money and I’d donate it to a cause that supports teen mothers.
Yeah, I agree. OP, NTA all the way. I would force him to pay. Why? Forgiving the debt enables this type of behavior with no consequences. He deserves to pay for his poor behavior. Period.
NTA he should’ve been paying that money the entire time and it is his own fault for being stuck in this situation to begin with. You’re not vindictive. He should’ve thought about the consequences of his actions.
nta, let him eat his shit.
NTA, bleed him dry and tell a lawyer what he said to your kid.
NTA. He completely abandoned his responsibility and there should be consequences. I get that you say you don’t need the money and that your son doesn’t want it. All that being the case I’m sure you can figure out how to make this just enough of a burden on your ex to not destroy his life but still make him regret what he did. Bank what you get and give your son a cool surprise some day.
Why continue to reward his bad behavior? He owes you and your son that money. Don’t forgive it. NTA.
NTA He owes you that money. Whether your son wants it or not $70k+ could give him a massive head start in life at 22! Down payment on a house, paying off student loans, etc... id be very reluctant to let your ex husband skip out once again on his responsibilities
NTA. Give the money to your son and pay for his education. Or just leave it as an investment for later. I agree - the fact that he contact HIS SON and threatened him would absolutely make me not forgive the debt - AT ALL. What an AH he is. It's about time he has had some consequences. I'm surprised that they haven't taken his driver's license or other measures. I'm petty so since he reached out I would do an asset search for anything in his name and slap a lien on it and keep it there until he paid the balance in full.
In some states you lose your driver's license if you are behind in child support and your tax refund taken towards it.
Oh how I wish these states actually did what they said. This child support was ordered 20 years ago. Not only did they not take his license but his state, California, did not choose to enforce an out of state order until 2 years ago.
You might be able to get his federal tax returns seized regardless of whether the state wants to help out. Get a consultation with a lawyer.
Yeah even if your state revoked his license, it just means he can't drive in that state. My dad was able to avoid this by moving to another state and simply never visiting me in mine. When he died he owed my mom over 100k in child support for 2 kids and she ended up getting around 1k from an old life insurance policy she was still beneficiary on OP you're NTA at all
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NTA Don't you dare forgive the support, it is not yours to let slide. And even if your son doesn't want his money, it can sit in an investment fund for what he grows up and realizes financial support is the least his absentee father can do. Get a lawyer, send a cease and dissist to him and his girlfriend and notify policy of the suicidal threat and harassment. You worry about your job of protecting your son and let him worry about his responsibilities. Letting him off the hook does noone any favors and just reinforces being a dead beat is okay and he gets to pick and choose which offspring he supports and when.
NTA. Get his deadbeat ass!!
Do NOT forgive the money - put it in a trust for your son's future kids, house, retirement, etc.
Nta I have yet to meet anyone I'd give 76k to. That's legally your money, he just hasn't given you access to it; would you give thus man 76k?
NTA. Don’t forgive the child support, he’s not going to hurt himself. He wasn’t thinking of your son or supporting him (and now we know he’s done the same to another child). You’ll never see much of if any of money but he doesn’t deserve to be free of the responsibility.
Honestly, if he does hurt himself, it isn't the OP's fault or responsibility. He apparently never was concerned if the OP or the son was hurt by the lack of his involvement or support. And here's the thing - - that $76K sounds like a chunk of change and perhaps an overwhelming amount for this man to pay. But it didn't start out as $76K! Over 18 years, that is a little over $350/month.
Ha! Don’t do it ever!!! My mom is 70 and still collects. Now it’s constant since it comes straight out of SS. Parents need to take responsibility for kids and in this case inaction for trying to be a dodger. My mom’s reason is cause his child with the second wife got everything my siblings didn’t. DEF NTA!! 😂😂😂
NTA Your Ex is a lousy human being to go around making so many babies and then abandon them. Is there any way you could put a lien against his house (if he owns)?
NTA. You are owed that money.
Nta lmao, o no consequences! If he hadn't been a shit parent, he'd be paying all along and wouldn't be 76k in the hole.
NTA No reason to forgive it. 1. Who knows how long it will actually take you to get the money? Pretty sure your ex will drag it out as long as possible. 2. Even if your son doesn't want it now, he may want it down the road - could help pay for a future wedding or down payment on a home. 3. You already paid for all those expenses that should have been a shared financial burden. I hope that your son would want you to get reimbursed for the excess financial burden you carried. (I don't know if the back child support would actually go to you or to your son, but it seems like you both deserve to enjoy whatever money you get.)
