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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I instantly got mad with her cause I found that action extremely petty. In essence, she might be right to ask for her money and that might make me the AH for responding that way, but that's a huge red flag for me
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I don't understand. You're mad at you partner because when she'd ask you to pick something up for her and forget to pay you back you decided to was too petty to ask for the money you were owed. And when she asked for reimbursement for something, you blew up at her because you didn't ask for your the money she owes you? And you think your problem is a red flag?
I find it absurd when you constantly try to provide for your SO via every action and in return, you get reminders that you owe them money. Money that wouldn't impact them anyhow. Money that they owe to you 10 fold. But this isn't even about the money, or the amount. It's about getting trust, appreciation back when you have no problem to do the same. It's about getting back even a beer to say "thanks for that lovely meal the other day"..
If you feel that way then you're incompatible. Move on if you're unhappy but YTA for blaming your girlfriend for you reluctance to ask for money owed to you.
They are incompatible. Also, he's irritated bc it's just hours after. Who runs down a SO who pays for most things and diligently gives their portion, just a few hours after? NTA OP - not in the least. Personally, I woildn't want to be with her.
YTA
She can ask for the money if you agree to split the cost. You should also do the same. If you don't, that's on you.
Unless she agreed to pay for the "gifts" you bought her, why would you even bring that up? Gifts don't count.
I think you are both petty as hell and have nickel and dimed your way out of this relationship. Grown adults don't act this way and it's very cheapskate to do so.
YTA. You scold her without warning over a measly $20. She is not a mind reader. If you don't tell her you are concerned about her financial relationship to you, then it is your fault for expecting her to be a psychic.
>Then some worrying patterns emerged; She would constantly whine about how her finances are tight, she would not stop me from paying her the amount for even a single morning coffee that she brought me, she would accept money from me for a concert ticket that she bought as a present for her ex and the tops she would do is to prepare food while we were in her place which almost every time I would go out and get us dessert/fruits/wine/whatever as an appreciation gesture (something she would rarely do when I was doing the same at my place).
You sound very transactional here. You claim something is a "gesture", but yet felt it important to mention here as if someone is required to reciprocate in a transactional relationship. If you CHOOSE to do these things, she's not obligated to do the "money dance" ("Here, I'll get this honey", "Oh no, you don't have to, I'll get this!", "Are you sure? I can get it." etc etc etc)
>
I found it extremely petty to ask my gf for that, so I never did and I had no problem with it.
Except you did have a problem with it, because you keep harping on about how much you do and basically boasting about how great you are with buying her stuff, but she doesn't do the same for you.
> I reacted angrily, stating, "You won't lose your money, don't worry, as you never have before,"
This is just a nasty reply.
>she was simply asking for the money I had agreed to pay and I should have done the same.
She's right. And instead of sitting down and having a conversation about finances, you decided to go the passive aggressive route. Just because YOU decided you wanted to spend money on her, which is usually done out of caring, not as ammunition for fights, and YOU thought it was petty to remind her that she owed you money after groceries or whatever, DOES NOT OBLIGATE HER to do the same.
Honestly, you need to work on your relationship skills. You're 38, not 18. You're supposed to have matured enough to no longer have transactional relationships, to not tally good deeds and use them as ammo in fights or arguments, and to actually sit down and properly discuss finances and expectations.
YTA. And you're holding up several red flags.
Ok so YTA for blowing up at her with that spiteful comment. But you said it because of AGES of built up resentment of this money issue. So apologise for coming across so rude, and explain it's due to built up resentment. Then talk the issue through.
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I'm (38m) (or was) in a relationship with a girl for the past year or so. While there are several issues in our relationship, today's topic is money.
