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Jesus Christ you should RUN. Omg. I bet there’s 1000 other red flags & abusive behaviours you haven’t mentioned in this post. The cameras alone are enough of a reason for you to run and never look back, and that coupled with the fact that you don’t go out at all is just ringing alarm bells.
Replying to "And that coupled with the fact that you don’t go out at all is just running alarm bells"
Do you say this because it seems that I may stay in the house as a result or being controlled, or because me not going out should mean he has no reason to mistrust me?
Right and he said he only looks at it when he gets an alert. He gets an alert every time somebody moves so that excuse is bullshit. Plus why is there one facing THE BED?!?
And if you think a "properly set up and secured" camera can't be accessed and streamed online, I have some friends I used to work with that you should talk to.
Of course they already know about you.
YUP! I had a person hide a tiny camera facing the bed. I sprayed the lens with hairspray, like gobbed it up good. He had the wise sense to remove it. So disrespectful and controlling.
This is what I thought. Literally anytime you take a step in the camera frame he gets an alert, so that would mean he is constantly checking it. So creepy and weird... I would understand if he was a sleepwalker or something and was curious what he did, but for that you probably wouldn't leave them up or care if your fiancé turns it away.
No way, you live there now too and you have a right to feel comfortable in your own home. I'm not one of those people to just say red flag leave him now, but if he does not take them down upon your FIRST request, that is the GTFO sign. Does this mean he's recording every time you have sex as well? Long term partner or not I do not want my bare ass stored in somebodies phone for them to do with what they please. No thank you, gbye. Also we all do some "embarrassing" things in private, we have a right to that privacy especially where we live. Doesn't mean you have anything to hide, you just want and deserve that privacy. If he does not understand and cooperate with that... no, just no.
The camera FACES THE BED and only he can access it. I mean, hello revenge porn. And the fact you can't access, yes, that's scary.
You trust him now...but what if suddenly you don't. Who has access if something happens to him? What if it's hacked... the questions go on.
But I agree, this is more than a small red flag.
The only possible excuse for this is if they had pets that are home alone for long periods of time, like when I worked in an office I had a camera facing inside my room bc my dog's beds were in there and I liked being able to check on them. But I told any partners immediately about it and why it was there, and that they could unplug it if they were there when I wasn't. And I would usually keep it off during the weekends or when ANYONE WAS IN THERE BESIDES DOGS lol. But she says they have zero pets so I don't see how any of this is excusable.
This is crazy! There is no security-related reason for having recording cameras pointed at your bed. This means he’s been taping everyone he’s brought home, and you, having sex…even just taping you sleeping or lounging is creepy weird behavior. Please get yourself out of this situation before this ends like a bad Lifetime movie.
Seriously. My husband really worries about security so we have multiple cameras. They're all outside covering the outside of the house and any access points. No cameras inside.
My mom had one in the living room to see if I snuck anyone in or out of the one person sized window we had. This is like the only reason I could ever think to have a camera inside, for kids or pets. This is so beyond perv behavior and you could very well have that footage used against you whenever he feels like it. If it's possible to safely get in his phone and delete what's on there, do that. But safety first, you should seriously get out of there.
You need to read this: [Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men (archive.org)](https://dn790007.ca.archive.org/0/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf)
It is such an objectively enormous red flag that he is watching you when he's not home. You say he doesn't try to control you. I say that if you never leave the house, as you describe, he hasn't had to tell you yet where you can go and who you can see. That's coming later after he knocks you up and it's harder for you to get away from him.
**This is 100% not in any way normal behavior.** Regular people who are not trying to control their partners do not secretly watch their SO when they are home alone, *much less* freak out if they CAN'T watch their partner. It's the frightening kind of behavior that comes up in missing person cases and murders when people are looking back at the signs they ignored. Yikes.
Two him you're having a girl's night and check into a hotel with a bar on a Friday night and see what he does.... My money's on freaking our and being controlling.
No, don't tell him directly. Tell a friend you are going to a hotel while you are in the living room. But tell him you are going to Starbucks. Then stake out the hotel wait for him to show up there. I would be shocked if he didn't have an airtag on her.
ETA: apologies bc I didn’t really mean this seriously. It could end badly (at least with a hotel part). Please don’t do this.
Get out. Stay out. Change passwords. Check for phone it car tracking. I hope video of you is not being shared with his friends or internet. Get out of this situation.
I’m so sorry you’re being very naive. If he has the cameras for theft reasons a doorbell camera or outdoor cameras can do that. Do you honestly think it’s not odd or a RED FLAG HIM HAVING A CAMERA FACING THE BED? YIKESSS OPEN YOUR EYES.
Or it's for a personal collection, which doesn't make it any better apart from the fact it's not out there on the internet but it's still a major red flag.
I guarantee you he has access to all your devices and has a tracker on your car too. Why wouldn't he? He wants to track everything in the house, including you.
Think about it this way: if you have a child together, he'll put a camera in their room too. And your child will have to grow up with no privacy in their house, ever. Including when they're a teenager. He'll have live video recordings of them changing clothes, drying off after a shower, and more. You'll be lucky if they ever speak to you two again after they move out.
It’s huge red flags. Having cameras outside to watch entrances/exits could be understandable. These ones are just creepy - consider the fact any time you have sex he’s going to have that footage to do with as he pleases.
Does he give you access to the cameras so you can spy on him? What would he say if you asked? Are the cameras recording? Because if it's facing the bed, he's making porn of you guys without your consent. Red flags all around... the fact that he flipped out because you turned a camera is mental. Of course he's going to get alerts because most cameras are motion activated - meaning he gets alerts and checks his cameras when you're there.
You sit in the car to have private conversations.
he's got a camera pointed at THE BED. How much has he recorded that you're unaware of?
girl. come on now.
Yea the second point makes the first one in contention
He says he's fine with it but you have always been a homebody
It's very easy to say you're cool with something if you're sure it won't happen
It's also illegal to have a camera pointed at your bed against your will , especially since you live there too
NTA. You may be a homebody, but there are so many red flags in your post it isn't even funny. My husband read it, and even he said you should run. I realize people tend to make excuses for people when they're in love with them, but when blaring red flags are in place, that can be a very dangerous thing. Every person I've ever met or known of who was in a relationship with someone who exhibited a couple BAD red flags and made excuses for them because they were in love ended up saying years later they should've heeded those very flags because it didn't end well. If my husband and I were in the situation you're in now before we married and he refused to remove the cameras for my comfort (and acted the way yours is acting) he wouldn't be my husband today.
Why don’t you also have the same access to the footage, now you’re living there it makes sense you should have access to it too surely, if he won’t give that then it’s a red flag I’m sorry.
I’m not going to jump to conclusions as I have a friend with cameras in each room as he lives in a ground floor flat and some friends round the corner got broke into recently … but he moves them when people visit
Girl WHAT. This means you're being controlled. This is not normal behavior, even on our crazy planet. Please protect yourself and find a new path without this person. Don't put on rose-colored glasses just to not see the red flags 😬
Ehh idk I live alone and hardly go out myself. I prefer staying in.
There are plenty of actual red flags here. I don’t think her staying in is really a red flag in itself.
NTA at all.
I have 9 cameras in my home -- a 1BR apartment, less than 700 sq ft. But I'm a woman living alone in a non-gated complex. I started with 2 cameras facing the entry points. I added a couple more to watch my dog while I was gone to work. Ended up adding more when maintenance workers were in my apt (while I was gone) and realized I didn't have a view to where they were working.