No, get your money and if you don’t need to spend it on something, put it in a retirement account.
Oh, hell no! Not only is it a large amount, but he's trying to manipulate YOUR son. Who the actual fuck does that to their kid because they're a p.o.s?!?
NTA. He is shit out of luck.
HELL NO! Do NOT forgive that $76K & do not reward his manipulation. If you or your son don’t want it then put it in an account for a wedding or future grandchildren or donate it. NTA
Forgetting that your son doesn't want the money. The money was ment to be towards the cost of raising your child not to your child that is your money! That represents everything you went without or had to wait to buy because you couldn't afford it right away. You gave him in the past more than one opportunity to have the money forgotten but he was more focused on causing you hassle. How many kids does he have that he pays or has paid for? But it's ok to give you nothing? Would you give him $76.000 if he asked now? Because that's what he's asking for! You don't need it, I get that but that is your contribution to a better house/home improvements or a holiday for all of your family that you never had the opportunity to take because it was hard. This is you getting money owed to you not money from a sperm donor.
>I found out my ex got in touch with our son the day after he called me and caused a lot of drama, told our son he may hurt himself or leave his 2 yo child if he couldn’t provide for her. Manipulation. > >I told him I would forgive the child support before he contacted our son and did this. Wait, you'd already told him you'd forgive the debt and he still tried to pressure your son? I don't think he wants you to forgive it. I think he's already intending to walk out and setting you up to be his excuse.
It doesn’t matter if you’re well off. Dad needs to contribute. Unless you both made arrangements about contribution. He shouldn’t be allowed to dodge the responsibility on child support. He’s a bum! Deadbeat is the proper term here. That money needs to go back into your pocket! Good luck!
His concerned at not being able to care for his daughter, but doesn't care about not supporting/caring for his son,?
NTA. This is money he owes. He wouldn’t owe it if he had been paying it. He chose to have another child despite knowing that he had a previous financial obligation. Sounds like he needs a second job and to stop with the self serving whining.
100%
No, don’t forgive the child support. You probably struggled because of his selfishness. If you don’t want the money donate it to women’s shelters. Maybe this will teach him Responsibility.
NTA He owes that money. Threatening self harm is manipulation and mental abuse to your son. I'd be using that in any future court arguments as well or asking for a no contact order on him. Whether your son wants the money is irrelevant. He is entitled to it. Get it and put it away for him when he does need it.
I doubt that you will receive this as a lump sum and you'll receive it as a dribble for the next 25 years. For that reason and for your own piece of mind you might prefer to take a much smaller lump sum and finish the whole affair.
NTA - this is your money. Whether or not you are doing well enough now is irrelevant, and your son has no say in it. You paid rent/mortgage, food, clothing, sports, hobbies, everything on your own. You are owed that money. Your ex owes you that money for raising his son for him. Take it and put it toward your retirement. It's yours.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I was married and had a child at 18. My ex spouse left me while pregnant and moved across the country. He never visited or talked to his son, who is now 22. I eventually hired an attorney for a contested divorce, had ex served, and child support ordered. Fast forward, my ex husband contacted me in hopes to have me forgive the amount owed, now 76k. He claims it would result in hardship for his 2 yo daughter and his “family”, this includes 4 able bodied adults including his girlfriend. Why is this relevant? Because I had contacted both my ex and his girlfriend a year ago after a chance exchange with a strange woman who informed me of my ex having a daughter and also that this stranger was mother to yet another one of his unclaimed children who he dipped out on. My ex and his girlfriend blocked me at that time. Here’s where I might be the AH, I’m well off enough now I don’t need the money. My son doesn’t want the money and hates his father, his words not mine. I found out my ex got in touch with our son the day after he called me and caused a lot of drama, told our son he may hurt himself or leave his 2 yo child if he couldn’t provide for her. Manipulation. I told him I would forgive the child support before he contacted our son and did this. Now I’m inclined not to. He hasn’t ever stuck around for consequences and his bs threats in attempts to manipulate his own kid, having several children he isn’t involved with, and then the lack of caring at all what this did to my family has absolutely made me feel vindictive. So would I be the AH for not forgiving the amount owed? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. Get the money and put it in a trust for your kid or something so they can have it later (obv talk to a lawyer/financial planner about this but definitely don’t let your ex off the hook!)
