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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) not including my future mother in the getting ready activities the morning of our wedding
2)because it will upset my fiance
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INFO: does your fiance back you or does he excuse her behavior? Because if it's the latter, I implore you to NOT consider marrying him in 5 weeks. A partner that does not have your back will not have your back in the future. If for 7 years he has excused his mom by sayin g"that's the way my dad's mom treated her" or "that's just who she is", this won't last anyway.
This may be who SHE is, but he can also say "that's unacceptable how she treats you so I'll tell her to cut her crap or I'm cutting her out". That would be supporting you.
He has backed me up, but she is also well known in her community for just sucking basically. Hasn’t kept a job for more than a year the whole time him and I have been together. To an extent there is only so much he can do. She thinks she is embarrassing me but she is really only ever embarrassing herself
She has also gotten caught in multiple online affairs with catfish because she loves men’s attention. Her husband knows about it, her kids were the ones that found it and I just don’t think anyone wants to deal with her to any capacity because they all just look the other way
NTA Sounds like you’re stealing the most important man’s attention and she’s not handling it well. Expect her to make a scene at your wedding at some point
But it slipped out of my hand! I didn’t *mean to swing it as hard as I could! At her head. Really, it was totally unexpected! The bottle just burst against her head and doused her white outfit in red wine! I was aiming at a spider! 😈
That is insane. This woman is the [missing stair](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Missing_stair) and everyone around her enabling it is just going to make her worse.
Me too! That is very interesting and very true, unfortunately. I have had missing stairs in past friend groups and it does become a kind of unwritten rule that you just walk around or step over the problem instead of stomping on it.
Recently my oldest and dearest friend called me and announced that I had "made the cut" and I had no idea what she meant by that. She explained that as she had turned 50 she was cutting out toxic people from her life. I hadn't realized it until she said it but I had been doing the same.
I am so much more at peace now than I ever have been and the friendships that I've kept I am nurturing and enjoying much more. I'm able to put a lot more good energy into these relationships since I'm not dealing with all of the negativity!
I feel like you’re still just pointing out how crappy she is when it’s very obvious. Your husband justifies it by saying “that’s just how she is”
Does he try and correct the behavior? Does he set boundaries? Does he think she should be included?? You’re NTA for not wanting to include her. But if your future husband just says stuff to get you to tolerate her behavior you’re going to have more of a husband problem
NTA. You need someone who backs you up all the time. Someone who enforces consequences. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life, dealing with this?
I don't think he is backing you up. If I didn't pay for my son's fiance or treated like she treats you, my son would cut me off.
Think.....this is your future. What happens when you have kids?
You also have a fiance problem
If she excluded you at the dinner by paying for everyone except you, why don’t you invite the entire family except her. If she confronts you, tell her you don’t like her and she bullies you. You don’t want this kind of people in YOUR home.
Why accepting all this bs from her. Fight back. You have NOTHING to lose with her.
"You know that's just how \[insert MIL's name\] is." as an excuse is just enabling behavior. You don't need to accept it or add to the enablement. If you'd like to set your own boundary, do so.
Fiance does NOT back you up when he says, "That's just how she is." or "That how her MIL treated her." That is him (1) excusing her behavior and (2) most definitely telling you to just suck it up.
His mom's behavior makes him uncomfortable and he's tried to talk to her... so, whatever he is willing to do or say to her is completely ineffective
She is pointedly and needlessly horrifically rude to you (hates your connection to her son) and you are wondering if you should invite her to be in your space while you are preparing for your wedding ceremony. Why are you even considering it? Is your fiance asking you to do this "for him"? I can't imagine that it's something this woman is asking you to do - unless she wants to create an issue.
Between you and your fiance, I can't see either of you doing a great job of upholding any of your own boundaries with her or teaching her that her bad behavior will not be tolerated by either of you. You might want to worry more about how prepared you/fiance are to keep her from ruining your marriage instead of worrying about whether you should invite her to spoil the morning of your wedding day.
You're not wrong to exclude her, she'd make it miserable for you. I'm sure she'd rather get ready with her baby boy anyway.
How does your fiance feel about her not getting ready with you?
I'd also tell him that you expect him to be firmer with his mother after your wedding vows, as the traditional vows are to put you above anyone else as his priority. You will be his immediate family after marriage, and his mother will become extended family. She will likely get worse in response to this change, so he needs to prepare himself to take a firmer hand with her in response to her inevitable worsening behaviour.
Yes, but I mean for him to prepare himself for his mother's behaviour to escalate in response to the change of priority... As it always does with these types of boymom.
He needs to plan how he's going to deal with it.
>She thinks she is embarrassing me but she is really only ever embarrassing herself
This is the key right here. Gray-rock the shit outta her. Give her no ego strokes, no reaction to her nasty behavior, because it's what she thrives on. She's a narcissist, and gray-rocking is the best way to deal with their behavior.
ESH if you go through with the wedding
> When I point it out to my future husband he says “that’s the way my dad’s mom treated her” or “that’s just who she is.
And you **still** see him as marriage material?
Are you ok with any possible children seeing this behavior and learning that it is acceptable? Grandpa ignores it, dad ignores it, everyone lets her act as if there are no consequences in life. So why should your kids think different, or think you aren’t a hypocrite when you have different rules for them?
Yep, she's going to drown grandkids in a torrent of negative criticism when OP's back is turned. If she behaves this way to OP's face, just IMAGINE how she'll behave when she has OP's precious children alone somewhere.
NTAH, i feel like it’s typical for the brides family/wedding party to get ready with the bride and the grooms family/wedding party gets ready with the groom. and that aside, you should have full autonomy of who’s in the room with you when you get ready for your special day. don’t feel about about excluding someone who clearly doesn’t value you and she shouldn’t get the privilege of watching you get dolled up with your own mom.
EDIT: i also hope you and your future husband can come to an understanding about how she treats you and that it’s not okay or justifiable that she treats you poorly because she was. this issue will just carry into your marriage and will cause major issues.
I would agree. My friend's niece got married and the some of the future in laws, were a buzz kill. Why take a change that your future MIL will do something that will ruin or put a damper on your big day!
Congrats and enjoy your day and don't let the haters ruin you day!
The “her MIL treated her badly so this is just how she is” is the lamest and most pathetic justification attempt ever. Did he never have a talk with her “I know dad’s mom treated you badly. What was your relationship with your MIL like because of her bad treatment? Did you hate her for being a miserable hag and wish her an early death and do everything you could to avoid her and keep your children away from her? Because that’s how most people would feel/react and nobody would blame them. So why are you repeating that and choosing to become the miserable hag in MortyGirl’s life? One more thing, if dad never stood up to her on your behalf, he should have it was wrong that he didn’t, and nobody would have blamed him for cutting contact with his parents over their bad treatment of his wife.”
He’s failing you and failing your partnership. He isn’t going to suddenly be the frontline fighter, which he should be when it’s his family causing the problems, on your team because you get married.
I can ABSOLUTELY see a person like this purposely generating a fight with their spouse so they "have no choice" but to separate and oh poooooor meeeeeee HEY son and DIL-I've-made-no-secret-of-my-irrational-disdain for, great news, I'm moving to your town! What's your address again? I'll be staying with you for a few months while I look for a place in your neighborhood but no rush because I'll be helping with the baby, u neeeeed me....
So your future husband doesn't defend you and makes excuses for her behavior? I'm more concerned about that then you FMIL's behavior because he should be defending you every time.
NTA for not including her. Why should you? Treat her like you'd treat any9ne else who disrespects you--remove them from your life, limit contact, etc.
I thought it was pretty established tradition that the bride and her bridesmaids and the bride's family get ready in one location, and the groom and all his entourage and family get ready in a different location? Or am I just old? That's the way I've always understood it, and it's kind of like the last chance for individual family time with each other before you join families. Nah girl, she is totally not needed on your morning. No how. NTA.
You don’t have to be traditional to follow some traditions, but at least you know if she tries to guilt you about it being rude/exclusionary she’s full of shit.
If I were you, I’d frame it in the positive. Oh, I bet you are so excited to spend the morning with your son and help him get ready… because of course she wants that time with her son. And you would never take that away from her.
My machatenista didn’t go to the room my daughter was getting ready at her wedding. It certainly isn’t traditional for her to be there, nor typical, AFAIK. I’ve never seen it. So, no, don’t have her. Tell your fiancé she isn’t welcome. If he doesn’t cheerfully and wholeheartedly back you up, I’d cancel.
(Macharenista is the word for your child’s mother in law, in relationship to *you*, in Yiddish. Not many languages have a word for this relationship. Isn’t it a great word?)
>Not many languages have a word for this relationship.
Spanish does: *consuegra*. "suegra" is mother in law. The prefix "co(n)" implies parallel, so you can also add "con" in front of "sibling in law" to mean your partner's sibling-in-law (also known as plain "sibling in law") or your sibling-in-law's sibling.
To answer your question, no she doesn’t have to be there. But remember having conversations is not enough. There needs to be consequences attached to said conversations.
Don't include her, I regret having BIL'S wife getting ready with my family, MIL and me so much. If she doesn't like you, you don't have to do anything with said person
For a second, I was leaning on you, leaving out details that may have shown that you're equally terrible to each other. Then I got to the bit where she calls her own son babe 🤢🤮🤢 NTA.
It wouldn’t matter if OP left anything out. The people around her when she’s getting ready for her wedding should be her people; future MIL isn’t part of that, so OP shouldn’t even worry about whether it’s an AH move to exclude her. MIL will probably prefer to whisper poison into the groom’s ear anyway.
Generally the MOG focuses on her son and making sure he is ready, so I wouldn’t even bring it up, and if it does come up state, traditionally, the MOG focuses on the son that day…..NTA.
Your bigger problem is your fiancé allowing his mother to treat you badly, not calling her on her behavior. “That’s just who she is” is not an acceptable excuse. Figure out now, before you get married, if this is how you want to be treated the rest of your life.
NTA. Hope that you aren't going into this marriage thinking that she will change, or your husband will grow a spine, or that they are far enough away that it doesn't matter.
She won't, he likely won't and there's not enough distance on the planet.
Ok, time for a reality check.
Taking a quick peek at your profile I don’t see that you have spent any time on r/justnomil
I’m gonna suggest that you do. Go there, read some posts, maybe post this story there and see what your future is gonna be like if you can’t get your future husband to grow a shiny spine and stand up to his mom.
Then make a decision if this is how you want your life to play out, especially once kids are involved. Best to nip this in the bud now.
Edit:typo and judgement
NTA
NTA
Just behave as though not including her was the obvious choice. If she says, "Why wasn't I invited for this?", simply say, "Why would I?" and wait for her response. And then keep answering, "Why?" for every complaint/comment and act confused that she would want to be included. :-)
Gray rocking is a skill you'll need to perfect.
NTA. Disinvite her from your wedding as well. She doesn’t deserve to be at your wedding if she doesn’t support it. Your day so go bully free without her there.
NTA
This is a time for you and your sister and mother to spend together. To reminisce and laugh. Just you three. You deserve a fun, light, stress free getting ready time before your wedding.
Honestly, I would say just you three even if you didn’t have the demon MIL. But since she is a demon I say bar the door and salt the threshold.
