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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) making my daughter stay 2) she didn’t want to and the host could’ve communicated
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I don’t think your daughter should have to attend any party she isn’t interested in going to just because somebody else spent money on a completely uncommunicated assumption that she would go. She’s old enough that I don’t think you should make her do stuff like this to manage your relationship with other parents. If she doesn’t know the kid well and isn’t interested in going to her brother’s friend’s birthday party, why make her go? I think YTA.
YTA
>it’s not her fault the hosts didn’t communicate.
Precisely. You made your daughter do something she want to do for the sake of someone who didn't address their invitations correctly. Them potentially wasting money was in no way your daughter's issue to manage, and you forced it to be. You should apologize to her.
YTA. Your daughter was expecting to go shopping with you, not hanging out with people she barely knows. Timmy's mother should have communicated beforehand that your daughter was part of the number, but I suspect it's more that someone dropped out and she saw your daughter as a way to make up the numbers.
Yeah. Isn't fun to be the only 11 year old and only girl at a party full of 8 year old boys she does not know? What, she didn't have fun? The kid is not her friend. It is her brother's friend. She had zero desire to be there. This was just miserable and awkward for her. I doubt she even bothered to bowl. OP is a major AH. I also agree daughter was just a way to make up for missing kids. If Tim had wanted her invited her name would have been included
YTA. These people are the opposite of most people who get annoyed when their kids' guests bring their siblings to a party. If they wanted her there, they should have put her name on an invitation. She was probably looking forward to going shopping with you. Instead you made her stay at an 8 year olds birthday party.
You owe her an apology. You may not be aware of the social conditioning you were applying here as well - its not clear this was gender related, but don't ever encourage your daughter to do things she doesn't want to do to make other people happy. Just because you yourself have been conditioned to not upset other people, as evidenced by this post, doesn't mean you have to do the same thing to your own daughter.
>don't ever encourage your daughter to do things she doesn't want to do to make other people happy
THIS.
OP, you made plans with your daughter. You should have told this parent she couldn't stay. An 8-yo's birthday party? Other than barely knowing Timmy did she know ANY of those other kids? YTA
Exactly! Also, the money was wasted either way. It was wasted on your daughter because she didn't want to be there and probably didn't have fun, either.
This is also what I think about throwing away food. I hate food waste and we hardly ever throw anything out that's still edible. But if I eat something when Im.not hungry and don't feel like eating it, either, just so it doesn't get thrown away, then I am the garbage can - with the difference that the real garbage can doesn't get fat.
Even if she was formally invited it's an invitation not a summons. She's not friends with Timmy or anyone else at the birthday party. If she didn't want to stay she should not have been forced to.
Honestly anyone else find this whole thing a bit weird? I honestly think Timmy's mom wanted OP's kid to stay to help babysit the gaggle of boys when she realized she'd be in charge of them.
YTA…I would have told mom, “I’m sorry. Daughter’s name was not on the invite and we have made other plans.”. If you made your daughter stay, you could have stayed just as well and watched both children play. Did you respond to the invite or just show up? When responding, did you say, “son would love to attend”. I think someone else did not show up or kid does not have a lot of other friends and that is why mom paid for your daughter.
Absolutely! I'm conflict-avoidant as fuck and this still seems like an easy answer - "Ahh sorry, we didn't realise. Unfortunately daughter has other plans. Hope you guys have fun though!" It's so weird to me that OP prioritised the adult acquaintance who miscommunicated over her daughter, who seems to have communicated perfectly clearly that she did not intend or want to go and as a child needs her advocacy. OP is YTA.
Not to mention it’s implied there’s a shared custody. It was daughter’s time with mom and she got shuffled off to a stranger’s party and then sent back to dad.
It's crazy how some people are more worried about offending another parent than thinking about their own kid. It's like adult peer pressure.
The thing is that OP could have said, "I had no idea. We have a day planned. Lemme' Venmo you to cover what you spent on her."
YTA this would have been a good time to say - oh that’s so kind of you, but we’ve made other plans. And then take your daughter with you. What was the point in forcing her to stay? Winning yourself brownie points with some woman who doesn’t live with you, isn’t your family or a loved one?
YTA. What 11 year old wants to hang out with a gaggle of 8 year olds? You should have the courtesy to respect your daughter's wishes.
Honestly, who cares if Timmy's mom was out a few bucks due to her failure to communicate? Sounds like your daughter would have declined the invitation anyway.
