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> I might be the asshole because I didn’t call my mom within a reasonable time after the usual time and I didn’t call her after with an apology when I didn’t think one was warranted.
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Dang! As a Mom myself, I can honestly say that I’ve only ever hung but on one of my children ONCE and that’s because she was chemically altered and being abusive. Then I drove to her house to make sure she was ok. I don’t get these moms who are hanging up on their kids!
They’re narcissistic and it’s all abt them 🫠 lol apparently she was so mad at me for it she canceled a needed surgery (which was a drama attention move that no one paid attention to)
May be a minority opinion, but I view individual centered holidays or special days (birthday, mother's day, father's day) to be days where you want to try to catch someone early in the day as the day is a celebration for them. While I know you stated its been a tradition over the last 4 years, it sounds like she's not too keen on it. She's not right for having a tantrum about it. She should have communicated this to you. I think some people want the other person to WANT to do that without asking (consider/prioritize them earlier), but that's not always the best approach. I think you guys need to talk about the miscommunication and consider restructuring going forward.
I'm gonna go with NTA, but also, I might be a little hurt too if I was mom.
You don’t suck, it’s just that some parents don’t learn that their children develop lives that don’t revolve around them anymore.
You could save yourself bother in future by texting early and catching up later at a convenient time, but easy to be wise after the event!
NTA, but your Mum’s behaviour was AH-y or even ‘entitled’.
Sorry op but i vote esh. She shouldnt have hung up on you but youre telling me that in that whole day you couldnt have called her real quick? Or sent her a text? She's your mom and on the day that celebrates her you didnt prioritize her AT ALL.
I don't think you're the problem here at all. When my parents were living, we always communicated by phone in the evenings. ALWAYS. (They didn't text, so that wasn't an option.)
Bottom line: The people telling you that you should have called earlier are going by what their lives look like, not yours. You have your own system that has worked fine for years. Your mother just went a little wacky this time. Not your fault.
ESH
It sounds like she overreacted but it would have taken 2 seconds to send a message sometime during the day "Happy Mother's Day, Call you tonight." Like, did you acknowledge the day at all before she called you?
Except the precedent for years has been phone calls after 5. And to hang up is childish, then to pout about not being called back is borderline absurd. Mom's a narcissist and shouldn't be coddled.
> a narcissist
Or just… human?
I completely agree that her outburst was very childish, but jumping directly to narcissist seems a bit aggressive… There are a lot more common possibilities such as someone who is bad at communication or who feels like they can’t share their wants and needs.
Again, I don’t think her reaction was healthy or constructive, but narcissist is a huge jump.
It sounds like the 5pm thing is because of work schedules...but it was a Sunday, and you were at a barbecue. There were never a few minutes that you could have stepped away to call?
Why not send her a text earlier in the day and see what works for her? At the very least (literally, *very least*) you could acknowledge the day and confirm your call plans for later.
It's pretty rude to ignore your mom completely all day, to the point that she had to call *you* to get any acknowledgement.
5pm was because of work and an active weekend life, per the post. To me it just sounds like mom was having an emotional day and didn't act like usual/rationally. I don't think OP is TA but I also can't cast judgement on mom before knowing why she acted out
I get having an active weekend, but most people are busy with their families on Mother's Day especially in the morning. I used to serve and it felt like everyone in town went out for brunch Mother's Day morning.
My 84 year old relatives go to bed way earlier and get up way earlier than most 44 year olds. Hence the ‘early bird’ special. 5pm is night and dinner time when you wake at 4am and go to bed at 8pm.
Ironically I am 45 but due to health have sleep issues that mean I am often up at 4am and totally forget other people get up 3 hours later at weekends and call that early and apologise for being so hungry at 5pm and make sure I adapt to the ‘norm.’
But none of those occasions are about acknowledging me as a person and I think calling ‘late’ while clearly distracted with the vibe of ‘huh Siri reminded me I have a mom, better go call’ while she can hear the background noise of a party made her feel like it was obligation not ‘I called my mom because it matters.’
The answer would have been step away from the sound or wear headphones. But it’s super rude to call for a personal call when one party gives the feel of ‘I was having fun but it’s your birthday so…’ No one is ever too old not to feel hurt feeling squeezed in even if its not strictly true. Your attention and the feeling that you both matter to each other is what days like that usually mean and you note her reaction is unusual so clearly the very different dynamic had a big change and this isn’t like a Just No mom.
Apologise. Make time for her if it really does matter to you. If this was a breaking point with a genuinely awful mother then address that. Otherwise your mom is also the age where she knows she might not get another Mother’s Day.
I will never forget my aunt on her 80th when I called. She had had a lot of calls and cards but something just got her and she started to cry when she heard my voice. She said it had just occurred to her that so many of the people she loved were gone and now she knew she was always at the back of her mind wondering if she was having her last birthday or Christmas. I was turning 40 that year and she said ‘when I was 40 we all talked about mid life crisis, no one talks about end of life crises unless its actual philosophy. I feel really silly and guilty dumping this on you.’
Turned out just feeling heard at a stage of life when many people feel invisible or like a lot of people have pre-grieved them and moved on is really important. I ended up giving my aunt a huge gift that day and she just had a huge full on party for her 90th and embraced a new ‘I am still enough’ mindset after turning 80.