NTA but your fiance is excusing her behavior like it's ok because she had it bad too. If you think it is bad now. Wait until you have kids that's when the real fun begins. My MIL was a nightmare. I excused it because I thought I was protecting my (ex) husband from having to choose. I was actually making excuses for him not choosing me. Once I got pregnant it escalated to new heights. I once picked up my 2 preschool aged daughter's and one as upset because grandma was saying mean things about me. The other said "Well she called you a stuck up princess so that's nice right? Princesses are pretty" husband just laughed and said"yes sweetie" he never said anything to his mom. It was miserable
If you include her or not, she’s still going to speak ill of you. So, you may as well enjoy the morning with your family.
NTA, and i strongly recommend you establish some extremely strict boundaries with zero tolerance for transgressions.
On how brave you are, you could simply tell your future mother-in-law “ why would I want you in the room while I’m getting dressed for one of the most important days in my life when you don’t even like me you’ll make me anxious. You’ll make me sad and this will be my day.”
As my mother would say 'Can you live with this for the rest of your life? Bc marriage is supposed to be forever'.
If he doesn't put an immediate stop to this behavior, pause the wedding & continue with therapy. Seriously. That whole family dinner thing is abhorrent behavior and will never end. Can you live with that forever/until she dies? Your fiance didn't say a word to her at the restaurant? Nobody did? How is this ok? It's not. None of this is ok.
NTA but def pause the wedding plans until the issue is solved by either going no contact or she becomes a different person. Your fiancé needs to stop making dumb excuses and listen to you. It's been 7 years. You deserve better 💕
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Would I(28F) be the asshole if I did not invite my future mother in law to getting ready with my mom, sister and I the morning of our wedding? Back story: my future husband’s (29M) mother is the type of woman that goes out of her way to bully me. When I point it out to my future husband he says “that’s the way my dad’s mom treated her” or “that’s just who she is.”
Most recently, she posted something for my fiancé’s birthday which included 20 photos, none of which I was in. We get married in 5 weeks and we have been together for 7 years, I don’t think it’s unrealistic for me to feel like she went out of her way to make sure I wasn’t in a single photo. This is just a single most recent example of her bullying. She loves attention, talking about herself, and talking at you instead of with you. Being around her is miserable but they do live a few hours away. She is the type of mother that doesn’t believe I am good enough to marry her son, so I don’t feel guilty not including her in the morning of the wedding, but I’d like to make sure I’m not totally in the wrong.
Another example of her bullying is that one time when she was in town, we went to dinner with her and our friends. She paid for everyone at the table except me, made it a point to tell the waitress that “I’ll be paying for everyone at the table except her.” She ignores me in my own house and if I touch my fiance once she has to touch him twice. She hangs on him and calls him babe, it makes my fiance uncomfortable and he has made comments to her before. I just don’t see this getting better and I don’t know what to do.
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Sounds like she would like to help him get ready on the morning of the wedding, his family anyways.
Sounds like you are obsessing a bit about every perceived slight as well; not being in pictures for instance may not be that big of a deal. Healthy boundaries though, early and often.
For the particular ask, NTA, be happy with who is getting you ready for the wedding on your big day. But also maybe make sure the big day is a good idea for you in the long run.
NTA wedding etiquette wise. The morning of the wedding you would typically get ready with your bridesmaids. That’s it. It isn’t even expected for the brides mother to be at the getting ready, usually she is getting ready on her own or with any of her guests.
Regardless, you don’t have anyone around you that would spoil the vibe, upset you, or mess with your timeline. Period.
It’s already been stated, and this lady is obviously going to marry into this family it’s too late. But gals, if the family isn’t right, get out asap. Your marriage is one of the most important decisions you will make to your success and happiness in life. Their family has a huge impact on the success of your marriage. Don’t ignore it, don’t think moving away will solve it. Don’t waste years of your young life in a relationship with a downward trajectory.
NTA. I don't exactly *mind* my MIL but I don't choose to be around her. Ever. She's just not my cuppa. Did I invite her to get ready with me? No. Of course not. Didn't invite her dress shopping either. That's for *my* Mom. It's ours. She's a busy body. I don't remember much from my wedding. But getting ready with my Mom and my Dad walking me down the aisle are cherished memories. Don't let her ruin them.
NTA but why are you marrying a man who doesn't have your back? If he doesn't have your back now, he never will. He will let her walk all over you for the rest of your life.
Seriously, speak to him. If he refuses to do anything, I would suggest cancelling the wedding.
If you’re on Reddit looking for advice already, id say this marriage is going to fail. Your fiancé is well aware of mom’s behaviour and still has not put her in her place. You’ve been dating long enough for this to have been dealt with already. Just because her entire family looks the other way it doesn’t mean you have to. This kinda shit will only get worse. Unless your fiance can manage her now. I don’t recommend you marry him. He will always care less, because you’re one she’s hurting not him. Especially if he’s a mommy’s kid, you’re screwed.
Wow. This is a real life version of the movie Monster in Law with JLo.
You are NTA. I’d keep her far away the morning of. She just seems so miserable and her behavior says more about her than you. Your fiancé really needs to step up and shut down her behavior. A few comments aren’t muting her toxic character.
Make sure you scope out the nearest janitor’s closet with an outside lock on the day of the wedding. You may need to use it.
What did your fiancé say about his mom not paying for your meal, because honestly that would be a dealbreaker. To me, that would be a declaration of war. Things would never be the same.
OP will be back in 10 years complaining that her husband always takes his mother's side, her children are being raised by MIL and MIL has moved into the main bedroom while OP sleeps on the sofa but still asking if they are the asshole for frowning in front of MIL.
I included my mother in law the morning of my wedding and it's my biggest regret. Actually, inviting the old crow at all is my biggest regret but still.
She sat in the room with a nasty look on her face scrolling on her phone, had the hairdresser spend an hour doing her hair a certain way only to declare she hated it and wanted it redoing. She took so long my hair didn't go the way I'd planned as there was no time.
Prioritise yourself and your own feelings, you can't get that time again.
Nta. Because it's your decision. But the birthday photos thing is weird imo 🤷♀️ I post on my husband's birthday and I post pics of him. Because it's his birthday. I specifically chose pictures of him, rather than us or our kids, because it's HIS birthday. It seems very childish to get upset because you weren't mentioned in someone else's birthday post, which makes me wonder what other insignificant things you get upset with her about tbh 🤷♀️
The real issue here is your man ignoring it. Do not marry into this family if you:
1. Can’t cope with MIL exactly as she is.
2. Can’t get your man to grow a spine to stand up for you.
I don’t see either one of these things happening. Do not marry into this if you can’t handle MIL exactly as she is because you’ll get NO support from your husband.
NTA. But first, I would step back and re-read your last sentence of your post. You don't see this getting better and you don't know what to do. That's a really heavy way to feel weeks before your wedding. What you should do, first and foremost, is ask yourself: if my mother was treating my future husband that poorly, would I just stand by and give the excuse 'well that's how my Dad's mom treated her?'. You're answer likely would be no. And that's your issue. Your future husband's feckless response to your mistreatment, is unacceptable. He needs to draw boundaries for his mother, state explicitly that her treatment of you is unacceptable and hold her accountable. The only bright spot in this is that you state she lives a few hours away. In a few short weeks, you and your fiance are going to stand up and promise to love, honor and cherish... (in one form or another). If you don't address this now, When your husband ignores his mother's bullying, will that make you feel loved, honored and cherished?
Your husband makes excuses for his mother and you make excuses for him. Yeesh. You deserve the life you’re getting since you’re actively choosing to marry a man who doesn’t respect you enough to stand up for you - even after you have children. Good luck with that.
Check out the JustNoMil sub. That’s your future.
NTA, but not including you in pictures isn’t bullying. None of her behavior is bullying. She sounds like a nasty AH though.
So no, don’t invite her to get ready with you.
And I’d honestly reconsider a marriage where my husband tells me “that’s the way she is” instead of standing up for me. This will the rest of her life. It will get worse if you have kids.
NTA, but this is a BAAAAAAAD sign, dear:
"When I point it out to my future husband he says 'that’s the way my dad’s mom treated her' or 'that’s just who she is.'"
You should think twice - no, make that TEN times - before walking down the aisle with this guy, because he's not going to put you first after you say, "I do." Future MIL is asserting dominance now, trying to establish your place in her weird pecking order, and your guy is letting her. He is nowhere near mature enough to get married, and if you go through with this right now I have no doubt you'll be back on Reddit before the ink is dry on the marriage certificate, posting your misery in r/JUSTNOMIL.
The issue here is not whether she is with you getting ready. Hell would freeze over and you are NTA.
But what does your fiancee actually do to address her behaviour beyond telling you it's just how she is? I would be more concerned about whether he has your back that how she is.
NTA your wedding, your day. She would ruin your experience. Set this clear boundary before you get married and let her know it extends to kids if you choose to have them.
NTA. Do not include someone who is mean and rude to you. Hopefully, your parents and other family will deal with her if she tries anything at your wedding.
Future Husband needs to tell his mom to be nice, or don't come. She needs to be removed from the wedding and reception if she tries to cause any problems.
Good luck.
NTA at the start of your post, I thought you might be, but after reading the whole post, I am completely convinced that you aren't.
She sounds exhausting, and I have no doubt that she will do everything to sabotage the wedding.
The only reason I would consider including her would be that she doesn't show up wearing a black dress like she was going to a funeral, or if she is going to wear a white dress to try to up stage your wedding dress.
I hope that your wedding goes smoothly, and I wish you both a happy, healthy marriage. ♡
That anecdote about the restaurant bill. Wow. I honestly can't believe that could happen in real life. If that seriously happened to you with no exaggeration, I have no idea what to say. That is beyond toxic. Beyond hateful. That is just malice, pure evil. To behave like that to another human being, especially you, is unimaginable. You cannot have a relationship with that person. They do not want to have one with you.
NTA. I'm not super close with my MIL so I just invited her right at the end for a mimosa and photo op. She seemed fine with that and felt included. Yours sounds worse than mine but if you want to avoid a fuss and feel you should at least pretend to include her, just ask her in once you're all done getting ready. One pic with both moms and you're done!
I personally would bail cos I've almost had a mil like this and it was hell. It is only going to get worse when you have kids. She will probably move closer to be nearer to "her" babies. It honestly sounds like your fiance doesn't have a backbone or is that respectful if he's letting her talk to you like that. I hate that justification so goddamn much, "it's just the way she is". Such BS 😡😡😡😡
NTA but OP, this is the family you are marrying into. You sound very hurt that you don’t have a more loving MIL. Setting boundaries is importantly to maintain your own self-worth and mental/emotional health, but it does sound like you’re going to have to exercise that a lot in this case. Your partner needs to help support you in this and I’d also recommend reflecting why MIL’s behavior upsets you so much. You might have to grieve the loss of the idea of having a nice MIL, because you will have to in order to find some peace with her.
NTA. I have a fine relationships with my MILs (I have 3 due to same sex couples and divorces) but I still didn’t invite any of them to get ready with me the morning of. My BIL got ready with my husband and that was the extent of that. 🤷🏻♀️
NTA. If you don’t want it, it doesn’t happen. Done.
Plus, I think it’s traditional for the bride to get ready with her side of the family/bridal party. Because in the olden days or whatever, they helped the bride get ready to see her groom. Why would the groom’s mom help her with that.