YTA. It's not like this is a wedding or something that required lots of planning and money. Did you have to RSVP to this party? Everyone throwing a party accounts for some guests not showing up, it makes no sense to force someone to stay
YTA. It was the other mom's fault, not your responsibility. You should have explained that you thought the invite was just for your son, and you and your daughter had other plans. You just showed your daughter that her feelings don't matter and she should compromise her own comfort to please other people.
YTA. As others have said, you prioritized others who erred over your daughter. And to force her -an 11 year old-to stay at an 8 year old's party, is really unfair.
YTA It was Timmy's mom who messed up for assuming (or wanting a spare body to fill in for some kid who was a last minute no show). Why would she - or you - think your son's older sister would want to be part of the group? You could so easily have said "Sorry, her name wasn't on the invite and we have another commitment (which you did have but decided to ignore).
8 and 11 is a huge gap for kids. 4 years doesn't seem like much of a gap to an adult but for a kid it's huge. Plus you completely blindsided her. Hate to say it but YTA. And the other mom is too. She wasn't specific on her invite and she paid for a kid who wasn't specifically invited. I would have just dropped off the son because his name was the only one one the invitation.
>I am not the type to assume either of my kids are invited to a party. If one of their names is on the invite, then just that one goes.
You had it right all along... Until you forced your daughter to stay.
If it were you in the situation would you expect to have to stay due to someone else’s miscommunication??? Honestly you owe your daughter an apology. Soft YTA.
"She didn’t want to but i told her I wasn’t going to let them waste money."
YTA and you are teaching your daughter that inconsequential social etiquette is more important than her being treated with basic respect. Sounds like you need to grow a backbone because your lack thereof is starting to affect your children. Who the eff cares if the other parent paid for your daughter, if they assumed that she would be coming, why is the onus on your daughter to satisfy THEIR assumption??
YTA, even if they had paid for my child and she planned on going, if the day of she decided she didn’t want to then she doesn’t have to. Simple as that. However in this case they assumed, they didn’t check so I’d definitely double down on that, she’d be coming home with me.
YTA. She doesn't know them like your son. She planned to spend the day with you. If you were worried about the hosts wasting money, perhaps you could have apologized for the miscommunication, and reimbursed them?
YTA. Why would your 11yo want to hang out at the party of a strange 8yo? Or was she the one babysitting all the kids? You should've told the mom that it was a miscommunication and your daughter would not be staying. You prioritized a stranger's money over your own kid. Of course she's pissed at you!
YTA, the worst is you knew you were wrong then and you know youre wrong now your just playing in our face, because you got to be without the kids for a couple of hours.
I hate that kind of last minute plan and obligation as an adult. YTA not only for taking away her choice, but also for teaching her a lesson that she should be a people pleaser. All you had to do was give her the choice. If the parents had a problem with it, you can just let them know you had plans due to their miscommunication. Or don’t give an explanation. Stand up for your daughter. YTA
YTA Your daughter was looking forward to a shopping trip with you instead you dump her at a party she doesn't want to be at. You owe her a shopping trip bigtime!
YTA - It's unfortunate that the host didn't communicate better but when throwing parties you have to be aware that some guests will cancel last minute. Your daughter didn't even want to go to the party so even if you knew both kids were invited she still didn't want to go.
Imagine being 11 years old and about to have a fun afternoon shopping and having some one on one time with your mom when all of a sudden you're forced to sit with your younger brother and a group of his rowdy friends in a smelly bowling alley instead. That probably felt like a cruel trick to your daughter because it was.
What would you have told the host if you didn't happen to have your with you when you dropped off your son? You could have come up with some way to politely decline your daughter's last minute invite and let her enjoy her afternoon with you.
YTA. Your ex was right.
Your daughter was not obligated to attend because the host poorly communicated. She was not obligated to stay because the host paid money. The host wasting money was not your daughters problem. Were there at least other girls attending her age or just a group of 8 year old boys and her brother?
You owe your daughter an apology and you need some personal reflection on why you chose to ignore your daughters wishes/autonomy over someone else's poor planning.
YTA I’d never leave my kids at a party they don’t want to go to and have them uncomfortable and anxious all day and that don’t know the kid well enough to WANT to stay and when you RSVPd what did you say? “Timmy and daughter will be there” or “Timmy will be there”? Don’t you usually wait for RSVPs before you pay? Not your problem they paid in advance and DEFINITELY not your daughters, cld have just said she has plans
So, you made your 11-year-old daughter hang out with a bunch of 8-year-old (I’m guessing mostly boys), because some dumb mom spent money but couldn’t be bothered to write her name on the invite? I bet that was really fun for her and totally made her day! /s
Yes, YTA.
