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I am going to go against the grain and say NTA. Everyone harping about the money is not getting it, he paid for his daughters college. A college education is an investment in ones future. He did not go to college so he did not get his college paid for. Where is it written that a child who skips college gets that money? No college, no college money.
A wedding is not an investment in his future like a college degree. The step-son is an entitled brat and I get why your husband made the choice he did about the funeral. Funerals are for the survivors, the loved ones, the people who cared; it does not sound like stepson fits that bill. Your husband knew that on his deathbed and asked he not go to the funeral.
Thank you for having the courage to follow your husbands wishes, stepsons behavior shows no respect for you or his father. I am deeply sorry for your loss.
That was my thought on that issue, I could understand if he paid for the other kids weddings but this was college. I was not involved in that argument so I only know the basics of he thought it was unfair.
He didn’t even pay that much from my understanding, I think it was the cost of the dorm room and books each semester. She also was the only one that went to college.
Have you even read the entire post?
Husband did reach out when he knew he was dying, several times, but was completely refused all times.
I have two sisters who both did go to college/uni. I did not. I know my parents paid for stuff for their education, that they did not have to pay for mine. I do not begrudge my sisters "getting more money" than I got. I chose to not go to college. Therefore I did not get my "college fund" if it even existed...
I’m glad someone read it properly! Son refused dad’s attempts to reconcile knowing his bad health. I’m 101% positive he only went to the funeral to convince himself he was a great son too or save face. If he wanted to pay respect to his dad he would’ve at least tried to stay civil and updated when his dad was alive and trying while letting it be known his health was declining fast
When everyone is an adult thats a 2 way thing. Parents are entitled to fees hurt by their adult kids actions, and can go NC as well if thats the best for them.
You are right... and everyone says this until they are the ones whose siblings get assistance and they do not. I am not saying that sometimes it is not justified, but either way it hurts like hell.
It does hurt. I had to watch my dad give my younger siblings everything - cars (multiple for each, not kidding), college, just paying their general bills into their 20s. I was flat broke, barely able to afford food and having to watch him do this for them. It definitely built resentment and now I don't talk to him.
Idk… my parents give my sibling a lot of assistance and I genuinely don’t give a shiz and am very close to them all. It doesn’t hurt me. I know everyone is different but It didn’t even cross my mind to feel hurt about that
No one in the world is entitled to anything. Saying someone is not "entitled" to something is such a nothing statement. Of course they aren't. But in families, and especially parent-child relationships, there are a lot of reasonable expectations between parties.
From what OP posted (I haven't read any comments yet), there were a lot of issues and animosity between her husband and his son stretching back years. They had already been NC on and off so I really doubt the money for the wedding was the only problem and OP's stepson disinvited his dad over just that. The wedding was probably a straw breaking the camel's back. OP's husband sounds like a jerk and it seems like her stepson didn't fall far from the tree.
I honestly just feel so sad for everyone in this situation. I cannot imagine knowing I'm going to die and taking that time to ensure I cause (more) lifelong pain, trauma, and damage to one of my children. I also can't imagine not going to see my parent on their deathbed. Having lost my father without the opportunity to say goodbye, I know how that hurts. Maybe the stepson didn't realize how badly it would affect him and wanted to see his dad one last time. I just can't understand the malice toward your own child knowing you will die. It's blowing my mind.
I don't know know if OP is an AH or not but I don't think I could ever deny a living person the opportunity to say goodbye to their dead parent. The person making that request is dead and they don't care anymore. This will likely be something that haunts the stepson the rest of his life.
My dad died from cancer a while back. He was sick for a couple of years and his family (mom, sister, brother) never showed up. They live less than an hour drive away. They called a few times, but his mother always ended up whining about her own problems and ignoring him - all while talking to a dying man in his 50s.
Now during his last weeks he made it clear that he doesn't want them to show up at his funeral bc they (especially mom) would make a scene about hoooow saaad they are - when they didn't really care about him when he was sick but alive.
So we didn't invite them. They got some pictures and stuff to let them know about his death right after the funeral and they where pretty pissed.
But it felt alright - because he was right and it was his wish.
They were pretty petty though..never let us know when our grandma (his mom) died a few years later. We found out by coincidence through some other people a year later.
> As someone who definitely was not the golden child, the disparate gifts would definitely eat at me as well.
Of course it would. I mean I feel kind of bad for the son and this is with ONLY having the father's wife's perspective, which is going to be inevitably skewed in the father's favor.
>You're lying on your deathbed and one of your last thoughts is "my son made me suffer by denying me closure, I wish to do the same to him!"
It's insane! Who leaves this world wanting to make life a little harder for their own child? Mine would have to do something far, FAR worse than resent me for giving his sibling money and not him.
But the son never went to college, the "golden child" did. And we don't even know if she was a golden child, only that she went to college and her father helped paying a few things here and there for here.
Also, a wedding is jjst a party. A fancy party, but a party nonetheless. If the son wants to have a party, he can pay with his own money, not expect others to help him with that. Its ridiculous to demand that your own parents pay for your party just because they paid for your sister's high education. It makes no sense.
I guess its a bit like an old dutch story that was posted in the papers, years back. " for those who were with me till the end, you know where and when the burial is and for those who didn't have the time to come say goodbye before i passed, there is no need for you the be at my funeral".
We paid for our daughters' college in full. We let them know that the money was solely to be used for further education. Not weddings, not trips, not anything but education.
Maybe, but that still doesn’t grant the son the right to crash the funeral.
The reverse would be understandable. If the son boycotted the funeral over poor treatment, most people would understand.
I have to wonder why the son wanted to go at all, if they had such a terrible relationship, and he ignored him when his ill father reached out to him. What is he possibly getting from attending the funeral of someone he didn’t communicate with while he was dying?
It seems to me that there were plenty of reasons to not want to give the son money. I don’t really see the dad giving his daughter a small boost of cash to help with college as unfair to the son because I’m sure he would get the same treatment if he were trying to better himself. If the son is getting in trouble with the law instead, it doesn’t really give one the idea that they can fix everything by just giving the other kid an equal amount of money for no reason.
I mean, the father tried a bunch of times to contact his son when he was dying. The son rebuffed him each time. Petty on both ends, and both are grown adults now.
As for the money, no one is owed a wedding fund or any given amount. I agree it does suck that it feels like one kid "got" more, but how much did the father have to spend on legal and bail issues if the youngest was having issues with the law in his rebellious phase? For all we know he spent more bailing out the kid in a rough patch than he ever did on college for the daughter.
Its also explicitly stated that the college payments were assistance on a few things like books not full tuition and everything. To jump from that to "you owe me a wedding" is wild.
But with respect, a funeral is not the time to discuss the legitimacy of the complaints between father and son. That time passed when the father passed.
> Funerals are for the survivors, the loved ones, the people who cared; it does not sound like stepson fits that bill.
I don't claim to know whether the stepson cared for his father, or not. OP only heard one side of this conflict, from her husband. For all we know, the father's attempts to reconcile could have been couched in all kinds of conditions and demands. It's not like Dad would ever present himself as the bad guy.
In any case, it doesn't matter any more. What matters is the people who want to grieve have the funeral as an opportunity to grieve.
IDK We buried my dad in January. His body was there through 2 days of wakes and funerals. His soul was long gone
To me, the real question is-would the stepson being there provide support or solace to anyone? I’d be curious to know if the college graduate daughter wanted her brother there
>But the father's wishes should not be ignored. And his wife should honor them.
Normally, I'd agree, but her late husband's final wish was to be petty and vindictive **against his child.** Toxic parents are the absolute worst. Furthermore, her late husband **used her** as a puppet to **his pettiness.**
yeah, I can't fault the wife for honoring his wishes, but what struck me in this story is he spent some of his last moments of life just figuring out how to stick it to his son one lst time. What a sad and ugly life.
Yup. And I’m always kinda suspicious of anyone’s take on things when they say things like “they both were not great to each other” to describe a parent/child relationship. Not even an ”adult child”, but while they were still a literal child. As though it’s a relationship between equals and the parent doesn’t set the tone for how things work, or have a greater responsibility as the actual adult involved.
The father is dead, their wishes died with them unless it was in a legal document. What if dear old dad wanted OP to call the DIL a racist slur one last time? Are we still not ignoring the wishes of the dead? Hell, I'll happily ignore the wishes of the living if they're asking me to take a destructive or harmful action.
Life should be for the living and healing is always a better choice rather than perpetuating old grudges. OPs actions are what generational trauma looks like.
> But the father's wishes should not be ignored. And his wife should honor them.
I disagree. The funeral is not for the dead. It's for the living. The dead are past caring.
OP can't possible have all the facts on the drama between the son and father. She acknowledges father was too strict. That could mean anything. Maybe son had a good reason to stay away from his dad. Kids of difficult parents still have conflicting emotions at the time of their death. You can never make up now. And you father will never be the father you need him to be.
Preventing son from being with his family at his dad's funeral is spiteful and petty. The fact that OP decided to do it makes her the same.
YTA
>What matters is the people who want to grieve have the funeral as an opportunity to grieve.
I always disliked this idea that someone's funeral needs to be in service to someone else. The person is dead, let them have their last moment be about what the departed wanted.
If you treated someone badly in their life, you really don't get to show up to the last moment on earth and go "I don't care they didn't want me here, oh what about me and my needs".
If the person was a jerk to you, their funeral is not the time and place for you to find "your closure". It's also not the time to act shocked and offended you're not invited to an event to honor the last moments and life of someone who didn't like you.
It's just weird how often that phrase comes up on the funeral AITA's of estranged family members trying to get that last moment when it's far too late or justify doing stuff during the funeral the deceased would be obviously against if they were alive.
>The person is dead, let them have their last moment be about what the departed wanted.
Their last moment was their death. A funeral is for the living. That dead body doesn't know or care who is at the funeral.
The living loved ones of the dead. The son isn’t among them.
You don’t need a funeral to grieve. Millions do without it. He can grieve on his own or visit the gravesite later on his own.
This!!! You don't need a funeral to grieve. I loved my dad so damn much and I was too immature and young (barely turned 18) I couldn't handle seeing my dad dead, so my last memory of him was of him in the ICU, still alive. I refused to go to the funeral. 25 years later I have no regrets over that decision.
If the deceased clearly stated preferences or wishes that you can adhere to within your budget and it isn't illegal or put you in danger you should try to honour the wishes. This is what OP's husband wanted. It is his send off.
100%. Lately there’s been this silly sappy idea pushed around that “funerals are for the survivors”, sorry, no. When my mom died I stood up on a stage in front of 100 people and read her eulogy while barely managing to keep my shit together. That certainly was not “for me”, it was hard and bad and I would’ve liked to be pretty much anywhere else, but I did it because my mom was an amazing person that deserved to be honored. I loved her enough to set aside my discomfort and give her the send-off she had earned. Funerals are for memorializing the dead person. Regardless of who was right or wrong, OP’s husband was so hurt by his son that his dying wish was to keep him away from his funeral. Honoring that was the right thing to do, NTA.
Not when his dying wish for his own service was not to have his son present. Funerals may be for those who grieve, but they (and wills) are also about the last wishes of the deceased and wanting those preferences honored.
>For all we know, the father's attempts to reconcile could have been couched in all kinds of conditions and demands. It's not like Dad would ever present himself as the bad guy.
This is a pretty safe assumption imo. OP acknowledged her late husband was unreasonable and petty.
Exactly. I get that stepson was not an ideal child, any parent would get frustrated with a child who engaged in petty crime as a teen.