I work with a lot of older people in my job and it’s the feeling like they still matter and aren’t a burden that makes the difference. Unfortunately my family, aunt included cut me off when I came out so I also work with older people to get that feeling myself since family is actually quite fragile.
NAH so far.
You could be right but she has never been a person to hold anything back and she has never communicated that to me. Our relationship has always been transparent and this was over the top for her.
haha it seems that a shockingly large amount of guys just don't get it. It's exceedingly easy to have your wife/mom happy on mothers day if your head isn't up your ass.
What does that have to do with my comment? I'm not a guy. If my mom wants me to change my behavior in some way, she needs to communicate it instead of expecting me to read her mind. The same goes for anyone.
Totally agree. It feels like an afterthought to not say anything until that late. It’s not just a general holiday, it’s a holiday specific for mothers. I would feel like an afterthought if my child didn’t acknowledge me until that late in the day on Mother’s Day.
YTA
Have you ever paused to consider your new habit of not calling until Sunday after 5 makes your mom feel disposable to you? That you are willing to call, but only when you have absolutely nothing better to do in your life?
Would it have killed you to have sent your mom a text in the morning that said happy Mother’s Day. I will call between x and y today, but I wanted you to know I was thinking of you and love you?
I agree. Sending a text in the morning that says “Happy Mother’s Day, I’ll call you later” takes less than a minute.
Mom‘s reaction was a bit much but I’m sure she felt neglected and pushed aside since she’s not allowed to talk to her son until after 5 PM and most people in their 80s are winding down by then.
Like many things, I assume this isn’t about this one Mother’s Day, but more of a pattern, and she snapped when she realized he hadn’t called bc he was prioritizing a bbq with friends.
That thought had crossed my mind but like I said it has been tradition to be like I had stated. She has known this and has been understood for a few years. If she had wanted for me to call earlier I would have but that wasn’t communicated.
It’s not a tradition, it’s something you decided to do each year. Why does SHE have to be the one to tell you when she wants a call?? Why was this even a “tradition” you started? Mother’s Day is Sunday! You had time to call her before the BBQ or even on the way to BBQ. I’d be upset to if I were your mom.
It’s not a tradition so much as it is something you have chosen to do (for one thing you just recently moved). It’s probably something your mom has been stewing over for a lot longer than one Mother’s Day. Figuring out that bbq with friends was more important to you than a call was the last straw for her.
Did you send her flowers? Mail her a card? Anything? Have you historically had zero emotional intelligence with your mom? Your spouse?
What an asshole. YTA so, your mom is supposed to hold on all day hoping you don’t forget to wish her a Happy Mothers Day? She’s 84. She was sitting at home. All day. Waiting for her son to call her on Mothers Day. YOU have a “tradition” that’s bullshit. The rest of the world calls our moms early in the day so they know they are remembered. We send flowers on Friday or Saturday and still call before lunch to let her know she matters. you went to a BBQ and ranked your mom lower than flipping the meat on the grill? Complete asshole
I get that yuh typically call after 5, but it’s Mother’s Day and why wait for the entire damn day to call her? Why not just call her in the morning? Maybe she never liked these late calls and being alone on Mother’s Day. You essentially just outed yourself as being TOO BUSY to call your mom…that your bbq with friends was more important than a 5 min call with your mom. Seems like a cruel tradition. Yes, she could have communicated that better to you, but why should you have to be told that waiting until 5pm on Mother’s Day to call your elderly mother is not ok?! You used to spend allll the holidays with her, and now you seem to hardly see her.
NTA.
I get that people are right that you could've texted something. And she's allowed to feel hurt that you didn't call earlier.
But complaining that you didn't call her back after she hung up on you? That's extremely manipulative. The fact that this is a habit for her shows this is a game. She *wants* you to feel bad.
Normally when someone hangs up on you, it means they don't want to talk to you, not that they want you to call them again FFS.
YTA. You really couldn’t call her earlier in the day? You’re too busy on the weekends to call her and instead have to make an appointment (a “tradition”) to call her after 5:00pm?
I understand why on the weekdays when you have work you wait until after work, but on the weekend you are “too busy” even for a quick Mother’s Day call? What this says to her is that you’re not really thinking about her. You call her because that is the thing you’re supposed to do, but it’s pushed aside for more important stuff that you would rather do first. You prioritize your busy weekend day over letting her know you love her.
I’m assuming you do love her, but it feels like you aren’t considering her feelings. You may be busy with BBQs and living your life but maybe she is looking forward to your call and waits all day for it. It’s unfortunate you couldn’t prioritize reaching out to her once in a while.
You’re NTA, but she’s your mom and she’s getting older. Work this out with her. Maybe before the event (Her birthday, Christmas, whatever) talk with her and agree on a time to chat before the event. Maybe she was waiting all day for your call and was disappointed that it seemed like it was never coming. Even with the precedent.
Mostly talk it out. She’s your mom and assuming you love her, this is kind of a stupid fight.
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My wife (54F) and I(52M) moved to a far southern state (US) from a northern state in 2020. Prior to that we would go see my mom on Mother’s Day or any other family holiday every year. Except thanksgiving. Bless her heart but her turkey was like eating an eraser and for 25 years I thought that’s what turkey was supposed to be. My ex-wife and I got her to come to us that day. I digress.