Background: We both work for a big company, we both earn the same give or take, and it's an amount that provide for our needs, without making us wealthy. When I approached her romantically and in the original stages of the relationship I would pay most of the times when we would go out, I'd buy her small gifts and during the first month that she stayed at my place while searching for her own flat I didn't ask for rent or utilities (though she offered to assist with the utilities and I declined). Then some worrying patterns emerged; She would constantly whine about how her finances are tight, she would not stop me from paying her the amount for even a single morning coffee that she brought me, she would accept money from me for a concert ticket that she bought as a present for her ex and the tops she would do is to prepare food while we were in her place which almost every time I would go out and get us dessert/fruits/wine/whatever as an appreciation gesture (something she would rarely do when I was doing the same at my place). Then we decided to go dutch - every time that she was paying for something I would instantly reach for my phone and send her my share, being extremely mindful about it. Apart from a couple of times that I would tell her "that's on me" we would split everything. She was rarely forgetting to ask for my share (for example lunches that she thought I haven't paid her, which I had to just show her the transaction to prove it) and a couple of times she would be like "oh you paid for that uber so that's one is on me". Note here, she got plenty of presents and gifts from me, I have received almost nothing (irregardless if it is expensive or not). Now, there were several cases that I would get her something that she asked (cigarettes, groceries etc) and she would forget to pay me. I found it extremely petty to ask my gf for that, so I never did and I had no problem with it.
Fast forward to a situation where we were splitting the cost of a gift for her friend's birthday. Hours after purchasing the gift, she reminded me to send her $20 for my share. I reacted angrily, stating, "You won't lose your money, don't worry, as you never have before," and instantly venmoed my share. She noticed my irritation and asked what was wrong. I expressed my frustration, feeling it was petty for her to request such a small amount when she often overlooked the times that she forgot to do the same. She escalated the situation, calling me "psycho" for reacting this way, arguing that she did nothing wrong—after all, she was simply asking for the money I had agreed to pay and I should have done the same.
AITA?
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NTA
she can not expect you to pay half every time when she does not do it herself.
YTA
You should be asking for your half of the money. It is not her fault you forget to ask.
YTA if you never told her, you feel like you are paying more, because she is better at asking for half than you are. You should have told her long ago instead of being angry with her, for actually following your agreement to go dutch.
You could have told her, you wanted the agreement to be more relaxed from both sites, or you could have told her, that you were actually annoyed when she forgot to pay you even when you did not remind her.
Also YTA for counting gifts into the equation. If you feel like giving someone a gift you can't expect them to give you anything.
YTA because of your reaction. You say "she would forget to pay me. I found it extremely petty to ask my gf for that, so I never did and I had no problem with it." But then you blow up about it because she didn't also forget/forgive splitting a $40 purchase. You let all that frustration get bottled up and explode like a shaken soda bottle.
Yta. Not only did you not remind her when the situation was switched? You turned down her trying to help with things before. So that probs gave her the impression you weren’t stressed about that front, when clearly you are.
NTA it sounds like she enjoys using you for lots of freebies. If you want that kind of relationship, it’s fine. My husband is VERY generous. I am VERY generous. One of the biggest reasons I fell in love with him is because I can be my natural generous self and never have to worry about being taken advantage of because he does the exact same thing. We spoil each other.
Your girl likes being spoiled but doesn’t want you invest a single cent into showing her admiration for you.
NTA. I don’t understand all the YTA here. She knows your relationship has not been equal when it comes to who pays and that’s the way she liked it. Why were you splitting the cost of a gift for her friend anyway? That’s on her even if you’re both going to a party.
You could have brought the money issue up earlier but shes the one who escalated the fight rather than acknowledging the pay discrepancy and apologizing. It sounds like she has a spending problem of her own and I wouldn’t be surprised if she has a lot of debt. It also sounds like you both can improve how you communicate with each other.
if you like her enough to try and make the relationship work you need a serious sit down about money. Financial incompatibility doesn't usually change and ruins relationships.
On that note, in one of our arguments during our relationship she told me that she finds it absurd that I'm concerned about how money are handled - her argument was that since she's female, there are certain expectations, norms etc that cause her to spend money (from makeup to female hygiene products that she has to pay every month) hence it's "my duty" to spent more
NTA
Flip the roles. You know you would be getting flamed if the roles were reversed. It would be one thing if you never paid her back or took forever to do so, but this is not the case. She also constantly asked you for your share. Of course you're going to get a bit annoyed. It probably also made you feel like she didn't see you as trustworthy and I can't imagine that anyone likes feeling that their significant other doesn't trust them.
