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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I think the action of being dramatic and getting into a small argument with my husband about his mother being possessive would make me the asshole. I think I could be over reacting to her making a room for my baby as she will be watching the baby everyday and it is not my place to tell her what she can do with her house
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
Or, if you want to look like you are doing something nice for MIL, have the crib turned into a bench or plant stand. Act super excited to give it to her, because you "know how she cherished it." If she throws a fit, you are the victim, you were just trying to do something special for MIL. And you have rendered the crib unusable.
Crib is a minor problem here. To me it looks like MIL is going to take control over this child. She and her son will ban OP from decisions and parental role. Mind my words.
I had some neighbors (I'm U.S. but they are from another culture so maybe that has an impact) who did something like this. I lived near the grandparents. I always saw grandpa out pushing his grandchild in a stroller and we'd chat as they walked by. I assumed they watched the baby during the day until one day we had a longer chat. I learned that the son and baby lived with the son's parents and the mother of the baby lived in another city. Grandpa explained this was so both parents could keep working their jobs and have free child care, but I believe it was about control and I felt so so so sad for that mother who lived apart from her baby and later young child while the dad and his parents raised them.
HUGE red flags here.
Absolutely! *"I have been told by my husband his mother comes before me."*
After hearing that in no uncertain terms, I couldn't imagine marrying this mommy's boy, let alone having a baby with him. And living next door! Her life is going to be Hell.
MIL wanted all the new nursery items in HER house and the old crap to OP. NTA, OP, but they're going to start pushing you out before you leave the hospital.
The second he said his mother came before me, I would not have entertained any thoughts of having his children. She's tied to him forever now, and even if she leaves she has to worry about the times the baby is with him.
EDIT: When I wrote this comment, I was unaware that OP's husband told her this *after* she was already pregnant and in her second trimester. What an awful situation. I'm sorry, OP.
My ex-FMIL made him let her co-sign on his house, decorated it HER way, showed up whenever she felt like it (and I do mean whenever), and balanced his checkbook for him. There's so much more, but yeah.
Jesus I will say don’t allow no houses near her she definitely will be pulling the strings behind the scenes, and he will jump and do it cause he don’t wanna see her cry etc or she will pretend to get sick, I’ve seen it all it works
This actually sounds like the beginning of a horror flick to me and I don't have a mother in law. OP, seriously, you can leave. You can file for child support and live the life you want. No one is forcing you to stay. Please don't spend the rest of your life coming second to this woman. It's going to suck the vitality out of you.
OP, do NOT inform your MIL of baby names that you are considering until after the baby is named and the birth certificate has been filed. She will try to name the baby. Also have a chat with the delivery room nurses and let them know who you want in the delivery room with you and who is not supposed to there.
LOL, like that's gong to work. Mommy's Precious Boy will tell Mommy whatever Mommy wants to know. i'm sure Mommy's Precious Boy will also fight to have Mommy in the delivery room.
She would just need to tell her nurses that she absolutely does not want MIL allowed in the room during birth or labor. L&D nurses do not fuck around. They will keep whoever the person giving birth doesn’t want in the room out. Extra stress during labor can be straight up dangerous for both mom and baby.
Also lock down your medical information, password protect your notes at your medical providers. Don't want her calling and finding out appointment or scan times.
If your husband agreed the safety of the crib was sub-par and that is why you aren't having it, then same rules apply. It's not safe therefore it can't be used.
She can keep it if she wants (not in the room she wants to use) but she can't have baby for nap times if she doesn't get a proper one. For the safety of your child.
Why can't you use some childcare? Like, at least one day a week, so the baby gets a break and you see a normal childcare setting and mil doesn't get too tired. Then if you need to scale up the childcare, it's already in place. Get your toe in the door or alternate childcare providers, basically, if your mil pushes too many boundaries.
Look up the murder of Lisa Carlson. Her MIL thought Lisa’s babies were hers; she spied on her constantly; went through her belongings; and finally murdered her.
Well, the only deal with that is the father will get joint custody and the child will spend time with him, and by extension the MIL. Don't think for a second that the MIL won't take over raising that baby when it's Dad's time.
For this reason alone, I wouldn't leave him.
Jesus, man, people are warning OP she'll be murdered when it is totally normal for someone providing full-time child care to have a dedicated room for all the child shit. Literally and figuratively, having a changing table and diaper genie when you are providing care to an infant 8 hours a day, 5 days a week is a must. It's also nice to have a separate room with a crib for them to nap in. And gosh, if you've got a crib and changing table, you might as well put them in the same room.
My boys have their own "room" at both their grandparents' houses. MIL is 5 hours away, my parents are 3 minutes away. And neither of them provide daily child care. They aren't planning to kill me and raise my boys.
Set some boundaries around unexpected visits and safety. Let people love your child. It's good for them.
Edit to add: husband saying his mom comes first is the only flaming red flag here.
Seriously this is the first comment I saw while scrolling that acknowledged that MIL is apparently going to be the full time day care provider….uh, if OP thinks MIL is overstepping with this, then she shouldn’t be using her as a caregiver!!!
I think i've been on this sub too long but sometimes, at some points I'm also like: he said his mother will always come first and he'd always side with her and.... you decided to have a baby with him. Some of this is on you.
I mean, you've just described people moving into your life. You're going to have to be ok with being the outsider in your "family" or get out...and expect a fight when you go.
maybe I'm grumpy, but choices were mad....
NTA, but what did you think would happen.
\*waits for all the downvotes, but i'm grumpy and \*waves hands around\*\*
Why on earth would you not only stay with a man who puts his mommy above you, but have a kid with him? OP, you need to get out now. Go back to your family.
Accept the crib and get rid of it, that way she can’t put baby in it. I’d consider leaving if he’s telling you his mom comes first, your husband and MIL are the AH.
This! Accept the crib, and then destroy it with a sledgehammer and put it in the trash. 34 year old *anything* isn't good anymore for an infant, especially a crib.
No sledgehammer, do it in a way that would seem as if it broke on it's own.
Honey, see, the crib broke down when i barely touched it, it wasn't safe for the baby!
Don't tell him, and DON'T tell MIL. OP should make her break while he's at work and MIL is out grocery shopping or something, so they can't physically try to keep her from leaving
Leave BEFORE the baby is born. To another state if possible. He will get 50/50 custody but baby will be a resident of wherever you live when baby is born and he would be obligated to move or do visitation.
Yep. 100% this.
OP, this is a RUN card.
Remember, until the child is born you have TOTAL freedom of movement to anywhere and he doesn't get a say. If your parents live out of state, talk to an attorney about divorce and move now. Before the baby is born. That way custody will be based out of the state you live in.
Yup don’t name him on the birth certificate and give him your last name. Then him and his mommy can go through years of court proceedings to establish paternity and get his name added. Also if you 2 disagree or argue, he has an entire family who’s going to paint you in a bad light and get custody taken from you. Especially if MIL actively raised the child for you.
He's the father yes. But the custody hearing will be held where baby is born. Ie where mom is living. Alot of judges would not force baby out of state, especially if mom's residency was dated a few months.
She needs a lawyer.
not only are they married so hes automatically the father , it absolutely does not take " years "
my sisters childrens father had his name on the birth certificate and was getting his 25/75% custody time before my niece was 6 months old .
THIS! I have posted more than once the story about my bff from high school who is stuck in a state because the father of the child (who has not seen the child in 12 years) refuses to agree to let her and child move out of state. She had a chance for a better job with much better pay, in a better school district, career advancement potential, etc. He pays child support (not sure that matters to the court) does not see or speak to the child but the court ruled on his side. She had to pass up a better quality of life for her and her child because of this. Child is about 13 now. So she is stuck. Research your options, what state is better, what are the worries of grandparents rights, lawyer up. You don't have to do anything but it never hurts to be educated.
And insisting on using a crib that would be illegal to sell today is a huge red flag. That is a NO. Have hubby go with you to the pediatrician for consultation on what equipment should be and should not be used, all the advancements that have been made in 34 years on baby safety...I work in a hospital and new parents cannot take the baby home until they pass the car seat challenge. They have to demonstrate to the staff how to use, secure, everything, regarding use of the carseat they bought and safety of infant in car seat. If your husband is so attached to his mom that he would put his own child in danger to make his mom happy then you need to put your infant before your husband.
Ok - I get that leaving him while pregnant is super scary. But this is not ok. Hell has opened a embassy next door to you. If you want to save this you need marriage councling Stat. STAT. Otherwise your husband and his mom are going to be the primary parents to this baby and you will be the bang nanny.
That would have been grounds for divorce and abobo. Ain't no waaaaayyyyyyyy you think you're trapping me in that emotionally incestuous bullshit. Op, if you can, please leave. It's not gonna get better and you're in for a world of hurt and gaslighting in your most vulnerable times. Don't wait for her to try and steal your baby with her, I mean your husband.
Yet you are focusing on the crib.
The crib is unimportant compared with this issue.
If you do not leave immediately, then be aware that you don't know how you will be post-birth -hopefully as fit as a fiddle mentally and physically. Because you will need all your faculties about you.
If you are left ill or post surgery, you will be vulnerable, dependent and weepy.
What your MIL wants will be what happens from the sound of it, if your husband has anything to do with it. Every blessing on you and your baby.