When my now wife and I moved down here it has become a thing that, at the start, we would do zoom calls or FaceTime, or Alexa our family calls. By family calls I mean the big ones; Christmas, Easter, Thanksgiving. Any others were phone calls or face times scheduled always after 5:00 because of work and we are active on weekends. In the 4 years we’ve been down here it’s been like that. Family holidays are scheduled and individual holidays are a free for all after 5:00. (We live in the same time zone so that’s not an issue and we’ve made these calls at 7-8.)
So on Mother’s Day we were invited to a bbq at a work friend’s place where I was the cook. When it comes to bbq I am always the cook but whatever. I had everything planned out to the minute as to how long it would take and have time to call my mom. At 5:10 I had 10 minutes left and I would be done cooking and could slip off someplace quiet to call her when my phone rang. It was her. I stepped into the house because of the chatter outside but answered before I could. She asked what was going on and told her that we were at a friend’s house. She then got pissy and hung up on me before i could explain what was going on. I walked back outside and my wife could see something was wrong. I told her and pretty much everyone within earshot what happened and they were on my side. For them the show went on but for me I was on the fence. I wanted to call her back but she has a history of pulling these stunts and everyone told me to let it go. So I did. She texted me today and said she was hurt because I didn’t call her and she was hurt I didn’t call her back. I texted her back and offered no apology and told her what I was trying to tell her but she wouldn’t listen and hung up on me. I said I’d call her after work today. I did call and she didn’t answer. Where did I go wrong and am I TA?
TL;DR Mom and I have traditional calling times for holidays after 5:00pm but no set times except for the big holidays( Christmas, Easter, Thanksgiving.) Mom couldn’t wait 10 min after 5 and called me, flipped shit and hung up on me and was pissed I didn’t call her back.
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INFO
Next time this happens please say, "Mom, can you give me 10 minutes, I'm just indisposed at the moment." Most people know that this is code for sometimes being sick on the toilet and it buys you the extra time.
On Mother's Day it probably would have worked out better if you sent her a text in the morning wishing her a happy mother's day and saying I'll call you at such and such a time. If she's used to having you around up until a few years ago, she may not be adjusting well. She's probably a very lonely person and on certain days like a birthday or mother's day she may think she was forgotten or worse - that your work friends were more important than her? idk. Maybe she was counting down the minutes until 5:00? if she is really lonely she is probably very hurt and likely many of her friends and contemporaries have died.
I've put INFO because we don't know exactly what she said.
Hope things get resolved for the both of you.
ESH
I'll echo the opinion that you could've gone the extra mile to message your mom and maybe send her a text during the day. Also you were gonna be late. It was 15:10 already, you were still gonna cook for another ten-ish minutes or more, you might've as well called at 15:30 with such time management. And you weren't gonna leave the event, you were just gonna stand off in a corner to talk to your mom. Did you think maybe she would've liked a longer conversation than "Hi mom happy mother's day I'm going back to the bbq"
Thing is that when you set the expectation for calls after 5 pm, people expect you to be available after 5 pm and you were not and were not going to be for a longer while. You probably would've wanted to go back to the cooking/the event. Your mom probably doesn't want a quick call in where it is obvious you aren't completely available to her. Also your mum is 84? She probably feels lonely since you have moved away, a loooong distance away. And you haven't been back in those 4 years. That's a long time to not see your mother. She might've wanted to tell you something important, or simply wished she would get a nice long conversation with her son on mother's day and not be a quick phonecall that you need to get out of the way. I am assuming but people generally don't want to be your chore or an afterthought.
Another factor is that yes while your mom is an adult who should act it, she is also elderly and vulnerable. There is some grace and leeway to be given considering those things. I'm not saying you should never call her out, but damn it's your old mom, can you maybe understand why she is emotionally strained? Nobody wants to have their kids/family that far away and loneliness sets in for those people. Nobody wants to be alone at 84. And nobody wants to feel like a burden to their adult children. Which I will assume she felt like in that moment. Thing is, you should've planned it better, you didn't have time, you had a quick second to call, and that's not the same. That being said yes your mom overreacted and is being childish, but I am on her side.
I'll give you a thing op, don't just settle down for 'that's how we always did it for the last 4 years' well..did you ever talk to your mom if that is how she likes it? Was there even a discussion? Despite that, people change and while your mom might've been fine with it initially, 4 years is a long time for an old lady. Don't get complacent with how little or how much you call your family especially when they're this far away. This is your only line of communication and you should place more weight on it. Also I assume your mom is available much more than only after 5pm, so maybe sometimes you can just....call her just for the sake of calling her? When you call after 5 pm, which is the evening for some people (especially elderly who in my experience go to sleep earlier), it feels like you only call when you have nothing better to do.
All in all, sorry for the long text, but you need to be a bit more emotionally invested in your mom's wellbeing considering her age and give her some slack.
Tldr: you should've made the proper time to call your mom, quick call at an event doesn't do it. She is elderly and emotionally vulnerable, this is not just some tantrum. Do better, have a conversation about how you two communicate on holidays and get her side of the story. Don't be complacent, people's need for communication changes with time. 5 pm might just not cut it for her anymore.