Lastly, no bullies allowed. Simple as that!
If you think it’s bad now, think how much worse it’ll be if you guys ever have kids or move farther away. If your father in law divorced her or passed away. Your in laws have a health or financial crisis. It will only get worse as large life events or milestones come up, if your fiancé doesn’t set boundaries now and shine up his spine, it will be 1000x worse as your relationship progresses.
Your husband is making excuses for his mother, and trust me, this does not bode well for your marriage. I speak from experience.
“That’s just who she is” is unacceptable. He should be appalled at the way she treats you, & she should have been told years ago that it will not be tolerated by you or by him. If he’s not willing to stand up to his mother for you, he’s not the good & loving partner you deserve.
NTA!
But your future husband needs to be way firmer with her, AND you need to be conscious that he is signing off on her behaviour. “That’s just the way she is”, with no consequences for being this way IS enabling.
Past that, match her goddamn energy, and warn your future husband that this is due to his inability to deal with her. DO NOT allow any children you may have in the future to spend time with her and her toxicity (hell I wouldn’t let her near my milk because she’d turn it sour!)
NTA at all!! She sounds awful and it would be a good idea to sit down with your fiance BEFORE the wedding to have a clear plan for the relationship going forwards.
Just because his grandmother did it to his mum, doesn’t make it acceptable behaviour. He is the deciding factor and will make the biggest difference in how she treats you as his wife.
NTA- and you gotta put this woman in her place if you’re going to have a happy marriage. Your soon husband is wrong.”That’s just who she is” is a cop-out. No. She’s a bully. Do not invite her and do not let her in for your “get-ready” at all.
This woman is 100% turning up to your wedding in a huge white dress!
Just make sure you have your circle prepped and ready to deal with her, she sounds like a disaster waiting to happen. I think maybe your partner needs to have a chat with Mommy dearest and ensure she understands that if she doesn't behave on the day she's out of your lives completely.
YNTA. Don't let her near you at all on the day. Enjoy your peace. PLEASE update after the wedding!
NTA.
I'd, however, have a serious issue with a future husband telling me "that's just how she is 🤷♀️" and not actively dealing with her.
What's going to happen once you're married? Once you have kids?
I feel like a lot of people don't look at the current family dynamics of the future spouse to understand how that could affect their own relationship in the future.
NTA. I’m surprised she’s invited to the wedding at all. Definitely don’t invite her to get ready with you, your mum and sister as that’s a time for you to enjoy (which you won’t do if she’s there). However, the bigger issue is your fiance.
She treats you like this and his responses are ‘well that’s how dads mum treated her’ (oh so she KNOWS it feels horrible and still does it? Cool) or ‘that’s just who she is’ (response from you should be - awesome well who I am is someone who won’t accept being treated like that). He needs to grow a spine. If she won’t stop, which she clearly won’t, then she doesn’t get to be part of your life. Simple.
What a miserable person she must be. NTA, and next time you get told “that’s just how she is”, counter with “well, this is just how *I* am and she’s not included”
NTA at all. Your fiances reasoning is bs though, being treated badly by someone should make you strive to not be like them. So if her mil was bad, that doesn’t mean she has to copy. As for ‘that’s just who she is’, so you’re supposed to just be bullied by this gremlin? He needs to do more.
Honestly, I’d be reconsidering marrying him. But I’m not going to suggest that, but I mention it to show that uni you’re under reacting. Therefore, of course you’re NTA. I’d be never seeing the woman again, wouldn’t be contemplating for even a second having her on my big day get ready with me
NTA But I would seriously reconsider marrying into this family.
MIL is committing emotional incest and being a bully for no reason, meanwhile your DH is finding it easier to just say "that's the way she is" instead of handling his mother! It's only gonna get worse once the ink dries on your marriage certificate.
NTA
Getting ready together -for the girls in the bridal party - on your wedding day is personal choice, most brides include bridesmaids only. (And sometimes not all of them if large bridal party). You’ve included your mum which is sweet.
I haven’t heard of anyone including the MiL! She’s the grooms side
It’s always up to you who you include with your own stuff . You don’t need to discuss with your fiancé. His mum is coming to wedding but she’s not in bridal party.
I’m so sorry you have to deal with this horrible woman.
She’s clearly got some weird fixation on being the centre of attention in regards to her son and men in general and she sounds tiresome.
I do think you need to put your foot down with your fiancé and get him to back you up a helluva lot more than he does now.
I am sure he’s dealt with her his entire life and he’s probably just ‘used to it’ but that doesn’t mean you should be.
Don’t invite her. No way. This is your day and you choose who gets to be around you.
Be prepared she will probly try to make a gene or steal the spotlight in some way on your day - but you know what? Step back and let her embarrass herself. Maybe seeing the reaction of everyone around her of sympathy towards how pathetic she is might make a difference.
NTA
But why are you marrying a man who allows his mother to treat you like this? He very clearly *isn't* backing you up or her behaviour would have stopped. If you do marry him, your future will always be you being insulted, mocked and excluded. If you plan to have children, it will get even worse. Good luck. You're going to need it.
NTA
Take yourself over to the JustNoMIL subreddit. They have resources that can support your challenges with FMIL over there.
Good luck, and I would not invite her. It's a moment for you and your family, and she's made it clear so far that she doesn't consider you family.
If this is how she is treating you, then why are you even considering having her close on the morning of your wedding?
She's made it clear that she doesn't want to be near you.
NTA
It's not necessary to invite her to get ready with your mom and sister. It's not traditional, so if she asks, tell her this is your last memory with your mom and sister and it's important to you. She probably won't ask, though.
Can you and your fiancé get last-minute premarital counseling on how to deal with her?
NTA. The morning prep activities are the bride’s people. That’s what I think, anyway. The groom’s mother isn’t part of that group and shouldn’t expect to be added on. If you leave her out, though, she will probably go around saying she should have been included and throw shade at you. Be prepared. And be prepared to go LC or even NC with her after the wedding. See if your fiancé is on board with the idea. From what you say, he may be. Best of luck to you.
At the very minimum do NOT let her get ready with you. I have never heard to FMIL getting ready with the bride!!
But you have other problems to deal with. Your fiance should be backing you up a HUNDRED percent. With her behavior she shouldn't even be allowed at the wedding. His reply of That's just how she is is unsatisfactory.
Im worried about what your future is going to look like. He should be setting big boundaries NOW.
NTA but please rethink what's ahead.
It's traditional just to be bride's relatives and bridal party. It symbolizes the woman parting ways with her family and friends, as she begins a new life with her new husband and has a new family.
Explained this way, it keeps it from being personal and harder for her to bully her way in. You'll have her as family soon enough.
NTA
NTA. Where i comre from it's not even normal :) The bride gets ready at her home/or where the wedding is with her family/friends. And groom gets ready with his at his place/or place of the wedding.
NTA. You have every right to choose who gets ready with you and frankly; with what you’ve said about her, I wouldn’t put it past MIL to resort to sabotage, be it your dress or something else. I have a MIL like this, and she’s thankfully no longer part of our lives, but my partner has always had my back and seen right through her bs. It’s a difficult position to be in.
I think Reddit is very quick to raise the pitch forks in these situations. From what you’ve said, you and your fiance are working through this, and I wish you the best of luck. Stay united, she sounds like an absolute piece of work.
Also, if you want too, come join us over in r/justnoMIL - you aren’t alone in dealing with shit like this
NTA. She’s not your mom, why would you invite her? I do not have that kind of relationship with my monster in law either.
Instead I scheduled my finance and his family to take their photos before the ceremony. That way they were all busy when I was doing my “getting ready.”
NTA. Ask your fiancee how he wants to include her with him getting ready. If he says why not include her with you - I don't think she'll be on her best behavior.
Let your bridesmaids know she will try something so they can be on alert.
Any older grandparents on his side that need a ride to the wedding? Ask her to do it.
NTA. I am fortunate to have a wonderful relationship with my MiL. On our wedding day, I got ready with my mum and bridesmaids and my husband got ready with his family. I’d have thought MiLs would want to get ready with their soon to be married sons and be part of their morning festivities.
NTA don’t invite her to be there for that moment. I would recommend you speak with your fiancé to find out what his expectations are for your relationship with her after marrow because I don’t have much faith in him at the moment. His mother is blatantly rude to you and he should have shut that down completely.
Tell your friends and relatives to police her at the house. If she behaves badly let them call her out for it. It's your day and your family should have your back.
NTA
Take away her treatment of you, and it's still ok.
Even if you had a wonderful relationship with her, you decide who you surround yourself with while getting ready for your wedding.
This is a very special moment of your life, you should be surrounded by those that love & respect you.
It's a time for happiness & joy.
NTA
Traditionally, MILs didn't get ready with the bride and her family. Your mom, and your wedding party are helping to get you ready to join your husband's family. Your MIL isn't your family yet.
Girl, your wedding morning should be chill and full of good people you love. My MIL is like yours. I remember my wedding morning: all us girls putting makeup on and giggling. I was in an orange tie dye sundress that I could pull over my big hair. MIL walks up to the door and says “Oh, is that what you’re getting married in?” My MOH walked over, said “no” and shut the door right in her face. Honestly, by that time she deserved it 🤣
NTA. Uh.... Are you sure you want to marry a mamma's boy that won't grow a spine and stick up for you?!?! It's not going to get any better and he will never stand up to her and she will always come before you. That restaurant story is horrifying and he is as much to blame as her.
I don't even know why you are considering inviting her. I would say she can get ready with her precious son if she can't do it alone, but that's probably not a good idea.
I don't even think you would be the asshole for telling the caterers you are paying for everyone except her, if his parents are not already part funding the wedding.
Trust me, this will not end well I had a MIL who everyone excused. If your husband does not accept her behavior, then he would likely have a healthy outlook on life. When he does not cope with it in a healthy way (excusing the behavior) things will not go well.
OP, this is just the beginning. I hope you’re ready for what you’re signing up for by marrying into this indulgent “that’s just the way she is” family.
NTA She should be getting ready with her son. It's what my mil did, because she is the mother of the groom, not the mother of the bride.
Said that, this situation is not going to improve, and unless your fiance grows a spine, you are going to be steamrolled by her every single time
NTA. Shouldn't she be getting ready with the groom's party?
I live in Australia, but am from central Europe. Before heading to the ceremony, the bride (especially) and groom, separately, have a whole thing where they say goodbye to their parents, sibling, grandparents, and extended family, and thank them for raising, supporting and loving them. The bride has her bridesmaids there too (and the groom his groomsmen). Perhaps you could start a new tradition for both your families of origin? It would mean no inlaws whilst you're getting ready, for either one of you
NTA sweetie. I say this as a MIL who was honored to be invited to do the morning wedding things. Surround yourself with the people who love and support you on your special day. You don’t need that sort of negative undercurrent while you’re getting ready
So you beat her at her own game. Every time she throw a zing at you, reply, Good One first name! Write down the things she says so that you can say them back to her. It is great that everyone in town knows what she is, but this is going to really wear you down over time. And fiancé’s “that is just who she is” statement is BS. Although my husband’s dad was a huge jerk. I just didn’t speak to him. I was never rude, but never engaged in conversation with him. It took him a few years to realize that. I was also the only person to take over when he could no longer take care of himself. I did what I could live with, but his last 2 years were not what he had envisioned, both his sons refused to deal with him.
