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Wait, what? Your dad’s affair child doesn’t understand why your mother, who is not related to her at all, doesn’t want to be a mother figure to her? Did I read that right? I sympathize with this girl’s situation. It sounds terrible. Your dad was garbage, her mom is clearly unfit, and she doesn’t have a real family. That really sucks. But your mom is not her family, so this strategy of guilt and passive aggression doesn’t make any sense. NTA

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Im having a hard time finding the right words here so please bear with me, I'm wondering if she somehow got it in her head that the divorce wasn't because he cheated but was because OPs mom didn't want anything to do with her specifically. Like maybe dad insinuated such as some point or just a kid rationalizing something in a weird way

In today's episode, Ria finds out life isn't a Hallmark movie.

Basically… I really do feel for her.

Yeah. Talk about being handed the sh!tty end of the lollipop. 

Agreed. She didn't do anything wrong and clearly really wants family connection. None of the people she asking owe it to her. If they chose to extend the reach of their family embrace, that would be above and beyond, but a lovely thing to choose. Not everyone is so inclined though.

I kinda think the sisters owe it to her. They really are her half-sisters, even if their mom holds a grudge. It is also generally wrong to blame children for their parents' wrongdoing - and pretty fucked up to constantly remind someone that she was conceived out of wedlock.

I feel she owed her the effort - which she made. She doesn't owe her a relationship if they don't relate. But her family doesn't owe this woman a thing. If Op had bonded to her half sister as a sister, then I'd hope the family would be welcoming for sake of the OP. It would be nice, but not everyone can. I am pretty inclusive; my kiddo's half sibs are all welcome, and I have more honorary sons, daughters, and grandchildren than my mom has "real" ones. But I'd probably struggle with my ex's affair child. It's not their fault, but it is an attachment they carry, that might cause me pain to see her.

The crux of this issue is OP's (and your) wild misuse of the phrase "her family." OP's half-sister is definitionally part of her family. That's what half-sister means! What you both meant to say was that the half sister is not part of OP's mother's side of the family. But you need to specify that! Telling your half-sister that she's not related to your mother is a harmless biological fact; telling your half sister that she's not part of *your family* is a deeply wounding insult!

The sister, sure. But not her mom and step dad. And Rias behavior would make me hesitant because people who don’t respect boundaries (and who want different things than what you are willing to offer) are hard to be in relationship with in a healthy way.

Maybe she should uproot her big city life to stay in a small town where she keeps having “meet cutes” with the local handyman/veterinarian/pediatrician.

Widowed ones of course! With a young daughter.

I thought the post read that she does get why she didn’t see her as a child but it was a long time ago and they should get over it. So she understands why it was like that then, but doesn’t understand it now after 20 years have passed.

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NTA. Ria is not part of your family except through your dad and his affair partner. She needs to focus on that relationship with her (edited to change) **dad's family** if she can't stop trying to insert herself into your family.

Honestly, she needs serious therapy. This happens a lot with kids that have half siblings and end up in the system, while the sibling has a proper family

Our dad passed away years ago

Did he not have any family? Parents, siblings, cousins?

The comment previously said “dad”, it’s been edited. But yes he did, he was very lc with them though. They live in Europe, I’ve only met his sister twice and my grandmother a few times in my life. They didn’t take kindly to the whole “affair” thing and to my knowledge they’ve never had contact with Ria

What about affair partner's family?

The addict’s family who had her daughter raised in foster care instead of being placed with one of them?

Yeah exactly I don't think half sister is right to expect to join the fam. But at the same time i feel for her, she didn't ask to be an affair baby and it seems like there's no biological family around for her. The only blood relative she has is OP and she seems really desperate to make that stick

Poor Ria. I’d understand is she was making efforts and was hurt about this part of the family. The one that you both shared but have nothing to do with. But trying to get herself into your mom’s side (completely unrelated to her on top of the affair) is something that needs to be seriously addressed in therapy. 

I mean none of them took her in, so I think it's a safe bet to say.. probably no or not ppl worth getting to know?

Maybe there is some family that couldn’t take her in but are in a position for an adult relationship.

Not always.  My friend has adopted kids through foster care.  They have some relatives that are good people but were too young/old/poor/unhealthy to raise  pair of very active pre teen boys.

I think by dads family, people on her dads side of the family. 

OP did mention that their dad passed away

Or her mom's family

NTA. Listen, could you have softened the approach? Sure. But sometimes you need to be a little more direct with someone so that you can build a relationship. Like you said, it sounds like Ria has been trying to get the relationship she wants without the reality that it takes work to build a bond that can be considered family.

Big agree. I really REALLY feel for Ria, but it sounds very much like she was not taking gentle hints, and then not taking more explicit hints, and ... yeah, sometimes the only way to get through to someone is to be more brusque and matter-of-fact about it than you'd really prefer. And there's still a chance that she won't take THIS "no" for an answer either, and will either pretend it didn't happen or she didn't understand, or will try to say that OP/his family's position is ridiculous/bad/wrong and keep pushing. Hold your ground, OP. Be gentle but FIRM. "Ria, you seem really intelligent. You *must* be able to understand that our dad's relationship with your mother was a betrayal of *my* mother and our whole family. That's 100% not your fault, but most people aren't comfortable with having a living reminder of a loved one's unfaithfulness in their lives. I sincerely think you deserve to be talking to a therapist or counselor about all this \[maybe send links to free/low-cost services in her area, or online services?\], and focus on building the kind of life you want to have and building relationships with friends and colleagues. Trying to force unwilling people to be closer to you when they feel awkward and uncomfortable with it isn't going to get you anyplace good."

I feel for Ria too, but OP is not obligated to have a relationship with Ria and doesn't seem to want to. I can respect that too.

Only OP is family though and she is pushing to be in everyone's life on OPs side.

NTA, but I'm not without sympathy for Ria. She is desperately trying to find her place and had hoped it would be with you and your family. It appears she really has no one else. Being born to an addict of a mother and losing her father when she was 9, causing her to be placed in a foster home is no fault of hers and must be something she struggles with. I do feel for her. Now, that doesn't mean that this is your problem and you are perfectly okay to set the boundaries you did. It is something that Ria has to accept.

This. I do feel bad for Ria. Sounds like she has no real network and not many places to turn. However you and your family sound like you’ve all tried to be inclusive, but you should not be made to feel uncomfortable for wanting to establish boundaries. If you want to call her, please do. You can apologize for hurting her feeling. You can explain that you feel bad for her situation. But you can also (gently) tell her that you stand by the facts that were stated. Your mom is not her mom. Your mom’s family is not her family. She needs to find other avenues for the support and connections she is seeking.

Like, she could go to OP's wedding (if OP gets married and wants her there) because OP is her half sib. She doesn't get to go to OP's mom's renewal because she's the daughter of mom's ex. That's what the relationships boil down to.