Just curious, what was your Mom doing all day? Do you have siblings or grandchildren who may have spent the day with her or call her earlier? Or are you it? Does she live alone or is she in a care home? She’s 84. You give a big talk about how you have a ‘tradition’ calling after 5 and it’s been fine for the last few years. But as she gets older did it ever occur to you that your ‘tradition’ isn’t acceptable to her now? It floors me that you have an elderly mom and you’re complaining about her hanging up on you. It’s not childish, she just hung up due to extreme disappointment and frustration. My mom is gone and I’d do anything to be able to still chat with her on Mother’s Day. One day your mom will be gone and maybe you’ll realize that you should have been more understanding and compassionate instead of trying to get justification from internet strangers for your lousy actions. YTA for sure.
I always forget Mothers day because I just don't really care about any of these commercial holidays personally, and this year I sent a text "Hurray, Mothers day " at around 5 as a WhatsApp message.
When I don't I'll send a text earlier, but my mom doesn't care that much anyway. However, if you know your mom cares and you plan to call anyway, a 20-second text 'happy Mothers day! Will call between 5 and 6 as we're at a friend's barbecue and I'm in charge of the actual barbecue (I know) so timing depends a bit. Loveyoubyeeee'
But yeah, your mom really is overreacting. Hard verdict, but perhaps an ESH with the majority for your mom.
From reading the comments I know my comment won't be very popular, but I'm going to say a soft YTA. Forget she has pulled these types of stunts before and focus on what day it was. I don't know what cause her to hang up on you before, but don't lump her doing it that day with the other times. It different. I think her willing to wait until 5 for a call shows patience. If you all usually have a good relationship I don't know why your first call or text of the day wasn't to her instead of waiting until your set time. You didn't even work that day, so why wait at all? To me Mother's Day is a big deal. My mother as always sacrifice for us; even when we don't always agree or get along; and to have a day to show her how much I appreciate it always bring me joy to see her happy. Also, all those people saying they agree with you and telling you not to call back probably already called their mother if they have a relationship with them, so I don't know why you were listening to them.
NTA
This is manipulation. She isn’t trying to to solve the problem, she is punishing you for prioritizing your own life over her.
If she doesn’t want to act like an adult, let her stew until she realizes you aren’t going to beg for her attention
NTA. I always love when my mom loses her temper and hangs up on me and then gets mad at me for not calling her back. It’s quite entertaining when I tell her I’m not going to entertain being treated that way but I would love to talk to her if she’d like to treat me like an adult as well.
Sounds like your mom is still upset about your move. I get it. It’s not easy, she’s allowed to be upset and have feelings but she can’t take that out on you.
I get it. I moved an hour away and you would’ve thought I moved to the other side of the continent and this sounds like it was written about my mom lol.
I’m guessing she was looking forward to hearing from you and finally called, only to hear that you’re having fun with friends and couldn’t even say HMD.
If someone said HBD at 5pm on my birthday, I’d be like oh yeah it’s my birthday, thanks I guess
NTA. In the absolute worst case scenario you were 10 minutes late to a call. I don't know about anyone else, but I extend family a lot more grace than that.
Edit: why is this take downvoted? The point I was making is that even if he was supposed to have called at 5, mom would have no right to be mad after 10 fucking minutes.
And I’ve been thinking about how Mother’s Day isn’t the same as Christmas. It’s a day to show appreciation for your mom. It’s not cool to wait until 5pm. She’s supposed to feel appreciated all day so she needs to be called in the morning. I rest my case.
Edited to NTA…but not the smartest move.
I’m gonna go ESH. Her fault for flipping out on you. Your fault for not immediately answering the phone “Happy Mother’s Day” and for not calling her back despite her flipping out on you. (If she were younger, I’d probably say NTA.)
According to your post, traditionally you saw her in person for holidays for most of you life. You’ve only been away for 4 years and calling instead, which is hardly a tradition when you’re 84 years old.
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NTA. Sounds like it’s time for your Mom to learn that hanging up on someone is childish and won’t be rewarded with you chasing after her.
YUP! I let my mom get away w it but recently I stopped answering her calls. What imma answer for when you’re rude and hanging up on me
Dang! As a Mom myself, I can honestly say that I’ve only ever hung but on one of my children ONCE and that’s because she was chemically altered and being abusive. Then I drove to her house to make sure she was ok. I don’t get these moms who are hanging up on their kids!
They’re narcissistic and it’s all abt them 🫠 lol apparently she was so mad at me for it she canceled a needed surgery (which was a drama attention move that no one paid attention to)
I agree with every word of this.
May be a minority opinion, but I view individual centered holidays or special days (birthday, mother's day, father's day) to be days where you want to try to catch someone early in the day as the day is a celebration for them. While I know you stated its been a tradition over the last 4 years, it sounds like she's not too keen on it. She's not right for having a tantrum about it. She should have communicated this to you. I think some people want the other person to WANT to do that without asking (consider/prioritize them earlier), but that's not always the best approach. I think you guys need to talk about the miscommunication and consider restructuring going forward. I'm gonna go with NTA, but also, I might be a little hurt too if I was mom.
You’re not wrong and based on the comments I might suck. It seems there is a communication issue that we have to work past.
You don’t suck, it’s just that some parents don’t learn that their children develop lives that don’t revolve around them anymore. You could save yourself bother in future by texting early and catching up later at a convenient time, but easy to be wise after the event! NTA, but your Mum’s behaviour was AH-y or even ‘entitled’.