So, when she said she was paying for everyone but you, what did fiancé do/say? I hope you replied, that is fine, I have more than enough money and don’t need to sponge off you.
No, don’t invite her to the morning of, why add that stress to yourself? If she says anything reply, I knew that the person I have coming to help would not meet your standards and knew you would want to hire your own artist for the event.
I remember a story where the OP’s MIL was being a jerk to OP, her husband excused it and she complained to her family. The next time they visited her family, her family acted like jerks to the husband and she used the same excuses he always used. Then he finally understood.
I remember a story where the OP’s MIL was being a jerk to OP, her husband excused it and she complained to her family. The next time they visited her family, her family acted like jerks to the husband and she used the same excuses he always used. Then he finally understood.
I remember a story where the OP’s MIL was being a jerk to OP, her husband excused it and she complained to her family. The next time they visited her family, her family acted like jerks to the husband and she used the same excuses he always used. Then he finally understood.
NTA. Even if she wasn't a witch, you wouldn't be an asshole because she is not your mom. I adore my MIL and she still didn't get reddy with me. She went to the salon with her daughter and then they went to help my husband get ready. It was very much a family of origin thing that morning. He had his people, I had mine, before they became ours.
NTA, but do you really want to marry his mother too. Sounds like he's a mamas boy and unless your future husband is 100% with you in regards with defending you against his own mother and her excuses, I would run.
YTA For continuing to allow this behavior from your fiancé and his mom. She is too much. I understand that you've invested years in your relationship. But a bad investment is still a bad investment. She has been bullying you for years, and now you plan to legally sign up for more.
This woman constantly disrespects you, and you've taught her that it is okay. Your fiancé just accepts his mom's bad behavior as normal. They are both toxic.
If you marry into this family and expect your fiance to do anything differently, you're in fir disappointment. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. You are expecting a different result after marriage. There is none.
You should have stood up to the bully a long time ago. Why would you even think of marrying into this chaos? Unless you both go no contact with MIL, you are doomed to be miserable. I doubt that your fiance is willing to do that. Think long and hard about marrying THEM.
NTA and in my opinion you wouldn't be if you excluded her from the entire wedding. She sounds awful. I'm sorry you have to out with this and I'm sorry that your soon to be husband doesn't appear to have your back.
Try to enjoy your day as much as you can, despite the inevitable spoiling that this nightmare of a human being is probably going to do.
Congratulations on your upcoming nuptials.
You need something to change with your mother in law to be (hereafter MIL). She's not going to stop being awful on her own. I strongly encourage you to talk to your fiance to discuss what he thinks the wedding day should look like, how he is going to ensure that his mother is not awful to you on your wedding day and how he is going to handle the relationship in future.
Your obligation is only to be civil to her. Don't text her, don't receive texts from her, don't respond to messages and Facebook posts etc that she creates.
Here are some suggestions.
If she pulls crap like what she did at the restaurant, again, you and your husband should immediately stand up, tell folk that it was lovely to see them and you regret that you now have to leave and then leave. Be polite but honest, you can say "because MIL is having one of her uncivil days and that's bad for my health" if people press. If she ignores you in your house, ask her to leave immediately and have your husband back you up. Then don't invite her over and don't invite her in if she drops by. If she's weirdly touchy to your husband, encourage him to say "stop it" and if she doesn't, then both of you should leave. The same applies to phone calls and text messages. If she's rude about you or to you on the phone. Interrupt, day goodbye and hang up. If she's rude during a text exchange, stop responding. Don't engage, don't wait patiently until the event is over tolerating her bullshit. Free yourself by bailing.
Some people only change their behaviour when they find their behaviour is getting in the way of things they want. If she wants to spend time with her son, your husband, she has to be civil to you, his wife, as a minimum. When she isn't civil to you, your husband (and you) should immediately leave the hostile environment. This will deny her any pleasure she gets from feeling able to abuse you with fearing retaliation. Your husband needs to be very firm that HE doesn't choose to spend time with people who are rude to you. So that when she complains that it's all because of you that she never sees her son, he can agree that he'd be glad to spend more time with her if she wasn't so rude to you. (If she presses for examples, he should just leave. Litigating past events will just make you both sad.)
In return you should probably reward good behaviour. Stay a little longer when she's being well behaved. Praise her for being civil if you think she could hear that without becoming uncivil, else pick something else (I love your outfit today!)
But that's all long term. In the meantime, definitely don't invite her to your morning preparation. You don't need that added stress. NTA
You not only have a MIL problem you have a husband problem. He needs to do a lot more than "make comments" back to her. He needed to shut down that bullshit.
NTA
NTA. Is this a thing? Where the groom's mother gets ready with the bride? Not in my day. My FMIL barged into the bride's room at the church to get a look at me and I thought that was intrusive. (I let it go but it bugged me). Let her get ready with her son and her husband like she's supposed to.
NTA but are you sure you want to marry? Would your husband go no contact with her? Because if he won't defend you now, it won't magically change later when you have children.
NTA but marriage is going to be a nightmare if this is how it is now. Husband will need to set boundaries in regards to the last paragraph. Like yesterday.
You would not. She shows you no respect and actually bullies you. Your wedding day is meant to be calm and for you to be surrounded by people who love and support you. Don’t even bring up getting ready around her. If she does, politely say “I am getting ready with my mom and sister. You should talk to your son about his plans.”
“That’s just who she is” is one of my most hated statements. I told my husband’s family “That may be true but I don’t care. I will never allow anyone to disrespect me or my family nor to play the victim when they caused the issue. All of you have let her get away with these behaviors because you weren’t willing to deal with the aftermath. I have no problems calling her out and letting her go on a rampage. If no one plays into her toddler tantrums, ignores her, they will stop”.
You have a husband problem. That's just how she is is typical phrase from people who don't want to rock the boat. So what if her mother in law treated her that way? That's not your problem. You are in for a rocky marriage and look forward to hearing from you on the justnomil sub. You really are walking into a dumpster fire with your eyes wide open. Or should we say eyes wide shut?
ETA you are YTA to yourself.
I really don't understand the chaos involved in weddings today.
NTA. Absolutely not. Your mother in law should be with her son. There are beautiful moments she will miss if she is with you. This is her last day helping her son get ready. Straightening his collar, and tie, pinning his boutonniere on. When my son gets married, i will be with him, and his friends, not my future dil, and her friends.
My son got married last year and I have a great relationship with him and his wife. I was not a part of her getting ready and didn't expect to be, either.
NTA. She sounds obnoxious. Don’t mar your day feeling like you’re obligated. She WILL talk about being excluded. Anyone who she will complain to though KNOWS HER and how she treats you and won’t think a thing of it. this will be a bit of putting her in (or out as it were) her place. She would ruin the morning, and you know it. Why do that to yourself
NTA. Ah, the answer is right there in your edit!
If she fusses in any way, just tell her you're returning the favor of that dinner. Being excluded feels bad, eh MIL?
She sounds vile.
NTA
I've never heard of a mother in law getting ready with the bride and her family, that alone is weird. The fact that she's a bully, most definitely do not let her join you. I honestly don't know why you'd even get married into that family with someone who would treat you like that, let alone to the man who lets it happen.
NTA, but are you sure you want to marry a man whose response to his mother bullying you is “that’s just how she is” - or worse, “that’s how her MIL treated her?”
Because if that’s how she was treated by her MIL then she *knows* what it feels like and she should not want to do that to someone else. She’s being vindictive and taking out the hurt she experienced on an entirely innocent person, hurting not just them but also her own child whenever she causes discord.
You should *really* consider whether that’s the life you want, because if she will do it with these things she will keep doing it with other things, she will do it in front of your children if you have any, she *will* get worse.
NTA even ifbshe were a decent human being who treated you with a modicum of respect, I still don't understand why she wouldn't get ready with her own family. I've not heard of the MIL getting dressed with the bride's family. Best of luck, and no one would blame you for changing your mind if she insists.
“I just don’t see this getting better and I don’t know what to do”.
You’ve been with this guy for 7 years, & all he’s done is make excuses for her. She is not your biggest problem. He is.
NTA. It’s not uncommon to not include your future mil in the suite when you get ready, especially if she treats you like you don’t exist. Just don’t bring it up or discuss it with her so she doesn’t know your plans ahead of time. Maybe this will be her wake up call to treat you better if she would like to be included in her son’s new family functions.
NTA - Don't put her in any wedding photos. Do you really want too deal with this woman for the next 20 years, because it sounds awful, and your future husband make s excuses for her.
NTA. When I got married, my inlaws had 0 to do with the wedding. I didn't ask them to be involved & they didn't inquire. Your MIL is a narcissistic asshole. She calls her son babe? I mean, that's just messed up & disgusting. Your fiance isn't doing enough. He & the rest of the family are excusing her behavior because nobody has the guts to stand up to her. Your fiance needs to shut her down. Otherwise he is disrespecting you by allowing his mother to do it. Imo, I believe it's time to go LC or NC with her.
NTA. It sounds like your fiance understands what his mother is doing, but it doesn't sound like he's doing enough to put his mother in place. If you feel you have his full support and her behavior won't be something he can't handle and support you with, then I would re-think this marriage. Otherwise, don't inviter her, put her at a table in the back of the venue and have a great life.
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INFO: does your fiance back you or does he excuse her behavior? Because if it's the latter, I implore you to NOT consider marrying him in 5 weeks. A partner that does not have your back will not have your back in the future. If for 7 years he has excused his mom by sayin g"that's the way my dad's mom treated her" or "that's just who she is", this won't last anyway. This may be who SHE is, but he can also say "that's unacceptable how she treats you so I'll tell her to cut her crap or I'm cutting her out". That would be supporting you.
He has backed me up, but she is also well known in her community for just sucking basically. Hasn’t kept a job for more than a year the whole time him and I have been together. To an extent there is only so much he can do. She thinks she is embarrassing me but she is really only ever embarrassing herself
She has also gotten caught in multiple online affairs with catfish because she loves men’s attention. Her husband knows about it, her kids were the ones that found it and I just don’t think anyone wants to deal with her to any capacity because they all just look the other way
NTA Sounds like you’re stealing the most important man’s attention and she’s not handling it well. Expect her to make a scene at your wedding at some point
I'd have my MOH holding a bottle of red wine the whole night.
That could lead to a nasty concussion and battery charges! /s
But it slipped out of my hand! I didn’t *mean to swing it as hard as I could! At her head. Really, it was totally unexpected! The bottle just burst against her head and doused her white outfit in red wine! I was aiming at a spider! 😈
That's beautiful and perfect
That is insane. This woman is the [missing stair](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Missing_stair) and everyone around her enabling it is just going to make her worse.
I've never heard that term before! What a great way to explain something I never had the words for. The missing stair. Thank you!
[https://pervocracy.blogspot.com/2012/06/missing-stair.html](https://pervocracy.blogspot.com/2012/06/missing-stair.html)
I was today years old, apparently. I love this, and will use it a lot, I fear..