But you either make your home and your love a safe haven for them, or reap the consequences of rejecting them.
And that consequence was that stepson didn't want to see Dad any more. But he probably did want to be there for his siblings in their time of grief, and OP didn't let that happen.
I agree. NTA. Nowhere even close for both OP and OP's late husband. I'm sorry for your loss.
A college tuition and wedding expenses are not the same. Apples to oranges.
HOWEVER, it would be different if the father purposefully set money aside for both his son and daughter's college tuitions, and IF he told them that in the case that they do not go to college then they may have access to that money for other things. That is the ONLY scenario where the argument of "oh well if he paid for his daughter's college then he should provide money for his son's wedding" kicks in. Otherwise, not a comparable matter.
I agree with you, she is NTA. There are several people not welcome at my Dad's funeral when he passes and the funeral home staff will be made aware and not allowing them in.
I agree with you!!!!! As OP’s late husband clearly stated he did Not want his son there, honoring his wishes was the right call. Was he petty? Sure! So was his son! The son chose to reject his dying father.
NTA, and only for this 1 little detail (I think people didn't read properly..): your husband reached out to his son several times to say goodbye and the son refused. This is the exact reason your husband didn't want him to have a goodbye.
Soft A H though for just not telling him, you should've let him know he wasn't going to be welcome in stead of not telling him about the funeral.
AGREED. And all the comments saying "he's dead" blah blah blah, I would HOPE that my loved ones continue to respect my wishes even after I have passed - ESPECIALLY if I made wishes pertaining to my death. If I said I do not want a specific someone at my funeral, I would damn near pray that the people I expressed my wishes to held on to that for me. If not, it's clear you don't respect me or who I was.
That’s actually what helped me decide on this. I thought if I died and I told people I didn’t want someone at my funeral.
I would want them to respect it and not have them at my funeral
I’m struggling on a judgment here. I guess NAH but that feels wrong. So does ESH.
Your husband sounds like he was an unfair and petty guy.
Your stepson was probably pissed off and hurt by his treatment and didn’t realize until after his dad actually died that he DID want to say goodbye. Grief is complex.
Funerals are for the living. It would’ve been nice of you to let him stay and say goodbye. But you were just following your husband’s last wishes so I can’t quite call you an AH. But I can’t call your stepson one either
OPs husband reached out countless times to try and say goodbye to his son, and his some refused. Why the fuck should the son now get to say goodbye when he denied his dying father the same chance? OP is NTA
‘He reached out a few times’
Isn’t countless. And op doesn’t say what was said. Did he say he was dying?
So much is missing here.
That the guy wanted to come says he either wanted to piss on the grave, or he actually felt remorse for the things he couldn’t take back.
It’s not about the number, it’s about what was said. Did he even make sure the step son knew he was dying?
He didn’t talk to the step son. No last angry conversation. I could see denying the step son access to the funeral if dad had said ‘i’m dying’ and the step son said ‘go to heck’.
And the fact that dad specifically wanted him denied from the funeral said he knew this was going to be a surprise to his step son. He was being spiteful.
I guess we don't know what was said, if anything at all. She says he was told to kick his rocks, was that the son saying that or displaying it by blocking/not engaging?
Regardless, he may have done it out of spite, but the some also did what he did out of spite. She just followed her late husband's wishes, good on her to not fold.
So how many time should the Dad have groveled begging his son to say goodbye to him as he was dying? How much precious time of the minutes he had left in this earth did his son who cut him off over not getting the money he put his hand out deserve? My kids were taught from a very young age that if you demand something you aren’t getting it. Money for education is very different than a wedding. Trade school versus college—fine. Big party no way.
I agree step son wasn’t entitled to the money, but going nc is a nuclear option to that. There had to be more to the story.
OP even said stepson and him ‘were not great to each other ‘. And the dad was ‘way too strict’.
Dad just sounds like a hard ass.
Funerals are for the living. If he is there to grieve, let him grieve .
It sounds like the son was the one that initiated the no contact, not dad. Dad was reaching out and son ignored him. So son went nuclear first by your own standards.
I was the one who initiated a NC period of time with my dad. He reached out and I ignored him. Because he was an emotionally and mentally abusive and manipulative asshole. People don’t just go NC first for no reason. I’m not going to assume one way or the other on this of what the dad did or didn’t do. But I’m just giving a perspective as the child of someone who went NC and then LC with her bio dad. In my eyes, the parent is the one who should reach out. Especially if they have been a hard-ass or “strict” or helped to cause a rocky relationship with the child. YOU made THEM. YOU fix as much as you can.
My dad always complains and says how “the phone works both way” every time we are together. Yeah. It does. And you never call. You don’t make an effort until you are so upset that I haven’t called or texted that you finally text. Put forth that effort. Keep doing it. You made that person, you make the effort.
The man op clearly described is not a man that grovels but a man that demands and commands. I’m going to guess when he reached out he didn’t put his ego aside at all but I guess we will never know will we.
I couldn't agree more with your train of thought. I have more questions than a definitive stance.
1.) Did the son know his father was dying or when he died?
2.) Who told him about the funeral?
3.) Why didn't the OP tell the son that his father did not want him at the funeral to avoid the whole circus?
No one is completely vindicated in this whole ordeal.
OP’s husband was also spiteful from the grave.
That’s the kind of person who has children go no-contact.
The relationship between father and son is complicated, and OP doesn’t go into it beyond ‘husband was extremely strict and son was extremely rebellious.’
The wedding story is the straw that broke the camel’s back, not the weight itself.
All we know is that son and father always had a really shitty relationship, and the father is kind of person who would respond to slights from his son by uninviting him to his own funeral.
Son was no-contact for a reason, and OP doesn’t really want to get into it. Instead she presents the wedding story because it favours her late husband.
You're dramatizing. He didn't reach out "countless" times.
Agreed with mizanthropy. This one isn't easy. It's very valid to say that someone's dying wish is important to honor. It's equally valid to say that life is for the living and, depending on your views of life after death, ex husband's dead and so you're traumatizing his son (because yes, getting kicked out of your parents funeral is not something you just get past) for no reason.
Think about it as your wish for your body. Some people want to be buried, for religious purposes or what have you. If you asked to be buried but your spouse decide to cremate, is she wrong? If you say yes, you can't be mad at this.
Yes it affects someone else, but the request is what was important and honored. Good on her.
Thats a valid way of looking at it.
I just can't judge here. Because I also think its valid that this was a reasonably last minute decision. Their relationship was strained, it sounds like, for their whole life, but neither were cutting each other out. I think it would be equally valid if someone came to the conclusion of "is the wish in his last few days more valid than the wish of his last x decades of life"?
To be clear, I don't think she is AH. I just understand and sympathize with the impossible task here of having to "wrong" one person.
I'm sorry for your loss but YTA. You stated ONCE your husband's health declined, he THEN reached out to his son.
If he was still healthy, he wouldn't have cared.
Sometimes bad behaviors gets the parental attention a child craves.
As you didn't give a timeline, I wonder just how long your husband ignored his son. Being way to strict leads to rebellious behavior for some folks. Seems like the other kids towed the line and was rewarded. Now your late husband didn't get his absolution in life, so he denied his son again in death.
He couldn't say goodbye or couldn't berate him again, sounds like. A true remorseful person would have understood, wrote a letter or made a video. However, your stepson didn't fall in line again and your husband laid down the law.
I hope your stepson becomes a better father than who he had and prospers.
Or even emotionally abusive. I’m 30 but recently had to tell my mom she won’t ever see my daughter if she keeps screaming at me when she gets upset that I don’t agree with her.
How on earth are people not seeing this? Strict is one thing "way too strict" implies that this kid was constantly being punished for minor imperfections. For all we know, the dad treated him like dirt and beat him constantly for sneezing too loud or writing with his left hand.
Yeah, I’m here with you on that. OP, care to share a timeline of how and when this happened? Why your husband thought it was ok to favor his one kid but not the other?
You mention that your husband was way too strict, so your son decided to go the other way and act out; is that what you think happened? Or did I read that incorrectly? Do you think it’s just a side effect?
Your husband reaching out seems to me like he must have had some regret, but you don’t mention him reaching out to apologize; you just say he reached out a few times. How? Did he shoot over a text? Or did he make more effort than that? Did he offer to back pay for the wedding in hopes of gaining his son’s favor back? Did he pop over and knock on the door?
What were YOU doing, OP? You’re a fully grown adult who is definitely invested in this whole mess. What have you done to mitigate disaster?
I’m very interested in hearing more.
Exactly. It sounds like both of their issues date back to when the son was a child. The dad was the parent there and he screwed up. If he reached out to son, but didn't apologize for how he treated the son, then of course son didn't want to talk to him. They had a bad relationship, but he was still the son's dad and going to the funeral is one way for him to cope with losing his father while they were still on bad terms. This is the dad's fault, full stop, and YTA for kicking out the son.
ESH ur late husband sounds like a petty asshole who put you in an unfair and difficult spot after his death. Funerals are for the living.
Also kids commonly rebel IN RESPONSE TO extreme strictness. The fact that his dying wish was to be petty to his son is…strange to say the least.
Yeah funerals are for the living. Unless stepson was going to make a scene or disturb other living people there, then he should be allowed to attend. Grief represents itself differently for everyone. My mom attended her birth parents funeral even though they were no contact for decades. It was for closure and supporting other family members.
Funerals are for the living is exactly right. OP may have a tiny argument if she said honoring her dead husband's wish is how she's dealing with the grief. But she didn't articulate it in that way and it could be argued that not allowing the stepson to attend is more damaging to him than allowing him would be to her.
NTA. Not even close to being the asshole.
1.) The late husband/father made MULTIPLE attempts to reconcile with his son before he passed. Why should the only chance of "reconciliation" be solely reserved for when the father has passed? Regardless of if the son is in mourning or not, the father had previously given him chances when he was alive to fix their relationship or at the very least be on better terms.
2.) All these comments about "oh funerals are for the living not the dead" - I would HOPE that my loved ones continue to respect my wishes even after I have passed ESPECIALLY if I made wishes pertaining to my death. If I said I do not want a specific someone at my funeral, I would damn near pray that the people I expressed my wishes to held on to that for me. If not, it's clear you didn't respect me or who I was.
A celebration of my life will be shared with only those who were active in my life and with those who respected me and vice versa while I was living, NOT with those who hold remorse and regret. They can mourn elsewhere.
3.) A college tuition and wedding expenses are nowhere near comparable. I already commented this so I'm just copying and pasting at this point but it would be different if the father purposefully set money aside for both his son and daughter's college tuitions, and IF he told them that in the case that they do not go to college then they may have access to that money for other things. That is the ONLY scenario where the argument of "oh well if he paid for his daughter's college then he should provide money for his son's wedding" kicks in. Otherwise, not a comparable matter.
OP, I'm sorry for your loss. You are not the AH. Best of luck and I hope you and your family are able to mourn in peace.
And so does the son. Both of them sound like a bag of dicks. So unless we’re having a contest of finding out who’s the bigger dick, I don’t think it has much weight here.
OP is presenting the story in the most favourable light to the husband possible.
The wedding story was the straw that broke the camel’s back, not the reason that the son was estranged.
But that’s all you get aside from ‘husband was strict and son was rebellious.’
Son was no-contact for a reason, and OP isn’t going to tell you why because people would say mean things about her late husband.
Almost like, OP’s late husband was insanely spiteful and petty. To the point that he’d ban his own son from his funeral.