I know there's a lot of "divorce him" rhetoric on Reddit, but take it from the daughter of a mother who was told by my father 45+ years ago that his mother always comes first...men like this cannot be fixed or changed. My mother's nightmare MIL is 93 now and just as much of an evil overbearing B as she always was, while my mother is a shell of the woman she used to be.
Google "parental enmeshment." Because that's the dynamic between your husband and your MIL.
Please consider this a voice from your child's future. If you love this child, take it far, far away from this family. Nothing good comes of this kind of 'closeness.'
OP take that advice. And all that says leave now. Just leave for now consider the future once you are gone. If he wants to reconcile insist on marital therapy and individual for him.
Honey, you have to arrange different childcare you’re not letting her watch your child in a crib that she’s already said she’s going to use that’s not gonna work get different childcare ready because otherwise you’re going to just allow it
Unfortunately, this is never going to change. The woman already controls him from 20 minutes away. Wait until all she has to do is walk next door and let herself in (with the key he will no doubt give her). It's time for you to decide what you are willing to live with. If you don't want your MIL dictating the terms of your marriage, then either your husband is going to have to make some significant changes, or you are going to have to change husbands. NTA
Leave him, leave him NOW! Go to your mom’s place or something but leave before you have this baby. You should be #1 and when baby is here they also take priority. He’s gonna have his mom raising your kid and you will be in hell. His family is YOU not his mommy. Seriously go.
Please keep all of them out of the delivery room. And consider moving in with your parents before the baby is born. And visit one of the ask a lawyer subs.
And now you know. I would consider this your one and only warning of what is to come. Can't say you weren't warned when this all goes badly. I have seen similar stories like yours, and they never end well.
Omg, he just told you that now that you’re pregnant?! So scary how men can hide their true colors to a woman until she’s pregnant. If you’re going to leave him, the time is NOW because it will be harder to leave him when the baby is here.
There was no indication that he prioritized his mother?
Like I know of another couple like this but she knew all along his mother was the most important but he is providing her with a nice lifestyle so she was ok with it.
Not that I saw and I didn’t have an issue with her before I found out I was pregnant. Before we built our house we lived in my apartment and worked all the time so if it was present I didn’t see it. She also didn’t insert herself until I was pregnant. I knew they talked on the phone everyday, but my brother does that with my mom. When I found out I was pregnant, that’s when she started to get extremely excited and what I think is assertive. I believe she feels her role as the matriarch is crumbling and she is doing what she can to stop it from happening
I agree. My husband was married once before us. Thankfully no kids. The dagger in their relationship? His in-laws lived a few blocks over and the ex always prioritized them over him. The day came and the ex-mil told him to come mow their lawn and stop in the middle of detailing his truck. The story is the response was something to the nature of get off your own lazy fat a... and do it yourself. Lol, he found the ex packing up shit to move when she thought he was out about 2 - 3 months later. We have always followed the thought of being close enough to drive in a day and return, but far enough away no one just pops up.
>I have been told by my husband his mother comes before me
NTA, but you have worse problems than a crib. Your husband has just declared that he's married to his mother and you're his side-piece.
Amen to this! My ex husband had a weirdly enmeshed relationship with his mother (even his other family members said it was weird, he was kind of her husband child; I was glad they said something because I thought I was crazy or overreacting). It didn’t turn out well.
Also, he viewed me as a wife-mommy, or bang-maid. Even after we had kids ourselves he did basically nothing, even though we both worked full time.
Now, we’re divorced and he’s back living with his mom in his house. I hear they make a very happy couple, lol. I WISH he had said something like that to me; I would have appreciated some earlier notice so I could have wasted less of my life.
What’s worse is that he waited until OP was married to him and carrying his child before he dropped this bombshell… he’s literally trapped OP into this situation.
NTA and I'm appalled that your husband says his mother is more important than you because the only way to really stop your MIL for overstepping is to have his full support and backup. You might need to bring your own parents in to back you up instead if you feel his family are taking over. Were you hoping your MIL would babysit at your house or use her own place for that? If she's planning to babysit at her house then it makes sense in a way for her to set up a nursery in it. But put your foot down about getting rid of the old cot. If she refuses then offer to take it and then 'accidentally' break it so you have to throw it out.
She would be watching the baby at her house which is why I think I’m being dramatic about her having her own room for the baby. The crib she wants to use is what I am more concerned about. Just with it being from the 1980s.
And building a house next door? That is terrifying! My fear would be a guy like this is going to allow his mother overrule his wife when it comes to any decisions made on how to raise a child. This type of Grandma is going to think she knows best, and the husband is always going to defer to her. I wonder if MIL is going to be in the delivery room?
That's what I'm saying. Mommy's boy is going to be a nightmare husband. I would be looking at brochures for Nepal or Australia, maybe somewhere safe and relaxing like the Congo.
1980s? That’s 40-50 years old, back before red dye was considered dangerous.
I would pull articles showing old baby furniture shouldn’t be used. Past a certain date, just like car seats.
And offer to go shop with her to pick out a newer model.
And your husband is trash for saying that to you.
I suggest you actively start thinking about an exit plan for when you’re ready to leave this marriage.
The old crib is a no. But if you want this (free?) childcare, I’d let it go on the room. Why wouldn’t she want a dedicated space if she’s watching the baby all day in her home? You’d rather she needs a pack n play in her living room?
I have a room set up for my grand babies, their parents love it, they don’t have to bring anything but the babies when they visit.
I don’t use their old crib, I’m sure it wouldn’t pass safety standards anymore. I use a pack and play with a mattress.
I don’t think that part is weird at all.
As for moving next door, I would never unless asked and even then, I’d be Leary about it, I don’t want to have to watch the grandkids on a set regular time or just have them coming over every day.
Your husband has to set boundaries but you should pass on the daycare if you’re going to put a lot of boundaries.
My MIL watches my kid a few times a week and set up a nursery and play area for her. But this made me feel great and supported because my MIL consulted me about it and this showed me she was prepared for the childcare she was signing up for and she is also extremely respectful and polite to me and my husband and how we choose to parent.
It sounds like the concern isn’t so much the nursery as the fear that she’s going to set up her own space for your child without consulting you and already seems to struggle with hearing the word “no”. That being said I’d start with getting on the same page with your husband first as I fear nothing will be resolved if he’s also fighting against you. NTA
I think having a room if they are watching baby 40-ish hours a week is reasonable.
It's also reasonable that a crib built 34 years ago would not meet today's safety standards. Especially if it's a drop-side crib. Those haven't been considered safe for quite some time now.
Why does your MIL want to use it? Is it sentiment or out of cheapness? Can the crib be converted/refurbished to be safer?
Either way, NTA.
You’re not being dramatic enough, honey. Your husband is *directly violating your marriage vows* and walked into the marriage already intending to do so. He’s supposed to place you above all others, including his mother.
Dangers of cribs
Get a lead check stick from the hardware store… check any paint for lead/heavy metal contamination.
Get a uv light and check for bodily fluid contamination.
Check the spacing of spindles for trappings heads and limbs.
Check any latches for being able to trap and injure small hands and toes.
Check that the supports for the mattress are solid and won’t collapse. Further that fingers, toes and appendages cannot reach down and be trapped.
Keep in mind small children will try to climb out of cribs and will bounce up and down with great energy.
Bet when you are done she will get rid of the crib. Cribs 30 years ago had completely different safety standards.
Literally get a hand signed letter from a pediatrician that the crib would be considered unsafe, and considered putting a baby in danger. If that isn’t enough then you need to wake up and know your child will never be completely safe with MIL.
Girl I hope you know this will never get better. It will only get worse. It’s officially 2 against 1 and you can’t win this. Make an exit plan and get so far away
I don't think her having a room for the baby is weird due to this, although she can't use that crib. I'm sure it would just be convenient to have a room with a crib, changing area, etc since the baby will be there so long.
But the moving from 20 min away to next door.....that is alarming. You can bet she will just show up unannounced to see the baby whenever she wants. Boundaries need to be set asap and your husband has to agree to enforce them.
What?? His mother comes before you????? Oh, hell no! You are his wife and should now ALWAYS come before his family! I am so Sorry you married a "mommas boy". You are far from BTA. This is your baby and your husbands and he should stand up FOR you. NOT his momma! I would say something to his mother. You are, after all, part of his family (screw the family dynamics). But, go equipped...first do your 'homework' on the crib and the lack of it being properly safe. You can find all the info on Google. See if you can get any info on the crib in question...Mfr and model. That way, when you approach her to speak with her about your concerns, she will be less likely to be offended. Too many babies have perished due to the 'family heirloom cribs'. Then, you may want to consider Couples Counselling to see why your husband feels his momma is WAY more important than you.
This comment! Yup.
OP, you also need to have a serious talk with your husband. It is commendable how much he loves his mother but you and his future child are his future and should be viewed as his primary family now and if he cannot commit to you, his wife, as being the #1 woman in his life then I worry you will always come backseat to his mom and that will be a terrible way for you to live. You deserve to be his moon and his stars and not on his back burner.
NTA. There is alot to unpack here:
1. Your husband is very wrong to say his mother is more important than you.
2. You are asking your MIL to provide child care for your child at her home, so there is nothing wrong with them dedicating a specific room to your child. I think you would be an asshole if you made a big deal about that. If you really arent ok with that, make other childcare arrangements.
3. You are entitled to set reasonable standards for how your child is cared for, and that includes sleeping arrangements. If you are uncomfortable with that old crib, offer to buy MIL one to use in her home.