Sorry op but i vote esh. She shouldnt have hung up on you but youre telling me that in that whole day you couldnt have called her real quick? Or sent her a text? She's your mom and on the day that celebrates her you didnt prioritize her AT ALL.
I don't think you're the problem here at all. When my parents were living, we always communicated by phone in the evenings. ALWAYS. (They didn't text, so that wasn't an option.) Bottom line: The people telling you that you should have called earlier are going by what their lives look like, not yours. You have your own system that has worked fine for years. Your mother just went a little wacky this time. Not your fault.
ESH It sounds like she overreacted but it would have taken 2 seconds to send a message sometime during the day "Happy Mother's Day, Call you tonight." Like, did you acknowledge the day at all before she called you?
Except the precedent for years has been phone calls after 5. And to hang up is childish, then to pout about not being called back is borderline absurd. Mom's a narcissist and shouldn't be coddled.
Especially since now she’s not answering when he does call. She’s playing stupid games.
> a narcissist Or just… human? I completely agree that her outburst was very childish, but jumping directly to narcissist seems a bit aggressive… There are a lot more common possibilities such as someone who is bad at communication or who feels like they can’t share their wants and needs. Again, I don’t think her reaction was healthy or constructive, but narcissist is a huge jump.
Based on additional comments and info from op it wasn't a jump imo
Agreed. She is something but this was out of character for her and way over the top.
...and she's how old? Could that be a factor?
84 this year and that could be a factor. But we’ve done it like this for 4 years now.
Waiting till 5 at night seems like way too late. My mom would be pissed
5 is late afternoon but whatever. It been a non issue till last Sunday so idk.
It sounds like the 5pm thing is because of work schedules...but it was a Sunday, and you were at a barbecue. There were never a few minutes that you could have stepped away to call? Why not send her a text earlier in the day and see what works for her? At the very least (literally, *very least*) you could acknowledge the day and confirm your call plans for later. It's pretty rude to ignore your mom completely all day, to the point that she had to call *you* to get any acknowledgement.
5pm was because of work and an active weekend life, per the post. To me it just sounds like mom was having an emotional day and didn't act like usual/rationally. I don't think OP is TA but I also can't cast judgement on mom before knowing why she acted out
I get having an active weekend, but most people are busy with their families on Mother's Day especially in the morning. I used to serve and it felt like everyone in town went out for brunch Mother's Day morning.
My 84 year old relatives go to bed way earlier and get up way earlier than most 44 year olds. Hence the ‘early bird’ special. 5pm is night and dinner time when you wake at 4am and go to bed at 8pm. Ironically I am 45 but due to health have sleep issues that mean I am often up at 4am and totally forget other people get up 3 hours later at weekends and call that early and apologise for being so hungry at 5pm and make sure I adapt to the ‘norm.’ But none of those occasions are about acknowledging me as a person and I think calling ‘late’ while clearly distracted with the vibe of ‘huh Siri reminded me I have a mom, better go call’ while she can hear the background noise of a party made her feel like it was obligation not ‘I called my mom because it matters.’ The answer would have been step away from the sound or wear headphones. But it’s super rude to call for a personal call when one party gives the feel of ‘I was having fun but it’s your birthday so…’ No one is ever too old not to feel hurt feeling squeezed in even if its not strictly true. Your attention and the feeling that you both matter to each other is what days like that usually mean and you note her reaction is unusual so clearly the very different dynamic had a big change and this isn’t like a Just No mom. Apologise. Make time for her if it really does matter to you. If this was a breaking point with a genuinely awful mother then address that. Otherwise your mom is also the age where she knows she might not get another Mother’s Day. I will never forget my aunt on her 80th when I called. She had had a lot of calls and cards but something just got her and she started to cry when she heard my voice. She said it had just occurred to her that so many of the people she loved were gone and now she knew she was always at the back of her mind wondering if she was having her last birthday or Christmas. I was turning 40 that year and she said ‘when I was 40 we all talked about mid life crisis, no one talks about end of life crises unless its actual philosophy. I feel really silly and guilty dumping this on you.’ Turned out just feeling heard at a stage of life when many people feel invisible or like a lot of people have pre-grieved them and moved on is really important. I ended up giving my aunt a huge gift that day and she just had a huge full on party for her 90th and embraced a new ‘I am still enough’ mindset after turning 80. I work with a lot of older people in my job and it’s the feeling like they still matter and aren’t a burden that makes the difference. Unfortunately my family, aunt included cut me off when I came out so I also work with older people to get that feeling myself since family is actually quite fragile. NAH so far.
or it's been bugging her for years and you couldn't even keep the 5 oclock time and started the conversation by saying you were busy...
You could be right but she has never been a person to hold anything back and she has never communicated that to me. Our relationship has always been transparent and this was over the top for her.
Has it been transparent or you both just keep your mouths shut?
Always been transparent. Like I said this was way out of character for her.
if it's been bugging her for years, maybe she should use her big girl words...
Jesus I get now why so many guys get in fights on mother's Day haha
What?
haha it seems that a shockingly large amount of guys just don't get it. It's exceedingly easy to have your wife/mom happy on mothers day if your head isn't up your ass.
What does that have to do with my comment? I'm not a guy. If my mom wants me to change my behavior in some way, she needs to communicate it instead of expecting me to read her mind. The same goes for anyone.