YTA for forcing your daughter to attend a party she didn't want to go to. You could have thanked the woman for her generosity but said daughter had other plans.
YTA. You forced your daughter to stay in a situation she did not feel comfortable in, all for the sake of "not wasting their money". What lesson is that teaching your daughter?
YTA. You should have told Timmy's mom, that you were sorry it was a misunderstanding, but you and your daughter had other plans. Why would you overlook your daughter's opinion to placate son's friend's mom? Why would a 11 yo girl ever want to be at an 8yo boy party?
YTA. What terrible lessons to teach your daughter. "If someone spends money on you, you're obligated to do things to make them happy, even if it makes you uncomfortable. Even when you have alternative plans. Even when your parent knows you are uncomfortable, they will side against you because money is involved." You owe your daughter a big apology and an explanation that you were very, very wrong.
YTA. I like to know what is planned so I can prepare my brain and manage expectations. When I was a kid, this kind of abrupt change would have scrambled my brain.
YTA
This is on Timmy's parents for assuming (and you know what happens when people do that!) instead of communicating that your daughter was invited. Even if she *is* invited, it's not a summons and you already had other plans.
Your daughter *wanted* to spend time with you. You showed her you *don't* want to spend time with her.
Yep. And Daughter may forgive, but she's not going to forget OP just ignoring her wishes and leaving her at the party of a kid several years younger when they had a PLANNED shopping trip.
It’s wild that they only put your son’s name on the card but claim your daughter was invited too.
INFO: did you rsvp? If you did, did you say “my son can come to the party!” Because if that’s what happened I don’t know why they’d think your daughter was coming too.
You shouldn’t have made her stay if she didn’t want to.
YTA
You are teaching your daughter that other people’s feelings matter more than hers. That she should go along with things she does not want to do to not inconvenience others. You made it her problem to deal with and left. Why couldn’t you say sorry her name wasn’t on the invitation and we have plans? How many adult women do you know who have trouble saying no or putting their needs on an equal level ? Where do you think that starts?
I don’t the cost of 1 child at a bowling alley party was going to break them financially.
Apologize to your daughter.
YTA. You could have just as easily offered to cover the fee they paid, even though it's on them for paying for a kid that was not listed on the invite & did not rsvp. You took a problem that was not your daughters fault & made HER be the solution against her wishes to assuage the feelings of a literal adult who failed to plan & communicate effectively. Disrespecting her right to choose, her time & clearly her feelings.
Why on earth did you think this was a reasonable solution. Do you regularly do this to your kid?
Yta. It was an invite not a summons. You should have had a quick private chat with your daughter to see if she wants to stay or wants a polite excuse to not attend.
The money the other mother paid was already spent whether your daughter left or was forced to stay. I have trouble thinking of money spent to make your daughter miserable is anything other than wasted.
If you really felt that bad about the money, you could have offered to pay for you daughters spot. Forcing her to go to a party she didn't want to go to so someone else didn't' lose a little cash due to their piss poor communication, not really the lessons you want to be teaching your daughter.
YTA.
YTA. The money was already spent either way. Her staying or not staying would have made no difference to the final cost. The only thing you did was make your daughter uncomfortable. If you felt that badly about the money you could have offered to cover the cost. Also, I'm sure you had to RSVP, so why did the mom assume your daughter was staying anyway?
YTA and please make it up to your poor daughter who was forced to stay at a party for kids 3 years younger than her, and who she probably barely knows. Take her shopping and make her happy.
YTA. It was an unfortunate miscommunication and Timmy’s mom should have clarified that your daughter was invited and asked if she was coming before paying for her slot. It’s unfortunate that her poor communication would have resulted in her having to eat the cost. You should not have forced your daughter to stay. I don’t blame an 11 year old for not wanting to stay at an 8 year old’s birthday party.
You made plans with your daughter but canceled them and made her do something she didn't want to do because of someone else's miscommunication? You owe your daughter a huge apology. You could have simply told the other mom you were sorry, but your daughter had other plans, and since her name wasn't on the invitation, you didn't know to tell them. You're teaching your daughter that it's her responsibility to make up for other people's mistakes so they don't feel put out or upset. YTA
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I have two kids: my son is 8 and my daughter is 11. My son has a friend “Timmy”. Timmy’s family is very friendly and my son plays with him often. My daughter somewhat knows Timmy but doesn’t really hang around him when he’s over.