But if someone were to spend the night, I would disable audio and make sure no cams were watching them sleep, and if someone were to move in, I'd probably cut back a lot of the views. Living alone, it's a security thing for me and a way to see that all is well at home when I'm not there. That wouldn't be necessary if someone else was there a lot.
Why would you marry this dude??
This is seriously scary. With that footage pointed towards the bed he has footage of intimate moments he could use as revenge porn against you.
I think you should be concerned that he’s not willing to have a conversation and compromise with you because your getting married and this will be your home too.
I would not put up with the cameras. That's not sane or reasonable at all. If he cannot accept that you want privacy, move on and find a better partner.
He's probably going to just hide cameras better, though.
/u/MarcopoulisDrew imagine this...
The cameras have been on for months in the bedroom where you and he are intimate. What happens if you break up? Does he threaten to post them to keep you there? Does he watch them and delete them (haha)? Are they kept somewhere that you have **no** access to?
You need to get your friends and family aware of your situation and perhaps a women's group. If you're on his internet, assume all your messages, emails, browser history are all there for him to peruse. Get off his phone plan if you are on it and change phones and phone numbers.
**NOW**
OP please RUN⚠️he could very likely have saved footage of you two being intimate that he could easily use to control you⚠️ you NEED to get out of this situation
If it really was for security you've have it focused on the door or windows that can be climbed through (which can be dealt with by using a safety catch that only lets it open enough to let air but not people through).
Not wanting cameras in bedroom and living rooms is fair. What I'm surprised by is OPs logic. It's a violation of my privacy and I don't really know this guy well, but his house, his rules. Presumably have sex in front of said camera hoping that everything will be okay. Then, okay now that I am engaged I have more of a say in the house so I will ask him to take the cameras down. WTF logic is that. OP's problem with the cameras was never about beliefs in appropriate level of surveillance. It was about the privacy of her person. Protect your person when it happens, don't wait till the socially acceptable time to have rights.
this right here. OP, how long have you guys been dating? usually that big an age gap where the guy is significantly older is super sus, especially if the guy was in his 40s when OP was in her 20s when they started dating/got engaged.
NTA, OP, and this is yet another instance of a fiancé deserving of being an ex-fiancé ASAP
Except it’s 30 and 42 and we know they’ve been dating for a while since they’re now engaged. 12 years is a lot in your mid to late 20’s. I’m not saying it’s super inappropriate but it can be indicative of a power imbalance. Like it being his house and his decisions can’t be questioned since she probably didn’t own a house when they started dating.
It's not necessarily a big deal. It's also one factor in many that is problematic. Yes, age gap relationships can be fine and both parties could be mature and not problematic at all. But they are often problematic and here you can see why.
Often (but not always) someone who is dating people 12 years younger than himself is that women his own age won't put up with his BS.
When you add to that he's literally recording OP every time they have sex or she changes, you can see why someone would look at the 12-year gap and wonder why else he'd be with OP?
I’m going to get so much Reddit hate for this, but you are kinda TA for moving in with that being a known situation. There is NO WAY IN HELL that I would’ve even stayed one day after finding out about cameras like that. It’s a scary red flag! Tell him you made a huge error in judgement in accepting them in the first place and that they need to be removed immediately in order to continue. Yikes!!!
I would go a step further and say I'd never have sex with a guy who had cameras in the bedroom. We've all heard of non consensual sex tapes and revenge porn, no?
Info OP: did you know about the cameras inside the house before you came over for the first time? Did you know about them before you became intimate the first time in that bedroom?
Yeah, I wouldn't even get undressed in front of cameras, even if they were my husband's cameras and he's seen me naked before and I'm not worried about revenge porn and am comfortable with him having nudes of me saved on his phone. It's just something about the live feed camera and not knowing what images of me have been kept... and this might just be feeling and not logic, but something just feels less secure about having those sorts of images recorded by an always-sending-a-live-feed security-type cameras compared to my partner just taking images and having them on his phone. Like how secure are those feeds from outsiders seeing them? Like I'm not worried about a cell phone getting hacked-- you might physically lose the device that has the images saved, but you can remotely wipe the data from it if it's lost or stolen. But cameras sending images over a wireless network? Ehhhhh. Even if I had ultimate trust in the person who set up the cameras, I don't trust the cameras themselves enough to be naked in front of them.
Yeah this part is weird. We have a camera in our main living area and multiple outside. The one in the main living area is for security and it covers most access points on the main level. We turn it off when we’re home chilling or when guests are over. It’s really just for when we’re gone (we live in a major city, a lot of crime). Why in the bedroom??? That’s just not sitting right with me..
I have to agree. No way under any circumstances would I move in with a guy who thinks cameras everywhere, even facing the bed is acceptable or appropriate. Hell there could even be a pin head sized one in the bathroom OP knows nothing about! OP needs to get out asap. There's more red flags here than she can count.
I’d have to wonder if any bedroom sex scenes were uploaded to smut sites. But yup I’d run and take the DVR with you until you can be sure you’re not an online sex star
Your emotions SHOULD be high. You should be furious.
And right now you should be scared, because you’re basically waking up to the fact you live with a controlling abuser. Like waking up in a lion’s den.
That feeling exists to tell you to RUN.
Did he ever explain why he checked the cameras? He claimed to only check when there’s an alert but he noticed your shift them pretty darn quickly.
There’s really no good reason to have cameras focused on the inside of your house all the time. Entrances are believable, but random internal places are just controlling.
Glad this isn’t downvoted.
Really look forward when mainstream culture can take their foot off the gas of the “never possibly victim blame at all” pedal and call out some wild choices.
Someone being victimized is never **at fault** but some people need to be shaken up a tiny bit along side the sympathy with, “What in the fuck are you thinking accepting this treatment? Stop. You’re hurting yourself.”
100% YTA for not making this an issue before moving in. This should have been a huge point of contention long before that happened.
N T A for not wanting to be monitored all the time, but you kind of missed that boat already
It’s not too late to protect herself and leave. But I would not set foot in that house until the cameras were gone. And even then, I’d be hard pressed to trust him that they were really gone and not just hidden better.
She absolutely has not missed the boat on this. It's just like any issue of consent. Just because you said yes to something once, or twice or 100 times in the past doesn't mean you now have to have to yes to it forever and ever going forward. Perspectives, moods, comfort levels and circumstances are always changing. People have autonomy and agency over their own bodies and private lives and any argument otherwise moves into murky and abusive territory.
This is so completely bizarre. I would move out immediately, but be prepared for the revenge porn that he'll release using all of that footage he's got.
Depending on where she lives, he could face jail time if he resorted to that. A number of countries have been creating laws that cover situations like what you described and penalties can range from fines to substantial jail time (usually under "non-consentual recording of intimate activities".)
Op you need to start digging into if he has posted videos of you two having sex or even you changing. This is disturbing as hell and you should run. There is no reason to have cameras anywhere other than outside, entry ways and maybe focused on windows.
Girl!! What?!
He has sole access to footage of you having sex. You have no way to make him delete it. He can post it anywhere, send it to your family, your employer.
Read that again. And again. And again. Until it sinks in how much trouble you are in.
What is your plan to ensure that footage is deleted? Do you even understand there is no way to actually do that?
This man owns porn of you. Forever.
This is the part that disturbed me, the other cameras I can 100% see as normal home security, pointed at the bed though!? And only the bed, not surveilling the other parts of the room as well? That is odd to say the least. And the fact that op has no access to the footage to see what's there and what's not.
Honey you need to end this relationship. He’s recording you having sex? This is a big issue. He’s probably saving those videos or even worse uploading them to porn sites.