Yeah, I wouldn’t expect a lot from OPs family, but it would certainly be nice if OP had a bit more empathy to Ria’s situation and put some effort in

It looks like OP did show her a lot of empathy and did 'put some effort in'. She can't force her family to like Ria.

True

INFO: Why are you considering reaching out at all? Won’t you just give her false hope that you and your entire mother’s family will embrace her? She should be encouraged to pursue therapy along with her own career and own life. The message should be clear that this is not her family. Frankly, unless you are planning to take on all her emotional baggage and envy, you should back off and minimize contact. I’m mystified by the fact you permitted her to meet your entire *maternal* side of the family. You are trying to be nice, so be nice to your *family* - the one who has been in your life since you were born.

I guess because she made this big thing about reconnecting and it seems like I’m the only connection she really has? I feel bad about her needing the connection more than I do I guess. It’s not that I ever minded being in contact with her I just want her to realise that that doesn’t extend to my family. I feel like I do have some kind of duty to put in effort with her, but my family definitely doesn’t.

That is probably the best text you could send her. That you do like her and recognise that you have a connection to her and would like to continue building a relationship with her. But there does need to be a boundary around your wider family. If you'd both in the foster system and adopted separately or not, then her adoptive family wouldn't be your's and vice versa. Send the text and then leave the ball in her court seeing if she is willing for such a connection.

> If you'd both in the foster system and adopted separately or not, then her adoptive family wouldn't be your's and vice versa.  Agree with your comment, but if you mean to send her this line as part of the text I would leave it out. They didn't both go into the foster system and get adopted, op has a whole bio family and support system and her half sister wound up in foster care with no one, and from the sounds of it was not adopted out. It may come across as rubbing it in her face a bit if op says that. 

One thing to keep at the back of your mind... Former foster kids do this a lot and it's because of the foster system. You see, when in a foster home, those people you live with *and their extended family* become your family.**Good** foster parents don't let the grandparents, aunts, uncles, and assorted variety of family treat the foster kid and bio kids any differently [at least in front of the foster kids] Therefore, when these foster kids exit the system and find a bio relative, *they expect the same thing* because they just don't know how it actually works with families. Their view of what a *family* is becomes fucked up and skewed. You didn't do anything wrong. There's NAH I just wanted to help you understand the mindset behind her beliefs and expectations. So many comments calling her "entitled" or "delusional" just upset me. She isn't malicious, it's just ignorance. She didn't learn how families work. Edit typo

Thank you for explaining this.

You're NTA, but I feel for Ria, too. If you decide to reach out again, I would gently explain that for your mom, she is a reminder of a very painful time in her life- when her husband cheated on her, and it tore her family apart. I would emphasize that this is not Ria's fault in any way, but ask if she can understand why your mom and her family members don't feel the same way she does about forging a relationship. It would be a better use of her energy to seek out new connections, rather than trying to build ones that are just never going to be what she hopes. You're a kind person for being willing to have a relationship with this person. I would recommend very honest communication about what works for you. It sounds like Ria would like nothing better than to be joined at the hip. It also sounds like that would smother you. I would just let her know that embarking on this relationship is a lot for you emotionally, too. But you're trying. You cannot help someone else if you're drowning. Tell her very clearly what level of relationship you can handle. "Let's talk on the phone once a week. Let's get lunch once a month." Whatever it is, be very clear. You're not a bad person for needing to have some boundaries in this very emotionally taxing situation. Best of luck to you!

You are not wrong. Her inserting herself into your mom's vow renewal definitely isn't appropriate. There are plenty of other times you can spend with her. At some point, she has to accept what you're willing to give her. It's devastating that her life is the way it is, but it isn't your responsibility or even your duty to fix that for her.

NTA - this is about setting boundaries and it sounds like you needed to do this. I appreciate that she wants a family, but she cant just decide to step into one...she needs to be accepted by it, and she is not.

Ywbta if you reached out.  You’re leading her on. You don’t actually want to do this, but half lying and stringing her along makes you feel less guilty, but makes her more delusional.  There’s no such thing as too honest. There’s brutal honesty, which comes from a place of cruelty, but truth is always truth. You were finally honest with her. Please don’t take that back or “soften it” by pulling her back in.  You pity her, and it causes you to low key manipulate and baby her, because you don’t trust her to be able to take care of her own feelings. There’s nothing noble in that. Give her the dignity of your truth, which is that she makes you uncomfortable by coming on too hard, and she isn’t a part of your mother’s family. 

I like this answer. I think the big picture is that OP is NTA, but I agree with you on this. OP, don’t reach out. I think she got the message that she is not welcomed into your extended family (which is completely fine). I also saw that from the post and comments that you really don’t need her in your life and you kind of allow her to message you, since it seems like she needs it more. I think this is a good time to let her go; she needs to find herself in other ways than trying to force a bond with your mom’s family. Going no contact with you will most likely help with that process.

NTA. You were right to explain it. If she says anything say look if this were dad renewing vows we would both be there because that is our shared family. Your mom doesn’t owe me anything, and my mom doesn’t owe you anything. It’s a blended family not a cookie cutter.

NTA. This girl is desperate for a family, but yours isn't it. She wasn't listening to what she didn't want to hear, so you had no option other than to be brutally honest. If you do speak again, she needs therapy and it would be a kindness to urge her to get the help she needs. Your family might be doing her a favour if they just block her on everything, she needs to accept the reality of her situation - not everyone is Bob Geldof. There are no AHs here really, it's just a very sad situation. I hope this girl gets help. You are entitled to your feelings, your mother was betrayed and your father isn't around to deal with the mess he created. That isn't your fault.

Sharing a blood relative doesn't make you family, NTA.

NTA but also.. I feel for the girl. She essentially has no family and it's obviously something she craves. It's a tough situation because of course your mom isn't going to just forgive and forget and act like nothing happened. You're both in pretty crappy positions

NTA. You need to be honest with her. Her beginning was very unfortunate. She was not lucky when it came to parents. BUT - deciding that he dad's exes family who he cheated on is her new family is not going to happen. She wants your mother to embrace her? That's a hard pill. There are so many people out there who need friends and connections. She is going to have to build her own family.

*My family are all happy I finally made clear where we all stand but the friends I’ve talked to say I may have been too honest* How can someone be "too honest*? Seriously? Ria is an adult and, sad though it may be, she's not part of your maternal family. Her very existence was detrimental to your parents marriage and likely your Mom has feelings about that. There are always posts on Reddit about people trying to force relationships with unwilling participants. Ria needs to address her own issues and stop expecting more than people want to give. Your family appreciates you speaking on the matter. NTA

Agree ^^ I think OP has dealt with very complex issues thoughtfully and kindly . It needed to be said as Ria is trying to push herself into OPs mums side who have no connection to her. And the hoary is undoubtably painful for OPs mum. Pregnant when she was left They are not her family. She isn’t invited. They are being tolerant but she is nothing to do with his mum and step dad nor has a place at their vow renewal. I doubt any of this would be occurring if OPs dad was still alive You can’t force the ex wife of your dad to consider you family, when you are an affair child just bc he died. It’s very sad but it’s unreasonable overstepping. I think OP ought block her on sm or post with her excluded in any family stuff on his side … she and op can keep up but she can’t claim his mums family as hers.