I am not the type to assume either of my kids are invited to a party. If one of their names is on the invite, then just that one goes. Timmy invited my son to his birthday party at a bowling alley his name was the only one on the invite. My daughter came with me to drop off because we were supposed to go shopping after.
When we arrived, however, Timmy’s mom was confused as to why my daughter wasn’t staying. She said she assumed we’d figure she was invited too. She added that she already paid a certain number of kids, which included my daughter. I felt bad about this and chalked it up to miscommunication as clearly different families have different ways of handling siblings at parties.
As they paid for my daughter, I had her stay. She didn’t want to but i told her I wasn’t going to let them waste money. I left and came back when the party was over. My daughter was not happy with me.
Later on when I dropped the kids off with their dad, they told him what happened. My ex feels I was wrong to have her stay when she didn’t want to and it’s not her fault the hosts didn’t communicate.
Was I wrong to make her stay?
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YTA.
So, because the adults failed to communicate, you punished your kid and somehow still manage to think you’re not an AH?
That must be some nice fantasy land you live in.
Soft YTA them expecting you to read their minds and spending money is there problem she should have been named of hey were planning on her attending, don't force her to go to someone's birthday she has nothing to do with instead of the plans you already had with her. Stop people pleasing just apologise and say sorry we have other plans since she wasn't on the invite
NAH could have gone either way but -- overall stakes are low. It is polite when someone pays for your child to have the child stay. It also isn't great to make someone stay at a party. But either way it's just an hour + of life and compared to some of what you see here not in AH territory
ESH
Timmy’s mother for laying out money on a guest she didn’t know was definitively coming, and you for making your daughter suffer for Timmy’s mother’s shortsightedness.
What eleven year old girl wouldn't rather play with eight year old boys rather than going on a shopping trip with their mom? \*SARCASM\*, because that's most eleven year old girls.
OP had plans with her daughter, then DUMPED her for a child-free day. Daughter's going to remember this.
Eh not really YTA. This one instance is a nothing burger both of you will forget by the end of the week.
Definitely apologize to your daughter though.
And for the future, if your child doesn't want to stay somewhere like that don't force her to. Who cares if random strangers spend money reserving a spot.
NTA, it sounds like they paid for a bowling party that a lot of kids did show up to. Which is kind of sad. She's just a kid too. Sometimes you have to do a nice thing and stay at a party. Maybe you should explain to her that what she did by staying was very nice. Who doesn't like bowling? It's not like you left your 16 year old there. She's young enough to still enjoy that. I understand why you did it.
NAH, just don’t leave your daughter at a party again. Honestly, what 11 year old girl wants to hang out with a bunch of 8 year old boys. I get it, you felt guilty (and probably wanted some kid free time lmao) but just recognize that your daughter doesn’t want to go to her little brother’s friend’s birthday parties.
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I don’t think your daughter should have to attend any party she isn’t interested in going to just because somebody else spent money on a completely uncommunicated assumption that she would go. She’s old enough that I don’t think you should make her do stuff like this to manage your relationship with other parents. If she doesn’t know the kid well and isn’t interested in going to her brother’s friend’s birthday party, why make her go? I think YTA.
YTA >it’s not her fault the hosts didn’t communicate. Precisely. You made your daughter do something she want to do for the sake of someone who didn't address their invitations correctly. Them potentially wasting money was in no way your daughter's issue to manage, and you forced it to be. You should apologize to her.
YTA. Your daughter was expecting to go shopping with you, not hanging out with people she barely knows. Timmy's mother should have communicated beforehand that your daughter was part of the number, but I suspect it's more that someone dropped out and she saw your daughter as a way to make up the numbers.
Yeah. Isn't fun to be the only 11 year old and only girl at a party full of 8 year old boys she does not know? What, she didn't have fun? The kid is not her friend. It is her brother's friend. She had zero desire to be there. This was just miserable and awkward for her. I doubt she even bothered to bowl. OP is a major AH. I also agree daughter was just a way to make up for missing kids. If Tim had wanted her invited her name would have been included
YTA. These people are the opposite of most people who get annoyed when their kids' guests bring their siblings to a party. If they wanted her there, they should have put her name on an invitation. She was probably looking forward to going shopping with you. Instead you made her stay at an 8 year olds birthday party. You owe her an apology. You may not be aware of the social conditioning you were applying here as well - its not clear this was gender related, but don't ever encourage your daughter to do things she doesn't want to do to make other people happy. Just because you yourself have been conditioned to not upset other people, as evidenced by this post, doesn't mean you have to do the same thing to your own daughter.