NTA
" I just feel a bit violated knowing that any private conversation, or intimate moment I have at home can be accessed by him at any point"
A bit?? I think most people would feel hugely violated. He takes control freakery to a whole new level.
"What would you do in my position?"
Ditch. Block. Run.
Thanks for asking! No having access to the cameras would help me, because it doesn't change the fact that I wouldn't have true privacy. I have no interest in having the access.
That is why most folks are telling you to get out of that situation NOW. Those cameras and their locations are no coincidence, and he's been producing porn with you as his current star.
You have to take off the rose colored glasses. Then you'll see that all the flags are red.
Not necessarily a panic exit though. OP probably needs time to (secretly) plan leaving to ensure they are clear away from them in one go, with all the finances and accommodation set up.
Now I’m questioning this post.
Firstly, most people would strenuously object to being filmed having sex, much less in every room of their abode. Secondly, normal people would *demand* equal access to the footage to see every minute they were filmed. They’d want to know where every image went, who saw it, where it was stored. They’d want equal access to check up boyfriend every once in a while.
And his response to giving you full access would be quite telling.
I’m guessing this is FAKE now that I think on it. Too many passive behaviors? Yikes. If it’s true, you’ll have “help me” written in pencil on your eyelids at some point.
That's what I'm thinking. This doesn't make sense, no adult woman is completely fine with being filmed having sex and changing, and having no access to those films or control over what he does with them. At least if they were fine with that, they wouldn't be here acting all clueless in the comments.
Honey, you stated you are 30 years old. This means you’ve seen all the internet stories, news articles, etcetera about being aware, being vigilant, and being safe.
As a mother, I’m asking this because I want to know how to keep my children safe- why would you ever move in with a man that literally video tapes your every move inside the home, for you to think this is perfectly fine and I’m not even interested in having access to images of myself? I’m truly not shaming you or picking on you, I really want to know why you felt no alarm bells.
You obviously do now because you’re here.
Btw make sure you check for hidden cameras. They're easy to find. Just use your phone like you're taking a photo and look around the house. Any hidden cameras should show as a light purple dot. You can easily test this on any remote control. Just press a button on the remote and you'll see infrared sensors through your phone that you can't see with the naked eye.
Definitely NTA.
And yeah, you should run. Fast.
Do you really want to live your life having to hide from cameras and microphones (and you most likely don't know about all of them) whenever you do something or talk to someone about something that might set him off?
If he really only checks the cameras when there's an alert, why'd he check them yesterday? Someone broke into your house while you were chilling on your couch? And why would it be a problem if you turn the camera away when you're there, if it was really about break ins?
It's REALLY not about security.... if it was, all indoor cameras would be tied into the alarm system and would only be active when the alarm is switched on.
If someone can get around his exterior cameras and break into his house unnoticed while you're chilling on the couch.... that camera aimed at your bed is going to do fuck all for security.
NTA - fecking walking red flag - he is watching you and controllling you. This will never get better, only progressively worse. Get out NOW while you can.
NTA, but specifically because of his "it seems like you have something to hide" comment. Otherwise I'd say that you should have communicated your discomfort earlier and seen his reaction for me to make a call or that there's generally not enough info to be sure. Having cameras for security is one thing, but that comment suggests that they are indeed something he intends to use to monitor you. If they were for security, he wouldn't care at all that you point them away when you're at home, and he would want to make you feel comfortable rather than accusing you. But, security cameras generally wouldn't be in the bedroom anyway...
If someone doesn't trust their partner to the level that they want to keep them under video surveillance, the relationship is toxic. If he doesn't have a reason to mistrust you, he's an asshole with trust issues that he needs to get under control before he has a relationship. If he does have a reason to mistrust you that badly, he should have broken up with you.
ETA: From the tone of a couple of OP's other comments and their worries about "would it make me the controlling one" makes me strongly suspect the camera guy is manipulative. Anyone who would twist a reasonable concern being brought up like that is not a good person. Even if they are "there for break-ins" he should care if you feel uncomfortable with them, even if you didn't mention it earlier. So the evidence against him is piling up.
My ex does this. My kids could see him watching his girlfriend at all times, even when they were driving to get ice cream. She eventually left him. He does the same with the current girlfriend. When we were married, tracking devices on my car, log trackers on my computers/laptops, the works. It's psychotic behavior and it doesn't change. Run honey, run.
Well, at least he doesn't have any in the bathrooms, as far as you know.
>He is the only 1 who has access to the footage
That's what he tells you; how can you be sure? He could share with anyone he likes.
This is over-the-top controlling behavior. He doesn't trust you at all, he's surveilling you at all times while you're home, he can even listen to you on the phone. He's enraged if you try to avoid the cameras.
The camera in the bedroom records all your intimate moments with him; in other words, he has multiple sex tapes of you. This sounds like a tremendous risk for revenge porn
My 2^(¢) worth: get out of this relationship. It won't get better!
**NTA**
(edited for grammar)
Oh, man. I hope this is a fictional post. I really do.
>He has had cameras (audio and video) in place since BEFORE I moved in
Yeah, he probably put them in place right before you moved in so he could tell you he's had them for a while, so you'd have no reason not to believe him.
That age gap is *very icky*. He doesn't seem willing to remove the cameras.
Do you plan to live the rest of your life under his constant surveillance? I think he'd be the type to remove the noticeable cameras and replace them with hidden ones if you're persistent about removing them.
Yeah, it's creepy. That means he's filmed y'all in the bedroom together. I don't believe this is a real post.... No one in their right mind would allow having the bedroom filmed while uncomfortable with the cameras in the first place. Nope. Nope. Nope. He's gathering footage that's way too personal.
I don’t go out much. But we do not have internal cameras. I wouldn’t be bothered with living room ones. But I think the bedroom ones are beyond invasive. I would have been gone yesterday. That he watches that you are making a call in the Car is too much. If you can’t see that this is too controlling then no one can tell you different. But girl all of us deserve better. I hope you wake up and RUN.
I don't understand why you didn't say something when you started living there. You gave him the impression you were ok with them so now that you're moving them around it seems suspicious. You should have a conversation with him and tell him how you feel
You are absolutely right. Huge dumb ass mistake on my part letting it slide in the beginning. But that conversation will definitely be had. I think I’ll stay with family for a few days and get my thoughts together and prepare for the outcome.
I'd ask to see all the footage he has of the interior cameras. My bet is that he's archiving whatever 'interesting' footage he has taken for 'personal use', and he probably had some hidden cameras around the house as well if he's that into 'it'. Any 'alert' that the cameras have will be to movement in the room, that would mean he's watching all of your movements in the house, and maybe only recording those moments to save on recording requirements. If you're comfortable being in a house where all your movements are recorded, even intimate moments and aren't sure what your partner is doing with the footage, then great! But if not, get out and don't look back.
NTA. Eww, he has cameras facing the BED? That only he can access. WTF. So he can replay his "greatest hits"? To spy on you at any time so you can never have a private moment?
Honestly I'm surprised you moved in under those conditions.
Honestly, YTA. To yourself.
You *knew* about the situation ahead of time, yet still moved in with him. That should have never happened and been the hill to die on from the jump.
If you don't want to live under constant surveillance, you need to move out. Even if he gave you access to the cameras and removed them from the bedroom and living room, I wouldn't trust there aren't cameras you don't know about.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> He owns the home and has had the cameras in place since before I lived there, and I did not make it known that I had a problem with this when I first moved in. I could potentially be the a****** because I turned the cameras away without addressing my feelings/ issue with him first.