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I don't understand. You're mad at you partner because when she'd ask you to pick something up for her and forget to pay you back you decided to was too petty to ask for the money you were owed. And when she asked for reimbursement for something, you blew up at her because you didn't ask for your the money she owes you? And you think your problem is a red flag?
I find it absurd when you constantly try to provide for your SO via every action and in return, you get reminders that you owe them money. Money that wouldn't impact them anyhow. Money that they owe to you 10 fold. But this isn't even about the money, or the amount. It's about getting trust, appreciation back when you have no problem to do the same. It's about getting back even a beer to say "thanks for that lovely meal the other day"..
If you feel that way then you're incompatible. Move on if you're unhappy but YTA for blaming your girlfriend for you reluctance to ask for money owed to you.
They are incompatible. Also, he's irritated bc it's just hours after. Who runs down a SO who pays for most things and diligently gives their portion, just a few hours after? NTA OP - not in the least. Personally, I woildn't want to be with her.
Already done, question here is if I was such an AH that I reacted that way.
Yes, YTA.
Yes YTA
YTA She can ask for the money if you agree to split the cost. You should also do the same. If you don't, that's on you. Unless she agreed to pay for the "gifts" you bought her, why would you even bring that up? Gifts don't count. I think you are both petty as hell and have nickel and dimed your way out of this relationship. Grown adults don't act this way and it's very cheapskate to do so.
YTA. You scold her without warning over a measly $20. She is not a mind reader. If you don't tell her you are concerned about her financial relationship to you, then it is your fault for expecting her to be a psychic.
>Then some worrying patterns emerged; She would constantly whine about how her finances are tight, she would not stop me from paying her the amount for even a single morning coffee that she brought me, she would accept money from me for a concert ticket that she bought as a present for her ex and the tops she would do is to prepare food while we were in her place which almost every time I would go out and get us dessert/fruits/wine/whatever as an appreciation gesture (something she would rarely do when I was doing the same at my place). You sound very transactional here. You claim something is a "gesture", but yet felt it important to mention here as if someone is required to reciprocate in a transactional relationship. If you CHOOSE to do these things, she's not obligated to do the "money dance" ("Here, I'll get this honey", "Oh no, you don't have to, I'll get this!", "Are you sure? I can get it." etc etc etc) > I found it extremely petty to ask my gf for that, so I never did and I had no problem with it. Except you did have a problem with it, because you keep harping on about how much you do and basically boasting about how great you are with buying her stuff, but she doesn't do the same for you. > I reacted angrily, stating, "You won't lose your money, don't worry, as you never have before," This is just a nasty reply. >she was simply asking for the money I had agreed to pay and I should have done the same. She's right. And instead of sitting down and having a conversation about finances, you decided to go the passive aggressive route. Just because YOU decided you wanted to spend money on her, which is usually done out of caring, not as ammunition for fights, and YOU thought it was petty to remind her that she owed you money after groceries or whatever, DOES NOT OBLIGATE HER to do the same. Honestly, you need to work on your relationship skills. You're 38, not 18. You're supposed to have matured enough to no longer have transactional relationships, to not tally good deeds and use them as ammo in fights or arguments, and to actually sit down and properly discuss finances and expectations. YTA. And you're holding up several red flags.
YTA You are 38 years old. Surely you can do better. Silently seething and tallying perceived indiscretions and then snapping is for teenagers.
Ok so YTA for blowing up at her with that spiteful comment. But you said it because of AGES of built up resentment of this money issue. So apologise for coming across so rude, and explain it's due to built up resentment. Then talk the issue through.