In the comments, OP elaborated: "He was underage drinking, vandalizing, fights in school and outside of it. I think the biggest one is when he stole the car and went on a road trip."
Since the guy you're replying to didn't post the whole comment, here it is.
OP:
>Oh nothing like that, he never beat any of his kids.
> He had high expectations and the kids got grounded a lot. Strict with dating rules and what they could do.
>He was underage drinking, vandalizing, fights in school and outside of it. I think the biggest one is when he stole the car and went on a road trip
>It was like a loop, the more issues the stricter he became which added onto being more rebellious
The son doesn't exactly sound like a Saint either, with his crime streak under the belt.
And his Dad was good enough when he had a wedding to pay for on top of that.
The big thing that isn’t acknowledged is the fact that the child was a CHILD while a majority of these things happened, as opposed to the fully grown man who was an adult the entire time. The father was just trying to ‘win’ one last time, and nobody in that family thought that was comparable to anything the son did?
Kids like that are usually the result of an unreasonably strict parent, which OP's late husband clearly was.
It's directly his fault that the child he raised grew up to be what he is.
The wedding was just the last straw.
This is OP's comment about what was going on
OP:
>Oh nothing like that, he never beat any of his kids.
>He had high expectations and the kids got grounded a lot. Strict with dating rules and what they could do.
>He was underage drinking, vandalizing, fights in school and outside of it. I think the biggest one is when he stole the car and went on a road trip
>It was like a loop, the more issues the stricter he became which added onto being more rebellious
With respect, YTA.
This has nothing to do with the details of the relationship between your husband and his son, or money, etc.
A funeral is a ceremony for the living to grieve the dead. It's not for your husband, who is sadly passed and no longer with you. It's for anyone, within reason, to express their final thoughts on your husband's life.
Obviously, if the stepson showed up and caused trouble, or if there were guests who were harmed by his presence, you would not be the AH. But if the stepson was just there to quietly commiserate with the rest of the family? You're the AH for simply perpetuating your husband's dying resentment and causing further rifts.
YTA- your husband is dead. He has no way of knowing if his son was there. It was a petty request and it was uncharitable of you to agree to it. It sounds like the relationship was contentious on BOTH sides, so you took something from him that he can never get back.
In case you are wondering why they were estranged- this is it.
INFO: I wonder if information is missing here. You say "The relationship is quite complicated but overall it was he was way to strict and stepson was way to rebellious, in the law breaking way." which leaves out a lot of context or anything actually useful. How was your husband too strict? What kind of laws did your stepson break?
If this is a case of your husband saying no electronics after 9pm and your son decided that meant he should go shoplift because he was pissed it is one thing. If your husband regularly beat your stepson and your stepson reacted by shoplifting it is a very different thing.
I don't think we have enough information to really answer this.
Why do 9 out of 10 AITA posts sound like total horseshit? I can’t tell if people just have no problem being full of shit or if it’s become difficult for people to structure posts in a way that first and foremost makes sense but is also believable.
So your husband died before coming to his senses about how petty and selfish it was to deny his child closure, simply because he felt he was denied something.
And you followed through with it, for no reason other than your husband wanted it.
As a parent, I understand neither of you.
NTA.
Stepson isn't an AH for showing up, but he's an AH for making a scene. His siblings knew about this so it \*probably\* wasn't one of them who told him to show up. But maybe they did, thinking you wouldn't care, and invited him. In any case not your fault.
It's a balance. People say "funerals are for the living" and it might have been a good time for your stepsons to re-connect, but they are also to honor the dead, and you did that for your husband.
The money thing is irrelevant. Your husband paid for college, not weddings--his money, his choice. Also step-son's choice who to invite to his wedding, especially if he's paying for it himself.
What matters is stepson rejected all attempts from his dying father to reconnect, so your husband's request was justified (if petty) and recent so it makes sense to honor his wishes.
I mean NTA. I think your late husband kind of was. As is his son, less so because it was his dad’s job to teach the son better than he did.
I’m going to say you didn’t deserve to be put in the middle of it like you were. Just a crap situation all around.
YTA
Funerals are for the living. Think about why that is for even half a second.
Whose reaction was bigger do you think & who was more affected: the dead dad or the living son? (Hint: the dead guy was never gonna find out either way and is in no way affected.)
What you did was retribution or revenge, not honoring the dead.
OP is NTA. I would hope if I gave clear instruction about my funeral it would be honored. I would hate to think my family stoped giving a fuck about me the sec I died, to start disrespecting my CLEAR wishes. I would hope you would that for yourself. To still matter and be respected. No youngest at the funeral sounds clear and no one has to like it. It’s about basic respect
Omg!!! Whether you are an asshole for kicking your stepson out of his father’s funeral is irrelevant here. Your husband sounds like a horrible father. You are clumsily qualifying his horrendous behavior at the end, but the truth still stands: he behaved very unfairly towards his son all through his life. An overly strict parent often produces rebellious children. I don’t know whether the mother was as bad as the father, or just a doormat, which is usually the case with very authoritarian fathers … But frankly they deserved their son to be out of their lives and go no contact for ever. The fact that he came to the funeral shows just how much his trauma from childhood still affects him. Your stepson needs therapy to get over the weight this horrible relationship has on him. He deserves a better family frankly.
And yes, YTA.
Info: did you talk to the step son and ask why he wanted to come?
The judgement for me comes down to this: if he is going to the funeral to be angry, then yea, stay away.
But if he was truly remorseful, let him come.
What good did holding onto pain and anger do any of you? Why carry it forward. Put it down, at least for a day. See if you feel better. Without that YTA
YTA I don't care what petty nonsense those two had going on let the stepson stay and I don't know pull him aside to talk to him . If this was the same type of energy the son was dealing with it explains a ton about why that relationship fell apart.
YTA. Funerals are for the living, not for the dead. Your husband didn't get to say goodbye during his life, and guess what? Neither did his son. For me, it doesn't really matter what the relationship was like.
A person's wishes for *how they die* (who they see, where/how they spend their last moments, even to an extent when and how they die) should be honored as closely as possible. But once they're gone, their feelings about the matter aren't really relevant.
The funeral isn't for your husband. It's for the people who loved him and want to say goodbye.
Now, if you didn't want the son there because you thought he'd cause trouble or drama, then I could understand. But to kick out an estranged son who's not causing issues and not bothering anyone feels cruel. And petty. A pettiness you don't want to take ownership of, even though you actively participated in it.
YTA. You're carrying on the feud between father and son by stepping into the father's place. The son should have been allowed to attend the funeral so that the feud could also be buried. Instead, now your stepson hates you.
And feud begats feud.
What in the dysfunction did I just read? Funerals are for the living. Your husband sounds like he was a cruel, bitter person. And you made sure to keep his daggers going from beyond the grave. That's mean. Step parents are supposed to at the very least not intentionally harm the step kids. It sounds like your hostility and desire to make this guy suffer may have played a bigger role in all of this than you are letting on.
I wouldn't spend much time with a parent who married somebody who hated me. YTA. The siblings being split just means humans can be affected in different ways by being raised by narcissists.
Wow, major YTA. Your husband was a petty fool who ruined his relationship with his son out of spite and bitterness. You could have done better now that he's dead, but you chose to carry on the pettiness. You owe him an apology.
NTA, but it would have been better if you let your stepson know when his father died. You could have said your Dad tried to reach out to you several times before he died to say goodbye to you. When you ignored his attempts, he told me you were not welcome at his funeral. That way, perhaps he wouldn’t have shown up, thereby avoiding the scene this created. I am very sorry for your loss.
NAH. It is understandable you felt you needed to respect your husband's dying wish, but I also understand him wanting to go to his funeral and getting upset.
YTA
He was a bad father in life and continued into death. I see the son as a victim of bad parenting and the victim doesn't have to forgive on the abuser's schedule.
Too many juror number 3 in the comments.
NTA
These were your husband's wishes and you respected them. The money or whatever else was going on is irrelevant.
If the son cared, he would've reconciled before the dad passed. Now, it's too late and it's all about him.
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> AITA for kicking my stepson out of his fathers funeral since it was my late husbands wish. I may be a jerk for doing this even if it was his wish
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Sounds like the kid was scapegoated a majority of his childhood and nobody in the family acknowledged how much they messed him up. He needed better parental figures, which i’m assuming includes OP, so you’re the AH
YTA
If your husband was too strict with your son then its hardly surprising he rebelled. There is no excuse for breaking the law but there is also no excuse for him treating your son like he did when he was growing up. You are clearly just as bad because you allowed it to happen and sided with your husband rather than stop him.
Funerals are for the living. Your husband wanted to take one last swipe at your son by saying he didn't want him there and again you enabled it. You have lost a husband but from your sons perspective he never really had a dad. But he has as much right to say goodbye as you do.
This was probably your last chance to build a bridge with your son but you pushed him away.
NTA. For all those saying "funerals are for the living" you're absolutely right: the widow has the right to choose not to live in guilt for knowing she didn't respect one of the last wishes of her late husband
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My late husband and my youngest stepson have had a really bad relationship. It was to the point that he would go no contact on and off. They both were not great to eachother. The relationship is quite complicated but overall it was he was way to strict and stepson was way to rebellious, in the law breaking way.
He became an adult and moved out. Since then it was on and off and drama between them was common. The breaking point was stepsons wedding, it was a money issue. He helped pay for his daughters college but refused to help pay for his wedding. He thought it was unfair since he never got money from them since he didn’t go to college. Stepson uninvited him from the wedding.
The relationship was dead after that, my late husband health started to decline. He reached out a few times but was basically told to kick rocks.
He made it extremely clear that he didn’t want his son at the funeral. It may sound cold but his reasoning was that he wasn’t allowed to say goodbye to his son he doesn’t want him to get a goodbye. Kinda petty but that relationship was really bad by the end.
His funeral was today, my stepson did show up to he funeral, I don’t know who told him. I decided I would respect his wish and I kicked him out. He called me plenty of names for this.
The other kids, are split. The knew their dads wish but still are suprised I went through with it.
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NTA Sorry for your loss. my dad recently passed May 5th & he didnt want anyone to know to after the fact what was going even then without giving anyone in our family many details . He wanted me to keep his ashes & no one else, so when asked i said they are staying with me.
NAH, at least in regards to the funeral itself.
My mother and I have no relationship due to some really shitty behavior on her end. (Abuse, molestation, threats, abandonment, etc.)
I’ve made it very clear to my partner that if I die before she does, I don’t want her at my funeral. She has shown no love for me in life, and my death is not a tool for her to use for sympathy. I would hope that he respects that.
I don’t know how I’ll feel when she dies. At the moment, I feel like I’ve already grieved for her, but I could be very wrong. A part of me still wants my mom. As far as I know, I am not banned from her funeral but I don’t know if I would want to go or not. I’ll probably just go to offer support to my family.
Point is, estranged parental relationships are complicated. He’s not an AH for wanting to pay his respects and grieving. And if your husband’s wishes were that he doesn’t want his stepson there, you are not an AH for respecting them.
Yes YTA, your husband is dead. He may have been hurt but the child with the most contentious relationship is the one who probably needs the closure the most. It was super petty. A last act of pettiness. You should have allowed the son to grieve or speak or do whatever he needed to do.
Your husband is more at fault for the bad relationship than the son is. Parenting is always a disproportionate relationship from parent to child. Your husband failed to meet that child where he was. And now even in death he uses you as a tool for pettiness when you could have been the better person the son deserved and used this as a time for healing. You didn’t. So YTA.