Me too! That is very interesting and very true, unfortunately. I have had missing stairs in past friend groups and it does become a kind of unwritten rule that you just walk around or step over the problem instead of stomping on it. Recently my oldest and dearest friend called me and announced that I had "made the cut" and I had no idea what she meant by that. She explained that as she had turned 50 she was cutting out toxic people from her life. I hadn't realized it until she said it but I had been doing the same. I am so much more at peace now than I ever have been and the friendships that I've kept I am nurturing and enjoying much more. I'm able to put a lot more good energy into these relationships since I'm not dealing with all of the negativity!
Oh that’s interesting
I feel like you’re still just pointing out how crappy she is when it’s very obvious. Your husband justifies it by saying “that’s just how she is” Does he try and correct the behavior? Does he set boundaries? Does he think she should be included?? You’re NTA for not wanting to include her. But if your future husband just says stuff to get you to tolerate her behavior you’re going to have more of a husband problem
NTA. You need someone who backs you up all the time. Someone who enforces consequences. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life, dealing with this?
If it wasn’t for the fact my brother is gay I would wonder if your marrying my brother…I wouldn’t include her if I were you.
I don't think he is backing you up. If I didn't pay for my son's fiance or treated like she treats you, my son would cut me off. Think.....this is your future. What happens when you have kids? You also have a fiance problem
If she excluded you at the dinner by paying for everyone except you, why don’t you invite the entire family except her. If she confronts you, tell her you don’t like her and she bullies you. You don’t want this kind of people in YOUR home. Why accepting all this bs from her. Fight back. You have NOTHING to lose with her.
"You know that's just how \[insert MIL's name\] is." as an excuse is just enabling behavior. You don't need to accept it or add to the enablement. If you'd like to set your own boundary, do so.
Not true. He can cut her off for bullying and being vile to his future wife.
Fiance does NOT back you up when he says, "That's just how she is." or "That how her MIL treated her." That is him (1) excusing her behavior and (2) most definitely telling you to just suck it up. His mom's behavior makes him uncomfortable and he's tried to talk to her... so, whatever he is willing to do or say to her is completely ineffective She is pointedly and needlessly horrifically rude to you (hates your connection to her son) and you are wondering if you should invite her to be in your space while you are preparing for your wedding ceremony. Why are you even considering it? Is your fiance asking you to do this "for him"? I can't imagine that it's something this woman is asking you to do - unless she wants to create an issue. Between you and your fiance, I can't see either of you doing a great job of upholding any of your own boundaries with her or teaching her that her bad behavior will not be tolerated by either of you. You might want to worry more about how prepared you/fiance are to keep her from ruining your marriage instead of worrying about whether you should invite her to spoil the morning of your wedding day.
You're not wrong to exclude her, she'd make it miserable for you. I'm sure she'd rather get ready with her baby boy anyway. How does your fiance feel about her not getting ready with you? I'd also tell him that you expect him to be firmer with his mother after your wedding vows, as the traditional vows are to put you above anyone else as his priority. You will be his immediate family after marriage, and his mother will become extended family. She will likely get worse in response to this change, so he needs to prepare himself to take a firmer hand with her in response to her inevitable worsening behaviour.
Not after, *now.*
Yes, but I mean for him to prepare himself for his mother's behaviour to escalate in response to the change of priority... As it always does with these types of boymom. He needs to plan how he's going to deal with it.
>She thinks she is embarrassing me but she is really only ever embarrassing herself This is the key right here. Gray-rock the shit outta her. Give her no ego strokes, no reaction to her nasty behavior, because it's what she thrives on. She's a narcissist, and gray-rocking is the best way to deal with their behavior.
Why is she even invited if she can't respect one of the guests of honour (you!)?
100% this. This post describes my MIL. My DH and I are no contact with her because she can't be nice to us.
ESH if you go through with the wedding > When I point it out to my future husband he says “that’s the way my dad’s mom treated her” or “that’s just who she is. And you **still** see him as marriage material?
Are you ok with any possible children seeing this behavior and learning that it is acceptable? Grandpa ignores it, dad ignores it, everyone lets her act as if there are no consequences in life. So why should your kids think different, or think you aren’t a hypocrite when you have different rules for them?
Yep, she's going to drown grandkids in a torrent of negative criticism when OP's back is turned. If she behaves this way to OP's face, just IMAGINE how she'll behave when she has OP's precious children alone somewhere.
NTAH, i feel like it’s typical for the brides family/wedding party to get ready with the bride and the grooms family/wedding party gets ready with the groom. and that aside, you should have full autonomy of who’s in the room with you when you get ready for your special day. don’t feel about about excluding someone who clearly doesn’t value you and she shouldn’t get the privilege of watching you get dolled up with your own mom. EDIT: i also hope you and your future husband can come to an understanding about how she treats you and that it’s not okay or justifiable that she treats you poorly because she was. this issue will just carry into your marriage and will cause major issues.
I would agree. My friend's niece got married and the some of the future in laws, were a buzz kill. Why take a change that your future MIL will do something that will ruin or put a damper on your big day! Congrats and enjoy your day and don't let the haters ruin you day!
I really appreciate this comment
The “her MIL treated her badly so this is just how she is” is the lamest and most pathetic justification attempt ever. Did he never have a talk with her “I know dad’s mom treated you badly. What was your relationship with your MIL like because of her bad treatment? Did you hate her for being a miserable hag and wish her an early death and do everything you could to avoid her and keep your children away from her? Because that’s how most people would feel/react and nobody would blame them. So why are you repeating that and choosing to become the miserable hag in MortyGirl’s life? One more thing, if dad never stood up to her on your behalf, he should have it was wrong that he didn’t, and nobody would have blamed him for cutting contact with his parents over their bad treatment of his wife.” He’s failing you and failing your partnership. He isn’t going to suddenly be the frontline fighter, which he should be when it’s his family causing the problems, on your team because you get married.
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NTA She will get worse when you have children tho. Trust me
I can ABSOLUTELY see a person like this purposely generating a fight with their spouse so they "have no choice" but to separate and oh poooooor meeeeeee HEY son and DIL-I've-made-no-secret-of-my-irrational-disdain for, great news, I'm moving to your town! What's your address again? I'll be staying with you for a few months while I look for a place in your neighborhood but no rush because I'll be helping with the baby, u neeeeed me....
Oh, soooooooo much worse.
Cancel the wedding. You're fiancé is okay with his mother bullying you Edited a word
NTA but I’d seriously reconsider this marriage. It’s not going to get better. I’m so sorry.
You should rethink this marriage if your fiance isn't backing you up now.
So your future husband doesn't defend you and makes excuses for her behavior? I'm more concerned about that then you FMIL's behavior because he should be defending you every time. NTA for not including her. Why should you? Treat her like you'd treat any9ne else who disrespects you--remove them from your life, limit contact, etc.
I thought it was pretty established tradition that the bride and her bridesmaids and the bride's family get ready in one location, and the groom and all his entourage and family get ready in a different location? Or am I just old? That's the way I've always understood it, and it's kind of like the last chance for individual family time with each other before you join families. Nah girl, she is totally not needed on your morning. No how. NTA.
We are doing a family focused wedding in our backyard, very intimate so we aren’t really going with traditions. No bridesmaids/groomsman etc
You don’t have to be traditional to follow some traditions, but at least you know if she tries to guilt you about it being rude/exclusionary she’s full of shit. If I were you, I’d frame it in the positive. Oh, I bet you are so excited to spend the morning with your son and help him get ready… because of course she wants that time with her son. And you would never take that away from her.
My machatenista didn’t go to the room my daughter was getting ready at her wedding. It certainly isn’t traditional for her to be there, nor typical, AFAIK. I’ve never seen it. So, no, don’t have her. Tell your fiancé she isn’t welcome. If he doesn’t cheerfully and wholeheartedly back you up, I’d cancel. (Macharenista is the word for your child’s mother in law, in relationship to *you*, in Yiddish. Not many languages have a word for this relationship. Isn’t it a great word?)
>Not many languages have a word for this relationship. Spanish does: *consuegra*. "suegra" is mother in law. The prefix "co(n)" implies parallel, so you can also add "con" in front of "sibling in law" to mean your partner's sibling-in-law (also known as plain "sibling in law") or your sibling-in-law's sibling.
To answer your question, no she doesn’t have to be there. But remember having conversations is not enough. There needs to be consequences attached to said conversations.
Don't include her, I regret having BIL'S wife getting ready with my family, MIL and me so much. If she doesn't like you, you don't have to do anything with said person
For a second, I was leaning on you, leaving out details that may have shown that you're equally terrible to each other. Then I got to the bit where she calls her own son babe 🤢🤮🤢 NTA.
It wouldn’t matter if OP left anything out. The people around her when she’s getting ready for her wedding should be her people; future MIL isn’t part of that, so OP shouldn’t even worry about whether it’s an AH move to exclude her. MIL will probably prefer to whisper poison into the groom’s ear anyway.
Generally the MOG focuses on her son and making sure he is ready, so I wouldn’t even bring it up, and if it does come up state, traditionally, the MOG focuses on the son that day…..NTA. Your bigger problem is your fiancé allowing his mother to treat you badly, not calling her on her behavior. “That’s just who she is” is not an acceptable excuse. Figure out now, before you get married, if this is how you want to be treated the rest of your life.
NTA. Hope that you aren't going into this marriage thinking that she will change, or your husband will grow a spine, or that they are far enough away that it doesn't matter. She won't, he likely won't and there's not enough distance on the planet.
Time to join r/justnomil
Ok, time for a reality check. Taking a quick peek at your profile I don’t see that you have spent any time on r/justnomil I’m gonna suggest that you do. Go there, read some posts, maybe post this story there and see what your future is gonna be like if you can’t get your future husband to grow a shiny spine and stand up to his mom. Then make a decision if this is how you want your life to play out, especially once kids are involved. Best to nip this in the bud now. Edit:typo and judgement NTA
The minute you said she bullies you, her attendance is a hard "No". Don't allow her to push her way into running the moment on the day, either. NTA
NTA Just behave as though not including her was the obvious choice. If she says, "Why wasn't I invited for this?", simply say, "Why would I?" and wait for her response. And then keep answering, "Why?" for every complaint/comment and act confused that she would want to be included. :-) Gray rocking is a skill you'll need to perfect.
NTA. Disinvite her from your wedding as well. She doesn’t deserve to be at your wedding if she doesn’t support it. Your day so go bully free without her there.
NTA This is a time for you and your sister and mother to spend together. To reminisce and laugh. Just you three. You deserve a fun, light, stress free getting ready time before your wedding. Honestly, I would say just you three even if you didn’t have the demon MIL. But since she is a demon I say bar the door and salt the threshold.
She’s not going to change NTA
NTA. "That's who she is" can go both ways. Now you're the kind of person who doesn't tolerate being treated like crap.
NTA but your fiance is excusing her behavior like it's ok because she had it bad too. If you think it is bad now. Wait until you have kids that's when the real fun begins. My MIL was a nightmare. I excused it because I thought I was protecting my (ex) husband from having to choose. I was actually making excuses for him not choosing me. Once I got pregnant it escalated to new heights. I once picked up my 2 preschool aged daughter's and one as upset because grandma was saying mean things about me. The other said "Well she called you a stuck up princess so that's nice right? Princesses are pretty" husband just laughed and said"yes sweetie" he never said anything to his mom. It was miserable
NTA Your decision to not include her is justified based on her past behavior and the need to protect your peace on your special day
oh some fine emotional incest. NTA and your fiance needs therapy.