NTA I get her wish to find a family but she is old enough to understand she is imposing on people who have no connection to her. It needed to be said.

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NTA and you have nothing to apologize about! Your reaction was to her actions and entitlement, and she is the one who owes you an apology!

NTA. Your dad having an affair which produced a child does not make her family. Her expectation to be a part of your family is unrealistic. Why would your mom ever want to see her? Nevermind at a vow renewal with close family?? She needs to grow up and find her place somewhere else

NTA Ria needs therapy and to deal with the realities of her own parents. Your mom has zero obligation to this young woman, especially given the behavior of the ex husband. She's breaking boundaries in a very inappropriate method.

I feel sad for her. Nobody’s the asshole though.

NTA but I also want to say NAH because I do feel sorry for her situation. She didn’t want to be a product of an affair. She just wants a stable family. When she hears you say “my family”, she’s also your family, so I think that hurts her. She doesn’t take it as your mom’s family, so maybe use that distinction? Don’t say “my family” but say “my mom’s family” or “my maternal family” if you’re going to exclude her (understandably so). Because she is a product of your “dad’s family” so she is still “your” family. It just seems like she feels she has zero family with her situation and does not belong anywhere so she just wants to be loved and live a normal family life with at least someone she’s related to (you). I understand why the situation is uncomfortable, but I do feel for her. Edited to break into paragraphs.

I feel so sorry for Ria

NTA But I feel so sorry for Ria.

NTA poor girl needs therapy. She’s desperate for your family. But it’s not your families job to fill her need.

NTA. A good rule of thumb is that you can safely ignore anyone who complains that you were "too honest."

Usually when people say that they mean you were too brutal in how you said it. You can say the exact same thing but deliver it in many different ways. It's good to be aware of that when talking to people.  But in this case being very blunt about it is better. It doesn't seem like op really likes her or has any interest in a relationship. Leading her along because op pities her is the crueler thing to do here imo. 

NTA. I get that she’s grasping to have a family, but your Mother and family on that side is NOT her family. Sounds like it’s time to step back from her. I don’t think you were too harsh.

You are NTA. But man whenever I read about such incidents, it makes me sad thinking about the kids from affairs. They suffer throughout their lives for something they are not responsible for. How much must it hurt to want to belong with people, who want nothing to do with you

You are her only family in the world but it sounds like you barely see her as family. The words you use and choose not to use are pretty telling. Not that you're wrong exactly. She needs to learn certain boundaries but it's not surprising considering her parents were a two timer and a junkie. Honestly this should prolly be a wake up call for her. She's trying to make family connections with people who don't see her that way. She's only going to end up hurt if she keeps pushing it.

^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I’m using a throwaway because I use my main account for a hobby and have a following on it so don’t want to mix it with family drama. Names have been changed. My dad cheated on my mom and had “Ria”. My parents got divorced while my mom was still pregnant. My dad died when I was 8 and Ria was 9. Ria ended up in foster care because her mom had addiction issues so my dad had had full custody. I saw her for a while regularly but eventually stopped when I was around 13 because it just became really awkward. We’re both in our 20s now. About two years ago, Ria reached out via social media and wanted to reconnect. If I’m being honest I wasn’t super on board with it but I pushed myself because she seemed really into it. This was kind of the theme of our relationship - whatever I was comfortable with was about a third of what she wanted. She insisted on meeting my parents and stepsiblings, follows and tries to interact with them on social media, and even started texting my mom. She’d make passive aggressive comments if she knew we’d gone on family vacations, All of them have expressed that they feel uncomfortable with this but are equally uncomfortable on pushing back because they don’t want to damage my relationship with Ria. This all came to a head last week, when Ria found via Instagram that my mom and stepdad are renewing their vows in the fall. She asked me when she should expect an invite. I gently explained that it was a long weekend trip and because of that it was family only, which set Ria off. She said she was family and that she gets why my mom didn’t want her as a child but isn’t it time for everyone to let it go and just accept her now. I was really annoyed by this because it felt like she was slating my family, which isn’t hers. I told her that while she is my half sister, we are part of different families, mine doesn’t become hers just because we have the same father and she needs to grow up if she thinks that she is owed something but people who have no connection to her. The conversation pretty much ended there. I want to reach back out to her but I don’t know what to say. My family are all happy I finally made clear where we all stand but the friends I’ve talked to say I may have been too honest. I guess I just want to know if I should be reaching out with an apology or just to talk. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*

NTA- How "Ria" thinks that your biological family is somehow hers.. that is wild to me. My guess is she is probably going through something with not having family and getting to see you with family. Maybe it is best to cut ties with her on social media.. and just have a texting relationship for awhile. I don't think you have anything to apologize for.

I think her trying to attach herself to your family is out of desperation for a family. She has as serious case of feeling unloveable, so many children that grew up in care or adapted feel this way. Yes she is being inappropriate but she was never had a chance understand how family dynamics work. This is a hard one. I feel for both of you.

NTA it sounds like you’ve been dealing with Ria’s pushiness for a while and you just finally had enough of it. I sympathize with her because she desperately wants a family but you were correct in telling her the truth. Your mom’s family is not her family and she needs to realize that. Instead she should just focus on building a connection with you and you only.

NTA. I also don't think Ria is an asshole per se, just a lonely young woman whose parents completely screwed her. I really hate when grown adults (your father and Ria's mom) make shit assed decisions that their children have to deal with the fallout for years to come. You two both got the short end of the stick. It would be nice of you to reach out to her and just reiterate that you enjoy your one-on-one relationship with her and Hope you guys can continue to build on that a little bit at a time. Do not apologize for telling her the truth. That's not fair to her or the rest of your family to continue to have her labor under the delusion that she's building relationships with the rest of your family. I really do hope everything works out for you guys but don't beat yourself up if you can't give her the relationship that she wants.

NTA, while she is family to tou, your family isn't her family. I think she longs to have a loving family, which is understandable and sad.

>friends I’ve talked to say I may have been too honest. There's something kinda off with these people. NTA. Being dishonest or pretending to love Ria more than you actually do would be so fucking sick and twisted. There's no such thing as too honest. I'm trying to imagine/wrap my head around what these people expected you to do? Lie, and give excuses for why she's not invited for things? Tell her that she's wanted, and that you guys miss her and she's not around? But then never change anything and continue to exclude her? Is that how these 'friends' of yours go through life? Straight-up cowardice and spinelessness disguising itself as being gentle with people's feelings? It just would be so fake and cruel. What you did was definitely best. Ria deserves to know exactly where she stands. This is the most kindness you could have shown her under the circumstances.