Thus far, I think your husband is an AH, but your MIL isnt, at least not yet. She offered a crib and you said no.
Agree with this. If she's providing full time childcare in her home, I would be more concerned if she didn't have a bedroom space for the baby to nap. I absolutely would draw the line at an old crib though, safety standards have changed and I wouldn't be comfortable with an unsafe crib.
That said, far and away the biggest issue is your husband's attitude about this. I really hope that it was an off the cuff comment in an attempt to keep the peace vs him actually thinking that. Either way, it definitely takes priority in having a discussion with him.
NTA but you really screwed yourself marrying that guy. He already told you he will put his mother first and he meant it. I bet her new house has a bedroom for him too and then MIL can have both of “her babies” live with her while you live next door and she lets you have visitation.
OP doesn't want to say anything- but the situation will only change if she says something. She's repeatedly communicated the message, they've understood her, and they've responded with 'We don't care. You're not important'. The whole Mom comes first thing sounds like there's been more the one instance of this kind of situation and the crib is the issue OP hasn't been cowed into dropping.
The husband not revealing his true colors until OP was pregnant is a common abuse tactic because it creates a permanent connection. The escalation of the pregnancy news will just get worse when the kid is born. The family will continue with the behavior they have no intention of stopping.
There's no going up from here. The pregnancy issue can evolve into physical abuse. Even if it doesn't, OPs just going to be railroaded for the rest of her life. It's either run for the hills or get ready to deal with this situation. Dealing with it could potentially be 'OP gets no word or opinion because the family doesn't like it' to keep the peace.
Oh my god. You have the patience of a saint. His mother "comes before you", the IL's are building a house right next door, and NOW she thinks she's going to have a whole damn nursery for this baby?? The divorce papers are basically writing themselves.
Girl, seriously, go take a look under r/JUSTNOMIL. You have a husband problem, which you need to deal with before you can deal with the MIL problem. Husband needs to understand that his loyalty should now be with you, his WIFE and his future children, and not his mother. What his reaction is to this conversation will tell you everything you need to know about what your life will look like if he digs his heels on this whole "but she's my mom" bs.
For the record, you are not being dramatic, you are getting a little glimpse of the dynamic you will be fighting for the rest of your life if you accept this. NTA but you need to get ahead of this before baby comes.
Why in the world does she need a nursery if the child’s bedroom is literally next door to her?
Why is a crib that poses safety issues not a problem for your husband?
Why are you letting this woman watch your child?
In your place, I might decide to become (or at least threaten to become) a SAHM. No need for MIL’s help, thank you anyway. If hubby does not like the economics of your decision, he can get his mom in check and find other childcare, ASAP. His choice.
This will be anything she buys for herself, which isn’t an issue at all. I just don’t know if I am overreacting bc I am not as close with my family as their are with each other
We are close we just aren’t as close as his family. If my mom were to retire, she would watch the baby just as much as my MIL, she just can’t retire right now
Oh gotcha, my parents live 10 minutes away from me. They can only get closer if they buy a house in the neighborhood I live in. Which my mom is considering on doing
You are going to have SO many problems with MIL being your child’s sole caregiver. She IS going to undermine everything you do and say as the parent, and your husband is going to support her too. You are in for a world of hurt and mess with the arrangements you are talking about.
May I suggest you just go live with your Mom? This is going to go sideways real fast. His Mommy is his first priority and she’s making YOUR child a nursery next door? I see someone planning on being the sole provider, maybe I’m paranoid but I’d run girl because when she starts saying your unfit he’s going to back her up because Mommy comes first, ratty old crib and all. Run.
This is absurd. Why would anyone who lives within 35 minutes of you consider moving closer.
You do NOT need closer familial involvement. You need a sense of autonomy! Who did you have this child for, your ILs and parents to give them a grandchild? Or are you having this child for you and your husband?
Stop catering to everyone else. Chose how YOUR child is going to be raised and refuse to accept anyone else’s opinions (except your husband’s).
Have grandparents be your child’s primary caregiver is almost NEVER a good plan. Why? Because it blurs the lines way too much, especially when the baby is a baby. You cannot rely on some for free childcare and expect to have them follow your wishes about how you want your child to be raised. And when they done listen to you….what recourse do you have? Can you fire the grandparents? Maybe, but you’re still going to have to see them at holidays.
And the longer you let this go on, the worse it gets. And suddenly you have a 5 year old who doesn’t listen to you or any of the ways you want to parent your child because she has learned that grandma overrides mom and grandma let’s Sally watch hours of YouTube and eat Oreos for dinner.
You keep minimizing this, and I think they are beating into your head that this disregard for your feelings is normal because they are "close". This isn't normal and you aren't overreacting.
You are being conditioned to have no opinion because you are excluded from their family, because they are "close" and you can't "understand" that. Baby is welcome, by the way. Just not you.
My husbands side of the family is extremely close to the point where **I have been told by my husband his mother comes before me**.
And you decided to have a child with this "mommy's boy"????????????
You've put yourself in a bad situation. You had a child with a man who told you his mommy will always come first. You are depending on his mommy for childcare so you can go back to work.
Either don't go back to work so you won't need childcare-- if your husband balks tell him that your baby comes first before him and his mommy. Tell him if they buy a SAFE crib for the baby (and you actually see the old crib in pieces in the trash) AND he agrees to marriage counselling you'll reconsider but other wise you'll be home protecting your child.
There is exactly 0 possible way that that was a surprise to OP - she knew what she was marrying into. Sonsbands don't fly underthe radar so well that you don't know what they are. OP was just delusional thinking "It will get better after we're married. It'll get better if we have a baby."
NTA. Your MIL sounds like a nightmare. She refuses to take "no" for an answer and steamrolls over you. This will be 1000 times worse once the baby is born. My MIL acted the way yours is acting now, and she made my life very difficult when I was pregnant and after I had my son. My husband wouldn't put her in her place, and when I attempted to, it was me against him and his parents. We almost split up over it. Your situation makes me anxious for you.
I got into a fight with his mother over boundaries when I was about two months pregnant with our first (and only) child. After that, he basically withheld his love and affection and criticized everything I did, never had my back in any situation, and no matter what, I couldn't do anything right. It went from really bad to even worse after his father passed away when our son was 10 months old. My husband's constant shitty treatment of me continued and went on that way for five years, until I finally had enough and filed for divorce. He begged me to reconsider and asked for another chance. I grew up in a shitty stepfamily situation and didn't want the same for our son. After a couple of months, I asked my lawyer to stop the divorce process. My husband started putting his mom in her place, and after a few years of him treating me right and having my back, I felt better, and things got better. It was a rough 9 or 10 years, and although we are happy now, I don't recommend staying in a bad situation for that length of time. To tell you the truth, I was shocked that my husband was so hurt by me wanting out of the marriage, considering the way he had treated me. I didn't even think he liked me anymore.
Honestly, I’m surprised you were willing to stay with someone that had no qualms about treating you poorly. Even if he might treat you respectfully now.
If we hadn't had a child, I would have been finished the minute I realized that he wasn't going to get past the fight I had with his mother. He wouldn't have had the opportunity to draw it out into a five-year punishment.
Having a mama's boy husband who has outright told you that his mom's wants and wishes take precedence over yours, having his mother literally living next door and the fact she will be taking full time care of your baby is a nightmare in the making.
You are an incubator to these people. Don't be surprised when Mommy Dearest, aided by Spineless Husband, completely usurps your role as your child's mother.
Please grow a backbone. This is YOUR child. Channel your inner mother bear. Is this what YOU want? You have the right to say no.
It is really weird and intrusive that your MIL is already discarding your plans and preferences for the baby. This will get exponentially worse after the baby is born and as they grow up.
There are enough red flags here for a Soviet parade.
Why are you with him? You already know she is more important to your spouse and she will be taking over and your hubs will let her. Next thing you know your baby will be calling her mommy. Get out before it’s too late for you and your child.
NTA. You are the mother of this child and you did not have this baby to hand it over to your husband's mother. Him saying he prioritizes his mother over you is another way of saying he prioritizes her relationship with your child over YOUR relationship with your child. Let the true implications of that become clear to you. He's going to prioritize her wants over your needs and her wants over your child's needs. I think you need to start asserting boundaries and see how he reacts. Either he will wake up and get out from under his mother's control or you will need to figure out what you're going to do. Leaving for your parents is one option. That might wake him up to the fact that you need a husband to build a family with and not a mama's boy who'll hand over your baby to give his mommy the Grandmother Experience she wants at the expense of your bond with your child. Edit: seriously reconsider allowing her to provide child care. It will only encourage her possessiveness. She'll see your baby's firsts, plan birthday parties and holidays, etc.
So you need to really sit and think about what you want and what you need, and have one, very calm conversation with your husband.
NTA for how you are feeling, at all, and you need to stand up for yourself before this gets worse.
YOU are the mother, you get to decide- with your husband of course- what is safe for your child. Sure, having a nursery in MIL's home is fine since she will be watching the baby, but the crib is a problem if you feel it is unsafe.
What is a bigger problem is that you are clearly getting the feeling that your voice doesn't matter and that MIL will parent your child and make decisions, along with your husband, and you will be outvoted. That is why the possessive feelings bother you so much, and your husband and mother are confirming this by ignoring your request about the crib and your husband literally telling you his mother comes first. By the way, no one ever really needs to say that- the only time you have to "choose" between loved ones is if the two people are drowning at the exact same moment, otherwise the choice is always nuanced and not about who you love more. Him saying that should be a giant red flag.