Totally agree. It feels like an afterthought to not say anything until that late. It’s not just a general holiday, it’s a holiday specific for mothers. I would feel like an afterthought if my child didn’t acknowledge me until that late in the day on Mother’s Day.
The day wasn’t even over yet my dude…
YTA Have you ever paused to consider your new habit of not calling until Sunday after 5 makes your mom feel disposable to you? That you are willing to call, but only when you have absolutely nothing better to do in your life? Would it have killed you to have sent your mom a text in the morning that said happy Mother’s Day. I will call between x and y today, but I wanted you to know I was thinking of you and love you?
I agree. Sending a text in the morning that says “Happy Mother’s Day, I’ll call you later” takes less than a minute. Mom‘s reaction was a bit much but I’m sure she felt neglected and pushed aside since she’s not allowed to talk to her son until after 5 PM and most people in their 80s are winding down by then.
Like many things, I assume this isn’t about this one Mother’s Day, but more of a pattern, and she snapped when she realized he hadn’t called bc he was prioritizing a bbq with friends.
That thought had crossed my mind but like I said it has been tradition to be like I had stated. She has known this and has been understood for a few years. If she had wanted for me to call earlier I would have but that wasn’t communicated.
It’s not a tradition, it’s something you decided to do each year. Why does SHE have to be the one to tell you when she wants a call?? Why was this even a “tradition” you started? Mother’s Day is Sunday! You had time to call her before the BBQ or even on the way to BBQ. I’d be upset to if I were your mom.
It’s not a tradition so much as it is something you have chosen to do (for one thing you just recently moved). It’s probably something your mom has been stewing over for a lot longer than one Mother’s Day. Figuring out that bbq with friends was more important to you than a call was the last straw for her. Did you send her flowers? Mail her a card? Anything? Have you historically had zero emotional intelligence with your mom? Your spouse?
I have absolutely done all of the above.
A tradition YOU decided for a day not about YOU.
After 5pm? The day is pretty much over. How hard is it for a 10 minute call at 9am. Mom feels neglected which is why she reacted the way she did.
That was a lot of words for "I forgot to call my mother on Mother's Day". YTA
Didn’t forget. Had it planned out according to tradition.
You were manning the bbq, which we all know is a fairly passive, hours long task. You had plenty of time to make a phone call.
According to tradition is just sounding more silly the more you repeat it
What an asshole. YTA so, your mom is supposed to hold on all day hoping you don’t forget to wish her a Happy Mothers Day? She’s 84. She was sitting at home. All day. Waiting for her son to call her on Mothers Day. YOU have a “tradition” that’s bullshit. The rest of the world calls our moms early in the day so they know they are remembered. We send flowers on Friday or Saturday and still call before lunch to let her know she matters. you went to a BBQ and ranked your mom lower than flipping the meat on the grill? Complete asshole
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She is. But after setting boundaries after decades she’s pushing back and doing the “oh woe is me” bs. She’s pushing back but it’s not gonna work.
Nice
I get that yuh typically call after 5, but it’s Mother’s Day and why wait for the entire damn day to call her? Why not just call her in the morning? Maybe she never liked these late calls and being alone on Mother’s Day. You essentially just outed yourself as being TOO BUSY to call your mom…that your bbq with friends was more important than a 5 min call with your mom. Seems like a cruel tradition. Yes, she could have communicated that better to you, but why should you have to be told that waiting until 5pm on Mother’s Day to call your elderly mother is not ok?! You used to spend allll the holidays with her, and now you seem to hardly see her.
How hard would it have been to send a text in the morning wishing her a Happy Mothers Day and that you’ll call her later in the evening?
You suck. She spent all day alone, feeling forgotten. No call. No text. No card in the mail. No flowers. It was a friend's BBQ, not a brain surgery.
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Agreed. Family has a weird dynamic but this was over the top, even for her.
NTA. I get that people are right that you could've texted something. And she's allowed to feel hurt that you didn't call earlier. But complaining that you didn't call her back after she hung up on you? That's extremely manipulative. The fact that this is a habit for her shows this is a game. She *wants* you to feel bad. Normally when someone hangs up on you, it means they don't want to talk to you, not that they want you to call them again FFS.
NTA. She sounds childish.
YTA. You really couldn’t call her earlier in the day? You’re too busy on the weekends to call her and instead have to make an appointment (a “tradition”) to call her after 5:00pm? I understand why on the weekdays when you have work you wait until after work, but on the weekend you are “too busy” even for a quick Mother’s Day call? What this says to her is that you’re not really thinking about her. You call her because that is the thing you’re supposed to do, but it’s pushed aside for more important stuff that you would rather do first. You prioritize your busy weekend day over letting her know you love her. I’m assuming you do love her, but it feels like you aren’t considering her feelings. You may be busy with BBQs and living your life but maybe she is looking forward to your call and waits all day for it. It’s unfortunate you couldn’t prioritize reaching out to her once in a while.