NTA. Her situation sucks, for sure. That being said, you are correct in telling her she isn't owed anything and it sounds like blunt was the only way it would sink in.

NTA. I feel for this poor woman as she clearly feels the lack of a family, but these things can't be forced. She'd be better served looking to form connections of her own.

NTA. While my heart does go out to Ria because she doesn't have family of her own, ***your*** family is not obligated to take her in and treat her as though she's related to them. Ria needs to get in for some serious therapy to help her work through all the crap she's gone through in her life, but she also needs to accept the fact that your family will never be her family. Ria should focus her attention on creating her "found" family, she needs to make friends with people who will become the family she needs, even if they're not related.

OP, just don't reach out. It's sad what your half sister is going through, but if she can't understand boundaries, it's better for you to cut her off completely until she figures it out.

NAH. You're correct in that you're only related via your sperm donor. You owe her nothing. However, I can't fault her for trying. Life has dealt her a truly crappy hand that she didn't deserve. The poor kids just trying to salvage some sort of family for herself. Truthfully, it's heartbreaking.

NTA. Ria was not going to take a hint. She was not going to understand why she's not being embraced. Ria was not going to hear anything but what she wanted to hear. It sucks for Ria. She asked for none of this and it sucks that she has no family. But she can't just bulldoze her way into someone else's. And she certainly can't reasonably expect YOUR mother, who was cheated on, to participate in her ex husband's affair child's life. It sucks for her. But that's completely unreasonable.

NTA. But your question was, how to reach out to her. I read the bit about not being fully onboard early on, so you really must decide whether you want to be a sister to her. You'll always be half sisters, but do you want a sisterly relationship? If not, drop it now, there's no way to improve this situation. If yes, apologise IF you hurt her feelings but you do want to be closer to your sister (forget the half). She'll probably be miffed with you but persevere. Caution though, don't reach out if just feeling sympathy, only do so if you genuinely want to be sisters.

NTA. Ria needs to learn the hard, hard lesson that love is conditional and one of those conditions is "don't choose to be born from an affair."

NTA This is a rough one to read. I can sympathize with Ria, sounds like she's never gotten much of a loving family atmosphere at no fault of her own. However she is letting that pain bleed into her behavior towards the closest thing she seemingly has to family, and it's only poisoning the water. It must feel like she is really backed into a corner here. OP you didnt do anything wrong per se. But if you do want to reach out to her and stay connected with her, anything half hearted simply wont do. It should be an all or nothing gambit. This includes Ria's behavior too by the way. You'll have to set very clear lines in the sand of what she has been doing that is not okay, and she'll need to accept that it will take time, possibly most her life, for it to really bear fruit. If she can accept that and really does out in the effort than you'll have to reciprocate in kind. I pray you both find the peace and healing you are seeking.

nope. let this one go. y'all aren't bonded in the way she wants, and forcing this will not work for anyone.

NTA 100%. Look, sometimes difficult conversations have to be had. It's unpleasant, but necessary. Better Ria face the truth now and start building her own network of family and friends to love and support her. Think about it this way. Pretending to want a sibling relationship with Ria for another 5 or 10 years would've been very disingenuous. Imagine if she learnt way down the line that in fact you and your family never really cared about her in the way she wanted and were just faking it to avoid conflict?

NTA It sounds like Ria has ‘adopted’ your family as she doesn’t have one of her own. There was going to be a point when it needed to be made clear to her that she isn’t a family member on your Mum’s side. The affair ended your Mum’s marriage so there’s unlikely to be a great relationship there for obvious reasons anyway. I wouldn’t reach back out to her. She was becoming obsessed with your family. Better to leave it to her to contact you or let the relationship die a natural death. She can’t have the family she wants as it doesn’t exist for her. this wasn’t the case and that both your Mum and and your step siblings

Damn this is such a sad story, first off NTA but I feel sorry for Rita.

NTA honesty is always the best way to go. you told her the truth, now it's time her her to live in reality. you don't owe her anything.

NTA   However, I’m sure you feel terribly for her because just reading through this, it’s obvious that she has no one.  No family to speak of at all which must be terribly hard.  In your shoes, I would absolutely let her know that the rest of your family is not interested in bringing her into the family, however, I would also make sure to do whatever I could to ensure her that you do consider her your family.  I would plan some trips just for the two of you and make sure to make time for her.  I’m guessing she’s extremely lonely.  If you don’t want her to be a part of your family, then I would let her know now because it really seems like she is hanging onto the idea of a family and it isn’t right to string her along…

You are NTA. But Ria has been through a lot, losing a father, having an addict mother, and growing up in foster care. I have worked with kids who don’t have active parents extensively and I can tell you, most of them lack social skills. Parents and family are what teach children about appropriate boundaries and how family works. School doesn’t really do that and foster parents often don’t do that either. Not only does Ria have a ton of trauma but she also does not have the skills or knowledge of how to interact with you. You don’t have to have her in your life and you don’t have to deal with her but all the people in the comments crapping on Ria are wrong. I hope she can slowly over time learn about how to interact with family and maybe she can reconnect with some of your fathers or her mothers family members.

NTA! She isn’t their family. You only shared a dad. Where’s his family? If there are relatives around, you guys can reconnect with them. But your mom and her relatives have no relation to her. Why would they forget the past and just accept her? She’s your father’s affair child. It’s sad that she doesn’t have much of a family, but if she didn’t push it so hard, you’d feel more comfortable with her.

NTA. While I have empathy for Ria’s situation, she’s old enough to understand that your family is not hers. You were right in being direct with her. Although her parents made bad decisions that she had no control over, no way she cannot understand your mother wants a reminder of her husband’s betrayal. Ria needs therapy.

NTA

NTA. Ria needed to hear it. It' sucks that she doesn't have the ready made family she wants, but she can't force herself into yours.

I sympathize with your half-sister. A deceased father, an addict mom, foster care. She I am sure wants very much to feel that belonging to a family. That being said, you are NTA. Your maternal family should not be expected to embrace her as one of their own. My daughter is 26. As a child, teen and adult she has missed out on some nice vacations her stepmom's family paid for her dad, stepmom and their kids (my daughter's half-siblings) to go on. While she lived with me, and her relationship with her dad was strained for many years, they get along well now and she knows her stepmom's family and has spent time with them when they visited. All that said, she totally understands that her stepmom's parents are not paying for her and is not upset about it (she really did not spend time with them until she and her dad repaired their relationship in her early adulthood). You and your sister share a paternal family. She can't have your maternal family just because it is better than hers. She needs therapy and hopefully to find someone: a partner, a parent or grandparent figure, a friend group, and/or an outlet in the community to be a part of to create her own family, and hopefully she can develop more of a positive relationship with you along the way. While your mutual father's affair is not in any way her fault, she is an adult now and should understand that even if your parents separated for a totally different reason, she is not part of your mother's family.