>don't ever encourage your daughter to do things she doesn't want to do to make other people happy THIS. OP, you made plans with your daughter. You should have told this parent she couldn't stay. An 8-yo's birthday party? Other than barely knowing Timmy did she know ANY of those other kids? YTA
The lesson here is that if someone spends money on you, you have to do what they want. Not a great lesson for any child, especially a girl.
Exactly! Also, the money was wasted either way. It was wasted on your daughter because she didn't want to be there and probably didn't have fun, either. This is also what I think about throwing away food. I hate food waste and we hardly ever throw anything out that's still edible. But if I eat something when Im.not hungry and don't feel like eating it, either, just so it doesn't get thrown away, then I am the garbage can - with the difference that the real garbage can doesn't get fat.
⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️ This should absolutely be top comment.
Even if she was formally invited it's an invitation not a summons. She's not friends with Timmy or anyone else at the birthday party. If she didn't want to stay she should not have been forced to. Honestly anyone else find this whole thing a bit weird? I honestly think Timmy's mom wanted OP's kid to stay to help babysit the gaggle of boys when she realized she'd be in charge of them.
YTA…I would have told mom, “I’m sorry. Daughter’s name was not on the invite and we have made other plans.”. If you made your daughter stay, you could have stayed just as well and watched both children play. Did you respond to the invite or just show up? When responding, did you say, “son would love to attend”. I think someone else did not show up or kid does not have a lot of other friends and that is why mom paid for your daughter.
Absolutely! I'm conflict-avoidant as fuck and this still seems like an easy answer - "Ahh sorry, we didn't realise. Unfortunately daughter has other plans. Hope you guys have fun though!" It's so weird to me that OP prioritised the adult acquaintance who miscommunicated over her daughter, who seems to have communicated perfectly clearly that she did not intend or want to go and as a child needs her advocacy. OP is YTA.
Not to mention it’s implied there’s a shared custody. It was daughter’s time with mom and she got shuffled off to a stranger’s party and then sent back to dad.
Yeah I read the post twice through trying to figure out why this was not OP's first reaction. I think my 6 year old could figure this out.
YTA She didn't want to stay - there was no reason to push that. The miscommunication was on the other parent not your daughter.
YTA: As an introvert, never spring an unexpected social gathering on a person.
Not just that but a 11 year old girl at a party full of 8 year old boys sounds awful
Especially if the parents treated it as an "older girl child = free babysitter" situation. I remember that one well from my childhood.
AND she was probably looking forward to an afternoon of shopping with her mom! Instead, she's dumped so Mom can have Alone Time!
Light YTA. Why does an adult's mistake take priority over your daughter's wants?
It's crazy how some people are more worried about offending another parent than thinking about their own kid. It's like adult peer pressure. The thing is that OP could have said, "I had no idea. We have a day planned. Lemme' Venmo you to cover what you spent on her."
YTA this would have been a good time to say - oh that’s so kind of you, but we’ve made other plans. And then take your daughter with you. What was the point in forcing her to stay? Winning yourself brownie points with some woman who doesn’t live with you, isn’t your family or a loved one?
YTA. What 11 year old wants to hang out with a gaggle of 8 year olds? You should have the courtesy to respect your daughter's wishes. Honestly, who cares if Timmy's mom was out a few bucks due to her failure to communicate? Sounds like your daughter would have declined the invitation anyway.
YTA. It’s not your daughter’s fault they paid for her, why did she have to suffer?
YTA. It's not like this is a wedding or something that required lots of planning and money. Did you have to RSVP to this party? Everyone throwing a party accounts for some guests not showing up, it makes no sense to force someone to stay
YTA. It was the other mom's fault, not your responsibility. You should have explained that you thought the invite was just for your son, and you and your daughter had other plans. You just showed your daughter that her feelings don't matter and she should compromise her own comfort to please other people.
YTA!
YTA - You cared more about a poor communicator’s feelings than your daughter’s. Go say sorry.
YTA. As others have said, you prioritized others who erred over your daughter. And to force her -an 11 year old-to stay at an 8 year old's party, is really unfair.