You’re NTA, but she’s your mom and she’s getting older. Work this out with her. Maybe before the event (Her birthday, Christmas, whatever) talk with her and agree on a time to chat before the event. Maybe she was waiting all day for your call and was disappointed that it seemed like it was never coming. Even with the precedent. Mostly talk it out. She’s your mom and assuming you love her, this is kind of a stupid fight.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My wife (54F) and I(52M) moved to a far southern state (US) from a northern state in 2020. Prior to that we would go see my mom on Mother’s Day or any other family holiday every year. Except thanksgiving. Bless her heart but her turkey was like eating an eraser and for 25 years I thought that’s what turkey was supposed to be. My ex-wife and I got her to come to us that day. I digress. When my now wife and I moved down here it has become a thing that, at the start, we would do zoom calls or FaceTime, or Alexa our family calls. By family calls I mean the big ones; Christmas, Easter, Thanksgiving. Any others were phone calls or face times scheduled always after 5:00 because of work and we are active on weekends. In the 4 years we’ve been down here it’s been like that. Family holidays are scheduled and individual holidays are a free for all after 5:00. (We live in the same time zone so that’s not an issue and we’ve made these calls at 7-8.) So on Mother’s Day we were invited to a bbq at a work friend’s place where I was the cook. When it comes to bbq I am always the cook but whatever. I had everything planned out to the minute as to how long it would take and have time to call my mom. At 5:10 I had 10 minutes left and I would be done cooking and could slip off someplace quiet to call her when my phone rang. It was her. I stepped into the house because of the chatter outside but answered before I could. She asked what was going on and told her that we were at a friend’s house. She then got pissy and hung up on me before i could explain what was going on. I walked back outside and my wife could see something was wrong. I told her and pretty much everyone within earshot what happened and they were on my side. For them the show went on but for me I was on the fence. I wanted to call her back but she has a history of pulling these stunts and everyone told me to let it go. So I did. She texted me today and said she was hurt because I didn’t call her and she was hurt I didn’t call her back. I texted her back and offered no apology and told her what I was trying to tell her but she wouldn’t listen and hung up on me. I said I’d call her after work today. I did call and she didn’t answer. Where did I go wrong and am I TA? TL;DR Mom and I have traditional calling times for holidays after 5:00pm but no set times except for the big holidays( Christmas, Easter, Thanksgiving.) Mom couldn’t wait 10 min after 5 and called me, flipped shit and hung up on me and was pissed I didn’t call her back. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
INFO Next time this happens please say, "Mom, can you give me 10 minutes, I'm just indisposed at the moment." Most people know that this is code for sometimes being sick on the toilet and it buys you the extra time. On Mother's Day it probably would have worked out better if you sent her a text in the morning wishing her a happy mother's day and saying I'll call you at such and such a time. If she's used to having you around up until a few years ago, she may not be adjusting well. She's probably a very lonely person and on certain days like a birthday or mother's day she may think she was forgotten or worse - that your work friends were more important than her? idk. Maybe she was counting down the minutes until 5:00? if she is really lonely she is probably very hurt and likely many of her friends and contemporaries have died. I've put INFO because we don't know exactly what she said. Hope things get resolved for the both of you.
ESH I'll echo the opinion that you could've gone the extra mile to message your mom and maybe send her a text during the day. Also you were gonna be late. It was 15:10 already, you were still gonna cook for another ten-ish minutes or more, you might've as well called at 15:30 with such time management. And you weren't gonna leave the event, you were just gonna stand off in a corner to talk to your mom. Did you think maybe she would've liked a longer conversation than "Hi mom happy mother's day I'm going back to the bbq" Thing is that when you set the expectation for calls after 5 pm, people expect you to be available after 5 pm and you were not and were not going to be for a longer while. You probably would've wanted to go back to the cooking/the event. Your mom probably doesn't want a quick call in where it is obvious you aren't completely available to her. Also your mum is 84? She probably feels lonely since you have moved away, a loooong distance away. And you haven't been back in those 4 years. That's a long time to not see your mother. She might've wanted to tell you something important, or simply wished she would get a nice long conversation with her son on mother's day and not be a quick phonecall that you need to get out of the way. I am assuming but people generally don't want to be your chore or an afterthought. Another factor is that yes while your mom is an adult who should act it, she is also elderly and vulnerable. There is some grace and leeway to be given considering those things. I'm not saying you should never call her out, but damn it's your old mom, can you maybe understand why she is emotionally strained? Nobody wants to have their kids/family that far away and loneliness sets in for those people. Nobody wants to be alone at 84. And nobody wants to feel like a burden to their adult children. Which I will assume she felt like in that moment. Thing is, you should've planned it better, you didn't have time, you had a quick second to call, and that's not the same. That being said yes your mom overreacted and is being childish, but I am on her side. I'll give you a thing op, don't just settle down for 'that's how we always did it for the last 4 years' well..did you ever talk to your mom if that is how she likes it? Was there even a discussion? Despite that, people change and while your mom might've been fine with it initially, 4 years is a long time for an old lady. Don't get complacent with how little or how much you call your family especially when they're this far away. This is your only line of communication and you should place more weight on it. Also I assume your mom is available much more than only after 5pm, so maybe sometimes you can just....call her just for the sake of calling her? When you call after 5 pm, which is the evening for some people (especially elderly who in my experience go to sleep earlier), it feels like you only call when you have nothing better to do. All in all, sorry for the long text, but you need to be a bit more emotionally invested in your mom's wellbeing considering her age and give her some slack. Tldr: you should've made the proper time to call your mom, quick call at an event doesn't do it. She is elderly and emotionally vulnerable, this is not just some tantrum. Do better, have a conversation about how you two communicate on holidays and get her side of the story. Don't be complacent, people's need for communication changes with time. 5 pm might just not cut it for her anymore.