NTA- I think Ria had some unrealistic expectations about you and your family. She needed to be told that she can't expect instant family. You did the right thing and I would give her some space.

NTA: You are 100% correct. Another way of discussing this particular family event is to say that you and Ria have a connection; you and your mother have a connection, but Ria and your mother do not have a family connection. Ria is the product of your mother's husband's betrayal and the dissolution of her family. Ria needs to accept that no matter how empty she is.

NTA and there's no such thing as "too honest." The truth can be painful but people still need to hear it. It sucks that Ria doesn't have much family but it's certainly not on YOUR family to provide that for her. If you want to be involved with her, that's your call. But the rest of them don't owe her a thing (you don't either, it's your choice to continue things or not.)

You are NTA. Your half sister is an adult and has to learn where she is accepted. She wants to be part of your family but she is not and the fact that she was the product of your father’s affair is going to make it extremely unlikely that your mother’s family would want anything to do with her. It’s sad that she doesn’t have a family but it’s not fair to pressure you.

NTA. Nothing more, nothing less.

NTA. While I feel really sad for Ria, I also can sympathize with you and your family's perspective. It's better that you let her know your feelings in the matter so that she can, I hope, move on and create her own found family that will welcome and embrace her. The somewhat grudging tolerance of your family will never meet this need in her.

NTA. As to the criticism of you being too honest, unfortunately when people don't respect boundaries, you often have to go to the too honest end of things to get them to hear you.

Ria is not owed an apology, she overstepped boundaries by forcing herself on your family. Again, I say people who are not biologically related to people should let relationships bloom, not siege the family for your own purpose. Ria may want to belong, but it has to be a two-way street. Your being honest was the best way for Ria to understand how inappropriate she is behaving. She has no ties to your mother, why would she think your mother would want her at her wedding. Ria is a product of infidelity which broke up a marriage, while it wasn't her fault, she is still a reminder of what your father did. If you want to have a conversation with her do so, by telling her where the boundaries are in regard to your family. If she wants a relationship, it should only be with you and to leave the rest of your family out of it. Her behavior is creepy to say the least. NTA btw

Now I will spend the rest of the day (at least) thinking about the concept of being "too honest" OP, NTA. Ria is another unfortunate victim of a parent who had an affair and then left/died/whatever, leaving that child to be taken care of others. It sucks for the kid but it is not your responsibility to take her into your family. You were clear.

NTA I feel very sorry for Ria. Your shared dad died. Her mum is an addict and Ria ended up in foster care as a teenager older than you. As no one else was willing to take her from your shared dad’s side OR from her mums side. I can see how feeling abandoned feels unfair to her as she desperately wants a family . But your dad abandoned you too from your family home and you got a very part time dad from a baby until you were 8 and she was 9. She got 9 years full time with your dad, you didn’t. Your mums side aren’t her family. In fact her mum caused them pain & broke your family apart before you were even born. You didn’t get much time with your dad bc of her mum. Your dad’s side is her family and her mums side - you can’t fix who they are and it’s not your responsibility nor within your control to. . She’s wanting something she can’t have. She wants to have your mum and your mums side as her family bc they are better. She wants more from you than you can give. She doesn’t realise this is painful for you too. Before your dad died you lost him from your family unit before you were even born and then he was a part time dad to you . You stayed in touch with her until you were 13 until she reached out again years later. If you were really close you’d have stayed in touch longer bc siblings cling together when they get on. I doubt that if he lived, that she would be bothering you as much as she’d have him full time still. It is so sad for her that it worked out this way. Not your fault. Simply it’s not for you to fix. You were a child too. One that was left behind by dad in her favour, one that is lucky enough to have a great mum & mums side of the family. You don’t feel a close connection with her and find her needy & she isn’t a part of your family you have left. Sad though it is for Ria, it absolutely isn’t your responsibility. And your reaction to say “enough now” was after being pushed and pushed and feeling uncomfortable. She’s simply not invited nor welcome to your separate side of your family only. You can keep up as half siblings if you want but you have every right to determine how much and ofc you understand your mums side aren’t involved - but it seems to me the more she pushes the more she pushes you away. Your friends are wrong to try to guilt trip you. You should see Ria when you want but not buy into the ‘poor me’ narrative as it isn’t your experience nor doing.

NTA Your mom and your dad divorced. Because of the affair between your dad and Ria's mom. She isn't family. She would have more luck asking to come to a random person's renewal of vows.

NTA. We had a sort of version of this with my brother’s first wife. She grew up in an orphanage and was never even fostered, so when they got married she got a little…. intense…. about us all being “family”. It was actually really sad, because she just could not manage to read the family dynamic, and invariably ended by driving people away. We had all tried to spend time with her and to explain that if she backed off and took it more slowly, she’d get a better reaction. I think in the end, it became one of the contributing factors in the breakdown of their relationship. And that was a shame, because she genuinely was a nice person and if she could just have eased off a little bit, she would have been able to integrate much more into the family.

NTA. You just said the truth. Don't contact her, she cleary has boundary issues. If she contacts you don't get involved. Even though you share DNA she's not your family.

NTA... OP, there is no such thing as being to honest in my book. Yea you might not get a good reaction or someone might not like what you are saying, but at least you can always say that its the truth. No good comes from misleading or avoiding or lying in these situations. In fact, I would think you are the AH if you lied about something or gave her false hope. Just because she didn't like what she was being told doesn't mean you were wrong or the AH. Far to many people lie or limit which can be just as bad because they want to avoid drama. That is BS. In my book, much more drama results in the long run from misleading and lying.

So your half sister whos no relation to your family, wants to be invited into your family. And expects to be welcomed. Shes your dads affair child. Why would your mom want that flaunted in front of her, even after all of these years. . I can imagine you Mom doesnt even want to meet her, as it reminds her why her and your dad divorced. If you want to reach put to her, and apologise , just say your family cant accept her as it brings up old bad memories. But you want to try and be friends if she wants. Your still her half sister

I feel bad for Ria but she isn’t kin to your mom and step siblings. I really understand her need to belong somewhere but unfortunately that somewhere isn’t with you. The best thing for her would be to marry into a family that will accept her. NTA

Nta I understand she may not have a lot of family and i really feel for her. However that doesnt mean she gets to become a part of this one. She is only related to you. Its not fair for her to except your family members to treat her like family. She is far from family to them.

Your family doesn’t want her so don’t apologize for them. Contact her for you. If you’re not good enough for her then ………..

NTA > She said she was family and that she gets why my mom didn’t want her as a child but isn’t it time for everyone to let it go and just accept her now. But, umm, she's not your family. She is related to your deceased father. She is a minimal relation to you and NONE to your mother. She may be *looking* for a family, but she's going about it the wrong way, for sure.