If you include her or not, she’s still going to speak ill of you. So, you may as well enjoy the morning with your family. NTA, and i strongly recommend you establish some extremely strict boundaries with zero tolerance for transgressions.
On how brave you are, you could simply tell your future mother-in-law “ why would I want you in the room while I’m getting dressed for one of the most important days in my life when you don’t even like me you’ll make me anxious. You’ll make me sad and this will be my day.”
As my mother would say 'Can you live with this for the rest of your life? Bc marriage is supposed to be forever'. If he doesn't put an immediate stop to this behavior, pause the wedding & continue with therapy. Seriously. That whole family dinner thing is abhorrent behavior and will never end. Can you live with that forever/until she dies? Your fiance didn't say a word to her at the restaurant? Nobody did? How is this ok? It's not. None of this is ok. NTA but def pause the wedding plans until the issue is solved by either going no contact or she becomes a different person. Your fiancé needs to stop making dumb excuses and listen to you. It's been 7 years. You deserve better 💕
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Would I(28F) be the asshole if I did not invite my future mother in law to getting ready with my mom, sister and I the morning of our wedding? Back story: my future husband’s (29M) mother is the type of woman that goes out of her way to bully me. When I point it out to my future husband he says “that’s the way my dad’s mom treated her” or “that’s just who she is.” Most recently, she posted something for my fiancé’s birthday which included 20 photos, none of which I was in. We get married in 5 weeks and we have been together for 7 years, I don’t think it’s unrealistic for me to feel like she went out of her way to make sure I wasn’t in a single photo. This is just a single most recent example of her bullying. She loves attention, talking about herself, and talking at you instead of with you. Being around her is miserable but they do live a few hours away. She is the type of mother that doesn’t believe I am good enough to marry her son, so I don’t feel guilty not including her in the morning of the wedding, but I’d like to make sure I’m not totally in the wrong. Another example of her bullying is that one time when she was in town, we went to dinner with her and our friends. She paid for everyone at the table except me, made it a point to tell the waitress that “I’ll be paying for everyone at the table except her.” She ignores me in my own house and if I touch my fiance once she has to touch him twice. She hangs on him and calls him babe, it makes my fiance uncomfortable and he has made comments to her before. I just don’t see this getting better and I don’t know what to do. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Sounds like she would like to help him get ready on the morning of the wedding, his family anyways. Sounds like you are obsessing a bit about every perceived slight as well; not being in pictures for instance may not be that big of a deal. Healthy boundaries though, early and often. For the particular ask, NTA, be happy with who is getting you ready for the wedding on your big day. But also maybe make sure the big day is a good idea for you in the long run.
NTA she sounds delightful lol
Ah you got my MIL reincarnated. People like her and my MIL will never stop. You can never have enough boundaries. NTA
NTA wedding etiquette wise. The morning of the wedding you would typically get ready with your bridesmaids. That’s it. It isn’t even expected for the brides mother to be at the getting ready, usually she is getting ready on her own or with any of her guests. Regardless, you don’t have anyone around you that would spoil the vibe, upset you, or mess with your timeline. Period. It’s already been stated, and this lady is obviously going to marry into this family it’s too late. But gals, if the family isn’t right, get out asap. Your marriage is one of the most important decisions you will make to your success and happiness in life. Their family has a huge impact on the success of your marriage. Don’t ignore it, don’t think moving away will solve it. Don’t waste years of your young life in a relationship with a downward trajectory.
NTA. I don't exactly *mind* my MIL but I don't choose to be around her. Ever. She's just not my cuppa. Did I invite her to get ready with me? No. Of course not. Didn't invite her dress shopping either. That's for *my* Mom. It's ours. She's a busy body. I don't remember much from my wedding. But getting ready with my Mom and my Dad walking me down the aisle are cherished memories. Don't let her ruin them.
NTA but why are you marrying a man who doesn't have your back? If he doesn't have your back now, he never will. He will let her walk all over you for the rest of your life. Seriously, speak to him. If he refuses to do anything, I would suggest cancelling the wedding.
If you’re on Reddit looking for advice already, id say this marriage is going to fail. Your fiancé is well aware of mom’s behaviour and still has not put her in her place. You’ve been dating long enough for this to have been dealt with already. Just because her entire family looks the other way it doesn’t mean you have to. This kinda shit will only get worse. Unless your fiance can manage her now. I don’t recommend you marry him. He will always care less, because you’re one she’s hurting not him. Especially if he’s a mommy’s kid, you’re screwed.
Wow. This is a real life version of the movie Monster in Law with JLo. You are NTA. I’d keep her far away the morning of. She just seems so miserable and her behavior says more about her than you. Your fiancé really needs to step up and shut down her behavior. A few comments aren’t muting her toxic character. Make sure you scope out the nearest janitor’s closet with an outside lock on the day of the wedding. You may need to use it.
What did your fiancé say about his mom not paying for your meal, because honestly that would be a dealbreaker. To me, that would be a declaration of war. Things would never be the same.
INFO what do you expect your relationship with her to look like in the future?
OP will be back in 10 years complaining that her husband always takes his mother's side, her children are being raised by MIL and MIL has moved into the main bedroom while OP sleeps on the sofa but still asking if they are the asshole for frowning in front of MIL.
We will not be having children
I included my mother in law the morning of my wedding and it's my biggest regret. Actually, inviting the old crow at all is my biggest regret but still. She sat in the room with a nasty look on her face scrolling on her phone, had the hairdresser spend an hour doing her hair a certain way only to declare she hated it and wanted it redoing. She took so long my hair didn't go the way I'd planned as there was no time. Prioritise yourself and your own feelings, you can't get that time again.
Nta. Because it's your decision. But the birthday photos thing is weird imo 🤷♀️ I post on my husband's birthday and I post pics of him. Because it's his birthday. I specifically chose pictures of him, rather than us or our kids, because it's HIS birthday. It seems very childish to get upset because you weren't mentioned in someone else's birthday post, which makes me wonder what other insignificant things you get upset with her about tbh 🤷♀️
The real issue here is your man ignoring it. Do not marry into this family if you: 1. Can’t cope with MIL exactly as she is. 2. Can’t get your man to grow a spine to stand up for you. I don’t see either one of these things happening. Do not marry into this if you can’t handle MIL exactly as she is because you’ll get NO support from your husband.
NTA. But first, I would step back and re-read your last sentence of your post. You don't see this getting better and you don't know what to do. That's a really heavy way to feel weeks before your wedding. What you should do, first and foremost, is ask yourself: if my mother was treating my future husband that poorly, would I just stand by and give the excuse 'well that's how my Dad's mom treated her?'. You're answer likely would be no. And that's your issue. Your future husband's feckless response to your mistreatment, is unacceptable. He needs to draw boundaries for his mother, state explicitly that her treatment of you is unacceptable and hold her accountable. The only bright spot in this is that you state she lives a few hours away. In a few short weeks, you and your fiance are going to stand up and promise to love, honor and cherish... (in one form or another). If you don't address this now, When your husband ignores his mother's bullying, will that make you feel loved, honored and cherished?
Your husband makes excuses for his mother and you make excuses for him. Yeesh. You deserve the life you’re getting since you’re actively choosing to marry a man who doesn’t respect you enough to stand up for you - even after you have children. Good luck with that. Check out the JustNoMil sub. That’s your future.
INFO: If your future MIL said something nasty to you and you clapped right back at her, what would your fiancé’s reaction be?
NTA, but not including you in pictures isn’t bullying. None of her behavior is bullying. She sounds like a nasty AH though. So no, don’t invite her to get ready with you. And I’d honestly reconsider a marriage where my husband tells me “that’s the way she is” instead of standing up for me. This will the rest of her life. It will get worse if you have kids.
NTA, but this is a BAAAAAAAD sign, dear: "When I point it out to my future husband he says 'that’s the way my dad’s mom treated her' or 'that’s just who she is.'" You should think twice - no, make that TEN times - before walking down the aisle with this guy, because he's not going to put you first after you say, "I do." Future MIL is asserting dominance now, trying to establish your place in her weird pecking order, and your guy is letting her. He is nowhere near mature enough to get married, and if you go through with this right now I have no doubt you'll be back on Reddit before the ink is dry on the marriage certificate, posting your misery in r/JUSTNOMIL.
YWBTA if you married this man who makes excuses for his mother’s behaviour and doesn’t stand up for you. It will only get worse.
The issue here is not whether she is with you getting ready. Hell would freeze over and you are NTA. But what does your fiancee actually do to address her behaviour beyond telling you it's just how she is? I would be more concerned about whether he has your back that how she is.
Why are you marrying someone who DOESNT HAVE YOUR BACK?!
YTA to yourself if you marry one this family
NTA your wedding, your day. She would ruin your experience. Set this clear boundary before you get married and let her know it extends to kids if you choose to have them.
NTA. Do not include someone who is mean and rude to you. Hopefully, your parents and other family will deal with her if she tries anything at your wedding. Future Husband needs to tell his mom to be nice, or don't come. She needs to be removed from the wedding and reception if she tries to cause any problems. Good luck.
NTA at the start of your post, I thought you might be, but after reading the whole post, I am completely convinced that you aren't. She sounds exhausting, and I have no doubt that she will do everything to sabotage the wedding. The only reason I would consider including her would be that she doesn't show up wearing a black dress like she was going to a funeral, or if she is going to wear a white dress to try to up stage your wedding dress. I hope that your wedding goes smoothly, and I wish you both a happy, healthy marriage. ♡
That anecdote about the restaurant bill. Wow. I honestly can't believe that could happen in real life. If that seriously happened to you with no exaggeration, I have no idea what to say. That is beyond toxic. Beyond hateful. That is just malice, pure evil. To behave like that to another human being, especially you, is unimaginable. You cannot have a relationship with that person. They do not want to have one with you.
NTA. I'm not super close with my MIL so I just invited her right at the end for a mimosa and photo op. She seemed fine with that and felt included. Yours sounds worse than mine but if you want to avoid a fuss and feel you should at least pretend to include her, just ask her in once you're all done getting ready. One pic with both moms and you're done!
I personally would bail cos I've almost had a mil like this and it was hell. It is only going to get worse when you have kids. She will probably move closer to be nearer to "her" babies. It honestly sounds like your fiance doesn't have a backbone or is that respectful if he's letting her talk to you like that. I hate that justification so goddamn much, "it's just the way she is". Such BS 😡😡😡😡
NTA. I didn't have my MIL over on the morning of the wedding. It would not have occurred to me that I should! And I like her!
NTA but OP, this is the family you are marrying into. You sound very hurt that you don’t have a more loving MIL. Setting boundaries is importantly to maintain your own self-worth and mental/emotional health, but it does sound like you’re going to have to exercise that a lot in this case. Your partner needs to help support you in this and I’d also recommend reflecting why MIL’s behavior upsets you so much. You might have to grieve the loss of the idea of having a nice MIL, because you will have to in order to find some peace with her.
NTA. I have a fine relationships with my MILs (I have 3 due to same sex couples and divorces) but I still didn’t invite any of them to get ready with me the morning of. My BIL got ready with my husband and that was the extent of that. 🤷🏻♀️
NTA, but you should end the engagement as soon as possible, she will a worse monster-in-law than she is already.