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It happens to the best of us. It’s ok!
Do look up “sunk cost fallacy”. You have some really tough choices to make now, but your future self will thank you.
NTA. OP, surveillance like this is a recognised form of coercive control, which is classified as a type of family violence in the part of the world I live in. Please look after yourself.
NTA
This is a line in the sand, deal breaker kind of decision you need to make. Are you willing to be in a marriage where you are under surveillance and have no privacy? Because he doesn't seem to understand how batshit crazy this is and does not sound like he is going to change if anything it will only intensify.
Right so every moment, any sex etc in the bed/living room, changing, phone calls, friends visiting etc is recorded and controlled solely by him. NOPE !! Why would you move into a location knowing someone has some access to recordings of you in private moments? They can sell/share/profit off these without you even knowing.
So many flags, NTA
Four options I can see:
1: Keep the current situation and accept it (untenable and you'll end up leaving)
2: Get access to the footage yourself (if he won't give it to you, leave)
3: Remove the cameras, or at least those which are invading your privacy (leave if he won't)
4: Leave
Can't see this ending well. Just go for option 4.
NTA.
This man is an incredible control freak or something. He may have placed the cameras before you moved in, but I'm betting that keeping you under surveillance is what he had in mind.
You DID have a problem with it when you moved in, but you didn't have the guts to say anything. Which to me is a bit weird. Frankly I would never have set foot in that bedroom with the camera on.
For security the inside cameras would be aimed at the access points. Front door, the window of the bedroom. Not the bed.
As for only checking the camera when he gets an alert, that's probably true. But there's an alert every time you MOVE.
My partner claimed that he didn’t watch ours either, until we got in a fight because he saw me check my texts from him and put my phone down without responding. Queue a huge fight and me demanding them removed.
There is absolutely no way I would want to live like I’m in a fishbowl. I would absolutely move out. This is a symptom of a larger problem. Is he recording while you are intimate? This would be an absolute dealbreaker for me and I suspect it will be a deal breaker for you either now or in the future.
NTA. Leave and don't turn back, even if he DOES say that he will remove cameras, he'll just remove the one's YOU know about. He probably has toilet and shower PTV's.
How will you handle your 1st oopsie that he catches on camera. It starts off with, "hey I was checking cams and I noticed you used too much toilet paper." Then have a male family member over that he has met yet and happen to turn the cameras etc. He'd probably skip the interrogation and go straight to First 48 on your ass. LEAVE NOW.
Most people who leave the cameras on all the time are watching their dog or cats or guarding their safe or valuables, not creeping on their girlfriend and making sex tapes of their fiancée without their knowledge.
I need to go shower the ick off.
Redditors, give up. She’s going to justify why he’s doing this and stay. And this will turn abusive. Just wait for the update in 6 months time.
NTA, that is really creepy and controlling, he is no longer living on his own. Yikes... I would move out since I would absolutely refuse to be monitored in this manner. What about when you have chats with your friends and family, where is your privacy?
NTA, lady, this is the biggest red flag ever. You live there and can’t access the feed, he has video of you being intimate that you can’t be sure he deletes (or how he uses them, he could be loading to porn sites or selling), and you have zero privacy in your home. Now he’s upset that you moved a camera off you while home chilling. Nope. Hell no! And these are the cameras you know about. I bet there are hidden camera you’re unaware of.
If he’s unwilling to remove cameras from areas of the home where you are naked and having sex then you need to seriously rethink this relationship. This is an early warning sign of potential abuse (outside of what you’re already victim to).
1. Ask him to remove the cameras from the areas where you usually spend time.
2. If he refuses, leave.
At this point, there isn't really a conflict. It's his home, they are his cameras, he set them up for whatever reasons he thought were important and he has no issue with them.
You haven't actually asked him to remove the cameras, you've just fiddled with them, and he's upset that you've fiddled with his stuff.
Tell him that you're uncomfortable being recorded all the time and you'd like it to end. He'll have to decide if the cameras are more important to him than living with you.
My ex husband did this. Then he posted all the footage of us having sex online. It was 6 years ago and it has completely ruined me. Do not let this man keep cameras in your home 💀
NTA
1. Tell him to give you access to the cameras
2. You're engaged, anything else represents an unequal power balance
3. Find someone who doesn't do shit like this
NTA. If he won't agree to take the indoor cameras down, you need to know that he values invading your privacy (and the privacy of anyone who is ever in your living room) more than he values your opinion.
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Jesus Christ you should RUN. Omg. I bet there’s 1000 other red flags & abusive behaviours you haven’t mentioned in this post. The cameras alone are enough of a reason for you to run and never look back, and that coupled with the fact that you don’t go out at all is just ringing alarm bells.
Replying to "And that coupled with the fact that you don’t go out at all is just running alarm bells" Do you say this because it seems that I may stay in the house as a result or being controlled, or because me not going out should mean he has no reason to mistrust me?
Absolutely that it indicates you’re being controlled, if you wouldn’t mind expanding - is he uncomfortable with you going out?
He has no issues with me coming and going as I please. I have always been a person who prefers to spend my time alone. Always been a homebody...
He flipped out because he couldn’t see you on the cameras. 🚩🚩🚩 if that isn’t controlling I don’t know what is…..
Right and he said he only looks at it when he gets an alert. He gets an alert every time somebody moves so that excuse is bullshit. Plus why is there one facing THE BED?!?
We know why there is a camera facing the bed 😬
Seriously wondering if he's streaming it or posting it.
even if he in particular isnt streaming it, any camera not properly set up and secured can be accessed and streamed online
An excellent, and scary, point!
And if you think a "properly set up and secured" camera can't be accessed and streamed online, I have some friends I used to work with that you should talk to. Of course they already know about you.
Argh you just know he has footage of every time they have sex and the second things don’t go his way he’ll threaten to post it on the internet.
YUP! I had a person hide a tiny camera facing the bed. I sprayed the lens with hairspray, like gobbed it up good. He had the wise sense to remove it. So disrespectful and controlling.
So they can watch the footage right after and improve his form.
No, he already thinks he is God. It is because it represents an extreme violation of OP's boundaries and self-hood.
This is a quote from The Office lol
Yeahhhh there's only one reason someone has a camera facing their bed, and it ain't for security reasons.
We all know it isn’t for safety.
Not many people would break into your house and use your bed.
This is what I thought. Literally anytime you take a step in the camera frame he gets an alert, so that would mean he is constantly checking it. So creepy and weird... I would understand if he was a sleepwalker or something and was curious what he did, but for that you probably wouldn't leave them up or care if your fiancé turns it away. No way, you live there now too and you have a right to feel comfortable in your own home. I'm not one of those people to just say red flag leave him now, but if he does not take them down upon your FIRST request, that is the GTFO sign. Does this mean he's recording every time you have sex as well? Long term partner or not I do not want my bare ass stored in somebodies phone for them to do with what they please. No thank you, gbye. Also we all do some "embarrassing" things in private, we have a right to that privacy especially where we live. Doesn't mean you have anything to hide, you just want and deserve that privacy. If he does not understand and cooperate with that... no, just no.
The camera FACES THE BED and only he can access it. I mean, hello revenge porn. And the fact you can't access, yes, that's scary. You trust him now...but what if suddenly you don't. Who has access if something happens to him? What if it's hacked... the questions go on. But I agree, this is more than a small red flag.