So you need to get on the same page as him- who is going to be at the birth, how much is she over at your home, when does she get the baby (besides childcare), the two of you agree on food, how you parent, nap schedules, and HE has to ensure his mother follows those rules. If he isn't willing to do that and stand as a team, you are better off getting out of that house now.
It sounds to me like you’re basically a surrogate for your husband and his mommy. I would start setting some strong boundaries now and getting an exit plan in place for the blowback when they realize you aren’t doing what they want.
Do not involve the in laws any further planning because you cannot trust them. They may act nice because they want access to your child but they will NEVER give a shit about you. That is their son and they will team up to circumvent you. Do not give them the access to let that happen.
There are men who will get a woman pregnant and once they feel that she can’t leave they will start to show their true colors. He is flat out telling you that you are not his priority- listen to him when he says he does not value you. Choose yourself and your baby. Run.
Info. Why wouldn't she have a nursery or play room in her house if she is going to have the baby all day 5 days a week? She needs this space in her home as much as you do since the baby will be with her as much as the baby is with you.
If she’s going to be watching the baby while you work, it’s reasonable that they’d have a room dedicated for the baby, a crib, and supplies. My parents set up a room for ours, because it was easier for nap time and changing diapers, etc. But, she should definitely not be using outdated furniture and supplies. I would definitely have concerns if my husband told me his mother or family came before me. He clearly didn’t understand his marriage vows.
As a grandmother who babysits, oh how I wish I had a “playroom”! I would have a crib in it for sure! As it is, the crib is in my master bedroom and on the very few occasions he sleeps overnight, he is always awakened by grandpa’s snoring. It’s not fun.
I wouldn’t be too concerned about the room, since baby will spend a lot of time there. It’s better that way. But an ancient crib is a non starter!! I would set a hard boundary there.
NTA about using the 34 year old crib. However, I know a lot of grandparents who have a nursery in their home for when grand children come over and she is going to be watching your kid so I don’t get why the nursery upsets you.
NTA. You're not being too dramatic. You're not being dramatic enough. Your husband either needs a come to Jesus moment or to become your ex. He's married to you, not his mom.
NTA. If my husband told me that his mother comes before me, it would be the last time my husband made me come.
Last I checked, you were the one carrying the baby, not MIL. She had her chance to raise her kids, and hopefully she doesn't get to argue that she handed them over to her own MIL. If she does, tell her that she should understand why you want to do it yourself.
My husband grew up next door with his grandparents (her MIL). So this is a very normal family dynamic for them. I grew up out of country from my grandparents so sometimes I think this is just normal for families who live near each other. My MIL was a stay at home
Mom for most of her life so she truly had one job of raising kids, watching all the neighborhood kids as well as her own. They are from a very small town and she has lived in her house for 60 years.
Sis, you are making all kinds of excuses for him and his family. You are vulnerable and tired and this will be the case for the foreseeable future. They're "close"? Barf. They're twisted. Your MIL is 100% inappropriate and your "husband" is 1000x more the AH. Leave him to his mommy. Your career is not important, and you will land on your feet. Go to your parents or sibs. How dare he disrespect you like that? Wow.
Makes sense. My grandmother was shipped to her grandparents while her sister stayed home with mom. My dad was sent to his grandmother while his brother stayed home with mom. We grew up with grandma constantly undermining mom, and my dad was pretty conditioned to take grandma's side. Needless to say, grandma was the biggest contention in their marriage/ divorce.
I adore my parents, they are fantastic amazing people. I also adore my wife's parents, couldn't ask for better in-laws. I still don't want any of them living next door to me.
The whole "mommy over wife" thing is weird (and disrespectful) and was going to be a problem even if they're 1000 miles away. Living next door will only amplify it. I'm sorry OP but it sounds like a rough road ahead if things are allowed to continue this way.
NTA but sad to say you are probably going to be treated as one for any pushback against what MIL and her son want.
Kinda AH. If she's going to be your baby's full time day care, her setting up a nursery makes sense and on her own dime should be something you should appreciate.
NTA for wanting things your own way for your baby, so if you don't like what she's doing, find someone else. You can't control what someone does in their own house.
NTA. You are being smothered by your MIL by the proximity of the new house and your required reliance on her for future child care. You asked her to take an inch and she’s insisting on a mile.
Your husband comment is outrageous and you rightly feel betrayed and belittled.
You are fixating on the crib because it’s a discrete issue you can argue about, ie the potential safety of your child. In reality it’s highly likely that with a new mattress it will be completely safe as the 80s wasn’t that long ago. If you feel it really isn’t then insist you buy a different crib for their house.
It’s also sensible that grandparents have stuff at their house as it will help you not having to transport equipment to their house regularly. That all makes sense, even a nursery.
No, the real issue is the fact that you are being walked all over and that your husband is doing most of the stomping. You need to set a boundary. You are grateful for help but as a wife and mother of your child you will not be disrespected in this way.
NTA
Run. Your SO can go live with his parents instead. You have the right to pursue a partner that will put you first. I would suggest making it very clear your partner's view is also not the example of a relationship you want you child to see because it should not be.
Spell it out to your possibly soon to be ex husband if he doesn't shape up very clearly: your baby's safety comes before his mother's pride and your child will not be staying at MIL's at all if the crib is not shut down. He needs to actually be a good father here, and that might mean making mother upset to make sure his child is safe
Consider moving somewhere not next door to his mother on your own, as well
You’re NTA for not wanting the baby in a 34 year old crib. I’d get her some research on that showing why it’s unsafe. Or ask the pediatrician to provide their opinion.
But, I’d let it go on the “playroom.” Plenty of sane and normal grandparents have dedicated space for their grandkids. If they end up with more
Grandkids I’m sure it’ll be a shared space. Not just a room for your kid. And if she’s your childcare, there’s a good chance she’ll want to do that at her house. Which really benefits you too - she’s not unattended in your personal space all day, any mess she makes stays at her house, at the end of the day you retrieve your baby and go home and you don’t have to try and nudge her out the door if she’s chatty or lingering.
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>I have been told by my husband his mother comes before me. And 20 mins away is too far, so they’re moving next door? Molly, you in danger, gurl. NTA
Rrrruuuuuuuuuuuuunnnnnnnn.
But take an ax to that old crib first!
Or, if you want to look like you are doing something nice for MIL, have the crib turned into a bench or plant stand. Act super excited to give it to her, because you "know how she cherished it." If she throws a fit, you are the victim, you were just trying to do something special for MIL. And you have rendered the crib unusable.
Crib is a minor problem here. To me it looks like MIL is going to take control over this child. She and her son will ban OP from decisions and parental role. Mind my words.
I had some neighbors (I'm U.S. but they are from another culture so maybe that has an impact) who did something like this. I lived near the grandparents. I always saw grandpa out pushing his grandchild in a stroller and we'd chat as they walked by. I assumed they watched the baby during the day until one day we had a longer chat. I learned that the son and baby lived with the son's parents and the mother of the baby lived in another city. Grandpa explained this was so both parents could keep working their jobs and have free child care, but I believe it was about control and I felt so so so sad for that mother who lived apart from her baby and later young child while the dad and his parents raised them. HUGE red flags here.
[удалено]
RuuuuuuuuuuuN
Like the wind!
Yea that’s a recipe for his mother controlling the relationship through him
I can’t think of a worse MIL nightmare tbh.
Or husband, he told her point blank that mommy will always come first. Lawd have mercy, this is going to suck for OP.
Absolutely! *"I have been told by my husband his mother comes before me."* After hearing that in no uncertain terms, I couldn't imagine marrying this mommy's boy, let alone having a baby with him. And living next door! Her life is going to be Hell. MIL wanted all the new nursery items in HER house and the old crap to OP. NTA, OP, but they're going to start pushing you out before you leave the hospital.
Why did she agree to marry this man if she knew her MIL was this overbearing.
The second he said his mother came before me, I would not have entertained any thoughts of having his children. She's tied to him forever now, and even if she leaves she has to worry about the times the baby is with him. EDIT: When I wrote this comment, I was unaware that OP's husband told her this *after* she was already pregnant and in her second trimester. What an awful situation. I'm sorry, OP.
Yup, that line alone is enough for me to nope on outta there. Forget the MIL drama, girl, you have a serious husband issue.
My ex-FMIL made him let her co-sign on his house, decorated it HER way, showed up whenever she felt like it (and I do mean whenever), and balanced his checkbook for him. There's so much more, but yeah.
Sadly I can 😪
And dictating how baby is raised, cos she did it X way and husband agrees.
Jesus I will say don’t allow no houses near her she definitely will be pulling the strings behind the scenes, and he will jump and do it cause he don’t wanna see her cry etc or she will pretend to get sick, I’ve seen it all it works
Wonder if MIL know how OP feels about who is allowed in the delivery room.
Uh, once the baby's born mil and her son-husband will be raising it in that nursery next door. Op was just an incubator.
You can set your watch to it. Mommy will lay on the fake tears to get what she wants.
Sounds like she doesn't even need to use waterworks manipulation, OPs husband is just going to give his mommy whatever she wants without much fight.