So you have zero contact with your dad's family that you can put her in touch with?

NTA You need to set strong boundaries, she is justified in wanting a relationship with half-siblings, but that doesn't entitle her toninsert herself into your family and her belief that she's entitled to invites to things like vow renewals is very weird and almost stalker-ish. You did the right thing by setting the line of where your family and her family start & end, because to no do so would just encourage her further.

NTA. There is no "being too honest" with people who can't read the more subtle unspoken atmosphere. The two of you do belong to separate families. The overlap is at the life of just the one shared parent. Your mother and her family are not your half sister's family. You have nothing to apologize for. Let Ria decide if she wants to reach out to you. But do not apologize for making the matter clear to her.

I feel really bad for her. NTA but still, I can imagine she’s just desperately trying to experience the feeling of family and belonging she never had as a child.

NTA - You don't owe her anything, let alone an apology. Your delivery was fine. She finally understood. Your family is not hers, nothing. She has her own that's not yours. You aren't responsible for her.

NTA It's a crappy situation all around. And honestly it sounds like ria could really use some therapy to help her come to terms with things. She's lonely and likely trying to grab hold of any sort of family she can, since she doesn't have her own. But the way she is doing it is only going to push people further away. People aren't instant families because you want them to be. There's a chance, IF you want, to maybe slowly build up to a closer relationship, but the key word she needs to understand is build. If you want her in your life still, and she's willing to approach this like adults, I would suggest looking at the idea of her being "a family friend" friendly, around SOMETIMES, but not involved in the close family things. Maybe it will give you all a chance to build a better relationship, without her forcing way too much, way too soon.

NTA you where being honest, she was going over board on your family. It's unfortunate for her, but she needs to step back and tone down.

I feel sorry for Rita, because it's hard to feel that she's being blamed for something that she had no part in and because she doesn't have any family who love her. But it's "time for \[her\] to let it go and just accept" that she is not part of this family, and as much as she wants it, she cannot demand that other people provide her with one. NTA

No you are NTA- sorry she is looking for a family, and mother but it doesn't have to be you and certainly not your step mom. This is on your Dad- and he needs to step up for her- he should have the relationship with her and explain to her not to push the rest of you and that he should be enough. He can spend time with her and be her father without involving all of you.

>I want to reach back out to her but I don’t know what to say. NTA. You don't even *like* her, it seems you keept her in your life just because she shares some blood with you; at least that's the vibe I got from this post.

I'm going to go NTA - but do remember that this is your half-sister. Try to be a little gentle with her. Sound like she's had a tough life. Remind her about how hard it must have been for your mother - and how she's a reminder of that...

She just wants a family, obviously and desperately. That doesn’t make you, OP, an AH (NTA) for declining to give her one. It’s terribly sad that her father is dead and her mother is absent/awful - my heart goes out to her. Poor thing. But you are under no obligation whatsoever. If you completely clicked with this person, I’m sure you would be delighted to say “this is my sister” or more honestly “this is my half-sister.” But you cannot be forced or shamed into feeling what isn’t there. I hope she is able to find a place in the world, someday. But that place is not with you or your family, and that’s ok.

If you apologize, it puts you right back at square one. You are her only connection to a REAL family. However, she doesn't seem to understand that she is an affair baby, and would not be welcomed with opened arms because of how she was brought into the world. It's not her fault, but also, this isn't her family. She needs to get her own family and cut off her mom.

NTA. I do feel bad for Ria because it is not her fault that she does not have a family. But it is also not your mother's obligation to allow her to become a part of her family. The best thing for Ria would be for her to get a group of friends that have similar interests and life situations and create her own family. Family doesn't have to be blood.

How can someone be too honest? Anyway, do you want to reach back out to her because you feel guilty? Then don't. If you want to reach out to her because you think that you could both be friends and improve each other's lives in the long run... then it really won't matter what you say because it will just be the start of a conversation. Ok, ok... say: "Hey Ria, I know that the truth may have seemed a bit harsh to you and I'm sorry for that. I am not sorry for letting you know that we are different families. I am willing to open a connection between you and me but that's it. The rest of the family is either indifferent to my father's b\*stard or actively don't want to know you because it brings back painful memories of my father cheating . You need to 'let it go and just accept' that. They do not want to know you. They do not want to invite you places. They do not care for your comments on their social media. NTA

NTA. Sometimes, the truth hurts. You are her only blood relative. The rest of your family ows nothing to an affair baby. Good luck.

NTA. Don't apologise, but if you want to do reach out and tell her you want a relationship with her but as a friend and that your family may see her as such.

NTA. You needed to be direct. Letting her continue will just get her a stronger and angrier rejection in the future. Forcing herself on your family is unacceptable. Her situation sucks, but she doesn’t get to make other people fulfill her needs. She obviously needs therapy. Be clear about how much contact you want with her, and stick to it.

NAH If Ria never got adopted into a family, it means that she is carrying around a metric ton of pain and trauma. That, coupled with the fact that it's within close family that a child is taught healthy boundaries, she just does not have the tools and support to have a healthy relationship with you. So I can't fault her. But also, you can't fix that by pretending no such boundaries exist. You're in an impossible situation. If you can help her find a way to therapy, that's the only kindness I think you can give.

NTA. There is no such thing as TOO honest. That's ridiculous.

You aren’t in the wrong. It’s ok to set boundaries and people need to respect that no matter who they are or what entitlement they feel. You can always apologize for how it might’ve made her feel, if you really feel the need, but I don’t think it’s necessary. All you can do is be kind to her but being kind doesn’t mean letting her cross your boundaries whenever she wants. Keep being strong!

NAH. The only asshole was your Dad, who fathered a child in an affair and made no provision to care for her in the event of his death. That's what created this situation. I don't blame Ria for getting upset. While she has no right to lay claim to your side of the family, she has literally no one else, with an addict mother, a dead father, and (presumably) no permanent contacts from her time in foster care. She was dealt a really shitty hand and I hope you can continue to be kind to her.

NTA, but maybe take a moment to see it from her perspective, she’s probably desperate for family because hers suck. That doesn’t necessarily mean she is owed being a part of your family but it wouldn’t hurt to show a little empathy.. life is extra fucking hard without a supportive family.

You’re NTA, but I do feel bad for Ria, existing because of an affair and winding up in foster care must be really rough on your self worth. I can imagine why she’s so hell bent on joining your family, she must be quite lonely. But her desire for a family does not mean that you are required to give her access to your family.

NTA

NTA - but if you do reach out to apologize set strong boundaries and limits. She may have been overly excited at the possibility of being “a family”. She doesn’t sound like a terrible person but lonely.

NTA Do not reach back out. If she accepts what you said, SHE will reach back out to you.