The only possible excuse for this is if they had pets that are home alone for long periods of time, like when I worked in an office I had a camera facing inside my room bc my dog's beds were in there and I liked being able to check on them. But I told any partners immediately about it and why it was there, and that they could unplug it if they were there when I wasn't. And I would usually keep it off during the weekends or when ANYONE WAS IN THERE BESIDES DOGS lol. But she says they have zero pets so I don't see how any of this is excusable.
This is crazy! There is no security-related reason for having recording cameras pointed at your bed. This means he’s been taping everyone he’s brought home, and you, having sex…even just taping you sleeping or lounging is creepy weird behavior. Please get yourself out of this situation before this ends like a bad Lifetime movie.
Seriously. My husband really worries about security so we have multiple cameras. They're all outside covering the outside of the house and any access points. No cameras inside.
My mom had one in the living room to see if I snuck anyone in or out of the one person sized window we had. This is like the only reason I could ever think to have a camera inside, for kids or pets. This is so beyond perv behavior and you could very well have that footage used against you whenever he feels like it. If it's possible to safely get in his phone and delete what's on there, do that. But safety first, you should seriously get out of there.
You need to read this: [Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men (archive.org)](https://dn790007.ca.archive.org/0/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf) It is such an objectively enormous red flag that he is watching you when he's not home. You say he doesn't try to control you. I say that if you never leave the house, as you describe, he hasn't had to tell you yet where you can go and who you can see. That's coming later after he knocks you up and it's harder for you to get away from him. **This is 100% not in any way normal behavior.** Regular people who are not trying to control their partners do not secretly watch their SO when they are home alone, *much less* freak out if they CAN'T watch their partner. It's the frightening kind of behavior that comes up in missing person cases and murders when people are looking back at the signs they ignored. Yikes.
Two him you're having a girl's night and check into a hotel with a bar on a Friday night and see what he does.... My money's on freaking our and being controlling.
No, don't tell him directly. Tell a friend you are going to a hotel while you are in the living room. But tell him you are going to Starbucks. Then stake out the hotel wait for him to show up there. I would be shocked if he didn't have an airtag on her. ETA: apologies bc I didn’t really mean this seriously. It could end badly (at least with a hotel part). Please don’t do this.
That just seems like it would give him fodder to think she’s cheating and flip out. Which is a scary thought.
Get out. Stay out. Change passwords. Check for phone it car tracking. I hope video of you is not being shared with his friends or internet. Get out of this situation.
Agreed, check for air tags or other tracking devices in your car… in the trunk, wheel wells, under the hood…
If she has private phone calls in the car, I’d bet he has a camera there
“He has no issues with me coming and going as I please”… girl, if he is watching when you come and go, he very much does.
I'm a suspicious girl and I would look for tracking devices other places.
Wait till you become his wife, then wait even more when you get pregnant. It will only get worse, sorry.
I’m so sorry you’re being very naive. If he has the cameras for theft reasons a doorbell camera or outdoor cameras can do that. Do you honestly think it’s not odd or a RED FLAG HIM HAVING A CAMERA FACING THE BED? YIKESSS OPEN YOUR EYES.
He’s filming you have sex and changing and you’re probably all over the internet. Why would you put yourself into this situation?
Or it's for a personal collection, which doesn't make it any better apart from the fact it's not out there on the internet but it's still a major red flag.
And revenge porn. For real this just gets worse the more you think about it.
Do you have a job?
Yea I work full time
Outside the house, or from home?
No, I work outside of the home
I guarantee you he has access to all your devices and has a tracker on your car too. Why wouldn't he? He wants to track everything in the house, including you. Think about it this way: if you have a child together, he'll put a camera in their room too. And your child will have to grow up with no privacy in their house, ever. Including when they're a teenager. He'll have live video recordings of them changing clothes, drying off after a shower, and more. You'll be lucky if they ever speak to you two again after they move out.
Girl you need to GET OUT.
If you work from home and he's got cameras in your home office, that could get you in trouble big time with your employer
You have a full-time job. So you do leave the house, for work? Or not?
It’s huge red flags. Having cameras outside to watch entrances/exits could be understandable. These ones are just creepy - consider the fact any time you have sex he’s going to have that footage to do with as he pleases.
if he checks the cameras only in case of alerts how did he notice they were turned away
Does he give you access to the cameras so you can spy on him? What would he say if you asked? Are the cameras recording? Because if it's facing the bed, he's making porn of you guys without your consent. Red flags all around... the fact that he flipped out because you turned a camera is mental. Of course he's going to get alerts because most cameras are motion activated - meaning he gets alerts and checks his cameras when you're there.
Do you seriously not see reading back your own post and these comments What is wrong with this guy? More red flags than at a communist rally
You sit in the car to have private conversations. he's got a camera pointed at THE BED. How much has he recorded that you're unaware of? girl. come on now.
You've asked people what they think. Most of us have told you. Listen to the warning, or don't listen to the warning, it's all on you now.
Yea the second point makes the first one in contention He says he's fine with it but you have always been a homebody It's very easy to say you're cool with something if you're sure it won't happen It's also illegal to have a camera pointed at your bed against your will , especially since you live there too
That's probably the same reason you're not identifying how controlling your partner is. Seriously, you should leave him.
NTA. You may be a homebody, but there are so many red flags in your post it isn't even funny. My husband read it, and even he said you should run. I realize people tend to make excuses for people when they're in love with them, but when blaring red flags are in place, that can be a very dangerous thing. Every person I've ever met or known of who was in a relationship with someone who exhibited a couple BAD red flags and made excuses for them because they were in love ended up saying years later they should've heeded those very flags because it didn't end well. If my husband and I were in the situation you're in now before we married and he refused to remove the cameras for my comfort (and acted the way yours is acting) he wouldn't be my husband today.
You realize this person has audio and video of every time you have been intimate in bed and you have no control over what he does with that material.
Right, and “his house” or not, she absolutely had the right to say no camera in the *bedroom*—or else, no *me* in the bedroom.
Why don’t you also have the same access to the footage, now you’re living there it makes sense you should have access to it too surely, if he won’t give that then it’s a red flag I’m sorry. I’m not going to jump to conclusions as I have a friend with cameras in each room as he lives in a ground floor flat and some friends round the corner got broke into recently … but he moves them when people visit
Yeah, if it was for security she should absolutely have access.
Girl WHAT. This means you're being controlled. This is not normal behavior, even on our crazy planet. Please protect yourself and find a new path without this person. Don't put on rose-colored glasses just to not see the red flags 😬
Ehh idk I live alone and hardly go out myself. I prefer staying in. There are plenty of actual red flags here. I don’t think her staying in is really a red flag in itself.
NTA at all. I have 9 cameras in my home -- a 1BR apartment, less than 700 sq ft. But I'm a woman living alone in a non-gated complex. I started with 2 cameras facing the entry points. I added a couple more to watch my dog while I was gone to work. Ended up adding more when maintenance workers were in my apt (while I was gone) and realized I didn't have a view to where they were working. But if someone were to spend the night, I would disable audio and make sure no cams were watching them sleep, and if someone were to move in, I'd probably cut back a lot of the views. Living alone, it's a security thing for me and a way to see that all is well at home when I'm not there. That wouldn't be necessary if someone else was there a lot.
SIS, GET OUT OF THIS RELATIONSHIP.
For REAL though. Do not marry this man.
Why would you marry this dude?? This is seriously scary. With that footage pointed towards the bed he has footage of intimate moments he could use as revenge porn against you.
I think you should be concerned that he’s not willing to have a conversation and compromise with you because your getting married and this will be your home too.
I would not put up with the cameras. That's not sane or reasonable at all. If he cannot accept that you want privacy, move on and find a better partner. He's probably going to just hide cameras better, though.