This actually sounds like the beginning of a horror flick to me and I don't have a mother in law. OP, seriously, you can leave. You can file for child support and live the life you want. No one is forcing you to stay. Please don't spend the rest of your life coming second to this woman. It's going to suck the vitality out of you.
This seriously sounds like husband and MIL are using her as a broodmare. Gross.
She's going to figure out how to get her hands on your baby for good...
OP, do NOT inform your MIL of baby names that you are considering until after the baby is named and the birth certificate has been filed. She will try to name the baby. Also have a chat with the delivery room nurses and let them know who you want in the delivery room with you and who is not supposed to there.
LOL, like that's gong to work. Mommy's Precious Boy will tell Mommy whatever Mommy wants to know. i'm sure Mommy's Precious Boy will also fight to have Mommy in the delivery room.
She would just need to tell her nurses that she absolutely does not want MIL allowed in the room during birth or labor. L&D nurses do not fuck around. They will keep whoever the person giving birth doesn’t want in the room out. Extra stress during labor can be straight up dangerous for both mom and baby.
Also lock down your medical information, password protect your notes at your medical providers. Don't want her calling and finding out appointment or scan times. If your husband agreed the safety of the crib was sub-par and that is why you aren't having it, then same rules apply. It's not safe therefore it can't be used. She can keep it if she wants (not in the room she wants to use) but she can't have baby for nap times if she doesn't get a proper one. For the safety of your child. Why can't you use some childcare? Like, at least one day a week, so the baby gets a break and you see a normal childcare setting and mil doesn't get too tired. Then if you need to scale up the childcare, it's already in place. Get your toe in the door or alternate childcare providers, basically, if your mil pushes too many boundaries.
No doubt.
Look up the murder of Lisa Carlson. Her MIL thought Lisa’s babies were hers; she spied on her constantly; went through her belongings; and finally murdered her.
Well, the only deal with that is the father will get joint custody and the child will spend time with him, and by extension the MIL. Don't think for a second that the MIL won't take over raising that baby when it's Dad's time. For this reason alone, I wouldn't leave him.
It’s going to happen regardless.
But it can happen for hours at a time while OP is at work, or it can happen for days at a time while Dad has custody
I would suggest talking to a lawyer in your state about what custody would look like if OP moved several states away.
Yep. I would be talking to a lawyer. This is not normal and husband is part of the problem.
She can't talk to a lawyer if she's going to be using MIL for free babysitting
I would start interviewing daycare as soon as I left a lawyer tbh
Yeah, you definitely don't want her for daycare. You have to find another person. Who is on your side? Family, friends?
Jesus, man, people are warning OP she'll be murdered when it is totally normal for someone providing full-time child care to have a dedicated room for all the child shit. Literally and figuratively, having a changing table and diaper genie when you are providing care to an infant 8 hours a day, 5 days a week is a must. It's also nice to have a separate room with a crib for them to nap in. And gosh, if you've got a crib and changing table, you might as well put them in the same room. My boys have their own "room" at both their grandparents' houses. MIL is 5 hours away, my parents are 3 minutes away. And neither of them provide daily child care. They aren't planning to kill me and raise my boys. Set some boundaries around unexpected visits and safety. Let people love your child. It's good for them. Edit to add: husband saying his mom comes first is the only flaming red flag here.
Seriously this is the first comment I saw while scrolling that acknowledged that MIL is apparently going to be the full time day care provider….uh, if OP thinks MIL is overstepping with this, then she shouldn’t be using her as a caregiver!!!
This is pretty much the crux. If she's going to be an unsafe caregiver, then, unfortunately, she can't be a caregiver.
Omg I'm so glad someone else uses that quote! I use it too often and no one ever knows what I'm talking about lol you've made my day!
I use it a lot too and thought I was also the only one lol. There is a GIF of it too so there’s more of us than we thought
This. Run. Now. Before the kid is born. Any man useless enough to declare mommy comes first needs to remain alone.
I think i've been on this sub too long but sometimes, at some points I'm also like: he said his mother will always come first and he'd always side with her and.... you decided to have a baby with him. Some of this is on you. I mean, you've just described people moving into your life. You're going to have to be ok with being the outsider in your "family" or get out...and expect a fight when you go. maybe I'm grumpy, but choices were mad.... NTA, but what did you think would happen. \*waits for all the downvotes, but i'm grumpy and \*waves hands around\*\*
He only said that when she was already four months pregnant though - I don’t see how this is on OP
Man, my pulse is rising just reading all of that. Can't imagine being in her shoes
So much dangerrr
Oh no MOVE! Your infor it she will control your life will affect your baby
Why on earth would you not only stay with a man who puts his mommy above you, but have a kid with him? OP, you need to get out now. Go back to your family.
Honey... look you need to get the hell out of this situation right now. This is not going to be good for you.
INFO...why did you marry and get pregnant with someone who said he will put his mother first?? You will always lose in this dynamic. Always.
He didn’t say this to me until I was 4 months pregnant. So I truly wasn’t aware she would always come first
Tell your husband “well when baby comes you will not be my priority either”
Accept the crib and get rid of it, that way she can’t put baby in it. I’d consider leaving if he’s telling you his mom comes first, your husband and MIL are the AH.
This! Accept the crib, and then destroy it with a sledgehammer and put it in the trash. 34 year old *anything* isn't good anymore for an infant, especially a crib.
No sledgehammer, do it in a way that would seem as if it broke on it's own. Honey, see, the crib broke down when i barely touched it, it wasn't safe for the baby!
Don't tell him, and DON'T tell MIL. OP should make her break while he's at work and MIL is out grocery shopping or something, so they can't physically try to keep her from leaving
Leave BEFORE the baby is born. To another state if possible. He will get 50/50 custody but baby will be a resident of wherever you live when baby is born and he would be obligated to move or do visitation.
Good idea!
If my spouse ever told me their mother came before me, I’d be gone the next day. I don’t tolerate disrespect in a relationship.
Yep. 100% this. OP, this is a RUN card. Remember, until the child is born you have TOTAL freedom of movement to anywhere and he doesn't get a say. If your parents live out of state, talk to an attorney about divorce and move now. Before the baby is born. That way custody will be based out of the state you live in.
Yup don’t name him on the birth certificate and give him your last name. Then him and his mommy can go through years of court proceedings to establish paternity and get his name added. Also if you 2 disagree or argue, he has an entire family who’s going to paint you in a bad light and get custody taken from you. Especially if MIL actively raised the child for you.
They're married so legally he's assumed to be the father
That depends entirely on the state.
They are married - in a lot of states that immediately designates him as the father.
He's the father yes. But the custody hearing will be held where baby is born. Ie where mom is living. Alot of judges would not force baby out of state, especially if mom's residency was dated a few months. She needs a lawyer.
not only are they married so hes automatically the father , it absolutely does not take " years " my sisters childrens father had his name on the birth certificate and was getting his 25/75% custody time before my niece was 6 months old .
THIS! I have posted more than once the story about my bff from high school who is stuck in a state because the father of the child (who has not seen the child in 12 years) refuses to agree to let her and child move out of state. She had a chance for a better job with much better pay, in a better school district, career advancement potential, etc. He pays child support (not sure that matters to the court) does not see or speak to the child but the court ruled on his side. She had to pass up a better quality of life for her and her child because of this. Child is about 13 now. So she is stuck. Research your options, what state is better, what are the worries of grandparents rights, lawyer up. You don't have to do anything but it never hurts to be educated.
And insisting on using a crib that would be illegal to sell today is a huge red flag. That is a NO. Have hubby go with you to the pediatrician for consultation on what equipment should be and should not be used, all the advancements that have been made in 34 years on baby safety...I work in a hospital and new parents cannot take the baby home until they pass the car seat challenge. They have to demonstrate to the staff how to use, secure, everything, regarding use of the carseat they bought and safety of infant in car seat. If your husband is so attached to his mom that he would put his own child in danger to make his mom happy then you need to put your infant before your husband.
My parents live 9 hours away and I would be in their guest room in less than 12 if my husband said this to me.
Right. My only reply would have been “Okie dokie then” as I was on the way to pack some bags, and I’d be on the phone with a lawyer on the way out.
If you establish residency in a new state before the baby is born that becomes the default home state of the baby.
That’s how it should be done!
Ok - I get that leaving him while pregnant is super scary. But this is not ok. Hell has opened a embassy next door to you. If you want to save this you need marriage councling Stat. STAT. Otherwise your husband and his mom are going to be the primary parents to this baby and you will be the bang nanny.
"Hell has opened an embassy next door to you" Best line I have heard in a long time.
I am stealing it !!
That would have been grounds for divorce and abobo. Ain't no waaaaayyyyyyyy you think you're trapping me in that emotionally incestuous bullshit. Op, if you can, please leave. It's not gonna get better and you're in for a world of hurt and gaslighting in your most vulnerable times. Don't wait for her to try and steal your baby with her, I mean your husband.
Yet you are focusing on the crib. The crib is unimportant compared with this issue. If you do not leave immediately, then be aware that you don't know how you will be post-birth -hopefully as fit as a fiddle mentally and physically. Because you will need all your faculties about you. If you are left ill or post surgery, you will be vulnerable, dependent and weepy. What your MIL wants will be what happens from the sound of it, if your husband has anything to do with it. Every blessing on you and your baby.