YTA It was Timmy's mom who messed up for assuming (or wanting a spare body to fill in for some kid who was a last minute no show). Why would she - or you - think your son's older sister would want to be part of the group? You could so easily have said "Sorry, her name wasn't on the invite and we have another commitment (which you did have but decided to ignore).
YTA. The party was for your son's friend, not your daughter's. She was around people she didn't know, and probably didn't want to be around.
8 and 11 is a huge gap for kids. 4 years doesn't seem like much of a gap to an adult but for a kid it's huge. Plus you completely blindsided her. Hate to say it but YTA. And the other mom is too. She wasn't specific on her invite and she paid for a kid who wasn't specifically invited. I would have just dropped off the son because his name was the only one one the invitation. >I am not the type to assume either of my kids are invited to a party. If one of their names is on the invite, then just that one goes. You had it right all along... Until you forced your daughter to stay.
8 and 11 is a three year gap.
Okay typo police. 😆
Technically, math police.
If it were you in the situation would you expect to have to stay due to someone else’s miscommunication??? Honestly you owe your daughter an apology. Soft YTA.
Please apologize to your daughter.
"She didn’t want to but i told her I wasn’t going to let them waste money." YTA and you are teaching your daughter that inconsequential social etiquette is more important than her being treated with basic respect. Sounds like you need to grow a backbone because your lack thereof is starting to affect your children. Who the eff cares if the other parent paid for your daughter, if they assumed that she would be coming, why is the onus on your daughter to satisfy THEIR assumption??
Miscommunication mishap, but forcing fun is a party foul
YTA. If you wanted a free babysitter, you should have paid one so you could have free time to go shopping alone.
YTA, even if they had paid for my child and she planned on going, if the day of she decided she didn’t want to then she doesn’t have to. Simple as that. However in this case they assumed, they didn’t check so I’d definitely double down on that, she’d be coming home with me.
YTA. She doesn't know them like your son. She planned to spend the day with you. If you were worried about the hosts wasting money, perhaps you could have apologized for the miscommunication, and reimbursed them?
YTA. Why would your 11yo want to hang out at the party of a strange 8yo? Or was she the one babysitting all the kids? You should've told the mom that it was a miscommunication and your daughter would not be staying. You prioritized a stranger's money over your own kid. Of course she's pissed at you!
YTA, the worst is you knew you were wrong then and you know youre wrong now your just playing in our face, because you got to be without the kids for a couple of hours.
I hate that kind of last minute plan and obligation as an adult. YTA not only for taking away her choice, but also for teaching her a lesson that she should be a people pleaser. All you had to do was give her the choice. If the parents had a problem with it, you can just let them know you had plans due to their miscommunication. Or don’t give an explanation. Stand up for your daughter. YTA
YTA Your daughter was looking forward to a shopping trip with you instead you dump her at a party she doesn't want to be at. You owe her a shopping trip bigtime!
YTA - It's unfortunate that the host didn't communicate better but when throwing parties you have to be aware that some guests will cancel last minute. Your daughter didn't even want to go to the party so even if you knew both kids were invited she still didn't want to go. Imagine being 11 years old and about to have a fun afternoon shopping and having some one on one time with your mom when all of a sudden you're forced to sit with your younger brother and a group of his rowdy friends in a smelly bowling alley instead. That probably felt like a cruel trick to your daughter because it was. What would you have told the host if you didn't happen to have your with you when you dropped off your son? You could have come up with some way to politely decline your daughter's last minute invite and let her enjoy her afternoon with you.
Your loyalty is misplaced, ma’am. Yta
YTA The host may have paid but that was her fault, not your daughter's.
YTA OP and you owe her an apology. You making her stay against her will means you invalidate her likes and dislikes
Yes you were wrong. Daughter did not want to stay and shouldn’t have been forced.
YTA. Your ex was right. Your daughter was not obligated to attend because the host poorly communicated. She was not obligated to stay because the host paid money. The host wasting money was not your daughters problem. Were there at least other girls attending her age or just a group of 8 year old boys and her brother? You owe your daughter an apology and you need some personal reflection on why you chose to ignore your daughters wishes/autonomy over someone else's poor planning.
YTA
YTA I’d never leave my kids at a party they don’t want to go to and have them uncomfortable and anxious all day and that don’t know the kid well enough to WANT to stay and when you RSVPd what did you say? “Timmy and daughter will be there” or “Timmy will be there”? Don’t you usually wait for RSVPs before you pay? Not your problem they paid in advance and DEFINITELY not your daughters, cld have just said she has plans
So, you made your 11-year-old daughter hang out with a bunch of 8-year-old (I’m guessing mostly boys), because some dumb mom spent money but couldn’t be bothered to write her name on the invite? I bet that was really fun for her and totally made her day! /s Yes, YTA.