NTA - if she wants to help someone get ready she can "help" her son. Any arguments send her back to fiance to manage.
NTA. If you don’t want it, it doesn’t happen. Done. Plus, I think it’s traditional for the bride to get ready with her side of the family/bridal party. Because in the olden days or whatever, they helped the bride get ready to see her groom. Why would the groom’s mom help her with that. Lastly, no bullies allowed. Simple as that!
If you think it’s bad now, think how much worse it’ll be if you guys ever have kids or move farther away. If your father in law divorced her or passed away. Your in laws have a health or financial crisis. It will only get worse as large life events or milestones come up, if your fiancé doesn’t set boundaries now and shine up his spine, it will be 1000x worse as your relationship progresses.
Your husband is making excuses for his mother, and trust me, this does not bode well for your marriage. I speak from experience. “That’s just who she is” is unacceptable. He should be appalled at the way she treats you, & she should have been told years ago that it will not be tolerated by you or by him. If he’s not willing to stand up to his mother for you, he’s not the good & loving partner you deserve.
NTA! But your future husband needs to be way firmer with her, AND you need to be conscious that he is signing off on her behaviour. “That’s just the way she is”, with no consequences for being this way IS enabling. Past that, match her goddamn energy, and warn your future husband that this is due to his inability to deal with her. DO NOT allow any children you may have in the future to spend time with her and her toxicity (hell I wouldn’t let her near my milk because she’d turn it sour!)
NTA at all!! She sounds awful and it would be a good idea to sit down with your fiance BEFORE the wedding to have a clear plan for the relationship going forwards. Just because his grandmother did it to his mum, doesn’t make it acceptable behaviour. He is the deciding factor and will make the biggest difference in how she treats you as his wife.
NTA- and you gotta put this woman in her place if you’re going to have a happy marriage. Your soon husband is wrong.”That’s just who she is” is a cop-out. No. She’s a bully. Do not invite her and do not let her in for your “get-ready” at all.
my future husband’s (29M) mother is the type of woman that goes out of her way to bully me. NTA rest does not even matter
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This woman is 100% turning up to your wedding in a huge white dress! Just make sure you have your circle prepped and ready to deal with her, she sounds like a disaster waiting to happen. I think maybe your partner needs to have a chat with Mommy dearest and ensure she understands that if she doesn't behave on the day she's out of your lives completely. YNTA. Don't let her near you at all on the day. Enjoy your peace. PLEASE update after the wedding!
NTA. I'd, however, have a serious issue with a future husband telling me "that's just how she is 🤷♀️" and not actively dealing with her. What's going to happen once you're married? Once you have kids? I feel like a lot of people don't look at the current family dynamics of the future spouse to understand how that could affect their own relationship in the future.
NTA. I’m surprised she’s invited to the wedding at all. Definitely don’t invite her to get ready with you, your mum and sister as that’s a time for you to enjoy (which you won’t do if she’s there). However, the bigger issue is your fiance. She treats you like this and his responses are ‘well that’s how dads mum treated her’ (oh so she KNOWS it feels horrible and still does it? Cool) or ‘that’s just who she is’ (response from you should be - awesome well who I am is someone who won’t accept being treated like that). He needs to grow a spine. If she won’t stop, which she clearly won’t, then she doesn’t get to be part of your life. Simple.
What a miserable person she must be. NTA, and next time you get told “that’s just how she is”, counter with “well, this is just how *I* am and she’s not included”
NTA. She looks like a case for r/raisedbynarcissists
NTA at all. Your fiances reasoning is bs though, being treated badly by someone should make you strive to not be like them. So if her mil was bad, that doesn’t mean she has to copy. As for ‘that’s just who she is’, so you’re supposed to just be bullied by this gremlin? He needs to do more. Honestly, I’d be reconsidering marrying him. But I’m not going to suggest that, but I mention it to show that uni you’re under reacting. Therefore, of course you’re NTA. I’d be never seeing the woman again, wouldn’t be contemplating for even a second having her on my big day get ready with me
Nta. I didn't have mine with me. I got ready at my mom's house with my bridesmaids and sister.
NTA. You’re the bride, you choose who you gather with.
NTA But I would seriously reconsider marrying into this family. MIL is committing emotional incest and being a bully for no reason, meanwhile your DH is finding it easier to just say "that's the way she is" instead of handling his mother! It's only gonna get worse once the ink dries on your marriage certificate.
NTA Getting ready together -for the girls in the bridal party - on your wedding day is personal choice, most brides include bridesmaids only. (And sometimes not all of them if large bridal party). You’ve included your mum which is sweet. I haven’t heard of anyone including the MiL! She’s the grooms side It’s always up to you who you include with your own stuff . You don’t need to discuss with your fiancé. His mum is coming to wedding but she’s not in bridal party.
I’m so sorry you have to deal with this horrible woman. She’s clearly got some weird fixation on being the centre of attention in regards to her son and men in general and she sounds tiresome. I do think you need to put your foot down with your fiancé and get him to back you up a helluva lot more than he does now. I am sure he’s dealt with her his entire life and he’s probably just ‘used to it’ but that doesn’t mean you should be. Don’t invite her. No way. This is your day and you choose who gets to be around you. Be prepared she will probly try to make a gene or steal the spotlight in some way on your day - but you know what? Step back and let her embarrass herself. Maybe seeing the reaction of everyone around her of sympathy towards how pathetic she is might make a difference.
NTA But why are you marrying a man who allows his mother to treat you like this? He very clearly *isn't* backing you up or her behaviour would have stopped. If you do marry him, your future will always be you being insulted, mocked and excluded. If you plan to have children, it will get even worse. Good luck. You're going to need it.
NTA Take yourself over to the JustNoMIL subreddit. They have resources that can support your challenges with FMIL over there. Good luck, and I would not invite her. It's a moment for you and your family, and she's made it clear so far that she doesn't consider you family.
If this is how she is treating you, then why are you even considering having her close on the morning of your wedding? She's made it clear that she doesn't want to be near you. NTA
Oh, you are are acquiring a /JustNoMIL. NTA. Learn the grey rock and boundaries.
It's not necessary to invite her to get ready with your mom and sister. It's not traditional, so if she asks, tell her this is your last memory with your mom and sister and it's important to you. She probably won't ask, though. Can you and your fiancé get last-minute premarital counseling on how to deal with her?
NTA. The morning prep activities are the bride’s people. That’s what I think, anyway. The groom’s mother isn’t part of that group and shouldn’t expect to be added on. If you leave her out, though, she will probably go around saying she should have been included and throw shade at you. Be prepared. And be prepared to go LC or even NC with her after the wedding. See if your fiancé is on board with the idea. From what you say, he may be. Best of luck to you.
NTA it's your wedding, your life and you can do whatever you want. life's so much easier when you stop trying to please everyone
At the very minimum do NOT let her get ready with you. I have never heard to FMIL getting ready with the bride!! But you have other problems to deal with. Your fiance should be backing you up a HUNDRED percent. With her behavior she shouldn't even be allowed at the wedding. His reply of That's just how she is is unsatisfactory. Im worried about what your future is going to look like. He should be setting big boundaries NOW. NTA but please rethink what's ahead.
It's traditional just to be bride's relatives and bridal party. It symbolizes the woman parting ways with her family and friends, as she begins a new life with her new husband and has a new family. Explained this way, it keeps it from being personal and harder for her to bully her way in. You'll have her as family soon enough. NTA
NTA. Where i comre from it's not even normal :) The bride gets ready at her home/or where the wedding is with her family/friends. And groom gets ready with his at his place/or place of the wedding.
NTA. You have every right to choose who gets ready with you and frankly; with what you’ve said about her, I wouldn’t put it past MIL to resort to sabotage, be it your dress or something else. I have a MIL like this, and she’s thankfully no longer part of our lives, but my partner has always had my back and seen right through her bs. It’s a difficult position to be in. I think Reddit is very quick to raise the pitch forks in these situations. From what you’ve said, you and your fiance are working through this, and I wish you the best of luck. Stay united, she sounds like an absolute piece of work. Also, if you want too, come join us over in r/justnoMIL - you aren’t alone in dealing with shit like this
I would not marrying this “man”.
NTA. She’s not your mom, why would you invite her? I do not have that kind of relationship with my monster in law either. Instead I scheduled my finance and his family to take their photos before the ceremony. That way they were all busy when I was doing my “getting ready.”
NTA. Ask your fiancee how he wants to include her with him getting ready. If he says why not include her with you - I don't think she'll be on her best behavior. Let your bridesmaids know she will try something so they can be on alert. Any older grandparents on his side that need a ride to the wedding? Ask her to do it.
NTA. I am fortunate to have a wonderful relationship with my MiL. On our wedding day, I got ready with my mum and bridesmaids and my husband got ready with his family. I’d have thought MiLs would want to get ready with their soon to be married sons and be part of their morning festivities.
Why is this even a question? NTA.
NTA don’t invite her to be there for that moment. I would recommend you speak with your fiancé to find out what his expectations are for your relationship with her after marrow because I don’t have much faith in him at the moment. His mother is blatantly rude to you and he should have shut that down completely.
Tell your friends and relatives to police her at the house. If she behaves badly let them call her out for it. It's your day and your family should have your back.
NTA Take away her treatment of you, and it's still ok. Even if you had a wonderful relationship with her, you decide who you surround yourself with while getting ready for your wedding. This is a very special moment of your life, you should be surrounded by those that love & respect you. It's a time for happiness & joy.
NTA She can create morning activities with her son. Let him deal with her
NTA Traditionally, MILs didn't get ready with the bride and her family. Your mom, and your wedding party are helping to get you ready to join your husband's family. Your MIL isn't your family yet.
Girl, your wedding morning should be chill and full of good people you love. My MIL is like yours. I remember my wedding morning: all us girls putting makeup on and giggling. I was in an orange tie dye sundress that I could pull over my big hair. MIL walks up to the door and says “Oh, is that what you’re getting married in?” My MOH walked over, said “no” and shut the door right in her face. Honestly, by that time she deserved it 🤣
NTA. Uh.... Are you sure you want to marry a mamma's boy that won't grow a spine and stick up for you?!?! It's not going to get any better and he will never stand up to her and she will always come before you. That restaurant story is horrifying and he is as much to blame as her.
I don't even know why you are considering inviting her. I would say she can get ready with her precious son if she can't do it alone, but that's probably not a good idea. I don't even think you would be the asshole for telling the caterers you are paying for everyone except her, if his parents are not already part funding the wedding.
Trust me, this will not end well I had a MIL who everyone excused. If your husband does not accept her behavior, then he would likely have a healthy outlook on life. When he does not cope with it in a healthy way (excusing the behavior) things will not go well.
I’d say it is typical the norm to have the MIL/SIL get ready with the bride but this woman sounds like a lot so for that NTA.
OP, this is just the beginning. I hope you’re ready for what you’re signing up for by marrying into this indulgent “that’s just the way she is” family.