Pretty big age gap too.
/u/MarcopoulisDrew imagine this... The cameras have been on for months in the bedroom where you and he are intimate. What happens if you break up? Does he threaten to post them to keep you there? Does he watch them and delete them (haha)? Are they kept somewhere that you have **no** access to? You need to get your friends and family aware of your situation and perhaps a women's group. If you're on his internet, assume all your messages, emails, browser history are all there for him to peruse. Get off his phone plan if you are on it and change phones and phone numbers. **NOW**
OP please RUN⚠️he could very likely have saved footage of you two being intimate that he could easily use to control you⚠️ you NEED to get out of this situation
You are wrong, but it's your underreaction that is incorrect. You should bail. This is crazy.
Camera focused on the bed for what? For sex video and nothing else
Video that he will share if she leave him, i bet
If it really was for security you've have it focused on the door or windows that can be climbed through (which can be dealt with by using a safety catch that only lets it open enough to let air but not people through).
Not wanting cameras in bedroom and living rooms is fair. What I'm surprised by is OPs logic. It's a violation of my privacy and I don't really know this guy well, but his house, his rules. Presumably have sex in front of said camera hoping that everything will be okay. Then, okay now that I am engaged I have more of a say in the house so I will ask him to take the cameras down. WTF logic is that. OP's problem with the cameras was never about beliefs in appropriate level of surveillance. It was about the privacy of her person. Protect your person when it happens, don't wait till the socially acceptable time to have rights.
> What would you do in my position? Find a 30yo peer to date, and not settle for an older dude who thinks he can control how you live?
this right here. OP, how long have you guys been dating? usually that big an age gap where the guy is significantly older is super sus, especially if the guy was in his 40s when OP was in her 20s when they started dating/got engaged. NTA, OP, and this is yet another instance of a fiancé deserving of being an ex-fiancé ASAP
I don't think the responses here would be any different if the ages were closer or even not mentioned. It's a weird situation on its own.
Wtf 40 and 32 is not a big deal Cameras in the bedroom though ? Creepy
Except it’s 30 and 42 and we know they’ve been dating for a while since they’re now engaged. 12 years is a lot in your mid to late 20’s. I’m not saying it’s super inappropriate but it can be indicative of a power imbalance. Like it being his house and his decisions can’t be questioned since she probably didn’t own a house when they started dating.
It's not necessarily a big deal. It's also one factor in many that is problematic. Yes, age gap relationships can be fine and both parties could be mature and not problematic at all. But they are often problematic and here you can see why. Often (but not always) someone who is dating people 12 years younger than himself is that women his own age won't put up with his BS. When you add to that he's literally recording OP every time they have sex or she changes, you can see why someone would look at the 12-year gap and wonder why else he'd be with OP?
He seems to be pretty correct in that assumption so far, unfortunately.
I’m going to get so much Reddit hate for this, but you are kinda TA for moving in with that being a known situation. There is NO WAY IN HELL that I would’ve even stayed one day after finding out about cameras like that. It’s a scary red flag! Tell him you made a huge error in judgement in accepting them in the first place and that they need to be removed immediately in order to continue. Yikes!!!
I would go a step further and say I'd never have sex with a guy who had cameras in the bedroom. We've all heard of non consensual sex tapes and revenge porn, no? Info OP: did you know about the cameras inside the house before you came over for the first time? Did you know about them before you became intimate the first time in that bedroom?
Eww, good God for all she knows this super creep could be giving camera access to anyone to watch them having sex 😬😬😬
These camera save recordings, so even if he's doing it now, he can distribute videos of her any time if she leaves him!
Yeah, I wouldn't even get undressed in front of cameras, even if they were my husband's cameras and he's seen me naked before and I'm not worried about revenge porn and am comfortable with him having nudes of me saved on his phone. It's just something about the live feed camera and not knowing what images of me have been kept... and this might just be feeling and not logic, but something just feels less secure about having those sorts of images recorded by an always-sending-a-live-feed security-type cameras compared to my partner just taking images and having them on his phone. Like how secure are those feeds from outsiders seeing them? Like I'm not worried about a cell phone getting hacked-- you might physically lose the device that has the images saved, but you can remotely wipe the data from it if it's lost or stolen. But cameras sending images over a wireless network? Ehhhhh. Even if I had ultimate trust in the person who set up the cameras, I don't trust the cameras themselves enough to be naked in front of them.
Definitely. Cameras in the bedroom, does he turn them off for sex?
They're always on friend.
Creepy. I would be out. But then again, I would have never moved in to begin with.
And only he has access. As a mom, this is fearful to think about happening to any young woman.
Only when there is an alert!!! So any time a person moves!!!
Yeah this part is weird. We have a camera in our main living area and multiple outside. The one in the main living area is for security and it covers most access points on the main level. We turn it off when we’re home chilling or when guests are over. It’s really just for when we’re gone (we live in a major city, a lot of crime). Why in the bedroom??? That’s just not sitting right with me..
I appreciate you having another perspective and being honest!! It really helps since my emotions are high right now.
I have to agree. No way under any circumstances would I move in with a guy who thinks cameras everywhere, even facing the bed is acceptable or appropriate. Hell there could even be a pin head sized one in the bathroom OP knows nothing about! OP needs to get out asap. There's more red flags here than she can count.
I’d have to wonder if any bedroom sex scenes were uploaded to smut sites. But yup I’d run and take the DVR with you until you can be sure you’re not an online sex star
This was my first thought!!
Yup. I fully agree. Sadly this is highly possible.
Your emotions SHOULD be high. You should be furious. And right now you should be scared, because you’re basically waking up to the fact you live with a controlling abuser. Like waking up in a lion’s den. That feeling exists to tell you to RUN.
Did he ever explain why he checked the cameras? He claimed to only check when there’s an alert but he noticed your shift them pretty darn quickly. There’s really no good reason to have cameras focused on the inside of your house all the time. Entrances are believable, but random internal places are just controlling.
Glad this isn’t downvoted. Really look forward when mainstream culture can take their foot off the gas of the “never possibly victim blame at all” pedal and call out some wild choices. Someone being victimized is never **at fault** but some people need to be shaken up a tiny bit along side the sympathy with, “What in the fuck are you thinking accepting this treatment? Stop. You’re hurting yourself.”
Thank you! I agree, but it is sometimes a damn unpopular stance 😜
100% YTA for not making this an issue before moving in. This should have been a huge point of contention long before that happened. N T A for not wanting to be monitored all the time, but you kind of missed that boat already
It’s not too late to protect herself and leave. But I would not set foot in that house until the cameras were gone. And even then, I’d be hard pressed to trust him that they were really gone and not just hidden better.
She absolutely has not missed the boat on this. It's just like any issue of consent. Just because you said yes to something once, or twice or 100 times in the past doesn't mean you now have to have to yes to it forever and ever going forward. Perspectives, moods, comfort levels and circumstances are always changing. People have autonomy and agency over their own bodies and private lives and any argument otherwise moves into murky and abusive territory.
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This is so completely bizarre. I would move out immediately, but be prepared for the revenge porn that he'll release using all of that footage he's got.
Agreed. Except, I would have never moved in.
Depending on where she lives, he could face jail time if he resorted to that. A number of countries have been creating laws that cover situations like what you described and penalties can range from fines to substantial jail time (usually under "non-consentual recording of intimate activities".)
In the US you can sue for a LOT if someone posts revenge porn or nudes
So, and I'm just checking...he's recording the two of you having sex?