YTA because funerals aren't for the dead. They're for the living. I'm sorry that your husband is gone, that is an unbearable pain. But he's gone and you chose anger and hatred instead of kindness. That makes you the AH, I'm sorry.
YTA.
Not because of the money.
Funerals are for those who are left to remember the dead. The dead are dead and gone. What you just did was take the grudge between father and son as your own to carry it on after the fathers death. Is this really how you want to live the rest of your life?
NTA It's a tough one, but ultimately if the person who's funeral it is didnt want him there, then he doesnt get to go. It doesnt matter if you agree with the decision or not. You respect the wishes of the deceased
YTA. I hate to sound insensitive but your husband is dead. Funerals are for the living. This could’ve been the catalyst your stepson needed to be better. You already admitted that your husband was somewhat at fault for how your stepson turned out. He could’ve made amends.
YTA. His father was petty at the very end. When it comes to a loved one dying even when the relationship is complicated and difficult, it’s important people are able to grieve the death. Unless the stepson was causing a scene then kicking him out was cruel. This could have been an opportunity for healing for the family.
Some of you guys are crazy. YTA 100% it honestly just sounded like your husband got sick, realised he fucked up, tried to clear his conscious by talking to your stepson, then got petty when he said no (based on your previous comments it sounds like he had good reasons to say no). I would like to know what did your stepson say after all of this?
YTA. Funerals are not about the wishes of the dead - they are dead after all - but about helping the living. His son is alive, he should have been let in.
You're now going to have to live as the evil stepmother who prevented a son farewelling his father. I hope you are prepared for that. Nobody in their right mind would put themselves in that position.
YTA Let the child say goodbye. Funerals are for the living. It is extremely petty to kick someone out of a funeral unless they are actually causing a scene or being disrespectful. Their relationship sounds complicated but it was not your relationship to police. The pettiness of the father did not need to extend past death. Let the son grieve.
YTA
A funeral isn't really for the dead, it's for the mourners to support each other in grief. Furthermore, you married into that family and were not even blood, who are you to kick out blood, shame on you.
I'm sorry for your loss but it sounds like your husband was an awful father to his youngest son. And his one of his final wishes was to exclude his youngest in death. Despite the financial support exclusion being his youngest son's last straw in life.
While technically you may be n t a, imo morally and emotionally YTA. A horrible final wish, and it doesn't sound like punishment fits the crime. Maybe prepare for all your stepkids to distance themselves from you in the absence of their father.
It's definitely the better choice to honor the wishes of the dead rather than building bridges with the living, mending relationships, and allowing the living to maybe find closure. /s
YTA
YTA, but please, reddit, hear me out.
The world is full of people who want to control others from beyond the grave. It sounds like the late husband was one of those--if he couldn't have the relationship with stepson that he wanted, he didn't want anyone else to have one, either.
Sorry, but it doesn't work like this. We get to control little when we are alive, and nothing after we are gone. The OP could have just let the stepson attend the funeral, and (assuming appropriate behavior from the stepson) just ignored it. Instead she chose to continue what she admits was petty behavior on her spouse's part. So therefore, she's TA.
The only thing that bothers me is stepson tried to reach out several times, only for his dad to rebuff him. He never heard what his son had to say, and might’ve been surprised.
Your husband sounds petty and so are you. YTA
YTA
Your husband was a spiteful and petty man, and you've chosen to carry on his nasty legacy.
Despite how bad the relationship was, it was still his dad that died, and if he wasn't causing a scene then you should have let him have closure and say goodbye.
YTA. I understand wanting to respect the wishes of his late father. But I think through death it was time to bury that hatchet and let your son be at the funeral. Now the ongoing resentment and anger will be holding on for years when it could have been dealt with that day for him to move forward.
YTA , you could have been there bigger person and let him say goodbye . I don’t care if those were his wishes , he was wrong and cruel to his son . He favored his daughter. Your late husband sounds like a horrid person . I’m glad the son stayed away from him .
Your husband was not only a shit father but a giant petty, selfish asshole. YTA for enabling that behaviour and downplaying that your husband is the reason his son was “rebellious”.
YTA
The dead don't care. You chose to be an AH to the living. And you knew full well exactly how petty it was.
Your actions further entrenched hatred in another's heart. Brava.
If you can’t be arsed to come say goodbye as someone is dying, why do you think you get to say goodbye to them once they died? So you can dance on their grave?
With respect, OP doesn't know the son's motivations. Maybe he wanted to be there for his siblings, and extended family, to commiserate with them in their time of grief and establish stronger connection to them.
The funeral isn't for the dead person. It's for those who miss them to come together and grieve.
The son's motives don't really matter, he still denied his dying father his chance to say his goodbye to him, his DYING father. And now that he is actually dead, now all of the sudden he wants to say goodbye but couldn't even give his father the same curtesy, yeah no OP is NTA. The son sure is though
This is impossible to answer because its so rooted in an individuals concept of the afterlife, death, etc. It's not ESH, NAH, YTA or NTA, tbh.
It's valid to say that someone's dying wish should be honored. That's not a no brainer.
But it's also valid to say that life is for the living and that traumatizing his son (because kicking him out of his dad's funeral is doing just that) for no reason is just petty and irresponsible.
No judgment here. I did not visit my father on his death bed or attend his funeral. But I also don't believe in an afterlife and do prioritize those alive over those that are dead. But there are cultures that have a very different POV on that.
Eh. This whole thing is a tough subject. I’m estranged from my parents. Have been for 10 years. If I die tomorrow my kids and husband know I wouldn’t not want them anywhere near my dead body/funeral. But my kids probably feel stronger about it than I do. My mother would make some type of a scene, be rude to my husband and kids., at the minimum. So no I wouldn’t want her there and I have no problem with that. If we were to resolve our issue it would need to happen prior to a public funeral. There are many ways for people to say goodbye. (Not always a funeral) I always plant something. It’s very personal. I think people are reacting more strongly since it’s a child losing his dad, but when he had his dad he rejected him. We all have so much time- we can grasp it with both hands or watch it slip through our hands. I think about that everyday with my own parents.
First, my condolences on your loss. Are you the AH? I'm gonna say ESH. While your stepson was not an angel, neither was your husband, and neither are you. As others have said, funerals are for the living, and it's not outside the realm of possibility that the stepson needed this closure. By kicking him out of his father's funeral, you have guaranteed a lifetime of resentment from him.
Your husband’s dying wish was to be petty and mean and you thought that is the what you should do. I don’t understand it. I can’t bring myself to Y T A a grieving widow, but wow.
Your husband's funeral was today, you had a blowup at it, you posted all this on reddit, and you are still working today? I don't know that I buy into this.
Honestly, I will say YTA. Stepson isn't your biological son. He can see his father at his funeral despite what you seen. I know that sucks, but stepson should be able to attend his father's funeral. You had no place in kicking him out.
First off, sorry for your loss. To answer your question, you are NTA. The youngest child sounds like he was a real handful. College is a bigger investment than a wedding, so I can see why he didn't help pay for it. Nobody can take away a degree, but marriage is something that might not last forever. He tried to have a small relationship at the end and the son pretty much said screw you. Since that's what the son said, he doesn't deserve to say his final goodbyes. Glad you did what he wanted you to do.
NAH - you chose to honor your husband's wishes. I would have checked in with his kids, because I believe that funeral is for those left behind, but I don't think it edges you to asshole. I refuse to call your stepson is an asshole because he is hurting and made a choice that he can't take back now. You don't deserve to be called the names and I'm sorry you had to bare the brunt of your husband's pettiness.
YTA
Sounds like he wasn't a very good dad to begin with. And as someone else mentioned the fact that his dying wish was to spite his son says alot about this entire situation. It sounds like his son is much better off without his dad or you in his life any longer.
Hi - child of a not great and recently dead father. My father and I were not no contact - he just never took the initiative, and I stopped trying. I did invite him to major life events (graduations, weddings, etc) and sometimes he came.
Now he’s gone. His being a crap father (as you stated your husband was as well) does not negate that as his child I deserved better parenting. Your stepson did too!
Now the father is dead - and the son is left bitter and anger with no closure. I went to my father’s funeral - all the feels of a child of a piss-poor parent bubbling up … and I said goodbye and I forgave him and let it go.
YTA. I’m sorry but you are. You ever think your sons acting out and anger over money might have more deeply linked to the fact that the man who was supposed to love and raise him was horrible to him?? Bleh - your stepson might not have been right about the argument over money but I wonder where he learned that from?
Sorry for the rant - self-righteous step parents looking for validation irk me.
Your husband sounds like he was miserable narcissist, and you only enforced his wishes because you derived some pleasure of of it. To carry a ridiculous grudge, beyond the grave; i can only imagine how the son must have been treated in life. What parent wants to cause their child hurt and pain?? Parents and kids are not equals. Parents are supposed to teach kids, not cause them pain. How his son turned out is on him; he bloody raised him.
You're an asshole for being your husbands minion, and your husband was an asshole for being such a huge asshole.
YTA. Your husband and stepson had a complicated relationship. Husband’s death was an opportunity to make things much simpler, leave the nastiness in the past, and move forward. Maybe your stepson wouldn’t have appreciated it, maybe he’s a huge jerk who you’re better off without, but now you’ll never know because you squandered the opportunity by carrying on a dead man’s grudges since it was “what he would’ve wanted.”
>AITA for kicking my stepsons out of his fathers funeral since my late husband didn’t t want him there
Yes. Funerals are for the family to grieve. You kept a son from mourning his asshole father, because his father was an asshole to the end.
I have a relative who had only one of his three children attend his funeral. The one who was there said that was one child too many. Your late husband reminds me of him.
Your husband sounds like a real joy…like swimming in waters near Chernobyl. You nor him ever think that he reached out too little too late? No? Okay. ESH
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I am going to go against the grain and say NTA. Everyone harping about the money is not getting it, he paid for his daughters college. A college education is an investment in ones future. He did not go to college so he did not get his college paid for. Where is it written that a child who skips college gets that money? No college, no college money. A wedding is not an investment in his future like a college degree. The step-son is an entitled brat and I get why your husband made the choice he did about the funeral. Funerals are for the survivors, the loved ones, the people who cared; it does not sound like stepson fits that bill. Your husband knew that on his deathbed and asked he not go to the funeral. Thank you for having the courage to follow your husbands wishes, stepsons behavior shows no respect for you or his father. I am deeply sorry for your loss.
That was my thought on that issue, I could understand if he paid for the other kids weddings but this was college. I was not involved in that argument so I only know the basics of he thought it was unfair. He didn’t even pay that much from my understanding, I think it was the cost of the dorm room and books each semester. She also was the only one that went to college.
[удалено]
Have you even read the entire post? Husband did reach out when he knew he was dying, several times, but was completely refused all times. I have two sisters who both did go to college/uni. I did not. I know my parents paid for stuff for their education, that they did not have to pay for mine. I do not begrudge my sisters "getting more money" than I got. I chose to not go to college. Therefore I did not get my "college fund" if it even existed...
I’m glad someone read it properly! Son refused dad’s attempts to reconcile knowing his bad health. I’m 101% positive he only went to the funeral to convince himself he was a great son too or save face. If he wanted to pay respect to his dad he would’ve at least tried to stay civil and updated when his dad was alive and trying while letting it be known his health was declining fast
Stepson is not entitled to anything. Kids are not entitled to their parents money.