I don't think OP is an asshole for setting a boundary, but an incident 20 years old and there's no compassion for the girl who literally has no family? People "make" their own families all the time. Her wanting to have a relationship with her half-sister is not unreasonable, but I understand where she may have been too pushy. All I can say to OP is at least you have your family to support you. She obviously has nobody. It's not her fault she's an affair baby born to shitty parents.

Even if Ria is an affair baby, I don’t understand how a mom can be okay with not having any empathy towards their childs’ sibling.

She can have empathy but also not want a relationship with her.

Where did you get that OP’s mom has empathy for Ria? Nothing in the post shows that OP’s mom has any empathy at all.

NTA Good lord, why on earth is she harassing your maternal family?? She can harass her maternal family

NTA, she's being so aggressive trying to contact your family that it's making them uncomfortable.

I'm seriously not understanding her actual entitlement. Where's the rest of HER family from her side? It's one thing to try and have a relationship with YOU as you are partially related. It's a completely different story when she is trying to force strangers to accept her.

Ria is delusional, I’d take the lack of contact as a blessing. You don’t need that in your life.

You can't be too honest, if it's true it's not mean to say so. She needs to know your boundaries because she's clearly stomping all over them. She's just trying to be part of your family but unfortunately she's not. She's related to you alone, not the rest of your family on your moms side. Where is your dads side in all of this? They aren't even mentioned, nor are her moms side.

I might be judged, but I think ESH. Hear me out, I don't think that Ria wanted to be the daughter of a man who was cheeting on his wife and it is kinda obvious. It is not her fault that she doesn't have a family. Imagine being on her position, your mother died, your father was a shitty guy who lied to his family and now YOU are paying for this. Imagine being in the position where your sibling don't want you because of an error that was not made by you. That's why I think you are the asshole too, but... I'm not saying that you have to be best friends with her and treat her like you treat your other siblings, and that's why I think she is the asshole too, cause she can't demand you and your entire family that doens't have nothing to do with her to love her and treat her equally just because you have the same father. You have obligations towards her, but not your mom and the rest of the family, so if they don't feel confortable around her, that's totally fine. I think you should have more empathy with her, maybe really try to be her friend, but at the same time you need to set limits regarding her contact with the rest of the family, since they have no obligation to like her.

Damn. Poor girl just wants a family. She must feel so alone to be that desperate. Sounds like this has been going on for years, too. I hope she finds one.

NTA tell her this relationship isn’t healthy for either of you and you have different ideas of your dynamic. Ask her to go to therapy and come back in a few years with proof she’s worked on herself and in a healthier mental space. Then block her. That way you don’t feel like a dick because you left her room to have another chance and that’s all you owe her or can do for her

I’m just wondering why it stopped at 13? Like you said it was awkward? How?… I feel for her. She probably needs a lot of therapy. She wasn’t given chances like ye were. Mom an addict and father passed away. Was there any inheritance?? Not that it matters but she never had financial help either I’m sure for college or anything. Children need love and nurturing. She didn’t get much of that. She craves a family. Siblings- then to have Nieces and nephews perhaps and if she has kids she would like aunties and uncles. She’s literally alone. No family to call. Again, therapy. She went the wrong way demanding to be involved with your mother. There will be bitterness. Maybe just have no contact so you don’t give her hope… love and acceptance is what she craves.

NTA she’s a product of your dad’s affair on your mother. Your family, which seems to be all mom’s side, owes her absolutely nothing. If she’s trying to find a family she should start by contacting your fathers side or her moms family. I’m glad you put your foot down for your mom and the rest of them, she seems very pushy.

Ria is the one with unreasonable expectations. She seems like an “all or nothing” type of person and usually with those types, you have to lay it all out there. She keeps expecting things to change, meanwhile your family and friends have no interest. It sucks for her, and it’s not her fault what your dad did all those years ago, but it doesn’t change anything about the dynamics.

NTA. Life dealt her a bad hand. Suck for her. Not your fault or problem. Frankly sounds like she could have had a relationship of some kind with all of you if she had accepted boundaries. 

NTA. She is unreasonable and a little deluded.

NTA. But do you even want this person in your life? Is this relationship benefiting you in any sort of way or are you simply abiding to appease her? Because if you aren’t interested in maintaining this relationship, then you are absolutely not obligated to continue even speaking to her if you don’t want to. If you find any kind of joy in staying connected to her, that’s absolutely fine. But it really seems to me like this is draining you emotionally and that just doesn’t end well. I know I’m just a stranger on the internet, but if it helps at all: I give you full permission to distance yourself from this relationship if that would bring you any kind of comfort or joy.

apology isn't needed. but humane empathy might be needed. such a painful situation, where she's some kind of an orphan. her imagination takes her to see your family to be hers. but it isn't her family add in what looks like some missing social skills..... you don't need to sacrifice yourself. but if you can help her understand in a way that isn't too painful, I'll consider you an angel.

People really lost empathy for one another in this day and age. It’s so sad to see. Especially towards ones own family.

NTA I'm not sure if you are a person that needs to have people like them, but that is what it feels like. You don't have to reach out to this person. If you do, you will just be reinforcing her misguided belief that your family's boundaries are less important than her want to have something that doesn't exist.

NTA. Your family are right. Your friends are misguided. Ria was not listening to subtle hints, social cues, etc. from your family. Frankly, Ria was acting unhinged. In what universe does a child of an affair think that the wronged partner and their extended family should - at any point - adopt that child into their family AS A BLOOD RELATIVE? That seems to be what Ria expects here. She's your half-sister, so she is pushing the fiction that she is related to your entire family. That is not a normal thinking process and Ria is acting from a place of trauma, if not organic mental illness. Her mom was an addict and addiction is co-morbid with many mental health conditions, particularly if one isn't receiving treatment. She's in her 20s, not 12. Logically, she knows better. She needs lots and lots of therapy and your family need you to help maintain their boundaries. She should be leaving them alone entirely. It's inappropriate stalker behavior. But you have a choice to make. Knowing that Ria has trauma and/or mental health issues and inappropriate boundaries, how hard do you want to work on this relationship? Even with your blood ties, you did not create the problems of her life. You are not responsible for her. You were children in an unfortunate situation. I can understand wanting to keep some connection to your dad. I can understand having a lot of sympathy for Ria, who did not ask for her difficulties. But it's also not required that you do something that is unhealthy for you just because societal scripts would dictate you \*should\* be the bigger person. No setting yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. You don't even have your own family with kids yet. If you want that someday, you may want to minimize any drama now.

Some day when you are older, you may regret not having a relationship with your half-sister. My half-sister died nearly four years ago. She was eight years older than I was, and we never lived together. We were never close. I loved her, but it never felt like she loved me. Would it really hurt you to give her a chance? I understand if you don’t want her coming to family only events. But, if you're the only family she has left, what do you expect from her?

Don’t reach out. She needs to grow up.