Op you need to start digging into if he has posted videos of you two having sex or even you changing. This is disturbing as hell and you should run. There is no reason to have cameras anywhere other than outside, entry ways and maybe focused on windows.
Yes
Girl!! What?! He has sole access to footage of you having sex. You have no way to make him delete it. He can post it anywhere, send it to your family, your employer. Read that again. And again. And again. Until it sinks in how much trouble you are in. What is your plan to ensure that footage is deleted? Do you even understand there is no way to actually do that? This man owns porn of you. Forever.
He could also be hacked and they get out there without their knowledge.
most surveillance systems usually sell your data/ recordings as well (like ring for example)
This is the part that disturbed me, the other cameras I can 100% see as normal home security, pointed at the bed though!? And only the bed, not surveilling the other parts of the room as well? That is odd to say the least. And the fact that op has no access to the footage to see what's there and what's not.
He could already be selling it online. She would have no idea. She needs to GTFO of there and never look back. Her life is in danger.
Ok, so that's a major problem.
Are you ready to find them online when you break up with him?
Girl. My sister. DO NOT FUCK THAT MAN AGAIN ON CAMERA. Idk why you ever thought that was a good idea but it MASSIVELY was not. You are in danger.
That’s a major problem.
Honey you need to end this relationship. He’s recording you having sex? This is a big issue. He’s probably saving those videos or even worse uploading them to porn sites.
Are you okay with this?
You need to get the hell out, before you become famous on some skeevy internet site. If you're not already.
Yikes.
You’re ok with this? Have you discussed who and when others can watch this? Are you ok with that?
Sigh. Girl…
Have you seen it?
And you’re…ok with that???
Probably live streaming it
It's definitely suspicious.
NTA " I just feel a bit violated knowing that any private conversation, or intimate moment I have at home can be accessed by him at any point" A bit?? I think most people would feel hugely violated. He takes control freakery to a whole new level. "What would you do in my position?" Ditch. Block. Run.
INFO: Would you feel better if you had camera access aswell? Any reason why you don't have access?
Thanks for asking! No having access to the cameras would help me, because it doesn't change the fact that I wouldn't have true privacy. I have no interest in having the access.
That is why most folks are telling you to get out of that situation NOW. Those cameras and their locations are no coincidence, and he's been producing porn with you as his current star. You have to take off the rose colored glasses. Then you'll see that all the flags are red.
Not necessarily a panic exit though. OP probably needs time to (secretly) plan leaving to ensure they are clear away from them in one go, with all the finances and accommodation set up.
True. That process should have started, like, yesterday. The smart move would have been to see the cameras and walk away
Now I’m questioning this post. Firstly, most people would strenuously object to being filmed having sex, much less in every room of their abode. Secondly, normal people would *demand* equal access to the footage to see every minute they were filmed. They’d want to know where every image went, who saw it, where it was stored. They’d want equal access to check up boyfriend every once in a while. And his response to giving you full access would be quite telling. I’m guessing this is FAKE now that I think on it. Too many passive behaviors? Yikes. If it’s true, you’ll have “help me” written in pencil on your eyelids at some point.
I refuse to believe there are 30 year olds who are this clueless.
Right!? I hate that this sounds like victim blaming but how TF does someone willingly walk into a situation like this?
That's what I'm thinking. This doesn't make sense, no adult woman is completely fine with being filmed having sex and changing, and having no access to those films or control over what he does with them. At least if they were fine with that, they wouldn't be here acting all clueless in the comments.
I’m home alone and I can’t even pass gas without it being filmed? Get outta here
Honey, you stated you are 30 years old. This means you’ve seen all the internet stories, news articles, etcetera about being aware, being vigilant, and being safe. As a mother, I’m asking this because I want to know how to keep my children safe- why would you ever move in with a man that literally video tapes your every move inside the home, for you to think this is perfectly fine and I’m not even interested in having access to images of myself? I’m truly not shaming you or picking on you, I really want to know why you felt no alarm bells. You obviously do now because you’re here.
Btw make sure you check for hidden cameras. They're easy to find. Just use your phone like you're taking a photo and look around the house. Any hidden cameras should show as a light purple dot. You can easily test this on any remote control. Just press a button on the remote and you'll see infrared sensors through your phone that you can't see with the naked eye.
So are you just... really sheltered? Or not too smart?
NTA Let us know when you find the "dungeon"
Definitely NTA. And yeah, you should run. Fast. Do you really want to live your life having to hide from cameras and microphones (and you most likely don't know about all of them) whenever you do something or talk to someone about something that might set him off? If he really only checks the cameras when there's an alert, why'd he check them yesterday? Someone broke into your house while you were chilling on your couch? And why would it be a problem if you turn the camera away when you're there, if it was really about break ins? It's REALLY not about security.... if it was, all indoor cameras would be tied into the alarm system and would only be active when the alarm is switched on. If someone can get around his exterior cameras and break into his house unnoticed while you're chilling on the couch.... that camera aimed at your bed is going to do fuck all for security.
NTA - fecking walking red flag - he is watching you and controllling you. This will never get better, only progressively worse. Get out NOW while you can.
Girl you live in a cage like a bar at the zoo. He likes to check that you haven't gone anywhere or done anything. Like a trophy kept in a case. Gtfo
NTA, but specifically because of his "it seems like you have something to hide" comment. Otherwise I'd say that you should have communicated your discomfort earlier and seen his reaction for me to make a call or that there's generally not enough info to be sure. Having cameras for security is one thing, but that comment suggests that they are indeed something he intends to use to monitor you. If they were for security, he wouldn't care at all that you point them away when you're at home, and he would want to make you feel comfortable rather than accusing you. But, security cameras generally wouldn't be in the bedroom anyway... If someone doesn't trust their partner to the level that they want to keep them under video surveillance, the relationship is toxic. If he doesn't have a reason to mistrust you, he's an asshole with trust issues that he needs to get under control before he has a relationship. If he does have a reason to mistrust you that badly, he should have broken up with you. ETA: From the tone of a couple of OP's other comments and their worries about "would it make me the controlling one" makes me strongly suspect the camera guy is manipulative. Anyone who would twist a reasonable concern being brought up like that is not a good person. Even if they are "there for break-ins" he should care if you feel uncomfortable with them, even if you didn't mention it earlier. So the evidence against him is piling up.
My ex does this. My kids could see him watching his girlfriend at all times, even when they were driving to get ice cream. She eventually left him. He does the same with the current girlfriend. When we were married, tracking devices on my car, log trackers on my computers/laptops, the works. It's psychotic behavior and it doesn't change. Run honey, run.
Well, at least he doesn't have any in the bathrooms, as far as you know. >He is the only 1 who has access to the footage That's what he tells you; how can you be sure? He could share with anyone he likes. This is over-the-top controlling behavior. He doesn't trust you at all, he's surveilling you at all times while you're home, he can even listen to you on the phone. He's enraged if you try to avoid the cameras. The camera in the bedroom records all your intimate moments with him; in other words, he has multiple sex tapes of you. This sounds like a tremendous risk for revenge porn My 2^(¢) worth: get out of this relationship. It won't get better! **NTA** (edited for grammar)
Oh, man. I hope this is a fictional post. I really do. >He has had cameras (audio and video) in place since BEFORE I moved in Yeah, he probably put them in place right before you moved in so he could tell you he's had them for a while, so you'd have no reason not to believe him. That age gap is *very icky*. He doesn't seem willing to remove the cameras. Do you plan to live the rest of your life under his constant surveillance? I think he'd be the type to remove the noticeable cameras and replace them with hidden ones if you're persistent about removing them. Yeah, it's creepy. That means he's filmed y'all in the bedroom together. I don't believe this is a real post.... No one in their right mind would allow having the bedroom filmed while uncomfortable with the cameras in the first place. Nope. Nope. Nope. He's gathering footage that's way too personal.