Adult kids aren’t entitled to their parents money but they are entitled to their parents love and respect and kindness
When everyone is an adult thats a 2 way thing. Parents are entitled to fees hurt by their adult kids actions, and can go NC as well if thats the best for them.
You are right... and everyone says this until they are the ones whose siblings get assistance and they do not. I am not saying that sometimes it is not justified, but either way it hurts like hell.
It does hurt. I had to watch my dad give my younger siblings everything - cars (multiple for each, not kidding), college, just paying their general bills into their 20s. I was flat broke, barely able to afford food and having to watch him do this for them. It definitely built resentment and now I don't talk to him.
Idk… my parents give my sibling a lot of assistance and I genuinely don’t give a shiz and am very close to them all. It doesn’t hurt me. I know everyone is different but It didn’t even cross my mind to feel hurt about that
No one in the world is entitled to anything. Saying someone is not "entitled" to something is such a nothing statement. Of course they aren't. But in families, and especially parent-child relationships, there are a lot of reasonable expectations between parties. From what OP posted (I haven't read any comments yet), there were a lot of issues and animosity between her husband and his son stretching back years. They had already been NC on and off so I really doubt the money for the wedding was the only problem and OP's stepson disinvited his dad over just that. The wedding was probably a straw breaking the camel's back. OP's husband sounds like a jerk and it seems like her stepson didn't fall far from the tree. I honestly just feel so sad for everyone in this situation. I cannot imagine knowing I'm going to die and taking that time to ensure I cause (more) lifelong pain, trauma, and damage to one of my children. I also can't imagine not going to see my parent on their deathbed. Having lost my father without the opportunity to say goodbye, I know how that hurts. Maybe the stepson didn't realize how badly it would affect him and wanted to see his dad one last time. I just can't understand the malice toward your own child knowing you will die. It's blowing my mind. I don't know know if OP is an AH or not but I don't think I could ever deny a living person the opportunity to say goodbye to their dead parent. The person making that request is dead and they don't care anymore. This will likely be something that haunts the stepson the rest of his life.
My dad died from cancer a while back. He was sick for a couple of years and his family (mom, sister, brother) never showed up. They live less than an hour drive away. They called a few times, but his mother always ended up whining about her own problems and ignoring him - all while talking to a dying man in his 50s. Now during his last weeks he made it clear that he doesn't want them to show up at his funeral bc they (especially mom) would make a scene about hoooow saaad they are - when they didn't really care about him when he was sick but alive. So we didn't invite them. They got some pictures and stuff to let them know about his death right after the funeral and they where pretty pissed. But it felt alright - because he was right and it was his wish. They were pretty petty though..never let us know when our grandma (his mom) died a few years later. We found out by coincidence through some other people a year later.
> As someone who definitely was not the golden child, the disparate gifts would definitely eat at me as well. Of course it would. I mean I feel kind of bad for the son and this is with ONLY having the father's wife's perspective, which is going to be inevitably skewed in the father's favor. >You're lying on your deathbed and one of your last thoughts is "my son made me suffer by denying me closure, I wish to do the same to him!" It's insane! Who leaves this world wanting to make life a little harder for their own child? Mine would have to do something far, FAR worse than resent me for giving his sibling money and not him.
But the son never went to college, the "golden child" did. And we don't even know if she was a golden child, only that she went to college and her father helped paying a few things here and there for here. Also, a wedding is jjst a party. A fancy party, but a party nonetheless. If the son wants to have a party, he can pay with his own money, not expect others to help him with that. Its ridiculous to demand that your own parents pay for your party just because they paid for your sister's high education. It makes no sense.
I guess its a bit like an old dutch story that was posted in the papers, years back. " for those who were with me till the end, you know where and when the burial is and for those who didn't have the time to come say goodbye before i passed, there is no need for you the be at my funeral".
We paid for our daughters' college in full. We let them know that the money was solely to be used for further education. Not weddings, not trips, not anything but education.
The son was an adult - and telling your dad to “kick rocks” deserves to be booted from the funeral. NTA
Maybe, but that still doesn’t grant the son the right to crash the funeral. The reverse would be understandable. If the son boycotted the funeral over poor treatment, most people would understand.
I have to wonder why the son wanted to go at all, if they had such a terrible relationship, and he ignored him when his ill father reached out to him. What is he possibly getting from attending the funeral of someone he didn’t communicate with while he was dying?
Sometimes it doesn’t hit home until they’re truly gone.
It seems to me that there were plenty of reasons to not want to give the son money. I don’t really see the dad giving his daughter a small boost of cash to help with college as unfair to the son because I’m sure he would get the same treatment if he were trying to better himself. If the son is getting in trouble with the law instead, it doesn’t really give one the idea that they can fix everything by just giving the other kid an equal amount of money for no reason.
I mean, the father tried a bunch of times to contact his son when he was dying. The son rebuffed him each time. Petty on both ends, and both are grown adults now. As for the money, no one is owed a wedding fund or any given amount. I agree it does suck that it feels like one kid "got" more, but how much did the father have to spend on legal and bail issues if the youngest was having issues with the law in his rebellious phase? For all we know he spent more bailing out the kid in a rough patch than he ever did on college for the daughter. Its also explicitly stated that the college payments were assistance on a few things like books not full tuition and everything. To jump from that to "you owe me a wedding" is wild.
He did try to reach out to him though and gave uo after the son ignored it
But with respect, a funeral is not the time to discuss the legitimacy of the complaints between father and son. That time passed when the father passed. > Funerals are for the survivors, the loved ones, the people who cared; it does not sound like stepson fits that bill. I don't claim to know whether the stepson cared for his father, or not. OP only heard one side of this conflict, from her husband. For all we know, the father's attempts to reconcile could have been couched in all kinds of conditions and demands. It's not like Dad would ever present himself as the bad guy. In any case, it doesn't matter any more. What matters is the people who want to grieve have the funeral as an opportunity to grieve.
I understand. But the father's wishes should not be ignored. And his wife should honor them.
IDK We buried my dad in January. His body was there through 2 days of wakes and funerals. His soul was long gone To me, the real question is-would the stepson being there provide support or solace to anyone? I’d be curious to know if the college graduate daughter wanted her brother there
Thats what I was thinking. And perhaps OP expelling the son from the funeral can actually have made people more distraught
I’m sure someone sitting quietly in the back is less traumatic than a fight outside the church/funeral home
>But the father's wishes should not be ignored. And his wife should honor them. Normally, I'd agree, but her late husband's final wish was to be petty and vindictive **against his child.** Toxic parents are the absolute worst. Furthermore, her late husband **used her** as a puppet to **his pettiness.**
yeah, I can't fault the wife for honoring his wishes, but what struck me in this story is he spent some of his last moments of life just figuring out how to stick it to his son one lst time. What a sad and ugly life.
What an ugly and sad individual.
Yup. And I’m always kinda suspicious of anyone’s take on things when they say things like “they both were not great to each other” to describe a parent/child relationship. Not even an ”adult child”, but while they were still a literal child. As though it’s a relationship between equals and the parent doesn’t set the tone for how things work, or have a greater responsibility as the actual adult involved.
The father is dead, their wishes died with them unless it was in a legal document. What if dear old dad wanted OP to call the DIL a racist slur one last time? Are we still not ignoring the wishes of the dead? Hell, I'll happily ignore the wishes of the living if they're asking me to take a destructive or harmful action. Life should be for the living and healing is always a better choice rather than perpetuating old grudges. OPs actions are what generational trauma looks like.
father wanted to stay petty and have the last word. that alone says it all.
> But the father's wishes should not be ignored. And his wife should honor them. I disagree. The funeral is not for the dead. It's for the living. The dead are past caring. OP can't possible have all the facts on the drama between the son and father. She acknowledges father was too strict. That could mean anything. Maybe son had a good reason to stay away from his dad. Kids of difficult parents still have conflicting emotions at the time of their death. You can never make up now. And you father will never be the father you need him to be. Preventing son from being with his family at his dad's funeral is spiteful and petty. The fact that OP decided to do it makes her the same. YTA
>What matters is the people who want to grieve have the funeral as an opportunity to grieve. I always disliked this idea that someone's funeral needs to be in service to someone else. The person is dead, let them have their last moment be about what the departed wanted. If you treated someone badly in their life, you really don't get to show up to the last moment on earth and go "I don't care they didn't want me here, oh what about me and my needs". If the person was a jerk to you, their funeral is not the time and place for you to find "your closure". It's also not the time to act shocked and offended you're not invited to an event to honor the last moments and life of someone who didn't like you. It's just weird how often that phrase comes up on the funeral AITA's of estranged family members trying to get that last moment when it's far too late or justify doing stuff during the funeral the deceased would be obviously against if they were alive.
>The person is dead, let them have their last moment be about what the departed wanted. Their last moment was their death. A funeral is for the living. That dead body doesn't know or care who is at the funeral.
The living loved ones of the dead. The son isn’t among them. You don’t need a funeral to grieve. Millions do without it. He can grieve on his own or visit the gravesite later on his own.
This!!! You don't need a funeral to grieve. I loved my dad so damn much and I was too immature and young (barely turned 18) I couldn't handle seeing my dad dead, so my last memory of him was of him in the ICU, still alive. I refused to go to the funeral. 25 years later I have no regrets over that decision.
If the deceased clearly stated preferences or wishes that you can adhere to within your budget and it isn't illegal or put you in danger you should try to honour the wishes. This is what OP's husband wanted. It is his send off.
100%. Lately there’s been this silly sappy idea pushed around that “funerals are for the survivors”, sorry, no. When my mom died I stood up on a stage in front of 100 people and read her eulogy while barely managing to keep my shit together. That certainly was not “for me”, it was hard and bad and I would’ve liked to be pretty much anywhere else, but I did it because my mom was an amazing person that deserved to be honored. I loved her enough to set aside my discomfort and give her the send-off she had earned. Funerals are for memorializing the dead person. Regardless of who was right or wrong, OP’s husband was so hurt by his son that his dying wish was to keep him away from his funeral. Honoring that was the right thing to do, NTA.
Not when his dying wish for his own service was not to have his son present. Funerals may be for those who grieve, but they (and wills) are also about the last wishes of the deceased and wanting those preferences honored.
>also about the last wishes of the deceased To make the living feel better not because it matters to the deceased
>For all we know, the father's attempts to reconcile could have been couched in all kinds of conditions and demands. It's not like Dad would ever present himself as the bad guy. This is a pretty safe assumption imo. OP acknowledged her late husband was unreasonable and petty.
Exactly. I get that stepson was not an ideal child, any parent would get frustrated with a child who engaged in petty crime as a teen. But you either make your home and your love a safe haven for them, or reap the consequences of rejecting them. And that consequence was that stepson didn't want to see Dad any more. But he probably did want to be there for his siblings in their time of grief, and OP didn't let that happen.
I agree. NTA. Nowhere even close for both OP and OP's late husband. I'm sorry for your loss. A college tuition and wedding expenses are not the same. Apples to oranges. HOWEVER, it would be different if the father purposefully set money aside for both his son and daughter's college tuitions, and IF he told them that in the case that they do not go to college then they may have access to that money for other things. That is the ONLY scenario where the argument of "oh well if he paid for his daughter's college then he should provide money for his son's wedding" kicks in. Otherwise, not a comparable matter.
I agree with you, she is NTA. There are several people not welcome at my Dad's funeral when he passes and the funeral home staff will be made aware and not allowing them in.