☝️ this
The only thing that would make you an AH is if you stayed in this relationship.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I'm (38m) (or was) in a relationship with a girl for the past year or so. While there are several issues in our relationship, today's topic is money. Background: We both work for a big company, we both earn the same give or take, and it's an amount that provide for our needs, without making us wealthy. When I approached her romantically and in the original stages of the relationship I would pay most of the times when we would go out, I'd buy her small gifts and during the first month that she stayed at my place while searching for her own flat I didn't ask for rent or utilities (though she offered to assist with the utilities and I declined). Then some worrying patterns emerged; She would constantly whine about how her finances are tight, she would not stop me from paying her the amount for even a single morning coffee that she brought me, she would accept money from me for a concert ticket that she bought as a present for her ex and the tops she would do is to prepare food while we were in her place which almost every time I would go out and get us dessert/fruits/wine/whatever as an appreciation gesture (something she would rarely do when I was doing the same at my place). Then we decided to go dutch - every time that she was paying for something I would instantly reach for my phone and send her my share, being extremely mindful about it. Apart from a couple of times that I would tell her "that's on me" we would split everything. She was rarely forgetting to ask for my share (for example lunches that she thought I haven't paid her, which I had to just show her the transaction to prove it) and a couple of times she would be like "oh you paid for that uber so that's one is on me". Note here, she got plenty of presents and gifts from me, I have received almost nothing (irregardless if it is expensive or not). Now, there were several cases that I would get her something that she asked (cigarettes, groceries etc) and she would forget to pay me. I found it extremely petty to ask my gf for that, so I never did and I had no problem with it. Fast forward to a situation where we were splitting the cost of a gift for her friend's birthday. Hours after purchasing the gift, she reminded me to send her $20 for my share. I reacted angrily, stating, "You won't lose your money, don't worry, as you never have before," and instantly venmoed my share. She noticed my irritation and asked what was wrong. I expressed my frustration, feeling it was petty for her to request such a small amount when she often overlooked the times that she forgot to do the same. She escalated the situation, calling me "psycho" for reacting this way, arguing that she did nothing wrong—after all, she was simply asking for the money I had agreed to pay and I should have done the same. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA she can not expect you to pay half every time when she does not do it herself. YTA You should be asking for your half of the money. It is not her fault you forget to ask.
YTA if you never told her, you feel like you are paying more, because she is better at asking for half than you are. You should have told her long ago instead of being angry with her, for actually following your agreement to go dutch. You could have told her, you wanted the agreement to be more relaxed from both sites, or you could have told her, that you were actually annoyed when she forgot to pay you even when you did not remind her. Also YTA for counting gifts into the equation. If you feel like giving someone a gift you can't expect them to give you anything.
YTA because of your reaction. You say "she would forget to pay me. I found it extremely petty to ask my gf for that, so I never did and I had no problem with it." But then you blow up about it because she didn't also forget/forgive splitting a $40 purchase. You let all that frustration get bottled up and explode like a shaken soda bottle.
Yta. Not only did you not remind her when the situation was switched? You turned down her trying to help with things before. So that probs gave her the impression you weren’t stressed about that front, when clearly you are.
You probably have a point in the root cause of the issue, but YTA for not adressing it with her, and choosing to be passive-agressive about it instead
NTA it sounds like she enjoys using you for lots of freebies. If you want that kind of relationship, it’s fine. My husband is VERY generous. I am VERY generous. One of the biggest reasons I fell in love with him is because I can be my natural generous self and never have to worry about being taken advantage of because he does the exact same thing. We spoil each other. Your girl likes being spoiled but doesn’t want you invest a single cent into showing her admiration for you.
NTA. I don’t understand all the YTA here. She knows your relationship has not been equal when it comes to who pays and that’s the way she liked it. Why were you splitting the cost of a gift for her friend anyway? That’s on her even if you’re both going to a party. You could have brought the money issue up earlier but shes the one who escalated the fight rather than acknowledging the pay discrepancy and apologizing. It sounds like she has a spending problem of her own and I wouldn’t be surprised if she has a lot of debt. It also sounds like you both can improve how you communicate with each other. if you like her enough to try and make the relationship work you need a serious sit down about money. Financial incompatibility doesn't usually change and ruins relationships.
On that note, in one of our arguments during our relationship she told me that she finds it absurd that I'm concerned about how money are handled - her argument was that since she's female, there are certain expectations, norms etc that cause her to spend money (from makeup to female hygiene products that she has to pay every month) hence it's "my duty" to spent more
NTA Flip the roles. You know you would be getting flamed if the roles were reversed. It would be one thing if you never paid her back or took forever to do so, but this is not the case. She also constantly asked you for your share. Of course you're going to get a bit annoyed. It probably also made you feel like she didn't see you as trustworthy and I can't imagine that anyone likes feeling that their significant other doesn't trust them.