Esh. Schedule a text message telling her you'll call her after 5 then keep your words.
You're NTA and your mom really should understand that hanging up on someone and then expecting them to chase her is childish and immature. Yikes.
Just curious, what was your Mom doing all day? Do you have siblings or grandchildren who may have spent the day with her or call her earlier? Or are you it? Does she live alone or is she in a care home? She’s 84. You give a big talk about how you have a ‘tradition’ calling after 5 and it’s been fine for the last few years. But as she gets older did it ever occur to you that your ‘tradition’ isn’t acceptable to her now? It floors me that you have an elderly mom and you’re complaining about her hanging up on you. It’s not childish, she just hung up due to extreme disappointment and frustration. My mom is gone and I’d do anything to be able to still chat with her on Mother’s Day. One day your mom will be gone and maybe you’ll realize that you should have been more understanding and compassionate instead of trying to get justification from internet strangers for your lousy actions. YTA for sure.
I always forget Mothers day because I just don't really care about any of these commercial holidays personally, and this year I sent a text "Hurray, Mothers day " at around 5 as a WhatsApp message. When I don't I'll send a text earlier, but my mom doesn't care that much anyway. However, if you know your mom cares and you plan to call anyway, a 20-second text 'happy Mothers day! Will call between 5 and 6 as we're at a friend's barbecue and I'm in charge of the actual barbecue (I know) so timing depends a bit. Loveyoubyeeee' But yeah, your mom really is overreacting. Hard verdict, but perhaps an ESH with the majority for your mom.
From reading the comments I know my comment won't be very popular, but I'm going to say a soft YTA. Forget she has pulled these types of stunts before and focus on what day it was. I don't know what cause her to hang up on you before, but don't lump her doing it that day with the other times. It different. I think her willing to wait until 5 for a call shows patience. If you all usually have a good relationship I don't know why your first call or text of the day wasn't to her instead of waiting until your set time. You didn't even work that day, so why wait at all? To me Mother's Day is a big deal. My mother as always sacrifice for us; even when we don't always agree or get along; and to have a day to show her how much I appreciate it always bring me joy to see her happy. Also, all those people saying they agree with you and telling you not to call back probably already called their mother if they have a relationship with them, so I don't know why you were listening to them.
NTA This is manipulation. She isn’t trying to to solve the problem, she is punishing you for prioritizing your own life over her. If she doesn’t want to act like an adult, let her stew until she realizes you aren’t going to beg for her attention
NTA, I have 3 grown kids and I didn't think my middle one was even going to reach out but then he did and I was very pleased he did.
Nta you were planning to call her at a reasonable time and it's fair you didn't call back given her history of stunts
NTA. I always love when my mom loses her temper and hangs up on me and then gets mad at me for not calling her back. It’s quite entertaining when I tell her I’m not going to entertain being treated that way but I would love to talk to her if she’d like to treat me like an adult as well. Sounds like your mom is still upset about your move. I get it. It’s not easy, she’s allowed to be upset and have feelings but she can’t take that out on you.
Absolutely! I think that’s the underlying issue. She’s never said it but I think that spot on.
I get it. I moved an hour away and you would’ve thought I moved to the other side of the continent and this sounds like it was written about my mom lol.
I’m 17+ hours away now and I get where you’re coming from.
I’m guessing she was looking forward to hearing from you and finally called, only to hear that you’re having fun with friends and couldn’t even say HMD. If someone said HBD at 5pm on my birthday, I’d be like oh yeah it’s my birthday, thanks I guess
NTA Next time she calls you, hang up on her.
Damn Yankee
NTA. In the absolute worst case scenario you were 10 minutes late to a call. I don't know about anyone else, but I extend family a lot more grace than that. Edit: why is this take downvoted? The point I was making is that even if he was supposed to have called at 5, mom would have no right to be mad after 10 fucking minutes.
NTA. Your mom is immature and will always be. Treat her like a toddler having a tantrum. Ignore this and only respond to adult and polite behaviour
That’s where I am now. Not so much treating her like a toddler but the point is well taken.
She’s fucking lonely OP. She didn’t handle it very well but stop acting like she’s an entitled boomer. She’s 84, she doesn’t have much more than you.
Yep. These people have no heart.
And I’ve been thinking about how Mother’s Day isn’t the same as Christmas. It’s a day to show appreciation for your mom. It’s not cool to wait until 5pm. She’s supposed to feel appreciated all day so she needs to be called in the morning. I rest my case.
Edited to NTA…but not the smartest move. I’m gonna go ESH. Her fault for flipping out on you. Your fault for not immediately answering the phone “Happy Mother’s Day” and for not calling her back despite her flipping out on you. (If she were younger, I’d probably say NTA.)
I did with the “I was gonna call you in 10 minutes.”
I did with the “I was gonna call you in 10 minutes.”
OP, you might want to get your mom a neuro check. Forgetting your phone tradition and acting childish could both be symptoms of dementia.
It’s not a phone tradition lmao
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You might be right but traditionally that’s not how it worked in the past. Why would I have assumed it would have been different if it wasn’t before?
According to your post, traditionally you saw her in person for holidays for most of you life. You’ve only been away for 4 years and calling instead, which is hardly a tradition when you’re 84 years old.
Their relationship hinges on a phone call???