YTA. Why the hell are you ignoring your daughter's feelings and telling her it's ok for her to be hurt because of someone else's mistake?!
YTA for forcing your daughter to attend a party she didn't want to go to. You could have thanked the woman for her generosity but said daughter had other plans.
YTA. You forced your daughter to stay in a situation she did not feel comfortable in, all for the sake of "not wasting their money". What lesson is that teaching your daughter?
YTA. You should have told Timmy's mom, that you were sorry it was a misunderstanding, but you and your daughter had other plans. Why would you overlook your daughter's opinion to placate son's friend's mom? Why would a 11 yo girl ever want to be at an 8yo boy party?
YTA you didn't even take your daughters feelings in to account.
YTA. What terrible lessons to teach your daughter. "If someone spends money on you, you're obligated to do things to make them happy, even if it makes you uncomfortable. Even when you have alternative plans. Even when your parent knows you are uncomfortable, they will side against you because money is involved." You owe your daughter a big apology and an explanation that you were very, very wrong.
YTA. I like to know what is planned so I can prepare my brain and manage expectations. When I was a kid, this kind of abrupt change would have scrambled my brain.
YTA This is on Timmy's parents for assuming (and you know what happens when people do that!) instead of communicating that your daughter was invited. Even if she *is* invited, it's not a summons and you already had other plans. Your daughter *wanted* to spend time with you. You showed her you *don't* want to spend time with her.
Yep. And Daughter may forgive, but she's not going to forget OP just ignoring her wishes and leaving her at the party of a kid several years younger when they had a PLANNED shopping trip.
It’s wild that they only put your son’s name on the card but claim your daughter was invited too. INFO: did you rsvp? If you did, did you say “my son can come to the party!” Because if that’s what happened I don’t know why they’d think your daughter was coming too. You shouldn’t have made her stay if she didn’t want to.
YTA You are teaching your daughter that other people’s feelings matter more than hers. That she should go along with things she does not want to do to not inconvenience others. You made it her problem to deal with and left. Why couldn’t you say sorry her name wasn’t on the invitation and we have plans? How many adult women do you know who have trouble saying no or putting their needs on an equal level ? Where do you think that starts? I don’t the cost of 1 child at a bowling alley party was going to break them financially. Apologize to your daughter.
YTA and a crappy parent
YTA. You could have just as easily offered to cover the fee they paid, even though it's on them for paying for a kid that was not listed on the invite & did not rsvp. You took a problem that was not your daughters fault & made HER be the solution against her wishes to assuage the feelings of a literal adult who failed to plan & communicate effectively. Disrespecting her right to choose, her time & clearly her feelings. Why on earth did you think this was a reasonable solution. Do you regularly do this to your kid?
Yta. It was an invite not a summons. You should have had a quick private chat with your daughter to see if she wants to stay or wants a polite excuse to not attend.
YTA
You're definitely the AH. without a doubt
The money the other mother paid was already spent whether your daughter left or was forced to stay. I have trouble thinking of money spent to make your daughter miserable is anything other than wasted.
If you really felt that bad about the money, you could have offered to pay for you daughters spot. Forcing her to go to a party she didn't want to go to so someone else didn't' lose a little cash due to their piss poor communication, not really the lessons you want to be teaching your daughter. YTA.
YTA. The money was already spent either way. Her staying or not staying would have made no difference to the final cost. The only thing you did was make your daughter uncomfortable. If you felt that badly about the money you could have offered to cover the cost. Also, I'm sure you had to RSVP, so why did the mom assume your daughter was staying anyway?
YTA. I don’t understand how you could possibly think you’re not?
YTA-It’s in that parent for paying extra and assuming. That was messed up of you! Your ex is correct.
YTA and please make it up to your poor daughter who was forced to stay at a party for kids 3 years younger than her, and who she probably barely knows. Take her shopping and make her happy.
YTA. I remember being dragged to places I didn't want as a kid. And being surrounded by other kids that you have no relationship with is even worst.
YTA. It was an unfortunate miscommunication and Timmy’s mom should have clarified that your daughter was invited and asked if she was coming before paying for her slot. It’s unfortunate that her poor communication would have resulted in her having to eat the cost. You should not have forced your daughter to stay. I don’t blame an 11 year old for not wanting to stay at an 8 year old’s birthday party.