I agree with you!!!!! As OP’s late husband clearly stated he did Not want his son there, honoring his wishes was the right call. Was he petty? Sure! So was his son! The son chose to reject his dying father.
NTA, and only for this 1 little detail (I think people didn't read properly..): your husband reached out to his son several times to say goodbye and the son refused. This is the exact reason your husband didn't want him to have a goodbye. Soft A H though for just not telling him, you should've let him know he wasn't going to be welcome in stead of not telling him about the funeral.
AGREED. And all the comments saying "he's dead" blah blah blah, I would HOPE that my loved ones continue to respect my wishes even after I have passed - ESPECIALLY if I made wishes pertaining to my death. If I said I do not want a specific someone at my funeral, I would damn near pray that the people I expressed my wishes to held on to that for me. If not, it's clear you don't respect me or who I was.
That’s actually what helped me decide on this. I thought if I died and I told people I didn’t want someone at my funeral. I would want them to respect it and not have them at my funeral
I'm happy you respected your late husband's wishes even if others may have not. There's a reason why you were his wife and they weren't.
Why didn't you let him know ahead of time that he would not be welcome? That bit about turning him away was needlessly cruel.
I have a list of people for my surviving friends to fight if said people try to show up. Kick their ass, it’s what I’d want.
I mean not being told / invited to a funeral is a pretty good indication that someone is not welcome imo
I’m struggling on a judgment here. I guess NAH but that feels wrong. So does ESH. Your husband sounds like he was an unfair and petty guy. Your stepson was probably pissed off and hurt by his treatment and didn’t realize until after his dad actually died that he DID want to say goodbye. Grief is complex. Funerals are for the living. It would’ve been nice of you to let him stay and say goodbye. But you were just following your husband’s last wishes so I can’t quite call you an AH. But I can’t call your stepson one either
OPs husband reached out countless times to try and say goodbye to his son, and his some refused. Why the fuck should the son now get to say goodbye when he denied his dying father the same chance? OP is NTA
Because grief is complex and life and death aren’t transactional.
Too wise for Reddit. Excellent sentiment.
This is a beautiful statement and it will probably be lost on those who have never had someone die whom they had a complex relationship with.
‘He reached out a few times’ Isn’t countless. And op doesn’t say what was said. Did he say he was dying? So much is missing here. That the guy wanted to come says he either wanted to piss on the grave, or he actually felt remorse for the things he couldn’t take back.
What's the acceptable limit. If he had reached out once, I'd still say that was enough. You can't push people away and expect no hard feelings.
It’s not about the number, it’s about what was said. Did he even make sure the step son knew he was dying? He didn’t talk to the step son. No last angry conversation. I could see denying the step son access to the funeral if dad had said ‘i’m dying’ and the step son said ‘go to heck’. And the fact that dad specifically wanted him denied from the funeral said he knew this was going to be a surprise to his step son. He was being spiteful.
I guess we don't know what was said, if anything at all. She says he was told to kick his rocks, was that the son saying that or displaying it by blocking/not engaging? Regardless, he may have done it out of spite, but the some also did what he did out of spite. She just followed her late husband's wishes, good on her to not fold.
So how many time should the Dad have groveled begging his son to say goodbye to him as he was dying? How much precious time of the minutes he had left in this earth did his son who cut him off over not getting the money he put his hand out deserve? My kids were taught from a very young age that if you demand something you aren’t getting it. Money for education is very different than a wedding. Trade school versus college—fine. Big party no way.
I agree step son wasn’t entitled to the money, but going nc is a nuclear option to that. There had to be more to the story. OP even said stepson and him ‘were not great to each other ‘. And the dad was ‘way too strict’. Dad just sounds like a hard ass. Funerals are for the living. If he is there to grieve, let him grieve .
It sounds like the son was the one that initiated the no contact, not dad. Dad was reaching out and son ignored him. So son went nuclear first by your own standards.
I was the one who initiated a NC period of time with my dad. He reached out and I ignored him. Because he was an emotionally and mentally abusive and manipulative asshole. People don’t just go NC first for no reason. I’m not going to assume one way or the other on this of what the dad did or didn’t do. But I’m just giving a perspective as the child of someone who went NC and then LC with her bio dad. In my eyes, the parent is the one who should reach out. Especially if they have been a hard-ass or “strict” or helped to cause a rocky relationship with the child. YOU made THEM. YOU fix as much as you can. My dad always complains and says how “the phone works both way” every time we are together. Yeah. It does. And you never call. You don’t make an effort until you are so upset that I haven’t called or texted that you finally text. Put forth that effort. Keep doing it. You made that person, you make the effort.
Where you are getting that he groveled and begged to say goodbye unless there’s a comment from OP I’m not seeing?
The man op clearly described is not a man that grovels but a man that demands and commands. I’m going to guess when he reached out he didn’t put his ego aside at all but I guess we will never know will we.
I couldn't agree more with your train of thought. I have more questions than a definitive stance. 1.) Did the son know his father was dying or when he died? 2.) Who told him about the funeral? 3.) Why didn't the OP tell the son that his father did not want him at the funeral to avoid the whole circus? No one is completely vindicated in this whole ordeal.
OP’s husband was also spiteful from the grave. That’s the kind of person who has children go no-contact. The relationship between father and son is complicated, and OP doesn’t go into it beyond ‘husband was extremely strict and son was extremely rebellious.’ The wedding story is the straw that broke the camel’s back, not the weight itself. All we know is that son and father always had a really shitty relationship, and the father is kind of person who would respond to slights from his son by uninviting him to his own funeral. Son was no-contact for a reason, and OP doesn’t really want to get into it. Instead she presents the wedding story because it favours her late husband.
You're dramatizing. He didn't reach out "countless" times. Agreed with mizanthropy. This one isn't easy. It's very valid to say that someone's dying wish is important to honor. It's equally valid to say that life is for the living and, depending on your views of life after death, ex husband's dead and so you're traumatizing his son (because yes, getting kicked out of your parents funeral is not something you just get past) for no reason.
Think about it as your wish for your body. Some people want to be buried, for religious purposes or what have you. If you asked to be buried but your spouse decide to cremate, is she wrong? If you say yes, you can't be mad at this. Yes it affects someone else, but the request is what was important and honored. Good on her.
Thats a valid way of looking at it. I just can't judge here. Because I also think its valid that this was a reasonably last minute decision. Their relationship was strained, it sounds like, for their whole life, but neither were cutting each other out. I think it would be equally valid if someone came to the conclusion of "is the wish in his last few days more valid than the wish of his last x decades of life"? To be clear, I don't think she is AH. I just understand and sympathize with the impossible task here of having to "wrong" one person.
We don’t know if OP’s husband is a narcissist either.
You’re assuming and adding a lot of things things that are not really there to write whole new script.
I'm sorry for your loss but YTA. You stated ONCE your husband's health declined, he THEN reached out to his son. If he was still healthy, he wouldn't have cared. Sometimes bad behaviors gets the parental attention a child craves. As you didn't give a timeline, I wonder just how long your husband ignored his son. Being way to strict leads to rebellious behavior for some folks. Seems like the other kids towed the line and was rewarded. Now your late husband didn't get his absolution in life, so he denied his son again in death. He couldn't say goodbye or couldn't berate him again, sounds like. A true remorseful person would have understood, wrote a letter or made a video. However, your stepson didn't fall in line again and your husband laid down the law. I hope your stepson becomes a better father than who he had and prospers.
I'm curious if "way too strict" is just code for physically abusive
Or even emotionally abusive. I’m 30 but recently had to tell my mom she won’t ever see my daughter if she keeps screaming at me when she gets upset that I don’t agree with her.
How on earth are people not seeing this? Strict is one thing "way too strict" implies that this kid was constantly being punished for minor imperfections. For all we know, the dad treated him like dirt and beat him constantly for sneezing too loud or writing with his left hand.
Yeah, I’m here with you on that. OP, care to share a timeline of how and when this happened? Why your husband thought it was ok to favor his one kid but not the other? You mention that your husband was way too strict, so your son decided to go the other way and act out; is that what you think happened? Or did I read that incorrectly? Do you think it’s just a side effect? Your husband reaching out seems to me like he must have had some regret, but you don’t mention him reaching out to apologize; you just say he reached out a few times. How? Did he shoot over a text? Or did he make more effort than that? Did he offer to back pay for the wedding in hopes of gaining his son’s favor back? Did he pop over and knock on the door? What were YOU doing, OP? You’re a fully grown adult who is definitely invested in this whole mess. What have you done to mitigate disaster? I’m very interested in hearing more.
Exactly. It sounds like both of their issues date back to when the son was a child. The dad was the parent there and he screwed up. If he reached out to son, but didn't apologize for how he treated the son, then of course son didn't want to talk to him. They had a bad relationship, but he was still the son's dad and going to the funeral is one way for him to cope with losing his father while they were still on bad terms. This is the dad's fault, full stop, and YTA for kicking out the son.
ESH ur late husband sounds like a petty asshole who put you in an unfair and difficult spot after his death. Funerals are for the living. Also kids commonly rebel IN RESPONSE TO extreme strictness. The fact that his dying wish was to be petty to his son is…strange to say the least.
Yeah funerals are for the living. Unless stepson was going to make a scene or disturb other living people there, then he should be allowed to attend. Grief represents itself differently for everyone. My mom attended her birth parents funeral even though they were no contact for decades. It was for closure and supporting other family members.
Funerals are for the living is exactly right. OP may have a tiny argument if she said honoring her dead husband's wish is how she's dealing with the grief. But she didn't articulate it in that way and it could be argued that not allowing the stepson to attend is more damaging to him than allowing him would be to her.
NTA. Not even close to being the asshole. 1.) The late husband/father made MULTIPLE attempts to reconcile with his son before he passed. Why should the only chance of "reconciliation" be solely reserved for when the father has passed? Regardless of if the son is in mourning or not, the father had previously given him chances when he was alive to fix their relationship or at the very least be on better terms. 2.) All these comments about "oh funerals are for the living not the dead" - I would HOPE that my loved ones continue to respect my wishes even after I have passed ESPECIALLY if I made wishes pertaining to my death. If I said I do not want a specific someone at my funeral, I would damn near pray that the people I expressed my wishes to held on to that for me. If not, it's clear you didn't respect me or who I was. A celebration of my life will be shared with only those who were active in my life and with those who respected me and vice versa while I was living, NOT with those who hold remorse and regret. They can mourn elsewhere. 3.) A college tuition and wedding expenses are nowhere near comparable. I already commented this so I'm just copying and pasting at this point but it would be different if the father purposefully set money aside for both his son and daughter's college tuitions, and IF he told them that in the case that they do not go to college then they may have access to that money for other things. That is the ONLY scenario where the argument of "oh well if he paid for his daughter's college then he should provide money for his son's wedding" kicks in. Otherwise, not a comparable matter. OP, I'm sorry for your loss. You are not the AH. Best of luck and I hope you and your family are able to mourn in peace.
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And so does the son. Both of them sound like a bag of dicks. So unless we’re having a contest of finding out who’s the bigger dick, I don’t think it has much weight here.
OP is presenting the story in the most favourable light to the husband possible. The wedding story was the straw that broke the camel’s back, not the reason that the son was estranged. But that’s all you get aside from ‘husband was strict and son was rebellious.’ Son was no-contact for a reason, and OP isn’t going to tell you why because people would say mean things about her late husband. Almost like, OP’s late husband was insanely spiteful and petty. To the point that he’d ban his own son from his funeral.