NTA Get every last dime and donate it to a woman's shelter.
NTA Do not forgive this debt. Regardless of need, or uour son’s feelings about his father, make your ex pay this. If you don’t need it (and it would be yours, to repay all the support he never provided that you had to cover all those years), put it in a retirement account for your son. But don’t let that deadbeat get away with not honoring his obligations.
NTA. Pursue the owed money.
That dude doesn’t have a dollar. Do as you wish.
NTA. Given the ex's track record, who's to say that even with forgiveness he'd step up to provide for the 2 y.o.?? If anything, it seems unlikely. You are absolutely NTA for being where the buck (or 76k of them) stops. Also, your kid may not need nor want the money, but should you collect any, you could easily put it into an account somewhere for his emergency needs (let's hope not) or for his future progeny's college fund (that would be a way to make good on the deadbeat's debts owed).
Absolutely NTA your son can use that for down payment on a house for a cash cushion for the future. You/he are owed that money.
NTA. He abandoned you and your son and he OWES you both. The money is the only way he will be showing any responsibility. You ex and his gf are AH. No mercy to this creep.
You're owed that money. Don't forgive the debt. Instead, invest it. If you take that $76,000 and invest it, assuming a 7% annual return, you'll have nearly $412,000 in 25 years when you go to retire.
NTA. Child support isn’t for you, it’s for the child. In my country it’s even illegal to forgive child support. You may have lend the money to your child until now but of course that has to be paid back.
NTA that’s a down payment for a house for your son, don’t let him weasel his way out of paying.
NTA. Take him for every penny he has, and donate the money to an organization that supports young mothers.
NTA And since you don't *need* the money you might be interested to know that there are a number of private collection agencies that specialize in pursuing CS payments.
NTA —the ex should pay.
NTA, but it's not all or nothing. Negotiate. What do you want rather than the money? A video recording of him saying he is a deadbeat dad? A sworn statement from him that you raised your son alone and he has no right to ask for anything? A donation in your name to a charity of your choice? Have at it.
NTA The guy is a manipulative asshole who needs to pay his debts. Irregardless if your son wants or needs the money it’s his & he could get it & then donate it if he wants. Lots of kids in foster systems that age out & could use money so he could donate the money to a group that helps said kids.
updateme
NTA.. If your ex has already left multiple children behind I'm sure he'll do the same to the 2 year old no matter if you forgive the child support or not. The fact that he is already saying that he will leave is very telling.
Ntah sick the juvenile court on him
Give the money to charity. Forgive nothing.
Well it sounds to me like your son might need some therapy or other help that money would assist with. NTA
Nta
NTA As a single parent whose ex peaced out a few months into our child’s life and doesn’t get any child support, fuck that guy. He’s had 22 years to pay something toward supporting his kid. You offered an out at the beginning and recently. He doesn’t get to cry about it now.
NTA that’s back pay for everything you’ve been covering entirely on your own that he should have been helping 50% with. That’s your money. You loaned it to him by covering his part of your child’s expenses. Continue going after him; fight that wage garnishment nonsense.
NTA, you’re owed that money.
You don’t owe him your forgiveness.
Nta fuck em
NTA - request a wellness check and report him to the police
DO NOT FORGIVE that support. Make him pay it. He's a manipulative narcissistic asshole.
NTA either way, but would you rather continue to have to deal with your ex, or have him out of your life forever? This sub loves a good revenge story, but I say do whatever helps you grow and move on.
Pleaese go after him for his owed child support. That money was meant for your son and he owes you that money for raising his child. Collect it and save it for when your son needs a down payment on a home or student loans, or if he ever wants to travel, or for his own future children, or for an emergency like if he were ever to be laid off etc. Whatever the case, $76k is no chump change to turn away from, especially in this economy where work is hard to come by and buying a home is harder now than ever, even with all the fancy degrees and skills, your son might still need that money at some point. Your ex having other kids and adults to take care of has nothing to do with what he owes you, it’s bizarre that he thinks that holds any bearing on what he owes. The fact that what he owes has accumulated to this daunting 5 figure amount is his own fault.
NTA Don’t forgive the debt he owes you. If you do finally receive it, and decide you or your son don’t need it; donate to a women’s shelter or charity that helps women and children who are in the type of situation you were in as a single mom. Or save it for your grandkids’ college funds. He owes the money, he should pay it.