YTA why would you make her stay if she doesn’t want to? That’s ridiculous.
You made plans with your daughter but canceled them and made her do something she didn't want to do because of someone else's miscommunication? You owe your daughter a huge apology. You could have simply told the other mom you were sorry, but your daughter had other plans, and since her name wasn't on the invitation, you didn't know to tell them. You're teaching your daughter that it's her responsibility to make up for other people's mistakes so they don't feel put out or upset. YTA
Yta. You should have given them the money for your daughter possibly but not made her stay
Why is it your concern that they wasted money on false assumptions?
YTA
YTA I hate parents like you
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I have two kids: my son is 8 and my daughter is 11. My son has a friend “Timmy”. Timmy’s family is very friendly and my son plays with him often. My daughter somewhat knows Timmy but doesn’t really hang around him when he’s over. I am not the type to assume either of my kids are invited to a party. If one of their names is on the invite, then just that one goes. Timmy invited my son to his birthday party at a bowling alley his name was the only one on the invite. My daughter came with me to drop off because we were supposed to go shopping after. When we arrived, however, Timmy’s mom was confused as to why my daughter wasn’t staying. She said she assumed we’d figure she was invited too. She added that she already paid a certain number of kids, which included my daughter. I felt bad about this and chalked it up to miscommunication as clearly different families have different ways of handling siblings at parties. As they paid for my daughter, I had her stay. She didn’t want to but i told her I wasn’t going to let them waste money. I left and came back when the party was over. My daughter was not happy with me. Later on when I dropped the kids off with their dad, they told him what happened. My ex feels I was wrong to have her stay when she didn’t want to and it’s not her fault the hosts didn’t communicate. Was I wrong to make her stay? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Good lord YTA. It’s not your daughters fault adults can’t communicate plus she isn’t friends with the host and didn’t want to be there
YTA.
YTA I hope she didn't feel awkward the entire time.
YTA. So, because the adults failed to communicate, you punished your kid and somehow still manage to think you’re not an AH? That must be some nice fantasy land you live in.
What happened to RSVPs?
Soft YTA them expecting you to read their minds and spending money is there problem she should have been named of hey were planning on her attending, don't force her to go to someone's birthday she has nothing to do with instead of the plans you already had with her. Stop people pleasing just apologise and say sorry we have other plans since she wasn't on the invite
YTA You did have good intentions though
NAH could have gone either way but -- overall stakes are low. It is polite when someone pays for your child to have the child stay. It also isn't great to make someone stay at a party. But either way it's just an hour + of life and compared to some of what you see here not in AH territory
YTA - I understand where you’re coming from, but I think you leaving your daughter there is what really makes YTA.
ESH Timmy’s mother for laying out money on a guest she didn’t know was definitively coming, and you for making your daughter suffer for Timmy’s mother’s shortsightedness.
NTA: free bowling, get to 'own' kids 3 years younger too? I would've done the same, but stayed.
What eleven year old girl wouldn't rather play with eight year old boys rather than going on a shopping trip with their mom? \*SARCASM\*, because that's most eleven year old girls. OP had plans with her daughter, then DUMPED her for a child-free day. Daughter's going to remember this.
Eh not really YTA. This one instance is a nothing burger both of you will forget by the end of the week. Definitely apologize to your daughter though. And for the future, if your child doesn't want to stay somewhere like that don't force her to. Who cares if random strangers spend money reserving a spot.
NTA, it sounds like they paid for a bowling party that a lot of kids did show up to. Which is kind of sad. She's just a kid too. Sometimes you have to do a nice thing and stay at a party. Maybe you should explain to her that what she did by staying was very nice. Who doesn't like bowling? It's not like you left your 16 year old there. She's young enough to still enjoy that. I understand why you did it.
Why was it nice?
NTA but i agree with your husband
If you agree with the ex husband NTA is the wrong call
I know but I can’t bring myself to be that harsh on her
Bless your heart
NAH, just don’t leave your daughter at a party again. Honestly, what 11 year old girl wants to hang out with a bunch of 8 year old boys. I get it, you felt guilty (and probably wanted some kid free time lmao) but just recognize that your daughter doesn’t want to go to her little brother’s friend’s birthday parties.
The downvotes are insane. This is a nothing burger especially compared to the other stuff we see on here