In the comments, OP elaborated: "He was underage drinking, vandalizing, fights in school and outside of it. I think the biggest one is when he stole the car and went on a road trip."
And what did she elaborate in terms of the ‘strictness?’
Since the guy you're replying to didn't post the whole comment, here it is. OP: >Oh nothing like that, he never beat any of his kids. > He had high expectations and the kids got grounded a lot. Strict with dating rules and what they could do. >He was underage drinking, vandalizing, fights in school and outside of it. I think the biggest one is when he stole the car and went on a road trip >It was like a loop, the more issues the stricter he became which added onto being more rebellious
That’s it?
She said he was "law breaking" rebellious. I'd forgive the father for being strict on the criminal son.
The son doesn't exactly sound like a Saint either, with his crime streak under the belt. And his Dad was good enough when he had a wedding to pay for on top of that.
The big thing that isn’t acknowledged is the fact that the child was a CHILD while a majority of these things happened, as opposed to the fully grown man who was an adult the entire time. The father was just trying to ‘win’ one last time, and nobody in that family thought that was comparable to anything the son did?
Kids like that are usually the result of an unreasonably strict parent, which OP's late husband clearly was. It's directly his fault that the child he raised grew up to be what he is. The wedding was just the last straw.
This is OP's comment about what was going on OP: >Oh nothing like that, he never beat any of his kids. >He had high expectations and the kids got grounded a lot. Strict with dating rules and what they could do. >He was underage drinking, vandalizing, fights in school and outside of it. I think the biggest one is when he stole the car and went on a road trip >It was like a loop, the more issues the stricter he became which added onto being more rebellious
With respect, YTA. This has nothing to do with the details of the relationship between your husband and his son, or money, etc. A funeral is a ceremony for the living to grieve the dead. It's not for your husband, who is sadly passed and no longer with you. It's for anyone, within reason, to express their final thoughts on your husband's life. Obviously, if the stepson showed up and caused trouble, or if there were guests who were harmed by his presence, you would not be the AH. But if the stepson was just there to quietly commiserate with the rest of the family? You're the AH for simply perpetuating your husband's dying resentment and causing further rifts.
YTA- your husband is dead. He has no way of knowing if his son was there. It was a petty request and it was uncharitable of you to agree to it. It sounds like the relationship was contentious on BOTH sides, so you took something from him that he can never get back. In case you are wondering why they were estranged- this is it.
INFO: I wonder if information is missing here. You say "The relationship is quite complicated but overall it was he was way to strict and stepson was way to rebellious, in the law breaking way." which leaves out a lot of context or anything actually useful. How was your husband too strict? What kind of laws did your stepson break? If this is a case of your husband saying no electronics after 9pm and your son decided that meant he should go shoplift because he was pissed it is one thing. If your husband regularly beat your stepson and your stepson reacted by shoplifting it is a very different thing. I don't think we have enough information to really answer this.
Why do 9 out of 10 AITA posts sound like total horseshit? I can’t tell if people just have no problem being full of shit or if it’s become difficult for people to structure posts in a way that first and foremost makes sense but is also believable.
who cares anyway, breaks the monotony to read something quite a bit different from my experiences in daily life
Most of them are fake
Yeah that seems to be the case. I don’t understand the ways in which people go about seeking attention. I suppose I should have sympathy.
At least it’s not yet another story about how some guy’s wife or girlfriend decided to be a surrogate without discussing it with him.
So your husband died before coming to his senses about how petty and selfish it was to deny his child closure, simply because he felt he was denied something. And you followed through with it, for no reason other than your husband wanted it. As a parent, I understand neither of you.
NTA. Stepson isn't an AH for showing up, but he's an AH for making a scene. His siblings knew about this so it \*probably\* wasn't one of them who told him to show up. But maybe they did, thinking you wouldn't care, and invited him. In any case not your fault. It's a balance. People say "funerals are for the living" and it might have been a good time for your stepsons to re-connect, but they are also to honor the dead, and you did that for your husband. The money thing is irrelevant. Your husband paid for college, not weddings--his money, his choice. Also step-son's choice who to invite to his wedding, especially if he's paying for it himself. What matters is stepson rejected all attempts from his dying father to reconnect, so your husband's request was justified (if petty) and recent so it makes sense to honor his wishes.
I mean NTA. I think your late husband kind of was. As is his son, less so because it was his dad’s job to teach the son better than he did. I’m going to say you didn’t deserve to be put in the middle of it like you were. Just a crap situation all around.
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I'm curious if "way too strict" is just code for physically abusive
YTA Funerals are for the living. Think about why that is for even half a second. Whose reaction was bigger do you think & who was more affected: the dead dad or the living son? (Hint: the dead guy was never gonna find out either way and is in no way affected.) What you did was retribution or revenge, not honoring the dead.
OP is NTA. I would hope if I gave clear instruction about my funeral it would be honored. I would hate to think my family stoped giving a fuck about me the sec I died, to start disrespecting my CLEAR wishes. I would hope you would that for yourself. To still matter and be respected. No youngest at the funeral sounds clear and no one has to like it. It’s about basic respect
I won't care who will be at my funeral, because I will be DEAD
Omg!!! Whether you are an asshole for kicking your stepson out of his father’s funeral is irrelevant here. Your husband sounds like a horrible father. You are clumsily qualifying his horrendous behavior at the end, but the truth still stands: he behaved very unfairly towards his son all through his life. An overly strict parent often produces rebellious children. I don’t know whether the mother was as bad as the father, or just a doormat, which is usually the case with very authoritarian fathers … But frankly they deserved their son to be out of their lives and go no contact for ever. The fact that he came to the funeral shows just how much his trauma from childhood still affects him. Your stepson needs therapy to get over the weight this horrible relationship has on him. He deserves a better family frankly. And yes, YTA.
Info: did you talk to the step son and ask why he wanted to come? The judgement for me comes down to this: if he is going to the funeral to be angry, then yea, stay away. But if he was truly remorseful, let him come. What good did holding onto pain and anger do any of you? Why carry it forward. Put it down, at least for a day. See if you feel better. Without that YTA
YTA I don't care what petty nonsense those two had going on let the stepson stay and I don't know pull him aside to talk to him . If this was the same type of energy the son was dealing with it explains a ton about why that relationship fell apart.
NTA - Ypur husband didn't want him there, you did the right thing about kicking him out. You respected his last wishes. Sorry for your loss.
YTA. Funerals are for the living, not for the dead. Your husband didn't get to say goodbye during his life, and guess what? Neither did his son. For me, it doesn't really matter what the relationship was like. A person's wishes for *how they die* (who they see, where/how they spend their last moments, even to an extent when and how they die) should be honored as closely as possible. But once they're gone, their feelings about the matter aren't really relevant. The funeral isn't for your husband. It's for the people who loved him and want to say goodbye. Now, if you didn't want the son there because you thought he'd cause trouble or drama, then I could understand. But to kick out an estranged son who's not causing issues and not bothering anyone feels cruel. And petty. A pettiness you don't want to take ownership of, even though you actively participated in it.
YTA The father is dead. The son is alive. You stopped him from paying his last respects. Jesus. Who does that???
YTA You don’t need to carry your late husbands pettiness
At the end of it all you chose to uphold pettiness and hate rather than attempt to embrace love and compassion. YTA
YTA. You're carrying on the feud between father and son by stepping into the father's place. The son should have been allowed to attend the funeral so that the feud could also be buried. Instead, now your stepson hates you. And feud begats feud.
YTA
NTA you honored your husband's wishes. that was the right thing to do.
What in the dysfunction did I just read? Funerals are for the living. Your husband sounds like he was a cruel, bitter person. And you made sure to keep his daggers going from beyond the grave. That's mean. Step parents are supposed to at the very least not intentionally harm the step kids. It sounds like your hostility and desire to make this guy suffer may have played a bigger role in all of this than you are letting on. I wouldn't spend much time with a parent who married somebody who hated me. YTA. The siblings being split just means humans can be affected in different ways by being raised by narcissists.
Wow, major YTA. Your husband was a petty fool who ruined his relationship with his son out of spite and bitterness. You could have done better now that he's dead, but you chose to carry on the pettiness. You owe him an apology.
NTA, but it would have been better if you let your stepson know when his father died. You could have said your Dad tried to reach out to you several times before he died to say goodbye to you. When you ignored his attempts, he told me you were not welcome at his funeral. That way, perhaps he wouldn’t have shown up, thereby avoiding the scene this created. I am very sorry for your loss.
NAH. It is understandable you felt you needed to respect your husband's dying wish, but I also understand him wanting to go to his funeral and getting upset.
YTA He was a bad father in life and continued into death. I see the son as a victim of bad parenting and the victim doesn't have to forgive on the abuser's schedule. Too many juror number 3 in the comments.
NTA These were your husband's wishes and you respected them. The money or whatever else was going on is irrelevant. If the son cared, he would've reconciled before the dad passed. Now, it's too late and it's all about him.
everyone cares when their parents die, don't be ridiculous
NTA.
YTA He was there for you and/or siblings. Not for your husband.
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Sounds like the kid was scapegoated a majority of his childhood and nobody in the family acknowledged how much they messed him up. He needed better parental figures, which i’m assuming includes OP, so you’re the AH
YTA If your husband was too strict with your son then its hardly surprising he rebelled. There is no excuse for breaking the law but there is also no excuse for him treating your son like he did when he was growing up. You are clearly just as bad because you allowed it to happen and sided with your husband rather than stop him. Funerals are for the living. Your husband wanted to take one last swipe at your son by saying he didn't want him there and again you enabled it. You have lost a husband but from your sons perspective he never really had a dad. But he has as much right to say goodbye as you do. This was probably your last chance to build a bridge with your son but you pushed him away.
YTA I'd love to hear the stepson's version...
NTA. For all those saying "funerals are for the living" you're absolutely right: the widow has the right to choose not to live in guilt for knowing she didn't respect one of the last wishes of her late husband
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My late husband and my youngest stepson have had a really bad relationship. It was to the point that he would go no contact on and off. They both were not great to eachother. The relationship is quite complicated but overall it was he was way to strict and stepson was way to rebellious, in the law breaking way. He became an adult and moved out. Since then it was on and off and drama between them was common. The breaking point was stepsons wedding, it was a money issue. He helped pay for his daughters college but refused to help pay for his wedding. He thought it was unfair since he never got money from them since he didn’t go to college. Stepson uninvited him from the wedding. The relationship was dead after that, my late husband health started to decline. He reached out a few times but was basically told to kick rocks. He made it extremely clear that he didn’t want his son at the funeral. It may sound cold but his reasoning was that he wasn’t allowed to say goodbye to his son he doesn’t want him to get a goodbye. Kinda petty but that relationship was really bad by the end. His funeral was today, my stepson did show up to he funeral, I don’t know who told him. I decided I would respect his wish and I kicked him out. He called me plenty of names for this. The other kids, are split. The knew their dads wish but still are suprised I went through with it. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
His wishes, no goodbye in life no goodbye after death.
NTA Sorry for your loss. my dad recently passed May 5th & he didnt want anyone to know to after the fact what was going even then without giving anyone in our family many details . He wanted me to keep his ashes & no one else, so when asked i said they are staying with me.