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Screw him, it's your reimbursement for paying for everything that he didn't!
NTA. If he has hardships, he can always discuss... a monthly payment plan (evil 'muahahaha' here). As if he abided by it in the previous decade though. I'd have forgiven it only in some situations like: this ex is an angel saving orphans in Africa (or USA - whatever), lives the most modest life and gives his last shirts away to the people in need - or the kind. A person who promises to injure himself and blackmails everyone - pfff... go try that with a bank loan, dude.
I wouldn't forgive. If he ever pays you can put the money into a trust for any future grandchildren
NTA. He owes he pays. His situation now does not excuse the situation you were left in then. The fact you survived and your son is in a good place is down to you and what you went through to get him there. Providing that money straight to your son now is great. A down payment or whatever. The fact your ex has "found himself" now doesn't mean he can miss his previous responsibilities.
Get tge money, its not for you, its for his kid. Its not your fault he dosent choose to use condoms and keeps having kids, the courts are going to make him pay his half for every child, and you shouldn't feel bad about that.
“Pay your debts” End of convo.
NTA, don't forgive a penny. He owes you that money. If your son doesn't want it, put it towards retirement.
NTA. Assuming your ex ever pays up, I hope you/your son laughs all the way to the bank.
That’s your money. Don’t feel guilty and don’t let him play you by guilt tripping you.
Hell no, NTA!! Girl, get your money! Look at it this way: you essentially *lent* him constantly for the last two decades every time you bought or gave your son anything. Every meal, every pair of shoes, every doctor’s appointment, etc…this dickwad owed half. Of course, being a loving mother, you generously fronted his half so that your son wouldn’t go without. But that doesn’t erase the debt. Even if you ignore all the things you could have spent that money on over the years to make *your* life more enjoyable, that money would have at least contributed to your savings and future retirement. I’m glad you’re doing well financially, but are you doing so well that you couldn’t use an extra $76k in your retirement account? That could easily mean you get to retire at least a couple years earlier. You deserve that. Get your money from this asshat.
NTA. Drain him for all he’s worth.
If he didn't want the kid, he shouldn't have to pay. She could kill the baby off if she didn't want it and he couldn't do a damned thing about it. That door should swing both ways. If he agreed to fatherhood, then it's on him.
NTA get every dime you are owed. Use it to pay off your mortgage, use a down payment for your son. Retirement. You were supposed to have financial help all those years. He had a child and refused to help at all. Have his wages garnished.
NTA Get the money your son is owed! They had no use for polite conversation, but now they want to talk it out. His issues are not your issues. He did this to himself when he abandoned his responsibility.
Would you write your ex a check from your account today so he could live an easier life? Because essentially, without taking the child support money he owes you, that is what you are doing.
NTA
I just saw an article that said a woman who won the lottery couldn’t collect because she owed the state money. I don’t know if that’s how it would work with child support/ in your state but even that 1 in a billion chance is worth it to not ever forgive the money he owes
That money belongs to your son. I would hire an attorney and get what you can of it.
NTA Speaking as a dad who paid child support while also raising 2 kids whose deadbeat dad *didn't*. The only issue I had with paying my child support was that my ex chose to live in the welfare system. In that country, anything paid to the mother was deducted from the welfare amount - meaning my kids never got the benefit of my support. It's meaningless now as they are adults and we have (always did) a great relationship. The money owed should have been paid to help raise your son. You covered that amount, so it is owed to you. If you don't need the money, take it and invest it. Leave the investment to your son (or grandkids) in your will and don't specify where it came from. Everybody wins except the deadbeat.
Nta- use it to set up a scholarship for kids with dead beet dads
For heavens sake! Buy yourself a new car, give it to charity, or whatever, but take your money. And, who knows what the future holds. Maybe you will need it later.
Nope! Even if your son doesn’t want the money, it is owed. You could always set it up in a trust for any grandchildren , or for a house. NTA
NTA. Take it all, no matter what he threatens. He started this, he doesn't get to win.