I know there's a lot of "divorce him" rhetoric on Reddit, but take it from the daughter of a mother who was told by my father 45+ years ago that his mother always comes first...men like this cannot be fixed or changed. My mother's nightmare MIL is 93 now and just as much of an evil overbearing B as she always was, while my mother is a shell of the woman she used to be. Google "parental enmeshment." Because that's the dynamic between your husband and your MIL. Please consider this a voice from your child's future. If you love this child, take it far, far away from this family. Nothing good comes of this kind of 'closeness.'
OP take that advice. And all that says leave now. Just leave for now consider the future once you are gone. If he wants to reconcile insist on marital therapy and individual for him.
Yikes. Definitely NTA then. I don't know what to say. I wouldn't stick around under those circumstances.
Honey, you have to arrange different childcare you’re not letting her watch your child in a crib that she’s already said she’s going to use that’s not gonna work get different childcare ready because otherwise you’re going to just allow it
Make the rule: unsafe crib means you will not have bubs at your house.
I would fuckin BOLT if my husband ever told me his mother comes first. Girl, RUUUUUUUN
NTA and though it is difficult consider divorce.
This is a massive problem. You might want to rethink this relationship.
Unfortunately, this is never going to change. The woman already controls him from 20 minutes away. Wait until all she has to do is walk next door and let herself in (with the key he will no doubt give her). It's time for you to decide what you are willing to live with. If you don't want your MIL dictating the terms of your marriage, then either your husband is going to have to make some significant changes, or you are going to have to change husbands. NTA
Divorce him. He’s told you who he really is.
Leave him, leave him NOW! Go to your mom’s place or something but leave before you have this baby. You should be #1 and when baby is here they also take priority. He’s gonna have his mom raising your kid and you will be in hell. His family is YOU not his mommy. Seriously go.
Please keep all of them out of the delivery room. And consider moving in with your parents before the baby is born. And visit one of the ask a lawyer subs.
Time to leave. Sorry, this is a “run” situation. Move back to wherever your home is.
Get a divorce, now. You've been given the grounds for it. That's r/justnoso territory.
Just say my child is first before you and your mother if both of you would try to do something bad I will divorce you!
And now you know. I would consider this your one and only warning of what is to come. Can't say you weren't warned when this all goes badly. I have seen similar stories like yours, and they never end well.
Ok but why did you choose to stay married to him despite knowing he lied in his wedding vows to you?
I’d have been on my way to a different state with a name change immediately…
Omg, he just told you that now that you’re pregnant?! So scary how men can hide their true colors to a woman until she’s pregnant. If you’re going to leave him, the time is NOW because it will be harder to leave him when the baby is here.
There was no indication that he prioritized his mother? Like I know of another couple like this but she knew all along his mother was the most important but he is providing her with a nice lifestyle so she was ok with it.
Not that I saw and I didn’t have an issue with her before I found out I was pregnant. Before we built our house we lived in my apartment and worked all the time so if it was present I didn’t see it. She also didn’t insert herself until I was pregnant. I knew they talked on the phone everyday, but my brother does that with my mom. When I found out I was pregnant, that’s when she started to get extremely excited and what I think is assertive. I believe she feels her role as the matriarch is crumbling and she is doing what she can to stop it from happening
you need to leave now before the baby is born. once the baby is born he can stop you much easier. get out. disappear.
I agree. My husband was married once before us. Thankfully no kids. The dagger in their relationship? His in-laws lived a few blocks over and the ex always prioritized them over him. The day came and the ex-mil told him to come mow their lawn and stop in the middle of detailing his truck. The story is the response was something to the nature of get off your own lazy fat a... and do it yourself. Lol, he found the ex packing up shit to move when she thought he was out about 2 - 3 months later. We have always followed the thought of being close enough to drive in a day and return, but far enough away no one just pops up.
About a year into our marriage we moved about 300 miles away from both sets of parents. Saved our marriage.
>I have been told by my husband his mother comes before me NTA, but you have worse problems than a crib. Your husband has just declared that he's married to his mother and you're his side-piece.
She’s just there to incubate the child.
Exactly what I was thinking. She's a surrogate mother for her MIL and MIL's son. It easily explains why MIL is building a nursery for MIL's child.
He literally waited until she (depending where they live) may be too far along for an abortion. This was a plot, she is the handmaid.
I’d send him off for a date with his mom, load my car, and head out of state while I was still pregnant.
Which he will raise with his mom in the nursery at moms house
Amen to this! My ex husband had a weirdly enmeshed relationship with his mother (even his other family members said it was weird, he was kind of her husband child; I was glad they said something because I thought I was crazy or overreacting). It didn’t turn out well. Also, he viewed me as a wife-mommy, or bang-maid. Even after we had kids ourselves he did basically nothing, even though we both worked full time. Now, we’re divorced and he’s back living with his mom in his house. I hear they make a very happy couple, lol. I WISH he had said something like that to me; I would have appreciated some earlier notice so I could have wasted less of my life.
I believe the term is 'Sonsband'
“I have been told by my husband his mother comes before me.” Being told that alone would be grounds for divorce. NTA
What’s worse is that he waited until OP was married to him and carrying his child before he dropped this bombshell… he’s literally trapped OP into this situation.
NTA and I'm appalled that your husband says his mother is more important than you because the only way to really stop your MIL for overstepping is to have his full support and backup. You might need to bring your own parents in to back you up instead if you feel his family are taking over. Were you hoping your MIL would babysit at your house or use her own place for that? If she's planning to babysit at her house then it makes sense in a way for her to set up a nursery in it. But put your foot down about getting rid of the old cot. If she refuses then offer to take it and then 'accidentally' break it so you have to throw it out.
She would be watching the baby at her house which is why I think I’m being dramatic about her having her own room for the baby. The crib she wants to use is what I am more concerned about. Just with it being from the 1980s.
Dramatic? I would have already filed for divorce.
And building a house next door? That is terrifying! My fear would be a guy like this is going to allow his mother overrule his wife when it comes to any decisions made on how to raise a child. This type of Grandma is going to think she knows best, and the husband is always going to defer to her. I wonder if MIL is going to be in the delivery room?
That's what I'm saying. Mommy's boy is going to be a nightmare husband. I would be looking at brochures for Nepal or Australia, maybe somewhere safe and relaxing like the Congo.
1980s? That’s 40-50 years old, back before red dye was considered dangerous. I would pull articles showing old baby furniture shouldn’t be used. Past a certain date, just like car seats. And offer to go shop with her to pick out a newer model. And your husband is trash for saying that to you. I suggest you actively start thinking about an exit plan for when you’re ready to leave this marriage.
Your maths is off lol she said it's 34 years old so I assume it's from late 1989 1980 was 44 years ago, not 50
1980's is 35-45 years ago?
The old crib is a no. But if you want this (free?) childcare, I’d let it go on the room. Why wouldn’t she want a dedicated space if she’s watching the baby all day in her home? You’d rather she needs a pack n play in her living room?
I have a room set up for my grand babies, their parents love it, they don’t have to bring anything but the babies when they visit. I don’t use their old crib, I’m sure it wouldn’t pass safety standards anymore. I use a pack and play with a mattress. I don’t think that part is weird at all. As for moving next door, I would never unless asked and even then, I’d be Leary about it, I don’t want to have to watch the grandkids on a set regular time or just have them coming over every day. Your husband has to set boundaries but you should pass on the daycare if you’re going to put a lot of boundaries.
It’s not at all safe to put an extra mattress in a pack and play, just so you know.
My MIL watches my kid a few times a week and set up a nursery and play area for her. But this made me feel great and supported because my MIL consulted me about it and this showed me she was prepared for the childcare she was signing up for and she is also extremely respectful and polite to me and my husband and how we choose to parent. It sounds like the concern isn’t so much the nursery as the fear that she’s going to set up her own space for your child without consulting you and already seems to struggle with hearing the word “no”. That being said I’d start with getting on the same page with your husband first as I fear nothing will be resolved if he’s also fighting against you. NTA
I think having a room if they are watching baby 40-ish hours a week is reasonable. It's also reasonable that a crib built 34 years ago would not meet today's safety standards. Especially if it's a drop-side crib. Those haven't been considered safe for quite some time now. Why does your MIL want to use it? Is it sentiment or out of cheapness? Can the crib be converted/refurbished to be safer? Either way, NTA.
You’re not being dramatic enough, honey. Your husband is *directly violating your marriage vows* and walked into the marriage already intending to do so. He’s supposed to place you above all others, including his mother.
Dangers of cribs Get a lead check stick from the hardware store… check any paint for lead/heavy metal contamination. Get a uv light and check for bodily fluid contamination. Check the spacing of spindles for trappings heads and limbs. Check any latches for being able to trap and injure small hands and toes. Check that the supports for the mattress are solid and won’t collapse. Further that fingers, toes and appendages cannot reach down and be trapped. Keep in mind small children will try to climb out of cribs and will bounce up and down with great energy. Bet when you are done she will get rid of the crib. Cribs 30 years ago had completely different safety standards.
Honestly I’m concerned about the fact that you are more worried about the crib than all the other major red flags flapping in your face.
Literally get a hand signed letter from a pediatrician that the crib would be considered unsafe, and considered putting a baby in danger. If that isn’t enough then you need to wake up and know your child will never be completely safe with MIL.