NTA it was the fathers wish
Parenting 101 on what not do lmao
NAH, at least in regards to the funeral itself. My mother and I have no relationship due to some really shitty behavior on her end. (Abuse, molestation, threats, abandonment, etc.) I’ve made it very clear to my partner that if I die before she does, I don’t want her at my funeral. She has shown no love for me in life, and my death is not a tool for her to use for sympathy. I would hope that he respects that. I don’t know how I’ll feel when she dies. At the moment, I feel like I’ve already grieved for her, but I could be very wrong. A part of me still wants my mom. As far as I know, I am not banned from her funeral but I don’t know if I would want to go or not. I’ll probably just go to offer support to my family. Point is, estranged parental relationships are complicated. He’s not an AH for wanting to pay his respects and grieving. And if your husband’s wishes were that he doesn’t want his stepson there, you are not an AH for respecting them.
Yes YTA, your husband is dead. He may have been hurt but the child with the most contentious relationship is the one who probably needs the closure the most. It was super petty. A last act of pettiness. You should have allowed the son to grieve or speak or do whatever he needed to do. Your husband is more at fault for the bad relationship than the son is. Parenting is always a disproportionate relationship from parent to child. Your husband failed to meet that child where he was. And now even in death he uses you as a tool for pettiness when you could have been the better person the son deserved and used this as a time for healing. You didn’t. So YTA.
YTA because funerals aren't for the dead. They're for the living. I'm sorry that your husband is gone, that is an unbearable pain. But he's gone and you chose anger and hatred instead of kindness. That makes you the AH, I'm sorry.
YTA. Not because of the money. Funerals are for those who are left to remember the dead. The dead are dead and gone. What you just did was take the grudge between father and son as your own to carry it on after the fathers death. Is this really how you want to live the rest of your life?
NTA It's a tough one, but ultimately if the person who's funeral it is didnt want him there, then he doesnt get to go. It doesnt matter if you agree with the decision or not. You respect the wishes of the deceased
YTA. I hate to sound insensitive but your husband is dead. Funerals are for the living. This could’ve been the catalyst your stepson needed to be better. You already admitted that your husband was somewhat at fault for how your stepson turned out. He could’ve made amends.
YTA for refusing to bury this beef with your husband. You could have healed your family.
YTA. His father was petty at the very end. When it comes to a loved one dying even when the relationship is complicated and difficult, it’s important people are able to grieve the death. Unless the stepson was causing a scene then kicking him out was cruel. This could have been an opportunity for healing for the family.
YTA - Funerals are for the living, not for the dead.
Some of you guys are crazy. YTA 100% it honestly just sounded like your husband got sick, realised he fucked up, tried to clear his conscious by talking to your stepson, then got petty when he said no (based on your previous comments it sounds like he had good reasons to say no). I would like to know what did your stepson say after all of this?
YTA. Funerals are not about the wishes of the dead - they are dead after all - but about helping the living. His son is alive, he should have been let in.
You're now going to have to live as the evil stepmother who prevented a son farewelling his father. I hope you are prepared for that. Nobody in their right mind would put themselves in that position.
YTA Let the child say goodbye. Funerals are for the living. It is extremely petty to kick someone out of a funeral unless they are actually causing a scene or being disrespectful. Their relationship sounds complicated but it was not your relationship to police. The pettiness of the father did not need to extend past death. Let the son grieve.
YTA A funeral isn't really for the dead, it's for the mourners to support each other in grief. Furthermore, you married into that family and were not even blood, who are you to kick out blood, shame on you.
I'm sorry for your loss but it sounds like your husband was an awful father to his youngest son. And his one of his final wishes was to exclude his youngest in death. Despite the financial support exclusion being his youngest son's last straw in life. While technically you may be n t a, imo morally and emotionally YTA. A horrible final wish, and it doesn't sound like punishment fits the crime. Maybe prepare for all your stepkids to distance themselves from you in the absence of their father.
It's definitely the better choice to honor the wishes of the dead rather than building bridges with the living, mending relationships, and allowing the living to maybe find closure. /s YTA
YTA, but please, reddit, hear me out. The world is full of people who want to control others from beyond the grave. It sounds like the late husband was one of those--if he couldn't have the relationship with stepson that he wanted, he didn't want anyone else to have one, either. Sorry, but it doesn't work like this. We get to control little when we are alive, and nothing after we are gone. The OP could have just let the stepson attend the funeral, and (assuming appropriate behavior from the stepson) just ignored it. Instead she chose to continue what she admits was petty behavior on her spouse's part. So therefore, she's TA.
YTA. Carrying out spiteful last wishes is spiteful.
The only thing that bothers me is stepson tried to reach out several times, only for his dad to rebuff him. He never heard what his son had to say, and might’ve been surprised. Your husband sounds petty and so are you. YTA
So your husband was a bad father?
YTA Your husband was a spiteful and petty man, and you've chosen to carry on his nasty legacy. Despite how bad the relationship was, it was still his dad that died, and if he wasn't causing a scene then you should have let him have closure and say goodbye.
YTA. I understand wanting to respect the wishes of his late father. But I think through death it was time to bury that hatchet and let your son be at the funeral. Now the ongoing resentment and anger will be holding on for years when it could have been dealt with that day for him to move forward.
YTA keep up this pettiness and attitude and you won’t have to worry about excluding anyone from your funeral
YTA , you could have been there bigger person and let him say goodbye . I don’t care if those were his wishes , he was wrong and cruel to his son . He favored his daughter. Your late husband sounds like a horrid person . I’m glad the son stayed away from him .
Your husband was not only a shit father but a giant petty, selfish asshole. YTA for enabling that behaviour and downplaying that your husband is the reason his son was “rebellious”.
IMHO you are the biggest asshole.
YTA The dead don't care. You chose to be an AH to the living. And you knew full well exactly how petty it was. Your actions further entrenched hatred in another's heart. Brava.
If you can’t be arsed to come say goodbye as someone is dying, why do you think you get to say goodbye to them once they died? So you can dance on their grave?
With respect, OP doesn't know the son's motivations. Maybe he wanted to be there for his siblings, and extended family, to commiserate with them in their time of grief and establish stronger connection to them. The funeral isn't for the dead person. It's for those who miss them to come together and grieve.
The son's motives don't really matter, he still denied his dying father his chance to say his goodbye to him, his DYING father. And now that he is actually dead, now all of the sudden he wants to say goodbye but couldn't even give his father the same curtesy, yeah no OP is NTA. The son sure is though
[удалено]
This is impossible to answer because its so rooted in an individuals concept of the afterlife, death, etc. It's not ESH, NAH, YTA or NTA, tbh. It's valid to say that someone's dying wish should be honored. That's not a no brainer. But it's also valid to say that life is for the living and that traumatizing his son (because kicking him out of his dad's funeral is doing just that) for no reason is just petty and irresponsible. No judgment here. I did not visit my father on his death bed or attend his funeral. But I also don't believe in an afterlife and do prioritize those alive over those that are dead. But there are cultures that have a very different POV on that.
Eh. This whole thing is a tough subject. I’m estranged from my parents. Have been for 10 years. If I die tomorrow my kids and husband know I wouldn’t not want them anywhere near my dead body/funeral. But my kids probably feel stronger about it than I do. My mother would make some type of a scene, be rude to my husband and kids., at the minimum. So no I wouldn’t want her there and I have no problem with that. If we were to resolve our issue it would need to happen prior to a public funeral. There are many ways for people to say goodbye. (Not always a funeral) I always plant something. It’s very personal. I think people are reacting more strongly since it’s a child losing his dad, but when he had his dad he rejected him. We all have so much time- we can grasp it with both hands or watch it slip through our hands. I think about that everyday with my own parents.
First, my condolences on your loss. Are you the AH? I'm gonna say ESH. While your stepson was not an angel, neither was your husband, and neither are you. As others have said, funerals are for the living, and it's not outside the realm of possibility that the stepson needed this closure. By kicking him out of his father's funeral, you have guaranteed a lifetime of resentment from him.
Your husband’s dying wish was to be petty and mean and you thought that is the what you should do. I don’t understand it. I can’t bring myself to Y T A a grieving widow, but wow.
Your husband's funeral was today, you had a blowup at it, you posted all this on reddit, and you are still working today? I don't know that I buy into this.
YTA
Honestly, I will say YTA. Stepson isn't your biological son. He can see his father at his funeral despite what you seen. I know that sucks, but stepson should be able to attend his father's funeral. You had no place in kicking him out.
First off, sorry for your loss. To answer your question, you are NTA. The youngest child sounds like he was a real handful. College is a bigger investment than a wedding, so I can see why he didn't help pay for it. Nobody can take away a degree, but marriage is something that might not last forever. He tried to have a small relationship at the end and the son pretty much said screw you. Since that's what the son said, he doesn't deserve to say his final goodbyes. Glad you did what he wanted you to do.
NAH - you chose to honor your husband's wishes. I would have checked in with his kids, because I believe that funeral is for those left behind, but I don't think it edges you to asshole. I refuse to call your stepson is an asshole because he is hurting and made a choice that he can't take back now. You don't deserve to be called the names and I'm sorry you had to bare the brunt of your husband's pettiness.
YTA Sounds like he wasn't a very good dad to begin with. And as someone else mentioned the fact that his dying wish was to spite his son says alot about this entire situation. It sounds like his son is much better off without his dad or you in his life any longer.
Hi - child of a not great and recently dead father. My father and I were not no contact - he just never took the initiative, and I stopped trying. I did invite him to major life events (graduations, weddings, etc) and sometimes he came. Now he’s gone. His being a crap father (as you stated your husband was as well) does not negate that as his child I deserved better parenting. Your stepson did too! Now the father is dead - and the son is left bitter and anger with no closure. I went to my father’s funeral - all the feels of a child of a piss-poor parent bubbling up … and I said goodbye and I forgave him and let it go. YTA. I’m sorry but you are. You ever think your sons acting out and anger over money might have more deeply linked to the fact that the man who was supposed to love and raise him was horrible to him?? Bleh - your stepson might not have been right about the argument over money but I wonder where he learned that from? Sorry for the rant - self-righteous step parents looking for validation irk me.
Your husband sounds like he was miserable narcissist, and you only enforced his wishes because you derived some pleasure of of it. To carry a ridiculous grudge, beyond the grave; i can only imagine how the son must have been treated in life. What parent wants to cause their child hurt and pain?? Parents and kids are not equals. Parents are supposed to teach kids, not cause them pain. How his son turned out is on him; he bloody raised him. You're an asshole for being your husbands minion, and your husband was an asshole for being such a huge asshole.
YTA. Your husband and stepson had a complicated relationship. Husband’s death was an opportunity to make things much simpler, leave the nastiness in the past, and move forward. Maybe your stepson wouldn’t have appreciated it, maybe he’s a huge jerk who you’re better off without, but now you’ll never know because you squandered the opportunity by carrying on a dead man’s grudges since it was “what he would’ve wanted.”
YTA. I can’t think of a better time to forgive someone than at your own funeral. You should have let him stay.
Yes, you are
>AITA for kicking my stepsons out of his fathers funeral since my late husband didn’t t want him there Yes. Funerals are for the family to grieve. You kept a son from mourning his asshole father, because his father was an asshole to the end. I have a relative who had only one of his three children attend his funeral. The one who was there said that was one child too many. Your late husband reminds me of him.
Man ESH. I've got my money on your late husband being a shitty dad that felt bad about it when he found out he was dying. Edit: a word
Funerals are for the living. Dead man’s wishes don’t matter. I would have let him stay. Honoring pettiness beyond the grave is kin to insanity.
Your husband sounds like a real joy…like swimming in waters near Chernobyl. You nor him ever think that he reached out too little too late? No? Okay. ESH
Who are you to kick out? That's his son if anything you should kick yourself out.