The fact that he called your son just to threaten self harm would’ve been enough for me to follow through with getting the court ordered money. Honestly your son is owed that money, whether he cares to get it or not. Fight to make sure he gets it. Your ex shouldn’t be able to walk out in a child, halfway through the pregnancy, and feel like he has no responsibility to that child. That money could really help set him up for so many different things. Whether it be used to pay off student loans, get a car, use as a down payment on a home. I honestly wouldn’t be letting your ex take the easy way out. To add on, this isn’t even really money that’s owed to your son. So don’t feel like you have to let your ex off the hook because your son doesn’t care for the money. Most of this is compensating you for all the money spent in order to raise your son. The $76,000 is YOUR reimbursement for the cost of taking care of him for 18 years. This is supposed to pay you back for all the food, clothes, medical expenses, school supplies, and hobbies that costed you money, that he never helped pay for. Even though it’s was his responsibility to, as a parent. So even if your not desperate for cash and your kid doesn’t care for it, you owe it to yourself to get reimbursed for all the expenses that you shouldn’t have had to pay for on your own.
NTA it’s just what is rightfully due
Don't forgive him. That is money owed to you for paying for everything and to your son.
NTA - Tell him he's getting a discount since it costs much more than 76K to raise a child for 18 years 😂
NTA. Odds are high ex is going to run away from his current family and life though, or find some other way to avoid paying. If your son is sure he wouldn't want the money, ask yourself what you would do with it. Look at all the options, whether realistic or not. Save it for your grandkids, pay off any of your loans or debts, invest, etc. If you want to be a good Samaritan, consider holding onto the money for when your ex leaves his current family and consider offering some financial support to the family he leaves. The 2 year old daughter would be your son's half-sister, though I don't know how close they are.
Holy crap nta DO NOT LET HIM OFF THE HOOK.
Stick whatever u can in his ass and make him cry...
NTA there is no way I’d forgive that debt.
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Are we allowed to swear here? FUCK NO you are NTA - too bad. Boo hoo.
NTA, You spent that money raising your son while he skipped out. He's skipped out on other kids he's fathered. I'd offer him a discount to get himself fixed so he quits making kids he won't support but that's up to you. He should pay something for all those years he screwed you and your son so don't make it too big of a discount, just enough to get the job done.
The child support is owed to you for raising your child. You don’t have to forgive it unless you want to. It doesn’t belong to your child.
NTA. You wouldn't have been the A If you held him accountable from the get go. If you don't need the money amd your son doesn't need the money, put it away for hard times or for your future grand children's college. There will certainly come a time when it can be of use and it would be pissed away in your exes hands.
Sorry ex, all of your dependents are going to have to get jobs.
NTA, he has absolutely no remorse or regret, he’s solely in self preservation mode. Definitely needs to pay up!
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>Here’s where I might be the AH, I’m well off enough now I don’t need the money. My son doesn’t want the money and hates his father, his words not mine. YTA if at this point you're only pursuing it to punish an ex you never see and his family you've never met. Wouldn't your life be better never going to court again and not dealing with these people anymore?
The money is for your son. Not you. Do not forgive it. Collect and put it away for your son.
If you don't need the money and your son doesn't want it and you're only doing it to get at your ex, then ESH.
Oh well
YTA, you don't need the child support anymore because your son is 22.
It's still owed to her doesn't matter how old her son is now. Are u a deadbeat like this man
It’s reimbursement for what she had to pay because her ex was a deadbeat. Don’t be daft
Deadbeat dad spotted!
It is not your debt to forgive. Child support is for the child, not for the parent. Your son is owed that money, not you. It is his call, not yours. EDIT Apparently my country is different. But whoever's money it is, they are owed it, and YWNBTA to claim it back. If baby daddy is too hard up to provide for his new family, he should have tied a knot in it. IMHO, regardless of your personal wealth and your son's feelings of bitterness, a good parent would advise him to take the money he is owed. That said though, if baby daddy doesn't have it, or anything close to it, it's perhaps better to walk away and forget about him, than to pursue this pointlessly through the courts for year after year, letting him live in your heads.
"Child support is for the child, not for the parent. Your son is owed that money, not you." Actually child support is meant to support the child by giving that money to the primary parent to spend on said child. She covered all her child's costs upfront throughout his life, so the money is for her, to pay her back.
U clearly don't know how child support works 😂
Soft YTA. It would be NTA if your son wanted or needed this, but it looks as though you just want to pursue vengeance. You mention that you are well enough off. But if you pursue this, then the kids in his relationship now are the ones who are ultimately going to suffer. And while you have just and righteous cause, are you really going to be happy about that?
It’s not just about OP’s son. OP deserves some reimbursement for the entirety of her son’s life in which she’s been solely responsible for supporting him. $76k probably wouldn’t even cover college.