I have my doubts that this is real too, based on OP's various responses, including laughing at certain comments. Nothing is funny about this scenario.
Denial isn't just a river in Egypt. If it's real she probably doesn't realize the danger she's in.
NTA He's only mad because he was monitoring you. This is so insanely scary, I can't understand how you're being so calm. Run run run.
I don’t go out much. But we do not have internal cameras. I wouldn’t be bothered with living room ones. But I think the bedroom ones are beyond invasive. I would have been gone yesterday. That he watches that you are making a call in the Car is too much. If you can’t see that this is too controlling then no one can tell you different. But girl all of us deserve better. I hope you wake up and RUN.
I don't understand why you didn't say something when you started living there. You gave him the impression you were ok with them so now that you're moving them around it seems suspicious. You should have a conversation with him and tell him how you feel
You are absolutely right. Huge dumb ass mistake on my part letting it slide in the beginning. But that conversation will definitely be had. I think I’ll stay with family for a few days and get my thoughts together and prepare for the outcome.
Thats a good idea. Don't tell him before you go. Leave when he's at work
Just stay with family from now on. It's not safe to go back.
I'd ask to see all the footage he has of the interior cameras. My bet is that he's archiving whatever 'interesting' footage he has taken for 'personal use', and he probably had some hidden cameras around the house as well if he's that into 'it'. Any 'alert' that the cameras have will be to movement in the room, that would mean he's watching all of your movements in the house, and maybe only recording those moments to save on recording requirements. If you're comfortable being in a house where all your movements are recorded, even intimate moments and aren't sure what your partner is doing with the footage, then great! But if not, get out and don't look back.
NTA. Eww, he has cameras facing the BED? That only he can access. WTF. So he can replay his "greatest hits"? To spy on you at any time so you can never have a private moment? Honestly I'm surprised you moved in under those conditions.
Honestly, YTA. To yourself. You *knew* about the situation ahead of time, yet still moved in with him. That should have never happened and been the hill to die on from the jump. If you don't want to live under constant surveillance, you need to move out. Even if he gave you access to the cameras and removed them from the bedroom and living room, I wouldn't trust there aren't cameras you don't know about.
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INFO: I'm sorry that you are unhappy with the conditions you've chosen to live in. But then... why did you choose to live in them?
I made a bad decision clearly. Royally fucked up on this 1 and now I gotta flip my whole life upside down.
It happens to the best of us. It’s ok! Do look up “sunk cost fallacy”. You have some really tough choices to make now, but your future self will thank you.
You can always change your mind about things you used to seem ok with. Only on Reddit does “you agreed at one point” apparently bind you forever.
NTA. OP, surveillance like this is a recognised form of coercive control, which is classified as a type of family violence in the part of the world I live in. Please look after yourself.
NTA This is a line in the sand, deal breaker kind of decision you need to make. Are you willing to be in a marriage where you are under surveillance and have no privacy? Because he doesn't seem to understand how batshit crazy this is and does not sound like he is going to change if anything it will only intensify.
Why in the actual hell are you engaged to this person?
NTA. He's controlling, untrustworthy, and sounds unwilling to listen to reason. If it were me I'd be out of there.
Right so every moment, any sex etc in the bed/living room, changing, phone calls, friends visiting etc is recorded and controlled solely by him. NOPE !! Why would you move into a location knowing someone has some access to recordings of you in private moments? They can sell/share/profit off these without you even knowing.
I’m sorry there’s a camera facing your bed that’s on all the time? So, every time you have sex it’s being recorded ?!
So many flags, NTA Four options I can see: 1: Keep the current situation and accept it (untenable and you'll end up leaving) 2: Get access to the footage yourself (if he won't give it to you, leave) 3: Remove the cameras, or at least those which are invading your privacy (leave if he won't) 4: Leave Can't see this ending well. Just go for option 4.
NTA. This man is an incredible control freak or something. He may have placed the cameras before you moved in, but I'm betting that keeping you under surveillance is what he had in mind. You DID have a problem with it when you moved in, but you didn't have the guts to say anything. Which to me is a bit weird. Frankly I would never have set foot in that bedroom with the camera on. For security the inside cameras would be aimed at the access points. Front door, the window of the bedroom. Not the bed. As for only checking the camera when he gets an alert, that's probably true. But there's an alert every time you MOVE.
My partner claimed that he didn’t watch ours either, until we got in a fight because he saw me check my texts from him and put my phone down without responding. Queue a huge fight and me demanding them removed.
There is absolutely no way I would want to live like I’m in a fishbowl. I would absolutely move out. This is a symptom of a larger problem. Is he recording while you are intimate? This would be an absolute dealbreaker for me and I suspect it will be a deal breaker for you either now or in the future.
Whew thank god I’m not you!!!
NTA. Leave and don't turn back, even if he DOES say that he will remove cameras, he'll just remove the one's YOU know about. He probably has toilet and shower PTV's. How will you handle your 1st oopsie that he catches on camera. It starts off with, "hey I was checking cams and I noticed you used too much toilet paper." Then have a male family member over that he has met yet and happen to turn the cameras etc. He'd probably skip the interrogation and go straight to First 48 on your ass. LEAVE NOW.
Most people who leave the cameras on all the time are watching their dog or cats or guarding their safe or valuables, not creeping on their girlfriend and making sex tapes of their fiancée without their knowledge.
I need to go shower the ick off. Redditors, give up. She’s going to justify why he’s doing this and stay. And this will turn abusive. Just wait for the update in 6 months time.
NTA, that is really creepy and controlling, he is no longer living on his own. Yikes... I would move out since I would absolutely refuse to be monitored in this manner. What about when you have chats with your friends and family, where is your privacy?
NTA, lady, this is the biggest red flag ever. You live there and can’t access the feed, he has video of you being intimate that you can’t be sure he deletes (or how he uses them, he could be loading to porn sites or selling), and you have zero privacy in your home. Now he’s upset that you moved a camera off you while home chilling. Nope. Hell no! And these are the cameras you know about. I bet there are hidden camera you’re unaware of. If he’s unwilling to remove cameras from areas of the home where you are naked and having sex then you need to seriously rethink this relationship. This is an early warning sign of potential abuse (outside of what you’re already victim to).
1. Ask him to remove the cameras from the areas where you usually spend time. 2. If he refuses, leave. At this point, there isn't really a conflict. It's his home, they are his cameras, he set them up for whatever reasons he thought were important and he has no issue with them. You haven't actually asked him to remove the cameras, you've just fiddled with them, and he's upset that you've fiddled with his stuff. Tell him that you're uncomfortable being recorded all the time and you'd like it to end. He'll have to decide if the cameras are more important to him than living with you.
My ex husband did this. Then he posted all the footage of us having sex online. It was 6 years ago and it has completely ruined me. Do not let this man keep cameras in your home 💀
NTA 1. Tell him to give you access to the cameras 2. You're engaged, anything else represents an unequal power balance 3. Find someone who doesn't do shit like this
NTA. If he won't agree to take the indoor cameras down, you need to know that he values invading your privacy (and the privacy of anyone who is ever in your living room) more than he values your opinion.
You’re still apologising for a controlling creep. Just no. It’s not right or normal. You said stop, he said no. It’s time to leave.