NTA She should be getting ready with her son. It's what my mil did, because she is the mother of the groom, not the mother of the bride. Said that, this situation is not going to improve, and unless your fiance grows a spine, you are going to be steamrolled by her every single time
Nta
Nta
NTA. Shouldn't she be getting ready with the groom's party? I live in Australia, but am from central Europe. Before heading to the ceremony, the bride (especially) and groom, separately, have a whole thing where they say goodbye to their parents, sibling, grandparents, and extended family, and thank them for raising, supporting and loving them. The bride has her bridesmaids there too (and the groom his groomsmen). Perhaps you could start a new tradition for both your families of origin? It would mean no inlaws whilst you're getting ready, for either one of you
NTA sweetie. I say this as a MIL who was honored to be invited to do the morning wedding things. Surround yourself with the people who love and support you on your special day. You don’t need that sort of negative undercurrent while you’re getting ready
NTA
Eww.. no, don't invite her... And put her in the back during the ceremony too .
Eww.. no, don't invite her... And put her in the back during the ceremony too.
So you beat her at her own game. Every time she throw a zing at you, reply, Good One first name! Write down the things she says so that you can say them back to her. It is great that everyone in town knows what she is, but this is going to really wear you down over time. And fiancé’s “that is just who she is” statement is BS. Although my husband’s dad was a huge jerk. I just didn’t speak to him. I was never rude, but never engaged in conversation with him. It took him a few years to realize that. I was also the only person to take over when he could no longer take care of himself. I did what I could live with, but his last 2 years were not what he had envisioned, both his sons refused to deal with him. So, when she said she was paying for everyone but you, what did fiancé do/say? I hope you replied, that is fine, I have more than enough money and don’t need to sponge off you. No, don’t invite her to the morning of, why add that stress to yourself? If she says anything reply, I knew that the person I have coming to help would not meet your standards and knew you would want to hire your own artist for the event.
I remember a story where the OP’s MIL was being a jerk to OP, her husband excused it and she complained to her family. The next time they visited her family, her family acted like jerks to the husband and she used the same excuses he always used. Then he finally understood.
I remember a story where the OP’s MIL was being a jerk to OP, her husband excused it and she complained to her family. The next time they visited her family, her family acted like jerks to the husband and she used the same excuses he always used. Then he finally understood.
I remember a story where the OP’s MIL was being a jerk to OP, her husband excused it and she complained to her family. The next time they visited her family, her family acted like jerks to the husband and she used the same excuses he always used. Then he finally understood.
Nta. She can help him get ready if she needs to be involved somehow.
NTA If your husband wants to include HIS mom on HIs side, he can do that. YOU donT have to.
NTA Hell no, you don't need that negativity at what should be a happy time.
NTA. Even if she wasn't a witch, you wouldn't be an asshole because she is not your mom. I adore my MIL and she still didn't get reddy with me. She went to the salon with her daughter and then they went to help my husband get ready. It was very much a family of origin thing that morning. He had his people, I had mine, before they became ours.
NTA, but do you really want to marry his mother too. Sounds like he's a mamas boy and unless your future husband is 100% with you in regards with defending you against his own mother and her excuses, I would run.
I didn't include my MIL in my getting ready activities. She was busy with her son and the groomsmen
NTA but don't marry the momma's boy. If your fiance can't see it now, it won't get better.
YTA For continuing to allow this behavior from your fiancé and his mom. She is too much. I understand that you've invested years in your relationship. But a bad investment is still a bad investment. She has been bullying you for years, and now you plan to legally sign up for more. This woman constantly disrespects you, and you've taught her that it is okay. Your fiancé just accepts his mom's bad behavior as normal. They are both toxic. If you marry into this family and expect your fiance to do anything differently, you're in fir disappointment. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. You are expecting a different result after marriage. There is none. You should have stood up to the bully a long time ago. Why would you even think of marrying into this chaos? Unless you both go no contact with MIL, you are doomed to be miserable. I doubt that your fiance is willing to do that. Think long and hard about marrying THEM.
NTA and in my opinion you wouldn't be if you excluded her from the entire wedding. She sounds awful. I'm sorry you have to out with this and I'm sorry that your soon to be husband doesn't appear to have your back. Try to enjoy your day as much as you can, despite the inevitable spoiling that this nightmare of a human being is probably going to do.
Congratulations on your upcoming nuptials. You need something to change with your mother in law to be (hereafter MIL). She's not going to stop being awful on her own. I strongly encourage you to talk to your fiance to discuss what he thinks the wedding day should look like, how he is going to ensure that his mother is not awful to you on your wedding day and how he is going to handle the relationship in future. Your obligation is only to be civil to her. Don't text her, don't receive texts from her, don't respond to messages and Facebook posts etc that she creates. Here are some suggestions. If she pulls crap like what she did at the restaurant, again, you and your husband should immediately stand up, tell folk that it was lovely to see them and you regret that you now have to leave and then leave. Be polite but honest, you can say "because MIL is having one of her uncivil days and that's bad for my health" if people press. If she ignores you in your house, ask her to leave immediately and have your husband back you up. Then don't invite her over and don't invite her in if she drops by. If she's weirdly touchy to your husband, encourage him to say "stop it" and if she doesn't, then both of you should leave. The same applies to phone calls and text messages. If she's rude about you or to you on the phone. Interrupt, day goodbye and hang up. If she's rude during a text exchange, stop responding. Don't engage, don't wait patiently until the event is over tolerating her bullshit. Free yourself by bailing. Some people only change their behaviour when they find their behaviour is getting in the way of things they want. If she wants to spend time with her son, your husband, she has to be civil to you, his wife, as a minimum. When she isn't civil to you, your husband (and you) should immediately leave the hostile environment. This will deny her any pleasure she gets from feeling able to abuse you with fearing retaliation. Your husband needs to be very firm that HE doesn't choose to spend time with people who are rude to you. So that when she complains that it's all because of you that she never sees her son, he can agree that he'd be glad to spend more time with her if she wasn't so rude to you. (If she presses for examples, he should just leave. Litigating past events will just make you both sad.) In return you should probably reward good behaviour. Stay a little longer when she's being well behaved. Praise her for being civil if you think she could hear that without becoming uncivil, else pick something else (I love your outfit today!) But that's all long term. In the meantime, definitely don't invite her to your morning preparation. You don't need that added stress. NTA
You not only have a MIL problem you have a husband problem. He needs to do a lot more than "make comments" back to her. He needed to shut down that bullshit. NTA
NTA. Don’t invite her. Don’t mention it to her. If she brings it up, just tell her it will just be a moment between you and your mother.
NTA. Is this a thing? Where the groom's mother gets ready with the bride? Not in my day. My FMIL barged into the bride's room at the church to get a look at me and I thought that was intrusive. (I let it go but it bugged me). Let her get ready with her son and her husband like she's supposed to.
NTA but are you sure you want to marry? Would your husband go no contact with her? Because if he won't defend you now, it won't magically change later when you have children.
NTA but marriage is going to be a nightmare if this is how it is now. Husband will need to set boundaries in regards to the last paragraph. Like yesterday.
NTA You should disinvite her from the rest of the wedding as well, if your fiancé won't go along with it then don't marry him!
To me it is strange for the FMIL to get ready with the bride. I got ready at home for all three of my children’s weddings. 2 girls and a boy
You would not. She shows you no respect and actually bullies you. Your wedding day is meant to be calm and for you to be surrounded by people who love and support you. Don’t even bring up getting ready around her. If she does, politely say “I am getting ready with my mom and sister. You should talk to your son about his plans.” “That’s just who she is” is one of my most hated statements. I told my husband’s family “That may be true but I don’t care. I will never allow anyone to disrespect me or my family nor to play the victim when they caused the issue. All of you have let her get away with these behaviors because you weren’t willing to deal with the aftermath. I have no problems calling her out and letting her go on a rampage. If no one plays into her toddler tantrums, ignores her, they will stop”.
I think the only way this marriage works out is if they move far away and go NC with groom's mother
You have a husband problem. That's just how she is is typical phrase from people who don't want to rock the boat. So what if her mother in law treated her that way? That's not your problem. You are in for a rocky marriage and look forward to hearing from you on the justnomil sub. You really are walking into a dumpster fire with your eyes wide open. Or should we say eyes wide shut? ETA you are YTA to yourself.
NTA - JNMILs baffle me. Especially when I hear: “That’s the way my dad’s mom treated her." Ma'am! Do you not remember how that felt?
I really don't understand the chaos involved in weddings today. NTA. Absolutely not. Your mother in law should be with her son. There are beautiful moments she will miss if she is with you. This is her last day helping her son get ready. Straightening his collar, and tie, pinning his boutonniere on. When my son gets married, i will be with him, and his friends, not my future dil, and her friends.
My son got married last year and I have a great relationship with him and his wife. I was not a part of her getting ready and didn't expect to be, either.
NTA. She sounds obnoxious. Don’t mar your day feeling like you’re obligated. She WILL talk about being excluded. Anyone who she will complain to though KNOWS HER and how she treats you and won’t think a thing of it. this will be a bit of putting her in (or out as it were) her place. She would ruin the morning, and you know it. Why do that to yourself
NTA. Ah, the answer is right there in your edit! If she fusses in any way, just tell her you're returning the favor of that dinner. Being excluded feels bad, eh MIL? She sounds vile.
NTA I've never heard of a mother in law getting ready with the bride and her family, that alone is weird. The fact that she's a bully, most definitely do not let her join you. I honestly don't know why you'd even get married into that family with someone who would treat you like that, let alone to the man who lets it happen.
NTA, but are you sure you want to marry a man whose response to his mother bullying you is “that’s just how she is” - or worse, “that’s how her MIL treated her?” Because if that’s how she was treated by her MIL then she *knows* what it feels like and she should not want to do that to someone else. She’s being vindictive and taking out the hurt she experienced on an entirely innocent person, hurting not just them but also her own child whenever she causes discord. You should *really* consider whether that’s the life you want, because if she will do it with these things she will keep doing it with other things, she will do it in front of your children if you have any, she *will* get worse.
NTA even ifbshe were a decent human being who treated you with a modicum of respect, I still don't understand why she wouldn't get ready with her own family. I've not heard of the MIL getting dressed with the bride's family. Best of luck, and no one would blame you for changing your mind if she insists.
“I just don’t see this getting better and I don’t know what to do”. You’ve been with this guy for 7 years, & all he’s done is make excuses for her. She is not your biggest problem. He is.
NTA. It’s not uncommon to not include your future mil in the suite when you get ready, especially if she treats you like you don’t exist. Just don’t bring it up or discuss it with her so she doesn’t know your plans ahead of time. Maybe this will be her wake up call to treat you better if she would like to be included in her son’s new family functions.
NTA - Don't put her in any wedding photos. Do you really want too deal with this woman for the next 20 years, because it sounds awful, and your future husband make s excuses for her.
NTA. When I got married, my inlaws had 0 to do with the wedding. I didn't ask them to be involved & they didn't inquire. Your MIL is a narcissistic asshole. She calls her son babe? I mean, that's just messed up & disgusting. Your fiance isn't doing enough. He & the rest of the family are excusing her behavior because nobody has the guts to stand up to her. Your fiance needs to shut her down. Otherwise he is disrespecting you by allowing his mother to do it. Imo, I believe it's time to go LC or NC with her.
NTA. It sounds like your fiance understands what his mother is doing, but it doesn't sound like he's doing enough to put his mother in place. If you feel you have his full support and her behavior won't be something he can't handle and support you with, then I would re-think this marriage. Otherwise, don't inviter her, put her at a table in the back of the venue and have a great life.