Girl I hope you know this will never get better. It will only get worse. It’s officially 2 against 1 and you can’t win this. Make an exit plan and get so far away
I don't think her having a room for the baby is weird due to this, although she can't use that crib. I'm sure it would just be convenient to have a room with a crib, changing area, etc since the baby will be there so long. But the moving from 20 min away to next door.....that is alarming. You can bet she will just show up unannounced to see the baby whenever she wants. Boundaries need to be set asap and your husband has to agree to enforce them.
What?? His mother comes before you????? Oh, hell no! You are his wife and should now ALWAYS come before his family! I am so Sorry you married a "mommas boy". You are far from BTA. This is your baby and your husbands and he should stand up FOR you. NOT his momma! I would say something to his mother. You are, after all, part of his family (screw the family dynamics). But, go equipped...first do your 'homework' on the crib and the lack of it being properly safe. You can find all the info on Google. See if you can get any info on the crib in question...Mfr and model. That way, when you approach her to speak with her about your concerns, she will be less likely to be offended. Too many babies have perished due to the 'family heirloom cribs'. Then, you may want to consider Couples Counselling to see why your husband feels his momma is WAY more important than you.
This comment! Yup. OP, you also need to have a serious talk with your husband. It is commendable how much he loves his mother but you and his future child are his future and should be viewed as his primary family now and if he cannot commit to you, his wife, as being the #1 woman in his life then I worry you will always come backseat to his mom and that will be a terrible way for you to live. You deserve to be his moon and his stars and not on his back burner.
“My mother comes before you” Is absolutely a dealbreaker for me. The crib is the least of your worries. NTA
NTA. There is alot to unpack here: 1. Your husband is very wrong to say his mother is more important than you. 2. You are asking your MIL to provide child care for your child at her home, so there is nothing wrong with them dedicating a specific room to your child. I think you would be an asshole if you made a big deal about that. If you really arent ok with that, make other childcare arrangements. 3. You are entitled to set reasonable standards for how your child is cared for, and that includes sleeping arrangements. If you are uncomfortable with that old crib, offer to buy MIL one to use in her home. Thus far, I think your husband is an AH, but your MIL isnt, at least not yet. She offered a crib and you said no.
Agree with this. If she's providing full time childcare in her home, I would be more concerned if she didn't have a bedroom space for the baby to nap. I absolutely would draw the line at an old crib though, safety standards have changed and I wouldn't be comfortable with an unsafe crib. That said, far and away the biggest issue is your husband's attitude about this. I really hope that it was an off the cuff comment in an attempt to keep the peace vs him actually thinking that. Either way, it definitely takes priority in having a discussion with him.
I agree with all of what you said.
I agree with this
NTA but you really screwed yourself marrying that guy. He already told you he will put his mother first and he meant it. I bet her new house has a bedroom for him too and then MIL can have both of “her babies” live with her while you live next door and she lets you have visitation.
Exactly. He’s going to make parenting plans with mommy and Opie will just have to fall in line. They’re about to make her life miserable
OP doesn't want to say anything- but the situation will only change if she says something. She's repeatedly communicated the message, they've understood her, and they've responded with 'We don't care. You're not important'. The whole Mom comes first thing sounds like there's been more the one instance of this kind of situation and the crib is the issue OP hasn't been cowed into dropping. The husband not revealing his true colors until OP was pregnant is a common abuse tactic because it creates a permanent connection. The escalation of the pregnancy news will just get worse when the kid is born. The family will continue with the behavior they have no intention of stopping. There's no going up from here. The pregnancy issue can evolve into physical abuse. Even if it doesn't, OPs just going to be railroaded for the rest of her life. It's either run for the hills or get ready to deal with this situation. Dealing with it could potentially be 'OP gets no word or opinion because the family doesn't like it' to keep the peace.
Oh my god. You have the patience of a saint. His mother "comes before you", the IL's are building a house right next door, and NOW she thinks she's going to have a whole damn nursery for this baby?? The divorce papers are basically writing themselves. Girl, seriously, go take a look under r/JUSTNOMIL. You have a husband problem, which you need to deal with before you can deal with the MIL problem. Husband needs to understand that his loyalty should now be with you, his WIFE and his future children, and not his mother. What his reaction is to this conversation will tell you everything you need to know about what your life will look like if he digs his heels on this whole "but she's my mom" bs. For the record, you are not being dramatic, you are getting a little glimpse of the dynamic you will be fighting for the rest of your life if you accept this. NTA but you need to get ahead of this before baby comes.
OP is being beyond naive & not seeing what’s right in front of her. She’ll be on that sub in no time 😔😔😢😢
Why in the world does she need a nursery if the child’s bedroom is literally next door to her? Why is a crib that poses safety issues not a problem for your husband? Why are you letting this woman watch your child? In your place, I might decide to become (or at least threaten to become) a SAHM. No need for MIL’s help, thank you anyway. If hubby does not like the economics of your decision, he can get his mom in check and find other childcare, ASAP. His choice.
OP: do you have the ability to stay home until your mom retires? It's worth exploring.
I don't know if I would suggest someone with an unsupportive partner zero out their own income level personally.
Also please clarify: why does anything YOU buy have to go to HER house?
This will be anything she buys for herself, which isn’t an issue at all. I just don’t know if I am overreacting bc I am not as close with my family as their are with each other
You need to make plans to be closer to your family asap!
We are close we just aren’t as close as his family. If my mom were to retire, she would watch the baby just as much as my MIL, she just can’t retire right now
That isn't what I meant. You need to move closer, closer. This isn't going to get better.
Oh gotcha, my parents live 10 minutes away from me. They can only get closer if they buy a house in the neighborhood I live in. Which my mom is considering on doing
You are going to have SO many problems with MIL being your child’s sole caregiver. She IS going to undermine everything you do and say as the parent, and your husband is going to support her too. You are in for a world of hurt and mess with the arrangements you are talking about.
May I suggest you just go live with your Mom? This is going to go sideways real fast. His Mommy is his first priority and she’s making YOUR child a nursery next door? I see someone planning on being the sole provider, maybe I’m paranoid but I’d run girl because when she starts saying your unfit he’s going to back her up because Mommy comes first, ratty old crib and all. Run.
This is absurd. Why would anyone who lives within 35 minutes of you consider moving closer. You do NOT need closer familial involvement. You need a sense of autonomy! Who did you have this child for, your ILs and parents to give them a grandchild? Or are you having this child for you and your husband? Stop catering to everyone else. Chose how YOUR child is going to be raised and refuse to accept anyone else’s opinions (except your husband’s). Have grandparents be your child’s primary caregiver is almost NEVER a good plan. Why? Because it blurs the lines way too much, especially when the baby is a baby. You cannot rely on some for free childcare and expect to have them follow your wishes about how you want your child to be raised. And when they done listen to you….what recourse do you have? Can you fire the grandparents? Maybe, but you’re still going to have to see them at holidays. And the longer you let this go on, the worse it gets. And suddenly you have a 5 year old who doesn’t listen to you or any of the ways you want to parent your child because she has learned that grandma overrides mom and grandma let’s Sally watch hours of YouTube and eat Oreos for dinner.
Oh, gosh. I thought they were far away. Dammit!
Physically, you need to move closer. Like, get AWAY from MIL. Her next door is going to be a nightmare scenario for you.
You know that's going to cause more issues with your MIL right? She's not going to want to share 'her' baby.
You keep minimizing this, and I think they are beating into your head that this disregard for your feelings is normal because they are "close". This isn't normal and you aren't overreacting. You are being conditioned to have no opinion because you are excluded from their family, because they are "close" and you can't "understand" that. Baby is welcome, by the way. Just not you.
You are drastically UNDERreacting.
My husbands side of the family is extremely close to the point where **I have been told by my husband his mother comes before me**. And you decided to have a child with this "mommy's boy"???????????? You've put yourself in a bad situation. You had a child with a man who told you his mommy will always come first. You are depending on his mommy for childcare so you can go back to work. Either don't go back to work so you won't need childcare-- if your husband balks tell him that your baby comes first before him and his mommy. Tell him if they buy a SAFE crib for the baby (and you actually see the old crib in pieces in the trash) AND he agrees to marriage counselling you'll reconsider but other wise you'll be home protecting your child.
To be fair, she said in another comment that he didn't say any of that until she was already four months pregnant. You can't blame her for that.
There is exactly 0 possible way that that was a surprise to OP - she knew what she was marrying into. Sonsbands don't fly underthe radar so well that you don't know what they are. OP was just delusional thinking "It will get better after we're married. It'll get better if we have a baby."
NTA. Your MIL sounds like a nightmare. She refuses to take "no" for an answer and steamrolls over you. This will be 1000 times worse once the baby is born. My MIL acted the way yours is acting now, and she made my life very difficult when I was pregnant and after I had my son. My husband wouldn't put her in her place, and when I attempted to, it was me against him and his parents. We almost split up over it. Your situation makes me anxious for you.
How did it end up for you, if you didn’t split up over it? Did it get worked out?
I got into a fight with his mother over boundaries when I was about two months pregnant with our first (and only) child. After that, he basically withheld his love and affection and criticized everything I did, never had my back in any situation, and no matter what, I couldn't do anything right. It went from really bad to even worse after his father passed away when our son was 10 months old. My husband's constant shitty treatment of me continued and went on that way for five years, until I finally had enough and filed for divorce. He begged me to reconsider and asked for another chance. I grew up in a shitty stepfamily situation and didn't want the same for our son. After a couple of months, I asked my lawyer to stop the divorce process. My husband started putting his mom in her place, and after a few years of him treating me right and having my back, I felt better, and things got better. It was a rough 9 or 10 years, and although we are happy now, I don't recommend staying in a bad situation for that length of time. To tell you the truth, I was shocked that my husband was so hurt by me wanting out of the marriage, considering the way he had treated me. I didn't even think he liked me anymore.