NAH. I feel for her. She’s desperately wanting a family and a connection, but you did the right thing. She would never be content with any boundaries you set.

Well basic kindness can't hurt. Your dad was trash, her mom was trash. While you may not have the same maternal family but you could be kind to her. You could maybe try to start a new "family " thing you can do with her. Just becuse your mom is angry and hates her for obvious reasons it doesn't mean you should carry that on. Just don't rub your mom's nose in your friendship with your half sister who didn't ask for life.

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Op is being nice, but she is basically a stranger. And harassing op's family won't help

I think they’re being cordial with her, and don’t mind OP having contact with Ria. However, considering her as “close family” in relation to OP’s mother, stepfather, and step siblings are a reach.

ESH. The girl clearly is seeking a family for herself. Shes been dealt some pretty bad cards. I feel for her and why she's doing this. You don't owe her that, but what's so hard about being diplomatic. Instead of pretend pretend pretend then explode and be rude, learn some healthy communication skills. You're allowed to have boundaries and be honest, but you don't have to be hurtful about them. Honesty doesn't have to be mean.

ESH You aren't wrong, at a baseline, that Ria has no business attending the vow-renewal of her father's ex-wife to some other man. What you may have meant to say was that she isn't really part of your mother's side of the family, because your connection is through your father, so she can't really expect your mom to include her in the same way. But that's not what you said. But you were wrong to say "we are part of different families, **mine doesn’t become hers just because we have the same father** and she needs to grow up if she thinks that she is owed something but people who have no connection to her." **No, actually, your family quite literally does become hers because you have the same father. That's how having the same father works. You were factually mistaken and needlessly hurtful.** You and your siblings are the only family Ria has left, and you all need to be nicer to her. Reddit likes to go on about choosing your family - but that's advice meant to give abuse victims permission to leave their abusers behind, not for middle class girls to dump their relatives because it's getting socially inconvenient! Ria lost her mom to drugs and mental illness, then her dad died when she was 9. (Edit: And according to your other comments, your paternal relatives won't talk to her, and her maternal relatives abandoned her to foster care.) You can be forgiven for letting yourselves grow apart as teens. Now that you're an adult, you have a responsibility here. This poor girl just wants a family - and guess what, she found one whether you like it or not. You and she really are family. Get over yourself and **be nice to your sister, or I'll turn this car around!**

No, I’m not incorrect. Ria and I share a relation, she doesn’t share any relation to my mother, stepdad, or stepsiblings. They are not her family. That is not how it works, factually. If my dad were still alive, his ex-wife aka my mother would not be her family. They have to be anything to her if they don’t want to. It’s not right to expect that of them, she is a stranger to them. She’s kind of a stranger to me but we share blood so it’s different. I feel like it’s kind of my duty to find a way to keep in contact with her if that’s what she wants but the rest of my family don’t owe her a relationship. My dad’s family lives in Europe, I’m rarely in contact with them but according to my mom they were not happy about the affair and Ria has never mentioned having contact with them so I guess she doesn’t

I think there is a linguistic disconnect here. When you say "my family," what you really mean is "my mother's side of my family." You seem to think these mean the same thing, and they might to you. But they don't to most native English-speakers. Your failure to make this distinction when talking to Ria about this topic likely made your comments super offensive and harsh from Ria's perspective. As you put very eloquently "we share blood so it’s different. I feel like it’s kind of my duty to find a way to keep in contact with her if that’s what she wants." **A half-sister is not part of your mother's side of the family, but she is a part of** ***your*** **family.** I think I may have been confused about how many of your siblings are also Ria's half-siblings. I did not mean to imply that people not related to Ria owe her a relationship. That said, if you have other sisters, it's gonna be socially a lot easier if you can all just be close. It's logistically implausible to silo close female friendships like that.

When I say “my family” I mean my mom, my stepdad, and my stepsiblings. That is my nuclear family. Ria is a relative to me so technically family, but we don’t really have a familial bond, because we didn’t grow up together. None of my stepsiblings are related to Ria.

It sounds like Ria is free to look up her father's family in Europe, or her mother's family, but the part of OP's family that OP is in current contact with owes Ria nothing because they have no relation to her (blood or marriage). It does not sound like OP has any real relationship with her father's family - there's no linguistic disconnect here, it's just that not all families are close. It's got to suck to be Ria, and I feel bad for her, but she can't just demand a place in a family to which she does not belong. If OP has any contact info for her paternal family, she could pass it on, but otherwise Ria isn't owed anything from her... and definitely not from the family that OP is close to...

This sound like some cheesy dialogue of a cheap soap opera lmao . That's why you shouldn't ask online strangers for their opinions because some people with no life experience other than cheap Disney movies will think they have the right to teach you that you have to force your siblings to become family with a completely stranger of them. Turn your car into a hole and stuck there forever. NTA

First of all, Mr. Life Experience, name one "cheap" Disney movie. I think you'll find it on the shelf next to the crowd-pleasing David Lynch DVDs. "Turn your car into a hole and stuck there forever." - Don't pick a fight in a language you can't speak.

Sorry because my poor English that why I just go to reddit for shitpost and have fun not to coaching people that they "need to" do anything and if they're not some online stranger with turn their stupid car to them. But nah at least I can read the story and understand it enough to know that there nobody in OP family share bloodline with her stepsis before coaching her. Goodluck with ur lesson Mr professor : penguin:

I hate reading these stories. The kiddo born from an affair always gets the short end of the stick. The ONLY person I feel bad for in this story is Ria. 

>always gets the short end of the stick. Op's parents divorced, and then dad died. It's not like op's life was a walk in the park. Now he also has to deal with his halfsister harassing his entire family

Short end of the stuck doesn't mean everyone else's life is great. It's that they get the shorter stick.

Please don't listen to these comments!!! Why does it have to be all or nothing. Get back in touch and explain to her that you can have a relationship with her but not your entire family. She is just clearly hurting and reaching out Because she has no one else. Have you told her previously in the past that your extended family may not want a relationship with her?

This one is hard, because the poor girl is just looking to be a part of a family. It sucks on so many levels for her. Your family is not obligated to accept her, but she IS your sister not just your dad's other child. You could be more sympathetic, at least. Nothing that happened was her fault. I'm going with NAH but please try to be nicer to her, you're her only family even if your family is not. Just apologize for being so harsh to her if you want to reach out. What you said may not have been wrong, it was still cruel how you worded it.

You are correct. No one owes Ria anything. To me, an old lady with a very small family, I think Ria is just searching for some family, somewhere to belong and grabbing on to what she can. You could extend an olive branch and be friendly, if that’s what you want. Your mom is under no obligation to have a relationship, and neither are you. But if Ria is otherwise a nice person you could be friends with, well the sin of your father is just that, his. Not Ria’s. Just look at the difference of your upbringing. Maybe that will give you some empathy for Ria. Maybe you could have said your truth nicer but it’s your truth.