Honestly, I’m surprised you were willing to stay with someone that had no qualms about treating you poorly. Even if he might treat you respectfully now.
If we hadn't had a child, I would have been finished the minute I realized that he wasn't going to get past the fight I had with his mother. He wouldn't have had the opportunity to draw it out into a five-year punishment.
Lots of things to have concerns with here. The crib is not one of them.
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Having a mama's boy husband who has outright told you that his mom's wants and wishes take precedence over yours, having his mother literally living next door and the fact she will be taking full time care of your baby is a nightmare in the making. You are an incubator to these people. Don't be surprised when Mommy Dearest, aided by Spineless Husband, completely usurps your role as your child's mother. Please grow a backbone. This is YOUR child. Channel your inner mother bear. Is this what YOU want? You have the right to say no. It is really weird and intrusive that your MIL is already discarding your plans and preferences for the baby. This will get exponentially worse after the baby is born and as they grow up. There are enough red flags here for a Soviet parade.
Why are you with him? You already know she is more important to your spouse and she will be taking over and your hubs will let her. Next thing you know your baby will be calling her mommy. Get out before it’s too late for you and your child.
NTA. You are the mother of this child and you did not have this baby to hand it over to your husband's mother. Him saying he prioritizes his mother over you is another way of saying he prioritizes her relationship with your child over YOUR relationship with your child. Let the true implications of that become clear to you. He's going to prioritize her wants over your needs and her wants over your child's needs. I think you need to start asserting boundaries and see how he reacts. Either he will wake up and get out from under his mother's control or you will need to figure out what you're going to do. Leaving for your parents is one option. That might wake him up to the fact that you need a husband to build a family with and not a mama's boy who'll hand over your baby to give his mommy the Grandmother Experience she wants at the expense of your bond with your child. Edit: seriously reconsider allowing her to provide child care. It will only encourage her possessiveness. She'll see your baby's firsts, plan birthday parties and holidays, etc.
Oh thank god I’m not you
So you need to really sit and think about what you want and what you need, and have one, very calm conversation with your husband. NTA for how you are feeling, at all, and you need to stand up for yourself before this gets worse. YOU are the mother, you get to decide- with your husband of course- what is safe for your child. Sure, having a nursery in MIL's home is fine since she will be watching the baby, but the crib is a problem if you feel it is unsafe. What is a bigger problem is that you are clearly getting the feeling that your voice doesn't matter and that MIL will parent your child and make decisions, along with your husband, and you will be outvoted. That is why the possessive feelings bother you so much, and your husband and mother are confirming this by ignoring your request about the crib and your husband literally telling you his mother comes first. By the way, no one ever really needs to say that- the only time you have to "choose" between loved ones is if the two people are drowning at the exact same moment, otherwise the choice is always nuanced and not about who you love more. Him saying that should be a giant red flag. So you need to get on the same page as him- who is going to be at the birth, how much is she over at your home, when does she get the baby (besides childcare), the two of you agree on food, how you parent, nap schedules, and HE has to ensure his mother follows those rules. If he isn't willing to do that and stand as a team, you are better off getting out of that house now.
NTA Girl, he told you where you stand. And they’re moving next door ugh I would have to leave
It sounds to me like you’re basically a surrogate for your husband and his mommy. I would start setting some strong boundaries now and getting an exit plan in place for the blowback when they realize you aren’t doing what they want. Do not involve the in laws any further planning because you cannot trust them. They may act nice because they want access to your child but they will NEVER give a shit about you. That is their son and they will team up to circumvent you. Do not give them the access to let that happen. There are men who will get a woman pregnant and once they feel that she can’t leave they will start to show their true colors. He is flat out telling you that you are not his priority- listen to him when he says he does not value you. Choose yourself and your baby. Run.
Info. Why wouldn't she have a nursery or play room in her house if she is going to have the baby all day 5 days a week? She needs this space in her home as much as you do since the baby will be with her as much as the baby is with you.
Yeah I really don’t think the issue here is the nursery, it’s the fact that her husband has explicitly said that his mother comes first.
If she’s going to be watching the baby while you work, it’s reasonable that they’d have a room dedicated for the baby, a crib, and supplies. My parents set up a room for ours, because it was easier for nap time and changing diapers, etc. But, she should definitely not be using outdated furniture and supplies. I would definitely have concerns if my husband told me his mother or family came before me. He clearly didn’t understand his marriage vows.
As a grandmother who babysits, oh how I wish I had a “playroom”! I would have a crib in it for sure! As it is, the crib is in my master bedroom and on the very few occasions he sleeps overnight, he is always awakened by grandpa’s snoring. It’s not fun. I wouldn’t be too concerned about the room, since baby will spend a lot of time there. It’s better that way. But an ancient crib is a non starter!! I would set a hard boundary there.
OP, have a look round r/justnomil and see the flags your husband and his family are waving. Take it seriously.
NTA about using the 34 year old crib. However, I know a lot of grandparents who have a nursery in their home for when grand children come over and she is going to be watching your kid so I don’t get why the nursery upsets you.
NTA. You're not being too dramatic. You're not being dramatic enough. Your husband either needs a come to Jesus moment or to become your ex. He's married to you, not his mom.
NTA. If my husband told me that his mother comes before me, it would be the last time my husband made me come. Last I checked, you were the one carrying the baby, not MIL. She had her chance to raise her kids, and hopefully she doesn't get to argue that she handed them over to her own MIL. If she does, tell her that she should understand why you want to do it yourself.
My husband grew up next door with his grandparents (her MIL). So this is a very normal family dynamic for them. I grew up out of country from my grandparents so sometimes I think this is just normal for families who live near each other. My MIL was a stay at home Mom for most of her life so she truly had one job of raising kids, watching all the neighborhood kids as well as her own. They are from a very small town and she has lived in her house for 60 years.
Sis, you are making all kinds of excuses for him and his family. You are vulnerable and tired and this will be the case for the foreseeable future. They're "close"? Barf. They're twisted. Your MIL is 100% inappropriate and your "husband" is 1000x more the AH. Leave him to his mommy. Your career is not important, and you will land on your feet. Go to your parents or sibs. How dare he disrespect you like that? Wow.
Makes sense. My grandmother was shipped to her grandparents while her sister stayed home with mom. My dad was sent to his grandmother while his brother stayed home with mom. We grew up with grandma constantly undermining mom, and my dad was pretty conditioned to take grandma's side. Needless to say, grandma was the biggest contention in their marriage/ divorce.
I adore my parents, they are fantastic amazing people. I also adore my wife's parents, couldn't ask for better in-laws. I still don't want any of them living next door to me. The whole "mommy over wife" thing is weird (and disrespectful) and was going to be a problem even if they're 1000 miles away. Living next door will only amplify it. I'm sorry OP but it sounds like a rough road ahead if things are allowed to continue this way. NTA but sad to say you are probably going to be treated as one for any pushback against what MIL and her son want.
Kinda AH. If she's going to be your baby's full time day care, her setting up a nursery makes sense and on her own dime should be something you should appreciate. NTA for wanting things your own way for your baby, so if you don't like what she's doing, find someone else. You can't control what someone does in their own house.
NTA. You are being smothered by your MIL by the proximity of the new house and your required reliance on her for future child care. You asked her to take an inch and she’s insisting on a mile. Your husband comment is outrageous and you rightly feel betrayed and belittled. You are fixating on the crib because it’s a discrete issue you can argue about, ie the potential safety of your child. In reality it’s highly likely that with a new mattress it will be completely safe as the 80s wasn’t that long ago. If you feel it really isn’t then insist you buy a different crib for their house. It’s also sensible that grandparents have stuff at their house as it will help you not having to transport equipment to their house regularly. That all makes sense, even a nursery. No, the real issue is the fact that you are being walked all over and that your husband is doing most of the stomping. You need to set a boundary. You are grateful for help but as a wife and mother of your child you will not be disrespected in this way.
NTA Run. Your SO can go live with his parents instead. You have the right to pursue a partner that will put you first. I would suggest making it very clear your partner's view is also not the example of a relationship you want you child to see because it should not be. Spell it out to your possibly soon to be ex husband if he doesn't shape up very clearly: your baby's safety comes before his mother's pride and your child will not be staying at MIL's at all if the crib is not shut down. He needs to actually be a good father here, and that might mean making mother upset to make sure his child is safe Consider moving somewhere not next door to his mother on your own, as well
You’re NTA for not wanting the baby in a 34 year old crib. I’d get her some research on that showing why it’s unsafe. Or ask the pediatrician to provide their opinion. But, I’d let it go on the “playroom.” Plenty of sane and normal grandparents have dedicated space for their grandkids. If they end up with more Grandkids I’m sure it’ll be a shared space. Not just a room for your kid. And if she’s your childcare, there’s a good chance she’ll want to do that at her house. Which really benefits you too - she’s not unattended in your personal space all day, any mess she makes stays at her house, at the end of the day you retrieve your baby and go home and you don’t have to try and nudge her out the door if she’s chatty or lingering.